Saving Struggling Stepfamilies

Lisa Zeleznikow,

Berwick Family Relationship Centre, Berwick,

Australia

lzeleznikow@berwickfrc.org.au

John Zeleznikow,

Victoria University, Melbourne Australia

John.Zeleznikow@vu.edu.au

What is a stepfamily • A step-family is a partnership with at least one

adult having a child or children from a previous

relationship – either through biology, history or

intentionality.

• It can be informal or formal.

• Adults can live together or apart and children can

live full time, visit or be absent.

• Most of the research on children and step-parenting

has focused upon the relationships between parents

who are no longer co-habiting and their children.

Step-parenting and Family Mediation • Whilst providing advice about step-parenting might not

naturally seem to be part of the family mediation process, relationships between parents and step-parents and with former partners can lead to problems in and the dissolution of new families, with unfortunate consequences for the children of the partnerships.

• Thus at Berwick Family Relationships Centre (BerwickFRC), we believe it is vital to counsel adults (and their new partners) who are entering into relationships which involve either partner having children, on appropriate survival strategies in these newly blended families.

• In Australia, one in 3 marriages is now a remarriage and 1 in 5 children will grow up in a step family.

• 76% of homeless teens come from step and sole parent families.

Preblended Family Counselling • Gonzales (2009) claims that “Becoming a blended family

is like setting off on a long trek into the wilderness. Being prepared is one of the most critical components of such an undertaking. Although knowing a little about what to expect and being armed with as many of the anticipated necessities as possible does not guarantee a successful journey, one can only imagine in what a lack of these things will likely

lead to”.

• We introduce some of his ideas in the workshop:

– Discovery - questionnaires

– Educational- understanding the realities of stepfamilies

– Parental unification- essential conversations re discipline, hopes, fears

– Family unification- family meetings, children's’ voices, chores, rules, grievances

The BerwickFRC Stepfamily Survival

Strategies Course

• At BerwickFRC we only have 2-3 hours to run a workshop on stepfamily survival strategies.

• We have developed a workshop based on a six week course Making step families work conducted by the Drummond Street Family Centre and Howden (2004).

• The major difference between the Berwick FRC and Drummond Street Family Centre offerings is that the Berwick FamilyFRC focuses on how parents need to deal with children’s issues rather than being centred on the parent’s relationship, although of course all relationships in a step family are discussed, but in reference to the children.

What we hope to achieve – Ensure that parents have more awareness of the reality of

stepfamilies and a sense of not being alone, by meeting

others in stepfamilies and sharing experiences.

– Strengthen their relationship as parents in a stepfamily

and focus upon respectful communication where

everyone feels emotionally and physically safe. This is

vital to avoid divisions along biological lines.

– Encourage parents in a blended family to reach

agreement on how they will discipline children in the

blended family

– We stress that conflict is necessary and healthy in

relationships, but that parties should engage in fair rather

than dirty fighting

What we hope to achieve – Have (step) parents acknowledge the impact of the past and the

effect that it has on the children. Step-families are always

constructed after major losses. It is vital for parents to

acknowledge their children’s losses. The parents need to

respectfully consider which of the children’s past traditions should

be maintained and which others can be changed.

– We ask ex-partners to keep discussions civil, respectful or business

like and to be restricted to practical issues about your children.

Children must not be used as messengers or weapons.(All

FDRPs will be aware of this)

– We conclude by discussing parenting roles and providing tips for

step-parents.

– Developing relationships with your stepchildren will inevitably

lead to better relationships within the whole family and especially

your new partner

Tips for step-parents • 1. Step-parenting relationships take time: respect is all you

can expect initially but warmth and love can eventually

develop.

• 2. It is important to develop a strong relationship with your

stepchildren, before you discipline them.

• 3. Seek out opportunities to spend time with your step-

children away from the biological parent.

• 4. Step-parents must never attempt to replace the biological

parent or be in competition with them. Nor should they ever

make any negative comments about the other biological

parent in front of the children.

Biological parents are encouraged to • Create a balance between the needs of their children and

those of their partner;

• Support the step-parent when dealing with your children;

• Develop routines and chores for your children to encourage a feeling of belonging within the stepfamily – no matter the length of time they are with you;

• Avoid being a ‘Disneyland’ parent – spend time with your children engaged in everyday activities.

• Give your children permission to have good relationships with your ex’s new partner – to help alleviate children’s feelings of disloyalty or guilt. This will also allow your children to share more information with you, because they won’t be worried that positive information will upset you.

Case Study 1 • Simon and Karen now have a fully blended

family. Samuel (Karen’s biological child and

the oldest of the five), Sally (Simon’s

biological) child and the three children of their

union Lily, Rose and Louis.

• We recount three incidents of this family

– At the wedding of Simon and Karen

– When Karen was pregnant with Louis

– When Samuel visited his biological father and stepmother

Margaret in Adelaide

Case Study 2 • A father (38) comes to Berwick Family Relationships Centre with his

current partner (26). Together, they have two children (6 and 4).

They live in a detached house and the terminally ill paternal

grandfather lives in a granny flat behind them. They have the father’s

children (11 and 13) from his first relationship living with them 50%

of time. The new partner was not coping with the four children of the

two relationships. The father could not provide more parenting

support as the new family was financially challenged and the father

had to work at two jobs.

• From this case study, we learn that parents only need to

learn one thing from the step-family workshop to have a

huge impact on their blended family.

• The two case studies provide important examples of

following the tips mentioned previously.

Conclusion • Whilst Australian Family Dispute Resolution Centres are

primarily focused upon the resolution of disputes between parents, they also have an educational role to help their clients avoid future disputes.

• As many of their clients have children from new relationships, it is vital to provide step-parenting advice to parents who have required mediation support for the break-down of their previous relationship. This advice can help avoid future relationship breakdown and conflict.

• By meeting others in stepfamilies, the workshop ensures that parents have more awareness of the reality of stepfamilies and a sense of not being alone. It also strengthens the relationship between parents in a blended family.

• This occurs by discussing with (step)-parents respectful communication and conflict resolution techniques.

• Parents are asked to acknowledge the impact of the past and the effect that it has on the children.

• Parenting roles are examined and tips for step-parents provided.

Conclusion • A fundamental principle behind our discussions is that

developing relationships with clients’ stepchildren will

inevitably lead to better relationships within the whole

family and especially between the partners.

• These relationships take time, respect is all one can expect

initially but warmth and love can develop eventually.

• We also advise that step-parents must never attempt to

replace the biological parent. Nor should they make any

negative comments about the other biological parent in front

of the children.

• We hope that parents will be better equipped to continue

their journey, step families can be a nurturing environment

to raise children - step families can work well, given

patience, understanding and time and lots of laughter