STATE OF THE ACADEMYIt’s that time of the year again... That bittersweet moment when we see ourselves for who we really

are... We had our monkey, Phil, sort through all that data you sent us through the surveys, and now we present you with the STATE OF THE ACADEMY! Facts don’t lie. But fortune tellers do... So be wary

when dealing with fortune tellers.

10. You fail 100% of the courses you never take.

9. We’ve got youth from every nickel.

8. The graphs on this page are 100% correct.

7. English teachers only read 40% of your essay (Jokes,

they read 30%).

6. Every time the Yorkies sing, an angel gets its wings.

5. 97% of what happens at the Gelb dance stays at the

Gelb dance.

4. 74% of all day students listed GW as their home

address.

3. Only 1 in 20 Andover students can identify Abbot

Cluster on a map.

2. 87% of students read Arts.

1. Features has never told a lie.

Fake Andover Statistics

May 18, 2012 T h e P h i l l i p i a n Features B5

Looky here, at these cool, fancy graphs. Wow, who knew that this many people even answered these sur-veys? To tell you the truth, I answered the opposite of what was true on every question. But I digress, or maybe I don’t. To be honest with you, this is just filler text. Pearson was all like, Hemang, we can’t have this empty space, fill it with fake analysis about these graphs and like relate them. Okay, Pearson. That’s what I’ll do. Jokes. Why would I actu-ally do that. Maybe we have parallel motives, but in gen-eral I’m doing my own thing. Okay I really can’t do much more with this whole com-plaining thing so I think I’m going to go back to ‘pretend analyzing’ (or pranalyzing) these graphs.

Clearly the people who live in North America is around almost half. Considering that I entered completely random

data for everything, I am pret-ty impressed. Another thing that I noticed is that... I don’t know. To be honest, this is starting to sound a lot like my English essays. Meaningless.

Without meaning. Repeti-tive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Words, words, words. Yeah, that’s a reference to Hamlet. Watch the Throne, baby. The lady dothent protest enough,

methinks. I don’t really know what I’ve said... But this is about the end. Thanks.

By Sammy GPhilliPian overlord

This is the state that the Academy is in... What’s the big whoop?

6 Outstanding5 Superior4 Good3 Satisfactory2 Minimum Pass1 Failure0 Serious Failure

Number of Hookups at Gelb Dance

Scuba divers: 23 Holistic Scientists: 47Moose Majors: 58Turtle Backs: 87Little Dogs: Priceless

Data

News Analysis

The Statistical Analysts at Features Present....