2008 foundation grant - the art of grief part ii

8/9/2019 2008 Foundation Grant - The Art of Grief Part II

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/2008-foundation-grant-the-art-of-grief-part-ii 1/64

The Art of Grief:

Utilizing journaling and art to copewith and integrate our losses.

8 Modules for facilitating Bereavement Support Groups

Written by:

Rev. Dn. N. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ, OSL

In partnership with:

The Lighthouse Foundation of New Jersey

Copyright 2008



The Art of Grief:

Utilizing journaling and art to copewith and integrate our losses.

8 Modules for facilitating Bereavement Support Groups

Written by:

Rev. Dn. N. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ, OSL

With a grant from:

Celebrating National Hospice Month 2008

The Lighthouse Foundation of New Jersey



The Art of Grief

Module 5:

“People Who Try to Help”

Introduction to Module:

Throughout the process of grief, people all about us try to help. Itis a natural response that people have as they connect with usbecause of the pain they see or assume that we are experiencing. Itbegins long before the death itself – when the death is known of inadvance. People begin the support process as soon as a loved oneis diagnosed with a terminal illness.

There are many stages or phases to the grief process that occurs forus before, during, and after loss. The stages and phases exist for us

as we are losing someone or something, but they also exist for thepeople who come to offer support.

People who offer support are doing so out of their own connectionto loss and grief. Some of the people will be helpful because theyhave processed their own grief and loss to a greater extent thanothers – who will be less helpful. Because the two processes arenot running on the same time table, it gets very complicated.

Some things that people do or say will feel appropriate to thembecause they fit in with where they are at in processing their grief.But those things will feel or seem horrendous to us or the personwho is currently in the midst of the loss. They will not match up to



the experience of the one who is sitting in the middle of a freshloss.

This dissonance is sometimes harsh and painful for people. One of the best ways for people to begin to move beyond the dissonanceand get back to healing amid grief is for them to acknowledge tothemselves the things people have done or said. They should alsoacknowledge how this has hurt.

Having a group to acknowledge these hurts in is vital and can helpthe griever to understand that not everyone will say the wrongthing. People in the support group will be more likely to

understand what they are feeling most immediately.

People in the group will also be at different places in the process,but they will more readily understand how seemingly meaningfulgestures can hurt. An image that may help is the image of twogears turning. When they are in sync with one another, the gearsinterlock and move toward their intended goal. But, when they donot fit, they cannot work toward one end.

“Don’t Forget” Checklist:

_____ A box of tissues_____ Email or call everyone to remind them of meeting

and to bring think about people who have tried to help themthroughout this process

_____ To have one sure way of getting in touchwith every member in case of cancellations

_____ Have plenty of paper, pens, pencils, journals and artsupplies on hand (markers, paints, crayons, posterpaper, brushes, finger paints)

_____ A Post-It type flipchart and markers



_____ Handouts of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Posters of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Handouts of local and national grief resources_____ Folders or binders for people to collect items in_____ Soft, “wordless”, relaxation music and CD player_____ Candle and matches_____ A referral list for yourself to make referrals when

peoples’ grief becomes complicated or dangerous_____ Buy a copy of: Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations

for Working Through Grief by, Martha W. Hickman (andhave copies available for the members, too)

_____ Choose a poem, song or ritual that you will use for your

closing of each session. You must close with the sameclosing every week throughout the sessions._____ Assign time frames to the agenda

Closing Activity, Reading or Song:______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Module 5

Agenda Outline:

Welcome and Introduction of all members– playmusic softly in background until the meetingactually begins

Ice Breaker –PIECE OF THE PUZZLE: Facilitatorshould cut a puzzle out of poster paper ahead of time. (Thereshould be one piece for each member of the group.) Haveparticipants decorate their piece to represent who they areand what they feel they can contribute to the group. Onceparticipants are done, have them share what they have ontheir piece. Participants should them assemble thepuzzle. Facilitator should initiate a discussion on the powerof everyone coming together, how much more of an impact aput together puzzle can have, than separate pieces, and how afinal product could not be reached without a contributionfrom every piece of the puzzle. It would be good to find anice healing poster of a natural scene or some people doing agreat deed of kindness.

Reading from Healing After Loss LIGHT CANDLEThis book will provide educational data and anorganizing point for the group grieving process. It isimportant to read it twice, once now, and then again



toward the end of the session. It is best to just read theselection that is set aside for the date you are meeting,but you certainly can choose another to read. Youshould either purchase one for each group member orhave them purchase one themselves. This is a vitaltool.

Discussion about “Contracts”

Let people know that it is important to discuss whyeveryone is here and what is expected for people to gainfrom these sessions. There are purposes, goals, andrules to how a group should run. Remind them thatthere are “agency purposes, goals, and rules” for thisand “individual purposes, goals, and rules” for this.Start out the discussion by stating the agency goals(listed below on the handouts). List them on “Post-itFlipchart” paper and hang them up. Add to these (in adifferent color) items listed by the group membersthemselves.

Discussion about “People Who Try To Help”

Go around the circle and ask people to share peoplewho have tried to help them throughout their loss.Remind them it is ok to share about people who haveactually helped and people who have meant well butdid not help.

It will be important to bring in the notion that thedissonance comes from the varied experience peoplehave had with life and loss and the varied ability peoplehave in processing life and loss. Some people will opento the pain of loss and some will close to it. This, plus



individuals’ varied life experiences will create harmonyor dissonance. The “gears” image above may help.

People are allowed to pass if they are not able to share.

Journaling/Art Time

Now it is time for them to journal about the people whohave tried to help. They can do this however they wish.The may want to write out a list of all those who haveoffered help and then next to the names list out howthey have tried to help and whether that was helpful or

not. Or they may just wish to list out all of the helpfulthings and all of the non-helpful things people haveoffered as assistance. Be sure that people also write outwhat it is that they need that would be helpful forpeople to offer or say. When you are finished, ask themto do a quick sketch with markers of what it feels likewhen someone says the absolute wrong thing; and then,what it feels like when someone offers healing comfort.

Leave your qualifiers for the project vague like they arelisted above so that people have the freedom to interpretand create in whatever direction they are able or led togo. Tell them that it is their impression of what theythink the assignment is that is most important. Theyshould create based on what comes to mind when theyhear what the assignment is.

Sharing our “Creations”Go around the room and share the creations with thegroup. Allow people to elaborate or remain vaguebased on their desires and capabilities at the moment.



Remind them they may pass if they do not wish or arenot able to share.

Reading from Healing After Loss

Reread the earlier selection.

Closing – Extinguish Candle after Closing

Use the closing of your choice – use it every week.

NOTES:__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Before you can lead others with this discussion, you should writeout your own experience – THIS IS NOT TO SHARE, just for you

to experience the exercise:______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Weekly Toolbox

Ideas, Links, Activities, and Readings for Group Members

Check out http://newpathcenter.blogspot.com/2007/10/what-helped-us-in-our-grief.html and see how this family listed outwhat really helped them.Check out how this site talks about grief and the processhttp://www.babycenter.com.au/pregnancy/griefandloss/understandinggrief/ Check out these suggestions for what is most helpful for

grievers to receive from people and when people ask whatthey can do, perhaps offer one of these ideashttp://www.associatedcontent.com/article/412659/7_ways_to_help_people_with_their_grief.htmlSpend time with your journal this week writing about wayspeople have tried to help that have hurt or backfired. Thencounter these experiences with examples of people who haveoffered help that have truly helped.Write about the notion of other peoples’ suffering that comesfrom them watching you suffer with this loss.

http://newpathcenter.blogspot.com/2007/10/what-helped-us-in-our-grief.html


http://www.babycenter.com.au/pregnancy/griefandloss/understandinggrief/


http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/412659/7_ways_to_help_people_with_their_grief.html










The Art of Grief

Purpose:

The purpose of our group is to give everyone a safeand neutral space in which to allow their feelings of grief and loss to come out.

It is also our purpose to connect with other individualswho have experienced deep loss so we can feel normaland connected to people who do understand.

It is also our purpose that we will be available to helppeople resolve and solve issues when they are readyand ask for help.

It is also our purpose to allow people to try new formsof expression. These forms include (but are notlimited to) painting, journaling, sketching, drawing,sculpting, montaging, writing poetry/story/song, andperforming.



Goals:

To enable people to express what is going on inside

To enable people to feel they are being heard

To enable people to create

To enable people to heal amid their grief and loss

To provide a routine and safe environment formourners

Rules:

We begin and end on time

One person speaks at a time

We do not try to solve anyone’s issues unless asked

We do not monopolize a conversation or session

We are allowed to pass in discussions if we are notable to share



The Art of Grief

Module 6:

“What Has Been My Strength”


Throughout our lives we have several pillars which support us.We tend to gain our strength from the same areas. This is true forthe short run and for the long haul.

If you think about ways in which you daily gain strength, there is agood chance that these things give you sustenance through majorperiods of your life. Maybe it is reading, or walking, or shoppingor friends. Whatever you use to connect to feelings of stability,strength and wellbeing on a day to day basis is being hardwired

into your life over time.

As we approach the notion of what gives us strength during thegrieving and loss process, it will be important to remember that theperson we have lost will somehow figure into our strength.Whether it is through activities that we did only with this person,or qualities that strengthen us that are characteristics of this person,or similar hopes we have shared with this person.

We need to honor these connections and we also need to look athow we have gotten through things in the past and how we mayhave replicated those same things in this critical juncture. Therewill be occasional outliers in terms of new things that people havelearned to do during this particular phase of life/ But, for the most



part, things that have helped us to gain strength in the past will bethe same things that help us to gain strength in the present.

Often, while our loved ones are still with us, we may have beenencouraged to look at photo albums together to cope with the painof the illness. Even when we are not facing great pain andsuffering, we tend to feel a sense of inner strength fromremembering how complex and expansive our lives have reallybeen.

Part of the reason we can gain insight and strength from reviewingphotos and where we have been is that as powerful as the mind is,

it tends to only remember what is before it at the moment. So,bringing out things that can help us to recall where we have beenthrough our lives can be powerful.

Think about reunions with folks you have not seen for decades.The stories (both good and bad) tend to open us up and feel as if we are larger than just this moment now in our life. We arereminded of all of the depth we have; of all that is in us that hashelped make us who we are.

This kind of review builds strength. People that journal regularlyor paint or have some type of artistic expression gain this samesense of inner development when they review their creations.

It will be important to bring this notion up so that the participantswill make the connection that the work they have done here willenter into the landscape of their lives. It will be a source of encouragement at some later point in life.

This is also a large reason why people collect and place materialobjects all around them. The objects connect them to people,places, or times that gave them inner strength. Being around theseobjects bolsters people up.








_____ A Post-It type flipchart and markers_____ Handouts of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Posters of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Handouts of local and national grief resources_____ Folders or binders for people to collect items in_____ Soft, “wordless”, relaxation music and CD player_____ Candle and matches_____ A referral list for yourself to make referrals when

peoples’ grief becomes complicated or dangerous_____ Buy a copy of: Healing After Loss: Daily Meditationsfor Working Through Grief by, Martha W. Hickman (andhave copies available for the members, too)

_____ Choose a poem, song or ritual that you will use for yourclosing of each session. You must close with the sameclosing every week throughout the sessions.

_____ Assign time frames to the agenda

Closing Activity, Reading or Song:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Module 6

Agenda Outline:


Ice Breaker - WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW: Tape ablank piece of paper (poster board - kind of like a billboardover the person’s head) on everyone’s back. The membersare to write a compliment or positive comment on everyone’sback. At the end of the session, explain that a lot of times wetend to give compliments behind someone’s back and it is notvery often that we actually say these things to people’sfaces. We sometimes take for granted the positive aspects of others. If you wish, you may also explain that criticismsoften are given behind other’s backs as well, and that it maybe more effective if they go to the person, instead of others. Have the group members pair up with someone theywould like to get to know better and remove the paper fromeach other’s backs. They should then explain to that personwhy they would like to get to know him/her better.

Reading from Healing After Loss LIGHT CANDLEThis book will provide educational data and anorganizing point for the group grieving process. It is



important to read it twice, once now, and then againtoward the end of the session. It is best to just read theselection that is set aside for the date you are meeting,but you certainly can choose another to read. Youshould either purchase one for each group member orhave them purchase one themselves. This is a vitaltool.


Let people know that it is important to discuss whyeveryone is here and what is expected for people to gainfrom these sessions. There are purposes, goals, andrules to how a group should run. Remind them thatthere are “agency purposes, goals, and rules” for thisand “individual purposes, goals, and rules” for this.Start out the discussion by stating the agency goals(listed below on the handouts). List them on “Post-itFlipchart” paper and hang them up. Add to these (in adifferent color) items listed by the group members

themselves.

Discussion about “What Has Been My Strength”

Go around the circle and ask people to share whatthings have given them strength throughout their lives.What have been the things that they have done thatgave them a sense of stability, wellbeing and personal

power/growth. These should be things that they knowthat they have drawn on throughout their lives in bothdifficult and easy times.

Now ask them what things have given them strength inthis time of grief and loss. How have they drawn the



power and energy they need to live every day, to healamid loss, to get through this critical part of their life’s journey? There should also be some time spentdiscussing what strength is and how it manifests inpeoples’ lives.


Journaling/Art Time

Now it is time for them to journal about the ways theyhave found strength. It will be vital for them to start

out with things that have been there all along – journalabout ways they have found strength throughout theirlives. Not just today, but first write out all the waysthey have found power in their lives from when theywere young, up until before this loss entered their life.

Once they have addressed that, have them go on to howthey have found strength during this leg of the journey.Be sure they include specific things that have helpedthem feel grounded and like they are mending.

When they are finished journaling this out, have themsketch, using whatever medium they would like (eitherin their journal or on separate paper) what they look like as a strong, energy filled and powerful, stableperson. They may include any of the things that givethem strength in the piece or they may simply design itto be what they look like as a strong individual.

Leave your qualifiers for the project vague like they arelisted above so that people have the freedom to interpretand create in whatever direction they are able or led togo. Tell them that it is their impression of what they



think the assignment is that is most important. Theyshould create based on what comes to mind when theyhear what the assignment is.

Sharing our “Creations”

Go around the room and share the creations with thegroup. Allow people to elaborate or remain vaguebased on their desires and capabilities at the moment.Remind them they may pass if they do not wish or arenot able to share.





NOTES:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


to experience the exercise:______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Weekly Toolbox


Check out some of the notions and ideas in this collection onhow we create meaning in our lives via our mind and its

thought power:http://www.successconsciousness.com/free_ebooks/mind-your-mind.pdf

Google INNER STRENGTH and se what comes up. Whatsorts of things are associated with inner strength from otherpeoples’ perspectives and create a list of those things found.

Create a list of qualities of inner strength that come to mindwhen you consider the lives of other people all around you/ These may be people you know or people you admirebecause of their work, or writings, or beliefs.

Who do you consider to be STRONG. Make a collage of their photos that you print out or copy. This may be familymembers or great people from history. But, place thiscollage of STRONG PEOPLE in a place that will give youhope and courage throughout the day.

http://www.successconsciousness.com/free_ebooks/mind-your-mind.pdf






The Art of Grief

Purpose:







Goals:






Rules:








The Art of GriefModule 7:

“How Do I Hear Them Now”


It is very common, particularly right after the loss, for us to hearthe individual that has died. Sometimes we audibly hear theirvoice, but more often we hear inside of us the things we wouldeither expect to hear them so or wish we would hear them say if they were still alive.

At first this may seem like a curse to people. But, as time goes on,what people begin to recognize is this is a way of honoring theperson and the connection they have had with who we are and

what we do. It is also a way of reminding us that we are not reallyonly ourselves alone. We are an amalgam or composite of thethousand and one experiences we have been through and amassedthroughout our length of days on this planet.

We store everything that we have seen, touched, heard, smelled,and tasted inside of us for the duration of our days. The Buddhistscall the place we collect this information in our “store

consciousness”.

All of the things we store are like seeds. And, although wesometimes stumble on a memory stored in this consciousness byaccident because something triggers its emergence, we also havethe ability to choose which of these seeds we water and develop



into something more. Some seeds will also lie dormant and un-watered.

We may hear people when we pass a favorite bakery of theirs. Or,perhaps we hear them at the Thanksgiving table. We may seethem when we go to their favorite park, or we may hear them whenwe do something of which we know they would disapprove.

The seeds of remembrance are really all around us. Immediatelyafter the loss we are sitting down right in the middle of a pile of seeds. Everything brings their voice or sight to mind. We actuallycan literally see the person repeatedly because the seeds are so

many.

As time passes we often long to have more experiences of theperson than we actually do, feeling somehow that our loyalty iswaning because we have less encounters. And, in the years wellbeyond the loss we actually learn to savor those moments that theseeds get watered, seeing them as a direct link to someone who hasbuilt a major portion of our lives.

It will be vital in this session for folks to figure out how it is theyare currently interacting with the one who has died. How are theyhearing that person in their life today, when do they think of them,or wish they were around?

This is a chance for folks to actively think about going into their“store consciousness” and sort through the seeds they have there.They may actually wish to draw this out to give it moreconcreteness. They may also wish to sort out which ones theyplan to water and invest with meaning by tending them to fullgrowth.








_____ A Post-It type flipchart and markers_____ Handouts of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Posters of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Handouts of local and national grief resources_____ Folders or binders for people to collect items in_____ Soft, “wordless”, relaxation music and CD player_____ Candle and matches_____ A referral list for yourself to make referrals when

peoples’ grief becomes complicated or dangerous_____ Buy a copy of: Healing After Loss: Daily Meditationsfor Working Through Grief by, Martha W. Hickman (andhave copies available for the members, too)



Closing Activity, Reading or Song:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of GriefModule 7

Agenda Outline:


Ice Breaker

Reading from Healing After Loss LIGHT CANDLEThis book will provide educational data and an

organizing point for the group grieving process. It isimportant to read it twice, once now, and then againtoward the end of the session. It is best to just read theselection that is set aside for the date you are meeting,but you certainly can choose another to read. Youshould either purchase one for each group member orhave them purchase one themselves. This is a vitaltool.


Let people know that it is important to discuss whyeveryone is here and what is expected for people to gainfrom these sessions. There are purposes, goals, and



rules to how a group should run. Remind them thatthere are “agency purposes, goals, and rules” for thisand “individual purposes, goals, and rules” for this.Start out the discussion by stating the agency goals(listed below on the handouts). List them on “Post-itFlipchart” paper and hang them up. Add to these (in adifferent color) items listed by the group membersthemselves.

Discussion about “People Who Try To Help”

Go around the circle and ask people to share about howthey are connecting with their loved one at this time.Do they hear them at critical junctures, or see them inthe landscape at the park? Do they hear their voice asthey shop, or do they long for a connection while theyplant the fall flowers?

The things they share do not need to be large events orexperiences. Just a simple connection may be all they

experience: like seeing them in the new grandbaby’ssmile.


Journaling/Art Time

Now it is time for them to journal about how they havefound connections. If it a reoccurring feeling of theperson’s presence while they walk through the garden,then write about it. If it is hearing their insistence whileshopping for a new dress, then write about it. Perhapsit is how they anticipate hearing or seeing their lovedone at the upcoming Thanksgiving Dinner, then write



about it. As always, people may feel free to sketchpaint or color their entry.

Leave your qualifiers for the project vague like they are

listed above so that people have the freedom to interpretand create in whatever direction they are able or led togo. Tell them that it is their impression of what theythink the assignment is that is most important. Theyshould create based on what comes to mind when theyhear what the assignment is.


Go around the room and share the creations with thegroup. Allow people to elaborate or remain vaguebased on their desires and capabilities at the moment.Remind them they may pass if they do not wish or arenot able to share.





NOTES:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


to experience the exercise:__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Weekly Toolbox


Read the simple understanding of store consciousness thatThich Nhat Hahn describes at:

http://www.explorefaith.org/tnh/tnh_pm.htmlWrite about all of the seeds you would like to water that arein your store consciousness.Draw a garden and allow different sections of the garden tobe various segments of your store consciousness: the patch inthe back is my memories of childhood, in the front of mycurrent life. Label some of the plants and flowers.Google store consciousness and read more about the ideas

there.Write a list of all the things you would like to plant in yourlife and nurture to full growth: love, joy, patience, integrity,adventurousness, etc..

http://www.explorefaith.org/tnh/tnh_pm.html

http://www.explorefaith.org/tnh/tnh_pm.html



The Art of Grief

Purpose:







Goals:






Rules:








Often in our lives we run upagainst losses that knock us off the path or at least slow usdown considerably. These lossesmake us feel as if we have been blocked from any chance at

progress, perhaps even made togo backward away from ourgoals and patterns of growth.

We suffer losses not only ashospice caregivers but also aspeople as children, parents,lovers, and friends. Each stepalong the path of life reveals notonly beautiful vistas and gor-geous panoramas but also diffi-cult scenery, painful horizons.

We seek to hold life in the bal-

ance. We try to give equal time tothe pain and the joy, mingle tearsand laughter. To focus on onlyone aspect would be to disregardthe deeper places in us and forgethow complex we truly are.

Throughout each day, we goabout the task of consoling. Welisten to people s suffering andlet them know they have beenheard. We tell them what theyhave said, so they may hear

themselves.So many people do not hearhow deeply they feel hurt, orhow deeply they feel joy. Thenwe, the counselors, try to enablethem to search their lives forsolutions, resolutions, and peace.

As easy as it may be to increasea dose of medication or blindlytell people that nothing is wrong,we choose the more difficultpath. It would be simple to anes-

thetize a symptom, hide an emo-tion that may ruffle a feather. It ismuch more difficult to listen, tohear, and to search deeply to besure that the salve is not numb-ing an important realization.

We have all held the hand of someone crying from pain andrealized that their anguish could be assuaged by the call from a

family member reaching out.Some pain results from a lack of forgiveness. This consolation isfar more obscure: the opioid thatwould ease this pain is tendermercy and compassion. These

consolations take their toll on thecaregiver.One day, we will notice that a

patient sounds lonely as sherecounts the tales of her childrenwhen they were young. Anotherday we will hear vigor andunabashed pride as we hear thestories of a person s hike of theAppalachian Trail.

We turn toward these peopleand verbally model for them

what it means to comfort andconsole. We let them know weheard them. We say things like:

Sarah, that is so touching. Itsounds like you miss those dayswhen your children wereyoung. Or, Harry, you must beso proud of that hike. What amajor accomplishment.

Once we have let them know

149Healing MinistryVolume 11, Number 4, Fall 2004

From the pulpit

The silent spaceFather Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ

Father Dn. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ,Lighthouse Hospice, Morrisville, Pennsyl-vania.

PROOF COPY ONLY - DO NOT DISTRIBUTE



we have heard them, we are setfree to help them resolve or con-nect with those moments in afresh and fulfilling way. We willthen be able to add to what wesaid by saying, Sarah, have youtalked to your girls today? Theywould love to hear you share thatstory again. Or, Harry, I bet Joewould love to come over for cof-fee and look at those pictures of the hike. You two are such goodfriends.

But, when the commotion of providing care settles, and whenthe intense activity of our visitssubsides and the patients are allgone, we are worn out. We may be exhausted physically, or wemay just be a bit touchy emotion-ally perhaps even crabby.

How should we grieve? Whereshould we turn? What shall beour consolation? And what of themoments when the grief hasmoved closer in on us andentered into the circle of our closefriends and families.

First and foremost, I believe itis essential that we clear thedecks for five to 15 minutes daily.We must learn to sit down anddo nothing.

Vow not to budge until youhave completed some form of quiettime no phones, no distractions, just stillness. Eerie, and echo-filledat first, this quiet time will becomea source of rejuvenation.

Creating a silent space that is

meant for your own healing iscritical. It is good to create a cen-tral image for routine visualiza-tion that can help you settle intothe quiet space, such as a cave ora secluded grove of trees.

Visualize the locus hidden with-in your heart. Imagine a path thatleads to this place in the heartand then travel on it.

Once you have arrived in thegarden, or grove, or cave of theheart, just be still. Something willemerge that needs to be heard.Listen to what you hear andnotice what appears in yourmind. It will be important.

At first, the things we hear ornotice may be distressing, butthis means that we need toacknowledge that we are in dis-tress. Soon, we will hear andnotice things in a less pressingway. The process moves ustoward calm, even when theissues of our life are immense.

From within that quiet spacewill emerge what we need tohear. As with the people we con-sole, we must first listen to hearwhat it is we are saying beforewe can attempt to resolve theissue that lies at hand.

Sitting allows things to come

up from within us. Once we hearwhat we are trying to say to our-selves, then we can look for theremedy. Once we know we aresad, we can seek how to expressit or ways to work with it. Oncewe hear ourselves say we areexhausted, we will be more read-ily inclined to not push ourselvestoo much. Once we realize welove someone, we will then besure to find the opportunity to

share that emotion.Remedies may come in theform of learning some new wayto cope, or by reading some textsdesigned to help people gainsupportive information, but they

may also come from sharingwhat you heard inside withsomeone dear. That person isthen given the opportunity toprovide care for you. Others holdthe keys to treasure chests andattic doors in our own lives.

We may find that we long forforgiveness. We may notice thatwe just want to cry. We may rec-ognize deep gratefulness andthanksgiving. We may findunbridled laughter. All of this iswithin us.

We sometimes schedule itright out of the experience of ourlives. Stillness reconnects us withour own journey.

These steps are not easy toaccomplish the path difficult. Butthis is the proper way toward con-solation. It is exactly what we ask of our patients and their families:

1. Take some time for your-self, by yourself, to listen towhat is going on inside.

2. Share what you find withthose on your path, andseek a remedy or way toexpress what you havefound.

May the work that we do andthe people we meet remind usthat consolation begins with still-ness. May we trust enough toknow that all life seeks to grow.May we notice that all plants turn

toward the sun. May we feel thatall oceans move in rhythm to thetugging of the moon. May werecognize that all people long forwholeness and that we are oneof those people.

150 Healing MinistryVolume 11, Number 4, Fall 2004



The Art of Grief

Module 8:

“What Have I Learned About Myself”


The nature of grief makes it difficult to feel good about learninganything from – anywhere in the process. It may feel like we havebecome disloyal to our loved one if we acknowledge any form of learning or growth from, during, or after the loss.

Although our loved one would want to know that we are copingand growing in spite of this death, it still feels awkward toacknowledge our learning or growth. That will not change becausefor the most part we would rather have our loved one instead of the

learning or growth from the experience of loss.

But, regardless of the layers of complication that attend thelearning/growth or movement that we have made over the pastmonths, we still have shifted and grown. It is vital to see this shiftand learning/growth and to acknowledge it. As with all otherpieces of this coping process, we have done it before – duringother losses – and we will do it again.

The marvel of life itself is that it finds a way. In some othercircumstances or examples of growth – more particularly insomeone or something else – we would look at its growth andemergence through a difficult time and say it is beautiful. Perhaps



acknowledging our growth through loss as a marvel will feelsomewhat better and less disloyal.

Nonetheless growth has occurred and we are going to look at thattoday. It may appear to be simple: I can balance the checkbook now, I have learned to cook, I go to Temple on my own, or I havelearned I don’t mind crying as much as I thought, but it is neverreally simple. There have been hundreds maybe thousands of small movements and advances to get us to that one place. It is notsimple.

It may appear to be more complex: I have gone back to school to

get my Master’s and then Doctorate; or, I have learned that I reallydon’t thank people for how they impact my life. But, again,hundreds maybe thousands of small shifts have gotten us to thatpoint.

Many will measure growth in being able to get through a holidayspecial family meal or gathering. Others will notice it in beingable to go to the beach again – or the mountains – that specialplace that our loved one enjoyed. Some will have learned that theywere too dependent or too aloof.

Still others, who held some sort of trauma bond with the deceased,may find some amazing and powerful sense of freedom and growthand be living some whole new life they never imagined; the rangewill be wide and varied.

Lists are always helpful in times of grief. They are neutral andsimple, not threatening and or burdensome. They help us toremember things we will have a hard time with during the chaos –like where to go and what needs to be done. But, they also give usa chance to mark down some internal feelings and images withouthaving to spend too much time or energy invested in the process.We can build a list of ways we have grown or what we have



learned about ourselves and then walk away from it without gettingtoo in depth.

Lists are safety valves for acknowledging things. In these sessionswe have used them opposite artistic rendering because theyprovide a good place to begin. Our journaling and painting ordrawing allows us to build on the information in the list when weare ready and able. So, again, let us begin to list things. Today letus list the ways we have grown or what we have learned aboutourselves amid this loss.

Some ideas:

I can cryI can balance the checkbook I can connect with my childrenI understand an earlier deathI can go out by myself I can talk about difficult thingsI can receive help from my friends

I have been able to clean out the closetI have been able to send all the bills on timeI have been able to ask for helpI made it through the insurance nightmareI have been able to forgiveI have been able to love againI am no longer numbI have been able to keep track of my keys

There can be no greater or lesser to this list, no grading of importance. Every one of these things will feel like a majoraccomplishment when it is surpassed. The often heaviness of grief makes any movement feel monumental, so enforcing this notion inthe group will be vital.







_____ Have plenty of paper, pens, pencils, journals and artsupplies on hand (markers, paints, crayons, poster

paper, brushes, finger paints)_____ A Post-It type flipchart and markers_____ Handouts of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Posters of Purpose, Goals and Rules for the Group_____ Handouts of local and national grief resources_____ Folders or binders for people to collect items in_____ Soft, “wordless”, relaxation music and CD player_____ Candle and matches

_____ A referral list for yourself to make referrals whenpeoples’ grief becomes complicated or dangerous_____ Buy a copy of: Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations

for Working Through Grief by, Martha W. Hickman (andhave copies available for the members, too)



Closing Activity, Reading or Song:__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Module 8

Agenda Outline:


Ice Breaker

Reading from Healing After Loss LIGHT CANDLEThis book will provide educational data and an

organizing point for the group grieving process. It isimportant to read it twice, once now, and then againtoward the end of the session. It is best to just read theselection that is set aside for the date you are meeting,but you certainly can choose another to read. Youshould either purchase one for each group member orhave them purchase one themselves. This is a vitaltool.


Let people know that it is important to discuss whyeveryone is here and what is expected for people to gainfrom these sessions. There are purposes, goals, and



rules to how a group should run. Remind them thatthere are “agency purposes, goals, and rules” for thisand “individual purposes, goals, and rules” for this.Start out the discussion by stating the agency goals(listed below on the handouts). List them on “Post-itFlipchart” paper and hang them up. Add to these (in adifferent color) items listed by the group membersthemselves.

Discussion about “What I have Learned aboutMyself”

Go around the circle and ask people to share what theyhave learned (how they have grown) from thisexperience of loss. This should include the entireprocess of the loss.

Be sure to bring some sort of discussion to the fore onfeelings of disloyalty that were discussed above so thatthese issues can be out on the table at the fore andenable people to participate without as much guilt.


Journaling/Art Time

Now it is time for them to journal about the people whohave tried to help. They can do this however they wish.

The may want to write out a list of all those who haveoffered help and then next to the names list out howthey have tried to help and whether that was helpful ornot. Or they may just wish to list out all of the helpfulthings and all of the non-helpful things people haveoffered as assistance.



Leave your qualifiers for the project vague like they arelisted above so that people have the freedom to interpretand create in whatever direction they are able or led togo. Tell them that it is their impression of what theythink the assignment is that is most important. Theyshould create based on what comes to mind when theyhear what the assignment is.


Go around the room and share the creations with thegroup. Allow people to elaborate or remain vague

based on their desires and capabilities at the moment.Remind them they may pass if they do not wish or arenot able to share.





NOTES:________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Before you can lead others with this discussion, you should writeout your own experience – THIS IS NOT TO SHARE, just for youto experience the exercise:

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



The Art of Grief

Weekly Toolbox


Check out these sites for things we may have learned:http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Grief-Process.htm

http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20051118&slug=didion20

http://www.myspouseisdead.com/2008/03/gifts-from-grief.html

Begin a section in your journal for (as the above link callsthem) gifts from grief. Don’t just list them, but write aboutthem, or paint and draw them out

Call someone who has been worried about you and sharesome of what has been going on for you

Consider writing an article for your church or temple on giftsyou have gained from grief, make it available to other folkswho have been where you are

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Grief-Process.htm









http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Grief-Process.htm



The Art of Grief

Purpose:







Goals:






Rules:








It started sometime in autumnof this past year. Amid the fallingand the browning of the leaves,somewhere between the arrivalof the whirling winds and thecrisping air, came the notion thatI was settling into this life that Iwas coming back home.

When it passed through thecells I hold dear calling themmy mind, but knowing themnow to be more of a colanderthrough which thoughts and

notions and recollections end-lessly sift I took note of it.Something about the thoughtdrew attention to itself and madethe larger part of me mark it assomething special.

I clearly thought, This forty-fifth year of my life will be about being at home in this life that iscurrently mine. Somethingabout it felt like I was coming back to the place I started from,

but this time I would be in thisplace with a special knowledge.This time I would be aware that Iwas here, and this time I would be at home with the idea of beinghere.

That is when I realized it.Having heard myself say this

thing over and over again in sev-eral different ways, I had thestark realization that, really, thisis the best we can hope for that,like Eliot, if we could arrive andknow this place for the first time,even though it is home, then wewill have done something withour lives.

Since the autumn months Ihave churned the idea over and

over again. It comes out sound-ing one way one day and thenanother on another, but thepremise is somehow always thesame. We spend a large portionof our earthly lives taking inexperiences and cataloging them,sorting them and grouping them.Somewhere in the process, if wecollect enough experiences or theproper sequence of events, or justget lucky one day, we start to rec-

ognize some underlying connec-tion or recurring theme a sortof meaning. These awakeningscan happen several times in ourlives, but, always, when theyhappen they seem to condense,organize, and redirect the natureand purpose of what we mayhave considered to be our des-tinies or paths.

It so happened that in theautumn of this past year, I settleddown into my life and felt that itwas my home. My life wouldserve as my place to be at thistime.

I discovered, in the churningof this notion, that this home-coming has a lot to do withnature. There seems to be a largeshift, in our society, away fromthings natural. We are develop-ing all sorts of items and gadgets

that redirect and redistribute thestuff of quarks and gluons, likethe Internet, which carries ourmessages as the mind carriesthoughts and whims. But when itcomes to technology, we havenot been turned on so much bythe processes we have tappedinto the similarity of computer-ized function and human menta-tion as we have fallen for thetrinkets we have made to carry

out the processes.We have made a golden calf and then fallen down in front of it. It is as if we have forgotten thatwe just made the thing. What isso odious about a golden calf isthat it is a collection of atoms fash-ioned into an identity that is sup-posed to lift us above the craftedentity itself, into the higher

1Healing MinistryVolume 13, Number 2, Spring 2006

Coming back homeFather Dn. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ

Father Dn. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ,Lighthouse Hospice, Morrisville, Pennsyl-vania.



realms of Being. When we fall forthe illusion we have made, weare putting our toy before thevery mystery of it all and choos-ing the toy as our meaning.

Standing on the shores of themighty ocean opened me to the

tinniness of all that is not rawnature. Sitting on the loamy, softearth in a grove of cedars on aknobby hill overlookingTohickon Creek showed me thatsimple and unaided beauty feedsus. It is in the wilds that I havefound the essence of thesethoughts and the gentle aware-ness of these larger-than-lifetruths.

Throughout my life I have livedthrough long stretches where Ihave been out of the woods andaway from the shores. When I go back, it is obvious that I have been away from something thatfeeds me. I have, upon my re-turn, plainly felt that I have comehome to myself.

Over the years of my life I have

had these awakenings again andagain. It is the recurrence of theseawakenings that has helped meto feel what went on in me in theautumn of this year. Having beenaway from my center repeatedlyin my life and having the goodgrace to return to it even if byhappenstance and serendipity Ihave created a neural pathwaythat recognizes return. It was in

that one moment, unaided bylarger natural events or sur-roundings (for I was squattingdown in my backyard to pick upa piece of wood), that I recog-nized that this whole chunk of life I call my own was about myfeeling comfortable and at homein my flesh and in my being. Allof this was informed by my con-nection to the earth and myrecognition that this connectionsomehow feeds me.

This connection to the earthand all things natural feeds us all.I have seen it in my parents, inmy children, in my wife, inmyself, and in my friends. I haveseen it in the eyes and hearts of dying patients as they relive theirdays on this Earth in the talesthey tell. And I am emphasizingmy connection to this homecom-ing, forged in the autumn of thispast year, to highlight the valueof all things natural. The earth,the wind, the ocean, the stars,loamy dirt, dry leaves, dewy

mornings, and the like haveinvisible ways of informing usthat we are a part of somethinglarger than ourselves. They sendout thousands of stabilizing ten-drils that secure us to meaning.

If we deny these things to thedying, if we hold back the awe-some and thunderous presenceof the Earth mother from thosewho are disintegrating, we are

keeping them from fitting theirdying into the greater scheme.When we feel our dying is justabout us, we have made our-selves to be alone, but when wesee it is a part of a larger cycle of life and death, then there is hope.We are not alone. It may be assimple as pointing the bedtoward the open window to seethe sun or trees. It may be arrang-ing a trip to the beach or woodswith wheelchairs and oxygen.We must not deny our dying theearth and the air. We mustexpose our dying to the fullnessof life, that they may feel at homein their dying, and, with them,we must take our children, too.

Being at home is not some-thing that we will always feel itcomes and goes at peak momentsin our lives but every day weare creating the pathways forremembering it. We may be ableto help our dying by placingthem in the presence of deep andpowerful energies that will

prompt notions of being at home.We shall not cease fromexplorationAnd the end of all ourexploringWill be to arrive where westartedAnd know the place for thefirst time.

T. S. Eliot, Little Gidding

2 Healing MinistryVolume 13, Number 2, Spring 2006



These selections are from a larger piece of the same title by the author.

There is something that ishaunting about water. Not justher power to drown or destroy.There is a lot of silence in her, anda lot of aged knowledge fromseeing and passing all that has been. That is her wisdom.

I believe that bridges andpaths hold many of the same ele-ments for me, anyhow. There issilence in them; there is agedknowledge and wisdom, too.

I have often pondered by themand pondered about them. I havesat for hours on end staring at themand surrounding their essencewith my self; and surroundingmy self with them. I have put myfeelings into them and drawn them

back into me to feel what it is to be a bridge, a path, to be water.All in all, I would have to say,

the part that haunts me is theirstillness. Hidden in the apparentmotionless of each is the abilityto move things. Whether it is

water s placid talent of carryingthings on her back along her banks, or a bridge s easy courtesyof allowing passage from one sideto another, or a country path s sin-uous invitation to slowly amble,each may appear still but in reality be all about movement.

It is that conundrum thatdraws my interest. It is that Icon

that elicits my adoration andawe. A place of such motion isyet a place of utter stillness. Odd,isn t it? Stillness and motion being in the same place at once.

And there is another aspectthat draws me. It is the sense thatthese things mirror deeper, moremajestic truths. One way inwhich they do that for me is thatoften, both paths and waters startat a point far away, a place we

cannot see. They move awayfrom that unseen place and movecloser to us to our seen place.

This reminds me of space andtime. It reminds me that our bestguesses and our most ancientmyths try to piece together howwe have come out of the unseen.It is a mysterium tremendum, agreat mystery.

This great mystery sort of begsthe questions wrapped around theBig Bang. This mystery of thingsmoving toward us and becomingmore visible, more solid, createsthe question, If we go back, do weeventually see all things merginginto one? And behind that,is theVOID at this place?

What follows are words and

pictures that reveal stillness andmotion, movement from andtoward, passage through spaceand time.

Capturing the illusory natureof life and its images is a grasp-ing at mist, and yet in trying tomake out what is before us andall around us, we do find a fewlaconic and lapidary images thatwill make themselves into idolsof rapture and amazement. We

find a few pearls of wisdom tohelp carry us through our dayson this earth place.

These things, these things thatwe try to figure out and thesethings that we invest with mean-ing; it is these things that we canonly hope to discover. If we findany of them in one lifetime, we arehome.

1Healing MinistryVolume 13, Number 1, Winter 2006

Bridges, paths,

and waterFather Dn. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ

Father Dn. Thomas Johnson-Medland,Lighthouse Hospice, Cherry Hill, New Jersey.



If we find out what it means to be a bridge, or a path, or water,then we discover a piece of ourown selves. For, surely, we arenot only apart from the thingsaround us, but we are a part of the things around us. All aboutus are things that inform usabout how life is and who we are.

It is very clear to me in the hos-pice work we do that we often become bridges, or paths, orwater for those we care for. Weoften see how people who aredying become bridges and paths,and water for the people in theirlives.

There is a wonderful quotefrom Shantideva s Guide to theBodhisattva s Way of Life thatreads: May I be a protector forthose without one, a guide for alltravelers on the way; may I be a bridge, a boat, and a ship for allwho wish to cross the water.

This quote sets out a way inwhich we may be the stillmotion. We may be an object that

helps move folks from one placeto the next. We may be a vesselfor those who need transport.

In hospice, the journey is clear.People move from this physicallife to what comes next.However, our faiths paint thepicture or write the image(Orthodox Christians speakabout the craft of icon painting as

writing icons) it is clear thatthere is movement through life

into the afterlife.For that movement throughlife we need many vehicles, eachat various stages of the journeyand for differing tasks.Sometimes we may need to crosswater, at other times it will be adesert. Each time a vehicle of slightly different calibration andshape will be needed.

As hospice workers and aspeople who lend aid to othertravelers throughout life, wemust remain flexible, available,and open. If we do not, we maynot be of service.

If a person needs a path acrossa hot desert, being a boat will beof no use. If a log bridge is need-ed to cross a stream, being a pathwill be useless.

Being compassionate requiressuppleness and discernment. Wemust ferret out the need and beable to adapt our selves to thetask at hand.

The poems and photos thatfollow are simple amblings aboutthe vehicles that can get us fromone place to another in amotioned stillness. Theseamblings are meant to call untothe deep places in us and settle usinto a feeling of comfort aboutthe many roles we play in help-ing people move through thisearth-place to what lies ahead.

Simply HeatherLooking through the heather

the heart of the mountainturns to azure cool depths.Climbing stone on stone

moss wraps its limbsaround moist hardness.

A wind sails over the whiskersof a seal sleeping on a pileof seaweed. Why are we so

determined to remove ourselves

from this feeling of awe thatsurrounds us in the wilds?I could write these lines

again and again.The ocean comes in to lick the

shore, and we are embarrassed.The sun screams out beauty

in its descending pinksand oranges,

and we cover our ears. Why do

we complicate the beautifularray of mismatched and untied

strings by tyingodd ends together?

A Coldness

I reach down deep in the dirtand there is a coldness.

Not the coldness of being rude, but the coldness

of rugged surviving.Surviving against all odds;surviving in the face of a

fierce and mighty foe.Thistles grow like this.

Heather grows like this.In the face of death,

some people grow like thisgrow towards deep

strength and coldness.Standing on the edge

of the watersthe purple and the mist are

a ways off. They liftme up and bolster me

from my heart.

Seals and gulls flopand poke themselvesthrough the seaweed,looking for treasuresand for things to do.

They are toughened by this.They have saved themselves forlife and for death being able

to play. They havesaved themselves

from building bridges, and roadsand nuclear reactors.

They all slip, back into the cold,surviving against all odds,against

the desire to overdo and subdue.Against the desire

to create monstrouschaoses that they

will become unableto live without. And soon,

unable to live

2 Healing MinistryVolume 13, Number 1, Winter 2006



with. They slip throughthe golden

weeds, soaked withwet chill cold, and are gone.

Stones and Moss

I am captured by the stones.The way they sit there

piled and scatteredin and out of relation

with each other.

The mosses can fold themselves,if they like,

over the stones,making mortar of themselvesfor mounds of shifting rock.

They hold me, too.

I sit here,among them,

and am unable to move;sucking in the sun

and the rain and the waterand listening to time pass

with the moon.

WindwornThose portions of ourlives that disappear.Folds of flower flesh

turning to paper withthe passage of time.Those things are the

stuff the wind blows away.

It comes in sometimes,quickly from its place

beyond the horizon, and just picks up whatever it

wants. It throws it downand watches it bounce.This wind has power. Itcan take things from one

place to another. And,sometimes it makes

things go away.

I think I have felt it carryaway pieces of who I am

moving still pieces of who I am from here to there.

I am alright with that. Someof those pieces I never did

like. Some of them I will justplain miss. All in all, I like

the cleansing power of the wind.

Swan

Paddled under on the broken leg of a swan,

I feel your lovedeep in my lake.

Hearts entwine andflop over with the rising

and the falling of the tides.Muds stir and plants rollin the murky waters of

my heart, moving to therhythm of that broken leg.

And when she comes proudlyfrom that lake, she stretches herwing way back, and in its silent

brokenness,that wing stares

at you, with her eyes and showsall the wanting

and needing behindthat pride. She is in some pain;

some pain from just sitting.

Her white is starkagainst the water.

Serenity now turns withher in a small tilt of

the neck. She marks myeyes with a new gaze.

She knows she must leaveand she does.

Into the water,our tails raised tothe skies, we look,

searching desperatelyfor the next thing

that will become a partof us, and then leave again.

River Bending

We are not herelong enough

to watch the riverchange her shape.

But she does.I have felt it.We can see her swelland dry, but we donot get to see hercurl and cut and

grow old. She is anold thing. She goes back a thousand,thousand years.

We cannot see all thechanges, but we can

feel them. They arein there.

3Healing MinistryVolume 13, Number 1, Winter 2006



Introduction

Prayer is a vital part of our

lives. When we enter into crises,prayer goes with us. As valuableas it is and as central as it may be, when we go through a peri-od of suffering, the nature of ourprayer life changes. It enters thetrauma, along with the rest of our lives. No area is left un-touched.

I often find myself counselingpeople on ways to adapt theirprayer life to the changes in their

body throughout the dyingprocess. As their body weakens,the need for prayer is still as strong; but, they are not physically capableof mustering the focus necessary topray as they once did.

For some, this will mean for-getting well-memorized andheartfelt prayers. For others, they

will lose the ability to know howto pray; while in the past, extem-poraneous prayer came quitenaturally to them. Their inabilityto pull words together coherent-ly is troublesome and causesmuch frustration.

Ritual gazing

I generally ask people to keep apicture of Christ, the Virgin,

Buddha, the Ten Commandments,the Prophets, or some other reli-gious artifact close to their bedwithin viewing distance. I askthem to spend a little time each daygazing on the image and offering ashort prayer (while still able).

I ask them to send the imagelove, caring, tenderness, appreci-ation, thankfulness, gratefulness,

joy, and compassion. I ask themto send these things from theirhearts and from their eyes. I ask

them to communicate simplyand silently from within.Gradually, we build a practice

that will help when they becomeweaker. Through this process,they are extending and retrain-ing their ongoing spiritual selves.Changing the nature of prayerlife is a way of concretely prepar-ing for the changes that lie ahead.Primarily, the goal is to shift theawareness of prayer from a

mindful task of rememberingprayers or ways of praying, to anew heartfelt task of gazing andadmiring. This shift to gazingand admiration will becomemore and more important as peo-ple weaken, lose their train of thought, and become unable tospeak. The focus on admirationalso opens people s hearts to the

7Healing MinistryVolume 12, Number 4, Fall 2005

From the pulpit

Facing changesin prayerFather Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ

Father Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ,Lighthouse Hospice, Cherry Hill, New Jersey.



presence of God in stillness andquiet rest.

Benevolent glances

There is an old story of tworeligious masters who came tomeet each other for the first time.One was the head of WesternChristendom, and the other wasthe head of a large Buddhist sect.The Western master sent anemissary to the Eastern master smonks to establish knowledge of proper protocol. How shouldthey greet one another?

The Eastern monks said theyshould bow respectfully, be silent,gaze on each other s visage, andsee the presence of the Divine ineach other. This seemed proper tothe Pope, so that is how they greet-ed one another when they met.

This kind gazing is calledbenevolent glances, and it is an

ideal practice for silence andmeetings. As death approaches,the practice of silence becomes

more and more necessary.Perhaps it is not a silence that thedying prefer or call forth, but theweakening condition of the bodyand the mind necessitate it.

Communicatingthrough glances

I encourage people to thinkabout communicating throughtheir glances. That is, I urge them

to send love and joy, apprecia-tion and acceptance throughtheir eyes and the warmth of

words about their disease progres-sion and weakness at some pointtheir abilities to do anything elsewill become exhausted. I urgethem to practice this way of com-municating while they are stillstrong, so it is not a surprise or toodifficult to practice when the actualneed arises.

Silent prayer

This is no different withprayer. Prayer is the communica-tion we have with the Most High.As we progress to death, it willalso become limited and re-duced as will all forms of speech and communication.Therefore, it is best to practiceforms of prayer that require noverbal communication and mini-mal use of energy.

Practice will enable us to feelless awkward when the actualneed arises to pray this way all of the time. It will also ensure thatwe are able to perform this form

of prayer in a more refined man-ner. Practice makes perfect.

Losing the ability to communicate

Recently, I spent time with aman named Bob. He had a braintumor and was clearly losing hisability to communicate. Ideaswere clearly presenting them-selves to him interiorly but,he was unable to get them out to

those around him. He was losinghis ability to put words tothoughts ideas feelings and

worked more openly with himthan I have ever worked withany other patient. Bob wantedthings to be all out on the table.His frustration led me to givehim a week-by-week explanationof the limitations he was upagainst. It was clear that weneeded to review alternate formsof communication.

It was more apparent in Bobthan in anyone else we are notour bodies. He and I spoke aboutthis idea and he affirmed,throughout the diminishment of his skills, that he understood hewas more than simply his body.He was more than what he wasable to communicate.

Conclusion

There comes a time in the ill-nesses unto death that we haveno control over what comesnext not that we ever really do.But, we do have control over ourcoping with what comes next.

Silent prayer and ritual gazingare ways of coping with theweakening condition of our bod-ies, minds, emotions, and drives.They are forms of communica-tion that can be applied to all of our relationships, not just the onewe share with the Divine.

The space in us that routineprayer creates can often becomea healing balm in and of itself apeaceful, serene cave of the heart.

Just beginning the daily routineof prayer can flood us withimages of peace compassion

8 Healing MinistryVolume 12, Number 4, Fall 2005

2008 foundation grant - the art of grief part ii

Documents