30 rock-hgn with jenna maroney

8/3/2019 30 Rock-HGN With Jenna Maroney

1/34

30 ROCK SPEC SCRIPT

"HGN with Jenna Maroney"WGAw Registration #1362112

by

Izmank

[email protected]


2/34

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. WRITERS ROOM - WEDNESDAY MORNING(LIZ, FRANK)

LIZ enters with a donut in her hand. THE WRITERS are in themiddle of a JELLY BEAN FIGHT.

LIZ

You guys need to try and work once in

a while.

FRANK(as he takes a sticky jellybean off his face and puts

it in his mouth)

Line one is holding for you, Liz.

LIZ

Thats a good start, Frank. Now go

get me a cup of coffee.

FRANK

Take these! They are coffee flavored!

(throws a handful of jellybeans and hits Liz in theface as she enters heroffice)

INT. LIZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(LIZ)

Liz takes line one.

LIZ(into phone)

Hello, this is Liz.

INTERCUT:

EXT. STREET - SAME TIME(MR. HARRIS, LIZ)

MR. HARRIS,(40s, in a nice suit), is on the other side ofthe line, walking down the street.


3/34

MR. HARRIS(into cell phone)

I have a very interesting offer for

you.

LIZ(sighs)

Listen, you guys need to stop calling.

It was just a one time thing when I

ordered those-- Well, you know what

Im talking about, and it was only for

one of the sketches we were doing that

week. Definitely not for personal

use, I dont care what my neighbors

say--

MR. HARRIS

I was told that you talk too much.

LIZ

Excuse me?

MR. HARRIS

What Im offering you is a once in a

life time opportunity: your own show.

LIZ

I do have my own show. Its not what

I would call once in a life time,

its more like once a week, every

Friday, and thank you for watching,

bye--

2.


4/34


5/34

TRACY(composed)

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen.

FRANK

(surprised)

Huh?

TRACY

We have a show in two days. Arent we

supposed to be rehearsing right now?

FRANK

Yeah, but arent you supposed to be

sleeping off the turkey you ate in

your Hummer?

CERIE walks by wearing the tinniest shirt possible and shortshorts as usual.

TRACY(to Frank)

I had a well balanced breakfast this

morning.(to Cerie)

And Im gonna need you to dress more

appropriately. You look like a border

line sexual harassment right now.

Cerie reacts.

PETE

Yes, but in a good way, you know, it

makes you wanna run home and strangle

your wife.

4.


6/34

TRACY

Ill see you all on set in five --

Its time we start acting professional

around here.

Tracy exits the room.

FRANK(shocked by Tracys act)

What the hell is going on?!

END OF TEASER

5.


7/34

ACT ONE

INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO- WEDNESDAY NIGHT(MR. HARRIS, JENNA)

A WOMAN in a black dress enters with a big hat and big

sunglasses on. Camera does not show her face.

C.U. of HER WATCH as she checks the time: 7:00 PM. Mr.Harris waves his hand to her and she goes to his table.

MR. HARRIS

I knew you would come.

She sits and takes off the hat and the glasses. We see whoshe is:

JENNA

(wearing a medium-length,brunette wig; gets straightto the point)

You said Id be the only star of this

show. If that was a lie, Im leaving

right now. My taxi is still waiting

outside, and I just need to pee first.

MR. HARRIS

No lies, just you, just one star...

You must be really tired of dealing

with that dark Tracy-cloud over your

head.

JENNA

I am! The universe is not meant to be

that way. I, the star, should be on

top. So, make sure there are some

black individuals working under me.

6.


8/34

MR. HARRIS

Dont worry. HGN with Jenna Maroney

will be all yours.

JENNA

That sounds awfully similar. What

does HGN stand for?

MR. HARRIS

He is a Girl Now.

JENNA

What?! Am I gonna play a transgender?

MR. HARRIS

I faxed you the script. Did you

bother to read it?(pushes a script to Jenna)

JENNA

I did read it, and I sensed that

something was off, but I thought it

was just my voice.

MR. HARRIS

I know that at TGS with Tracy Jordan

you actors are left to run around like

untrained puppies, pissing all over

the script, reading whatever lines

come to mind, but HGN is a much more

serious show. Youre gonna have to

read the scripts and know your lines.

7.


9/34

JENNA

So I see that you want to potty-train

me and I appreciate that, but--

MR. HARRIS

Yes, we can say that I suppose.

JENNA

...but Im telling you there wasnt

any part in the script indicating that

the leading character MICHELLE used to

be MICHAEL.

MR. HARRIS

Look at the title page. There used to

be a picture of a penis there, then we

erased it, but you still can kind of

see it...(a beat; then with deep-voice)

Can you feel the transformation?

JENNA(looks closer at the titlepage)

Oh, I see it...(a beat)

Im really gonna have to think about

all this. Let me go pee while I do

that.

MR. HARRIS

OK, go. Good girl, thats a good

girl!(as if praising a puppy)

8.


10/34

INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO- LATER(LIZ, JACK)

We see the back of A WOMAN in a black dress exiting theladies room.

CLOSE ON THE WALL-CLOCK: 8:55 PM. She walks through a crowd,back to her table...

LIZ

I really appreciate your offer Mr.

Harris, but I think I need to think

about it a little bit more--(looks around, notices no oneis at the table; to herself)

I guess he didnt mean it the same way

I did, when he said he needed to go.

LIZ (CONTD)(reading the note)

I will call you.

JACK APPEARS behind her.

JACK

Did you get ditched on a date again,

Lemon?

Liz jumps and turns around to face Jack.

LIZ

Oh, no. He says hell call me.(shows the note to Jack,fakes a smile)

9.


11/34

JACK

Lemon, I was saving this as a gift for

your next birthday, but I see that you

need it now more than ever: You are

getting old. You need to start

reacting.

LIZ

Reacting to what?

JACK

To all of the miserable things that

are happening in your life -- before

its too late. You have to take

command of your destiny.

Liz pauses to think for a second, then:

LIZ(looking at the note)

Then, that is exactly what Im going

to do, Jack.

JACK(chuckles, suggestingdisbelief)

Good for you, Lemon. Now if you

excuse me, I have a meeting, Ive

gotta go -- But I will call you,

unlike your date.

Liz reacts. Jack walks away. Liz takes her coat, crosses tothe door. Jack comes back into the scene, looking after Lizto make sure that shes leaving. Then he goes to a table andsits.

10.


12/34

Camera gets closer to Jacks table and we see the sameproducer, Mr. Harris, sitting across from Jack. He pushesthe same script towards Jack.

INT. TGS WITH TRACY JORDANS SET - THURSDAY- DAY(TRACY, PETE, KENNETH, DOT COM, GRIZZ)

All of the writers and actors are on set, except for Liz andJenna.

TRACY

This is unacceptable! Liz and Jenna

are late, and probably havent even

read the script.

PETE

(softly arguing)

Liz kind of wrote it--

TRACY(getting mad)

I will talk to you when you can prove

to me that writing and reading are the

same things; we just named them

differently for the fun of it. Until

then, you can exercise your universal

right to shut up.

Pete reacts and shuts up. KENNETH runs to the set.

KENNETH

Miss Maroney just called, she said,

and I quote: Start without me,

starless without me, let it rain, let

it rain, let it rain, you dark cloud!(sings the italicpart as itwere Let It Snow)

A beat, then:

11.


13/34


14/34

DOT COM(to Pete)

While youre up there, tell Mr.

Donaghy were quitting.

GRIZZ(pointing to Tracy)

Yes, this is not what we signed up

for.

Pete sighs heavily and exits.

INT. JACKS OFFICE - THURSDAY- DAY(JACK, PETE)

A KNOCK on the door.

JACK

Come in.

Pete enters.

JACK (CONTD)(with his back turned againstPete)

Pete?

PETE

Yes?

JACK(turns around to face him)

I sensed that it was you.

PETE

I have a huge problem. Everybodys

acting weird, and Im scared like I

have never been married.

JACK(knowledgeably)

Its called pre-partum depression.

13.


15/34

PETE

I beg your partum?

JACK

With Liz not being around, you are

responsible for the entire show, and

youre nervous like a pregnant woman

who fears she wont dilate enough to

pop it out -- But wait till you meet

the postpartum.

PETE

Its not just Liz. Jenna is missing,

too, and Tracy is acting all normal

like his parents have always been

happily married.

JACK

Thats concerning. I wonder if hes

taking his oral medication all right.

Can he sit without pain complaints?

PETE

I didnt think about that. Ill go

check.

Pete crosses to the door, about to leave.

JACK

Pete, youll be fine. I trust you.

Pete nods and exits as Jack BUZZES JONATHAN.

INT. JONATHANS DESK - SAME TIME(JACK)

14.


16/34

JACK (O.C.)(on intercom)

Jonathan, get me Liz on the phone,

right now!

Pete hears this, walks away, discouraged.

INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - THURSDAY- DAY(KENNETH, LIZ, JENNA)

Kenneth runs into Liz.

KENNETH

Miss Lemon?!

LIZ

Not now, Kenneth. Im in a hurry. I

have a photo shoot.(all smiles)

KENNETH

Mr. Jordan gave me a clear order: Liz

Lemon should be tackled down to the

ground when she is seen; no foul will

be whistled.

LIZ

Kenneth, you know I can take you like

an eight-year old obese girl who

slurps the living life out of her ice

cream.

KENNETH(pleasantly surprised)

You, too, believe that food is a

living organism?(a beat; then determined)

15.

(MORE)


17/34

No, I cannot let my beliefs stop me

from executing my mission.

Elevator door opens. Jenna comes out of it.

KENNETH (CONTD)

Uh-oh! I didnt see that coming. Two

receivers at once.

LIZ(to Kenneth)

Are you also after Jenna?

JENNA

(snotty)

Cant play games guys, Im just here

to pick up some clothes. I have a

photo shoot for my new--(catches herself)

Liz gives her a suspicious look.

LIZ

What kind of photo shoot is that?

JENNA

The kind that you keep to yourself, so

nobody shows up to mess it up for you,

like they did before.

Liz scoffs and goes one way; Jenna scoffs and goes the otherway. Kenneth stands still, shaking, cant decide which oneto go after, his face turns red.

END OF ACT ONE

16.

KENNETH (CONT'D)


18/34

ACT TWO

INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - FRIDAY- DAY(PETE, KENNETH)

Pete crosses to Kenneths desk.

PETE

Kenneth, I hear that you have a good

memory. We need to challenge it.

KENNETH(cheery as usual)

Yes, Mr. Hornberger. I was the

brightest in my class and thats

saying a lot, considering the fact

that two of my classmates have their

own pig farms, which are going

bankrupt as we speak.

PETE(rolls his eyes)

Thats a promising start. OK, Im

sure you noticed that Tracy has been

acting weird in the past couple of

days.

KENNETH

I did. This morning he asked what

tweeter was and when I explained it

to him, he didnt understand that its

only for deaf people to communicate

with one another...(pauses to think, then)

17.

(MORE)


19/34

...or maybe I said only deaf people

wouldnt know what it is -- I dont

remember it exactly, he really

confused me, too.

PETE

Just shut up and listen. I have to

find a way to fix him before tonights

show -- Do you remember anything

unusual when you picked up his

medication?

Kenneth closes his eyes and his flashback starts.

CUT TO:

INT. DRUG STORE - THREE DAYS EARLIER- DAY (FLASHBACK)

We see Kenneth picking up a bottle, putting it in his jacketpocket and leaving the store.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS (FLASHBACK)(KENNETH)

We see Kenneth walking down the street, then he stops,because he sees something shiny on the ground. He bends downto pick it up, one bottle from his left pocket and one fromhis right pocket fall out. He picks up the object first.

KENNETH(excited; to himself)

Wow! A lucky penny!

Then he picks up the bottles and puts them both in his leftpocket.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS(PETE, KENNETH)

PETE(staring at Kenneth,impatient)

18.

KENNETH (CONT'D)

(MORE)


20/34

Come on, Kenneth! Help me dilate

here!

Kenneth opens his eyes.

KENNETH

Im sorry, Mr. Hornberger. It was

just like any other day, only luckier.

PETE(giving up)

Ugh, you are useless.

KENNETH

Have a nice day, sir.(with his usual idioticsmile)

INT. JACKS OFFICE - FRIDAY- DAY(JACK, LIZ)

Liz enters.

JACK(with his back turned againstLiz)

Lemon?

LIZ

Yes?

JACK(turns around to face her)

I smelled that it was you.

LIZ

Did you want to see me, or did you

just want to smell the cool ranch?

19.

PETE (CONT'D)


21/34

JACK

Two things. First: I want you here in

my office Monday morning. We have a

special photo shoot.

LIZ

Oh, really?

JACK

Second: The executives of the company

want me to make a decision as to

whether I stick with--

LIZ

I would definitely switch to democrat,

but its your business, your career--

JACK

...whether I stick with the show.

Should we renew it for two more

seasons or not--

LIZ

Oh, so its about me switching to

republican? Well, if thats what it

takes, I guess I could. Its my

career after all...(a beat to think)

Wait a second, no thanks. Im not

that desperate, everybody has other

options--(catches herself)

Or whatever...

20.


22/34

Jack gives her a suspicious look.

JACK

What other options, Lemon? I thought

we agreed that becoming a trophy wife

is not an option for you for two

reasons: trophy and wife.

LIZ

Jack, of course you will renew the

show, why are you even asking me?

JACK

Im not asking you, Im just sharing a

concern. The ratings of TGS have

been declining so bad that now its

sweeping the floors. I mean it

literally. This morning I saw two of

the TGS dancers sweeping the floors

before the Today show. There are

also more audience members suing the

show than ever.

LIZ

So, what do you want me to do? Keep

Tracy out of the audience?

JACK

Do something special tonight, make me

believe in you again.

Liz acts indifferent.

INT. HGN WITH JENNA MARONEYS SET - FRIDAY NIGHT(JENNA, MR. HARRIS, MAKEUP ARTIST)

21.


23/34

Jenna is in a mans costume, looking frustrated.

JENNA

I thought he was a girl now.

MR. HARRIS

Today is the surgery. We wanted to

show the transformation in the first

sketch.(sighs)

You didnt read the script, did you?

Bad girl, bad girl!

JENNA

I did read it. After this sketch Ill

play the girl, right?

MR. HARRIS

No, well do some flashback scenes

first.

Jenna sighs.

JENNA

We need to hurry up though, or Ill be

late for my last appearance on TGS.

Makeup artist approaches Jenna with black paint in her hand.

MAKEUP ARTIST

Are you ready for your makeup, Ms.

Maroney?

JENNA

I have my makeup on, thank you.

MR. HARRIS

But not enough to look black.

22.


24/34

JENNA

Is Michelle black?!

MR. HARRIS

No... but Michael was.

Jenna reacts.

INT. WRITERS ROOM- FRIDAY NIGHT(PETE, FRANK, LUTZ)

Liz, Jenna, Tracy, Pete and the writers are present. Thereis a pizza box on the table. Liz is sitting on one side ofthe table, Jenna is way down on the other, Frank is sittingin the middle and counting the change from the pizza order.

PETE

(standing)

That was the worst show ever! Whats

wrong with you people?!(to Liz)

You were late and hardly put any

effort into it all week.(to Jenna)

And you. Why did you try and bribe

the editor to enter highlights from

your past shows? Are you dying or

something?

FRANK(sotto to Lutz)

Man, he is really going at it with

them.

LUTZ(sotto to Frank)

Hes getting Brooke Shields onem. My

mom did the same thing after she had

my brother.

23.


25/34

PETE(to Tracy)

And you, Tracy! Thanks to you, well

probably have one more audience member

suing the show.

CUT TO:

INT. TGS WITH TRACY JORDANS AUDIENCE - EARLIER THAT NIGHT(FLASHBACK)(TRACY)

Tracy -- in A SCHOOL-GIRL COSTUME, holding A LUNCH BOX -- isin the face of A WHITE MOTHER who has HER HUSBAND on oneside, and THEIR DAUGHTER on the other. They all lookTERRIFIED!

TRACY(yelling)

Tell me, what kind of message are you

giving your daughter by laughing

during this sketch?! Dont you think

its disrespectful to me as a black

man, and also to MR. OBAMAS YOUNGER

DAUGHTER?!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WRITERS ROOM- CONTINUOUS(PETE, FRANK)

Pete is in Tracys face.

PETE

Thats all I had to say.

He sits down, everybody remains silent. Frank finishescounting the change. He takes off his hat, which says BANKSR US and under that reveals ANOTHER HAT, which says THEONLY STAR.

Liz is staring at the money in his hands, and Jenna isstaring at the second hat and what it says; Frank noticesthem staring, and:

24.


26/34

FRANK

What the hell are you two looking at?

He puts his money in the second hat and places it on top ofthe first one (thats his wallet). With his hands and the

hat out of the way, Jenna and Liz eyes CATCH each other fromthe opposite side of the table. In a single second, theyboth realize what the other one is up to, they gasp and giveeach other I know what youre doing look.

INT. JONATHANS DESK - MONDAY MORNING(KENNETH, LIZ, JENNA)

Liz gets out of the elevator, crosses to Jonathans desk in ahurry. But he is not there, instead:

KENNETH

Good morning, Miss Lemon. How may I

assist you today?

LIZ

Kenneth, what are you doing here?

KENNETH

Covering the phones for Jonathan; he

went to audition for American Idol.

(off Liz look)

I told him that Simon Cowell is

racist, but he wouldnt listen.

LIZ

Well, so is Jack, but he let Jonathan

sing to him every time he fired him.

So, you really never know with

racists. Anyway, I need to see Jack,

its very urgent.

25.


27/34

KENNETH

Im sorry, Ms. Lemon, but Mr. Donaghy

is in a meeting. It should be over

shortly, please seat yourself.

Liz sits down, neither one of them speaks for a few seconds.Liz seems lost in thoughts, then:

LIZ

Kenneth, I wish I were simple and

innocent like you. Do you even know

what greed is?

KENNETH

Greed is an excessive desire to

acquire or possess more than one needs

or deserves, Miss Lemon.(a beat; then sings a partfromPet Shop Boys Its ASin)

Its a, its a, its a, its a sin,

its a sin.(off Liz look)

It all started with relaying Miss

Maroneys musical message to Mr.

Jordan, and now I cant stop it.(looks confused)

LIZ

I am in a sin... triple salary type of

sin.(sighs)

Money ruins everything, Kenneth.

That makes Kenneth stop and think for a beat, then:

26.


28/34

KENNETH

Even if its just a penny?

LIZ

Well... technically, yes. If it

wasnt supposed to be yours...

Kenneth closes his eyes, doesnt say anything.

LIZ (CONTD)(looking at Kenneth)

Thats how you do your flashbacks?

Kenneth opens his eyes.

KENNETH(finally realizes)

Now it all makes sense! I must go

talk to Mr. Hornberg! I know what

happened to Mr. Jordan! I mixed up

his medicine bottle with my vitamin

bottle!(off Liz look; informative)

They are farm made, with a surprise

orange juice center.

LIZ

So, then youve been taking his

medication?

KENNETH

No, of course not. When I saw Mr.

Jordans name on the label, I knew

right away that it wasnt mine, I just

couldnt figure out what happened to

my bottle until now.

27.


29/34

Liz, confused, takes that information in for a second, tryingto figure out how someone could be that stupid.

KENNETH (CONTD)(pointing to Jacks office ashe runs to the elevator)

Please tell Miss Maroney that I

searched the internet and there wasnt

a video of her in a hospital gown

either before or after that surgery

scene she was talking about -- unless,

she has a black sister-mister who

giggles just like her when she-he

hears a compliment.

LIZ(shocked; pointing to Jacksoffice)

Jenna is in--

Jacks door opens at the same time, and Jenna exits,straightening her hair and clothes.

JENNA(sexy; to Jack)

Im so glad we were able to talk

things out--

Liz gasps. Jenna sees Liz and gives her a I did what I hadto do look. Liz hurries up into Jacks office.

INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(JACK, LIZ)

JACK

Jenna told me everything.

He gestures for her to sit and she does.

28.


30/34

LIZ

I know I messed it up big time, Im so

sorry, Jack.

JACK

What are you talking about, Lemon?

You did exactly what I needed you to

do.

LIZ

Huh?

JACK

The executives wanted me to shred some

salary, and they suggested getting rid

of you. I told them you were very

essential to the show, but they

wouldnt listen, so I came up with a

plan.

LIZ

It was you?!(shocked, jaw dropped)

JACK

Welcome to my photo shoot, Lemon!

Jonathan JUMPS from underneath Jacks desk with A CAMERA inhis hands and CLICK!, he takes a close-up of her face.

Then Jack grabs her by the shoulder, with his eyes wide openhe stares right into hers. His flashback starts.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)(JACK, MR. HARRIS)

Jack is at the table with Mr. Harris. He pushes the scriptto Jack as we had seen earlier.

29.


31/34

JACK

Did they buy the penis story?

MR. HARRIS

Of course!

They both CRACK UP.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(LIZ, JACK, JONATHAN)

Jack breaks the intense eye contact and lets go of her.

LIZ

I must admit that Kenneths way was

less creepy.

JACK

And I must thank you for keeping your

clothes on. You wouldnt believe the

amount of clothing Jenna can take off

in a single second when she sees a

camera.

Liz is still shocked and embarrassed.

JACK (CONTD)(to Jonathan)

You can go back to your desk now,

Jonathan.

Jonathan nods and crosses to the door, passing by Liz with asmirk on his face.

LIZ(to Jonathan)

Yeah, you may wanna answer the phones.

Jonathan opens the door and sees that Kenneth is gone.Phones are ringing.

30.


32/34

JONATHAN(squeals; then as he reachesfor the phone; re: Kenneth)

Ugh, Im gonna kill that worthless

penny!

Jack shuts the door.

LIZ

Back to your confession, Jack?

JACK

Simple. I needed you to step back and

let Pete run the show for one week.

And we both know the results, so do

the executives.

LIZ

But everything was so professionally

designed and executed, how did you

even come up with that idea?

JACK

Lemon, dont ever underestimate me. I

can sell used cars to Jews.(pauses to think; then)

And they would probably take them

apart and put the old parts in new

cars.

LIZ

Thats the Jew way of recycling and

protecting the environment I guess.

31.


33/34

JACK

Exactly. Thats why I dont buy new

cars from them. Some may say that Im

racist, but Im really not.

Liz reacts, changes the subject right away:

LIZ

So, my job is safe?

JACK

Well, I still need to decide whether

or not to renew the show for two more

years, but for now: yes.

LIZ

Wait a second, did they want Jenna

out, too?

JACK

No, no. It was something I added.

You know, just for the fun of it and

to make her feel special. I dont

even think the executives know that

shes on the show.

END OF ACT TWO

32.


34/34

TAG

INT. WRITERS ROOM- NEXT DAY(TRACY, DOT COM, GRIZZ)

The writers are present. Tracy enters with Grizz and Dot Com

behind him.

TRACY

Some idiot put this weeks script in

my box. What am I supposed to do with

it?! Wipe my butt... after I shove my

oral medication?!

Throws the script on the table. Cerie walks by, wearing more

conservative clothes than usual.

TRACY (CONTD)(to Cerie)

You need to be more selective with

what you wear. You look like a

grandma... and not in a hot way. Wear

something fleshier tomorrow.

DOT COM(not so enthusiastically toGrizz)

He is back.

GRIZZ

Yeah, we all are.

PAN to TWO FRAMED PICTURES on the wall, hung next to eachother. CLOSE on the first one: SHOCKED-LIZ with her jawdropped. Then we PAN to the next one: HALF-NAKED JENNA,smiling, and the picture is autographed; Love, Jenna.

FADE OUT.

THE END

33.

30 rock-hgn with jenna maroney

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