“We Used To Share A Room…” UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD OF A GRIEVING SIBLING

Leslie Delp, MA

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Olivia’s House

830 South George Street York, PA 17403717-699-1133

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A GRIEF AND LOSS CENTER FOR CHILDREN

Nana Deitrich:w

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A BEREAVED SIBLING

Am I Still A Sister? We are often shuttled off to friends

and left out of our family. I know you do this to protect us from

painful feelings, but please…let us be a part of our family!

-ALLIE SIMS

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Identifying and Dispelling:

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THE MYTHS OF GRIEVING SIBLINGS

MYTHw

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When a sibling is dying, children have no problem

sitting on the sidelines of the family circle.

REALITY

Children become jealous of situations that keep their parents occupied, a dying

sibling is no different.

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MYTH

Parents have no problem determining where to put their energies when their

child is terminally ill.

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Most parents are torn between the dying child and their surviving children. This

dilemma is one of the most difficult at the time of the

illness.

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REALITY

Children are lethargic and sad all the time when

experiencing the illness and death of a sibling.

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MYTH

Children’s grief is often expressed through energy

and activity; It is called, a “grief burst”.

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REALITY

It is typical for a child to be a “Super-Perfect Kid” during the

illness of a sibling.

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MYTH

Some children strive to be super heroes when the family

is coming apart but most children act out negatively

while expressing their grief.

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REALITY

Children’s fears are often addressed during and after the death of their sibling.

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MYTH

Surviving siblings can have irrational fears that they

keep to themselves, as a way of protecting their grieving

parents.

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REALITY

Most children “move on” soon after the death of their

sibling since there is not a relationship anymore.

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MYTH

Children heal and process bereavement when

encouraged to “redefine the relationship” with their

deceased sibling.

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REALITY

Most teens are oblivious to their parents and could care less if they see them smile. They live in their own world

during the teen years!

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MYTH

Teens are very protective of their parents and tend to

assume the role of a parent while the parent mourns their loss. They feel most

secure when the family returns to a routine and

parents set boundaries again.

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REALITY

New siblings born after the death create harmony in the family because they fill the

empty void.

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MYTH

No child ever fills the void of a deceased child. The sibling

born after the death will create their own relationship

with the deceased.

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REALITY

Teens have no desire to have a social life or be involved in outside activities because they feel the need to stay close to home during and

after the death of a sibling.

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MYTH

The “Independence vs. Dependence” struggle is a

very real part of the developmental work a teen

must do as they process loss.

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REALITY

Children experience relief when their sibling finally passes and they feel very

little guilt at all.

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MYTH

All children feel a sense of relief when the family is no

longer observing a death vigil but it brings along an

enormous amount of guilt.

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REALITY

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.orgSamantha:AN UNCONDITIONAL LISTENER

Ways To HelpoROUTINEoEXERCISE AND SUNSHINEoPEER SUPPORT PROGRAMSoPROACTIVE BEREAVEMENT – “A TINY BOAT AT SEA”oRESOURCES SUCH AS BOOKS, JOURNALS, RITUALS

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To Those Who Don’t KnowIf you could imagine the loneliest moment of your

entire life, remember exactly how your body felt in that moment, empty those feelings into an expanding pill and swallow it.

Then you could begin to imagine what it feels like to live through the loss of your sibling. I have one hand in happiness, the memories we made together. And one hand in isolation, the world without my brother.

I constantly push and pull in an attempt to firmly remember, yet triumphantly live a positive life!

- SCOTT – WRITTEN IN MEMORY OF HIS BROTHER CHRIS

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