12 lessons you need to learn before settling

7/25/2019 12 Lessons You Need to Learn Before Settling

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12 Lessons You Need ToLearn Before

Settling DownA U G . 7 , 2 0 1 2

ByNICO LANG

1. You dont have to get married right now. I know a lot of people

who are friends with me on Facebook disagree abot this, bt no one is

forcing !o to get married right now. I get it" #e were all sold the fantas!

offalling in lo$ein college and getting married after !o gradate. It%s

romance and heteronormati$it! and a lot of things that Amrrica reall!lo$es, and for a lot of people it works. &t !o%re 22 and not d!ing of

lekemia" the fantas! won%t be an! less fantastic if !o gi$e !orself three

or for !ears before !o ' I don%t know ' make the biggest decision of

!or entire life (st becase it%s what societ! e)pects !o to do. Instead, !o

need to make life decisions that match !or responsibilit!, commitment

and matrit! le$els, and if there are still Facebook pictres of !o half*

naked and passed ot drnk on !or bathroom floor, !o might not be

there !et. #old !o trst +indsa! +ohan with a marriage

2. On this note: LTRs arent a rison! and "ou dont have to treat

them that wa".-o know what pisses me off hat rhetoric at &achelor

/artiesthat the da! before !o get married is the last da! or !or life '

becase life is somehow o$er after !o get married /oor !o. I%ll make

sre to inform sa sa Gaborof that, who has been married eight times

and keeps going back for more. 3o one wants to go to prison that man!

times, e)cept for ma!be 4artin 5heen.

#. And! no getting a dog! getting hit$hed or having %a%ies wont

&i' "our re(ationshi. I think that 3icole 6ichie was a bad life e)ample

in this respect. If !o flash back to 200, 3icole 6ichie was a classic 8wild

child9 of the :rew &arr!more$ariet!. In and ot of rehab, 6ichie was (st

as famos for tabloid photos with /aris ;ilton and getting arrested for

heroin as she was for being +ionel 6ichie%s daghter. ;owe$er, after ha$ing

a bab! in 200


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releasing her own (ewelr! line and becoming something of a fashion icon.

And while it%s commendable that she was able to stop flashing her $agina

and become an adlt, ha$ing a bab! wasn%t the single thing that did that.

+ife is notJuno, and e$er!thing won%t fall into place for !o after !o psh

a giant screaming flesh ball ot of !or $agina like the bolder in Indiana

Jones. Teen Momand >ortne! +o$e pro$e this, conclsi$el!.

). One erson $ant %e ever"thing to "ou! and i& "ou e'e$t that!

"ou are going to %e misera%(e &or a ver" (ong time.-o know what

phrase I reall! hate he ?ne. I hate it becase it pins nrealistic celestial

e)pectations on whate$er person !o b! happenstance happen to be

connecting !or genitals with. If !o li$e in a $illage with 20 other people

and two are of marr!ing age, it%s statisticall! impossible. It doesn%t take

skinn! @onah ;illinMoneyball to figre that ot. 4ore than that, !osholdn%t (st ha$e 8one9 person in !or life. -o shold ha$e lots of

people" friends, famil! members, co*workers and baristas who act as a

commnit! that affirm !o e$er! da!. In particlar, coffee pro$es that I

cannot get e$er! pleasre I need from m! partner, and I sholdn%t e)pect

that. I need to be as in lo$e with the rest of m! life as I am with them, or m!

incessant neediness and co*dependenc! is going to trn the relationship

into Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf?-o can most easil! a$oid this fate

and be happ! and flfilled in !or relationship b! being happ! and flfilledotside of it.

*. +ridget ,ones (ied to "ou: "ou need to $hange. I think that the

central message of this mo$ie is nice ' that !o shold find someone who

lo$es !o (st the wa! !o are ' bt there%s a danger there. As the film

sggests, weshouldfind people who can accept or falts bt mst also

find people who lo$e s enogh to call s on or bll and help s be better

people. hink abot !or best friends. Are the! the kind of people who let

!o walk all o$er them 3o. he!%ll fight !o when the! think !o are beingnfair or being a bad friend and demand the best from !o. Find a partner

who does the same thing. -o%ll lo$e them for not ptting p with !or

crap.

-. Love means having to sa" "oure sorr".Love Storywas another

terrible inflence" -o%re going to sa! !o%re sorr! all the time. -o%ll sa!


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sorr! when !o%re wrong, when !o%re right, when !o don%t want to sa!

!o%re sorr!, when !o don%t reall! want to make p or e$en look at the

other person, when !o think !o can%t, when !o (st want to go to bed,

when all !o want is this stpid fight to (st be o$er. -o%ll sa! it on a

plane, in the dark, on a train, in a car, p a tree and places hmans ha$en%t

e$en disco$ered !et ' like @imm! ;offa%s brial site. In life, !o%re going to

be wrong at least 0B of the time ' and if !o%re George &sh a lotmore

' so (st get sed to it now.

. I& "ou $ant ta/e $are o& "ourse(&! "ou $ant ta/e $are o&

someone e(se. oo man! people get into relationships as a wa! to fi)

themsel$es or a$oid fi)ing themsel$es b! fi)ing someone else. -o don%t

ha$e to think abot !or own emotional wellness when !o%re focsed on

someone else%s. &t there are a lot of problems with that, becase !o willtake an! problems !o alread! had with !o into the relationshipC !o

carr! !or anger, !or baggage and !or brokenness. ;ow can !o make

someone else whole if what !o are gi$ing to them is broken he onl! wa!

to do that is to acknowledge that neither of !o is perfect or able to be

perfect. Instead, all !o can do is tr! and en(o! the broken grace that

lifeoffers !o and work on being the best that !o can be. he onl! wa! is

to tr! and do so together.

0. Not ever"thing is a%out "ou. ;a$e !o e$er read those Fred(ornals /eople ha$e isses, lots and lots of isses. :o the! seem cold and

distant one da! or in a weird mood hat%s not alwa!s !or falt, so don%t

assme that it is. I know far too man! people who will alwa!s blame

themsel$es for an!thing that%s wrong with their partner or an!thing that%s

wrong in the relationship. And it%s good to be accontable for someone

else%s feelings, bt !o need to be open enogh in commnication to find

ot what those are. All !o ha$e to do is ask. 6emember that in all things '

becase as Galileo and &ill 3!e taght s, !o aren%t the center of theni$erse or e$en their ni$erse.

. ometimes the" rea((" are thin/ing a%out nothing. 6emember

that time !o asked them what the! were thinking abot and the! said,

8?h, nothing,9 and !o got pset becase !o felt like the! weren%t being

honest ' becase 8Isn%t e$er!one alwa!s thinking abot something9 #ell,


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the! probabl! were, bt when someone sa!s the! aren%t thinking abot

an!thing, that means the! aren%t thinking abot an!thing interesting or

worth mentioning. And !o can spend e$er! minte of !or life

o$eranal!Ding that or picking !or entire relationship apart, or !o can (st

accept that the! don%t ha$e to tell !o e$er!thing. Accept the m!ster! in

!or relationship. As &enedict >mberbatch pro$es, m!ster! can be se)!.

13. You dont have to have ever"thing &igured out at

on$e.6elationships are trick! and take a lot of figring ot, especiall! in

that crcial stage where !o are tr!ing to figre ot if !o%re e$en in a

relationship. ;owe$er, in the rsh to label e$er!thing and skip to the part

where !o%re all settled and ha$e e$er!thing set, !o s=ander a lot of the

things that make relationships so e)citing. 5re, we talk abot the first kiss,

bt what abot the time before the first kiss, when !o are waiting to bekissed, (st hoping that the! will finall! (st lean into !o 5o mch of a

relationship is like that, that sensal waiting, and that%s what makes them

both so frstrating and wonderfl. I know we all want to skip to the ending

' the parts where !o host game nights together and do the 5nda!

crossword in bed ' bt don%t forget to (st en(o! the ride, e$en if that

means !o aren%t 8Facebook official9 !et.

11. 4ont tr" to date someone who is e'a$t(" (i/e "ou or

$om(ete(" 5gets6 "ou. he worst dating ad$ice was told to me a cople!ears ago, right after I was getting ot of m! longest relationship, tr!ing to

na$igate the single world again and not ha$ing mch lck. he ad$ice gi$er

told me that if I want to get a g!, I shold become the g!s I want to sleep

with and change m!self to be more like them. I think that%s sill!. ?ne of the

great things abot life is getting to know people who aren%t like !o, who

ha$e opinions that e)cite !o, challenge !o and piss !o off sometimes.

he! can teach !o new things abot the world and help !o disco$er a

new side of !orself !o didn%t e$en know e)isted. If !o onl! e$er date!orself, !o%ll ne$er change. And that%s not a relationship, that%s

mastrbation ' bt a lot more e)pensi$e and time*consming.

12. No re(ationshi is going to %e er&e$t! $(ose to er&e$t or even

in the %a((ar/.And that%s oka!. +ook at &rad and @en. 5ometimes


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perfect doesn%t trn ot so great. :on%t stri$e for perfect. 5tri$e for what

feels right.

12 lessons you need to learn before settling

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