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How come you have so many St. Joe ads in your Northlands Issue? When did KC an-nex St. Joseph?Don’t mean to sound critical. I actually en-joyed the paper. I’m a bicycle rider so I par-ticularly enjoyed the story on that subject.I also like the writing style of your publish-er. It will be interesting to see if the St. Joe focus will continue as you go forward. Otherwise, keep up the good work.Unsigned.

Dear Unsigned,You got us. We started in St. Joe and do business up there with a lot of places that market down here. As a new publication in

the Northland, it takes a while to develop relationships with all the local advertisers.Every month you’ll see more places down here and less up there.But the St. Joe influence will never dissa-pear completely.If you think about it, St. Joe is the biggest city north of the river, and barely over 30 minutes away for most of the Northland.It wouldn’t hurt our feelings at all if some of our Northland readers decided to try a night out in Joetown instead of heading south to one of the crowded, hard to park alterna-tives.In the meantime, thanks for reading.Joe

By Jay KernerPublisher/Road Warrior

Back when I was a suit, (hard to believe, but true!), I covered a lot of miles in company cars. It’s less of a pain when it’s somebody else’s gas, tires and brakes for sure, but the windshield time is the same whether it’s your car or not.

I know there are lots of folks that make my totals seem like the proverbial little old lady that only drives to church on Sunday, but I averaged from 30 to 50k a year for a couple of decades so I know more than a little about the subject.

I hadn’t done those kind of numbers for the last dozen years or so, but now, new duties have me back on the road again.

So here’s to the commuters. You live here, but make your money there. Your workday starts earlier and ends later than most everybody else’s. Lots of you do it every day, in spite of the fact that the road can make you crazy if you let it.

When I was a young salesman burning up the territory, I was a hard-rock radio guy. The music drove me.

I guzzled coffee and kept my foot on the gas as I screamed from stop to stop across Northwest Missouri.

Till a brand new driver ran a country stop sign and creamed me. I was too cool for seatbelts back then, and air bags were still a few years off. My head

smacked the windshield with exactly the right amount of force. Not quite hard enough to snap my neck, but plenty hard enough to knock the crap out of me (and possibly a little bit of sense into me as well.)

I’ve been a seatbelt advocate ever since and even more important, I formu-lated what I call “The Number 1 Rule of Driving.” Essentially, it boils down to assuming that everyone else on the road is trying to kill you.

If you’re constantly on the lookout for dumb-asses doing something stupid, you stand a better chance of survival when one does. (Which they eventually will.)

I’m nobody’s driving role model or anything, but I try to do a better job re-membering to buckle up and slow down. One thing I did was change to sports talk radio. I found I drove less aggressively, and I eventually knew all the details about the Chiefs’ third string tight end and the Royals’ draft picks tearing it up in the minors.

I kept that up for quite a while before discovering books on tape. That changed everything. Books made the time disappear. I’d be engrossed in the story, and suddenly realize my exit was coming up. I bought a few along the way, but discovered what a good collection the library offered. I was a regular customer till I finally got off the road.

Now after a long break from commuting, I find myself driving three days a week from St Joseph to Smithville, early in the morning and then back in the late afternoon. It was a rude re-awakening for somebody who was pretty used to his freewheeling schedule and occasional late hours. But it didn’t take many round trips before the rhythms of the road started to become routine again.

A commuter on a regular route has a front row seat to the weather and the changing of the seasons.

Starting in early January I left home in total darkness and saw the first pink of dawn as I arrived at my destination. A couple of weeks later I saw the sun come up as I passed Trim-ble. A couple of weeks after that, it met me in Gower. It came a little earlier every day till I was finally leav-ing in daylight. At least I was, right up till Daylight Savings. Now I’m right back to leaving in the dark again.

The upside is that I got to see a lot of beautiful sunrises and now I get to see the same progression over again. I’ve seen the farm fields in their winter blankets, and look forward to the first green growth of spring.

I’ve covered the route in rain, sleet and snow. I know the curves where the traffic slows. I know where the cops hide and which convenience store has the fresh donuts. (You guessed it, those last two are close together!)

My mileage numbers aren’t what they once were, but still I feel like I’ve rejoined the ranks of the road warriors. Out early with the go-getters who go out and get it and bring it back home. Modern day adven-turers taking to the highways and byways to earn their daily bread. And “keepin’ it between the ditches,” as they say.

Commuting Dear Joe,

Contact The Regular Joe816-617-5850

email@regularjoepaper.comP.O. Box 1304 St. Joseph, Mo. 64502

Read us onlinewww.regularjoepaper.com

By Danny R. PhillipsRegular Joe Music Guy

In his infinite wisdom, Jay Kerner, has given me this monthly space as a place to extoll the virtues of albums that have either enriched my life or irritated me to the point of mental collapse. Most of the albums to be examined here reside on the shelves of my home office in vinyl or cd form; some I no longer own but are stored forever in my jukebox brain.

In remembrance of the 20th Anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s premature death, Nirvana’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the re-issue of the band’s final studio album, I will pick my top five tracks from my favorite album of all time, Nirvana’s In Utero, as the inaugu-ral installment of “From The Shelf.” Unlike their sophomore effort, the musical landscape shifting Nevermind, In Utero did not have an anthem on the level of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” however, what it does have is twelve tracks filled with rust, power, bile, depression and pain. Within its grooves lie the sound of a man killing himself and a band running on all cylinders.

Produced by Chicago punk icon Steve Albini (Shellac, Big Black, Rapeman), In Utero is abrasive, corrosive, pissed off and dark. Deemed “unlistenable” by Geffen, the band’s label after leaving Subpop, In Utero is 45 minutes of Nirvana reaching the peak of their powers as a unit. It is also the sound of Cobain reaching the end of his thread; it is clichéd to say that the album is Kurt’s cry for help, but it is. Too bad no one heard it.

“Radio Friendly Unit Shifter,” my favorite track on In Utero, is minutes 51 seconds of venom. “Hate, Hate your enemies/ save, save your friends” is a line that stands out like a burning building in the middle of the night, a plea for someone to please do something before it’s too late. No one did.

Dave Grohl’s pounding drums and the relatively simple guitar and bass lines drive the power train that is “Scentless Apprentice.” Based on “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer,” a novel by Patrick Suskind, the song’s aggressiveness fits perfectly with the tale of a perfume apprentice with no smell of his own, killing virgins to make “the perfect perfume.”

“Milk It” is a quintessential Nirvana song. Following the loud/quiet/loud template laid forth by their heroes The Pixies, “Milk It” is ominous, keeps the listener off balance and when Cobain spits “Look on the bright side/ suicide” you know this person has never said anything more true in his 27 years.

“If you ever need anything please don’t/hesitate to ask someone else first” from “Very Ape” is one of favorite lines in rock, right up there with “I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth” from The Who’s “Substi-tute.” “Very Ape” is an explosion, a near perfect tsunami of sound.

Much like “Territorial Pissings” from Nevermind, “Tourette’s” is a nearly unintelligible mass of volume and jumbled words and grunts. Speed, speed and more speed coupled with ruptured vocal cords. One of the most punk rock songs the band would ever record.

If you are new to In Utero or want to hear it in a different way, there are two ways to go. One, pick up the 20th Anniversary Super Deluxe three vinyl LP set that contains the original album plus re-mixes of the songs “Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip,” “Mari-

gold,” a b-side that was the only Nirvana song to feature Grohl on lead vocals. Plus, 2013 re-masters of “Moist Vagina,” “Sappy,” “Pennyroyal Tea,” “I Hate Myself and Want To Die” and the original 1993 Steve Albini mixes of “Heart Shaped Box” and “All Apologies.” It is worth the money. Or, if you’re a record geek like me, go find the Black Friday Record Store Day vinyl release of Steve Albini’s 2013 re-mix of the en-tire album. I suspect it is the original album as it was handed in to Gef-fen originally. It certainly is not, as the foolish record executive thought, unlistenable.

Listen to Phillips’ free form podcast “Don’t Have a Clue” the second Saturday of every month at 4 pm cst on www.stjosephmusicfoundation.org radio

From The Shelf: Nirvana’s In Utero Joe Music -5

By Matt on MoviesMatt Meier

On May 2, 2008, comic book geeks and cinema-goers alike clambered to their local multiplex to catch the first of Marvel Studio’s films, Iron Man, featuring the infinitely likeable Robert Downey Jr. as billionaire superhero Tony Stark. At the time, it was odd that Marvel Studios -- a newly established branch of Marvel Comics --would choose to take a second-rate comic book superhero and turn him into a big budget movie hero. Despite these initial misgivings, the film went on to be a massive success, drawing in just over $102 million on its first opening weekend alone.

While the casual moviegoer fell in love with this new cinematic superhero, the comic book geeks were treated with a far greater revelation that occurred at the film’s coda. To sumarise, Tony Stark returns to his home, only to be greeted by Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), who informs Stark he is not the only super-hero in the world. Fury then announces that his purpose at Stark’s home is to tell him about the Avengers Initiative.

The excitement and internet uproar was immediate; casual moviegoers were left wondering what this coda meant, while comic geeks jumped up and down in joy. To those that knew the meaning behind the coda, it meant that Marvel was willing to do the impossible: to create a series of films that strung together, all within the same cinematic universe, and ultimately culminating in the superhero mash-up that was The Avengers.

Prior to 2008’s Iron Man, movie studios grabbed any comic book property they could collect in the hopes of creating a successful film or franchise. The earliest success in this cash grab began with the commercially and critically successful Superman, released in 1978. That film spawned three sequels, though quality declined near the franchise’s end. The modern comic book movie era be-gan with the release of 20th Century Fox’s X-Men (released in 2000), which led to two direct sequels, two spinoff films, a prequel, and an upcoming prequel/se-quel with this year’s X-Men: Days of Future Past. Other studios found success with various properties, including Sony’s Spider-Man (two direct sequels and a successful reboot with a sequel coming this year) and Warner Brothers’ Dark Knight Trilogy, which is the current gold standard in comic book movies.

Dozens of comic book properties have been adapted since 2000’s X-Men, with various degrees of success. The mantra as of late with studios is that if they can’t spin a successful film, they’ll shoot for a reboot, making mute any past films in terms of continuity. (As was the case with the Spider-Man and Batman franchises, and with an upcoming Fantastic Four reboot following this same premise.)

During the early era of the modern comic book movie renaissance, Marvel Comics signed off many of the biggest properties to various studies. This pre-vented the newly minted Marvel Studios from producing films based upon their own properties, as these other movie studios now had the film rights. However, Marvel Studios had an ace up their sleeve that they soon realized.

Diving into the complicated and intricate history of comic books, there is one name that is featured prominently within Marvel’s comics universe: the Avengers. This superhero team consisted of various famous Marvel heroes, in-cluding Iron Man, the war hero Captain America, and the Norse god of thunder, Thor. These properties, as well as several others, were still held by Marvel. With

this revelation at hand, a brilliant plan was beginning to emerge. Beginning with 2008’s Iron Man, Marvel Studios would begin putting out

character-themed superhero movies, with each film focusing on one character. Each individual film would serve to introduce a character to the general audi-ence. Once the characters were introduced, a culmination film featuring all of these superheroes would take place.

Such an audacious plan had never occurred in Hollywood before. The prospect of developing films based on little-known properties was not only a mere gamble, but an almost certain road to failure. Comic book movies may have been popular, but to assemble second rate characters into one big film? It shouldn’t have worked, but it did.

After four years of building up its character roster, Marvel Studios released The Avengers in 2012. The film was an unprecedented success worldwide; the film earned over $207 million on its first weekend alone, shattering box office records. The film would go on to earn over $1.5 billion worldwide. Only a mov-ie about a ship and blue cat people have earned more money at the box office.

Marvel continues to have huge successes with their film and television properties since the release of 2012’s The Avengers. The release of 2013’s Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World both continued the story of two prominent Avengers, while Marvel began the first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. on ABC, which followed the covert organization that lead to the creation of Mar-vel’s superhero team. You can catch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on Tuesdays at 7 p.m. on ABC.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe continues to expand today, with more television properties in the works, short films (known as Marvel One-Shots), and further theatrical releases. The next upcoming releases will be this year’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier and August’s Guardians of the Galaxy. Early reviews for The Winter Soldier point to it being the strongest Marvel yet, while Guardians of the Galaxy will move into new cosmic territory for the growing Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier hits theaters April 4.

Simply Marvel-ousBy Shannon P. Bond

I have never encountered every single trail condition in one race but that is exactly what we ran into during a full day of racing at God’s Country Fat Tire Festival in Lawrence, Kan. The original plan was to just race the long duathlon but they lure you into the mountain bike race by offering it for a $10 registration add-on. So, I figured I would make a training ride out of it. The list of race choices included the short duathlon, long duathlon and a mountain bike time trial. The short duathlon was a two mile trail run and 10 mile mountain bike ride on the same Lawrence River Trails. The long duathlon was double that, starting with the two mile trail run, 20 mile moun-tain bike and finishing with another two mile trail run. The time trial was a 10 mile ride with riders being released roughly every 30 seconds. This was new for a lot of us since it took the place of the traditional cross-country race.

The race didn’t start until 9 a.m., but since I live an hour and a half away, it was an early morning for me. At 5:30 a.m., after dunking my head in water and brushing my teeth, I shuffled to the car, and made sure my gear was loaded and the bike was securely on the rack. Having accom-plished this and silently congratulating myself on a successful early start, I punched the button on the garage, expecting to see the clear, slightly chilly day that the forecast had called for.

Instead, I saw a light dusting of snow and felt tear-inducing cold roll over me. OK, it’s not so bad, it’s early and I’m heading south, the trails will be fine. As I drove south though, things got worse. The light dusting turned into at least an inch.

There was no need to worry about the race being canceled, not with this hearty K.C. bike culture. Upon pulling in, I was greeted with the familiar scene of racers unloading bikes, stretch-ing and walking back and forth from the registra-tion tent. This race was going to happen. I happily parked and start-ed to feel better, until I opened the door to the bone chilling cold.

It doesn’t get

better than the mountain bike culture. All of the people that come together to share the suffering just warms my heart, even when it’s 20 degrees outside. We placed our bikes and gear in the tran-sition area and eventually lined up on the levy for the start. The initial run would dip into singletrack and back out onto the levy. The chatter finally died down and we were off.

Of course, the trails were covered in snow and ice for long stretches. The run had some slips and slides but the biking portion brought on a lot of the slippery fun. My low profile race tires were not cut out for this. I was sliding all over the trail. I latched on to a few riders who were keeping a good pace and we proceeded to pass the clusters. The long and short course racers were mixed so skillset and fitness levels were all across the board.

The first lap passed and we ran into snow, ice, sand and even some dirt. The second lap is where it got interesting. I felt like I was keeping a good pace. My nutrition was on, I wasn’t fatigued, and the trail was getting better. But, the cold released its grip on the frozen ground as hundreds of tires

rolled across it. Naturally, this turned the entire back half of the trail system into deep gooey mud. My tires gave up all together but I tried not to. I fish tailed and feathered the brakes around all of the treacherous corners, bridges and small climbs.

My pace went from satisfied in my mind to panic. I was losing tons of time, so I tried to push harder. This usually never works for me. I’m not a great technical rider and muddy conditions qualify as such (for me anyway). So what happens when I start to fatigue, am not comfortable with the conditions and try to push harder? Of course I crash. This time it was a cartoonish sail over the bars on what should have been an easy corner. Luckily the only thing it hurt was my pride, and confidence. I was only down for a few seconds before I was back on and resigned to a slower pace.

The conditions got better from there. By the time the lap was finishing, I was actually peddling on dirt, with clumps of mud ejecting in every direction. The run was even better, with only short bouts of mud. Overall, I finished sixth out of 18. As I suspected, a few of the folks I had passed on the bike, trotted past me on the run. I’m not a very good runner. Overall I’m happy, I just need to learn how to ride in the mud. An hour or so after we finished, it was time to race again. I was questioning this but was ultimately talked into it by my friends. I wasn’t worried about fatigue, I just wasn’t looking forward to slogging through the mud for another 40 minutes. But, the race gods had apparently been appeased because it was completely dry! You never know what they will give you and this time, it was fast flowy joy.

Next year, if you are looking for a fun race day or just starting out, check out God’s Country. It is a lot of fun, not very technical and may give you every riding condition you could ask for.

http://fattireduathlon.blogspot.com/

God’s Country Gives You All the Seasons

All-Star Rock Bar7210 NE 43rdThe RippersSaturday, April 5th 2014 @ 8pm

Minor Rewind-The Roman Alexander BandStraight LineSat 4/19

Bojo’s Bar & Grill5410 NE Antioch-in Gladstonecheck Facebook for updates

Brew Top Pub North8614 N. Boardwalk All Shows 10pm unless indicatedFri 4/4 KC Groove TherapySat 4/5 TransientsFri 4/11 Cherry BombSat 4/12 Money 4 NothinFri 4/18 WonderlandSat 4/19 Hazard CountyFri 4/25 Wonder Fuzz 9:30Sat 4/26 Blue Oyster Culture Club 9:30

Fat Fish Blue7260 NW 87th in Zona RosaFri 4/4 The TransientsSat 4/5 Kyle SextonFri 4/11 Jah LionSat 4/12 71 SouthFri 4/18 Old No. 5’sSat 4/19 RetroactiveFri 4/26 The Mighty Wax

Live Music Saturdays@ Boomer’s Bar & Grill 7932 N. Oak Trfy. Kansas City

Pat’s Pub1315 Swift in NKCEvery Wed nite Open Jam

The Hdeout 6948 N. Oak Open blues jam Sundays, 7 p.m.

Sherlock’s Underground858 S 291 Hwy in LibertyLeona Williams. Jimmie Johnson. Roy WilliamsFri, April 11, 8:30pm – Sun, April 13, 12:30am$25.00 Tickets.Every Wed in April , Oasis 8pm

Magoon’s Famous Deli 632 S. 8th in St. JoeThurs 4/3 Jeff HudsonFri 4/4 Nace Bros.Sat 4/5 Jerry Forney BenefitFri 4/11 Brody BusterSat 4/12 Justin Andrew MurrayFri 4/18 Page IISat 4/19 Lindgram & Lewis

Thurs 4/24 Jeff LuxFri 4/25 The MotorsSat 4/26 Mushroom Fest starts 12 noon.Tracy Huffman, Haze Gaddie, Motors, Souveneers9pm Missouri Homegrown (right)

9Live Music Hi-Lites across the Northland

original art by Running With Scissors

A Review by James Treu

Saki, 5225 NW 64th St, KCMO 64151 (www.sakikcmo.com), is a brand new restaurant right next to IHOP just off I-29. Its comprehensive (but not overwhelming) Asian fusion menu includes Vietnamese Pho, Hibachi, Sushi, a number of traditional dishes—Massaman Curry, Korean BBQ Short Ribs, Thai Curry, Moo Shu, Mongo-lian, etc.—and a number of house special-ties and noodle dishes (including Pad Thai), plus a pretty wide selection of appetizers.

Its young Chinese-American owner and his staff are savvy entrepreneurs (they also speak excellent English, in case any-one’s wondering). Not only is the place open seven days a week in the hardworking Chinese tradition, but you can order online for pickup. The restaurant has a website and a Facebook page.

Haven’t tried the order and pick up yet, but the dine-in experience is quite pleasant and inviting. I have been on two separate nights, a weekday and a Friday, and the

background music was dif-ferent each night but both ap-propriate and fitting volume. The layout of the restaurant gives just enough segment-ing to feel cozy and yet still feel that it’s definitely all one

restaurant experience. The house salad’s ginger dressing is

the best I’ve had, very fresh. The Asian Phoenix Wings are plumper than usual and quite tasty. The entrees have brown rice (at no extra charge!) as an option—an unfor-tunate rarity in too many Asian restaurants these days—and I am a big fan of brown rice. My Spring Garden vegetables dish was delicious, even though I had forgotten to tell them to leave out the tofu.

The Signature rolls are one of the crown achievements of the restaurant, IMO. My son, daughter, and I had the Lucky Dragon, Ocean King, Sakura, and Blue Crab sushi rolls, and they were all aesthetic delights as well as delicious. Even better, upon request, they made mine with brown rice! You might be curious when you go as to why they don’t give you a sauce dipping

dish to put some of the soy sauce (which is on the table) in. After you see the signature rolls, you’ll probably say to yourself they probably feel there’s no need—the sauces that are on the signature rolls are so palate pleasing as to be all you need. However, the wait staff will supply sauce dishes upon request.

The place comes with a full bar—far more than just sake—to indulge your spir-ited desires. We stayed with tea—green for my son and I; chrysanthemum for my daughter. The energetic owner made sure to fill each with more hot water when the pots were empty.

Several desserts were available. We went with mochi, the traditional rice flour infused ice cream. We chose mango, vanil-la, and green tea flavors. All were the best mochi we’ve ever tasted.

Fresh, delicious food, reasonable prices, great experience; will be back often! It’s well worth the minor irritant of less than convenient vehicle accessibility (anyone who has been to IHOP on 64th knows what I’m talking about).

Saki: A Jewel In The Northland Crown.

By James Crofutt One hundred and fifty years ago it was the

year 1864. The American Civil War was taking place and well into its third year. Fast forward to today and it is the Sesquicentennial of that war. But what about the Civil War here in Northwest Missouri? Ask most folks about it and many have no clue that the war made its way over to in and around St. Joseph, including a few small battles that took place between blue and gray. One of these fights was fought at Plattsburg, Missouri on July 21, 1864, between elements of the 89th En-rolled Missouri Militia (which was the Civil War version of the Missouri Army National Guard), and Provisional Confederate forces under the command of Major John Thrailkill. A Reenact-ment of this fight is being held at Perkins Park in Plattsburg, Missouri on the weekend of April 26-27, 2014. The event is being held adjacent to the original battlefield which today is on private property.

Plattsburg event activitiesUnion and Confederate Camps Open to the Public; Re-enactor drills

throughout the day; Ladies’ Tea and Fashion Show 10 a.m.; Quilt Show 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.; Blue vs. Gray Infantry Drill Competition 11 a.m.; Memo-rial Service Saturday 3:15 p.m. for Captain John Turney, Company E, 89th Enrolled Missouri Militia; Saturday dance 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.; and main battles at 1 p.m. Saturday and 1 p.m. Sunday.

Website: http://www.plattsburgmo.com/

History/1864BattleofPlattsburg.htmEmail: James Crofutt at Colonel@usmrb.org Other upcoming civil war battles and skirmishes: I encourage you to consider attending a Missouri Civil War reenact-

ment in 2014. Other events besides Plattsburg that are being held within easy reach of Northwest Missouri include: June 7-8 Kingston, Mo.; June 28-29 Camden Point, Mo; Aug. 30-Sept. 1 Lamoni, Iowa; Sept. 13-14 Centralia, Mo.; Sept. 20-21 Osawatomie, Kan.; Oct. 4-5 Nebraska City, Neb.; and Oct 24-25 Richmond, Mo.

Civil War Fight at Plattsburg, MO2014 Re-enactment and 150th Anniversary

SAKI—PREMIER ASIAN FUSION AT REGULAR JOE PRICES

in St. Joseph

By Todd Foltz

My girlfriend and I are in an interspecies relationship.

I bring this up not because it is germane to what I really want to write about, but because I am too nervous to get into it immediately. And by “germane,” I mean, “not Michael or Tito,” if you’re up on your Jackson 5 references.

Or “relevant” if you’re not.My girlfriend was driving me home the

other morning, and, unfortunately, her radio was tuned to National Public Radio.

The NPR moron was jabbering about clas-sical music. And he mentioned a pianist. But he failed to enunciate the “A.” Or the “T.” Liz began to giggle.

“He should have said “piano player,” I opined.

LIZ: I don’t think they have a position so plebian in orchestras.

ME: I wouldn’t want to dangle anything by those instruments. Pianos have teeth.

LIZ: You’re just nervous because you have to go to the urologist tomorrow.

ANYWHERE BUT THERESo I have to go to the urologist tomorrow.I’d rather go to the hangman. I’m wonder-

ing if they give away free bumper stickers at the urologist. I’D RATHER BE HANGING. That might be taken wrong.

No guy ever wants to go to the urologist. I pretty much had to be hogtied, and this is the second one who has tried to make an appointment with me in the past two months. I didn’t call the first one back. My excuse made my neurologist, who had referred me, laugh.

NEUROLOGIST: Why did you not call them back, Todd?

ME: Mumble.NEUROLOGIST: Why?ME: Mumble.NEUROLOGIST: You’re going to have to

speak up, Todd.ME: Because the receptionist who left the

message sounded hot.And she DID. And no guy wants a hot girl

to know he’s got to go to a neurologist for ANY

REASON. Even to talk about the weather in his pants.

UROLOGIST: You don’t want it too humid in your pants.

ME: Really?UROLOGIST: Nope. My hot receptionist

wouldn’t like it.ME: And then there’s the orang-u-tans.UROLOGIST: Exactly! Nobody likes

orang-u-tans in their boxers!

MULTIPLE SCLEROSISI have Multiple Sclerosis. It’s an autoim-

mune disorder where your white blood cells feast on the protective coatings around your nerves in your brain, making weird things happen to your body. It’s not fun, but in good news, it’s not fun. With me, I fall down sometimes. I forget a lot. Like, how to talk. Or to put the car in Park. And I’ve lost part of my vision. And the sensation in my left hand. And stuff hurts for no reason, randomly. And, there’s a reason I need to see a urologist.

But I don’t like to talk about it. Which, of course, is why I’m publishing something about it.

NEUROLOGIST: You know, that reception-ist could have been a troll.

ME: Yeah. A HOT troll. Have you seen trolls these days? Some of them are FINE.

NEUROLOGIST: Will you go to a urologist if I find one who only has old receptionists?

DATE WITH DESTINYAnd reluctantly, I agreed. So my Date with

Destiny has arrived. Gulp. I’m 44 now. That only makes

this worse. My family doctor, who gave me a frisky little physical from the front a couple years ago, laughed and said the next one was gonna require lubricant. “You’ll be due for ‘the works.’” Really? REALLY? That sounds like something for a car. I don’ t need an oil change.

And I don’t want to drop my drawers or expose myself or be groped or fondled. I save that sort of thing for the airport security lines.

My girlfriend is neither sympa-

thetic nor empathetic.LIZ: You should see what us women go

through.ME: I would LOVE to!In retrospect, maybe that wasn’t such a wise

thing to say.The last time I went to a urologist, I was 23.

They put me in a room that was air conditioned to Antarctic temperatures and told me to strip. With-in seconds, I had goose pimples larger than what I was there to have examined, and that’s when they sent in Miss America with doe eyes and a catheter the size of a fire hose. Twenty years later, I STILL haven’t forgiven that hospital.

THE P WORDThere are a gazillion reasons to be uncom-

fortable with going to the urologist. As a guy, in general, we’re goofily uncomfortable discussing our health or getting treatment, and that’s unwise. We need to be more mature and more aware of our bodies.

But our society also is uncomfortable with that region of the body. Nobody wants to talk about it. I’m still mortified from the first time I heard my grandmother mispronounce “pianist,” and that was 34 years ago.

“Piano PLAYER, Grandma!” I screeched. “Piano PLAYER!”

I believe it was Confucius or the Buddha who said, “Happiness is never hearing one’s el-ders say the last two syllables of that word.”

I have a feeling I’ll be reliving that tomor-row at the urologist. Given my druthers … well, to be honest, I’m not sure which is worse. I’ll get back to you on that.

My trip to the Urologist Add a Little Pep to Your Step!By Stefanie Baines, life coach, Mosaic Life Care

Spring is upon us, so why not put some spring in your step with a fitness program? Starting a fitness program may be one of the best things you can do for your health and happiness! Most of us are aware that physical activity can reduce your risk of chronic disease, help you lose (or maintain) weight, and improve your sleep. However, what you may not know is that regular physical activity is not only good for your body, it’s also good for your mind and mood.

Taking up a sport or fitness program allows you to feel a sense of control of your body and your health. Over time, you start seeing improvements and results. You are healthier, stronger and faster. This provides an enormous sense of self-worth, boosting your self-esteem. YOU did it through your effort and commitment! Physical activity can also serve as a positive distraction, shifting your focus away from your worries. Physical activity causes your body to release endorphins, which in turn increase your feelings of happiness and well-being for hours afterwards. Additionally, when performed with others, physical activity can provide social contact, improving social support and reinforcing friendships.

Need more proof? According to Duke University’s SMILE (Standard Medical Intervention and Long-term Exercise) study conducted in 1999, exercise was just as beneficial as the anti-depressant medication Zoloft in reducing depression! At the end of the four-month intervention, it was found that aerobic exercise was just as effective at treating depression as was Zoloft, or a combination of exercise and Zoloft. Six months after the study, it was found that exercise worked even better than medicine over the long term (Blumenthal et al., 1999).

If you haven’t exercised for some time and you have health concerns, you will want to talk to your medical provider before starting a new fitness routine. If you already engage in regular physical activity, I challenge you to increase your participation in some way. Run longer, lift more weight or join an advanced exercise class.

As a coach, I help my clients by exploring their overall health and fitness goals. What’s motivating these changes? Do they want to reduce or eliminate the amount of medications they

take, feel more comfortable in their clothes or be able to keep up with their kids/grandchildren? How is your current health status affecting other areas of your life such as career, finances or relationships? What might happen if you don’t make any changes? What can happen if you do make some changes? I ask them about their health and fitness likes and dislikes, and any personal barriers they might have. You are more likely to stick with something you enjoy. Who or what will help you stay motivated? Then we develop strategies for keeping their fitness program on track.

Physical activity is an important part of a healthy lifestyle and overall well-being. By planning carefully and pacing yourself, you can make physical activity a healthy and happy habit that lasts a lifetime.

Stefanie Baines is a member of the life coach team at Mosaic Life Care. Learn more about Mosaic Life Care at myMosaicLifeCare.org to locate a physician, service or office near you. Stefanie finds great joy in helping clients discover their own personal best; allowing them to live an effective, balanced and fulfilled life. She has a great deal of experience motivating people in making behavior changes, meeting clients where they are and helping them to reach where they want to go. You may contact Stefanie at stefanie.baines@mymlc.com or 757.748.1052 to experience a complimen-tary life coaching session.

References Blumenthal, J.A., Babyak, M.A., Moore, K.A., Craighead, E., Herman, S., Khatri, P., Waugh, R., Napolitano, M.A., Forman, L.M., Appelbaum, M., Do-raiswamy, P.M., and Krishnan, K.R. (1999). Effects of exercise training on older patients with major depression. Archives of Internal Medicine, 159: 2349-56.

www.myMosaicLifeCare.org

Mug Shots

We caught these folks out and about, north of the river. If you recognze any of these people, let ‘em know you saw their mugs in The Regular Joe.

in St. Joseph in St. Joseph

By Jay KernerHumans are such ridiculous creatures. We really are.And our crazy brains! (Wait, … is that just me? Naw, couldn’t be!)Anyway inside the brain… is bum bum bum bum, your mind!That’s right, your mind. The mind that turns these bags of skin and bones into who and what we are. They’re a powerful force, these minds of ours. Especially if we’re only using the 2% scientists claim. They’re powerful and complicated, too. You gotta’ watch your mind all the time!You can “lose your mind”, you know. (Or so I’ve been told.)Maybe it’s a coincidence that while we all know “a mind is a terrible thing to waste,” nearly conversely, “a waist is a terrible thing to mind.”You can have a dirty mind. (I suspect most of us do, but some of us hide it bet-ter than others).Geography has nothing to do with your “state of mind,” while carpentry skills won’t help with your “frame of mind.”You may have a “beautiful mind,” but it still appreciates having a load taken off of it.“Out of sight, out of mind” may give you “peace of mind” but it won’t stop people from giving you a piece of theirs.You can “mind your mother,” “mind your own business,” and “mind your P’s and Q’s”.Regardless of the cost, “pay no mind” to “mind-bogglers” with their “mind games.”Displays of “mind over matter” can “play tricks with your mind,” but “keep in mind” or “bear in mind” (your choice) that there’s a fine line between a “meeting of the minds” and being “out of your mind.”But to me, the most amazing feature of the human mind is our ability to change it.Think about it. You can make up your mind, and then change it. At least you can in theory.In practice, many of our species lock a fixed position in their minds, and you can’t change it with dynamite.Things like political parties and hair styles. Concepts rooted in another day and time that get drug into the present. Time some-times changes things but the hard-headed among us cling to old ideas like lifelines to the past.Clearly there are ideas worthy of continuation. Family, honesty, charity… you can go on and on. But there are plenty more, where we’re gradually, collectively, changing our minds.Some of our previous generations’ prejudices and peccadillos are slowly being pushed aside. But gosh, it’s hard.When you’ve spent your whole life walking stooped over with your knuckles dragging the ground, it hurts at first to stretch out and walk tall.But darned if it isn’t happening. Not fast enough to suit a lot of folks, maybe, but happening all the same. People are slowly letting go of some old ideas; some old ways of thinking. Things that were once unimaginable are now commonplace. Things once

perfectly acceptable, now less so.But is all this mind changing for the good? Well no, not entirely. Sometimes values and standards fall by the wayside, when crushed by the steady wheels of progress. But sometimes, the winds of change are blowin’ and we sort of col-lectively begin to change our minds. That, my friends, is organic progress. And that’s my favorite kind.

Changing Our Minds

“I do actually believe the portal

saved my life.”–Tom Smith,

pancreatic cancer survivor

To learn more about Tom’s story and how the portal can benefit you, visit myMosaicLifeCare.org/Tom

MY MOSAIC PORTALA new way to manage your health in one secure, convenient location.

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care providers.

Health Library

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topics library for medical information.

Mosaic and Mayo News

Stay informed with cutting edge health–care news.

Access Your Medical

Records

View your lab results, visit

summaries, patient chart and more.

Schedule Appointments

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online.

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your portal.

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