Talking to

Childrenabout

domestic violence and

abuse

A guide for parents and practitioners

Compiled by Dinah Mears forthe ADVA partnership

What children need to hear about domestic violenceIt’s not okay • It’s not your fault • It must be scary for you • I will listento you • You can tell me how you feel; it is important • I’m sorry youhad to see/hear it • You do not deserve to have this in your family • I will help you to stay safe • There is nothing you could have done toprevent/change it • We can talk about what to do to keep you safe if ithappens again. (For example, staying in your room, going to neighbours, etc.)• You are an individual and can choose not to fight or hurt people

How to talk about your ex-partner:Speak about your “ex” in a general way • Try to avoid “name calling”Challenge behaviour not the person • Your child may still love theabusive parent and may be confused by feeling this way. This could behard for you too! But it will really help your child if she/he is able toexpress these feelings

Ideas for helping children whey they’ve witnessed DV:Talk about it with them then they are ready • Listen to them • Talkabout their feelings • Show understanding • Let them know it’s nottheir fault • Let them talk, if they want to • Let them know you will tryto keep them safe/act in a way that is safe • Let them know the violenceis not okay • Acknowledge it’s hard/scary for them • Accept that theymay not be willing or able to talk about it right away • Always act in away that is non-threatening and non-violent with your kids • Take themto counselling if they need it • Let them be children and try to shareyour own worries with another adult

Set limits respectfully if your child behaves in aviolent or abusive way.

For ParentsThese ideas are to help you support yourchildren. Children who live with domesticviolence feel:

Powerless:Because they can’t stop the violence

Confused:Because it doesn't make sense

Angry:Because it shouldn’t be happening

Guilty:Because they think they’ve done something wrong

Sad:Because it’s a loss

Afraid:Because they may be hurt, they may lose someone theylove, others may find out

Alone:Because they think it’s happening only to them

For Practitioners:

Benefits of Talking to Children about the ViolenceChildren feel safer • They learn that violence isn’t their fault • Theylearn that violence isn’t an okay way to solve problems • It helps themto feel cared for, and understood • Children learn that it’s OK to talkabout feelings

Emotional Needs of Children Who Have WitnessedDomestic Violence

How Denial affects ChildrenChild learns that the violence is normal • Child is afraid to talk aboutthe violence • Child is confused, doesn't understand • Blamesher/himself • Learns to deny and not to talk about their own feelings •Makes them feel like they are crazy • Makes them feel lonely, isolatedfrom their friends • Learns that it’s not okay to ask about the violence ordiscuss it • Gives the children unrealistic beliefs about the causes ofviolence

It’s a lot scarier for children when no one ever talks tothem about the violence

Examples of Ways of Overcoming ObstaclesBe patient. Don’t push it. Try another time. They usually hear youanyway • Acknowledge that it may be uncomfortable for you to talkabout the violence. Try to get more comfortable by talking to someoneyou trust • Acknowledge that it may be scary for you to remember theviolence. It’s scary for your kids too. Once you start talking, it may feelless scary • Acknowledge that saying that you don’t have time isprobably because it’s difficult, or you don’t feel capable of talking toyour child about it

Acknowledge that it may be uncomfortable for you totalk about the violence

Fear Fear of those they love intheir own home; wherethey should feel most safe

Be able to talk to someonethey trust about their feel-ings; learn ways to keepthemselves safe and toknow they have a plan forwhat to do when there isviolence; have a feeling ofcontrol in the situation (Iwill go over to my neigh-bours when it happens)

Anger Anger at the abuser, or atthe survivor for not leavingthe situation

Learn that it’s okay to feelboth anger and lovetowards someone; knowthat it is okay to love theirparent even when theyhate the behaviour theysee; know they are not badif they love the abuser

Confu-sion

Feeling they need to takesides (e.g. if I love Mum, Ican’t love Dad and viceversa)

Know that it is okay tolove both parents at thesame time

Child’s emotion Child needs to

Useful Contactswww.thehideout.org.ukWomen’s Aid website providing useful information and signposting specificallyfor children and young people living with domestic violence.

www.exeterwomensaid.org.ukThe Safe Project 01392 667 147 PO Box 219 Exeter EX4 3XQ

This is an Outreach project for girls and young women (aged 14-25) who areaffected by domestic violence. It covers Exeter, Mid-Devon and East Devon. TheSafe Project offers confidential one-to-one support, telephone support,signposting, information and training for agencies and information sessions inschools and youth clubs.

www.home-start.org.uk0800 068 6368

www.e-parents.orgNational Family & Parenting Institute430 Highgate Studios, 53-70 Highgate RoadLondon NW5 1TL

www.oneparentfamilies.org.ukOne parent Families 0800 0185 026

www.raisingkids.co.uk

www.parentingplus.org.ukParentline Plus 0808 800 2222

www.urnotalone.comInteractive web site for children

www.childline.org.uk0800 1111 (24 hours a day)

This web site provides information for both children and adults on issues ofconcern to children. Includes factsheets about different kinds of abuse, bullying,bereavement, and peer pressure. All children and young people in trouble ordanger can call for free and confidential advice or just someone to talk to. Noproblem too big or too small. You don’t have to give you name. If you prefer,you can write to them at: Childline, Free Post 1111, London N1 0BR (no stampneeded)

Talking to children about Domestic Violence isvery difficult for most people and takes a lot ofwork, patience and commitment.

Loss Loss of a healthy, safe fam-ily, loss of one parent ifthey leave (or the constantthreat of this); loss of com-fort in the home

Talk about feelings withsomeone they trust; devel-op a support system ofextended family or friendsoutside the home

Guilt/Respon-sibility

Guilt for causing the vio-lence, or not stopping it;feeling responsible for pre-venting the violence andtaking care of Mum/Dad orother family members

Understand that the vio-lence is not their fault; andthat it is an adult problemfor the adults to work out

Feeling life is unpre-dictable

Feeling vulnerable on adaily basis, with no powerto control about what willhappen

Find areas in their liveswhere they can have con-trol and make plans anddecisions; create a safetyplan with someone theytrust; create some struc-ture and stability wheneverpossible (creating daily rou-tines that provide a senseof control

Child’s emotion Child needs to

Printed June 2007

To request copies of this leaflet or more information:01392 382233 or www.adva.org.uk