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1. How To Love Each Other More (Without Pushing Each Other Away)

Love usually seems like an instinctive thing, and in many ways, it is. When you

love somebody, it is a feeling that seems to happen quite naturally, without

any need for effort or a conscious decision on your part. You don't really

choose to love someone, you just do. Especially early in the relationship, when

your passion for one another is at an all-time high, you seem to just go with

the flow and let things take their natural course. Therefore, it seems strange to

talk about a loving relationship in a more calculated way.

However, within all relationships there are many balances that need to be in

place. For instance, while it's impossible to say that two people could love

each other exactly the same amount (and it's a preposterous concept to talk

about love as a measurable thing, but work with me here), it's important that

there be some kind of balance there.

Similarly, when it comes to the effort that gets put into different areas of the

relationship- communication, physical affection, making time for each other,

your sex life- it is important that there be a balance between the effort that

you both put in.

Right now, though, we are going to talk about a different balance: the balance

between loving somebody even more without pushing them away.

Love is like anything else; for every action there is an opposite and equal

reaction. When you love somebody even more than before, they might

respond to it positively and you might find that both of your passions are

reignited. You might also find that the other person instinctively pushes you

away, too.

However, there are different ways to look at loving somebody. Some people

want a large quantity of love, and some don't. If your partner is somebody

who doesn't want a larger quantity in terms of spending more time together,

for instance, because they are busy or are the type of person that needs

regular time alone, that's fine. In that case, you can increase the quality of

your love.

That means that when you spend time together, make sure you are totally

focused on the other person. Make sure that the time you do spend together

is special. Give more of an effort when you're together, and also show that

you love them by giving the time that they need apart from you at times, too.

You can show love in many ways- even by being understanding when your

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partner has a lot of work to do and can't spend time with you, or when they

need to hang out with friends or spend some time alone to relax.

Chapter 2. When the Passion Begins to Fade

When a relationship begins, it is only normal to believe that the passion will

never fade away. Even the most pessimistic person can't avoid being swept

away by the initial feelings of a new relationship, after all.

However, it's not realistic to believe that your passion for the other person will

never begin to fade even a little bit, and vice versa. That's not being cynical,

but being realistic. In fact, it's not even necessarily a bad thing. There are

different types of love, and while the passion of the early days of your

relationship feels great, think about the advantages of a stronger, deeper love

that comes from a long-term relationship.

For instance, many couples that have been together for a long time are strong

enough as a couple to survive serious setbacks- tragedies within the family,

financial struggles, even huge relationship problems. A new couple, even with

all of their passion for one another, would not be equipped to deal with such

problems. So you see, the shift from the fiery intensity of young love to the

deeper, cooler love of a long-term relationship is not without its advantages.

Of course, this book is not about settling in any way, shape, or form. I don't

think that you have to choose between the fire of the early days of your

relationship and the strength that you gain from being together a long time.

Why can't you have both?

In life, you should never settle for less than what you want and believe that

you deserve. Love is no different, in that way. You've chosen to be with one

person for so long; why should your love be anything less than spectacular?

Why should you simply accept that you will never feel for them what you once

did? Yes, passion will initially wane after a time, but that doesn't mean that

you can't get it back.

3. Reigniting the Fire and Passion

So, if you are truly ready to do whatever needs to be done to reignite the fire

and passion in your relationship, that's the first step. What's the second step?

The third? The fourth? How do you go about getting back something that

now seems like a distant memory?

First, let's try to understand some of the obstacles that you face as a couple

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that have been together for years, rather than months. One of the biggest

obstacles that you face comes in the form of the habits that you have

established both as individuals and as a couple. Here's an example:

Quinton and Sara have been together for several years now. At first, like most

couples, their relationship was very passionate. Quinton was romantic and

affectionate at the start of the relationship, and while he still is, both the

quantity and quality of his expressions of love for her have slowed down quite

a bit. Meanwhile, Sara's affections for Quinton have cooled quite a bit, too,

though she still loves him very much.

Their lives, like those of so many couples, have become a well-worn routine.

Quinton goes to work five days per week and when he comes home, either he

or Sara, who works a few days per week and goes to school part-time, will

make dinner. Sometimes, they'll go out to dinner, usually to one of a few

places that they are used to.

After that, Quinton will generally watch some sports on television, while Sara

will read a book. Occasionally, they will go out to see a movie together or get

together with friends. On weekends, they very rarely do anything special or

out of the ordinary. Their sex life, like the rest of their relationship, is fine, but

not great. Like everything else, it is still fueled by the love they have for one

another, but it isn't quite what it used to be.

Like most couples, Quinton and Sara have fallen into a routine. This is very

easy to do, and even easier for couples who have very structured lives

(couples who have kids have an even harder time breaking out of routines

with the structure of kids' bedtimes, school hours, and so forth enforcing a

certain schedule in their lives).

At first, you may say to yourself, "How is having a routine going to affect your

passion for each other in your relationship?" It's a valid question, but the

response may surprise you.

Think about when you first start dating someone. The two components that

were likely there that are not now are a spontaneity and mystery. Now,

mystery is difficult to reintroduce into a relationship once you know each

other very well. For now, though, we're focusing on spontaneity. When you

think about when you first dated your significant other, do you think that the

sense of adventure that you felt had to do simply with the fact that you were

getting to know one another for the first time?

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What about the things you used to do? The restaurants that are your regular

places to go now were once new places that you tried out together. Instead of

staying home and watching TV, you went out on dates and did things. Doing

these things together not only built new memories that became the anchor

for your feelings toward one another, but also gave you something to talk

about.

That feeling of spontaneity can absolutely return to your relationship, but in

order to capture it, you need to get out of your comfort zone. Take a dance

class together. Go on a trip somewhere. Try a new type of food. Take a

cooking class. Meet some friends and go on double dates. The options are

endless, and the only wrong decision is just continuing to do whatever it is

you're doing right now.

In many ways, it is nice to be comfortable with one another. You don't have to

feel self-conscious around the other person, you can feel free to be yourself,

and hey, how can you live with someone if you are afraid that they'll see you

without makeup on or looking your best? However, the term "comfortable"

can also often mean "complacent", and as Woody Allen once said,

"Relationships are like sharks. If they stop moving forward, they die."

Let's talk about the mystery component now. To most people it would seem

that this is one area that you just can't get back once it's gone. It's tempting

to say that once you've been with somebody for several years, you know

them, as if getting to know somebody is something that never changes once

it initially happens. As if people always stay the same.

When people say that somebody has "changed", it is almost always used in a

negative way. "He's changed" or "She's not like she used to be" are not

compliments, but indictments based upon the idea that somebody is no

longer the person you once liked. However, when two people in a couple do

not evolve whatsoever, that is not good for the relationship. It's boring, and it

leaves each person wanting more.

The fact is, though, that very few people in life don't change in significant

ways as they go through new experiences. You as a person are not a static

thing; you will go through new experiences, challenges, and so on, and you

will change as a result. When couples look at each other after twenty years

and see a stranger sitting across from them, the problem is not that they

changed. The problem is that while they changed, they had stopped being a

couple and therefore did not grow together while they were growing as

individuals.

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This can happen for many reasons. Once we get comfortable with someone

and stop making an effort, we start to feel like we are not so much in a

relationship as we are in a partnership- we raise kids together or maintain a

household together, and that's it. Many couples who experience the "looking

at a stranger" problem do so after their kids go off to college. They've spent

the last couple of decades so focused on being parents, their work, and

everything else, that they've neglected their relationship.

Therefore, I'm not going to tell you not to change. In fact, I'm going to tell you

the opposite. Grow as a person. Try new things. Pursue the hobbies and

interests that fascinate you. Then, share what you've learned with your

partner, and listen with enthusiasm when they do the same, even if you're not

immediately interested in whatever it is that they're talking about. This way,

your lover or spouse is not the "same person" you met all those years ago,

and you suddenly have all these new things to discover about one another.

Growing both as a couple and as individuals is absolutely essential to getting

the fire back in a relationship. The poison that can ultimately kill the passion,

on the other hand, comes in the form of complacency and routine.

4. Where Are You in the Love Cycle?

Love, like all things, comes in cycles. The cycle generally starts with infatuation

and also includes actual love. When you begin a relationship, you may believe

that you are in love, and it may seem preposterous for somebody to tell you

that you're not. They don't know your feelings, after all! They don't know your

experiences...right?

The thing is, all of us have felt that brief, intense period early in a relationship

where you can't get enough of one another. You feel that you are in love

because "love" is the strongest word that you can think of and it seems like an

appropriate description for such an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling.

What it really is, though, is infatuation.

Infatuation is different than love in a number of ways. First of all, with

infatuation, you often don't know enough about somebody to truly love them

deeply. Love is a much more unconditional feeling than infatuation, which has

a comparably very short shelf life. It's hard to feel such an unconditional thing

for somebody that you know very little about.

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Think about it. When you first meet somebody and you are crazy about them,

what are you really in"love" with? With the mystery and adventure, like we

talked about moments ago, but also with their appearance, the way they carry

themselves, and the way that they make you feel. In a word, being around a

new person who you are very attracted to and who is very attracted to you

makes you feel alive. How could you not feel affection for someone in that

situation?

The love cycle are very different than you might expect, partially because they

do not necessarily go in any particular order. You may be used to hearing

about something like the five stages of grief, which are universal and come in

a specific order that they are almost always experienced in.

The love cycle is not like that. You may not experience every part of the cycle

in every relationship, or you may experience parts of the cycle multiple times

within one relationship. In fact, in a long-term relationship, this is even more

likely. Even something like infatuation can happen more than once, depending

on the circumstances. Some of them you experience even when you aren't in a

relationship, although they still relate to relationships (like the search cycle).

Let's talk about what the cycles consist of.

5. What Cycle Are You In and How Do You Feel?

We talked about infatuation and love. I also briefly mentioned the search

cycle, but that won't be covered exhaustively here since you are looking to

enrich your long-term relationship and thus, it doesn't really apply to our

goals. What about the rest of the cycles?

The other cycles include flirtation, determination, resignation, realization,

hiatus, and breakup. As you can probably tell by looking at their names, some

of them more likely happen at certain parts of the relationship, such as

flirtation coming at the beginning and breakup likely coming at the end.

However, this can vary, as many couples break up, flirt, then get back

together, providing just a couple more chapters in the story of their

relationship together.

With flirtation, you are on your best behavior. You are focused on attracting

the person that you are interested in, and are thus very careful about what

you reveal to them and what image you project. This cycle is very fun because

it is like a game or a challenge. It has a playfulness that many people forget to

include in their love lives once they are established as a couple. What you can

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take from the flirtation cycle in terms of your long-term relationship is that

you need to keep that playful nature, even if only now and then, to reignite

that old flame.

Determination can come in many forms. When you are going through trouble

as a couple but you work through it, that's determination. It lacks the flowery,

romantic glory that love enjoys, but it is just as necessary for a long term

relationship.

Resignation, on the other hand, is more like giving up. In this cycle, you have

either tried to work out problems or differences and are tired of giving the

effort or you simply don't want to give the effort at all, regardless. Feelings

associated with this love cycle include loneliness and bitterness. It's not a

place where those who are in healthy, loving relationships spend a lot of time.

The realization love cycle often comes right before a major change in the

relationship, perhaps before resignation, hiatus, or breakup. At this point, you

maybe see something that you didn't see before in someone, or you realize

that your relationship may have been different than you believed it was.

However, strong couples can go from a realization cycle to a determination

cycle, as they are motivated to fix the problems they have accepted rather

than letting them end their love.

Hiatus sounds like a cycle where you are on a "break", doesn't it? Perhaps a

separation? This is a good example of the hiatus love cycle, but there are

many other types, too, not all of which require a physical separation like living

in different residences. What about an emotional hiatus? How many of us

have seen couples that live together and sleep next to one another but are

never really together? The problem with a hiatus is that it can continue

indefinitely if both people let it. Many people believe a hiatus is essential to

fixing a broken relationship, while many others (including myself) believe that

relationships are fixed through work, not just time apart.

The breakup love cycle is likely one that needs no formal introduction. We

have all been through breakups before and are well acquainted with the awful

feelings that they bring. Of course, the worst part of a breakup may not be the

negative feelings, but the almost pitiful positive ones, where we want to

believe so badly that a completely broken relationship can be fixed. The

reality, of course, is that by the time you have reached the breakup cycle, it is

often too late to do what needs to be done.

As you can see, what you feel for another person depends largely on what

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cycle you are in. While all of the cycles serve a purpose that is very important

in its own way, healthy couples obviously spend most of their time in the

"love" cycle.

At the same time, you can learn from the other cycles and incorporate the

positive traits of them into your relationship, even if the cycle itself has

passed. Remember to keep some of that playful flirtation alive. Remember

that a loving relationship requires work, and have determination to keep it

going strong instead of letting it go on auto-pilot.

It's also worth pointing out that the two of you as individuals may not always

be in the same cycle all the time. One of you may still be in the infatuation

cycle when the other has progressed to the love cycle, for instance. One of

you may be in the determination cycle when the other is in the resignation

cycle, to give another example.

6. What is True Love?

When you think of true love, you likely think of a romanticized idea that is

always something that other people experience, not yourself. True love is

something that happens in movies. It's something that happens in fairy tales.

It's something that happens to other people.

The problem is that those assumptions are not true.

In many ways, we have been lied to by Hollywood films and fairy tales, which

have taught us that true love involves fate, magic, and coincidence. We are

told this in spite of the fact that true love really involves caring, work, and

determination. So, why are we told that in order for love to be "true", it has to

come naturally and easily?

Part of the problem is that when people go to see movies or create stories for

children to enjoy, escapism is an important part of the process. In Hollywood,

actors and actresses who have their own imperfect relationships are directed

by men and women who also have their own love problems in an effort to

create on-screen romances that are literally too good to be true.

While movies have become more realistic in their portrayal of true love in

recent years, they still have a ways to go because when people go to the

movies, they don't want to see the handsome prince and the beautiful

princess arguing about bills or having petty fights over simple jealousy. They

don't want to see problems that they can relate to, because they want to

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believe that there is a form of love that is greater than the "regular" love they

experience. But why do we want to think that?

Does it really help us to believe that the love we have for our boyfriends,

girlfriends, husbands, or wives is somehow inferior to what others experience?

Why can't we let go of the lie that true love comes without significant hurdles

to jump or obstacles to clear?

7. True Love in Real Life

Alright, so we now know that true love in real life doesn't look like it does in

the movies. So what does true love in real life look like?

Really, it looks a lot like a real relationship. There are ups and downs, there are

highs and lows, there are good times and bad times. Happy couples aren't

super-couples, endowed somehow with super powers that allow them to leap

tall problems with a single bound and run faster than boredom can possibly

set in during a lengthy relationship.

No, they are people just like you and I, and their relationships have the same

types of problems that you might imagine. Not problems like you'd see on a

sitcom on TV, which can be solved quickly and easily within 30 minutes (22

not counting the commercials), but real, actual problems.

8. In True Love, You Will Encounter Drama

True love is not a force field that surrounds you and your lover, keeping even

the tiniest drama from entering the circumference. It's more like armor that

protects you and insulates you from some of the pain and hurt that can come

from the normal relationship drama. It's a shield that can protect you during

some of the drama that occurs in a regular relationship, not something that

keeps the drama from even happening.

In an ideal situation, true love gives you a base level of feelings for the other

person that influences your actions and how you deal with one another. The

idea is not to eliminate drama completely, since that is impossible in a

relationship. The idea is instead to deal with the drama in a positive and

successful way so that you can move on and be better off than before as a

couple.

True love means that you will work through the hurdles and stumbling blocks

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instead of simply giving up or letting the drama consume you.

In True Love, You Will Fight

It should also go without saying that true love does not mean "a couple that

never fights." The fairy tales may not have shown every little thing, but do you

think Prince Charming and Cinderella never had a lover's spat? No, they may

have lived happily ever after, but they certainly had their disagreements now

and then along the way.

Just as with drama, you have to understand that true love does not make you

immune to the normal things that happen when you're a couple. You are two

individuals with different interests and opinions, and thus, you will not always

have the same ideas on how to deal with things.

Furthermore, sometimes you will have different goals as individuals or a

couple, or one person will think there's a problem where the other person

does not see one at all. The possibilities are endless, but the key is that you

should know that you will have your disagreements, even if your love is true.

9. Defining Boundaries In Your Relationship

When we talk about handling the inevitable drama and arguments that are

going to take place in any relationship, it is important that we recognize that

there have to be boundaries in place to help you both avoid stepping over the

line and making things worse.

Now, you can't simply put an electric shock collar on your spouse or partner

and give them a good buzz whenever they break a boundary that you both

agreed to (as much as you might enjoy doing so at the time). Instead, you will

both need to make an effort not to cross boundaries based on the fact that

you both agree that doing so is important to maintaining a healthy, happy

relationship.

It is very hard to observe boundaries and keep your relationship healthy and

happy if you can't agree on what the boundaries should be (or even that there

should be boundaries whatsoever). So, coming to that realization as a couple

and being fully committed to observing the boundaries that you agree on is

absolutely vital for all of this to work.

What Is Okay to Do

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Now, I think every couple should set their own boundaries based upon a

number of factors, including their individual personalities (we all get hurt or

angered by different things), their histories together as a couple and as

individuals, and all of the other little things that make a couple unique.

However, I also realize that there are a lot of things that seem like good

suggestions for boundaries and starting points, which may also be helpful to

you as a way to begin talking about boundaries with your significant other.

Here are some things that should always be okay to do when it comes to

dealing with drama, arguments, and disagreements:

It should go without saying that discussing the issue should always be okay.

At the same time, there are some issues that will be sensitive, and perhaps

one of you will not feel comfortable talking about them. Maybe you will even

just be tired of talking about them. However, you owe it to the other person

to be open to discussing any source of conflict in your relationship. If you

don't, it won't simply "go away", anyway.

You should always feel comfortable disagreeing with the other person.

Agreeing with your significant other all of the time just to avoid rocking the

boat is not the way to build a strong, healthy relationship. It's a great way to

undermine your relationship while building up your own frustration levels, on

the contrary.

It should be okay to be honest about your feelings, as long as you do so in a

way that is respectful to the other person. If you are hurt by something they

do, you should feel comfortable telling them so.

You should always talk about things in a timely fashion. If one or both of you

is letting issues or problems stew for a long time before finally bringing them

up (or not ever bringing them up at all), you are setting the stage for a lot of

resentment and other problems down the road. It's not a healthy way to do

things.

What Is Not Okay to Do

Really, the boundaries that you should agree to will have a lot more with what

you should avoid doing than what you should do. That is because most

couples don't have a real problem with voicing their opinions or making sure

to talk about things that are bothering them. Instead, the problem often has

to do with how those issues are talked, as well as things that should not be

said or done during the rocky times of a relationship.

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What are some things that you should avoid during drama, arguments, or

disagreements? Here are some that should be avoided for sure:

First of all, don't allow yourself to get off topic. It is really tempting sometimes

to take an argument about one thing and let it become about something

completely different, such as an issue that you had long ago or something

that the other person did recently. However, think to yourself: what is really

the problem here? Remind yourself of what exactly you set out to discuss and

do your best to stay focused.

Along those same lines, don't bring up personal stuff that has nothing to do

with the conversation. Personal attacks aren't going to help you make your

point, and they certainly won't cultivate an environment where the two of you

are going to be in the mood to compromise. Instead, it's going to lead to

both of you getting angry and going back and forth with progressively more

insulting comments. Suddenly, you'll have a whole new pile of problems to

deal with in addition to the issue that started it all, which will remain unsolved.

Sometimes, you may have to say something that will hurt the other person's

feelings no matter what. Some matters are very personal and there is no

getting around saying something that is going to get the other person upset.

However, you still need to limit it as much as you can. I'm not talking about

tip-toeing around the issue, but talking about removing unnecessary personal

attacks, name-calling, and so on.

Avoid talking to other people about sensitive arguments. While you can never

completely eliminate drama from either your life or your relationship, you can

definitely contribute to it by keying other people into the innermost workings

of your romantic relationship. Some things are very personal, and should not

be shared with anyone, particularly if you know your significant other wouldn't

want the information shared.

In other cases, maybe you'll need someone to talk to, but make sure it's

someone trustworthy. Make sure it's also someone who understands that you

aren't looking to be riled up or talked out of the relationship, but you really

just want to vent.

Today, the tendency to make relationship problems into huge drama is only

made even easier and more tempting by all the social networking we do. You

may be friends with people who take their dirty laundry and air it out on

Facebook, for instance, and perhaps you find it pretty entertaining (and who

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wouldn't?). However, you don't want to be that person, and you certainly

don't want to be that person's significant other.

Imagine going on Facebook and seeing that your partner is talking about your

private conversations and arguments to all 253 of their closest friends! Now,

as a couple you'd have to work through feelings of betrayal and worries about

being able to speak in confidence to the person who you're supposed to be

able to tell anything and everything to. Furthermore, when you read status

updates of friends who are "venting" about their relationship woes on

Facebook, does it ever make you think anything positive about them? Their

partner? Their relationship? Don't be that person.

10. What is the Grey Zone?

As we all know, things are not usually just black and white. The shades of grey

(not the ones from those famously racy books, mind you) are something else

entirely, and when talking about boundaries as a couple and individual, it can

be hard to define black and white boundaries because so many things seem

to reside in that middle ground.

For instance, like we talked about earlier, you should avoid personal attacks

during discussions or even arguments, but what about things that you simply

can't say gently? If someone has serious behavioral or lifestyle problems, for

instance- say a drinking or gambling problem- how can you address that

without putting them on the defensive? The key in such grey areas is to do

your best and know that their reaction may be very strong.

Sometimes, even though we have learned to look at ourselves before we point

the finger at our loved ones, the other person may be mostly or even wholly

responsible for a problem. In some cases, they may have been disrespectful or

completely inconsiderate, and sometimes may need some strongly-worded

things to be said to them to make them see that.

Say that one of your boundaries is that you're not going to discuss things

when you're angry. However, with some heated subjects, such as infidelity or a

divisive issue regarding how to raise your children together, you may not have

a choice. The anger is simply not going to subside in a couple of hours or a

couple of days the way it will if one of you does something that just annoys

the other one or which ultimately won't be a big deal. Also, some subjects

must be dealt with right away, even if tempers are still flaring.

When you are talking about boundaries, try to anticipate some of the grey

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areas that will likely exist once the boundaries have been set. Agree with how

you may deal with grey areas to avoid some of the confusion ahead of time,

and you will be better prepared and ultimately, better off.

11. What To Do When Boundaries Are Crossed

It also might help to discuss what you should do if one of you crosses the

boundaries. I'm not talking about agreeing on silly punishments like putting

one another in time-out or administering spankings (though that may lighten

the mood and offer some fun in the bedroom, who knows?). Instead, what it

means is that you should both know how each of you are likely to react when

the other one crosses a boundary.

You know each other better than most people do. You likely know how each

other will deal with something like one of the boundaries being crossed.

Perhaps you or your partner is more likely to get frustrated and fire back if a

line is crossed, or maybe one of you is more likely to simply shut down and

end the conversation altogether. Knowing this stuff ahead of time means that

you can plan better and deal with situations as they come.

When a boundary that you have both agreed to is crossed, the best thing to

do is to say so in plain language. Tell the other person, "Hey, we agreed not to

(get personal/shout at one another/air our dirty laundry in public)" and

hopefully that will speak for itself and the other person will realize that they

are wrong.

In some cases when tempers flare, telling the other person that they crossed a

mutually-agreed upon boundary is not going to end the problem. When you

get angry, sometimes you just want to fight, and when the other person

doesn't respond, you still may say hurtful things, continue yelling, or whatever

else. In that case, it's best to say, "If you're not going to follow the boundaries

we both agreed upon, I'm done with this conversation."

You don't have to use those exact words, but the point is to be calm and

rational and remind the other person that they agreed upon the boundaries

that they are crossing, too. That's why agreeing to the boundaries in the first

place is very important; later on, your partner can't say that they didn't know

the ground rules. In fact, they helped create them, which goes a long way

toward making someone take responsibility.

Of course, just like how a relationship itself requires effort and dedication

from both people in order to succeed, the definition of (and following of)

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boundaries that will keep your relationship strong and healthy requires

commitment from both people. Otherwise, it just isn't going to work.

12. You Have to Love the “Whole Package”

In love, it is easy to be tempted to pick and choose the things that you want

to love about your significant other. In a way, this is a natural thing. After all,

there will always be things that you really admire about others, while there will

be things that you aren't so fond of (and that maybe even drive you crazy).

Sure, it's a natural thing, but it can also lead to what I like to call “The

Frankenstein Effect”, where you start looking at your partner as a bunch of

parts, rather than a whole person. The problem is that while we are all

comprised of a bunch of parts in our own way, that this thinking makes you

want to omit parts of them that aren't so “loveable” from your affections.

The Frankenstein Effect also makes you tempted to try to “change” or “fix”

your partner, which is also a very dangerous thing to get caught up in. Like Dr.

Frankenstein himself, you start to look at your lover as a monster of sorts that

could be perfect if you could just make a few little modifications.

Let's discuss not only why you need to love the whole package, but also

discuss some strategies to ensure that you can do so successfully.

13. People Have Differences That You Need to Understand

One of the most obvious things that we all feel like we know about

relationships with other people is that other people will always be different

than ourselves in some way or another. No two people are exactly alike, and

very often you find that any two given people are extremely different, in fact.

However, even if we understand on a fundamental level that the other people

in our lives, including significant others, are different from us, accepting that

fact is a very different thing entirely.

There are two times where you really should feel concerned about the

differences between your significant other and yourself. One is when the

difference leads to behavior that is objectively wrong. If your partner is

“different” in a way that he or she doesn't respect the boundaries of a

relationship and is cheating on you constantly, that's obviously a problem.

If the difference is that your partner has a hard time telling the truth, that's a

problem. If they have a hard time following laws and staying out of trouble,

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that's a problem. If they don't respect you emotionally and are running you

down, that's a problem, too. These should all (hopefully) be obvious examples.

The other time when you should be concerned about a difference between

your partner and you is when the difference is driving a legitimate wedge

between you. Now, this one is trickier to to work out, because there is a

considerable amount of grey area involved.

Now, clearly everyone has a different breaking point or tolerance level. For

some, a simple pet peeve can be a reason to break up with another person.

However, if you are in a long-term relationship, it's safe to assume that you

are more committed than a person who would break up with their significant

other over their inability to do dishes or love of wearing socks with sandals.

One of the things that you should know, then, is when to just let a difference

remain as a difference, and when it is something that really needs to be

changed so that it doesn't endanger your relationship. In other words, how do

you identify a difference that needs to be worked on by your partner or

yourself versus one that you both just need to learn to accept?

14. Differences Aren't Always Flaws That Need to Be Changed

Aside from the obvious differences that are obviously morally or legally

wrong, deciding whether a difference is a potential "deal-breaker" is a very

important skill to have. Too many times, people believe that differences big

and small are always flaws that need to be corrected, and they automatically

think of themselves as the person who should be the one to correct them.

That's a viewpoint that is downright toxic for relationships, though, because

most differences aren't flaws at all, and certainly are not badly in need of

correction. Earlier, we talked about distinguishing between differences that

can ultimately cause serious problems and those that are merely small things

that we must learn to get over. Let's discuss that angle a little further, so that

you can begin to decide where you and your partner's differences rank.

Think about it: are the differences just a matter of preference? Do they like to

do things differently than you do, and you have little tolerance for things that

aren't done "your way"? This is an important designation to make, not only

because hounding your partner about silly differences can damage your

relationship, but also because having little tolerance for differences can cause

serious problems in not only your current relationship, but all relationships

you have yet to come (romantic or otherwise).

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One major thing that successful relationships have in common would be the

ability to compromise. Another would be the ability to be tolerant. Both of

these traits are extremely important as you look toward yourself and your

partner with a critical eye to think about whether the differences between you

and your partner are worth fighting over all of the time.

Remember that while it may make life more convenient if everybody was

exactly like you and agreed with everything that you do or say, it would also

make life mind numbingly dull. One of the things that makes both life and

love interesting is that we're not all exactly the same. Sure, sometimes

differences can be a source of annoyance or frustration, but they can also be

the source of entertainment, humor, and intrigue.

15. Learn the Importance of Acceptance

I said that tolerance is an important facet of a good relationship, and it's true.

However, while we should always tolerate harmless behaviors of significant

others as a bare minimum, we should strive for something much better-

acceptance.

Acceptance is better than tolerance in many ways. For one, to "tolerate"

something means that you are just "putting up" with it. That is usually a short-

term scenario, as nobody "puts up" with grating behavior for long. Also, when

you are merely tolerating somebody's personality, behavior, or quirks, it gives

the impression that you are doing them a favor. "I'll be nice and tolerate you

for now, don't you appreciate that?"

Loving your significant other wholly and completely shouldn't be seen as a

favor or as a charitable act. It should just be part of the relationship, period.

When you accept the differences in your partner, you don't just put up with

them, but you embrace them. It's a much better way to look at things, as it

promotes positive feelings among you, encourages that love to grow, and

sure, even banks you some Love Points, too.

Furthermore, you can rest assured that there are some things that you do that

your partner may not always be crazy about, either. Wouldn't you rather have

them accept your quirks than merely tolerate them? If you are more accepting

of your partner as a whole person, they will almost certainly show the same

acceptance to you. As we keep saying when it comes to all things relationship-

oriented, it's a two-way street.

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16. You Loved Them Initially for Everything, Not Just Parts of Them

I want to take a step back for a minute and repeat something that I said a few

paragraphs ago: "Loving your significant other wholly and completely

shouldn't be seen as a favor or as a charitable act." See those words? "Wholly

and completely."

Too often, as relationships mature (and hopefully grow) as we get to know

each other better, we stop seeing the ones that we love as whole people, but

instead as distinct parts. We often say that a person has different "sides" to

them, but is that kind of thinking accurate? Do we just use such a term to

reconcile the fact that a person who can do one thing (such as be kind and

help a stranger) can also do something completely different (be rude or

abrasive on a bad day)?

We should resist the urge to divide people into parts, and instead focus on

loving them as a whole person, warts and all. The reason that this is so

important is that when you start dividing people into parts, it becomes much

easier to give into the temptation to start accepting or rejecting specific parts

of them. It becomes very easy to get the mindset that you can "fix" the parts

of them that you don't enjoy or agree with as much, like you would do with a

car that doesn't run right.

People aren't cars, and more often than not, you will be best off taking the

person as a complete package. Accept the fact that if you continue to love

your partner, you will likely have to put up with some quirks or differences

that may annoy you or bother you. Accept the fact that these differences are

unlikely to change, and if they do, it's a bonus- not something you should

expect or be counting on.

Furthermore, getting into a relationship with someone who you think of as a

"fixer-upper" is dangerous, anyway. It can be tempting to get together with

someone and ignore a glaring or even harmful flaw that is fundamental to

their personality and who they are, hoping that you can help them change it.

Again, people sometimes do change, but you shouldn't get in a relationship

with someone if you don't appreciate who they are as a whole person at the

current moment.

I have talked at length about the merits of a deeper, long-term love vs. the

obvious benefits of the early stages of white hot passion that come in the

early days of a relationship. However, there are a lot of things that we can

learn from the "honeymoon period", which is true in this case, as well.

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What I want for you to take away from the honeymoon period on the subject

of accepting differences is that when you first got together, you likely didn't

see your significant other as a collection of parts, but as a whole person. You

loved and accepted them as a person, possibly even while knowing that there

would one day be some things about them that weren't as pleasing to you as

others.

That's what we should aspire to, and that's an important key to lasting,

healthy long-term relationships. People don't enjoy being pressured to

change, particularly when the behavior or trait that they're being pressured to

change is not a matter of right or wrong, but a simple matter of being

different. When you send a message to your partner that they need to change

and be more like you, you also send them the message that they aren't good

enough for you. That's not how you build a relationship or allow love to be

rekindled or grow.