© 2001, jack arbuthnot, ph.d.1 children in the middle parents’ version
TRANSCRIPT
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 1
Children in the Middle
Parents’ Version
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 2
What Do Children Dislike Most?
Being Caught
in the Middle
of
Mom & Dad’s
Conflicts
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 3
Being Caught in the Middle
1. Carrying Messages
2. Loyalty Conflicts: “Put Downs”
3. Dealing with Money Problems
4. Quizzes and Spying
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 4
1. Carrying Messages
CASEY’S STORY:Carrying Messages
about the Schedule
[The BAD Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 5
1. Carrying Messages
A. What do Casey’s parents want for her?
B. Why are they unaware that they have created a stressful situation for her?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 6
1. Carrying Messages
C. What should Mom and Dad do to protect her?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 7
1. Carrying Messages
CASEY’S STORY:Carrying Messages
about the Schedule
[The BETTER Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 8
1. Carrying Messages
A. How did Casey react this time?
B. How did Mom handle things?
C. What was Dad’s response?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 9
1. Carrying Messages
Use “I” Messages1. Make a calm, clear statement about
how the situation makes YOU feel.
2. Make a simple request for a change of behavior that would make you feel better.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 10
1. Carrying Messages
Can you see the difference?
• “You are always late bringing home the kids. Next week you’d better be on time!”
• “I worry when the kids aren’t back on time. I’d like it if you would call when you are delayed.”
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 11
1. Carrying Messages
Let’s practice.
Someone make a “YOU” statement.
Someone else rephrase it as an “I” message.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 12
1. Carrying Messages
A. How can you coach your child to use “I” messages to let you know their pain?
B. How can you coach the other parent to use “I” messages?
C. How can you arrange to talk with the other parent about the kids’ needs?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 13
2. Put Downs
EMILY & JORDAN’S STORY:Loyalty Conflicts,
“Put Downs” of the Other Parent
[The BAD Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 14
2. Put Downs
A. What happened here?
B. Why was Mom so upset?
C. What were Emily and Jordan feeling?
(Do kids want to love and admire both of their parents?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 15
2. Put Downs
E. How did they feel about Mom and Dad?
F. How could this situation have been handled better?
G. How could “I” messages be used?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 16
2. Put Downs
EMILY & JORDAN’S STORY:Loyalty Conflicts,
“Put Downs” of the Other Parent
[The BETTER Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 17
2. Put Downs
A. What did Mom (Claudia) do well in this version?
B. What could she do even better?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 18
2. Put Downs
Suggestions for Claudia (and YOU):
Stay on the topic.
One thing at a time.
Rehearse before you talk.
Be consistent between homes.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 19
3. Money & Kids
EVERETT’S STORY:Involving Kids in
Money Issues
[The BAD Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 20
3. Money & Kids
A. What was Dad responding to--Everett’s need or his anger at Mom?
B. How did Everett feel?
C. What should Dad have done or said to handle this situation better?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 21
3. Money & Kids
EVERETT’S STORY:Involving Kids in
Money Issues
[The BETTER Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 22
3. Money & Kids
A. Who should be involved in discussions about parents’ money responsibilities?
B. Who should NOT be involved?
C. Should kids feel like THEY need to solve Mom and Dad’s problems?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 23
4. Kids as Spies
JUSTIN’S STORY:Quizzing Kids About
The Other Parent
[The BAD Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 24
4. Kids as Spies
A. Why did Dad begin to quiz Justin about Mom’s new
boyfriend?
B. How did Justin feel about being quizzed?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 25
4. Kids as Spies
C. How did he feel telling Dad “bad” news--something he knew would hurt Dad?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 26
4. Kids as Spies
JUSTIN’S STORY:Quizzing Kids About
The Other Parent
[The BETTER Version]
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 27
4. Kids as Spies
A. Why did Dad assure Justin that he wouldn’t get mad, no
matter what Justin said?
B. How did Dad respond to Justin’s explanation?
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 28
4. Kids as Spies
C. List some things it would be okay to ask your child about
the other parent.
D. List some things it would NOT be okay to ask about.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 29
ROLE PLAY EXERCISE
1. Playing siblings against each other
2. Events when both parents will be present
3. Guilt induction over a parent’s loneliness
4. Threatening the other parent with not being able to be with the children
From Children in the Middle: A Parents’ & Children’s Guidebook3rd ed., 1994, pp. 26-34, Center for Divorce Education, Athens, OH
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 30
Conclusions
• Communicate effectively with the other parent:– Use “I” messages, avoid “YOU”
statements
– Stay focused and on the topic
– Rehearse difficult conversations
– Don’t involve the children in parental talks
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 31
Conclusions
• You cannot change history, but you can control the future, so:– Learn to cooperate with the other parent
– Learn to be consistent across households
– Keep your marital issues separate from your new parenting role
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 32
Conclusions
• Your children need TWO loving, capable parents.
• Give your kids permission and encouragement to love their other parent.
• While your marriage is over, share with your children the qualities of their other parent that made you once fall in love.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 33
Conclusions
And frequently tell your children that although their parents are divorced, you will all still be a family forever.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 34
For More Information
Contact:
The Center for Divorce EducationP.O. Box 5900
Athens, OH 45701
740-594-7173
www.divorce-education.com
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 35