MEDIUMMEDIUMw w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e tVolume XXXIV, Number 22

The Entertainment Weekly of Sunshine and Puppies

THE

THE

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003

As of 12:00 AM on May 1st, 2003 the Grease trucks are requiredto either 1) close for good or 2) complete all repairs mandated bythe health department. In order to generate enough profits toafford the improvements the grease trucks need to sell at least8,532 fat cats before the deadline. As a promotion students whoare able to eat 5 or more fat cats in a single day will be allowed tosign one of the trucks with their own “fat” name.

YOU

Opinions

FOUNDED 1869 / SYCOPHANTIC 1980

Servicing the Rutgers Community Since 1869

EDITO R IN CHIEF, ryan BeckmanMANAGING EDITOR, Jim Cortina

BUSINESS MANAGER , Mike Stanley OPINIONS EDITOR, Ben SchachtmanNEWS EDITOR, Jim Cortina GMG EDITOR, Daniel Migliore

ARTS EDITOR, Aija McKenzie

FACULTY ADVISOR, Jeff BuechnerSENIOR EDITO R, Amy Groark

PHOTOGRAPHY, Elizabeth FinelliPERSONALS EDITORS, Bridget Heines & Bryan McKenna

WHAT’S SHAKING EDITO R, Amy GroarkSTAFF ARTIST, Yolanda Folanda

cover by: Ryan Beckman and Lily “ChiLilifer” SongASSOCIATE PC COORDINATOR, My Mom

The editorials written above represent the majority opinion of The MediumEditorial Board and are not necessary related in any way to anything that could

even possibly be construed as a realistic interpretation of the truth.

The Daily Targum welcomes letters to the editor and commentaries from Jewish readersDue to space limitations, letters should be no longer than 250 words. If a letter exceeds 250 words, it will be considered an actof terrorism perpetrated by the Palestinian people against the nation of Israel and immediate military force will be exercised.Address: The Daily Targum, 126 Mouthpiece Lane, Suite 420, New Gunswick, NJ Email: collegeben@hotmail.com

“ ”Quote of the Day

I have a rare disease.

New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevey when asked if he wouldparticipate in an intimate interview with The Medium.

E D I T O R I A L

Page 2 Op/EdsPage 3 Targum SpecialPage 4 Israeli NewsPage 5 Lesser NewsPage 6 FeaturesPage 7 GMG

Page 8 ArtsPage 9 Anti-SemitismPage 10 Pro-SemitismPage 11 PersonalsPage 12 What’s Shaking

my life with medium monkeyBenjamin Schachtman

I’m amonkey.

Maybe I wasa bit hasty last

week...

APRIL 23, 2003PAGE 2

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TH E DAILY MEDIUM

An Open Letter To Tiffanyby Ned Berke

Dear Tiffany…

A few days ago I told someone on campus I wrote for one of theentertainment papers. “Inside Beat?” she asked. I was taken aback and sneeredopenly. “The Medium” I stated simply. Then she sneered, understandably so. Iasked her why and she was very apologetic, but then said “Well, you see, I’m ahumor snob.” I nodded; after all, it was a very reasonable reply, The Medium isn’texactly top class humor. “Why did you sneer, wouldn’t you want to work for theTargum?” she asked. “No, I’m a news snob.”

And that’s what it comes down to. The Medium doesn’t play off of areputation of being a fine, enlightening journalistic paper. We’re a rag. We’re a freespeech paper who pushes the lines printing porn and love so in between we can saywhatever we want. We have no standards, no snobbery, and no pretense. However,the failed shambling wreck that is The Targum cannot spin such wondrous claims.

The Targum makes me dumber when I read it. It’s not so much the plain andsimple reporting on the inane bullshit around campus, or the ego fellating of the Rutgersfaculty woven in between reports ripped off of various news wires – though all thisirritates me. What it comes down to is their editorial/opinion pages. There’s not enoughtime or space for me to give what would comparably be cutting edge commentary onthe editorial staff and columnists at The Targum, so instead I shall just bring to lightthe virulent mind whore of a columnist Tiffany LaBarbera.

“Tiffany LaBarbera is a Livingston College junior majoring in journalism. Hercolumn, ‘Ignorance is Bliss,” runs on alternating Mondays,” states the blurb at theend of her bi-weekly column. Oh, wonderful, I only have to hear this banal wenchevery other Monday, making those Mondays single handedly the worst day of mylife. Tiffany, or “TheReasonIWishIWereAborted,” as I call her for short, is the absolutechamp, the head honcho, le crème de le crème of vapid, clichéd, inane chatter – andthis garbage is printed every other goddamn week.

Tiffany’s articles reek of egotistical, self-validating bull. Let’s go through afew of her vast mental wastelands: In an article entitled “More Than a SocialSecurity Number” Tiffany explores the need for social bonding at college. Oh wait.No, no, that’s what she COULD have done with this article. Instead, she boastsabout all the friends she has made, seemingly to convince herself that she is loved.In one part she talks about some kid in her hall that told her he came to college towork and didn’t want any friends. Of course, if I came here and the first person Imet was this senseless dreg of humanity I would lock myself up in a room and avoidher at all costs too! She then continues on about crap that just makes your brainwant to grow a mouth and eat itself.

The theme of “friends” not wanting to be around Tiffany seems to runrampant in her articles. In another article entitled “Why Being 20 Bites the BigOne”, which is essentially her yapping and complaining about going from 19 to 20but not quite being 21, Tiffany’s older friends (which apparently are all of them…odd considering in another article she says she has like a gajillion friends) ditch herand go bar hopping. This is not before they rub it in her face that she’s underage. Ithink Tiffany is one of those girls who just cling to all the other people around her,and they can’t stand her, but at the same time can’t make her go away because theyfeel bad. I’m pretty sure she’s ugly too. She writes, “At 20, you are too old to go tofraternities and too young for bars.” Meaning she’s too ugly to get laid at a frat,and too ugly for the bar bouncer to let through underage.

Tiffany follows up this fine act with what I think are the two climacticarticles of this craptacular display of piss-ant journalism ever. First, she admitsshe’s an uneducated moron in “Embracing the Gray Area”, and then she jibber-jabbers on about the importance of asking questions in “Are We Almost ThereYet?” In “Embracing…” Tiffany makes a courageous and stunning confession: shecan’t choose whether to be pro or anti war. “The extensive number of variablesaffecting decisions of this caliber is beyond my comprehension,” she writes. I betthat’s not the only thing beyond her

As you can tell from the cover… the Grease Trucks need saving.There are a lot of people at Rutgers, and there are a lot of arteries thatneed clogging. I say as a generation we are far too healthy. I don’t careif we are twice as fat as our parents were at our age, we need moregrease slowly churning through our veins.Support local music… buy Fat Cats.Get going to the Grease Trucks and take out those four crisp singles andhand them over to those kind fellers in the RU Hungry truck.Think about it seriously and there isn’t one good reason not to. Not onlyare Fat Cats less expensive than a pack of cigarettes, but they’re alsofar more hazardous to your health. Those “cool” kids in High Schoolwho smoked out back wouldn’t have been half as cool as you if you hada heart attack in the middle of gym class because you couldn’t stopcramming greasy food down your throat.Forget your inhibitions, be a messy eater, get a Fat Sam and chase itdown with ¼ cup of butter because goddamn it tastes good. You onlylive once, and if you eat the food that tastes good you’ll lead a happierlife, because what it all boils down to is this- The longer you live, thelonger you have to worry about dying.Some would say, “Give me fat cats or give me death”. No no no goodsir. Give me fat cats & give me death.

This message brought to you in part by Taiko Super Happy Bouncy Balls

by ryan BeckmanI Am What I Eat... Fat

Opinions APRIL 23, 2003PAGE 3

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TH E DAILY TARGUM

A Pro-Disarmament OpinionMike O’Neil

Anti-war protesters and the political left here in America couldn’t have been more wrong about their predictions for the war. They said (and hoped perhaps?) that it wouldjoin the ranks of Vietnam and Mogadishu as infamous military blunders of the last half-century. They said coalition forces would be greeted as conquerors and notliberators. They estimated thousands of U.S. casualties, as well as 250,000 Iraqi civilian deaths. In actuality, the war was won in three weeks. When Baghdad fell, ourtroops were greeted with flowers, kisses, makeshift American flags and cheering Iraqis holding up pictures of George Bush. British and U.S. forces suffered fewer lossesthus far than in the entire Gulf War (granted, more casualties are on the way, but the worst is over). Even an inflated civilian death count from the faulty Iraqi Body CountProject is at just 2,325 (at the time of this writing) thanks to immense efforts by coalition forces to minimize this number. But what these people have been most wrongabout, in my opinion, is their insisting that the United States is breaking international law by invading Iraq without U.N. approval.

This is the same United Nations, mind you, that is ironically allowing Iraq to chair the Conference on Disarmament in May, simply due to the organization’shorrendous rotating chairsmanship policy. It is the same organization that already allows Libya, a supporter of terrorism for over twenty years, to chair the Human RightsCommission. This is the same U.N. that failed to stop the genocide of Albanians in Kosovo and the massacre of over 5,000 Bosnian Muslims in Srebrenica. Even whenhundreds of U.N. workers supervised the “Oil for Food” program in Iraq, Saddam Hussein still managed to illicitly export oil and earn billions of dollars, diverting thatrevenue from his starving people to his own lavish palaces and weapons of mass destruction programs. And let’s not forget Russia and China, both permanent members ofthe Security Council, yet both frequent violators of human rights. Clearly, this organization is far from infallible, and unfortunately its most recent blunder is theinability to stand by and enforce its own resolutions. Ironically, the United States must break vaguely defined “international law” in order to protect our nation and enforcetrue international law - more specifically, United Nations Security Council Resolutions 678, 686, 687, 688, 707, 715, 949, 1051, 1060, 1115, 1134, 1137, 1154, 1194,1205, 1294 and 1441. Each resolution listed here has been egregiously violated by the Iraqi regime as soon as it was passed.

If protestors believe that overthrowing an oppressive and murderous regime in order to end that regime’s support of terrorism and weapons of mass destructionprograms so horribly violates international law, than one would also logically assume that supporting terrorism does so, too. Saddam’s link to terrorism is undeniable,yet no one seems to be picketing the streets about that. Saddam has paid Palestinian suicide bombers and their families up to $25,000 for successful bombings. Heprovided Abul Abass, an international terrorist who has led a faction of the Palestinian Liberation Front, safe haven in Baghdad since 2000. Luckily he was captured justlast week by U.S. forces. A terrorist training camp was also found last week on the outskirts of Baghdad. According to a Marines spokesman, the compound consisted of20 buildings and had been jointly operated by the Iraqi regime and the PLF. Among the documents found there were forms for recruits to fill out that asked such questionsas, “What type of mission would you like to carry out?” The most frequent response was “suicide mission.” Even more horrifying, two defectors of the Iraqi Army and aformer nuclear-weapons chief have described a highly secretive terrorist training camp at Salman Pak – under direct control of the Iraqi Intelligence Service – thatcontains an old Boeing 707 fuselage used to train hijackers. The existence of the plane has been confirmed by previous U.N. inspections and U.S. marines recently foundthe empty plane there on April 6 th. Former deputy chairman of the U.N. panel in charge of inspections says of the plane after a visit to the facility in January of 1995: “Wewere told it was for counter-terrorist training. We automatically knocked off the word ‘counter’.” This and other terrorist support is just as important a justification fordecisive action as the weapons of mass destruction angle, yet many people seem to overlook it, or frankly know nothing about it. Some protestors I know have even told mewe shouldn’t have invaded Iraq because it will just make more terrorists mad at us. Mad at us? Is there such thing as a not-mad terrorist? What these people are sayingis that we shouldn’t defend ourselves because terrorists might get angrier with us. This is just plain absurd. Terrorists were mad at us before this happened. They’ll stillbe mad at us after this happened. By killing them and their leaders and cutting off funds, we can drastically reduce the likelihood of substantial terrorist attacks in thefuture. After all, Bush is committed to fighting a full-fledged war on terrorism, unlike Clinton, whose foreign policy involved lobbing a few cruise missiles into aspirinfactories when public opinion at home went awry.

The bottom line is we know Iraq supports terrorism, and we know the only reason they let inspectors back into the country was because they were up to their oldtricks again. We know this because there have been countries in the past that have disarmed properly and willingly. They provided all the necessary documentation,brought inspectors to the proper weapons sites, and encouraged government officials and civilians to be cooperative. Such shining examples are South Africa, Ukraine,and Kazakhstan. Iraq has done nothing of the sort. Instead of allowing inspectors to be inspectors, the regime has forced them to be detectives, putting the burden oninspectors instead of on themselves. These were not the terms of the Gulf War cease-fire. The burden was, and always has been, on Iraq to show it has disarmed. Resolution1441 was a test: one last test to see if Iraq has changed its ways and was willing to disarm and comply. If not, the resolution called for serious consequences – seriousconsequences that only the United States and a few other countries were willing to back their words with. Saddam failed this test immediately by filing a false weaponsdeclaration to the panel, a false list of workers in past WMD programs, hiding documents in private homes, and not allowing interviews to take place without the presenceof “minders.” The United States has even picked up credible intelligence stating that Saddam Hussein warned scientists that they and their families would face severeconsequences, punishable by death, if any sensitive information was revealed to inspectors. These are the same games he played four years ago, and it proves Iraq has beenin material breach of resolution 1441 – in breach of its final chance to avoid war.

Since the U.N. has refused to enforce its own fundamental demands for Iraq to disarm, end its support of terrorism, and comply fully with these and otherresolutions without deception and lies, the United States and its true allies have acted forcefully. I applaud them for that. I’m thankful Bush and Blair are not bidders forthe admiration of the crowd, rather they are bidders for the safety and security of their countries and of the world. No one can complain that diplomacy wasn’t given enoughof a chance, because it was given twelve long years, and I’m glad we finally have a president in the White House who is willing to make terrorism a top priority of his agenda(unlike Clinton, who made it anything but). To paraphrase Elie Wiesel, had the rest of the world put as much pressure on Saddam to disarm as they had put on Bush, thiswar might not be taking place right now. These are wise words and go to show the disgusting stance the rest of the world has sadly taken. And as Leon Uris has stated alltoo accurately in his book Exodus, “International law is that thing which the evil ignore and the righteous refuse to enforce.” Until now.

On a final note, anti-war protesters refuse to be held morally accountable for this war. “Not in my name” they say. Well Iraqis are free from tyranny andoppression, and the world is a step closer to being free from terror, and I say “In my name.” Men and women of the coalition’s armed forces have given their lives in makingthis a reality. In my name. And for that they will never be forgotten, nor will my gratitude ever cease.

Wednesday Weather for Jerusalem, Israel

Day Night

High 70°F Low 45°F

Wind: 8mph NE Wind: 8mph NNWPrecipitation: 10% Precipitation: 0%Max Humidity: 45% Max Humidity: 46%Apocalypse: 42% Apocalypse: 62%

THIS DAY IN HISTORY...

33 AD - Christ rises from the dead...er...no hard feelings, right?

1891 - The Jewish population of Moscow, Russia is expelled.1985 - New Coke debuts, providing the ultimate thirst quencher for students and faculty at Rutgers,

The State University of New Jersey.1996 - Howard Stern makes his radio debut on KRZQ 96.5 FM broadcasting from Reno Nevada.2003 - You read this edition of the Targum, making you a better student and a better person.

Editor’s Note:

Some of our more observant readers may have noticed that this week’s edition has a noticeablymore conservative bent in its opinions. Others would say that’s not all that’s bent, but I would beg to differ.A lot of the time intelligent people side with the left-wing liberal community because the liberal side presentsa strong case. However, sometimes we just assume that right is wrong, and left is best, and we go astray. Forexample, in 1942 the New York Times buried a story about the Holocaust on page 10, assuming it was warpropaganda. Four years earlier, Hitler had been Time man of the year... the point is simply that it behooves usall to keep our eyes and minds open and constantly seek out both sides of the story. However trustworthyour favorite magazine, newspaper or website may be, however conveniently fitted to our own political be-liefs it may seem, there is always another side to the story. There is a difference between smart and well-read,and that difference is not how much you read, but what you read. Don’t believe everything you read inTargum; we try exceeding hard to get the news right and get it to you quickly, but we are only human and wefalter and fail just like anyone else. Think for yourself, question authority.

THE TARGUMREMINDS YOU

TO KEEP

LIMBER ANDAVOID

STRAINS ANDSPRAINS...THE CAC

GYM IS NOWOFFERINGYOGA!

Wednesday April 23rd, 2003“Q: What lives in the heavens and brings baskets to kids each spring?”NEWSNEWS

President Declares War on “Naughty Things”By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina

News EditorIn a prepared statement (suspiciously written in crayon)

yesterday, President George “Scarcity” Bush announced a “waragainst all naughty things that make the baby Jesus cry (Also knownas “WAANTTMBJC”).” He said that he came across some reallydirty things on a recent trip to Rutgers University, in a student runnewspaper (probably The Review. -ed), and laughed so hard, because“mommy Babs never let me read naughty things before. But whenshe found out, she gave me a good spanking, and told me that naughtywords, and nudie pictures make the baby Jesus cry. I felt really badabout that one. I’m sorry baby Jesus.

“And so to make up for my badness, I’ve decided to use mypresidentiary powers to declare war on all the naughty things thatmake the baby Jesus cry.”

The Medium, being a highly patriotic paper, has decided tofully back our wonderful president in his “Goody War.” Not thatnaughty things have ever been a problem in our fine periodical, butwe have henceforth decided to ban all that is naughty, or that wouldmake the baby Jesus cry. Because we can’t stand to hear a baby cry,especially when he’s our Savior.

In conclusion, reader, if you find this issue lacking in thenaughtiness department, that’s fine by us. Because we’re a bunch ofclean-cut guys.

Don’t cry babyJesus.

The Medium: we can’t stand to see a babycry, especially when he’s our Savior.

The Medium

White Humorby

Brian Tarus

The baby Jesus will cry if you don’t come to the Medium Meet-ing this wednesday night at 9:30 in LSC 111. You know why?

Because it’s nominations night! If you’ve written (and had pub-lished) three or more articles for The Medium, you can be nomi-

nated for an editor’s position. Show up for more info.And I still need your dang-gummed submissions for next week,our semester finale issue! Write me newsworthy things (true orfalse), and send them to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com. Think of

baby Jesus.

Wednesday April 23rd, 2003 “A: The Ether Bunny” NEWSNEWS

More White Humoralso by

Brian Tarus

News Briefs!

Student Caught Taking a Bath with BubblesBy “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina

News EditorThe beginning famous of a children’s joke goes, “You wanna hear a

clean joke? A boy took a bath with bubbles.” Well, just such a thing happenedon campus last Thursday. Indeed, a boy took a bath with bubbles. He seemedelated at this new experience. “It was the most clean experience of my life. I’venever been cleaned by bubbles before in my life. It felt like bathing in seltzerwater. Bubbles tickled my whole body. Such sensations!”

The joke however, quickly turned dirty when this reporter found out thatBubbles was the girl in the dorm across the way.

Tips for Doing Well on Final ExamsBy: Michael Stanley

Staff Scapegoat

1. Spend time studying as well as relaxing to create an environmentwhere you have some down time.

2. Arrange study groups so you can work in a fun environment and get toknow people better. The odds are that if this is a class that countstowards your major you’ll make friends who will be in your otherclasses.

3. Don’t do all your studying last minute, it stresses you out and youwon’t remember all the information when it comes to exam time.

4. Be sure to get enough sleep the night before the final, plan things outand when planning leave time.

5. Proposition your TA/Professor so you won’t have to take the exam,chances are that they’ll agree. (Note: Works better if you’re a girl)

6. Pretend you’re sick and get a doctors note.

7. Get someone else to take the exam for you.

8. Cheat with the text message option on your cell phone; it’s worth 10¢/message to do well on the exam!

9. (added by editor) Some people have had success simply asking to usethe bathroom and having a book, or notes planted in a convenientlocation for “last minute” studying.

(Good luck, kiddies! - ed)

Stoner Forgets HolidayBy Mike Manly

In an act shaming the self-proclaimed “Stoner Community”, a culture made upof high school and college students who smoke marijuana, weed aficionado AndrewMcGill, known to his friends as “Trail Blazer” forgot the Annual Smoke Up Day.

McGill normally would have gathered with other stoners and collected anassortment of bongs, pipes, blunts, joints, and other marijuana paraphernalia set themup in a line, prepared them for use, and then would have used one item every half anhour throughout the 24 hour day. However, this year’s festivities were narrowly missedas the event simply skipped his mind.

“I don’t know how this could’ve happened,” McGill stated in a sullen, mumblyvoice, “I just went about my day doing normal stuff, thinking it was like, another day orsomething, man, and then the next day, Monday, I realized I missed 4-20!” McGillbegan to sob quietly. “I just don’t understand it… why me?”

The Annual Smoke Up Day falls every year up April 20th, or 4-20 as it’scommonly referred to. It is the day that every reefer looks forward to, much like anysmall child who has worked hard and been good looks forward to Christmas.Throughout the year stoners often giggle and point out coincidences where thenumbers four and twenty are used. It is commonplace for stoners to select 4:20 as ameeting time, and it brings the best humor out of them. This year, that humor is gonefor Andrew McGill.

“He’s really been a mess every since, man, ya’ know?” says his friend MattSimpson. “I keep trying to get him to toke, but he acts like a sinner or something…inflicting all sorts of self-punishments as penitence or something. He won’t smoke andkeeps saying he’s no good and worthless. He sounds like my Dad, man. That’s sad.”

www.

pinke

yedji

m.co

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www.themedium

.net

Navel

Wednesday, April 23, 2003“Cancer Merchant! Cancer Merchant!”GMGGMG

22. Take books from the library and write the surprise ending on thefirst page.

23. Talk only in Morse code.24. On the first day of classes, go into a recitation section and

pretend to be the TA.25. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”26. End all your statements with a loud “OOOOOOOH YEAH!!!”27. Ask the bus drivers if they are sure they know where they are

going.28. At the computer lab, pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and

loudly talk into it. “Breaker-Breaker-one-niner”29. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.30. “Forget” the punch line to every joke you tell, instead ending it

with “I forget the rest, but your mother’s a whore.”31. Constantly tell jokes.32. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a

nasal Howard Cossell voice.33. When you enter a bathroom stall at the same time as someone

else, loudly say, “And they’re off!”34. When your roommate leaves for a while, move all his stuff out

of the room and into the study lounge.35. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.36. Disagree strongly with everything someone says. Especially

annoying if done to a professor.37. Make up statistics or sources to back up your claims.38. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.39. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.40. Go anywhere in a Michael Bolton t-shirt.41. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United

States, then raise all taxes to 90%.42. If you have guests, walk around after them with a can of Lysol

and clean everything they have touched.43. Sway back and forth and ask people why they are swaying

back and forth.44. Wear headphones while people talk to you and sing really

loudly and off-key.

How To Annoy People

1. At the computer lab, go around signing people out of their computerswhen they aren’t there. Then take their cards up to the front desk.

2. When you bring the card back, whip it at the guy or chick sitting at thedesk.

3. Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what you think.”4. On Rutgers Buses, cough loudly and say, “I think my SARS is acting

up.”5. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your

“astronaut training.”6. Pretend you are wearing headphones and after someone is done

talking to you, tell them you didn’t hear a word they said.7. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climatic parts of rental

movies.8. Repeat everything someone says as a question.9. Repeat what everyone says as an insult. Example: “It’s 75 degrees

today.” “No, you’re 75 degrees today!”10. In the laundry room of your dorm, use one washer/dryer for each

article of clothing.11. Ask people what gender they are.12. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you’re

staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming theMission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat

13. At restaurants, insist on having an extra seat for your imaginary friend.14. In the dining hall, place a glass sideways on the end of the conveyor

belt, so it gets bounced against the metal and produces a loud clinkingsound.

15. Go to campus poetry readings and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.16. .sdrawkcab etirW17. Ask every girl you see on Douglass if she is a lesbian.18. Buy panties at Victoria’s Secret, and when they ask if you want a bag,

say, “No, thanks. I’ll just eat them here.”19. Actually eat the panties.20. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with

prophecy.”21. Tell people their accent isn’t fooling anyone.

By: Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor

Super happy fun-time filler! Super happy fun-time filler! Super happy fun-time filler!

World To Mourn Loss Of EasterBunnyBy: Raoul Dan, dreaming a little dreamsince 1982It was indeed a sad day for the world Monday,when it was confirmed that the Easter Bunny(shown here) had, in fact, been killed in a hitand run accident on Sunday. The Easter Bunny,aka Peter Cottontail, was merrily hopping downthe Bunny Trail, a road through Rahway RiverPark in Rahway, New Jersey. The car, a red 1994Pontiac Grand Prix was seen in the immediatearea moments after witnesses reported hearingsquealing tires and a loud “thump”. RahwayPolice Chief White was quoted as saying that nosuspects have been confirmed, though witnessesreported seeing a fat man in a red suit drivingthe car, and a midget in the passenger seat.Children of the world were saddened by theseevents. This reporter asked Billy, a local 12year-old what he thought. Billy had this tosay: “The Easter Bunny isn’t real you moron!”But those in the park told a much differentstory. They had seen the Easter Bunny, living,breathing, alive, all moments before being hitby a ton of speeding steal.

Sorry kids, but since the Easter Bunny died, there will be nomore Easter. Except for the Christians. But they don’t count.

It’s a lousy hippie excuse for a religion anyway.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 “The Medium is good wholesome fun!” FeaturesFeatures

Poetry Time With Alexander thePoet

“Tossing A Midget”

Tossing a midget,Is not very hard at allKick them and I bet,

They will fly into the wall

A midget is short,Quite the opposite of tall

On basketball court,They will never get the ball

Midgets are wealthy,Some midgets get their own show

But they’re not healthy,Cause those small dudes can’t grow

But please be careful,When approaching a midget

Must cover your bits,bits are a midget’s target

If you would rather starve then eatmy bread, then come on down to theMedium Meeting in LSC Room111, tonight at 9:30. It’ll be fun. Andyou won’t have to eat my bread, Ip r o m i s e .

Pouches And The People Who Love ThemBy: A Wasted Mind

I wish I were a marsupial. I really, really do. If you thinkabout it, of all the steps on the evolutionary ladder, thiswas the best one. If only Mother Nature had realized howwonderful that particular mutation was and continued tomass-produce it, we would be a much better and happierrace. If only Australia, which spawned the marsupial, hadnot separated from Pangea, or whatever that supercontinent was called, we could all wallow in the joy ofbeing marsupials. It would solve so many of ourproblems, well, it would solve my problems and I reallydon’t care about the rest of you. Never again would Ihave to bother with lugging a stupid bag around. All thoselittle things that we deem crucial to our survival and thencarry around would be with me always, no matter what Iwas wearing. There would be room for cell phones,PDA’s (or PAA in my case, the A stands for analog. (Ok,so it’s just a little notebook where I write people’snumbers. Big woop, wanna fight about it? What, you thinkyou’re better then me? Do you? Actually, yes. Yes I do. –GMG Ed.)), cigarettes, and all that other junk we stuff intoour pockets so they bulge out make us look lumpy in allthe wrong places. How nice would it be to not have tohave pockets. How convenient would it be for girlsespecially, ‘cause you all know that carrying money in yourbra when you’re out clubbing sucks big time. Its not onlyunpleasant and impractical, but reaching for the bills whenyou want to buy a drink can lead to quite an awkwardsituation. Concealing weapons would also be a snap.And it would be great for mothers with newborns, after all,that is the true purpose of the marsupial pouch. As soonas the baby is born, you gently stuff it in your pouchwhere it is warm and protected as if it were still in thewomb. And if we were further like marsupials, the nippleswould also be in the pouch, so the baby can feedwhenever it wants to. There would be no need to strainyour arms carrying it around and rocking it to sleep. Itwould be the most perfect transitional environment for thekid. Hmm, I guess that’s all, I hope I have made my pointsufficiently clear. Marsupials rock, humans can suck it!

Random Rant From Southside TillieI want to start a revolution. Strike that make ita movement. A revolution only goes aroundonce and then stops. But a movement keepsgoing round and round. What if all the Collegestudents just stopped going or registering forclasses? Total chaos!!! That right baby. I amtalking shutting down the system right hereand now. And I am not trying to do this for myown reasons. It’s because I care about youthe students who work day in and day out for“The Man.” Those students who put so muchstress on there minds and bodies that theycompletely shut themselves off from the restof the world in an attempt to please “The Man”with high grades. Well, screw that lets takecontrol right here and now. Who’s with me?

Wednesday, April 23, 2003ArtsArts “Deliver the Blow.”

Yo La Tengo: Summer Sun (2003, Matador Records)By the Volcano Worshipper

Yo La Tengo just may be the best band ever to come from New Jersey.I doubt that anyone else reading this will agree with me, and I probablydon’t have a right to say such things being that I’m from Connecticut,but as far as I’m concerned, it’s true. It’s hard to think of many bandswho have had a career both as stunningly prolific and high quality asthis band has. This, the band’s 10th proper album, is yet anotherstunning success.

This album is one of the mellowest the band has done to date.Fortunately, it escapes being boring by having such wonderfulproduction, combined with simple yet intricate arrangements, andbeautiful songwriting. Subtle electronic touches and reverb along withacoustic instruments allow the music to have a warm, ambient feel,and it sounds just lovely. The band’s last few EPs saw themcollaborating with several jazz musicians, most notably on last year’scovers of Sun Ra’s “Nuclear War”, and this jazz influence continueshere, with the occasional presence of a few horns and woodwindshere and there, culminating in the second-to-last track, a 10 minutejam called “Let’s Be Still”.

It’s notable that there aren’t any songs on this album that rock outthe way a lot of their earlier albums do, and that usually a few songson all their subsequent albums do. Most fans and critics are cryingthat this album is a boring, mediocre letdown because of this. I happento think that it’s actually more consistent than their last few albums,and I enjoy it greatly. It sounds like a perfect album to chill out toduring the summer, so maybe it should’ve been called “Summer Moon”.Regardless, it’s another gem from a wonderful band.

MUSIC REVIEWby the VOLCANO WORSHIPPER

The greatest movie ever createdwould be Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, andJet Li, all in a movie together called,“Where’s the White Guy?” It would involveJackie Chan fighting a bunch of gangmembers in a junkyard, using things likecar tires and common household appliancesto fight them off, where he would meetJet Li, who is searching for his formerfriend turned mob boss. They would fightall the way to the guy’s headquarters, nocrappy dialogue would get in the way oftheir butt kicking abilities, and they wouldmeet up with Chow Yun Fat, who was aformer bodyguard for the mob boss, butwas lured away by some asian beauty. Theywould then confront the mob boss wherehe would reveal that he killed the fatherof Jackie Chan, and they would all fight.Jet Li fights the mob boss, Jackie Chan, abunch of martial artists, and Chow Yun Fat,would shoot up various gang members withdual berettas in the process getting shot10-12 times. They would all then rejoiceat their various accomplishments, and thenthey would die of the SARS... The End.

Wouldn’t This be aGreat Movie?by: Henry Rarisan

In the year 2015, willWomens’ Aggressive Sports

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Wednesday, April 23, 2003 AdAd“I hate you Tiffany”

Wednesday, April 23, 2003PersonalsPersonals “you’re one lucky guy, buddy. you know i have the ACLU on speed-dial?”

Come to a medium meetingwednesday night, LSC room 111.Or, if you like, you could join theranks of people who find ̂ this^ pic-ture amusing. Your choice...choosewisely. I’d go with the medium.

If you’re going to do something, you might as wellgo all out. So, while you’re going all out, why notsend us a personal at olsentwins@seductive.com?Think this was an awesome issue? Think it was theworst one yet? You’ll thank yourself in the morn-ing, plus have the satisfaction of knowing that yourinsult/stalker-like text will appear in thatWednesday’s paper.

This is a song about an(awesome fellow) You are an(awesome fellow) to the max,You are Laymil’s (best friend),You like to (befriend) youngboys You are a flamethrowerCessna’s an (awesome fellow)x4 (I love) you (awesome guy)You are an (awesome guy) Youlike to lick (lollipops) Go (love)a horse’s (leg) (awesome guy)!You are a loserYou like to make enemiesYou are a (fantastic bowler)You like (veal) to the maxRock on MiamiRock over ChicagoSprite - Obey your thrist.

(Wesley willis must certainlyenjoy sending us personals.You should too.)

i hate you, but thanks for (theice cream you gave me) lastnite.(no problem. i love (icecream), especially when itdoesn’t make you itch.)Azn Pride!www.asianavenue.com(it’s nice to see such a small,tight-knit group of asiansbonding together in a pro-asian activity. cause lordknows there’s nothing morethat I love than love. no, re-ally.)

How come we don’t have aScientology club at this shittyuniversity. We have a Jew(ish)club, a Christian Club, and a(muslim) Club, but notScientology Club. We actuallyhave rich people and a fewceleberties from our school.We actually have Tom Cruiseand John Travolta fans in ourschool. So why the (poo) dowe not have a Scientology clubin RU!? (I love) YouMcGreevey, Go (cry) Yourself(to sleep).

Long live Israel!

(such ethnic pride. makes mewant to cry.)

My Honey, I want to (kiss you)you in the (mouth). With love,me.

(and in spring, the youngmen’s fancy turns to love)

Here’s a message to those(lovely brothers) over at DKE.You know you’re (absolutelyawesome) when you have toask one of your pledges to findsome of your brothers lastminute dates to your formal.Yeah I’m talking to you yah(handsome) pimply (stud)! Youmight as well have gone withyour right hand (girl), wouldhave at least saved you someembarrassment!

Laymil, you deserve to havea(n) (award) for (the lovely jobyou do alienating people.)

(clean week is so much fun!afterwards i feel tingly insidecause i’m not contributing tothe corruption of minors withfist fights & carrots!)

The Nazis had a Patriot ActToo...It was Called TheEnabling Act and It gave MorePower to the Executive -Namely Hitler. Dont LetAmerica turn into a Nazi(nation). Make Sure you VoteOn November 16!

I (love) Indians.

(it’s funny how the meaningof something can be changedby only changing one word.)

ta mai Honies, Pleeze gimmeda chance to hab my (tacoflavored kisses from) yourbeautiful mouth, and fine(behind). wift more LOVING,me.

“War On Terror War OnMcGreevey” “War OnMcGreevey Not On Iraq”“Bush is Evil So IsMcGreevey”

(just cause i’m rich doesn’tmean i’ll give you taco fla-vored kisses...taco taco,burrito burrito)

Tell me who the (fellow) whowrote that (personal) inGerman is or I’ll get mynetworks to sue your Anti-Israel (butts) and your terroristloving (women). This is yourfinal warning.

It really is disturbing the valuesthat rap videos (and music)push on people. And what isworse is that MTV disavowsany responsibility because its“art,” and they only play whatthe “artist” creates. Not that Iam for censorship in any way,but the values being imposedon the youth that watch thatchannel (and that’s a very bigaudience) are very bad indeed.

(agreed 100%. music’s val-ues have shifted from sex,drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll togangs, drugs, and hoochies.unacceptable!)thank god for the olsen twins.without them, i think my lifewould not have the stability andhappiness i currently enjoy inmy sub-par, meager existenceshuffling burgers in the campuscenter.

Who knowing the judgment ofGod, that they which commitsuch things are worthy ofdeath, not only do the same,but have pleasure in them thatdo them! How can ye escapethe damnation of hell? Repent!For the Kingdom of Heaven isat Hand!

HEY (cock)ROACH,LEARN TO OPEN AWINDOW YOUR BO ISUNBEARABLE.

(it’s funny, cause it’s stillclean.)

www.slutgers.com - our newsite stank so much, it made TheMedium jealous...for the simple act of existingis in itself tiresome and de-serves an end swiftly coming.justice must be served.

to my best friend sean: i’dlike to thank you for every-thing you’ve meant to me. thetwo times we’ve hung outhave been enough for you toform a preconceived notionof who i am and how adept iam at using a computer.kisses! - bryan

4/23/03 PersonalsPersonalsI want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

HEY COCKROACH,DON’T BE A BITTERLITTLE PIECE OF NYQUILJUST CUZ I GET BETTERGRADES THEN YOU.MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’TAN ARROGANT/MINDLESS/MOMMA’SBOY YOU WOULDREALIZE THAT THEWORLD DOESN’TREVOLVE AROUNDGARDENING MAJORSLIKE YOURSELF. MAYBEYOU WOULD HAVE ABETTER CHANCEGETTING YOUR DAD TOBAIL YOU IF YOUSTOPPED WITH THATDUMB LOOK. YOU’VENEVER HAD A PUPPY TOBE A WHINY CRACKERABOUT, SO QUITLOOKING DUMB BYGLUING YOUR BACKHAIR TO YOUR FACE. ITMAKES YOU LOOKMORE LIKE THE NICEGUY THAT YOU ARE.ENJOY YOURSELF NEXTYEAR WITH ALL THENICE KIDS FROMNIELSON.I Still like girls named Shirley.(Surely, you mean you likethe name Kathy)Why cant they lower the Price@ THe Grease Trucks?!Because that would meanthat would mean they wouldhave to hire immigrant work-ers from the south, and thatwould be illegal)I am offended by the Medium,but it is much much better thanthe targum.(By which targum are youreferring to? The MonthlyTargum, The WeeklyTargum, you can’t possiblymean the Daily Targum?!?!)To the blonde in my stats class:I want to give you an ice creamcone and clean your entirehouse, and then I want to paintyour pillow until it is as soft andpink as your poodle. Amen.(It’s good to know that wehave some good, church lov-ing boys who read our paper,preach on preacher man)

“Attack of the Killer Tomato’s: Part 7” This timethey’re not here to kill you, they’re here toCUDDLE you!!!!! If you hate this caption, try andcome up with a better one and e-mail it along withyour personals to olsentwins@seductive.com

Remember Chandra Levy!(Who’s that?)

Hey guys, I think we lost thewar on Terrorism andIraq...too bad African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Asian-Americans,Italian-Americans, andAmerican-Americans don’tknow about it. It’s our littlesecret. God Bless GeorgeBush! Long Live The YoungRepublicans!

(There’s a war on Terrorismand Iraq? Since when? I’mgonna go get a pretzel)

Try and Find Waldo, I dare ya; if you’re smartenuf to find Waldo, then you’re smart enuf tojoin The Medium. Come and Visit tonight in theLivingston Student Center, Room 111A at 9:30 P.M.LJX will fall in love with you

anyday! Or at least marry youand pour orange all over mykitchen and make you clean itup. Or was I just thinking aboutcessna? Oh well.

I remember my times with myUncle, we always used to callhim Uncle Cave Man. Hewas so cool, he used to live ina cave and always feed us fishstraight from the river near hishouse. Until one day UncleCave Man are my brother,that was the day we realizedUncle CaveMan was reallyjust an ordinary bear.(I once had an uncle that atemy brother too, until oneday we realized that he wasJeffery Dahmer)

Barkin Ark-I can’t believeyou got on ur beautiful kneesto beg for a Medium personal.You are the most thoughtful,caring human being I’ve evermet and that’s exactly why weget along so well. Why don’tyou go have lunch withyourself or better yet whydon’t you go eat an apple forthat professor. And you cango to a Dave MatthewsConcert because we all knowyou do it all the time anyway.We can hear you through thewalls, you poo-head. Andhey, tomorrow are you gonnawear polka dots or stripesbecause the fact that one dayyou dress casual and the nextyou’re formal is reallyunbelievable, make up yourmind.

Come to church. It’s good foryour body and soul - GodBrought to you by RU forChrist.(And after that don’t forgetto come to your SatanWorshipping meeting, or as Ilike to call it, “The Medium”Tonight at (9:30 in LSC,room 111A)

A Wise Man once said: “Idon’t greatly admire Japanesewomen; they have no figuresto speak of, and look as if abee had stung them in the eye.”

(I once got stung by a beeonce, it hurt alot, I went topull out the stinger, andthen I realized it was just ahobo bite.)

I do not see Indians as beingwhite.When you say Indians do youmean Native-Americans,CuzI want to see one dressed asa gangsta one day)

Stupid people. It is pathetic tosee all the young male’s tryingto emulate rappers.Unfortunately these guys growup without understanding thegreatness of their own poorcultural heritage.

!@#$ you %^&* you ()!@#.I’m gonna $%^& you up likea car crash. I’m gonna *()!you up in the @#$hole. I’mgonna %^&* you up like agoshdarn accident all the wayup your ()!. @#$% you ̂ &*(you )!@# you! I’m gonnamake you a flaming$%^&*()!@# to the max!Jesus is the answer! Jesus isthe answer! If you don’t like itgo to camp you $%^!

(That last Exclamationpoint was real, it wasn’tjust a censoring device.)To White Mike, Don’t go tosleep tonight or you will get avisit from my general... Yourfellow cadet

www.themedium.net

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003What’s Shakin’What’s Shakin’ now i’m back where i belong. get me out of here.

New Jersey

New YorkWed 4/23 - Widespread Panic - Beacon TheaterWed 4/23 - Brand Nubian - S.O.B.’sWed 4/23 - Lloyd Cole - Joe’s PubThur 4/24 - Cheap Trick - Beacon TheaterThur 4/24 - Toto - B. B. King Blues Club & GrillThur 4/24 - Evan Dando - Joe’s PubFri 4/25 - The Flaming Lips - Roseland BallroomFri 4/25 - Cold, Finger Eleven, Depswa - Irving PlazaFri 4/25 - Yo La Tengo, Portastatic - Beacon TheaterSat 4/26 - Adult. - Bowery BallroomSat 4/26 - Throwing Muses - Irving PlazaSun 4/27, Mon 4/28 - Delgados - Bowery BallroomTue 4/29 - Good Charlotte - Hammerstein BallroomTue 4/29 - Silverchair - Bowery BallroomTue 4/29 - Ladytron, Codec, Flexor - Irving PlazaTue 4/29 - Blackalicious - S.O.B.’sTue 4/29, Wed 4/30 - Melissa Ferrick - Knitting Fac-toryWed 4/30 - Pearl Jam - Nassau ColiseumWed 4/30 - Bright Eyes, Arab Strap - Irving PlazaThur 5/1 - Bright Eyes - Town HallThur 5/1 - The Butchies - Knitting FactoryFri 5/2 - The Ataris - Roseland Ballroom

Wed 4/23 - Lifehouse, Fiction Plane - StonePonyFri 4/25 - Cheap Trick - Count Basie TheaterFri 4/25 - Marah, Terry Little - The SaintFri 4/25 - Denali, The Anniversary -Maxwell’sFri 4/25 - Sun 4/27 - Skate & Surf Festival -Asbury Park Convention HallSat 4/26 - Stephen Lynch - Stone PonySat 4/26 - Margaret Cho - Count BasieTheaterTue 4/29 - Hookah Brown (w/ RichRobinson of The Black Crowes) -Maxwell’sWed 4/30 - Jucifer, The Detachment Kit -Maxwell’sThur 5/1 - 50 Cent, Clipse - Convention Hall(Asbury Park)Thur 5/1 - The Transplants - Birch HillFri 5/2 - Gipsy Kings - Count Basie Theater

http://www.themedium.net

last issue of the year next week! send events to orgykarma@yahoo.com

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Medium meeting tonight9:30 @ LSC 111

NJ Folk Festival on Douglass

& Ag Field Day on CookSaturday, April 26

come for the meats on sticks!stay for the concerts!

FREE admission!