10/4/2015 dealing with difficult people dr. scott pelok university of michigan user group university

04/19/23

Dealing with Difficult People

Dr. Scott Pelok

University of MichiganUser Group University

04/19/23

Difficult People

We all have folks in our lives that make things more difficult that they need to be to work, play and enjoy ourselves. Whether it is at our workplace (a dental office) or in our hobbies and fun times (User Groups) we can related to the list of folks who seem to delight in making our life miserable. It is with an understanding of the drive behind these folks we are better able to deal with them.

04/19/23

Difficult People

Hostile- Aggressive Constant Complainers Silent and Unresponsive Super-Agreeable Negative People Know-it-alls Indecisive Stallers

04/19/23

Hostile -Aggressives

Sherman Tanks Snipers Exploders

04/19/23

Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks

Tanks always come out charging Not always physically, but their whole

demeanor expresses “ATTACK”

Arbitrary and Arrogant Consider others to be inferior to them

Leaves people feeling confused, helpless, frustrated.

04/19/23


Tanks have a strong need to prove to themselves and the world that they are right.

Tasks are clear and concrete to them. Ways to perform tasks are simple and

straightforward. They get impatient with anyone who

disagrees.

04/19/23


They usually achieve their short term goals, but at the expensive of relationships with co-workers and friends.

They seem incapable to receive or accept feedback about their impact on others.

04/19/23


Coping Stand up for yourself Give them time to run down Just get in there Get their attention Get them to sit down Speak from your point of view Avoid a head-on Be ready to be friendly

04/19/23


Stand up for yourself When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”. Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure

you heard what I said…: Describe your position in a non-hostile manner.

Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior of rolling over you.

04/19/23


Give them time to run down. Usually their outburst are meant to intimidate and

“push you back” Stand you ground without responding and give

them time to run out of steam. When they start to lose momentum, be ready to

jump into the situation.

04/19/23


Get their attention, CAREFULLY! They are expecting you to shy away from them of

not to resist. Call them by name (not a name). “BOB”, “Ms.

Winston!” and with authority. Drop a book or a pencil, but do NOT throw it. You

are attempting to break their tirade.

04/19/23


Get them to sit down. “Look if we are going to argue, at least get

comfortable.” Only sit when they sit.

04/19/23


Speak from your point of view. “I disagree with you” “I see things differently”

Don’t threaten, simply state your point of view.

04/19/23


Avoid a Head-On You may lose the battle:

If you become to aggressive in response, they may escalate their behavior.

They are very skill at this type of fighting, you are probably an amateur.

…OR worst: lose the war If they are your boss, the consequences are obvious. If someone else, you may instill the same feelings toward

you the tank did to you.

04/19/23


Be ready to be friendly Surprisingly, when you do stand up to the “bully”,

the tank will see you as one worthy of their respect and someone who is strong. This can be quite disconcerting is you are not ready for it and may interfere with a productive and valuable future relationship.

04/19/23

Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper

Snipers maintain a cover from behind which that can take pot shots at you. Innuendoes, sotto voce remarks, not-too-subtle

digs, non-playful teasing, etc.

They act friendly and non-threatening and leave you feeling “pinned down”.

04/19/23


When we witness this behavior we often wish the victim would respond and lash out against the assailant. But the sniper has learned to use our own social constraints to create a protective place from which to strike out their prey.

It is the very success in reducing others to inaction that reinforces the sniper to act as they do.

04/19/23


Understanding a sniper They have a very strong sense of what they think

is right and how something should be done. They think that they have a “superior “view” of a

situation and feel distain for others with differing beliefs.

Their expectation may be unrealistic and elicit further attacks when not answered.

They feel a need to be in control of a situation.

04/19/23


Coping Surface the attack Provide an alternative to a direct contest Seek group Confirmation or Denial of Attack Deal with Problems

04/19/23


Surface the attack If you are the victim of an attack, don’t ignore it.

Confront it! Smoke them out! “That sounded like a dig. Did you mean it that way?” “Do I understand that you don’t like what I am saying?” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”

04/19/23


Provide an alternative to a direct contest. You notice the above are all questions. Not assertions. The sniper will usually deny any such attack was intend

“What, who me?. No I agree with everything you are saying.”

They are less like to snipe in the future. Without cover, sniping is not possible. If however, they then tell you where you are going wrong, be

ready to assess the claims

04/19/23


Seek group confirmation or denial of the criticism If the sniper states :”This is the worst idea I every

heard”. You ask the group;’ Does anyone else see it this

way?” If there is confirmation, be ready to look for the problems

and deal with them. If the criticism is not supported, “I guess there is a

difference of opinion, could you be more specific?”

04/19/23


Deal with the problems Prevention

Regular meetings where people are comfortable to express ideas will lessen tension. If people feel they can speak and be heard they are less likely to take pot shots.

04/19/23

Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder

The classic adult tantrum Barely under control Escalation of fury to the point that objects and

blows may be thrown.

Can erupt during conversations that start out friendly and reasonable.

04/19/23


Almost always an automatic response to a situation which the person feels both thwarted and psychologically threatened.

The words or actions that elicit this response may be subtle, unintended or only partially intended.

The victim of the tantrum is often unaware of having said anything wrong and is likely to feel surprised and bewildered by the abrupt change in the situation.

04/19/23


Why does this work? It is a learned response from childhood. An exploder has found that a good tantrum will reduce a well-functioning adult to silence, passivity, or tantrums of their own.

04/19/23


Coping Give them time to run down Show your serious intentions Interrupt the Interaction

04/19/23


Give them time to run down. Just like the Sherman tanks, exploders will

eventually run out of steam. Be ready to jump in. If no pause occurs, however, be ready to stop

them verbally. “STOP! STOP!” “”WAIT A MINUTE!”

04/19/23


Show your serious intentions “I can see that is this is very important to you and I

want to discuss it with you. But no in this way” Loudly!

04/19/23


Interrupt the Interaction “I’ll be right back” You are buying time to let them cool off and

compose themselves.

04/19/23

Constant Complainers

Find fault with everything. The disguised message is that

someone (usually you) should be doing something about a situation.

Complainers usually sit down when starting a conversation. They figure they are going to stay for a while.

04/19/23


Do not confuse with problem solvers that have a genuine complaint. The are normally looking for solutions to concrete problems. Complainers by contrast will start on one topic and roll right into many more, seemingly endlessly.

04/19/23


One of the problems with separating problem solvers from complainers is there is usually some substance to both sets of complaints.

Complainers can easily turn the tables on their victims and make them defensive.

04/19/23


Two types The complete complainer -Everything is

presented to you since, you obviously (to their way of thinking) are at fault.

The Triangular complainer. This person complains to you ABOUT someone else and expects you to remedy the situation.

04/19/23


Understanding the problem: They do not think they are whining, the

honestly think they are addressing a problem that you need to address

“I’ve brought this to your attention, told you it is not the way it should be. I have done all I can do. Now it is up to you!”

04/19/23


Three factors make up the complainers world: They are powerless:

To make changes to the situation

They are prescriptive: They obviously know what is best

They are perfect: They are obviously blameless, innocent and morally

perfect in order to pass judgment as they do.

04/19/23


They point out real problems but do it in a way to elicit placating or defensive responses from others. Their frustration at the lack of constructive problem solving is genuine but self-defeating since it leads to more complaining.

04/19/23


Complaining can be understood as the only kind of active behavior that seems possible to those who feel powerless to determine their own fate. The believe that the causes of what happens to them is attributable to benevolent or malevolent others.

04/19/23


Complainers have a strong sense of how others ought to behave: They feel anger when others do not conform.

04/19/23


Complaining is self-validating since it provides a solid basis for complainers to confirm their own lack of responsibility for anything that is not done well.

04/19/23


Coping Listen attentively Acknowledge Be prepared to interrupt Use limited responses Don’t agree Avoid the Accusation-Defense-Reaccusation sequence State facts without comment or apology Switch to problem solving Last resort

04/19/23


Listen attentively Easy to brush off. Common to think: “Stop

Whining” Must be done in order to:

Allow the complainer to left off steam Lessen their sense of being dismissed and

powerless Provides you with information needed for

additional coping steps

04/19/23


Acknowledge Actively let them know you hear them Paraphrase the message End with your best guess about how the

complainer feels, “I can see you are pretty frustrated about this.”

04/19/23


Be prepared to interrupt If you don’t stop the continuous string of

complaints, they are likely to repeat themselves.

04/19/23

Constant Complainer

Use limited responses Complainer love words like “never” and “always”. You move toward problem solving if you can pin

down specifics. Eliminate the “nevers” and “always”.

“You never answer the phone.” “Okay you called on Tuesday and Friday, when

else?”

04/19/23


Don’t agree Acknowledge the problem, don’t agree to

it. It confirms your responsible for the existence of this problem.

04/19/23


Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation sequence. A common approach of the complainer.

The initial response from a listener may be interpreted as an accusation, which the complainer quickly turns into a defense, then reverses the tables and reaccuses the listener of the original matter.

04/19/23


State the facts without comment or apology Let facts stand on their own. Never try to one-

upsmanship a complainer. You will never win. Be specific

“You never answer my memos!” Let’s see, you last memo was 6/10/02 and here is

my response on 6/18/02”

04/19/23


Switch to problem solving Once acknowledged, work to resolve the

issues “When does this occur?” Are there times it is better?”

Assign limited tasks “Can you give me exact times and dates”

Get it in writing Easier to verify facts and follow up with details

04/19/23


Last resort Put it back in their lap.

“Where do you want this to go?” Won’t work the first time (usually), but gets

them into the problem solving mode to look for constructive suggestions.

04/19/23


The Triangular Complainer- Coping “Hove you told… about this?” “May I tell… about this?” “I would be happy to arrange a meeting

about this.”

04/19/23

Silent and Unresponsive

Noncommittal way to handle painful situations

Calculated aggression Evading themselves

Won’t or can’t talk when you need conversation from them!

04/19/23


Coping Techniques Closed ended questions -Wrong

“Do you have anything to add?” “Are there an questions or comments?”

Open Ended Questions - RIGHT “What is your reaction, so far?” “What do say about that?

04/19/23


Coping Techniques FSS - Friendly Silent Stare

Collecting thoughts Something to do/think while waiting Leverage

Don’t Fill in the Space- they are expecting this!

04/19/23


Comment on the situation “I expected you to say, something and you are

not. What does this mean?” Again an open ended questions

Recycle “Well, it looks to me like this is what’s happening. I

am waiting for a response and you are not saying anything. How do we get out of this bind?”

04/19/23


Responses “Can I go now?” “Not yet, I still have some things on my

mind.”

“I don’t know” “Well then please tell me about “X”

04/19/23


Break the Tension “What’s on your mind?” What are you thinking?” Am I wrong that you are feeling

uncomfortable (or irritated, annoyed, angry)? Expect to go either way

04/19/23


Set time limits Enough time for coping Important issues always last Energize the “clam” to open if time running

out.

04/19/23


The clam opens up Be attentive

Resist the urge to talk as well. They will freeze again.

04/19/23


Avoid the polite ending Well, thanks, we will try again later.

If a subordinate: This is important, we will get back together

tomorrow at 3PM…

If your boss: This is important, I will call you tomorrow for an

appointment.

04/19/23


Proceed on your own. If all else fails, proceed as if they agree:

Since you have nothing to add, I can assume you agree to this analysis and will comply with these specific points, or alternative consequences….

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

Always smiling, always happy, joking and having fun

UNTIL YOU NEED ACTION! Form signed Raise in writing Honest discussion

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

The problem We all need to be accepted, or liked. To do

so, they make others feel like and accepted.

They become difficult when their needs conflict with reality.

They commit to actions on which they cannot or will not follow through.

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

“I will have that report Monday” “I will be home in fifteen minutes.” “I will get right on it”

All promises are made in good faith. They may actually see it that way. Or they are usually hiding “bad news”

Short term benefits - Long term problems

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

Coping Make Honesty Nonthreating

“I really want to know what is happening, because I value your friendship.”

“I am really glad you liked that report, but every area can use some improvement. Which parts do you think could be better?”

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

Don’t allow them to make Unrealistic Commitments “I will be home in fifteen minutes.

“Well, it took me 45 minutes with traffic this time of day, so I’ll expect you are X+45”

04/19/23

Super-Agreeables

Be ready to compromise They are experts at the Win-Win situation

Be ready to give a little so that all parties can walk away feeling good about the situation.

04/19/23

Negative People

“That won’t work” “It’s no use trying” “We tried that last year” “Forget it, they will never let us do it”

04/19/23

Negative People

They are not aware of this underlying loss of faith in the future.

They see instead a constant flow of reasons why life's events cannot be dealt with in a positive way.

They believe that those in power cannot be trusted or will not act reasonably or consistently. They are angry and full of resentful acceptance of the fates.

04/19/23

Negative People

Negativists are people who, while at times are capable, have a deep seated conviction that any task not in their hands will fail.

Their negativism is elicited by others attempts to solve a problem or improve a procedure.

Because they believe others in power don’t care or are self-serving, their negative statements are made with conviction.

04/19/23

Negative People

Avoid getting drawn in Negative people can touch that potential

for depression in each of us.

04/19/23

Negative People

State Realistic Optimism Use real examples of past successes or

use analogy of current work

Don’t go for pie in the sky. Set real goals!

04/19/23

Negative People

Don’t Argue It is a waste of time and will only frustrate

you. They are firmly convinced they are right. They are sure of what will NOT work, you are not sure of what will.

Provide alternatives

04/19/23

Negative People

Don’t rush in: Fast answers to every question may not

success and only strengthen their point.

Negativists tend to lose substance when discussing problems rather that proposing solutions for them to “shoot-down”

04/19/23

Negative People

Set the Horror limit: “Look, suppose we got that account. Yes, I

know Bob thinks we cannot manage it, but what if we got it. What is the worst that can happen?”

Define the limits in the discussion and set the context on how negative views are to be interpreted.

04/19/23

Negative People

Use Negativism Constructively Once you have separated the

hopelessness and helplessness from the substance of the negative comments, you can listen to their advise as counterweights to the over-optimism of others.

04/19/23

Negative People

Be ready to go it alone They may try to sabotage you or go around

you, but more often they will grudgingly offer skeptical help.

04/19/23

Negative People

Review Be alert to the potential for being dragged

down into despair Make optimistic but realistic statements

about past successes Don’t try to argue away their pessimism Do not offer solutions until the problems

are thoroughly discussed.

04/19/23

Negative People

Review When alternative solution is considered, raise the

question yourself about negative results before they have a chance.

See the negativity as potential problems to overcome

Be ready to take action on your own Beware of eliciting negative responses from highly

analytic people by asking them to act before they are ready.

04/19/23

Know-it-alls

Bulldozers Do indeed know a great deal

Balloons Do not know it all. Have to pretend!

04/19/23

Know-it-alls -Bulldozers

Highly productive, thorough, accurate thinkers

Competent careful plans Carry through even when obstacles are

great. Exude feeling of power that they don’t

need anyone else

04/19/23


They leave others feeling like objects of condescension.

While usually right, they leave others feeling inept, confused or stupid.

Can elicit resistant, self-defeating behavior from others.

04/19/23


Leave little room for anyone else’s judgment, creativity or resourcefulness

Once they have set a plan in motion, they are almost impossible to stop, even when it looks like a failure.

When things go wrong, it is always someone else at fault.

04/19/23


Bulldozers have in common with non-difficult experts a strong sense that the accumulation and ordering of facts and knowledge can provide stability in a relatively whimsical world.

04/19/23


They believe that the power to affect their lives resides in them, and therefore tend to see the ideas of others as irrelevant to their own purposes.

The “know-it-all” quality that seems appropriate and equated with strength in their early lives has become associated with superiority and certainty of knowledge.

04/19/23


Coping Present alternative plans without attacking

or directly challenging their expertise. Do your homework Listen and acknowledge Question and suggest Don’t challenge

04/19/23


Do your homework If you come in unprepared they will mow

you down or dismiss you outright as incompetent

04/19/23


Listen and acknowledge Bulldozers do know something. You might

learn it along the way. Acknowledgement demonstrates your

understanding.

04/19/23


Question and Suggest Don’t confront, but be firm!

“Please explain to me why you think this will help?”

Don’t say “Okay, hot-shot, how come you can’t see this point?”

04/19/23


Alternatives as a detour “ I realize that this is not where we were going, but

lets take a minute to see if there are any useful ideas here.”

Extension Questions “How would that look in print?” “Where will this project be a year from now?”

04/19/23


As a last resort, choose to subordinate yourself to avoid static and perhaps build a relationship of equality in the future.

04/19/23

Know-it-alls

Balloons: The Phony Know-it-alls An object with thin flexible walls filled with hot air.

They speak with great authority about subjects of which they have little or no knowledge.

They are not liars, they really believe what they are saying

04/19/23

Know-it-alls -Balloons

An overwhelming desire to be admired and respected by others drives the balloons.

How better to achieve this than to be the “expert” on any topic being discussed.

04/19/23


Events that reinforce their behavior go like this: I want them to see how brilliant I am. What I am thinking sounds plausible, so its

probably true. If it is true, why not say so. Well, nobody is calling me a liar, so I guess

it is true. Now I know I am brilliant.

04/19/23


Balloons seek the admiration and respect of others by acting like expects when they are not

They often are only partially aware that they are speaking beyond their knowledge.

They are alert and curious about new information. This leads to trouble when sketchy or abbreviated information is asserted as a full and accurate picture of a situation.

04/19/23


Coping The key is to establish the facts without

quashing the person or making them out to be either a charlatan or a fools.Especially if they are your superior!

04/19/23


State correct facts or alternative opinions as descriptively as possible and as your own perceptions of reality.

Provide a means for the Balloon to save face. Be ready to fill in the conversation gap

yourself. Cope with a Balloon when he or she is alone,

when possible.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

When you depend on other people to do things for you- sending letters, signing checks/forms, turning in work- nothing is more maddening to find out they have done nothing because they cannot make up their minds about how to proceed.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Stallers have a tendency to put off major decisions until they “go away”. If it where not for the fact you needed them for some thing, let them be as indecisive as they wish.

Stallers avoid decision making to a absurd and unproductive limit.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Almost always pleasant and supportive Will nod and agree in a meeting Will ask pertinent questions Will not follow up with any action.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Understanding this behavior: They are usually people that want to be

helpful, but to everyone. For every important decision they must

make they see there will be potential disappointment or distress to someone else.

Want to contribute to the greater welfare of EVERYONE!

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Understanding Want to do what is right and proper, rather

than what is expedient. They place such an emphasis on quality

and value, they may sit on a plan that does not “measure up”.

They cannot bring themselves to do an job “quick and dirty”.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

They apply these heroic standards to their decisions and to you as well.

They can become disappointed and angry if you do not seem to care or have the same level of commitment they present to a project.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Their major tactic is to stall everyone long enough that the need for a decision disappears. “Can I do this now?”? “Wait till you father gets home.”… “Dad’s home, now can I do this?” Its too late for that.”

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Procrastination leads to greater toll for all concerned: Alternatives ways are not considered Others loss enthusiasm and commitment Stallers feel high levels of tension as the

demands increase upon them and are more likely to defer further.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Experts on indirect communication Instead of candid feedback and criticism,

they use hints and vague allusions. In general we accept this, as most times

we do not like to hear negative comments on our work or project.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Coping Surface the issues Help them Problem Solve Rank-Order Alternatives Link your plan to Quality and Service

Values

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Surface the issues Make it easy for them

“Even a good project has some points that are not the best. Can we talk about these?”

If you can open the door to talk about the little things the rest will follow.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Surface the issues Pursue sings of indirection

“This is a generally a good report” “This is what should be done”

Terms like “generally” and “should” are indications they are wavering.

What specifically is NOT good in the report? What do we need to get it done?

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Surface the Issues Consider it might be YOU.

They don’t think you are experienced enough or can handle the situation, but are not willing to confront you with the information. They are skillful at helping you NOT face reality.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Help them Problem Solve If it’s you:

Acknowledge your weakness. They are usually open to requests for help

State facts nondefensively: “Did you know that if you did this, you could get that?”

Present a plan: If you are willing to sacrifice something without looking hurt, they will usually open up.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Help them Problem Solve If it’s NOT you:

Asking Questions to define the problems “Is there a time when this can be done?” “Would it be helpful to have someone sit in on

our conversation?”

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Rank-Order Alternatives Limit to no more than two or three. Five

would be insurmountable. “Lets look at the options, then pick out the

best two to work with”

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Link your plan to Quality and Service Values Whenever possible, but only if it’s true,

point out why your alternative has superior qualities.

Link your plan to specific benefits to family, customers, clients, members.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Follow up Give support after the decision is made.

They may have seconds thoughts and retract a decision.

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Keep Control, Set limits: “Okay, this is my understanding, if I don’t

hear from you in two days, I can go ahead and order that part.”

“Fine, thank you. I will stop by tomorrow to pick that up from you.”

04/19/23

Indecisive Staller

Watch for Overload If pushed they can explode and make a

decision completely contrary to your intended goal.

Once they make a impulsive decision they often refuse to reconsider them.

04/19/23

References

Coping with Difficult People, Dr. Robert Bramson, PhD. DoubleDay Press, 1981

Coping with Difficult People in the Health Care Setting. Dr. William Umiker, Practical Laboratory Management Series, 1994.

10/4/2015 dealing with difficult people dr. scott pelok university of michigan user group university

Documents