05 03 09 identifying major sources of conflict in marriage part 2 conflict resolution communication...

West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”

Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict

IntroductionIntroduction

““Conflict is.” Conflict is.”

2 Corinthians 2:10-122 Corinthians 2:10-12

If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in orderIf you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order

that Satan might not outwit us. that Satan might not outwit us. For we are notFor we are not

unaware of his schemes.unaware of his schemes.


IntroductionIntroduction

““Conflict is.” Conflict is.”

2 Corinthians 2:10-122 Corinthians 2:10-12

If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in orderIf you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order

that Satan might not outwit us. that Satan might not outwit us. For we are notFor we are not

unaware of his schemes.unaware of his schemes.

To deal effectively with conflict, we need to beTo deal effectively with conflict, we need to be

awareaware of the common sources. of the common sources.


Some Warnings from Scripture about ConflictSome Warnings from Scripture about Conflict

Proverbs 17:19Proverbs 17:19

He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds aHe who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a

high gate high gate invites destructioninvites destruction..


As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is aAs charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a

quarrelsome man for quarrelsome man for kindling strifekindling strife..


Some Warnings from Scripture about ConflictSome Warnings from Scripture about Conflict


Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsomeBetter to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome

and ill-tempered wife.and ill-tempered wife.

2 Timothy 2:142 Timothy 2:14

……. Warn them before God against quarreling about. Warn them before God against quarreling about

words; it is of no value, and words; it is of no value, and only ruins those whoonly ruins those who

listenlisten..


Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict



1. 1. MoneyMoney



1. 1. MoneyMoney

2. 2. SexSex



1. 1. MoneyMoney

2. 2. SexSex

3. 3. ChoresChores



1. 1. MoneyMoney

2. 2. SexSex

3. 3. ChoresChores

4. 4. In LawsIn Laws



1. 1. MoneyMoney

2. 2. SexSex

3. 3. ChoresChores

4. 4. In LawsIn Laws

5. 5. ChildrenChildren


Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts



(1) Anger and Hate(1) Anger and Hate


Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over allHatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all

wrongs.wrongs.


A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but aA hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a

patient man calms a quarrel.patient man calms a quarrel.





An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hotAn angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot

tempered one commits many sins.tempered one commits many sins.



(2) Spiritual Immaturity(2) Spiritual Immaturity

1 Corinthians 3:31 Corinthians 3:3

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy andYou are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and

quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are youquarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you

not acting like mere men?not acting like mere men?




I John 2:15-16I John 2:15-16

Do not love the world or anything in the world. IfDo not love the world or anything in the world. If

anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is notanyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not

in him. For everything in the world — the cravingsin him. For everything in the world — the cravings

of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastingof sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting

of what he has and does — comes not from theof what he has and does — comes not from the

Father but from the world.Father but from the world.



(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longingHope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing

fulfilled is a tree of life.fulfilled is a tree of life.





Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longingHope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing

fulfilled is a tree of life.fulfilled is a tree of life.

God designed us as both God designed us as both rationalrational and and emotionalemotional

beings.beings.




Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise





KidsKids





KidsKids

ParentsParents





KidsKids

ParentsParents

SchoolSchool





KidsKids

ParentsParents

SchoolSchool

SportsSports





KidsKids

ParentsParents

SchoolSchool

SportsSports

WorkWork





We have a reaction We have a reaction EVERYEVERY time reality does not time reality does not

equal expectations.equal expectations.




DisappointmentDisappointment





AngerAnger





AngerAnger

BitternessBitterness





AngerAnger Hurt Hurt

BitternessBitterness





AngerAnger Hurt Hurt

BitternessBitterness DepressionDepression




We view life through our own definition of We view life through our own definition of

" normal " normal ."."




We view life through our own definition of We view life through our own definition of

" normal " normal ."."

Our idea of Our idea of “normal”“normal” was largely formed by the was largely formed by the

environmentenvironment we grew up in. we grew up in.




Over time, we develop expectations aboutOver time, we develop expectations about

virtually virtually every areaevery area of life. of life.




We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage

and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!






Money Money






Money Money Sex Sex






Money Money Sex Sex

Chores Chores






Money Money Sex Sex

Chores Chores FamilyFamily






Money Money Sex Sex

Chores Chores FamilyFamily

ChildrenChildren




Most of our expectations are simply our Most of our expectations are simply our opinionopinion

of the way things should be.of the way things should be.




Most of our expectations are simply our Most of our expectations are simply our opinionopinion

of the way things should be.of the way things should be.

We need to We need to consciouslconsciously test our expectationsy test our expectations

against against God's WordGod's Word. .



(4) Selfishness(4) Selfishness




James 1:13-15James 1:13-15

When tempted, no one should say, "God is temptingWhen tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting

me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor doesme." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does

he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, byby

his own evil desirehis own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed., he is dragged away and enticed.

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;

and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.




James 3:14-16James 3:14-16

But if you harbor But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambitionbitter envy and selfish ambition in in

your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.

Such "wisdom" does not come down from heavenSuch "wisdom" does not come down from heaven

but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where youbut is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you

have envy and selfish ambition, there you findhave envy and selfish ambition, there you find

disorder and every evil practicedisorder and every evil practice..




James 4:1James 4:1

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't

they come from they come from your desiresyour desires that battle within you? that battle within you?



(5) Pride(5) Pride


Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found inPride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in

those who take advice.those who take advice.



(5) Pride(5) Pride

1 Timothy 6:41 Timothy 6:4

……he is conceited and understands nothing. He hashe is conceited and understands nothing. He has

an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrelsan unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels

about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk,about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk,

evil suspicionsevil suspicions



(5) Pride(5) Pride How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star,How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star,

son of the dawn! You have been cast down to theson of the dawn! You have been cast down to the

earth, you who once laid low the nations! You saidearth, you who once laid low the nations! You said

in your heart, in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,

I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." I will make myself like the Most High."



(5) Pride(5) Pride

Pride is the Pride is the rootroot of every sin. of every sin.



(5) Pride(5) Pride

Pride is the Pride is the rootroot of every sin. of every sin.

The essence of pride is our desire to The essence of pride is our desire to controlcontrol – to – to

be God of our own life.be God of our own life.



(5) Pride(5) Pride

Instead of pride,Instead of pride, God calls us to a life that isGod calls us to a life that is

marked by marked by humilityhumility. .


Phil 2:4 - 7Phil 2:4 - 7

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility but in humility consideconsider others better thanr others better than

yourselves. Each of you should look not only to youryourselves. Each of you should look not only to your

own interests, but also to the interests of others. own interests, but also to the interests of others.


Phil 2:4 – 7 (continued)Phil 2:4 – 7 (continued)

Your attitude should be the same as that of ChristYour attitude should be the same as that of Christ

JesusJesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not: Who, being in very nature God, did not

consider equality with God something to be grasped,consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of ataking the very nature of a

servantservant, being made in human likeness. And being, being made in human likeness. And being

found in appearance as a man, he humbled himselffound in appearance as a man, he humbled himself

and became obedient to death — even death on aand became obedient to death — even death on a

cross! cross!


1 Peter 5:51 Peter 5:5

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward oneAll of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one

another, because, "God opposes the proud but givesanother, because, "God opposes the proud but gives

grace to the humble."grace to the humble."






(5) Pride(5) Pride

05 03 09 identifying major sources of conflict in marriage part 2 conflict resolution communication...

Spiritual

common sources

quarrelsome man

angry man

patient man

hottempered man

quarrel loves

cravings of sinful man

conflicts1 anger