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(3) The Power of Peers

Making friends is an important mission for a 5-year-old, as he gradually separates from

the family and broadens his horizons with the larger social circle that kindergarten

brings. At this age, having social relationships is a truly enjoyable eperience. A 5-year-

old will take pride in telling you, !" like him. #e$s my friend.! %ou will also notice a shift in

his commitment away from the family and toward his peers, with whom he will spend

more time than ever before. A child may also start to believe that information he getsfrom his playmates is the indisputable truth, even if it is not.

Friendly Feedback

&ive-year-olds learn a lot about themselves from the feedback they get from friends.

'ther kids$ reactions play a significant role in the development of their self-image. "f his

classmates comment on how well he catches a ball, for instance, he may think he is

athletic. 'r if other kids laugh at his jokes, he may decide he is funny. "n other words, he

will start to develop a more comple idea of who he is from his encounters with peers. "f

his peers accept him, he will feel full of self-worth. "f his peers reject or ridicule him,however, his self-esteem may fall.

A Matter of Choice

At this age, children find their own friends. (hey often pick pals with similar personality,

patterns of play, interests, activities, or hobbies. A parent should not force a friendship if

there is no )chemistry*. As with adults, not every child$s temperament, personality, or

style clicks with every other 5-year-old. +arents should not be overly concerned about

how many friends their child has or whether or not he is popular. ome kids are happy to

spend a lot of time with one best friend other, more sociable, prefer having many goodbuddies. As long as the friends have a positive influence on each other, parents should

stay out of it. "f you want your child to establish good peer relationships, then your job is

simply to protect, observe, and let them flourish.

Positive Peer Pressure

&ive-year-olds will make an effort to share, please their playmates, and resolve conflicts

on their own. "f a child wants to play with his buddy$s skateboard, for instance, he and

his friend will find a way to take turns that they can both accept. +eers can also

encourage, support, and challenge each other to try harder in school, sports, and art. "f

your child$s best friend is a bookworm, his enthusiasm for reading may motivate your

child to get interested in books. imilarly, your child may try to be better at sports if he

wants to be like a friend who is a standout at football.

Not-So-Positive Peer Pressure

hen a child reaches kindergarten, his desire to be accepted by his peers may lead to

dangerous or antisocial behavior. !"f " don$t draw on the desk with my friends, they won$t

like me,! he might think. hile parents cannot choose whom their child picks as friends

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they can point out when peers encourage him to act in a way that is not true to his

nature. (hen, rather than telling him what to do, they should ask him /uestions about

this dilemma to help him find a solution on his own.

+arents should resist the urge to tell their child not to play with a particular peer. Most

children won$t respond well if you tell them not to spend time with someone they

consider a good friend. "nstead, parents should encourage friendships with other kids

whose behavior, values, and interests they approve of. (hey should invite those childrento their home or to accompany their child in play or other activities.

hen the opportunity arises, parents should tell their child in a calm, reasonable tone

what concerns them about his difficult playmates. (hey should focus on specific

behaviors rather than criticizing the child$s character. (hey should not forbid him from

playing with these friends. "nstead, they should let him know what the conse/uences will

be if he engages in their unacceptable behavior. (hat way, they can strengthen their

child$s self-esteem by showing that they trust him to take responsibility for his actions

and make the right decisions.

What to Watch Out for

"f a child has no friends 0particularly if he says he is lonely, feels socially inade/uate, or

has low self-esteem1 it may be cause for concern. A child could have trouble making

friends for a lot of reasons. #e may be shy or overly aggressive, or have a speech

impediment or poor motor skills, which could limit his ability to participate in games.

+arents should try to find out why their child does not have friends in a subtle way. "f he

senses that they are concerned about the situation, he may withdraw or deny that he

has a problem. (hey should calmly ask him /uestions such as2 !Are there children at

school with whom you would like to be friends3! and !Are you worried about what theother kids think of you3!

+arents should observe their child in action with his peers, talk with his teachers, and

then 4 e/uipped with this information 4 sit down with him to chat about any difficulties

he has. (hey should together make a plan that will make it easier for him to find friends

(hey should suggest that he invites someone over with whom he would like to be

friends. 'r point out his strengths 4 his passion for painting, for eample 4 and help

him meet other children with the same interest, such as at an art class.

"f all efforts to help a child are unsuccessful and he continues to have problems making

friends, parents should seek help from his pediatrician or a child psychologist. Although

this can be a difficult and painful process for parents and children alike, once a child

gains the confidence he needs to get along with his peers, he will be able to eperience

the joys of true friendship.

Discussion2

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. hould parents choose their child6s friends3

7. "s it important how many friends a child has3

8. hat should you do if one of his friends has negative influence on your child3

9. #ow can we help a child who has difficulty making friends3

5. :o you know a person who has no friends3