168___________________________finding my forever

8/12/2019 168___________________________finding my forever

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Other Books by Heidi McLaughlin

The Beaumont Series

Forever My Girl

My Everything – Beaumont Series !ovella

My "ne#$ected Forever

Lost in %ou

For &odie ' Emily



&immy (avis is a )omani*er +staya)ay

Hung out )ith &( tonight +e$ic,ail

- hate &immy .&(/ (avis +li,elesson

0112 3est4s &( is so ,reaking hot +inlove

5all me6 &immy +cant)ait,orne#time

- hate T)itter7 -t4s the )orst thing ever invented7 -t4s an avenue ,or )omen to slag me o,, every chance

they get and believe me6 they4re relentless7 - can4t 8uite ,igure out )hy they like to air their dirty laundry

all over the -nternet7 (on4t they realise that millions o, $eo$le see )hat they t)eet and 9udge them on

those :0; characters< =robably not6 is my guess7 They4re 9ust adding ,uel to ,ire ,or the ne#t girl )ho

)ants a bit o, &immy .&(/ (avis so she can brag to her ,riends7

>ight no)6 there4s only one girl - )ant a taste o,6 but she4s not here6 nor is she t)eeting about our night

together7 - should take that as a sign that she4s not interested6 but - don4t7 -t makes me )ant to have my

)icked )ay )ith her again6 sho) her e#actly )hat -4m all about7 -, - didn4t leave her begging ,or more6

then my game )asn4t u$ to $ar7

- sigh heavily and turn a)ay ,rom the door back to the bar7 The girl serving my drink )inks at me6

obviously thinking -4m interested because -4m looking in her direction7 Sadly ,or her6 she couldn4t be

,urther ,rom the truth7 - don4t $iss )here - eat7 The reason -4ve s)orn o,, relationshi$s has 9ust )alked

into the bar7 - can ignore her6 but she )on4t ignore me7 She likes to tease me6 tem$t me7 She $lays her

game to remind me that she le,t me )hen - thought things )ere $er,ect7

- $ut my $hone a)ay and study my beer bottle7 -t4s ,ascinating that the dark bro)n glass holding theamber li8uid numbs my $roblems7 - $ick at the label in a ,ailed attem$t to look busy7 -4m the $rey right

no)6 being hunted by the ,eminine )iles o, t)o )omen7 One6 -4d take in a heartbeat6 9ust to sho) her

)hat she4s been missing7 3ith the other one6 -4d have to be really drunk7 - like this bar7 lot7 - don4t

)ant to make the mistake o, shitting on my o)n doorste$7

.Hello6 &immy7/

- close my eyes at the sound o, her voice7 She ,inds me every year on this date )ithout ,ail7 - kno) it

)ell? it4s our anniversary7 So many things ha$$ened on this day7 - thought - )as smooth – al)ays doing

something s$ecial on the date )e started going out7 For the ,irst year6 - $ro$osed7 - sli$$ed a three@carat

diamond on her ring ,inger7 The second year6 a,ter - signed my contract )ith 0112 3est and )e became

,amous6 - bought her a house7 On the third year6 - caught her in our bed )ith another man7 3ell6 actually

it )as t)o men6 but the shock and hurt )asn4t any di,,erent7 She destroyed me7

5oincidentally6 each event ha$$ened on the same day6 our anniversary7 Each year6 ,or three years she

gave me a memory -4ll never ,orget6 no matter ho) hard - try7 God - love that day7

5helsea S$encer sits do)n ne#t to me7 Her name alone screams money7 - give her the once over6

starting at her shoes6 )hich are no doubt by some ne) designer -4ve never heard o,? and )ork my )ay

u$ her long6 toned legs7 - have every inch o, them memorised6 even )hen -4ve re$eatedly tried to ,orget

)hat they ,eel like )ra$$ed around me7 She4s )earing a black and )hite dress and her hair is styled to

$er,ection7 She4s a real li,e Barbie doll7 Everything about her is re,ined7 That should4ve been my ,irst



)arning sign )hen )e started seeing each other7 Her $arents hated me6 but she )anted to sho) them

she could make her o)n decisions and started dating the )annabe rock star7 Even )ith my ,amous

,ather and grand,ather - )asn4t good enough ,or her7

.3ell6 i, it isn4t my beauti,ul e#7 Tell me6 s)eetheart6 to )hat do - o)e the $leasure< -4m guessing it4s no

coincidence that you4re here on our anniversary< Time ,lies )hen -4m not thinking about ho) you tore

my heart out and tram$led on it re$eatedly7/

.(ramatic much6 &immy</

- shrug7 .&ust kee$ing it real6 love7/

5helsea never sho)s emotion6 at least not anymore7 3hen )e )ere together - made her laugh every

day7 Her mum told her that laughing )ould cause )rinkles and - told her -4d kiss each one a)ay7 !o)

she4s some straight@laced $iece o, totty )ho only smiles )hen she4s $aid a com$liment7 -t4s a $ity really

because she4s so beauti,ul )hen she laughs7

She orders a )hite )ine s$rit*er7 - try not to laugh at ho) stuck@u$ she4s become since )e broke u$7

3hen )e )ere together she )as a beer drinker7 -t4s ,unny ho) things change $eo$le7

.Ho)4s your business doing</

.3hat business )ould that be6 &immy</

- knock back my beer and slam the bottle do)n hard on the bar7 - signal ,or another and gain a )ink in

return7 Too bad she4s barking u$ the )rong tree7

.The escort service7/ - try to sti,le my laugh6 but to no avail7 5helsea sla$s me across my arm7 -t stings6but - don4t sho) it7 - can4t let her kno) that she still a,,ects me in any )ay7

.%ou4re such an imbecile6 you kno) that</

.%et6 here you sit ne#t to me trying to catch my attention )ith your legs7 -s this your )ay o, sho)ing me

)hat4s on o,,er6 because - have ne)s ,or you6 5helsea6 - ain4t buying it7 So )hat do you )ant</

5helsea turns in the stool and ,aces the bar7 .- sa) that the band ,iled a restraining order against

Moreno Entertainment7/

.%eah6 )e did7 3e4ve been having some issues )ith Sam7 (o you remember her</

.- do7 She )as an evil little thing6 )asn4t she</

.Still is6/ - ans)er be,ore taking a s)ig o, my beer7

.3as6/ 5helsea states7

.3hat do you mean6 )as</

She takes out a ne)s$a$er cli$$ing and $uts it do)n in ,ront o, me7 My eyes )iden as - read the article

Samantha Moreno )as ,ound dead in her a$artment a,ter an a$$arent drug overdose7 She is the

daughter o,A



- reread the ,irst line multi$le times so that - can recite it )ord ,or )ord7 - need to tell Liam7

.3hen did this ha$$en</

.>ight a,ter 5hristmas6/ 5helsea says7

The )edding )as a,ter 5hristmas7 -t makes me )onder )hether this )as a reaction to Liam getting

hitched7

.Look &immy that4s not )hy -4m here7 Obviously - had this in my $urse ,or a bit6 )aiting to ,ind you7/

- cock my head and glare at her7 She al)ays has an ulterior motive7 .3hat do you )ant</

.- miss you6 &immy7 - )as thinking )e should try again7/

.=ardon me< - think - misheard you7 -4m $retty sure you said you )anted us to start over6 but - kno) that

can4t be the case since mummy dearest )ould have a ,it and daddy )ould cut you o,,7

Surely you $re,er s$ending your dosh more than you like having me hanging around7/

.That4s not true6 &immy7 - made a mistake7/ nd she4s making one no)7 - ,linch )hen she touches me6

but that doesn4t register )ith her7 She kee$s her hand on my shoulder6 her $er,ectly manicured nails

tracing circles on my shirt7

. mistake< -s that )hat you call shagging t)o blokes in my bed</ - ,inish my beer and signal ,or my tab7

/Listen6 5hels6 - need to get going7 %ou can call me or )hatever6 but -4m not sure ho) the )hole dating

thing )ill )ork out7/ - kiss her on the cheek as - get u$ thro)ing some cash on the table ,or my bill7 Thing

is6 i, she4s serious6 -4d $robably let my heart take a kicking and take her back7

s the girl behind the bar takes my tab6 - have second thoughts about not $issing )here - eat7 -4m

,rustrated and - have needs6 and right no) - need to get 5helsea out o, my brain7 - signal to the girl )ith

the ,uck me eyes4 and she kno)s e#actly )hat - )ant7 5helsea4s mouth dro$s o$en7 She kno)s )hat -4m

about to do and right no)6 - don4t give a ,lying ,uck7

- shoulder my guitar )hile - )ait ,or my suitcases to sho) u$ on the baggage reclaim7 Thoughts o,

leaving 5helsea at the bar $lay over and over in my mind7 Most )ould call me an idiot ,or leaving her

behind last night )hen she4s $retty much an easy shag ,or me6 but the heartache that comes ,rom loving

her is too much to bear6 even i, it4s ,or one night or t)o7 Her incessant te#t messages clogged u$ my

$hone as soon as - disa$$eared )ith the bargirl7 She even had the nerve to ask me )hat - )as doing7 -

have no doubts that she listened outside the bathroom door7 The bargirl )as de,initely the sa,er o$tion

last night ,or sure7

5helsea4s $arents don4t a$$rove o, me and she al)ays listens to them7 They have the money that lets

her live a lavish li,estyle and )hile - kno) - could make sure she is )ell looked a,ter6 it )ould never be

)hat she4s used to7

- haven4t called Liam or Harrison to let them kno) -4d be back a )eek early7 Liam is still in his

honeymoon $eriod and Harrison is shacking u$ )ith his honey6 $laying house and all that cra$7 They

don4t need to o$en their doors to me )hen they4re busy like this7



- stand $atiently at the car@hire desk7 - didn4t make a reservation because6 to be honest6 - didn4t think -

needed one in such a small to)n7 %et here - am6 ta$$ing my ,ingers lightly on the desk )hile the clerk

bites her lo)er li$ and ,li$s her hair every so o,ten )hile staring at a com$uter screen7

Subtlety is obviously not her ,ortC7 - have no doubt that on the screen is her ,rigging T)itter $ro,ile and

she4s t)eeting something about me7 Maybe - should search ,or my name )hile - stand here and t)eet

her back7

- look at my )atch and e#hale loudly7 By the time she gets around to ,inding me a car6 - could be

knocking on Liam4s door and sitting do)n ,or break,ast7

.S)eetheart6 )ould it be easier i, - ,ound a di,,erent car@hire $lace to $rovide my trans$ort )hile -4m in

Beaumont</

.Oh no6 Mr7 (avis6 - )as 9ust communicating )ith our ,leet manager7 -4m $rinting the $a$er)ork no)7/

nd 9ust like that the $rinter starts s$itting out my hire contract7 ma*ing ho) that ha$$ens7

She $uts the contract do)n on the desk and sho)s me )here to sign my name7 3hen she hands me my

co$ies6 her business card is attached at the to$7

.5all me i, you have any $roblems7 -4ve even included my cell number in the event that )e4re closed7/

.ren4t you o$en t)enty@,our hours</ The look on her ,ace is $riceless7 -4ve never seen someone blush

so 8uickly be,ore7 Okay6 that4s a lie7 There4s that girl that -4m itching to see again7 - had her blushing in a

matter o, seconds6 )hich - think )as a record6 even ,or me7 "sually - have to s)eet talk and romance

them ,irst6 but not her7

- look around ,or a hidden camera7 This is a moment - )ant to document7 - )ink at her as - $ick u$ mykeys7 Her ,ace turns even redder7 She tries to smile6 but it looks more like a ,ro)n7 - ho$e she doesn4t do

anything stu$id no) that her attem$t at being se#y has ,ailed miserably7

- ,ind my car easily enough in their enormous ,leet o, ,i,teen vehicles7 - don4t kno) )hy $eo$le –

)omen6 in $articular – 9ust don4t come out and say )hat4s on their minds7 Hell6 maybe she could4ve $aid

me a com$liment7 That )ould4ve made my day7 But no6 they um and ah around the to$ic and the only

thing they succeed in is )asting my time7

3hen - $ull u$ at Liam4s6 -4m ha$$y to see Harrison is here7 !o) that -4m here it )ill give us more time to

,inalise )hat )ill be on the 5( be,ore Tyler arrives to start on the $roduction7 s much as - )ish )e )ere

in L doing this cra$6 - like coming out to Beaumont to esca$e reality7 There are no $a$ara**i to bug us7 -can chill out )ith ,amily )ithout $eo$le hiding in the bushes or analysing everything -4m buying at the

su$ermarket7 Liam )as right )hen he moved back7 The )ay o, li,e here is total serenity7

The only thing missing is the eye candy7 - need them7 They entertain me and remind me that -4m nothing

better than )hat my ,ather said - )ould be7 - )on4t be stu$id though7 - )on4t get any o, my girls u$ the

du,,6 and -4ll de,initely never get married7 Dids and marriage com$licate things7 My dad )as married to

my mum ,or a long time6 but had so many ,lings on the side that he lost track6 same )ith my

grand,ather7 - guess it4s in the (avis4 blood to not be tied do)n7



- )alk do)n the stairs to the studio7 Both o, them turn and look at me7 Their stu$id big grins tell me that

they4re u$ to no good7 Good thing -4m here to burst their ha$$y little bubble7

.Sam4s o,,ed hersel,7/

Liam and Harrison ,ree*e like statues and their mouths ,all o$en7

.3hat did you say</ Liam asks7

.5helsea came by looking ,or a shag and sho)ed me a ne)s$a$er article re$orting that Sam died o, an

a$$arent drug overdose 9ust a,ter 5hristmas7/

.She4s dead</ Liam asks again7

- nod and )atch ,or another reaction ,rom him7 -4m not gonna lie6 Sam being gone gives us more

o$$ortunities7 3e4ve been thinking ,or a )hile no) that she4s been in,luencing venues and blocking

them ,rom )orking )ith us and )e kno) ,or a ,act that she sabotaged our tour7 - never )ant to )ish

bad luck onto $eo$le6 but Sam not being in the $icture anymore is a blessing in disguise7

.That4s sort o, messed u$6/ Harrison says7 He4s right6 it is7

.- never )anted her to die7 - 9ust )anted to be ,ree7 3e4re ,ree6/ Liam says7

Harrison and - nod7 3e4re ,ree7

-4E managed to survive a vicious three@year marriage to the most vile man -4ve ever kno)n7 For years

he tried to get me $regnant and each time - did )hat - had to do to $revent it7 - ,eared the day that he

)ould ,ind out about my methods6 but it )as a risk - )as )illing to take7 There )as no )ay - could bring

an innocent child into the )orld )ith him as the ,ather7 %et6 here - sit6 surrounded by do*ens o,

$regnancy tests all telling me )hat - already kno)7 The s)ollen breasts6 tight ,itting clothes and$rotruding stomach are signs -4ve been trying to ignore6 but - can4t anymore7 -4m about to be a mother7

One slightly drunken moment and -4m $regnant and all - can think is thank God this child doesn4t belong

to my e#@husband7

%ou never kno) someone )ell enough7 - thought - kne) (amien Mahoney7 - loved him and thought he

loved me6 but - )as sadly mistaken7 Our courtshi$ lasted t)o years until )e )ere married in a ,airytale

ceremony7 My 5inderella )edding dress still hangs in my $arents4 closet7 - never )anted to $art )ith it6

even a,ter - le,t him7 My tiara sits ato$ my childhood dresser6 collecting dust6 no doubt7



Our marriage )as anything but a ,airytale7 - didn4t get my ha$$ily ever a,ter7 - got abused6 $hysically and

mentally7

!o one ever $re$ares you ,or the abuse6 )hether it4s by the hands o, the man your ,ather gave you to in,ront o, all your ,amily and ,riends? or by the hate,ul and hurt,ul )ords that come out o, the mouth ,rom

the one )ho vo)ed to love you6 )ho stood u$ in ,ront o, everyone and said he4d al)ays $rotect you7

3hen the ,irst sla$ comes6 )hen you ,eel the sting resonate across your cheek6 you ,orget those vo)s7

%ou ,orget that the man standing in ,ront o, you is your husband and you ask yoursel, )hy7

The ,irst hit came one night a,ter )e had been out )ith some ,riends7 3e started ,ooling around )hen

)e got home and - accidentally hit him bet)een the legs7 -t )as a knee9erk reaction to something he did7

- 9um$ed and caught him7 - a$ologi*ed and ke$t trying to touch him6 only to have him bat my hands

a)ay each time7 That should4ve been my sign to leave him alone6 but - ke$t at it6 trying to com,ort him7

His hand came across my ,ace so ,ast - didn4t have time to register )hat )as ha$$ening until - )as

holding my cheek and tears )ere ,lo)ing do)n my ,ace7

He held me tight7 =romised me it )ould never ha$$en again7 - believed him7

"ntil he lied7

,ter each incident he )ould beg me to ,orgive him7 He4d tend to my cuts and bruises7 He4d berate and

belittle himsel,7 He $romised me it )as the last time7

"ntil it )asn4t7

- learned ho) to hide my bruises ,rom my ,riends and ,amily7 - became a klut* every time -4d break my

arm or collarbone7 - $retended - loved him7

"ntil - couldn4t7

- stayed because - had taken my vo)s seriously7 - stayed because he sought hel$ and ,or a )hile it

)orked7

"ntil it didn4t7

Some )ould think that leaving )as the hard $art6 but that4s not the case7 The hardest $art )as calling

my dad to tell him that - needed hel$7 - had to )ait until (amien )ent on a business tri$7 3hen - kne)

he )as gone6 - ,inally ,ound the courage to call my dad and tell him everything7 He came that night6

$acked my belongings and took me home7 My dad never said anything7 He moved ,luidly through my

house )hile - stood there )ith tears streaming do)n my ,ace7 The car ride to my $arents )as thelongest ride ever7 He didn4t s$eak until )e $ulled into the drive)ay7

He sat there6 staring straight ahead )ith his hands holding onto the steering )heel7 He said6 .&enna6

you4re my daughter and i, - didn4t raise my hand to you6 then no man )ill7/ The ne#t night - le,t and

ended u$ in Beaumont7 - le,t my $arents behind7 - added my signature on divorce $a$ers that my ,ather

$re$ared ,or me and $romised to ,ile7 - le,t ,or a $lace )here - had no ties and )as ,ar enough a)ay

,rom the main road that - could blend in and get to kno) everyone7 -4ve been here ,or ,our years and

love it7 -t took me the ,irst t)o until - could ,inally )alk around )ithout al)ays looking over my shoulder7

- kno) (amien )ill ,ind me7 He4ll come ,or me7 -t4s only a matter o, time7



nd no) here - am6 ha$$y and sad that -4m $regnant7 - don4t kno) )hat -4ll tell my $arents7 They4ll )ant

to meet the man res$onsible and that4s 9ust not $ossible7 He has a li,e a)ay ,rom me and it )as a one@

time thing7 -t4s not like - can call him u$ and ask i, he remembers me and dro$ the bomb mid

conversation6 . oh by the )ay777/

-4m trying not to ,reak out7 - kno) - can do this6 but -4ll need more hours at the store or -4ll have to ,ind a

ne) 9ob7 - don4t )ant to 8uit on &osie though7 -4ll have to talk to her7 - $ick u$ all the a$$licators and

thro) them a)ay6 saving one7 -4m not sure )hy6 but it ,eels right7

The clock sho)s 9ust a,ter ,ive – - need to get to 3himsicality ,or o$en mic night7 This is a night )here -4ll

make decent ti$s7 !o) that &osie can serve alcohol6 nights like these have been a hit7 =eo$le sign@u$

)eeks in advance 9ust ,or the small ho$e that they4ll be $laying in ,ront o, someone ,rom 0112

3est7 The guys are usually in the back and rarely make an a$$earance7 Liam doesn4t )ant to take a)ay

,rom )hat &osie is doing ,or these artists7

- live on the same block on )hich the sho$ is located7 Living on Main Street has its $erks7 - don4t need to

drive and the only time - take out my beat u$ 5orolla is )hen - babysit the kids7 Everything is )ithin

)alking distance too? the bank6 grocery store and doctor4s o,,ice7 -4ve )aited almost t)o months? it4s

time that - make my a$$ointment7 - can4t $ut it o,, any longer7

- )ra$ my scar, around my neck as - ste$ out into the cold6 cris$ air7 -4m counting the days until s$ring7

!ot that it4s overly cold in Beaumont6 but -4m looking ,or)ard to some sun7 - )ant to )atch the ,lo)ers

bloom as they line the street )ith every color imaginable7 The trees in the $ark )ill turn nice and $ink

)ith the cherry blossoms7 - )ant to sit on the bench and rest my hand on my s)ollen belly and ,eel my

baby kick7

- )ant to en9oy these things )ith a $artner6 but that4s not $ossible7 -t )ould ,igure that )hen - ,inally

have enough courage to be )ith someone6 it4s a one@night stand and there4s no ho$e ,or us to get

together7 -t4s 9ust my luck that -4m attracted to the one guy )ho doesn4t really kno) - e#ist e#ce$t ,or in

some hidden room a)ay ,rom everyone7 - hate thinking that he doesn4t kno) my name7 -4m telling

mysel, that he does7 -4m )riting my o)n story ,rom that night6 one ,illed )ith unadulterated $assion and

lust7 night )here )e )atched each other ,rom the other side o, the room and )hen )e met in the

hall)ay6 alone6 )e kne)7

-t )as the ,irst time - had ,elt sa,e )ith a man in a long time7 Even though it )as 9ust se#6 he held me7 He

kissed me like he )as never going to see me again7 t least that )as true7 He moved his hands over my

body like he had been there a hundred times be,ore7

- kno) - can make a ha$$y story ,or my child6 one that in )hich the night he )as created )as ,ull o, love

and laughter6 that he )as loved ,rom the moment - ,ound out7

- take a dee$ breath and enter the sho$7 -4m $leasantly sur$rised to ,ind the guys here7

.3hat4s going on</ - ask no one in $articular7

.3e4re $laying tonight7 &( arrived early and )e4re bored7 The kids )ill be do)n to hel$ you bus tables

and >al$h is coming in to hel$ you bartend7/ Liam kisses me on the cheek a,ter he ,inishes rambling7

.re you e#$ecting a big cro)d</



.- t)eeted about it and $ut the )ord on the street6/ &immy ans)ers as he )alks by )ith a big bo# in his

hand7 He sets it do)n and starts $lugging cords into the back7

.%ou t)eeted</ - 8uestion7

. T)itter6 social net)orking6 innit</

.- kno) )hat T)itter is6 &immy7/

&immy smiles devilishly7 This guy is bad ne)s through and through7 .Stay o,, T)itter6 S)eet Li$s6 it4s ,ull

o, celebrity )annabe4s and )anna@don4t@be4s7/

He starts )histling some tune that - 4m sure is one o, their hits7 - su$$ose i, &immy t)eeted4 all his loyal

harems )ill be out in droves tonight7 That means shitty ti$s and rude )omen7 %ay6 ,un times ,or &enna7

- go out back6 take o,, my coat and store it in my locker7 - think it4s ,unny that )e have lockers6 but &osie

is all about sa,ety7 - admire her ,or that7 3e aren4t allo)ed to leave the sho$ at night )ithout someone

)alking us to our cars and6 in my case6 my a$artment7 She usually has Liam or Harrison do it6 but i,

they4re not around she calls her ,riend and local $olice o,,icer6 =aul Baker to come do)n7

&osie )alks in6 ,ollo)ed by !oah7 He looks bored and is $robably )ishing he )ere at home $laying video

games7

.&immy t)eeted6/ - say7 .- think that means )e4ll be busy7/

&osie starts to laugh covering her ,ace instantly )hen she snorts7 .Oh God6 ho) embarrassing6 - can4t

believe - 9ust did that7/

.- can6/ !oah says )ith a roll o, his eyes7 .%ou do it all the time7 -t annoys dad6 by the )ay7/

.Oh hush6 you6/ &osie $ushes him a)ay slightly7 .re you over the ,lu</ - nod7 - hate lying to her6 but

she4ll have so many 8uestions that -4m not ready to ans)er7 Truth is -4m not over it7 5ertain ,oods make

my stomach turn and -4m thank,ul none o, those ,oods are served here7

- )alk out to the ,ront and start making the co,,ee7 3e serve )ine and beer mostly7 For ,ood6 )e have

$astries and sand)iches7 - busy mysel, setting u$7 s soon as the doors o$en6 $eo$le ,ile in7 - ready

mysel, ,or our ,irst customer6 e#ce$t it4s not a customer )ho ste$s u$7 - give him a hal, smile6 the only

thing - can muster7 - don4t )ant $eo$le to kno) and ,or the li,e o, me can4t understand )hy he4s

standing here looking at me7 3e aren4t ,riends7 -t )as one moment6 a moment that -4ll remember ,or a

li,etime and one that he can ,orget about7



S-TT-!G in &osie4s ca,C and $eo$le )atching is entertaining7 t the table o$$osite me is a cou$le7 The girl

is dressed in 9eans and a 9um$er )hile her com$anion is )earing boat@shoes and a t)eed coat7 -t4s

laughable really6 the di,,erences bet)een the t)o7 - can already tell you6 )ithout even kno)ing her6 that

i, she had the o$$ortunity she4d go home )ith a band member7 !ot because o, )ho )e are6 but because

o, )hat )e re$resent7 (anger7 E#citement7 Her ,riend6 on the other hand6 )ould rather be in ,ront o, a

,ire6 smoking his cigar and )atching some boring documentary on T7 My betting is that the only

shagging style in his vocabulary is missionary7 His bird though6 - can tell she likes it rough7 - bet she likes

to have her hair $ulled and her arse s$anked6 maybe7 Their relationshi$ is in its early days7

They4re testing the )ater and it4s about to get rocky7 - should o,,er the $oor bloke a dinghy to save his

slo)ly sinking ego7

The ca,C $art o, &osie4s business is small6 but has a homey ,eel7 - like that - can come in here )henever -

)ant and $lay an acoustic set or 9ust sit in the corner and have a co,,ee7 She al)ays has ,resh chocolate

chi$ cookies too6 and - really like those7

&enna )alks $ast )ith a tray o, drinks7 She4s usually )earing a skirt or dress6 but tonight she4s s$orting a

$air o, black trousers that accentuate all o, her curves7 Her dark red hair is longer than normal7 -

remember she )as )earing it u$ ,or Liam and &osie4s )edding because - couldn4t sto$ staring at her

neck7 But - didn4t sto$ at her neck7 - took in every inch o, her body7 -4ve never been a $arts man6 but

looking at &enna makes me )ant to be one6 although -4d never be able to sto$ at 9ust one $lace as ,ar as

she4s concerned7

- have trouble talking to her and - don4t kno) )hy7 Our earlier conversation6 albeit short6 )as stu$id7 -

,elt like a com$lete num$ty )hen - )as trying to e#$lain )hat T)itter )as7 - think everyone6 e#ce$t

maybe ubrey6 kno)s )hat it is7 -4ve kno)n &enna ,or about year and don4t kno) anything about her7

Maybe i, - s$end more time in Beaumont )e can become ,riends6 although -4m kidding mysel, thinking

someone like her )ould )ant to be ,riends )ith someone like me7 She reminds me o, 5helsea )ith all

her little ,oibles7 &enna4s al)ays laughing )hen she4s )ith &osie and Datelyn6 and it hasn4t esca$ed my

notice that she4s never )ith a man7

- sit in the corner and )atch her as she )aits on the customers7 She takes them their ,ood and drinks

and does it all )ith a smile that lights u$ her ,ace7 - look around and )atch the tables ,ill u$ )ith

customers7 ,e) o, these $eo$le -4ve seen )hen -4ve $er,ormed here be,ore7 -t4s nice to recognise some

,riendly ,aces6 and -4ve $artied )ith them a cou$le o, times6 but all too soon they start taking liberties

and telling $eo$le they kno) the band7 !o one .kno)s/ the band unless they4re ,amily7

blonde girl )aves her ,ingers at me6 and - )ink back6 letting her think that she4s caught my eye7 - can4thonestly say that she has6 but she4ll ,lutter her eyes at me all night and -4ll ,lirt back until - see something

better come along7 Or maybe - )on4t7 Maybe she4ll be my ne#t con8uest ,or a cou$le o, hours6 although

-4d hate it i, &osie lost a customer because - de,initely )on4t be calling this one the ne#t day7

Liam says - should change6 but - take great $leasure in reminding him that he )as6 in ,act6 e#actly the

same )ay7 s is my dad and granddad7 -t4s in my blood to never settle do)n7 My mum )ould like me to7

She4d like me to ,ind a nice girl )ho4s going to love me and take care o, me6 one that )ill give her

grandchildren7 The thought makes me shudder7 !o kids ,or me6 not no)6 not ever7 - sa) )hat my

,ather4s cheating did to my mum6 so no thank you very much7 He learned his $athetic habit ,rom his



,ather and -4m not )illing to hurt anyone like that7 The amount o, tears my mum shed over my ,ather is

ridiculous6 he didn4t deserve them7 - don4t )ant a girl crying over me like that7

&enna carries her tray $ast me again6 $aying no attention to me7 3hat i, - need another drink<

Shouldn4t she )ait on me< !o6 she kno)s better and so do -7 Liam made it clear that )e4re more than

ca$able o, hel$ing ourselves around here7 - look around once more and catch the blonde staring again7

Maybe )e should get better ac8uainted7

- )alk over to her and lean do)n to )his$er6 .5ome outside )ith me7/ - don4t )ait ,or an ans)er and

make my )ay out o, the ,ront door7 - don4t care i, she ,ollo)s me or not6 she4s one o, many as ,ar as -4m

concerned7

- lean against the )all6 take out a cigarette and light it7 s soon as - take a drag the door o$ens and the

blonde ste$s out7 She looks le,t then right6 and smiles )hen she s$ots me7 - )ant to roll my eyes at the)ay she4s )alking7 She thinks she4s a su$ermodel on a cat)alk6 the )ay she4s strutting her stu,, and

$outing7 -, she4s trying to im$ress me6 it4s not )orking7 - only )ant her ,or one thing7

.Hi6 &immy7/

.re you a ,an</

.O, yours6 - am7/

=utty in my hands is )hat she is7 - take another drag and e#hale a)ay ,rom her7 -4m a dickhead6 but at

least - have manners7 - $ull her closer and run my nose along the underside o, her 9a) inhaling her

$er,ume7 -t smells s)eet and sugary6 not ,eminine at all7 -t4s a )arning sign ,or me7 -t4s al)ays the young

ones that smell like candy7 - can4t be too care,ul and de,initely can4t a,,ord any bad $ress7

.Ho) old are you</ - ask6 $ulling back7

.Tonight4s my t)enty@,irst birthday7 3e had $lans until )e sa) your t)eet7 3e drove an hour to get

here7/ Maybe - like T)itter a,ter all7

- $ick u$ a ,e) strands o, her blonde $onytail and t)ist them around my ,inger7 She ste$s closer and

$uts her hand on my chest7 She4s shy7 Her hand shakes7 She4s e#$ectant even though - can tell she4s

never done something like this be,ore7

.(o you )ant a birthday kiss</ - ask6 ,ully a)are o, )hat her ans)er )ill be7 She nods6 biting her lo)er

li$7 Her eyes go ,rom mine to my li$s and back again7 - lean in6 taking my time7 - )ant to $ut her on theedge )ith 9ust a little kiss6 because that4s the game - like to $lay )ith the ,angirls7

.&immy</ - turn my head shar$ly7 The girl4s head bounces on my shoulder7

.Sorry6 love6/ - say )ithout looking at her because -4m ,ocused on a very $issed o,, &enna7 .3hat4s u$6

S)eet Li$s</

.Liam is looking ,or youA - sa)A never mind7/ &enna )alks back into the ca,C be,ore - can say anything7 -

move a)ay ,rom the birthday girl only ,or her to grab my hand7 - ,ree*e and look do)n at our 9oined

hands7 - bring hers to my li$s and $lace a kiss there be,ore letting go7



.(on4t you )ant to kno) my name</

- shake my head7 .Sorry6 love6 it ain4t gonna )ork like that7/ - leave her standing there )ith )hat -4m

guessing is a hurt and annoyed look on her ,ace7 -t4s a ,ace -4ve seen many times be,ore6 but - can4t bearsed to care7

- stub out my cigarette and thro) it in the bin be,ore running u$ the stairs to enter the ca,C7 &enna4s

behind the counter7 She looks u$6 as i, she heard me )alk in6 but - kno) that4s not $ossible because o,

the old guy sitting in the corner $laying his ban9o7 - )alk $ast her and head into the back7 - sto$ be,ore

-4m out o, sight and turn7 She4s )atching me6 but looks back at her customer7 - don4t kno) )hat - can say

to her )ithout sounding like a total knob7

.&enna said you )ere looking ,or me</

.%eah )e4re about to go on7/

.Okay6 cool7/ - )alk back to )here - )as sitting and $ick u$ my guitar7 The crooner is 9ust taking a bo) –

)ho does that< The cla$$ing is so minimal that - almost ,eel sorry ,or him7 He )as here in the ho$e o,

gaining a ,an7 Sucks ,or him that his $er,ormance is about to become instantly ,orgettable7

man sits do)n ne#t to my table7 - can tell straight a)ay that he4s not ,rom here7 Thoughts o, a

$otential agent sli$ through my mind7 -t )ould be nice to have a ,ull@time agent again7 This bloke is

trying to hide7 He kee$s his hat on? the brim covering his eyes and doesn4t take o,, his coat7

Harrison and Liam )alk $ast me and - ,ollo)6 ste$$ing onto the makeshi,t stage7 3e are going )ith a

toned do)n6 acoustic version o, our songs tonight7 3e can4t really $er,orm like )e4re in a normal venue7

3e4d bust the )indo)s and - think Liam )ould be in the dog house i, he did that7 - $ut my guitar do)n

and sit at the $iano7 3e are starting )ith Guaranteed Tears6 )hich seems to be a ,avourite )ith the

radio (&4s these days7

Liam starts singing the lyrics and Harrison adds a so,t drumbeat6 enough to kee$ the tem$o o, the song7

&enna sto$s near the stage and $uts do)n three bottles o, )ater7 - )atch as she )alks to her ne)est

customer7 He doesn4t look at her )hen he orders7 - can4t take my eyes o,, her or shake the sudden bad

,eeling -4m getting ,rom this guy7 -, he4s an agent6 he4s not )atching us and it doesn4t look like he4s

listening7

&enna returns to his table )ith a tray ,ull o, drinks6 she4s making her rounds7 She $uts his glass do)n6 but

he looks u$ and she screams6 dro$$ing the tray all over him6 the table ne#t to him and the ,loor7 Glass

shatters6 getting Liam4s attention7

The man stands u$6 grabbing &enna4s arm7

- stand6 ,ro*en7 Liam 9um$s o,, the stage6 8uickly ,ollo)ed by Harrison7

.3hat the ,uck are you doing</ - hear Liam shout loudly7 Other customers are moving a)ay ,rom the

scene6 some o, them leave7 - ste$ o,, the stage and stand )ith my band mates7

The man looks at Liam )ith menacing eyes7 .!othing6/ he says through gritted teeth7 .-4ll be back6/ he

says to &enna7 He doesn4t 9ust let go o, her arm? he tears his hand a)ay causing her to scream out in

$ain7 She ,alls into Harrison4s chest7



Liam ste$s in ,ront o, the man7 .-, you need someone to $ick on6 -4m right here6 big boy7/ The man side@

ste$s Liam and )alks out o, the ca,C7

.3e4re closing6/ &osie shouts out to the remaining clientele7 .(on4t )orry about your tabs7 -t4s on thehouse tonight7/

Datelyn and &osie usher everyone out )hile Harrison holds a no) crying &enna7 - ,eel like a total shit ,or

not reacting sooner7

.3ho )as that</ - ask6 no longer )illing to be a s$ectator here7

.My e#@husband6/ she says through her sobs7 She4s the only one breathing right no) because )e are all

standing here6 not kno)ing )hat to say and6 9udging by the e#$ressions on &osie and Datelyn4s ,aces6 the

e# being here is not a good thing7

.-4M sorry7 -4m so sorry6 =rincess7 - didn4t mean to7 Look at me7/ He $ulls u$ my ,ace7 His eyes ,ull o, tears

as his thumb lightly caresses my cheekbone7 - )ant to think those tears are ,or me6 but ho) can - be

sure< My husband6 the man )ho vo)ed to love and $rotect me6 did the unimaginable7 - ,linch and try to

$ull a)ay6 but his ,ingers dig into my neck7 .Forgive me6/ he )his$ers as his li$s touch mine7

- nod6 ,ear,ul o, my voice betraying me7 -4ve never been hit in my li,e6 not even )hen - )as a child7

But my husband o, three months 9ust backhanded me7 His hand ,le) across my ,ace7 His knuckles

crashed into my cheek as his arm e#tended7 -t4s my ,ault6 - kno)7 - should ,eel lucky that he4s still sitting

here )ith me since - accidentally kneed him7

He $ulls me into his arms and onto his la$7 He rocks me back and ,orth6 holding me tighter and tighter7 -

)ra$ my arms around him a,raid to let go7 - cry into his shoulder as - try to ,igure out )hat 9ust

ha$$ened7 - kno) he didn4t mean it6 but that doesn4t lessen the ,act that it ha$$ened7

.- love you6 =rincess7/ He says this over and over again in bet)een $lacing kisses on my ,ace7 .%ou need

ice7 -4ll go get you some7/ He moves me o,, his la$ and onto the bed7 -4m scared to look at my ,ace7 -

don4t )ant to kno) )hat - look like7 -, the $ain that - ,eel is substantial6 -4m sure the evidence is going to

be horri,ying7 - lie do)n6 care,ul not to bum$ my cheek7 -4m trying not to cry6 but the tears come

regardless7 My heart is breaking7

(amien returns )ith a bag o, ice and a to)el7 He is gentle )hen he touches my ,ace7 - hiss at the

$ressure being a$$lied6 but kno) - need it6 even i, - don4t )ant it7 He cra)ls in the bed and sits behind

me6 cradling me to his body7 He ,its against me because )e are made ,or each other7 This is ho) - love to



slee$6 )ith his chest against my back6 but right no) - )ant to curl u$ into a ball and hide a)ay ,rom him

and everyone else7

- 9um$ slightly )hen - hear the door lock7 Harrison has one arm )ra$$ed around me7 His body is tensethough7 - can ,eel the strain in his muscles7

.3ho )as that</ &immy asks again7 - close my eyes and )ait ,or the room to sto$ s$inning7 - kne) he4d

,ind me6 but a,ter being gone ,or so long - ho$ed he4d sto$ caring7 - shouldn4t have stayed here ,or so

long7

.That6 a$$arently6 is her e#@husband6/ &osie says ,rom behind me7 She $uts her hand on my back6

reassuring me7 -t4s not going to )ork7 - need to leave Beaumont7 - can4t stay here and let them be in

danger7

s - move a)ay ,rom Harrison he takes my arm and guides me to the nearest chair7 Everything moves

slo)ly6 in a blur7 &osie and Datelyn sit do)n6 one on each side o, me7 Each $laces a hand on my back7They hover because they don4t kno) )hat else to do7 Me< - 9ust )ant to scream and head to the bus

station )ith no destination in mind and start over7

Liam and Harrison $ull out a cou$le o, chairs and sit do)n7 &immy stands o,, to the side6 staring7 - try to

o,,er him a smile6 a )eak one at that6 but that doesn4t change his e#$ression7 His eyes are cold7

.&enna</ Liam says my name so 8uietly that - can barely hear him over the sounds in my head7 - ,eel like

my head is submerged in )ater7 ll - can hear is (amien )arning me that he4ll be back in his cold6

menacing voice7 Everything echo4s around me7 - 9um$ )hen the co,,ee machine clicks6 alerting us that

it4s gone into slee$ mode ,rom lack o, use7

My hands are clammy7 -4m s)eating7 My teeth hurt ,rom grinding them together6 the learned res$onse

be,ore another blo) comes to my ,ace7

.&enna</ Liam says again7 - look at him and )ish - hadn4t7 The rage mi#ed )ith $ity is the same look my

,ather gave me the night he $icked me u$ ,rom my marital home7 Someho) - think i, - give him the okay6

he4ll hunt do)n (amien and make sure he can4t bother me again7 -4ll have to tell him the same thing -

told my dad - can take care o, it6 )hich is a lie7

- close my eyes and cry into my $alms7 &osie and Datelyn both hug me as - sob7 - don4t mean to be like

this6 but - can4t hel$ it7 - don4t )ant to leave them but - have no choice7 - )on4t $ut them in harm4s )ay7

They4ve all been so good to me6 but this is the only o$tion - have7

.- didn4t even kno) she )as married7/ - hear Harrison say7

.This is bullshit6/ &immy says7 - ,eel the table shi,t7 .&enna6 )ho the ,uck )as that guy</

.Her e#6 &(6 she4s already said7/ Harrison ans)ers7

.%eah6 - understand that6 but )hat the ,uck 9ust ha$$ened< He )as angry and he hurt her7/

.&enna6 you need to tell them be,ore &immy goes cra*y6/ &osie )his$ers in my ear7 - nod and )i$e my

tears7 3hen - look u$ the guys are )atching me6 intently7 Each one o, them looks con,used6 but also

angry7



- take a dee$ breath and close my eyes7 .- )as married to him ,or three years7 - le,t one night )hen he

)ent on a business tri$7/

.3hy</ Liam asks7

- o$en my eyes and look around the room7 &osie and Datelyn nod6 sho)ing me that - need to tell them

about my marriage7

.He uhA/ - s)allo) the lum$ in my throat7 .bout three months a,ter )e got married6 he hit me7 -t )as

a reaction to )hat - did to him and - believed it )as an accident6 e#ce$t he did it again a ,e) months

later7 Each time he did it6 he4d hold me and tend to me and $romised he4d never do it again7/ bottle o,

)ater a$$ears in ,ront o, me7 - don4t kno) )ho $ut it there6 but - say thanks to all o, them7 - take a long

drink be,ore - continue7 .The night be,ore he le,t ,or this )eek@long business tri$6 he beat me7 "sually it

)as one or t)o $unches6 but this time he ke$t hitting and hitting7 He said he )as making sure - didn4t

leave him ,or another man )hile he )as gone6 said that no one )ould )ant me i, - )ere bruised7

.- )aited hal, the night to make sure he )asn4t coming back and - called my dad7 He took me to the

hos$ital and to the $olice station6 but all they did )as take $ictures7 (amien4s best ,riend is one o, the

Sergeants on the ,orce and he ke$t asking me )ho did this to me and )hen - told him6 he 9ust shook his

head7 The ne#t morning my dad had all the necessary divorce $a$ers dra)n u$7 - signed and em$tied

our bank account and bought a one@)ay bus ticket across the country7 3e sto$$ed in Beaumont and -

didn4t get back on the bus7 - thought - )as ,ar enough o,, the beaten $ath that he4d never ,ind me7/

.3here are you ,rom</ &immy asks7

- sigh7 .Blaine6 3ashington7 -t4s a small to)n near the 5anadian border7/

.5ome on let4s go home6/ Liam says so,tly as he stands7 Harrison ,ollo)s and comes to stand behind

Datelyn7 He )ra$s his arms around her and kisses her cheek7 &osie stays )ith me6 her hand rubbing my

back7

.5an someone )alk me home</ - ask7 s much as - )ant to say goodbye to everyone and - think it )ill

be best i, - 9ust leave? - )ant to make it home ,irst and $ack a ,e) things7

.%eah6 -4ll )alk you back7/ ll eyes turn to &immy )ho stands there like )hat he 9ust said is no big deal7

.She4s not going home6 she4s coming to our house6/ Liam announces7 - o$en my mouth to $rotest6 but

he holds his hand u$7 .For all )e kno) he4s been ,ollo)ing you around and kno)s )here you live7

3e aren4t taking any chances until )e can get =aul to check him out7/

.=aul4s too busy )ith/

.3ith )hat6 doing $olice business< -t4s his 9ob and - kno) he doesn4t take too kindly to men )ho raise

their hands to )omen7 5ome on6 let4s go7/

&osie stands and takes my hand7 Lights are s)itched o,, as )e )alk out as a grou$7 - try not to look

around and see i, (amien is standing there6 )atching7 - kno) he is7 - can sense him cra)ling around on

my skin7 - huddle closer to &osie6 trying to hide7 -t )ill be no use though7 He4s ,ound me no)7 He4ll ,ind

me again7



- climb into the backseat6 ,ollo)ed not by &osie6 but by &immy7 Once the car doors shut and the dome

light goes o,,6 he slides his hand into mine7 - kno) not to think anything o, this7 He4s 9ust being kind6 but

it4s nice to ,eel his hand in mine7 -t4s almost like it4s the reassurance - need to leave my ne) ,amily

behind7

- lean my head on his shoulder7 He doesn4t tense like - thought he )ould7 He shi,ts so that -4m leaning on

his chest7 He holds me6 stroking my hair7 He kisses the to$ o, my head7 But as soon as - clutch his t@shirt

he $ulls a)ay7 - sit u$ and stare out the )indo)6 turning a)ay ,rom him7 Someday )hen he decides to

settle do)n6 - have no doubt he4ll be a good husband to someone6 although that someone )ill have to

be at least ten to ,i,teen years younger to kee$ u$ )ith him7 He )on4t have a $roblem ,inding someone7

The )omen ,lock to him6 they desire him7

- rest my hand on my stomach and rub my thumb back and ,orth7 This is the reason - need to leave7 -

need to $rotect my baby and - kno) its dad )on4t be around so leaving )on4t a big deal7 (amien can4t

kno) -4m $regnant7 -t )ill surely set him o,,7 His ,ace6 ,ull o, rage6 ,lashes be,ore my eyes7 He4ll kill me7 -kno) this in my heart7

&immy reaches ,or my hand again6 but - $ull a)ay7 - don4t need his sym$athy7 - don4t )ant it7 - )as stu$id

to stay here ,or so long7 -t4s time to leave7

3E sit around7 !o one4s talking7 Each one o, us is on eggshells7 Harrison is convinced )e )ere ,ollo)ed7

- didn4t $ay attention7 - )as too busy being sel,ish and )ondering )hy it4s okay ,or Harrison and Liam to

com,ort her6 but - can4t7 - $ulled a)ay ,rom her hesitantly )hen she grabbed my shirt7 - ,reaked out7 But

no) she4s $ulled a)ay and -4m le,t scratching my head7 She doesn4t kno) )hat that does to a man4s

ego7 Or maybe she does7 By her - mean &enna7 - )anted to hold her hand6 to let her kno) that -4m here6

but she doesn4t )ant that7

- take one look around the room and )alk to the ,ront door7 - need a break6 a breather7 The tension inthe air is so thick a kni,e )ouldn4t be able to cut it7 - get that everyone is )orried6 but -4m a ,irm believer

in letting the $olice do their 9obs7 Liam called his ,riend as soon as )e got here and no) )e 9ust )ait ,or

him to sho) u$7 Or ,or &enna4s e# to sho) u$6 )hichever ha$$ens ,irst7

-4m ho$ing it4s the latter7 - may have had my ,air share o, girls6 but - )ould never hit them7 That4s 9ust

something you never do7 This bloke needs his mother,ucking arse kicked7 He needs to kno) )hat it4s

like to get beaten u$ over and over again7 - kno) - could do some damage7 Harrison too7 But i, Liam ever

gets hold o, the little t)at6 he better ,ear ,or his li,e7 Liam may be a ,ormer high school ,ootball $layer6

but that doesn4t mean he didn4t kee$ u$ his $hysi8ue this )hole time7 He4s al)ays in the gym i, he4s not

in the studio7 Makes a guy like me look like a tooth$ick7



Lights ,lash in the drive as - ste$ outside7 - sit do)n and )ait ,or )hoever to )alk u$ to the ,ront door7 -

s)ear to God6 it better be their $oliceman ,riend because i, it4s that loser -4m going to knock the ever@

living cra$ out o, the bastard7

The mysterious driver gets out o, the car and heads to)ards me )ith his hand on his gun7 Seriously<

(oes he think that -4m the idiot )ho 9ust threatened his e# and am sitting on the ste$ having a cigarette

be,ore - go in< -diot7 Maybe it4s true )hat they say about small time co$$ers7

.3hat4s your name</

- stub out my cigarette and hold my hand out7 .&immy (avis at your service7 -4m not the guy you4re

looking ,or6 but -4d be more than ha$$y to hel$ you track him do)n7/ He shakes my hand6 but kee$s his

other on his gun7 He makes me )ant to roll my eyes at the stu$idity7 .=aul Baker7 Liam called about a

$ossible assault7/

.They4re inside7 -t4s a long story7/ - $oint to)ards the house7 O,,icer =aul Baker leans side)ays to look

inside the ,ront )indo)7 He )on4t be able to see anything though? Liam is $retty strict about $rivacy7

.5ome on6 -4ll take you in7/

- get u$ and $ut the cigarette butt back in my $ocket so - can thro) it a)ay in the house7 3hen - o$en

the door - e#$ect their talking to sto$6 but it4s still as 8uiet as it )as )hen - came outside7 =aul ,ollo)s

me into the living room7 Liam and Harrison stand )hen )e )alk in7

.5ome )ith me6 =aul6/ Liam says7 Harrison ,ollo)s7 - don4t kno) )hat -4m su$$osed to do7 -4m an

outsider regardless o, my status in the band7 - don4t live here7 -4m not )ith them every day7 - stand on

the in bet)een6 teetering back and ,orth7 - )ant to be here ,or &enna because - think she4s a to$ lass6 but

shit6 )hat the hell am - going to do< "$ and leave Los ngeles because this is )here my band mates

)ant to live< - live a li,e there6 my mates are there7 My dad and granddad are there7

- look around the room and see &osie and Datelyn6 but not &enna7 .3here4s &enna</ - ask ,or reasons -

kee$ to mysel,7

.She4s not ,eeling )ell6 so she )ent to lie do)n7/ &osie ans)ers7 - look at the stairs and )onder )hat

room she4s in7 5ould she be in the one - use )hen - stay here< She could be6 es$ecially since - told Liam -

)ould stay in a hotel this time so he and &osie can have some $rivacy7

- nod and )alk a)ay7 -, she4s not sitting do)n here it4s not like - can go u$ and see her7 - could $retend

that -4m tired and that - ,orgot - )as staying some)here else7 - could go and sing to her like my mum

sang to me )hen - )as sick7 - don4t think she4d go ,or it though7 -4m $retty sure she )ants nothing to do

)ith me7 -t4s easier this )ay7

- ,ind the guys sitting around the kitchen table7 They4re telling =aul )hat the dickhead looks like7 - didn4t

get a good look7 ll - sa) )as the black hat and long coat7 5hrist6 - thought he )as an agent7

-nstead he )as biding his time until he could $ounce on &enna7

- $ull out an em$ty chair and sit do)n7 - guess this is $robably the best $lace ,or me to be right no)7

- can4t o,,er su$$ort to &enna )ithout raising sus$icion and right no) neither o, us need that7



.(id you get a good look at him</ =aul asks me7

.!o6 - didn4t7 - sa) him sitting there be,ore )e )ent on7 - thought he )as an agent7 -t )asn4t until - sa)

&enna dro$ her tray that - kne) something )as u$7 But - ,ro*e7 - should4ve beaten the cra$ out o, him)hen - had the chance7/

.Me too6/ Liam adds7 .3e didn4t kno) there )as an e# until today or the e#tent o, their relationshi$7 -,

)e had6 you4d have him sitting in the back o, your $olice car7/

.He has $olice connections too6/ Harrison adds7 Liam and - nod7 . ,riend on the ,orce in Blaine6

3ashington6 that4s )here they4re ,rom7/

.nd you 9ust learned all this tonight</

.My )i,e4s kno)n ,or a long time7 She and Datelyn )eren4t shocked at all )hen &enna muttered the

)ord e#7/

Liam looks like he4s dee$ in thought and it makes me )onder i, he is thinking about ho) long it4s taken

him to ,inally make &osie his )i,e7 Once he got her back6 he didn4t shut u$ about her7 !ot that )e

minded6 )e love her – it4s as i, she4s al)ays been a $art o, this adventure7

.- should $robably talk to &enna7/

.-4ll go get her6/ - volunteer6 $robably too 8uickly7 Liam and Harrison look at me like - have t)o heads7 -

try to $lay it o,,7 .- have to use the bathroom any)ay7/ - e#cuse mysel, and take the ste$s t)o at a time

until -4m on the landing7 The door to the room that - usually stay in is closed7 My ste$s are 8uiet6 in case

she4s slee$ing7 - knock so,tly7

.5ome in7/

- t)ist the handle slo)ly and $ush the door o$en7 The bedside lam$ is on and &enna4s lying on her side6

holding her stomach7 - can4t imagine )hat4s going through her mind right no)7 -s she holding hersel,

because the memories are so vivid<

.Hey6 S)eet Li$s7/

She smiles so,tly7 - like that - can make her smile )ith her nickname7

.- should ask )hy you call me that6 but not tonight7/

.!o6 not tonight7 Let4s save that 8uestion ,or another time6 like )hen you can really a$$reciate my

ans)er7/ - sit do)n ne#t to her and $ull her legs onto my la$7 - can be a good ,riend to her6 maybe her

best guy mate i, that4s )hat she needs7 .&osie says you4re sick6 )hat4s )rong</

.Flu6/ she ans)ers 8uickly7

.My mum used to give me tea and then she4d sing to me7/

.(id it )ork</



.God6 no7 My mum can4t bloody sing and - can4t stand tea so it )ould make me ,eel )orse7 She liked to

sing though because it )ould make me smile7 3ant me to sing to you</ &enna curls her arm underneath

her head and looks at me7 .%ou never take the lead on stage6 ho) come</

- shrug7 .-t4s Liam4s band7 - 9oined a,ter he and Harrison had already signed a record deal7 - 9ust do )hat

-4m asked7 -t4s easier that )ay7 Besides -4m more talented7 - can $lay the guitar6 $iano and harmonica7 -

could $robably bang out a decent beat on the drums too i, - tried7/

.%ou )ant to sing to me</

.%eah6 i, it )ill make you smile6 -4ll do it7/

.Okay then6 let4s hear it7/

- clear my throat and try to say something6 but nothing comes out7 She laughs and although that )as the

reaction - )as going ,or6 - didn4t )ant it to be at my e#$ense7 .Give me a minute to think o, something7/- act like -4m thinking7 - ta$ my ,inger to my tem$le and think o, some )ords - can thro) together that

)ill sound almost decent7

.Okay6 ready</

She nods7

. -4ve never ,elt like this be,ore7 - see our shi$ comin4 ,rom the shore and that hori*on in your eyes is like

tobacco sunburst7 ,ter )e set sail6 there4s gonna be storms7 &ust don4t lose ,aith in me cause -4ll kee$ us

on course7 >emember this day6 it4s )ritten in the stars7 3e4re on our )ay to ,orever6 girl it4s not that

,arA/ - trail o,, and have to look a)ay ,rom her7 - don4t kno) )here those )ords came ,rom? they4ve not

only shocked me6 but her as )ell7

She $ulls her legs out o, my la$ and sits u$7 .3ho )rote that</ - shrug7 - can lie and say -4ve heard it on

the radio or say that my dad did or - can tell her the truth7

.My dad6/ - say7 -t4s the easy )ay out7 .He used to sing it to my mum a lot that4s )hy - remember it7/ -

get u$ and )alk to the )indo)6 looking out to survey the area7 5an someone climb u$ to the roo, to get

in< 5hances are yes he could6 i, he4s determined6 but Liam has a state o, the art security system in $lace7

!o one is getting into this house i, he doesn4t )ant them to7

.ny)ay6 the $oliceman is do)nstairs7 - )as su$$osed to come and tell you7/ - don4t look at her be,ore -

leave the room7 She doesn4t ask me to )ait ,or her6 even though -4m not e#$ecting her to7

- o$en the door and head back into the hall7 - )alk do)n the stairs as 8uickly as - can7 - need to se$arate

mysel, ,rom this situation7 - 9ust did something -4ve never done be,ore and -4d rather ,orget about it7

- smell her $er,ume be,ore - hear her coming do)n the stairs7 - mistakenly turn to )atch her )alk do)n7

The memories are there6 but - ,ight them7 - don4t need a reminder7 - shake my head and )alk to the

,ront door7 - need the ,resh air to get my mind straight7

s soon as - sit do)n and light my cigarette the ,ront door o$ens7 - kno) it4s her7 - close my eyes and )ill

her a)ay7 - don4t understand )hy she4s hell@bent on torturing me7 She sits do)n ne#t to me and )ra$s

her arms around her legs7



.%ou shouldn4t do that7/

.(o )hat</

.Smoke7/

- stub out my cigarette and blo) my smoke a)ay ,rom her7 -, she doesn4t )ant me smoking in ,ront o,

her6 - )on4t7

.Sorry6 it4s a bad habit7/

. lot o, musicians smoke6/ she says7 She4s right6 it makes our voices ras$y and the girls love that shit7

.%ou4re su$$osed to talk to that guy in there7/

She looks back at the house7 .He4s going to ask me out7 He has in the $ast6 and -4ve al)ays told him no6

but - have a ,eeling he4ll say it4s ,or $rotection or something7 - haven4t dated anyone sinceA/

.Tell him you have a boy,riend7/

.But - don4t7/

.So tell him -4m your boy,riend7/ - don4t kno) )here those )ords come ,rom6 but the look in her eyes

tells me that she likes the idea7 - )ant to take them back6 but that )ould be an idiot move to make7 .&ust

because you tell him )e are6 doesn4t mean )e have to act like it unless he4s around7/ - add6 9ust to set

the record straight so she doesn4t get the )rong idea7

.Okay7/

.Okay6/ - say6 kno)ing -4m totally ,ucked7

THE summer be,ore my tenth grade year6 - met (amien Mahoney7 - )as instantly in love7 He )as older

and se#ier6 )ay se#ier6 than the guys at my school7 That summer he asked me to be his girl,riend7 - said

no7 - )asn4t allo)ed to have a boy,riend until - )as seventeen6 so that )as the only ans)er - could give7

He4d meet me a,ter he )as done )ith his classes and )alk me home7 Each day he asked again and the

ans)er )ould al)ays be the same until he ,inally asked me )hy7 3hen - told him6 he sat on my ,ront

$orch and )aited ,or my dad to come home7 - )atched out the )indo)6 $eeking through the curtains

every ,e) minutes )ondering )hen he4d give u$ and go home7 He didn4t7

- never asked my dad )hat he said to (amien7 - )as too embarrassed7 The ne#t day at school - ,ound a

note in my locker6 . 3e can4t be boy,riend and girl,riend6 but )e can $retend7/ Hearing &immy say )e



can $retend means something else though7 (amien )anted me7 &immy doesn4t7 He4s 9ust doing it to be

nice so =aul )ill back o,,7 -, - )as smart -4d latch onto =aul and ho$e that maybe he4d be okay dating a

$regnant )oman7 Maybe he )ants to be a dad and )ouldn4t mind taking on someone else4s child7 -

kno) in my heart that the baby4s dad )on4t care7 He doesn4t )ant kids7 He doesn4t even )ant a )i,e7

&osie has mentioned it in $assing one time too many7 s ,ar as un$lanned $regnancies go6 this takes the

cake7

- could tell him6 but -4m not sure - could deal )ith the look on his ,ace7 - don4t kno) ho) -4d take his

retreating backside as he runs ,or the hills7 - don4t need his money and maybe he )on4t reali*e the

timing7 - kno) giving him the o$tion is the right thing to do6 but - don4t )ant him around out o,

obligation7 3e both scre)ed u$ that night7 3e both don4t need to $ay7 -4m $er,ectly ha$$y taking on

the motherhood role )hile he lives his $layboy li,e7

&immy doesn4t look at me and ,ive minutes into our $retend relationshi$ -4m already getting the cold

shoulder7 .- guess - should $robably go in7/

.%eah he4s )aiting to ask you some 8uestions about your e#7/ &immy looks at me over his shoulder7

.%ou kno) he4ll never touch you again6 right</

My li$s ,orm a thin line7 .- kno)6 but honestly that scares me7 - don4t )ant you guys to get hurt because

o, me7/

.%ou4re ,amily6 &enna7 Liam and Harrison )on4t let anything ha$$en to you7/ - nod7 -t doesn4t esca$e me

that he said Liam and Harrison7 3hat about him< He4s $robably not counting himsel, because he )on4t

be here ne#t )eek7 Mister .blo) into to)n6 break some hearts and leave again/6 9ust )hen )e4re used

to him coming around7 - get u$ and )alk back into the house6 leaving him on the $orch7 He con,uses me7-, he4s su$$osed to be my $retend boy,riend don4t you think he4d )alk me in and act like it in ,ront o, my

suitor< !ot &immy7 - have the most obtuse $retend boy,riend in the history o, $retend boy,riends7

.&enna6/ =aul says )hen - enter the room7 - )ant to turn back around and head outside and sit in silence

)ith &immy6 but - ste$ ,or)ard )ith a ,ake smile on my ,ace7 - sit do)n ne#t to Liam and Harrison even

though there4s a seat ne#t to =aul7 He looks at the em$ty seat and shrugs7 .Had a scare tonight6 - hear</

.%eah6/ - say6 because )hat else can - say< !o6 - )asn4t scared that my $sycho e# )ho beat the ever@

loving shit out o, me sho)ed u$ in the to)n )here -4ve been hiding ,or the $ast ,our years<

.3hat4s his name</

- look do)n at my slightly $rotruding belly7 - kno) no one sus$ects anything6 you can4t tell unless - li,t

my shirt u$ and - )on4t be doing that until - can ,igure out a )ay to tell &osie7

.&enna</

."mA sorry7 His name is (amien Mahoney7/

=aul )rites do)n his name on his note$ad7 .- have to ask this6 but is &enna =almer your real name</ -

shake my head slo)ly7 - ,eel all eyes on me6 but - can4t look at them7 .&enna4s my ,irst name6 but =almer

is something my dad came u$ )ith7 He had some documents made u$ )ith the name be,ore - le,t

to)n7/



.Ho) do you think he ,ound you</

.- don4t kno)7 - call my $arents once a )eek ,rom a dis$osal cell $hone7/

.%ou4ve taken a lot o, ste$s so he can4t ,ind you7/

- nod7 -t seems like it as - tell them6 but it didn4t )ork7 .- guess not enough since he ,ound me7 - should4ve

le,t Beaumont a year a,ter - got here7 That )as the $lan7 That -4d move around to kee$ the trail cold6 but

- met &osie andA )ell it4ll be almost ,ive years here and - couldn4t bear to leave7 But -4ll be gone soon7/

.3hat do you mean</

- look u$ to see &osie and Datelyn standing in the entry)ay7 - bite my li$ to kee$ mysel, ,rom crying7 .-

need to move on7/

.!o you don4t6 you can stay here7 3e4ll $rotect you ,rom this sicko6/ &osie says7

- shake my head7 .- can4t $ut you and the kids in harm4s )ay7 - don4t kno) )hat he4ll do and - couldn4t

live )ith mysel, i, he hurt one o, you or the kids7 -t4d kill me7/

.Leaving might be a bit drastic7 Let me look ,or him and see )hat - can do to di,,use the situation6/ =aul

o,,ers7 .- think you4ll have enough $rotection here7 Liam has his normal cre) and he4s already s$oken to

them about adding sta,, around everyone7 -, )e can kee$ the $a$ara**i out o, Beaumont6 surely )e4ll

get an abusive e#@husband out7/

.Okay6/ - say6 but have no intention o, staying7 -t )ill also be best ,or the ,ather o, my baby i, - 9ust leave7

My luck6 my baby )ould look 9ust like him and everyone in to)n )ould kno)7 - kno) ho) &osie ,elt6

es$ecially )hen Liam came back7 Everyone sus$ected that he )as !oah4s ,ather6 but she never let on7

But )hen Liam sho)ed u$ in to)n6 everyone4s sus$icions )ere con,irmed7 They4re getting their ha$$y

ending though7 - )on4t be so lucky7

.For no)6 - hear you4ll be staying here7/

.Oh no.

.%es she is7/ Both Liam and &osie say at the same time7 - don4t kno) )ho to look at ,irst7 - choose &osie7

She4s standing ne#t to the table )ith her hands on her hi$s7 She4s challenging me to de,y her7

Liam has his arm resting on the back o, my chair7 He cocks his head to look at me7 He4s )aiting too7

!o )onder those t)o make such a great $air7

.- have an a$artment7/

.nd he $robably kno)s about it6/ Liam says in his ,atherly tone7

.My things are there7/

.3e4re going over there tonight )ith =aul to get your things7 %ou can come6 but -4d $re,er it i, you stay

behind7/

.Liam6 there are things )omen like to $ack themselves7/



.Then you go )ith us6 &osie7 - don4t think it4s a good idea ,or &enna to be out there tonight7 He4s out

there )aiting ,or her7 He $robably kno)s )here she lives and is 9ust )aiting ,or her to come home and

that4s not ha$$ening on my )atch7/

.Or mine6/ Harrison adds7

.Mine either6/ =aul says7 The only one missing is my $retend boy,riend )ho hasn4t come back in7 - don4t

kno) )hat he4s thinking6 but i, he4s serious6 no one is going to believe that he4s my boy,riend7

.Mine either7 - )as )alking around outside and noticed a car do)n the road7 3hoever is in the car has a

torch because )hen - started )alking to)ards them6 it )as s)itched o,,7 -, it4s him6 he4s looking ,or an

o$$ortunity7 &osie and - can go and get &enna4s stu,,6 but - think Liam and Harrison should stay here )ith

&enna7 =aul6 you should leave and circle back around and maybe check those license $lates unless he

,ollo)s us out o, here7/

The room goes 8uiet as &immy stands in ,ront o, us7 3e hadn4t heard him come in6 but the room ,allssilent )hen he s$eaks7 Mouths o$en and close again7 !o one4s sure )hat to say in res$onse to his

outburst7 He must4ve been thinking about this ,or some time to come and assert himsel,7

.Sounds like a good $lan6/ =aul says6 standing u$ and leaving the table7 Everyone starts shu,,ling around

me7 My need to move on6 to leave Beaumont6 has ,allen on dea, ears7 -, -4m to do this6 -4ll have to do it in

the dark o, night7

.3hat do you need ,rom your a$artment</ &osie asks )hen she sits do)n ne#t to me7 She has a $iece o,

$a$er and a $en in her hand7 Her $a$er says mommy notes and - reali*e that the kids are no)here to be

seen7

.3here are the kids</

.Mr7 =o)ell has them7 3e thought it )ould be better i, they stayed a)ay tonight7/

.That4s not ,air7/

&osie looks u$ and smiles7 She rests her hand on to$ o, mine7 .%ou4re ,amily6 &enna7 %ou4re im$ortant to

meA to us7 =lease let us hel$7/

.He4s dangerous7/

.%eah )ell my husband is big and likes to hit things so he can be dangerous too7/ - kno) she4s trying to

make light o, the situation and - do smile at her comment6 but - don4t )ant them to bend over

back)ards more than they already have7

.One night6/ - say )ith no conviction7 &osie rolls her eyes and nods6 but - have a ,eeling she doesn4t

believe me6 not that - believe mysel,7 - tell her )hat - need and )here she can ,ind everything7 She kisses

me on the cheek and yells ,or &immy7 - 9um$ )hen the ,ront door shuts and an#iety builds kno)ing that

(amien is out there and he could be )atching this house6 )aiting to $ounce on my ,riends7

.Everything )ill be ,ine7/ Datelyn sits ne#t to me and holds my hand7 - hate ,eeling like this7 - )orked

hard to get over the things that ha$$ened to me6 but in the blink o, an eye he4s back and - ,eel on edge

and a,raid7



.- )ish it )ere that easy7/

.-t can be6 i, you think $ositive7 Maybe he 9ust )ants to talk or maybe a,ter =aul gets a hold o, him he4ll

reali*e that Beaumont isn4t sa,e ,or him7 Harrison and Liam aren4t going to let anything ha$$en to youand neither is =aul7 %ou have ,riends here6 &enna6 ,riends that care and love you7 Liam thinks o, you as

his sister7 So do -7/

.%eah6/ - say6 my voice breaking7 She4s going to make me cry and there isn4t a thing - can do about it7 .-

don4t )ant anyone to get hurt7/

.3e4ll be more hurt i, you leave us or i, )e don4t beat this $sycho at his o)n game7 %ou4re one o, us

)hether you like it or not7/

Thing is6 - like it7 -4m 9ust a,raid o, )hat they4ll think )hen they ,ind out -4m $regnant7 - don4t even )ant

to kno) )hat they4ll do i, they ,ind out )ho the ,ather is7 That4s a secret -4ll take to the grave7

S soon as )e drive onto the road6 the car - s$otted earlier turns its lights on7 He thinks he4s being a sly

little shit6 hiding in the dark like the big bad )ol,7 3hat he doesn4t kno) is that =aul is lurking behind

Liam4s gate )aiting to see i, the car moves7 - )atch out o, the rear vie) mirror as =aul4s lights ,lash7 &osie

turns around and )atches )hile - drive her car a)ay ,rom the scene that4s taking $lace behind us7

.Should )e sto$</

.!o6 )e4ll get in the )ay6/ - say even though - )ant to turn around and get a good look at this dickhead

so - can try and $rotect &enna7 .3e need to get her stu,, and get out o, there )hile =aul is talking to this

guy7 3e don4t kno) i, he kno)s )here she lives6 9ust )here she )orks and )e have to make sure she4s

never alone7/

.That4s really nice6 &immy7/

.3hat</

.%ou )anting to take care o, &enna7 - don4t kno) you4re not around much so it4s usually 9ust the ,ive o,

us7 -4m really ho$ing to set &enna u$ )ith =aul7/

.3hy</ - ask7

.He likes her and he4d be good ,or her7 3e4ve kno)n him ,or a long time7 He4d make a good husband7/

For some unkno)n reason my 9a) clenches together7 My teeth grind at the thought o, &enna being )ith

=aul7 - shouldn4t give a shit7 She4s 9ust a ,riend7 ,riend that - care about a little more than - should7



- remain silent until )e arrive at &enna4s a$artment7 - look around as - get out o, the car7 There4s no sign

o, the car or =aul and -4m ho$ing they4re still talking7 &osie and - run u$ the stairs and do)n the hall to

the a$artment7 - look around6 mentally taking a note o, her neighbours7 -t4s very 8uiet u$ here so i, she

)ere to scream -4d like to think someone )ould hear her7 But then again6 i, this )as L and someone

screamed they4d ignore it6 so )ho kno)s<

&osie lets us in and gets to )ork7 - tell her )e should kee$ the lights o,, i, at all $ossible so )e don4t dra)

attention to her e# in case he4s outside7

.3here did you learn all o, this</

.3hat</ - ask6 $icking u$ a $hoto o, &enna and &osie ,rom the )edding7

.3ell you )ere $retty im$ressive at the house6 directing everyone and no) )ith the lights7/

.OhA my e#@girl,riend4s uncle is a detective and in her dad4s attem$t to change me he got me to go onthe beat )ith his brother ,or a ,e) nights7 The guy talked a lot6 and - listened7/

.3as that 5helsea</

- look u$ and ,ind &osie standing in ,ront o, me7 - $ut the $icture o, &enna do)n7 .%eah6 ho)4d you kno)

that</

.Liam told me6 said you )eren4t al)ays a )omani*er7/

- can4t hel$ but laugh7 He4s one to talk7 .-4m not a )omani*er7 - 9ust like )omen7/

.Same thing6 &immy7 %ou need yoursel, a good girl to kee$ you ha$$y7/ - smirk at the thought7

There4s one )oman -4d like to kee$ me ha$$y6 i, she )as )illing6 but - have no doubt she )ants nothing

to do )ith me7 "n,ortunately6 that4s something - need to acce$t and move on7

My $hone vibrates7 - take it out o, my $ocket and shake my head at the irony o, the situation7

.S$eak o, the devil6/ - say aloud7

-4ve been thinking a lot7 - )ant to see you7

- don4t even kno) i, - should res$ond or ignore 5helsea7 She $uts my head into a mind@,uck7 - )anted to

marry that girl and have gorgeous babies )ith her6 but she ruined me7 She made me ,eel like - )as

)orthless7 She made me think that everything )e had shared meant nothing to her7

.%ou okay</

- clear my throat and $ut my $hone back in my $ocket )ithout sending a te#t back to 5helsea7

.%eah6 you ready</ - reach ,or the bag she4s carrying and $ut in on my shoulder7 - ,ollo) her out7 - look

around &enna4s a$artment and try to $icture her in it6 curled u$ on the so,a reading a book7 -n my mind

she looks ha$$y6 content7

- )alk do)n the stairs ,irst and tell &osie to )ait )hen - ste$ out onto the $ath7 -t4s late and there isn4t

much tra,,ic7 The )rought iron lam$$ost casts a so,t ha*e over the street7 - look le,t and right6 trying to

decide i, anything is out o, $lace7 - nod at &osie7 She )alks out and heads to)ards her car6 climbing into



the $assenger seat7 - )alk around to the driver side7 s - ste$ onto the road6 a car )hi**es $ast and

slams on their breaks7 They stay in the middle o, the road )ith their lights shining7

.Get in the car6 &immy6/ &osie yells7

- scramble6 o$ening the door and sliding in 9ust as they reverse $ast us7 - turn on the ignition and $ut it

into gear7

.5all Liam and tell him that )e4re being ,ollo)ed7 3e can4t go home right no)7/

.He kno)s )here )e live7/

.- kno) he does7 He also kno)s )here &enna lives6 and he doesn4t need to kno) )e are heading back to

your $lace7 Find out )here =aul is7/

&osie s$eaks to Liam as - drive around7 -4m )atching my mirrors6 )aiting ,or this arsehole to come u$

behind me7

.Liam says go to the house7/

.He does</

.%eah6 he says security is there and the gate )ill be locked tonight7/

.Okay7/ - do as Liam suggests and drive back to the house7 3e aren4t ,ollo)ed6 )hich is sus$icious to

me7 3hat is this guy $laying at<

3e get sto$$ed at the drive)ay and the car is checked7 - kno) it4s a $recaution and -4d be doing the

same thing6 but ,or God4s sake6 - have the o)ner o, the house in the car )ith me7 s soon as )e4re given

the okay6 the gate shuts7 -t4s a ,ortress here7 Liam had )alls and massive ,encing $ut u$ )hen he bought

the house7 He didn4t )ant anyone )atching his son7 - don4t blame him7 -, - had one6 -4d never take him

out in $ublic7

&osie and - rush into the house7 She runs straight into Liam4s arms7

.3hat the ,ucking hell is going on</

.3e don4t kno)6/ Liam re$lies7 .=aul called ,rom the station to say he had the driver o, the car in

custody6 but )ouldn4t say i, it )as &enna4s e#6 9ust said that you )ere right7 - called him about this other

car and he thinks it4s a bunch o, teens 9ust scre)ing around7/

.%ou4ve got to be kidding me</

Liam shrugs7 .- did that shit )hen - )as a kid so )hy not7/

.That4s such bullshit7 Those ,uck)ads scared the cra$ out o, your )i,e7/

.-4m ,ine6 &immy7/

- thro) my hands u$ in e#as$eration at this )hole mess7 - see &enna sitting do)n and carry the bag in

my hand over to her7

.Thanks6 &immy7/



- kneel do)n in ,ront o, her and )atch as she hides her ,ace ,rom me7 She doesn4t )ant me to see her

crying7

.%ou don4t have to hide ,rom me7/ She sees all the ugly that - am? - should be able to see hers too7

.%ou give me )hi$lash6 &immy7/

.3hat does that mean</

&enna sighs and )i$es her ,ace )ith the back o, her hands7 .-t means that one moment you4re this

untouchable rocker )ho doesn4t care and then the ne#t you4re this s)eet guy )ho does7/ - sit back on

my heels and look do)n at the ,loor7 -s that ho) others see me too< - look at her7 Her green eyes glisten

,rom her tears7 .-4m sorry7 - don4t mean to con,use you7 -4m 9ust being me7/

.%eah - kno)6/ she says this so sadly that it makes my heart ache7 3hat did - do to her to cause her

$ain< -t4s stu$id6 - kno) )hat - did and that4s e#actly )hy it )on4t ha$$en again7 .3e4re ,riends6 right</

.O, course6 )e are7/ - get u$ ,rom the ,loor and sit do)n ne#t to her on the so,a7 -4d $ull her to)ards

me6 but - don4t )ant her to ,eel a)k)ard7 -t4s hard to stay ,riends )ith someone like her6 but -4m going

to try even i, she doesn4t )ant to be my ,riend7 .(o you kno) )hat you need</

.3hat4s that</

. holiday7/

&enna laughs7 .That4d be nice6 but - make 9ust enough money ,or me to $ay rent and live7 - don4t save ,or

things like a vacation7/

.-4ll $ay7/

She shakes her head7 .!o6 -4m not borro)ing money ,rom you7/

- sit u$ so -4m in her eyesight7 - $ull her chin u$ so she4s looking at me7 .- think )e should go some)here

,or a )eek or t)o7 Let things settle do)n and 9ust rela#7 Besides6 - think )e have some things to discuss7/

.- don4t kno)6 &immy7 -t ,eels )rong and - don4t )ant to be a third )heel7/

.Third )heel</

&enna sighs and ,iddles )ith her ,ingers7 .- don4t )ant to )atch you hit on )omen7/ (oes she actually

think -4d take her on a holiday and go on the $ull ,or other )omen< This girl is cra*y7 Her e# messed her

u$ good and $ro$er6 that4s ,or sure7

.S)eet Li$s6 - )ant to take you on a holiday so )e can rela#7 3e can lie on the beach6 drink some girly

,ruity cra$6 have ,un in the sea and eat overly e#$ensive ,ood7 - )ant to do this because you4re my

,riend7/

She blanches at the )ord ,riend7 - don4t blame her6 but - need to kee$ the lines de,ined7 -4m not

boy,riend material ,or her and - don4t )ant her thinking -4m going to settle do)n like Liam and Harrison

have7

.-t4s 9ust a holiday6 &enna6 nothing more7/



.-4ll have to ask &osie ,or the time o,,7/

.(o you really think she4s going to say no</ - ask6 trying to sti,le a laugh7

.!o about )hat</

3e both turn to ,ind &osie )alking to)ards us7 She4s carrying a tray o, ,ood and right on cue my stomach

gro)ls7

.- ,igured as much6 &immy7 So )hat am - not saying no to</

- take a sand)ich o,, the tray and o,,er a smile in thanks7 .-4m taking &enna on a holiday to take her mind

o,, things7/

.>eally6 you t)o on a vacation together</

.%eah6 )hy not</

.Oh - don4t kno)7 %ou4re not e#actly each other4s ty$e7/

- shrug7 .So6 -4ll change ,or a )eek7/

&osie and &enna both look at me7 The room is silent7 - can4t hel$ that - like my ladies4 man $ersona7

5helsea made me this )ay7 Loving someone )ho does that much damage totally ,ucks )ith your mind

and your sense o, being7

.Have ,un on vacation6/ &osie says6 leaving us to $lan7

.So6 S)eet Li$s6 )here do you ,ancy going</ Her eyes light u$ and her li$s turn into a huge smile

s$reading ,rom ear to ear7 - kno) - said -4d kee$ it in my $ants )here other )omen are concerned6 but i,

-4m going to get to stare at &enna and her ,it body in a bikini ,or a )eek6 she and - may need to come to a

,riends4 )ith bene,its understanding7

!o6 that can4t ha$$en7

- look out the )indo) and sigh7 -t4s been raining ,or three days straight )ith no sign o, letting u$7 -

su$$ose i, )e )ere going to have a )eather element6 -4d take rain over a hurricane or tornado7 !ot sure

ho) -4d deal )ith a tornado )arning7

-4m de$ressed7 !ot in the -4m going to go do something drastic to mysel, sense6 but more in the -4m

bored out o, my mind ,rom being locked u$7 -4m su$$osed to be sitting on a )arm beach some$lace in



the south6 but O,,icer =aul Baker had to burst my ,antasy bubble7 3hen &immy announced that he )as

taking me on a holiday6 =aul $ut his ,oot do)nA literally7 He said that - couldn4t leave6 not in the middle

o, an active investigation6 )hich con,used me because - hadn4t $ressed charges7 But he said - need to

stay and Liam agreed7

&immy didn4t say anything7 -n ,act6 he le,t that night and hasn4t been around since7 That )as almost t)o

)eeks ago7 - don4t kno) )hat - )as e#$ecting6 but - thought that maybe )e4d be ,riends7 - kno) that is

,ar@,etched considering his history and his need to be ,ree all the time7 - mean )hy )ould he )ant to

babysit me6 )hen he can be out doing )ho kno)s )hat and not su,,er the conse8uences<

- did that7 - took that ste$ and look )here it got me7 My $alm ,inds my stomach and rubs along the

outside o, my s)eatshirt7 -4m lucky that the cold )eather is allo)ing me to )ear layers because right

no) my oversi*ed s)eatshirt is hiding an even bigger bum$7 -4m not going to be able to hide it much

longer7 The truth is going to come out sooner or later7 - 9ust ho$e that they don4t ,reak out on me7 -

kno) &osie is going to )ant to kno) )ho the ,ather is6 but - need to kee$ that to mysel, out o, res$ect,or him7 - kee$ thinking -4m going to tell him6 but then - imagine the look on his ,ace )hen - tell him that

our one moment $roduced a child and - can4t bring mysel, to say those )ords7 3atching him )alk out

on me )ill break my heart7

Liam4s car $ulls into the drive)ay6 shaking me ,rom my reverie7 - ,ocus harder through the rain sheeted

)indo) )hen - hear ,our car doors slam individually7 From the time that it takes me to leave the living

room and )alk into the ,oyer the door is o$en7 Liam )alks in ,irst6 his arms and hair dri$$ing )ith )ater7

&osie4s ne#t6 but under the cover o, Liam4s 9acket7 My heart aches6 kno)ing - )on4t have that kind o,

love7 The ne#t $erson to )alk in is my mom6 but the ,act that she4s standing there6 staring at me6 is not

registering7 - look at her hard6 8uestioningly7 She smiles6 her eyes sad7 My dad ste$s in and shuts the

door7 He looks at me6 smiling )idely7

- run the ,ive or so ste$s it takes me to get to my $arents7 - colla$se into them6 one on each side o, me6

and don4t even try to sto$ the tears ,rom coming7 My $arents are here in Beaumont7 - haven4t seen

them in so long and they4re here6 standing in Liam4s house6 dri$$ing )ater all over the ,loor6 but that

doesn4t matter because -4m holding them no)7

.Let me take your coats6/ Liam says6 moving around us6 trying not to bother our reunion7

- $ull back and look at my $arents7 My mom6 she4s aged6 but is 9ust as beauti,ul as the last time - sa) her7

My dad6 he4s graying more and has earned himsel, a bit o, a belly7

.- must be dreaming6/ - say7

.%ou4re not dreaming7 %our ,riend6 Liam6 arranged this ,or us7/ - look over their shoulders at Liam6 )ho is

looking shy6 like he doesn4t like to be the center o, attention7 -, he )eren4t the lead singer o, a success,ul

band6 -4d almost believe that he4s shy7 Liam looks at me and o,,ers me a hal, smile and a shrug7

.He4s $retty great6/ - say6 do)n$laying the situation ,or him7 .5ome on6 you must be so cold in those

)et clothes7 -4ll take you u$stairs and you can change7/

.-4ll go get their things6/ Liam says6 sli$$ing into his coat7



.-4ll go )ith you6 Son6/ my dad says7 Liam ,ree*es6 his hand on the doorknob7 - see Liam4s 9a) clench6 but

he nods6 acce$ting my dad4s hel$7 -4ll have to ,ind a time6 $rivately6 to tell my dad that Liam and his

,ather have a rough relationshi$7

.-4m so ha$$y to see you &enna7/ My mom takes my hands in her7 Her eyes )ater as do mine7 The last

time she sa) me - had a bruised cheek that even make@u$ couldn4t hide7

.- can4t believe you4re here7/ - $ull her into my arms and hug her tightly7 - mouth thank you to &osie6 )ho

is standing there )atching us7 She looks like she4s about to cry7 She shakes her head6 telling me

everything - need to kno)7 Liam set this u$7 He did this ,or me7

The men )alk back in )ith luggage in their hands7 Liam nods to the stairs and my dad ,ollo)s7 -4ll gladly

take the couch i, it means my $arents are going to be here ,or a )hile7

.Ho) long are you here ,or</

.3ell6 dear6 you and your ,ather need to ,igure out )hat to do about (amien and -4m going to take care

o, you7/

- ,ight the urge to roll my eyes7 .-4m ,ine6 mom7 Ever since that night6 (amien hasn4t been around7/

.- kno)6 but that doesn4t mean he isn4t )aiting ,or you7 Lurking out there like the sick man that he is7/

She closes her eyes6 clearly remembering the night that - came home battered7 - )ill never ,orget the

look on her ,ace )hen - )alked into the house or )hen she sat )ith me in the emergency room )hile

the $olice took $ictures6 $ictures that they never did anything )ith7

.- )ouldn4t kno)7 -4m being held ca$tive7/

&osie sco,,s in the background7

.-t4s true7 This is the 3estbury 9ail7 -4m not even )orking and - hate that7/

.3ith more $eo$le )atching no)6 you can go back to )ork7/ Liam4s voice startles me7 - turn a)ay ,rom

my mom to ,ind him and my dad behind me7

.-s that )hy you called my $arents6 to babysit me</ - ask6 trying not to laugh7 He shrugs7 .3ell6 thank

you6/ - say6 giving him a hug7 .- really needed them here6/ - mumble into his shirt7

.- kno)7/ He rubs his hands u$ and do)n my back7 .3e 9ust )ant you sa,e7/ - nod6 biting my li$ to kee$

,rom crying7 - can4t kee$ crying at the dro$ o, a hat7 - kno) -4m emotional6 but it4s getting to be too

much7 -4m going to dehydrate mysel, i, -4m not care,ul7

.3e need to talk6 &enna6/ my dad says6 motioning to)ard the table7 - ,ollo) him6 $ulling out the chair

across ,rom him7 He slides $a$ers over to me7 Everything moves in slo) motion7 The last time )e did

this6 - ended my marriage7 3hat )ill - be doing this time<

- ,li$ through the $ages7 Each $age detailing $reviously told incidents ,rom the diary - ke$t7 - can4t read

them7 - don4t )ant to relive those nights in my li,e7 3hen - married (amien6 - )as ha$$y6 - )as in love7

.Sign on the back there7/

.3hat am - signing</



.-t4s a restraining order7 -t4s a long shot6 but )e4re going to try it7 - can4t $ractice here6 but Liam says he

already has someone that - can )ork )ith to get this s8uared a)ay7/

.3hat does this mean6 dad</

He ,olds his hands on the table and leans to)ard me7 .-t means6 i, the 9udge acce$ts this order6 (amien

)on4t be able to come )ithin t)o thousand ,eet7 -t4s ,ar@,etched6 but )e4re ho$ing to $ull some strings7/

.nd )hat ha$$ens i, the 9udge doesn4t go ,or this</

My dad leans back and scratches his belly7 - sti,le a laugh7 He )on4t like it i, -4m not taking this seriously7

.The )orst case scenario is )e get thro)n out6 but -4m ho$ing it doesn4t come to that7/

.3e don4t even kno) )here he is7/

(ad ,li$s though the $a$ers sitting in ,ront o, him7 .O,,icer Baker has been kee$ing tabs on him7 He

$laced a G=S beacon under his car7 -t4s illegal6 but it allo)s Baker to track (amien4s )hereabouts7/

.-s he )aiting ,or me to leave the house</

.%es6/ Liam says6 coming into the room7 .This is )hy =aul )as adamant you stay in the house7 He4s

)aiting to bust him and )as ho$ing he4d tres$ass6 but he hasn4t7 So no) =aul )ants you to return to

)ork7/

.-4m the bait7/

Liam shrugs7 .Or the solution7 %our dad )ill ,ile the restraining order tomorro)6 asking ,or an emergency

hearing7 %our e# doesn4t have to be at the hearing6 but =aul )ill serve him )hen he sees him7/

-t sounds too com$licated7 - do )ant to go back to )ork6 but seeing (amien is not something - )ant to

do7 - sign my name and leave the table7 - have to trust that my dad6 Liam and =aul kno) )hat they4re

doing7

- take the stairs to my room7 - need to lie do)n and try to slee$ o,, this headache -4m develo$ing7

My mom is in my room6 )ell no) her room6 $utting a)ay her clothes7 She smiles )hen - )alk in7 - sit on

the bed and )atch her ,or a minute7

.Have you been slee$ing )ell</

- shake my head7 . lot o, thoughts run through my head )hen -4m alone7/

.That ha$$ens )hen you have so much on your $late7/

She sits do)n ne#t to me6 $utting her arm around me7

.- have something to tell you6 but you can4t tell dad7/

.Okay7/

.%ou have to $romise7/ - kno) once she does6 she4ll never tell7

.- $romise6 s)eetheart7 Tell me )hat4s going on7/ She runs her hand through my hair6 like she did )hen -

)as younger7 &ust like she did the night be,ore - married (amien7



.-4m $regnant7/ - li,t my s)eatshirt and sho) her my little bum$6 a bum$ that -4m very $roud o,7

.Oh6 &enna7/ She covers her mouth7 - can4t look at her ,or ,ear o, seeing the disa$$ointment in her ,ace7

.3ho4s the ,ather< Have you been together long</

- shake my head6 biting my li$7 .3e4re 9ust ,riends6 but he doesn4t kno)7 - don4t kno) i, -4ll tell him7 He4s

not really the commitment ty$e7/

.(o you think he4ll change his mind )hen you tell him</

- look at her and see mysel, years ,rom no)7 .-t4s better i, - do this by mysel,7/

EE>%TH-!G is )hite and sterile7 This is a ne) side o, 5helsea7 3hen )e lived together it )as girly $ink

)ith $osters o, boy bands6 tiara4s and $om$om4s in the corner7 The virginal 5helsea )as s)eet6 innocent

and ready to rebel against her straight@laced cor$orate merican ,ather and her beauty contest )inning

mother7

- )as her salvation7

She )as my destruction7

.%ou4re ne) here7/

- look at the leggy blonde lying on the sunbed ne#t to me7 - don4t remember seeing her )hen - sat do)n6

but - can4t say - )as $aying much attention7

.%eah6 - am6 my dad lives here7 -4m only staying here until - ,ind my o)n $lace7/ She turns to ,ace me6

$utting her sunglasses on to$ o, her head7 .3here are you ,rom</

.London7/

She sits u$ and s)ings her tanned6 toned legs around7 She4s $osh6 u$$er@class7 >ight u$ my ,ather4s

street7 He4d call her arm candy7

.3hat4s your name</

.&immy7 &immy (avis6/ - say6 as - hold my hand out to her7 She takes it and - shake it ,irmly7

.5an - call you &ames</

- shake my head slo)ly and smile at her7 .!o$e6 my name4s &immy6 not &ames7 %ou4d have to ask my

mum )hy she didn4t call me &ames7/



She laughs and ,or the ,irst time since -4ve been in Los ngeles6 -4m laughing too7 3hen my mum

suggested - should come out there to live )ith my dad - )as against the idea7 She told me this is )here -

should $ursue my dream o, making music and i, - didn4t like it6 - could come back and try and be

success,ul in London as a ,amous musician7 She )anted the best ,or me7

- didn4t )ant to come7 - can4t stand my ,ather7 - think -4m the only child to ever celebrate )hen my mum

,inally kicked him out6 but she says - need him in my li,e7 - beg to di,,er6 but -4m here and en9oying the

lu#ury that his a$artment has to o,,er7

.3hat4s your name</

.5helsea S$encer7/

.(o you live here</ - $oint to the to)ering a$artment block in ,ront o, me7 My dad lives on the

seventeenth ,loor7 -t4s a $enthouse6 bigger than our ,lat in London6 and it $isses me o,, that he isn4t

looking a,ter my mum6 given that he clearly has the ,unds to do so7

.Sometimes - stay here or at our country house7/

- give her a once over and decide that she4s ,rom money7 - should4ve kno)n7 - )anted to avoid

everything that )as the ty$ical L clichC6 other)ise kno)n as the rich@list4 in Los ngeles6 and the ,irst

)oman - talk to is 9ust that7 5hances are6 daddy dearest is $robably some high@$o)ered $olitician7

- look back at the $ool and )atch the other )omen7 They ,lirt )ith the )aiters and other men $assing

by7 !o )onder my dad thinks the )ay he4s treated my mum is okay7 He lives it on a daily basis7

.(id - say something )rong</

- $ress my li$s together and shake my head7 .!o7/

.Ho) old are you6 &immy</

- try to avoid eye contact )ith her6 but to no avail7 She4s se#y and -4d be stu$id to ignore her7 -4m lucky

she4s even talking to a bloke like me7 -4m sure she has some man )aiting ,or her once he ,inishes )ork7

She ad9usts the stra$s on her bikini6 giving me an eye,ul7

.-4m nineteen6/ - say6 moving my legs around so - can ,ace her7 - reach over and move the ,abric o, her

to$ to cover her ni$$le7 .%ou4re sho)ing7/

.Oh shit6 thank you7/ Her hand covers mine and she holds it over her tit longer then should be normal

seeing as - 9ust met her7 My ,ingers s8uee*e on their o)n accord7 - try to move my hand6 but she4sholding it there ,irmly7

."mA/

.Sorry6/ she says6 letting go7 .- think you4re really hot7/

.- think you4re ,ucking se#y6/ - blurt out7

.3ant to see my room</



3hen )e lived together )e had vibrant art6 mi#ed lines and )armth7 Her a$artment no) lacks colour

and li,e7 This is )hat - think as - lie in her bed6 staring at the ceiling7 Her tanore#ic arm is lying across my

stomach7 One o, her bare breasts rests on my chest7 Her head is snuggled into my neck7 - used to en9oy

this7 - used to beg ,or this7

But no) - )ant to run7

- turn my head a little to look at 5helsea7 Her dark blonde roots are starting to sho) over her bottled

hair colour7 -, - tell her that her roots need doing6 she4d go running to the hairdresser to have them

taken care o,7 She4s su$er,icial like that and right no) -4m in that ,rame o, mind7 - kno) everything there

is to kno) about her and that4s still not enough ,or me to stay7 %et6 the moment - touched back do)n in

Los ngeles6 - called her because - kne) she4d come running and no) - lie here6 regretting it7

This isn4t )here - )ant to be7 -4ve never been able to say no to her6 but - never imagined that -4d be back

in her bed7 She kno)s ho) to )ear me do)n and does it )ith $er,ect $recision7 -4m the )ay - am

because she4s my ,irst love and - haven4t even tried to love anyone since her7 Maybe that4s my $roblem7

Maybe - need to $ut my heart on the line again to get 5helsea out o, my system7

- kno) )ho can do that ,or me7 She4s already cree$ing in7 - 9ust don4t kno) i, - can be enough ,or her7 -, -

tried and she re9ected me6 then -4d be no better o,, than - am no)7 ll - kno) is this isn4t )here - )ant to

be7

- could 9ust go to her and make mysel, available7 -, she turns me do)n -4ll act like it4s not a big deal7

Ty$ical &immy (avis7

.3hat are you thinking so hard about</ - close my eyes the moment her li$s touch my chest7 - should

$ush her a)ay6 but - )on4t7 - should tell her that )e )on4t )ork6 but she already kno)s that and hereshe is6 still )illing to kee$ me as her dirty little secret7

.Li,e6/ - say6 not )anting to look at her7 She doesn4t delve any dee$er7 - kno) she doesn4t care7

She4s a good $retender6 but in reality -4m 9ust something she4s using to $ass the time until the ne#t

daddy@a$$roved boy,riend comes along7

Her mouth starts sucking on my dick and he s$rings to li,e in no time7 - bite on my lo)er li$ to sto$ ,rom

hissing7 - don4t )ant her to kno) that -4m en9oying her attention6 but -4m a ,ucking bloke and this shit

,eels ,ucking ,abulous7 - kee$ my hands behind my head6 close my eyes and en9oy the moment7 - imagine

the girl - )ant sucking me o,, instead o, the one that is7 Her nails roam over my stomach6 do)n my

thighs and back u$ again7 - shi,t6 li,ting my hi$s u$ to increase her s$eed to ease the $ressure that4sbuilding7 She slo)s do)n and it4s not e#actly )hat - had in mind7 She lets go and moves7 - kno) )hat she

)ants6 but - don4t think - can bring mysel, to be )ith her anymore7

She holds my cock7 My eyes s$ring o$en )hen - ,eel mysel, slide into her7 - sit u$ and grab her hi$s7 She

moves to kiss me but - thro) her o,, me7

.3hat the ,uck6 &immy</

- sit u$ and $ut my ,eet on her )ooden ,loor7 She moves behind me and starts kissing my back7

.Sto$6 5helsea7/



She does and sighs heavily7 .3hat4s )rong</

.%ou kno) - don4t shag )ithout )earing $rotection7/

.&immy6 baby6 )e4ve been together ,or three years7 3e4ve done it be,ore6 - 9ust )anted to ,eel you6/ she

coo4s in my ear as she $uts her arms around me7 Her li$s ,ind my ear and tug lightly on my lobe7

.!o6 5helsea6 )e haven4t been together ,or three years7 >egardless o, that ,act6 - don4t )ant kids7

%ou kno) that7/

.So $ut a condom on and make love to me7/

- shake my head and stand u$7 - )alk over to the chair )here she $ut my ,olded clothes at some $oint

during the night7

.-4ve gotta go7/

.- 9ust got you back and you4re leaving me</

.-4m not back6 5hels7 This )as a mistake7/

- $ut on my 9eans6 $ull on my boots and slide my t@shirt over my head7 - )alk over to the girl - once loved

kno)ing that -4m never coming back here7 - cu$ her cheek and $ull her to me7

.%ou kno) it4s ,or the best7 %our dad doesn4t a$$rove o, me and he4ll make your li,e a living hell7/ - kiss

her once on the li$s and back a)ay ,rom her7

.(on4t leave me7 - need you6 &immy7 %ou have no idea ho) bad - need you7/ Tears ,ollo) her )ords6 but

they aren4t enough ,or me7

.Goodbye6 5helsea7/

.HO3 )as Los ngeles</ Liam asks )hile he tunes his guitar7

.For the ,irst time since - moved there6 - couldn4t )ait to get out7 - have some ne)s though7/ - hand Liam

the $a$ers that )ere delivered to my a$artment ,rom Mr7 Moreno7 He ,li$s through them6 his eyebro)

moving u$ and do)n each time he gets to an interesting $art7

.She )asn4t ever $regnant</

.3hat</ Harrison says as he stands u$ ,rom this stool7 He takes the $a$ers ,rom Liam4s hand and reads

them7 He looks at me then at Liam and back at the $a$ers7

.3hat a bitch6/ Harrison s$its out7

.She )as sick6/ Liam says7 3hy he4s de,ending her6 - have no idea7

.Sick or not6 she tried to ruin your li,e7 -, you kee$ reading6 it lists out all o, the other shit she did7

She ke$t a diary and Mr7 Moreno has included some o, her entries6/ - add7

.She rigged the tour last year6/ Harrison says as he reads7 .The dressing room6 the )eird $hone call -

received a,ter - met that chick in the bar6 it4s all here Liam7 She ke$t notes on everything7/ Harrison



continues to turn the $ages6 ,li$$ing them ra$idly7 .!othing about licia though7/ Harrison thro)s the

$a$ers on the table and runs his hands through his hair7

.Liam</ he4s staring o,,6 not really listening to )hat Harrison 9ust said7 .%o6 man you okay</ - $ush himslightly on the shoulder7 He looks at me and shakes his head7

.3hat</

.%ou4re o,, in cloud cuckoo land7/

.She lied6/ he says7 .- didn4t get her $regnant7/

.She lied about everything7 Everything that4s ha$$ened to us since )e4ve met her has been because o,

her evil mind7 She4s ,ucking t)isted6/ Harrison says7 - kno) he4s u$set that the in,ormation he4s a,ter

isn4t in there7 He4ll never kno) )hy licia did )hat she did6 but at least )ith the rest o, the in,ormation6

)e can move on7

Liam $icks u$ the $a$ers again and reads through them be,ore $utting them aside7 .3e need to get

serious about hiring a manager or hang it u$7/

.%ou )ant to 8uit</ - ask7 The band s$litting u$ is the last thing - )ant6 but i, he4s ready to call it a day

-4m not going to sto$ him7 He4s got a kid no)7 5hrist6 Harrison has three7 -4m the odd man out7 !o )i,e6

no kids7 !othing kee$ing me at home7

.!o6 - don4t6 but )e need a manager7 3e need to release a 5( and get the air$lay7 -4ll make some calls6/

he says7

.- can make some too6/ - volunteer7 3ith me still living in L6 -4m around the scene more7 -4m sure

there4s someone looking to add to their client list and )on4t mind i, the talent doesn4t live any)here

near them7 -t shouldn4t be a $roblem at all7 .3hat4s going on )ith &enna4s e#</ - ask6 needing to kno)

the latest7

Harrison sighs7 .-t4s not good7/

.!o6 it4s not7 Her $arents are here and her dad tried to get a restraining order against him6 but the &udge

)asn4t buying our reasoning7 He4s not a threat 9ust because he sho)ed u$ at the ca,C7/

.He4s beaten her u$ be,ore–.

.s she said6 there4s no record aside ,rom the one hos$ital visit and those $ictures a$$arently never got

logged6/ Harrison says7

- $ick my guitar u$ and $ut the stra$ over my head7 - $lug the lead into the am$ and start tuning7 - don4t

kno) i, there4s anything - can do ,or her6 but -4m going to give it a try7 !o one should have to ,ear ,or

their lives and i, it means - have to be a $ermanent ,i#ture at 3himsicality then so be it7



-4M ha$$y to be back at )ork even i, it means -4m looking over my shoulder7 (amien is gone6 at least

that4s )hat =aul says6 but - kno) he4ll be back7 !othing about him goes 8uietly into the night7 He doesn4t

like to lose and - kno) him )ell enough to kno) that he4s $issed o,, and )ill seek revenge7

Sadly6 -4m his target7

My mom is currently ya$$ing it u$ )ith &immy7 He4s been sitting at the same table since )e o$ened7 The

,irst ,e) days - ,ound it odd6 until Harrison s$illed the beans that &immy is currently seeking a ,ull@time

9ob as my babysitter7 The guys are over$rotective6 but it4s nice to kno) that )hen (amien does return6

they4ll be around to $rotect me7 -4m 9ust a,raid they4ll get hurt7 Liam assures me that they can and )ill

take care o, themselves and the $eo$le that they love7

Each time the door chimes6 my body turns cold7 - hate living )ith ,ear7 -4ve gro)n so accustomed to

being ,ree that this constant sense o, dread )ashing over me is getting to be too much7 - could be ,ree i,

- le,t Beaumont6 but something tells me - )ouldn4t get very ,ar7

- smile at !ick )hen he )alks in7 He4s dressed in his usual dark slacks and )hite button@do)n shirt7

He4s here to see ubrey ,or lunch7 He does this every day that she )orks7 -t4s sickeningly s)eet6 but

gives me the tiniest bit o, ho$e that someday -4ll ,ind my =rince 5harming7

!ick al)ays chooses to come into the ,lo)er sho$ be,ore going to the ca,C and each time it4s because

he4s buying his )i,e a single ,lo)er7 Today he4s buying a red sun,lo)er7 - like ho) he4s still su$$orting

&osie a,ter everything that )ent do)n7 - kno) )hat ha$$ened )as ,or the best though7 !ick never

smiled like this until he came home )ith ubrey7

.Busy today</

.!ot really7 The sun is out so - think most everyone is en9oying it be,ore it rains7 Ho)4s the o,,ice</ - ask6

)ra$$ing ubrey4s ,lo)er in $a$er and tying it )ith a ribbon7

.Same ole skinned knees6 bum$s and the $er$etual cough6/ !ick says6 handing me his $ayment7

.But you treat them all the same and )ith a smile6 right</

.O, course6/ he says6 smiling7 .ubrey and - )ant to have you over ,or dinner soon7/

.Thank you6 -4d like that7/

.Have you told everyone yet</



- shake my head7

!ick caught me going into the obstetrician4s o,,ice7 - couldn4t hide my elation and he guessed7 He and

ubrey both kno)6 but haven4t said anything and they both kno) - a$$reciate them kee$ing mycon,idence7 !ick )ill be the baby4s doctor6 i, - decide to stay in Beaumont7

.-4m telling &osie and Liam tonight7/

.nd the baby4s dad</

.!o6 not yet7 - 9ust don4t think it4s a good idea7/

!ick leans ,or)ard and lo)ers his voice7 .=lease rethink not telling him6 &enna7 Even i, he4s not around6

it4s im$ortant that he kno) he has a child out there7 Besides6 he might sur$rise you and )ant to be

around7/

.- don4t think so7 Having a baby )ould ruin his li,e7 -t4s best that - 9ust kee$ his identity a secret7/ He

nods6 even though - kno) he doesn4t agree )ith me7

!ick $icks u$ ubrey4s ,lo)er and gives me a small )ave be,ore turning to)ard the ca,C7 - )atch as she

meets him on the side6 s8uealing in delight because he brought her a ,lo)er7 She does this every time7 -

can4t imagine ho) ha$$y she4d be i, he brought her a bou8uet or 9e)elry7 ubrey loves !ick dearly7 %ou

can see it in the )ay she looks at him7

- used to love (amien that )ay6 even a,ter the abuse started7 - thought that i, - loved him harder6 that i, -

loved him more6 he4d sto$7 - thought that he4d see ho) much he )as hurting me and reali*e my $ain

)as because o, his ,ist6 but it never sto$$ed7 - reali*ed6 albeit too late6 that he loved hitting me more

than - loved taking it7

- $ull out the chair across ,rom &osie and Liam7 Tonight4s the night7 The truth6 )ell most o, it6 )ill come

out7 They look at me e#$ectantly and - )ant to laugh at ho) absurd this has all been6 but - needed to

)ait6 at least ,or me6 be,ore telling them7

- ,old my hands in ,ront o, me and take a dee$ breath7 - smile6 ho$ing to convey that6 yes everything is

okay6 even i, it might not be7

.3hat4s u$</ Liam asks6 breaking the ice7 - kno) he4s busy and -4m $robably kee$ing him ,rom

something im$ortant7

- look a)ay6 do)n at my hands and say6 .-4m $regnant7/

The audible gas$ is ,rom &osie7 -4m $icturing her )ith her hand over her mouth7 - hear nothing ,rom

Liam7 - chance a look and am met )ith indi,,erence7 - can4t tell )hat he4s thinking7 Even though )e4ve

only kno)n each other a short time6 it4s been enough ,or us to ,orm a bond7

.Ho) ,ar are you</ &osie asks6 her voice )avering7

- bite the inside o, my cheek and straighten out the tablecloth7 .-4m $ast my ,irst trimester7 -4m starting

to sho)7 My clothes are tighter and my mom kno)s7 But she can4t really kee$ a secret and is dying to

tell you7 - kno) she4s e#cited7/ - chance a look at &osie7 She4s smiling )idely and that makes me ,eel

relieved7



.3ho4s the ,ather< - haven4t seen you )ith anyone6 ever7/ Liam4s )ords remind me that -4ve been alone

and )ill continue to be that )ay7

.Liam6/ &osie scolds7

.3hat</ he shrugs7 .-4m 9ust asking7 She4s ,amily6 right</ &osie nods7 .3ell6 i, she has someone in her

li,e6 -4d like to kno) him7/

.%ou can4t6/ - blurt out7

.3hy not</ he asks7

.Because he4s not around7/

.3hat do you mean he4s not around4</ Liam4s tone is hard and to the $oint7

- s)allo) hard and s8uare mysel, ,or battle7 .-4ve decided not to tell him7 3e4re not together and hedoesn4t live here7 -t4s ,or the best7/ &osie4s ,ace goes $ale 9ust as Liam4s turns red7

.re you kidding me</

- shake my head and bite the inside o, my cheek7

.%ou kno) )hat6 that4s some very sel,ish bullshit7 &osie tried to tell me that she )as $regnant and it kills

me every day kno)ing that - )asn4t there ,or her and !oah7 - )asn4t given a ,ucking choice on )hether

or not - )as going to be a douche or not7 -t )as made ,or me7 3hat makes you think the ,ather doesn4t

)ant to be involved</

.He4s younger and not in the right ,rame o, mind to be in this situation7/

.So )hy slee$ )ith him</

.Liam6/ &osie scolds again7

.!o6 - )ant to kno)7 %ou have to kno) the risk )hen you decide to slee$ )ith someone7 Hell6 - kne)

and the biggest bitch burned me7 Men don4t think o, these things )hen )e4re having se#6 but )omen

do7 %our clocks tick and all that shit7 So i, he4s not ,ather material6 )hy do it</ Tears stream do)n my

cheeks )hile Liam rants7 - kno) he4s right6 but it4s not like )e $lanned this7

-t 9ust ha$$ened7

.-t )asn4t $lanned6 Liam7 -t )as a one night stand7/ - take a dee$ breath7 .-t4s not ideal6 but it4s mydecision7 - can do this by mysel,7/

."ntil your e# comes around7 -4m sure once he ,inds out that you4re $regnant )ith another man4s baby

that )ill set him o,,7/

- nod because he4s right7 (amien al)ays )anted a baby and - did everything - could to $revent us ,rom

conceiving7

.-4ll deal )ith him then7/

.!o6 )e4ll deal )ith it7 %ou have to tell the ,ather6 &enna7/



.- can4t7/

.3hy not< He has a right to kno)6/ Liam $leads7

.-4m $retty sure he regrets slee$ing )ith me7 - don4t need to see the look on his ,ace )hen - remind him

o, the night )e s$ent together and ho) )e4re no) having a child7 That sort o, stu,, ruins lives6 Liam7 -

don4t )ant to ruin his li,e7/

.He has a right to kno) and i, he doesn4t )ant to be a $art o, your baby4s li,e6 then he4s the one missing

out6 but you have to give him the o$$ortunity )hether you think he4s ,ather material or not7

.(on4t take the o$$ortunity a)ay ,rom him7 -t )as taken a)ay ,rom me and - live )ith a ga$ in my

heart7 He deserves to kno)7/

Liam gets u$ and leaves us7 &osie and - 9um$ )hen the basement door slams7 She moves over ne#t to

me6 $ulling me into her arms7 - try not to cry6 but it4s to no avail7 -t should4ve been easier to tell &osie andLiam over my mother6 but it )asn4t7 My mom has al)ays kno)n that - )ant to be a mother7

She kno)s this is my chance7

.5ongratulations7 re you ha$$y</ she asks7

- nod7 - $ull a)ay and )i$e a)ay my tears7 .- am7 - really am7/ - set my hand on my stomach and smile7

.This is a good thing7/

.-t is6 babies are )onder,ul6 believe me - )ant another one6 but it4s not in the cards7 But do me a ,avor

and really think about telling the dad7 - )ish Liam )ere there ,or !oah7 - kno) that things )ith him and -

may not have )orked6 but - have no doubt he )ould4ve been there ,or his son7 Every dad needs to be

able to make that choice himsel,7/

3hen - made the decision not to tell6 - hadn4t thought about )hat Liam and !oah have gone through7 Or

even !ick7 But this man6 he doesn4t )ant this7 He )ants his li,e the )ay it is and this isn4t a bum$ in the

road6 it4s a sinkhole6 and -4m not sure i, me being $regnant is enough to make him change his li,e7

.3HT are you doing here</

- look u$ ,rom my $iece o, sheet music and ,ind Liam at the door7 The studio has a $rivate entrance and

)e4ve al)ays been told it4s okay to come )henever )e )ant6 but 9udging by the look on his ,ace6 he

doesn4t )ant me here right no)7

.-t4s late7/



- take a 8uick look at my $hone and notice the time7 .-4ll go7/

.!o6 stay6/ he says6 moving ,urther into the room7 He $icks u$ his guitar only to $ut it back do)n7

He )alks to)ards Harrison4s drums6 hitting the cymbal )ith his ,ingers a ,e) times be,ore )alking back

in my direction7 The studio isn4t that big )ith all our e8ui$ment in here and his )andering around makes

the room ,eel much smaller7

.(o you ever ,eel like your head is going to e#$lode</

.ll the time7 3hy6 are you and &osie having $roblems</

Liam shakes his head7 .Her and - are solid7 Every day - have )ith her is the ha$$iest day o, my li,e7/

.-, this is about a manager6 - have a mate )ho4s in a band7 - can ask him and see i, his manager is

interested in hel$ing us out7 3e might even be able to do a tour )ith them this summer i, )e need to7/

.-t4s not about the band7 3e4ll ,igure that shit out7 -t4s about li,e7/ - have no idea )here he4s going )ith

this6 but i, he says he4s ha$$y )ith &osie then - don4t have a clue )hat4s )eighing so heavily on his mind7

This is the notable di,,erence )e4ve all seen in Liam since he moved back to Beaumont7 -t4s like he4s

more human7 Be,ore6 he )ouldn4t give a shit about anything6 but no) everything matters7 - like this

Liam6 but -4m not gonna lie6 the emo cra$ gets on my nerves7

.-s it !oah</

.!o6 it4s &enna7/

&enna< 3hat the hell could be going on )ith &enna that Liam )ould be so de$ressed about< - don4t )ant

to be nosey6 but -4m curious7 - kno) -4m not as close to her as he and Harrison are6 but - still consider usto be ,amily and i, she4s in trouble -4d like to be able to hel$7 - don4t kno) i, there4s anything - could do6

but -4d damn )ell try7

.3hat4s )rong )ith &enna< - thought the e# )as gone7/

.He is6 at least according to =aul7/

Liam sto$s talking and sits do)n on his stool7 He $icks u$ his acoustic guitar and strums a ,e) chords7

.(o you kno) ho) - ,ound out about !oah</

.!o6/ - say7 Liam ke$t !oah a secret ,rom us ,or a )hile a,ter he ,ound out about him7 Harrison and -

never understood )hy6 but - think it4s because he )as a,raid that &osie )as going to take him a)ay7

.- )as having a meltdo)n over Mason4s death and everything )as closing in7 - )as minutes a)ay ,rom

saying ,uck it47 -nstead6 - got on my bike and started driving and ended u$ at this s$orts museum )e

have in the ne#t to)n7 3alking in )as a mistake because there - )as6 staring back at mysel,7 - )as being

mocked by the cocky teenager that - )as and there )asn4t shit - could do about it7

.- could hear the cro)ds cheering in my head7 - could remember every $ass - had thro)n to Mason and

every touchdo)n - had7 ll these memories came ,looding back and it )as the sound o, laughter that

broke me7 - ran to the bathroom to hide because - didn4t )ant to be recogni*ed7



.3hen - came out6 this boyA this shaggy haired boy )as crying and - thought he )as being bullied and

remembered that Mason and - beat the cra$ out o, some kid in high school ,or bullying someone )ho

)as )eaker than us7 - ,elt rage boiling inside o, me7 (o you kno) )hat - did</ - shake my head7

.- s$oke to him and he told me that he )asn4t allo)ed to s$eak to strangers and - thought )o)6 )hat a

smart kid47 -t )as )hen he said he4d seen me kissing his mom that - kne)7 - tried to $lay it o,,6 but one

look and it )as obvious7 One look into his eyes and - sa) her6 the one - le,t behind7 - kne) - had ,ucked

u$ so badly that -4d never be ,orgiven7 - kne) that - )as never leaving Beaumont again because - had a

son )hether this boy kne) - )as his dad or not7 - )ould4ve stayed in the background 9ust to )atch him

gro) u$6 but - )ould4ve been there7/

.&osie loves you6 Liam7/

.- $romised her the )orld )hen )e )ere in high school7 - kne) she )as my girl6 but )hen - )ent to

college6 shit )as bad and - ,reaked out7 -, Mason hadn4t died - )ouldn4t kno) my son7/

.%ou shouldn4t think like that6 man7 -4m sure she )ould4ve ,ound you7/ - kno) he said that he and &osie

are ,ine6 but -4m starting to think other)ise7 3hy is he going on about him and !oah like this )hen

they4re a ,amily< 3hen they seem to have everything going ,or them<

.&enna4s $regnant and doesn4t )ant to tell the baby4s ,ather even though - think she4s making a mistake7

- told her that the dad has a right to kno)7/

- $lay a ,e) chords6 )orking out a melody7 .- didn4t kno) she had a boy,riend7 3hy doesn4t she )ant to

tell him</

.- don4t kno)6 something about him not being ,ather material and they4re not together7/ - take my

guitar o,, and $ut it on its stand7 - rub my hands do)n my legs7 .-4m sure she4ll come around7/

.- don4t think she )ill7 She )on4t even tell us )ho the dad is7/

.Ho) many )eeks is she</ - don4t kno) )hy -4m asking6 but - need to kno)7

.She4s $ast her ,irst trimester7 - didn4t kno) )hat that meant so - looked it u$ be,ore - came do)n here7

She got $regnant sometime around the )edding7 one@night stand )ith a lasting memory7/ - s)allo)

hard and stand u$7 - don4t have anything else to add to the conversation7 - have no idea )hy )omen

make the decisions they do6 but - do understand )hy Liam is u$set7 He missed out on a lot )here his son

is concerned7 !o one should have to e#$erience )hat he did6 unless it4s by choice7

- sit outside6 re$laying Liam4s )ords over and over in my head7 &enna4s $regnant7 The )ay he o$ened u$about him and !oah really struck a chord )ith me7 Liam al)ays )anted to be a ,ather7 - kno) my mum

)anted me6 but my dadA he couldn4t have cared less7

- light a cigarette6 blo)ing the smoke into the cool night air7 - make smoke rings to entertain mysel,

)hile - try to )ork out ho) to get &enna outside7 - should 9ust go to her room and kidna$ her7 That

)ould be e#citing and slightly stalkerish6 but she4d ,orgive me7 Her ,ather may shoot me though7

.%ou shouldn4t smoke7/

- turn shar$ly at the sound o, her voice7 She4s )earing a long )hite $y9ama to$ and -4m unable to see her

belly6 not that -4m looking6 but - 4m de,initely curious7



.&esus6 you $ut the shits right u$ me6 S)eet Li$s7/ - stub my cigarette out7 The last thing she needs is me

blo)ing smoke in her direction and hurting her baby7

.- did )hat</

.h sorry6 - mean6 you scared me7/

.%ou have an interesting )ay )ith )ords6 &immy7 3hat are you doing out here</ she asks6 sitting do)n

ne#t to me7 Her go)n covers her legs6 still making it im$ossible ,or me to see any evidence o, a bum$7 -

don4t kno) )hat my in,atuation is )ith her6 but - think she4s beauti,ul and this baby is going to be lucky

i, he4s staring at her all the time7 She could be having a girl )ith the same dark red hair and green eyes7

.3hat are you looking at</

.%ou6/ - re$ly6 smiling7

.3hy</ she brushes her hair )ith her hand and looks a)ay7

- reach over and $ull her chin to)ards me7 Her muscles are tense7 Her eyes are do)ncast7 - hate that

she4s a,raid o, a,,ection7

.-4m 9ust counting your ,reckles7/

.S$rinkles6/ she says7 - look at her 8uestioningly7 .- called them s$rinkles )hen - )as younger and never

sto$$ed7/

- dro$ my hand6 but let it rest on her leg7 She doesn4t $ush it o,, or shi,t a)ay7 .3ill you call them

s$rinkles ,or your baby too</

She looks at me in sur$rise7 - shrug in res$onse not )anting to give u$ the source o, my in,ormation7 -

try to smile at her6 but it turns more into a ,lirty gesture7 - rub my hand over my ,ace6 still unable to

move my other hand ,rom her leg7

.%ou kno) )hat6 - $romised you a holiday7 3hat do you say )e leave right no)6 get a ,light to some

tro$ical island and sit on hammocks ,or a )eek )hile )aves crash onto the beach around us<

%ou can go to the s$a and get $am$ered and -4ll treat you to moonlight )alks and dinner under the

stars7/

.- don4t kno)6 &immy6 )hat )ill all your girls think o, this treatment</ - shake my head7 .Only you get

this side o, me7 - )ant to give you a )eek o, $ure bliss7 -t4s the least - can do seeing as you never look

do)n on me7/

.Okay6/ she says6 not hesitating in the slightest7 - thought she4d de,initely $ut u$ a ,ight7

.(4you )ant to leave no)</ - kno) - do7 - )ant to get out o, Beaumont as 8uickly as )e can and go

)here no one )ill kno) us6 )here no one )ill bother us unless )e re8uest their attention7

.3hat about arrangements</

.Go and change and don4t $ack anything7 3e4ll buy everything )e need )hen )e get there7/ - stand and

reach out ,or her hand7 .5ome on6 you go change and -4ll leave a note to let everyone kno)7 - )ant to



sneak out be,ore someone tells us you can4t go or it4s no good ,or the baby7 -t4ll be good ,or the baby4s

mum and that4s )hat4s im$ortant right no)7/

&enna hesitates6 she doesn4t move )hen - $ull on her arm7

.3hat</

.3ho are you and )hat have you done )ith the &immy (avis - kno)</ - shrug7 .My ,riend needs a )eek

o, rest and rela#ation and -4m going to $rovide it7 5ome on6 S)eet Li$s7/ - move ,or)ard )ithout

thinking and $lace my li$s on hers7 She doesn4t $ull a)ay6 she ,ree*es7

- try not to let my disa$$ointment sho)7 -4m not sorry that - kissed her6 but - am sorry that she didn4t kiss

me back7

- should4ve said no7 That one syllable )ord )ith t)o letters mocks me7 But - said yes and no) - regret it7

&immy hel$s me o,, the ,light7 His arm is cinched tightly around my )aist6 holding me u$7 - s$ent a

ma9ority o, the ,light in the small overly cram$ed bathroom thro)ing u$7 -t )as the ,ood7 That4s )hat -told &immy7 But in all honesty6 the moment - smelled the $rocessed chicken in First 5lass - kne) it )as

going to be a long ,light7 He tried to com,ort me7 He even held me )hile - tried to slee$7

!o) he4s holding me as )e )alk through the terminal to our )aiting car7 He hel$s me in and gives the

driver the address to our hotel7 The Four Seasons6 o, course7 - close my eyes and lean my head against

the back o, the seat7 !othing about this tri$ is going smoothly7 -4m betting &immy is going to dro$ me o,,

at the room and hit the bar to ,ind some entertainment ,or the night7 - can4t really blame him6 even

though he said he )ouldn4t7 - might have to encourage him 9ust so he4ll rela#7

&immy )akes me u$ )hen )e arrive at the hotel7 The valet o$ens my door and hel$s me out7

&immy4s right6 the sun does ,eel good7 He gets out o, the car behind me6 $uts his hand on my back and

guides me to the door7 -t4s odd arriving )ith no luggage6 but - kno) )hy )e did )hen )e )alk in7

There are stores lining the )alls )ith everything that )e4ll need7

&immy gives a name6 not his6 but someone called Ed)ard 3indsor7 - sti,le a laugh and make a mental

note to ask &osie and Datelyn )hat the guys use ,or aliases7 - think it4s ,itting that &immy4s given himsel,

the last name o, 3indsor7 The desk clerk ta$s his ,igures over the keys7 The clickety@clack gives me a

headache7 - don4t )ant to de$end on &immy6 but right no) - need him7 - need the com,ort he4s )illing to

give me7 - lean to the side and rest my head on his shoulder7 He )ra$s his arm around me6 holding me to

him7 - can4t resist and rest my arm along his )aist7 -t ,eels good to be in his arms7 -, - )asn4t $regnant -



think -4d be )illing to see ho) ,ar - can go )ith &immy )hile )e4re on vacation7 3hat4s Bora Bora

)ithout sun6 sand and a bit o, se#<

.&ust a ,e) more minutes6 S)eet Li$s7/ He4s so sincere in the )ay he4s talking to me and the )ay he4sbeen since )e le,t Beaumont7 !o one6 at least those o, us in to)n6 ever see this side o, him7 -4m sure all

his girl,riends see him like this7 -t4s $robably )hy he has so many )omen ,locking to him7

.Mr7 and Mrs7 3indsor congratulations7/ The desk clerk beams )ith e#citement as he hands &immy

aka Ed)ard 3indsor his credit card7 -4m trying to $lay along6 but the congratulatory greeting is

con,using7 .- ho$e your honeymoon is everything you4ve ever dreamed o,7 3hen you4re in your room

and need assistance6 9ust dial one and the o$erator )ill hel$ you7/ - look u$ and stare at the clerk7 He4s

smiling so bright - have to )onder i, his cheeks hurt7

.3hat4s he talking about</ - ask6 8uietly6 not )anting to dra) attention to the clerk4s scre) u$7

&immy shakes his head slightly and turns us to)ard the )aiting bellho$7 3e ,ollo) him do)n the $ath

to)ard our suite7 5alm )aters surround us on each side7 The tur8uoise blue )ater looks so inviting7

Leave it to my $retend boy,riend to bring me on vacation to the one o, the most romantic destinations

in the )orld7 - ,eel like an idiot7

The bellho$ sto$s and $oints to our villa7 &immy $ulls me behind him6 sla$$ing some money into the

man4s hand be,ore closing the bamboo door7 - )alk in and ,ight back a laugh7

.Something ,unny</

- shake my head6 )ra$$ing my arms my stomach7 .3e4re in the most beauti,ul $lace in the )orld6

a$$arently on our honeymoon6 and -4m betting all you4re thinking about are the single )omen in thebar7/

.3hat makes you think something like that</ he sounds o,,ended7 - turn and look at him7 His ,ace is

solemn7 Sad6 even7 He looks do)n at the )ooden ,loor and at not at me7

.-4m sorry6 that )as rude7 Thank you ,or bringing me here6 &immy7/ - ste$ ,or)ard and $ut my arms

around him6 giving him a hug7 - don4t kno) )hat our boundaries are6 but - 4m not )illing to make him

uncom,ortable7

&immy $ulls me tighter to his body and kisses the to$ o, my head7 - sigh6 melting into him7 - like that he

isn4t a,raid to touch me even though my belly is starting to make me look bigger7 Most guys )ould be

turned o,,6 but not &immy7

&immy )alks us to the edge o, the room7 The )all is missing6 o, course6 giving us access to the )ater7 3e

stand here6 looking out at the )ater )hile in our suite7 There4s nothing sto$$ing us ,rom running

through the room and out to the )ater7 - can4t imagine ho) )e stay sa,e at night and maybe -4m missing

some sliding doors6 but this is beauti,ul and - think -4m in love7 - kno) -4m de,initely in good com$any

and thank,ul that he thought enough to bring us here7

.3ant to s)im</

- laugh7 .!o suit6 remember</



.- haven4t ,orgotten7 -4ll be right back7 (on4t go any)here7/

- look at him )ith con,usion7 .3here )ould - go</

.- don4t kno)7 Go have a sho)er7 - )on4t be long7/

&immy4s out o, the room be,ore - have a chance to say anything7 - try not to look at the clock6 to

memori*e the time he le,t7 - don4t )ant to set mysel, u$ ,or the heartbreak )hen his be right back4

turns into hours and hours o, being gone )hile - sit here in my dirty clothes7

- do as he suggests and take a sho)er7 The )ater ,eels good7 - don4t kno) ho) long - stand under the

s$ray6 but it4s long enough ,or my body to ,eel )atered do)n7 - $ull on the cotton bathrobe and rub the

collar on my cheek7 -t4s so so,t and inviting7 - run my ,ingers through my )et hair7 -4ll need to $ick u$ a

brush )hile -4m here7 - can go )ithout make@u$7 3ell6 maybe -4ll get some mascara7

3hen - o$en the door6 &immy is standing by the bed6 staring out into the lagoon7 My heart beats ra$idly7

- didn4t think he4d come back6 yet here he is7 He4s changed and is no) )earing dark slacks7

He turns and smiles7 - have to sto$ in my tracks7 His )hite button@do)n is o$en e#$osing the light

smattering o, dark hair on his torso7 He has one tattoo6 a 5hinese symbol resting $recariously near his

hi$ bone7 - )ant to touch him7 - )ant to run my ,ingers along his abs6 tracing each one until - kno) every

curve by heart7 His usual cra*y hair is styled nicely6 making me miss his Moha)k7

He has a date7

- try not to let the thought ruin my mood6 but - can4t hel$ it7 - o,,er him a sad smile and sit on the edge o,

the bed7

.3hat4s )rong6 S)eet Li$s</ he says6 kneeling in ,ront o, me7

.%ou4re dressed u$7/

He looks at himsel, and nods7 .So</

.%ou have a date6 &immy7 %ou said no other )omen7/ - kno) -4m com$laining7 -t4s childish and stu$id7 -

should 9ust go to the lobby and buy a nice book to read )hile he4s out gallivanting )ith the ,emale

$o$ulation7

.- do have a date6 silly girl6 )ith you7/

.3hat</

&immy $uts his hand on my knee6 moving the bathrobe out o, the )ay7 .- )ant you to listen to me7

Over these $ast ,e) months -4ve gro)n to kno) you $retty )ell and i, -4m being honest6 you4re one o,

my best ,riends7 - can be mysel, )hen -4m around you and not the $er,ormer or the guy those other

grou$ies look ,or7 %ou let me be an idiot and you still don4t look do)n at me7 3hen - ,ound out about

your e#6 - )anted to kill him and - haven4t had those kind o, thoughts in years7 - thought ho) could a

man hit someone as beauti,ul and s)eet as you<4 3hen Liam told me about the baby6 - realised that you

don4t need to do this alone7/



.3hat are you talking about</

.%ou said you4d listen7/

.!o6 - didn4t6 you 9ust started talking6/ - say6 smiling7

.See that4s )hat -4m talking about7 %ou could be serious right no)6 but you4re 9oking around and - really

like that about you7 5an you at least $lease hear me out</ - nod6 earning a smile ,rom him7

.3ill you marry me</

My mouth dro$s o$en )hen he $ulls out a ring7 - cover my mouth6 shaking my head7 3hy is he doing

this<

.re you cra*y</

.%es6/ he says matter o, ,act7

.&immy6 be serious here7 3e can4t get married7/

.3hy not</ he looks hurt7 - shake my head7 - stand and )alk to)ard the )ater7 &immy ,ollo)s6 standing

behind me7 He $laces his hands on the back o, my arms6 rubbing u$ and do)n7 -t ,eels like - can reach

out and touch the )ater7 The vie) is indescribable7 The )ater is blue no) )ith the )ay the sun is

shining6 and moving so e,,ortlessly6 unencumbered6 against the $illars7

.-4m being serious6 &enna7/ He turns me into his arms7 .- )ant to take care o, you7 - kno) )e aren4t a

cou$le6 but )e could be i, )e tried7 3e can learn to be a cou$le7/ - shake my head6 ,ighting back tears7

.%ou live a li,estyle that - could never agree to be a $art o,7

-4d )ant my husband home )ith me at night and not in some other bed7/

.-4d be ,aith,ul7/

- thro) my arms u$ and )i$e my tears7 .Oh6 &immy6 ho) can you say that</

.Because it4s true7/ He ste$s in ,ront o, me6 $ulling my hands into his7 .- )ant this7 - )ant to take care o,

you7 - )ant to live )ith you7 - even )ant to ,ight )ith you so that )e can make@u$ )ith each other7/

.-4ve been married be,ore and s)ore -4d never do it again7 3hy )ould - )ant to $ut mysel, through that

again6 es$ecially kno)ing )hat - kno) about you</

&immy looks do)n at the ring in his hand7 He sighs be,ore looking at me7 .- understand )hat you4resaying6 and i, - )ere you6 -4d ,eel the same )ay7 - kno) -4m not the best man out there6 but - look at you

and you make me )ant to be better7 - kno) )hat $eo$le think o, me7 - kno) you and everyone else

thinks -4m a man@)hore or -4m too young to be tied do)n7 Maybe this )ill be tem$orary or maybe it )ill

be ,or li,e6 - don4t kno)6 but it ,eels right7 - don4t do commitments6 but )hen - look at you6 - see a ,uture7

- see my ,uture7/

He sees his ,uture6 but does he see me< - )ant to say no7 - )ant to run screaming a)ay ,rom here7

That )ould be the logical thing to do7 To say thanks6 but no thanks7 &immy has a li,estyle that he4s used

too and that doesn4t really mesh )ith me7 -4d be a )reck )aiting ,or him to come home at night7



-4d be an#ious that he4d ,ind someone else a,ter a lonely night7 m - enough to get him to stay<

3hat i, - am< 3hat i, -4m enough to hel$ him change his )ays< 3hat i, he4s )hat - need<

.%es6/ - say6 )ith any more hesitation7 .%es6 &immy6 -4ll marry you7/ 3E )alk6 hand in hand6 back to our

villa7 - never thought someone like &immy could be this romantic6 es$ecially in the s$ur o, the moment7 -

don4t think this )as $lanned6 but i, it )as6 -4m im$ressed7

- s8ueal )hen he $icks me u$ bridal style7 He carries me over the threshold and into our room that has

been mysteriously decorated )ith rose $etals7 - don4t kno) i, he )ants a traditional marriage7 -4m not

even sure i, - can do a traditional marriage )ith him7 The thought o, being )ith him is enticing6 but the

images o, him )ith other )omen kee$ the shutting the door on those thoughts7 Maybe he4ll be $atient

and make me ,all in love )ith him7 3hat ha$$ens i, - do and he cheats< - don4t kno) i, - can do this and

kee$ him ha$$y7 Surely6 he4ll )ant se#7 ny man )ould in this case6 but -4m not sure ho) long he )ill

)ait until he leaves me ,or someone else7

He sets me do)n and )alks over to the stereo6 turning on some light music7 - can4t sto$ staring at the

bed7 bottle o, 5ham$agne sits on the table )ith a bo)l o, stra)berries7 - set my hand on my tummy

and move my thumb back and ,orth7

- 9um$ slightly )hen his hands rest on mine7 He $resses his li$s against my bare shoulder7 The dress he

bought ,or me6 a )hite stra$less chi,,on ,ull@length go)n )ith a )hite satin ribbon that tied under my

breasts6 )as $er,ect7 -t ,lo)ed over my bum$ hiding it nicely so no one could tell7

- don4t kno) )hat my $arents are going to say6 but - kno) - did the right thing7 -4ve never done anything

s$ontaneous or in the heat o, the moment7 - kno) this may be stu$id6 but being married to &immy ,eels

right7 - kno) he4s not going to hurt me )ith his ,ist7 He might )ith his body6 but never )ill he lay a ,ingeron me to cause harm7 That is something - can trust7

&immy un*i$s my dress6 letting it $ool at my ,eet7

.3hat are you doing6 &immy</

His li$s move across my back7 He $laces small kisses every ,e) inches7 .-4m going to make love to my

)i,e7/

.- don4t understand7/

.3hat4s not to understand6 Mrs7 (avis< 3e4re married and - $lan on making love to you every chance -

get7 -t4s a $erk6 right</

.re you moving in )ith me</

.%es6 - am7 - ha$$en to like your a$artment very much7/ He unclas$s my bra6 adding it to the $ile my

dress is already in7 He )ants to be married6 in every as$ect o, the )ord7 He )ants to share a bed6 as long

as -4ll allo) him to be ne#t to me7 - should try6 right< - can make a solid attem$t at being his )i,e7 (oes

he deserve this< He deserves to be loved6 cherished and treated )ith res$ect 9ust like any other man6

right< He stands be,ore me6 unbuttoning his shirt7 - should do it ,or him6 but he mesmeri*es me7 This is a

ne) side o, him7 side that -4m )illing to bet no one has ever seen7



He $icks u$ my hand and holds it out so the moonlight can shine o,, my diamond7 .Gorgeous6 but not

nearly as gorgeous as the $erson )earing it6/ he says7 - kne) he )as being honest )ith me )hen he

$ulled out a band ,or his ,inger7 He4s breaking hearts all over the )orld tonight no) that he4s taken

himsel, o,, the market7

He bends6 his hands resting on my stomach7 He looks at me6 never breaking eye contact as he $laces a

kiss on my skin7 Tears $ool6 making my vision blurry7 - reach out and trail my ,ingers over his cheek7 He

has tears in his eyes and - don4t kno) )hy7

.3hy didn4t you tell me</

- shake my head7

.-4ve been thinking about you since that night6 &enna7 Every day6 - see you )hen - close my eyes7

%ou4re burnt into my skin and -4ve been ,ighting my demons every time -4m near you7/

.&immy6/ - say6 ,ighting back the tears7

.S)eet Li$s6 )e4re going to have a baby7/

- nod6 con,irming )hat he kno)s7 3hat - kno)7

He smiles6 kissing my stomach again7 .3e created a little human and you4re going to bring our child into

the )orld7 -4ll be there6 by your side6 through the )hole thing7 - $romise you7/

S-TT-!G across the room ,rom her is torture7 -4ve never been attracted to a red head be,ore6 but there4s

something about &enna that hits me dee$ in my core7 The )ay she holds hersel,6 she moves )ith such

con,idence7 -4ve seen other )omen hold all the attention in a room be,ore )ith their ,ake $ersonalities6

but she doesn4t need to do that7 She4s genuine and elegant7 She4s all )oman and $robably more thaneven - can handle7

Every time -4ve come to Beaumont -4ve noticed more and more things about her6 but she4s out o, my

league7 -4m not smooth like Liam or romantic like Harrison7 - can4t o,,er her stability or even a seven@day

relationshi$7 -4m damaged and broken7 -4m a heartless bastard )ho only )ants one thing and has no

$roblem getting it7

- )atch as she )orks the room7 She dances )ith Liam6 their bodies move in sync )ith each other and the

music7 3hen she4s ,inished6 she4s in the arms o, Mr7 =o)ell6 Datelyn4s ,ather@in@la)7 - should ask her to



dance7 The only thing )rong )ith me doing that is - )ant to dance bet)een the sheets )ith our clothes

o,, and our bodies slick )ith s)eat7

She catches me staring7 -t4s not the ,irst time and it $robably )on4t be the last7 - )ant carnal kno)ledgeo, her body and i, - don4t get it soon -4m going to s$ontaneously combust7 - )ant to ,eel her )ra$$ed

around my dick )hile - grind into her7 She4ll )ant me to stay and -4ll )ant to say goodbye7

One night – that4s all - need – nothing more6 nothing less7 There4s nothing )rong )ith t)o adults giving

into heated $assion to ,ul,ill their needs and desires7 She may not need me6 but a,ter a minute )ith me6

she4ll be begging ,or me to take her7 - have no doubt she4ll satis,y my hunger7 She4ll 8uench my thirst7

Then - can move on7 - can get her out o, my system and go about my business7 !o one needs to kno)7

!o one can ,ind out7

She )alks to the bar and the barman ,lirts )ith her7 -t4s enough to make my blood boil7 -s he her ty$e< -,

so6 -4m out o, the running7 He4s tall6 lanky and looks like he $lays basketball7 The only thing - can $lay is

her body and - kno) damn )ell -4ll be able to make her sing )ith the touch o, a ,inger7 The barman

hands her a na$kin and - have no doubts it $robably has his number scra)led on it7 He )ants to take her

on a date7 - )ant to ,uck her7

- do)n my )hisky and coke and decide to take my chance7 She can turn me do)n6 -4ll be okay6 but -

don4t think she )ill7 -4ve seen her )atch me7 - kno) that look7 -4ve seen her undressing me6 )ondering

)hat - have hiding under my 9eans7 -, - $lay my cards right6 -4ll be able to sho) her7

- saddle u$ behind her6 $lacing my hands on her hi$s7 My thumbs dig into her arse6 hitting her $ressure

$oint7 .-s he bothering you6 love</ - say6 loud enough to get the barman4s attention7 He shakes his head

and goes back to his )ork7 &enna turns around in my arms6 my hands don4t leave their ne) ,avourite

$lace7 !o one told me that )hen - touched the ,iery red head that my $alms )ould burn7

.3hat are you doing6 &immy</

.-4ve come to rescue you7/

.3ho says - need to be rescued</ &enna crosses her arms over her chest6 accentuating her glorious

breasts7 They4re a ,ine set o, $u$$ies that - need to taste6 tickle and $ush my ,ace into ,or the ne#t hour7

.3ant to have a little ,un</ "sually - 9ust have to nod to the door and )omen ,all over themselves to get

to )herever it is )e are going6 but )ith her6 it4s going to be di,,erent7

.3hat do you have in mind</

- look around6 making a note o, )here Liam and Harrison are7 The last thing - need is ,or either o, them

to give me shit ,or ,ucking around )ith &enna6 but - need to scratch this itch and -4m ,airly certain by the

looks she4s been giving me that she )ants it too7

.-s there some)here )e can go</

&enna looks around7 She bites her lo)er li$6 enticing me more7 .There4s a room do)n the hall $ast the

bathrooms7 -4ll meet you there7/



She )alks out ,irst6 leaving me to )atch her arse s)ay7 -4m not going to have any 8ualms about li,ting

that skirt u$ and burying mysel, dee$ inside her7 - )ant to hear her scream my name and )atch her

come undone )ith my e#$ertise7

- )ait a ,e) minutes6 $robably not long enough6 but - can4t )ait any longer6 - need to ,eel her legs

)ra$$ed around me7 - )alk6 ,aster than normal6 do)n the hall7 The sound o, the )edding celebration

becomes mu,,led the ,urther - $ut the $arty behind me7

The door is cracked o$en7 - shove it o$en6 my eagerness obvious7 She turns6 her skirt t)irling7 -, - didn4t

kno) better6 -4d think )e )ere ,ilming a scene ,or a b@rated $orn ,ilm7 The only thing missing is the

cheesy music7

- shut the door6 locking it behind me7 &enna doesn4t move closer7 She stands on the other side o, the

room6 her hands behind her back7 - sli$ o,, my 9acket and $lace it on the chair7 My tie is ne#t7 This is

going to be 8uick6 but - )ant her to touch me7 - )ant to ,eel her nails dig into my skin7 - unbutton my

shirt and undo my belt7 - take out my )allet and grab the condom - $ut there earlier7 - $lace it on the

table6 her eyes )atching my every move7

.Ever done this be,ore</

She shakes her head7 .-4ve never had se# outside o, a relationshi$ be,ore7/ - reach out6 $lacing my hand

on her hi$ and $ull her to me7 .-, you don4t )ant to6 -4ll leave7/ Her eyes bore into mine7 .-4m here aren4t

-</

.3hat are you doing</ &enna stretches out ne#t to me7 For the ,irst time6 in a long time6 - made love to a

)oman7 This time it )as di,,erent7 This time the buildu$ o, a relationshi$ )asn4t there7 This time it4s my

)i,e7

.Thinking7/

.bout )hat</ she rolls and ,aces me7 - curl her hair behind her ear6 moving closer7 - take her hand in

mind6 kissing her $alm7

.bout the night )e conceived our baby7 3ere you ever going to tell me</ She shakes her head6 hiding

her ,ace in the $illo)7 .3hy not</

Her shoulders shrug7 - $ull her u$6 enough so - can see her7 She looks so beauti,ul )ith the sun shining

through the )indo)7

.- didn4t )ant you to think you had to stick around7 Even no)6 i, you )ant out6 i, you )ant to move onlike nothing has ha$$ened6 -4ll be okay7 3e4ll be okay7/ She $uts her hand on her stomach7 The small

round6 but noticeable6 bum$ is barely hiding behind her hand7 The same hand - $laced a diamond ring

on last night6 a ring that - meant6 )ith every ,ibre o, my being6 to give her7

- kno) li,e6 ,or me6 is going to be di,,erent7 !o more late nights7 !o more )omen7 -nstead6 -4m going to

have a )i,e that -4ll come home to each night and lie in bed )ith on Sunday mornings7 - )ant to be

di,,erent ,rom my dad7 !o6 - have to be di,,erent7 My child and )i,e deserve the )orld7 - )on4t let &enna

su,,er because o, the ,ucked u$ choices -4ve made ,or mysel, during the $ast three years7



.- don4t )ant out6/ - say6 $utting my hand over hers7 .This is )here - )ant to be7 3hen Liam told me you

)ere $regnant - )anted to hurt the guy )ho )as res$onsible6 but )hen he said ho) many months you

are and that it ha$$ened sometime around the )edding6 - kne) - )as that guy7 -4m not going to let you

do this by yoursel,7 3e4re going to be $artners in everything7 The only )ay you4re going to get rid o, me

is to tell me that the baby4s not mine6 but - kno) in my heart that it is7/

.3e don4t have to be married ,or you to be a $art o, the baby4s li,e i, that4s )hat you )ant7/ - $ush her

do)n and hover over the to$ o, her7 .- )ant to be married to you7 %ou4re ,ucking se#y as hell and you

rock my )orld6 S)eet Li$s7/

&enna smiles and )iggles underneath me6 increasing the $roblem in my bo#ers7

.3hy do you call me that</

- lean do)n and kiss her once7 .Because the ,irst time - tasted your li$s6 - thought - had died and gone to

heaven7 They4re so s)eet and no) they4re all mine7/

.%ou4re such a dork7/

- ,all to the side o, her and $retend -4m hurt7 She runs her ,ingers through my hair and kisses me belo)

my ear7

.Traditional marriage</

- raise my head and smile7 .%es6 that means you have to clean my bo#ers and cook my dinner7/

.nd you4ll come home every night7 !o other )omen</

.!o other )omen ever6 e#ce$t you7/ - kiss her hard6 ho$ing to eliminate any thoughts she has about mestraying7 -4ve only been )illing to settle do)n one other time in my li,e and that changed in one ,ate,ul

night7 Since then6 -4ve been doing )hoever - $lease because it4s easier than having a relationshi$7 That4s

until no)7 &enna4s di,,erent7 -4ve kno)n that ,rom the night o, the )edding7 - )as 9ust too stuck in my

o)n )orld to realise it and )ork out )hat do to about it7

.-4m a,raid to trust you7 -4m scared that you4re going to ,igure out this isn4t )hat you )ant and that our

ideas o, a traditional marriage are di,,erent7/

.- understand that6 but -4ll do )hatever you need me to6 to make you ,eel secure7/ - kiss my )ay do)n

her body li,ting u$ my )hite t@shirt that she sle$t in7 - $lace kisses over her belly )ithout breaking eye

contact )ith her7 -4ve al)ays thought &enna )as se#y6 but kno)ing she4s having a baby6 my baby6 makes

her the se#iest ,ucking girl -4ve ever seen7 t the moment6 - don4t )ant to be any)here else7

Being a $arent )asn4t something -4ve )anted ,or a )hile7 3hen - )as )ith 5helsea )e talked about

babies )ith her ,ive and ten year $lans6 but )hen )e s$lit u$6 - s)ore o,, children7 - )as determined not

to ,ind the one to tie me do)n7 -t4s a good thing )e ,ound each other because at the moment6 - don4t

)ant to be any)here else7 E#ce$t in the sea6 that is7 >ight no)6 - )ant to see my )i,e in the bikini - 9ust

bought her7

.Let4s go s)imming6/ - say6 kissing my )ay u$ her stomach7 She ad9usts as - move bet)een her legs7 Her

hands rest on my shoulders7 Her eyes are dark )ith need7 - could give into her and as much as -4d love to

s$end all our time in this bed6 )e need to e#$lore and - )ant to start )ith e#$loring her body in the sea7



.- don4t have a s)imsuit7/

.Hmm6 not that you need one because6 trust me6 -4d love to sit here and )atch your boobs get sun

kissed all day6 but your bikini is in one o, the dra)ers over there7/ - $oint behind me7 She li,ts her headslightly6 and looks over my shoulder7

.Ho)4d it get there</

.3hile )e )ere o,, getting )ed6 - had a bunch o, things delivered7 5ome on no)6 u$ you go6 love7/ - sit

back on my knees6 straddling her7 She starts laughing6 covering her ,ace7 .3hat4s so ,unny6 S)eet Li$s</

.%ou and your accent7/

.Mhm6 )ell - have it on good authority that you ha$$en to like my accent7/ - lean ,or)ard and kiss her

on her neck6 her cheek and chin until -4ve moved her hand out o, the )ay so - can kiss her s)eet6

delectable li$s7

She shakes her head6 causing me to laugh7

.re you telling me you don4t like my accent</

She s$reads her ,ingers so she can $eek out through the ga$7 .-t4s not that6 it4s 9ust sometimes you say

things that - don4t understand and other times everything is very merican7/ - sit back again and $ull her

u$7 .That4s because - s$end all my time )ith those cra*y band mates o, mine7 Have you heard those t)o

get on< They4re like an old married cou$le6 - can tell you7 %ou never kno) )hat4s going to come out o,

their mouths7/

.3ell6 - like it7/

.That4s good7 &ust think )e4ll have to s$end a lot o, time in England so our bub has an accent too7

!o) come on my )i,ey6 let4s go get dirty in the )ater7/

- don4t give her time to res$ond7 - stand and scoo$ her o,, the bed6 carrying her over to the chest o,

dra)ers7 - $ut her do)n leaving her to ,ind )hatever s)imming costume she )ants to )ear7 -, - stand

there too long -4m bound to take her back to bed7

- kno) all this is too good to be true7 - should be running a)ay ,rom him6 but - can4t7 -4ve liked him ,or so

long that )hen he a$$roached me at the )edding there )as no )ay - )as saying no7 3hen - ,ound out -

)as $regnant6 even though - kne) - couldn4t have him6 -4d at least have a $art o, him7



3hen &immy got on bended knee and asked me to marry him6 - should4ve said no7 - should4ve saved him

,rom the mistake he4s going to ,eel in a )eek or a month7 But - thought6 ,or one brie, moment6 that

)hen our child is older - could say6 .yeah6 your $arents )ere married/6 and that )ould make everything

okay7 - never sus$ected that he kne)7 Honestly6 - haven4t given him much credit because he4s 9um$ing

,rom bed to bed6 but he kne)7 For that6 - have to admire him7

-4m not sure ho) -4m going to trust him7 -t4s going to be very tough7 Ho) can a man )ho4s used to being

a certain )ay suddenly change< -t doesn4t seem $ossible7 lso6 - kno) nothing about him7 -4ve married a

total stranger6 but then again6 )ho $lans to marry the ,ather o, their unborn child months a,ter a one@

night stand< !ot me6 that4s ,or sure7 - thought )e had our moment and that )as it7 -4d see him )hen he

)as in to)n and )e4d be ,riendly7 !ever did - e#$ect this7

- stand on the edge o, the deck to our villa7 &immy s)ims )ith his back to me7 - can make out the ,aint

coloring o, his tattoo7 - like that he4s not covered like Harrison6 not that -4ve been staring at Harrison6 but

have seen him enough times mo)ing his la)n to kno)7 &immy4s are subtle and along his arm6 9ustenough to add a bit o, mystery to him7

.=enny ,or your thoughts6 )i,ey7/ he $o$s out o, the )ater6 startling me7 - cover my heart and try to

regulate my breathing7 He laughs and s)ims over to the ladder7 - take in his body as he a$$ears7 The

)ater dri$$ing o,, his already tan skin makes my mouth )ater7 - can have him anytime - )ant7 >ight no)

that sounds like heaven6 but - can4t shake the ,eeling that once )e4re back in reality6 -4ll 9ust be

something he has to take care o,7 - don4t think -4m enough ,or him to change and -4m thinking that

maybe )e should get this marriage annulled )hen )e get back7 !o hard ,eelings or anything7 - 9ust don4t

)ant to be the reason he4s holding back ,rom )ho he truly is7

He comes behind me6 $ressing his )et chest against my back7 His hands move around me and rest on

my stomach7 His thumbs move u$ and do)n7 He kisses my collarbone6 moving to my shoulder7

.%ou4re so ,ucking se#y7/

- roll my eyes even though he can4t see me7 -4m $lain com$ared to the )omen -4ve seen him

$hotogra$hed )ith7 .-4m going to be ,at soon7/

.-s that )hat you think</

- nod7 -t4s )hat - kno)7 -4ve looked u$ the $ictures o, di,,erent stages o, $regnancy7 - kno) )hat -4m

going to look like7 -t )on4t be long be,ore he sto$s coming home because -4m a grouchy oversi*ed bitch7

.5ome into the )ater )ith me7/ - have no reason to deny him7 3e4re here6 on vacation6 and this is )hat$eo$le do6 they s)im7 - nod and turn in his arms7 - tell my heart to shut do)n6 to not look into his so,t

bro)n eyes7 Even i, he means )ell no)6 - don4t )ant the heartbreak later7 His hands move u$ my back

and into my hair7 He $ulls at the elastic hair band6 releasing my $onytail7 -4ve been trying to gro) out my

hair and it4s 9ust above my shoulders7 - ho$e he likes longer hair7

.- like it )hen you have your hair do)n6/ he says6 his eyes boring into mine7 - )ish - could read him7 -

)ish - kne) )hat )as going through his mind7 His li$s touch mine so,tly and only brie,ly7

Maybe he4s regretting this already7 -, that4s the case6 he 9ust needs to tell me6 -4ll let him go7 - )on4t hold

him in a marriage that he doesn4t )ant to be in7 .re you ready</ he asks6 taking my hand in his7



He turns me around to ,ace the )ater7

.-s it dee$ enough to 9um$</

.O, course7 %ou4ll be ,ine6 trust me7/

- look at him )hen he says trust me and ,eel my heart break a little7 - o,,er a small smile and nod7

He holds our hands u$ and )e 9um$ in7 - shriek at the tem$erature o, the )ater and make ,or the

ladder7 &immy grabs me around the )aist and $ulls me to him7

.Hey6 )here are you going</

.-t4s cold6 &immy7 -4m going back to the room7/

.&ust )ait a minute6 S)eet Li$s6 it4ll )arm u$7/ He s)ims us out a bit and into the sun7 - lean back against

his shoulder and let the )armth beat do)n on my ,ace7 He holds us in the )ater6 ,loating7 He4s right and- hate to admit it7 The )ater does ,eel good7 &immy runs his ,ingers along my sides6 over my bum$ and

back again7 The romantic side o, me )ants to think that he4s trying to memori*e me6 but the $ractical

side tells me that he4s doing this so that -4ll think he4s in this marriage ,or real7

His ,ingers gra*e my breasts7 - close my eyes and lean ,arther back against his shoulder7 -4m so sensitive

and he kno)s that7 &immy sucks my ear lobe into his mouth6 biting me gently7 He slides his hands into

the ,ront o, my to$6 his hands massaging my breasts7 He moves my bikini cu$s to the side6 e#$osing me

,or all to see7 - o$en my eyes and look around6 but see no one7 -t4s as i, he4s $aid everyone to be gone so

)e could be like this7

He slides his hand do)n the ,ront o, my bottoms6 his ,inger $ressing against my aching clit7 My back

arches on its o)n accord )elcoming the attention he4s sho)ing my body7 He bites and kisses

every)here he can reach )hile the )ater la$s over us7

.&immy6/ - say6 sounding like a )anton )hore7

.%eah6 s)eetheart</

My hand ,inds the back o, his head7 - $ull on his hair6 cementing him to my shoulder7 He chuckles6

increasing the $ressure o, his ,inger7 - don4t kno) ho) -4m not sinking to the ocean ,loor6 but someho)

he4s holding us u$7

.- )ant to ,uck you6 &enna7 - )ant to hear you screaming my name as - make you come7 (o you )ant

that</

- nod6 unable to ,ind my voice7 His hand $ushes my bottoms do)n6 giving him more access7 - move my

legs and kick them o,,6 not bothering to hang on to them7 Maybe some ,isherman )ill ,ind them )hen

he reels in his big catch and take them home as a souvenir7

- move my head enough so that - can kiss him7 He allo)s it7 Moving so that -4m not stretching too ,ar7 -

can4t get enough and stand6 the )ater coming to my neck7 &immy holds me close6 not letting me go7 -

$ull him do)n to my li$s6 my tongue seeking out his7 He $icks me u$6 my legs hanging loosely around his

)aist7 His ,ingers dig into my thighs6 inches ,rom )here - need him7 - )ork my hand into his s)im trunks6

loving the )ay he hisses )hen my hand grabs his hard cock7



He bites my lo)er li$6 sucking it into his mouth )hile - )ork a steady rhythm7 His ,ingers $enetrate me6

$ushing into me7 3e are creating our o)n )aves in this beauti,ul ocean and all - can think about is

)atching this gorgeous man move over the to$ o, me )ith s)eat dri$$ing o,, his body7

- $ush do)n his shorts6 ,reeing him ,rom the con,ines holding him back7 He moves6 )alking us dee$er

into the )ater7 - don4t kno) )hat4s he4s thinking6 but - go )ith it7 - startle )hen - ,eel )ood hit my back7 -

$ull a)ay and look behind me6 con,used7

.5limb the ladder6 love7/

.3hy</ To say -4m racked )ith con,usion is an understatement7 Moments ago )e4re hot and heavy and

mostly naked and no) he4s telling me to climb the ladder7

.&enna6 - )ant to ,uck you senseless6 but not in the )ater7 - don4t )ant to harm the baby or you ,or that

matter7 !o) get your beauti,ul arse u$ this ladder be,ore - have to )ork out a )ay to carry you u$7/

- don4t hesitate7 - turn and climb each rung as 8uickly as $ossible7 - s8ueal )hen - ,eel him bite my butt

cheek6 but secretly love it7 This is the ty$e o, $assion - )ant in my li,e and i, it4s short lived then so be it7

-4ll cherish each moment until he takes them a)ay ,rom me7

&immy4s on me the moment my ,eet touch the deck7 He $icks me u$6 only to kneel on the deck7 His

shorts are still do)n6 around his thighs7 - reach out and stroke him7 He closes his eyes be,ore he latches

onto my ni$$le7 - s8uirm6 needing more attention ,rom him7 He chuckles and moves to my other breast

be,ore moving do)n my body7 His li$s bla*e a trail hotter than the sun kissing my skin7

He sto$s at my bum$6 his li$s )his$ering along my skin7

My head $ushes hard into the deck )hen - ,eel his tongue la$ at my ,olds7 He $ushes my thighs6 holdingthem a$art6 taking advantage o, my )eakened state7 He sucks on my clit6 bringing me to the brink7

.&immy6/ - say6 grabbing onto his hair6 holding him there7

.Scream it out6 s)eetheart6/ he says as his li$s ca$ture mine7 He slides into me6 ,illing me7 He sits back

on his knees6 holding my legs out giving him more s$ace to move7 He rubs my clit causing me to scream

out7 - arch my back6 my body begging ,or more7 .Fuck6 &enna your $ussy is going to be the death o, me7

The )ay you ,eel against my dick6 - can4t get enough7/ He $ounds into me6 em$hasi*ing each )ord he

says7

Heat $ools too 8uickly ,or my liking7 - )ant this to last6 even though - kno) )e can do it again7 - don4t

)ant him to sto$7 The sounds o, our )et bodies sla$$ing against each other is turning me on and - can4thold o,, my im$ending orgasm7

He moves ,aster and changes $ositions6 thro)ing my legs u$ onto his shoulders7 He moves closer6

gri$$ing my hi$s as he moves in me7

.&immy6/ - scream as my orgasm takes over my body7 - $ush into him6 needing more ,riction7

.Fuck6 S)eet Li$s6 take my dick6 o)n it6 it4s all yours7/

His )ords are my undoing and his as )ell7 He slams into me re$eatedly6 moaning7 My legs ,all to his side

as he lies on to$ o, me7 He kisses me6 dee$ly6 holding my ,ace in his hands7 -t4s too s)eet6 too caring7 -



re,use to believe he means it because it4ll hurt later )hen he leaves7 Dee$ him at a distance6 that4s )hat

- need to do7

.That )as ,antastic6/ he says against my li$s7 ll - can do is nod7 -, anything6 )e4ll have great se# until theday )e don4t7

.-t )as7/

He rolls onto his side and cradles me7 His bare ass is in $lain sight ,or anyone to see7 .=eo$le $robably

sa) us7 3e )on4t be able to sho) our ,aces in the hotel7/ &immy laughs7 .ll they4re saying is look at

that lucky bastard )ith his gorgeous )i,e having se#7

nd you kno) )hat</

.3hat</ - say6 ,ighting back laughter7

.%ou kno) damn )ell that man )ent back to his missus and 9ust shagged the cra$ out o, her7/ - shake

my head7 .3hat i, it )as a )oman</

.Hmm7 -, it )as a )oman6 she )ent back to her bloke and had her )icked )ay )ith him7/

.-s that so</

.Mhm6 ye$6 de,initely7/ He $resses his li$s to mine6 trailing his hand do)n my side7 He hitches my leg

over his hi$ and ad9usts6 $ushing into me7

.gain</ - ask6 seeing the lust in his eyes7

.S)eetheart6 -4m a )alking hard on )hen it comes to you7 Thank 5hrist6 -4ll never have blue balls again7/

&immy makes love to me on the deck7 This time it4s much di,,erent6 like he4s trying to sho) my heart that

he4s here and not going any)here7 - 9ust re,use to believe this )ill be real once )e head back to reality7

SHE doesn4t initiate se#7 - don4t kno) )hat else to do7 - can4t get enough o, her and yet6 )hen - think

she4s about to make a move6 she shuts do)n and )aits ,or me7 She gets so close and then - see the

moment she starts to $ull a)ay and don4t kno) )hat - can do to hel$ guide her over the edge7 -4ve tried

everything - can think o,7 The romantic )alks on the beach6 sho$$ing and making love to her under the

stars7 The only thing -4ve held back on is telling her that - love herA - don4t kno) i, -4m there yet7 - don4t

kno) )hat else - can do7 - hold her hand7 - introduce her as my )i,e and -4ve even told a ,e) other

holidaymakers that )e4re having a baby7



- 9ust )ant her to )ant me the )ay that - )ant her7 - don4t )ant her to ,eel like -4m going through the

motions o, being her husband7 -4m in this ,or li,e )hether she thinks - am or not7 - 9ust need her to trust

me6 to o$en u$ to me7

- lie on my stomach6 )atching her over my shoulder as she )alks $assed the bed7 She thinks -4m aslee$6

but -4ve been a)ake ,or the $ast ,e) hours )atching her slee$7 She ,ell aslee$ in my arms but at some

$oint in the middle o, the night6 she rolled over to the other side6 as ,ar a)ay ,rom me as $ossible7 -

don4t like that7 - kno) she4s been hurt in the $ast6 but she has to kno) -4d never lay a ,inger on her7

The sho)er s)itches on and - realise - can lie here and think about the )ays in )hich - can sho) her that

-4m her husband in every )ay $ossible? or - can go sho)er )ith my )i,e and ho$e that she starts to

realise that -4m here and that - )ant to be )ith her7 - kne) )hat it meant )hen - asked her to marry me

and - can4t lie6 it4s going to be hard7 -4m used to doing )hatever and )hoever - )ant )ithout

conse8uence7 - need to rein my shit in and honour her the )ay she needs to be7

Bottom line is6 - )on4t be my ,ather7

- get out o, bed and sit on the edge7 My hand rests on my knee6 the sun shining on my ring causing a

$rism7 - look do)n at my $latinum band and smile7 - $icked this out 8uickly and -4ll admit6 - like )earing

it7 -t makes me ,eel like -4ve accom$lished something good in my li,e7 - kno) &enna $robably should4ve

had a say6 but - didn4t )ant her to give her the o$tion o, saying no7 -4m married and -4m $roud to be her

husband7 - 9ust have to ,ind the $ro$er )ay o, sho)ing her that7

- run to the bathroom to catch her in the sho)er7 3hen - o$en the door6 the glass sho)er doors are

steamed u$6 limiting my visibility o, her naked body7 - o$en the door6 and ste$ into the hot )ater7 She

turns and looks at me over her shoulder7 She heard me come in6 th)arting my attem$t at sur$rising her7

-4m re)arded )ith a killer smile making me believe that she4s ha$$y to see me7

- ste$ closer6 my chest touching her back7 - take the loo,ah ,rom her hands and dro$ it on the ,loor7

She turns to ,ace me6 but - sto$ her7 My intent )as to come in and sho)er )ith her because that4s )hat

husband and )ives do7 But the thought o, her being covered in soa$ turns me on and as much as - )ant

be )ith her like that6 it4ll have to )ait until ne#t time7 One look at her and - can4t not touch her7 - need to

,eel her skin against mine7

- ste$ ,or)ard until she4s $ressed against the glass7 Her hands s$read out6 steadying hersel,7 - )onder i,

she kno)s )hat4s coming ne#t7

3hen - have her like this she looks vulnerable6 but - kno) better7 This )oman can rock my )orld )ith 9ust one look7 She4s dangerous and i, -4m not care,ul6 she4ll break my heart7 There4s a glint in her eye

)hen - $lace my hands on either side o, her ,ace7 The )ater is cascading do)n over us making it almost

im$ossible to see each other7 - could turn it o,,6 but - really like the steam it creates7

.Good morning6 )i,ey6/ - say as my li$s meet hers7 Her hands tangle in my hair6 holding me closer7

My hands slide o,, the )all and cu$ her arse6 $ulling her against my aching dick7 She breaks ,ree o, my

mouth6 much to my dis$leasure7 Her li$s move across my cheek6 to my ear and do)n my neck7 Her

,ingernails move do)n my chest6 $inching my ni$$les in their )ake7 She licks the )ater that has $ooled

belo) my navel7 My dick 9um$s6 begging ,or attention7



She looks u$ and )inks7 Her hand )ra$s about my erection6 moving u$ and do)n7 - tuck her hair behind

her ears6 my ,ingerti$s caressing her cheek7 Her tongue snakes out6 touching the ti$ o, my dick7

- have to lean against the glass )hen she takes me ,ully in her mouth7 Her hands grab my thighs6 hernails digging into my skin7 - )ant to close my eyes and en9oy the moment6 but - can4t sto$ )atching her7 -

)ant to burn this moment into my memory ,orever7

My hi$s move at her instruction7 - glance do)n in time to see her looking u$ at me7 She4s so incredibly

se#y7 - can4t stand not being buried inside her7 - $ull her u$ ,rom the sho)er ,loor7 She releases my dick

,rom her mouth )ith a smirk7 - turn her around6 $ushing her tits into the glass7 - )ish - had a camera on

the other side so - could take a $hotogra$h o, )hat she looks like7 -4d stare at it all day kno)ing she )as

)aiting ,or me at home7 - thrust into her6 $ulling her hair as - do7 The )ay she screams6 the )ay my

name rolls o,, her tongue s$urs me to go ,aster7

Our skin sla$s together7 The glass s8ueaks every time - slam into her7 - can4t seem to get enough o, her7

This is something di,,erent than )hen - )as )ith 5helsea7 This is so much better7

- grab her hi$s6 slamming them into me over and over7 She slides do)n the glass6 bending at the )aist to

give me a better angle7 She cries out and - kno) she4s close7 -4m beginning to learn ho) - can )ork her

body7 -t sings to me and -4m listening loud and clear7

.Oh6 &immy7/ - can barely hear her over the )ater6 but - kno) )hat she )ants7 - reach around6 brushing

her already s)ollen clit )ith my thumb7 .Oh6 God6/ she says as her body goes rigid around my dick7 -

thrust ,aster6 dee$er6 until she4s milking everything out o, me7

- $ull her body ,lush )ith mine and stand us under the luke)arm )ater7 3e4re breathing heavily7 - hold

her )ith one arm under our child6 the other bet)een her boobs )ith my hand holding her ,ace7 - kiss hercheek6 her ear and nu**le her )et hair7

.My God6 &enna6 )hat did you do to me< - came in here to take a sho)er )ith you so - could be close to

you7 - )ant to learn every inch o, your body7 - need to kno) )hat turns you on7 - need to kno) all o,

you7 3ill you let me</

She nods against my shoulder and that4s all - need7 She4s )illing to let me kno) her more than 9ust

$hysically7 Maybe that4s )hat - need ,or her to ,inally o$en u$ to me and let me in7

.(O you )ant a boy or girl</ - ask7 My hand rests on her stomach )hile she ,eeds me some gra$es7

3e4ve managed to move ,rom the sho)er to the bed7 The day is a lost cause since a thunderstorm has

rolled in7 !o) )e4re lying here getting to kno) each other6 )hile listening to the rain,all outside7

.- don4t kno)7 - really 9ust )ant a healthy baby6 but either one has $erks7 3ith a little girl - can dress her

in $ink )ith bo)s in her hair6 but )ith a little boy - can give him a Moha)k7/

.So he takes a,ter his daddy</ - try to hide my smile6 but - can4t7 She reaches out and sla$s me6 making

me laugh7 -t4s the ,irst time she4s mentioned something about me that she likes6 other than my knob7

.%es6 9ust like yours7/ She hides her ,ace ,rom me and - hate it7

.(on4t do that6 &enna7/



.(o )hat</

- hover over her6 giving her no choice but to look at me7 .(on4t hide ,rom me7 3e4re married and -4m

your husband7 - )ant to be your husband7 There4s no right or )rong ans)er )hen - ask you a 8uestionand - )ant you to ask the same o, me in return7 - )ant you to kno) me6 &enna7 - told you that the other

night7 - )ant to be married to you7 %es6 )e4re here because o, )hat )e4ve created6 but that shouldn4t

matter7/ - move and sit ne#t to her6 taking her hand in mine7

.- )as married ,or three years7 - )as in love and couldn4t )ait to start my li,e )ith (amien7 Shortly a,ter

our )edding )e )ere ,ooling around and - accidently hit him in hisA )ell you kno) and he backhanded

me7 3e )ere both shocked7 3e both cried7 He $romised never to do it again and - believed him7 3hen

it ha$$ened again6 he said it )as an accident7 But it started ha$$ening more and more and the littlest

things )ould set him o,,7 He4d come home )ith a $regnancy test and )hen it )ould sho) that )e

)eren4t $regnant6 he4d hit me7 Everything )as my ,ault7 - did everything - could to not get $regnant6 and

then - slee$ )ith you and bam -4m $regnant and -4m ha$$y7 -4m so ha$$y that -4m having this baby7

.-4m ha$$y that you )ant to be a $art o, the baby4s li,e6 &immy6 - am7 -4m 9ust scared and con,used7

-4m scared to o$en u$ and ,ind that you don4t )ant me7 -4m scared that one day6 you4ll )alk out and not

return because you4ll reali*e that -4m not )hat you )ant7 Everything here seems $er,ect6 but )hat about

)hen )e are out there in the real )orld< -s this ring enough to kee$ you loyal< Because i, it4s not6 tell

me no) and )e can $art and -4ll be okay7/

.-4m not leaving6 &enna7 - meant every )ord )hen - said my vo)s7 -4m taking this seriously7/ - say to her6

ho$ing she4ll hear my )ords7 - don4t kno) )hat else - can do to convince her7

.%ou don4t love me7/

h bollocks6 she4s got me there7 - have to look a)ay because - don4t )ant her to see the $ain that her

)ords cause me7 The ,act that she said it hits me )ith such im$act7 - $ick u$ her hand6 kiss her )edding

ring and roll our bodies so that )e4re ,acing each other7

.- )ant to ,all in love )ith you6 S)eet Li$s7 Since the night o, Liam and &osie4s )edding6 -4ve been trying

my hardest to make sure that -4m in the same room as you6 or that - can have any e#cuse to talk to you7 -

came to Beaumont early because - missed you6 but - couldn4t tell anyone that7 - need you and - love the

,act that you4re my )i,e7 - don4t )ant that to change7/ - lean over and $lace my li$s to hers7 Her hand

comes u$ and tangles in my hair7 She holds me to her and - )ant to tell her that -4m not going any)here7

.&ust so you kno)6 )hen )e get back to Beaumont6 -4ll be slee$ing in your bed7/

.-t4s a 8ueen@si*e bed6 ya kno)7/

.Good7 That means you )on4t be able to get a)ay ,rom me in the middle o, the night7 - like holding you

in my arms6 but )hen - )oke u$ this morning you )ere on the other side7 That4s too ,ar a)ay ,rom me7/

.- do like it )hen you hold me7/

That makes me smile7 .Then come here6 S)eet Li$s7/ She snuggles into my arms6 her head resting on my

chest7 Her ,ingers dance along my $ecs6 dra)ing circles and lines over the ridges ,rom my muscles7 -

)ant to make her ha$$y7 - )ant her to acce$t me ,or me and not the $erson media $ortrays me to be6



although it4s $retty damn accurate7 - can change that7 - )ill change that image7 -4ll be the man she needs

me to be6 even i, it kills me7 The ,irst thing - need to do is to 8uit smoking7 - think this tri$ has been good

,or me in that )ay too7

&-MM% slee$s soundly ne#t to me )ith his arm lying $rotectively over my ever@gro)ing belly7 The sun is 9ust $eeking through my )indo) and the only thing missing is the sound o, birds chir$ing7 -t4s the

,airytale $art o, this )hirl)ind adventure that -4ll never see6 but maybe secretly ho$e ,or7 - hold u$ my

le,t hand so the sun can hit my ring 9ust right7 The light dances6 creating a $rism o, colors and sha$es on

my ceiling7 - used to do this )hen - )as a child6 $laying )ith my ,ather4s )atch )hile my mother )ashed

dishes7 -4d giggle each time she4d bat a)ay the light acting as i, it )as some bug bothering her7 - ho$e to

create those moments )ith my child7

3e4ve been home barely t)elve hours6 coming straight to myA our a$artment ,rom the air$ort7 3e

both ,ell6 albeit )ithout grace and tact6 into bed once )e )alked in the door7 Honestly6 - didn4t e#$ect

&immy to stay7 - thought the e#cuses )ould start tumbling out o, his mouth the minute the ta#i $ulled u$

in ,ront o, my building7 But he didn4t7 He stayed7 He asked )hat side o, the bed )as his and undressed in,ront o, me7 3e $ulled back the com,orter together6 turned o,, the bedside lights at the same time and

burro)ed dee$ ne#t to each other7 He held my hands in his6 his thumb roaming over the to$ o, my ring

until my eyes closed7 - ,elt his li$s $ress against my ,orehead 9ust as - )as dri,ting o,,7

nd - don4t kno) )hat to think about all o, this7 -t seems to be too much too ,ast7 - kno) he4s not in love

)ith me6 nor am - )ith him7 But a small $art o, me )ants us to be even though - kno) it4ll never ha$$en7

Someone like &immy can never love someone like me7

&immy $ulls me closer6 he4s )aking u$7 Even though it4s only been t)o )eeks o, sharing a bed and each

other4s bodies6 - kno) him7 - kno) )hat each look means7 - kno) )hen he )ants to be )ith me7 - kno)

)hen he4s tired6 hungry and even )hen he )ants to be le,t alone7 - kno) most o, his e#$ressions e#ce$t

,or one and that one lingers in the back o, mind7 -s he hiding something< - can4t ,igure that out yet and it

kills me7 =art o, me )ants to hate that - kno) all o, this about him and the other $art6 the $art that -

shouldn4t listen to6 )ants to hold him in my arms and never let him go7 That $art )ants to build a li,e6 a

home and ,amily )ith him and trust that everything is going to be okay7 Sadly6 )e4re back in the real

)orld and my heart aches kno)ing that my ,antasy is short lived7 He has a li,e in 5ali,ornia and he4ll be

returning there6 and as much as - ho$e it4s to 9ust $ack his clothes and return6 - ,eel other)ise7 3hat i,

-4m not enough to kee$ him interested< -4m going to get ,at6 bitchy and hormonal7 He4s &immy7 His

re$utation is less than stellar7 The stories ,rom Liam and &osie are enough to )rite a novel7 He4s young

and $robably doesn4t reali*e the mistake )e4ve made by getting married7



Or the mistake -4ve made by giving him my body re$eatedly7

My ,ingers move back and ,orth along his arm7 The action seems natural6 like it4s something that - should

be doing even i, -4m thinking my marriage is going to ,all a$art at a moment4s notice7 &immy4s li$s $ressagainst my tem$le6 my cheek and then the side o, my li$s be,ore he snuggles into the crook o, my neck7

-, he acts like this6 then )hy isn4t it enough ,or me to acce$t that he4s here ,or all the right reasons< His

hand s$reads out on my bum$6 his ,ingers start to ta$ along my skin7 -4m curious as to )hat song he4s

$laying6 but am tongue@tied and not able to ask7 -t4s stu$id7 -4m stu$id7 My ,eelings are stu$id and -4m

starting to hate that every image - have o, &immy is tainted even though he hasn4t given me a reason to

,eel this )ay7 But my headA it4s telling me to run and run ,ast7

- close my eyes and mentally run through everything that has to be done today7 First6 ,ind my $arents

and share the good ne)s )ith them7 - can4t believe - let &immy take me a)ay ,or t)o )eeks and didn4t

once call and check in7 - kno) -4m an adult6 but under the circumstances6 -4m sure my $arents are

)orried7 They don4t kno) &immy like - do and they4re here to see me6 to make sure everything is okayand - 9ust u$$ed and le,t7 3hat kind o, daughter does that make me< t some $oint )e need to share

the ne)s )ith our ,riends7 They4ll be ha$$y6 right< O, course they )ill6 they4re our ,riends and &immy

and - are having a baby7 Everyone )ill be ha$$y7

- need to sto$ thinking so negatively7 -4m having a baby and - thought - )as going to have to do this

alone6 but no) that4s not the case7 He4s here6 by my side6 and that4s going to have to be enough ,or

no)7

.3hat4s going on in that $retty little head o, yours6 S)eet Li$s</ &immy kisses my neck6 moving to)ard

my ear7 He $ulls me closer as i, he thinks -4m going some)here7 -, he only kne) that4s the ,ear - carry

)ith me )here he4s concerned7

.Li,e6/ - say )ith a shrug7

&immy rises u$ on his elbo) and moves my hair a)ay ,rom my ,ace7 He leans ,or)ard and kisses my

nose7 He $ulls back slo)ly6 his hand trailing do)n my side7 .(on4t ,ro)n6 beauti,ul7 - love your smile and

you should be ha$$y7/

.3hy4s that6 &immy</

&immy moves over the to$ o, me7 He leans on his arms6 kee$ing his )eight o,, o, me7 - ,ight the urge to

$ull him do)n on to$ o, me6 to ,eel him against me7

.3i,ey6 - never )ant to see you sad7 -t4s my 9ob to make you ha$$y and i, -4m not doing my 9ob then -need to kick my o)n arse7 !o) tell me6 )hat4s )ith the ,ro)n</ - ,ight the urge to shrug and roll my

eyes7 He4s trying and - o)e it to him to try as )ell7 - take a dee$ breath and look him in his eyes7 .- ,eel

like cra$ ,or being gone ,or t)o )eeks )hile my $arents are hereA or )ere7 For all - kno) they4ve le,t

because - disa$$eared7 - should4ve called and checked in or something7/

He moves to my side6 but kee$s his leg in bet)een mine7 His hand rests6 again6 on my stomach7

He4s doing everything -4ve al)ays )anted my husband to do6 everything - imagined7 The caring caress6

the eagerness to touch and ,eel his child7 -t4s )hat - )ant so )hy do - continue to have doubts<



.%ou )ere on your honeymoon7 - think you4re mum and dad )ill ,orgive you7/ - shake my head7 .They

didn4t kno) - )as getting married6 &immy7 Heck6 - didn4t even kno)7 - should4ve called them7/

.So )hy didn4t you< %ou had your $hone and there )as a $hone in the room7 %ou could4ve called andtold them6 but you didn4t7 re you embarrassed about me</

His 8uestion takes me by sur$rise7 - shake my head6 vigorously7 .3hy )ould you ask such a 8uestion6

&immy</

This time he4s the one shrugging7 .-, you4re )orried about your $arents6 you could4ve called them6 but

you didn4t7 -, you4re regretting getting married6 9ust tell me7 -4m a big boy6 - can handle it6 but you should

kno) that -4ll be here ,or you and the baby7/ He kisses me 8uickly be,ore e#tracting himsel,6 leaving me

)ith )ords caught in my throat7

HE4S s)eet7 He4s caring7 He4s good looking7 He4s se#y7 He4s my husband and -4m about to introduce him

as such to my $arents and best ,riend7 My eyes are riveted on him as he )alks in ,ront o, my car7

The 9eans he4s )earing accentuate his ass and - giggle at mysel, ,or even staring7 But - can stare and

touch because he4s allo)ed me ,ree reign over his body6 as -4ve allo)ed him7 - shouldn4t ,eel nervous

about )hat )e4re about to do7 3e4re adults and )e4re $regnant7 3e4re being res$onsible6 albeit sudden

and rash7

&immy o$ens the car door and holds out his hand6 )aiting ,or me to $lace mine in his7 3hen - do6 he

tugs lightly6 encouraging me to get out o, the car7 - take my $lace beside him and )e )alk hand in hand

to &osie and Liam4s house7 3e don4t knock6 no one does7 3hen )e ste$ in6 laughter rings out ,rom the

living room7

3e ste$ into the living room6 our hands linked together7 &immy4s ,inger moves over my rings6 s8uee*ing

my hand at the same time7 -, he4s nervous6 he4s doesn4t look it7 He clears his throat6 loudly6 causing

everyone to turn and look7 - smile6 but it ,eels )eak7

.%ou4re back and you4reA holding hands</ &osie is the ,irst one to s$eak7 Her eyes scan over us6 ,ull o,

8uestions7

.&enna6 )hat4s going on</ my dad asks7 - s)allo) hard and look at &immy7 He4s looking at me7 His eyes

s$arkle )ith e#citement7 - look back at my $arents6 &osie and Liam6 and take a dee$ breath7

.3e got married7/ &immy raises our hands in the air in trium$h6 like )e 9ust )on some a)ard7 My mom

gas$s and &osie4s mouth dro$s o$en7 - think )e4ve given ne) meaning to e#$ect the une#$ected47 >ight

no)6 - think everyone in the room is shocked7

.%ou did )hat</ - e#$ect this 8uestion ,rom my dad6 but not Liam7 He $ushes $ast my dad and stands

be,ore us7 The sleeves o, his black t@shirt are rolled over his bice$s sho)ing his $hysi8ue7

.3hat the ,uck did you say</

.&enna and - got married7/ &immy says6 con,idently7

.3hy</ Liam looks con,used and - try not to let that hurt7 (oes he think -4m not good enough ,or &immy<



&immy looks at me7 - can ,eel his ga*e $enetrating me7 He4s )aiting ,or me to look at him and give him

the okay7 - nod6 barely6 but enough ,or him to kno) it4s time7

.She4s $regn–.

.3e kno) she4s $regnant7 That doesn4t mean you run o,, and get married7/

.Liam/ &osie says his name loudly7 He turns and looks at her be,ore turning back to us7 - kno) he )ants

to $rotect his ,riend6 but it4s not like -4m a,ter his money or anything7

.%ou didn4t let me ,inish6 Liam7 &enna4s $regnant )ith my baby7/ Liam4s ,ace turns red as he looks ,rom

&immy to me7 There are t)o gas$s that - assume come ,rom my mom and &osie and a string o, e#$letives

,rom my ,ather7 But ,or some reason6 the look on Liam4s ,ace is )hat does me in7

.re you ,ucking kidding me6 &(< %ou can4t go around claiming her baby because you4re bored7

This is a li,e )e4re talking about7 nd no) you4re married< Ho) long until you cheat</ - 9um$ )hen Liam

says cheat7 &immy4s not going to do that to me7 That4s )hat - kee$ telling mysel,7

.-4m not bored6 Liam7 -4m taking res$onsibility7 &enna and - made this baby together on the night o, your

)edding6 and -4ll be there by her side )hen she brings our child into this )orld7/

.3hat4s this about cheating</ my dad asks as he ste$s ,or)ard7 - ,eel like -4m about t)o ,eet tall and

invisible right no)7

.Oh6 &( here has a hankering ,or )omen and lots o, them7/

.Liam6 that4s not ,air7/ &osie adds7 - )ant to say she4s right6 but - kno) the truth7 &immy4s a dirty dog6

that4s )hat she called him the night o, her bachelorette $arty7

.- )on4t cheat6 Mr7 Hardy7 &enna means too much to me and - )on4t hurt her7 -4m a married man and -4m

about to become a dad7 This is )hat - )ant7/

&immy leans ,or)ard and kisses me ,ull on my li$s7 He smiles )hen he $ulls back and - can4t hel$ but

smile too7

.- can4t ,ucking believe you6 &(7/ Liam doesn4t )ait ,or a res$onse6 but $ushes &immy a)ay ,rom me and

out o, my sight7 My dad ,ollo)s6 leaving me )ith &osie and my mom7 T)o sets o, arms encase me as -

,ight tears that - didn4t kno) - had coming7



- )alk do)n the $ath o, the unkno)n7 "nkno)n because most o, our business .meetings/ take $lace

do)nstairs in the studio6 but not today7 Liam $ushes me again6 literally shoving me as i, -4m )alking into

a torture chamber7 Maybe - am7 Maybe -4m being du$ed and -4m not the baby daddy and she4s been

tricking me7 - )ant to $unch mysel, in the head6 re$eatedly6 ,or even thinking that7 There4s no )ay she4s

lying about us7 She doesn4t need to7 - remember the night vividly6 like it ha$$ened yesterday7 -t4s been

on my mind constantly because ,or the ,irst time in years my body craves her7 -t cries out ,or her7 She4s

my )ater a,ter a long night on stage and the more - drink6 the more - need7

- ste$ outside into the back garden7 - don4t kno) )hy Liam doesn4t use this s$ace more7 He should7

-t4s great ,or entertaining7 - can see &enna and - in a $lace like this )ith our little one $laying in a sandbo#

or something e8ually as cheesy7 - )ant to give this baby everything that - didn4t have )hen - )as

gro)ing u$7 - kno) - have to start )ith me ,irst7 - need to get some shit straightened out in Los ngeles

be,ore - can be the best husband - can be to &enna7 -t4s all cra$ - should4ve done be,ore6 but -4ve never

been one to $lan my li,e out7 S$ur o, the moment )orks best ,or me and )hile - )as thinking )ith myhead )hen - asked &enna to marry me? - also $retty much think )ith my dick and that gets me into

trouble7

Liam ste$s around me and o$ens the door to his garage7 - try not to sho) any ,ear6 but -4m $retty sure

it4s $ouring out o, my $ores7 &enna4s dad stands behind me7 He4s a big guy6 and could easily break my

sorry sel, in hal,6 but -4m ho$ing since his daughter is carrying my child he4ll take it easy on me7 3hat

sel,@res$ecting man )ants to leave his daughter husbandless and his grandchild ,atherless< - tentatively

look behind me and am met )ith an ice@cold glare7 - turn slo)ly back around and take a dee$ breath

be,ore ste$$ing over the imaginary line that is my doom7

The garage is un)elcoming and sterile7 Liam is incredibly anal about his truck and motorbike so - kno)

this room is treated like a sanctuary7 -, - )ere a gambling man6 -4d bet that you could eat o,, the ,loor i,

you ever ,elt the need to behave like a dog7 - have a ,eeling -4ll be eating in here a,ter today7 - ,ollo)

Liam as he climbs u$ a set o, )ooden stairs7 He ,licks on a s)itch6 lighting the rest o, my $ath7

&enna4s ,ather6 my no) ,ather@in@la)6 is muttering something incom$rehensible behind me7 -4m )illing

to bet my li,e savings that he4s $lotting )ays to cut o,, my dick so - can4t violate his daughter again7

3hen - get to the to$6 -4m suddenly taken back to high school )ith Liam6 even though )e didn4t attend

the same school or even kno) each other7 The )alls are covered )ith $osters o, him and &osie6 and him

and Datelyn4s ,ormer husband7 - )alk around the room6 looking at the memorabilia and it4s like a shrine7

-4m not about to ask )hy it4s all here because - kno) this is his history and i, - had )hat he did6 -4d ,ight

to kee$ it all too7 .3hat the ,uck6 &immy</ he doesn4t tell me to sit do)n or o,,er me anything to 8uenchmy dry throat6 not that - deserve it7 - look at my ,ather@in@la) and brie,ly see hurt s$read all over his

,ace7 - $lay &enna4s )ords ,rom this morning over in my mind? she6 no scratch that6 )e should4ve called

her $arents to tell them the good ne)s7 nd - su$$ose6 right no)6 good is a relative term7

My ans)er doesn4t come 8uickly enough7 - stare bet)een the t)o men )ondering i, this is going to be a

good co$Ibad co$ situation7 -4ve been through this be,ore6 )ith 5helsea and her ,amily7 Her ,ather )as

never a,raid to tell her that -4m nothing but a )orthless $iece o, shit6 and her uncle tried to hel$ me get

a res$ectable 9ob7 -t didn4t matter ho) much money - made )ith the band6 it )as never good enough to

satis,y her ,ather7 - )as never good enough7



.3hat do you )ant me to say</ - ask6 and it4s clearly the )rong 8uestion7 &enna4s dad6 )hose name -

don4t even kno)6 $aces7 His hands are shoved dee$ly in his $ockets and as he )alks6 he mumbles to

himsel,6 shaking his head back and ,orth7

.Ho) much is it going to take<

.3hy )ould you be so stu$id to claim a child that isn4t yours</ Both 8uestions are ,ired at me at the

same time and it makes head s$in7 - alternate looking at both men6 each one clearly has a di,,erent

agenda and - kno) that - have to tackle the most im$ortant one7 - ste$ ,or)ard6 sto$$ing in his $ath and

o,,er my hand7

.-4m &immy (avis7 My ,riends call me &(6 but your daughter calls me &immy and - kno) - should4ve asked

you ,or her hand in marriage6 but - tend to get carried a)ay and act be,ore - think and a$$arently - talk a

lot )hen -4m nervous6 but it4s nice to meet you7/ Liam doesn4t hide the ,act that he4s laughing at me7 -4m

s)eating bullets and my best mate is in the corner $issing himsel, laughing at me like this is some ty$e

o, hilarious 9oke7 &enna4s dad is bloody huge and -4m a nervous )reck because he could $robably kill me

)ith his bare hands7 -ronically6 - didn4t care )hat 5helsea4s $arents thought o, me6 but - do care )hat

this man thinks o, me because -4m going to kno) him ,or a long time7

- dro$ my hand )hen he doesn4t o,,er his back7 - look a)ay6 not )anting to sho) him the hurt

e#$ression on my ,ace7 -, - have to s$end the ne#t ho)ever many years buttering u$ this man6 -4ll do it

because it )ill make my )i,e ha$$y7 Her mother - can $robably )in over )ith my charm6 but - doubt this

burly man gives t)o shits about me7

.Ho) much )ill take ,or you to go a)ay6 to annul this sham o, a marriage</ - ste$ back at his re8uest6

stunned7 This marriage isn4t a sham7 3e4re having a baby and -4m doing the best thing ,or &enna and me7

- never )anted children6 at least not right no)6 but kno)ing that she4s having my baby – it does thingsto me – and - )ant to be )ith her7 She4s ,ucking se#y as hell and my body craves her7 !ot being )ith her

isn4t an o$tion ,or me7

.Mr Hardy6 yes6 - kno) that4s my ,ault ,or going about this the )rong )ay and shit6 but -4ll make it u$ to

you7 Either )ay6 - don4t )ant your money7 &enna and - are having a baby6 )e4re married and -4m not

going any)here7/ - stand my ground6 )hatever that4s )orth7 He can take his money and buy o,, the

$olice or a 9udge to kee$ &enna sa,e ,rom her e#6 but -4m not going any)here7

.(on4t you think you should kno) the names o, your )i,e4s $arents</ - nod because he4s right6 but to be

honest &enna and - didn4t talk about her $arents7 3e talked about us and my reassurance that )e did

the right thing7 .3ith all due res$ect6 -4ve kno)n your daughter ,or some time no) and she4s nevermentioned you7/

This revelation makes him take a ste$ back this time7 He cocks his head to one side and $ulls out his

che8ue@book7 - shake my head7 -4m going to stand my ground that4s ,or sure7 He )alks over to the table

and o$ens it7 - ste$ ,or)ard6 looking over his shoulder7

.Mr Hardy6/ - say )ith conviction7 .=lease be a)are that - )on4t acce$t your money7 - don4t think your

daughter or your grandchild )ill a$$reciate you trying to buy me o,, and out o, their lives7/ - turn to

Liam6 not ,or hel$6 but ,or understanding7 He4s stone ,aced and looks caught o,, guard7



.s ,or your 8uestion6 Liam6 and as - stated earlier6 -4m the ,ather7 -4m not claiming a child that isn4t

mine6 but one that is solely mine7 &enna and - got together the night o, your )edding7 She )asn4t going

to tell me but you did6 and )hen - sa) her that night6 - $ut t)o and t)o together and took her to Bora

Bora )ith the intention o, marrying her7/

Liam shakes his head and $inches the bridge o, nose7 -4m dying to kno) )hat4s going through his mind6

but -4m too chicken to ask7

- turn a)ay ,rom both men6 leaving them to make their o)n assum$tions about me7

.Sto$6/ Liam says6 halting me in my tracks7 .%ou can4t $ay him o,,7/

.E#cuse me</ Mr Hardy re$lies7 He ste$s ,or)ard and i, - )asn4t )atching him like a ha)k - )ouldn4t

believe my eyes6 but he literally $u,,s his chest out at Liam7

.- said you can4t $ay him o,,7/

.nd )hy4s that< 5learly you have an issue )ith him marrying &enna7 This seems to be the easiest )ay to

make it all go a)ay7/

Liam moves closer to me and maybe )e4re sho)ing some kind o, solitary ,ront6 although it4s more likely

that he 9ust )ants to be to the one to kick my arse7

.-4ve kno)n &( ,or a long time and the one thing - kno) ,or certain is that )hen he does something6 he

does so )hole@heartedly7 The other thing - kno) is that your daughter is $regnant and &( is the ,ather

and i, you think -4m going to stand here and let you $ay him o,, so that your grandchild gro)s u$

)ithout his or her ,ather6 you4ve got another thing coming7 -, you )ant to )rite them a congratulatory

check6 -4m sure they4ll take it7 -, not6 $ut your checkbook a)ay and $at him on the back ,or taking care o,your daughter7 - )ish someone )ould4ve told me my girl )as $regnant because - missed ten years )ith

my son7 -4m not going to let &( miss one minute7/ Liam looks at me and - nod back at him7 -t4s a silent

thank you because right no) my throat has closed u$ and - can4t s$eak7 -4ll never ,orget his )ords and

there4s a great big chance -4ll never be able to tell him ho) grate,ul - am ,or )hat he said7

.nd i, he scre)s u$</ Mr Hardy asks7

.- )on4t7 Look6 Mr Hardy6 - can4t e#$lain it6 but since -4ve kno)n &enna - al)ays ,eel good )hen -4m

around her7 3hen - ,ound out she )as $regnant - kne) the baby )as mine7 - )onJt sugar@coat anything

and tell you )e conceived the bub out o, love6 it )as a one@night stand6 but -4m here and -4m not going

any)here7/

Mr Hardy ste$s ,or)ard6 $lacing one hand on my shoulder and taking my hand in his ,ree one7

.She4s my baby7 Someday you4ll understand )hat that means7 Someday you4ll do something stu$id like

o,,er money to make )hat you think is a $roblem6 go a)ay7 %ou4ll also be man enough to a$ologi*e7 -4m

sorry and - ho$e to hell you4re the right man ,or &enna because the last one )as not and -4ll never ,orgive

mysel, ,or giving her to him7 He hurt my baby7/

.That is something6 - can $romise6 -4ll never do7/

- kissed my )i,e long and hard be,ore leaving her on the concourse at the air$ort7 Leaving &enna )as

hard but her mother6 ngela6 said she4d take care o, her7 ,ter my run@in )ith her ,ather6 )hich -4m



kee$ing to mysel,6 &enna and - took her mum to dinner and e#$lained )hy )e did )hat )e did7 Her mum

cried6 but $romised me she4d be okay as long as &enna )as ha$$y7 -4m trying to convince mysel, that

&enna is ha$$y6 but she4s hard to read7 - kno) she4s s$ent years hiding inside hersel,6 but she doesn4t

need to do that anymore7 !ot )ith me7

- shouldn4t be leaving6 but - have un,inished business to take care o, in Los ngeles7 That business being

5helsea7 She4s been sending me non@sto$ te#t messages since - got back in Beaumont and even though

-4ve ignored her6 - can4t continue to do so7 She4s a loose cannon at times and the last thing - need is ,or

&enna to see her te#ts7 - don4t even kno) )hy - ,eel the need to tell 5helsea7 - shouldn4t6 but - also

shouldn4t have sle$t )ith her the last time - )as home7 That )as my mistake and - kno) that she4s going

to )ant more no)7 -4d been able to avoid her ,or three years6 but all it took )as one lonely night6 a )eak

)ill and a te#t ,rom her and - )as back in her bed6 ,ull o, regret7

- $ull my hand luggage behind me and the closer - get to my a$artment block6 the more an#ious -

become7 - don4t )ant to be here7 - )ant to be back )ith &enna6 making her ,lat ours7 - need to ,eel heraround me6 have her in my arms )here - ,eel content and she4s sa,e7 This tri$ has to be short6 in and out6

9ust enough time to tell 5helsea that - can4t see her anymore and to $ack all o, my cra$7 - never thought

-4d move to Beaumont6 but )ith my )i,e there6 carrying our baby6 it4s )here - need to be7 -t4s )here -

)ant to be7 - also need to call my mum and dad and tell them everything6 es$ecially my mum7

- )ant her to meet &enna6 and maybe stay in to)n ,or a )hile and be there )hen the baby is born7 -

don4t )ant her to miss out on anything because o, )here - live7

Music )a,ts through the hall7 0112 3est is being $layed and )hile my neighbours kno) )ho - am6 -

can4t say many o, them are ,ans7 By the time -4m t)o doors do)n ,rom my o)n6 - kno) the music is

coming ,rom inside7 - try to think back to be,ore - le,t did - set a timer on my stereo< !o6 - didn4t7 -

sto$ in ,ront o, my door and don4t even bother to ,ish out my key7 - kno) she4s in there7 - can smell her

$er,ume out here7 - turn the knob hesitantly and o$en the door7

- don4t kno) )hat - e#$ected to ,ind6 but it isn4t this7 5helsea is dancing around my lounge7 There are

bo#es $iled along the )all and her ugly art)ork is hanging behind my so,a7

.3hat the ,uck is going on</ - say loudly over the music7 She sto$s and turns7 Her hands immediately go

to her hair6 making sure it4s $resentable7 God ,orbid a single hair is out o, $lace )hen someone is staring

at her7 &enna )as make@u$ ,ree ,or t)o )eeks e#ce$t )hen )e )ent out to dinner and there are not

enough )ords in my vocabulary to describe ho) gorgeous she looked7 But the one standing be,ore me

in barely@there shorts )ith bleach blonde hair and a ,ake tan really doesn4t do it ,or me anymore7

.%ou4re home7/

.%eah6 that usually ha$$ens every ,e) )eeks7 3hat are you doing here</ - ask6 as - close the door

behind me7

5helsea looks around the room nervously7 (id she really think - )ouldn4t notice all her cra$ in my ,lat< .-

sort o, moved in7/

.So - see7 3hy the ,ucking hell )ould you do that</

.&immyA /



.(on4t .&immy/ me7 3e aren4t together 5helsea and - have no intention o, getting back together )ith

you7/ - $ut my hand in my $ocket and ,eel around ,or my ring7 - hate the ,act that - took it o,,6 but the

last thing - )ant is ,or the $a$s to see it and start digging around6 looking ,or &enna7 She needs to be

stress ,ree6 )ell as much as she can be )hen she4s married to me7

.3ell - thought you4d change your mind a,ter - shared some ne)s )ith you7/

.- doubt it6/ - say6 moving a)ay ,rom the door7 - lean against the )all )hich se$arates the kitchen ,rom

the rest o, my living s$ace7 My ,ingers $lay )ith my )edding band6 )ishing she4d leave so - could $ut it

on and call my )i,e7

.-4m $regnant6 &immy6 and it4s yours7/

%ou kno) that moment )hen your heart and stomach ,all to the ,loor and you ,eel all em$ty inside<

%eah6 -4m having that moment7

O!L% a,ter - dro$ my mom o,, at Liam4s do - let a ,e) tears ,all do)n my ,ace7 - didn4t think -4d care that&immy )ent back to L )ithout me6 but - do7 The nagging voice in the back o, my head )on4t sto$ yelling

at me that something4s )rong7 3hy didn4t he take me )ith him and )hy didn4t - insist on going<

Because -4m not sure this marriage )ill )ork6 that4s )hy7 Tabloid images o, him )ith various )omen are

at the ,ore,ront o, my mind7 3e don4t kno) each other and yet here )e are6 married and having a baby7

There are so many reasons )hy - don4t )ant his identity to be kno)n and this is one o, them7 He4s

,amous6 -4m not7 !o one )ill ever take my child seriously and he or she )ill al)ays be considered a

$roduct o, a one@night stand7 - never thought drastic measures )ould have to be taken6 such as

marriage6 but they have and he kno)s -4m $o)erless to say no to him7 &ust like that night7 - )anted him

and ,or the ,irst time in years - )as ready and )illing to give mysel, to another man7 - kne) he )ouldn4t

hurt me6 not the )ay (amien had7 - )anted the $leasure - kne) he could bring and he ,ul,illed my

,antasy7 He did so )illingly )ithout even kno)ing he e#isted in my thoughts7 That4s ho) )e should4ve

le,t it7

Things should not be this )ay7 - should not be driving back to my a$artment )ondering )hat my

husband is doing7 3ondering )hether or not he4s going to call me )hen his $lane lands or )hen he4s

about to go to slee$7 - shouldn4t care i, he4s thinking about me because honestly6 he4s only married to

me because o, the baby7 He doesn4t love me and - don4t )ant to love him7 t least that4s )hat -4m telling

mysel,6 but those ,eelings don4t hold true7 The )ay he makes love to me and touches me6 the )ay he

holds me in his arms – like he4s a,raid -4m going to disa$$ear – -4ve never had that be,ore7



3ith (amien6 everything )as automatic7 3e met6 dated6 ,ell in love7 Marriage )as the ne#t ste$ in the

e8uation7 t night6 )e )ent to our sides o, the bed6 cra)led in together and made love because that

)as )hat )e )ere $rogrammed to do7 (amien only held me a,ter he hit me6 never a,ter se# or be,ore

and de,initely not )hile he )as slee$ing7

But )ith &immy6 everything is di,,erent7

Each caress is done )ith ,eeling7 Each kiss is done )ith the intent to sho) me that he4s real6 that )e4re

real7 These ,eelings building u$ inside o, me are about to e#$lode and - think he kno)s that7 - think he4s

)aiting7 - can4t give him )hat he )ants though7 - can4t go through the hurt or the $ain7 -4ve been there

and - have a ,eeling he has too6 because a ,e) times he4s acted like our bubble is going to burst at any

moment and everything )ill come crashing do)n around us7 He4s holding on ,or dear li,e and as much as

- )ant to hold on )ith him6 -4m a,raid7

-4m a,raid o, )hat Los ngeles holds ,or him and - shouldn4t be7 - need to stand tall and not )orry about

)hat he4s doing there because - kno) in my heart he4s doing )hat - think he is7 -, - don4t admit it6 i, -

don4t see it6 it doesn4t ha$$en and )e can $retend that this ha$$y union is $er,ect and nothing can tear

us a$art7 - need to be the trusting )i,e because he hasn4t given me any reason not to trust him7

%et7

- $ull into my designated $arking s$ot and reali*e that - shouldn4t be here7 -4m su$$osed to stay at

Liam4s6 but - need some time to mysel,7 -ronic6 since - 9ust returned ,rom a long vacation7 - sit and stare

out the )indo) o, my car7 3hen )e )ent to Liam4s today6 - handed &immy my keys out o, habit even

though )e4ve never had that routine7 3ith (amien6 he controlled everything7 !o6 - shouldn4t say that7 -n

the beginning6 things )ere very e8ual7 -t )as only a,ter )e )ere married that my li,e suddenly changed7

- kno) - only have minutes be,ore Liam comes barreling into this $arking lot to save the damsel in

distress7 -4m not his damsel to save though6 and the one )ho should be saving me )hen - need it is

hundreds o, miles a)ay )ithout a care in the )orld7 - look do)n at my $hone kno)ing he hasn4t te#ted6

but secretly ho$ing that - 9ust missed it7 My head moves ,or)ard on its o)n volition6 resting against the

steering )heel7 - need to sto$ getting )orked u$ over something - can4t control7 - kne) about &immy4s

re$utation )hen - said -4d marry him so i, anything6 it4s my o)n ,ault7

Sighing6 - get out o, the car and )alk some)hat 8uickly to the entrance o, my a$artment7 Even though

=aul said (amien isn4t around anymore6 - can sense him close by7 He may not be standing behind me6

but he4s )atching6 reminding me )hat he4s ca$able o,7 3hen - o$en the door to my a$artment building

the ,irst thing - notice is that the hall light is out7 !o biggie6 e#ce$t there4s someone sitting on the ste$s7This is )here my ,ight or ,light instinct should kick in6 but it doesn4t7 - sto$ and stare at the ,igure on the

ste$s6 letting my ,ears come to li,e7 - can4t look behind me because there4s no one there7 My nightmare

is staring right back at me7 Even )ith the tiniest o, light coming through the entrance )indo) - can make

out his ,eatures7

.3here ya been6 &enna</

The )ay he says my name used to make me so,t inside7 - used to )ant to hear his voice )hether on the

other end o, the tele$hone or )hen he4d )ake me so,tly in the mornings7 - close my eyes and count to



ten7 3hat are my o$tions< - have none because - )as too stubborn and stu$id and no) here - am ,ace@

to@,ace )ith my e#7

.- asked you a 8uestion7/ He doesn4t yell or even raise his voice7 He sounds broken7 His voice )avers and- hate that my heart res$onds to him7 -t beats 9ust a bit ,aster )anting to soothe his $ain7

Ho) can it not remember the $ain he caused me< Ho) can it not remember that it no) belongs to

another man<

- ad9ust my hand discreetly so he doesn4t see my rings7 - don4t )ant to set him o,, even though - kno)

it4s inevitable7 There4s a viciousness roiling under his skin and my neck $rickles in res$onse7 7 -t $ains me

that - can4t touch my belly and reassure my gro)ing baby that -4ll be okay because - )on4t be7 -4m going

to die on this ,loor6 in this dark hall)ay and no one )ill kno) )ho did it because according to =aul

Baker6 (amien Mahoney is no)here near Beaumont7

(amien stands6 )alking do)n the three ste$s that se$arate us7 - take a ste$ back6 adding more s$acebet)een us7

.%ou4re trembling6 s)eetheart7/ He reaches out6 his ,ingers touching my arm lightly and leaving icy trails

on my ,lesh7 .(on4t be a,raid o, me6 &enna7

.-4ve missed you7/ - nod6 $laying his game7 .- 9ust )ant to talk6 okay< 3e can even sit on these ste$s and

talk out in the o$en7/

Out in the o$en< Has he looked around< This isn4t o$en7 This is isolated and dark7 My chances that Mr7

D6 my landlord6 even kno)s )e4re standing out here are slim to none7 - could yell6 but his hearing aids

are $robably sitting on his dresser7 He4ll never hear me7

But - concede and nod6 allo)ing him to $ull me to the ste$s7 - try to )alk tightly against the )all6 but

he4s not having that7 He )ants me ne#t to him6 our bodies touching7

.>emember )hen )e met</

Even though - )ant to resist smiling6 - can4t7

.&enna6 do you see those guys over there</ - look6 coyly6 not )anting to dra) attention to my ga)king6

but yes - see them7 nna giggles and - can4t hel$ but smile )hen the one )ith bro)n hair )aves7

.Oh my God6 nna6 he )aved7/ - cover my mouth and s8ueal as 8uietly as - can7

.Oh6 cra$ bags6 they4re coming over7 3hich one do you )ant</

.The brunette6/ - say7 .(e,initely the brunette7 3ait do guys have brunette hair</

.%eah6 he4s hot6/ nna says6 adding a bit o, Southern t)ang7 The guys s)im over to our dock7 3hen they

climb u$ the ladder it4s like )atching one o, those stu$id gum commercials in slo) motion7 Only this

time it4s the girls staring at the guys6 not the other )ay around7

.Mind i, )e 9oin you</ the dark haired one says7 - glance at nna )ho is staring7 - $inch her leg to get her

attention7 She nods slo)ly6 her mouth hanging o$en7

The boy - have eyes ,or s8uats in ,ront o, me7 - can see the ri$$les in his abdomen7 bs7 He has abs7



He must be over t)enty already7 My $arents )ill ,reak i, they ,ind out7

.My name4s (amien Mahoney7/

.&enna Hardy6/ - say automatically7

.5are i, - sit</

- eagerly nod earning one o, the biggest smiles -4ve ever seen7

.(o you ladies come here o,ten</

.Every summer since - )as ,ive7/ - close my eyes6 and berate mysel, ,or being so stu$id7

.Ho) old are you</ he asks7

- look over at nna7 She and her ne),ound guy are lying on their sides talking to each other7 - )ish - had

the courage she has )hen it came to guys6 but they make me so nervous7

.Si#teen6/ - say6 8uietly7 .%ou</

.Eighteen7 3e 9ust graduated ,rom high school and are s$ending our summer here7/ (amien touches

me? my skin sets alights )ith a sensation -4ve never ,elt be,ore7 3e sit and talk6 occasionally diving into

the lake to cool o,,7 He holds me in the )ater6 my legs )ra$ around his hi$s7

Everything ,eels natural7

3hen the sun goes do)n he kisses me lightly on the li$s and -4m in love7

- can4t ,ight the smile and he kno)s it7 His shoulder bum$s into mine6 breaking my reverie7

.nna is $regnant7 She misses you7/

- don4t say anything7 -t4s best to not ackno)ledge those ,rom my $ast6 es$ecially the ones )ho kne)

about the abuse but did nothing to sto$ it7 Her husband Brad6 (amien4s best ,riend6 turned a blind eye7

.%ou need to come home6 &enna7 %ou4ve been gone ,ar too long and - miss you7/

.3e4re divorced6/ - mutter6 my voice breaking7

He shakes his head and sighs7 .3e can ,i# that7 %ou kno) you love me and you kno) that - love you7 -,

you come home6 - $romise -4ll never hurt you again7/

- sco,,7 .%ou hurt me the other night at the co,,ee sho$7/

.- )as nervous7/

- nod6 there4s al)ays an e#cuse7

.But -4m not nervous anymore7 -t4s sim$le really7 - )ant my )i,e back and -4ll do anything to get her back7

Her li,e is mine and her $lace is beside me7/ He leans over and kisses my cheek7 -4m rigid6 the ,ear setting

in7 .h6 - see - have some )ork to do6 so be it then7 -4ll be back to )in your heart7 -n the meantime6

remember that - o)n you7/



Be,ore - can res$ond he4s u$ and out the door7 My breathing becomes ragged7 My heart races and -

kno) - need to move6 but my legs are cemented to the ste$s7 My ringing $hone echo4s through the hall6

making me 9um$7

.Hello</ - say a,ter ,ishing it out o, my bag7

.S)eet Li$s</ his voice is 8uiet6 like he4s hiding7 - close my eyes and chide mysel, ,or thinking the )orst

already7

.Hi6/ - say6 attem$ting to clear my throat7

.3hat are you doing</

.!othing6/ - s)allo) and take a dee$ breath7 .&ust sto$$ing by the a$artment to get some stu,, be,ore

going back to Liam4s ,or the night7/

.re you missing me</

- roll my eyes and reali*e that - do miss him6 that - need him to hold me right no) because -4m shaking so

bad - can4t move7

.O, course7/

.Liar6/ he says7 .- 9ust )anted to call and say goodnight7 -4ll call you tomorro)7/

.ll right7/

.- loA tell my baby that - love her7/

.3hat i, it4s a boy</ - ask7

.-t4s not6 9ust tell her okay</

My heart sto$s ,or a moment7 - can4t comment on )hat he 9ust said because he hangs u$7 - re,use to

think he )as going to tell me loves me7 He doesn4t and likely never )ill7 So )hy does he have to say

something like that over the $hone and not me or the baby )hen )e4re together< 3hen he says stu,,

like that - )ant to believe his intentions are real7 -4m ha$$y that he loves the baby6 but sad that he4ll

never love me7 - kno) one thing4s ,or sure - need to kee$ mysel, ,rom ,alling in love )ith &immy (avis

because he4s nothing but $ure heartbreak )aiting to ha$$en7

- bang my $hone against my head7 - don4t kno) )hat $ossessed me to say that to &enna7 - can4t tell her

that - love her7 - don4t even kno) i, - do7 - do kno) that - )ish she )as here6 but -4m e8ually thank,ul that



she4s not7 - don4t ho) she )ould4ve handled 5helsea7 5hrist6 - don4t even kno) ho) -4m going to handle

5helsea7 - look out o, the )indo) over the night sky o, Los ngeles6 the bright lights and sound o, tra,,ic

bounce bet)een the buildings7 ,ter being in Beaumont and s$ending time in Bora Bora6 this concrete

9ungle is less than a$$ealing7 !o) - kno) )hy Harrison lives on the beach7

- bend over the railing6 )atching the cars belo) )hen the sliding glass door o$ens7 -4m really trying not

to think about 5helsea6 but she4s like a ,ucking ,lashing )arning light in my ,ace that )on4t turn o,,7 -4m

so ,ucked7 5helsea )ill e#$ect6 no she4ll demand6 that )e get married and that isn4t going to ha$$en7 -4m

ha$$y being married to &enna6 even i, it has been ,or 9ust t)o )eeks7

.3ho )ere you talking to</ her sickly s)eet voice makes my skin cra)l7

.!one o, your business6/ - re$ly6 but that doesn4t sto$ her7 Her hand ,inds my shoulder as she moves

closer to me7 -, - don4t touch her back6 it4s not cheating7 That4s )hat - tell mysel,7 - close my eyes and say

the )ords that need to kee$ me level headed7 - )on4t cheat on &enna6 over and over again7

.-t4s late &immy6 - don4t )ant to ,ight6 but you need to tell )hoever it )as that you )ere talking to that

you4re taken7/

- move a)ay ,rom her touch7 .-4m not yours to have6 5helsea7/

.3e4re having a baby7 - think that entitles me to some res$ect7/ - thro) my hands into my hair and $ull

at it7 - scream loudly7 3hy the ,ucking hell is this ha$$ening to me< - did the right ,ucking thing )hen -

,ound out about &enna6 so )hy the hell am - being $unished<

.Ho)4d you get into my ,lat</

She turns a)ay ,rom me and looks out over the city7 .(o you )ant a boy or girl</

.Hi6 mum7/ -4m e#cited to call my mum and tell her all about &enna7 - kno) she $robably )on4t

understand given )hat she thinks about marriage6 but -4m ho$ing that she4ll su$$ort my decision7

.&immy6 to )hat do - o)e the $leasure o, hearing my only son4s voice</

.h6 easy on the dramatics7 - call you all the time7/

.- kno) - 9ust miss you7 Ho) are you</

.=er,ect6/ - say7

.=er,ect< Ho) come</

.- got married7/

The long $ause at the other end o, the line is more than - bargained ,or7

.&immy6 $lease tell me you didn4t go to some egas drive@thru</

.!o6 mum6 )e got married on the beach in Bora Bora6 but that4s not all7/ The line goes 8uiet again6 so -

continue6 .3e4re going to have a baby7/

.Oh6 &immy6/ she says6 her voice breaking7



.Mum6 don4t )orry6 it4s a good thing7/

.Listen6 you don4t need to marry her because o, the baby6 you can )ork something out6 maybe even live

together and raise the baby7/

.Mum6 &enna is the one )oman that - can see mysel, ,alling in love )ith7 - didn4t marry her because she4s

having my bub6 - married her because she makes me ,eel )hole7/

.re you sure about this</

.-4ve never been surer about anything7 - can4t )ait ,or you to meet my )i,e7/

.Me neither6 &immy7 Be a good husband and ,ather7 That4s all - ask7/

.- don4t )ant anything )ith you7 3hy can4t you get that through your head</ - )ant to add that -4m

married and having a baby )ith a )oman )ho has more class in her little ,inger than 5helsea has6 but -

can4t7 - )ouldn4t $ut it $ast 5helsea to go to Beaumont and ,ind &enna and &enna de,initely doesn4t need

the likes o, 5helsea hanging around7

She turns6 her eyes shar$ and deadly7 .&ust )eeks ago )e )ere back together7/

.3e shagged6 there4s a di,,erence6 love7 !o di,,erent ,rom me shagging the bird do)n the street7 - )as

stu$id but - )ore a 9ohnny so maybe you should consider the ,act that it4s not mine7/

.%ou don4t believe that6/ she says6 reaching ,or my hand7 - recoil and move ,urther a)ay ,rom her7

.Ho)4d you get in here</ - re$eat

She shrugs7 .My uncle7/

.Fucking marvellous6 breaking in )hen -4m not around7 -4m outta here6/ - say6 )alking back into my no)

des$ised home7 -t $isses me o,, because - )anted to bring &enna here and ,uck her on every single

sur,ace7 She4d be the ,irst and last6 but that can4t ha$$en no)7 &enna can never come to Los ngeles7

.3here are you going</ - kno) she4s standing there )ith her hands on her hi$s7 - kno) her that )ell7

.gain6 it4s none o, your business7/ - say6 slamming the door behind me7 - head to)ards the stairs6 not

)anting to )ait ,or the li,t and give her a chance to ,ollo) me7 -4m so ,ucked7 That4s going to be my ne)

mantra7 Maybe i, - kee$ saying it -4ll )ake u$ ,rom this bloody nightmare and be in &enna4s arms7 That4s

)hat - should do? get the ne#t ,light back to Beaumont7 Say ,uck it and leave it to my dad sort out this

mess7 God only kno)s -4ve cleaned u$ enough o, his ,uckery6 it4s about time he4s cleaned u$ mine7

s soon as -4m in the garage6 -4m s$rinting to my 3rangler7 -4ve only driven it a ,e) times since - bought

it and -4ve missed it7 &enna needs a ne) car7 The banged u$ motor she drives no) )on4t su,,ice6

es$ecially )hen the baby comes along7 - don4t kno) ho) she4ll ,eel about me buying her a car? she4ll

$robably ,reak out7 &ust like she4ll do tomorro) )hen - call and tell her that -4ve added her to my bank

account7 - )as serious )hen - told her ,ather that -4m not going any)here6 even i, 5helsea is no) being a

thorn in my side and standing in my )ay7

- don4t kno) )here -4m going )hen - drive out o, the garage7 - shouldn4t have to run a)ay ,rom my

home6 but it4s easier than having to deal )ith her7 3hen )e )ere together nothing )as easy7 3e ,ought



constantly about her $arents and ho) they ,elt about me and it annoyed the cra$ out o, me that she

never took my side7 - don4t even )ant to imagine )hat4s going to come out o, her dad4s mouth )hen

she tells him that she4s $regnant and that -4m the ,ather7

m -<

- $ull over and bang my head against the steering )heel7 m - even the dad< 3ith &enna there4s no

doubt in my mind7 She )as trying to kee$ the identity a secret6 but - kne) instantly7 - could ,eel it in my

bones that she )as carrying my baby6 so )hy don4t - ,eel like that )ith 5helsea< !othing makes sense7

3e sle$t together once6 )eeks ago and to be honest - don4t remember coming because - )as thinking

about &enna the entire time and ho) - )anted to get back to Beaumont to see her7 - have to tell 5helsea

that -4m married6 that -4m taken and ha$$ily so6 but -4m scared shitless about )hat she4ll do no)7 -, she

really is $regnant and -4m the ,ather6 her cla)s )ill come out and that4s not something - really )ant to

sub9ect &enna to7

-4m so ,ucked even the sound o, 5helsea4s annoying laugh is constantly invading my thoughts7 - look u$

to see )ho the ,uck else laughs like that only to ,ind it is herA and my dad7

My dad<

5helsea and my ,ather stand on the $avement embracing like lovers7 His hand cu$s her arse as he $ulls

her closer to him7 Her arms cling tightly around his neck7 3hen he $ulls a)ay6 he $uts his hand on her

stomach be,ore grabbing her hand and )alking into the co,,ee sho$7

- think - 9ust vomited in my mouth7

-4m not the ,ather o, her ,ucking child6 my dad is7 - don4t kno) )hat4s )orse right no)7

- $ress do)n on the accelerator and maneuver back into the tra,,ic7 - need to get the ,uck out o, here7 -

need to get my arse back to Beaumont )here my )i,e is )aiting ,or me7

Be,ore - kno) it -4m in ,ront o, Harrison4s com$le#7 - drove ,or over an hour and - don4t even remember

ho) - got here7 - get out6 ho$ing that at least %vie4s at home and - can use the toilet and raid her ,ridge7 -

knock tentatively and )ait7 -t4ll be 9ust my luck that no one4s here and -4m going to have to take a leak in

the bushes7

The door s)ings o$en and -4m ,ace@to@,ace )ith one o, the best )omen - kno) – Mrs &ames6 as in

Harrison4s mum7 - look at her and shrug $iti,ully and she kno)s instantly that something4s )rong7 She

$uts her arms around me and she $ulls me inside7 She rubs my back and )his$ers that everything )ill be

,ine7 - )ant to laugh and tell her there4s isn4t a ho$e in hell that anything is going to be ,ine6 but instead -

kee$ my mouth shut and let mysel, be com,orted by the )oman )ho has been there ,or me since -

9oined the band7

.3here4s your )i,e< Harrison told me you got married7/

.She4s in Beaumont7 - came back to take care o, some stu,, be,ore - head back to her7/

.nd - hear she4s having a baby7/

.%es6 she is6 and she4s so ama*ingly beauti,ul7/



Mrs &ames kisses me on cheek and holds my ,ace in her hands as her eyes roam6 studying me7 .-n time

you4ll tell me )hat4s bothering you7 "ntil then6 Harrison6 Datelyn and all my grandbabies are out back7/

.He4s here</

.%es6 S$ring break or something ,or the kids7 Go on6 they4re about to eat7/ She doesn4t have to tell me

t)ice7 - kiss her on the cheek and give her a tight hug7 - kno) that - can tell her about 5helsea and she

)on4t 9udge me6 but there4s no )ay - can say those )ords aloud )ithout )anting to choke mysel,7 - still

don4t kno) )hat the ,uck to believe7 - can4t6 ,or the li,e o, me6 imagine my dad betraying me like that7

5helsea6 yes6 but not my dad7

s - look around Harrison4s6 - )onder i, &enna )ould like to live in a $lace like this? being able to )alk out

to the beach )henever you )ant7 -t4d be 9ust like our honeymoon6 only $ermanent and )e4d be here6

a)ay ,rom the cold )eather7

- )alk out onto the decking and )hat - see sends a dagger right through my cold heart7 Harrison is so inlove )ith Datelyn it makes me )onder i, - can have that7 - )as in love )ith 5helsea at one time in my li,e6

but she ruined that and continues to do so7 - sought solace in )omen and lots o, them6 until no)7 - have

to change6 sto$ being a )omaniser6 and as much as - )ant to drink a)ay my sorro)s and bed the ,irst

bit o, totty - see6 - can4t7 - )on4t7

3atching Harrison and Datelyn gives me some kind o, ho$e7 He4s holding her6 his arms are )ra$$ed

loosely around her shoulders7 She leans against him6 her hands hanging on to his arms7 Her smile is so

huge and her ,ocus s$lit bet)een him and the kids $laying in the sur,7 He kisses her re$eatedly6 and it

sho)s me a side o, Harrison -4ve never seen be,ore7

.hem6/ - clear my throat to get their attention7 Harrison turns6 inadvertently turning Datelyn )ith him7

.Fancy seeing you here6/ - say6 )aving7

.Hey man6 grab a beer and 9oin us7 Kuinn is teaching the t)ins to body sur,7/ - o$en the ,ridge in

Harrison4s state@o,@the@art kitchen and grab a beer7 - really don4t )ant to intrude on their ,amily time

and should $robably leave a,ter this7

.Ho)4s &enna</ Datelyn asks7

.She4s good6 although -4m thinking - $robably should4ve brought her )ith me7/ -t4s a lie though7

-4m glad - didn4t bring her because - kno) ,or a ,act that her reaction to 5helsea )ould be to ,ile ,or a

divorce7

Datelyn kisses Harrison and starts to )alk a)ay7 He holds on to her until they can4t reach each other

anymore7 His eyes never leave her as he )atches her )alk over to the kids7 3hen she4s out o, earshot6 -

blurt out7 .-4m in a shitload o, ,ucking trouble7 Or at least - think - am7/ He shakes his head and goes over

to grab a beer7 He sits ne#t to me and takes a long s)ig7 His eyes are still trained on his ,amily7

.3hy4d you get married6 &(</

.The baby4s mine7/

.!o reason to get married7 re you regretting it</



.!o6 - like &enna and )ant the baby to have a ,amily7/

Harrison ,inishes his beer and gets to get another7 He brings one back ,or me and this time sits o$$osite

me7 .3hat4s going on</

- shrug7 .Like - said6 -4m ,ucked7/

.Ho) so</

- lean back and rub my hands over my ,ace7 .5helsea4s $regnant and she4s going to $in it on me7

Everyone4s going to believe her because )e have a history7/

Harrison looks back at his ,amily7 He )aves and smiles7 He has )hat -4m trying to give &enna but -4m

already ,ailing miserably7

.Let4s go ,or a )alk7/

- take o,, my shoes and socks and ,ollo) Harrison out onto the sand7 -t only takes a ,e) moments ,or the

kids to come running u$ to me7 They4re )et and sandy6 but - don4t care7 The short time - s$ent )ith the

t)ins )as enough to earn me the title o, uncle even i, - )as using them to $ick u$ the birds by the $ool7

,ter saying hello6 they run back to Datelyn6 their laughter echoing along the beach7 nyone )ho )alks

$ast )ill kno) that this is a ha$$y house6 a house ,ull o, love7 That4s )hat - )ant to give &enna6 - kno)

-4m not going to even get close to )hat Harrison has because he and - aren4t cut ,rom any)here near the

same cloth7

Harrison and - )alk do)n the beach7 The last time - )as here )e )ent sur,ing6 but that4s the last thing -

)ant to do today7 Today -4m ho$ing he actually takes me out into the )aves and dro)ns my $athetic sel,

,or ,ucking u$ the lives o, everyone around me7

.So you4re married to a )oman you hardly kno) )ho is $regnant6 and your e#@,iancC is also $regnant7/

.- kno) &enna very )ell6/ - rebut7

.Oh yeah6 )hat4s her ,avorite song</

- roll my eyes and kick the sand in ,ront o, me7

.(id you tell 5helsea that you )ere getting married</

.!o7 - didn4t kno) - )as until - ,ound out &enna )as $regnant and ho) many months she )as7 - )hisked

her to Bora Bora6 $ro$osed6 got married and )e had a honeymoon7 -t )as great6 $er,ect actually7 "ntil -)ent back to being a com$lete num$ty and came back7 !o) all - can think about is ho) ha$$y - am that

- didn4t bring her )ith me to L/

.3hen did you and 5helsea get back together</

- shake my head7 .3e haven4t7 3e shagged be,ore - )ent back to Beaumont6 but since - had that night

)ith &enna at Liam4s )edding? -4ve been thinking about &enna non@sto$7 3hen - )as )ith 5helsea

everything seemed ,ake and ,orced7 - )asn4t into it7 - $ushed her o,, me7/



.(amn man6 that4s harsh7/ Harrison laughs7 - $ush him6 but realise that he4s right6 )hat - did )as harsh7

$$arently that hasn4t $ut her o,,6 though6 as she4s in my ,lat6 making hersel, at home7

.- think the baby might be my dad4s7/

.Say )hat</ Harrison chokes on his beer7

.- sa) them kissing and shit7 - don4t kno)6 mate7 3ould my dad do something like that</ Harrison

shakes his head7 .- )ant to say no6 but 5helsea might7 - don4t kno)6 man6 the )hole thing seems ,ucked

u$7/

.3hat am - going to do</

3e sto$ )alking and stare out into the sea7 .The )ay - see it6 you can tell &enna about 5helsea7

She4ll understand7 She4s a good $erson and i, - kno) her6 she4ll tell you to go and be )ith 5helsea7/

.- don4t )ant to be )ith 5helsea7/

.3hat do you )ant6 &(</

.My )i,e7/

.Then )hy the ,uck are you standing on my beach< Go back to Beaumont and get her7 3e have a month

be,ore )e leave on tour7 Go s$end time )ith her6 cherish her7 Fuck like rabbits i, you have to6 but 9ust go

to her7/

.3hen did you turn into a smart arse</

Harrison laughs7 .3hen - started $lugging into Datelyn7/

- told him )hat today is6 )hat it meant to me7 - thought6 as my husband and the ,ather o, my child6 he4d

be here6 but he4s not7 Sitting by mysel, in a doctor4s o,,ice ,ull o, e#$ectant )omen )ould be much

easier i, - )as alone and single7 - am6 alone that is6 in every sense o, the )ord6 e#ce$t they all look at me

brie,ly be,ore turning a)ay7 -t4s the $ity $arty that -4ve )anted to avoid7 They look at the ring on my

,inger then to the em$ty chairs on either side o, me and shake their heads7 Their husbands sit there

)ithout a care in the )orld6 reading the most recent edition o, S$orts -llustrated7 Their 9ob is done7 They

,ertili*ed the egg and make their mandatory monthly a$$earance 9ust to kee$ their )ives ha$$y7



- )ant my husband to do the same thing7 Or at least tell me he4s not going to be one o, those dads that

takes time out o, their day to attend doctor4s a$$ointments and that - shouldn4t have any )ild

e#$ectations about )hat our marriage really is7

sham7

cover7

$ublicity stunt7

-4m sure he is trying to avoid having his name s$read all over the tabloids saying that he knocked u$

some random chick and didn4t do the right thing7 -t4s $robably bad ,or his image and )ill mean the hook@

u$s )ill be non@e#istent ,or him no)7 - kno) - )as random6 but he married me7 He made me ,eel s$ecial6

)anted7 He told me he )anted this baby and )as in this ,or all the right reasons7

Then he le,t7

- don4t kno) )hat - e#$ected6 but it4s de,initely not this three days maybe6 a )eek at the most6 but t)o

)eeks< T)o )eeks to get your a,,airs in order< 3hen - le,t (amien6 it )as 8uick7 - didn4t haggle over my

bills or anything like that7 - didn4t even change my address6 but &immy6 - don4t even kno) )hat he4s

doing7 Ho) long does it take to get one4s a,,airs in order<

,,airs7 That4s the )ord that lingers in the back o, my mind7 -s that )hat he4s doing< So)ing his )ild oats

in L because -4m not there< - try to clear my head o, those thoughts6 reminding mysel, that as much as

he said )e4d have a conventional marriage6 it4s not ha$$ening7 %ou don4t leave your ne)ly)ed )i,e at

home )hile you gallivant back to your home state )here the contents o, your little black book reside7

The o,,ice door o$ens and ,or one brie, second - allo) my heart to beat a little ,aster thinking it4s &immy?that he4s here and isn4t going to miss this a$$ointment7 3hat - don4t account ,or is the instant let do)n

)hen yet another $regnant )oman and her husband )alk in6 hand in hand7 - hate admitting it6 but that4s

)hat - )ant7 -t4s )hat - need and desire dee$ in my heart7 -4ll never tell him though7 -4ll never tell anyone

my true ,eelings because those are le,t bottled u$ and buried dee$ in the sand7 - can4t $ressure him to

be something he4s not7 - kne) this and yet - ,ooled mysel, enough to believe his )ords7

.&enna (avis</

- look u$ at the nurse standing in the door)ay holding my ,ile7 She smiles6 )aiting ,or &enna (avis to

stand and make her $resence kno)n7 - )ant to re)ind the last t)enty minutes o, this day and not tell

the rece$tionist that my name has changed7 (avis7 My child )ill be born )ith that last name and )hile

that $leased me )eeks ago6 no) -4m not so sure7 - rise slo)ly and am met )ith looks ,rom the other

)omen7 They 9udge me o$enly7 3e all do it )hether )e intend to or not7 -4m the $oor )i,e )hose

husband can4t be bothered – that4s )hat they4re thinking7 They aren4t thinking that my husband is a

doctor or even his true $ro,ession6 a musician6 and he can4t get a)ay ,rom )ork7 !o6 they4re thinking -4m

single and doing this on my o)n7 They )ant to commend me but they don4t because that means they

understand even though their husbands are sitting ne#t to them7 Some )ere $robably )illing6 but - have

no doubt there are a ,e) here that )ere ,orced to take time o,, ,rom their days to be at their )i,e4s side6

as they should be7



- look at the o,,ice door one more time be,ore making my )ay to the nurse7 She smiles again )hen - $ass

her6 the door shutting loudly behind us7

.This )ay6/ she says in her -4m so ha$$y to be doing my 9ob voice7 3e ste$ into a room and she shuts thedoor behind me7 This is routine7 - take a seat in the chair until -4m told to change into the thin $iece o,

,abric that doctors call a go)n7

.- see you recently married7 5ongratulations7/ The corners o, my mouth turn u$ in the ,akest smile -4ve

ever had to $laster on my ,ace7 She reaches ,or my arm6 sli$$ing the blue blood $ressure cu,, u$ my

,orearm7 .Ho) are you ,eeling</

.-4m ,ine7 - haven4t had morning sickness in a )hile7/

.nd you4re slee$ing okay</ she asks )ithout eye contact7 - kno) she4s in a hurry6 she has a )aiting

room ,ull o, $atients6 but a little ackno)ledgement )ould be nice7

.- don4t have any $roblems slee$ing7/ -t4s a bold@,aced lie7 Ever since &immy le,t and my run in )ith

(amien - haven4t sle$t at all7 Every sound6 every little creak in the ste$s and my body tenses7 - lie a)ake

at night )ith my $hone in my hand )aiting ,or the ,ront door to o$en and ,or (amien to a$$ear7 - leave

all my lights on so that shado)s don4t scare me7 - could go back to Liam4s6 but that4s admitting -4m

scared or telling him that (amien )as around and -4m not sure -4m )illing to do that7

.%our husband )on4t be 9oining you today</

- shake my head and look u$ at the ,luorescent lights6 giving me an e#cuse to have )atery eyes7 - )on4t

cry6 not in ,ront o, her and not over my missing husband7 .He4s )orking6/ - say as nonchalantly as

$ossible7

.Stand on the scale $lease7/

- sli$ o,, my shoes and stand on the scale7 - )atch6 in horror and delight6 as the number increases7

Gaining )eight is a necessary evil7 The higher number should make me ,eel ha$$y6 but it doesn4t

because at the ,ore,ront o, my mind are tooth$ick skinny )omen dra$ing themselves all over my very

)illing husband7

.(id you drink your )ater</

.%es7/

.Okay6 go ahead and lie back on the table6 &enna7 The technician )ill be in ,irst to do your ultrasoundand then the doctor )ill be in7 Be sure to tell the tech i, you )ant to kno) the se# or not7/ The nurse is

gone be,ore - can say anything7 - lie back on the )hite $a$er and let my legs dangle over the end7 - 9um$

)hen the door o$ens6 ,ollo)ed by a young male technician7 He smiles brightly )hen he sees me7 - try

not to stare6 but - can4t hel$ it7 He4s tall6 at least - think he is6 )ith a gorgeous smile and a head ,ull o,

curls? the kind that make you )ant to reach out and run your ,ingers through them7 His eyes are bright

blue6 like something you4d only see in the daylight and i, the sun )as shining 9ust right7

.- hear )e4re looking at your baby today7/

- nod6 my voice no)here to be ,ound7 He $ulls out the rest o, the table6 allo)ing my legs to lie ,lat7



He sits in his stool and rolls over to me6 $ulling the ultrasound machine behind him7 - glance at his

nametag and shake my head slo)ly7 His name is &ames and )hile that isn4t &immy4s name6 it4s close

enough7

.-4m going to li,t your shirt and $ut on this gross and very cold goo$ on your skin7/ - shiver6 not )hen he

touches me6 but )hen the blue blob hits my skin7 - shiver )hen &immy touches me7

The technician $uts the )and on my stomach and hits a ,e) buttons7 The room comes alive )ith the

sound o, the baby4s heartbeat7 -t sounds like there are a hundred horses gallo$ing all around me7

.!o) that )e4ve heard the heartbeat6 let4s see your baby7/

Be,ore - kno) )hat4s ha$$ening the ultrasound machine is $ushed into the technician and the )and is

hanging ,rom my leg7

.3hoa there buddy6/ &ames says7 - look over my shoulder to ,ind &immy staring at me7 The grin on his,ace tells me that he4s ha$$y to be here6 to see me6 but it 8uickly mor$hs into something else? concern<

He ste$s over to me and kisses me ,ull on the li$s7

.Sorry about that6 mate7 -4m &immy (avis7/

- look over at &ames7 He4s staring at &immy )ith his mouth o$en7 .- kno) )ho you are7 -t4s a $leasure to

meet you7 -4m a huge ,an7/ They shake hands6 com$letely ignoring me7

.Hi S)eet Li$s6/ he says6 kissing me again7

.Hi7/

&immy moves so he4s on the other side o, me and $icks u$ my hand7 He kisses my rings be,ore lockinghis ,ingers )ith mine7 -, )e )ere any $lace else -4d $unch him in his 9unk6 but - can4t really do that right

no) since -4m stuck and - )ant to kno) i, my baby has ten ,ingers and toes7

.Have you seen our bub6 yet</

.!o6 Mr7 (avis6 )e )ere 9ust about to look7/

- )ant to thro) u$ at ho) s)eet &ames is being to &immy7 - mean6 really< -4m the $regnant one7

Shouldn4t he be sugary s)eet to me<

.5all me &(7/

- roll my eyes and ,ace the screen7 .5an )e see the baby no)6 $lease</ &ames $ulls his eyes a)ay ,rom

&immy4s and looks ,or the )and7 He ,umbles )ith it a ,e) times be,ore setting it back on my stomach7

The baby4s heartbeat ,ills the room again6 rela#ing me7

.3hat4s that noise</

- look over at my husband and see his eyes )andering7 This is )hy - )anted him here6 not only to be by

my side6 but to e#$erience this together7



.That4s our baby6/ - say6 8uietly6 my voice breaking7 &immy4s ,ace breaks out into the most mesmeri*ing

grin -4ve ever seen7 More than )hen - said yes to his marriage $ro$osal7 He kisses me hard6 holding my

,ace to his7

.- need to record this sound6/ he says6 $ulling a)ay7 He lets go o, my hand6 takes out his $hone and

holds it in the air7 - )ant to laugh out loud at ho) silly he4s being6 but kno) this is something -4ll listen to

over and over again7

.There you go7 - think -4ve got it7/

.- ho$e so6/ - say6 kno)ing -4ll need to hear the heartbeat again once - get home7

.(o you )ant to kno) )hat you4re having</

&immy and - stare at each other6 both our ,aces mor$hing into smiles7 s much as - )ant to be mad at

him right no)6 and believe me - $lan to let him have it a,ter )e4re done6 no) that he4s here6 - )ant tokno) as long as he4s sitting by my side7

3e both look at &ames and nod7

-4M $ushing it6 - kno) - am7 - can4t hel$ it7 !o6 that4s not right7 - can hel$ it6 but - don4t kno) ho)7 - ,eel

like my head is going to e#$lode and it doesn4t matter )hat - do6 or )hat - say6 it4s going to be the )rong

thing7

5helsea4s $regnant7 She reminds me o, this ,act on a daily basis6 thro)ing it in my ,ace like -4m su$$osed

to care7 She tells me that she loves me and is ready to get married7 The smart thing ,or me to say is -4m

already married46 but - don4t7 - don4t say anything7 - act like a ,ucking mute )hen she4s around7 - hate it7 -

hate that )hen -4m in L - can4t leave my ,lat )ithout her ,ollo)ing me7 t )hat $oint do )omen )ake

u$ and smell the co,,ee< 3hen do they realise that they4re being ignored on $ur$ose and that it doesn4t

matter ho) much )hining and crying they do6 i, a bloke isn4t into them6 he4s not going to change his

mind suddenly<

She asked me to go to her doctor4s a$$ointment7 - declined $olitely by saying - didn4t )ant to go7

She burst into tears7 - ,ucking hate it )hen )omen cry so - gave in and said -4d go )ith her7 - don4t even

kno) )hy - )ent7 - kno) this baby isn4t mine6 yet - sat there in the )aiting room6 reading a maga*ine

and shying a)ay ,rom her every time she tried to hold my hand7 The only $roblem )ith that is - never

asked )hen it )as and6 sod4s la)6 - )as delayed in getting back to my &enna7



%eah6 my &enna7 - miss her7 - miss holding her hand and kissing her luscious li$s7 - miss rubbing my hand

along her stomach6 kno)ing our baby is in there thriving o,, her7 - kno) she kno)s something is )rong7

Our $hone conversations )ere short and - had to s$eak so 8uietly that she had to ask me to re$eat

mysel,7 - couldn4t risk 5helsea hearing me and since -4m a total idiot6 - couldn4t ask 5helsea to leave7

But -4m here no) and -4m holding my )i,e4s hand as )e )alk to her car7 - o$en the door ,or her6 but she

doesn4t get in7 She stands against the side o, the car and crosses her arms under her glorious boobs7 -

reach out to rub her arm6 but she shies a)ay ,rom me7

Fuck me7

- run my hand through my hair7 -t4s in dire need o, being cut6 but - )anted to ask &enna her o$inion7

- )ant to get a Moha)k6 but - )ant her to like it7

.&ennaA/

.(on4t7 %ou don4t get to &enna me7 %ou le,t me6 &immy7 %ou said you4d be right back7 To me that4sA -

don4t even kno)6 but not t)o )eeks and not )ith those sorry ass e#cuses ,or $hone calls7/ &enna bites

lo)er li$ and - )ant to $ull it ,rom her o,,ending teeth and kiss the cra$ out o, it6 but having her move

a)ay ,rom me again isn4t something - )ant to e#$erience7

.-4m sorry7 - kno) it4s a shit e#cuse6 but - am7 - didn4t mean to be a)ay ,or this long7 - triedA look it

doesn4t matter7 -4m back and am not going any)here7/

.%ou4re right it doesn4t matter7/ &enna stands u$ straight and un,olds her arms7 She looks u$ at the sky

brie,ly be,ore leveling her ga*e back on me7 .- )ant a divorce6/ she says in a )his$er7

.3here have you been6 &ames</

My mum thinks -4m slee$ing6 but -4ve missed my dad and he4s home no)7 - cree$ do)n the hall to their

bedroom and $eek in7 My mum is sitting at her table6 the one that has all the make@u$ on it6 that she

tells my nana that she needs so that my dad )ill look at her7 - think my mum is beauti,ul 9ust the )ay she

is7

.&ames6 - asked you a 8uestion7/

.- heard you7/

- can4t see my dad6 but - hear him7 He sounds like he4s so ,ar a)ay7

.re you going to ans)er me</

.%ou don4t need to )orry about )here - )as6 Brigette7 - )as at )ork7 That4s )hat - do7 - leave at night

and go to )ork so you can live like a 8ueen and so &immy can go to the ,inest boys4 school7 Sto$ )ith the

8uestions7/

My mum turns around in her chair and $uts her hands in her la$7 She looks like she4s been crying7

.-4m tired7/

.5ome to bed6 love7/



.!o6 &ames7 -4m tired o, the cheating7 -4m tired o, )hoever it is hanging u$ on me every time - ans)er

the $hone only ,or it to start ringing again ,or you to ans)er7 -4m tired o, you coming home and smelling

like you bathed in the $er,ume counter at Harrod4s7 -4m tired o, being an a,ter@thought in your li,e7 -

)ant a divorce7 - )ant you to move out6 tonight7/ - 9um$ )hen something slams against the )all7 My

mum stands7 .3hat are you doing6 &ames<

&immy4s slee$ing7/

.(o you think - care< My )i,e is telling me that she )ants a divorce and is kicking me out o, my house

and you )ant me to be 8uiet< re you mad< - give you the li,e you ask ,or7 - $rovide the ,inest 9e)els

and ,urs that you dra$e yoursel, in at every social event7 So ,ucking )hat i, - get some on the side7/

.Get out6/ my mum shouts7 - 9um$ back a)ay ,rom the door6 a,raid that she4ll see me7

.%ou4re mad6 )oman7 3e4ve been married ,or ,i,teen years7 - gave you a child7 - $rovide you )ith a

home7 %ou don4t )ant me to leave7/

.-4ve called a la)yer6 &ames7 %ou need to leave6 tonight7 - )ant you gone7/

.%ou )ant me gone</

Their room goes silent ,or a moment7

.Fine Brigette7 -4m going6 but don4t you dare call me and beg me to come back7 %ou )ant me gone6 so be

it7/

- don4t )ant him to go7 He4s my dad7 He needs to stay7 He $romised he4d take me to ,ootball $ractice

tomorro)7 3ho4s going to take me no)<

The door s)ings o$en and my dad ste$s into the hall7 - look u$ at him and he shakes his head7 He turns

and looks at my mum7 .- ho$e you4re ha$$y6 Brigette7/

.(on4t leave me6 dad6/ - say6 grabbing his hand7 He $ulls it a)ay and rests it on my shoulder7

.Listen closely6 &immy7 !ever get married7 3omen are only good ,or one thing7/

.&ames</ my mum screeches7

.3hat6 love< -sn4t that )hy you4re kicking me out</

.&immy go to bed6 $lease7/

.!o6 mum7 -4m going )ith dad7 -4ll $ack my suitcase7/

- run do)n the hall ignoring my dad calling my name7 - don4t )ant to live )ith my mum i, she doesn4t

like my dad7

.&immy6/ my dad shouts7 - turn to ,ind him shaking his head7 .%ou can4t come7/

.3hy not< %ou told me you4d take me to ,ootball tomorro)7 - )ant to come )ith you7/

.- don4t )ant you to come )ith me7/



- ,ree*e in my door)ay7 My mum covers her mouth as her eyes go )ide and ,ill )ith tears7 My dad

shakes his head7 He turns and )alks a)ay7 3e both 9um$ )hen the door slams shut7 My mum rushes to

me6 dro$s to her knees and $ulls me into her arms7

.(on4t listen to him6 &immy7 He4s been drinking and doesn4t kno) )hat he4s saying7 He4ll al)ays )ant

you7 %ou4re his son7/

Only he doesn4t )ant me7

.3hy6/ - ask6 ste$$ing closer7 - ,eel the need to $in her against the car so she can4t esca$e7 She can4t

leave me7 - kno) -4m a loser )ho doesn4t deserve her6 but - need her7 - )ant her in my li,e7 - )ant to

raise our baby together and be a ,amily7 - )on4t let her get a)ay7 - re,use to 9ust )alk a)ay ,rom her like

my dad )alked a)ay ,rom my mum7 He didn4t stay to ,ight6 but - )ill7 - am7 She4s not leaving me because

-4m a ,ucking idiot7

.Because you don4t )ant to be married6 &immy7 - don4t )ant you to stay out o, obligation and - don4tA/

.(on4t )hat6 S)eet Li$s</ - move closer7 - kno) -4m being devious and underhanded6 but - need to ,eel

her against me7 -4m going to ,ind every )ay to sho) her that -4m hers7 - kno) there4s stu,, - need to take

care o, and - )ill7 - )on4t let anything come bet)een us7

She shakes her head6 covering her ,ace7 - $ull her hands a)ay and $ut them around my )aist7 .-4m sorry6

&enna7 -4m so ,ucking sorry7 There )as so much cra$ - had to take care o, and -4m no good at this

relationshi$ thing but -4m going to )ork at it so that - am7 -4m going )ork at it and make sure you can

count on me and trust me7 - $romise you that - )as ,aith,ul because - kno) that4s )hat you4re thinking7

%ou4re my )i,e and -4m taking my vo)s very seriously7/

.- don4t kno)6 &immy7/ But she does kno)7 Her hands are clutching the back o, my shirt7 Her nails are

digging into my skin7 She kno)s that she )ants me 9ust as much as - )ant her7

.- kno)6 and -4ll ,i# it6/ - say as my li$s touch hers7 She4s rigid6 ,ighting me7 .-4m not $er,ect6 but -4m trying

to be better ,or you6/ - add6 moving my li$s against hers7 .- )ant to be the best husband and ,ather to

our baby7/ She ,inally o$ens u$ and acce$ts me6 meeting me hal, )ay7 - ,eel alive )hen her tongue

touches mine7 Her body doesn4t )ant a divorce6 -4m sure about that7 -4m going to have to ste$ u$ my

game and make sure she kno)s that she4s my one and only7 - )as stu$id to stay in 5ali,ornia ,or so long7

- let mysel, get sucked into 5helsea4s drama and - need to learn to say no7

.3hat brings you by</

Looking at my ,ather makes me cringe6 but -4m here6 being the man my mum brought me u$ to be7

Maybe )hat - sa) )as t)o $eo$le com,orting each other because - )as being an arsehole7 Or maybe -

sa) e#actly )hat - think - sa)? )hich )as my dad snogging the ,ace o,, my e#@girl,riend )ho has 9ust

ha$$ened to tell me that she4s $regnant7

- )alk in and sit do)n on his leather so,a only to stand u$ again7 -mages o, him and 5helsea invade my

subconscious and it4s not a $retty sight7 - )alk over to the )indo) and look out over Los ngeles7



My dad4s $lace is $retty much like Liam4s )as – ,loor to ceiling )indo)s – but no one can see in7 -t4s the

best o, both )orlds in my o$inion? at least it used to be7 !o) - see a t)o@storey house )ith a ,enced@o,,

garden in my ,uture7

.-4m having a baby6/ - blurt out7

.- heard7 5ongratulations7/ He4s moving around behind me6 no doubt $ouring himsel, three ,ingers o,

Scotch7

.3ho told you< - doubt my mum called you7/

.5helsea told me7 - see her every no) again7/ - nod and )ant to add6 o, course you do7

.-4m not talking about 5helsea7 -4m )ith someone in Beaumont and )e4re having a baby together7/ He

$ats me on the back causing me to 9um$7 .That4s my boy6 one here and one on the side7 !othing )rong

)ith that at all6 son7/

E#ce$t there4s everything )rong )ith it7 (oesn4t he kno) that he4s )rong< (oesn4t he kno) that )hen

you ,ind the one6 everything in li,e ,alls into $lace< The morning a,ter - )oke u$ )ith &enna in my arms6 -

smiled7 nd it )asn4t some stu$id cheesy smile7 -t )as a real6 genuine one7 She makes me smile7

.(ad6 - don4t have anyone on the side7 -4m married6 o,, the market7/

.!o) )hy )ould you go and do something stu$id like that< Get an annulment7 - have a good la)yer

that can hel$ you7/

.Because - )ant to be )ith her and - )ant to raise my child )ith her7 - don4t )ant my kid going through

the same cra$ - )ent through7 My child )ill gro) u$ kno)ing me7/

.nd )hat about 5helsea6 doesn4t she deserve the same ,rom you</ - shake my head7 .5helsea4s not

having my baby7 - )ent )ith her to the doctor4s6 - sa) the chart7 - may be a bloke6 but - can add numbers

u$7 5helsea )as $regnant be,ore her and - sle$t together7/ &enna $ulls a)ay too soon ,or my liking7 .-

)ant you to change your number7/

.Okay6 let4s go do it right no)6/ - say )ithout hesitation7 -, changing my number )ill make her ,eel

better6 -4ll do it7 t this $oint -4ll stand on to$ o, a building and tell the )orld that -4m ha$$ily married

and about to have a baby7 -4ll do anything she asks e#ce$t leave7 -4ll never leave my child7 She4s going to

have to leave me i, she )ants out7

.5an - ask you something6 )i,ey</

She rolls her eyes $lay,ully as she moves her hands so that they rest on my shoulders7 .3hat</

.3ould you like to meet my mum< She really )ants to meet you and )ants to come and visit7/

.%eah -4d like that7 3hat about your dad</

.!ah6 S)eet Li$s6 you don4t )ant to meet him7 My mum though6 she4s ,antastic6 you4ll love her and she

already loves you because you4re making her a grandma7/

.&immy</



.%es6 Mrs (avis7/ God6 - really love the ,act that my surname is no) hers7

.3hy did it take you t)o )eeks</

- could give her some stu$id bullshit e#cuse6 but - )on4t7 -4m never going to lie to this )oman7

3ithhold some ,acts6 yes6 but it4s ,or her $rotection7

.There )as a shit storm in L - had to meet )ith some $eo$le6 see my dad6 em$ty my ,lat and make

some ,inancial arrangements to $rotect you7 -t took longer than - thought and -4m sorry7/ ll - get ,rom

her in re$ly is a nod7 - don4t kno) )hether she believes me or not6 but -4m never leaving her side again

,or as long as - live and one o, these days -4m going to have to tell &enna about my shitty ,ather7 %es6 -

came to live )ith him )hen - turned eighteen6 but that )as because my mum made me7 -, she hadn4t6 -4d

still be a busker in 5ovent Garden or something7 Mum made sure my dad and - established some kind o,

relationshi$6 but that doesn4t mean - )ant him any)here near my )i,e and baby7

.%ou kno)6 )i,ey6 )e need to decide i, )e4re going to tell $eo$le )hat )e4re having7/ - hel$ her into the

car and shut the door7 3hen - get in6 her hand automatically ,inds mine making me )onder 9ust ho)

serious she )as about asking ,or a divorce7 The only thing - kno) is that - never )ant to hear those

)ords come out o, her mouth again7

.Let4s kee$ it a secret7/

- bang my head against the headrest and look at her7 She4s glo)ing6 her hand rubbing her stomach7 -

lean over and kiss her be,ore starting the car7

.%our )ish is my command6 S)eet Li$s7/

- lean my head back on the headrest and turn my ,ace to)ard the )indo)7 The a,ternoon sun shines

through the )indo) )arming my ,ace7 My hand rests in &immy4s la$6 our ,ingers locked together7 His

,inger ta$s in beat )ith the song on the radio against the to$ o, my hand7 -, this )ere )eeks ago6 -4d be

looking at him and imagining )hat our child )ill look like? but it4s not and as much as - )ant to trust

)hat he says6 - can4t get over the sus$icion that something is o,,7

- kno) -4m a ,ool ,or getting into the car )ith him7 - caved )hen he turned on his British charm and

)ooed me into believing that everything is okay7 He didn4t say - )as overreacting though or that my

hormones are getting me riled u$ and that concerns me7 -4ve never been the 9ealous ty$e7 3ith (amien6

my ,riends never let on that they )ere attracted to him or desired him in any )ay6 but &immy< 3ith him

- kno)7 - see the )ay other )omen look at him7 The )ay they thro) themselves at him e#$ecting – and



at some $oint – receiving attention in return7 -s he going to be like that )hen he goes on stage the ne#t

time< 3ill he touch their ,aces6 caressing them like he does me<

-t can4t be easy changing )ho you are in the blink o, an eye and that is )hat he did or should4ve done7 -)asn4t kidding )hen - took my vo)s and - ho$e to God he )asn4t either7 3e may not be in love6 but -

)ant us to at least be ,aith,ul7

My li$s curve into a smile )hen - ,eel his hand caress my stomach7 My shirt li,ts and his li$s are there7

&immy $laces kisses along my gro)ing belly ,rom one side to the other )his$ering )ords only the baby

can hear7 My ,ingers thread though his hair6 my nails scra$ing so,tly along his scal$7 -n our short time

together6 -4ve learned that he loves this and that it turns him on7

My eyes remain shut7 - ,eel like -4m dreaming and that )hen - )ake u$ everything )ill be ugly again7

(amien )ill be standing outside my )indo) )ith the murderous look on his ,ace6 and ne#t to &immy )ill

be hoards o, )omen claiming to be his mistresses7 Dee$ing my eyes shut and my ,ace to)ard the

)indo) is the best o$tion ,or me right no)7 - )ant to relish in the attention he4s giving me be,ore it

goes a)ay7 Be,ore my bubble is burst and some skinny girl sho)s u$ in Beaumont telling me that she4s

been slee$ing )ith my husband7

3hen his li$s ,ind mine6 - close my eyes tighter and submit to him7 He controls me6 drives me to the

brink )ith 9ust the sim$lest o, kisses7 - )ish my body )ould ,ight him6 )ard him o,,6 but it craves him7

My body desires his touch and it has since )e ,irst met a year ago )hen he came to Beaumont7

Ho) - ever made it )ithout coming onto him be,ore the )edding is beside me7 Having him in my arms

that one night )as the result o, years o, thera$y teaching me to love mysel, again7 Hel$ing me discover

that (amien and his ,ist could no longer hurt me6 control me7 3hen &immy came to me that night6 -

kne) )hat - )as doing7 - )anted a $iece o, him like every other )oman his $ath had crossed7 - )as nodi,,erent in that )ay7 - took him and everything he )as )illing to give me in an em$ty room on a $ool

table7 Our story is de,initely one ,or the grandkids7

- cu$ his head6 holding him to my li$s7 - )ant him to cra)l on to$ o, me and take me in the car7 -4ve

missed him and my need ,or him gro)s more urgent )ith each ,lick o, his tongue against mine7

.&immy6/ - say against his li$s7 My hand travels do)n his neck6 over his chest and to his belt buckle7 - tug6

$ulling it out o, the loo$ on his 9eans7 - $alm his hard on6 s8uee*ing gently and -4m re)arded )ith him

biting do)n on my li$7 He stills my hand and - s8uee*e again6 letting my thumb brush u$ and do)n

against his bulge7

.3i,ey6 you4re killing me7 -4ve missed you so much6 but right no) )e have some)here to be7/

.3hy4d you sto$ the car then</ - ask6 o$ening my eyes ,or the ,irst time and looking around7 -s it too

much to ask ,or a little backseat action< - kno) -4m $regnant6 but -4m not above breaking the la) i, it

means - can get ,reaky )ith my hot ass husband7

.Because )e have $lans and )e4re here7/ &immy looks out the )indo)7 - ,ollo) his ga*e and reali*e

)e4re in a $arking lot7 - )as so lost in my daydream that - )asn4t $aying attention7 >e,using to $ay

attention is more like it6 but still the same nonetheless7

.3hat are )e doing at the Beaumont 5ountry 5lub</



&immy shrugs7 .Liam told me that )e should meet him here7/

.(o you $lay gol,</ 3hat a stu$id 8uestion ,or a )i,e to ask her husband6 but it sho)s that )e don4t

kno) each other very )ell7 .- really don4t )ant to sit in there )hile you $lay gol, )ith Liam7/

.S)eet Li$s6 - doubt Liam $lays gol, or is even allo)ed on the course )ith his tattoos7 5an you imagine

someone telling him to cover them u$</

.!o6 not really7 So )hy are )e here</

.- haven4t got the ,oggiest6 let4s go ,ind out7/

Or not - )ant to say6 but he4s out o, the car be,ore - have a chance to o$en my mouth7 - dro$ the visor

and look in the mirror at my make@u$7 My li$s are red and $lum$ ,rom his ra*or burn and my eyes look

like - 9ust )oke u$7 5learly $eo$le )ill kno) )e4ve been ,ooling around in the car and -4d rather not

leave that im$ression6 des$ite my desire to scre) his brains out in the backseat7 - $ull out my li$@glossand a$$ly a ,resh coat and run my ,ingers under my eyes to get rid o, the e#cess make@u$ $articles7

&immy o$ens the door and holds out his hand ,or me7 - )ill give him credit? he4s a gentleman in the

truest sense o, the )ord7 His mother raised him $ro$er and - can4t )ait to thank her ,or that7 3e )alk

hand@in@hand into the club7 &osie4s brought me here ,or lunch be,ore6 but )e haven4t been here much

since Liam has come home7 Something about his $arents being members and it4s too a)k)ard ,or him7

&immy gives our names to the hostess )ho tells us to ,ollo) her7 3e are heading to a $art o, the club

that is a)ay ,rom the restaurant7 She $oints to a door and )alks a)ay6 leaving us standing in the hall)ay

by ourselves7

.3hat4s going on</ - ask7 &immy shakes his head but o$ens the door any)ay7 3e ste$ into a dark room7- clutch at his hand6 hanging on ,or li,e7 This is a set@u$7 Liam didn4t $lan this6 (amien did7

He4s here in this room7 - can ,eel it7 Something moves behind me and - have to bite my li$ ,rom

screaming out7

3e4ve 9ust )alked into our death7 My other arms gri$s his ,orearm6 my nails digging into his skin7

-, - could cra)l into his body - )ould7 - move as close as $ossible6 ho$ing that this )ill be 8uick and

$ainless7

3hen the lights ,lick on - let out a blood@curdling scream at the hoards o, $eo$le yelling at me7

.Sur$rise/

My heart $ounds a thousand beats $er second as - try to catch my breath7 There are tears rushing do)n

my ,ace as my chest heaves7

.&enna6 )hat4s )rong</ &osie asks as - cover my mouth to try and contain a sob7

.- thouA thought you )ere going to kill us7/

&osie dead$ans7 .Oh shit6 -4m so sorry7 - didn4t think o, that7 3e 9ust )anted to give you guys a rece$tion

since you elo$ed and didn4t give us a chance to have a $arty7/



.Okay7/ -4m a blubbering ,ool being held u$ by her husband7 &immy rubs my back as he tries to act calm6

but - ,eel him shaking7 He thought )e )ere set@u$ too and it4s nice to kno) that -4m not the only one

)alking around $aranoid7

.5ome on6 darling6 let4s go get you cleaned u$7 %ou have a $arty to attend7/ - nod and reluctantly let go

o, &immy4s hand as &osie and Datelyn lead me out o, the room7 They lead me do)n the hall and behind a

closed door7 Once it4s shut - let out a sob that makes my )hole body shake7 -4m directed to sit on the

couch )ith both girls rubbing my back7

.3hat4s going on< Because -4m getting the ,eeling you4re bottling u$ some $retty dee$ emotions to be

crying like this7/

.!othing6/ - say6 )i$ing my tears7 .&ust my hormones7/

.Bullshit6/ &osie and Datelyn say in unison7

.%ou can talk to us you kno)7 &ust because you married into the band doesn4t mean )e4re not ,riends6/

Datelyn says6 stroking my hair7 &osie nods7

- take a dee$ breath and blurt out6 .- don4t )ant to believe &immy is having an a,,air and - kno) he

doesn4t love me6 but )e took these vo)s and he )as gone ,or t)o )eeks and -4m really ,reaking out

inside because my mind is telling me to run and ,ile ,or divorce but my body is telling me to go scre) his

brains out in the backseat o, the car7/ - cover my mouth in horror and look at my t)o ,riends7 .Oh God

-4m so sorry7 Ever since my second trimester it seems - have no ,ilter7/ Datelyn and &osie start laughing6

)hich honestly doesn4t make me ,eel any better7 .&enna6/ Datelyn starts6 .- don4t think &immy )ould

cheat on you7 t least - )ould ho$e that he4s smarter than that7/

.But he is &immy6/ &osie adds6 )hich makes everything Datelyn 9ust said go out the door7

.Oh great6/ - say6 thro)ing my hands u$ in the air7

.!o listen7 t one $oint )e4ve all thought it7 - )ould lie a)ake in bed at night and imagine Liam )ith

other )omen7 - had visuals ,rom the many maga*ines and even Sam4s ,ace )ould $o$@u$7 But he asked

me to trust him and - did7 (oes it mean that - didn4t think about it< !o6 it doesn4t7 Each time he )ent

back to L - )as a )reck because - thought )hat i, he4s so lonely that he needs that $ainkiller<4

Those )omen don4t care i, he4s )ith someone6 they all )ant a $iece o, someone else4s $ie7/

.- ,elt the same about Harrison even though - kne) he hadn4t dated much and even sto$$ed dating

)hen he moved to Beaumont7 The thoughts )ere there6 but - kno) Harrison )ould never do somethinglike that6 nor )ould he allo) &immy to do it on his )atch7 Trust that the guys )ill kee$ him on the right

$ath as long as &immy )ants to be there7/

- try to smile at &osie and Datelyn and6 )hile their )ords o,,er some reassurance6 the thoughts still

linger7 The door o$ens )ith a small knock7 3e look u$ to ,ind &immy $eeking his head in7

.Hello my lovelies6 -4d like to have my )i,e back i, that4s okay )ith you</

.%eah6 )e4re going to get her all $retty and then she4ll be out6/ &osie says6 standing7 - smile so,tly at

&immy be,ore he ,inally closes the door7



.He4s not cheating6/ &osie says7

.Ho) do you kno)</

She looks at me6 her 5heshire 5at grin getting larger7 .That boy is in love )ith you7 -4ve never seen him

look at another )oman like that be,ore7/

My heart soars )ith her )ords7 She )ould kno)6 she4s s$ent the most time )ith him7 Maybe - need to

let go and 9ust go )ith the ,lo) and take each day as it comes7 -, - live in ,ear that he4s cheating6 -4ll

$robably drive him into another )oman4s arms and - )ouldn4t be able to live i, - did something like that7

M% )i,e is crying and it4s all my ,ault and my t)o best ,riends are shooting daggers at me as - )alk do)n

the corridor to)ards the bar7 -t4s not going to matter )hat - say to her or to them7 -4ve ,ucked u$ and

there4s no changing it7 -4m as stu$id as my mum )as )hen she took my dad back7 - don4t kno) ho) -4m

going to ,i# this7 -, - kne) - )ould not be in this situation in the ,irst $lace7

- a$$roach the bar )ith some tre$idation7 They have 8uestions and )ill e#$ect ans)ers7 -, this )as any

other )oman they $robably )ouldn4t care as much6 but it4s &enna7 - crossed the line during the night o,

the )edding and i, the condom had done )hat it )as su$$osed to do and not s$lit6 then no one )ould

even kno)7

E#ce$t one time )asn4t enough ,or me and )hile being a dad )asn4t something - )as looking to be6 -4m

ha$$y that she4s my )i,e7

- take the beer that Liam is o,,ering me7 He and Harrison are leaning against the bar and )atching the

cro)d7 -t makes a change that )e are the s$ectators )atching the cro)d instead o, it being the other

)ay around7

.%ou scared the shit out o, &enna6/ - say6 be,ore taking a long s)ig o, the beer7 The cold amber li8uid

,eels good as it sli$s do)n my throat and - 8uickly ,inish it7 - can4t get drunk6 not tonight6 but - can hide

the ,ucking bullshit loitering at the back o, my mind7 Harrison kno)s my secret6 but - trust him not to say

anything to Liam7 -, -4m being honest6 -4m ho$ing that he4s ,orgotten and hasn4t told Datelyn either7 -

don4t )ant the little tidbit about 5helsea being $regnant to get back to &enna be,ore - have had a chance

to say something to her ,irst7

That4s i, - have the balls to even sum u$ the courage to say anything to her7 >ight no)6 - don4t7 -4d rather

have my nuts t)isted into a vice gri$ than e#$lain about 5helsea being u$ the du,,7

.- don4t kno) much about )omen6 but - do kno) those tears )ere a culmination o, a ,e) things7/



.3hat does that mean6 Liam</ - ask6 taking another beer ,rom the barman7

He $uts his beer do)n and looks at me7 .3hat the hell could take t)o )eeks that you couldn4t do ,rom

here< %ou le,t her the second you came back ,rom your honeymoon7 3hy didn4t you 9ust take her )ithyou</

.-t4s not as easy as that6 and you kno) it7/

Liam kno)s it4s not sim$le7 There4s a reason )hy he never took &osie home to L Sam7 5helsea is my

o)n $ersonal Sam7 -, - took &enna to Los ngeles - )ouldn4t be standing here today7 &enna )ould4ve le,t

me7 She )ould4ve )alked out o, my li,e and never looked back and - can4t risk that ha$$ening7

.%ou can4t be messing around on her7 She4s $regnant and not ,eeling se#y7/ - look at my ,riend and shake

my head7 .Ho) do you kno) this cra$</ Harrison laughs6 li,ting his beer bottle to his mouth7 .This is )hy

Datelyn and - aren4t having any more kids7 - can4t deal )ith the emo shit that comes )ith it7/

.She told &osie she4s ,at7/

.She4s $regnant6/ - say a little more loudly then - intend to7 ,e) $eo$le - don4t kno)6 )ho -4m

assuming are ,riends )ith Liam turn and look at me7 - ti$ my bottle at them and smile be,ore looking

back at him7 .%ou4re turning into someone )ho4s $ussy@)hi$$ed6 Liam7/ Harrison s$rays beer out o, his

mouth and starts coughing7 Liam looks like -4ve kicked his dog7

- shrug7 .ll -4m saying is that you4ve been getting in touch )ith your ,eminine side lately and it4s starting

to sho)7/

.That4s )hat ha$$ens )hen you4re in love7/

- see my bride scanning the room6 and ho$e that she4s looking ,or me7 3hen our eyes meet6 her ,ace

lights u$7 - take a si$ o, my beer and $ut it do)n7 .%eah6 - kno) )hat you mean6/ - say be,ore )alking

a)ay ,rom both o, them7

Her smile becomes bigger6 her eyes brighter6 the closer - get7 - kno) - ,ucked u$6 but -4m going to do

)hatever it takes to make sure she kno)s that she4s my number one $riority7 - can4t continue to mess

u$ because - kno) i, - do6 she4ll leave7 She4s already threatened divorce and -4ve ho$e,ully talked her out

o, it6 but i, she says that )ord again - don4t kno) )hat -4ll do e#ce$t to get do)n on my hands and knees

and beg her not to leave me7 -4ll do more than my ,ather did6 that4s ,or sure7

My dad has been gone ,or a month7 My mum cries every night6 but - don4t understand )hy7 She kicked

him out so )hy is she crying< - only talk to her )hen she asks me 8uestions7 -4m mad at her ,or tellingmy dad to go a)ay7 -4ve tried calling him6 but he never ans)ers7 - don4t kno) )hen -4ll get to see him

again6 but -4m saving all my money so - can go and live )ith him7 Maybe he4ll take me to merica to live

)ith my grand$a7 He4s al)ays saying that everything is better over there and that he only lives in

England because o, my mum7 But )e don4t need her anymore so my dad and me can 9ust leave7

- climb the ste$s to my mum4s ,lat7 - don4t call it home anymore6 not since my dad le,t7 - o$en the door

and )alk straight u$ the stairs that lead to my bedroom7 -4ll hide there until dinner7 - don4t )ant to

)atch the television )ith my mum7

.&immy7/



- ,ree*e )hen - hear my dad4s voice7 - turn and see him kneeling do)n )ith his arms o$en and )aiting

,or me7 - dro$ my back$ack and run into his arms7 - kne) he4d come back ,or me7 He loves me and

$romised he4d take me to ,ootball $ractice7

.-4m really ha$$y you4re here7/

.Me too6 &immy7 - )anted to see you be,ore - le,t7/

- ste$ back7 .3hat do you mean</

.-4m going to the States ,or a )hile6 but -4ll be back7/

.-4m coming )ith you6/ - blurt out as - run to)ards the stairs7

.&immy</

.Be right back6 dad6 - 9ust have to get my case? it4s already $acked7/ - run u$ the stairs and $ush the dooro$en7 - run to my bed6 ,all to my knees and $ull out my suitcase7 - )on4t miss anything in my room7 My

dad can buy me ne) things )hen )e get to Grand$a4s7

3hen - go back do)nstairs there4s a girl sitting on my dad4s la$7 She )asn4t there earlier6 but - already

kno) - don4t like her7 She4s kissing his neck like -4ve seen >ebecca do to =eter4s older brother7 =eter said

his brother likes it and that it means the girl is ready to get busy7 But - don4t kno) )hy she4s kissing my

dad7 Only my mum should be doing that7 - don4t like this girl at all7

.-4m ready6/ - say loudly7 The girl turns and looks at me6 but she doesn4t smile7 She rolls her eyes and

gets o,, my dad4s la$7 -, you ask me6 she4s a little too big to be sitting there any)ay7 Even - don4t do that

anymore7

.%ou said it )ould 9ust be us6/ the girl says7 My dad moves her to one side and - see him touch her bum7 -

look at my dad )ith con,usion7 He closes his eyes and )hen he looks at me6 he beckons me to)ards

him7

.&immy6 you can4t come )ith me7/

.3hy not</ - )on4t cry because -4m a tough boy7

.Because - need to get my $lace set u$ and get back into the studio7 - can4t do that )ith you hanging

around7 - kee$ late nights and that4s not a good li,estyle ,or a little boy7/

.-4m not little7/

.&immy6 come on bud7 %ou need to stay )ith your mom and hel$ her out7/

.!O She4s making you leave7 -4m coming )ith you7/

My dad stands and $uts his hand on my shoulder7 The girl comes u$ behind my dad and grabs his hand7

.(on4t touch my dad6/ - say6 $ushing her hand a)ay7 - $ush her until she4s no longer standing ne#t to us7

.Tell her to go a)ay7/

.- can4t7/



.3hy not< %ou love mum6 not her7/

.&immy6 listen7 - love your mom6 but - love Ti,,any6 too7 -4m going to marry Ti,,any as soon as the divorce

is ,inal7/

.%ou can4t6 dad7 %ou love mum7/

.&ames6 )e4re going to miss the ,light7/

My dad nods6 as he listens to her7 - hate her7 My dad ru,,les my hair7 .See ya around7 Be good to your

mom7/

s soon as the door shuts - start banging on it6 shouting ,or my dad7 .5ome back6/ - say over and over

again7 -4m trying not to cry6 but - can4t hel$ it7 - )ant my dad7

My mum $ulls me into her arms7 She holds me )hile - cry against the door7 She doesn4t say anything7

She doesn4t have to7

- $ull my )i,e into my arms and look in to her eyes7 From this moment on)ards -4m going to be better7 -

never )ant to hear the )ord divorce come out o, her mouth again7 - link my hand )ith hers and $ull her

to the middle o, the dance ,loor7 - don4t kno) )hat song is $laying6 but ,rom here on it )ill be ours7 My

arm moves around her )aist and - $ull her closer to me6 holding our linked hands to our chests7 3e

s)ay back and ,orth6 dancing in ,ront o, our ,riends and ,amily as husband and )i,e7

.- kno) - made you cry7/

&enna shakes her head7

.- did6 - kno) - did7 -4m stu$id7 -4m a stu$id guy )ho has made a li,e changing decision and - $lan to,ollo) through )ith everything - said on our )edding day7 - $romised you then and - $romise you no)6

-4ll cherish you6 -4ll $rotect you and -4ll be only yours7 The only thing that can se$arate us is death and

)e4re going to live until )e4re old and grey and our great@great grandchildren have to come and visit us

in a nursing home7/

&enna nods as - )i$e a)ay a tear7 .%ou say the s)eetest things7/

.%ou bring out the best in me6 S)eet Li$s7 - 9ust need you to be $atient )ith me7 -4m going to ,uck u$6

but you have my $ermission to kick my arse )hen - do7/

.Okay7/

.%eah6 okay6/ - say6 kissing her7 .5ome on6 - )ant to take you home and ravage your body7 -4ve missed

you7/

.-4m ,at7/

- sto$ us ,rom dancing and $ut my hands on her cheeks6 ,orcing her to look at me7 .%ou4re beauti,ul and

se#y7 So ,ucking se#y that - 4ve got a hard@on 9ust thinking about you7 -4ve )anted you ,or so long be,ore

the )edding and )hen - ,inally had you6 - needed more7 -4d be here even i, you )eren4t $regnant7 - don4t

)ant to hear that you4re ,at or not beauti,ul because you $ut all these other )omen to shame7/



- take her hand and lead her out o, the room7 - kno) this $arty is ,or us6 but -4ve 9ust got back and - need

to be alone )ith my )i,e7

- roll over and look at my slee$ing husband7 He ke$t me u$ late last night saying goodbye and

memori*ing every inch o, my body and as much as -4d like to be slee$ing right alongside him6 the baby isrunning a marathon inside me right no)7 - could )ake him and ask him to sing to our child6 but - like

)atching him slee$7 -t4s a glorious sight )ith the sheet barely covering him6 and - like being able to stare

at his body ,reely7 -, - )anted - could trace the lines o, his abs $er,ectly )ith my ,ingers and )atch him

)ake ,rom my touch7

- hate admitting it6 but he4s been the model husband since he came back ,rom Los ngeles and - love

having him here7 He4s been attentive6 caring and doesn4t leave my side unless it4s ,or band $ractice7 He4s

leaving today6 a,ter being home ,or a month7 !ot back to L but to go on tour7 3hen he told me6 -

,reaked7 My body shook7 - cried and shut mysel, in our room ,or hours until he couldn4t take it anymore7

-t4s the stu$id $regnancy hormones6 - kno) it is7 - let my mind get the best o, me and believe that he4s

going to return to the old &immy and that this $ast month )as nothing but a sho)7 - kno) my mind isbeing irrational7 He4s not going to leave me ,or a grou$ie6 but it4s hard7 - )ant to live in a bubble and

$retend the outside )orld doesn4t e#ist7 The irrational side o, me needs to shut the hell u$ and en9oy

the man ne#t to me7 He says he4s not cheating and - need to trust that6 trust him7

This tour )ill be di,,erent and the ,irst one )here the )ives aren4t going7 The thought never crossed my

mind about going )ith them6 but &osie and Datelyn usually travel )ith the band7 They4re staying back ,or

my bene,it7 - told them -4d be ,ine6 but they )ouldn4t listen7 3ith my $arents gone and my third

trimester looming6 they ,elt it better that they stay )ith me7 -4ll be moving into &osie4s house today until

the guys get back7 !ot something - )anted to do6 but my husband asked and even batted his damn

eyelashes at me7 3ho am - to re,use<

My ,ingers have a mind o, their o)n and ,ollo) the image engraved in my mind as they trace the ridges

on his stomach7 He stirs and mumbles something6 but - don4t sto$7 - try not to laugh6 biting my bottom

li$ to kee$ ,rom giggling7 Side to side my ,inger moves lightly touching his skin7 His skin $ebbles ,rom my

touch6 encouraging me to kee$ at it7

His hand stills mine7 - look at his ,ace ,or any sign o, dis$leasure but see none7 He slides my hand under

the sheet and onto his hard on7 He moves my hand u$ and do)n a ,e) times be,ore letting go7 - )atch

as the sheet moves ,rom the motion7 - $ush it aside so - can take in the glory that is my husband7

- glance at him6 his eyes are shut and his arms are resting behind his head7 - kno) he4s a)ake by the se#y

smirk s$reading across his ,ace7



- lean do)n and lick the valley bet)een his abs7 My tongue traces through the light $ath o, hair leading

to )here - )ant to be7 My li$s re$lace my tongue7 His ,ingers thread through my hair7 -, - look u$6 -4ll be

done ,or7 His eyes do me in each and every time7 - kno) )hat he )ants and have no $roblems giving it

to him7

.5ome here and kiss me6 )i,ey7/

- chuckle6 but don4t move to)ard him7 - straddle him as - kiss the to$ o, his cock and re$lace my hand

)ith my tongue7 &immy hisses as his hi$s move ,or)ard7 - chance a look and see his head thro)n back7

Seeing him like this s$urs me to do this ,or him7 -, - can make him ,eel good6 maybe he )on4t leave me in

the end7 - take him ,ully in my mouth6 my hands s$read out over his abdomen6 my nails scratching lightly

as they move7

His hand cu$s my arm $ulling me a)ay7 .- need a kiss6/ he says as he brings me to his li$s7 -n one s)i,t

move he im$ales me and sets a 8uick and ,ast rhythm7 - scream out in $leasure as he rocks into me7

.5hrist6 S)eet Li$s6 - ,ucking love your $ussy7/

moan esca$es causing him to laugh7

.%ou like it )hen - talk dirty6 don4t you</

.%es6/ - say6 breathlessly7 He rolls us over and sits back on his haunches7 His thumb $resses against my

clit7 My eyes roll back as he continues to )ork my body into a ,ren*y7 -4ve never ,elt like this7 -4ve never

,elt like -4m standing on the edge and the only relie, -4ll get is i, - ,all over the side7 He does this to me7 He

brings this out o, me7 &immy4s master,ul in the art o, se# and -4m his student7 He4s teaching me to listen

to my body6 to ,eel )hat $leasure he4s giving me7 This is a class - )ant to ,lunk6 re$eatedly6 so he has to

start all over again7

- scream out as my orgasm rolls over me7 &immy moves ,aster6 more urgent7 The $ulsing is almost much

too much to bear and - dig into his skin looking ,or relie,7 He ,alls on to$ o, me6 $anting7

.3hat am - to you</ he asks7

.My husband7/

.(amn straight7 !o) kiss me7/

.(O you think you have everything</ - ask6 ,olding another shirt be,ore $utting it in his suitcase7

3e4ve stalled long enough6 avoiding the inevitable7 He4s leaving ,or months and the timing couldn4t be

)orse7 They4ll be gone most o, the summer6 arriving home a ,e) )eeks be,ore my due date7 -4m

nervous6 - )on4t lie6 i, the baby )ill come early and he )on4t be here7

- )ant him to stay6 but - don4t tell him this7 - can4t7 Touring is $art o, his 9ob and as much as -4m going to

hate it6 he has to go7 - kno) - )on4t be alone6 but -4ve gro)n rather ,ond o, having &immy in my li,e every

day7 3aking u$6 )alking to )ork and cra)ling into bed has become a treat ,or me7

.-4ve never taken this many things be,ore7 %ou4re s$oiling me7/ &immy kisses me on my cheek and sla$s

my ass7 He4s s)eet on one side6 dirty on the other7 Honestly6 - )ouldn4t change him7

.- )ant to make sure you have enough clothes7/



.%ou kno) )e al)ays use the ,acilities at the hotels )e stay in and our manager )ill make sure our

clothes get )ashed6 right</ He $lay,ully asks over his shoulder as he )alks into the bathroom7

.3hat4s his name again</ - kno) &osie and Datelyn )ere beyond ha$$y that another .Sam/ )asn4thired7 - hid my elation that the ne) manager is a man7 The last thing - )ant is some other )oman doing

&immy4s laundry7 -4ve become 8uite ,ond o, the bo#ers he )ears7

&immy comes out o, the bathroom shirtless7 My ,olding ,alters as - )atch him move around the room7

.He4s called Gary7 He4s ,rom !e) %ork so not involved )ith the L scene )hich is )hat Liam and

Harrison )anted7 He4s also married and has kids so he gets it7/

.%eah6 that4s good6/ - say6 my voice breaking7 &immy comes u$ behind me6 rests his chin on my shoulder

and $laces his hands on my belly7 His thumbs move u$ and do)n over my shirt7

.For the ,irst time since - 9oined the band - don4t )ant to go6/ he )his$ers against my neck7

- nod6 agreeing )ith him because - don4t )ant him to go either7 Or - )ish - )as going )ith him6 but it4s

9ust not $ossible7 .3ould you be mad i, - said - )anted you to stay</

.!o6 - )ant to kno) that you )ant me here and that you need me here7/

.- do6 so much7/ - turn and )ra$ my arms around him7 - )on4t cry6 not in ,ront o, him7 -t4s not ,air to him

i, - do7 He kno)s )hat this is doing to me7 - don4t need to $our salt in the o$en )ound7 .- think our –/

.re you ready to tell everyone</

- can4t hel$ but smile7 3e4ve been kee$ing the se# o, the baby a secret and re,using to ackno)ledge it

,or ,ear )e might sli$ in ,ront o, our ,riends7

.- think so7 &osie and Datelyn )ant to kno) so they can $lan a baby sho)er and -4m sure our moms )ant

to kno) )hat )e4re having7/

.My mum can4t )ait to meet you7 She4ll be arriving as soon as the tour ends and )ill stay to hel$ out i,

you need her7/

My mom has o,,ered the same thing6 but )e can4t have both o, them here7 .- think -4ll take your mom u$

on the o,,er and tell mine she can come a,ter7/

.3hatever you )ant6 )i,ey7/

.- think )e should tell $eo$le7/

&immy4s smile is in,ectious7 - bury my head in his shoulder and hold onto him7 -n a ,e) minutes )e have

to drive over to Liam4s and say goodbye7 3e4ll be living a li,e o, )ebcams6 te#ting and $hones7

-4ve also been told to stay a)ay ,rom gossi$ sites and that i, -4m starting to have a ,reak out6 -4m to call

him immediately7

He $ulls a)ay all too soon ,or my liking and bends do)n7 His hands hold my stomach )hile he $e$$ers

me )ith kisses7



&immy looks u$ and )inks causing me to laugh7 .-4ve recorded the song -4ve been singing so you have to

$lay it every morning7 - read online that you can $ut head$hones on your stomach7 - )ant to make sure

my baby girl hears her daddy4s voice every day7/

single tears ,alls ,rom my eye onto the to$ o, his hand7 He stands6 $lacing both hands on my cheeks7 .-

love you6 S)eet Li$s7 -4ll be home soon7/

My breathing sto$s momentarily7 .3hat did you say</

.%ou heard me6 &enna7 - love you7 - love our daughter and - love our li,e together7/

0112 3est is back on tour +Liam +Harrison +&(

Gonna rock )ith 0112 3est tonight

OMG (id you see &immy )ink at me last night<<☺ +01123est - LOE &immy (avis7 He4s delish

- so $layed out my ,antasy last night at the a,ter $arty +&immy(avis +Love +bestnightever - thro) my$hone do)n ne#t to me7 - really hate T)itter7 - miss li,e in Beaumont7 -t4s like T)itter and Beaumont go

hand@in@hand ,or me7 -, -4m there6 my T)itter ,eed and mentions are 8uiet7 3hen -4m on the road6 it4s a

trending to$ic4 mess7

- )ant 8uiet7

!o6 )hat - )ant is my )i,e6 in our bed6 snuggled u$ in my arms7 She4s )hat - need7 - miss touching her

tummy and singing to our daughter and even though -4m trying not to think about it too much6 - do7 The

days are long and the nights are even longer7 Be,ore &enna6 - lived ,or my nights6 but no) - can4t )ait to

get o,, stage so - can call her or see her beauti,ul ,ace on Sky$e7 - kno) she4s staying u$ odd hours so )e

can talk and - a$$reciate it6 but - hate seeing her so tired )hen she comes online7

3ho kne) -4d change this much in such a short amount o, time< !ot me7 - kne) marrying &enna )as a

risk6 but it )as one - )as )illing to 9um$ into ,eet ,irst7 - love her and not because )e4re having a baby6

but because she4s everything that -4m not7 She com$letes me as a $erson and treats me as her e8ual7

- kno) she )orries about me being un,aith,ul6 but - sa) )hat cheating did to my mum and -4d never do

that to anyone7 5helsea did it to me and that alone $ushed me to the lo)est $oint in my li,e7 - re,use to

even look at another )oman so those t)eets are all ,ucking bullshit7 -t4s 9ust nothing but a bunch o,

)omen trying their hand at a bit o, shit@stirring7



Our tour bus $ulls u$ and sto$s along the street in !e) %ork 5ity7 3e are s$ending an e#tra day here to

)atch %vie &ames $er,orm7 She4s been here ,or a )hile )orking on Broad)ay and no) that her big

brother is in to)n6 )e4re going to )atch her sho)7 %vie is like a sister to me6 s$unky6 loud and annoying6

but - )ouldn4t s)a$ her ,or anything7 She4s my age and )e4ve been through a lot together7

%vie kne) 5helsea )asn4t right ,or me be,ore - could break ,ree7

The bus door o$ens and )e ,ile out7 -4m thank,ul that our arrival has been ke$t on the do)n lo)7 -t4s not

that - don4t like the ,ans6 it 9ust that sometimes it4s nice not to be noticed7 - stretch and take in the early

morning sun7 -t4s going to be a scorcher today6 but all -4m doing is sho$$ing7 -4m ,orcing the guys to go

)ith me to the toy stores and )e4ll be stocking u$7 &enna4s going to kill me because our $lace doesn4t

have a lot o, s$ace6 but my little one needs toys and )hen her daddy gets home6 he4ll be moving her

mum to a ne) house7

-4ve been searching ,or a house online7 -4d like one like Harrison and Datelyn4s7 -t4s big enough ,or us to

e#$and as a ,amily and has a decent si*ed garden7 Liam and &osie4s garden is too big ,or me7 - look

around at the buildings that surround me and think about ho) - )anted to live in the 5ity7 !ot so much

9ust me6 but also 5helsea7 3hen - bought the bungalo) 9ust a ,e) blocks a)ay ,rom Sunset6 - thought

)e4d be ha$$y there7 - )as )rong and standing here today - can say thank God 5helsea did )hat she did

and - caught her because - )ouldn4t s)a$ &enna ,or anything7

The high@$itched s8uealing catches my attention7 Be,ore - kno) bro)n hair is ,lying by me at mock high

s$eed and launching hersel, into Harrison4s arms7 He catches her )ithout missing a beat and s$ins her

around7 Her legs )ra$ around his )aist and to Liam and me this is normal and )e e#$ect it7

But to the guy standing o,, to the side )ith the telltale sign o, being utterly $issed o,,6 he )as de,initely

not e#$ecting this on his leisurely stroll do)n a !e) %ork 5ity side street7

This guy – he4s interesting – - )atch him because he makes it easy to do so7 He4s glaring at Harrison as he

stands against the building )ith his ,oot $ressed u$ against the ,aade7 The only thing missing is a

cigarette hanging ,rom his mouth and this bloke )ould be a &ames (ean )annabe7 Sadly ,or him6 he4s

not7 He4s middle@aged6 )ith this )eek4s style mo$ to$ and dressed like a t)enty@something model out o,

GK7

Harrison $uts %vie do)n6 but doesn4t let go o, her7 - turn back and )atch her ,riend )ith his eyes ,ull o,

anger7 He thinks he o)ns her7 Funny7 Last time - checked no one o)ned %vie &ames6 e#ce$t maybe

Kuinn7

%vie makes her rounds6 Liam ne#t then me7 - $ick her u$ and give Mr7 ngry4 the eye as - give her a long

hard kiss on her cheek7 He doesn4t kno) )ho he4s messing around )ith6 but let me tell you something?

she4s mineA ours and )e $rotect )hat4s ours7

.-4m so ha$$y you guys are here7 -4ve missed you7/ %vie says as she ,alls back into Harrison4s arms7 He

has his baby sister engul,ed in his arms7 Their bond is undeniable7 .5ome meet Oliver7 He4s my

$roducer7/

.nd shagging $artner6/ - mutter loud enough so Liam can hear me7 He raises an eyebro) )hen %vie

glares at me7 - shrug7 -4m not sorry7 The dude is a bloody dickhead and needs an attitude ad9ustment7



.Oliver6 these are my brothers7 That4s &immy6 Liam and Harrison7/ She $oints at each one o, us and )hile

all three o, us stand there6 each )ith a di,,erent e#$ression6 - can tell Ollie here isn4t a ,an7

.!ice to meet you6 mate7 -4d like to say that %vie has told us lots about you but she hasn4t7/ Oliverdoesn4t )ant to shake hands so - don4t o,,er mine7 - can see through his veneer? he4s a t)at and is

$robably shagging %vie to get ahead in the industry7 Maybe he4ll $iss o,, Harrison and )e can have a

,ight later7 -t4s been a long time since -4ve en9oyed mysel, in a bar ,ight7

.-4m sorry6 )hat did you say your name )as</ Harrison4s )ords have a bit o, bite to them and - kno) he

sa) the )ay this ,uck )as looking at us )ith %vie7 -4m trying not to laugh6 but seeing him in

over$rotective mode is hilarious7 That4s one thing about Harrison &ames – you don4t mess )ith his ,amily

or he makes you $ay7 nd i, he4s making you $ay6 you can be damn sure that -4ll be right behind him6 and

so )ill Liam7

.-4m sorry6 )ho are you</

- take a ste$ back and shake my head7 This man is about to get his arse beaten7 Harrison looks u$

shar$ly7 This )on4t end )ell7

.3ho are you</

.s i, it4s any o, your business6 -4m %vie4s boy,riend and $roducer7/ %eah things are going do)nhill ,ast7

Harrison rubs his chin and Liam rolls his shoulders7

.Hold u$6 guys6/ %vie says )ith her hands on her hi$s7 .Oliver6 don4t be an ass to my brother and

Harrison6 sto$ acting tough7 He4s not like you guys7/

.Every man should have res$ect ,or his girl4s ,amily6/ Liam says7 - agree6 it4s the most im$ortant value to

have7

- think 0112 3est should do a celebrity )restling match or something like that7 -4ll volunteer ,or the

greater cause o, humanity7 nything that allo)s me to release this $ent u$ aggression building inside

me7 - kno) )here it4s coming ,romA 5helsea7 - )as so grate,ul )hen &enna asked me to change my

number7 - didn4t hesitate7 - did it because my )i,e asked me to and she4s the most im$ortant $erson to

me7 3hat - didn4t count on )as 5helsea bombarding my email )ith $leas7 - can clearly $icture her in my

mind7 The tears running do)n her ,ace6 begging me to call her7 The thing is6 - don4t )ant to7 - kno) that

makes me the biggest shit in the )orld6 but -4m not convinced the baby she4s having is mine7

- asked her ,or a $aternity test6 at Harrison4s insistence7 He said he had one done )ith Kuinn because hehad to kno)7 - have to kno)7 - can4t go to &enna )ith this ne)s6 )ithout kno)ing ,or sure7

She4ll leave me and - )on4t be able to handle that7 3hen - told her that - loved her6 - meant it )ithout a

doubt7 -4ll do )hatever - can to make sure she kno)s that6 but 5helsea is in the )ay and threatening my

ha$$iness and - can4t have that7

%vie $romises she4ll meet us at the side door o, the venue be,ore the sho) so )e can let her in7 - ho$e

she leaves the douche behind7 - don4t )ant her night )ith us ruined by this arsehole7

- love being on stage7 For me it4s like an orgasm building and )aiting to be released7 3hen the lights go

o,, and the ,irst note is hit6 the sensation takes over my body7 Tonight is no di,,erent7 -4m bouncing on



the balls o, my ,eet6 antici$ation crackling in the atmos$here7 The chants are loud6 they )ant Liam and

that has never bothered me7 They can have him in all his glory and he4ll ha$$ily give it to them as long as

he4s on stage7 - look at the three o, us standing side by side6 and think about ho) )e4ve changed in the

$ast t)o years7 ll o, us are $arents6 even i, my little one isn4t here yet7 - love her and can4t )ait to hold

her in my arms7 Harrison4s a ,amily man6 doing the baseball and cheerleading cam$s and soccer

$ractices in his mum mobile and LiamA our ,ounder – he4s setting the bar so high that -4m a,raid -4ll

never achieve )hat he has6 but - )ant it7 He4s the e#am$le o, )hat dreams are made o,6 ho) you can

change your $ath6 but still end u$ )here you started7

3e go out on stage6 Harrison to his drums6 Liam to the micro$hone )ith his guitar hanging on his hi$

and me to the keyboard7 - take out my harmonica ,rom my $ocket and get it ready7 Tonight6 )e4re

starting )ith Tobacco Sunset the song - )rote7 Lyrics6 ,or me6 are a struggle7 -t can take me months to

)rite a song6 but lately6 -4ve been )riting them once a )eek7 But this one is s$ecial7 - sing it to my Little

One every day and - sang it to &enna be,ore - kne) she )as $regnant7 Or maybe - did kno)7

Maybe that4s )hy - couldn4t get her out o, my head6 or my system7 Something )as $ulling me to her and

)hatever it )as6 )hether our daughter or 9ust li,e6 -4m ,ucking grate,ul7

Liam ste$s u$ to the mic and the cro)d roars7 - smile6 loving the vibrations they4re sending our )ay7 -

$lay a ,e) keys on the keyboard to get them going and make them cheer louder7

.!e) %ork6 ho) you doin4</

Liam4s $lay on )ords are his version o, &oey ,rom Friends7 &enna and - have been )atching the re$eats

lately7 She says )e4re Monica and 5handler6 but - tell her there4s no )ay -4m going to be kno)n as Bing7 -

called her my lobster7 My s)eet@li$$ed lobster )ho4s made 9ust ,or me7

.0112 3est is ha$$y to be here tonight7 nd right no) )e4re going to start you o,, )ith a little

something ,rom &(7 He4s been a busy man lately7/ - look at the back o, Liam and )onder )hat the ,uck

he4s talking about7 3hen Harrison hits his drums6 ba@dum@tsh6 - kno) something4s u$7

.Our little &( )ent and got himsel, all married and they4re having a baby and this song )e4re about to

$lay )as )ritten ,or his )i,e/ Liam yells into the micro$hone7 The cro)d eru$ts as anger and dread

)ash over me7 -t4s not that - didn4t )ant $eo$le to kno)6 but - didn4t )ant 5helsea to kno)7 -4m

thousands o, miles a)ay6 and )ill be ,or months6 and there4s no ,ucking )ay - can sto$ her ,rom ,inding

out7 Even though - have doubts that her child is mine6 she4ll still go o,, the dee$ end i, she4s convinced

hersel, that her baby is mine7



- $ress $lay and let the so,t melody lull me to slee$7 -, it )orks ,or the baby6 )hy can4t it )ork ,or me<

harmonica $lays7 He4s gone all out on this recording7

.Hello6 Little One6/ he says7 - can4t hel$ but smile at his )ords7 He4s not taking any chances and is makingsure the baby kno)s he4s talking to her7 .- had to go a)ay ,or a little )hile6 but )anted you to have your

song7 3ell6 actually it4s your mum4s song6 - 9ust haven4t been able to tell her about it yet7 - )rote this

song right a,ter your mum and - made you7 -t )as such a $er,ect night and - kne) right at that moment

that your mum had stolen my heart7 %ou are 9ust the added bonus7/ Ha$$y tears stream do)n my ,ace7 -

reach ,or my $hone6 only to remember that he4s on stage and )ill be calling me in a cou$le hours7 - can

)ait until then7 -t4ll be $ain,ul6 but )orth it7 3hat - need to say to him – needs to be done ,ace to ,ace –

it can4t be le,t on voicemail7

.Little One6 - love your mum and )ant you to be very nice to her )hile -4m a)ay7 3hen - get home6 it

)ill almost be time ,or you to make your entrance and )e can4t )ait to meet you7/ &immy starts singing7

-t4s the song he sang )hen - )as sick7 He said6 and - remember this clearly6 that his mom used to sing itto him )hen he )as sick7 He lied6 but -4ll ,orgive him6 this one time7

,ter )e set sail6 there4s gonna be storms

&ust don4t lose ,aith in me cause -4ll kee$ us on course

>emember this day6 it4s )ritten in the stars

3e4re on our )ay to ,orever6 girl6 it4s not that ,ar

-4ve never ,elt like this be,ore

- see our shi$ comin4 ,rom the shore

nd that hori*on in your eyes

-s like tobacco sunburst

-s this gonna last6 - )anna kno)

- gave you the key to my heart and it )as hard to let it go -4m stingy7 - can admit that7 3hile - should

have the head$hones on my stomach so she can hear her daddy sing to her6 -4m listening to them

instead7 -4ve had the song on re$eat ,or the last ,e) hours7

3hen he le,t6 he told me he loved me7 - didn4t say it back7 !ot because - don4t love him6 - do6 but -

thought it )as a knee@9erk reaction to the emotional moment )e )ere having7 This song tells meother)ise7

For a )hile -4ve 8uestioned )hy - married &immy7 -t )asn4t im$ulsive even though it seemed like it at the

time7 -t de,initely )asn4t his charm6 that4s )hat got us into this situation to begin )ith7 - married &immy

because - )anted to7 - )anted a ne) cha$ter in my li,e7 One that isn4t ,illed )ith ,ear and constantly

looking over my shoulder7 - never thought -4d ,ind someone to ,ill that void in my li,e6 but - have7 - kno)

getting married because you4re $regnant isn4t the smartest thing to do and )e may not last6 but ,or no)

-4m going to love him as long as he4ll allo) me to7

My $hone rings ,rom its resting s$ot – on to$ o, my ever@gro)ing stomach7 - hit ans)er and sigh7



.Hello6/ - say6 dreamily7

.Hey6 S)eet Li$s6 ho) are my girls< He4s turned on the charm and he4s not even here7 (amn that man7

.3e4re good7 &ust )aiting ,or you to call7 Ho) )as the sho)</

.-t )as great7 3e had a good cro)d7 They )ere really getting into it7 - need to tell you something

though7/

- can4t imagine )hat he4s about to say7 (id he go cra*y and 9um$ o,, the stage only to ,all onto the ,loor

because his ,ans didn4t catch him<

.3hat</ - choke out7

&immy sighs7 - imagine him running his hand over his $er,ect ,ace7 His ,ingers rubbing his soul,ul bro)n

eyes7 .LiamA -4m sorry &ennaA Liam told everyone that -4m married and having a baby7/

.3hat</ - cry out in relie,7 My heart $ounds and - s)ear i, - o$en my mouth )ide enough -4ll be able to

e#$el it onto the ,loor7 .That4s )hat you have to tell me</

.%eah6 )hy )hat did you think - )as going to say</

.!ot that6/ - say almost too e#citedly7

.Oh shit6 &enna6 you thought - )as going to tell you - ,ucked u$6 right< Seriously< ,ter the vo)s )e said

to each other</

.&immy6/ - try to interru$t7

.3e took those vo)s and - meant every ,ucking )ord o, them7/

.&immy</

.3hat</

.-4m sorry6/ - say6 laughing7 .&immy6 -4m sorry7 - love you and - 9ust thought you )ere going to tell me that

you cro)d sur,ed6 but only that the cro)d didn4t catch you7/

.%ou love me</ his voice is tender6 8uestioning7

- smile and nod6 not reali*ing he can4t see me7 .- should4ve told you be,ore you le,t7 -4m an idiot7/

.3ell - )on4t argue )ith you6 but you4re my idiot and you4re ,ucking se#y and beauti,ul and - miss thecra$ out o, you already7/

- start to laugh7 My husband6 the $oet7 .%ou have a )ay )ith )ords6 &immy7 S$eaking o,A - listened to

the song7/

.Hey That4s ,or the Little One7 -, you )anted a song you should4ve asked ,or one7 (on4t de$rive my child

o, me )hile -4m gone you evil )ench7/ &immy4s laughing so hard he snorts6 causing me to snort as )ell7

3e make a great $air7

.Little One</



Se#iest $ig7

.&enna</ - look over at Datelyn7 .&immy4s on the $hone7 Says it4s urgent7/ - roll my eyes7 He kno)s -4m

)orking7 - can4t imagine )hat )ould be so urgent7 .-4m sorry6 -4ll be right back a,ter - ,ind out )hat myhusband )ants6/ - say in a snotty tone7 That4s right6 asshole6 -4m married7

- $ick u$ the $hone and say hello7

He laughs7 .Hi S)eet Li$s7 - missed your voice so - )anted to say hi7/

.-4m )orking6 &immy7 - 9ust le,t a customer at table6 although he called me ,at7/

.Fuck that6 you4re ,ucking se#y and - miss you7/

.- miss you too7 Sky$e tonight</

.- don4t kno)6 )i,ey6 )ill you take o,, your shirt ,or me so - can see your tits</

.-ncorrigible6/ - say6 kno)ing -4ll do )hatever he asks o, me7

.%ou love me</

.%ou kno) - do and so does your Little One7/

.- miss you7 -4ll call you later7/ He hangs u$ be,ore - can say goodbye7 - don4t kno) )hat that call )as

about6 but it4s enough to $ut a smile on my ,ace7 - )alk back to my table )ith the asshole4s co,,ee6

ho$ing he4s ready to order7 Today might be the day that - actually s$it in someone4s ,ood7

.Sorry about that7/

.-4m sure you are7/

- roll my eyes and set do)n his co,,ee7 -4m not going to take his shit7 - don4t have to7 -, he4s not care,ul6

-4ll have one o, the kids )ill come )ait on him 9ust so - can see them $iss him o,,7

-, you need anything6 let me kno)7/

.E#cuse me6 Miss7/ -4m not t)o@ste$s a)ay be,ore he calls me back7 - turn and ,ree*e7 The $a$er is do)n

and this man is not 9ust any customer6 but (amien7

- look around to see i, anyone is )atching7 O, course6 no one is in sight7 My $ulse races )ith ,ear7

He kno)s -4m $regnant7 This is something he4s )anted7

.%ou4re ,at6 &enna7 %ou kno) that4s unacce$table7/

.%ou need to leave6 (amien7 There4s a )arrant ,or your arrest7 -, anyone see4s you6 they4ll call the co$s7/

- lie6 easily7

He sco,,s7 .-4m not a,raid o, your =odunk ,riend7/ He $oints to my belly7 .3hen did you turn into a

)hore</

.-4m married –/ - sto$ talking7 - don4t need to tell him anything7



.-4m coming ,or you6 don4t ,orget7/ Be,ore - can say anything he4s u$ and out the door7 His $a$er le,t

behind7 - ste$ ,or)ard and look7 -t4s a $icture o, &immy and - that )as taken on the street be,ore )e got

married7 There are slash marks and the )ord dead is )ritten all over it7

- reach to $ick it u$6 but it4s taken ,rom my hand 8uickly7 .Sorry6 - ,orgot my $a$er6/ (amien says as he

)alks out the door again7

-4E come home a day early to sur$rise 5helsea7 -t4s our three@year anniversary7 She thinks -4m going to

be on tour until the end o, the )eek6 but that )as a little )hite lie - told her7 -t4s all $art o, my master

$lan7 3e4re leaving tonight ,or a holiday in &amaica7 -4ve been $lanning this ,or months no)7 - )ant our

anniversary to be s$ecial7

Liam dro$s me o,, outside our house7 - get out and stare at the brick building7 - love this $lace7 The lights

are on so - kno) that she4s still a)ake7 3hen - s$oke to her earlier today6 she said she )as staying home

because the thought o, going out )ithout me )as $ure agony7 She likes to e#aggerate every no) and

again7 She4s never had a $roblem going out on her o)n be,ore6 but - get it6 es$ecially today7 3e )ant to

be together7

- unlock the door and $ut my bags do)n in the hall7 The house is 8uiet7 -4m ho$ing she4s not aslee$6

although i, she is6 - can4t understand )hy she4s le,t the lights on7

s - )alk do)n the hall6 the sound o, skin sla$$ing and moaning see$s ,rom our bedroom7 - rub my

hands together7 My bird is )atching $orn and is $robably getting really turned on by it7 She4s missed me7

- love this side o, her7 She likes to get kinky and -4m a very obliging $artner7 My early arrival is bound to

break the record ,or best sur$rise -4m@back6 did@you@miss@me<4 ever7

- turn the handle and o$en the door a little7 The sounds seem very li,elike and a lot louder7 She has the

T s)itched on )ith the volume turned u$ on ,ull@blast6 but - can still hear her moans7 - kno) the sounds

she makes and can tell she4s nearly coming7 - bend over and unlace my boots6 sli$$ing them o,, my ,eet7

My belt buckle is undone7 The buttons $ulled a)ay ,rom my 9eans7 My hand rubs my cock6 it4s hardening

the closer - get7

Everything moves in slo) motion as - )alk around the corner7 My ,iancCe is on her knees being ,ucked

,rom behind7 My eyes travel ,rom his nakedness over her body to her ,ace7 - can4t see her though

because the ,ace that - love so much is buried in another bastard4s crotch7

.3hat the ,ucking hell</ - shout loudly7 The three o, them sto$ suddenly and look at me7 5helsea4s eyes

)iden in horror as she realises she4s been caught )ith her $ants do)n7 Literally7 - do u$ my 9eans and



stare at the three o, them7 My eyes begin to ,ully assess the scene6 taking it in bit by bit7 She4s ,ucking

cheating on me7 nd in my ,ucking house6 no less7

.&immy6/ she says and her voice is laced )ith both e#haustion and nerves7

.(on4t say a ,ucking )ord7 %ou don4t need to e#$lain7/ - turn and )alk out6 $icking u$ my boots as - go7 -

don4t sto$ to $ut them on be,ore grabbing my suitcase and leaving7 - ,ish my keys out o, my bag and

head to my car7

.&immy6/ she screams7 - look u$ to ,ind her outside in a t@shirt6 one that is barely covering her backside7

Her t)o ,riends ,ollo) out behind her and leave )ithout saying anything7

- o$en the door and thro) my bag in7 - don4t kno) )here -4ll go6 $robably to my dad4s or even a hotel7 -

can4t go to Liam4s $lace and Harrison lives too ,ar a)ay7

.&immy )ait/ - don4t ackno)ledge her and she doesn4t take that as a sign7 She runs over to me andgrabs my arm7 - shake her o,,7 .- can e#$lain7/

- close my eyes7 Those are the )ords - don4t )ant to hear7 .>eally< %ou can e#$lain )hy - 9ust )alked

into my house and ,ound my ,iancCe being ,ucked by not one6 but t)o men< 3hat ha$$ened6 5helsea6

did they 9ust ha$$en to ,all into your mouth and cunt</

.&immy6/ she )hines7

3hen - look at her again6 she4s not 5helsea7 Her blonde hair has been changed to red7 Her bro)n eyes

are no) green7 Blood dri$s do)n her ,ace like tears7 She o$ens her mouth to s$eak6 but nothing comes

out7 - look at this strange )oman and my )orst ,ears come to li,e7

- a)ake suddenly7 My shirt is soaked )ith s)eat7 - look around6 taking in my surroundings7 The )alls ,eel

like they4re closing in7 - reach ,or &enna6 ,eeling ,or her body so - can hold her and realise that -4m on the

bus and -4m still on tour7 - sit u$ and s)ing my legs over the side6 ho$ing to regulate my breathing7

-t )as a nightmare7 3hy - )as dreaming about 5helsea6 - don4t kno)6 but seeing &enna at the end –

that ,ucking scared the shit out o, me7 - kno) she4d never cheat on me6 but this dream means

something7 - look at the clock and calculate the time di,,erence7 -t4s three a7m7 in Beaumont6 but - don4t

care7 - need to hear her voice7 - need to kno) that her and Little One are okay7

- dial her number and )ait7 -t rings ,ive6 si# and seven times be,ore she ,inally $icks u$7 .Hello6/ she says6

groggily7 - kno) -4ve )oken her6 but - need this ,or my sanity7

.Hi6 )i,ey7/ - close my eyes and )ait7

.3hat4s )rong6 &immy</

.!othing6 - hadA had a dream and - needed to hear your voice and make sure that you and the bub are

okay7/

.3e4re ,ine6 but no) you have me )orried7 re you okay</



- lie back in bed and cover my eyes )ith my arm7 .- am no) that -4ve heard your voice7 - miss you6 &enna7

- didn4t think this tour )ould be so hard6 but it is7 - don4t kno) ho) Liam and Harrison are handling it6

but -4m ,alling a$art7/

.(o you )ant me to come see you</

The thought o, having &enna here )ith me6 even i, it4s ,or a )eekend6 is enticing7 She didn4t come on

tour )ith us last summer and $art o, me is grate,ul about that7 - )ouldn4t have been able to control

mysel, around her6 but - also )ouldn4t )ant to embarrass her in ,ront o, &osie7

.-4d love that7 - )ant you here6 even i, it4s ,or a ,e) days7/

.Okay6 &immy7/

- tell her )here )e are going to be and hel$ her book her ticket online7 This time tomorro) she4ll be in

my arms and )on4t have to leave unless -4m on stage7 3hen )e hang u$6 - dial the number o, the other)oman )ho has been on my mind7

.Morning6 Mum7/

.&immy< Ho) lovely to hear your voice7 Ho) are you</

Hearing the e#citement in my mum4s voice makes me ha$$y7 Since - )as eight and realised ho) $oorly

my dad treated her6 ho) uninterested he )as in having a ,amily6 she4s not only been my mum6 but my

best ,riend7

.-4m okay7/

.re you sure< %ou don4t sound okay6 )hat4s )rong</ This is e#actly )hy - called her7 She kno)s )hensomething is bothering me7 Blame it on motherly instinct or 9ust being an ama*ing $erson7

Either )ay6 my mum can ,i# anything7

.- miss &enna and - miss touching her belly every day7/

.-t4s ama*ing6 isn4t</

.3hat is</

.3atching your )i,e gro) and look a,ter your child inside o, her7/ - look at the $hoto o, &enna that -

have stuck to the )all7 This room is so small and -4ve had to ,or,eit the bedside table to dis$lay $hotos

on7 This $icture )as taken o, us on the beach in Bora Bora7

My hand rests on her belly7 Her hand is cu$$ing my cheek7 3e didn4t $ose ,or this7 $asserby caught us

in a moment )ith their camera and asked i, they could send us the image7 -4m grate,ul that they did

because it4s a reminder o, )hy -4m turning my li,e around7

.-t4s not 9ust that6 mum7 - sing to Little One and she calms do)n7 She kicks &enna terribly in the morning

and my singing )as hel$ing that7 - ,eel like -4m ,ailing them both by not being there7/

.Little One</



- can4t hel$ but smile7 -4ve al)ays used nicknames6 but they4re never normally s$ecial or meaning,ul7 !ot

until - met &enna6 that is7 She brings out the best in me7

.That4s )hat - call herA the baby7 - think she likes it7/

.-4m sure she does6 you4re her daddy7/ My mum sighs7 .- can4t believe you4re going to be a ,ather6

&immy7/

.- kno)6 mum6 but this is a good thing7 - love &enna7 She4s makes me a better $erson and - really can4t

see mysel, )ithout her6 even i, )e )eren4t having a baby7 - )as al)ays trying to ,ind )ays to talk to her

and be around her7/

.nd )hat about ho) you ,elt about 5helsea</

- close my eyes and my nightmare ,lashes be,ore me7 -t4s not so much that -4m reliving that day6 but

more the ending6 seeing &enna )ith blood on her ,ace that ,reaks me out7 - kno) her e# is out there6lurking7 - can ,eel it6 but -4m a,raid to say anything to her7 - don4t )ant to $ut the ,ear o, God in her i, he4s

not around7 But my instincts are telling me he4s not done yet7 He4ll be back7

.5helsea )as a distraction7 - never sa) mysel, having kids6 more like living this rock star li,estyle7

- sa) her more like a tro$hy )i,e7 - kne) that she4d be the )i,e that s$ends all day at the s$a getting

$am$ered and making sure she looked $er,ect7/

.re you saying &enna4s not like that</

- rub my hand over my ,ace and through my hair7 -t4s due ,or a cut so - can make my Moha)k stand u$

again or maybe -4ll sur$rise her and get it done be,ore - see her7 Maybe - can talk &enna into cutting my

hair )hen she4s here7 - kne) my comments about 5helsea )ould be taken out o, conte#t6 but - also

kno) my mum )on4t re$eat )hat -4ve told her7

.-t4s not like that mum7 3hen - look at &enna6 - see a ,uture )ith her7 - see home and )armth7

&enna4s nothing like 5helsea7 She doesn4t care about the ,ame and ,ortune7 She 9ust )ants to be loved

and - )ant to love her until she tells me that -4m not )orthy o, her7/

.Oh6 &immy6 - don4t think she4ll do that7/

- ho$e not6 - )ant to say7

.- really miss her7 - rang her be,ore - rang you and )oke her u$7 - need to see her so she4s going to ,ly out

and come and see me tomorro)7 -4m not going to be able to last three more months )ithout being )ith

her and holding her7 God6 mum6 - need to touch her tummy and talk to Little One so she kno)s - haven4t

abandoned her7/ My voice breaks7 - bite my li$ to kee$ my emotions in check7

.&immy6 you4re not your ,ather7 - brought you u$ to be better than him7/

.- kno)7/

.&ust love her and -4m sure she4ll love you back7 - kno) that - can4t )ait to meet her and hold my

granddaughter7/



.Little One is going to be beauti,ul7 -4m ho$ing she has red hair like &enna7/

.She4ll be beauti,ul7 %ou4re going to have a beauti,ul ,amily and you should be $roud o, that7/

.- am7/

s soon as - hang u$6 - start counting the minutes until &enna4s here7 - don4t kno) i, it4s sa,e ,or $regnant

)omen to ,ly6 but - think she4d tell me i, it )asn4t7 -, she can4t come here6 -4ll 9ust ,ly to her7

!ot seeing her isn4t going to )ork ,or me7

- ,eel like -4m being )atchedA or ,ollo)ed6 )hich is the stu$idest thing ever6 since -4m )alking in a

cro)ded air$ort )ith hundreds6 maybe even thousands o, $eo$le7 But - can4t hel$ but ,eel eyes boring

into the back o, my head7 -, - sto$ and look around6 eyes ,ollo) me6 no doubt )ondering )hat )ould

$ossess the $regnant )oman to suddenly sto$ in the middle o, the )alk)ay and look behind her

re$eatedly7

Everyone rushes by6 shoulders bum$ing into mine as they $ass7 ,e) $eo$le grunt and even give me adirty look6 but - kno) someone is thereA here6 )atching me7 My body can ,eel eyes roaming all over it

and it makes the hair on the back o, my neck stand on end7 - turn back and )alk to)ard the e#it7 &immy

)ill be )aiting7 - 9ust need to get there7 My $ace 8uickens6 short o, a ,ull on 9og7 n#iety increases6 my

skin – it itches as i, a s$ider is cra)ling on it7 s soon as - see the doors6 -4m running7 - look back in time

to see someone – a man – turn 8uickly7 He4s )earing a dark hat that covers his ,ace and a non@descri$t

trench coat7

- turn back to the door and ste$ out7 Freedom7 =eace7 &immy is standing against a black car )ith dark

tinted )indo)s6 much like you see on television7 -4m ,reaking 5inderella right no) and my =rince is

staring at me7 Ga)king6 really7 His legs are crossed at his ankles7 His le,t hand in his $ocket7

-n his right6 he holds a sign – S)eet Li$s – is )ritten in big red letters7 - stand back and take in everything

about him7 - a$$raise him7 Memori*e him7 My teeth ,ind my lo)er li$ as he shakes his head and smiles7

He kno)s -4m checking him out7 His hair stands on his head6 the sides shaved7 His Moha)k is back6 thank

God7 He laughs and looks do)n at the ground be,ore looking back at me )ith those eyesA the eyes that

say you kno) you )ant me6 and he4s right - do7 Being $regnant has its $erks se#ually7 - )ant it6 him6 all

the time7 He4s making me insatiable7 He4s teaching me to en9oy )hat he can do to my body7

My mind tells my body to move ,or)ard6 even though my eyes )ant me to stand here and )atch him7

His hand comes out o, his $ocket and he dangles a necklace ,rom his ,ingers7 -t s)ays back and ,orth

until - hold out my hand to sto$ it7 diamond locket rests in my hand7 He slides it a)ay ,rom me6 only to



reach around my neck and clas$ it7 His hands linger at the back o, my neck6 his ,ingers $ushing into my

hair7 - kne) - loved this man6 but thisA this hammers it home7

.-4ve missed you6 )i,ey6/ he says as his li$s gra*e mine7 -t4s not enough6 but )e4re in $ublic and he has animage to kee$ u$7

.-4ve missed you too7/

&immy $laces his li$s to mine6 but $ulls a)ay too 8uickly7 .Hey7/ He chuckles6 $lacing his hand on our

daughter7 .Let4s go7/ He $ulls my hand into his and o$ens the car door6 allo)ing me to slide in be,ore

him7 Once he4s in and the car is in tra,,ic6 his hands are all over me7

.- ,ucking need you6/ he says as his teeth ni$ into my skin7 - never thought about ho) much alone time

)e4d get )hile -4m here7 The guys travel by bus and since none o, the ,amilies are )ith them they

haven4t been staying in hotels this time around7

&immy rests his head on my shoulder7 - snuggle into him6 a,raid to let go7 - close my eyes and lean into

him7 He can make all my demons go a)ay7 - haven4t seen or heard ,rom (amien since that day in

3himsicality7 -s it too much to ho$e that something has ha$$ened to him and -4ll never see him again<

.3hen did you cut your hair</

.%esterday6 a,ter - ,inished talking to you and then my mum7 - remembered that you mentioned it in

Bora Bora and - thought6 )hat can - do to drive my missus cra*y< -4m ho$ing this is it7/

.- love it and - love you6 &immy7/

.- love you6 &enna and - love our daughter7 - )ant to give you the )orld7 - kno) )e got married 8uickly6

but - ,eel like -4ve kno)n you my entire li,e7 nd the )ay you )ere so obviously checking me out back

thereA - can4t )ait to get you onto the bus and have my )icked )ay )ith you7/ - roll my eyes6 shaking

my head at him7 .%ou4re so rotten7/

.But you love me7/

That - do7

.ST!( right here7 %ou4ll be able to see Harrison and Liam6 but -4m on the other side so you4ll only be

able to stare at my arse7/

.&immy6/ - say6 hitting his shoulder7

.3hat</ He leans in7 .(o you remember digging your nails into it earlier today telling me to take you

harder and ,aster</

!o6 - don4t need that reminder7 The reenactment is $laying like a dirty $orn cli$ over and over again7

>euniting )ith him )as everything - )anted it to be and more7

.%es - remember7/

.3e remember too6 >omeo6/ Liam says as he $asses by7 - sti,le a laugh6 as &immy turns red7 - never

thought -4d see the day )here &immy (avis blushes ,rom embarrassment6 but no) - have7 My )orst ,ear

came true )hen )e got to the bus7 Harrison6 Liam and Tyler )ere all there7 They all snickered )hen



&immy $ulled me do)n the aisle and into his room7 3hen )e came out6 Liam mimicked &immy6

com$lete )ith a British accent7

.Fuck o,,6 mate6/ &immy says as he $ulls me closer7

.Time to go on6/ Harrison says6 sto$$ing ne#t to me7 He leans do)n and kisses me on the cheek7

.-t4s really too bad you couldn4t bring Datelyn7 Maybe you ladies need to alternate )eeks so )e can get

some service u$ in this $iece7/

.-4ll tell her )hen - get back7/ Harrison )inks and )alks a)ay7 - lean into &immy and kiss him7

.Good luck and have ,un7/

.- )ill no) that - kno) you4re )aiting ,or me7/ He kisses me be,ore taking the stage7 &immy stands ne#t

to his keyboard7 On one side is his guitar7 He hasn4t said much about his ,ather6 but - kno) )ho he is7

Everyone does7 -4m assuming he4s learned to $lay these instruments ,rom his dad6 although - can4t be

sure7 Some $eo$le are musically inclined7 They4re gi,ted7

The music starts and the cro)d eru$ts7 %ou4d think they4ve all 9ust )oken ,rom a )inter4s slumber )ith

ho) 8uiet they )ere6 but no) the noise level is dea,ening7

- look over at the guys and take in their $resence7 This is my ,irst time seeing them on stage like this7 -t4s

magical7 !o )onder )e4ve all ,allen ,or rock stars7 They command the stage6 even &immy6 )ho is sim$ly

$laying the $iano7 He o)ns it7 -t4s $art o, him7 My eyes )ander to Harrison7 -4ve listened to Datelyn

describe )hat it4s like to )atch Harrison6 but to actually see it7 To ,eel the drumbeat rise ,rom the ,loor

and )ash over your body is indescribable7

Liam )alks over to me and $lays his guitar ,or me7 The cro)d6 someho)6 becomes louder7 He )inks and

)alks back to the micro$hone to sing7 - start to s)ay6 moving to the music )hile )atching &immy7 He

s)itches ,rom the $iano to the guitar to the harmonica7

3hen the ,amiliar sounds o, Little One4s song starts6 my hand immediately goes to her7 She $ushes

against me7 - $ush back6 letting her kno) that yes6 it4s her daddy6 and he4s about to $lay it ,or her7

Hearing Liam sing the song that &immy sings ,or our daughter is di,,erent6 but - like it7 His voice is $er,ect

and it4s clear )hy he4s the singer7 - still $re,er &immy4s voice6 but hearing Liam takes it to a )hole ne)

level7

- look out into the cro)d7 There are mostly )omen and a ,e) men6 no doubt brought by their signi,icant

others7 That seems a bit a)k)ard6 these )omen yelling everything they can think to get the guys4

attention and their men 9ust standing by aimlessly7 "nless o, course they like 0112 3est then it4s not

strange at all7

s - scan the ,irst ,e) ro)s6 smiling as - do6 my ga*e lands on him6 the man ,rom the air$ort7 He hasn4t

bothered to change7 He4s still )earing the same hat and trench coat7 - close my eyes and shake out the

cob)ebs7 -4m 9ust tired7 -4m seeing things7 But )hen - o$en them6 he4s still there6 staring at the stage7 -

try to ,ollo) his line o, vision6 but can4t7 He4s either ,ocused on Liam or &immy7

-t4s &immy )ho he4s staring at7 3hy< 3hy )as this man ,ollo)ing me in the air$ort and no) boring

do)n on my husband<



(amien

- try to inch closer6 but the bodyguard sto$s me7 -4m not to come out on stage7 -4m to stay behind the

curtain ,or my o)n sa,ety7 But - need to see7 - need to kno)7 -s (amien here< Ho) did he ,ind me in theair$ort and ho) the hell did he make it to the ,ront o, the stage )ithout being noticed<

The an#iety - had earlier is no) back in droves7 My $alms itch and my skin ,eels like there4s a thousand

needles trying to get in or out6 it doesn4t matter7 -t4s driving me nuts7

.re you okay6 Mrs7 (avis</ the bodyguard asks7 - look do)n and see my nails digging into my arms7

(amien4s here7 He4s )earing a trench coat to a rock concert7 3ho does that<

He does because he4s here to cause harm7 -nstantly6 the image o, the de,aced ne)s$a$er article that -

sa) him )ith that time in 3himsicality comes back to me7 - look around6 ,rantically7 - ste$ to)ard the

stage6 only to be sto$$ed by a large arm7

.Mrs7 (avis6 )hat4s )rong</

- $oint to (amien )ho is no) closer to the stage7 The bodyguard shakes his head6 he doesn4t

understand7

.He4s my e#6/ - say6 barely audible7 He leans do)n so - re$eat mysel,7 He turns and looks to )here -4m

$ointing7 His body goes rigid7 He moves in ,ront6 trying to shield me6 but - move7 - need to see7

The bodyguard says something into his hand7 Men move to)ard (amien7

.Gun6/ - say6 as - tug on his shirt7 .Gun6/ - yell louder7

(amien raises the gun and $oints it at &immy )ho doesn4t have a clue )hat4s going on7 !either do Liamand Harrison7 They4re $laying6 as they should be7

- get $ast the bodyguard and run onto stage7 The cro)d yells louder7 Liam sto$s me6 $lacing his arm

around me7 - beat on his arm7 - kick and scream in his ear7 .Gun6 Liam/ He looks at me )ith utter

con,usion7

&immy dro$s to the ground7 My ears ,eel like they4ve been ,illed )ith cotton and there4s a $anicked

scream bursting out o, my chest7 My ,eet are heavy6 but - need to run to him7 - need to be there )ith

him7 3ith my husband7

Liam turns in slo) motion6 dro$$ing his guitar to his side6 the dissonance ringing out over the sound

system7 Strong arms $ick me u$ ,rom behind and carry me a)ay ,rom my husband7 The roar o, thecro)d is dea,ening6 but the only sound - can ,ocus on is the rush o, blood through veins in my tem$les7 -

scream out ,or &immy as Liam and Harrison rush to his side7

Lights come on and $eo$le start screaming7 The cro)d4s so loud no one can hear me7 .=ut me do)n6/ -

yell6 kicking )hoever is carrying me7 -4m set on my ,eet and the moment -4m touching the ground6 -4m

running back to &immy6 my heart $ounding against my ribcage7

.&immy/ - scream6 but Harrison is there to sto$ me7

.Let me go6 Harrison/



He )ra$s his arms around me6 holding me tight to his chest7 He leans do)n7 .5alm do)n6 s)eetheart6

think about the baby7 Let the $aramedics )ork on &(7/

.He4s been shot7/ - don4t remember crying6 but there are hot streaks running do)n my cheeks and$ooling into his t@shirt7

.- kno)7 - kno)6/ he says6 running his hand u$ and do)n my back7 The gesture that4s meant to be

soothing only serves to agitate me more7 He4s holding me back7

.He needs me7/

.>ight no)6 he needs them more6 &enna7/ He $ulls back and cu$s my tear@laden ,ace7 .He needs them6

okay< They need to hel$ him7/

Harrison4s eyes6 the ones that are al)ays calm as still )ater6 are ,rantic and dark7 - $ress my hand to my

chest as something inside me breaks7

.-s he going to be okay</ -4m unraveling6 like t)ine ,rom a s$ool6 ,alling a)ay ,rom mysel, into dis9ointed

$ieces6 tangled and messy7

Harrison looks over his shoulder and back at me7 .- don4t kno)7/ - ,all into his arms6 clutching at his shirt

as sob a,ter sob rolls through my body7 My e# has done the unthinkable and there isn4t anything - can do

to hel$7 Harrison $ulls me o,, stage )hen the $aramedics $ass by )ith &immy7

- love having my missus here7 -t4s like - have a ne) energy ,lo)ing through me7 Being on stage has

al)ays been a high ,or me6 but no)6 kno)ing she4s 9ust o,, the stage )atching me $er,orm takes it to a

)hole ne) level7 The only thing -4d change is our stage set@u$7 - )ant to be near her so - can )atch her

all night and not the cro)d7 These )omen out there – the ones )ho are )earing shirts that are t)o si*es

too small< The ones )ho used to do it ,or me and ,loat my boat< They don4t even com$are to &enna7

- glance at &enna as o,ten as - can7 Liam is doing a bloody e#cellent 9ob at kee$ing her entertained6 but i,

-4m honest6 - )ish it )as me being the ,ront@man today7 - need it to be me7 Maybe tonight -4ll give &enna

her o)n $ersonal sho)7 - can $lay her body like a $iano and make it sing7 That4s i, - can get her to

undress ,or me again7 - got a little carried a)ay )hen )e got back to the tour bus6 but - couldn4t hel$

mysel,7 My dick has a mind o, its o)n )hen it comes to her and he )anted to be buried dee$ inside o,

her7 He didn4t care that my band mates )ere sitting a ,e) ,eet outside the room7 He )anted her6 and

-4m not one to deny him and his needs7



-4m a no@one )ithout &enna7 - should tell her this6 but ,inding the right )ords to do so is $retty much

im$ossible7 dmitting my ,eelings to her6 albeit suddenly6 has been such a relie,7 -t4s like )e4ve been

together ,or years no) and not 9ust months7 3ith her at my side6 - kno) -4m going to be a better $erson6

lover and musician7 She makes me ,eel like - can con8uer anything - $ut my mind to7

Taking out my harmonica6 - start the beginning o, Tobacco Sunburst and take a sneak $eek over my

shoulder7 &enna4s hand is on her tummy6 her ,ingers dancing along7 - )ink6 but kno) she can4t see me7

- )asn4t $lanning on telling her that the song - sang to her )hen she told everyone she )asn4t ,eeling

very )ell )as one that she ins$ired7 - should4ve kno)n she4d listen to it as soon as - )ent out o, to)n7

-4ve been so 8uiet )hen singing to Little One because - didn4t )ant her mum to hear7 She4s sneaky6 that

one7

Liam belts out the lyrics as Harrison adds the beat7 - look out to the cro)d 8uickly be,ore bringing my

harmonica back to my mouth7 - think the only thing that can make me ha$$ier right no) is to hold LittleOne in my arms7 -4m not going to be a,raid to hold her like some men are7 -4m e#cited7 - can4t )ait to

have her snuggled into my neck )hile - rock her to slee$7 -4m going to be a hands@on dad6 -4ll do

everything &enna needs me to do6 even the disgusting stu,, that involves na$$ies and shit7

=ain suddenly ri$s through my chest7 Hot6 searing and torturous7 - try to move my hand to touch the

throbbing6 but - can4t7 -t4s immobile6 dangling uselessly at my side7 - look do)n at my shirt and see a )et

red s$ot ,orming7 - hear screaming behind me7 &enna7 -t4s her voice7

My head rests on the stage7 Ho) did - get here<

My eyes look at the man standing in ,ront o, me7 - kno) him ,rom some)here7 - try to reach out to him6

but he turns6 leaving me7

.Holy ,uck6 &(7/ Liam says6 hovering over me7 The stage lights behind him make it look as though he4s

glo)ing and there are black s$ots dancing in ,ront o, my eyes7 - don4t like this ne) lighting e,,ect7

.Somebody get the mother,ucking $aramedics here6/ Harrison yells7

=aramedics< -s &enna okay< - look ,or her6 my eyes searching the stage6 but - can4t see her7

.3hA/

.Hold on6 man7/

- don4t kno) )hat the ,uck he means7 Hold on<

Everything starts turning black7 Someone is closing the curtains6 but the sho)4s not over7 My songA -

didn4t ,inish it7

The screaming dulls into a hushed roar7 Thank God because it )as ,ucking hurting my head7 - think -

need a co,,ee or something7 -4m so tired7

- look at Liam and smile7 He4s my best ,riend6 my brother7

.(on4t you ,ucking leave me6 &(7 %ou ,ight7 %ou have a )i,e and daughter on the )ay7 (o you hear me6

man< %ou ,ucking ,ight to stay )ith us7/



3here am - going<

H>>-SO! rushes us ,rom the venue and into the )aiting car7 - don4t kno) ho) the driver kno)s6 but he

does7 Once the door is shut6 )e4re s$eeding behind the ambulance7 The very one that is trans$orting my

husband7

Harrison holds me against him7 His leg bounces u$ and do)n7 The edge o, his $hone is $ressed against

his li$s7 -s he )aiting ,or a call< 5allA - need to call &immy4s mom6 but )hat do - say< - don4t even have

her number7

- sit u$ in a $anic7 My breathing becomes erratic7

.3hoa6 )hat4s )rong< %ou have to calm do)n6 &enna7/

.His momA she4s inA/ - shake my head6 reali*ing that - don4t kno) )here his mom is7 - don4t kno)

anything about his ,amily7

.She lives in London7 -4ll call her ,or you7/ nd 9ust like that Harrison comes to my rescue7 - ,eel like sucha moron ,or not kno)ing7 s his )i,e - should kno) these things7 Like his blood ty$e6 - don4t kno) that7

3hat i, he needs a trans,usion<

Be,ore - kno) it6 Harrison is o$ening the door and tugging at my hand7 He $ulls me through the glass

doors and to the nurses4 station7

.Hi6 e#cuse me7 The ambulance 9ust brought in my husband7/

.Have a seat6/ the nurse says )ithout looking u$7 Harrison $uts his arm around me and tries to direct me

to a chair6 but - hold onto the counter7

.&enna6 give them a ,e) minutes7 Let4s ,ind Liam7/

Harrison4s demeanor is calm )here -4m ,reaking out on the inside7 -4m about to scream and $ull at my

hair7 My e#@husband has shotA he ,reaking shot my husband7 - don4t kno) )here (amien is no)6 but

he4s out there and $robably )aiting to ,inish the 9ob7 -, he hasn4t already succeeded7

- kne) - should4ve le,t the minute (amien ,irst sho)ed u$ at the ca,C7 -4ve $ut everyone in danger and

no) &immy is some)here in this hos$ital7 - don4t kno) i, he4s dead or alive7 3hy can4t the nurse 9ust tell

me )hat they4re doing< They must kno)6 right<

3e )alk do)n random halls7 - see $aramedics and )onder i, they4re the ones that brought in &immy7

They look at me as - $ass6 their eyes ,ull o, sorro)7 - can4t imagine )hat they see on a daily basis7



.E#cuse me6/ - say6 sto$$ing Harrison ,rom )alking any ,arther7 .(id you bring my husband in</

.3ho4s your husband</ the lady asks6 looking at her cli$board7

.&immy (avis6/ Harrison ans)ers be,ore - can7 .He )as shot )hile on stage tonight7 Our ,riend came

)ith him7/

The lady looks over her cli$board and shakes her head7 My heart dro$s a bit ,urther into the $it o, my

stomach7

.Try do)n the hall that )ay6/ she $oints ahead o, us7 .That4s the critical )ing and i, he )as shot6 he4s

likely there7/

Harrison doesn4t )ait ,or more instructions be,ore he4s $ulling me behind him7 3e turn the corner and -

gas$6 my hand ,lying u$ to cover my mouth )hen - see Liam leaning against the )all7 He4s covered in

blood7

&immy4s blood7

.Liam6/ Harrison says7 He looks u$ and that $atented smile he has ,or his ,riends is gone7 -t4s re$laced

)ith so much $ain6 more than )hen &osie )as dismissing him )hen he ,irst came back to to)n7 Tears

rush to my eyes as - take in the sight be,ore me7 Liam looks broken7

.Liam</ my voice breaks7 He doesn4t ackno)ledge my silent 8uestion6 but $ulls me into a hug7 He holds

me tight6 his tears dam$ening my neck7 - don4t )ant to take his tears as a sign6 but - can4t hel$ but think

my husband is gone7

- $ull a)ay and cover my eyes6 )i$ing a)ay the tears7 .(id heA is heA/ - choke on my )ords as strong

arms kee$ me ,rom ,alling to the ground7 - can4t kee$ the tears at bay any longer7 &immy and - )ere 9ust

starting to build a li,e together and no) it4s gone7

.He4s in surgery6 &enna7 - don4t kno) anything else until they come and ,ind us7/ - look u$ 8uickly7

.Surgery< That4s good6 right</

Liam shrugs7 .- don4t kno)6 but he lost a lot o, blood and )asn4t conscious7/

.Oh God6/ - cry7

.5ome on6 let4s go sit do)n7/ Harrison has to drag me a)ay7 - don4t kno) i, &immy is behind that door or

i, Liam 9ust sto$$ed there6 but - don4t )ant to leave7 3hat i, &immy needs me< - don4t )ant to be too ,ar

a)ay ,rom him7

The guys lead me to a )aiting room7 -t4s much smaller and 8uieter than the one )e )ere directed to

)hen )e ,irst came in7 - sit do)n and melt into the couch7 (ee$ do)n - kno) it4s not com,ortable6 but -

have a ,eeling my body kno)s )e4re going to be here ,or a long time7 - )on4t leave &immy4s side7

.-4m going to go make some $hone calls6/ Harrison says6 $lacing a kiss on my ,orehead7 .-4ll bring back

some co,,ee7/ - )atch him )alk a)ay7 He gets about hal,)ay ,rom us and ,alls against the )all7

%ou can see the sobs take over his body7 -t sli$s my mind sometimes that &immy has another ,amily a)ay

,rom Little One and me7



.-4m sorry6 Liam7/

He looks u$ at me6 his eyes gla*ed )ith tears7 .3hat on earth are you sorry ,or</ - take a dee$ breath7

.For bringing (amien into your lives7 - should4ve le,t )hen he sho)ed u$7 - kne) he )as dangerous andno) &immy4s in surgery and - don4t even kno) i, he4s going to make it6 and it4s all because o, me7/ My

voice cracks at the end6 my body s$lintering6 shattering7 - don4t kno) ho) to kee$ it all in7

Liam $ulls me into his arms6 rubbing my shoulder7 .=eo$le are sick6 &enna7 %ou can4t $redict )hat they4re

going to do7 This could4ve easily been me i, Sam )as around7 - love you like a sister and am so thank,ul

that you $ushed &osie back to me6 so don4t ever be sorry7 %ou didn4t ask ,or this7/ Liam turns to)ard me

so he can look at me7 .-4m a man blessed )ith a lot7 - have the love o, my li,e6 my son6 my career and my

,amily – that includes you6 &immy6 Datelyn6 the girls6 Kuinn and Harrison7 3ithout these things in my li,e6

-4m nothing7 Each one o, you gives me something to look ,or)ard to7 %ou – you4re the one )ho not only

makes my )i,e smile6 but you gave one o, my best ,riends a ne) li,e7 (on4t be sorry6 &enna6 be

determined to bring that ,ucker4s ass do)n ,or doing this to our ,amily7/

-4m s$eechless7 -4ve never had ,riends like &osie and Liam be,ore7 They4re rare gems and )hen you mi# in

Datelyn and Harrison6 Liam4s right7 3e4re a ,amily7

- lean into Liam and close my eyes7 His hand returns to my shoulder6 holding me there6 giving me the

com,ort that - need7 - ho$e that - can o,,er him a little bit o, su$$ort7 - kno) he4s hurting6 )e both are6

each in our o)n )ay7

.Hello</

.Sorry to call so early6 but the sho$ is closed today7/

- sit u$ and look at the clock – it4s ,our a7m7 .3hat4s )rong6 &osie</

.-t4sA oh God &enna6 MasonA he )as in an accident and heA/ - s)allo) hard and hold my breath7 -

kno) she4s going to deliver the )orst ne)s ever7 -4m su$$osed to kee$ the girls overnight so he can

sur$rise Datelyn )ith dinner7 He said that during ,ootball season he loses his romantic side and needs as

much hel$ as $ossible7

.&osie</

.He4s gone6 &enna7 Oh God6 he4s gone7/ Silent tears ,all as - listen to &osie cry on the $hone7 - don4t kno)

)hat to do7 -4ve never been ,aced )ith death7 &osie6 Datelyn and Mason are my only ,riends7

.-4m on my )ay7 3here do - go</

.- don4tA - caA/

.3here are you</

.Datelyn4s6/ she says through a shuddering breath7

.-4m on my )ay7/ - hang u$ and immediately cross my arms over my chest and hold mysel,7 He can4t be

gone7 He4s the only guy - can trust7 He kno)s everything about me and - didn4t even have to tell him7 He

9ust kne)7 He said he4d $rotect me and no) he4s gone7



- move around my a$artment as i, on auto$ilot7 -4m going to $ut on a brave ,ace ,or everyone7 -4ll be

their rock6 as they have been ,or me7

- $ick u$ the $icture o, all o, us that )e took last year7 !oah and the t)ins )ere so small7 - can4t eventhink about )hat it4ll be like ,or Datelyn no)7

.Here6/ Harrison says6 holding a cu$ o, co,,ee7 - kno) it4s not good ,or the baby6 but - re,use to slee$7 -

need to kno) my husband is okay be,ore - close my eyes7 - take the $a$er cu$ ,rom him and sit u$7 -

)i$e at my cheek6 trying to rub a)ay the make@u$ running do)n my ,ace7 - look around brie,ly6 and see

a ,e) more $eo$le in this room )aiting7 re they all here ,or the same reason6 or something di,,erent< -t

makes me )onder )ho is here because o, a car accident or another shooting7

They ha$$en more in the city than in a $lace like Beaumont7 But - can guarantee you6 0112 3est never

thought they4d be $art o, a shooting during one o, their sho)s7

.- called the girls6 they4re on their )ay7 Mr7 =o)ell is going to stay )ith the kids7 - also asked Gary to geta charter $lane so they can get here ,aster7/

Liam nods7 - kno) he )ants to hold &osie and - can4t imagine )hat4s going through Datelyn4s mind7

She4s been in this $osition be,ore and as much as - love her6 - )ant a di,,erent outcome7 t the end o,

the day - )ant to go home )ith my husband by my side7 - )ant 9ust a little bit o, ha$$iness6 es$ecially ,or

Little One7 She needs to kno) her dad7

- si$ my co,,ee gingerly7 -t4s something to settle my stomach6 but - kno) -4ll need ,ood even i, -4m not

hungry7 5rackers – those )ill have to do – until - kno) &immy4s going to be okay7 - can4tA - )on4t leave

his side until - kno)7

3e sit in silence7 The television is sho)ing the nightly ne)s7 Liam curses )hen the ne)scaster talks

about the shooting at the concert7 -4m sure this is a $ublic relations nightmare ,or Gary7 He4ll $robably

tell &immy to ditch the e#tra baggage and take my baby a)ay ,rom me7 &immy )ouldn4t do that though6

right<

.Mrs7 (avis</

- look u$ )hen my name4s called7 - stand on shaky legs6 only to be ,lanked by Liam and Harrison7

.That4s me6/ - say7

.Go ahead and have a seat6/ the doctor says as he sits do)n across ,rom us7 3e sit back do)n7 - can4t

look at the doctor7 -nstead - ,ocus on the ring on my ,inger and the )ay &immy looked )hen he $ut it

there7

.%our husband is in critical condition7 The bullet entered ,rom the right6 $assed through both lungs and

e#ited on the le,t7 He sustained considerable damage to his lungs7 3e4ve o$erated and right no) he4s on

a res$irator7 For the ne#t t)enty@,our hours everything is touch and go7 3e have to )atch ,or blood

clots ,orming and detaching7 He4ll have a nurse )ith him the )hole time until the threat is gone7

.-4m very sorry6 Mrs7 (avis6 - )ish - could $rovide better ne)s6 but this is all - have7/

.3hen can - see him</



.He can have one visitor at a time7 %ou can go in )hen you4re ready7/ - nod7 .Thank you7/

He takes his leave7 Once he4s out o, the )aiting room6 - colla$se into Liam4s arms and break do)n7

My husband isn4t going to make it and there isn4t a thing - can do about it7 Harrison )ra$s his arms

around me as )ell7 His tears )et my back6 )hile Liam4s meet mine7 Both these strong men hold me as

)e cry ,or the one )e love7

- stand on shaky legs6 )ith Liam on one side and Harrison on the other7 -4m taking liberties and going in

,irst7 Maybe - haven4t earned it7 - haven4t kno)n him long enough6 but )e share something that he can4t

share )ith Liam and Harrison7



They )alk me to)ard his room7 Ho) they kno) )here it is6 - don4t kno)7 (id the doctor tell me and -

not listen< 3e by$ass the nurses4 station7 - can4t bear to look at them7 - don4t )ant to see the $ity on

their ,aces7 - don4t )ant them to look at me as i, -4m about to lose my husband7 - don4t )ant to see their

eyes )ander to my mid@section and have them shake their heads because -4ll be a single mom soon7

That4s )hat - )anted6 right< To be a single mom< -s this karma coming back to bite me in the ass

because - )as going to kee$ this baby a secret ,rom &immy< -s he going to $ay the $rice because -4m a

sel,ish bitch and brought all this evil onto him< - should be the one lying in that bed7 - should be the one

)ho is in critical condition6 ,ighting ,or my li,e7 &immy doesn4t deserve this7

Harrison $ushes the door o$en slo)ly7 My senses become alive as - stare at the ,loor6 my eyes moving

slo)ly until - can see the )all in ,ront o, me7 The room smells like antise$tic and Lysol7 The )alls are

)hite7 &immy hates )hite7 He needs color7 He )ants vibrant dis$lays o, li,e7 - close my eyes )hen - ,inally

hear the bee$ing that4s telling me his heart is still beating7 -t means that his blood is still $um$ing

through his body6 kee$ing him alive7 But it4s the )hoosh o, the machine hel$ing him breathe that makesmy knees buckle7 He can4t breathe7

.Oh God6 he can4t breathe7/ Liam and Harrison grab my arms to steady me7 - don4t like hos$itals and the

bad things that go along )ith them7 The )hish and hum o, machines designed to mimic human

,unctions7 The constant bee$6 bee$6 bee$ing o, vital signs being measured7

.5ome on6 &enna6 be strong7 Think about the baby7 &immy needs you to be strong ,or the baby right

no)7/ Liam4s voice is too calm7 - look at him brie,ly and kno) he4s holding everything in7

3e ste$ ,urther into the room7 - see his nurse ,irst be,ore - see him7 - take a ste$ back )hen - ,inally lay

my eyes on him7 His Moha)k is ,lattened6 his eyes closed7 There4s a tube coming out o, his mouth6 and

)ires every)here7 My hand covers my mouth as - cry out6 )hich gets the nurses attention7

She looks u$ ,rom her com$uter screen )ith a sco)l on her ,ace7

.Only one visitor at a time7/

.3e kno)6/ Liam says7 .This is his )i,e and as you can see6 she4s $regnant and unsteady on her ,eet7/

.Shh6/ she says6 $ointing to the curtain behind us7 .Someone is slee$ing in there7/ The three o, us turn

our heads and look7 - look at Harrison6 )ho shakes his head then to Liam )ho looks $issed o,, as hell7

.3hy isn4t he in a $rivate room )ith security</ Liam asks7

.He4s 9ust a $atient7 -4m going to have to ask you to leave7 Only one visitor at a time7/ Liam nods andleads me over to &immy4s bedside7 Harrison slides a chair over ,or me to sit in7

%ou4d think the nurse )ould do this6 but a$$arently it4s not her 9ob7

.3e4re going to go see about getting &( moved7 3e4ll be right back6/ Liam )his$ers in my ear7 - don4t

kno) )hat he4s going to do6 but - have a ,eeling this nurse isn4t going to like it7

- lay my hand on to$ o, &immy4s and rest my head by his leg7 - really )ant to cra)l into bed )ith him and

hold him like he holds me6 but - kno) that isn4t $ossible7 Tears ,all silently ,rom my eyes as the $ain in

my chest builds7 - )ant to talk to him6 but not )ith this nurse in here7 3hat - have to say is $rivate6 ,or



his ears only7 3ho kno)s )hat this chick )ill blog about )hen she gets home at the end o, her shi,t or

)ho she4s te#ting7

.%ou should talk to him7/ Her tone is snotty6 )hich $isses me o,,7

.- )ant to6 but you4re here7/ My )ords have bite but - don4t care7 - kno) he needs to hear my voice6 but

damn it i, - )ant only him to hear me7 Thing is6 - )ouldn4t care i, Liam and Harrison )ere )ith me7

.3here4s his )edding ring</ - ask7

.Behind you7 His $ersonal belongings are in that bag7/

- get u$ and go to the bag and dum$ its contents on the counter7 His ring clanks on the hard )ooden

to$6 along )ith his )allet6 chain and )atch7 - o$en his )allet to $ull out the $icture o, Little One7 - think

he needs it7 He needs to ,eel close to her7

.He had a $icture in his )allet6 it4s not here7/

.- don4t kno) )hat to tell you7/

3hen - look back6 she4s smirking7 She kno)s damn )ell )here that $icture )ent7

.-t4s okay6/ - say6 sliding his )allet into my $urse7 .-4ll 9ust let his doctor kno) that someone )ent

through his )allet7/

She sco,,s7 .Maybe he took it out7/

.Or maybe he didn4t because he sho)ed it to me be,ore he )ent on stage7/ - stand tall and lean over

&immy7 .My husband carries that $hoto every)here he goes6 it4s his daughter7 Funny ho) he4s not able

to account ,or his belongings at the moment isn4t it</

.3ell6 -4m sure it4ll turn u$7/

Turn u$< 3hat4s she going to do6 $ut it back in the bag a,ter - leave the room< (oes she actually think

-4m going to leave his side<

- sit back do)n and $ick u$ &immy4s hand7 He4s )arm and ,or me that4s a good sign7 - hold his hand to my

,ace6 $lacing my li$s there7 - don4t kno) i, he can ,eel my tears6 but - ho$e they aren4t annoying him7

- don4t kno) ho) long - sit there like that6 )ith him7 Minutes< Hours< For me time has sto$$ed7

The constant )hoosh and bee$ are some)hat soothing6 although -4d give anything ,or him to o$en hiseyes and smile at me7

Every so o,ten the nurse stands6 $resses some buttons and sits back do)n7 - )ant to look at her

com$uter screen and see i, she4s $laying Solitaire or i, she4s actually )orking7 She4s $robably checking all

her social media sites7

Liam and Harrison )alk back into the room ,ollo)ed by a tall man7

.&enna6 this is (r7 Bryant6 he4s the hos$ital (irector7 3e4re going to move &( to a $rivate room and he4s

going to )aive the one visitor rule7/



-4ve never been more ama*ed by Liam than - am no)7 - stand and $ull him into my arms7 He kno)s that -

need him and Harrison right no)6 9ust as much as they need to be near &immy7

.Mrs7 (avis6 -4m sorry about your husband7/

.Thank you6/ - choke out as - shake his hand7 .- 9ust )ant him to )ake u$ so - can take him home7/

.%es6 o, course6 )e4re doing all )e can ,or him7/

nd 9ust like that the glass )all to &immy4s room is colla$sed7 Men and )omen come in and trans,er

)ires to another machine that they set on to$ o, him7 The nurse6 )ho un,ortunately has to come )ith

us6 $ushes her cart out7 &immy4s bed is $ulled ,rom the )all and )e ,ollo) behind7 - can4t look at anyone

)hile )e $ass7 - don4t )ant to see their ,aces or kno) that they recogni*e )ho is in that bed7

His ne) room is much larger )ith )indo)s that overlook the courtyard7 t least no) )e4ll have

something to look at7

.Mrs7 (avis6 -4m assuming you4ll be staying here</

.3e all )ill be and his mom )ill be here soon6/ Harrison ans)ers7 .3e also have t)o more coming6 our

)ives6 that )ill need access7 -4m not sure i, they4ll stay6 but at least ,or a ,e) days they4ll be here7/

.-t4s againstA/

.- told you6 )e4ll $ay and )e4ll make a ,ucking donation to the hos$ital i, he )alks out o, here alive6/

Liam ,ires back7

.O, course6 Mr7 =age7/

Mr7 =age< Looks like Liam used his status to get his )ay7 - kno) he doesn4t like to do that6 but -4m

thank,ul he did7

.This nurse6/ - ask6 $ointing to her7 .(oes she have to stay or can she set u$ outside his door</

.Oh no6 she can set u$ in the hall like the others do7/

.=er,ect7/ - arch my eyebro) at her7 Take that you )ench7 .lso6 my husband had a $icture o, our

daughter4s ultrasound in his )allet7 He sho)ed it to me be,ore he )ent on stage and no) it4s not there7

-4m )ondering i, you can ask the sta,, that handled his belongings i, they4ve ,ound it7/

.The la)suit6 i, it4s leaked6 )on4t be $retty6/ Liam adds6 making me )ish - could think 8uickly on my ,eetlike him7

(r7 Bryant nods be,ore leaving us to &immy7 - let Harrison and Liam go to his side )hile - stand at the ,oot

o, the bed7 My hand rests on his ,oot6 )hile the guys $ick u$ each o, his hands7 Liam4s shoulders shake

and Harrison is gas$ing ,or air7 - don4t kno) )ho to go to ,irst so - stand there and )atch as these

brothers cry ,or one o, their o)n7 -4ll never $retend to understand their bond6 not a,ter )itnessing this7



- lose track o, time7 -4m sti,,6 sore and hungry7 My arms ache ,rom the $osition they4ve been in7 My backburns ,rom the strain and Little One is kicking u$ something ,ierce7 - didn4t bring my head$hones

because &immy )ould4ve 9ust sung to her6 but he4s not singingA yet7

Hours – that4s ho) long )e4ve been here7 The sun is u$6 or maybe it4s setting again and -4m really not

)ith it7 Harrison4s head rests at the end o, &immy4s bed6 )hile Liam is o$$osite me7 Both o, them are

aslee$6 e#haustion ,inally taking over6 but neither o, them are )illing to leave this room7

- can4t blame them7 -4m not leaving either7 - hate getting u$ to go to the bathroom as it is7 Gary has

moved the tour bus to the $arking lot7 - can see it ,rom the )indo)7 =eo$le @ mostly )omen @ gather

around it7 - had suggested that Liam and Harrison go and slee$ in there6 but they 9ust shook their heads7



3e kno) the ,irst t)enty@,our hours are critical? those are the )ords that )e recall and each time he

t)itches or the machines bee$s a little more ra$idly6 - $anic7 nd )hen - $anic6 they $anic7

The cycle is endless7

- sit in the )indo)sill )atching the small vigil ,orm by the bus7 They must be the ,ans that sa) the

shooting ha$$en7 -t )on4t be long be,ore the $ress is outside and the bus is surrounded7 Gary said the

detective is coming by today? he needs my statement7 - have to relive the nightmare7 - have to recall

every second o, )hat - remember ,rom last night as it un,olded6 in slo) motion6 right be,ore my eyes7

The only thing - )ant to kno) is6 )here4s (amien<

The door o$ens slo)ly and the nurse6 a much nicer one6 )aves me over7 - slide o,, the )indo)sill

care,ully and )alk to her7 She holds the door o$en ,or me to ,ollo) her out7 - look at &immy and back at

her and she kno)s7 She $laces her hand on my shoulder and leads me to the )indo) )here - can still

see him7

Months ago6 - )ouldn4t be standing here7 -4d be at home6 taking care o, the kids i, this had ha$$ened7

But he kne)A he kne) that )e )ere having a baby and )asn4t going to take no ,or an ans)er )hen he

asked me to marry him7 The )hole time during the ceremony - thought he )as doing it so - )ouldn4t be

alone6 but that )asn4t the case7 He did it because he )ants us to be a ,amily7

.-4m sorry to bother you6 but - )anted to give you this7/ She hands me Little One4s ultrasound $icture7

Tears ,ill my eyes immediately7 The nurse rests her hand on my shoulder6 giving me the com,ort - need7

.-4m sorry you4re going through this6 but )e4ve taken ste$s to eliminate the issue ,rom arising again7/

.Thank you6/ - say )ith a broken voice7

.- think - have something that )ill make you smile Mrs7 (avis6 there are t)o )omen out ,ront )ho are

asking ,or you7/

.(id they say )ho they are</ My luck is they4re cra*ed ,ans trying to get in to see &immy7

The nurse ,ishes a $iece o, $a$er out o, her $ocket7 .Datelyn =o)ell and &osie 3estbury6 is )hat - have

here7 They seem very eager to see you7/ She smiles so,tly7 She kno)s )hat those t)o names mean to

me7

- kno) a smile is breaking out across my ,ace and it4s going hand@in@hand )ith tears7 .Thank you6 you

can let them in7/

She nods and )alks a)ay7 - look back into the room6 Liam and Harrison are still slee$ing so - leave them

be7 -4m going to be sel,ish and ,all into the arms o, my best ,riends be,ore their men come to take them

a)ay ,rom me7

Their strides are long and $o)er,ul and they race to me once they get around the corner7 They dro$

their bags and $ull me into their arms7 The de,inition o, a grou$ hug is nothing com$ared to being held

by your t)o best ,riends7 3ords don4t need to be said6 the emotion is enough7 - can ,eel their shoulders

shake6 and hear their labored breathing7 3e are all sharing the $ain and anguish o, not kno)ing7



&osie breaks ,irst7 She )i$es her eyes be,ore $icking u$ her bag7 She leaves me )ith Datelyn7 3hen - look

at her6 it4s not $ity - see in her eyes6 but kno)ledge7 Datelyn4s been here7 She kno)s )hat -4m going

through7

Datelyn takes my hand in hers and holds it to her heart7 !ot only can - ,eel her heart beating6 but under

my $alm are her )edding rings7 They hang ,rom a necklace the t)ins bought her ,or her birthday7 She

$laces her hand over mine and closes her eyes7

.- )ent to see Mason be,ore )e got on the $lane7 Sometimes )hen -4m there - don4t say anything and

other times - talk about the girls6 Harrison and Kuinn7 But this time - told him )hat you4re going through

and asked him to hel$7 !o one kno)s this6 but - asked him ,or a sign that being )ith Harrison )as going

to be okay and it started sno)ing7 >ight there )ith me lying on the ground a sno),lake ,ell so - took that

and ran )ith it7 s you kno)6 Mason )as $retty ama*ing and he loved you so - kno) he4s )atching over

&immy7

.-4m here ,or you6 &enna6 )hatever you need7 %ou )ere there ,or me so many times )hen - )as going

through everything7 - hate seeingA this ty$e o, $lace )ith us here7/

.%ou don4t need to stay6 Datelyn6 - kno) it4s hard7/

Datelyn shakes her head7 She lets her tears ,all7 .- need to be here7 This is )here -4m su$$osed to be7/

- kno) it4s hard ,or her to be here7 - kno) it4s going to be di,,icult ,or her to )alk into &immy4s room and

see him looking similar to the )ay Mason looked7 - )on4t be u$set i, she can4t handle this7 - ho$e she

kno)s this7

Datelyn and - )alk hand@in@hand back to &immy4s room7 &osie )aits ,or us by the door7 - ste$ in ,irst7 Liam

and Harrison are still out cold7 - think it4s s)eet6 to see them like this6 but once they kno) the girls are

here things )ill become emotional again7

&osie )ra$s her arms around Liam6 and Datelyn leans do)n and kisses Harrison on his cheek7

Harrison )akes ,irst and moves out o, his chair lightning ,ast7 Datelyn is o,, the ground be,ore she kno)s

)hat4s hit her7 He has his ,ace buried in her neck7 Her legs are )ra$$ed around his )aist and her hand

holds his head to hers7 He carries her out o, the room7 Only )hen - sit do)n do - see Liam )ake6 but he4s

not moving7 He4s holding onto &osie4s arms )hile she )his$ers in his ear7

Liam )asn4t here )hen )e )ent through this )ith Mason and neither )as Harrison6 but they both kno)

the magnitude o, )hat this moment means ,or &osie and Datelyn7

.3hat are they saying</ &osie asks7

- shake my head7 .They monitor everything7 >ight no) they4re )atching ,or blood clots7 ndA and -

don4t kno)7 - 9ust )ant him to )ake@u$ so )e can go home6/ - say6 trying to kee$ my voice ,rom

breaking7 - $ick u$ &immy4s hand and hold it to my li$s7

.The $ress is outside and there are ,ans in the $arking lot7 Gary says there isn4t much he can do about it

because they4re not disru$ting anyone and they4re staying out o, the )ay7 There are a lot o, ,lo)ers and

gi,ts by the bus7 Gary said he4ll leave them there until $eo$le sto$ sho)ing u$7



.The shooting is all over the ne)s and media channels7 ,e) o, the channels are outside7 - think they4re

)aiting ,or you and Harrison to say something7/

.They can )ait6/ Liam says shar$ly7

.Okay6 babe7 Gary )ill take care o, it7/ &osie rubs his shoulders trying to soothe him7

.3e brought you some more clothes6 &enna7 Datelyn and - )ill make sure you guys have ,ood and

)hatever else you need so you only have to leave ,or a ,e) minutes at a time7 3hat do you need right

no)</

.For my husband to )ake u$7/

.She needs ,ood and a sho)er7/

- glare at Liam7 .!o6 - don4t7 %ou need to go sho)er7/

.3hy are you )earing scrubs</

Liam looks at &osie over his shoulder be,ore looking back at &immy7 .- )as there7 - held him until the

$aramedics arrived7/

.Oh6 Liam6/ &osie cries as she )ra$s her arms around him7 .5ome on6 let4s go and get cleaned u$ and

)hen )e come back6 -4ll take &enna to get some ,ood7/

- o$en my mouth to balk6 but the look &osie gives me shuts my mouth7 - don4t )ant to leave6 but the

thought o, ,ood makes Little One kick7 - can4t neglect her7 - need her7

s soon as they4re gone - lay my head on &immy4s leg7 - )ant to be near his heart6 but - can4t touch his

chest7 -t4ll cause him $ain and - can4t have that7 - hold his hand and take a dee$ breath7

.&immy6 - need you to ,ight and come back to us7 Little One and - need you7 She )ants to kno) her

daddy and - kno) you )ant to meet her7 -, you didn4t6 you )ouldn4t have taken me to Bora Bora and

asked me to marry you7 %ou made me think you )ere asking because - )as having a baby6 )hen you

kne) the )hole time that )e )ere going to have our baby7

.The night o, &osie and Liam4s )edding6 you )ere my ,antasy come true7 - had told the girls that you

)ere on my list6 but - never imagined days later it )ould ha$$en7 3hen you came u$ to me6 - didn4t

have any ,ear7 %ou )ere someone - )anted7 The only one - )anted since - le,t my other li,e7 - asked

mysel, many times since that night6 )hy you6 and the only ans)er - can come u$ )ith is that my body

craved you7 3hen - )ould look at you6 - could see mysel, )ith you and as much as that scared me6 -)anted it7 -, anyone )ere to ask me then )hy - married you my ans)er )ould be because you charmed

me7 %ou have this )ay about you6 it4s hard to describe7

.That day at the doctor4s )hen you sho)ed u$ late and - asked ,or a divorce6 you )ere adamant that )e

)eren4t getting one7 - )anted to )alk a)ay6 but you )ouldn4t let me7 -4ve )anted to ask you about Los

ngeles6 but - haven4t7 Hal, o, me doesn4t )ant to kno)6 but the other hal, does7 But right no) - 9ust

)ant you to )ake@u$ and sing to me6 sing to our baby because she misses you7 - miss you7/

.%ou must be my daughter@in@la)7/



.3H% isn4t he a)ake yet</ - $ull at my hair as - $ace back and ,orth7 .-t4s been t)o )eeks7 He made itthrough the t)enty@,our hour mark7 His brain activity is normal6 so )hy isn4t he a)ake</ - ask the doctor

)ho4s ,lashing his $en light in &immy4s eyes7

.3e aren4t sure</

.3hat do you mean6 you aren4t sure4< %ou4re the damn doctor and my husband has been like this ,or

,ourteen days7/

.- understand Mrs7 (avis6/ he says as he $ockets his $en7 -, &immy )as a)ake - kno) he4d say something

about the $ocket $rotector7 3ho )ears those anymore<



.!o6 you don4t understand7/ - sigh and rest my head against the )all7 -4m ,rustrated and scared7 - don4t

understand their nonchalance about all o, this7 3hy isn4t he a)ake<

Brigette comes over and rubs my shoulders7 She4s been a godsend since she arrived7 - kno) - have Liamand Harrison here )ith me and Datelyn and &osie on the )eekends6 but Brigette has been a rock ,or me7

3hen she )alked in the door6 - didn4t kno) )hat to e#$ect7

.%ou must be my daughter@in@la)7/

- turn and look behind me7 )oman stands in the door)ay6 she4s $etite6 blonde and very )ell $ut

together7 Her dress ,its her body $er,ectly6 sto$$ing 9ust above her knees7 She screams money7 -, - didn4t

kno) better6 -4d say she4s someone )ho snuck in here to be close to &immy7 She doesn4t look like a

mom6 but she does look like &immy7 Or rather he looks like her6 e#ce$t )ith dark hair7

.Hi6/ - say6 meekly7 This is not ho) - )anted to meet my mother@in@la)7 She4s su$$osed to be here a

)eek be,ore Little One arrives and &immy is su$$osed to introduce us7 - )i$e my hands on my $ants andstand on shaky legs7 - )alk closer to her6 blocking her line o, sight to &immy7 - e#tend my hand7

.-4m &enna7/

She looks at me )ith an unreadable e#$ression7 - ,eel like a moron standing here like this7 She $robably

hates me7 - )ould6 it4s my e# that did this to her son7 She dro$s the oversi*ed bag she is holding and

)ra$s her arms around me6 catching me o,, guard7 Her embrace is tight and )elcoming7 - close my arms

around her and hug her back as i, )e haven4t seen each other in years7

.-4m Brigette6/ she says6 $ulling a)ay7 She sets her hands on my shoulders and a$$raises me7 .3ell

&immy said you )ere beauti,ul6 but he obviously ,orgot to add that you4re also stunning7/ - blush and

shake my head7

.-4m gross6/ - say7 .- think he4d say something else i, he sa) me right no)7/ She shakes her head7 .He4d

say6 hey mum6 look at my )i,e6 isn4t she gorgeous<4 nd you are7 %ou staying by his bed holding his

hand and saying those )ords to him6 makes you the most beauti,ul )oman in the )orld6 in my book7/

.-4m really ha$$y you4re here7/

.So am -6 - 9ust )ish )e )ere meeting each other in ha$$ier circumstances like the birth o, my ,irst

granddaughter7 5an -</ She looks do)n at my stomach and back at me7 &ust as 8uickly as - give my okay6

her hands are on my stomach7

.Hi there6 baby6 -4m your grandma7/ nd as i, she kno)s6 Little One kicks nice and hard7 Brigette4s mouthdro$s o$en in sur$rise as - choke back a hal, laugh6 hal, cry7 &immy4s missing this and that breaks my

heart7

.%ou4ll have to ,orgive my daughter@in@la)6 she4s tired and uncom,ortable7 - kno) it has nothing to do

)ith that tiny little bed you4ve given her and the lack o, slee$ she gets because the night nurse is still

checking on my son every ,e) minutes7/

- try not to smile6 but in this moment - love Brigette7 She takes shots at the doctor and night nurse every

chance she gets6 but she does it )ith a smile and British )ords that make them think she4s being nice to

them7



.3e can send in another bed7/

.That )ould be lovely6/ she says )ithout missing a beat7 .lso6 send in an obstetrician7 - can4t see her

,lying home any time soon to attend an a$$ointment )hen her husband is like this7/

.-4ll send in the necessary ,orms –.

Brigette sto$s rubbing my shoulders7 - turn and )atch as she ,aces o,, )ith the doctor7 .%ou should call

her doctor in Beaumont to make things easier ,or her7 She4s under a lot o, stress and is very close to her

due date7 =lease res$ect the ,act that she doesn4t )ant to leave her husband4s side and send your

colleague do)n here7/

- can see the doctor sigh and try not to laugh7 .-4ll have someone come do)n to see Mrs7 (avis7/ The

doctor takes his leave6 shutting &immy4s door behind him7

.%ou4re brilliant7/

Brigette shrugs6 )alking over to &immy7 She threads her ,ingers through his hair and smiles7 .- )as going

to be a solicitor )hen - met &immy4s dad7 - )as young and stu$id and thought - could tame him6 and

maybe - did at ,irst6 but it didn4t last very long7/

.&immy doesn4t talk about his dad7/

She shakes her head7 .!o6 - don4t imagine he does7 &ames treats &immy as a ,riend or drinking $artner6

but never as a son7 - sent &immy to live )ith his ,ather because he )anted to be a musician7 - had ho$ed

&immy )ould gro) out o, it6 but he didn4t7 !ot that - don4t a$$reciate )hat he does6 but this is ho) - sa)

him6 )ith a )i,e and a baby on the )ay7 - didn4t )ant him to end u$ like his ,ather6 but the music is in his

veins7

.3hen &immy rang me and told me he )as married6 - $rayed it )asn4t some drunken egas )edding

conducted by one o, those Elvis im$ersonators7 The minute he started telling me about you6 - kne) he

had ,ound someone to love him the )ay he deserves to be loved7/

.3e4re the clichC one@night stand )ho ends u$ $regnant7/

Brigette smiles7 .nd that night changed his li,e7 - can remember all the $hones calls a,ter that7 - didn4t

kno) )hat ha$$ened6 but - kne) something had changed7 He started talking about hanging around in

Beaumont more and ,or the li,e o, me - had no idea )hy until he told me about you7 One night stand or

not6 you changed his li,e7/

.3HT the bloody hell are you doing here</ - 9um$ at the sound o, Brigette4s voice and her book

slamming7 - look groggily around the room be,ore another body comes into ,ocus7 Standing in the

door)ay is &immy4s dad7 Even though -4ve never met him6 - kno) )ho he is6 everyone does and there4s

no mistaking him no)7

.-t4s good to see you too6 Brigette7 - see my money is treating you )ell7/ Brigette stands6 setting her

a,ghan and book in her chair7

.&ames6 )hat are you doing here</

.-s that not my son lying there</



Brigette looks at me to &immy and back to me7 Her eyes tell me everything6 she4s sorry7 .%ou don4t get to

$ick and choose )hen you4re going to be a ,ather6 &ames7/ &ames stares her do)n as he )alks by her6

taking the em$ty seat ne#t to &immy4s bed7 .3ho are you< %ou let some grou$ie in here6 Brigette<

That4s unlike you7/

.-4m his )i,e6/ - say6 $roudly7

He sco,,s7 .- thought - told him to leave you curbside7/

.E#cuse me</

He cocks an eyebro)7 .Same trick his mother used to tra$ me7 - told my boy he shouldn4t be ,alling ,or

this shit7/

.For the love o, God6 &ames6 you don4t even kno) the ,ull story7 There is no )ay &immy )ould con,ide in

you7 (on4t listen to him &enna6 he4s ,ull o, cra$7/

.My son thinks )ith his dick7 - kno) him better than you think7/ This can4t be ha$$ening7 -t can4t be7

3hat kind o, heartless $erson is this man<

.That4s enough6 &ames7/ Liam comes into vie) and - s)ear he $u,,s out his chest7 .-, you think ,or a

minute that you4re )elcome here6 you4re sadly mistaken7 nd i, you think you4re going to disres$ect

&enna and Brigette - )on4t need security to escort you6 -4ll do it mysel,7/

.Ho) in God4s name did you even get in here</ Brigette asks7

&ames smiles and - kno) ho) )ithout him even saying the )ords7

."nbelievable6/ she says7

.- think you o)e &immy4s )i,e an a$ology6/ Liam says as he sits do)n on my bed@turned@couch during

the day7

.!o6 it4s ,ine7 - don4t )ant him to $retty u$ his ugly@assed )ords )ith a hal,@assed a$ology7/ Liam and

Brigette laugh6 )hich causes &ames to shake his head7 -t4s clear no) )hy &immy never talked about his

dad7 - )ouldn4t talk about him either7 &immy is nothing like him? at least he4s not no)7 - can4t imagine

&immy ever being this )ay though7 - kno) he )as a man@)hore6 but the )ay &ames is6 it4s too

chauvinistic and $atroni*ing7

.-4ll let you stay –.

.%ou4ll let me stay</

- stand6 not that - can do anything to this man6 but he needs to kno) -4m serious7 .%es6 -4ll let you stay7

This is my husband6 you have no say here7 -, you4re in here6 it4s because - say so7 Tough shit i, you don4t

like it6 - don4t care7 My husband is in a damn coma and - )on4t have you in here thinking your shit

doesn4t stink6 Mr7 (avis7/

- sit back do)n and bite the inside o, my cheek )hen Liam starts cla$$ing7 .!o )onder &immy loves

you6/ he says7 - try not to smile6 but - can4t hel$ it7 - bury my ,ace into &immy4s side6 not )anting to look

at anyone7



.&ames6 )ere you coming to get me or )hat</

- roll my eyes and look over my shoulder7 This ,ace - kno)7 -4ve seen her be,ore7 Liam stands and so does

Brigette7 My eyes travel do)n to her mid@section and see it $rotruding6 9ust not as big as mine7

.3hat the ,uck are you doing here</ Liam blurts out7

.%ou4re $regnant</ Brigette asks7 She looks at &ames6 )ho shrugs7

.3ho are you</ - ask breaking u$ the back and ,orth7

.-4m 5helsea –/

.She4s &immy4s e# and a va$id little )hore7/

5helsea rolls her eyes7 .%ou never change6 Liam7/

.- see that you don4t either7 Let me guess6 you4re here to $in that on &immy</ Liam $oints to her belly7

My stomach turns6 my mouth dro$s o$en7 This can4t be ha$$ening7

.-t4s not &immy4s7/ Harrison )alks into the room )ith our lunch7 He sets it do)n on the table and

$roceeds to kiss Brigette on the cheek7 .(on4t )orry about her7 He loves you6/ he )his$ers in my ear6

be,ore kissing me on the cheek7

Harrison surveys the room7 .Be,ore you even o$en your mouth6 5helsea6 to blame &immy ,or your

$regnancy6 - kno) the truth7/

.Truth</ - ask7

.His ,ather knocked u$ his e#7/

.Oh good Lord6 you4re going to burn in hell6 &ames7/

BEE= A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$



The voices - hear sound ,amiliar6 but - can4t see their ,aces7

hand touches mine6 kee$ing me )arm7 This touch is ,amiliar and com,ortable6 but - )ant to kno) )ho

it is7

Fingers run through my hair7 - )ant to move my head into that )arm hand7 - try6 but to no avail7

My throat hurts7 -4ve s)allo)ed something big and it4s stuck7 Ho) am - breathing<

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

Bee$A bee$A bee$

3hat is that noise<

- need to see it7

- need to make it sto$7 -t4s hurting my head7

My chest hurts7 -t4s a dull $ain6 but none@the@less it hurts and - have no idea )hy7

3hy am - hurting<

3here the hell am -<

3hy are the curtainsA< The curtains aren4t closed7

=ain ri$s through my side6 cutting o,, my air7 - can4t breathe7

My eyes ,lash o$en7

- gag on the ,oreign ob9ect that4s do)n my throat7

.5alm do)n6 &immy6 let me hel$ you7/

- look into a $air o, bro)n eyes that - don4t recognise7 Her hair is grey and $ulled back a)ay ,rom her

,ace7

.- kno) you4re scared6 but - need you to listen to me7 This is a tube to hel$ you breathe7 %ou4ve

sustained some damage to your lungs and be,ore )e remove the tube )e4ll need an #@ray7 !o) there4sa room ,ull o, $eo$le )aiting to see you so -4m going to sit you u$6 but no talking7 -, you ,eel the need to

cough6 $lease do7 -4ll be back in a ,e) minutes7/

The moment she moves out o, my line o, vision6 -4m searching ,or the green eyes that light u$ my )orld7

My bed rises and - blink ra$idly to clear my eyes7 She4ll be here6 right<

Her smile6 that4s )hat - see ,irst7 - try to smile back6 but this ,ucking tube is in my )ay7 Her beauti,ul eyes

are )atery and red@rimmed7 She4s been crying and - haven4t been around to com,ort her7 - raise my

arms6 )ell as ,ar as my le,t one )ill go7 - look do)n brie,ly6 and see multi$le tubes coming out o, it7 -4m a

,ucking )reck7



&enna moves closer7 Her ,ingers touch my check and move do)n to my chin7 - lean into her touch6

needing to ,eel her on my skin7 She rests her ,orehead against mine7 - ,eel her body shake7 My right arm

moves slo)ly7 Once -4m touching her6 -4m not going to sto$7 - hold her head to mine and try to get her to

kiss me7 - may not be able to move my li$s much6 but - kno) she can and right no) - need them to touch

me7

She kno)s )hat - )ant because she )ants it too7 3hen her li$s touch my cheek6 it4s like an e#$losion7

Fire)orks go o,, in my chest7 My skin tingles7 - don4t kno) i, -4ll ever survive )ithout her7

- guess -4ll never tem$t ,ate to ,ind out7

.-4m so sorry6 &immy7 - love you so much6/ she $ulls a)ay ,ar too soon ,or me7 - kno) there are other

$eo$le in the room6 but right no) - don4t give a shit7 - only )ant her7 - have no idea )hy she4s

a$ologising and - don4t care7 - don4t )ant her to leave me7

- move my hand do)n to her stomach and $ush against Little One7 My heart races )hen she $ushesback7 She kno)s her daddy4s touch7 &enna holds my hand there ,or a moment be,ore backing a)ay7

My mum comes into vie) and she looks more beauti,ul than the last time - sa) her7 .Oh6 &immy6/ she

says as she kisses my cheek7 She4s crying too and -4m starting to realise that - might not be okay7

- grunt6 getting &enna4s attention7 - $ull at the tube in my mouth6 but she knocks my hand a)ay7 - ,ight

around her hand trying to $ull it out7 - need to ask )hat ha$$ened7 - don4t remember ho) - got here7

.&immy6 sto$6/ she says6 holding my hand do)n7 - kno) -4m stronger than her6 but right no) - can4t get

out o, her gri$7 .- kno) you4re u$set6 but it4s okay7 3e aren4t going any)here7/ - shake my head7 That4s

not )hat -4m u$set about7 - need to kno) )hat the ,uck ha$$ened to me7 - rela# so she )ill let go o, my

hand and )hen she does6 - make the $hone sign6 holding my ,ingers u$ to my ear7 She kno)s e#actly

)hat - need and starts searching through her bag ,or her $hone7 She hands it to me and - ty$e my

8uestion7

3hat ha$$ened to me<

She $ulls a)ay the $hone and reads my message7 Her eyes ,ind mine and - can see the $ain and hurt in

them7 She looks so sad7 - hate thinking that -4m the reason she looks like that7 She $icks u$ my hand and

holds it6 locking our ,ingers together7

.%ou )ere shot6/ she says taking a dee$ breath7 .(amien )as there7 - sa) him and he had a gun7 He

shot you and esca$ed7 The bullet )ent through both your lungs and e#ited7 %ou4ve been in here a

month7/

- listen to )hat she says6 grabbing ,or her $hone again7 3here is he<

She shakes her head7 .They haven4t ,ound him yet6 but the detectives have been very good and sto$ by

every day to see ho) you4re doing7 3e4ve all given statements7 They4re looking ,or him7

month<

She nods7 .%eah and - haven4t le,t yet7 The guys are here too6 and Datelyn and &osie come on the

)eekends7 Gary4s outside )ith the bus and you have ,ans )aiting ,or you to )ake@u$7 Liam and Harrison

have even done an acoustic set ,or them7 The $ress )as here ,or a )hile6 but they le,t a,ter a )eek6 but



-4m sure they4ll be back7 %our dad and his girl,riend are here7/ My eyes )iden7 - don4t )ant &enna to be

any)here in the vicinity o, my dad7

.(on4t )orry6 - kno)6 but you can tell me your side )hen you4re better7 3e4re good6 &immy7/ - love you6- ty$e to her7

She smiles7 .- love you too7/

Little one<

.She4s good7 &osie brought my head$hones so she could listen to you7 -t4s almost time though6 &immy7/

%ou4re bigger7

&enna laughs and even though - can4t remember not hearing her ,or a month6 -4ve missed her laugh7

.%eah6 -4m as big as a )hale7/

- shake my head and ty$e %ou4re ,ucking gorgeous6 S)eet Li$s7

.-4ve missed that7/

-4ll never sto$7

Be,ore - can ,ind a )ay to get her into my bed so - can sho) her ho) much - love her6 the doctor )alks

in7 - hate that &enna has to move aside6 but all the machines are right there and that4s )here he needs to

be7

.Ho) are you ,eeling6 &immy</

(oes he e#$ect me to grunt my ans)er< (oes he )ant me to act like a bloody *ombie< Because - can7

That4s )hat - ,eel like – like -4ve been run over re$eatedly7

.3e4re going to take you do)n ,or an #@ray no)7 3e usually do them here6 but getting your )i,e to

leave the room is a bit o, a hassle7/

- try to shrug6 but ,ail miserably7 -4m not gonna lie6 kno)ing she )as here the )hole time makes me love

her even more7

.Here6/ &enna says6 $lacing a $iece o, $a$er in my hand7 - bring it u$ to my eyes and )armth surges

through me7 -t4s my Little One and - don4t give a shit that in that $icture6 she looks like an alien li,e ,orm7

- kno) she4s gro)ing inside o, &enna and ready to make her debut7 - $lace the $icture on my chest ands8uee*e &enna4s hand as the nurse starts moving my bed7

- attem$t my hal,@arsed smile at her7 She loves me7 - )ink6 )hich makes her giggle7 %eah - need to get

the ,uck out o, this bed6 and ,ast7



&-MM%4S been having his #@ray ,or over t)o hours7 - )as told they4d be right back and to stay here6 but

he4s been gone too long7 Bet)een my hair $ulling6 li$ che)ing and constantly looking at my )atch6 -4m

going cra*y7 Everyone else is as cool as a cucumber7 -4m the only one ,reaking out7 He 9ust )oke u$ and

no) he4s gone7

Someone ,rom the hos$ital is a snitch7 The $ress is gathering outside and none o, us have contacted

them7 - )atch as they assemble in the s$ace that )as designated ,or them a,ter &immy )as shot7 More

,ans are starting to sho) u$ too7 They linger by the bus6 )aiting ,or one o, the guys to come out and talk

to them7

Liam and Harrison have been so accommodating to them7 - told &immy about the acoustic sho)6 but it4s

been more than that7 The guys have had catered meals sent out to them and even held a three@hour

meet and greet7 3hen - asked them )hy6 they said i, they )ere going to sit outside and )ait ,or )ord on

&immy6 this )as the least they could do7 - agreed6 but o$ted to stay inside ne#t to my husband instead o,

thanking them mysel,7 Maybe )hen )e leave6 &immy and - can thank them together7

.%ou should sit do)n6 honey7 He4ll be back soon7/

.Ho) do you kno)</ - ask Brigette7 3hen &immy4s dad and his e#@girl,riend sho)ed u$ $regnant6 -

thought she )as going to come unglued7 But she4s held strong and ke$t her head held high7 3hatever

&ames did to her6 it doesn4t sho)7

.&ames6 )hat did you do</

.- don4t kno) )hat you4re talking about6 Brigette7/ - )atch them6 back and ,orth7 &ames is smug and

uncaring7 - can tell by his tone7 - look at the )oman in the door)ay7 Her ,ace ,lashes be,ore my eyes7 -4ve

seen her so many times in the articles about the band7 - )as a ,an o, 0112 3est long be,ore - kne) that

Liam )as !oah4s dad7 -4d buy every maga*ine 9ust to read the ne)est gossi$ and she4d been in there7

They )ere engaged7 - kne) that7

- look back at my slee$ing husband and $ray that he )akes u$ soon7 -4m not mad that she4s here6 but

curious7 nd )hat does &ames have to do )ith her<

Brigette doesn4t seem to )ant to ans)er &ames and he4s not o,,ering u$ any in,ormation7 -4m so

con,used and tired7 - 9ust )ant everyone to leave7

.3hat are you doing here</ - ask her7 - )ish - could remember her name6 but ,or the li,e o, me - can4t7

&immy never talks about her and - don4t ask7 3e have e#es ,or a reason7



.-4m here because o, &immy7/

.He doesn4t )ant you here6/ - $ut ,orth7

She sco,,s and thro)s her hair over her shoulder7 .%es he does7/ - shake my head7 .He doesn4t7/

.She4s right6 5helsea6/ Harrison adds7

5helsea – that4s right – either he or Liam said it be,ore )hen she sho)ed u$7 5helsea7 The rag mags

never did say )hy they broke u$6 not that it matters anymore7

.%ou4re $regnant</ she asks7 - )ant to say no shit6 but - nod7 -t4s clear that - am7 .3ho4s the ,ather</

.Oh6 ,or crying out loud6 5helsea7 &immy is the ,ather6 you silly girl7/ Brigette thro)s her hands u$ in the

air7 .3hy did you bring her here &ames</

.3hat makes you think she came )ith me< &immy4s the one )ho knocked her u$7/ My mouth dro$s7Liam stands and Harrison yells out6 .Bullshit7/

.E#cuse me</ &ames says7

This is a back and ,orth tennis match6 all taking $lace )hile my husband4s in a coma7 -t4s a stu$id soa$

o$era7

.&enna6 look at me7/

- do as Harrison commands7

.&( did not knock her u$7 She4s trying to $in it on &immy6 but he thinks his dad is the ,ather o, her baby7/

.Ho) does he kno)</ - ask6 8uietly lacking the con,idence that - need to assert mysel, here7

.Because )hen he )as home6 she moved into &(4s a$artment6 but he told her that he didn4t )ant her

and that he didn4t think the baby )as his7 He sa) 5helsea and his ,ather at a ca,C have a tte@N@tte right

be,ore he le,t7/ Harrison looks at &ames7 .He sa) his ,ather kiss his e#@,iancC and $lace his hands on her

stomach7/

.Ho) do you kno) about this6 Harrison</ Brigette asks7

.He came and told me7 He )as ,reaking out a bit because he had le,t &enna alone and )as in L dealing

)ith 5helsea )hen he should4ve been in Beaumont7/

.- damn )ell kne) it6 &ames7 My God6 )hat kind o, lo)li,e man are you to slee$ )ith your son4s e#<

- mean6 seriously7 nd you6 you4re a disgusting $iece o, )ork7 ,ter everything you did to &immy7 !o

)onder he calls you a leech7/

.3o)6/ - say7

.This is )hy &( didn4t )ant you to kno) his dad6/ Liam adds7

.Hey no) –/



.!o6 &ames you don4t get to make e#cuses ,or your behaviour7 - )ish - could say - regret sending him to

you6 but he met the boys and his )i,e so it must4ve been ,or the best7/

.-4m ha$$y you4re here6 Brigette7/

.Me too7 - 9ust )ish )e didn4t meet like this7 -4m )orried -4m going to outlast my )elcome and you )on4t

)ant me around )hen the baby is born7/

.!onsense6/ - say6 $ulling her into my arms7 She4s been a com,ort to have here7 My mom )anted to

come6 but - told her it )as okay to stay home7 - ke$t her u$dated daily and told her i, - needed her6 -4d

call6 but )ith Liam6 Harrison and Brigette here t)enty@,our seven the room is cro)ded7 .&immy )ill be

ha$$y that you4re here7/

Brigette moves my hair o,, my shoulder7 .(on4t give him a hard time about 5helsea )hen he ,ully )akes7

He )as in love )ith her once6 a long time ago7 He thought she )as the one ,or him6 but she $ut him

through hell and back7 First )ith her ,amily and then she cheated on him7 -4d never seen him so broken7/

.-s that )hy he started so)ing his )ild oats</

She laughs6 but - really don4t )ant to call my husband a man@)hore even though that is )hat he )as7

.- guess you could say that7 He very much did $lay the ,ield6 until he met you7 - kne) the day that you

t)oA)ell6 you kno)6 because )hen he rang me6 he )as di,,erent7 He )as ha$$y and talking about

moving to Beaumont to be closer to Liam and Harrison7 Be,ore6 he )as adamant that he )ould stay in

L because he needed to be a ,ree s$irit7/

.-4m usually not that ty$e o, girl7/

.- kno) you4re not7/

.3hat ty$e o, girl</ 3e both turn to &immy coming back into the room7 His breathing tube has been

removed and he4s smiling7 Once his bed is in $lace6 - rush over and $lace my li$s on his7 He $ulls a)ay

too 8uickly ,or my liking7

.3hat4s )rong</ - ask7

.- haven4t brushed my teeth in a month6 S)eet Li$s7 - )ould really like to be,ore you start kissing me

again7/

.3e can have a nurse come in and give you a s$onge bath6 Mr7 (avis7/ - see red )hen the doctor

suggests that7 His mom and - have been the ones bathing him )hile he )as in the coma7 -4ll be deadbe,ore some nurse comes in to )ash him no) that he4s a)ake7

.-4ll do it7/

&immy smiles although it doesn4t reach his eyes7 He4s tired7 - can see it in his ,ace7 He4s trying to stay

a)ake to $lease us7 - brush his hair a)ay ,rom his ,ace7 He leans into my hand7 - ho$e that -4m bringing

him a bit o, com,ort7



.-4ll re$eat )hat - told you a,ter - read your #@ray7 %ou4ll need to )ear the o#ygen mask until your levels

rise6 but can take it o,, to ans)er 8uestions7 %ou4re going to ,eel tired ,or a )hile and even though it

seems like you4ve been aslee$6 your body doesn4t reali*e that7 So be $atient )ith your recovery7/

.Thank you6/ he says7 His voice is hoarse and scratchy7 -t sounds like he4s been yelling ,or days on end7

.-4ll leave you to take your bath6/ Brigette says6 )inking at &immy as she leaves behind the doctor7 - close

all the blinds and ,ill the bucket )ith )arm )ater7

.%ou have a cou$le o, scars6/ - say6 )hen - come back7 - roll do)n his blankets7 - untie the to$ o, his

hos$ital issued nightgo)n and let it ,all o$en7 .They can do $lastic surgery i, you )ant them removed6

but they4re healing nice7/

&immy looks do)n at his chest and sti,les a cry7 - gingerly kiss his chest6 a)ay ,rom his sutures7

.- look like Frankenstein7/

.%ou look like my husband7/ - set the )arm s$onge onto his skin7 He shivers and as much as -4d love to

say it4s because -4m touching him6 - kno) it4s ,rom the cold air7 .They had to go in and sto$ the bleeding7

-, they hadn4t6 )e )ould4ve lost you7/ - clean around the cut they made and make my )ay to the ,irst

bullet hole7 .He shot you here6 &immy6 )hile - )as )atching you $er,orm6 )hile Liam )as singing Little

One4s song7 - sa) him in the cro)d6 but the security guard couldn4t understand )hat - )as saying until

he sa) the gun7 - tried to get to you6 but Liam sto$$ed me7 He sa) you ,all to the ground7 Harrison

carried me a)ay ,rom you7

.The bullet e#ited here6/ - say6 as - move to the other side7 .Liam held you until the medics arrived7

He $ut his knee on one side and his hand here to sto$ the bleeding7 (ays later the medics sto$$ed byand told him i, he hadn4t done that they )ould4ve lost you on the )ay here7 He saved my ,amily7/ - make

my )ay do)n his body7 He looks at me )hen - dri$ )ater over his semi@erect $enis7

.- shouldn4t be turned on6 but - am7/

- laugh and shake my head7

.The doctor said )e can4t have se# ,or a )hile7/

.%ou asked</

.%eah6 - haven4t been able to $lease my )i,ey ,or a month7 - have a lot o, catching u$ to do7/

.-4m not going any)here6 &immy7/

.5an - tell you about 5helsea</

.%ou don4t have to6 Harrison ,illed me in7/

.- )ant to7/

.Okay6/ - say6 sitting do)n in the hard $lastic chair ne#t to his bed7 - $ick his hand u$6 care,ul o, the -

and $lace it to my li$s7 This is going to be hard ,or him and the last thing - )ant is ,or him to think -4m

angry7 -4m not7 - almost lost my husband7 -t4s going to take a lot to $iss me o,, these days7



.3hen - )ent back to L6 - ,ound out that she had moved into my ,lat and )as s$outing all this cra$

about being $regnant7 3e had sle$t together a ,e) days be,ore you and - got married so - thought ,or

one ,ucked u$ moment that - had ruined everything )ith you7

.- )as so stu$id6 &enna7 - had a bad ,eeling about it straight a)ay6 but didn4t leave7 - sa) 5helsea and my

dad together6 but couldn4t ,or the li,e o, me understand )hy my dad )ould do that to me7 - )ent and

sa) him and thought that a,ter - told him about you and Little One6 he4d o)n u$ but he didn4t7

.- )anted to tell you6 but - didn4t )ant you to think that - cheated on you because - didn4t7 From the

moment - asked you to marry me6 -4ve been yours7/

Tears dri$ do)n my ,ace as he tries to $ull me closer7 - don4t let on that he4s not at ,ull strength yet and

move to )here he needs me7 .- 9ust )ant to hold you6 &enna7/ He doesn4t kno) )hat those )ords mean

to me7 -t4s not that he )ants to hold me6 but o$ening u$ about his dad and e# means the )orld to me7

- ad9ust so - can lie )ith him easily7 -4ve been doing this ,or a month7 -4m a $ro no)7 - rest my head in thecrook o, his neck and $lay )ith the stubble on his chin7 -t doesn4t esca$e me that this is )hat -4ve been

)aiting ,or7 -4ve needed this moment since the night o, the concert and he kno)s it7

-4M e#$eriencing one o, the most erotic moments in my li,e and there isn4t 9ack shit - can do about it7

-4m too )eak $hysically and because o, that - can4t even begin to $lease my )i,e7 - can only remember

)hat she ,eels like )ra$$ed around my dick and ho) she sounds )hen she4s moaning my name7 Fuck6

right no) - can4t even breathe )ithout the aid o, some god,orsaken machine7 - )ant to get out o, this

bed6 but - can4t7 - can4t even have a $iss by mysel,7 - have to take a leak into a bucket7

Thank ,uck the $lastic tube sticking out o, my dick has gone7 - hate thinking about everything my )i,e

has seen this $ast month7 - hate that she4s seeing the absolute )orst ,rom me7

For better or ,or )orse6 in sickness and health – those are the vo)s )e said to each other6 and look at

me taking advantage o, those )ords to the ma#7 -4m going to thro) mysel, my o)n ,ucking $ity $arty

and ask her to buy me a bloody cake so - can celebrate7 Her ,ucking nutter o, an e# shot me like the

bastard co)ard he is7 He can4t ,ight like a man7 !o6 he hits )omen and )hen that doesn4t do it ,or him6

he shoots $eo$le7

-, - everA

- close my eyes as the s$onge moves over my body7 Her touch is gentle and soothing7 - can tell )ithout

even asking her6 that she4s been doing this the entire time -4ve been here7 -4m glad it4s her7



!ot that - )ant her to stare at my ,ucked u$ body6 but she has the most reason to take care o, me7 3ith

my luck - )ould $robably have got my o)n $ersonal Sam and she4d cut my cro)n 9e)els o,, or

something e8ually as messed u$7

- have my )i,e – one that loves me – no matter )hat and i, this doesn4t $rove that )e4re going to make

it through anything6 - don4t kno) )hat )ill7

- listen intently as she recounts )hat ha$$ened7 Her voice – it does something to me6 even though it

shouldn4t7 - shouldn4t be turned on right no)6 but - am7 My arm6 the one )ithout all the )ires6 tries to

move6 but it4s slo) and unsteady7 -t4s unbelievable ho) one month o, no movement renders it useless7

My ,ingers ,inally get close enough to touch her hair )hen she smiles at me7 She leans ,or)ard and rests

her head in the crook o, my neck7 My lim$ arm ,alls on her7 >omantic6 right<

.- 9ust )ant to hold you6 &enna7/ - can4t even begin to think ho) she4s ,elt this $ast month7 -, - do6 -4ll go

cra*y7 -, she )as in this bed and our roles )ere reversed6 - don4t kno) )hat - )ould4ve done7

Having her lie beside me isn4t enough6 but - kno) that4s all -4m going to get at the moment7 She4s not

going to let me get a)ay )ith anything7

.%ou should $ut your o#ygen mask on7/

- sco,, and roll my eyes7 .-4m trying to love you right no)7/ -4m almost out o, breath and can4t even think

about ho) di,,erent my li,e is going to be no)7 .- need to hold you7/

.- told you6 -4m not going any)here7/

She sits u$6 already breaking her $romise7

.%ou 9ust le,t me7/

She shakes her head and giggles7 .-4m covering you u$7 %ou don4t )ant to catch a cold and you don4t

)ant your mom to see you like this7/

.- think my mum kno)s )e have se#6 S)eet Li$s7/ - say6 $ointing to her belly7

.-ncorrigible6 that4s )hat you are7 3e can4t have se#6 &immy7 %ou need to heal7/

.But my se#y )i,ey6 you can straddle me and hang onto the rails7 -4ll do all the )ork6 - $romise7/ She4s

not buying it6 clearly7 She re@ties my ridiculous e#cuse ,or a hos$ital go)n and covers me back u$7

Tucking me in like -4m a baby7 - like being $am$ered6 but this is going to get old ,ast7

.&enna</

.%eah6 &immy</

.- love you7/

-4m re)arded )ith a smile that $uts all the others to shame7 .- love you too7/ - smile )eakly7 .-4m tired7/

.- kno) you are7 %ou should rest7 - )on4t go any)here7/ - don4t kno) )here the ,atigue came ,rom6 but

suddenly -4m e#hausted7 &enna sli$s my o#ygen mask over my nose and mouth and - instantly hate it7 -



can4t kiss her no)7 -t4s a sad realisation that - can4t do any o, the things - )ant to do )ith my )i,e right

no)6 e#ce$t look at her7

She sits do)n ne#t to me and holds my hand7 -s this )hat she did )hile - )as in a coma< =art o, me)ishes - kne)6 but the other $art doesn4t )ant to kno)7 - don4t )ant to kno) i, she cried6 although -

kno) she did7 - don4t )ant to kno) that she didn4t take care o, hersel,7 - can see it in her eyes7 She4s

tired7 She should4ve been taking care o, hersel, and Little One6 not sitting by my side day in6 day out7

But -4m ha$$y that she did7 -t )arms me to kno) that she never le,t my side6 that )hen things got rough

she anchored do)n and held us a,loat7

She4s the last thing - see )hen - close my eyes7 Her head rests on my bed ne#t to me7 - )ant to $ull her

into bed )ith me and hold her )hile - slee$6 but - kno) it4s not $ossible7 - heard everything the doctor

said6 - 9ust don4t )ant to believe it7 !o se# no) and it4ll be 8uestionable later and because o, the damage

to my lungs7 -4m not breathing at ,ull ca$acity4 )hatever the ,uck that means7 -4ll need $hysical thera$y

to hel$ me rebuild my stamina7 But the )orst thing< -4ll be carrying around an o#ygen tank )ith me ,or a

)hile until - can breathe on my o)n at ninety $ercent7 Fucking great7

3hen - )ake u$ my blinds are closed and it4s dark7 There4s a small light coming ,rom the corner6 but

that4s the only light - can see7 - reach ,or &enna6 but ,ind her s$ot is em$ty7 She4s not here7 She said she4d

never leave me7 My heart rate increases causing the machine to start bee$ing like )ild,ire7

.Hey6 )hat4s the matter</

My mum comes into vie)7 Her ,ingers )ork their )ay through my hair7 She did this )hen - )as little to

soothe me7 - close my eyes and let her )ork her magic as - try and calm do)n7 -4m a,raid to remove my

mask7 - can ,eel my lungs struggling to get air7 Tears sting my eyes7 - re,use to let the )ater dri$ do)nmy ,ace7 - )ill not cry6 not no)7 3ho kne) bullet holes )ould cause so much damage<

.re you okay</

- nod6 even though -4m not7 - )ant my )i,e to be sitting ne#t to me so - kno) she4s okay7 .&enna6/ -

mumble into my mask7 My mum smiles and - don4t kno) i, she4s doing so because -4m a)ake or i, she

actually understood )hat - said7

.%our )i,e is lovely6 &immy7 -4ve )atched her take care o, you ,or a month7 She loves you so much and is

very ha$$y that you4re having a baby together7 - never thought6 a,ter 5helsea6 that you4d ,all in love

again7 - had ho$ed6 but also realised that you )ere young6 hurt and going to do )hatever you needed to

mend your heart7

.The day you called and told me that you got married6 my ,irst thought )as that you )ere doing

something stu$id and reckless like - read about in the $a$ers7 3hen you said that she )as $regnant and

you )ere the ,ather6 my )ords )ere %ou don4t need to marry her because o, the baby6 you can )ork

something out6 maybe live together and raise the baby46 and do you remember )hat you said to me</

- shake my head7

.%ou said6 .Mum6 &enna is the one )oman that - can see mysel, ,alling in love )ith7 - didn4t marry her

because she4s having my bub6 - married her because she makes me ,eel )hole7



.-4ve )atched her6 &immy7 -4ve )atched her to see ho) she )as around you and do you kno) )hat -

sa)</

- shake my head again7

.- sa) a )oman )ho loves her husband )ith every bone in her body7 %ou both make me believe that it

doesn4t matter ho) you got together6 but )hat you do once you have each other is )hat counts7

Maybe that4s the secret7 Maybe everyone should marry someone they don4t kno) )ell and let li,e lead

them )herever it takes them7 3hatever 9ourney you6 &enna and Little One are on6 it4s the right one7 -

can see nothing but ha$$iness ,or you7

.- do )ish - had met her under di,,erent circumstances6 but - give my daughter@in@la) all the credit in the

)orld7 %ou )ere her $riority and she made sure you had the best care $ossible7 But - do think bath time

)as her ,avourite7/

- smile and move my mask u$7 .Mine too7/

3E are leaving 5hicago today a,ter being here ,or si#@)eeks7 &immy can4t )alk )ithout assistance yet

and it4s driving him batty7 =hysically6 he can )alk6 but his o#ygen levels are still too lo) to maintain his

normal habits7 This also means no $er,orming until he4s given the okay by his doctor7

-4m not even going to sugarcoat it -4m ready to go back to Beaumont7 -4m tired o, hos$ital li,e7

-4d like to say -4ll never be back6 but Little One4s due date is ,ast a$$roaching7 -4m 9ust thank,ul that

&immy )ill be there to hel$ bring her into the )orld because i, he missed this6 - don4t think he4d ,orgive

himsel,7

&immy4s most recent set o, #@rays sho) his lungs have healed6 but there4s scar tissue that could be

bothersome later in li,e7 He has to )ork )ith a $hysical thera$ist three days a )eek until he4s cleared7

Liam thought it )as a good idea ,or the band to get into sha$e6 so he hired a guy named le#ander

Dnight to see to the bands4 needs7 He4ll be doing &immy4s training as )ell7 Liam )ants to kee$ it all in the

,amily7 -, - didn4t kno) better -4d think that Liam is develo$ing a mob mentality7 !ot that you4re going to

hear me com$lain7

Datelyn and &osie have already dished on his deets7 He4s single6 goes by the nickname ander and has

the most delectable muscles7 This is ,rom &osie7 -t4s a good thing Liam has her )ra$$ed around his ,inger

because ander might be his com$etition7 Datelyn says his eyes are caramel colored and she might have

a hard time ,ocusing )hen he4s sho)ing her ho) to tone her arms7



(amien is still on the loose7 From )hat )e4ve been told6 his $arents )ere under surveillance ,or a )hile

and )ere even brought in ,or 8uestioning7 They admitted to kno)ing about the abuse6 saying that he

con,ided in them that he needed hel$6 but they didn4t )ant to meddle7 - don4t kno) i, - should thank

them ,or not meddling or bash their heads together ,or kee$ing their mouths shut7

-4m ha$$y )ith my husband )ho is slee$ing ,or the last time in his hos$ital bed7 Tonight6 he4ll be in the

com,orts o, our ne) home6 courtesy o, &osie and Datelyn7 Here4s )hat - learned7 My husband is a sneaky

little shit7 3hile he )as on tour6 instead o, resting or $re$aring ,or that night4s sho) he6 along )ith my

t)o best ,riends6 )ere $lotting behind my back to buy us a house7 3hen )e return to Beaumont -4ll be a

suburban house)i,e com$lete )ith a $orch s)ing and )hite $icket ,ence7 s much as - )ant to yell at

him6 - can4t7 He did this ,or me and Little One and -4m grate,ul7

-4ve s$ent many hours )atching &immy slee$7 -t4s ,unny6 - never thought it )ould be an activity that -4m

,ond o,6 but - am7 - think it4s the only time his mind shuts do)n and allo)s his body to rest because

)hen he4s a)ake6 he )antsA no6 he needsA to be a $art o, everything going on7

His dad )ill be here soon7 -4m dreading this and so is Brigette7 &ames had the audacity to ask ,or a

.$rivate/ visit6 )hich - vehemently denied7 - don4t trust him and - de,initely don4t )ant 5helsea in here

alone )ith him7 &immy is getting stronger by the day6 but he4s not in a $osition to ,end o,, un)anted

attacks by a $sycho e#@girl,riend or the verbal barrage his ,ather $lans to let loose7

Maybe 5helsea isn4t $sycho and that4s an un,air assessment7 From )hat -4ve learned they had a $retty

solid relationshi$6 until she scre)ed u$7 Maybe - should thank her because had she not6 - )ouldn4t be

standing here today7 nd &immy )ouldn4t be lying in a hos$ital bed )ith a machine hooked u$ to him

making sure he4s getting enough o#ygen7 So -4m the bad seed7 - brought this onto him7 - $ut him there7

(amn him and his intuitive mind kno)ing that the baby )as his7

.3hat are you thinking about</ his voice is ras$y6 se#y7 - )ant to hear him talk to me like this all day6 but

he can4t7 >ight no) the most he can go is t)enty minutes be,ore the mask has to go on6 and sooner i,

)e4ve been making out like horny teenagers7

- shake my head and )alk over to him7 - don4t )ant him to kno) -4m second guessing us meeting7

He doesn4t need to )orry about the guilt that -4m carrying around )ith me7 He4s in this bed because o,

me7 His lungs are damaged because - didn4t leave )hen - )anted to7 - let $eo$le convince me to stay

)hen - kne) ho) dangerous (amien )as6 albeit - never thought he4d try to kill someone7

My someone7

- lean do)n and kiss him7

.My li$s are dry6/ he says as - $ull a)ay7

- nod and reach into the bag o, essentials -4ve $laced ne#t to his bed7 There4s everything here that he

needs7 Li$ balm6 handi)i$es6 lotion and candy to suck on7 - $ull out the li$ balm and hand it to him7

-4m su$$osed to sto$ enabling him and let him do things ,or himsel,7 3hat the doctor doesn4t

understand is that - like doing these things ,or him7 -t4s intimate ,or us and )e need that right no)7

.%ou don4t )ant to do it ,or me</ he asks6 taking the tube ,rom my hand7



.- do6 but you4re su$$osed to do it yoursel,7/

.5ome here6/ he demands7 - lean ,or)ard so that -4m inches a)ay ,rom him7 He smiles as he unca$s the

li$ balm7 He $laces it on my li$s6 rubbing it back and ,orth on my bottom and to$ li$7 He leans ,or)ardand kisses me hard7 .There6 no) -4m all set7/

.%es6 you are7/

.Dnock6 knock7/

.%ou have com$any6/ - say 8uietly enough ,or him to hear me7 He closes his eyes and nods7

.- love you7/

- lean ,or)ard and kiss him again be,ore turning and $asting on a )elcoming ,ace7 - hear &immy ad9ust

his bed so he4s sitting u$ a bit more7

.5ome on in7/ - sit do)n ne#t to &immy7 Mean6 - kno)6 but - don4t )ant &ames and 5helsea to take u$

both sides o, him7

.%ou4re staying</ &ames asks in a snide tone7

.She4s my )i,e7 %ou better start acce$ting it7/

.!o need to get angry6 son7 - )as 9ust asking a 8uestion7 5helsea and - thought )e could s$end some

time )ith you7/

.3ell6 you can do it )ith &enna here7 nything that you need to say can be said in ,ront o, her7 -4m not

e#actly in a $osition to be able to re$eat mysel,7/

.Fair enough6/ &ames says as he sits do)n6 leaving 5helsea to stand or sit a)ay ,rom &immy6 )hich is my

$re,erence7 .Ho) are you ,eeling</

&immy shrugs and reaches ,or his )ater7 - let him do it on his o)n7 The last thing - )ant is hear his

,ather4s sneering comments about me enabling him7

.-4m ,ine7 -4m glad -4m going home today7/

.%ou4re going home< !o one told me7/ &ames looks at me6 raising his eyebro)7

.&enna doesn4t o)e you anything6 (ad6 and neither do -7 -4m not even sure )hy you4re here7/ &ames

leans closer resting his head in his hands and takes a dee$ breath7 - have to give him credit he4s $uttingon a great $er,ormance ,or &immy4s sake7 By his e#$ression6 he4s not buying it7 5helsea hu,,s ,rom her

corner7 - can4t hel$ but laugh7 She lost &immy and ended u$ )ith his ,ather7 -t4s gross to even think

about7 3hat )ould $ossess someone to stoo$ so lo)<

.- care about you &immy7 3hen - sa) the re$ort –/

.- sa) it ,irst6/ 5helsea blurts out7 3ell6 good ,or her7

&ames rolls his eyes7 .3hen 5helsea called and told me6 )e had to come7/ &immy $icks at his blanket7 -

can tell he4s not amused7 His heart rate is starting to $ick u$ too7 - )atch the monitor ,or signs o,

distress7 -4ll kick his dad out i, - have to7



.%ou should4ve stayed at home7/

.&immy –.

.!o6 you listen to me6/ he says7 - $ut my hand on him to try and kee$ him calm7 .- )ent back to L to tie

u$ some loose ends and to tell you that - )as married7 To share )ith you that -4m ha$$y and that my

)i,e and - are having a baby and )hat do you do< %ou tell me to get an annulment and ignore her7

s i, that )asn4t bad enough6 youA/ he $oints to 5helsea7 .Move into my ,lat and try to $in your

$regnancy on me7 %eah6 - )as ,ucking stu$id to even consider taking you back be,ore - kne) about

&enna6 but - couldn4t get her out o, my head6 so - did the right thing and le,t7 But no6 you had to go and

$ull this ridiculous stunt thinking - )ouldn4t ,ind out6 but - did7 -4m not your baby4s ,ather and you6/ he

says looking back at his dad7 .3hat the ,uck is )rong )ith you< 5helsea and - )ere together ,or three

years and you think in your ,ucked u$ little mind that it4s okay to slee$ )ith her<

.%ou kno) - had ,orgiven you ,or leaving )hen - )as little6 but thisA -4ve made changes in my li,e and -think you need to be one o, them7 3hat you4ve done is so lo) - don4t think - can ,orgive you7 - can4t look

at the both o, you across a ,amily dinner and think that this situation is okay and -4m de,initely not

letting my daughter be a $art o, it7/

.%ou have some $retty $o)er,ul )ords there6 son7/

.%eah )ell6 you4ve done some $retty shitty things to me in my li,e7/

.%ou dum$ed 5helsea6 do you need a reminder</

&immy $urses his li$s6 shaking his head7 .!o6 the vision o, her getting shagged ,rom behind )ith a dick in

her mouth is still $retty damn clear7/

- gas$ and look at 5helsea )ho isn4t making eye contact )ith anyone7 - kne) she cheated6 but had no

idea it )as that bad7 &immy clutches my hand7 .-4m sorry6/ - say to him7

.3hy< -4m sure as hell not7 -, - hadn4t caught her - $robably )ouldn4t be married to you right no) and

this is de,initely )here - )ant to be7/

My eyes start to )ater )ith his con,ession7 -4m sure he4s rethinking some o, this7 3ithout me he

)ouldn4t be in this bed6 unable to breathe ,ully on his o)n7

&immy turns and looks at 5helsea7 .- 9ust )ant to kno) )hy< 3hat )ould $ossess you to slee$ )ith my

dad and then try and $in his baby on me</

.- love him6/ she re$lies )eakly7

He shakes his head and looks like he4s in need o, his mask7

.&immy6/ - say 8uietly7

.-4m okay7/ He takes a dee$ breath and -4m there6 ready to $ut his mask on i, need be6 but he doesn4t

give me the o$$ortunity7 .- loved you 5helsea until you thre) it all a)ay7 3e had a good li,e and -

treated you like a ,ucking $rincess7 - $ut u$ )ith the bullshit ,rom yourA/ &immy sto$s s$eaking7 He tries

to laugh6 )hich only causes a coughing ,it7 -4m about to $ut an end to this meeting )hen he smiles at



me7 - shake my head6 but he starts talking again7 .- get it no)7 %our $arents don4t kno) you4ve been

shagging my old man6 do they</

5helsea shakes her head7 This is like a never@ending $ing $ong match )ith the back and ,orth7

.- see ho) it is7 -4m the lesser o, t)o evils )here the (avis men are concerned6 so you thought you4d

come back to me and that -4d ,orgive you6 and oo$s 5helsea4s $regnant and &immy4s doing the right

thing7 3hat you didn4t count on )as me $ushing you a)ay or me seeing you have a ,ull on snogging

session )ith my dad at a co,,ee sho$7/

Both 5helsea and &ames4 mouths dro$ o$en7

.%eah6 - sa) you so that4s ho) - kne)7 -t4s )hy - never called7 -t4s )hy6 )hen my )i,e asked me to

change my number6 - did immediately )ithout hesitation7 - bloody kne) you )ere lying7 - kne) it7

The sad $art is that - let this bullshit almost ruin my chance )ith &enna7 Thank God she loves me becausei, - didn4t have her right no) because o, you t)oA - don4t kno) )hat -4d do7 s ,ar as -4m concerned the

$air o, you are dead to me7 %ou4re nobodies7 %ou don4t e#ist in my li,e anymore7/

.Son6 you can4t say that7/

.- can7 %ou sle$t )ith my e#6 that4s lo) enough as it is6 but then you had to take it one ste$ ,urther and

encourage her to $in the $regnancy on me )hen you kne) - )as married7 %ou kne) - )as having a baby

and that didn4t sto$ you7/

- $ut my hand on his shoulder to calm him do)n7 - kne) this )as a mistake6 but he insisted7 &immy

closes his eyes6 as his chest moves ra$idly7 - $ull his mask over his head )hether he )ants it there or

not7 These $eo$le aren4t )orth my husband being unable to breathe7

.&ust until you4re able to catch your breath6/ - )his$er in his ear7 He nods and kee$ing his eyes closed7 -

have to say6 -4m sure the $ictures his mind can con9ure u$ right no) have to be better than staring at his

,ather and e#@girl,riend7

.- love you6/ - say6 reassuring him that -4m here and not going any)here7 -t doesn4t matter ho) scre)ed

u$ this situation is7 - have my o)n skeletons that he4s overlooking7 -4m in this ,or li,e7

&immy $ulls his mask do)n and looks in the direction o, &ames7 .-4m disgusted that - have the same

name as you7/ &immy covers his ,ace )ith his hands as - lean on his shoulder7 - can4t even imagine )hat

he4s going through right no)7

&immy looks at his dad7 .%ou need to leave no)7 -4m going home today6 )ith my )i,e and my ,riends7/

.%our home is in Los ngeles7 %ou kno) you )on4t be able to stay a)ay7/

.That4s )here you4re )rong6 (ad7 %ou don4t have anything - need or )ant7 &enna has it all7 She4s my

home7/



.OD%6 &immy6 9ust one minute le,t7/ ander is standing behind me ready to catch me i, - tri$ or lose my

,ooting7 -4ve never been a ,an o, running and running on this bloody treadmill makes me hate it even

more6 but it4s )orking6 this $hysical thera$y bollocks6 so -4m trying my hardest not to com$lain7

3e - say )e because &enna hasn4t le,t my side have been home ,or a month7 &enna4s in her last ,e))eeks o, $regnancy and -4m determined -4m going to be in the delivery room )ith her and )ithout my

need ,or o#ygen7 For the ma9ority o, the time6 - can )alk around the house )ithout any com$lications7

t night6 -4m hooked u$ to a machine and - ,ucking des$ise it7 >ight no)6 - can4t be the husband that -

)ant or need to be and it makes me ,eel like -4m less than ade8uate7

- look at the dis$lay on the treadmill and )atch the seconds tick do)n7 My lungs are burning6 but

thank,ully -4m not gas$ing ,or air like - )as )hen - ,irst started this regimen7 3hen - started6 - didn4t last

thirty seconds )ithout ander having to hold me u$ so he could sli$ my o#ygen mask over my ,ace7 -, -

ever ,elt emasculated6 it )as in that moment7 -4m 9ust thank,ul that no one sa) me but him7

He )orks )ith com$lete $ro,essionalism and he didn4t molly@coddle me7 He $ut me straight back on the

treadmill and told me to start again7 Because o, ander6 -4ll be stronger and healthier )hen Little One

arrives7

The red lights ,lash and indicate that my training is done7 - go ,rom a steady 9og to a brisk )alk to cool

do)n and decrease my heart rate7 My hands ,ind the railings as my lungs start to $rotest at the amount

o, )ork they4re doing7 - can see ander as he moves behind me6 )aiting7 The mirror that -4m staring at

tells me everything - need to kno) he4s )aiting ,or me to colla$se6 but -4m not going to do it6 not this

time7

.Ho) are you ,eeling</

.On to$ o, the )orld6/ - lie7 -4m okay6 but not great and haven4t been since the shooting7 .-4m getting

better7/ !ot a lie6 but not e#actly the truth either7 %es6 - ,eel better6 but this is a $ainstakingly slo)

$rocess7 - )ant results instantly6 like that miracle diet that you hear about on the radio7 -nstant results7 -,

you starve yoursel, to death6 that is7

-4m running mysel, to death and as much as -4d like to give u$ and )allo) in a sel,@im$osed $ity $arty6 -

)on4t7 -t4s not ,air on &enna to have hal, a husband 9ust because her e# )ent $sycho and tried to kill me7

She )as already dealt a shitty hand )ith him7 - re,use to let it ha$$en again )ith me7 -4ll be )hole again

be,ore Little One arrives i, it kills me7 nd - )ill make my )i,e ,eel good again7

.%ou4re doing )ell6 &immy7/



.Thanks6/ - say as - ste$ o,, the treadmill7 My legs don4t $rotest as much as they did )hen - started and

that4s a good thing7 My lungs do enough com$laining ,or the rest o, my body7 They scream ,or air and

instead o, giving in6 - go through the breathing e#ercises that - learned )ith &enna at her Lama*e classes7

.(o you have your breathing under control</ ander asks7

- nod and inhale my ne#t breath be,ore e#haling and rela#ing7 3ho kne) her antenatal classes )ould

hel$ me like this< - never )ould have believed it and -4ve de,initely ke$t that in,ormation to mysel,7

There4s no )ay -4d share my kno)ledge )ith Liam or Harrison7 ander kno)s though6 and - can trust him

not to say anything to them7

ander has 8uickly become $art o, the band and integrated )ell7 3e4ve taken to him too7 t ,irst - didn4t

)ant to trust him6 but he4s given me no reason not to7 He4s honest and very u$,ront about his li,e7 He

recently graduated ,rom university and took the ,irst 9ob he )as o,,ered )hich ha$$ened to be in

Beaumont7 Sadly ,or the rehab ,acility6 Liam came along and hired him ,ull@time to kee$ us all in sha$e7 -t

might not be ander4s dream 9ob6 but he4s being $aid )ell and he gets to travel7

.3hat time4s your a$$ointment</ he asks as he checks my $ulse7

.-n an hour6/ - ans)er7 -4m sur$rised my voice isn4t ras$y ,rom the e#tensive breathing7 &enna4s

commented many times about my ras$y voice6 but other than )his$ering dirty )ords into her ear6 -

haven4t been able to take advantage o, it to its ,ull e#tent7 nother kill@9oy i, you ask me7

.- think the outcome )ill be $ositive7 -4ll send my re$ort over a,ter you leave so your doctor can see your

latest results7/

.Thank you7/

.3hat are you ho$ing to achieve )ith this visit</

.Se#6/ - blurt out7

ander4s mouth dro$s o$en as he tries to com$ose himsel, and not to have a reaction at my verbal

diarrhea7 - realise my mistake by the sheer look o, horror s$reading across his ,ace7

.- mean )ith &enna7 - haven4t been able to have se# )ith her ,or months and the ache is killing me7/

.%ou had me there ,or a minute7/

.Liam )ould kill meA i, - cheated on &enna7/

ander nods7 .He4s $rotective7/

.Fiercely6 but - admire him ,or it7 - kno) i, - ste$ out o, line6 he4ll be there to give me an arse kicking7/

.Someho) - don4t think you4d do that to &enna7/

He4s right6 - )ouldn4t7 She deserves to be the ha$$iest )oman in the )orld and hell )ould ,ree*e over

be,ore - disa$$oint her7

.!o6 - )ouldn4t7 ny )oman )ho4s been through )hat she has deserves to be doted on7 - need to be

)hole again so - can be that man ,or her7 - miss being )ith her7/



.- miss you too7/

- turn around and see my )i,e standing at the door7 Her hand6 the one that has my ring on it6 rests on

her belly7 Little One has run out o, s$ace and needs to get here already7 !ot only am - an#ious to meether6 but &enna is too7 - ,eel like she4s been $regnant ,orever and - kno) she ,eels the same7 She4s

beauti,ul though7 Everything about her shines like a diamond and )hen she smiles6 it makes me go )eak

in the knees7 - ho$e that ,eeling never goes a)ay7

.m - interru$ting</

My teeth bite my lo)er li$ as she )alks closer7 &esus6 this doctor needs to tell me it4s okay to have se#

)ith her7 - need to ,eel her and be close to her7 Holding her at night does not sate my desire7 Her arm

slides around my )aist and - instantly bury my ,ace in her hair7 - kiss her neck lightly6 enough so she

kno)s -4ve been thinking about her6 but not too much to embarrass her in ,ront o, ander7

.3e4re 9ust about ,inished6/ ander says7 He )alks to his desk6 thank,ully leaving me )ith &enna7

.-4m ,eeling o$timistic7/

.&immy6 it4s okay i, )e can4t7 %ou kno) that7/

- shake my head7 .!o6 it4s not7 -t4s been a month and -4m much better7 Even ander says so7 He better

have a damn good reason )hy - can4t have se# )ith my )i,e or -4m going to ,reak the ,uck out on him7/

.(on4t be so dramatic7/

.-4m horny7/

.%ou4re insatiable7 %ou kno)6 -4ve bragged to &osie and Datelyn about that be,ore7/ - cringe7 "s guysdon4t do the kiss n4 tell thing7 - don4t )ant to kno) about )hat they do )ith their )omen7 .%ou talk

about me to &osie and Datelyn</

She nods as her hand grabs my )aist7 .- tell them everything like that little trick you do )ith your

tongue7 Or ho) you like to –/

- $ut my hand over her mouth to shut her u$7 - can4t listen to this6 not right no)7 - ste$ ,or)ard and

grind into her7 .-, the doctor says yes6 -4m shagging you in the car7 !o ,ore$lay6 no di$$ing my ,ingers ,or

a taste o, your s)eet $ussy7 -4m going to drive us to a deserted road and ,uck you senseless6/ - )his$er

in her ear7

.&immy6/ her voice is 8uiet6 )anting7 - don4t care )hat she says7 She )ants it7 She )ants me buried dee$inside o, her to ease the ache7 That4s one very im$ortant ,actor in our relationshi$7 3e turn each other

on and are both )illing to give in to each other6 and - $lan to take ,ull advantage7

.H- &immy6 ho) are you ,eeling</ the doctor )alks in and s$eaks )ithout looking at me7 His ,ace is glued

to his tablet7 - kno) this o,,ice is using tablets ,or their charts6 but ,or the love o, God6 make eye contact

)ith me so you can see ho) )ell -4m doing7

.-4m good7/



He sits do)n and ty$es7 &enna sits in the corner6 reading a maga*ine7 - ,ind mysel, )ishing it )as =layboy

or something to get her in the mood7 - )asn4t kidding )hen - told her my $lans7 Today6 ,ore$lay is

overrated7 - have time to make u$ ,or it7 Besides6 the moment - touch her6 -4m going to blo) my load7

.Mr7 Dnight says everything4s looking good7 %our o#ygen level is about ninety $ercent7 - still )ant to see

it higher6 but as long as you don4t over e#ert yoursel, - don4t see a need to carry the tank around

anymore7 - still )ant you to slee$ )ith it though until your level increases7/

.5an - have se#</

.&immy/ &enna screeches7

The doctor starts laughing7 .%es6 &immy6 you4re clear to have se# as long as your tank is near in the event

you start to hy$erventilate6 )hich - think might ha$$en7/

.!o kidding6/ - say7 .re )e done here</

.%es6 &immy7 3e4ll see you in t)o )eeks7 Have ,un you t)o6/ he says6 )inking at me be,ore leaving the

room7

- )ait ,or the door to shut be,ore turning my attention to &enna7 She4s trying to ignore me6 but it )on4t

)ork7

.(id you hear him</

.%es6 he says you need an a$$ointment in t)o )eeks7/

.&enna6/ - )hine7

.&immy6/ she says as she stands u$ and )alks over to me7 .-4ll be )aiting in the car7/ Be,ore - can react

she4s out o, the door and -4m le,t )ith a raging hard on and a visit to the rece$tionist to get another

a$$ointment7

3HE! - get into the car - don4t say anything7 - slide6 ,or the ,irst time in months6 into the driver4s seat7

&enna4s looks out the )indo)7 There4s a smile on her ,ace7 %eah6 she kno)s )hat4s coming7 - start the

car and ad9ust the volume on the radio7 Lyrics )a,t through the s$eakers easing the tension that -4m

,eeling7 - haven4t had this ,eeling since - )as a teenager7

My $alms s)eat against the steering )heel7 -4m trying my hardest not to look over at &enna until - get to

our destination7 -t4s ,ucking tough though7 - )ant to touch her no)7 - )ant to hold her hand6 but -4m

a,raid that i, - let go -4ll s)erve o,, the road7

3hy am - nervous< -t4s something - can4t ,igure out7 -t4s not like )e haven4t been together be,ore7

Looking at her belly is evidence enough7 But it4s been months since )e4ve been together and -4ve been

out o, commission7

- turn do)n a deserted road and drive into the )oods7 -4ve driven out here a ,e) times to clear my head

and try to ,ind the courage to ask &enna out7 Thing is6 - didn4t need courage6 - 9ust needed kno)ledge and

it )as Liam )ho su$$lied that to me one night in the studio7 - $ark the car and turn o,, the engine7 - $lug

my $hone into the au# $ort and $ick one o, the many $laylists - have ,or &enna7



.Ho) are )e going to do this</

- look at my )i,e )hose eyes are )andering7 .- think )e4ve mastered the art o, having se#6 S)eet Li$s7/

&enna shakes her head7 .-4m big6 &immy7 -t4s not like - can lie do)n7/ - )ish she4d listen to me )hen - tell

her that - think she4s beauti,ul7 That she4s the most gorgeous )oman -4ve ever seen7 - get out o, the car

and )alk to her side6 o$ening the door and holding out my hand ,or her7 She tries to )alk a)ay ,rom

me6 but - sto$ her7 - s$in her around and $in her against the car7

- bury my nose in her hair as my hands move u$ her sides7 My ,ingers dance under her shirt6 inching

their )ay to her ,ull tits7

.- don4t think you4re ,at7 - think you4re se#y as ,uck and my dick )ants to be buried in you7/ &enna thro)s

her head back )hen my ,ingers s8uee*e her ni$$les7 - latch onto her neck6 biting her gently7 My cock

aches6 begging ,or release7 - kno) - )on4t last7 -4m not e#$ecting much7 =ulling my hands a)ay ,rom her

chest6 - ,ind the )aistband o, her shorts and slide them do)n her leg6 taking her knickers )ith them7

.Ste$ out6/ - re8uest7 She ste$s out o, her shorts6 never turning to look at me7 - $lace them on the hood

o, the car7 - dro$ my shorts6 and my cock s$rings against the s)ell o, her arse7 She moans )hen - touch

her con,irming )hat - already kno) – she )ants this7

My leg $ushes against hers6 )idening her stance7

.=ut your ,oot on the tyre7/ !ever have - been so thank,ul ,or her small car7 -4m going to buy her a ne)

one be,ore the baby is born but )e might need to kee$ this one ,or some little e#cursions7

She does as - ask6 allo)ing me $lenty o, s$ace to ste$ ,or)ard7 - e#hale loudly the second my dick comes

in contact )ith her7 She bends6 arching her back7 Begging me to ,ill her7 - meet her re8uest )ith nohesitation7

- gri$ her hi$s6 steadying her7 - move in and out6 slo)ly7 - need to last7 - need to e#$erience this as i, it

)as our ,irst time7 3ith each thrust6 she gets louder7 My name ,alls ,rom her li$s in the most sensual

)ay7 -t s$urs me to increase my s$eed and as much as - )ant to $rolong it6 - can4t7

- slam into her as my hand snakes under her shirt7 - $ull do)n her bra and $alm her breast7 She $ushes

into me6 rocking her hi$s7 -4m so close6 but - )ant her )ith me7 - )ant to ,eel her clench as - $um$ into

her7 My ,ingers rub on her s)ollen clit7 -t4s hard and ready to e#$lode7

.Oh ,uck6 &enna7 Oh ,uck6 ,uck ,uck6/ - say )ith each thrust7

.-A -4mA/

.Fuck S)eet Li$s - can ,eel you coming7/

&enna moans loudly7 Her head is resting against the car7 - bite do)n on her shoulder the moment - ,eel

my body tense7 - $um$ into her ,aster6 $ounding my hi$s into hers7

My head rests against her back6 my breathing laboured6 but not out o, control7 .Fuck6 &enna - needed

that7 God6 -4ve missed you so much7/



-4ve never craved se# the )ay - have these $ast ,e) months7 - guess )hat they say is true7 Once you ,ind

your one6 you kno)7

- sit u$6 moving as little as $ossible so not to disturb &immy7 He still needs to slee$ and heal7 -4m ecstatic

that his road to recovery is almost com$lete7 3atching him )ith ander yesterday ,illed me )ith such$ride7 To see him )orking so hard to achieve his goal is beyond re)arding7 He kno)s the guilt - carry and

is determined to $rove to me that he4s ,ine7

-4m sore right no) and )ith each movement the ache intensi,ies7 - kno) -4m su$$osed to love this

,eeling a,ter s$ending the night )ith my husband6 but right no) - 9ust )ant to roll into the ,etal $osition

and lie on the bathroom ,loor7

The cold hard)ood ,loor makes me ,eel a little better7 - must be coming do)n )ith the ,lu7 - rest my

hand against my ,orehead7 -4m )armer than usual7 - don4t kno) ho) -4ll handle being sick and this

$regnant7 -4m almost unbearable no)7 cold on to$ o, this )ill 9ust make me a raging bitch7 Each ste$ -

take do)n the stairs hurts7

.Morning6 darling6/ Brigette says over her cu$ o, co,,ee7 She )ent back to London brie,ly be,ore coming

to Beaumont7 She4s going to hel$ )ith the baby )hen she gets here7 - think it4s im$ortant ,or her and

Little One to bond6 es$ecially since she lives so ,ar a)ay7 - asked &immy i, he thinks his mom )ill move

here and he said no because it )as too close to his dad even though his dad is in Los ngelesA $laying

house )ith &immy4s e#7

.Morning6/ - say6 leaning u$ against the kitchen counter7 - look out into the backyard and smile7

!ick6 bless his heart6 built Little One a $layhouse to match our house7 Our house7 - still can4t get over

saying that7 -t has everything - never kne) - )anted7 -t4s a t)o@story colonial )ith a big ,enced@in yard

and the necessary $rivacy )e need7 s soon as - sa) the dark slate blue $aint and )hite shutters - )as in

love7 - didn4t care )hat the inside looked like because 9ust standing outside6 - had my dream home7

.re you okay</ Brigette asks6 coming to stand ne#t to me7 - shake my head and lean do)n to rest my

head on the counter7

.Everything aches and - think - have a ,ever7/

.Let me check7/ - allo) this because she4s become my second mom even though )e4ve 9ust met7 -4d give

anything to have my mom here and she )ill be soon6 but right no) -4m ha$$y that Brigette is )ith us7

.%ou do ,eel a little )arm7 3hy don4t you go and lie do)n</



.&immy4s slee$ing and - don4t )ant to disturb him7/

.The so,a )ill su,,ice7/ She starts to guide me to the couch6 but my stomach isn4t having any o, it7 - cover

my mouth and run o,, to the bathroom7 Brigette ,ollo)s and holds my hair back as - e#$el last night4sdinner into the $orcelain God7

- heave again and ,eel a )arm trickle run do)n my legs7 .Shit - 9ust $issed mysel,6/ - say through tears7

Today is not going to be a great day ,or me7

.(oes your back hurt</

- nod7 .Everything hurts7/

Brigette hel$s me stand and o,,ers me a )ashcloth and a glass o, )ater7 .Honey6 you4re in labour7

Sit do)n and -4ll go and )ake u$ &immy and get you a change o, clothes7/

.-t4s not time7/

.$$arently Little One says it is7 %ou4ll be ,ine7 !o) sit6 -4ll be right back7/ - do as she says6 e#ce$t the

moment - touch the seat a )arm geyser rushes out bet)een my legs soaking the ,loor mat along )ith

my yoga $ants7

.&immy6/ - scream ,or him7 - can hear him coming do)n the stairs too ,ast7 - close my eyes )hen - hear a

loud thunk ,ollo)ed by a string o, curse )ords7 - stand only to be met )ith an e#cruciating $ain across

my stomach7 .Oh holy shit6/ - say as - bend over7

.&enna6/ he says as he comes running into the bathroom7 .(id you $iss yoursel,6 S)eet Li$s</ - roll my

eyes and am about to give him a dirty look )hen - see ho) red and s)ollen his eye is7

.&immy6 your eye</

.3hat4s )rong )ith it</ He stands in ,ront o, the mirror and ,i#es his hair7 .Oh yeah6 it looks like -4ll have

a nice shiner7/ He leans ,or)ard6 e#amining himsel,7

.&immy6/ - )hine as another contraction rolls over me7

He turns and looks at me7 .Oh shit6 - ,orgot7/

Great

He $ulls me into his arms7 - lean on him6 hobbling like -4ve broken every bone in my body7 .Let4s get youto the hos$ital7/

.- need to change ,irst7/

.&enna6 don4t be vain6 you4re ,ine7 Besides they4ll give you a go)n7/

.-4m not beingA ahhhhhh6 holy ,uck7/ - lean against the )all and )ork on my breathing techni8ue7

.3hat the hell6 &enna</

.Oh God6 &immy6 -4m in ,reaking labor7 3here4s your mom</



.>ight here6 darling7 5ome on let4s go and get you changed7 &immy6 by the door is &enna4s hos$ital bag7

Take it to the car and bring the car around so )e can leave7/

."mA/

.!o)6 &immy6 or &enna )ill be delivering Little One on your ,loor7/

.Okay6 mum6 but you4ll stay )ith &enna</

.%es6 no) go7/

The back and ,orth )ith them is di**ying7 - lean on Brigette ,or su$$ort as she )alks me back to the

bathroom7 She leans me against the counter )hile she $icks u$ the soaked ,loor mat7

.-4ll take care o, that later7 !o) let4s get you changed7/

That a)k)ard moment )hen your mother@in@la) is seeing your lady bits and you don4t care7 - don4teven care that she4s running a )arm )ash cloth u$ my legs7 - )ant to be clean be,ore having this baby7

.Thank you7/

.For )hat6 darling</

.For being here and acce$ting me7/

Brigette stands be,ore me7 .%ou make my son ha$$y7 That4s something - haven4t seen in a very long

time7 - should be the one thanking you7/

- try to smile in return6 but another contraction )ashes over me7 This one is harder and longer7 .- think

)e should go7/

.- agree7/ Brigette )ashes u$ be,ore dressing me 8uickly7 She holds my arm as )e )alk to the door7

&immy4s $acing in the yard )ith a cigarette hanging out o, his mouth7

.&immy/ The both o, us yell7 He looks at us6 shocked7

.3hat the hell are you doing</

.3aiting ,or you6/ he e#claims7

.3hy are you smoking</ - demand7

He $ulls it a)ay ,rom his li$s and looks at it7 .-t4s not lit6 innit</ - bro) beat him until he sets it do)n7

.%ou4re going to kill yoursel,7/

.- )asn4t going to light it7 5ome on6 S)eet Li$s6 let4s go have a baby7/ -nstead o, )alking to the car6

&immy $icks me u$ and carries me7 He shouldn4t be doing this6 but - ,eel so much better being in his

arms7 He sets me in the car and even $uts on my seatbelt7 Brigette climbs in the back as &immy gets

behind the )heel7

.- need to call my mom7/



.lready taken care o,6 - called her )hen - )as getting your clothes7 She4ll be on the ne#t ,light out6/

Brigette says7 She starts rubbing my shoulders6 easing a)ay some o, the tension building7 - close my eyes

and try to rela# and breathe through my contractions7

.3e4re here6/ &immy says6 slamming the car into $ark7

.Take her in &immy and -4ll $ark the car7/

Be,ore - kno) )hat4s ha$$ening my door is o$en and -4m in his arms7 .=ut me do)n6 you4re going to

hurt yoursel,7/

.Bollocks6 - don4t )ant the baby to ,all out7/

Only my husband )ould think that7

.Hi Mrs7 (avis6 ready to have your baby6 - see7/

.%e$6 she4s like a burst $i$e6 she4s leaking so much6/ &immy blurts out7

.That4s normal7 Follo) me7/

Still in &immy4s arms6 )e )alk do)n the hall into a room that is decorated in $assion $ink7 &immy groans

and - )ant to bleach my eyes7 3ho6 in their right mind6 decorates like this< (o they think all )omen are

the same and 9ust )ant to stare at $ink ,lo)ers )hile $ushing out a )atermelon<

.This room looks like a bottle o, =e$to thre) u$7/

The nurse looks at me and smiles7 &immy sets me do)n on the bed and stares at my ,eet7 .%ou4re not

)earing any shoes7/

- look do)n6 he4s right7 .-magine that7 Guess - )ould4ve kno)n had - )alked to the car7/ The nurse

laughs7 .=ut this on and get com,ortable7 -4ll be back7/ Famous last )ords7

.OH my God it hurts so much6/ - )hine to anyone )ho4ll listen7 -4m uncom,ortable and tired7 -4ve been

)alking u$ and do)n the hall do*ens o, times7 -4ve sat in every $osition ever created7 -4ve rocked on a

ball through my contractions and nothingA nothing is making them go a)ay7

.-t4s almost over6 babe7/

.Ho) the hell do you kno)6 &immy< (o you have some magic s$idey sense telling you that the baby is

almost here</

.!o6 - 9ust thought /

.Sto$ thinking7/

.Okay7/

.Okay< !othing is okay7 -4m in $ain and your daughter is stretching me as ,ar as the Grand 5anyon7

Ho) is this okay</



&immy closes his eyes and rests his head ne#t to mine7 - )ant to $ush him a)ay6 but he gives me the

coveted ice chi$s that are like crack7 - kno) he4s holding them hostage and )aiting ,or me to say nice

things to him6 but that4s not going to ha$$en7 -4m angry )ith him right no)7

.- love you6 &immy7/

.Love you too6 S)eet Li$s7/

My body tightens as a contraction )orks its )ay through my abdomen7 .-t hurts6/ - )hine7 Tears or

maybe 9ust s)eat6 roll do)n my ,ace7

.-4m sorry7/

.%ou should be7 -t4s your demon s$erm that did this to me7/

.&enna /

.(on4t &enna me7 - let you stick that thing in me and no) look at me7/

.%ou4re having a baby6/ he says as i, he4s trying to s)eeten me u$7

.Babies aren4t this evil7/ - try to turn a)ay ,rom him6 but he holds onto me7 -t should $iss me o,,6 but it

doesn4t7

.- need to go to the bathroom6/ - say as the $ressure increases7

.-4ll call the doctor7/ &immy stands but - $ull him back to me7

.%ou can4t leave me6/ - cry out7

.-4m not going to6 don4t )orry7/ He reaches over and $resses the call button7 The door bangs o$en6

causing me to 9um$7

.Ho) are you ,eeling6 &enna</ the nurse asks7

.- need to go to the bathroom7/

.Let me have a look7/ Say )hat< The nurse li,ts my blanket and $uts my ,eet into the stir@u$s7 Ho) in the

hell is she going to check and see i, - have to go to the bathroom< -s there some monitor -4m not a)are

o,< .Looks like )e4re ready to start $ushing7/

3hat4s this )e shit< -s she $ushing too<

The nurse leaves me )ith my legs )ide o$en on this 9oke o, a bed only to return )ith the doctor7 He sits

do)n and smiles7

5ree$y7

.&immy6 do you remember )hat they taught you in Lama*e</

.%eah6 - do7/

.3ell6 it4s time7 Okay6 &enna6 on the count o, three - )ant you to $ush7/

.Ho) the hell do - do that</



.- thought you said you had to go to the bathroom</ he asks7

.- do6 but you )on4t let me u$6/ - beg7

.&enna6 it4s your body4s )ay o, telling you it4s time to $ush7 =ush out your little girl so you can meet her7/

Easier said than done in my o$inion6 but it4s clear no one cares )hat - think7

&immy hel$s me sit u$7 He holds my hand as - bear do)n7

.-t burns7/

.gain6 &enna7/

- do this again and again7 Over and over7 Each one is more ta#ing than the one be,ore7 &immy ,eeds me

ice chi$s in bet)een the contractions and $ushing7 He also )i$es my ,orehead ,or me and moves my

hair a)ay ,rom my ,ace7 He4s doting )hen all - )ant to do right no) is $unch him in the 9unk7 - never)ant to do this again7

.- can4t do this anymore6/ - say6 out o, breath7

.%es6 you can6 S)eet Li$s7 &ust one more time7/

.Oh6 )hat do you kno)< %ou4re never touching me again )ith that evil $enis o, yours7 -t4s bad ne)s7/

.Okay7/

.Okay< 3hat6 am - not se#y enough to have se# )ith no)< -s it my ,ault my vagina is going to be as )ide

as the tlantic</

.3ith $ro$er e#ercises you can decrease the stretching6/ the nurse by my head says7 &immy and - both

look at her7 He shakes his head and mutters6 .not cool7/

.&immy it hurts7/

.- kno)7 -4m sorry7/

.Okay6 &enna6 she4s almost here7 Take a look6/ the doctor says7

&immy and the nurse lean me ,or)ard and - can see the to$ o, her head7 She has dark hair – it4s slimy

no) but - bet it4s beauti,ul7

.Look6 that4s our baby7/

.She4s going to be gorgeous like her mum6/ he says6 kissing me on the li$s7 .One more $ush6 S)eet Li$s6

and you4ll get to hold her7/

- nod and bear do)n again7 - scream6 ho$ing that the e#ertion )ill move her along7 - cry )hen the

$ressure releases and ,all back against my bed7 &immy stands there looking at the doctor as he4s handed

a $air o, scissors7 3ailing starts immediately and )hile - should be concerned that he4s cut our child6 -4m

not7 -4m ,alling in love )ith someone - haven4t even seen yet7

Little One is set on my chest )hile the nursing sta,, and doctors ,inish u$ )ith me7 &immy sits do)n

beside us7 He takes my hand in his and brings it to his li$s7



.-4m a,raid to touch her6/ - say7

.- kno)6 me too7 3e might break her7/

Little One o$ens her eyes brie,ly be,ore closing them again7

.%ou should hold her6/ the nurse says7

- run my ,inger do)n her nose and over her cheek7 She reacts by moving her head to )here my ,inger is

going7 - try not to giggle6 but - can4t hel$ it7

.She4s ,ucking beauti,ul6 &enna7 Thank you so much7/ &immy stands and kisses me be,ore kissing Little

One7

.She is6 isn4t she</

The nurse takes her ,rom us to run all the necessary tests to make sure she4s okay7 To me6 she looks$er,ect6 but -4m her mom? -4m going to be biased7

- hold &immy against my chest6 my tears )etting his hair7 .-4m sorry ,or being so mean7/ He shakes his

head and $ulls a)ay7 His eyes are ,illed )ith tears6 and one is de,initely bruised giving him the bad boy

vibe7 .- love you so much6 &enna7 s long as you never tell me to leave you6 - don4t care )hat you say to

me7/

-4M le,t in the .=e$to/ room Pas &enna calls itQ )ith 9ust a ,e) nurses6 )hile another one takes &enna to

the bathroom7 - )atch them as they )eigh and measure Little One6 )hose arms are )aving around like

cra*y7 She looks like a little bo#er and has a set o, )ind$i$es that can go on ,or days7 -4m not sure ho)

on earth -4m going to get used to this crying7 -t 9ust means -4ll have to ,ind a )ay to a$$ease her7 To make

her ha$$y because hearing her scream her little lungs o,, like this makes me )ant to take her in my arms

and hold her tightly so - can take a)ay her )orries7 3orries that she shouldn4t have because her daddy

is going to make everything better7

(addy7

(addy7

The )ord ,alls o,, my tongue like it4s a ,oreign )ord7 Even though -4ve said it many times )hen &enna

)as $regnant it didn4t have the meaning that it has no)7 -4m her daddy7 -4m going to be the $erson she4ll

go to until some bloke comes along and tries to take my $lace7 -4m res$onsible ,or this little creature and



)ill be until she tells me that she4s old enough to take care o, hersel,7 - can never see that ha$$ening7

-4m going to make sure she al)ays needs her daddy7

&enna comes out o, the bathroom looking as beauti,ul as ever7 Her smile lights u$ her ,ace and makesher eyes s$arkle7 She 9ust accom$lished a ,eat so glorious -4m not sure - can love her anymore7

She brought my daughter our daughter into this )orld and has made our ,amily com$lete7

The nurse guides her to the bed6 and hel$s her get com,ortable7 Ho) &enna can )alk a,ter giving birth

astounds me she is ,rikking ama*ing7 ,ter )hat - 9ust )itnessed her body go through6 -4d be bloody

knackered7 -4d $robably )ant to curl u$ in a ball and beg ,or my mum to come in and make it all go

a)ay7 - can admit -4m chicken shit )hen it comes to $ain7 That thought alone makes me grate,ul that -

don4t remember being shot7 -4ve e#$erienced enough o, the horror story ,rom Liam and Harrison to

kno) it )as a ,ucking nightmare7 -4m $er,ectly ,ine remaining ignorant and not remembering all the $ain

- )as in7

- don4t kno) )hat to do7 Go to &enna or continue to )atch the nurses ,uss over Little One< They4re

gushing as they should be at ho) beauti,ul she is7 She looks like &enna6 but )ith dark hair7 !ot

gonna lie6 - )as ho$ing she4d have dark red hair6 a mi#ture o, mine and &enna4s6 but -4ll take her 9ust the

)ay she is because she4s ours7

Little One is )ra$$ed u$ in a blanket and carried to &enna7 The nurse by$asses me as i, -4m not even in

the room7 - get that she4s the mother6 but )hat am -< (o )omen really 9ust consider the man the

.demon s$erm donor/ and nothing else<

- ,ollo) the nurse like a lost $u$$y dog as she hands Little One to &enna7 She4s sitting u$6 smiling7

3hen - look at her6 - see nothing but $ure elation7 -t da)ns on me that she )as going to have Little One

)hether - )as in the $icture or not7 - should ,eel good about that6 but a $art o, me )onders )here -4d be

right no) i, - )asn4t here7 !o)here6 that4s )here7 -4d be lost and still trudging through mud trying to

,ind a $ur$ose in li,e7 -4d be hal, the man - am no) and kno)ing that6 - )ouldn4t change )hat -4ve got

no) ,or anything7

&enna looks at me a,ter Little One is $laced in her arms7 The nurse leaves the room6 giving us time to

bond )ith our daughter7 &enna $ats the side o, her bed6 beckoning me to sit ne#t to her7 - can4t deny

her7 -4ll never be able to deny her o, anything she )ants ,rom me7 - climb onto the bed slo)ly and )ith

caution7 - kno) she4s sore6 but she4s not sho)ing any signs o, being in $ain7 -t4s easy ,or me to

remember ho) gentle she )as )ith me )hen - )as in a bed like this7 Her touch )as as light as a ,eatherand she le,t me begging ,or more7 - )anted to hold her then and - )ant to hold her no)7

My arm rests on her shoulder allo)ing my ,ingers to touch the to$ o, Little One4s head7 She4s )earing an

o,,ensive $ink hat – the sure@,ire sign that she4s a girl – because all babies look the same? e#ce$t my

daughter is beauty $ersoni,ied7 &enna runs her ,inger along Little One4s cheek and she raises it in a little

smile7

&enna reaches u$ to her shoulder and unsna$s her go)n7 Her glorious boob a$$ears magically and )hile

- shouldn4t be turned on6 - am7 - kno) -4m going to hell thinking that my )i,e6 )ho has 9ust given birth6 is

ready ,or se#6 but - can4t hel$ it7 - )atch in a)e as she brings Little One to her chest to ,eed her7 3e



learned about this in Lama*e class and i, - hadn4t 9ust )itnessed this moment - )ouldn4t believe it7 Little

One kno)s e#actly )hat to do7

.ma*ing/ - say 8uietly7

.She is6 isn4t she</

.Her mum is too7/ - kiss &enna on the ,orehead as she ,eeds our daughter7 Every so o,ten she runs her

,inger over Little One4s cheek causing her to start sucking again7

.(oes it hurt</

. little7 The nurse said my ni$$les )ouldn4t be used to the sucking7/

.Bollocks6 - suck on them all the time7/

&enna rolls her eyes7 .-t4s di,,erent7/

.3ant me to suck on the other one to get it ready</

&enna gives me a dirty look6 but - burst out laughing7 .!o6 &immy7 %ou have to be $atient7/

.Ho) $atient</ -4m a,raid to kno) the ans)er7

.t least si# )eeks7/

.Si# )eeks< But - 9ust got you back yesterday7/

She shakes her head and $ulls Little One a)ay ,rom one o, my ,avourite $arts o, her body7

.Ho) do you kno) she4s ,inished</

&enna shrugs7 .My milk4s not in yet so right no) she4s 9ust getting my antibodies to hel$ her ,ight any

in,ections7/

.nd that4s enough</

.-t is ,or right no)7/

.ma*ing7/

&E!! and - agreed that -4d take Little One out to the )aiting room ,or everyone to meet her7 She4s tired

)hich is understandable and doesn4t )ant any com$any right no)7 &enna $laces our daughter in my

arms7 surge o, )armth s$reads through my body as - hold her to my chest7 - )ish her eyes )ould o$en

so - could see her and she could see us7 - kno) she4s going to be the most loved little girl ever7

ll in due time - su$$ose7

.- love you6 )i,ey7 -4ll be back soon7/ - kiss her on the li$s be,ore taking our baby out o, the room7 - don4t

)ant to be gone too long6 but - kno) the im$ortance o, the grou$ )aiting to see her7 They4re my ,amily7

s soon as - o$en the door the t)o grandmothers meet me7 Ho) &enna4s mum got here so 8uickly is

beyond me6 but she4ll be ha$$y to kno) she4s here7



.Say hi to your nana and grandma6/ - )his$er into Little One4s ear7 She doesn4t react6 but the mums do7

They both cover their mouths and allo) the ha$$y tears to ,lo) ,reely7

.Oh &immy6 she4s so beauti,ul6/ my mum says7

- nod7 .%ou should see her mum6 she4s the most gorgeous )oman in the )orld7/ Mrs7 Hardy ste$s

,or)ard7 .5an -</

s much as - )ant to say no6 - can4t7 Her baby 9ust had a baby and - can4t begin to imagine )hat she4s

going through7 - $lace Little One in her arms and )atch in ama*ement as the )oman )ho gave me &enna

coo4s over our daughter7

.She4s so $er,ect7/

gain6 -4m not about to disagree )ith her on that one7

The mums take turns holding and gushing over the baby7 - stand back and )atch6 )ishing &enna )ere

)itnessing this7 But she )ants to get some rest and - understand that more than anyone7

Finally6 a,ter a long torturous ,ive minutes6 they hand her back to me7 The moment she4s in my arms6 -4m

both elated and calm7 My heart is racing but in a good )ay7 -4m breathing easily no) and don4t ,eel like

-4m going to struggle anytime soon7 (id - need Little One to make me ,eel this )ay<

- )alk into the )aiting room and am met )ith a sea o, eager ,aces7 &osie and Datelyn are the ,irst to

stand u$6 but they kee$ their distance7 Liam and Harrison stand behind their signi,icant others and it

da)ns on me that -4m the only one that has )itnessed their child being born7 - can4t even begin to

imagine )hat4s going through their minds right no)7

- hold my arms u$ so they can see my daughter7 The )omen6 o, course6 gas$7

.-4d like to introduce Eden (avis )ho made her )ay into the )orld at ::2R am )eighing si# $ounds and

eight ounces7/

.Eden</ my mum says7

- nod7 .%eah6 her name is Eden or Little One7 -4m $retty sure she4ll ans)er to both7/

.Such a $retty name ,or a $retty baby7/

.Thanks6 mum7/

!o one asks to hold her and ,or that -4m grate,ul7 - have a ,eeling -4m going to be one o, those $arents)ho )orry about germs and )hether or not you4ve )ashed your hands or have a cold7 -4m a dad no)?

these things are im$ortant7 - have to $rotect her at all costs7

.&enna is a little tired and has asked that you come back later at dinnertime7 She )ants to have a na$ ,or

a bit7 - can tell you6 ho)ever6 that she almost certainly hates me6 even though - kno) that she loves me

really7 She says -4m not allo)ed to touch her again and - have demon s$erm7/

.- can attest to that6/ Datelyn says7 .- hated Mason ,or the last trimester o, my $regnancy7 He )as so

ha$$y )e )ere having t)ins though6 and he4d carry them around like ,ootballs7/



.- remember that6/ &osie says7 .3hen - )as delivering !oah6 - cursed Liam something ,ierce and $rayed

his dick )ould ,all o,,7/

.Hey</

.3hat6/ she says6 looking at him7 .- )as young and in $ain7 %our son )as a beast )ith his broad

shoulders7/

.re you saying you don4t )ant another one</ Liam asks &osie7 The look on his ,ace is $riceless )hile he

)aits ,or her to ans)er7 She drags out her res$onse6 making his $ained e#$ression even more comical7

.!o6 -4m not saying that at all6/ &osie says6 shrugging her shoulders as i, having a baby is no big deal7 Or

maybe she4s telling Liam he4s no big deal7 Either )ay6 his ,ace is ,ull o, determination7

.Good6 let4s go home and try ,or a )hile until )e can see &enna7/ Liam $retty much drags &osie a)ay7 He

sto$s and $ats me on the shoulder as he )alks by7 .Little Eden6 you have such a big ,amily )ith lots o,cousins )ho4ll $rotect you ,rom everything7 Good luck ever ,inding a boy,riend7/

- didn4t have a big ,amily gro)ing u$6 but kno)ing that she does ,ills my heart )ith $ride and love7

.She4s $recious6 &immy7/

.Thanks6 Datelyn7/

.3e4ll be back6 &(7 Go be )ith your )i,e and daughter7 - )asn4t there )hen Kuinn )as born6 but the

second he entered my li,e6 - never )anted to let him out o, my sight7/ - nod7 .- kno)7 - almost had a

$anic attack )hen the grandmas )ere holding her7 -4m not even sure ho) -4m going to give her back to

&enna7/

.%ou4ll ,ind a )ay to share6/ Datelyn says6 kissing me on my cheek7

The grandmothers kiss Eden and then me6 $romising to return )ith clothes and $ro$er ,ood in a ,e)

hours7

3hen - )alk back into &enna4s room6 she4s aslee$7 - move 8uietly and sit in the rocking chair )ith Eden in

my arms7

.Mummy4s slee$ing Little One6 so it4s 9ust you and me7/

She makes this little s8ueaking sound and moves her head7 -t4s going to be another sound that - need to

record on my $hone7

- $lace her on my chest and start rocking7 Her head rests in the crook o, my neck6 )hich is her mum4s

,avourite $lace7 The )armth ,rom her ,ills me and as much as - don4t )ant to6 - can4t hel$ the tears as

they ,all7 There )as a chance that - could4ve missed this i, it hadn4t been ,or Liam being u$set7 -, -

)eren4t trying to ,ind a )ay to talk to &enna6 - )ouldn4t have been in Beaumont that night7

Everything that4s good in my li,e right no) is because o, Liam7 He4s the glue kee$ing us together7

Little One s8ueaks again and even though it4s 8uiet6 - don4t )ant her to )ake &enna7 - do )hat -4ve been

doing since - ,ound out - )as going to be a dad7 - sing to her7



,ter )e set sail6 there4s gonna be storms

&ust don4t lose ,aith in me cause -4ll kee$ us on course

>emember this day6 it4s )ritten in the stars

3e4re on our )ay to ,orever6 girl it4s not that ,ar

-4ve never ,elt like this be,ore

- see our shi$ comin4 ,rom the shore

nd that hori*on in your eyes

-s like Tobacco Sunburst

.Someday6 Little One6 you4ll )rite songs or $lay the guitar7 Maybe you4ll be a novelist or a $ainter7

s long as you4re ha$$y -4ll do )hatever - can hel$ you succeed7/

THE sound o, &immy4s voice )akes me7 -t4s a $leasant sound6 one that - love to listen to7 - o$en my eyes

slightly6 but )hat - see needs all my attention7 - move as 8uietly as - can so - can )atch the scene in ,ront

o, me7

&immy holds our daughter snug against this chest6 rocking her back and ,orth7 His eyes are closed6 but

he4s singing to her7 His head rests on hers in the s)eetest o, embraces7 - )ish - had my $hone to take a

$icture because this is a moment - )ant to ca$ture ,orever7

.3hat are you doing</ his voice startles me7 He grins6 )hich turns my insides to goo7 He )as se#y

be,ore6 but seeing him hold our daughter $uts him on a )hole other level7 - )ink at him causing him to

shake his head7

.- heard you singing7/

.(id - )ake you</ he asks so 8uietly7 Our li,e has changed no) and )e didn4t even make an attem$t to

do so7 3ith the arrival o, Eden6 )e 9ust kno) everything is di,,erent7

.3e4re having a girl7/

.- kno)6/ - say6 holding his hand against my stomach7 .%ou )ith a daughterA scary6/ - add6 shaking my

head7 &immy kisses my nose then my li$s7



.-4ll be scared shitless6 but -4m going to love every minute o, it7 - )ant to be a $art o, this6 &enna7 - kno) -

scre)ed u$ staying in L ,or so long7 My dadA !o6 - don4t )ant him to ruin our day7 3e4re having a

daughter6 a daughter )ho needs a name by the )ay7/

.- have a ,eeling naming her )ill be hard7/

.3hy</

- shrug7 .!ame association7/

&immy laughs even though - don4t think it4s ,unny7 - don4t )ant to $ick my daughter4s name and have it

be the same as some bimbo he hooked u$ )ith7 nd - ho$e he doesn4t tell me that he doesn4t kno)

most o, their names7 That )ouldn4t make me ,eel any better because honestly some things are better

le,t unkno)n7

.Eden6/ he blurts out7

.E#cuse me</

&immy shrugs7 .Eden6 and let me tell you )hy6/ he says6 $ulling me over to the couch7 3e sit do)n and

he turns to ,ace me6 holding my hand in his7 .3hen - ,irst met you6 - kne) you )ere o,, limits7 The )ay

Liam s$oke about you )as a )arning sign7 But everything about you made me curious7 -t )as a little hair

,li$ or the )ay your ,orehead smushes together )hen you4re thinking7 But the breaking $oint )as the

)edding and everything leading u$ to that moment7 3atching you that night )as com$lete torture7

Having you6 making you mine ,or those sacred moments6 )as my undoing7 To me6 you4re my ,orbidden

,ruit7 - can4t get enough o, you6 &enna6 and - think Eden re$resents )hat )e created together7/

.Okay6/ - say6 )i$ing tears a)ay )ith the back o, my hand7 .- like Eden (avis7 -t sounds $er,ect7/ &immykisses me6 holding my ,ace in his hands7

He leans do)n and $ulls my shirt u$ over my belly7 His li$s $ress into my skin7 .Eden (avis7 That4s your

name6 Little One6 and )e can4t )ait to meet you7/

&immy moves )ith caution as he carries Eden over to me7 - move aside6 still sore6 but ,eeling better7

He climbs on the bed6 $utting Little One on my chest7 She stretches her neck and makes the most

beauti,ul sound ever7

.- love that sound6/ &immy says6 echoing my thoughts7

.Me too7/ - $ull her close and rest my head on his shoulder7

.Let me take a $hoto7/ &immy $ulls out his $hone and holds it out in ,ront o, us7 - turn Eden around and

hold her bet)een us7 He $resses the button and $ulls the $hone closer to us so )e can see our ,irst

,amily $hoto7

.She4s $er,ect7/

.%ou both are7 - can4t even begin to e#$lain ho) ha$$y - am right no)6 &enna7/ &immy kisses Eden on the

,orehead be,ore kissing me7 .%ou4ve changed my li,e and it4s de,initely ,or the better7/ - lean into &immy



and relish this moment7 He has no idea ho) much he4s changed my li,e and - don4t kno) i, -4ll ever ,ind

the )ords to tell him7

.Sur$rise/ My mom and Brigette yell in unison7

.Hi mom6/ - say )hen she ste$s ,or)ard7 She comes around to the side o, the bed and $ulls me into a

hug7 - re,use to move6 not ready to let go o, Eden yet7

.-4m so $roud o, you s)eetheart7 She4s absolutely gorgeous7/

.Thank you6/ my voice breaks7 Her a$$roval means so much to me7 ,ter everything -4ve been through -

kno) she never thought she4d see this day7 But it4s here and she4s a grandma7 Mom )i$es her tears and

ste$s a)ay6 allo)ing Brigette a moment )ith us7

.- )ant both the grandmas to have a $hoto taken )ith you and Eden6/ &immy says as he leaves my side7

.&immy6 - look like cra$6/ - )hine7

.!onsense6 &enna7 %ou4re a ne) mom7 There4s nothing more beauti,ul about that6/ my mom says7

.- agree6/ &immy says as his mom and mine each take a s$ot ne#t to Eden and me7 Each mom $laces a

hand on Eden as - hold her u$ ,or &immy to take a $icture7

.Say .cheese/ my ,avourite ladies7/

- smile big enough that my cheeks hurt7 - kno) ho) much this $icture )ill mean to &immy and to me7

FTE> one night in the hos$ital -4m ready to go home7 My bag is $acked thanks to my mom7 Eden is

dressed6 thanks to her dad6 and ready to make her $ublic debut7 - )as )orried about the $ress6 but

thank,ully none o, the nurses called anyone so )e4ll be able to introduce Eden )hen )e4re ready7

&immy6 o, course6 says she4s ready no)7 - s)ear )e should4ve had a boy7 He has her dressed in a 0112

3est baby out,it6 custom made6 and her dark hair is s$ikedA )ith a $ink ribbon7 - gave him $ro$s ,or the

ribbon7

- sit do)n in the )heelchair6 holding Eden in her car seat on my la$7 Harrison gave &immy an hour4s long

lesson on ho) to install the base in the back o, the car7 &immy says he has it mastered7 This6 -4m going to

have to trust him on7 The moms have already taken the co$ious amounts o, ,lo)ers and gi,ts )e

received home7 Everyone )ill be there ,or Eden4s homecoming and as much as -4d love to slee$6 it )on4t

ha$$en at least ,or the ne#t ,e) hours7

He )heels us out6 saying good@bye to the nursing sta,, as )e $ass7 - think in the day and hal, that )e4ve

been here6 he4s charmed each and every one o, them7 Ty$ical &immy7

The sliding glass doors o$en7 - cover my eyes ,rom the $enetrating sun7 - make sure Eden4s blanket is

over her carrier to block the sunlight7 The last thing - )ant is a sick baby so soon7 The car is all ready6

having been brought around by valet7 alet in a hos$ital6 )ho kne)<

&immy takes Eden ,rom me and $laces her in the backseat7 He hel$s me ,rom the )heelchair and guides

me to the back7 - told him that - )ant to be close to her7 - )ant to )atch her take her ,irst car ride7 -

)ant to be the ,irst $erson that she sees )hen she o$ens her eyes7



He drives a)ay and though - )ould have e#$ected him to drive like an eighty@year old man6 - )as sadly

mistaken7 &immy4s &immy6 and not everything )ill change overnight7

The trees in ,ront o, our house are decorated )ith $ink ribbons and balloons7 The cars belonging to our,riends line the street7 My heart beats )ith antici$ation o, Eden making her grand a$$earance7 - can4t

imagine all ne) babies do this6 but Eden 9ust isn4t any baby6 she4s &immy4s and he does things to the

tenth degree7

&immy $ulls into our drive)ay and shuts o,, the car7 He runs around the ,ront to the backdoor6 $ulling it

o$en7 He hel$s me out be,ore leaning in and unhooking Eden4s car seat7 He holds the carrier in one hand

and my hand in his other7 - kick the car door closed )ith my ,oot and smile at my ,amily as )e )alk

to)ard our $arty7

.3ell6 isn4t this s$ecial7/

My blood turns cold at the sound o, (amien4s voice7 - don4t dare turn around and ,ace him because i, -do6 he4ll be real7 - eye &immy and Eden and the backyard )ondering ho) they can esca$e7 (amien )ants

me6 not them7

.Turn around6 &enna7/

- close my eyes and let the tears ,all7 My li,e is over7 -4ll never see her ,irst birthday7 -4ll never see her

dress ,or $rom or )atch her )alk across the stage ,or graduation7 - )on4t be there )hen she has her ,irst

boy,riend and her ,irst heartbreak7 - s8uee*e &immy4s hand tightly7

.(on4t6/ he says6 8uietly7

.- have to7/ - turn slo)ly and ,ace the man )ho made it $ossible ,or me to stand here today7 %es6 he )asmy husband6 but he took his vo)s to the e#treme and beat me7 -, he hadn4t done that6 - )ouldn4t be

here right no)7

.-s that your baby< Hum$h6 at least you4re not as ,at no)7/

- )ish - could say no6 but it4s obvious7 - still have a $ouch and my daughter is being held by her ,ather

right no)7

.%ou kno) - thought - killed that man you4ve been allo)ing to violate your body6 but - guess - didn4t do a

good enough 9ob7/

- ,ace (amien6 )aiting ,or him to deliver my $unishment7

.3hat do you )ant6 (amien</

.%ou7 - told you that - )anted you back6 but you didn4t believe me7 %ou )ent and married this $iece o,

shit and allo)ed him to do things to you7 Things that you said you4d only do )ith me7 %ou let him taint

your body and no) you4ve bore him a bastard7/

- close my eyes and $ray ,or hel$ to arrive7 He4s going to hurt my ,amily6 not me7 He4s going to take a)ay

&immy and Eden6 leaving me broken and em$ty7

.Say good@bye6 &enna7/



.%ou4re not taking her any)here6/ &immy yells7 - ho$e his voice carries loud enough into the house7

3e need hel$7

.She4ll come )illingly7 - )on4t have to ,orce her6/ (amien says calmly7

.&enna doesn4t love you7/

.O, course she does7 (on4t you6 &enna</

- don4t ans)er6 he kno)s7 He kno)s - don4t love him7 -, - did6 - )ould4ve stayed and taken the beatings7

.(O!4T %O"</ he $ulls out his gun and $oints it at &immy7 He marches closer6 9ust a ,e) ,eet ,rom us7

Eden starts to cry6 but )e can4t do anything to hel$ her7

.(amien6 $lease sto$7/ - let go o, &immy4s hand and ste$ in ,ront o, him7 He sto$s me7 .&ust sto$7

-4ll come )ith you6 but you have to let them go in the house7 The baby6 she needs to eat and you don4t

)ant her to starve7/

.- don4t care about that bastard child7 =ut her on the ground7/

.!O/ &immy yells7

.="T HE> THE F"5D (O3! BEFO>E - SHOOT HE>/

.!O/ - scream and ste$ in ,ront o, Eden as (amien $oints his gun at her7 The gun ,ires and all time

sto$s7

- sit on the ,loor6 $laying )ith Eden7 Her hair is an odd color6 but it4s com$letely uni8ue to her

$ersonality7 -t4s still dark6 but )ith natural red highlights7 -t4s de,initely a combination o, &enna and me7 -

still like to $ut it in a Moha)k )ith a bo)6 9ust ,or a bit o, ,un7 -t drives &enna nuts6 but she never

changes it7 Little One is rolling over no)7 She thinks it4s ,un6 until she gets stuck and can4t get back to

)here she )as7 She screams7 - say she4s saying daddy6 but &enna assures me she4s 9ust making noises to

get my attention7 The minute her little yel$ is out o, her mouth6 -4m al)ays there to hel$ her7

Eden kno)s that -4ll never leave her7

-t4s been t)o months since the shooting that changed our lives7 - ,elt guilty ,irst6 but no) there4s a sense

o, relie, kno)ing that &enna4s e# )on4t be able to harm my ,amily ever again7 3hen the gun )ent o,, -

didn4t kno) )hat to do7 - ,ro*e and so did &enna7 - )as a,raid to $ut Eden do)n6 but - had to ,ind out



)here &enna had been hit7 3hen she looked at me )ith tears in her eyes6 - thought ,or sure that - had

lost her7 But the telltale sound o, someone hitting their head hard caught our attention7

Everything )as in slo) motion as )e turned and sa) =aul Baker standing in ,ront o, us )ith his gun$ointed at )here (amien )as standing7

That day my eyes moved so slo)ly until they landed u$on (amien on the ground6 eyes closed and blood

dri$$ing ,rom his mouth7 - kne) instantly that he )as dead7 3hat - didn4t kno) )as ho) &enna )as

going to react7 He )as her ,irst love and $eo$le don4t ,orget that7

The back door o$ens7 The sound o, keys being thro)n onto the kitchen@to$ echo through the house6 it4s

a bad sign7

.Mummy4s home6/ - say to Eden )hose legs shake )ildly7 She loves her mum and gets most o, her

attention these days6 but -4m okay )ith it7 Eden4s hard to com$ete )ith6 but - guess that4s )hat ha$$ens

)hen you have a baby7 &enna dotes on her6 and so do -7

.Hi6 )i,ey6/ - say loud enough ,or her to hear me7

.Hi7/ - look u$ at the sound o, her voice7 She4s leaning against the door,rame and has a $iece o, $a$er

hanging ,rom her ,ingers7

.3hat4s that</ - nod to the $a$er7

She holds it u$6 as i, she4s going to read it7 . letter ,rom (amien4s $arents7/ - sit u$ suddenly and $ut

Eden in her vibrating chair and $lace her tiny ,ingers around her ,avourite monkey to kee$ her occu$ied7

- stand u$6 )alk over to &enna and $ull her into my arms7

.(o you )ant to me to read it</

She shakes her head7 .- thought )e could read it together7 nything they have to say they need to stay

to the both o, us7/

.Okay7/ - lead her over to the so,a7 - sit do)n ,irst6 and $ull her onto my la$7 - rest my head on her

shoulder and )ait7 &enna clears her throat6 but be,ore she can start Eden lets it kno)n that she4s missing

out on cuddle time7

&enna gets u$ and takes her out o, her seat7 She hands Eden to me and thank,ully resumes her s$ot on

my la$7 This is another moment that - )ant to ca$ture6 sans the letter that has my )i,e so u$set6 so - can

remember it ,orever7

.(earest &enna6

3hen (amien brought you home ,or the ,irst time )e kne) that he had met his destruction6 )e 9ust

didn4t reali*e )e4d lose our son in the $rocess7 The )ay (amien looked at you6 the )ay he s$oke about

you and the )ay he moved around you6 you o)ned his heart7

3e )ere so ha$$y )hen you married and couldn4t )ait ,or you to start a ,amily7

-t broke our heart )hen he con,essed that he had hit you and continued to do so because it gave him a

release that he couldn4t e#$lain7 3e o,,ered to get him hel$6 but he )ouldn4t admit that )hat he )as



doing )as )rong7 He said that you4d ,orgiven him a,ter each e$isode only ,or him to ,ind that he needed

to do it again to kee$ you close to him7

3e don4t kno) )here he learned to be abusive6 but it )asn4t in our home )hen )e raised him7 Society<Friends< 3e4ll never kno)7 3hat )e do kno) is that )hen you le,t him6 you took his heart )ith you7 He

looked in every $ossible $lace until he sa) a )oman that looked 9ust like you7 He said he needed to go

and ,ind you6 to bring you home7

(amien told us that your ,irst meeting didn4t go as $lanned6 but that he )as going to make you ,all in

love )ith him again7 3e4re 9ust sorry that he4ll never have the o$$ortunity to love again6 unlike you7

- ho$e this letter ,inds you )ell and that you4re moving on7 3e4re trying6 but being a mother no)6 you

kno) $arents should never have to bury their children7 But )e have and )e must live )ith the

kno)ledge that )e could4ve $revented all o, this ,rom ha$$ening7

.They didn4t sign it7 - guess that4s their )ay o, not getting closure or something7/ &enna leans her headon my shoulder7 Her ,ingers $lay )ith Eden4s7 .- don4t even kno) )hy they )rote me7 The toneA they4re

blaming me7/

.%ou kno) it4s not your ,ault6 right</

.- kno)7/

.=eo$le like that can4t acce$t the res$onsibility that they ,ailed as $arents7 He hit you6 shot me )ith

intent to kill and )as going to shoot our daughter7 -4m ha$$y =aul )as invited to Eden4s homecoming

because i, he hadn4t been there at that momentA - don4t even )ant to think about it7/ &enna ,olds the

letter and $uts it on the cushion7 -4m going to shred that stu$id $iece o, cra$$y $a$er the minute - get

u$ ,rom holding my girls6 but until then -4m going to kee$ them in my arms6 grate,ul that - have them7

- almost lost them6 too many times to mention7 3hen - look at &enna and Eden6 - see my ,orever7

She4s the one -4m going to gro) old )ith7 She4s the one )ho is going to laugh at me )hen my Moha)k

)on4t stand u$ any longer or )hen Eden brings home a rock star boy,riend7 &enna4s the one that is going

to be by my side )hen - )alk my daughter do)n the aisle and )e4ll be together )hen )e become

grand$arents7 3e4ll have matching rocking chairs on our ,ront $orch and )e4ll si$ tea even though -

hate it out o, silly little teacu$s )ith our little ,ingers in the air because that )ill make her laugh7

3ho kne) that ,inding my ,orever )ould be so easy< - 9ust needed my best mate to get married so -

could hook@u$ )ith the bridesmaid7 That4s me in a nutshell6 innit<

LSO 5HE5D O"T THESE

ET>O>(-!>% "THO>S ' BOODS

livia nders -llumine

5ambria Hebert >ecalled

7O7 =eart lmost Matched

&ulia 5rane Freak o, !ature



&77 Huss Tragic

5ameo >enae Hidden 3ings

7&7 Bennett !o) or !ever

T7G7 yer Skin (ee$

Tabatha argo =laying =atience

Beth Balmanno Set in Stone

Li**y Ford oey >ogue

Ella &ames Selling Scarlett

Tara 3est Say 3hen

Melissa ndrea The Edge o, (arkness

Delly 3alker !o One4s ngel

Domal Dant Falling ,or Hadie

Melissa =earl Golden Blood

le#ia =urdy Ever Shade P (ark Faerie Tale +:Q

ll7=7 (over Love4s Second 5hance

Sarah M7 >oss -nhale6 E#hale

Brina 5ourtney >eveal

mber Gar*a Falling to =ieces

nna 5ruise Maverick

>ebecca Ethington Diss o, Fire

First and ,oremost - have to thank the ,ans because )ithout you The Beaumont Series isn4t $ossible7

%our continued su$$ort and encouragement means the )orld to me7

nd to %vette )ho once again has slaved tirelessly over my rambling to make it sound nice and $retty7

%ou brought &immy to li,e and ,or that - can never thank you enough7

&odie )ords can4t e#$ress ho) much you mean to me7 %ou $ut u$ )ith so much ,or so little in return7 -

can4t thank you enough ,or being my right hand7 nd to Big (6 Sierra and 5hey6 thank you ,or allo)ing

your mom to delve into my )orld6 o,ten dro$$ing things 9ust to take care o, )hat - need7 %ou have a

$retty ama*ing )i,e and mother6 but she has a $retty ,antastic ,amily7



!o) to my M-!G Street Team - gave you an im$ossible challenge )hen - handed you Finding My

Forever and you all nailed it6 each and every one o, you7 %ou4re more than a street team? you4re best

,riends6 ,amily6 sounding boards and con,idants7 - can4t imagine not having you $art o, not only this

series6 but others as )ell7 Everything you tell me - take to heart7 So - thank you6 Georgette6 &aime6 Emily6

&enni,er6 Laura6 Holly6 &en and &oli7

Sarah ' Emily - thank you ,or once again bringing my stories to li,e7 Sarah6 )hen you sent me the cover

Finding My Forever6 - yelled %ES6 loudly - love staring at this cover7 Emily6 your vision and talent ,or

making the insides look all $retty is ama*ing7 Thank you both7

Ellie at Love !7 Books ho) do - begin to thank you< - $robably can4t in all honesty7 %ou $ushed me to

make a decision that -4ll ,orever be in debt to you ,or7 %ou $robably don4t hear this enough6 but you

)ere right – haha ny author )ho gets to )ork )ith you in the ,uture should consider themselves

lucky7 3ithout your constant .trust me/ my cover )ouldn4t be as ,abulous as it is7

Brandyn Farrell thank you ,or $utting a .,ace/ to &immy7 To say you ,it him $er,ectly is an

understatement7 The only thing missing is a British accent7 5an you master that be,ore a signing<

(enise %ou4ve gro)n into such a good ,riend7 - kno) - can count on you to be blunt and matter o, ,act7

5an4t )ait ,or the )orld to see )hat4s u$ your sleeve7

Eric Heatherly Ho) you can su$$ly the $er,ect song is beyond me6 but - love it7 Thank you ,or being on

this 9ourney )ith me and $roviding my guys )ith the music that they needed to com$lete their stories7

-ndie -nked %ou4re ,riendshi$ and su$$ort is un)avering ,or that - thank you7

To my ,amily Thank you ,or your continued su$$ort7 Thank you ,or encouraging my cra*y ideas and ,orhel$ing create ne) ones7

To my girls %ou4re both so creative and your imaginations are )ild7 - can4t )ait to see )hat you do7 %ou

both have your o)n ama*ing stories ready to be )ritten and - can4t )ait to hel$ guide you through the

$rocess7

Heidi is the author o, "S Today6 Dobo6 (igital Book 3orld6 ma*on and Barnes ' !oble Bestselling

novel6 Forever My Girl

Originally ,rom the =aci,ic !orth)est6 she no) lives in $ictures8ue ermont6 )ith her husband and t)o

daughters7 lso renting s$ace in their home is an over@hy$er BeagleI&ack >ussell and t)o =arakeets7



(uring the day Heidi is behind a desk talking about Land "se7 t night6 she4s )riting one o, the many

stories $lanned ,or release or sitting court@side during either daughter4s basketball games7

Find Heidi on

T)itter )))7t)itter7comIHeidi&oT

Facebook )))7,acebook7comIHeidiMcLaughlinuthor

or her blog htt$IIheidimclaughlinauthor7blogs$ot7comI

gainst The 3all

By &ulie =restsater

5ha$ter One

Love Kuarrel Stirs iolence among High School Teachers7 - can 9ust $icture the headlines i, - )ere to lose

control and hit that hussy s8uare in the 9a)7

But there she goes looking all su$erior6 and - ,eel the urge to ri$ out her dark bro)n e#tensions and

shove them straight do)n her throat7 s tem$ting as it may be6 - kno) ,or the sake o, my career6 - can4t

9ust haul o,, and knock someone outand es$ecially not over a guy7 3hat kind o, e#am$le )ould - be

setting in a hall)ay ,ull o, hormonal adolescent students< So - guess - can understand )hy dating

someone at )ork is not encouraged6 es$ecially )hen - )ant to $unch that man@stealing )hore7

-, she )asn4t such a ,loo*y6 maybe - could move on7 Maybe - )ouldn4t )ant him back so badly i, he had

le,t me ,or someone less slea*y7 !ot this )ai, in si#@inch stilettos6 acrylic nails6 smothered in every

$ossible $roduct ,rom the M5 counter7 But this is )hoor )hathe chose7 nd yes6 - still )ant him sobad it hurts7

grou$ o, chatty kids sna$ me out o, my ,ren*y7

.5heck her out7 -4d like to ta$ that ass6/ a s8uirrely ,reshman boy says6 raising eyebro)s at the $reviously

mentioned man@stealing )hore6 my colleaguea science teacher)alking do)n the hall as i, it )ere an

merica4s !e#t To$ Model run)ay7 -, she )ere in my class6 -4d send her out ,or dress code violations on

a daily basis7 There4s no doubt she heard him too6 and liked it7 -, only - )as a student again6 -4d be

tem$ted to stick glue in her body lotion during gym7 That )ould )i$e the smile o,, her ,ace7

.- kno) right6 i, she )ere home)ork6 -4d do her every night6/ his ,riend re$lies7 They sla$ hands )ildly in

agreement7 Great7 !ot only do hal, the male teachers here )ant her6 the students are even droolingover this hoochie7

.Gross6/ one o, the girls in the huddle says6 smacking Boy +1 in the chest7

nother young lady chimes in6 .(ude6 she4s a teacher7 That4s so )rong7/

.So6/ Boy +: retorts7 .-4m sure teachers like to get it on7/ He $um$s his hi$s back and ,orth6 reminding

me o, =ee)ee ,rom the old =orky4s movies7 Sucking back the urge to gag6 - have to sto$ mysel, ,rom

going over to them and smacking him in the back o, the head7 Little $ervert7



.E))7 They4re so old7 That4s 9ust nasty on so many levels7/ Girl +1 shudders at the thought7 !o)6 - )ant

to smack her7

.%eah6 it4s like admitting our $arents have se#7 There4s no )ay teachers do it6/ Girl +: adds7 Okay6 -4mabout to do a )hole heck o, a lot o, smacking7 These children are going to need ice $acks )hen -4m done

)ith them ,or all their stu$id talk7 3e4re teachers6 not nuns and $riests7 !o vo) o, celibacy here7

.Thanks6/ he $auses6 staring her do)n7 .%ou totally killed it7/ Boy +1 stalks o,, into class7 The others

,ollo)6 snickering7

Brats

The bell rings7 ,e) stragglers rush through the door 9ust as -4m about to close it6 and - have the

over)helming desire to change my )elcome back s$iel7

Good morning losers &ust an F%-7 Teachers do have se#7 &ust like )e eat6 shit6 and slee$ every day7

3e also have to go to the grocery store so don4t be in shock )hen you see me at lbertson4s and - have

a bo# o, Tam$a# in my cart7 - also have to buy clothes6 so you might also see me at the mall and i, you

even make a ,ace )hen - hit the dressing room )ith a year4s su$$ly o, S$an#6 - may be ,orced to mark

your $a$ers )ith a big ,at bleeding F ,or the rest o, the year7 So6 yes6 teachers have se# nd it4s not

gross and it4s not like your $arents doing it either7 But ,or crying out loud6 gentlemen6 don4t go blind

,antasi*ing about that skank you sa) in the hall7 She doesn4t have se#7 She 9ust ,uckse#cuse my

language7

(amn it7 Listening to student chatter be,ore class has totally thro)n me ,or a loo$7 -4m totally o,, my

,irst@day@o,@school game7 My students are looking u$ at me like little $u$$ies )anting table ,ood6 and -

don4t have any scra$s7 - can4t think o, shit to say7

The ridiculous conversation bet)een a bunch o, se#@cra*ed teenagers should really have little a,,ect on

me7 - )ouldn4t be bothered i, those skinny little boys )ere talking about anyone else7 But noA6 they4re

$o$$in4 chubs over Ms7 McGallian7 nd6 )hile teachers do have se#6 and Ms7 McGallian is having $lenty6

- ,or one6 am not7 -4m not even ,ucking ,or 5hrist4s sake7 Oh shit6 - 9ust said 5hrist and ,uck in the same

sentence7 Scratch that7 - 9ust said shit6 5hrist6 and ,uck in the same sentence7 T)ice7

One more thing A )e ,ucking cuss too6 bitches7

UUU

3hile - )ait ,or my Lean 5uisine to cool do)n enough to not cause ,irst degree burns in my mouth6 -notice my lunch isn4t the only thing si**ling7 The anger boils in my gut6 and - )ish it )asn4t7 - honestly

)ish - didn4t care so much7

.5ome on6 shell7 -t4s the ,irst day back and you4re already sho)ing your ,angs7 %ou look like you )anna

ri$ o,, her head6 shred her to $ieces6 and burn her hoochi,ied remains6/ my bestie tells me6 hand on her

hi$ in disa$$roval7

Lo)ering my head at her6 - try my hardest to give her the look7 .Mel6 the T)ilight re,erences are getting

old7 Besides6 you4re thirty@t)o7 5an you $lease move beyond % books and ,antasi*e about guys )ho are

legal</ - ask my best ,riend o, t)enty@t)o years7



.Ed)ard is legal7 He4s over a hundred years old7/ Melissa6 )ho -4ve called Mell since the ,ourth grade6

tosses her lunch on the table and sits ne#t to me7 .nd -4m married7 - dream about every man - see6 or

read about7 Thank God ,or ,antasies or -4d never get the chance to be manhandled by so many beauti,ul

men7/

llo)ing a grin to ,orm6 - have to try to sto$ ,ull@blo)n laughter so - )on4t encourage her antics7

.%eah )ell6 you4re a slut in your ,antasies7/

She takes a huge bite o, her sand)ich and says6 )ith gra$e 9elly oo*ing out the side o, her mouth6 .-

guess that makes me a ,antastic slut7/ She )inks at me and - can4t hel$ but laugh7 She al)ays manages

to make me ,eel better7 .Oh shit6 here )e go6 shell7 Be cool7/

.3hat</ - ask6 )atching Mell tense u$ and take a dee$ breath7

.He4s here7/

He4s here<

nd by he6 she means my e#@boy,riend7 My e#@loveo,myli,e7 My e#@almostthe,athero,mychildren7

My e#@ha$$ilyevera,ter7 My e#@,iancC7 My e# )ho le,t me ,or that Dim Dardashian butt double6 Ms7

McGallian7 He4d argue he didn4t leave me ,or the curvy brunette )ith the million dollar highlights6 big

boobs6 and scary acrylic nails7 O, course he didn4t7 - mean6 they started dating less than a month a,ter he

called it 8uits7 %et6 -4m su$$osed to believe she had nothing to do )ith it7 She4s had $ractically every

single man6 a ,e) o, them married6 on this damn cam$us and she couldn4t let my guy esca$e her cla)s7

!o7 She dug right in and he didn4t even try to run ,rom little Ms7 Fake@Everything@From@Head@To@Toe7

- don4t see him6 but -4m sure he sees Mel4s sneer7 She4s $ractically stabbing a dagger through his chest

)ith her eyes7 Maybe she could )ill his $ecker to ,all o,,7 That seems like a ,air $unishment ,or dum$ing

my ass a,ter ten $lus years7

But6 that )as last year7 Summer vacation should4ve been enough time ,or me to lick my )ounds and get

over the bastard6 but one look at him and my heart turns to mush all over again7 His thick black hair is

getting long and )avy6 and - )ant to go over there and grab a hand,ul o, it7 He must have gone

sho$$ing7 -4ve never seen that shirt be,ore7 -t actually has bling on it7 She $robably bought it ,or him7

The 5hase - kno) )ould never )ear a shirt )ith )ings on it7 But6 )hatever7 The 5hase - kno) )ould

have never dum$ed the )oman he )as engaged to either7

.Sto$ )ith the eyes already6/ Mell )his$ers6 kicking me under the table7

.O)7 3hat the hell</

She glares do)n at me6 big Betty Boo$ bro)n eyes6 )ith unnaturally long lashes6 bulging ,rom their

sockets7 Her eyes are the only things big about my best ,riend7 She4s this $etite little thing barely ,ive

,eet tall6 having sto$$ed gro)ing in the si#th grade7 .(on4t even look at him )ith those sad6 $athetic

eyes7 -t4s been ,our months7 (on4t let him see you like this7 (on4t let her7/ Too bad her mouth isn4t small

and gentle like her ,rame7 Her brash6 sassy talk more than makes u$ ,or her el,in si*e7



- can4t hel$ glancing over at their table again7 My eyes meet the tram$4s and -4m certain - see a smirk on

her ,ace7 Give me ,ive seconds alone )ith this bitch7 She4ll be decla)ed in three6 and )ith the other t)o6

-4ll $unch her in each tit 9ust ,or ,un7 - kno) - shouldn4t take it all out on her6 but Mell has 5hase taken

care o,7 >ight about no)6 his balls are being hacked o,, )ith an a# in her mind7

Four months is clearly not long enough to get over someone you4ve been )ith hal, your li,e6 - )ant to

tell Mel7 But - don4t7 My shin still stings ,rom her s)i,t kick and rubbing it like cra*y is kee$ing me ,rom

looking in the ha$$y cou$le4s direction6 again7 - must look like an idiot massaging u$ and do)n my leg6

but it beats the alternative7 >e$eatedly seeing Ms7 McGallian and my e# together )ill make this ,irst day

o, school the )orst in my career7 lthough6 -4m $retty sure this entire year is going to kill me7

- may need to rethink my $ro,ession7 Or maybe consider a trans,er6 at the very least7 3hen $eo$le break

u$ and go their se$arate )ays6 the dum$ee is bound to get over the dum$er a,ter days and days a$art7

There4s 9ust one huge $roblem here the dum$ee and the dum$er )ill be seeing each other ,ive days a

)eek6 along )ith the ho bag )ho is no) shacking u$ )ith the dum$er7 !o)6 the dum$ee is ,eeling evendum$ier7

.-4m gonna start eating in my classroom7/ -t seems im$ossible to handle another day like this one6 )here

- have to concentrate on not letting my eyes )ander7

Mell shoots me another irritated look7 .(on4t you dare7 %ou are not going to let them ,orce you to hide

out in your room all year7 They should be the ones )ho hide in shame7 But that bitch )ants to rub it in

your ,ace7/ She4s right7 She al)ays is7 - shouldn4t let her get to me7

.F%-A i, - can hear this conversation on the other side o, the room6 so can they6/ a voice )his$ers in my

ear7 - look u$ and -4m eye to eye )ith Matty7 He gives me a sym$athetic look6 s8uee*es my shoulder6 and

)alks a)ay7

.(ang6 that guy )ants you so bad6/ Mell says 8uietly6 ,luttering her bro)s at me7

.Mr7 Fuller is a good ,riend7 -t4s not like that6/ - remind her7

.3ell as -4ve heard on many Li,etime Movie Originals6 the best )ay to get over a man is to get under

another one74 - doubt Matt Fuller )ill mind being on to$ i, you kno) )hat - mean7/

.%ou4re scandalous7/

Get under another one< -s she cra*y< - guess i, - ever did manage to get under another man6 Matty

)ould be high on my list o, choices6 i, only )e didn4t )ork together7 3hose list )ouldn4t he be on<

The man is delicious )ith his bright blue eyes that t)inkle every time he smiles6 and his )ell@built

$hysi8ue and bron*e skin7 Every inch o, his si#@,oot body is beauti,ul6 inside and out7 -, - had to choose

bet)een him and 5hase based solely on looks6 Matty )ould beat him every day o, the )eek7

5hase is great looking and uber se#y7 3omen check 5hase out all the time7 But Matty6 he4s absolutely

gorgeous and there4s not an arrogant cell in his entire body7 !o)6 there4s the ma9or di,,erence bet)een

the t)o men7

nd one more thing )hile -4m thinking about over and under6 to$ and bottom7

-, and )hen - decide to get over4 my se#y6 cheating e#6 - )ill most de,initely be on to$7



UUU

3eeks later6 -4m eating my Trader &oe4s =asadena Salad in my classroom7 lone7 Mell re,uses to eat )ith

me7 She4s so damn stubborn7 - kno) she )ants to6 but she kee$s telling me6 .-t4s the $rinci$ality7/=rinci$alitythat4s not even a )ord7 !ot in the )ay she4s using it7 nd she4s an English teacher7 Go

,igure7

The door o$ens slo)ly as - stu,, my mouth )ith a ,ork,ul o, lettuce6 almonds6 and chicken7 - almost

choke )hen - see )ho it is7 -n ,act6 - kne) )ho it )as the moment - caught a )hi,, o, the air )a,ting in

)ith him7 5hase has been )earing Eternity ,or Men since )e )ere in high school7 -4m sur$rised Ms7

Blingyshirts hasn4t changed his scent too7 t any rate6 his timing couldn4t be )orse7 My mouth is

over,lo)ing and - can barely che)7 Time $lays in slo) motion as he makes his )ay to my desk7 Ho)

anyone can look so se#y 9ust merely )alking is beyond me7 There are no )ords to describe it7 - blink hard

and ,ast to sna$ mysel, out o, his trance7 S$itting back a )ad o, hal,@che)ed salad in its container6 -

sneer6 .3hat the hell do you )ant</

Like my strategy< -n an e,,ort to not break do)n and cry hysterically every time -4m alone )ith this

asshole6 - have to be mean7 - can4t bring mysel, to be civil because every time - do6 - end u$ asking him

)hat )ent )rong and ho) - can ,i# it7 s i, -4m the one )ho needs ,i#ing7 Okay6 maybe the ,act that my

innards are blubbering ,ools right no) is evidence o, that6 but - can4t let him get to me7 So instead6 - 9ust

act like a bitch7 -t4s the only )ay to survive this stu$id@ass breaku$7

-4m snarling at him6 yet he smiles7

-, my heels )eren4t digging in the ,loor6 -4d slide o,, my seat leaving snail trails behind7 This man can

make me ache do)n there )ith 9ust an e,,ing smile7 -t4s a )onder ho) he can still do that )ith our longhistory together7 For most $eo$le6 doesn4t that sort o, thing ,i**le out a,ter a ,e) years<

He doesn4t say anything right a)ay6 so - utter again6 .3ell7 3hat is it</ He ignores my 8uestion and says

as nonchalant as can be6 .Hey6 hon6 ho) you been</ Hon< >eally< "n@,rickin4@believable7

>aising my right bro)6 - give him the most disa$$roving look - can muster7 .&ust great6 (ear6/ - sneer

)ith a sna$ o, my neck7

.- haven4t seen you during lunch in a )hile6/ his voice so,tens7

.-t4s too cro)ded in the sta,, lounge7/ Translation - don4t )ant to see you and your nasty ass girl,riend7

.)6 come on7 %ou should come do)n7/ Translation making you ,eel like shit is so much more ,un in$ublic7

.-4ve got a lot o, grading to do7/ Looking do)n at my desk6 - notice 9ust one small stack o, $a$ers7

Shit7 That4s )hat - get ,or having nothing better to do than grade $a$ers night a,ter night7

He sits on my nearly em$ty desk7 .3ell6 - hear everybody misses you7/ He $lum$s out his bottom li$ in a

$out7 - think my heart 9ust sto$$ed7 -s he trying to kill me< 5ould he be $rosecuted ,or murder<

5ause o, death broken heart7 Murder )ea$on )ords laced )ith bullshit7 -t4s me )ho should be thro)n

in 9ail ,or eating u$ every one o, those )ords7 But6 - can4t hel$ mysel,7



Okay6 shell6 rela#7 Dee$ it cool7 Back to bitch mode7

- summon the courage to shout at him6 .Shut the hell u$ and get the ,uck out o, my room7 nd don4t

come back unless it4s about )ork7 Even then6 don4t bother7 &ust send me an email7/

.shell Belle6 don4t be that )ay7 - still )anna be ,riends7/ Oh no he didn4t 9ust $ull out the ,riend card7 He

needs to shove that cra$ back ,rom )herever he yanked it ,rom7 He4s so ,ull o, shit6 no )onder his skin is

so tan7

.Friends6 my ass7 3e4ve been ,riends since the second grade6 since - kissed you on the cheek on S$ace

Mountain )hen you )ere so scared you )anted to cry7 - should have 9ust let you $iss your $ants and

never talked to you again and - )ouldn4t be in this mess7/ - glare at him )ith as much $issiness as - can

e#ude7 .Fuck ,riends7 - have enough ,riends7 - don4t need any more7 nd - sure as hell don4t need you7 So

get to ste$$in46 5hase7/ Tears threaten to bubble over the edge o, my eyelids but - )ill them back7 -

s)ear to God6 i, - cry in his $resence6 -4ll kick my o)n ass7

5hase4s chocolate bro)n eyes glare at me6 his nose ,lares6 and - can see the muscles in his 9a) t)itch6

but - don4t say another )ord and my tears don4t ,all7 But his do7 He gets u$ and )alks out my door7

Be,ore it slams6 my heart ,ails me and tears start streaming do)n my heated ,ace like a ,lash ,lood7

He has no right getting teary@eyed on me7 He did this7 - didn4t break u$ )ith him7 He can4t toss me aside6

$ut me in the 9unk dra)er and come ,ind me )hen he needs me7

- canJt still be his ,riend7 -t doesnJt )ork like that7 Ho) can )e $ossibly be buddies< m - su$$osed to

chat )ith him about the good old days6 or go out to dinner )ith him and )hat4s her ,ace< - don4t kno)

ho) )e can go ,rom long@term relationshi$ to ,riends )ith everything 9ust $eachy7 That4s bullshit7

The bell rings7 Son o, a mother lover7 - grab ,or the bo# o, tissues near my com$uter and blot my already

$u,,y eyes7 There4s no )ay - can camou,lage this7 - 9ust ho$e my class doesn4t say anything7

-4ll $robably cry more7

.Ms7 Gelson6 are you okay</ Meg6 my student aide6 asks7

Trying to mu,,le my sni,,ling noises6 - ,orce mysel, to res$ond7 .Oh6 -4m ,ine honey7 !othing some

chocolate and a little makeu$ can4t ,i#7/ - o$en the bottom dra)er to my desk to reveal a rather large

bag o, (ove dark chocolates7 Too bad - can4t rig a keg o, beer in my desk7 Or maybe s8uee*e a t)elve

$ack in my mini@,ridge7 - )ish7 For some reason6 - don4t think chocolate is going to cure this one7

.- sa) Mr7 Marino leaving and he looked like cra$7 (on4t )orry7 -t4s not gonna last6 ya kno)7 My best,riend6 Deesha6 is his aide this year and she says sheJs rallying ,or you7 She )ants him to dum$ that big

assed beeyotch soon7 SheJs so ,ake )ith her caked@on makeu$ and hooker heels7 She reminds me o, my

e#@best ,riend7 %ou have class6 something Ms7 McG doesnJt7 Marino )ill ,igure it out7/ - look at her all

)ide@eyed6 and she says6 .Oh6 sorry7 - shouldn4t have said that7 - ,orget you4re my teacher7/

- can remember com,orting her )hen she )as a ,reshman and ,ound out her best ,riend )as doing the

deed )ith her boy,riend7 5an you imagine having to deal )ith that level o, drama )hen youJre ,ourteen<

- )ish - could tell her it gets better7 But )hat - )ant to do is hug her6 and say thank you7 - kne) there

)as a reason - liked her7 - should buy her lunch7



My students ,ill their desks and immediately get started on the bell@ringerthe assignment - $osted on

the board7 - sense the )his$ers6 but - don4t look u$7 - take attendance6 all the )hile thinking about

5hase7 - )onder i, Ms7 McGallian kno)s about his little lunchtime visit7 - doubt she4s included in the

masses o, $eo$le )ho miss me at lunch7 -, she doesn4t kno) he sto$$ed by6 she )ill by the end o, the

$eriod7 -, there4s anything - kno) about my school and my students6 it4s that in,ormation s$reads like

the $lague7 >ight no)6 Meg is on her cell te#ting6 and -4d bet a hundred bucks she4s telling her ,riends7

- )ish - could see Ms7 FiancC@Stealer4s ,ace )hen she ,inds out her man le,t my room all )ee$y7

Let the games begin6 bitches

gainst The 3all is the ,irst book in the gainst The 3all series7 The ebook version is ,ree at all book

retailer sites7 isit &ulie4s )ebsite ,or links7

This ebook )as designed and ,ormatted by

)))7emti$$ettsbookdesigns7blogs$ot7com

rtisan ebooks ,or discerning authors and $ublishers7

5o$yright V 1;:W by Heidi McLaughlin

ll rights reserved7 !o $art o, this book may be re$roduced6 transmitted6 do)nloaded6 distributed6

stored in or introduced into any in,ormation storage and retrieval system6 in any ,orm o, by any means6

)hether electronic or mechanical6 )ithout e#$ress $ermission o, the author6 e#ce$t by a revie)er )ho

may 8uote brie, $assages ,or revie) $ur$oses6 i, done so constitutes a co$yright violation7

This book is a )ork o, ,iction7 !ames6 $laces6 characters and events are ,ictitious in every regard7 ny

similarities to actual events and $ersons6 living or dead6 are $urely coincidental7 ny trademarks6 service

marks6 $roduct names6 or named ,eatures are assumed to be the $ro$erty o, their res$ective o)ners

and are used only ,or re,erence7 There is no im$lied endorsement i, any o, these terms are used7

Tobacco Sunburst by Eric Heatherly

V 1;:1 E>-5 HETHE>L%I=S%5HOB-LL% M"S-5IS5=

MTT 5OO=E>I(B 5OO=E> E!TIS5=



5over (esigned by Sarah Hansen at V Okay5reations7net

Formatted by Stacey Ti$$etts at EMTi$$ettsBook(esigns7blogs$ot7com

=hotogra$hy by Scott Hoover at ScottHoover=hotogra$hy7com

Model Brandyn Farrell

Table o, 5ontents

Title =age

Other Books by Heidi McLaughlin

(edication

5ha$ter One

5ha$ter T)o

5ha$ter Three

5ha$ter Four

5ha$ter Five

5ha$ter Si#

5ha$ter Seven

5ha$ter Eight

5ha$ter !ine

5ha$ter Ten

5ha$ter Eleven

5ha$ter T)elve

5ha$ter Thirteen

5ha$ter Fourteen

5ha$ter Fi,teen

5ha$ter Si#teen

5ha$ter Seventeen

5ha$ter Eighteen

5ha$ter !ineteen

5ha$ter T)enty

5ha$ter T)enty@One



5ha$ter T)enty@T)o

5ha$ter T)enty@Three

5ha$ter T)enty@Four

5ha$ter T)enty@Five

5ha$ter T)enty@Si#

5ha$ter T)enty@Seven

5ha$ter T)enty@Eight

5ha$ter T)enty@!ine

5ha$ter Thirty

5ha$ter Thirty@One

5ha$ter Thirty@T)o

5ha$ter Thirty@Three

5ha$ter Thirty@Four

5ha$ter Thirty@Five

5ha$ter Thirty@Si#

5ha$ter Thirty@Seven

5ha$ter Thirty@Eight

5ha$ter Thirty@!ine

5ha$ter Forty

5ha$ter Forty@One

5ha$ter Forty@T)o

5ha$ter Forty@Three

5ha$ter Forty@Four

5ha$ter Forty@Five

dditional Books

ckno)ledgements

bout the uthor

gainst The 3all

bout the Book (esigner



5o$yright !otice

168___________________________finding my forever

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