1 1 the highly healthy marriage. 2 2 3 3 i) thou shalt not be selfish

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The Highly The Highly Healthy MarriageHealthy Marriage

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GETncm/justsaycust-recrate-itemcommunittg/stores/dtg/stores/d-favorite-listruejust-say-no

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I) Thou Shalt Not Be I) Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishSelfish

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Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be Selfish

The number one problem in marriage = “Self-itis”.

William Harley - Marriage Counselor:

Beliefs that encourage self-centeredness destroy marriage.

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The number one problem in marriage = “Self-itis”.

Symptoms of “Self-ITIS”:I = ImmaturityT = Time ChoicesI = InsensitivityS = Stubbornness

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Treatment of “Self-itis”:Get some “PEP” in your relationship!

P = Priorities (get on the same page)E = Expectations (define expectations)P = Patterns (get lifestyle patterns together)

Understand love temperaments!

Understand love languages!

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The Five Love Languages

1. Verbal affirmation.

2. Quality time.

3. Touch (affectionate touches and hugs).

4. Service.

5. Gifts.

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Reflecting:In what specific areas of your relationship with

your spouse do you find yourself behaving or thinking selfishly?

What specific symptoms of self-itis can you identify in yourself?

What kind of expectations do you have for your marriage and your spouse? How can you begin communicating those expectations?

Do you know your and your spouse’s temperament and love language?

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II) Thou Shalt Cut the II) Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsApron strings

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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsThou Shalt Cut the Apron strings

Cleave to your spouse:Like glue.Like boats on a lake.

Cleave to a covenant.Leave parents – Cut the Apron strings

Cut the “Counseling Strings.”Cut the “Economic Strings.”

Leave past people, past problems, past places.

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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron stringsThou Shalt Cut the Apron strings

Reflecting:On whom did you depend most before you

were married?How has that prior relationship affected your

marriage?Describe the greatest bond between you and

your spouse.What strings need to be cut and how?What in your past needs to be left behind?

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III) Thou Shalt III) Thou Shalt Continually Continually

CommunicateCommunicate

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Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually CommunicateCommunicate

Hindrances to Good CommunicationSchedulesChildrenTelevisionFear of Conflict

If a husband and wife never have any conflicts, one or both of them is dead

OR

they are not communicating.

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Levels of Good CommunicationClichésJust the FactsOpinions and ConvictionsFeelingsCommunicating Needs

You are married to a foreigner (someone who thinks and talks differently and who is from a different culture).

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Reflecting:On a scale of 1 to 10, rate the communication

in your marriage.How are you and your spouse at

communicating your feelings and needs to one another?

Describe some hindrances to communication in your marriage.

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IV) Thou Shalt Make IV) Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyConflict Thy Ally

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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyMarital myths

Good marriages do not have problems.Conflict hurts good marriages.

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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyDo’s of Good Communication

Try to utilize your faith (pray, meditate, read Scripture).

Live with your spouse in an understanding way.Listen to your spouse.Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.Make confession and forgiveness a priority.

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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy AllyAllyReflecting

How has conflict resulted in strengthening a weak point in your relationship?

How did your parents handle conflict when you were growing up, and how has that pattern affected you?

Were they peacemakers or prizefighters? What about you?

How do you need to change to make conflict an ally rather than an enemy?

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V) Thou Shalt Avoid the V) Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of DebtQuicksand of Debt

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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debtof Debt

Over half of all family breakups in America stem from money – too much, not

enough, poor management, big bills, interest, credit problems, bankruptcy,

etc., etc., etc.

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10-20-70 budgetFirst subtract taxes and tithe.Second, place 10% in savings, retirement

or investment (pay yourself),Third, use 20% for debt reduction,Then, use the remaining 70% for

operating expenses.

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10-20-70 budgetHow to overcome greed

Learn the secret of admiring without desiring.Learn the secret of giving stuff away.Learn the secret of being generous.

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Reflecting:What is the driving force of debt in your family?What purchase are you currently considering

that would increase your debt? Why do you need it?

What percentage of your income are you giving to your faith community?

How much is your current credit card debt? Non credit card debt? What steps are you taking to get out of debt?

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VI) Thou Shalt Flee VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation – Sexual Temptation –

Online and OtherwiseOnline and Otherwise

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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual TemptationTemptationThere is a divine design for sex.Treat sexual temptation like a deadly

disease.Run, don’t walk, from sexual temptationStay off the “online” roof top.Intimacy takes time, good timing, and time

away together.

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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual TemptationTemptationReflecting:

Discuss your definition of sex? Is your definition more “designer sex” or “cultural sex”?

What “roof tops” tempt you the most? What is your “flight plan”?

What grade would you give the intimacy (sexual, emotional and spiritual) of your marriage? What would improve things?

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VII) Thou Shalt Forgive VII) Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – 490 Times Thy Spouse – 490 Times

and Moreand More

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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseHarmful responses to wrongs

Retaliation, rebellion, accommodation

Healthy response to wrongsForgivenessEstablishing healthy boundaries

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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseF = Forgiving is highly healthyO = Organize Your Thoughts by WritingR = Review Your ExperienceG = Give the Boot to Anger and RegretI = Invest in Removing ResentmentV = Victory Comes in Forgiving OthersI = Increase Your Gratitude for Past PainN = Navigate to Inner PeaceG = Give Comfort to Others

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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Thou Shalt Forgive Thy SpouseSpouseReflecting:

In what specific areas of marriage do you have the most trouble forgiving “seventy times seven” times?

What usually blocks your willingness to forgive?Are you willing to walk through the F-O-R-G-I-

V-N-E-S-S acrostic with me?

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VIII) Thou Shalt Keep VIII) Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burningthe Home Fires Burning

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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningBurning

Stages of marriage:Honeymoon Stage.“The Party’s Over” Stage.“The Best is Yet to Be” Stage.

This stage requires looking for and working for mature love.

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1 Corinthians 14:4-8Love is patient, love is kind. It does not

envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

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Mature Love is:Patient. I put up with the imperfections of my

mate.Kind. I perform acts of kindness for my spouse.Joyful with truth. My love grows out of a base of

honesty and integrity.Trusting. I believe the best from my spouse.Full of hope. I hope for the best from and for my

spouse.Enduring. My love lasts through even the

toughest of times.

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Mature Love is not:Jealous. Instead, it rests secure.Boastful. Instead, it refrains from building itself

up.Arrogant. Instead, it humbles itself.Self-seeking. Instead, it puts a spouse’s needs

and desires first.Angry. Instead, it refrains from rash outbursts.Looking for paybacks. Instead, mature love

forgives, even when treated wrongly.

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Mature Love:But, most of all, love never fails! Instead, I’m always there to support my

spouse.Oprah interviewed Billy Graham:

Oprah: “What’s the secret to your wonderful marriage to Ruth (of 56 years)?”

Dr. Graham: “We are happily incompatible.”

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Working toward a mature love:Speak blessingsOpen up and confessChange yourself and not your mate

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Reflecting:How important is it to you to “work” in making

your marriage a happy, passionate, loving one?In what stage of marriage are you today? What

steps do you need to take to move on to the next stage?

Take the “love test” of 1 Corinthians 13.In what areas of love are you strong? Explain.

Where are you weak and what can you do about it, starting today?

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IX) Thou Shalt Begin IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgain and Again

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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgainWhat’s the secret to marriage survival?Thou shalt begin again and again. There

are 6 steps to beginning again:AcceptanceAttentionAdjustmentAmnestyAppreciationAffection

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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgainReflecting:

What three things would you do differently if you could start your marriage over?

Which of the six steps to “beginning again” does your marriage need the most? Explain.

Would you consider your marriage warm and loving, hot and cold, or dry and barren? In what ways?

Have you hugged your spouse today?

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X) Thou Shalt Build a X) Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamWinning Team

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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamTeamComponents for winning teams:

Deciding to buildBuilding the team

A competent architectThe right coachThe playersThe intangiblesFan supportDetermination and commitment

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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamTeamReflecting:

If your marriage were a college football team, where would it be ranked?

In what areas does your mate need some coaching? What about you?

How do your family and friends provide fan support for your marriage?

What is the greatest strength of your marriage time?

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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy 10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy MarriageMarriageI)I) Thou Shalt Not Be SelfishThou Shalt Not Be SelfishII)II) Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Thou Shalt Cut the Apron

StringsStringsIII)III) Thou Shalt Continually Thou Shalt Continually

CommunicateCommunicateIV)IV) Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy

AllyAllyV)V) Thou Shalt Avoid the Thou Shalt Avoid the

Quicksand of DebtQuicksand of Debt

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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy 10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy MarriageMarriageVI)VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Thou Shalt Flee Sexual

Temptation – Online and Temptation – Online and OtherwiseOtherwise

VII)VII)Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – 490 Times and More490 Times and More

VIII)VIII)Thou Shalt Keep the Home Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires BurningFires Burning

IX)IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again and Thou Shalt Begin Again and AgainAgain

X)X) Thou Shalt Build a Winning Thou Shalt Build a Winning TeamTeam

1 1 the highly healthy marriage. 2 2 3 3 i) thou shalt not be selfish

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