10 weeksby jolene perry
TRANSCRIPT
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Ten Weeks
Jolene Perry & Janna Watts
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Dedication
To the boys of summers past.
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Ten W
Kay-Kay
Chapter One
Fifteen minutes into moving the archery ta
across the amphitheater and I’m beyannoyed. So far beyond annoyed that
straddling the line between pissed and po
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The ground is early morning damp, and
wheels on the target keep sticking in the
divots of grass and soil.
“What a-hole thought this was a good ideamumble, bending to give the target a shove.
“I’m the a-hole. And it is a good idea.”
I swing around. “Alex.”He doesn’t even bother to hide the sm
“Kay-Kay. What do you think you’re doing?
“Moving the archery targets so the s
children I’ll be giving bows and arrows to fofirst time in their lives don’t shoot at
bystanders walking to the dining hall.”
He walks forward and pushes me out oway. Not even a little elbow tap to ask m
step aside, a full-on push. This is a push fu
history. Alex has known me for ten years.
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picked me up the first day of camp as a nine-
old, sobbing when my mom and dad left me
four weeks of “summer fun”. He’s watched
go through the awkward fifth grade fat camstage into the awkward acne-riddled teen s
into whatever it is that I am now.
“You know me better than that. There’s
archery net.” He points to the trees along theof the amphitheater, and hidden among them
long rope with an arrow-catching net gathere
one side like a curtain.
“Oh. My bad. I woke up kinda early.”
He looks me over for a second. “Yea
figured. No bra. Might want to remedy
before classes start.”I laugh and don’t even bother crossing
arms. “We’re at an all girls’ camp. I’m not re
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over his head.
I whistle. “Holy Thor. Nice back.”
He turns around and the tiniest blush creep
his neck. Ha. Got him. He recovers with ano
snort. “Do you always say exactly what yo
thinking?”
I grin. “With you I do. You’re old enougbe my dad, but you’re hot enough for me to m
with.”
He drops the archery target with a loud thu
“Kay-Kay, you’re in charge of young girls summer. You should probably temper y
tongue.”
I wink at him. “Alex. I’m so delighted yo
interested in what my tongue is doing.
summer just ratcheted way up in possibility.”
He shakes his head and moves to drag
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arrow curtain across the edge of
amphitheater. He doesn’t even bother sa
goodbye.
“Hey,” I call out to him as he walks btoward the lake. “When’s your free hour?”
He turns back. “Third. Right before lunch.
My face cracks into a smile. “OutstandMine too. Chess?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll meet you in the counsel
lounge.”
Then he walks off. My gaze refuses to mfrom the way his T-shirt stretches across
windsurfer back. Oh dear. Old enough to be
dad doesn’t seem to be registering with
hormones. It’s going to be a long summer.
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I’ve already gotten the chessboard set
when he walks into the counselor’s lounge
wet hair and an overly tanned face. He slides
the seat across from me without a word. ClAlex. The strong, silent type. Last summer w
I was a counselor-in-training, I teased
mercilessly about being unable to keep up
girl conversation. Finally, he shut me up wilook and told me he learned early on to tune
female drama completely. Then he broke in
belly laugh that set my ovaries on fire.
“You know when your hair’s wet, you
barely see the gray,” I say as I move my
pawn. He has no gray. He looks like he’s in
early thirties.
“When your mouth’s shut, you can ba
notice the petulant teenager it’s attached to.”
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“Ouch. I’m nineteen. You’ll have to get so
new material next year.”
“I’m forty, I don’t have to do anyt
anymore.” He breaks out his bishop and tmy pawn.
“Did they tell you that at the nursing home?
He belly laughs and I squeeze my thtogether. He’s hot for an older guy, but it’s
laugh that always gets me.
“Well, lucky for you, you won’t have to w
about my material because I probably wonhere next year.”
My eyes shoot up. “What? You’re alw
here.”
He shrugs and studies the board.
“You’ve been here as long as I have.”
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“Jesus. That’s kind of pathetic.”
I kick him under the table. “Don’t say that
He looks at me with too much seriousn
My stomach curls in on itself. Nothing goo
going to come of this conversation. I feel it li
coil of suck ready to spring. “I can’t spend e
summer at an all girls’ camp.”
“Why not? You’re a teacher. What else
you going to do with your summers?”
“I’m thinking of applying for this grant. It
environmental thing. If I get it, they’ll send mCosta Rica next year. I can bring back
research to my classes.”
I have so many conflicting emotions, it’s
to figure out my next move. I want this for A
He’s a high school science teacher and
always been one of those enviro guys. But I c
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imagine a summer without him.
“What are your chances?” I ask past the l
in my throat.
“Pretty good. I know most of the board
decides the grant recipients. A few of them a
this PAC with me. They’ve been encouraging
to apply for it for the past few years.”
I stare at the board, but the pieces have go
a bit blurry. “Maybe I won’t come back
summer either.”
Half his mouth curls up. “Of course you You get paid to teach archery. You get th
nights and a day off a week. You spend all y
time in the sun. And you love this place. W
else would you do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go be a wai
somewhere.”
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He shakes his head. “No, you won’t. Th
kill part of your spirit. This camp is inside
You won’t leave until you have kids of y
own.”A flood of questions engulfs my brain. I w
to ask him all of them at once. About the g
About his life outside of camp. I want to k
why he never married. Why he doesn’t have of his own. I want to know if he’s got a girlfr
waiting for him. We’ve talked about so m
things over the years, but nothing that’s r
personal to him.
Unfortunately, the guarded expression is b
on his face, so I don’t say anything. Instea
move my knight out on to the board and letbeat me.
We play another game in silence. As soo
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his queen takes my king, he shakes his head
pushes the board to the side.
“Don’t do that,” he says.
“What?”
“Don’t let me win. You think I can’t tell w
you’re doing? I know you’re smarter than
Don’t play the dumb girl with me. It doesn’tyou and I know better.”
I cross my arms, and his eyes drop to
chest then quickly shift up again. A smile play
my lips. “I didn’t want to wipe the floor with Thought it might threaten your masculinity
eopardize my summer.”
He raises an eyebrow. “I’m pretty secur
my masculinity. I’d rather play with somewho tries. And why would your summer
eopardized?”
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I grin. “Because I’m gonna talk you into
And I don’t want to ruin my chances.”
I stand up and head for the door.
“Kay-Kay, we’re already friends. You d
have to talk me into anything.”
I waggle my eyebrows. “That’s not what
talking you into.” Then I flounce out towardarchery range before he can ask anything else
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Chapter Two
“We need to go,” Jo says, slipping onto
stool beside me.
“I haven’t even finished my second beer.
don’t have to be back at camp till midnight.”The Little Minnow Bar and Grill is pa
with the usual locals, plus a bunch of unde
counselors who spend all our nights off h
We’re in way northern Wisconsin, it’s not we have an abundance of options. And
bartenders never card.
“Sam’s further along than you are and needs rescuing.” Jo points to the corner w
Sam is pinned between the wall and one o
counselors from the guys’ camp.
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I lean over the back seat and turn the m
down. “Sam, you know I’ll always have
back. But we’ve got nine more week
summer. You may need to be a little bit mdiscerning.”
Sam laughs. “It was dark in there, and he
hot. I didn’t know he was the STD guy.”
“The hot ones are almost always the
guys,” I say.
Jo nods her head. “Truth. You might nee
lower the bar a bit here. We are in nortWisconsin.”
Sam slumps into the front seat. “Okay. N
time I’ll try to find a guy who’s missing a
front teeth.”We all laugh and then sing along to the m
at the top of our lungs. The dark silent w
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surround us and if we didn’t sing, I think we
be a little creeped out by it.
By the time we pull into the mile long c
road, Sam has sobered enough to suggestcatch a movie in the counselor’s lounge.
“Thanks, but I’m gonna stop by and tal
Alex.”
Jo shakes her head. “I’m not sure why
mess with him. He’s so reclusive. He barely
to any of us.”
I raise a shoulder. “He talks to me. And known him forever. Don’t you think he
lonely out here with all these girls?”
Sam snorts. “No. I bet he spends every n
masturbating in that tiny cabin. It’s kind of skif you ask me. What guy signs on to t
windsurfing and be maintenance and securi
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an all girls’ camp? That has pedophile writte
over it.”
Anger whips through me. “Shut up. He’s
like that. Don’t start saying stuff like that or get fired.”
Sam turns and looks at me. “Whoa. I was
kidding. Jesus. Don’t be so sensitive.”
I raise my chin. “He’s my friend. I’d de
the two of you in the same way.”
Sam shrugs and sits back. “Whatever.”
I’m not sure why I care so much what think about Alex. He doesn’t seem to. I’m
it’s not the first time that rumors of pedop
have been bandied about. But somehow, it b
the crap out of me that my best friends w
even think that about him.
They drop me off at the front of his tiny
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room cabin. I’ve only been inside one time
summer when I needed to grab some tools t
an uneven archery target.
It looks different in the dark and I actstand outside his cabin for several min
breathing deep before I knock on his door.
“Come in,” he calls.
I push open the door and he’s sitting on
bed with his legs stretched in front of him, rea
a book.
“Kay-Kay. To what do I owe the pleasureI take three steps into the tiny room and re
there are no chairs. I drop to the floor and c
my long legs beneath me. “You don’t go out?
He tilts his head. “I go out. Just not all
time. The Little Minnow doesn’t have quite
same appeal to me that it does to you all.”
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I worry my bottom lip. “You’re weird
summer.”
“We’ve been here four days. That’s hard
summer.” His brows go up and his blond falls over his forehead as he shifts to see
better.
I look him over. He’s barefoot. I’m not
why I notice this, but suddenly the room
smaller.
“You’re still weird.”
He puts his book on the floor and slinglegs to the side of the bed. “Weird how?”
“You don’t volley back.”
“What?”“I’ve been tossing out all these innuen
when we play chess and you don’t volley b
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Last summer, you volleyed back.”
He chuckles. “Ah. Hmm… I don’t kn
Guess it doesn’t feel the same.”
My gaze slides up to meet his and a pit d
into my stomach. “Did I do something wrong
“No.”
I uncross my legs and stretch them out in of me. He looks at them for a second and
both release a breath. It’s suddenly hot
awkward, and I’m not sure I should be in
small cabin.“Do you still want to be friends with me?”
He drags his hands through his hair and
from his bed. “Of course.”I stand up. He’s only a few inches taller
me but he’s built. Thick with muscles he r
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has no business having. “Okay. So I guess
go.”
He moves to the door and puts his hand on
knob. “Yeah. Probably a good idea.”
“Do the walk with me tomorrow,” I say
rush.
“What?”“I’m doing the fifty-mile walk with a bunc
campers. Two miles a day for twenty-five d
Come with me tomorrow.”
He shakes his head. “Not the best idea.”
“Why not?” I put my hands on my hip
know what he’s going to say before he
does, but I force it out of him anyway.“Because people will say stuff if they see
with you. That’s how rumors start. You d
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want to get mixed up with that.” He swings
door open, and part of me feels like he’s igno
the obvious, or at the very least dismissing w
want to talk about.I lift my chin. “I don’t give a shit about an
that. You’re my friend and I want you to tak
walk with me. So come.”
He shakes his head. “You’re stubborn. A
you don’t get it.”
“No.” I step toward him. “I get it. I just d
care. I’m nineteen. I can be friends with whoI want.”
He lifts his hand and for a second, I think
going to touch my face, but then he drops it
sighs. “You’re still such a girl.”
“Fuck off. I won’t let anyone tell me who
and can’t be in my life. I had enough of th
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high school. I’m an adult. Meet me on the wa
He shakes his head again and doesn’t
anything. I glare at him and stomp out of
cabin. Stupid Alex. Stupid rumors. Stupid mewanting them to be a little true.
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Chapter Three
I’m lacing up my shoes at way too
o’clock in the morning when I’m nudged
behind.
Alex.He came. With a goofy grin and a ridicu
hat and hiking shoes on. Hiking shoes for a
mile walk.
“You’re overdressed,” I say.
He eyes my tank top and runner sh
“You’re underdressed.”
I wink. “Hoping I might get lucky.”He shifts his eyes to the gaggle of cam
behind me. “Careful, Kay-Kay.”
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I shrug. What are they gonna do? Fire
They barely pay me anything to sleep in a c
for nine weeks with six ten-year olds and t
archery five hours a day. Good luck findingreplacement.
“Are you ready, girls?” I call out. I mov
the parking lot at the bottom of the hill.
exactly two miles from this spot to the end ocamp road and back. Jo’s gonna be at the b
of the group so if any of you get tired, just h
with her and you can loop back with those o
in the front.”
Jo’s in her Women Who Run Rule The W
tee and I can tell she’s pissed that she has to
the tail end of the group. I don’t care. If AlexI lead, we’ll get to have a real conversation.
girls won’t be able to keep up with us.
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I strap on the first aid pack and start the
up the hill. Alex is next to me and within
minutes, the girls have fallen behind. I slow
pace.“How come you changed your mind?”
He shrugs. “Sounded like you could use
help.”
“That’s not why you came.”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares thro
the trees tunneling the camp road. Finally
nudges me with his elbow and asks, “Were serious about maybe not coming back
year?”
“Were you?”
He grins and a part of me wants to drag hi
the woods and straddle him. This is bad. I k
this is bad, but the thought is already in my b
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There’s nothing I can do about it now.
“Yeah. I’ve about outgrown girls’ camp.”
“How come you started in the first place?”
I’ve always wondered this. He and I sta
the same year. I remember one night when I
so homesick for my mom and dad and my
thought I might run away, he took me in a ridhis golf cart and told me he missed home too
was thirty then. Seemed so old and wise.
next day, he left me a whittled wooden cat on
bunk. He never said anything about it. Nedid I. But I still have it.
He clears his throat and looks behind us.
campers are still at least fifty feet back. “I d
want to be alone that summer. Or any sumreally. They needed help. Seemed like as go
place as any to work.”
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“Huh.”
There’s more to this, but Alex isn’t exactly
most forthcoming guy. I’ve known him
enough to realize the other parts of his storytrickle out on his time frame, not mine.
“I might get my teaching certificate af
major in English,” I say because I don’t k
any other way to keep him talking.
“Yeah. You’d be a good teacher. I mea
you can gain control of that mouth.”
I grin. “I think you like my mouth just fine.”He grunts and I bump into him. He bump
back, and I both love and hate the butte
fluttering around my stomach. When he’s ne
me, it’s everything. But when I’m in my cabi
with the girls, all I can think is: He’s twice y
age, plus two. I am so far out of my league
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that I can’t stop myself from blowing him
overdramatic kiss.
“You like him,” Jo says when we’re wal
back up to the dining hall on our waybreakfast.
“He’s a good friend.”
“No,” she says. “Last year he was a gfriend. This year you’re different about him.”
I shrug. “He’s too old for me.”
“Yeah, he is. It’s not gonna stop you thou
huh?”
I shake my head and grin. “Probably not.”
“This isn’t a daddy replacement, is it?”
cocks a brow, but the gesture doesn’t sit withlight red hair, round face and freckles. She’s
Holly Hobby in person—with bigger mu
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because the girl can run.
“Ew, no. Don’t be gross.”
Jo flips her braid over her shoulder. “I’m
saying. Your dad marries a woman who basic
insists he cut you and your sister off. Your m
starts dating her boss who is seventeen y
older than her. Freud would have a field day
this whole situation.”
“He doesn’t look like he’s forty.”
Jo nods. “True. But it doesn’t change the
that he is forty.”She’s right, of course. I know better, b
doesn’t stop me from accidentally on pur
following him when he buses his tray in the d
hall. Or asking him if he wants to give m
windsurfing lesson during our free hour instea
playing chess.
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Jo catches me again on the way back to
cabin. “Kay-Kay, watch yourself. This can
end in a big mess.”
I nod and return with my campers to my caI throw on my archery clothes over a bikini
as I head down to my first class, all I can he
the beating of my heart in tandem with my s
And a whisper in the back of my brain: AAlex. Alex.
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Chapter Four
It takes four hundred years for my free ho
come. It’s possible I’ve let young girls shoo
small game for all that I can remember of
classes. I’m out of my clothes and knee deethe water before Alex sees me.
His eyes bug out and he quickly drops
sunglasses down from the top of his head, bu
too late. I’ve seen him see me. Every arrow shot all year and every mile I’ve run is sudd
completely worth it. I undo my dark hair from
braid and shake it out. Now, I’m just fuc
with him and he knows it.“Come on, beauty queen, let’s get you on
board,” he says.
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I dive under the water and come up nex
him. He slides his hands around my hips
hoists me onto the board.
“You need to work on your balance first,says from the water beside me.
“I have excellent balance. I’m an arc
We’re all about balance.” Before I can
anything else, he jostles the board and I tum
off.
“Asshole, what are you doing?”
He laughs and my heart stutters. The friclaugh. Jesus.
“I’m testing your balance. Now get back
there.”
I shimmy on to the board, but it’s much
graceful without his hands helping me up. I sl
stand and have to take a minute to adjust
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bikini top. I smirk at him. “Quit checking me
There are young children present.”
He shakes his head. “Perhaps you sh
wear something more appropriate next time.”
“Then what would you have to think a
when you went to bed at night?”
“Kay-Kay.”I stick my tongue out. “You fucking love
I’m charming. Now teach me how to surf alr
before my nipples start showing the chang
temperature.”“You’re incorrigible.”
He slides on the board behind me and slo
stands up. We adjust ourselves so w
balanced and the board doesn’t wobble with
shifts.
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“Okay,” he says, leaning over to grab the
rope, “slowly pull this up until you can grab
of the sail.”
I tug and four seconds later I’m back inwater.
“All of you kids are so impatient.”
“Oh really, grandpa, how can you even with us?” I slide back on the board and
closer to him. I feel the heat of him agains
back, and I want to lean into him so much, I
taste it.We both don’t say anything for too long
feels it too and I’m wondering what his
move will be. My eyes scan the beach and I
a bunch of campers at swim lessons. The guare all either in the lake teaching or scanning
water where the classes are. Jo’s staring at
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way too hard, so I don’t even pause when
eyes meet. She’s too far away to know
actually see her or not. I think.
I look over my shoulder and see our cdirector Irene peeking out at Alex and me f
her tiny office. I wave and this time Alex fall
He comes up sputtering.
“Can you keep your flailing under con
Kay-Kay?”
He slides up behind me and grabs the
again. This time he guides my hand with histogether we pull the sail up. I grasp the bar
the board starts to move. I almost can’t be
it. I laugh and Alex moves closer to me as
hands grip the bar outside of mine. We’re saand it’s crazy and amazing and I love e
second of it.
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“Head us back to the shore,” he says
we’ve been up for a few minutes.
“Why? This is so much fun. I wish I could
here forever.” I can’t help myself, I wigglebutt closer to him. Closer to… oops.
“Yeah. I’ve had about all I can take.”
umps off the board and swims the rest of
way to shore.
By the time I’ve navigated back onto
beach, he’s standing with my towel open
looking out at the campers swimming. I wraptowel around me and tilt my head.
“Aw, Alex, you can look away but that’s
gonna work. Damage has already been done
see you later.”
Then I grab my clothes and move to
bathrooms near the dining hall. I lock myself
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a stall and try to gain control of my er
heartbeat. I lean my head against the side
and thump it a few times. I’m so very,
screwed.
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Chapter Five
It’s so hot they’ve cancelled all my classes
the campers are in the lake for free swim.
water activities are planned for today. I prac
shooting arrows for a few minutes, but my T-is completely soaked through with sweat.
Alex is giving a lesson on the windsu
board without the sail. He’s helping cam
practice their balance. Apparently, they havdo this for a long time before he actually lets t
use the sail. I must have been lucky. My clo
are already off and I’m up to my waist in
water in my bikini before I hear my name cover the camp PA.
“Kay-Kay Benson to the office, please. K
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Kay Benson to the office.”
Alex looks up and watches as I retreat b
to the shore. I throw my damp T-shirt on
make my way slowly up the hill to Irene’s off
“Have a seat,” she says and points to the c
opposite her desk. For some reason, this w
thing feels like a trip to the principal’s office.
She takes a drag off a cigarette, and I try
to fan the smoke from my face. Irene is eig
married to an old guy who doesn’t recognize
anymore, and smokes like a chimney. wrinkles around her mouth are puckered
the constant pursing around her cancer stick
whatever, she’s old and runs a camp for gir
can’t imagine she’s got that many vices.“Kay-Kay, honey, I think you’re spending
much time with Alex.”
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My mouth drops open. “Excuse me?”
She takes another drag then stubs out the h
smoked cigarette and lights another. “I’ve
the two of you together, and I think yospending too much time with him. You’re gi
the campers the wrong idea.”
“We’re friends.”
“I understand that, but our camp is a
making ladies out of girls. And some of our
are confused by the message that you’re sen
when you spend time with Alex.”I blink. So, I didn’t really see this one com
I guess I should have, but what the hell
Irene care who I spend time with? She shoul
happy Alex isn’t leering at the girls.
“I’m not sure what to say, Irene.”
She squints at me through her thick gla
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“Alex is a great deal older than you, dear.
you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Um, you mean being friends with him?”
Her lips curl inward around her cigarette.
not sure this is the best summer for him t
making new friends.”
Whoa. Irene knows something. I want to I should ask, but she won’t tell me crap.
weaseling it out of Alex will be a small miracl
I release a breath. “Okay. I hear what yo
saying. I’ll try to spend less time with Alefront of the girls.”
I stand up and leave her office before she
say anything else. Before she can fire me o
me I shouldn’t spend time with him at all. My
flops seem too loud on the stairs down from
office. Alex meets me at the base of the hill.
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“Everything okay?”
I shake my head and peer back at the of
“I’ll stop by later tonight,” I mumble then flip
past him and back up to my cabin.
“You’re really bailing on us?” Sam asks as
applies a second later of mascara. Two laye
go to the Little Minnow. I sorta love Sam.
“Yeah. I gotta talk to Alex. It’s sort
important.”Jo is sitting on the sink beside us. No mak
ust fresh-faced and beautiful. “Do you wann
us why Irene called you in today?”
“Not really. I need to talk to Alex abo
first.”
Jo looks at me with her big eyes and b
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too fast. She’s so fucking pragmatic. I wan
get her wasted at least once—just to see w
she’s actually like, because I don’t think she
says or does something she doesn’t mean to.Sam drops her mascara. “Did Irene find yo
bed with him?”
I laugh, relieved I have an excuse to tal
Sam instead of Jo. “God, no. That’d be
horrifying, I would’ve already left camp. Can
imagine the expression on her face?”
Sam shrugs. “Whatevs. If he was on she’d probably love it. He’s got a hell of an a
He does have a hell of an ass, but I don’t w
Sam looking at it. Not that I have any claim
his ass, but I’ve got more of one than she doeJo is blushing so hard she looks like a tom
“Sam, clean it up. There are innoc
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present.”
Jo blushes even more. “I’m not that innoce
I raise an eyebrow. “Really? Did I
something?”
Sam smirks. “You miss everything. Didn’t
see the way she was looking at the bartend
the Little Minnow two nights ago? She practineeded a bucket to contain the drool.”
Tiny beads of sweat are popping up on
forehead.
“Christ, give the poor girl a break. Look flustered she’s getting,” I say to Sam. “Tho
any guy that makes her realize there are m
men than Safety-Jeff out there is a win.”
Sam laughs and goes back to her mas
“Poor Jo.”
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“So I’ll meet up with you guys tomo
morning, okay? For the walk?”
Sam shakes her head. “Hell no, I’m
waking up an hour early for a frickin’ camwalk. Screw that noise.”
“You have to come. Alex can’t do it anym
and we need you.” I bat my puppy dog ey
her and she flips me off.
Jo shrugs. “Guess we’ll have to d
ourselves. How come Alex can’t do it anymo
I bite my bottom lip. “It’s complicated. I’lyou on the walk tomorrow.” I look at Sam
you were coming, I’d tell you too. You’ll
have to find out later.”
Sam drops her mascara into her bag
applies a layer of lipstick. “Guess so. I’m
waking up early, even for good gossip. This
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needs its beauty sleep.”
I mouth the words “hang over” to Jo and
smiles. Sam ignores both of us. I squeeze
their hands. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t
Sam says. “But feel free to confirm the statu
his ass.”
I snort and walk out the bathroom door.
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Chapter Six
I knock on Alex’s cabin door, and he swin
open like he’s been expecting me.
“Are you in trouble?” he asks before I
even settle myself on the edge of his bed.“No. Not really. She doesn’t want
spending time with you in front of the camper
He releases a breath and pulls his h
through his hair. “Oh. Well. I guess that’s not
big of a deal.”
“Yes, it is. It sucks. I should be able to h
out with whoever I want.”Alex sits down beside me. “You’re no
camper anymore, Kay-Kay. Those girls look
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back and when I finally do, Alex’s gaze is zer
in on my mouth. I lick my lips and it’s like we
both hear the crackle of energy in the room.
I cough. “Yeah. Pretty much. She suggested this summer might not be the best
for you to make any new ‘friends’.”
He flinches and then all the emotion leave
face like a curtain shutting at the end of a sh
“Oh. She’s probably right.”
I inch closer. “Why would she say that?”
Alex’s gaze darts around the room. He stand crosses to the map of Wisconsin he
pinned on one of his walls. “I don’t know,
says with his back to me. “Irene’s old. Who
say what makes her tick?”
And this is the shut down. I’ve gotten so
to it that it almost doesn’t hurt anymore.
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that’s how it’s gonna be? Okay, then. I’m go
take off. I’ll see you. Maybe.”
I’m two feet from the door when he calls
back. “Don’t go, Kay-Kay. I don’t want yogo.”
I turn back around. “Are you gonna tell
why she said that?”
He shakes his head. “It’s a long story. A
really not something I want to talk about. B
still want you to stay.”
I drop my hands to my hips. “I gotta tell I’m not exactly buying you as a great frien
this moment. I mean really, you should be ab
tell your friends anything. And Christ knows
not gonna judge you for anything. I’m theperson to be throwing stones. But for this t
real. For us to be real, you’re gonna have t
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me in.”
“You’re nineteen, Kay-Kay. Even if you co
understand, why should you have to?”
“Because, Alex, I’m your fucking friend
maybe I want to understand.”
“Please,” he says and I feel like his voic
about to crack. “Please. Stay. Tonight. Cotalk to me about stupid things and make me l
and be Kay-Kay. I’ll tell you all the hard
later. But not tonight. Not now. Please. Be
Kay-Kay I need.”It’s like he’s hooked me on a line and I c
move. I’m pulled into him. Pulled into what
he wants. I know better. I know I should p
and make him talk to me. Make him everything so we can get past all his guarded
and into something bigger. But I can’t say no
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So I sit on the edge of his bed and tell
stories of my first year of college and the st
shit we did in the dorms. And I pretend that
giant pink elephant belongs in the room with u
The next morning feels like I’m hung o
Like I’ve had too much emotional whiskey acan’t get my head on straight. I have no
when the game changed with Alex, but
certain it has.
I’m sitting in the amphitheater, changing str
on some of the bows when Alex walks up
eyes my shirt and shakes his head.
“Go change.”I blink. “Excuse me?”
“Go change your shirt.”
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I look down. I’m wearing my scarlet A
choice T-shirt. I picked it up at the March
Women’s Lives rally in Washington D.C. ea
this spring.“Fuck off, I’m not changing my shirt.”
Alex squats down on the ground next to
His muscular thighs strain against his shorts
for a second I’m too distracted to be pissed.
then I shake off my overactive imagination
glare at him.
“Kay-Kay, does everything have to be a with you?”
I raise my chin. “Why should I have to squ
my beliefs because it makes pe
uncomfortable?”
He lets out a sigh. “Because we have a l
Catholic campers here. You know
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Sometimes slamming your beliefs in the fac
others isn’t the best way to get your point ac
Especially with young girls.”
Heat creeps into my cheeks. I hate that hemake me feel shame. I hate that three sente
from him makes all my convictions se
ridiculous and immature.
My head drops and I don’t say anything. A
lets the silence sit between us for a minute be
he finally tilts my chin up with his fingers.
“I love that you feel so strongly about thYou’re young. You should. But everyth
doesn’t always have to be a big statement. Yo
make more of an impact in these girls’ live
ust modeling what it means to be a good perWithout all the political stuff. And Kay-Kay,
are a good person.”
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His fingers trace along the side of my jaw
second and I close my eyes. I love the rough
of his hands. I’ve always loved them from
very first time he took my small nine-yearhand and walked with me to the dining hall on
second day of camp.
The deep blush of shame hasn’t gone aw
rise and walk back to my cabin without saanything else to Alex. I take off my shirt and
on a basic blue one with a picture of Little M
Sunshine on the front.
By the time I get back to the amphithe
he’s already in the water with his first lesson.
girls are standing at the shoot line, waiting for
ot one of them says anything about my shirt
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used to my evasions. Mostly, they let me ste
a booth at the Little Minnow and go find o
people to talk to.
I’m on my way back up to my cabin dinner one night when Alex pulls up in a c
golf cart.
“I need you to help with the arrow net,
says.
I look at my co-counselor and shrug. “I’
back in a little bit.”
She nods. “Okay. I’ll get the girls readyevening activity.”
I hop into the golf cart, and Alex takes of
fast that I slide against him before I can ge
bearings.
“In a hurry?” I ask and push off him tow
the opposite edge of the golf cart.
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“How come you haven’t stopped by?”
He doesn’t even bother to look at me,
takes us up a hill that is nowhere near the arc
range. A hill that leads to a small cleaoverlooking the lake. A clearing that no one
see. He stops the golf cart and stares in fron
him.
I cross my arms. “How come you hav
asked?”
He turns to me, and I see now that
seriously pissed. “Are we playing a game?”Yes. “No.”
“Are you my friend?” he asks and searche
face.
I swallow down a lump of want and nod
head. “Of course.”
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“Then stop by. You don’t need to be ask
Since when have you ever waited for an invit
from me?”
“Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? I mean rewhy is this always on me? Why do I have to
to be friends with you? When will you fuc
claim me already?”
He blinks. “Is that what you think? Is that w
you need from me?”
“Of course. I mean, seriously. I’ve b
driving this train from the very start. At one pI’m gonna get tired of the pursuit and say fu
all, he doesn’t really want me.”
I’ve said it. I’ve said it and both of us k
now that I’m talking about something else. I’ve changed the definition of friends in m
babble, and we’re now at the place w
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everything is about subtext.
He grabs my hand and sandwiches it betw
his. “There’s a very big difference between
and want. Do not ever think there’s not wanme. Jesus, you know there is. I can’t take
eyes off of you. But I can’t have you. Fo
many reasons, I can’t.”
The ache is eating me alive. I want to c
into his lap and cling to him until he finally g
in. He releases my hands and grips the ste
wheel. The pulse point at his neck is poundiwant to put my mouth on it. I want to taste
saltyness. I want to fall into him and never c
out. Instead, I shift to the edge of the golf car
“I don’t think I can stop by and see you.”It’s a brutal truth. My insides clench in pro
but my head knows it’s the right thing. H
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become the worse kind of bad habit, and w
at an impasse.
“That’s it? All or nothing? God, that’s suc
childish response. I expected more from you
Fury hits me like a tsunami. I jump out o
golf cart and kick it. “Shut up. Stop expectin
much. I’m nineteen and anyways, what is it
you want from me? You want me to sit in y
little cabin and tell you stories and pretend
it’s okay that you don’t give me anything
yourself? You want me to suffer through the of wanting you, and then just walk away like
fine that my brain can’t think of anything
kissing you and licking you and making
moan. Well, fuck that. You might be a masocbut I’m not. I can’t be your friend. I don’t ha
in me.”
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I’m stomping down the hill, waiting for him
come after me, waiting for him to start the
cart and say he’s in. But of course, he doe
come. I laid myself bare and he’s got nothinsay about it.
By the time I get back to the cabin, I’m
mad I can’t even speak to the girls. Angry t
spill from the corners of my eyes, but I just bthem away. I’ve had enough. We’re five w
into the summer, and I can’t stand myself at
point.
I tell my co-counselor to do the eve
activity without me, and I go down to the arc
range. I throw on my arm guard and mea
myself fifty feet from the target. Then I shooting arrows. I go through at least
hundred of them before my arm is quiverin
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badly I can barely hold the bow up. It’s too
to be shooting, but I don’t know what else t
with myself. In the distance, I hear the soun
the golf cart and the anger hits me all over agaI gather all my equipment and put it in
archery shed. Then I head back to my cabin
crawl into my bunk. My pillow is damp w
minutes, but I’m hoping the girls don’t noI’ve become the worst kind of a bad exam
cliché. I’m crying over a man. And the har
part is, half of me is still hoping he’ll chang
mind.
The next morning Sam is with Jo at the mile walk starting point. I raise an eyebrow
she rolls her eyes. As soon as the campers
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huddling together in groups, the two of them
up to meet me.
“So this is what we call an intervention,”
starts. “I saw you at the archery range last nand I think this has gone far enough.”
“He doesn’t want me,” I choke out.
“He’s forty. Of course he wants you. Younineteen and hot. Plus, you’re smart and to
his kind of girl.”
A bubble is forming at the back of my th
The doubt bubble. The one I've been suffocon for the last twenty-four hours. “How do
know?”
Jo huffs. “Kay-Kay, you’ve always been
kind of girl. From the time you were fifDidn’t you notice? You’d be the one helping
start the campfire with two sticks. You’d be
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one agreeing with him about the impact of f
fuels on the climate. You’d be the one takin
the campers with him on a five-mile n
scavenger hunt.”I pause. “You guys would’ve done that too
Sam scoffs. “Hell no, I wouldn’t. It’s
enough for me to teach these girls some b
dance moves. I hate nature. I just come to c
to get away from my life.”
“Yeah. And even though I kinda like that s
I don’t live it. Not the way you and AlexGod, how could you have possibly missed
incredibly proud he’s always been of you?”
I bite my lip. “Doesn’t really matter, tho
He still doesn’t want me.”
Sam stops and takes a deep breath. “Hus
with all that. He wants you, he just knows
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too old for you. Trust me, I’ve watched him
summer. He’s looking at you with way more
pride.”
“So? He’s not going to do anything about
“Of course he’s not,” Sam says. “He alre
feels like a perv. He’s known you since you w
nine. If he makes a move, he’ll feel even w
about himself. It’s hard enough that the poor
has a permanent woody when you’re around
Jo grumbles. “Sam’s right. I mean I wou
exactly put it that way, but if you really want this needs to be on you. He’s not going to
anything about how he feels.”
“But I put it all at there. I told him I wa
him. What else can I do?”
Sam laughs. “Go to his cabin and jump on
If he turns you down, then that’s it. End of st
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But I’m telling you right now, he’s not gonna
you down. Not with that body of yours.”
I bite my lip. “I don’t just want to sleep
him.”
Jo squeezes my hand. “We know, ho
That’s why we’re doing the intervention. Y
know what you want. It doesn’t matter w
anyone else thinks. Now you just need
convince him of the same thing.”
“You don’t think it’s anti-feminist?”
Sam shakes her head. “Look, the definition of feminism is equality. Women ge
equal opportunity to live the lives they want. Y
know what you want. You’re not losing you
in this guy, you’re losing yourself in your insecurity. Go get ‘em. Own the shit out of
relationship. Fuck all the doubters.”
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Jo laughs. “Um, yeah, what Sam said.”
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“Into town.”
“Oh.”
And now I’m the asshole. Because I told h
wasn’t going to come see him, and here I stan
a short skirt and slightly small top and stra
wedge sandals and lip gloss. It’s easily a 9.
the mortification scale.
“I thought you weren’t…” he starts.
“Yeah,” I say. “I wasn’t. Sorry. My bad
see you later.”
I swivel and teeter on my ridiculous strwedge sandals and try super hard not to to
my face and instead just let the tears fall unt
leaves.
“Kay-Kay,” he calls.
I don’t turn around, but I stop walk
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“Yeah?”
“I’ve got to see a friend in the hospital. Vis
hours end at nine. Did you… you could
along with me if you wanted.”
A block of ice settles in my stomach. Bec
it feels like whatever my answer is going to b
huge. And I can’t decide if saying yes, I wan
come is really the right thing. Because it’s so
beyond sleeping with him and still so f
planted in the friend territory. I’m a mes
emotions.I turn slowly and his mouth drops.
“Yes,” I say, brushing away tears. “Ye
want to come with you.”
He takes three steps forward to meet metraces his fingers beneath my eyelashes. “D
cry, beautiful. This will pass.”
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Then he takes my hand and walks with m
the parking lot. Most of the campers ar
evening activity, but some of the other counse
are heading out. They see his hand in mGlances are exchanged, but he doesn’t rel
me. And just like that, the ice melts into a po
warmth. Because no matter what else happ
Alex, in his own way, has now claimed me.
The drive to the hospital is eerily quiet. I w
to ask him who we’re seeing. I want to ask
what’s wrong with the person. I want to ask
why he held on to my hand when a week ag
would’ve dropped it. But instead, I stare ou
window and watch the pine trees pass by.
My wedge sandals squeak on the hospital
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choice. Not that I imagined my evening endin
a hospital. I cross and uncross my legs as I
at a CPR poster on the wall.
“What are you doing here?” a voice brthrough my haze. Irene.
“I’m…um…waiting for Alex.”
Her mouth turns down, and she pats pockets like she’s looking for a cigarette. “
came here with Alex?”
“Yeah. It’s my night off.”
“I gathered that.” Her gaze moves over mdisapproval. Every inch of flesh showing is li
black mark on my future at the camp. “We
you’ll excuse me.”
She shuffles past me and I call out, “Ire
She looks up. “Are you okay? I mean…are
here to see someone?” Irene has always
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formidable and terrifying. I can’t imagine anyt
actually ever being wrong with her.
“Of course. I’m here to see my daug
Same as Alex.”
She turns around and shuffles the rest of
way down the hall to the room Alex is in. H
coming out as she’s entering. His gaze zeroe
on me before he mumbles a few words to Ire
My brain is flooded with questions. How
Alex know Irene’s daughter? How come non
us knew she had a daughter? I’ve been atcamp for ten years. Surely, I would’ve ca
wind of this.
Alex walks down the hall toward me. Slo
now. Like he’s carrying a huge pack on his bHe stops in front of me and holds out his ha
take it and let him pull me up.
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“I guess you have some questions,” he say
he leads me out of the building.
“Yeah. A few.”
“All right. But can we wait until we get bac
camp for me to answer them?”
I nod. “Are you okay?”
He stares at me, and his eyes glisten unshed tears. “It’s hard to say goodbye.”
The ride back to camp is even worse. mind is racing with questions and
peacefulness of the drive is overcome by
obvious heartsickness of Alex. He turns on
radio and listens to a couple of guys talk a
hunting, then switches it off. His gaze wande
my face a few times, but as soon as I look at
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in question, he shakes his head and l
forward again.
He parks his truck and rounds the hood to
side. He opens the door before I can getbearings, before I can brace myself for
rawness of his face. He takes my hand and p
me out into the cool night and then steers us b
to his cabin.
When the door shuts behind him, he rele
such a long sigh that it sounds more like
beginning of a sob. I search the small wrinalong the edge of his eyes. Laugh lines. Th
now they’re more like sorrow lines, etching in
face a lifetime of pain that I have no idea abo
“Robin. Irene’s daughter. She’s dyCervical cancer.”
“I didn’t realize Irene had a daughter. I m
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bet.”
“How long were you married?”
“A few years. In my mid-twenties. We w
both young. Stupid. Just out of college.
didn’t really know each other that well.
didn’t really know ourselves that well.”
I nod because at this point, I don’t know welse to do. I’ve been blindsided and the mou
of history that is tumbling over me is maki
difficult to breathe.
“So then one day about three years intomarriage, she takes off. No note. No noth
Like she just decided she didn’t want to live
life anymore. A few months later, after searc
for too long, I get divorce papers in the mIrene and George knew she’d disappeared. T
hadn’t heard from her either. It was like
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became a nomad or something. Eight mo
after, my first summer living by myself wit
Robin, Irene offers me the job at camp. I thi
was her way of apologizing for her daughmess.”
He takes my hand and laces his fingers thr
it. I can’t seem to hear anything. Robin was
ex-wife keeps zinging around my head, echlouder than any of his other words.
“So she’s dying and wants to reconnect?”
He nods and squeezes my hand, then trcircles on my palm.
“Did you love her?” I ask and my v
sounds so tiny that I can’t imagine he sees m
anything other than a little girl with a crush.
“I thought I did. I don’t know. I was yo
Love when you’re young looks different
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voice almost stops me.
I turn to him and shrug. “I’m only nine
You’ve made your position clear. But I can’
what you think you need tonight. I can be friend. But I can’t be anything else. You thin
don’t love in the same way you do? That I’m
young to understand? I love you so much
giving you exactly what you need right nownight that you won’t wake up regretting.”
And with my heart sliced into tiny pieces
scattering at my feet, I walk out the door.
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Chapter Nine
Three days. Seventy-two hours.
thousand three hundred and twenty min
That’s how long it’s been since I left Alex. S
I said the L word then walked out. And nowSunday and I have the entire day off. Sam an
have switched their days so they can go u
Bayswater for some festival I have no intere
seeing. So I’m on my own. I stare at my laubag in the back of the camp wagon headin
town. I have a whole day off and I’m d
laundry. I’ve reached a new low.
I slide into the passenger seat of the waand wait for whoever is dropping me off in t
to show up. This is one of the only perks of b
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car-less at camp. Someone will drop you off
pick you up on your days and nights off. I
built in designated driver, and when Jo
around to drive home from the Little Minnowsort of a godsend.
I prop my feet on the dash board and stare
the window. The door opposite me swings op
“Buckle up.”
Alex. Of course. FML.
“You’re the driver? Since when? You h
driving counselors into town.”He grins and a piece of my heart crack
and drops on to the crappy vinyl seat. “H
you were going to be the passenger s
volunteered.”
“Huh.”
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So we’re friends again? Maybe. Do I
want that?
He reaches across me and grabs the seat
His hand brushes against my thigh as he clickbuckle into place and a warm puddle of w
moves from my belly downward. Nope. Fri
isn’t going to be an option.
I inch back, pressing myself against the d
He starts the car and switches the radio
Some sort of twangy country western thin
hate Northern Wisconsin radio stations.He taps his hands along the steering wheel
pulls out onto the camp road.
Four minutes into the silence, he takes a
on to the main highway.
“Laundromat is that way. You know, tow
town.”
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“You can do your laundry later. I thou
we’d do something else.”
“We?”
He nods and continues tapping on the ste
wheel. “Yep.”
I need to get my head in the game. My
keeps wandering between his tan legs and sthands. “How’s Robin?”
His mouth dips into a frown. “They’re tal
about moving her to hospice. Irene is again
but I think it would be best for her.”“What does Robin think?”
He shrugs. “She doesn’t really weigh in. S
on a lot of morphine. She’s not really awakeIrene’s call at this point.”
“Hmm… Well, I guess she’d know wh
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best.”
We drive a few more miles in the opp
direction of civilization before I can’t overrid
curiosity any longer. “Where are you taking m
“It’s not far now.”
That’s it. I’m being held hostage by the
I’ve been thinking about since practically theday of camp, maybe even before that, and I’
full-on panic mode. I don’t know how to be
him. My usual banter won’t work because
almost exclusively based in innuendo and ship has sort of sailed.
He reaches out and pats my leg. “Relax, K
Kay. It’s going to be fine.”
I’m not sure what he means by fine beccurrently my leg is on fire from where he tou
me, and I am four seconds from grabbing
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steering wheel, heading into the trees,
tackling him.
Oh dear.
A few minutes later, he pulls into a tiny par
lot beside a boat dock. I blink. He opens
door and pulls a waterproof picnic basket
beneath a blanket in the backseat. So not w
was expecting.
He comes to my side of the station wagon
grabs me by the hand. “My canoe is over her
I walk behind him to the dock and sbeached canoe tilted over on the shore. He
it right side up and grabs the two pad
beneath it.
“You were planning this for awhile, huh
ask.
“The past three days.”
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“Oh.”
He hands me the paddle and pulls the bo
the edge of the water. He drops the picnic ba
in the middle and points to the bow. “Well, in.”
I slide off my shoes and stow them next to
picnic basket. Then I hop in the front of
canoe and look back at him. He’s staring at
so hard that my pulse speeds up. “Are
okay?”
“Yep. Just admiring the view.”Okay, then. I am so screwed.
I open my mouth to volley back, but I’ve
nothing. Literally. My throat is dry and I c
think of one thing to say. He chuckles and pu
the canoe off the shore, hopping into the ste
the last second.
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We paddle to the center of the lake and
points out a family of loons. Then we get
discussion about the impact of motorized b
on the ecosystem of the lake. And for a secit’s good and we’re like we’ve always been. A
I think maybe all of the subtext of this
summer will fade away. He steers us towa
small island and helps me out of the canoe. way his fingers skim my hips makes my b
catch. He lets his hands linger too long and by
time he’s setting the basket on the ground, I’m
warm and flustered I can’t speak.
“Why are you doing this?” I whisper.
He looks right into my eyes, and I can’t
my gaze away. “Because you’re worth it.”Three steps. It takes three steps for him to
to me. To stand in front of me raw with e
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emotion on his face. My breath comes in sha
gasps and my brain is too crowded with al
wanting.
He releases a shaky breath of his own cups my face in his rough hands. “Can I?”
I bite my lip and nod. Then his mout
covering mine and I open for him and suck on
tongue, and he tastes like all the deliciousne
summer in one incredibly sexy package.
He lifts me and my legs wrap around him
whimpering because it’s not enough. His misn’t enough. It’s been too long with too m
ache, and now I want all of him. He lowers
down and presses himself on top of me. And
when I finally feel his hardness and arch uphim, he drags his mouth away and looks at m
“Kay-Kay,” he says in between breaths. “
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you sure this is what you want?”
I nod. “Are you?”
“God yes. From the moment I saw you
summer. I can’t stay away. You’ve got me.
whatever you want. For however long.
yours.”
I tug his head down and slide my hands upback of his shirt. “I want all of it,” I wh
before kissing him, deep and hard with al
things I’ve been feeling for the past seven we
Then everything in my brain fades asbecome a tangle of arms and legs and clo
and sweat and all the questions seem to have
same answer: yes, yes, yes.
I can’t stop touching my face on the
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home. It’s covered in razor burn. Only
biggest fool wouldn’t know what I’ve been u
Alex keeps staring at me like I’m some so
endangered animal, and I finally turn to him.“What?”
“Why do you want me?”
“What?”“Why did you choose me at the beginnin
the summer? There’s lots of counselors at
boys’ camp. You’re gorgeous. You co
probably have your pick.”My face breaks into a huge grin. “You t
I’m gorgeous?”
“I’ve told you so from the beginning.”“Yeah, but it’s still nice to hear after you
seen all of me.” I can’t hide my blush so I loo
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my hands in my lap.
He chuckles. “Yeah. I’d say you’re even m
gorgeous now.”
“Thanks.”
“So. Why did you pick me?”
“I like you. I’ve always liked you. We’re
of alike, you know? I get you more than Ithose other guys. They’re all just stupid
wanna get wasted and hook up. They don’t
about anything.”
“You’re nineteen going on forty, Kay-Kay
I nod. “Yep. I always have been. That’s w
got so tired of hearing all your crap about
young I am. That stuff has never mattered to mHe gets quiet for too long, and I nudge
shoulder. “It matters to other people though,
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finally says.
I shrug. “Not my problem.”
He frowns and doesn’t say anything else
we get back to the camp road. “So what do
see happening between us now?”
“Well, it wouldn’t suck to do that again.”
“Ha. True. So is this just that then? We’vethree weeks of camp left so it’s just going t
fun. Is that what you want?”
I know what I want, but I’m not about to
myself out there like that again. Not when I’msure how he’ll respond. Not when there ar
many what ifs between us.
“Can’t we just play it by ear?”
He stops the car half way down the c
road. He leans over and kisses me. Soft
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warm and wet and yummy. “Okay. We’ll pla
by ear.”
Then he drives the rest of the way to
parking lot, and I make the slow climb up thback to my cabin. My skin is tingling and I
like I’m glowing in the dark. My feet move
snail’s pace because I’m not ready to get bac
my cabin yet. The rush of the day is couthrough me, and I want it to last a few min
more before the reality of camp life settle
again.
I take another step and hear a noise by
bathrooms. I peer into the darkness and
hands grab me. I almost squeak, but I k
these hands. I’ve known them all day. Theyme into the darkness against a tree.
“Alex,” I whisper as he trails his mout
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lingering kisses along my neck. “Someone m
see.”
“Yeah,” he says, then lifts me for a hu
mouth kiss before setting me down and stepback. “It’s probably a good thing I won’t be
next year.”
He drops another kiss on my cheek and s
to whistle as he makes his way toward his
cabin.
I slip beneath my sheets and can’t help
brain from latching on to the last thing he sawon’t be here next year . My gut cramps a
have to take several deep breaths before I
think clearly again. I have three weeks. T
weeks to make a guy old enough to be myfall in love with me. How hard can that be?
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Chapter Ten
We can’t stop touching each other.
bordering on obnoxious and if anyone
looking really careful, we’d totally be called
on it. Alex helps me adjust the archery tawhich really involves his hand on my ass
struggle to inch it two feet to the side. I help
put away the windsurfing boards which is r
me sliding my hands up his muscular back whe hoists boards over his head. I may have
licked him. Twice.
I can’t wait until my next night off and wh
finally comes, I race to his cabin without talking to Jo or Sam about my plans. My sh
off and I’m on top of him when a hard kn
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sounds on his door.
“You in for the night?” Sam yells.
I choke back a laugh at the look of horro
Alex’s face. “Yep. Talk to you tomorrow.”
“Use protection. Some of his sperm migh
be viable,” she calls out and barks out a laug
she clomps away.“Your friends know about us?”
I raise my eyebrows. “Not that hard to fi
out. They’re not stupid.”
He shakes his head. “This is going to bite
in the ass later. Irene’s gonna find out,
there’s no way she’ll hire you back next year
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep blurting out that I have no intention of returnin
camp if he isn’t. Instead, I say, “Well, you w
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be here so it won’t be a problem.”
He fingers the edge of my cut-offs and
me down on top of him. “Unless you attack
next poor, unsuspecting windsurfing instructo
“Nah. This is kind of a one-time deal. P
who’s to say he’d want me? It took everythi
had to win you over.”
Alex chuckles. “He’d want you. It
everything I had not to fall.”
I lick my lips and he follows the movem
Yeah. I’m not the only one screwed in this d“But you did fall, didn’t you?”
He lifts me up and searches my face for
question behind the question. We both know
there. He opens and shuts his mouth, then shhis head. He knows what I need to hear and
he won’t give it to me. Instead, he flips me
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and kisses me until I can’t think about the mi
words between us anymore.
Jo, Sam and I are sitting on the watersk
dock, watching the sunset. It’s a free evenin
most of the campers are watching a movie in
rec hall. The loons are calling to each oacross the lake, and the quiet peacefulness s
into me and dampens my restlessness.
“Only about two more weeks,” Jo says. you know what you’re gonna do?”
I shrug. “Go back to college.”
“And him?”
“He’ll go back to teaching.” The hole in
quivers at the notion of time apart, but I’m no
idiot. I want to finish college. He has a job.
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reality of nineteen and forty isn’t lost on me.
“And then?”
I bite my lip. “Can I ask him to wait?” I
Sam who is strangely quiet tonight.
She turns to me. “Is that what you wan
mean, do you really think this is the real de
get that you’re an old soul, but really, yopretty young to be planting your flag right n
Sam dangles her bare feet into the water
kicks up a splash.
“Where do you see yourself in five yearsask her.
She raises a shoulder. “Don’t know. I coul
plan where I’ll be next year. Too muc
changing. Too much has changed over the
year.”
“You see, for me, I do know. I mean
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exactly, but I know I’ll be teaching in five yea
know I’ll be working with kids somehow. I k
I’ll figure out a way to spend summers on a
And I know I’ll be with him. Or at least I howill be.”
Jo inhales a quick breath. “Really? You’re
sure?” It’s a weighted question. I know all
shit she’s been through with Jeff and the newis hitting her hard right now, but again, she w
talk unless she really needs to, and she r
thinks she needs to.
“Yeah. I mean nothing is set in stone. B
makes sense. He makes sense to me. Like
the first time, I feel like I found someone who
right fit.”Sam shakes her head. “You won’t be abl
talk him into it. No matter how he feels or
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sure you are. He’ll think he’s taking somet
away from you.”
I nibble on my bottom lip. This is the prob
of course. He will think that. And part of it wia little true. It’s hard to find your great love w
you’re only nineteen. It’s stupid and romantic
bullshit really. Except that it’s not. And the
that I won’t be with him in five years msomething inside of me whither.
“Any ideas?” I ask.
Jo shakes her head and looks to Sam says, “Hey. I got you in the guy’s bed. All
rest of that stuff is so not my area. Not
getting a guy into bed is my area.” She trips
stumbles over her words as her face reddmaking me even more curious what’s going
with her.
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The three of us spend the next twenty min
in relative silence. We listen to the loons and
voices of people passing in their boats,
mostly, we’re each in our own heads. I’ve goused to that with us. It’s become a friendshi
time and comfort. We all seem to know when
best just to let the universe unfold as it will.
We head back up to the cabins and Astops me in his golf cart half way up the hill.
“Hop in. I want to show you something.”
I grin. “I love it when you talk dirty.”He blushes and smiles in this adorable
boy way. “Knock it off and get in.”
I slide next to him and this time I press
close. If anyone saw us, they’d be asking all
of questions, but at this point, I don’t care. I’
minus fifteen days and need all the help I can
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Alex rests his hand on my thigh as he drive
toward the fire pit. He parks the golf cart
pulls me close.
“You have to be quiet,” he says as he kithe tip of my nose. “We don’t want to scare t
off.”
I follow behind him and he walks us to
edge of the lake on the south side of camp
drops to his stomach and I mirror his ac
Then he shimmies closer to the edge and p
over. I slide in next to him and hold my breathA nest of baby loons is resting on the edg
the water. Their black fuzz blends them into
background, but the light from the top of th
shines almost directly on them.“Oh my God,” I whisper. “How did you
them?”
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Alex shrugs. “I saw the mother looking
food earlier and followed her. Pretty cute, hu
I blink at him and nod. “Yeah. Kind
amazing, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever loons that small. Not even in ten years of b
here.”
Alex shimmies back and props himsel
against a tree, his long legs stretched before
“Yeah. I’m going to miss this kind of stuff
year. But I’ll probably get to see even mor
the Costa Rican rain forests.”I nod. “Probably.”
The wide expanse between us suddenly se
uncrossable, and I don’t know how to tell
what I want. So I just sit quietly next to himlean my head against his shoulder.
“Robin’s in hospice. They think only a
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days now.”
“Jesus. Really? I haven’t seen Iren
should’ve asked.”
He takes my hand in his. This is us now
likes holding my hand in this adorably
fashioned way. “Irene’s been with her.”
“Are you okay?”He nods. “Yeah. Sad for her. Sad for Ir
But I said my goodbyes a long time ago.”
“Did you… Did you want me to go to
service with you or whatever?”
He squeezes my hand. “No. That’s okay.
too much to ask, and I’m not sure how I
would take it.”I want to tell him that I don’t give a shit w
Irene thinks. All that matters is if he needs
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but I realize this is a childish response and I n
to be more patient with him and all his insecu
about us.
“Okay. Well, if you change your mind…”
The air between us is full of questions,
neither of us has any answers right now. We h
a dying ex and a nest full of baby loons a
nineteen-year-old girl who has fallen too hard
we don’t say anything. We sit beneath a
holding hands and pretending that in two we
we’re not going to have to say goodbye.
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Chapter Eleven
Three days later Alex disappears. His cla
are cancelled with no explanation. Irene’s
gone so I can only assume the worse. Rob
died. I expected more from him. A nSomething. But kisses and sex and hand-hol
and all the rest of it apparently haven’t trans
in his mind as any indication that he needs t
me when he’s taking off.It’s my own fault. I said the L word. I hav
said it since. He hasn’t asked for it, an
certainly haven’t asked him to reciprocat
Even I have enough sense to know wheprotect myself. But still, a quick text or not
my bunk saying, “I’m taking off to deal
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Robin stuff. I’ll see you when I get back” w
have gone pretty far.
As it stands, I am an archery machine. I de
an elaborate contest for the campers recreThe Hunger Games with archery targets. I g
town and buy a boatload of candy to give a
as prizes. In summer camp, candy is curr
and by the end of the first day, everyone wansign up for the contest, even those girls wh
never picked up a bow before.
Sam makes all her campers join and spends the rest of the day helping me with
contest. By four o’clock, we’re both exhau
and ready for a drink at the Little Minnow.
I choke down dinner and eavesdrop on alconversations around me to hear if any
knows anything about Robin or Ir
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Unfortunately, most of the rumors are about A
and how he’s run off with a former camper.
irony of this isn’t lost on me, and I secretly s
into my mashed potatoes, thinking if only knew.
Jo is sitting on the hood of her car, waiting
us after dinner. She’s tense and buzzy and I
tell something huge is racing around her brain
“Ready to go?” she says and hops off the
clicking the unlock button.
“Yep. In a hurry?” Sam says with a smirkwhatever is going on, I’m the only one not in
know.
“Did you want to tell me something?” I ask
Jo shakes her head and bites her lip.
chuckles and slides into the back seat.
“You’ve missed a lot of fun nights at the L
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Minnow” is the only explanation Sam will
me.
Jo throws the radio on too loud and thu
through her songs to get to one we all knowlove. We belt the lyrics at the top of our lung
we head up the camp road. I glance at Al
cabin as we pass it and my breath catches.
“Stop!”
“What?” Jo slams on the brakes, turns of
music and looks around. “Did you see a deer
“No.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and slide “Alex is back. I’m gonna…”
Sam sighs and climbs over the backseat
my now vacant one. “Shafted for a guy…aga
I grin. “Sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”
Sam waves me away. “No, you won’t. Yo
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worthless. The entire girl code goes to shit w
love is involved. This is why I don’t mess
that. Guys yes. Love, hell no.”
I lean down into the car. “Thanks. I dknow what I’d do without the two of you.”
Sam grins. “Him. You’d do him. All the tim
I laugh and then wave. The car acceleratethe camp road, and I can hear the music pou
through Jo’s open windows again. I take a
steadying breaths before I tiptoe to Alex’s ca
I knock lightly and hear the shuffle of inside. He pulls the door open and my h
stops at his look. Before I can say anything,
tugged me into the room and lifted me up
hands cupping the underside of my thighs.back slams against the door and his tongu
plunging into my mouth, almost choking me
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ferocity.
I press my palms against his chest, bu
crushes me closer. All my good intentions ab
telling him off, telling him that I’m worth a fucnote at the very least, seemed to have esca
me for this moment. His lips and mine tan
and searching for each other.
Finally, he lets me go.
“Thanks for the note,” I say, pulling my
back down to my waist.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”“A simple, Hey Kay-Kay, my ex died so
onna take care of that would’ve sufficed.”
He shakes his head. “I couldn’t see you beI left.”
“Why not? That’s asshole. That’s high sc
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bullshit. Jesus, aren’t you supposed to be
grown up here?”
He rakes his fingers through his sandy b
hair and steps back. “Yes. But when I gotnews, I didn’t feel like a grown up. I wante
come to you. I wanted to bring you with m
wanted to hold on to you and never let go.”
The breath rushes out of me. “Why d
you?”
“Because I can’t feel that way. Yo
nineteen. I can’t want you this much. It’ssupposed to be like this. It’s not suppose
hurt like this.”
I’m suddenly shaking. Violently. My
won’t hold me, and I slump to the grounhiccup a sob. “I know.”
“What am I supposed to do about you?”
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desperation in his voice is everything I’ve fe
the last few weeks. The gnawing hunger and
painful knowledge that it can’t be, that we c
be.“I don’t know.”
He drops down and crawls toward me.
in love with you. You have to know this by n
Of course I do. It’s everything I wan
Everything I knew in the back of my mind. A
hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. The sha
won’t stop and he gathers me into his lap clings to me tightly.
Tears are slipping down my face. He col
them on his fingers and brushes them away. T
when they keep coming, he kisses them awAnd kisses me. And I get lost in it again f
moment before I pull back from him.
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“We’re not going to work?” I say.
He shakes his head. “You know we aren’t
I scrunch my eyes together and beg for
moment to freeze. For us to get to be like
forever. For nothing outside of these wall
exist. But when I open them again, I kno
won’t get that. I won’t get to keep him. H
walk away from me and he’ll be right to do it
I pull off my shirt and help him off with
“Okay. Tonight. Just tonight. Right now.
disappear after this, but right now, I need Please.”
He lifts me and puts me on his bed. His fin
brush away the last of my tears and then he’
top of me, loving me in a way that’s both teand desperate. And as I cling to him, I know
this is his way of saying goodbye.
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Chapter Twelve
The campers left yesterday. It’s the staff’s
day and I haven’t been with Alex since ten
ago. We don’t even look for each other.
can’t. The heartsickness is too huge. The after the last time, Sam saw me at breakfast
shook her head, then mumbled something a
the trouble with love. Since then, both she an
haven’t left me alone. I love them for it and enight with them is solace in a way that I n
could have expected.
Though Jo’s been skipping out some nig
She’s up to something big, but still hasn’t drop. At least not to me. It’s the end of
summer, she may just let it pass. And Sam
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been more quiet than I’ve ever seen her.
We’re having a campfire and the entire sta
singing. Nancy, the head cook, has out her g
and even Irene has shown up. She returnecamp a week ago to see that everything was
in order. She didn’t mention Robin and non
us asked about her, though by this point, mo
the counselors had heard the story.
Alex is on the opposite side from me, sta
into the fire. The s’mores I had earlier sit li
lump in my gut. I can’t sing. I can’t even mocan only ache. I’m a coward. I should get up
tell him goodbye. I should wish him luck in C
Rica next summer. I should tell him to send m
postcard. Instead, I blink back tears and gthe inside of my cheek.
Jo and Sam sandwich me in a squeezy
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and I hold their hands because they have
through it all with me and don’t care that I
stupid girl in love. Alex stands up and stare
me. He points to the woods and the questiohis face turns me inside out. Yes, I want this.
no, I don’t think my little heart can take m
more.
“One life, sweetie,” Jo whispers in my eamight even try to get mine, too. If I can do it,
can do it.”
Sam nudges me. “She’s right. Go fucking that.”
I drop a kiss on both their cheeks and s
on shaky legs. Alex is already to the edge o
woods by the time I catch up with him. I exhim to kiss me or at the very least wrap me in
arms, but he merely leans against a tree
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stares like he’s trying to memorize me. Like
standing in front of him with no clothes on.
A deep blush creeps up my neck and
moves forward to grab my hand.
“Come with me.”
I blink. “What? Where?”
“Next summer. Come with me to Costa RI let the excitement of possibility buzz ac
my skin before I shake my head. “I don’t h
the money. They won’t send us both.”
“They will. You’re my plus one. I alre
contacted them.”
“You did what?”
He looks at my fingers laced through histraces the bones with his thumb. “I conta
them and asked if I could bring someone
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me.”
“Wait. What?”
“I told them I was interested in applying fo
grant and asked if I could bring someone
me. Like a research assistant.”
“And they said you could?”
“Yeah. I mean we’d have to pay for yairfare and food. But I could help you with
You could stay with me, and I bet you c
even get college credit for it.”
My mind is reeling. “You want me to cwith you?”
He shakes his head. “Yes. Obviously. W
would I bother asking if I didn’t want you the“But, why?”
He releases his hand and lifts my c
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“Because, beautiful, I don’t want to lose you
Then his mouth is on mine and we’re ki
and laughing, and everything has been solve
the same time that nothing has. There armany what ifs still. So many things that c
happen in the next year. But none of it seem
matter. Not now. Not when he’s gone to
effort of finding a way to keep me.
I pull back from him and wrap my arms tig
around his neck. “I told you I’d talk you
me.”His deep chuckle lights me up from my to
the top of my head. Everything feels warm
tingly and full of all the best parts of this sum
“That you did, Kay-Kay. That you did.”
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Jody
Chapter Thirteen
I jerk open the shed with lifejackets and
myself again that Jeff’s busy. Won’t notice
I’m okay. Arguing with him is exhausting, a
have better things to do with my time.I readjust my long hair into a tighter pon
and start counting.
The scraping of boat against the gravel
me from my trance. I’ve been staring at the row of lifejackets and I’m pretty sure I lost c
after ten. I’ve got to get myself together—c
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my count before the girls are up. My run
morning didn’t clear my head the way I need
to.
The problem’s that Jeff and I were togefor two years, since a year after high sc
graduation, and our families know each o
and we’ve said things like “I love you”
“forever” so I fell into that comfortable fanWhen it was pulled out from underneath m
didn’t know where I belonged anymore. I
that a man had the power to do this to me.
I’m not supposed to be the weak girl. A
really should have told him that he needed to
a different job this summer. But the one thing
learned from my parents is that reputation golong ways, and I’m not going to have any
thinking less of me because of what Jeff sa
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know he’d have things to say about my mat
if I told him to work somewhere else. I can’t
it. We know too many of the same people in
life outside of camp.And now I’ve lost count of the stupid
ackets. I start at the top row again.
Kay-Kay smacks my butt as she steps into
shed next to me.
I spin to face her, my jaw tight from Jeff
feeling pathetic.
Her face softens as she takes in my expresand glances back out the door at Jeff t
together canoes. “Let it go. He always w
pretentious prick. Good riddance, I say.”
“Yeah, well.” I sigh. “Mom and Dad havvery different idea about Jeff than you.” So d
for that matter.
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“You’re twenty-one, Jody. Who cares? Y
don’t get forever at twenty-one.” And the
almost looks like she’s bitten her tongue. Tha
new one for her.Kay-Kay doesn’t get the Jeff situation.
that I’d want her parents, but mine expect a
So much. They hate that I’m still teaching a
camp, and next year’s my last year of collegthis is probably the last summer here for m
can’t imagine not coming back next summer
being part of these girls’ lives.
I glance back at her. “Don’t you own a br
She shrugs. “It’s hot.”
“I have two nipples that stare at me e
morning in that stupid mirror someone putoutside our shower stalls. I really don’t n
yours, too.” At least I know there’s almos
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two outfits. For me, that’s a sign it’s going t
a great summer.
Also, Jeff’s finally paddling away with
canoes in tow. That helps, too.
“Little Minnow tonight. I know you don’t w
to miss out.” She starts to walk away.
Of course I want to miss out. Right nowant to be pathetic and hide inside my ca
Immerse all of me in camp and forget my ou
life exists. But since I hate that I’m feeling
way, I’ll definitely be at the bar.
Sam and Kay-Kay have a beer with
minute of when we step inside, but I havscope out the room first. See who’s h
Breathe in the familiar smell of stale beer,
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worn-out old wooden building. The problem
being the oldest of the counselors is that Sam
Kay-Kay are my only two friends left.
And they’re awesome girls, and probreally good for me in some warped way,
those two don’t let anything go.
Jeff’s in the corner, talking to some very yo
looking blonde who’s half on his lap, and
stomach tightens up. I’m so glad I didn’t
before coming. I stare for a moment too long
his eyes catch mine. Instead of looking awaypretending he didn’t see like any actually nice
would do, he gives me another frown
apologetic smile that immediately turns me int
angry, ex-girlfriend.I’m smarter than to give him the satisfactio
affecting me, so I smile slightly back and le
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eyes wander away. If I was a drinking
tonight would definitely be a night to
hammered.
How can he be so cavalier about two yeOur moms had practically planned our w
wedding. And was it Jeff’s fault that he brok
with me?
Of course not.
The first words out of Mom’s mouth w
“What did you do? He’s such a perfect yo
man.”“Whoa.” Kay-Kay grabs both my shoul
forcing her face into my line of sight. “Chill.
can kill someone later. Like tomorrow. We
archery right away. Picture his face in the tabut please let’s not start the drama our first n
here. I need you to drive me home.”
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Her breath already smells like beer, but the
is the perfect distraction. What she do
realize is that I still sort of hurt too much t
angry. Or maybe I’m in shock. Or maybe irandom combination of things I don’t remem
ever feeling that I never want to feel again.
“Now.” She turns me toward the bar.
check out that delicious piece of ass behindbar, and I dare you to tell me you don’t fe
between your legs when he says hello.”
I blush a little, even though I should be useKay-Kay’s lack of filter.
I step up to the worn wooden bar and
before sitting down.
“Hello?” Thick Irish accent. Dark brown stare past me, or into me, or at me in a way
yes… I feel pretty deeply. Deep enough th
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cross my legs when I hop on the stool.
A curl of his brown hair hangs over
forehead, and I wonder what it would feel lik
run my hands through a guy’s hair who actuhad more than a business man’s tidy haircut.
is so not like me.
Tattoos line his arms to his hands, and
I’m staring at his lip ring. There’s a part of
that’s fascinated by it. What would it feel lik
kiss?
“Can I get you something?” His eyes arevery intently on me, so much that I scoot b
slightly.
Oh, shoot. He’s been waiting for me. It’s
that his delicious accent, and rockstar hotnemuddling my brain. “Can I get a sprite with s
grenadine?”
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His brows go up along with a corner o
mouth. Intensity gone.
They really need to start hiring geeks
because I can’t think straight with someonehot looking over the counter at me.
“Sprite with cherry flavor?”
“Yes.” I’m an idiot, and really not in the mfor the run-around I so often get because I li
little kids’ drink. Not everybody drink, drin
used to tell everyone that Sarah Jessica Pa
doesn’t drink, but no one knows who shanymore, so it doesn’t seem to matter.
“That’s a Shirley Temple.” It’s so obvious
he’s holding in his laugh, and half of me wan
sink into the floor, the other half gets spissed.
“Yes.” I rest my arms on the bar, no lon
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intimidated by his looks. For now. “But it w
be great if we didn’t call it that.”
“Sure thing…” He tilts his head at
sideways, and lets his words trail off.
Oh. Right. He wants my name. “Jody.”
“Jody.” My name actually sounds very
coming from him. His eyes hit me in the gut aDefinitely going to need to talk to the owner,
about hiring zit-filled, Dungeons-and-Drag
playing dudes who belong in their moth
basements. I come here too often.The Irishman bartender isn’t going to work
me.
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Chapter Fourteen
I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling of my caHighlights of our first night.
Pulling Sam out from underneath the guy
last year single-handedly ruined the summe
three other camp counselors by passingherpes, and singing at the top of our lu
because there’s no other way to drive thro
the woods without being freaked out.
None of us will ever admit that, but we
every time. Unspoken. Friends with unspo
rules are the best kind of friends.
I close my eyes and think about Jeff incorner. Then the girl. Tan, like I’ll never
Blonde. Nice thin arms, instead of my st
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ones. I’m a runner, swimmer and biker.
competed in triathalons since I can remem
and usually run before camp starts for the
before the camper walk. Kay-Kay and would give me no end of crap if they knew.
And the bartender. Liam, I learned. So gen
to fall for the hot guy behind the bar. He has
urban feel—skinny jeans, black rock T-shirt,he’s here. So strange. And those relations
never turn out well—the summer ones. Fo
the fact that I could never go there. Which m
me think of Jeff, which makes me think of sch
Ack.
I wonder if there’s any way to push
finishing college because I’m nowhere near rto enter the real world. Not when I have
idea what to do with my business degree wh
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don’t give a crap about business.
The girls are groaning over a two-mile wand to make matters worse, I’m picking up
tail because Kay-Kay needs to be in a pos
where she bumps into Alex as often as poss
What the hell is she thinking? He’s twice her
Not that she’d let that stop her. And may
have to admit that part of me is jealous of
umping in and going for what she wants becthere’s no way I’ll do anything about L
behind the bar. Too tattooed. Too smi
Too…Irish. Okay. So, the Irish thing to
works in his favor. I’ve been there twice didn’t want to leave both times.
A half-mile in, two girls are sure they’re g
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to collapse from exhaustion even though I k
that if they were given a credit card at
entrance of the mall, they could probably go
five miles before crashing on a bench.Part of bringing up the tail is taking girls b
so we turn around, and let the group continue
When I move past Irene’s office, I nearly
into Bill, the Little Minnow owner, and the
who got me the job here my first year. He
good friend of my Uncle Tate, who unders
my need to not be home during the summers—understands the craziness of his sister who i
mom.
I’m pretty sure my parents are reli
because the older I get, the less patience I hMom and I are both all about organization
ust do it in opposite ways. It’s like having a
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freak live with someone who has OCD—y
think they totally mesh, but they don’t. Not re
Bill has the beer gut to match his job, and
biggest, friendliest smile anyone could own.
“Jody.” He squeezes me into him. “How’s
girl?”
I shrug. “Fine.”He cocks a brow. “I saw that good-
nothing Jeff last night.”
“Yeah. We split.” We. Ridiculous. I think
decided I was too much for him to handledidn’t use that word because he knows be
but it’s the distinct impression I got when
mentioned that we were “going diff
directions”. I wasn’t aware we were g
different directions. I was pretty sure we w
moving toward matrimony and forever. But.
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obviously weren’t. Or at least he wasn’t. I t
Jeff and I would be happy. Actually, I thou
we could be, but he’s handled all of this brea
stuff in such a juvenile way that I’m no losure.
“He’s an ass,” Bill says.
“He’s a good guy.” But even as the w
come out, I start to wonder how true they
Who dumps their girlfriend they claim to lov
no real reason?
“Liam asked about you.” The beginnings grin twitch at the corners of his mouth.
“Liam?” My voice makes me sound li
don’t know exactly who he is. And that I ma
didn’t think about him as I fell asleep last nAnd that I wasn’t planning on thinking about
as I fell asleep again tonight.
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I know just by looking at him that Liam a
would definitely not get along, but I c
remember having such a strong physical rea
to someone, and that’s a really happy way toasleep.
“You know, the one all the girls are droo
over this year?” He gives me a nudge.
My cheeks flush, and I just hope that
heat’s hiding my embarrassment better th
think it is. I really hate this about myself. E
emotion crosses my face. And there are tiwhen that’s a good thing—like when I w
someone to know I’m pissed. And then there
times like this—when I’d rather no one k
that I’m one of many who thinks the Irishlooks pretty insanely incredibly gorgeous. Ev
he’s not my type.
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“Oh.” Which almost makes me laugh, bec
that was a whole lot of thinking to come up
one stupid word.
“He’s my nephew. My sister’s son. Harough year last year and wanted to do somet
else for a while.” His gruff voice is compl
filled with kindness and maybe a little bit of
making me wonder what Liam’s story is.
“Oh.” I’m apparently incapable of act
speaking.
“Well, I’ve got to head back. Make surehave enough of the cheap stuff to last for the
of the week.” He winks. “And I stocked up
that cherry-flavored stuff you like.”
“Thanks.”Liam. Right in this moment I wish I were K
Kay or Sam so that next time we ended up
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Little Minnow, I could do something with
way I feel about him. Even if it didn’t
anywhere, it might be nice to not be afraid. A
am definitely curious as to what brought thatfrom Ireland to backwoods Wisconsin.
Chapter Fifteen
The heat has officially taken over. We’r
going to be in the water today.
“Okay.” I shout, my hands on my hips, in of a line full of girls. “If I can pull your suit o
tugging a string, turn around, go back to
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bunk, and change. I don’t want an eyeful.”
have Kay-Kay for that. I don’t think she o
anything I’d call a swimsuit. My bras and pa
cover more than her suits.And Sam… Just because her body is per
doesn’t mean we always need to see it. Ev
stare at her, and I don’t swing that way.
doesn’t do “lakes” and is in a lounge chair wwhistle to help her look official in her silver bi
A few groans and at least a fourth of the
turn in their miniature swimsuits to head bactheir bunks.
At twenty-one I can’t imagine we
something like that. How are these girls so
of themselves so young? It kills me. I thougwas going a little crazy today wearing a
sporty two-piece with boy shorts, but I still
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completely exposed.
“For the rest of you. This is free swim. It’s
hot for me to care about any lessons.” I wav
them dismissively, knowing I just made their d
Squeals are followed by splashes, and
chaos. As much as I love the structured activ
I remember this being one of my favorite p
about going to the camp I grew up at.
“Jody?”
Holy Irish lilt. I cannot do this right now.
bathing suit.I rub my hand over my face once like
somehow hide my reddening cheeks and
around on the dock, feeling completely expo
He pauses and his eyes widen slowly as
float down my body. He’s not obnoxious ab
it, but he’s not hiding the way he looks at
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offered to drop it off.” He shrugs, which is su
relaxed gesture, but his eyes don’t waver
mine. It’s way more intensity than I’m used
Or maybe I was just settled into Jeff.“Oh.”
“Glad I ran into you, though. Maybe you c
take me swimming sometime without all the
helpers.” He winks.
I swear my body half explodes with this b
information until reality sets in. He has to
messing with me. I could pick out more thanthe counselors here as better matched to
hotness. I’m stuck in cute territory, which is
but he definitely needs more than cute.
“Yeah. Huh. Well, I’m at work now. I’m I’ll see you around.” I want to walk away,
can’t bring myself to do it.
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“All right. Cheers.” His eyes linger on min
a moment longer before he turns around.
I watch his ass.
I am not an ass-watching girl, but his defin
deserves watching. I need to figure out w
nights he has off so I know I can go to the
without feeling inept.
The girls and I are heading to the Min
again tonight, and I have no idea how I feel ait—especially since I didn’t check Lia
schedule. I did spend more time than I sh
have getting ready, but for what, really? I d
have it in me to flirt with Liam whether he mit or not. And probably dressing up puts me i
even better position to make an ass out of my
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“Hey, Jo Jo,” Jeff says as soon as I
outside my cabin.
I freeze, suddenly angry that he feels lik
can just walk over here and be friendly. Whhe here? “Don’t call me that.”
He sighs, shifting his weight, but this is a
fidget thing, so I’m thinking he’s nervous. “C
on. Are we really going to do this?”
Instead of giving him the argument he’
obviously after, I turn and continue toward Sa
cabin.He grabs my arm, warm and familiar, for
me to wait. I don’t want him to touch me
also don’t want him to stop. I hate this. W
couldn’t he just disappear after breaking up me? Seeing him all the time is throwing me, a
hate to be thrown.
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This is classic Jeff—fidget when the convers
turns to something uncomfortable.
When he doesn’t say anything else, it’s li
rejection all over again. No comfort of “wstill good friends,” or “I didn’t want to
anyone,” or “we were both moving on,”
though I wasn’t. Silence.
I’m done here. I can’t look at him. There’
much history. Too much us.
“Jo, wait!” He jogs to catch up. “Please.
dinner. That’s all.”“And when did you plan on telling them
cross my arms, feeling stronger than I have s
he told me we should break it off. A little
back to my normal self—less thrown.“I…” He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
I know right now I’ll do the stupid dinner
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there’s this small sadistic part of me that wan
make him sweat. “Let me know when it is,
maybe I’ll come.”
His whole body relaxes in relief. Why hhe told them?
“Thanks, Jody. Really. I owe you one.”
nods with this look of sincerity that I’m not s
buy before turning and jogging off.
I take a few deep breaths trying to push al
Jeff-tension away when Kay-Kay leaps on
back and knocks it out of me.
Sam and I are at the Minnow alone—K
Kay bailed on us, which means she’s definafter Alex. Nothing keeps her from this place
“No bullshit, Jo. He’s already looked at
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twice. If you don’t take advantage of this p
ideal situation, I might be tempted to kick
ass.”
I just nod, having no idea what to makanything she’s just said.
Sam’s pocket buzzes. She pulls out her ph
“Oh, hell…” Her body slumps. “It’s my bro
I gotta talk to him.”
And now I’m alone.
Liam gave me an odd smile when I cam
but I don’t know if he’s being polite and notme, or if he’s offended that I didn’t chat with
more the other day. If I wasn’t dying of th
nothing could drag me to the bar—not
Sam’s threat to kick my ass.After basically agreeing to have dinner
Jeff’s parents, I’m feeling on edge. Like I k
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something’s up, but don’t know what it is. A
Kay-Kay’s out seducing an older man, and
weirded out by the way I feel around a g
don’t know, even though the wide wooden bbetween us.
Okay. I’m stronger than this. I should be.
thirsty. He works here. He already knows
drink I want, and so I’ll hopefully be spsome of the run-around I get from orde
making me wonder again why on earth I insi
getting the same thing. But who would g
regular soda when you could get one
cherries?
I tilt my chin up and take a seat.
Liam’s there in seconds, letting the other finish his order.
“Jody.” He pauses a half step from his sid
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the counter, and I swoon a little at the way
says my name. I should probably stay a
ways away from a guy who only needs one w
to turn me soft.“Liam.” I’ve paralyzed myself by compl
over-thinking the situation.
“Usual?”
I wait for the smirk or a wink, but it doe
come.
I nod and swallow a few times. The nois
the bar and everyone else sort of disappmaking ordering a drink the center of
universe. I’ve got to stop this. “Thanks.”
I watch him move as he fills my cup
splashes in the cherry flavor. Long, lean anice waist, a perfect view of his fabulous ass
eyes haven’t come back up when he turns, g
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me another nice view that I can’t believe
enjoying through his snug jeans. He bends d
until our eyes meet—right about ass/crotch le
“You here?”
I press my palm into my face as if it’ll hide
and my burning cheeks. Never have I che
out a guy like that, and when I did, it defin
didn’t leave the pinpricks of nerves that
dancing around on my skin and in my gut.
“I…” I set my hand down.
He smiles. “Yeah, you’re here.”“I’m sorry.”
He chuckles. “What for? You think other
haven’t checked me out before?”“I’m not other girls. I’m not that gi
don’t…”
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story than she let on, but I don’t push her.
tends to snap when I do, and I know she’s n
the mood.
We don’t even sing when we hit the tWhen we stop in the parking lot, I don’t k
how to do more than ask if she’s okay, and I
a mumble in response.
Chapter Sixteen
I hate shedding the casualness of my shand camp T-shirt. I come here to escape al
politeness of being around my parents, and
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This is just Jeff and his parents. We’ve ha
million meals together.
Just none where we were pretending to b
love.
Because we still were.
A knock at my door catapults me to my fe
I jerk it open to see Jeff. Perfectly presselight khakis and a button up, not a drop of sw
on his face. I don’t know how he does this
hair is probably already starting to frizz at
edges.“You’re early.”
He smirks. “Because I knew you’d be r
early, and that you’d be sitting in here stres
out about a night that’s no big deal.”
It’s a huge deal, but I can’t give him
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satisfaction of knowing how much in shock
am over our breakup, over his parents
knowing, and over him asking me for this biz
favor.He glances at my bag, and I’m sure
internally cringing. He bought me like thre
four designer purses when we were dating, w
I never used.
We sit in the car and I can’t help it. “Why
we split, Jeff?”
He sighs. “Different directions. Like I said“No.” I rest my hand on his arm and then
it away when I remember he doesn’t want m
touch him like that anymore. “That’s not it.”
He glances at me. “Everything’s so easyyou, Jody. You just do the right thing.
exhausting being in that shadow.”
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I’m completely deflated. Nothing’s easy
isn’t easy being the girl teased for her innoce
even though I was with Jeff. It’s not easy b
the only one without makeup because I cbring myself to care. Or the only girl not drin
at the bar. None of it is easy. I do it because
the right thing for me. Maybe Jeff n
understood that, which means that he never runderstood who I am.
Crazy that I never figured that out. Not in
almost two years we were together.
Jeff’s parents are perpetually early and w
through the glass doors of the restaurant asget close.
They won’t want to be out of air conditio
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in the heat.
Seafood.
Always a seafood place, even though I
almost everything on the menu and end
ordering something like chicken fingers tha
for little kids.
Jeff casually rests his hand on the small oback and once again I’m having a momen
flashback and how much comfort that use
give me. I’m still not sure if I should lean into
or pull away.Before I think, I go for the lean in. Norm
this is when his hand would sneak around
side and he’d rest his fingers low on my wai
give me a squeeze as a sign that he can’t waiour meal to be over so we can be alone.
I expect it. Rely on that. It was our rou
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shaking and my legs don’t feel like my legs.
was expecting to see an engagement ring. T
must have talked about it. What happened?
Do I even want to know?
I stand in the bathroom with my hands on
counter and stare at myself in the mirror.
hair. Freckles. Round face. Blue eyes. Shoul
that might be a little too strong.
Okay. I’m not a wimp. I can do th
straighten my shoulders, readjust my bag
walk out of the bathroom.I spot Jeff right away, staring down at
plate. His parents’ backs are to me.
“I just don’t understand why you’re wait
his mom says.
I slow my walk, knowing they don’t see
and wanting to know more.
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“You asked for the ring, Jeffrey. I
expecting…”
My feet refuse to carry me to their tab
can’t do this. Instead I head for the exit, trembling. I do not want to be trying to get
Jeff this summer. I want to love my summer.
last summer at camp.
As soon as I step outside, I sit on the b
and slide off my wedges and pull out my te
shoes.
“Jody!” Jeff bursts outside. “What are doing ?”
“I can’t do this.” I lace up my shoes, gl
around and start sliding my cut offs on unde
skirt.“What the hell are you thinking? You c
change here!”
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It’s so completely unlike me, but
desperate to get rid of everything that is this n
I button my shorts and slide off my
stuffing it and my cardi back in my bag. Tcutoffs, shoes. Better. I get a few odd looks
it’s not like I come here often, or that I’ll be b
here ever again.
“How do you plan on getting home?”
I open my mouth to speak, but hav
planned that far. “Anything’s better than ri
back with you. Have a nice dinner.”And just like that I walk away. As soon as
around the corner I pull out my phone and
dialing. Kay-Kay, who doesn’t answer and
Sam.
“Can you come into town and pick me up
ask. “My keys are in my room.”
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“I’m in the middle of a dance class,”
protests. “Go to the Little Minnow. I’ll meet
there after.”
Right. Change out the hurt and infuriationis Jeff for the hit me between the legs feeling
comes with Liam. Great.
Chapter Seventeen
By the time I make it to the Little Minnow
day and Jeff and his parents and talk of thehas sort of numbed me.
The place is packed when I step inside, an
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the fried food smell hits me, my stomach rum
Right. I missed dinner, and I’m not a skip
meals kind of girl.
I glance around, but the thought of sittingtable by myself just seems too pathetic.
Bill’s arm comes around me. “You’re loo
a little lost.”
“I…um…”
“Come on in back, and I’ll hook you
okay?”
Without a word I let him lead me, anminutes I have dinner on the picnic table out b
near the employees’ door. Two minutes a
that, Liam steps outside with a beer and fre
upon seeing me.
“Hey.” I wave as I stuff another small bunc
fries in my mouth. Hey is a bit pathetic, bu
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least I spoke first this time.
He stands in silence, clutching his beer
white knuckles, which relaxes me a bit bec
something’s obviously making him nervous.
“You look outside of yourself,” he says a
sits across from me.
“Outside of myself?”“Something my mother used to say when
were deep in thought or completely distracte
get a better look at his tattoos as he folds
arms on the table. All swirled designs aronames and a few random objects—an anch
paw print…
“Your accent is unbelievably sexy.” The w
spill out before I can filter or stop them, a
wonder if Kay-Kay has these horrible crin
moments of regret when something just co
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out. I somehow doubt it.
He grins. “An actual compliment from the
quiet Jody. I’d almost given up.”
Given up? On what? My heart’s going cr
and my fingers are shaking. It’s just a guy. A
we’re only talking.
“Rough day?” he asks. Sheesh, the wordlike silk coming off his tongue and then I t
about silk and tongues, and… I have a que
to answer.
“You could say that. Just weird. I endedout to dinner with my ex-boyfriend and
parents and I sort of decided to take off.” Th
the easy explanation.
He cringes slightly. “Why would you be
with your ex-boyfriend and his parents?”
I sigh. “He hasn’t told them we split, and—
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“Sounds a bit like his problem and not yo
Liam adjusts his arms on the table and s
tugging at the label of his beer.
“I guess.” It’s a matter of me trying to kthe peace.
My eyes flit to his, but he’s so intense
maybe it’s the way that I feel about being c
to this perfectly cut, on the edge of bad-boy
of hotness who makes my knees weak by sa
my name, that creates tension in the situation.
“Look. Jody.” He sighs again. “I get whalike to be in this kind of shit, but if you don’t h
to be there, don’t be. Life will throw enough
at you without you walking into it.”
My eyes trace the outside of his body agThe perfect combination of lean and str
Skinny jeans, despite the heat. Jeff would n
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be caught dead in skinny jeans.
I’ve got to stop comparing the two.
No comparison.
I ignore the voice in my head that’s making
feel a little insane with being this close to
And alone.
“You’re a deep thinker.” I can’t rememberlast time I had a conversation with someone
meant something, and I just met this guy.
“Hazard of living.” There’s a sadness in
eyes that I don’t understand and probably nwill.
Realizing I might never know makes me a
sad and then makes me wonder if we’ve staa sort of something here. I’m not sure what
something.
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His head cocks to the side as he reads
shirt. Or he’s studying my boobs—one of
hazards of my tanks and tees.
“Boys who don’t like smart girls, don’t girls.” He grins as he reads.
I shrug.
“Agreed.”Melting.
I know I don’t like this guy because I d
know him, but it’s crazy how his presence m
me a little flustered. I don’t get flustered. WOften.
My phone buzzes in a text. Be there i
ound your Keys. Your part of the cab
reakishly neat. We gotta fix this.
“My ride’s on her way.” I rest my chin on
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hands to get a few inches closer to study hi
bit. He has the smallest wrinkles on the outsid
his eyes, making me wonder how old he is,
what his life is like.“You’re taking me in,” he says.
I am staring, so it’s not like I can deny
“I’m curious.”
“About?”
“Everything. All the time.” That’s safe.
“That’s a brilliant way to be.”
“Why are you here?”
Silence.
Silence.
“Sometimes. Sometimes,” he says. “Geaway is the only way to fix something.”
There’s that depth in his eyes again, whi
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almost don’t want to see, because right now
still just on my hot guy radar. Or blown the
off it. But now he’s a whole person—more
abs and hair and teeth and smiles and tattsass. A few sentences has taken him a notch a
from hot stranger with a lip ring and close
being someone I might want to know.
“Well.” I breathe in deeply, wishing it hadsame effect as a cold shower because I’ve n
felt a serious want of someone that’s really b
on nothing more than lust, and the more he t
the worse it gets. “I should go.”
“Too bad.” He stands and scratches his
revealing a small sliver of tight abs, which flu
me to the point that I stare at the table fmoment before meeting his eyes again. “We w
ust getting warmed up.”
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That or boiling over. One of the two.
Chapter Eighteen
Jeff’s at my cabin door when I make it bac
camp.
Sam gives me a questioning look, but Ithank her for the ride and move toward hi
stop about ten feet in front of him and really
him in. Really look at this person I’ve been w
My safety. That’s what he was when we wfirst together. He was cool with my weird sh
and my non-drinking and how slowly every
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happened between us.
After high school, I needed the stability.
Short, brown hair. Nice skin. Gorgeous br
eyes that I no longer trust, which makes the
lot less gorgeous. It’s like when you’re aro
someone every day they become such a pa
you that you don’t really see them anymore
seeing him now, though, and he looks lik
stranger.
He’s perfectly average, which was fine. G
What I wanted. But maybe I’ve moved pastnow. Maybe I’m less afraid.
Then I think about Liam and what his v
does to me, or the ring on his lip, or a glimp
skin, and then I’m not so sure I’ve moved fear.
“Hey,” he says.
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“I’m tired.” I sigh as I step past him and
my cabin.
He grabs my arm and tugs me out the
toward the bathroom before we wake any ogirls up. “I don’t know if I should be frustr
that you left me there to deal with a r
awkward situation, or be apologizing, or…”
I spin around, incredulous. “You created
awkward situation, Jeff.”
I start to stalk back to my cabin, but he g
my arm and pulls me back.“Just a word, okay?”
I slump on the ground, feeling compl
overwhelmed with humiliation and hurt. If t
was a ring, is that what tipped him over? M
him run away? Helped him to know he cou
be married to me? Couldn’t even be with me
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“You don’t want to talk to me tonight
shake my head as my eyes fill with tears. “Pl
ust let me be.”
He frowns and the first bits of sadness seen since we split cross his features—low
his eyes, pulling his mouth into a frown. “I’m
stupid. I didn’t want to—”
“Just go!” I stand up and move to the ca
This time he lets me go. When I lean agains
wall I hear him curse a few times before wal
slowly away.And for the first time since we broke u
really let myself cry.
We haven’t seen much of Kay-Kay—s
been moody and crazy, but I think we all k
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that would happen if she went after Alex. T
days and I haven’t been able to bring myse
answer any of Jeff’s texts or to go see Liam.
Liam’s probably diverted his interestsomeone else at this point. I’m a bit baffled
why he paid me any attention to begin with.
Sam and I staged this intervention to tal
Kay-Kay. Sam even woke up early for it, bu
I can think about is how we sort of wante
talk her out of Alex, but ended up cheering
on instead. Telling her to take control. Even Ithat. Stood there and said that there’s no wa
didn’t see good things in her. Sam went on a
that involved true-to-form Sam language, b
believed it. Knew that if Kay-Kay wasomething to happen, she had to do it.
I’m not sure I’m in that situation. I think, un
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I’m totally reading Liam wrong, that he’d be
with something happening, maybe just me
around. So why can’t I?
Kay-Kay is probably right now dsomething dramatic. Something that will w
Wonder if I’ll even want to know what it is.
I scrub off the last of my camp day and
dressed to go to the Little Minnow. To see L
By myself. But my hands shake, and I feel l
should finally answer Jeff, and like maybe
doing something wrong.Or maybe I want to do something wr
With Liam.
And then as I drive I think about how
going back to school, and he’s probably gback to Ireland and how all of this is poin
anyway. But still I drive. I’m shaky as I pul
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because I know something’s different. An
know it’s because of me.
As I pull open the door I start to wond
everything I felt between us was really justimagination running away with me.
Liam’s at the bar, smiling and chatting
always. There’s no reprieve from the hea
here. If anything, it’s even worse than outside
Two girls are leaning as far over the count
they can, grinning at Liam. I don’t know him
enough to read him, but I do know that thething I want is for someone to break my h
like Jeff did. This means that my late n
fantasies about the guy have probably clou
what is actually real, and that’s maybe somelike friendship.
He’s smiling at them and his head is t
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down enough that his shaggy brown hair co
part of his face.
I shouldn’t be here.
“Jody!” He waves me over.
Guess I’m here.
He jogs around the end of the counter to m
me. Several pairs of eyes are shooting dagmy way, but my eyes have already found
mark.
“I don’t have a lot of time, but maybe
could step outside for a couple of minutThere’s this look of uncertainty about him th
don’t really understand because I can’t ima
many girls saying no to this guy.
He takes my hand in his and leads me out
I’ve never been much for hand holding, but
trying to learn about him. Rough, but not
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rough. His grip is firm, but not tight. His h
are bigger than mine, but I also don’t feel li
doll or anything. Pretty perfect.
We stop and he turns to face me, droppinghand, and then doesn’t say anything.
“Hi,” I say, wondering if it’s my job to b
the ice here. Or maybe there’s no ice, and
ust lost all sense when it comes to the opp
sex.
“I’m, um… I’m glad you came.” Now
looks fidgety.“You okay?” But now I wonder if I
We’re very alone outside the bar, and he w
me here, and I’m here, and I want me here,
I don’t like how sort of out of control I around him because I’ve never felt this nee
touch someone. Or to hope that they’ll move
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way that’ll show me some skin.
“This seemed like a great idea because I d
know how long I’ll be here, and it seems like
want to do something I just really need to already, and…” He blinks a few times a
looks at me. “You’re really very pretty. I mea
noticed that right away, but it didn’t stick with
for long, because you’re bigger than any roand I…” He stops. “Shite. Sorry. Way
personal. I do that sometimes.”
I’m still reeling from being called pretty.cute. Pretty doesn’t connect in my brain.
He plays with the cuff on his wrist.
I watch. Wondering why we’re out he
came here to see him, but I guess a part ofdidn’t think I would. Not really. And defin
not like this.
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“I think I like you. Or that I’d like to like
And sometimes I feel like you’re with me in
and other times I think you wish I’d drop d
and I guess I’d like to know what I’m up aghere? If we can get together sometime or if
want me to leave you alone, or…”
I’m stunned speechless for a moment. “W
only met a few times. You don’t know me.”
His body relaxes, and he leans against
back of the building. “I guess that’s the p
That I’d like to. Maybe. Unless the hints ofneeding to get away from me are how you fe
“Why me?”
“Because sometimes when you first m
someone you realize that they have the poteto change your life, and I didn’t want to mis
on that.”
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Change his life? Mine? How?
“Are you always this forward?” Because
would be awesome.
“I’m all for simple.”
“I’m all for safe.” The words just come
But how ridiculous are they? Jeff was safe. O
he wasn’t safe because he was my only boyfriend. We were close. We w
comfortable. And now we’re nothing.
“Jody.”
God. The way he says my name.
“There’s no such thing as safe. I’m not as
for forever. Just maybe a chance to talk with
Hang out sometime?” He chuckles. “I sound
a complete arse.”
“No.” I reach out and touch his arm, and
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eyes snap together. I jerk my hand aw
amazed at my forwardness. “I just…” I’
coward.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be interestHe shakes his head and moves toward the do
My chest caves. He can’t just walk aw
“Okay. Yes. I mean. I don’t have a lot of t
off. But yes.” My words tumble over each o
in a mess of insecurity and desire, and the n
to move on. But I’m also terrified. I d
remember even kissing anyone other thanbecause it’s been so long, and I didn’t thi
ever would. “But you have to know that my
relationship felt all okay and then just stop
and I’m still not sure what to make of that, So I don’t know what I want right now,
that’s a really bizarre place for me to be in.”
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“Okay, then.” His smile splits his face. B
white against the tan and dark stubble.
In a flash I imagine his smile closer. His
ust before they touch mine. What his hwould feel like on my waist. His mouth on
collarbone.
I feel it in the pit of my stomach, and in
weakening legs, and in the masses of butter
way low in my stomach.
This is what desire feels like. “Okay
breathe.
Chapter Nineteen
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of my voice.
“Are you two together?”
I sigh. “No.”
She sputters. “I’m in an incredibly awkw
situation with a friend of mine. When did you
on giving them this news?”
Her words grate on my insides. “It’s not rmy job, Mom. Not only is Jeff the one
broke it off, but they’re his parents!”
“You don’t have to yell.” She sou
wounded. Mom’s expert at this.
“Sorry, Mom. Just…tired.” She’s ex
enough that tiredness or made-up appointm
are the only way to fight against her.“Sun stroke, or is that a lie as well?”
I want to tell her about the ring and about
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Jeff keeps trying to call me, and about Liam
I can’t seem to find it in me to get the words
Especially when I already know she w
understand.“I have no idea what Jeff said after I
Mom.” I slump on my bed beyond tired. This
free evening, I should be doing something
Instead, I’m talking to my mom.
“I’m concerned because it’s rude to walk
on someone during dinner.” Her voice is clipp
“I’m about to be late for night swim andon guard duty,” I lie. “Gotta run.”
She huffs and mumbles a few more th
before we hang up.
“AAAHHHHHHH!” I scream be
throwing my phone across the room.
It bounces onto my bed, and isn’t nearl
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satisfying as I imagined.
Someone knocks.
“I’m not in the mood,” I snap.
“Kay-Kay needs us.” Sam pushes open
door.
Kay-Kay’s balled up on her bed, loo
paler than I’ve ever seen her.
No words. No invites. Sam and I crawl in
sandwich her.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Craziest, craziest thing,” she whispers.
has an ex-wife. Can you believe it? Iredaughter. He was married. Like someone got
before me.”
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“Or several someones, because he may
old, but damn he’s hot.” Only Sam.
“So… I don’t think that’s the real mes
say.
Kay-Kay shakes her head. “She’s dying
hospice near here.”
“Oh, God.” Sam snuggles in deeper.“And… I think tonight I turned him do
Like all summer I’ve been after him, but wh
came to it, I had to walk away. I couldn’t d
when he wanted solace. Is it awful that I wmore than that?”
I sit straight up. “No! Of course you n
more than that. Sex is a huge. Huge. Deal.”
Sam scoffs. “Not that big of a deal.”
My whole upper body goes hot. “Well. It
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some people.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” They both turn to
eyes intent.
“What?”
“Are you a virgin?”
“I’m not talking about this.” But they’ll k
as soon as they see my red face.They both give me a weird look.
“You’re twenty-one! How does that happ
Kay-Kay laughs through her tears.
“Oh. Jo.” Sam shakes her head. “That
behind the bar would take you in two seco
and I might pay money to see that man naked
“I totally would,” Kay-Kay chimes in.I flop back down. “I can’t just…sleep
him.”
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“Why the hell not?” They both ask at the s
time.
I cover my face with both arms. “Because
me.”
“He would be the perfect man to deflo
you.” Kay-Kay says.
“We’re not talking about this!” I’m goinactually die of embarrassment. The first pe
ever to not survive humiliation. “And no one
deflower.”
“With you. We use deflower.” Kay-Klaughing so hard I can barely understand
words, which I guess is better than a crum
mess of tears.
“Well, I wish I could be you for one night
sleep with him.” Sam nudges my arm so I k
she’s teasing.
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I’m trying to bury my face deeper into
mattress.
“We’re a fine mess, aren’t we?” Kay-
laughs a little as they both flop back.
“Something like that,” Sam says.
“And no more giving me crap,” I say.
And we lie together in silence. Becsometimes, you’ve said all you need to say
being there is enough.
“Deflower,” Kay-Kay whispers.
And we break into another round of hyste
I have a serious love/hate relationship with t
girls.
For the next four days I keep to my
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Organize the camper schedule to perfection,
stay away from the Little Minnow. I’m exhau
because I’ve been over-working myself e
day. And also tired because I’ve been thintoo hard about Liam, what he might want, w
might want.
There’s a knock at my cabin door, an
freeze.
“I brought you food.” Liam.
My heart sprints. Liam brought food. To
He sure didn’t waste any time. I search fsmall mirror, but realize it’s probably better
to know what I look like after chasing cam
all day.
I jerk open the door and melt a little asmile and the two bags of food he’s holding.
“Um. Wow. We could eat in the Cro
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est. It’s this empty room above the dining h
He winks at me and my stomach flips. “Em
eh?”
I step around him and the two of us wa
silence to the Crow’s Nest. Evening activit
happening and there’s no one around. I lead
in, but once he’s inside, I wonder if I want t
in this close of quarters with him.
“Actually, maybe we should eat downstai
somewhere outside. There’s lots of picnic sp
I offer.His eyes are everywhere, maybe trying to
in the surroundings of what is essentially a s
bedroom.
“Yeah. Sure.”
He puts both bags in one hand and touche
cheek with his fingertips. “Ye’ve had a ro
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day.”
My whole body quivers from that one sim
touch. “Something like that.”
He drapes his arm over my shoulders, a
stiffen. He gives me a squeeze. “Relax, Jody
not after you. Sometimes we run into people
because we need someone right then. I’m
asking for any more than friendship.”
I relax and let the weight of his arm pull
into him. With his hard body against min
know I want more from him, but it’s too soonme. I’ve been wrapped up in the wrong pe
for too long, and that doesn’t seem
something I’d do, but I did do it. And as fa
I’ve come, I’m still reeling a bit from the situa“Well…” he says, “I’m not after more
friendship. Yet .”
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I chuckle and he gives me another frie
squeeze, kissing my temple and sending rip
through my body.
We take the food and opt to walk abo
mile up the trail that circles the lake. We sit a
top of the hill; a perfect spot where we canalmost everything, but no one can see us.
Liam pulls out two burgers, and neither o
says anything. We eat in silence. It’s the wawkward kind at first, but it turns comfortabl
“Care to share?” he finally asks.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I
as I pull on a few blades of grass betweenMy conversation with the girls and how scar
am, how I made it to twenty-one without ha
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a napkin before adjusting to see me better.
seems a bit too…nerdy, for someone like you
“I used to drink in high school, and it n
ended well. Jeff was safe. Made me feel Made it okay that I’m so careful with the w
live my life now.”
“Makes sense.”
I nod. “It’s that our families are so connec
and I know I can be stubborn, and opinion
and—”
“Says the girl wearing the Girls Rule T-shHe smiles. “But I like that about you. Any
should. It’s part of who you are.”
I glance down and smile because it’s sort
profound, yet simple statement. “My par
expect a lot, but they’re not bad people.
never had anything horribly traumatic happe
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me, but God I can’t let go. Not even wh
want to. I don’t get it. It’s like life is right h
ight here. I’m supposed to be in it, and
not. I’m watching and going through the moand that’s bullcrap, and I don’t know why
letting that happen or why I’m watching ins
of taking control and doing something.”
His breath hits my face, making my heart and my stomach squeeze.
Instead of answering, his lips press into min
My body quakes. I don’t know him. He issafe. This is a bad idea. His lips part slightly
without thinking, I part mine too, letting out a
moan at how incredible he feels.
Just as his tongue slides in my mouth I away. I can’t do this. I scoot from him and
my head in my hands, trying to breathe.
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What just happened? Why did I stop it?
He shifts away from me. “Sorry, Jody. Go
didn’t mean…”
But what the hell’s wrong with me? I
Kay-Kay to just go for it, and now I can’t?
has a lot more to lose than I do. She’s to
gone over Alex and the odds of that working
are… not good. She’s still moving forw
ushing forward. Hard. Or that’s the wa
seems.
“I know you want us to be friends. I wanto be friends. You just… You have so much
say, and I love what you have to say…”
reaches out a hand, which I scoot away from
What about Sam— Take the summer .wild. Just because you like someone doe
mean you need to be picking out china. E
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ourself.
But as I look at Liam who should be
someone so different than me, and think a
Jeff and my parents and school and Irelandall the millions of things that hang in the
between us, and I can’t stay.
“I’m so sorry.” I stand up and leave him a
on the edge of the lake.
Chapter Twenty
“You left him out there?” Kay-Kay sm
the back of my head.
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“Ow.” I rub my head, which is still sw
from my morning run. I may have overdone
distance a bit today in an attempt to forget a
last night.It didn’t work.
“Are you that worried about getting
attached that you can’t just enjoy his body?”
My cheeks flame and I stare at the groun
can’t be like that. Like you and Sam. I just c
We’ve had this conversation before.”
“Well, I can’t either I guess because I’m awith Alex right now.” She slumps, but she’s
beaming.
I’ve been so wrapped up in myself th
haven’t been paying much attention to Kay-
or Sam. “What’s up?”
“I think you can guess.” She even tries to
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in her smile, which is so weird because she’s
“A big deal then, huh?”
“A big deal,” she agrees.
“Well, all I do is big deals, and I’m not sur
can do the ‘big deal’ thing with someone
doesn’t live in this country and should be dati
supermodel.”Kay-Kay snorts. “You say that only bec
you have zero clue how gorgeous you are.”
My mouth hangs open.
“I’m off to set up targets. You should com
today. See if those swimmer’s arms can pu
bow.” She walks backwards a few steps to w
at me and jogs off.“Maybe I will,” I call back.
Anything to make sure I’m busy enough to
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sink into my thoughts.
I catch sight of the boys hiking in a line ontrail that skims the outer edge of the camp. T
do this hike once a year, sending the girls in
ridiculous uproar of girl squealing. Fortun
this year, they’re up earlier, and we won’t hto deal with the backlash of the boys being
inside the girls’ camp.
Jeff’s eyes catch mine—he’s pulling up theI don’t have it in me to deal with Jeff today
“Jody!” He jogs toward me, breaking their
and all I can think is that my name doesn’t so
nearly as amazing coming from him as from L
“Looks like you’re busy, Jeff.” I point to
boys continuing to move through the trees.
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“Trust me.” He smirks. “I can catch up.”
“What do you want?”
“I’ve been calling and calling.” He’s ou
breath, and his forehead is beaded from swe
the heat.
“And I’ve been not wanting to talk to you
“Yeah. I get that.”“What do you want, Jeff? Because I’m al
of patience here.”
“I didn’t know I hurt you. I didn’t want
really thought you didn’t need me, and that—
“Wait. Wait. Wait.” I hold my hand
between us. “You’re right. I don’t need yo
didn’t need you. That’s not what being someone is about.”
He tries to hold in his sigh. This is somet
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I’ve seen from him a few times. More than a
Every time I said something he didn’t agree
but didn’t want to argue over. “Do you think
can get together and just talk?”“I think I’m pretty talked out.”
He glances over his shoulder at the grou
boys who is almost out of sight. “Will you at
answer my texts?”
“Maybe.” I turn to get breakfast before
masses of girls stumble out of bed.
I can hear Jeff start to say something behind me, but it’s lost on me.
Probably for the best.
Kay-Kay’s a brilliant teacher. Even the wim
girls are into it. It helps, I’m sure, that the m
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rave came out not long ago—not to men
unger Games.
“You can’t have some boy choosing y
destiny,” she yells at them with a smile. “If yoput in the position where a group of lose
fighting to be able to marry you, you want t
able to get in the middle of it and hit the b
eye!”
And then she stumbles over her words w
Alex walks by and gives her a wink. She’s r
Whatever they have must be big. She never lher cool.
I pull back the bow, and let it fly. I’m now
near the bull’s eye, but I did hit the target, and
me, that’s a win.Sam walks by, but she’s so buried in
phone that I don’t know if she sees anything
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I know her decision to come here was
minute, and it makes me wonder if she’s
because she wants to be here, or if it wa
escape.
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Chapter Twenty-one
I’m loving the freedom I have this y
There’s a lot more paperwork in keeping t
of the girls and the counselors, but having n
all my nights off is definitely worth it.It’s time to face Liam again, so it’s good th
have the time, but also bad for the same re
no excuses to not talk.
My stomach’s in knots the whole way toLittle Minnow, but I called ahead this tim
make sure he was off-shift.
Again I wish I could come back next sumI think about how lucky Alex is in teaching sc
all winter, allowing him to be here every y
Though, it sounds like he won’t make it b
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next year. My heart leaps because that’ll m
his job will be open. I want it bad.
The Little Minnow is packed, like always
I’m after Liam.
Bill has two cabins he uses for family to vi
the winter and for his bartenders in the sum
Liam’s supposed to be in the second.
I run all the details of him through my h
wanting to distract myself from how horribly
things. Or how ridiculously juvenile I was.
There are three books on his small porch to the large camp chair, and it takes everythin
me not to peek as I knock on the door.
I clutch my hands behind my back, wond
what I hope to accomplish here. Apologize?
friends? Try for another kiss? My heart sprin
that thought.
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No Liam.
I knock again and lean sideways. The boo
top is Plato’s Republic . Is he smart, or just
philosophy? Or is it on top to be pretentious?
Maybe I’d know if I could see the other tw
I scoot the first book over just enough to s
Stephen King, and I smile. Better.“Jody.” His voice comes from behind me.
I spin around nearly knocking his books ov
“Snooping?” He’s smiling, but maybe tryin
hold it in. It presses his lips and dimples in a v
very nice way.
“I…” I’ve lost all coherent thought.
And then I slump a little because I’m hereI have no words for him. I don’t know wh
say, how to start, why I came.
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“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Yeah…I…”
“Come inside.”
I’m not sure I should be inside with him
how my body reacts, but he steps through
door, leaving it open for me and my need t
here, and my curiosity at where he lives over. I find myself closing the door behind
and stopping to take in the small room.
There’s a small fireplace in one corner. A l
bed under a window, a small kitchenette ancouple of chairs. Simple. There are four
stacks of books near the bed. Two laundry b
One has folded clothes, the other doesn’t.
perfect, but not messy.
He glances to where I’m staring.
“I don’t know many people here. And de
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how I seem to be with you, I’m not goo
making new friends. And I like to read.”
pause is long. “And there are no bookshelves
“Oh. Look, I—”
But he starts to say something at the s
time, and now we’re both in awkward sil
again.
“Please come in. You don’t need to stand
the door.” He sits on his bed, and I slowly m
into the room to take a chair, but he pats the
and we end up facing each other. Legs crosSadly, I can’t relax into it.
We stare at one another for a moment, but
still not sure what to say. I’m here, and I ha
gotten any further than that.
“Okay.” He pushes out a breath. “I’m go
start, because you seem to be out of w
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it’s all the same things I want to know about
How he grew up. His family. Why he’s here.
“I think the physical stuff is all here. I d
remember reacting to a woman like I do to y
I blush at the way he’s looking at me and
calling me a woman. I still think of myself
girl.
“So I think that part of us, if we get to b
“us” is here and will be easy.” He reaches
and runs his fingers down my arms, lighting
body on fire.I close my eyes and pray that I don’
anything stupid or embarrassing. I manag
nod. “Yes.” My voice cracks. “That’s all her
“So now maybe you and I get to decide i
match up here.” He touches his forehead
then mine. “And that’s the part I screwed
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because I knew how good it would feel to
you, and you were talking and so worried an
full of things to talk about, and I didn’t thin
ust had to know what you would taste like.”“Like burgers, right?” I try to tease, but r
am trying to swallow so I can breathe.
“Like you. And I want to know you m
etter .”
“But you live in Ireland,” I blurt out. Bec
that’s something that’s been comple
unspoken between us.“Geography.” He shrugs.
How can he be talking about starting s
kind of relationship and just ignore that we li
half a world away? “Yeah. Well. Kis
someone across an ocean doesn’t really work
me.”
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“So. You want to stop this before we e
give it a chance?”
“I can’t believe you put it all out there
this.” I shake my head.
“It’s my weird thing. I’ve got to h
everything in the open,” he says. “And,
talking doesn’t work either, does it?”
He’s right. Maybe the whole Jeff thing c
out of nowhere because we had our routine,
it’s just what we did. We didn’t take the tim
keep getting to know each other… I don’t kn“No. That doesn’t work either.” I s
toward him until our knees touch, and slide
hands down over his biceps, the crook of
arm, down his forearms until my fingers rest inhands, and he clasps his fingers with mine.
There are parts of me that never felt clos
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someone than I do right now. I decide I’m g
to take what I want. Or at least ask for it. I
forward until my lips press against his. He k
me back immediately and then pulls slightly awust enough so that our foreheads are touchin
“Are you sure?” he asks. “I want to know
the things about you still.”
“I know. I get that. But right now, I want
other part.”
“The physical part?” His voice coils around
lower belly and suddenly I’m burning hot.I answer him with a kiss. Suddenly I feel
an amateur kisser because he doesn’t fall into
rhythm that Jeff did where it felt like he was tr
to swallow my face. Liam’s taking his tTasting me. Sliding his fingers across
collarbone, behind my ear, through my hair,
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then trailing his lips down the same path. And
lip ring feels cool and strange and not a
awkward. I trail my tongue around it, pullin
moan from him.I’m floating in the rush of being this clos
him, and the moment I give his shoulders a
we’re lying on his bed. My fingers finally
through the hair I’ve admired, and his wrelaxes on top of me.
The warmth of his hands slides up the bac
my shirt, and I immediately stiffen. Too mToo close. Should it be?
“Sorry,” he whispers as he kisses my jaw l
“I just…” And no matter how har
concentrate to keep my cheeks from turningI can feel the heat creep up my neck. “
never… I mean. I…”
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He pulls away far enough so that I can se
eyes, but we’re still close enough that his w
breath hits my face.
“Never mind. I’m fine.” I look down.
He brushes the hair off my face. “Wait.”
Too intense. I can’t get away, so I close
eyes trying to avoid and ignore the scarlet thspread over my cheeks.
“Have you never had sex?”
“Is there another way you can phrase
question?” I pick at the design on his T-swhich suddenly needs my full attention.
“No.”
“No.”His lips meet mine. “I’m both amazed
baffled by you again.”
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“I know. I feel like the last person on
planet.”
“Is it a marriage thing, or…”
“It’s a Jody-being-picky thing.”
“Okay. I’m processing because it’s bee
while since I’ve been with someone…like y
he says carefully as he hovers above propped up on his elbows. “I don’t…”
“How about we pretend I didn’t
anything?”
“Not happening, but nice try.” He pullsclose as he rolls onto his back, and my head
perfectly on his chest, which has a lot more r
for resting than a certain other person I was
last. His hand rests comfortably on my waist
above my hipbone, and after only a few sec
being next to him like this, it almost feels like
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lie like this every day. Only the newness
makes me want to never leave.
“What do you want to do?” he asks a
plays with the ends of my hair. “With your limean.”
That was a jump. But maybe he’s proces
and helping me have a way out of a r
awkward conversation.
“I’m going for business right now becaus
my dad, and because it’s so versatile, bu
means I won’t be able to come back to caand I love it here.” Mostly I’m confused
conflicted, which seems to be a reoccu
theme in my life.
“But what will you do with your degrebusiness?”
“I don’t know.”
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“Why would you be in college if you we
passionate about it?” He shifts in bed to loo
me, but I don’t move.
“You obviously don’t have my parents.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “But you’re no
kind of girl who would just do something to m
someone else happy. Not that I’ve seen. So w
do you really want to do?”
“If there was camp all year long, I’d r
want to do that.” I chuckle and the s
movement against him makes me rememberI’m here. Close. With someone new. An
doesn’t feel as scary as I thought it would.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you’re goin
end up teaching at a boarding school?”
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chuckles.
“No. But I have thought about teaching. A
the head security guy, does it. And then he
to come back here every year. I wouldn’t ecare if it was here, but I do love being at cam
summer.” Love it to the point that a sum
without it feels…empty, and I’m not sure ho
change that. I keep waiting for that need there to go away with age, and it still hasn’t.
“I’d love to teach philosophy.” His fin
stroke my arm as I continue to lie on his chestakes a lot of school, though. I was working
tattoo parlor because I’ve always liked to d
and it seemed fun. The guys there are great
the tips are good. So I was going to school.”His words stop so suddenly that part of
knows there’s more to the story that he ma
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didn’t intend on telling me. “What brought
here?” I ask quietly.
He sighs. And then the pause is so long
I’m sure I’ve overstepped somehow. “My siJenny, got in with this bad guy. I hated him f
the beginning, but she wasn’t going to
deterred by me or my parents. She was st
home then.
“After a few months Jenny came to me
night to tell me all about him. All the things
done from drugs to petty thieving, to pretty mthieving, and he’d just talked with someone
about getting involved in some kind of
stealing ring—she’d accidentally walked in
them.“She was scared and I begged her to l
home and stay with me for a while. Once
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disappeared from her house and moved in
me, I saw some of the guys he hung with aro
the place where I worked, and I was scared
her.”My whole body is tense, waiting for him
continue.
“I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t keep her
me all the time. She called me to say she
going to get a few things from the store. I wa
to tell her not to. To stay home or let me do i
her, but I didn’t. She was found in a dumpsweek later.”
It’s so horrific that I’m stunned speechless
“I wanted to kill them. All of them. I found
of the guys before the authorities found her, abeat him near to death, trying to figure out w
they did with Jenny. I had to get out of there.
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would have killed each other. And Jenny. G
She was too young to die.”
I wrap my arm more tightly around his
aching for him.
He pulls in a few deep breaths. “That
almost a year ago now, and I can’t imagine
feeling like a failure. Bill’s been nice enough t
me stay here, even though he couldn’t keep
busy at first because really, I got here just
the summer season last year.”
“I’m just… I’m so—”“Sorry,” he finishes for me. “We’re all so
There’s more story to tell, but we can save i
another time.”
I’m lying next to him. Liam. And just like
became a stranger, Liam’s becoming fam
For the first time I see past all the things that
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attracted me, and he’s just Liam. This feels li
really, really good place to be.
Chapter Twenty-two
For the next week or so, Liam and I
together for all of my spare time. We talk awhat I’d teach if I became a teacher (Eng
and how we needs to go for the big degre
philosophy to teach on a campus the way
wants.I tell him about my very structured par
and being an only child. We don’t talk a
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Jenny, and I don’t talk about Jeff. But w
broken down the barriers that keep people
knowing each other, and that, to me, feels li
whole new world.
Now, Liam’s sitting against his headbo
and I’m straddling his lap, feeling very strongin control, and realizing that I might be able t
all the way. Maybe.
He kisses me with the same intensity as hetwo weeks ago when we were just ge
started. When his hands slide up the back o
shirt, I pull it over my head, feeling brave.
His thumbs trace underneath my bra, andfingers start to slowly touch the freckles on
stomach and shoulders. I should feel so expo
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sitting on him like this, but I don’t. Not really.
“If you’re going to try and find all my frec
we’ll be here all day.” I rest my hands over h
“That’s okay.” He smirks. “I’ve got a p
good view.”
I rest my hands on his face. “Stop. You
not real.” People don’t say things like that,unless they’re being completely cheesy.
“When I’m with someone I want to
completely present. Every moment has
potential to be something amazing. Why wyou let that slip by?”
“Are you really shooting for perfect here
trace his forehead and eyebrows. Run my fin
across his cheekbones and few days wort
stubble. Circle the place where his lip ring
He’s taken it out to keep it from getting in
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way of our kisses. I miss it, but he certainly
more flexibility without it.
“Life experience.” He takes a hand and k
my fingers. “I don’t want to miss anything.”
His words hit me hard. This is how I wan
be. How I want to live my life. I wonder if the
a way to soak him up and try to understand
he thinks this way so I can do it, too.
“I think I want you.” I’m breathless from
the kissing and all the thinking, and all
incredible things he thinks and feels. And I’m feeling all brave because I’m not weari
shirt and he’s looking and touching, and I’m
minding.
“You think so, huh?”
“I think so.” I lean forward, part my lips
kiss him again.
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He chuckles and backs away. “We’re
doing that until you need it. Until you feel
your body will crumple or explode or somet
if we don’t. Then we’ll go there. But not befodon’t want to screw this up.”
I tug on the bottom of his T-shirt and he s
it off immediately.
“This is enough.” His arms come around
pressing our skin together and I run my hand
and down his back and trace the designs on
shoulders and arms as we continue to kiss.I’m pretty sure tonight won’t be one of t
nights when we have a lot to say.
“You’re sure this is enough?”
He smiles a half-mischievous smile as he f
me on my back and hovers over the top of
“I’m gathering all the parts of you. Slowly. E
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the physical part. For now, this is defin
enough.”
Sam and Kay-Kay both disperse as soo
we hit the bar. I know right where I’m hea
Liam’s smile is wide as I lean against the b
wall and wait for him to have a moment.
He makes one by holding up a “one-seco
finger, jogging around the end of the counter
pulling me into him.“Hi.” My whole body melts and my ch
already hurt from smiling.
“Hi.” He leans in and kisses me. Once s
and once I feel between my toes and in ogood places, too.
When he pulls back I’m breathless
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stumble once as he walks away.
“Watch yourself,” he teases as he backs u
gotta work, but if you’re here when I tak
break, maybe I could get to know you betHe winks.
Instead of being afraid, I feel like he kn
enough about me to enjoy the teasing. That,
he’s careful with me when we’re alone—alw
pausing the moment I’m uncomfortable.
When I turn around Kay-Kay gives m
thumbs up as she wags her brows and poinLiam—wonder if she could be more obv
Sam’s nowhere to be seen. And then Jeff’s
are on me.
Oh. I feel this weird sort of swooshing thrmy body. Guilt, I guess, but there’s really
reason for me to feel guilty.
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Kay-Kay pulls me into her from the
“You must let that man deflower you so I
have details.”
“Aah!” I shove her away. “Can we pleasetalk about this anymore?”
She shrugs with her “Miss Innocent”
(which is crap) before turning back to the tab
first-year counselors. She’s giving them ad
I’m sure, which I’m also certain is cringe-wor
“Hey.” Jeff’s voice startles me.
I spin to face him. “What?”“Can we talk?”
“What. Now? I haven’t had my drink
Mostly I’m annoyed with him and want tohow he’ll react to me.
“Three minutes.”
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“Wait.” He grabs my arm but I shrug him o
half-turn to listen.
“I’m an ass. Okay? I did ask my mom fo
ring. It was before that weekend when we wgoing to use my parents’ condo, and w
maybe…”
I hold my hand up between us. “I remem
the plans.” For my deflowering .
embarrassing now.
“And then I got the flu.”
“And then things got weird.” They really dust didn’t see it. We attend different schools
I got busy.
“Marriage suddenly felt huge. Like a moun
Like everything. And all I could think was
since we got together so soon out of high sch
I never got to do the young, single guy thing.”
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“And now you can.” I pat his arm. “Good
you.”
“No.” He sighs and takes my hand, whi
immediately pull away. “I’m about to soundan asshole here, but I want to come clean so
can start over.”
My jaw drops because I can’t think of a si
reason why on earth I’d want any such thing.
“I really thought we could have some free
this summer, and then get serious again in
fall.” He cringes a little, which he should.“You’re right. You sound like an assh
Seriously. Save the ring for someone
because whether or not I was serious with L
after being stuck in the camp next to yourswatching you flirt with other girls, ther
absolutely no way I’d ever marry someone
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you.” I walk back to the door, flustered
angry and wanting Liam and wanting to leave
“Hey.” Kay-Kay rests her arm around m
got a call from Alex. Can we head back? Sagot a ride.”
“Give me a sec.” I sigh, still shaking in ang
I step up to the bar and Liam’s looking atwith a questioning face. “I’ve got to run.”
“Jeff?”
“Asshole.” I nod. “But Kay-Kay needs a
back.
“Maybe then I could swing your way?”
I smile before I mean to and the anger star
slip away. “I would love that.”He winks. “I’ll be there the moment I get o
“So will I.” In a big bundle of Jody-nerves
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Chapter Twenty-three
“Jeff’s mother is devastated.” Mom sighs
the phone. If I didn’t have Liam’s visit to
forward, I’m not sure if I could deal with her.
“Not my problem, Mom.”“What’s gotten into you?” Mom snaps.
“I’m busy here. This is a consuming job.”
“An underpaid job. That’s for sure,” mutters.
“Look. If you’re just going to continue to
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me all the ways you think I’m messing up my
I’m done.” I sigh and slump onto the b
outside the bathroom. It’s really not even w
getting angry over.“Sorry, hon. Will you make it home be
school starts?”
I start to tell her I’m not sure what’ll hap
for school because I’m second-gue
everything. “Sure.”
And then a text from Liam comes in,
Mom and I finish in a hurry. I’m by the lake. Come prepared to swim
I’m shaking as I tear through my swims
othing. Feeling reckless, I head to Kay-K
cabin, but she isn’t there. Fortunately, her tru
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open and right by the door. Her campers d
even wake when I sneak in with my flashlight
start digging through her things.
I find her black two-piece wadded nearbottom. I haven’t worn something like this
probably never.
Before I have time to panic, I race to
bathroom, rip off my clothes, tie on the bikini
grab a towel.
Tiptoeing through camp isn’t easy and a
stray giggles come from more cabins than Irene’s house is on the way to the lake and I
the long way to avoid it, which means I have
long to think about what I’m doing. Who
meeting.I see his bare back as soon as I hit the d
and suck in a breath to push away some o
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nerves.
“Jody.” He turns with a smile and then fre
as he watches me.
“Hey.” I drop my towel next to him,
haven’t found the guts to sit down. Not yet.
with him wearing only shorts, and me
something that feels scandalously tiny.
“So.” He stands and looks down on
“Going for a swim seemed like a perfect
until I got here, and realized I’d never swum
lake, and that it was a bit colder thaexpected.”
Instead of staring at his abs and running
fingers across his chest, which would sta
round of something I’m not sure I’m ready fgo for teasing.
“You’re doing it all wrong.” I shake my he
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“How’s that?” He smirks.
“You’re testing the water with your
ever a good idea. You have to run and ju
and then it’s not so bad.”
“Run and jump.” He’s stoic. Process
maybe.
“Like a kid.”“Okay, then.” He takes my hand. “Run
ump. Will ye jump with me, Jody?” he te
“So I don’t get scared?”
“Only if you can keep up.” I giggle, whicridiculous, but I’m too nervous to do anyt
else.
And I realize how sort of ideal this is becaucan stand here and see his body and hav
make my insides melt all over each other, b
can tease him, too.
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“You are such a mix of strong and uncert
he says.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you order little kid drinks wit
even caring, and your T-shirts and how st
you are physically and you’re wicked smart,
then, with people, it’s like you forget
incredible you are.”
“Oh.” I stare at the dock.
“You’re just as strong and amazing here. W
me. As you are when you’re running.” touches my cheek with our hands. “I promise
We walk toward the shore, and I turn
around at about midpoint, needing a distractio
“Far enough back?” He chuckles.
“Barely, but it’ll do.” I’m still reeling from
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thought that he thinks I’m strong.
He leans toward me, the muskiness of
mixed with the beer and smoke of the L
Minnow fill my nose. “I don’t think your swimis at all appropriate, and I’m loving every inc
your skin that it’s leaving uncovered.”
My cheeks start to heat up so I decide no
when we run. “Now!”
He doesn’t let me have my hand back
we’re airborne off the end of the dock.
He comes up sputtering. “You’re a liar, JoMy balls are shrinking it’s so cold!”
“Shhh!” I splash him, but his hands find
under the water, pulling us together.
“You’ll keep me warm then?” he whisp
Water slides from his hair down his face,
instead of wimping out I kiss him, sucking
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cold drops from his lips.
He lifts me easily in the water, and I wrap
legs around his waist as he tightens his grip on
back.
Turns out we both only needed one short
in, and now we’re running, freezing, through
dark and headed for the showers.
“Am I allowed to be in here with you?
teases as he presses against my back, and I on the light.
“No.” I turn and pull him closer as I bac
into a stall and turn on the hot water.
He closes his eyes and stands underneath
spray, letting the water fall down over his b
Instead of thinking, I pull a string and drop
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top on the shower floor.
His gaze finds me immediately and we’
tangled mess of arms, legs, tongues, bo
barely able to stand under the pelting water.gasping for air, every bit of desire I’ve felt aro
him is amplified by a million as we f
undressing and begin to explore.
My hands wander everywhere. All the
places he’s soft, and the many places he’s h
and I lean against him and just feel. Take him
The hot water. My skin. His skin.“Do you remember how you said that I’ll
like I’ll crumple if I can’t, and that’s when
would?” I can’t catch a real breath.
“I remember.” His lips trail down my neck
“I’m crumpling.” I want you.
“No. I can’t, Jody.” He stops kissing to
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at me. “Too soon. You’ll hate me later.”
“Please.” I slide my hands to his hips and
him against me.
He groans. “I don’t have anything. I m
This is too fast. I didn’t come prepared.”
“Oh.” I let my hands slide back up his s
amazed at how okay it all feels because wnaked . Together.
“But I still don’t want to go home just y
that’s okay.” A corner of his mouth pulls up
could stay and make sure you get properly doff.”
“Okay.” Only way more than okay. Per
Good. And I’m maybe the slightest
disappointed, but I shouldn’t be because
known him for weeks, not years. And more
that, there’s a million kinds of comfort in know
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he didn’t even come prepared. Because
enough.
Liam is definitely worth getting to know be
Chapter Twenty-four
The fifteen miles to see him feels like nothLike I could run forever. Having rewards a
end of a long distance run is a really good wa
do it. About three miles in, I hit my stride
relax into the rhythm. At mile twelve I thinkgoing to die, but I know there are only a
more to go. When I can see the Little Minno
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slow to a walk so I can actually breathe wh
get there.
I rest my hands on my head to stretch
lungs when Bill steps out and smiles. “Hey thgirl!”
“Hey!” I wave.
“I don’t think Liam was expecting you He’s not back from shopping. He’s stocking
for me.”
“That’s fine.” I pant. “Gives me a chanc
catch my breath and start really stinking upplace.”
He grins. “Come on in, and I’ll get you s
water.”
I step inside his small home. It’s definite
bachelor pad. Random papers clutter the cou
and table, the furniture is worn, but the TV on
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wall is enormous and new.
A small picture of a girl rests on top of a
on his table and I cock my head to look be
She looks so much like me it’s eerie.
“Who’s this?”
“That was Liam’s girl. The one who was k
last year.”My heart pounds in a whole new rhythm.
that’s a mix of disbelief and fear rather than
run.
“Oh. I somehow got the impression it wasister.” I shake my head, trying to ignore
mess that’s happening inside me.
“Maybe you got that impression becauwas her brother who was involved in all sor
nasty business. She walked in on him and a
of his up-to-no-good friends and
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disappeared.” He rips open a bag of chips
grabs a small handful. “They found her a
days later, but she’d been dead for days. L
still struggles with it.”“Yeah…” My fingers shake as I pick up
girl’s picture. There are definite differences.
face is more angular, and she’s wearing mak
making her like me, but much prettier.
“Jenny’s parents sent that stuff to him a co
days ago.” Bill hands me a glass of water,
I’m afraid to drink it because my stomachknots.
I set the water on the table and turn tow
the door, picture in hand. “I’ll wait outside.”
“Suit yourself.” Bill pops open a beer flops into a chair at the table.
I’m stunned. Shocked. Used .
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God. I’m such an idiot. It has nothing to
with me. Nothing. Tears burn my eyes and
with the sweat, making my face a salty mess
course. Jeff didn’t want me. Not really. ALiam only wanted me because of her.
It’s as if a weight’s been strapped to my ch
It hangs on my back and my shoulders
makes me stumble down the stairs.
“Watch yourself.” Liam smirks as he grabs
arm to steady me.
Anger rips through me as I shove humiliation away.
“Your sister?” I hold the picture between u
“Fuck,” he whispers. “It was the truth I c
give you then, Jo.”
“It wasn’t the truth at all!” I toss the pic
step around him and start up the road. My
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are too shaky to run.
“I know what you’re thinking.” He jog
keep up.
“I’m a stupid ass for thinking you’d like m
knew it from the beginning, and now I get it.
why you took an interest in me. It had nothin
do with me!”
“Please let me give you a ride.” He reache
my arm, but I jerk it away. “Let me explain.”
“No! You don’t want to talk to me right n
Liam.” I spin to face him, fury filling every pamy body to replace the humiliation was
through me. “Leave me the hell alone! I alr
had my heart broken once this summer. I r
didn’t need for it to happen again!”
I start to run this time, jogging first and
faster.
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“Jody!” He yells. “Jody, please!”
I don’t stop. Don’t slow. I’m not sure how
I’ll make it, but I have to get away.
Alex picks me up a few miles later.
incredibly lucky he was in town. We rid
silence. He glances at me a few times, but I d
offer any information and he doesn’t
anything.
“Thanks for the ride,” I mumble as he pula stop in the parking lot.
“No problem.” He pauses outside his
door, and opens his mouth like he’s going to
something else.
“Yes?” I ask.
“Will you be back next year?”
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“I don’t know. I want to be, but I’ll
graduating if I decide to graduate, and then w
and…” And all the things I’m not sure about.
“I’m asking because I won’t be here, Kay-Kay might not either. I’d recommend
for my spot if you want it. They’ll take my
They already love you.”
“I really should be a teacher like you.” A
wonder what’s up with Kay-Kay? Better
thinking about my mess.
He grins. “You’d be fabulous, Jody. If what you want to do.”
“It might be.” But I might need a little m
time to figure it out. Or a lot. I apparently c
make it through a summer without turning myinto a disaster.
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Chapter Twenty-five
I hate that Liam’s all I can think about. I that there’s no explanation he can give me th
make me feel okay with how he lied, and
irlfriend . What a ridiculous cliché thing for
to be a part of. Replacing the old girlfriend someone who looks just like her.
I haven’t known him long enough for th
tear at me the way it is. I wish so hard I d
look like her. I want him to want me.
I pick up my phone. “Mom.” For once s
not the last person I want to talk to.
“I haven’t heard from you, and I saw that
hadn’t registered for classes yet.”
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“It’s because I’m thinking of taking a yea
and changing my major.” Best to get it all
now. Might as well piss off the world. And it’
like her to log in to my student account to chup on me.
“What?” she sputters. “This is the first
heard of this.”
“Because you don’t listen when I talk to
Mom.”
Silence.
“Was there a purpose for your call?” I ask“With only a few days left in your camp, w
thought that us and Jeff’s parents and you
should get together for something infor
Maybe test the water for you both.”
My hand shakes I’m squeezing my phon
hard. “Mom. He’s a man who dumped me a
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beginning of the summer, knowing he was g
to try to get me back at the end of the summ
he could sleep around. Is that who you want
daughter to marry?”There’s a choking sound on her end of
line. I’m not sure if she’s angry or shocked or
believing me.
“Look, Mom. I’m not mad at you.” Mo
“I’m just… I think I need to take some time
me. And I also think that I don’t know wh
want to do and that seems like a kind of crthing to decide before I finish a degree.”
“Well.” She sighs. “Whatever you thin
best.”
Only I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean itI’ll take it anyway. “Thanks, Mom.”
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When I step outside there’s a cold Sh
temple on my small porch next to an envelo
quickly scan the trees for any sign of Liamsee nothing.
I pick up the drink and figure it’s as goo
way as any to start my day. I drink it down
stare at the letter.
The horn sounds as the sign to start one o
last days of camp. I stuff the envelope in
pocket to wait until I can actually concentrateWe do canoe races and I join Kay-Ka
archery. She seems off again, which to me m
that all’s not well with her and Alex. I hope
gets some sort of resolution there.
“What’s going on with you?” Sam nudges
hip with hers and I lean into her.
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“A mess. A big freaking mess.”
“You too, huh?”
“You okay?” I ask suddenly worried.
“In some ways.” She nods a bit, crypti
ever and wanders off toward the kitchen.
At this point I want the summer to be over
can be somewhere else. But if I’m not goingo back to school, I’ll end up at home. May
should register for classes.
The bell rings for lunch and instead of pic
up food, I walk to the end of the dock Liam’s note clutched in my hand.
Jody –
I can’t know how you feel right now, b
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know you hurt, and I know it’s because of
and that’s killing me. My attraction to yo
someone who looks like her ended as soo
ou ordered that drink. Because in that instant you became Jody instead of some
who looked like Jenny.
I would love to be able to tell you that
look nothing alike. Sometimes I wish didn’t. But you do. It doesn’t matter. No
me. You know how when you start to k
someone. Really know them. They don’t l
like the person you first laid eyes on. The
not the stranger anymore. They becom
soul, a personality, an entity outside of
they talk or what they look like beca
they’re familiar. They’ve become a par
ou.
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I know I should have told you the w
truth the other night, but you have to k
how completely responsible I feel for
death. She should have never left the flshould have made sure.
I wanted you to know that part of me, b
wasn’t ready to reveal the whole thing
should have told you all or told you nothot lied. I’m so sorry.
I’m still trying to decide whether I wan
stay here or to go home for a while. I henough cash saved up for a bit o
backpacking trip around Europe, so I m
try that, too. I know I’m about to sound…
un-tough, but I miss you like crazy. AlreaMaybe I’m hoping you’ll join me for som
my adventure this year. My chest aches. T
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is my honesty, and what I need to tell you.
You are someone I could fall for. Th
want to fall for. That I am falling for. I do
want that to be over.
Liam
I love and hate that he knows everythi
needed to hear. I’m terrified to forgive. Wh
I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t know his
heart? What if I end up in another Jeff situwhere it appears one way, but is actu
another?
I stand and walk under the large pavilion f
with teenage girls. They’re starting to realizecamp won’t last forever and that they’re he
home soon. They have so much ahead of th
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So much to learn. And I could be a part of th
But not now. Not yet. I don’t know m
well enough to think I could teach anyone
But a year off is exactly what I need. I just nto figure out where to spend it. And if I have
strength to talk to Liam before I go.
Chapter Twenty-six
“So, it’s official, huh?” Kay-Kay asks. “Yo
be in Alex’s job next year?”“Yep.” I nod. “And I’m taking the year
school. I think my mom is about to hav
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aneurism, but I’m okay with this.”
“And you very sadly were not deflowere
the Irish guy.” Sam sighs.
I close my eyes. “It’s such a mess.”
“Well, I’m in a mess, too.” Kay-Kay g
“But it’s a really good one to be in.”
“Yeah. Costa Rica with your man fosummer?” Sam shoves her. “Sounds pretty
to me.”
It should sound ideal to all of us.
I sigh. “I still keep seeing this other girl’s f
and I can’t get over it.”
“But it sounds like he’s over it.” Kay-K
voice is soft.“I just don’t know how I feel about the w
thing. If I can trust him.”
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“Do you know how you’ll feel not talkin
him again? Not knowing about him? Wher
ends up… What you two could have had. Th
what pushed me forward,” Kay-Kay says.My gut seizes up. “I don’t want to think a
that. I really… I want him. But I want
without all the complication.”
Sam laughs. Then laughs harder. “Every
comes with a clusterfuck, Jo. Everyone. But
everyone comes in a package that gets you,
is fucking perfect in every way but the one he explained away perfectly. Am I right in thi
My heart starts speeding. “Yes.”
“I think we need to get you an Irishm
Kay-Kay stands up, grabs my hand and pullsto my feet.
“I’m a mess.” I look down.
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“He’s seen you worse.” Sam rolls her e
“What we need is the perfect T-shirt.”
“I’ve got it!” Kay-Kay grins as she tugs on
white tee. “We’ll make one. Where’s sharpie?”
I’m an insane mix of happiness, excitem
anticipation and dread. What if he’s given u
me? What if he’s gone home?
What if… What if a million other thingsmight go wrong?
But the worst what-if would be: what if he
I could have been something great and I let it
away? I stomp on the gas, wishing my car wa gutless, earth-friendly machine.
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Liam steps out of his cabin and freezes w
he sees me. His eyes are wary and rimmed
dark circles.
“I…” I cough to find my voice, but
stronger than this. “I had to see you before I l
“Jody. I’ve missed you.”I take a few steps toward him, putting us
a few feet apart. Close enough that I could r
out and touch him.
He glances down at my scribbled on T-sand nerves start all over again. It suddenly
uvenile and way too forward.
“I think you might be someone I could fa
love with, “ he reads.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” I try to smi
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show I’m joking, but also that I’m not jokin
all.
I step closer and rest my hands on his c
His heart’s beating as hard as mine. He lodown, and instead of staring down or at
chest, I look in his eyes. “I’m taking the yea
school. I want to figure out all the ways
strong, and…” I swallow twice before findingvoice again. “And I’d really like to do som
that with you.”
He rests his hands on my waist. “I think I nto re-phrase what your T-shirt says.”
“Oh.” Uncertainty creeps in until his h
tighten around my lower back, pulling
together.“I think you might be someone I didn’t in
to fall for, but already have.”
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“That’s better.”
“Definitely better,” he whispers as his
brush against mine. “Does this mean you’
oining me this year?”
“For some of whatever you’re doing, or a
it, or whatever.” I take a small pinch of his sh
“I want to do it with you, too.” He smirks.of it.”
All of it. Everything. Mostly, everything we
right now is full of possibilities and maybes, a
love it.“I’m so sorry, Jody. Anything you wan
know, I’ll tell you.”
“We can save that for later. We have timeHis smile splits his face. “That sounds perf
“So. Kay-Kay and Sam gave me this bo
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condoms in an attempt to totally humiliate
and I have a week before I’m due home f
few days, and it started to feel like a challe
You know. To get to the bottom of the boxslide my hands around his waist, pulling our
together. “I wondered if you’d want to help
with that.”
His rests his cheek on mine. “Where dithis bravery come from?”
“From realizing that I can enjoy each
every minute, or I can be afraid of what mhappen. It seems like everything will be w
doing if I allow all the small moments to be a
part of me.”
“Very wise.” His lips brush mine as he spe“This really hot guy taught me all of that.
one day he’s going to be a brilliant philoso
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professor whose female students will sw
when he enters the room.”
“I’m yours, Jody. And I accept y
challenge.” He lifts me up and throws me oveshoulder, both of us suddenly laughing.
“Now,” he asks. “Where’s that box?”
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Sam
Chapter Twenty-seven
Another text. I know who it’s from befo
check my phone. Which I shouldn’t do, but anyway.
Sam. I’m sorry. I’m not mad. But pleas
me know where you are. I just want to tal Guilt seizes me again. I have to stop chec
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So, it’s not that I’m thrilled to be teachin
camp for my second year. It’s that I’m thrille
be anywhere but home. Any place that allow
to disappear for a while is a good thing.The hoards of girls arrive in a few days
Kay-Kay and Jody, my sanity in this mess,
be here tomorrow.
Tonight. The camp is mine.
I light up a cigarette and head out toward
docks. The smoke is as close to the city as
gong to get for a while. I won’t be gone for enough, I’m sure. But maybe Nate’ll have g
up on me by the time I go back.
If I go back.
There are too many fucking if’s in my life now. I used to love that. It meant possibility,
that my future was wide open.
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I suck in another drag. Even the gorgeous
of the unknown has been taken from me.
Why the hell did he have to do this? If
ust have kept his mouth shut, we’d stilscrewing around, and…
Fuck. I can’t think about this anymore. I
my cigarette into the water.
“Those things will kill you, you know,” A
says behind me.
So much for alone.
“Yeah. Well…” There’s nothing I could sasave myself from seeming too deep right n
I’m thinking too deeply, and there are
comebacks when your brain isn’t in that plac
He pauses for a moment longer, but I d
want to talk to anyone right now, and don’t
to face him. Polite chit-chat with someo
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barely know is not why I showed up a day e
I’ll have to do that way too soon. Prob
starting tomorrow with all of the welcome b
to being happy camp counselors bullshit.I hear Alex’s sigh and then his footsteps a
retreats. I stare at the lake a minute longer
breathe in. I’ll never get used to the loons. E
having been here before, the loons calling to other still jars me, hits me in this weird way
sort of makes me want to cry.
I wipe the sweat off my brow, and realiquick swim might be perfect. I strip down to
bra and panties, not really giving a shit who m
be lingering around and jump in the water. I d
really do lakes as the notion of minnows nipat my girl parts freaks me out, but at this p
it’s the easiest way to get me out of my head.
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ootball are apparently asking to get the c
beat out of them.”
“And you fought back?”
My fingers continue figure-eighting ove
knuckles. Nate. In a fight. Weird.
“Not the first time, but after the third t
had to. My dad actually told me to. Sawas never going to hear the end of it unle
showed them they couldn’t mess with me.
“Wow. How come you didn’t play o
sports? Was it just because of your familybeing dancers?”
“Partly. But really, I’ve always loved it.
robably have found it even without th
They just made it easier for me to keep d
it. So yeah, it’s harder. I don’t always fit
with everyone, and I’m shy so I didn’t ta
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lot in class. But I’ve never really needed a
of friends, you know?”
I nod. “Yeah. I get that.”
“Sometimes it only takes is one awes
erson and that’s really all you need.”
The lump in my throat is too big
swallow. His arms wrap around me tigand the ache in my heart threatens
overwhelm me.
“Just one awesome person,” he rep
and smoothes my hair behind my ear.
Kay-Kay throws her arms around mesecond she steps into the cabin, n
suffocating me on my bed.
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Jody appears in the doorway behind her
gives me a wave.
Kay-Kay immediately flops on the bed ne
mine, putting our heads close together.
“Who’s Sam’s co-counselor?” Kay-
asks. “Didn’t you help with all that?”
Jody doesn’t even have to pause to tabout it. “Ray. She’s sweet, and p
easygoing. Should be good.”
“Thanks.” I think. It’s weird that Jody is
of “above” us this year.When Jody sits carefully on the bed ac
from me, I wonder again at what keeps he
ood at twenty-one.
“How’s things?” Kay-Kay props her chin
her hands and stares at me with wide eyes.
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She has no idea what a loaded question th
I glance between the two girls and open
mouth to tell them everything. To tell them
my job teaching dance at Mable’s in Bostothe best thing I’ve ever been a part of. How
in there like I don’t fit in anywhere. How I m
actually be able to make a career out of dan
something no one thought I’d be able to do
And then I could tell them about how N
and I started dancing together, and how with
as a partner we’ve become unstoppaHeaded to the big leagues in ballroom next y
How my relationship with him surprised the
out of me. How I fucked it all up by run
away…“I’m back in this fucking mess for ano
summer.” I grin too wide. “Life is perfect.”
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“Well, it’s about to get a lot better.” Kay-
umps to standing. “Tonight will be the first n
at the Little Minnow, and I plan on ge
wasted.”“Perfect.” I glance at Jody. “You still
driver?”
“Yep.” She pulls a knee up to look like s
comfortable, but I don’t think she’d bother b
friends with Kay-Kay and I outside of ca
ot because she thinks she’s too good for
but because we shock the hell out of her regularity.
It’s become a bit of a game for me, but
not to push her too far. Usually.
They spend the next half hour telling me atheir years while I unpack the rest of my c
We have an all staff cook-out but then a
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night for everyone before the campers arrive.
Little Minnow will be packed, but I don’t
because hopefully it’ll numb me from all the
From the cyclone of questions pinging aroundhead.
Chapter Twenty-eight
The Little Minnow. Another shithole. A be
a beer, but this place needs to be torn dow
they can start over. Kay-Kay has frieverywhere, and if there’s people to talk
she’s good. Sweet little Jody breathes it in
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she actually likes it here.
My gut seizes up when I recognize two gu
hooked up with last year—sitting at the s
table and giving me eyes at the same time.
I guess if neither notices the other, I’m o
Or, if they do, I might not have to worry abo
repeat. If memory serves me well, I don’t t
either was exceptional. No. Wait. Jerry… T
was something about Jerry. It’ll come.
Nate is exceptional. My chest caves in a
name. Nope. Nate doesn’t get to be here ton
I’ve known for years that I wouldn’t find
future at twenty, if ever, and it’s time that
knows it, too.
Kay-Kay dashes to the bar, and I try a p
smile to the small table of girls she was cha
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up.
Okay Jerry… It’s starting to come bac
me. Maybe if I can get him to notice me wit
the guy next to him whose name I shprobably remember since we hooked up
summer…Jerry. Now I remember—he gene
has a small stash of weed in his pockets.
I lean against Kay-Kay who’s chatting u
few girls I don’t know. They’ve looked me
and down enough times that I don’t care to k
them. I don’t come out here to be grungy “one with nature” like they obviously do. I c
out here to be away from my family and to
paid to dance.
I take a few long swallows of the beer KKay set in my hand, which lifts up the front o
shirt and hopefully shows enough stomach
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Jerry to notice.
He does. His eyes are on me when I se
beer down. As I move toward the back do
tilt my head and raise a brow, hoping he folloThis is good. I need distraction, and I nee
move on so I don’t crumple a little every tim
think about Nate.
Jerry follows. Guys are so fucking easy
head nod and a strip of skin, and they’re toas
“Long time, no see, Jerry.” I sit on the
bench out back and cross my legs. Thank Gthought to wear short shorts—not that I bro
much else.
“You know. I’ve imagined you a million ti
over the past year, and you still manage tohotter than my fantasy.”
It takes all my willpower not to laugh a
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cheesy line, but he is a bit of a dork, so I sh
probably cut him some slack.
“Thanks.”
He’s pale from probably spending a lot of
indoors. Wonder if his parents had to drag
out of the house to come here as a kid. He
next to me on the park bench and immedi
rests his arm on the inside of my thigh. Rela
casual, but I can see how nervous it makes
by how his other hand is twitching and how
won’t look at me. I wonder how many girls been with.
Not many, I’d guess. Maybe only the
who know what he’ll do for them.
But his hand shouldn’t be there becausate.
Hell. Is this what it’s like to hav
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conscience? Because I’m about done. Nate
thousand miles away, and I didn’t even mea
start dating him anyway.
“So…I…”
“Wanna get high and fool around?” I ask.
“Um… I don’t… I mean. I had to quit.”
scratches his head full of bland brown hair won’t meet my eyes.
“You had to quit?” I snort. “Why?”
“Got caught. I had to beg to let them take
back to be a counselor this year, but I need tin for UA tests pretty often if I’m gonna
around. It’s that I’ve come here for so m
years, they were still willing to give me a chan
“Well, fuck, Jerry.”
“I’m cool with the fool around part, thou
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He tries to tease, but has to take another
swallow.
He reminds me of that geeky guy who did
voice of the kid in How To Train Your Dra— me comparing him to a cartoon is probab
dead giveaway that I should not have invited
out here. He’s not really worth fooling aro
with if I’m not high. So much for distraction.
“There you are!” Kay-Kay busts out the b
door. “Our team is up for darts.”
Just in time.Jerry’s got crushing disappointment on
face, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to th
him a bone. Kay-Kay drags me inside
orders us both another beer. I ask for a shot mine and ignore the question in Kay-Kay’s fa
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A beer and two more shots later and
numb in the perfect way. A guy at the
board’s been eyeing me for the last few minand his hotness almost makes me forget N
He slides behind me and asks if I want to
out songs on the juke box with him.
It’s a backwoods bar. Of course it has a j
box.
I stand in front of him, scanning the songs,
feel his hardness brush up against my ass. YThis might be the perfect distraction from Na
“Can I get you another shot?” he whisp
and then turns me around so he’s leaning
me, his sort of disgusting breath in my face.
I close my eyes and prepare for his kiss
instead feel an elbow in my side.
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“Sam, we’re rolling.” Kay-Kay sound
serious, but I’m not ready to go yet. I’m
getting started with my distraction.
“No way. We’re just getting to know other.”
Kay Kay narrows her eyes. “Matt, right?”
“Yeah.” He smiles a fairly gorgeous sm“Yeah. I’ll give her a ride home.”
I stumble a couple times, not realizing
much I’ve had to drink. I’m fuzzier tha
thought. “He’ll give me a ride home.”Kay Kay says something else, but all I he
herpes.
Oh. Matt. The STD guy. Crap. Manumbing wasn’t the best call tonight. Th
Christ for my friends. Kay-Kay has a rada
when I’m about to make an ass out of myself
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I leap from Matt and practically throw m
on Kay-Kay and Jody. “Thanks,” I whisper.
Kay-Kay pats my back. “I don’t think we
nearly drunk enough tonight. Maybe our night off, huh?” She glances behind us as
head inside. “And not fucking Matt. God. H
some standards.”
I feel a twinge of guilt or anger, but it fades
because she’s right. Now I feel a little stu
which really isn’t going to help me forget a
the Nate situation.I grab Jody, who has stopped at the ba
our way out, and she jumps as she tears her
away from Liam—the delicious new additio
the bartending staff at the Little Minnow. Wohow much Mr. Irish will make in tips sho
down the front of his pants by horny girls
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kids. I swear our short week before cam
arrived was longer last year. This year sped b
a haze of a few more drunken nights at the L
Minnow, Kay-Kay stealing too-long glanceAlex, and Jody blushing at every fucking thi
say.
The back side of the shed near Kay-K
targets was a good spot last year, so I wandthat direction. As soon as I step around
corner, I nearly run into a string-bean of a La
girl with a lazy expression and a cigarette in
mouth.
“Give me that.” I snatch it from her, and
ust about to toss it to the ground when I re
she’s just barely started. “And the rest, toohold out my hand and she sighs, pulling the
from her shorts.
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“Now…” Now what? “Go back to
cabin.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me who I am?”
rests her hands on her hips.
“Who are you?” God I suck at this ‘being
authority’ stuff they lectured us on last week.
“Paloma Valdez. And you’re welcome tomy parents, but they already pulled a few str
I’m here all summer instead of just one ses
so I’m guessing nothing will happen, and I w
be sent home.”“Thanks for the smokes, Paloma. Go find
cabin.” I lean against the shed and dare he
argue.
She doesn’t.
As soon as she’s gone, I give the pac
shake. Nice. Almost full. That’s good.
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already running low. Being on the run has m
me twitchy. I take a long drag and try to men
prepare for a night with kids. They really sh
not have hired me for this gig.
After a morning of beginning cheerleadin
involving mostly poms and elementary squealing, I’m about out of cheer.
And I was looking forward to advance da
but the girls who take dance during the scyear are the worst to teach. I start by ma
sure they can all do the moves in the routin
teach them, and instead of just doing the sp
showed them, they add an extra turn, or a kicthe end, just to make sure I know how incred
skilled they are. Please. Almost all of these
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will end up as over-manicured housewives in
years, and unless they marry rich enough
personal trainers and gym memberships, th
be twice the size they are now after poppinga couple of kids.
Who the fuck would want that?
The thought of Nate pinpricks at my c
again, because he’ll want that. Nate will defin
want the whole thing—picket fence, garden,
house, quiet street—all things that make me w
to run screaming. Which I guess I did.One of the girls interrupts me as I explain w
we’re doing next because I’m adding s
ballroom moves into our routine this year.
“I was always taught that you should start both feet flat on the ground, not on your to
Pink girl scowls. I don’t know their names ye
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for now, they’re the color I imagine them to b
“In dancing, you are almost always on
toes.” I stare and dare her to contradict me.
“Fine.” Her eyes widen slightly, and I cont
to stare, still daring her to roll them. She does
Just when I think I might die of boredom
teaching these girls the basic steps of the cha, the bell rings to signal the end of the day
The older girls never ask if they’re excu
ust take off.
Fine with me. The heat and exhaustion the day catch up to me, and I flop on the gra
stare at the sky. The intense sun is ridiculous,
I keep hoping for a day in the water. I’d e
brave minnow nips of my girl parts for a brea
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“Did you ever think of going to colleg
ate’s hands are on my hips and he’s danc
behind me, the studio mirrors reflecting b
our movements.“Yeah. But not right away,” he answ
and nuzzles my ear. My heart beat quick
“I sort of wanted to see how far dan
could take me before my body gave out onand I couldn’t do it anymore.”
Feeling the strong smoothness of
movements guiding mine, I don’t think body will ever give out on him.
“Huh. Yeah. I can see that.”
“What about you?”
I shake my head. “That ship kind of sa
ot really my scene anyway. I’m ha
academically inclined.”
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Nate turns me around and looks at
intently. “I think you could do anything
wanted.”
“Don’t do that,” I whisper.
“Do what, baby?”
“Don’t make me better than I am.”
“Sam? You have a sec?” Alex asks.
“Sure.” I sit up and tug my tank back dowit hits the top of my shorts. Almost.
“Uh…” He looks suddenly uncertain.
“Spit it out, Alex. Get a complaint against
or something?” I ask as I fish in my oversizedfor a piece of gum.
I run into two bottles of sleep aid before I
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the Orbit.
“I know you teach dance, and that you n
to wear clothes that you can move in…”
shifts his weight a few times, which really like him.
“But,” I prompt.
“But it’s a half step above a bathing suit. got Kay-Kay running around without a bra
wearing propaganda T-shirts, you wea
nothing, and Jody who works the girls so
they nearly collapse at the end of their stime.”
“You noticed Kay-Kay’s lack of bra?” I fi
this is the easiest way to get him to walk away
True to form he looks flustered for a h
second before attempting to make his poi
second time. “If you have shorts with ano
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inch or two, that would be great.” But he doe
bother making eye contact.
“I’ll ask Kay-Kay to wear a bra, if you r
want me to talk to her about her boobs.” I manage to not smile.
Alex sighs before wiping his forehead
moving away. “We’re probably going to d
water day tomorrow. Remember that this isn
topless beach.”
One for Alex.
“Yes sir!” I shout as he moves away. I deven mean for it to come out disrespectful, b
probably does. Force of habit.
Dinner’s being served, but I’m in no moo
eat. Being away from my apartment, everything, and everyone that entails isn’
freeing as I thought it would be.
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As I needed it to be.
And instead of leaving my phone in my
where it belongs, I torture myself and pul
ate’s texts.
Really, I should pull my toenails out becau
would be less painful. I start at the top anyw
Again.
Sam, where are you? We were going
rehearse tonight. I’m starting to get worr
You’re never running this late.
Funny you should ask, Nate. Because at
point in time I was packing a few bags
throwing them in the car before you made it bto our building and knocked on my door.
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Sam. I’m really getting worried.
I was pulling out of my parking space…
Okay. I’m officially starting to freak
You’re not at home. You’re not at the stu
Your car is gone. Please just send me a tex
tell me you’re okay.
And this is when I should have sent him a
I should have just said— I need space. should forget about me. But I didn’t. Bec
I’m sick and twisted enough to love that
worried about me. That he’s freaking out wh
wasn’t where I said I’d be, even thoughshould have thought— Flaky Sam.
surprised she didn’t show.
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The thing is, I haven’t been able to be f
Sam. Not around him. I haven’t wanted to
He was a good dance partner. The best. If
stuck around, we’d have really gone places. lump in my throat has gotten too big to swallo
Why did he have to push things? Why cou
he have been gay like every other ballr
dancing partner I’ve ever had. Why?
Sam. I’m at your apartment. It’s a
midnight. The cops won’t do anything. heart’s pounding at the thought of you be
somewhere and needing my help. God, I
ou.
And that right there is the reason I left.
telling me he loved me was sort of a
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giveaway that he didn’t know me the way he
he did. So, even after that text I’m hor
enough to have waited hours before sending
one pathetic line.
I’m safe.
I knew when I hit send that I should have
him I couldn’t deal. That he shouldn’t k
writing me, but feeling needed…wanted…
crave it and I hate it all at once. Nate’s becmy replacement drug, and the sooner he fig
that out and runs, the better. I just gave hi
head start by taking off early.
This is why getting involved with people might mean something doesn’t work. They h
and follow you even when they’re a thou
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miles away.
Chapter Thirty
I’m not in the mood for a phone call from
brother. He’s perpetually optimistic, and c
figure out why I have such a bad attitude alife—his words, not mine.
It’s not my attitude that sucks, I always
him, it’s my life.
I usually get the eye roll that I can totally
even over the phone.
This time he doesn’t even wait for me to
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hello. “I was just at your apartment, where I
a very nice black man who is apparently not
your dance partner, as you would have
believe, but someone who knows you enough to have a key to your apartment. S
I’m the only person you’ve ever let have a ke
your apartment, and I had to bribe you to g
and Nate has one, I’m thinking he’s someimportant in your life.”
“Austin, I really don’t need—”
“Nice try, but I’m not finished.” He doeeven pause. “He said you were suppose
meet him over a week ago, never showed,
he hasn’t seen your car since. I don’t k
where you are, and that, my little sister, isacceptable.” He lets out a huff, his gay
specialty, and waits for my explanation.
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“I’m not telling you where I am witho
promise of silence.” I keep my voice
enough that I might get some sympathy instea
another lecture that’ll be the equivalent oAustin bitch-slap—his words, not mine.
“So. This is serious.”
“Do you promise you won’t tell?” I ask.
“Fine. I promise. But that Nate is tasty, Sa
“I don’t want to talk about Nate!” I tak
breath after shrieking into the phone, which
not totally intend on doing.“Did he do someone else? Because he doe
seem like the type.” I can picture Austin n
shaking his head at me.
“No.” Austin won’t get it. I don’t totally g
ate is pretty exceptional in every way.
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“You did?” Now his eyes would be widen
“No.”
“I’m at a loss, Sam.”
“I’m at camp.”
“Wait.” He snorts. “That place you calle
smelly shithole?”
“That’s the one. I…” But I can’t even tellbrother what’s going on. We sit on opposite
of the line in silence.
“You ran.” His voice isn’t accusatory, it’s
That makes it ten million times worse.
“Look. I’m a counselor here, and w
actually not supposed to use our ph
during…well…when we’re on duty, so…need off the phone.
He huffs again. “Sam. I do not appre
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being sloughed off. You never care about rule
“Please don’t tell Nate, okay?”
“You need space, huh?” he asks.
“Lots of it.”
“Fine. I won’t tell him for now. But Sam
Don’t let him go unless you really need aw
actually like this one. I never like them. EAnd I like this one.” Austin will be wearin
pouty face to make sure I know he’s serious
still loves me.
I could definitely do worse as far as sibgo.
“Thanks, Austin. We’ll chat soon.”
He makes a ridiculous kissing noise behanging up. We never say goodbye. I love
brother to pieces because he’s there, but doe
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give me too much shit about being me.
It’s my night “on” and Ray, who’s the ogirl sleeping in bunk nine, has the night off.
fifteen-year-olds are all mine. The fact that
take all the cell phones away from these cam
is just cruel. They’re playing some version “this is what will happen in your life” game
sheet of paper while I scroll through emails on
phone, and try to dissolve into the corner.
I’ve been typing up an email to Mable
when I’ll be back to teach dance and w
disappeared, since I left, but I haven’t found
words yet. It’s starting to suck knowing angry and hurt she might be. Or maybe she’ll
drop me, and I’m worrying about nothing.
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thought of disappointing her makes me sick to
stomach.
After ten minutes of tinking with the s
letter, I finally hit send, knowing I probsealed my fate with her when I took off a co
weeks ago.
“I didn’t think we were supposed to have
phones.” Jordin scowls over the paper. Why
have to be stuck with the fifteen-year-olds? T
know everything. Jordin’s worse because s
the know-it-all goodie-goodie of the group.“Tell you what.” I sit up in bed. “I won’t t
you won’t tell.” Then I wink.
“Nice try.” Savannah, a red haired girl frow
“They’ve confiscated ours. Remember?”
Right.
“I’m a counselor. Having my phone is on
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my privileges.” I sit back again, but all eyes
on me now, and the room is silent.
“What the fuc… heck do you want?” I’m
out of patience tonight. It’s too damn hothink.
“Maybe one night with our phon
Savannah’s face pulls into a smirk.
I would have died of happiness if a coun
had done that for me.
Ray won’t be back for hours. Her boyfr
lives in this dump town, and my guess is sshow up just before breakfast.
“Okay.” I stand up. “I’m about to perfor
mission on behalf of you girls and your fri
and boyfriends you’ve left at home. This is w
want in return.”
The room is silent.
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“You will forever remember that your c
counselor, Sam, was the best counselor you
had.” I set my hands on my hips as they cont
to stare. “And you will never, ever, give meshit or tell your parents that I swear. Got it?”
Jordin frowns. “All you do is sit in the corn
“So. No one wants their phones.” I start t
back down.
“No, no, no!” Savannah screeches. “Yo
the best ever!”
The girls laugh, and then beg, and do thepuppy-eyes thing at me.
“Give me a few.” I step out of the cabin
toward the main office. Irene would fire me
this for sure. The girls are allowed ph
privileges for a couple of hours on Sunda
suspect that they spend most of that
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exchanging numbers and texting each other
whatever.
My mission is surprisingly easy becau
borrowed Jody’s keys while she was in a hargument with loser safety-Jeff, and the ph
are separated into boxes by cabin in the m
office.
I pull out the box for cabin nine, and each
has a small bag with their electronics. Perfect
I’m greeted at the door with cheers, an
promise that no word of this will get out.Paloma’s the last girl up. The last phone
And I feel like total shit because I had no
that she was in my cabin when I called her ou
smoking the first night.
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Chapter Thirty-one
Ten to twelve year-olds trying to swing
hips to do the sexy salsa is always one of my
points of hilarity at camp.
I teach cheerleading most days, but
stopped early because they wanted to kwhat kind of dancing I do when I’m not here
What the girls don’t realize as their hips m
in wonky motions from side to side is tha
often, less is more. Not in many things in lifedefinitely in dancing. You twist your waist
slide your hips just enough to catch eyes. T
they watch you, waiting for your body to sw
that motion again. It’s the subtle part of the dthat really attracts attention.
Everyone claps at the fancy stuff, but if
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can keep the eyes on you when you’re just in
middle of a line, that’s a big deal.
“Sam?” One of the girls touches my arm. “
you demonstrate again?”
Fifteen pairs of eager eyes are on me.
younger girls always want me to dance
dances again and again. I should probably ta
as a compliment.
I sigh. “Yeah. Sure.”
As much as I’ve been teaching, I haven’t
danced for me—at least not much.I love dancing. Love. But when I do somet
I love, it opens me up to feel things I really d
want to feel.
Nate’s breath on my shoulder as I do the
for the girls again. His hand low on my waist
do the turn at the end. His dark brown eyes
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skin so dark that I feel like a porcelain doll in
arms, no matter how tan I am.
How tan I was.
It’s crucial that I remember this all in the
tense, because no matter what Nate think
wants, he doesn’t actually want me. Not reall
I continue my circle of salsa steps, and it’she’s here with me, only he’s not, because I
him back in Boston.
Nate should have been a totally safe pe
for me to hang out with after rehearsals. Gwho are as good at ballroom dancing as Nate
gay—at least that was my experience up to
point. He was supposed to be totally safe
someone who had no intention of dating, mless ever settling down.
The first time he kissed me, I was in
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shock that I didn’t push him away. I’d alread
him in on way too much for us to be phys
too.
But that kiss curled my toes and wrappedbody around his and he may have been
incredible mover on the dance floor, but not
compared to how he was in bed…
I’m not dancing anymore, and no o
talking. When did that happen?
“Sam. The lunch bell rang. Are we excuse
“Of course,” I recover. Sort of. “You dneed me. Lunch is lunch. Go eat.” I’m ramb
like an idiot because I’m feeling all swimmy in
over a memory…
As far as I can tell there’s no way to getguy out of my head. I’m so fucked.
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I swear mornings at camp come earlier
morning anywhere else—even on the days w
I’m allowed to sleep in.
My phone buzzes, and I reach over
answer without thinking.
“Hello?”“Sam. Thank god.” Nate. “I’ve been wor
Please let me talk, I…”
“I didn’t mean to answer.” God, I’m horr
He should know I’m horrible.
“Your brother stopped by, and he di
know you were gone. I called your parents, a
”I sit up in bed, heart hammering. My pa
don’t meet the people I know. Not ever.
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don’t talk. “You called my parents?”
“I guess I messed up, Sam. I know I did.
I know you better than you think I do.” His v
is nothing but the smooth calm I’m used to him, and my anger starts to dissolve
helplessness, which will turn back into anger
I get frustrated about feeling helpless. “But
how I feel, and I wanted you to know, andidn’t want that to scare you away. I just wa
honesty between us.”
“You don’t want honesty, Nate.” If he kme. Really knew me. We’d have never gotte
the point where he said he loved me. Never.
“I do.”
“No. You don’t. I used to sell meth to cheerleading friends in high school until I
pregnant and dropped out. I sold No Do
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camp goodie-two-shoes last year as
counselor . I’m a mess. I’m the bad girl no
wants around. I don’t do relationships, Na
ust can’t. It’s not what I want.”Silence fills the line between us, and I want
to hang up, but I also want him to talk me o
whatever mixed up shittiness is tearing at
insides.
“Am I hard to be with?”
His question is not what I expected. I can
his words tearing down the walls I’ve built ukeep him away. “No.”
“Because you were my friend, and then we
to be more, and I loved that… You.” His voi
still so warm and soft. Low without being wedeep.
“Please don’t use that word. Not with m
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Tears are streaming down my face, and I’m
even sure why.
“Can we meet up? Can I see you?”
“You don’t want to see me.” I hang up be
his pleading voice convinces me to do somet
really stupid. Like tell him where I am.
It’s too hot for activities. To me it’s been
hot for activities since I got here, but now
official. I’m in my silver bikini resting on a louchair near the lake. I don’t have lifeguard train
so I figure I pretty much have the day off.
Jody rips her towel off the dock, and trie
hide herself in a flurry of movement, and thcatch sight of hot bartender, Liam, who
practically drooling over her, lucky girl. L
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looks like a badass, but my guess is he’s a p
decent guy. Even if he’s not, every girl need
least one asshole. God knows I’ve found a fe
Paloma sits next to me, her skinny brown stretch out in the coarse sand.
“Why aren’t you playing with everyone e
I gesture to the chaos that is the lake.
She shrugs.
“So…” I have no idea how to talk to this
“Both sessions, huh?”
“My dad’s busy.”
“And your mom?”
“Busier.” Paloma doesn’t look at me,
stares out at the lake.We sit in silence for a minute, and I half w
that she’d back away and leave me alone.
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“Brothers and sisters?” I ask.
“Nope.”
“I have a brother.” One that I hope wil
better about keeping secrets than he has be
the past.
“You two get along?” she asks.
“Most of the time. My parents won’t talhim because he’s gay.”
Paloma scowls. “That’s bullshit.”
“Watch your mouth,” I say without thinking
She scoffs. “Yes. Because your pure
couldn’t take it.”
“Listen.” I sit up and sigh. “I don’t need
attitude from you, okay?”“Fine.” Only she says it like I say it, w
basically means “screw you”.
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“You are full of attitude, aren’t you?” I
And now that I think about it, maybe that’s w
didn’t tell her to take off when she first sat d
it’s something we have in common.She shrugs.
“Got a boyfriend?” I ask.
Her eyes flash toward mine, and now sgot a real smile. “Yes, and he’s great.”
“That’s good.” Only no fifteen- or sixteen-
old boys are great.
“You don’t believe me.” She folds her arm
“Does it matter?” I ask.
“He’s a nice guy,” she insists.
“Sorry. My experience with high school bisn’t all that great.” I shift my body to g
slightly different angle from the sun.
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“He’s just graduated.”
I chuckle. “And you’re fifteen? That’s
worse.”
“Oh. So you have experience dating s
older guy when you were in high school?”
voice is tinged with disbelief.
“Yes. I did. I was going to graduate early, we were going to get an apartment, only I en
up pregnant instead.” That was maybe
beginning of who I am now. That and my par
not allowing me out of the house without mby minute details of where I was going and w
would be with.
I glance over at Paloma to see her jaw slac
“He was so nice about it. Even paid for his
of the abortion. My parents found out wh
came home with meds and a list of instructio
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my jeans, at which point I left Wisconsin,
moved in with my brother who was a freshm
college.” I’m wondering if any of this is sinkin
Paloma’s silent. Still listening. Fuck, at point I might as well finish the story off. M
she’ll ditch the older guy.
“So he came over a few times and thoug
was going to be so great that I didn’t h
parents anymore. What he didn’t plan on wa
brother keeping a more careful eye on me
my parents ever bothered to do, and whenrealized I wasn’t supposed to have sex with
for six weeks after the abortion, he fo
someone else to have sex with.”
“Wow. So that’s why you’re so messed uPaloma’s so relaxed in how she says it.
“Excuse me?”
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“I don’t know the whole story about wh
going on, but I overheard your conversation
the guy this morning, and with your broth
couple days ago. Messed up.” She relaxes bin the sand like I’d want her anywhere near m
“Find somewhere else to sit.” I roll onto
stomach.
“What?” Now she sounds surprised.
“Go. Somewhere. Else.” I don’t move.
After a few more seconds there’s shuffling
Paloma walks off.Dammit. Now I feel like shit for chasing
away. Why am I suddenly caring a
everything? It shouldn’t matter. She’s one girl
camp full of girls, and she plopped down ne
me uninvited.
What did she expect?
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Chapter Thirty-two
I’m at the Little Minnow with Jody bec
Kay-Kay bailed on us tonight. It’s still too d
hot to think.
When we step in, Jody half freezes as she Liam behind the bar. I have to practically sh
her on him when I catch Travis out of the co
of my eye.
Wow. That’s a boy’s name I wouldn’t for
Travis is definitely worth remembering.
“Sam.” He gives me a wave. Travis is still
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pale, but he’ll darken up quick chasing the b
around. And if I remember right, Travis has
nice hands.
“Hey, you.” I sit close enough that our stouch, even though it’s too hot in here to wan
be close.
“You look…” He shakes his head, and a
of his hair falls over his forehead.
Travis definitely has locks. Thick, w
brown, touchable locks.
“…damn good. But you probably alrknow that, don’t you?”
I smirk and lean in a little closer. Trav
definitely a good contender for huge amoun
distraction.
“This is Trey and Freckle.” He nods tow
the two guys he’s sharing a table with.
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“Freckle?” I ask.
“You don’t want to know.” They say at
same time.
I laugh because whatever I’m imaginin
probably worse than it is.
“It’s hot in here.” Travis’s eyes are on
“Step outside?”“Sure.” I stand up, trying not to look
eager, but right now anyone’s hands on
would be better than no one’s hands on me,
there has to be something that can make methink about Nate.
“How you been?” Travis asks as we step
the humid night air.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Same, I guess.”
on the picnic table where I sat next to Jer
week or so ago.
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Travis slides next to me.
He smells like sweat and cheap beer, but
not his fault. I probably smell the same. W
not the only people out back, but no one matters right now.
“Actually.” I rest my head on his shou
“It’s been a little rough.” Maybe on a guy
Travis, the sympathy thing might help me
closer to him, faster.
He rests his arm around me and pulls
closer. “Sorry.”“It’s okay.” Nothing feels okay, but sitting
him is good. My chest aches a little less. I p
my nose into his cheek.
“Careful there.” He chuckles. “I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I might think you’re com
on to me.”
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“I might be coming on to you.” I kiss unde
ear. The simple kiss twists around in my ins
pressing into the guilt at leaving Nate. At s
on a bench with Travis. At wanting to do althings with Travis that I’m thinking about.
His smooth hands slide across my collarb
and up the back of my neck, bringing our
together.
Right. Swimmer. That’s why his hands
nice. Not calloused. I deepen our kiss,
ate’s still pressing in making it hard to breaI was supposed to leave all that behind.
Travis hand slides across my chest, his thu
pausing over my nipple for a second too long
Fucking guilt wins.
“I gotta go. Because of Jody.” And that’s
manage before stumbling off the picnic t
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oblivious to the other people standing ou
talking, and running inside.
Liam’s drooling over the counter as he h
Jody a drink.
“Sorry.” I grab Jody from the side. “We g
get out of here.”
I mouth ‘sorry’ to Liam before dragging out the door. I suck. I suck as a friend. A
hook-up. And as a girlfriend. I already knew
of these things, but as Jody stares wistfully a
front door of the Minnow just before Trpokes his head out, staring at me with confu
and my phone buzzes in another text, me bei
huge fuck-up pretty much turned to truth.
Jody and I have ridden in silence for too l
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I haven’t looked at my phone. I’m afraid to.
“So…” Jody starts. “Sounds like the d
thing is working out well.”
“I have a new partner,” I blurt out be
thinking.
“Yeah?” I’m not sure if Jody’s interested
not, but talking about how I met Nate seemsenough.
Or really, really far from safe.
“Mable set me up with a new partner.”
Jody’s silent, and I feel this strange need t
the silence after dragging her out of the bar.
“His name is Nate. So, you know, she ch
builds, and ways of moving and all that. I’m cpale, and he’s not just a little bit black, but r
black and sort of gorgeous.” I clear my th
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and wonder if I can continue. But I remem
and I want someone to know. Even if it’s
part of the picture. “I swear we were like
steps into the fox-trot, and I just knew he’perfect.”
“That’s great.” Jody smiles politely.
She doesn’t get how great it is. I’ve g
through so many dance partners, that I n
understood how any one person could
perfect.
Watching our hands come together the time and feeling how sure of himself he w
should have known with the way he dan
against me that he wasn’t gay. I probably
wanted him to be. Spending so much time my brother and his group of friends, as well a
my dancing friends, has warped my perceptio
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the percentage of gay males there are. In
mind, guys are gay, or total douche-b
Sometimes both.
“We could probably go all the way if we working hard.” Which we won’t because I’
camp instead of teaching and rehearsing.
“I would have never put you and ballr
dancing together.” Jody smiles a little more.
I want to be mad at her observation, but
true, really. I fell into it because Mom use
forget to pick me up after ballet, and they taadult ballroom dancing right after my class.
Austin made me stick with it when I mov
with him. Our parents are far too conservativ
have a daughter dancing anything but ballet,even then, Dad was always asking if I could
extra fabric to my costumes.
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I’m such a pathetic stereotype of the rebel
child.
When we stop I remember my phone buz
and pull it out.
I think I mumble thanks to Jody as I
toward the kitchen. I haven’t had a real me
days and am suddenly starving.
I hold in a breath as I check my phone,
it’s Austin, not Nate. I feel a pang
disappointment, but I need to get used to
because I can’t be running away from Natealso be hoping he’s still writing me.
I stopped to water your solitary plant,
our mail and check your apartment. Yowelcome. Ran into Nate. Please just call
oor man. For me. It’s just…sad.
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What Austin doesn’t know is that I lite
can’t make myself do it.
Chapter Thirty-three
I’m once again smoking behind the sSometimes I think nothing has changed since
school.
Paloma steps around the corner and freeze
I’m still buzzed from the two beers I snuck
of Alex’s stash in the kitchen after dinner,
wave her over. “You’re already here.
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anyone, and I’ll kill you.”
She doesn’t move for a second longer,
then takes another step, putting us on the f
side of the shed, and out of view.
I hand her a cigarette and she lights
immediately, letting out the kind of sigh th
used to when I thought I was so fucking coo
smoking. Now I picture my lungs turning b
and the shitty voice I’ll have at forty, but the n
to do something is too strong for me to stop.
I scroll through my Nate texts again. Sptorture for the tortured soul. And I’m offic
being ridiculous.
“What’cha doin’?” she asks.
“Checking texts.” I scroll down further.
She glances over. “That’s a lot.”
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“Nate,” I say before I stop myself.
“So.” Paloma flicks her cigarette. “Wh
wrong with the guy?”
“What?” I freeze, still holding my phone.
“The guy you keep checking up on?”
“I’m not…checking up.” Only that’s ex
what I’m doing.“Then what are you doing?”
“Nothing.” I glance back and scroll to the
Last one was days ago. Maybe he’s finally g
up, which would be good, but still makes me
like shit.
“Fine. Don’t tell me.” She folds her arms.
“Nothing’s wrong with him. Okay? Hfucking perfect. The kind of guy I should
introducing to my brother. The kind of guy
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brother would love to see me with because
know that if we ever split up that it would be
fault.” I choke on the last words.
“So you fucked it up then, huh?” She tanother drag. I really should take that away.
“Watch your mouth.” I slide off my flip f
and squeeze the grass between my toes.
“I don’t get it, Sam.” Paloma turns to loo
me as she drops her cigarette to the groun
still looks rehearsed, strange, coming from
young, wiry thing like her.“What don’t you get?” Because I’d like
take on it. I only half understand the situ
myself.
“You have the perfect guy, and you did w… Sleep with someone else? Take off? Wha
“I gotta go.” I push off the shed and drop
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cigarette.
“Fine. Whatever.”
This is it. I’m going to get someone to c
my shift with the girls tonight because I need
of here on a night when Kay-Kay and
aren’t at the Minnow to watch me be a big f
up.
Chapter Thirty-four
No one agreed to cover for me, and I wable to go be a big fuck-up with some g
looking for a good time.
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Instead I get cozy time with my girls where
basically told Kay-Kay to jump in bed with a
old enough to be her dad. Way hotter than
other guy I’ve seen his age, but still. Older.And then Jody… I just… Jody being a v
is such a shocker that days later, I’m still thin
about it. What must it have been like to grow
in normal ? To be so sure of how you want tsomething that if the situation isn’t perfect,
don’t do it? The whole thing boggles my mind
And both of them are walking into situations.
Kay-Kay’s in deep with Alex who is
enough that if they do end up together, it’s
going to be easy. Jody’s trying to find the gube in deep with Liam who doesn’t live in
country, and definitely has some history. And
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running away from Mr. Fucking Perfect.
I’m sure I do not want to know what this
about me. Or maybe it’s stuff I already kn
and I’m at least nice enough to run befoscrew him over too badly.
Maybe.
After getting a ride home from the L
Minnow from some counselors I don’t kno
stumble toward my cabin in the dark.What number am I… what number…
Nine!
Nine is my number… I squint as I passcabins, waiting for one to look familiar, whic
ridiculous since they all look almost the same
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I finally find my cabin and stumble in. Ge
undressed in the dark isn’t going to be an op
tonight. If it weren’t for stupid Nate and his d
need to tell me he loves me, I wouldn’t haveto drink so much.
I flop onto my bed, feeling more torn up a
ate than I have since I left. Dammit, all the
Beam was supposed to make this better,worse. My face smashes into my pillow a
beg for sleep to take over before I cry into
pillow like a lovesick teenager.
His kiss is thorough and deep, like alwa
ull him into my apartment as I back up,
like every time for the last ten or so daSince the first kiss that curled my toe
haven’t done much thinking since that ti
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which is good, because as we keep dan
together, we keep being together. And ev
day I finish teaching my classes, knowing
et to rehearse with Nate. And knowing after our rehearsal he’ll ask me to dinner
if he can walk me home. And every night I
es.
“Say you’ll stay the night,” I whisper.
“I’ve stayed the night before.” He mo
his hips to sway with me slowly as he h
our bodies together. So close I feel as ifexplode if he doesn’t stay. Doesn’t touch
oesn’t take me.
“But I never got to see you. You slep
our clothes,” I tease in a whisper, becasome moments are so loud that I wish I di
need to speak.
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“You can see me right now.” His lips ca
my neck as he whispers back. Knowing
this moment is already full of us.
Wishing that we didn’t need words.
“Please.” I slide my fingers just under
shirt, and then up his back. And I did love
sleeping over. I haven’t loved being insid
man’s arms that way since I was fifteen
really stupid about boys. But with Nate
different. It’s new. It’s easy.
The beginnings of panic set in as I reahow deep I’m in, but he slides his shirt
and his hands slide up mine. Just far eno
that his thumbs skimming across my stom
make my knees weak. As my shirt hits the floor, our bodies c
together, skin to skin. His smile is the sam
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it always is, but his mouth covers mine
more urgency. I realize he is going to s
over. I am going to get to see him. And
oing to be as good as I imagined. And then he’s gone, and I’m hold
nothing. As if that night never happened.
I gasp as sit up in bed, sending the r
spinning. Girls are stumbling out of bunks,
my head pounds.
Why does being separated from him havhurt so bad? My hangover is nothing comp
to the hole in my chest.
It’ll go away…It has to…There’s no w
’ll feel this way forever…
Paloma stops at my bed as the other
shuffle out for breakfast. “I’m sorry.
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whatever.”
“Do I look that bad?” I tease, but it gets lo
the ache in my voice and the body that’s read
collapse into bed and be swallowed.
“Yeah.” She nods. “You do.”
I rub my hands over my face a few times. W
can’t I be normal and just love a guy bWhy?
“Is it worth it?” she asks. “Whatever yo
doing here?”
I don’t know. I honestly don’t.
A gangly pale guy with a sunburned face up to me as I head back toward camp
Jody’s car. First camp session ends in t
days, and as long as it felt like it took to g
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this point, I still can’t believe my summ
already half over.
“Boys camp is across the lake, or are
honestly lost?” I put my hands on my hipswanting to deal with some love-sick kid.
“I’m eighteen, not in camp, and need to
Paloma.” Nice polo shirt, khaki shorts, w
shoes…
I’m taken aback, because this kid looks
the epitome of clean-cut, good guy, and sh
doesn’t.“Who are you?” I ask.
“I’m her boyfriend, Gabriel.”
“Yeah.” I shift my weight. “I’ve heard ayou.”
“Look.” He sounds desperate and his br
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eyes are pleading. “I just need to see
Please?”
“What for?”
“Gabe?” Paloma yells. She’s moving wi
group from the amphitheater.
I sigh.
Before I can slow anything down, she’s inarms. I shouldn’t watch them. Really, they’
couple of kids. I expect him to kiss her like
eating her face, but instead his eyes close an
holds her.They relax into each other, her face pre
into his chest, and I have to walk away.
Nate held me like there was nowhere he’d rather be. Like he had all the time in
world to stand outside my apartment door
feel me in his arms.
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The only son of a family full of dancers. He
two sisters in Cirque de Soleil, and even tho
his parents call him a wimp for doing ballr
instead of ballet (only a dancing family wouldthis) they love that he’s doing it.
I wonder all the time if Nate knows wha
amazing family he has. How incredible it mus
for your parents to give a shit about what yodoing. Austin is amazing, but he’s not Mom
Dad.
Okay. It’s official.I’m making myself crazy with my patheticn
When I lie in bed, shushing the whispersgiggles after a too-late night, and a new grou
girls, I realize Paloma’s bed is empty. My h
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starts pounding, and I jog to the shed after d
threats to the rest of the girls to stay in bed.
Where is she?
Shit. I’m going to have to report he
missing.
The boyfriend was here today. God. H
stupid of me. Of course she’s probably hasex with him in the back of his car right no
can’t find time to get laid, but apparently if I
sixteen, I’d be good.
The office is closed for the night, so I heaAlex’s place. He’ll know what to do.
I knock, sure he’s going to kill me for bein
stupid, and not noticing when I was suppose
take roll before lights out.
He opens his door, and his face falls. Won
if he was expecting someone else.
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“What can I do for you, Sam?”
“Paloma’s gone.”
“I know.” He hands me a letter. “This was
under my door sometime this evening.”
I take the paper from him. “Where were y
He immediately looks away. “Out.”
I scan the note.
Camp Counselors and my parents –
I’m safe. I chose to leave. No one at ccan be held responsible, as no one knew
lans.
Mom and Dad. Don’t try to contact me
be in touch when I’m ready. I choose love. Even if it breaks my hear
Paloma
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“She ran off with her boyfriend.” I s
stunned. After everything I said to her. She
did it.
“I just got off the phone with her par
Don’t worry, Sam. You didn’t do anyth
wrong.” His voice is tired, but still kind.
“Okay. ‘Night.” Only it’s insane. Not okay
I turn back to the bunks, heart pounding. H
could anyone just jump in like that? I don’t ge
She’s not terrified only because she’s yoand stupid and doesn’t know better.
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Chapter Thirty-five
Weeks pass, and I keep to myself. I carrying my phone around, and have sta
answering my brother’s long voicemails
texts. Kay-Kay and Jody are up and down
their men. Right now Kay-Kay’s down confused because of the crazy ex-wife/A
situation, and Jody’s definitely up. She sp
her days grinning like an idiot, and every s
second is with the edible Liam.I shouldn’t be jealous. I could be home
ate right now, but I’m not. I could
impetuous and stupid like Paloma. But I did
once and got burned.
Travis and I text a few times, and almost m
up, but our nights off never seem to match up
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didn’t call last winter so I’m thinking he’s p
safe for a night out, and the distraction I’ve b
wanting since I got here. At the same time,
so mixed up that I don’t know if I wdistraction from someone like him, or if I wa
run away from anyone and anything.
I’m sort of resigned to feeling like shit al
time. It’ll pass. I got over my high scboyfriend ditching me at the worst time, and
parents not talking to my brother and I for y
to keep up appearances. Seems sort of asi
that disowning your children helps appearan
but I’ve never understood my parents.
Still. Missing Nate’s getting worse, not bet
When Austin texts for the fifteenth time in
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weeks that I need to call him instead of sen
him another message, I give in.
“How are things at camp?” he asks.
I was expecting a long lecture when
answered, so I’m already on edge.
“I’m surviving. No one’s danced their way
the hospital, so I must be doing something riI sit on the grass and watch the barefoot so
tournament as far from the group as I can be
still see.
“And how are we feeling about Nate?”asks.
“I don’t want to talk about Nate with y
Why, oh why did I call?
“Here’s the thing.” He stops too abruptly,
I stiffen, knowing something’s up.
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“What did you do?” The sinking, swimm
feeling in my gut is about to take over.
“Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“No. Sam. Really. Think about this. Lif
death or happiness. Do you trust me?” His v
is low.I close my eyes for a moment, and know
he’s probably the only person in the world
trust, even though I know he could screw
over at any moment.“I think so. Yes.”
“I told Nate where you were.”
I stand, shaking. I want to scream a miobscenities at my brother, but instead I
worse. I hang up without a word.
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How. How could he do this?
What will Nate do? Will he show up?
another way to contact me?
Why do I care so much?
Fuck this. I can’t feel this. I’m putting al
extra effort into finding time for Travis.
shittiness has to end. Has to. I can’t keep fethis way.
It took two days, and about three more drthan I thought it would, but Travis and I are
half-naked in the back of the car he borro
from the boys’ camp across the lake.
Our kissing is sloppy, but worth
distraction.
I probably should have had less to drink
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I’m determined that tonight is about forgettin
no matter what it takes.
Travis looks good with his shirt off. No
good as some guys I know, but the summbeen nice to him. Lean muscles, nice tan. Tr
traces the outside edges of my bra and sits up
“What are you doing?” I tease as I shove
back down and kiss him again.
He chuckles. “I should be getting back.
maintenance guy will kill me if his truck’s ou
late.”“Are you just trying to be a gentleman, and
push us too far?” I ask a bit incredulous that
putting the brakes on.
“Maybe a little.” He shrugs and reaches fo
shirt.
“I appreciate you being all sweet, but I r
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ust want to have sex.” I grab his hand befor
can start pulling his tee over his head. Surely
should be the easiest thing.
“Uh…” Travis pauses and pulls slightly aw
“Please?” God I’m so damn pathetic. W
the hell kind of guy says no to a half-naked g
a car?
“Look, Sam, you’re a cool girl, and I defin
want to…you know, but there’s something
going on here, and I don’t think I want to b
the middle of it. I know you’re drunk, but stYou’re not acting like yourself.”
I grab his shoulders and pull him clo
“Nothing’s going on. I need something with
strings attached. I’m desperate for that, actua
His eyes float down my body again, a
move to unhook my bra.
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He rests a hand on my arm. “You
whatever you need to get figured out first,
come find me.”
Travis crawls out from under me and slideshirt on as he steps out of the car. “But I d
think you will. Come find me, that is.”
“Where the fuck were all the nice guys wh
was in high school?” I yell. “I’m here and r
to get laid!”
Shit. I snatch my shirt, slide on my flip-f
and take off through the woods.“Sam! Wait! I’ll give you a ride back!”
“Go fuck yourself since you obviously
zero interest in fucking me!” I can’t believe th
All through high school all guys wanted w
get in my pants, and now that I’m looking f
no-strings attached hook up, I can’t find it.
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is bullshit.
My phone buzzes, and I glance at the scre
Nate.
I hurl the phone as far as I can into the tree
And then stop.
Why the hell did I do that? The damn t
cost me two hundred dollars.Shit.
“Nate. Call me again. Please, Please,
me…” I start in the direction I chuckedphone. Nothing.
“Sam.” Travis comes up behind me in
woods.
“Just…shit.” I don’t want to cry in fronTravis.
“Why are you out here?”
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“I threw my phone.”
“I’ll call it, okay?” He slides out his cell
some Beyonce “do me” kind of song s
playing.
He cocks a brow.
“Bribery. I let the campers set my ring ton
exchange for them not giving me crap over umy phone.” I stomp through the trees until I
the blinking call light of my cell.
“You have a good arm.”
“Shut it.” Guilt over being here with Trslams into me, which it shouldn’t. I should
fine. Nate can’t think we’re still together if
not taking his calls. God…is that what I r
want? It’s suffocating to think that I won’t h
out with him anymore. That he won’t bring
coffee on the mornings I have to work earl
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That I might not dance with him anymore.
me back to camp. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Travis puts his arm over
shoulders, but I shrug him off.
“You don’t get to cuddle me unless you sc
me first.”
Travis laughs. “Damn, Sam. You’re somethelse.”
Yeah. Something.
I’m the girl who gets sad when she c
ignore a man’s phone calls because he calling as often as he used to. And then whe
does call, risks losing a two hundred d
phone. That’s definitely something.
It’s after midnight by the time we make
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the girls’ camp.
“Thanks. And sorry for being crazy.” I
out of the car.
“If you wanna get together again after you
things out…”
I bark out a laugh without meaning to. “So
Travis. But you don’t want to start anything me. I picked you because I thought you’d b
easy lay.”
“Guess I wasn’t.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry for whatever you have going
He looks at me over his car for a moment be
climbing in and driving away.“Sam?” His voice comes out of the dark
there’s no mistaking who it is. My insides
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up, and I can feel myself start to fall apart.
Do I run for him? Or run away?
“Why are you here?” I ask into the dark
as I turn to look for him. See him. My c
aches that he’s so close.
Nate walks into the edge of the yellow
surrounding the yard lamp I’m under. Heverything in a faded polo shirt and worn jean
Everything.
I can’t afford for any one person to be
everything.
He’s so still, and just like a month ago
way he looks at me makes me want to taste
rub my hands over his dancer’s body, feel against me, but instead I’m shaking.
My lips go numb, my chin’s quivering li
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does when I’m trying not to cry, and my legs
weak. He catches me just before I crumple.
God, he smells the same.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sure you d
want me here.”
“I don’t know what I want.” I’m pre
against him as he holds me up, and I finally my legs, but don’t move away. Can’t m
away. Wouldn’t want to.
His thumb touches the outside corner of
eye, and his eyes are filled with all the ways gentle and good and perfect, which is a remi
of the many millions of reasons he shouldn
with me.
“Are you…with someone else? The man
dropped you off?”
I shake my head. “I’ve tried. Part of me w
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to be because it means you’ll hate me. I jus
don’t want to need anyone, Nate. I can’t do
He holds me tighter and sits down in
middle of the small parking lot, pulling me his lap. “I don’t care if you don’t love me, S
ot right now. Not yet. And maybe I’m
supposed to tell you how I feel, but I had
won’t take it back, and I don’t care if you’rethere yet, but don’t shut me out just becau
am.”
In desperation and frustration and all the thI don’t want to be feeling, I run my hands
the kinks of his hair and pull his face tow
mine.
He actually pauses before covering my mwith his.
I love everything about the way Nate k
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me. The way his lips move with mine, an
does it like he does everything—smooth
strong and rhythmic.
I gasp in for air. “We need to find somewelse to be.” I’m suddenly so glad that Tr
turned me down.
Oh. God. I was just kissing Travis.
Nate stands, helping me to my feet, and I
him toward the lake. We could take a cano
use the dock, or right now the middle of
beach would be fine with me.As soon as we hit the sand, my arms
around him. Familiar, comfortable, perfect.
sways his hips, dancing to silent music, a
follow because this is how we always start.
I need something harder. More.
I slide my thumbs into the top of jeans and
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him closer.
He chuckles. “This is not what I was expe
when I decided to show up.”
“What were you expecting?” I trace
bottom lip with my tongue, practically beggin
be kissed again.
“For you to tell me you hate me and thatnever wanted to see me again. To tell me tha
ruined everything between us because I fe
love with you. For you to be angry becau
talked to your brother and your parents.those things.”
His voice is smooth and soft, but the w
are sharp and start to cut deep. It’s all th
truths that I didn’t want to face. I wanted mowhat we are together without all the talking
the feeling.
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But maybe it’s all the same thing, and ma
that’s why I ran.
I freeze and can feel him searching my fac
clues in the dark.
“I’ve been with other men. Since being h
Maybe now he’ll run away, and I won’t hav
worry about what to do.
Nate freezes, and then swallows once. “I…
“I didn’t have sex with anyone, but
because I didn’t try. I’m not good, Nate. I’m
good for you. God, you deserve a girl who better. Different. Not so fucked up. Destruct
How did this come out when he’s here?
close. We’re so close.
But do I want to be?
“Is that what this is about? You running aw
Do you honestly think you’re not good eno
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for me?” His gentle hands grasp my shou
and he tries to catch my gaze in the dark.
Instead I stare at where his black hands m
my white shoulders, and how much I’ve alwloved seeing our skin together.
“Sam?”
“You don’t know who I am.” I squeezeeyes tight. “You should go. I don’t want
here. Go.”
His hands give my shoulders another
squeeze. “Sam. Please don’t do this.”“I’m doing it.” I look down, still keeping
eyes closed. One look from him and I’d be d
for. I can’t do it. Can’t have that. “Go. Pleas
His hands slide slowly down my arms and
fingers slide like a breath through mine befor
hands drop. “I thought…” he starts. “If I w
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here. To see you. I—”
I shake my head, but still can’t look at him
“I love you, Sam, but I won’t keeping d
this.”
“And you shouldn’t.”
Nate walks away and the last bit of any
good that was a part of me walks away with hI’m the biggest fuck-up the world has
seen.
As soon as I’m sure he’s gone, I fall to
sand and let myself cry.
Chapter Thirty-six
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There’s always this big moment in mo
where the girl or guy who has messed everyt
up comes to some stellar realization, and w
know they’ll be okay. I have no such momGod, I don’t deserve that moment.
Jody’s wrapped up in new issues with L
Kay-Kay is still on the outs with Alex. An
guess all three of us came here this summesomething we’re not going to get.
I dig through my bag for anything to help
function today, but end up with a handfumovie stubs and receipts of stuff Nate and I
together. I try to crumple the papers and th
them in the trash, but when I throw them,
spread out across the floor of my cabin.“I want one more fucking thing to go wr
One more!”
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Half of me expects someone to step insid
see the mess and help me pick it up. Kin
funny seeing as I’ve never expected anyon
pick up my messes before.God. Nate. I sit in the middle of the little
of paper and laugh at the ridiculous realiz
that I’ve done exactly this to what he and I
We were good. Better than good. Being ate was the easiest thing I’ve ever done
that was terrifying. Something had to go wron
Oh, right. It did go wrong because I fuckall up and spread us into a mess across the flo
“This is another intervention.” Kay-Kay Jody grab me and pull me into the life ja
shed.
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“Yes. Because the rest of them have wor
so well.” I frown. “Kay-Kay’s not with Alex
I’m guessing that Jody is still a virgin. Did I c
everything?”“Stop it!” Jody yells, and we both sto
stare at her. “Just stop being such a bitch!”
I’m so proud of her that I’m stun
speechless—even though I’ve barely spoke
her and wonder a little bit at where this is com
from.
She breathes hard a few more times bemaybe realizing what she just did and sittin
the ground. At least she didn’t apologize.
“I don’t know exactly what’s going on
you, but a very confused, very sweet black with a body like…” Kay-Kay stops with a sm
“A body like a god,” I finish for her.
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“Came by yesterday, and we all chatted
him, but we had to get campers in bed.”
“He’s so nice.” Jody sighs and sits. “H
like…”
“…the kind of guy you should be with.
me.” I turn to leave.
“Nice try.” Kay-Kay grabs my arm and hme half back into the shed. “It’s one thing if
don’t like him. Maybe he snores. Maybe he’s
great in bed. Maybe he’s just not for you.”
“But.” Jody stands up. “You obviously him. And you being this miserable sucks.”
“Thanks.” I nod. “I’ll think about all of this
Lie.I turn and walk out, wondering if there’s a
for me to forget everything and just m
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forward.
When I get to the cabin my phone beeps,I’m terrified to look.
It’s from a number I don’t recognize.
I know you probably think I’m stupid. A
might get my heart stamped on. But I tr
nd I’m glad I chose love. He has a job,
’m finishing school. Paloma
Stupid girl. I’m not sure if I’m glad
bothered to send me a message or not. W
knows? Maybe at eighty they’ll still be togeand have this crazy story about how it all star
Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole. M
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she’ll turn out to be a destructive bitch like m
No one knows.
I can’t sleep. At all. I’m not even t
Tomorrow’s the last day, and I have no
where I’m going.
I pick up my phone and scroll through N
texts again.
And then again.
And then again.
I think about Kay-Kay and Alex, and
Jody was with the safe guy who ditched her,
how she ended up, or will end up, with the Irishman.
Before I think about what I’m doing, I
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ate a text message.
I want us, but I don’t know how to do th
And hit send. Then panic. Too late. It’s
The worst that’ll happen now is he’ll an
back right away. No.
The worst that could happen now is tha
won’t.
Again, the tears start to flow. I hate this.
never cried so much in my life.
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Chapter Thirty-seven
With shaking hands I call Austin.He answers with a sigh. “I’m waiting. And
know what for.”
“I’m sorry.” Even though I know that doe
cover it. We don’t hang up on each other. EIt was one of the first rules he gave me wh
moved in with him.
“You can do better.”
“I freaked out, and I’m sorry.” I close my
and lean against the back of the shed.
cigarette supply is gone, but this has become
thinking place. The problem is standing back really makes me want a smoke.
“A little better.” His voice is pouty, but w
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“Hey, Sam.” Nate sits on the step, wai
Patient. And a million other things I prob
don’t deserve.
“Nate.” My chin quivers again becausecame back. After everything.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?” he a
“Kids keep running through here, and…”
He doesn’t jump up and throw his a
around me, or make any move to reach ou
me or hold my hand or anything.
“Uh…yeah.” I fold my arms, feeling chillethe shade. “Follow me.”
I’m terrified as I lead him through the w
to the old amphitheater. It’s small and fur
away from the main parking lot.
Did he bring me out here just to yell and
me how horrible I am?
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“I got your message and wanted to see yo
I’m afraid to look at him, but find his
anyway as I sit. So familiar and comfort
which makes him slightly terrifying. Though, baround him is a lot less scary now that I k
what it’s like to be without him.
“So.” Nate sits on the bench the same wa
I am—a leg on each side so we can see
other better. “Is this what you really want?”
“What?” I’m not even sure what “this” is
now.“For us to start over?”
“Yeah. I mean, I think so.”
“That’s not good enough.” He shakeshead. “Do you want us, or do you wan
because I do? Because I can’t take you wal
away from us again.”
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I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t sa
Why can’t I tell him that this is what I want?
he’s what I want? That he stood in front of
and all I could think was that he was everythin“You rejecting me by running awa
understood, because I understand you. And e
you avoiding me. I hated it, but I know
Sam. I understood. But turning me away toface? That was different.”
He’s so right. And he should hate me for a
those things—not only because of the last ostill can’t speak.
He sighs. “I can’t be in a relationship on
own.”
He starts to lift his leg to swing it over, bhold my hand up, stopping him, unable to lif
eyes from the bench.
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Here I am about to lose probably the only
who would put up with me, and he’s perfec
me in a million different ways, and now I’m tr
to find words.“I’ve never wanted anyone or anything
way I want to be around you, and that scare
hell out of me.” It’s hard to breathe, but
determined to get it out. “I don’t know how twith someone that I feel so much for.
terrifying. People may seem good, but they’re
always good, and I—”
His hand cups my cheek as his thumb str
my jaw. “This is all I want from you.”
“All you want? This is everything.” I finally
the courage to look at him and he’s smilingperfect, soft smile.
“So. We start over. You being honest.
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being honest. Everything in the open.”
“Start over.” I nod.
It’s not so scary now that I know we w
ust jump back in to where we were.
“And no more about you not being g
enough for me. I chose you. You chose me.
one is perfect. But we fit together. I never ayou for perfect.”
I nod. “You didn’t have to. I want it
myself. I want to be worthy of you.”
He laughs and tilts my chin so I’m lookinghis dark eyes. “You are. You’re the most wo
girl I know. You think I would’ve wasted
whole summer for someone who wasn’t wor
But you have to believe in yourself too. Let g
all that other stuff. I don’t care about it. W
starting new. And every time you even try to
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me up on a pedestal, I’m going to do somet
to jump off it.”
I grin. “Like what?”
His fingers trace my jaw and curl around
ears. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll become r
anal and take like fifteen showers a day.”
I bite my lip. “Maybe I’ll join you for those“I hope so. Now, come dance with me.”
holds out his hand, and I take it. “This is w
we started, and this is where we’ll start o
Okay?”“Are you going to embarrass me by dan
out here with no music?” I stand up and wai
him to hold out his arms for me to step in.
His familiar hands slides around my w
bringing our hips together.
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“I can hum if you like,” he teases.
“Oh.”
He starts to move his hips, and wit
conscious thought, I match his steps.
“We’re starting over, and we’re starting
the salsa?” I ask.
“Definitely.”“Isn’t that a little sexy?” I tease even thou
feel shaky and sort of in disbelief at what
moving toward.
“I hope so.”
“Are you going to try and have sex with m
our first date?” I whisper.
“Probably.”“So now we’re getting somewhere.” I le
body move with his.
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“Somewhere really, really good.” His h
slides up my arm until our fingers clasp toge
and we continue the salsa in the middle of
woods, alone, on the day I realize how crazlove with this man I am.
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About the Authors
Jolene Perry is most often seen behind
laptop, fingers flying across the keyboard
reckless abandon.She survived growing up in rural Ala
driving like a lunatic, and her husband’s car
in the military, as a law student, and now a
Alaska State Prosecutor. She also survived ba middle school math teacher using her degre
political science, foreign relations, and French
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She started writing when she ran out of m
for books and hasn’t stopped since.
You can find Jolene at the following places
www.jolenebperry.com
or her blog
www.jolenesbeenwriting.blogspot.com
on Twitter athttp://twitter.com/jolenebperry
Janna Watts is the pen name for one of JoPerry’s collaboration partners. Or possibly sh
one of Jolene’s imaginary friends who s
mysterious tweets and texts in the middle o
night. Either way, she’s generally harmless exwhen it comes to her fierce loyalty for her fri
and family. You can find her on Twitter
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http://twitter.com/Janna_Watts
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Look for these titles by Jolene Perry
Now Available:
Spill Over Knee Deep
Night Sky
My Heart For Yours
Insight Series
Insight
Manipulation
Seeker
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Coming Soon:
Falling
All I Want
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Sometimes falling in love changes things y
don’t expect it to…
Spill Over
© 2012 Jolene Perry
Antony loves his life in New York. He lo
living with his mother and wearing desi
clothes. He loves his private tutors for hschool. It’s practically necessary since his m
travels the world as a reporter for NBC.
When an assignment overseas gives her
opportunity of a lifetime, she sees it as a ch
for Antony to get to know his dad - a guy str
enough to live on a boat. Near dreary Se
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Antony’s sure that the next few months will
like a lifetime. He and his dad can’t even fill
five-minute conversation on his birthday call.
When he meets Amber, the girl from five bdown, his prospects perk up, but whe
becomes very clear, very fast, that all she’s
is friendship, Antony wonders if he’ll survive
next three months.
He is absolutely. Completely. Tot
Displaced.
And then tragedy hits.Spill Over is a novel about love, loss,
figuring out what’s actually important.
njoy the following excerpt for Spill Over:
“What?” Her nose almost touches my ch
putting our lips dangerously close together.
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“I like you.” That’s my smooth line? I cou
come up with anything more clever than that?
But her eyes practically sparkle as she lean
Finally, touching her lips with mine has bec
more of a need than anything I’ve imagined
long time. Just before our lips touch, she t
away.
“Where are you going?” I try to laugh
don’t pull it off.
“We’re climbing the tower, silly.” She
ahead of me.“You’re killing me, Amber.”
Her laughter floats through me, punching h
in the darkness.I jog to catch up to her. The tower is st
tall, with only tiny windows for light on
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winding staircase leading to the top. Her
steps on the boards are all I can hear,
blackness is nearly complete once I step insid
When I break back out into the sun at theof the stairs, I pinch my eyes shut for a
moments before daring to open them. The v
from up here is even better than below.
“Wow.” I step to the railing on the edge,
rest my arms there, looking across the ocean
scattered islands.
“I know. Worth it, huh?” Her hands touchwaist from behind me and slowly slide around
stomach.
There’s no way she could know that th
one of my favorite ways to be touched. Her cpresses against my back and then her face as
rests her head on my shoulder blade.
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“Very worth it,” I answer. My arms res
top of hers, and I slide our fingers together.
She’s practically begging me to kiss her
pressed into me like this.
I turn around and take her in my arms.
She stretches up. I lean down. Her br
touches my lips.“Not yet.” She breathes out, spins around
runs for the hole to the stairs.
“Oh come on!” I laugh. “Surely I’ve earn
by now!” Killing me. But this little game we going on is also pretty awesome. Distractin
nothing else.
She laughs back and disappears into blackness below.
I take one last look around and head for
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steps.
The stairs look even blacker than before, b
move into the darkness. Her hand takes m
She’s just a blur. My eyes aren’t adjustesmell her breath and then feel her lips ag
mine, sending a wave of want through me.
fingers slide together. I lean forward and fee
smooth lips again. I need more of her. She even better than I’ve been imagining.
Warm. Comfort. Electric.
She laughs and pulls away, running downstairs.
“Wait!” My eyes have adjusted. Now I
see her.
Her laughter turns to shrieks as I get clobut she’s fast and escapes my grasp.
disappears into the light. I run out behind her
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the sun hits my eyes, and once again I
unable to see. She grabs my shirt from the
and pulls me toward her as she leans agains
side of the rock tower.“There’s something sorta nice about b
disoriented, isn’t there?” She’s as breathles
me.
I start to laugh again, but she pulls me
close. I don’t have time to think about ho
want to touch my lips to hers, we just do. S
warm, tastes sweet, and it feels like sometbig, something important. We’re finally kis
the way I’ve been thinking about for way
long.
I lose myself in her, in her mouth, the whaven’t since maybe my first kiss ever. I p
our bodies together as I pull her closer. I
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Amber in my chest, in places where I still
like pin pricks on a fresh bruise. As if this sim
act of liking her, of really liking her, compl
changes what a kiss is.
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o part of this book may be used or reproduin any form or by any means electronic
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Published by
ext Door Publishing
Copyright Septemnber 2012
The characters and events portrayed in this b
are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, li
or dead is coincidental and not intended byauthors.