30097356 the pure and the impure by colette

8/13/2019 30097356 the Pure and the Impure by Colette

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THE PURE AND THE IMPURE

Colette

Translated by

Herma Briffault

Introduced by

Judit Turman

Introduction

Te Pure and te Im!ure is an in"esti#ation into te nature and la$s ofte erotic life% It ta&es te form of a classical dialectic'a series of dialo#ues(inters!ersed $it narrati"e and commentary( bet$een a trut see&er named

)Colette) and a series of informants $om se describes as )restless #ostsunreco"ered from $ounds sustained in te !ast $en tey crased eadlon#or sidelon# a#ainst tat barrier reef( mysterious and incom!reensible( teuman body%)

Tou# Colette drafted te $or& in late middle a#e( and re$rote it adecade later( er )#osts) belon# to te lastfin de sicle,te !eriod of eri# yout( and of er comin# of a#e as a $riter% Tis $as an era of fairlyysterical miso#yny( $en male autorities from te most reactionary to temost a"ant*#arde $ere aunted by te s!ecter of an )emasculatin#) and

)"irili+ed) Ne$ ,oman'a fi#ure $o( $it t$o oter im!ure sub"ersi"es(te Je$ and te omose-ual'treatened to corru!t te old fi-ed cate#oriesof national identity and #ender at a moment $en all &inds of oter sacred)truts) $ere bein# discredited%

Colette $as ne"er a !olitical re"olutionary( and certainly not a feminist(tou# se $ould describe erself !roudly( in er final memoir(The Blue

Lantern,as )an erotic militant%) Her militancy too& te form .in life as in art/


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of a re"olt a#ainst any normati"e standards for desire( and a#ainst allsentimentality in te carnal domain% )Carlotte() te older $oman $omColette encounters in a Parisian o!ium den at te be#innin# ofThe Pure andthe Impure,and $o')eroically() in Colette0s "ie$'fa&es an or#asm forte benefit of er frail youn# lo"er( sums u! te autor0s "ie$ concisely1)I0m de"oted to tat boy( $it all my eart% But $at is te eart( madame2It0s $ort less tan !eo!le tin&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#% It acce!tsanytin#% 4ou #i"e it $ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But te

body% % % Ha5 Tat0s sometin# else( a#ain%)

Probably no one &ne$ more tan Colette about te !redicament of aser"ile eart tat selflessly !um!s life trou# an im!erious body( and seas&s us to readThe Pure and the Impureas er definiti"e $ord on tesub6ect')my !ersonal contribution to te sum total of our &no$led#e of tesenses%) But tat intri#uin# if rater #randiose instruction needs some

!ers!ecti"e%

If Colette0s militancy is limited to te boudoir( se is also one of tefirst modern $riters to su##est tat )male) and )female) are sub6ecti"eassi#nments( and tat a society $ic #rants te !ri"ile#e of )doin#) or)bein# done to) e-clusi"ely to one se- or te oter $ar!s its youn#% A cildof eiter se-( se !ercei"es( as ur#es to !enetrate( de"our( and !ossess7 to

be cerised( dominated( and contained% Te se-ual !redators( sla"es(

casualties( altruists( and im!ersonators $om se describes inThe Pure andthe Impure.and trou#out eroeuvre) a"e been forced to deny orrenounce te forbidden as!ects of temsel"es'$ic are( !ut sim!ly( teirim!ure true feelin#s%

Purity and im!urity $ould a"e been Cristian notions for Colette(es!ecially as tey a!!ly to $omen( but se defiantly inter!rets tem in ero$n !a#an terms% At one !oint( se admits tat se doesn0t understand temeanin# of te $ord )!ure) at all( tou# )in te !ictures it e"o&es( Iconstruct a refu#e for myself%)8But from oter sources( one infers tat

!urity( for Colette( is a !rela!sarian state of armony en6oyed by $ildanimals( flora( birds of !rey( certain socio!ats( and by ordinary umansonly as fetuses% To be !ure means to be unindered by any conscious bondsof need or de!endence( or by any conflict bet$een male and female dri"es%

8 9e #oes on to e-!lain tat tese ima#es of li#tness and trans!arency are te substitutes for )isolated)!laces'cildood( innocence( $oleness'beyond er reac% In te final re"ision of te te-t( tose)isolated) !laces are not 6ust remote( tey a"e become )ima#inary%)


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9ince Colette also belie"es tat tere is no autentic andro#yny in ourfallen $orld( tere can be no $oleness( and for a $oman no autonomy( no

!ersonood'a male !ri"ile#e'$itout an unacce!table erotic sacrifice%)Ho$ to liberate my true o!e2) se as&s in an early no"el% )E"erytin# isa#ainst me% Te first obstacle to my esca!e is tis $oman0s body barrin# my$ay( a "olu!tuous body $it closed eyes( "oluntarily blind( stretced outfull( ready to !eris% % % % I0m se tis $oman( tis brute beast so stubborn iner !leasure%)

The Pure and the Impuretrac&s te course of te forbidden desires$ic #o under#round( to resurface as !er"ersions( and te searc of afra#mented self for anoter( symmetrically fra#mented( to com!lete it%Colette conducts er researc li&e te bold and scru!ulous re!orter se $as.and if se ad ne"er $ritten a $ord of fiction( se $ould still beremembered as one of te #reatest :renc 6ournalists of te century/% 9estru##les admirably $it er o$n biases( discernin# te sadist0s onor( te

!arasite0s "itality( and te !er"ert0s #allantry( alon# $it teir !atos( folly(and delusion% But er conclusions are not eartenin#% )Tis is a sad boo&()se told a friend( )it doesn0t $arm itself at te fire of lo"e( because te flesdoesn0t ceer u! its ardent ser"ants%)

Accordin# to er tird usband( Maurice ;oude&et( Colette be#an$ritin#The Pure and the Impurein July of 8% 9e $as fifty*se"en( e

$as forty*t$o( and tey $ere cruisin# te Nor$e#ian f6ords on a yact a!tlynamed teEros( $ic belon#ed to teir friend Henri de Rotscild% It istem!tin# to ima#ine tat te settin# ad some influence on er $or&in# title1a decadent lo"e boat sailin# trou# icy and !ristine nortern $aters !astcliffs of incorru!tible #randeur% Colette $as e-!eriencin# te !enomenonte 9candina"ians calllyse natter,)$ite ni#ts() for te first time( altou#in :renc te same e-!ression as a different meanin#1 te fe"erisslee!lessness induced by !assion( an-iety( or bot%

By 9e!tember( se $as bac& in :rance( searcin# for a ne$ and less

Cartesian title( and tellin# er friends( ty!ically( tat te boo& $as #oin#"ery badly% Colette0s $or&'nearly ei#ty "olumes in all'in"ariably $ent)"ery badly%) It is a common tou# false im!ression tat se $rote( asHenri de Monterlant !ut it( )as naturally as se breate?d@%) )I0m toilin# li&ean ant() se tells a confidante% 9e also s!ea&s of )"omitin# u!) er last

!a#es( and se finised te te-t se ad by no$ renamedCes Plaisirs. . .(ces plaisirs !u"on nomme, # la l$%re, physi!ues'tese !leasures tat are


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so li#tly called !ysical/ )in ni#ts and days of des!air( as usual%)

But as usual( too( Colette $as a !rodi#ious $or&orse of lym!ian"itality%Ces Plaisirs. . .$as ready by te autumn of 8


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and demands of er $oman0s body%

Ha"in# married t$o incorri#ible !ilanderers in a ro$ 'first ,illy( in8G


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and seducers of bot se-es% Te $ea& e-!eriment $it some form ofdefensi"e self*star"ation1 asceticism( celibacy( anore-ia( but most commonlymasocistic submission% Tis "oluntary !ri"ation feels su!erior to teori#inal un#er of te infant( $ic $as suffered el!lessly%

In 8


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fin#ers%

Ironically( o$e"er( Colette concei"edThe Pure and the Impureat amoment $en( after alf a century of romantic disencantments and

betrayals( se ad found a !artner'a man fifteen years er 6unior'$ose

"irile constancy ad disarmed er mistrust% Maurice ;oude&et en6oyed erbullyin#( but tey made a #ame of it( becomin# accom!lices and !laymatesrater tan "ictim and o!!ressor% Teir bond $asn0t !ure( and it certainly$asn0t e3ual( but te de"otion and te desire $ere bot mutual%

)It is only $en one is better tat one disco"ers one $asn0t "ery $ell()se once told Maurice% And tis #reat ode to em!tiness $as $ritten by a$oman $o felt full%

'Judit Turman

Te Pure and te Im!ure

8

Te Door tat o!ened to me on te to! floor of a ne$ buildin# #a"eaccess to a bi#( #lass*roofed studio( as "ast as a co"ered mar&et% Half$ay u!te i# $all ran a $ide balcony dra!ed $it Cinese embroideries( terater sla!das &ind manufactured in Cina for te e-!ort trade( te desi#nslar#e but rater !retty all te same% A #rand !iano( some flat little Ja!anesemattresses( a !ono#ra!( and !otted a+aleas accounted for te rest% ,it nosur!rise( I soo& ands $it an ac3uaintance( li&e me a no"elist and

6ournalist( and I e-can#ed nods $it my un&no$n osts( $o( tan& ;od(seemed to be as little inclined as I $as for any friendlier e-can#e% uitee-!ectin# to be bored( I settled do$n on te mat allotted to me and $atcedte o!ium smo&e $astefully and slu##isly streamin# u!$ard to collide( asif re#retfully( $it te #lass !anes of te s&yli#t% Its blac&( a!!eti+in#aroma of fres truffles or burnt cocoa besto$ed u!on me !atience( o!timism(and a "a#ue un#er% I decided I li&ed te dull red #lo$ of te saded li#ts(


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te almond*sa!ed $ite flames of te o!ium lam!s( one of tem nearby(te oter t$o flic&erin# li&e $ill*o0*te*$is!s farter on( in a &ind of alco"eunder te balustraded balcony% 9omeone leaned o"er tat balustrade( ayoutful ead cau#t te red ray of te an#in# lanterns( a loose $iteslee"e $a"ered and disa!!eared before I could ma&e out $eter te $itesil& slee"e and te ead of air slic&ed do$n li&e te air of a dro$ned

!erson belon#ed to a $oman or a man%

)4ou0re ere as a si#tseer2) my $riter friend in3uired%

He $as stretced out on is little mattress( and I noticed e ade-can#ed is dinner 6ac&et for an embroidered &imono and $as dis!layin#te affected ease of te o!ium smo&er% My one desire $as to esca!e im( as Ido $it te :renc !eo!le( al$ays a nuisance( tat I meet abroad%

)No() I ans$ered% )n a !rofessional assi#nment%)

He smiled%

)I tou#t as muc% ,ritin# a no"el2)

And I loated im still more for tin&in# me inca!able 'as indeed I$as'of en6oyin# tis lu-ury( tis tran3uil if rater base !leasure( a !leasure

!rom!ted only by a certain &ind of snobbisness( a s!irit of bra"ado( acuriosity more affected tan real% % % I ad brou#t $it me only a $ell*concealed #rief $ic #a"e me no rest and a fri#tful !assi"ity of te senses%

ne of te un&no$n #uests came to life( rose from is couc to offerme a !i!e of o!ium( a !inc of cocaine( or a coc&tail% At eac refusal eraised is and lim!ly in a #esture of disa!!ointment% He finally anded mea bo- of ci#arettes( and $it an En#lis smile said( )Really( can0t I doanytin# for you2)

I tan&ed im( and e too& care not to insist%

After more tan fifteen years( I still remember tat e $as andsomeand a!!arently sane( e-ce!t tat is eyes $ere too $ide o!en bet$een teri#id eyelids !eo!le a"e $o suffer from cronic insomnia%

A youn# $oman( into-icated as far as I could 6ud#e( noticed my!resence and announced from a distance tat se intended to come o"er and#i"e me )a dirty loo&%) 9e re!eated it se"eral times1 )4es( e-actly( a dirtyloo&%) I don0t recall any oter ceerful incident to re!ort% A fe$ serioussmo&ers( only alf "isible in te reddis #loom( made er sut u!% I belie"eone of tem #a"e er some o!ium !ellets to ce$( an act se !erformed


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dutifully( ma&in# a faint suc&in# sound( an animal sound li&e an infant at itsmoter0s breast%

Te o!ium( $ic I do not smo&e( !ermeated tis ordinary room $itits fra#rance( and I $as not at all bored% T$o youn# men $it teir arms

around eac oter aroused te attention of my fello$ 6ournalist( but teymade no disturbance( merely tal&in# ra!idly in lo$ "oices% ne of temcontinually sniffed and $i!ed is eyes $it is slee"e% Te red #loom in$ic $e $ere bated could a"e lulled te stron#est minds% I $as in ano!ium den( but not in one of tose assemblies $ic #i"e te s!ectator arater lastin# dis#ust for $at e sees and for is o$n !artici!ation by bein#tere% I re6oiced at tis and o!ed tat no na&ed dancer of eiter se- $ouldcome to disturb our de"otions( tat tere $as not te least dan#er of anin"asion of alcool*soa&ed Americans( and I e"en o!ed te !ono#ra!$ould fall silent% % %

Just ten a $oman0s "oice $as raised in son#( a furry( s$eet( yet us&y"oice tat ad te 3ualities of a ard and tic&*s&inned "el"ety !eac% ,e$ere all so carmed tat $e too& care not to a!!laud or e"en to murmur our

!raise%

)Is tat you( Carlotte2) as&ed one of my !rone and motionlessnei#bors after a time%

),y of course it0s me%)

)9in# some more( Carlotte% % %))No5) an#rily souted a man0s "oice% )9e didn0t come ere to sin#5)

In te distant red #loom could be eard te indistinct us&y lau#ter of)Carlotte) and te $is!erin# of te same irritated youn# man%

To$ard t$o o0cloc& in te mornin#( $ile a slee!less youn# fello$ $asser"in# us cu!s of "ery fra#rant !ale Cinese tea tat ad te scent of ne$*mo$n ay( a $oman and t$o men entered( brin#in# into te odorous andmur&y air of te studio te cold ni#t air cau#t by teir furs% ne of te

ne$comers as&ed if )Carlotte) $as tere% A teacu! crased at te far end ofte room( and a#ain te youn# man0s an#ry "oice $as eard%

)4es( se0s ere% 9e0s $it me( and it0s nobody0s business% 4ou can 6ustlea"e er alone%)

Te ne$ arri"al $o ad as&ed te 3uestion sru##ed( tre$ off iso"ercoat and dinner 6ac&et as if !re!arin# for a scuffle( but merely !ut on a


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blac& &imono( ten 3uic&ly san& do$n beside one of te o!ium trays andbe#an to smo&e a !i!e( inalin# $it suc disa#reeable a"idity tat one feltli&e offerin# im sand$ices( cold roast "eal( red $ine( ard*boiled e##s(any food no matter $at( more suited to a!!easin# is ra"enous a!!etite%Te $oman in furs $o accom!anied im $ent o"er to te drun&en #irl($om se called )My s$eet() and I ad no time to condemn teir friendsi!for tey $ent to slee! at once( molded to#eter( te i!s of te one in te la!of te oter( li&e t$o s!oons in a sil"er dra$er%

In s!ite of te stuffy $armt of te room( cold air came do$n from tes&yli#t( announcin# te ni#t0s endin#% I $ra!!ed my coat ti#tly about me(de!lorin# te la+iness( induced by te ea"y aroma( $ic( combined $itte late our( still &e!t me from #oin# ome to bed% I could a"e follo$edte e-am!le of te sensible !eo!le lyin# tere( could a"e stretced out $ittem and sle!t $itout fear( but altou# I can confidently slee! on a terraceor a bed of !ine needles( any sut*in and unfamiliar !lace ma&es me uneasy%

Te narro$ staircase of !olised $ood crea&ed under some footste!s($ic ten sounded on te balcony abo"e me( $ere could be eard terustlin# of sil&( te li#t im!act of !illo$s tro$n u!on te ecoin#floorboards( and silence closed in a#ain% But from te de!ts of tis "erysilence a sound im!erce!tibly be#an in a $oman0s troat( at first us&y( tenclear( assertin# its firmness and am!litude as it $as re!eated( becomin# clearand full li&e te notes te ni#tin#ale re!eats and accumulates until tey

!our out in a flood of ar!e##ios% % % U! tere on te balcony a $oman $astryin# ard to delay er !leasure and in doin# so $as urryin# it to$ard itsclima- and destruction( in a rytm at first so calm and armonious( somar&ed tat I in"oluntarily beat time $it my ead( for its cadence $as as

!erfect as its melody%

My un&no$n nei#bor alf sat u! and muttered to imself( )Tat0sCarlotte%)

Neiter one of te t$o slee!in# $omen $o&e u!7 nor did te snufflin#youn# men( indistinctly "isible( lau# aloud or a!!laud te "oice tat bro&e

on a subdued sob% n te balcony abo"e( te si#in# left off% And te 3uietones do$n belo$ all felt te cill of te $inter da$n% I u##ed my furredcoat about me( and a man lyin# nearby !ulled u! a corner of embroideredclot o"er is soulder and sut is eyes% At te far end of te room( near asil&en lantern( te t$o slee!in# $omen dre$ still closer to eac oter$itout $a&in# u!( and te small flames of te oil lam!s flic&ered under tedo$ndraft of cold air from te s&yli#t%


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9tiff and acin# from my !rolon#ed immobility( I stood u! andsur"eyed te !rostrate forms on te mattresses( mentally calculatin# o$many I $ould a"e to ste! o"er on my $ay out% At tat moment te balconystairs crea&ed a#ain% A $oman in a dar& coat ad come do$n and $as on er$ay to te door% 9e sto!!ed before reacin# it( buttoned er #lo"es(carefully !ulled er "eil do$n to er cin( o!ened er andba#( 6in#led some&eys%

)I0m al$ays afraid% % %) se murmured%

9e $as tal&in# to erself( but $en se sa$ tat I $as #oin# out( sesmiled at me%

)4ou0re lea"in#( too( madame2 Ten follo$ me( if you $ant to a"eli#t in te stairs'I &no$ $ere te time s$itc is%)

In te stair$ay( $ere er and brou#t fort an unflatterin# li#t( Icould see er more distinctly% 9e $as neiter tall nor sort( $as rater!lum! and resembled te fa"orite models of Renoir'te same full face andsort nose( recallin# te belles of 8GK( and tis so stron#ly tat in s!ite ofer smart oli"e*#reen coat $it fo- collar and te small at currentlyfasionable( se someo$ loo&ed out of date% Probably forty*fi"e years old(se still ad a youtful fresness( and er eyes tat loo&ed u! at me in tecur"es of te stair$ay $ere lar#e and #entle and #ray( #ray*#reen li&e ercoat%

It $as still dar& outside( and te cool ni#t air re"i"ed me% Te desiretat is a daily occurrence $it me on clear mornin#s to esca!e to$ard fieldsand forests( or at least to$ard te nearby Bois de Boulo#ne( made meesitate $en $e reaced te !a"ement%

)4ou don0t a"e a car2) said my com!anion% )Neiter do I% But at tisour tere are al$ays cars to be ad in tis nei#borood%)

As se s!o&e( a ta-i a!!eared( comin# from te Bois% It slo$ed do$nand sto!!ed% 9e stood aside%

)Do ta&e it( madame() se said%),y( not at all5 Fet me in"ite you% % %)

)Not to be tou#t of5 r allo$ me to ta&e you ome% % %)

9e cec&ed erself( ma&in# a #esture of e-cuse tat I easilyunderstood and !rotested%


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)4ou0re not bein# at all indiscreet() I said% )I li"e not far a$ay( on teouter boule"ard% % %)

,e #ot in% Te ta-i turned around% Te faint li#t of te meter no$ litu!( from time to time( te face of te $oman( $o $as un&no$n to me

e-ce!t for er first name( true or false( )Carlotte%)9e stifled a ya$n( and si#ed%

)I0m not yet myself( and I li"e a$ay out near te Fion de Belfort% % %And I0m e-austed% % %)

In s!ite of myself I must a"e smiled( for se loo&ed at me $itoutembarrassment and s!o&e $it carmin# sim!licity%

) yes( I &no$( you0re lau#in# at me( I can see $at you0re tin&in#%)

,at seduction $as in er "oice( o$ deli#tful te $ay it ras!ed outcertain syllables and te sua"e and defeated $ay it ad of lettin# te ends of!rases fall into te lo$er re#ister% % % Te $indo$ $as o!en at te ri#t ofCarlotte and te bree+e $afted to$ard me er rater ordinary !erfumealon# $it a bris& natural odor of ealty fles( !leasant e-ce!t for te smellof stale tobacco%

)It0s really too bad() se be#an( as if at random% )Tat !oor boy% % %)

),at !oor boy2) I as&ed( submissi"ely%

)4ou didn0t see im2 No( you couldn0t a"e seen im% % % But you adarri"ed $en e leaned o"er te balustrade of te balcony% He0s te one inte $ite &imono%)

)And fair*aired2)

)Tat0s ri#t() se e-claimed softly% )Tat describes im% He $orriesme a #reat deal() se added%

I !ermitted myself tat smile of arc understandin# tat so ill becomesme%

)And merely $orries you2)9e sru##ed%

)Belie"e $at you li&e%)

)Tat youn# man $as te one $o made you sto! sin#in#( $asn0t e2)

)4es% It ma&es im 6ealous% Not tat I a"e a fine "oice( but I sin#


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$ell%)

)I $as on te !oint of sayin# 6ust te contrary( belie"e it or not% 4oua"e a "oice% % %)

A#ain se sru##ed%

)As you li&e% 9ome !eo!le say one tin#( some say anoter% 9all Ia"e te ta-i sto! 6ust sort of your door2)

I #ras!ed te arm se ad raised%

)By no means% Please%)

9e a!!eared to be a little u!set o"er er uncalled*for discretion andmade sift to as& a 3uestion tat dis#uised a confidential !iece ofinformation%

)It isn0t "ery armful( is it( for a youn# man $it $ea& lun#s to ta&e alittle o!ium from time to time2)

)No( not too armful% % %) I ans$ered doubtfully%

A ea"y si# lifted er i# and rounded bosom a little i#er%

)He0s a #reat $orry() se re!eated% )But don0t you a#ree tat $en e0sbeen #ood for a fortni#t( ta&en is !ills( eaten is red meat( sle!t as esould $it is $indo$s $ide o!en( e deser"es a recom!ense no$ andten2)

9e lau#ed softly( a us&y but musical lau#ter%

)He calls tat an or#y( 6ust ima#ine% He0s !roud% % % ( madame() see-claimed( )te dustmen are at your door% Do you mind teir seein# youarri"e2 No2 Ho$ nice5 :reedom is a $onderful tin#% But as for me% % % I0mnot free%)

9e fell silent( absently eld out er and( and #a"e me te faint littleinnocent smile of er lar#e eyes( clouded $it #reen li&e te !ools te sealea"es at ebb tide%


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I did not see Carlotte a#ain for some time% Nor did I loo& for er( atleast not in te !laces $ere I ima#ined I mi#t find er( for e-am!le( acurc $eddin# on te Feft Ban&( or a"in# tea in an ancient a!artment( in

te bosom of tose families tat ri#idly !reser"e teir !ro"incial $ays inParis% I ima#ined tat er !resence at a small e-a#onal table cro$ned $its$eet biscuits $ould a"e seemed 3uite natural to me% 9eated in er oli"e*#reen coat( er small at tilted o"er er eyes( te sort "eil raised li&e aslatted blind on er nose( te cu! of insi!id tea eld in t$o fin#ers( I sa$ er(I in"ented er( I eard er accent of modesty and trut s&illfully con"incin#te cross*#rained old ostesses1 )As for me( you &no$( te $ay I see it% % %)

I did not loo& for er( because I $as afraid of dis!ellin# te mystery $eattac to !eo!le $om $e &no$ only casually% But I $as not sur!rised to

find er standin# in front of me one day $en I $as sellin# boo&s for tebenefit of some carity or oter% 9e bou#t a "olume( smilin# at me in temost discreet $ay% I as&ed er( $it an ea#erness tat seemed to astound er1)9all I dedicate te boo&( madame2)

)( yes( madame% % % If it isn0t as&in# too muc%)

)Not at all( madame% % % To $at name2)

),y( sim!ly !ut 0To Madame Carlotte% % %0)

To all tis re!etition of )madame) tat $e ceremoniously e-can#ed(

Carlotte added a cuc&le tat I reco#ni+ed( a subdued lau#ter( as #entleand !oi#nant as te lan#ua#e of te little nocturnal barn o$l( tat rin#do"eof dar&ness% % %

And I !ut a maladroit 3uestion%

)4ou0re all alone2)

)I ne"er #o out e-ce!t alone() re!lied Carlotte% ),e a"en0t seen youa#ain tere% % %) 9e s!o&e in a alf $is!er( leafin# trou# te "olume sead 6ust !urcased%Theyare al$ays tere 9unday e"enin#s% % %)

I acce!ted tis indirect in"itation for te !leasure of seein# Carlottea#ain% Te !leasure turned out to be #reater tan e-!ected( for I found eralone in te studio o!ium den( $ic $as as accessible and inos!itable as arail$ay station% No irritable youn# man $atced o"er er in te de!ts of tered sado$s amassed under te balcony% Bare*eaded( "ery neat( andloo&in# rater !lum! in er blac& dress( se ad not donned te ritual


15/105

&imono% 9e $as drin&in# mate and offered me some in a ollo$ed*outblac& and yello$ #ourd tat ad te min#led odor of tea and flo$erin#meado$s%

)4ou can use tis bombilla( I0"e 6ust scalded it() se said( andin# me

te s!atulate reed tube% )Are you comfortable2 ,ant a cusion at your bac&2Just see o$ 3uiet $e are toni#t% None of tose $omen% % % 4ou as& $o aretose men at te far end of te room2 En#lismen( "ery !ro!er !eo!le $ocome ere only to smo&e o!ium%)

Her tran3uil &indness( er muffled "oice( and te e-!ression in er#ray*#reen eyes $ould a"e o!ened te ardest eart% Her !lum! arms( teelo3uent and ladyli&e de-terity of er e"ery #esture'$at snares for teyoun# and irascible lo"er5

)I see you0re alone( Madame Carlotte2)

9e assented $it a nod( serenely%

)I0m ta&in# a rest() se said sim!ly% )4ou0ll say tat I could rest atome% But one doesn0t rest $ell at ome%)

9e let er assured and &indly #a+e $ander( and inaled dee!ly teodor of te o!ium( $ic I myself $as en6oyin# as only tose $o do notsmo&e can en6oy it%

),ose !lace is tis2) I as&ed%

)To tell te trut( I don0t &no$() said Carlotte% )I first eard about tis!lace from some !ainters% Do you really $ant to &no$2)

)Not really%)

)As a matter of fact( your 3uestion sur!rised me% % % It0s so !leasant notto &no$ $ere one is% % %)

9e smiled at me confidin#ly% To !ut er still more at ease( I could a"e$ised tat se did not &no$ my name%

)4our youn# friend isn0t ill( I o!e2)

)No( tan& #oodness% He0s $it is !arents( in te country% I e-!ect imbac& in a $ee&%)

Her face dar&ened a little( and er eyes #a+ed into te reddis( smo&e*filled #loom of te studio%

)Ho$ tiresome() se si#ed( )o$ tiresome a man can be tat one


16/105

lo"es5 I don0t muc en6oy tellin# lies%)

),at do you mean2 ,y sould you tell lies2 Don0t you lo"e im2)

)f course I lo"e im%)

),ell( ten% % %)9e turned u!on me a ma#nificent stare of contem!t( at once miti#ated

by $at se ten said( !olitely%

)9u!!ose $e say I don0t &no$ anytin# about it%)

But I recalled te romantic re$ard se ad #ranted te youn# lo"er( tealmost !ublic dis!lay of !leasure se ad made in tat ni#tin#ale lament(tose full notes reiterated a#ain and a#ain( !reci!itated until teir tremblin#e3uilibrium bro&e in a clima- of torrential sobbin#% % % No doubt tis eld

Carlotte0s secret !re"arication( a melodious and merciful lie% I consideredte youn# lo"er0s a!!iness $as #reat $en measured by te !erfect du!eryof te $oman $o tus subtly contri"ed to #i"e a $ea& and sensiti"e boy te"ery i#est conce!t of imself tat a man can a"e% % %

Tis substantial Carlotte $as a female #enius( indul#in# in tendersubterfu#e( consideration( and self*denial% And ere se $as( tis $oman$o &ne$ o$ to reassure men( sittin# beside me( limbs rela-ed( idly$aitin# to ta&e u! a#ain te duty of te one $o lo"es best1 te dailyim!osture( te deferential lie( te !assionately maintained du!ery( te

unreco#ni+ed feat of "alor tat e-!ects no re$ard% % % ur concealed identityand accidental !ro-imity( te surroundin# atmos!ere of so*calleddebaucery $ere alone $at ad loosened te ton#ue of tis eroine $osesilence in no $ay embarrassed me( tis stran#er to $om I told notin#( astou# I ad finised tellin# er all I ad to tell% % % Her !resence lured otere!emera from te de!ts of my memory( !antoms I seem al$ays to belosin# and findin# a#ain( restless #osts unreco"ered from $ounds sustainedin te !ast $en tey crased eadlon# or sidelon# a#ainst tat barrier reef(mysterious and incom!reensible( te uman body% % % Tey reco#ni+edCarlotte( for tey ad( li&e er( not tal&ed e-ce!t in safety( tat is( to

stran#ers( in te !resence of stran#ers% A cons!iratorial ear( 3uite often mine(ad been $itin reac( and tey ad dro!!ed into it teir name( to be#in $it

'an assumed name( but freely assumed'ten( !ell*mell( e"erytin# tatburdened tem1 te fles( al$ays te fles( te mysteries and betrayals andfrustrations and sur!rises of te fles% It $as al$ays a lo$( ra!id(monotonous $is!erin#( issuin# from an in"isible mout smellin# of $ine(of fe"er( of o!ium'or else te sedate tone of a na&ed lady( !retentiously


17/105

di#nified'or te bitter re"indications of one of tose $omen $o tin&men o$e tem sometin#( and $om Hlne Picard $ould call a )MadameHo$*many*times)'all tese confidences containin# some seeds of trut(

bobbin# about on te surface of a ric de!osit of unfermented and unfiltered$ine% And I reflected( )In a fe$ minutes( 6ust a fe$ more minutes of a#itatedcon"ersation( I sall learn from Carlotte $at se ides from er sy youn#lo"er%)

In tis I $as mista&en% I sould a"e reco#ni+ed in Carlotte a creature$eary enou# to sit do$n and rest on any milestone( but stron# enou# tostart off a#ain unaided% % % 9e smo&ed some ci#arettes( !oured $ater from asmall &ettle o"er some fres mate( called out to an in"isible !erson as&in#$at time it $as( and #a"e me a fe$ !ieces of information tat seconsidered useful%

)I myself brin# te mate ere() se said% )Te electric &ettle is mine%But 0tey0 $ill !ro"ide you $it anytin# you $ant( sand$ices( tea(biscuits% In $ic case( you sli! fifty francs to te concier#e do$nstairs% % %Don0t be u!set( madame% Te last time you came( you only dran& a cu! oftea and smo&ed one or t$o ci#arettes( so you a"en0t muc on yourconscience% % % And I o!e you0ll not offend me by offerin# to !ay me for tatcu! of mate% ;ood( isn0t it2 A li#t tonic and not ener"atin#% % % :or tose$o smo&e o!ium( tere0s anoter arran#ement1 te fi"e !i!es my boysmo&es e"ery time e comes ere( for instance( are car#ed to a se!arateaccount%)

A re#ulation as clear as tis in $at must be called debaucery $ouldno doubt a"e distressed anyone else( but I $as !leased $it e"erytin# inCarlotte% A $oman !ast er !rime as a do+en $ays( all unacce!table( ofdesi#natin# )te little s!ouse() )te bad cild() te )s$eet sin() te )little#irl)% % % Carlotte said )my boy() addin# to er ambi#uous maternity afortri#t( autoritati"e( no*nonsense accent% I $as o!in# tat se $ouldnot turn out to be a "ersion of tose nuns( tose nuisances $e run into ate"ery turn% By )nuns) I mean tose !redestined $omen $o si# bet$eente seets( but $it resi#nation( secretly en6oyin# abne#ation( needle$or&(ouse$or&( and s&y*blue satin beds!reads( for lac& of any oter altar toadorn $it te "ir#inal color% % % Tey ta&e fanatical care of teir man0sclotin#( es!ecially of is trousers( tat bifid and mysterious #arment% :romtis tey sin& into te $orst !er"ersion( $ic is to o!e and !ray for teirman to fall ill so tey can andle dirty basins and clammy ra#s% % % I assuredmyself tat Carlotte0s conduct $as in anoter cate#ory of bea"ior% Her


18/105

comfortable indolence ele"ated er in my esteem1 so fe$ $omen &no$ o$($it em!ty ands( to remain motionless and serene% I obser"ed er feet andands( rela-ed and droo!in#( re"elatory si#ns of $isdom and self*control% % %

)Ho$ $ell you seem to &no$ o$ to $ait( Madame Carlotte5)

Her lar#e ro"in# eyes( te !u!ils dilated by te dar&ness( turned bac&to$ard me%

)4es( tat0s so( 3uite $ell% But no$( as retired doctors say( I no lon#er!ractice%)

)ne al$ays $aits% And you said 6ust no$( 0I e-!ect im bac& in a$ee&% % %)0

)5 4es% % %)

9e $a"ed er and as if $a"in# to someone !assin# in te distance(ten a#ain turned to$ard me%

)It0s true( I am $aitin# for im% But I e-!ect notin# of im% Tere0s asade of difference% % % I $onder if you understand $at I mean%)

)I belie"e I do%)

)It $ould be too $onderful( te lo"e of suc a youn# man( if only Ididn0t a"e to !retend% % %)

9e si#ed( lau#ed( er !leasant round face $earin# an e-!ression tat

Renoir $ould a"e cerised%)Isn0t it funny() se said( )tat in suc a cou!le it0s te older one'e0s

only t$enty*t$o'$o a!!ens to be obli#ed to lie2 I0m de"oted to tat boy($it all my eart% But $at is te eart( madame2 It0s $ort less tan !eo!letin&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#( it acce!ts anytin#% 4ou #i"e it $ate"eryou a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But te body% % % Ha5 Tat0s sometin# elsea#ain5 It as a culti"ated taste( as tey say( it &no$s $at it $ants% A eartdoesn0t coose( and one al$ays ends u! by lo"in#% I0m te li"in# !roof%)

9e slid do$n $earily on te 3uilted mattress and rested te bac& ofer nec& on a cold little cusion of $ite $o"en stra$% Fyin# tus( se couldfollo$ te !lay of li#t and sade cast on te reddis ceilin# by te flame ofa small unused o!ium lam!( no$ 6oinin#( ten dis6oinin# t$o !ale rin#s(frin#ed and faintly #olden% As I did not re!ly( se a#ain turned to loo& at me($itout raisin# er ead%

)I don0t su!!ose you understand me% % %)


19/105

)But I 3uite understand you() I assured er !rom!tly( addin# $itin"oluntary $armt( )ery li&ely( Madame Carlotte( I understand you

better tan anyone in te $orld%)

Te smilin# loo& in er eyes $as my recom!ense%

)Tat0s far from triflin#( $at you0"e 6ust said% Ho$ nice tat $e &no$eac oter so little5 ,e can tal& about tin#s one doesn0t tal& about $itfriends% :riends( $omen friends( if suc a tin# e-ists( ne"er dare to confessto eac oter $at tey really and truly lac&% % %)

)Madame Carlotte( do you e"er try to find te tin# you 0really andtruly0 lac&2)

9e smiled( er ead tro$n bac&( so$in# in te confused li#t teunderside of er sort( !retty nose( er rater full cin( te faultless arc of

er teet%)I0m not tat sim!le*minded( madame( nor tat sameless% ,at I lac&

'I sim!ly do $itout% No( no( don0t !raise me for it% % % But $en one &no$ssometin# really $ell( a"in# once !ossessed it( ten one is ne"ercom!letely de!ri"ed% Pera!s tat accounts for my boy0s #reat 6ealousy% Tryas I $ill'and you a"e eard me and &no$ I0m not un#ifted'my !oor boy($o as intuition( flies into senseless ra#es and sa&es me as if e $eredetermined to brea& me to !ieces% % % It0s lau#able() se said% And in fact selau#ed%

)And% % % te tin# you lac&% % % is it really beyond reac2))Probably not() se said au#tily% )But I0d be more asamed of te

trut tan of te lie% Just ima#ine( madame% % % if I $ere to let myself #o li&ea fool and not e"en &no$ $at I $as doin# or sayin#% % % 5 I can0t bear teidea5)

9e must e"en a"e blused( for er face seemed to dar&en% In a#itationse turned er ead from side to side on te $ite cusion( er li!s !arted(li&e a $oman treatened by a !aro-ysm of !leasure% T$o !oints of red li#t

attaced temsel"es to te bac&*and*fort mo"ement of er bi#( #listenin##ray eyes( and it $as not ard to ima#ine tat( $ere se to sto! lyin#(Carlotte merely ris&ed becomin# more beautiful% % % I told er so( tactfully(and only succeeded in renderin# er rater cool and circums!ect( as se ad

been in te ta-i% ;radually se controlled er emotions and sut erself offfrom me% ,it a fe$ $ords se barred me from te domain tat se seemedso arro#antly to des!ise and $ic bears a red and "isceral name1 te eart%


20/105

9e also barred me from te ca"ern of odors( of colors( te secret refu#e$ere surely frolic&ed a !o$erful arabes3ue of fles( a ci!er of limbsent$ined( symbolic mono#ram of te Ine-orable% % % In tat $ord Ine-orable(I #ater to#eter te seaf of !o$ers to $ic $e a"e been unable to #i"e a

better name tan )te senses%) Te senses2 ,y notthesense2 Tat $ouldoffend no one and $ould suffice%The sense,dominatin# te fi"e inferiorsenses( for let tem "enture far from it and tey $ill be called bac& $it a

6er&'li&e tose delicate and stin#in# ribbons( !art $eed( !art arm( dele#atedby a dee!*sea creature to O

intractable( lordly senses( as intractable and i#norant as te !rinces ofby#one days $o learned only $at $as indis!ensable1 to dissimulate( toate( to command5 4et it is you tat Carlotte eld in cec&( couced

beneat te 3uiet ni#t sooted by o!ium( assi#nin# arbitrary limits to yourem!ire% % % but is tere anyone( not e"en e-ce!tin# Carlotte( $o can fi-your unstable frontiers2

I flattered myself tat Carlotte( $o sou#t my a!!ro"al( mi#t alsotry to enlist my sym!aty% But notin# of te sort a!!ened% At te a!!roacof da$n se !unctiliously returned to banalities by $ay of t$o or treerater carmin# common!laces( suc as )Te only really masterful sound aman ma&es in a ouse is $en( on te entrance landin#( e fumbles $it is&ey in te loc& of te door% % %) ,en se stood u! to #o( I remained lyin# onmy little mattress( !retendin# to slee!% 9e fastened er coat collarunurriedly and carefully at er round troat( te refu#e of tat dece!ti"e$arblin#( and te red s!ar&s left er lar#e eyes as se !ulled do$n a fine "eilo"er er face before #oin# out%

Ho$ many sado$s still conceal er% % % It is not for me to dis!el tem%,en I tin& of Carlotte( I embar& u!on a driftin# sou"enir of ni#ts#raced neiter by slee! nor by certitude% Te "eiled face of a $oman(refined( disillusioned( is a suitable !reface to tis boo& $ic $ill treat sadlyof sensual !leasure%

=


21/105

I ne"er ad to #o out of my $ay to be let in on masculine secrets% Tea"era#e man o"erflo$s $it confidential tal& $en e is $it a $oman$ose fri#idity or so!istication sets is mind at rest% And it stri&es me tatat a time of life $en a $oman $ill #o on and on e-ultin#( misty*eyed $itendurin# #ratitude( o"er te rices tat a"e sli!!ed trou# er fin#ers(o"er te cruelty( te infamy( te arro#ance of te donor( a man at te samea#e $ill nurse a rancor tat time does not eal%

My friend L( a celebrity( ne"er lea"es off is #ood umor and naturalreser"e e-ce!t $en callin# to mind( in intimate con"ersation $it me( is

!ast as a celebrated lo"er% )( te bitces5) e e-claimed one e"enin#% )I$as ne"er s!ared a sin#le embrace by any of tem%) .He did not say)embrace() but used a blunter term tat refers to te terrible !aro-ysm ofmale se-ual satisfaction%/

Rarely a"e I encountered in a $oman te &ind of ostility $it $ica man re#ards te mistresses $o a"e e-!loited im se-ually% Te $oman(on te contrary( &no$s erself to be an almost ine-austible store of !lentyfor te man% % % Am I( ten( #oin# to find myself( in te first !a#es of a boo&(declarin# tat men are of less use to $omen tan $omen are to men2 ,esall see%

But let me return to te famous lo"er I a"e 6ust 3uoted% Fi&e most menca!able of ser"icin# .if I may !ut it tat $ay/ a #reat many $omen(

!ossession( $ic is li#tnin# 3uic&( !ro"o&ed in im a $retced feelin# of

o!elessness'te neurastenia of te Danads% If I understood im ri#tly(e could a"e $ised to find at lon# last a $oman $o $ould lo"e imenou# to refuse erself to im% But it is ard for a $oman to refuse erself%And besides( at te moment $en our con3ueror #lim!sed te "eritable

!ur!ose of lo"e and te !ure and burnin# s!ace tat unites( better tan tebonds of fles( t$o !erfect lo"ers( e $as sei+ed by desire so stron#ly tate flun# te ob6ect of is lo"e to te floor and !ossessed er on te s!ot%

)A( $at a life5) e sometimes si#ed%

I a"e al$ays #reatly a!!reciated is confidin# in me and I o!e our

confidential tal&s are not ended% As a rule( $e coose for our rende+"ous a3uiet( !ri"ate dinin# room in a first*class restaurant in te center of to$n( te

buildin# an ancient one $it tic& $alls tat do not "ibrate% ,e dine li&e#ourmands( after $ic my friend L !aces u! and do$n( smo&es( and tal&s%ccasionally e raises te ball*frin#ed curtain and loo&s out% n te oterside of te #lass a!!ears a stri! of Paris( animated and silent( callin# to minda s$arm of fireflies on a la&e of as!alt( and I am en"elo!ed in te facile


22/105

illusion of dan#er lur&in# in te ni#t outside( of safety $itin te old $alls$arm $it secrets% Tat feelin# of security increases as I listen to te man$o is tal&in#( for mine is te "ery uman !leasure of $itnessin#catastro!es% I am fond of tis man( $o from time to time re"eals imselfto me( but I am also "ery fond of seein# im denuded and ste$in# in is

boilin# caldron7 besides( e refrains from callin# out for el!%

,it te !assin# years( e so$s si#ns of te neurosis tat disonorste "olu!tuary1 te obsession $it statistics1 )Tere0s no ar#uin# te fact()says e( )my a"era#e is lo$er% But after all( no one could care less tan Ido%) And ten e ra#es once more a#ainst )tose little bitces tat &ee! scoreon a man%) I tal& to im( ten( about Don Juan and tell im I0m sur!rised tate as not yet $ritten a Don Juan no"el or !lay( and e #i"es me acom!assionate loo&( sru#s( and caritably informs me tat )!eriod !lays)are as out of fasion as ca!e*and*s$ord romances% And suddenly e e-!oseste cild idden in te eart of e"ery !rofessional $riter( a cild obstinatelyinfatuated $it tecni3ue( flauntin# te tric&s and $iles of is trade% His

!retended cynicism mar"elously re6u"enates im( and I let im run on%

nce I confessed to im tat I $as tin&in# of $ritin# a !lay on tesub6ect of Don Juan #ro$n old( a !art desi#ned for te a#in# actor douardde Ma-%

)Don0t do it( my dear() e ur#ently ad"ised%

),y not2)

)4ou aren0t sufficiently Parisian% 4our conce!t of Don Juan( my dear'$y( I can 6ust see it% ,at $ould it add to te oter conce!ts of Don Juan2A !leasant acrimony( a #reat so$ of #ra"ity on licentious sub6ects( and toend u! $it( you0d find some $ay or oter of insertin# a das of rustic

!oetics% % % Don Juan is a ac&neyed ty!e( but no one as e"er understoodim at all% :undamentally( Don Juan% % %)

At tis !oint( of course( my famous collea#ue e-!ounded is o$nconce!t of Don Juan( $o( to ear im tal&( $as a serious*minded tem!ter( a

&ind of di!lomat of anne-ation( $o seduced a $oman tactfully and $assoon bored%

)Don Juan( belie"e me( my dear( $as anoter one of tose men $otin& only of ta&in#( anoter one of tose #ras!in# men $ose $ay of #i"in#is no better tan $at tey #i"e% f course( I0m s!ea&in# from te"olu!tuary0s !oint of "ie$%)


23/105

)f course%)

),y 0of course02)

)Because $en you tal& about Don Juan you ne"er tal& about lo"e% Tebusiness of numbers #ets in your $ay% Tat0s not your fault( but% % %)

He #a"e me a sar! loo&%

)% % % but suc is your tendency%)

Te our $as late and te cold of a streamin# $et ni#t see!ed bet$eente curtains( $ic $ere fastened to#eter $it a safety !in% ter$ise( I$ould a"e tal&ed to my friend about my o$n conce!t of Don Juan% But L$as already #loomy at te tou#t of te ne-t day( $orryin# about is $or&and is !leasures( es!ecially te latter( because tere comes a time in life$en one feels on safer #round alone tan $en tryin# to find !leasures $it

anoter%

Te rain ad sto!!ed $en $e !arted( and I announced tat I $anted to#o ome alone and on foot% My friend te seducer $ent off $it tecaracteristic stride of a lon#*le##ed man( and loo&in# "ery andsome( Itou#t% A Don Juan2 If you li&e% If te ladies li&e% % % But tis Don Juan isobsessed $it is re!utation and !ays te !rice of is "anity $it te

!unctuality of a timid debtor%

,e sa$ eac oter a#ain not lon# after$ard% He $as loo&in# tense(

i#*strun#1 is features can a#e in a 3uarter of an our and be re6u"enatedin fi"e minutes% 4out and old a#e come to im from te same source1 teeyes( te mout( te body of a $oman% In tirty*fi"e years of orderly $or&and disorderly !leasures( e as ne"er found time to be re6u"enated by rest%,en e allo$s imself a "acation( e ta&es is !oisons alon# $it im%

)I0m #oin# a$ay() e said%

)Tat0s #ood%)

He #lanced at is reflection mirrored in a so! $indo$%

)4ou tin& I loo& tired2 I am%))Tired of $om2)

)( all of tem( te se*de"ils% % % Fet0s a"e some oran#eade% Here( orfarter on% % % $ere"er you li&e%)

,en $e $ere seated( e !ut u! is and to smoot is sil"er*#ray air%


24/105

)0Te se*de"ils(0) I re!eated% )Ho$ many are tere( for #oodness0sa&e2)

)T$o% Tat sounds li&e notin#( t$o% % %)

He bra+ened it out( lau#in# and $rin&lin# is bi# classic nose( tety!ical nose of a $oman0s man%

)Do I &no$ tem2)

)4ou &no$ one of tem( te one I call Ancient History% Te oter isne$%)

)Pretty2)

)( indeed5) e e-claimed( tossin# is ead and rollin# u! is eyes soyou could see only te $ites% Tis facial e-ibitionism is one of is traits

tat I disli&e%)9e0s a Taitian &ind of beauty() e $ent on% )At ome( se #oes about

$it er air an#in# loose do$n er bac&( air as lon# as tat( a mane ofair flo$in# do$n o"er tat len#t of red sil& se $ra!s around er body% % %)

His e-!ression can#ed( e sto!!ed rollin# is eyes%

)It0s all umbu#( sam( a fiction( of course() e added sa"a#ely% )I0mnot ta&en in% But se0s 3uite s$eet% I0m not dissatisfied $it er% It0s te oterone% % %)

)9e0s 6ealous2)He #a"e me a esitant loo&%

)Jealous2 ( tat one is a real demon% Do you &no$ $at se0s done2Ha"e you any notion $at se0s done2)

)4ou0re #oin# to tell me%)

)9e0s ta&en u! $it te ne$ one( tey0re bosom friends% AncientHistory tal&s about me to te ne$ one% Tat dis#ustin# $ay tey a"e oftellin# eac oter e"erytin#5 9e describes our lo"e*ma&in#( our 0amours0as se calls it( and of course burles3ues it into an or#y% 9e recallse"erytin# and ma&es u! te rest% After $ic te Taitian beauty% % %)

)% % % e-!ects to #et as muc out of you% % %)

He loo&ed at me $it a ne$ and sad umility%

)4es%)


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)My dear man( allo$ me to as& a 3uestion% ,it te Taitian #irl( is itreal sensuality or merely atletic !ro$ess and a s!irit of com!etition2)

My celebrated friend can#ed countenance% I ad te !leasure of seein#a $ole series of e-!ressions a!!ear on is features'defiance( cunnin#(

e"ery nuance of !rimordial ostility% He fi-ed is eyes u!on te distant andin"isible ad"ersary and ble$ out is cee&s%

)Poo5) e scoffed% )Tat0s an old story( I can andle it% A 3uestion ofdo# eat do#% And as for er sensuality( I0m culti"atin# it% 9e0s youn#( se0srec&less( you &no$% It0s rater amusin#% % %)

He tre$ out is cest and $as a#ain a man of distinction%

)Any$ay( te #irl is( $en e-cited and dise"eled( a mar"elous si#t%,at s!lendor% % %)

Tere is a sort scene in te !layC$limare le *i$naime$ere te lo"er(urriedly sut into an ad6oinin# room by is mistress as er usbanda!!ears( &ic&s and !ounds te loc&ed door% ),at0s tat2) te usband as&s%)Notin#% % % 9ome $or&men are re!airin# te cimney ne-t door() stammerste tremblin# $ife% )But tis is intolerable5 Pitois() e says to te olddi!lomatic footman( )$ill you !lease #o and tell tose fello$s to ma&e alittle less noise5) Pitois esitates( ten says( in embarrassment( )9ir( tosefello$s don0t loo& "ery accommodatin#%) ) yes2) says te usband% )9oyou0"e #ot cold feet2 ,ell( ten( I0ll attend to it myself%) He a!!roaces te

loc&ed door and souts $it all is mi#t1 )A little less noise( you tere5 ,ecan0t ear oursel"es tin&5) A orrified silence% )Tat0s te $ay( Pitois() sayste usband( )tat0s te $ay to tal& to $or&men% I can do it myself%) U!on$ic Pitois #oes out( after tis aside1 )I0m #oin#% I really feel sorry forim%)

I $as miscie"ously recallin# tese lines of Pitois as I sat tere facin#my friend L( $o $as claimin# "ictory o"er a silly #irl( insatiable andrec&less% I smiled to myself and can#ed( or at least a!!eared to can#e( tesub6ect%

)I understand tat you are !re!arin# a $arm rece!tion for yourcollea#ue from te Nort2)

L bri#tened u!( for e is by nature entusiastic and for some time no$as left beind im all !rofessional 6ealousies%

)4ou mean Maasen2 4es( indeed% A #reat man5 I intend to a"e a front*!a#e !iece on im in teournal. Tere $ill be a ban3uet and s!eeces( all


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"ery i#*flo$n and umbu#% I $ould li&e to see te Acadmie mobili+e tebest it as for im% A #reat man( "ery #reat% And you0ll see( is !oliticalcareer as 6ust started% He as e"erytin#% He0s one of tose men I call 0te$ell*endo$ed%0 He as an e-traordinary animal ma#netism( a andsomeead( sil"er treads amon# te #old no$( of course( but tere0s still a loo& ofyout about im% % %)

)4es( I &no$% I e"en &no$% % % Tey say tat% % %)

)Tey say $at2 Affairs $it $omen2)

)Naturally% Tey say% % % Fean o"er( I can0t sout tis sort of tin#5)

I $is!ered a fe$ $ords in my friend0s ear% He re!lied $it a lon#$istle%

)By Jo"e5 But $at documentation( my dear5 Tose areim!ressi"e

fi#ures% ,o #a"e tem to you2)

)n tis &ind of information( all sources are sus!ect%)

),ell said%)

He strai#tened u! and buttoned is coat li&e an offended man about tocallen#e anoter to a duel% His bro$n*#old eyes eld a $ic&ed #leam%

)( tose Nordics5) e 6o&ed% )I0d 6ust li&e to see tem% % %)

9uddenly conscious of betrayin# ill umor( e tried to co"er u!%

)All te same( I don0t see o$ tis% % % ornamental detail can be ofinterest% ,en $e are concerned $it a man li&e Maasen( tat ma#nificentuman edifice() e added( $it #ross irritation( )I don0t care $eter or notte edifice includes a room $it mirrors and te a!!urtenances of a brotel% %%)

)f course() I said%

He !aid for our t$o oran#eades and !ic&ed u! is #lo"es and stic&%

)At any rate() I said( )you0ll let me &no$( I o!e%)

)Fet you &no$ $at2)

),y( of Maasen0s arri"al% I0d li&e to tal& to im%)

)5 4es% uite% A rater &een little $ind tis( isn0t it2)

)A $ind from te Nort% % %)


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He ac&no$led#ed tis mediocre trust( #i"in# me a !iercin# loo&%

)Hea"ens() e said( )you tin& I0m a little more tan 6ealous of Maasen(don0t you5 All te same( I0"e not yet sun& so lo$ as to indul#e in !ysical

6ealousies5)

I soo& my ead in denial and affectionately !atted is bristly si-o0cloc& cee&% )My dear man() I felt li&e sayin#( )is tere suc a tin# asnon!ysical 6ealousy2)

He $ent off( and it $as to is s$in#in# bac&( is e-a##eratedly lon#stride( and to is at tat I addressed myself mentally% Es!ecially te at( tesi#nificant( informati"e( inconstant( !er!le-in# at5 :or a boyis loo&( esets it too muc on one side7 for a boemian loo&( it0s tilted too far bac&7 and$en it0s tilted too far for$ard( tat means( ),atc out( $e0re sensiti"e andcan be tou#( let no one tread on our toes%) In sum( a at tat refuses to #ro$old%

Tus once a#ain L and I !layed at a$a&in# te ecoes of tat ful#urantclima- of !ossession( te !aro-ysm $a##isly calledle plaisiror(eu!emistically( )satisfaction)'nomenclatures I must ado!t( tou#un$illin#ly% ,e can tal& about it( !era!s( because it as ne"er treatened usto#eter( ne"er !inned one u!on te oter7 or !era!s because my friend letsme see( in is fine )courtsi! !luma#e) $ic e so fre3uently dons( te

bald s!ots and te cli!!ed 3uills% % % ,e a"e our abits% ,e be#in by tal&in#a little about our $or&( about te !eo!le !assin# by( about te dead( aboutyesterday and today( and $e com!ete $it eac oter in !leasantincom!atibility1 )No( te $ay I see it( not at all% n te contrary( I% % %) )Ho$stran#e( I old a diametrically o!!osite o!inion% % %) It needs a $ord or aname and $e fall a#ain into our abitual !ile of cinders( blac& for te most

!art( but #lo$in# red ere and tere% E-ce!t for te fact tat e is te one$o tal&s and more often tan not I am te one $o listens( I feel asres!onsible as e( since( from te minute e first sets is feet in te i#nitedtraces( I follo$ im and e"en #oad im on% Ha"in# #one beyond te limitone day( e e-!ostulated%

)Too muc as been said and too muc $ritten about tis% I #a# at allte literature tat deals $it te consummation of lo"e( do you ear me( itma&es me "omit5)

,it my fist eld in is fist( e !ounded te table%

)It0s time you did() I said% )4ou sould a"e "omited on it before$ritin# your sare%)


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)And $at about you2)

)( tat0s sometin# else a#ain5 I do myself tis 6ustice1 I0"e al$ays$aited( before describin# te confla#ration( to be a little at a distance( cooland in a safe s!ot% ,ereas you% % % In te "ery midst of sufferin#( in te "ery

midst of 6oy( o dear( it0s indecent%)He nodded soberly in a#reement( flattered%

)4es( yes() e murmured% ),at an aberration5)

He smiled as if e $ere t$enty*fi"e( $it a fei#ned sadness and afei#ned umility tat $ere carmin#%

)I a"e bea"ed li&e tose si!$rec&ed "oya#ers $o !itc into tecar#o and #or#e temsel"es until tey can eat no more% And tey eat nomore( for notin# is left( and $at $ill tey eat tomorro$2)

)E-actly( my dear man( e-actly% But in"ariably sometin# $ill be found$en te need is felt'a barrel of anco"ies at te bottom of te old( or acase of dried beef( or a 3uantity of #ra!efruit and coconuts% % %)

He sru#s% He meditates% He tal&s% He tal&s aboutit. I learn o$ eo"er$elms $omen $it letters( tele#rams( tele!one calls% He laments( e$aits at a s!a( e ides on a 9$iss mountainto!( e ma&es and enduresinnumerable scenes( emer#in# from it all steamin#( as if from a ot bat(tinner and re#enerated% Tere is notin# of Byronic #loom about im%

Rater( e0s a $ar orse( e rears and car#es a#ainst $at e does notcom!reend% He is full of "oices tat are te eco of is o$n "oice% He istoo im!ortant for te $omen not to feel te need to imitate im( toomasculine to elude te #irl $o !uts on a so$ of bein# terribly na"e% Te#irl $ould ne"er be able to fool you( Don Juan( my Don Juan as I see you5

,en I ad te darin# idea of ma&in# &no$n my )conce!t of DonJuan() douard de Ma- $as still ali"e% He is dead no$( and I no lon#erconsider $ritin# te !lay in $ic I $anted im to ta&e te leadin# !art%

)douard() I said to im( )o$ do you feel about it2)

)I0m too old( my dear%)

)E-actly% But for my !lay I need to a"e you old%)

)Ten I0m not old enou# for te !art% 4ou0"e urt my feelin#s%)

Te e-!ression in te blue*#reen*#old eyes and te sound of is "oicecast a s!ell%


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)But I also need to a"e you "ery seducti"e%)

),ell( tat I can still be( tan& ;od% 4out is not te time to seduce( itis te time to be seduced% ,at does your Don Juan do in te !lay2)

)Notin# yet( te !lay isn0t $ritten% And not muc $en it is $ritten% Imean to say( e doesn0t ma&e lo"e'or at any rate( only a "ery little%)

)Bra"o5 Is it indis!ensable to ma&e lo"e2 ( it0s all ri#t to do it( butonly $it $omen to $om one feels indifferent%)

I am 3uotin# Ma- faitfully( for te !leasure of !uttin# is $ordsbeside tose of a #reat lo"er( :rancis Carco( te no"elist% Just listen no$ toCarco1 )A() e si#s in moments of sim!licity and #loom( )a man souldne"er #o to bed $it a $oman e lo"es( tat s!oils e"erytin#% % %) And I$ant furter to 3uote Carles 9%1 )Te difficult tin# is not so muc to

obtain a $oman0s ultimate fa"ors( but rater( once se as yielded to ourdesires( to !re"ent er from settin# u! ouse&ee!in# $it us% ,at else can$e do but run2 Don Juan as so$n us te $ay%)

)douard() I $ent on( )you0"e #ot to understand me%)

)I0m afraid I $ill() Ma- a#reed( and is carmin# smile lost all its#aiety% )Ha"en0t I already understood2)

I e-!lained my famous !ro6ect and re!eated te name Don Juan t$entytimes% ,itout our bein# a$are of it( te $armt and ma#ic of tat name

$o"e a s!ell1 douard0s e-!ression can#ed as( mentally( e assumed terole% I could see is li!s com!ress( is dee!*set eyes s!ar&le blue and #old(te colors of te $ater salamander7

I $as a$are of is ma#nificent mane of air tremblin# as e mo"ed issoulders( and could see is and #radually reac for te ilt of a s$ord% % %

)4ou see( after te a#e of fifty( Don Juan% % %)

Te inter"al of a dress reearsal at te TQtre Mari#ny sed anunflatterin# li#t on us and on te #ardens( te acid( cold #reen ofs!rin#time% It $as tere( for te last time( tat I !romised Ma- tat e souldcreate te !art of a miso#ynous Don Juan% )Ma&e aste() e said to me% Alas(e $as more !rom!t tan I and descended fore"er to$ard te $a"erin#secondary caracters $it $om I ad not yet ad time to !air im off% I adalready decided tat around im( around Don Juan in is maturity( teresould be as many $omen as !ossible( and for te most !art youn#( and tate $ould detest tem% :or I counted on ta&in# as my model a man &no$n to


30/105

me( and $o no doubt is still more or less ali"e some$ere or oter%

As for tat man( it too& me 3uite a $ile( some years a#o( to see tat e$as Don Juan( because $at little e ad to say about $omen $as offensi"e%

A !ersistent youtfulness clun# to is features( $itout im!ro"in# isloo&s( and indeed it $as rater a curse% Besides( e ad no need of it% I can0tfi#ure out $eter $omen $ere dra$n strai#t to is eyes( bated in a falseand saline mistiness li&e #ray oysters( or to is li!s( al$ays sut o"er issmall and re#ular teet% All I can say is( tey $ere dra$n strai#t to im%,ere e $as concerned( tey at once ac3uired te set !ur!ose ofsomnambulists and bruised temsel"es a#ainst im as if a#ainst a !iece offurniture( to suc an e-tent did tey seem not to see im% Tey $ere te ones$o desi#nated im to me by is true name( Don Juan% ,itout tem( I$ould ne"er a"e tou#t of a!!lyin# tat name( of umble ori#in really(

born of a "ery fe$ !a#es( but eternal( for no oter name in any lan#ua#e ase"er su!!lanted it%

ne of is most stri&in# caracteristics $as te fact tat e ne"erurried% ;olf( tennis( ridin# &e!t is dia!ra#m flat and is muscles in trim%But I confessed to im my sur!rise tat( e-ce!t for #ames( e $as al$ayslast to arri"e at functions $ere !oliteness or te obli#ation to be !leasantsould a"e been is #uide%

)It0s not out of la+iness() e re!lied "ery seriously( )but to maintain mydi#nity%)

I lau#ed and all too readily a#reed $it is ri"als( $o sneered at teoffand attitude of tis man $o $as more successful $it $omen tantey% )Tat imbecile( tat idiot of a Damien% % %) I am ere besto$in# u!onim a name $ic recalls is true name( a rater old*fasioned one% % %

Fater on( $ile I $as $or&in# onCh$ri,I tried to !ersuade myself tatDamien( youn#( could a"e ser"ed as model for me( but I soon sa$ tatDamien( a stiff and rater limited sort( $as far from a"in# te indul#ent$imsicality( te im!udence and boyisness indis!ensable to Cri% Tey

ad notin# in common e-ce!t a similar melancoly( and a &eenintuiti"eness( e-traordinary in Damien%

ne day e so$ed me( in confidence and out of "ain#lory( te cabinet$ere e &e!t is letters from $omen% It $as a tall !iece of furniture(im!ressi"e beneat its bron+e a!!li3ues( and $as !ro"ided $it a undredlittle dra$ers%


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)nly a undred5) I e-claimed%

)Te dra$ers are subdi"ided inside() Damien re!lied( $it tesolemnity tat ne"er left im%

)And do $omen still $rite letters2)

)4es( tey $rite% A #reat many do( really a #reat many%)

)uite a fe$ men a"e assured me tat $omen no$adays merely usete tele!one( reinforced by a fe$petits *leus+

)Te men to $om $omen don0t $rite no$adays are sim!ly men to$om $omen don0t $rite( !eriod%)

I li&ed bein# $it im( as I li&e bein# $it s$ift animals $o aremotionless $en at rest% He tal&ed little( and I belie"e e $as second*rate in

e"erytin# e-ce!t te !erformance of is mission on eart% ,en I finallyo"ercame is mistrust( I $as #reatly edified by is sententious and 3uasi*meteorolo#ical manner% It $as almost identical to tat of country !eo!le $oforecast te $eater( understand te tem!er of animals and te intentions ofte $ind'I belie"e I need loo& no furter for te secret of our a!!arentlyun6ustifiable friendsi!%

To amuse and astonis me( e &e!t me informed as to o$ e )lured)$omen to teir fall( one misste! after anoter% Please note tat( unli&e isancestor( e did not seduce cloistered little ninnies( $inin# little Catolic

!ussycats( $arm and $eaned% It too& little !ro$ess( certainly( to seduce Ins5I $as dumbfounded( o$e"er( at te monotony and sim!licity of te

amorous maneu"ers% Bet$een Damien and te $omen tere $as not tesli#test int of di!lomacy% It $as rater a 3uestion of merely !ronouncin#te ma#ic $ord( )!en sesame5)

I belie"e e concealed a rater modest family bacround% Tis $oulde-!lain is a#reeably e-a##erated reser"e( is discreet "ocabulary% Hissuccesses $ere neiter retarded nor reduced by tis7 on te contrary( since a#reat many $omen a"e a secret a"ersion to men of #entle birt% At te ris&

of bein# tou#t older tan e $as( e did not use te current slan#% ,en$e establised our friendsi!( Damien $as becomin# almost as ard onimself as on )tem() is $omen% ld a#e( declinin# !o$ers( and !ysicaldecre!itude $ere condemned by im accordin# to te code of te !rimiti"es$o &ill off te a#ed and e-ecute te infirm% Merciless'in a $ell*mannered$ay%


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I !ut some 3uestions tat must a"e seemed rater na"e'for instance(te follo$in# e-can#e%

),at memory( Damien( do you belie"e you left $it te $omen( $itmost of tem2)

His #ray eyes( $ic $ere usually alf closed( no$ o!ened $ide%

),at memory2 ,y( $itout a doubt( a feelin# of not a"in# ad3uite enou#%)

Te tone of is re!ly soc&ed me( altou# it $as too curt for me tonotice at once its fatuity% I sur"eyed tis cold man( $o $as not at allaffected( $ose #ood loo&s $ere not in te least banal or standardi+ed% Teonly fla$s I could find in is !ysi3ue $ere is ands and feet( $ic $eretoo small and dainty( a detail tat I find im!ortant% As for is #ray eyes and

dar& air( tat is a contrast tat "i"idly stri&es us $omen and $e say(com!lacently( tat it is a si#n of a stron# caracter%

Te man of stron# caracter dei#ned to add a fe$ $ords1

),eter I ad tem at once or let tem lan#uis a little( I ad to lea"etem te minute I $as sure tey $ould blame me for ruinin# tem% Tatabout sums it u!%)

I &no$ tat e"ery metier be#ets its !articular lies and litanies( but e"enso( I listened to Damien incredulously% )I ad to% % %) But $y did e a"e to2

I !ut te 3uestion%He re!lied in is usual firm "oice( is usual dry manner( as if e $ere

!redictin# te bad $eater to be e-!ected at te ne-t full moon( or ade"astatin# scour#e of cater!illars%

)4ou surely $ouldn0t e-!ect me to dedicate myself to teir a!!iness(once I $as sure of tem2 Besides( if I ad s!ent my time ma&in# lo"e( I$ould ne"er a"e been te Don Juan I $as and am%)

I recall tat tis instruction $as im!arted to me bet$een midni#t andt$o o0cloc& in te mornin#( in one of tose un!redictable to$ns $eredar&ness is te #lacial o!!osite of dayli#t and $ere only te ni#t ma&esone a$are of te nearness and attraction of te sea% Damien and I $eredrin&in# a s$eetis oran#eade dro$ned $it $ater( a otel oran#eade( anend*of*te*season oran#eade( and $ere sittin# beneat te #lass roof of aotel lobby

Damien ad come to my dressin# room to fetc me after my


33/105

!antomime act% )I0m in tis to$n rusticatin#() e ad briefly e-!lained( usin#a $ord tat $as out of date% He abstained from alcool% )It brin#s #rayairs() e said( leanin# o"er is #oblet to so$ is dar& air( $ic $asrater !lentifully treaded $it #ray( #listenin# li&e aluminum% He si!!edis oran#eade tou#tfully trou# a stra$( and as my eyes rested on is finemout( I reflected tat tere $as sometin# about it tat aroused ideas ofs$eetness( of slee!( sometin# secret and #entle and sad'and still youtful%And I remembered te ada#e1 )A &issed mout ne"er #ro$s old%)

I a"e often tou#t about tis man $o ad neiter $it nor #aiety norte disarmin# coarseness tat $omen find deli#tful and reassurin#% Hisonly asset $as is function% I a"e tried to !ersuade myself a undred timestat notin# in im stirred my senses( only to admit a undred times tat tis$as only a !art of te trut( te !lain and sort( te meanin#less !art of tetrut%

)4ou ad to lea"e tem() I re!eated% )But $y2 Is "ictory all you $ant2r( on te contrary( is tis "ictory of no im!ortance to you2)

He turned my 3uestion o"er in is mind% Ten( as if it ad reaced imfrom a lon# $ay off( e cla!!ed te !alms of is ands to#eter andforcefully interlaced is fin#ers% I e-!ected im to let out a torrent of abuse(to s!ea& out( to say no matter $at% I $anted im to #i"e $ay to an#er( toma&e some &ind of ro$ tat $ould !ro"e im to be illo#ical( $ea&( andfeminine'$at e"ery $oman $ants e"ery man to be at least once in is

life% I $anted to see im roll u! is eyes !atetically( $anted im to so$te u#ly em!ty $ites( instead of tose eyelids li&e sutters( slanted do$n(cautious( selterin# te !roud and re!ro"in# #a+e of is lo$ered eyes%

Notin# tat I $anted to a!!en a!!ened% Instead( Damien be#an to tal&3uietly( in sort and abru!t !rases tat I $ould be ard !ut to recall and$rite do$n( because te meanin# of $ords cannot be se!arated from teirsound or from te monotonous deli"ery( $it fre3uent !auses( $ic el!edDamien at times to ide and at oters to e-!ress te dee!est resentment%

Not for a moment did e lose te least di#nity( at any rate te !ysical

di#nity of a man accustomed to li"e is life in !ublic% He did not let out anyof te crude old $ords tat $e all carry in our subconscious since ourcildood( since our scooldays% He named no one and committed only oneerror of taste( te casual reference to is mistresses in mentionin# te title orran& or social !osition of teir usbands or !rotectors% )% % % 9e $as te dearand close friend of a #reat industrialist% % %) )Her usband $as a !eer of terealm% % %) );ood ;od( you can0t ima#ine o$ borin# a Bal&an #rain dealer


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can be to a $oman5)

He tal&ed for a lon# time% My otel dar&ened7 in te late ours $e $ereallo$ed only a reduced li#t $ic fell from te i# ceilin#% A ni#t$atcman in correct li"ery but $earin# !re!osterous car!et sli!!ers suffled

across te all%),ell no$( !lease tell me() said Damien( )$at did I #et out of all

tis2)

Fistenin# is an effort tat a#es te face( ma&es te nec& muscles ace(and stiffens te eyelids loo&in# fi-edly at te s!ea&er% It is a &ind of studieddebauc% % % Not only te listenin#( but te inter!retin#% % % te ele"atin# to itssecret meanin# a litany of dull $ords( !romotin# acrimony to #rief or $ilddesire%

)By $at ri#t2 By $at ri#t did tey al$ays #et more out of it tan Idid2 If only I could doubt tat tey did5 But I ad only to loo& at tem% Teirsatisfaction $as all too real% Teir tears( as $ell% But teir satisfactiones!ecially% % %)

At tis !oint e did not indul#e in any di#ression on te boldimmodesty of females% But im!erce!tibly e tre$ out is cest( as if tosa&e off $at in effect e $as seein# in is mind( li&e$ise )subdi"idedinside%)

)Tey allo$ us to be teir master in te se- act( but ne"er teir e3ual%

Tat is $at I cannot for#i"e tem%)He too& a dee! breat( !leased at a"in# so clearly rid imself of te

essential moti"e of is lon#( lo$*"oiced lament% He turned from one side tote oter( as if to call a $aiter( but all te ni#t life of te otel ad$itdra$n into a sin#le uman snore( nearby and re#ular% Damien tereforesatisfied imself $it te rest of te te!id soda $ater( com!osedly $i!ed is#entle mout( and smiled s$eetly at me from te de!t of is $ilderness%Te ni#t !assed o"er im softly( and is "itality seemed to be a !art of a

!articular asceticism% % % At te be#innin# of is confidential tal& e ad

successi"ely sin#led out( to so$ tem off better( te famous mistress of te#reat industrialist( te titled lady( te actress( but from ten on e used onlyte !lural% Fost amon# tem( feelin# is $ay trou# a cro$d( trou# afloc&( scarcely #uided by suc landmar&s as a breast( a i!( te

!os!orescent furro$ of a tear% % %

)9ensual !leasure( satisfaction( #ood( yes( satisfaction( tat0s


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understood% If anyone in te $orld &no$s $at it is( I0m te one% But beyondtat to% % % No( really( tey #o too far%)

He soo& out $at remained of is drin& on te ru#( li&e a $a#oner in acountry inn( and $itout e-cusin# imself% ,ere tose dro!s of $arm $ater

meant to insult a $oman or te entire in"isible orde tat ad no fear of tecon6uration2

.)Tey #o to far%) Tey #o( to be#in $it( as far as te man leads tem(and te man demands a #reat deal in is conceit( is into-icatin# con"ictiontat e is im!artin# an arcane science% Ten( te "ery ne-t day( e says(),at as become of my innocent #irl of yesterday2) He si#s ande-claims( ),at a"e I in common $it tis se*#oat at a $itces0 re"el2)/

)Do tey really #o so far2)

)4ou can belie"e me() e said laconically% )And tey &ee! #oin#( teydon0t &no$ o$ to sto!%)

He a"erted is eyes in a $ay tat $as caracteristic( ostensibly( li&e aman $o( confrontin# an o!en letter( refrains from readin# it for fear of

betrayin# on is features $at e mi#t tus disonestly find out%

)Pera!s it $as your fault% Did you ne"er #i"e a $oman time to #etused to you( to become mollified( to rela-2)

),at in te $orld5) e scoffed% )Peace( after all tat2 Cucumber cold

cream for te ni#t and te ne$s!a!ers in bed in te mornin#2)He stretced imself discreetly( is only confession of ner"ous fati#ue%

I res!ected is silence( te elli!tical $ord of a man $o ad ne"er in is lifetreated $it te enemy or laid aside is armor or admitted te least failure ofener#y'$ic is a &ind of re!ose'to enter into is lo"e*ma&in#%

)In sort( Damien( you a"e te same conce!t of lo"e tat used to becaracteristic of youn# #irls( $o could not ima#ine a $arrior e-ce!t $itis $ea!on dra$n or a lo"er e-ce!t ready at any moment to !ro"e is lo"e2)

)Tere0s sometin# in tat() e conceded( )and on tat score te $omenI0"e &no$n ne"er a"e ad any reason to com!lain% I educated tem $ell%But as for $at tey e"er #a"e me in e-can#e% % %)

He stood u!% I $as afraid of reco#ni+in# in im anoter a##lin# trader(disa!!ointed in a bar#ain'for I ad met and &no$n one else$ere and atcloser ran#e% I $as afraid of findin# te ans$er to is riddle and of a"in#Don Juan can#e before my eyes into merely an unluc&y creditor% I terefore


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urried to re!ly%

),at tey0"e #i"en you2 ,y( I sould tin&( teir #rief% 9o you0re notall tat badly !aid after all( are you2)

He so$ed me ten tat e $as neiter #o"erned by is model nor6ealous of im%

)Teir #rief() e re!eated( )yes( teir #rief% Tat0s "ery indefinable% AndI don0t a!!reciate it as muc as you tin&% Teir #rief% % % I0m not a mean

!erson% I only $is tat I could a"e recei"ed'if only for a moment'asmuc as I #a"e%)

He started to #o% A#ain I eld im bac&%

)Tell me( Damien% % % Aside from te men I0"e seen you s!ea& to( a"eyou any male friends2)

He smiled%

)( really5They$ouldn0t a"e tolerated it%)

Buried beneat tat con#lomeration of $omen( e ad ad no"entilatin# saft to !ro"ide im $it some fres air% % % But 6ust as I $asabout to re#ard te life of tis man $it orror( I suddenly tou#t tat anyalteration in te desi#n( any )re!entance) $ould a"e turned a modestlyle#endary fi#ure into a !itiful caricature% ;rotes3ue( te idea of a 6o"ialDamien bein# consoled for is $ic&ed $omen by !als $o $ould sla! im

on te bac& and #i"e im teir ad"ice1 ):or#et it% Come alon#( friendsi!is% % %) I ad 6ust ima#ined tis final do$nfall $en Damien reassured me($it tat se"erity $ic( for lac& of oter "irtues( constituted is self*res!ect%

)I a"e notin# to say to men and ne"er ad% Jud#in# from te littletime I0"e s!ent $it tem( teir usual con"ersation is sic&enin#% Besides(tey bore me% I belie"e() e esitated( ten concluded( )I belie"e I don0tunderstand men%)

)4ou e-a##erate( Damien% It $ould a"e been different ad you beenobli#ed to earn a li"in# and been !ut in daily contact $it men( or if $omenad ruined you materially% % %)

)Ruined2 ,y( !lease( ruined2 ,at0s money #ot to do $it te to!ic$e0re discussin#( $ic( by te $ay( as &e!t us u! so late ere'I really$onder $y%)


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He $as losin# !atience and cec&ed imself%

)4ou0"e been told() e $ent on more #ently( )tat te idea of moneyine"itably enters into lo"e affairs% 4ou0"e been told% % %) He smiled( in #oodfettle des!ite te late our% )Too bad you don0t a"e a son% I $ould a"e

tau#t im te fe$ $ords tat a man li&e me sould &no$% % %)I !rotested1 )% % % and $ic $ould a"e doubtless been useless( for I

sim!ly cannot see myself $it a son $o $ould resemble you%)

)Ha"e no re#rets() e said $it disobli#in# s$eetness% )Not e"eryonecan a"e a son li&e me% I scarcely &no$ more tan t$o or tree suc men(and tey are 3uite circums!ect% E"en so( I $ill s!ea& te fe$ $ords to you($ic you0ll not understand1 0;i"e notin#'ta&e notin#%0)

I $as dumbfounded%

)4ou see() Damien noted #aily( )I0m deli#ted5 I $as al$ays a littleafraid you $eren0t any more intelli#ent tan oter $omen% No$( my dear( Imust e-cuse myself for a"in# stayed so lon#%)

),ait() I e-claimed( catcin# im by te slee"e% )If you $ant to &ee!your !resti#e $it me( e-!lain yourself% I don0t al$ays res!ect $at I don0tunderstand% 0;i"e notin#( ta&e notin#%0 ,at e-actly do you mean by0notin#02 Neiter flo$ers nor 6e$els nor ban&notes nor art ob6ects2 Are youtin&in# of*i*elots( #old( credit( furnisin#s( real estate2)

He #ra"ely inclined is $ell*sa!ed ead%)E-actly( all tat% It is ard( I admit( not to brea& te rule% But one soon

!ercei"es tat te bracelet is !oisoned( te rin# unfaitful( te card case orte nec&lace disturbers of dreams( te sil"er ea#er to land on te #amblin#table% % %)

It $as fun to see im becomin# sententious a#ain( #loryin# in a sciencee ad in"ented( and as !ositi"e as a "illa#e sootsayer%

)9o one sould neiter #i"e nor recei"e2) I lau#ed% )And if te lo"eris !oor( is mistress indi#ent( ten bot se and e must tactfully lettemsel"es and eac oter die2)

)Fet tem die() e re!eated%

I ad accom!anied im as far as te re"ol"in# #lass door of te lobby%

)Fet tem die() e said a#ain% )It0s less dan#erous% I can s$ear on my$ord of onor tat I ne"er #a"e a !resent or made a loan or an e-can#e of


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anytin# e-ce!t% % % tis% % %)

He $a"ed bot ands in a com!licated #esture $ic fleetin#lyindicated is cest( is mout( is #enitals( is ti#s% Tan&s no doubt tomy fati#ue( I $as reminded of an animal standin# on its ind le#s and

un$indin# te in"isible% Ten e resumed is strictly uman si#nificance(o!ened te door( and easily min#led $it te ni#t outside( $ere te sea$as already a little !aler tan te s&y%

I treasure te memory of tat man% Altou# I a"e ne"er lac&ed closefriends( rarer in my life a"e been te friends $o $ere not close( bet$een$om and me !assed a sensual current( a mysterious force tat made tem(to be#in $it( rater cantan&erous and s!ar&lin#( ten dull( snuffed out li&e acandle% I en6oyed seein# Damien fi-ed in is error'as $e call any fait tatis not ours% Besides( e satisfied te li&in# I a"e al$ays ad for temysterious "oid( and for certain !ri"ile#ed creatures and teir steadiness in asu!!osedly !arado-ical e3uilibrium( and es!ecially for te di"ersity andsteadfastness of teir sensual code of onor% Not only onor( but !oeticfeelin#( as $en Damien a!!lied is lyricism to abandonin# is mistressesand lettin# tem die% )Fet tem die() e said( and e said( )Ihadto lea"etem%) He $ould a"e been baffled ad I told im .as I ne"er did/ tat in is)I ad to lea"e tem) resided is sim!licity( and tat $en e tou#t e $as

bein# coldly calculatin#( e $as bein# a !oet and a fatalist% His tan&less

and $ell*lo"ed duties sut im off from e"erytin# else( and I could a"elearned a lot from im and about im ad e not( in is atred of any contestof $its( !racticed te em!iricism of te $ild beast teacin# er youn#1)Foo&% Tis is te $ay I 6um!( tis is te $ay you ou#t to 6um!%) ),y2))Because tis is te $ay to 6um!%)

I lin#er o"er tis memory% If Damien is still ali"e( e is no$ more tanse"enty years old% Has te time come for is deli"erance2 And once freed($at does e amount to2 If e reads tese lines and tis boo&( in $ic Io!e to add my !ersonal contribution to te sum total of our &no$led#e of

te senses( e $ill smile and sru#( te tran3uil little #ray*aired #entleman%If in is latter years e as married some stoutearted $oman( e $ill &ee! it3uiet tat e $as Damien1 tis $ill be is last !leasure and is su!reme deedof dar&ness% ,at could be te a"o$able end of Damien( oter tan a

!remature deat2 But tere is no !remature deat for a man utterly dedicatedto con3uest( solitude( and "ain fli#t1 e is al$ays at an a#e to die%

He embodied tat ty!e of man $om oter men unanimously refer to


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as )a !erson de"oid of all interest%) ,en( by cance( e ad to deal $itordinary men( e $as al$ays( I noticed( te one $o $as embarrassed andmomentarily at a disad"anta#e% And if in is !resence tey told te usual off*color 6o&es( e barely #a"e a si#n tat e eard% Ho$e"er( surroundin# imtere $as an e-!andin# +one as subtle as a !erfume( #radually !ercei"ed byte men !resent( and $it a"ersion% Tey 6ustified tis a"ersion as best teycould% ),at does tat caracter o"er tere do for a li"in#2) one of temas&ed me( addin#( )I can0t stomac im% I0ll bet e0s a !ederast%) I couldardly &ee! from lau#in# o"er te $ay te sus!icious man $as betrayin#is o$n na"e and e3ui"ocal bea"ior'e $as lim! $it an-iety and asirritable as a !rude on te !oint of lettin# erself be seduced( as e castcontem!tuous #lances at te sus!ected man( te "ery #lances I ad seen oneof Damien0s mistresses dart at im before se succumbed% 9e( too( adreferred to im as )tat caracter() to be#in $it% And $en se stood u!

after sittin# beside im( se brused er s&irt as if to sa&e off some crumbs%Tat #esture $as( I felt( almost a morbid tic%

)Fea"e er alone() I told Damien%

)I0m not doin# anytin# to er() e re!lied%

In fact( e did notin# but o"er in er "icinity and ma&e rater triteremar&s% And al$ays se stood u! ner"ously and left( in a telltale $ay( #oin#to$ard te nearest e-it'te terrace of te casino( te frenc $indo$ of tesalon( a #arden #ate% He needed no stron#er int and "acated te !lace%

,en se returned( se ine-!licably loo&ed for im7 to be e-act( I di"ined itfrom te $ay te nostrils of er !erfect little nose flared and te im!atience$it $ic se !used aside te em!ty cairs in er $ay% ,atcin# er $as$at made me belie"e tat all of us in tat man0s !resence scented adeli#tful sometin#( if I may flatter te atmos!ere surroundin# im byassociatin# it $it te most aristocratic of our fi"e senses( te olfactory%

,at a!!ened later $as te usual tin#1 te t$o( of course( becamelo"ers( and te youn# $oman $as alternately radiant and !ale( unsociableand #ay( "isibly a##ard so lon# as se resisted( dasin#ly re6u"enated $en

se sto!!ed resistin#% And $en te our struc& tat indicated( accordin# toDamien and is !articular reli#ion( tat )it $as really necessary) for teaffair to end( se "anised as if Damien ad tro$n er into a $ell%

No doubt in describin# im I am slurrin# te caracter of tis dis!enserof !leasure( ill recom!ensed and !robably 3uite inca!able( if e ad sodesired( of #i"in# any $oman lastin# a!!iness%


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In is o$n $ay e also $ent )too far) $en e accorded unlimitedcredit to te sensual satisfaction tat e #a"e% Can is obsession $it

!otency e"er e3ual( for a lo"er( is obsession $it im!otence2

And $at $ould e a"e said ad e e"er met te $oman $o( out of

seer #enerosity( fools te man by simulatin# ecstasy2 But I need not $orryon tat score1 most surely e encountered Carlotte( and !era!s more tanonce%

9e !roduced for im er little bro&en cries( $ile se turned er eadaside( and $ile er air "eiled er foreead( er cee&( er alf*sut eyes(lucid and attenti"e to er master0s !leasure% % % Te Carlottes of tis $orldnearly al$ays a"e lon# air%

At a time $en I $as'or tou#t I $as'insensible to Damien0sattraction( I su##ested tat e and I #o for a "oya#e to#eter( a !air ofcourteously e#otistic com!anions( accommodatin#( fond of lon# silences% % %

)I only li&e to tra"el $it $omen() e re!lied%

His #entle tone $as meant to soften te brutal remar&% But( afraid ead offended me( e dressed it u! $it a remar& tat $as e"en $orse%

)4ou( a $oman2 ,y( try as you $ill% % %)

A Cam!ion( $en defeated by anoter cam!ion( is noneteless readyto a!!laud a su!erior s!eed( an innate ability to cut te air and co"erdistance% Damien0s remar& urt me for 3uite a $ile( and since it a!!ened

to be one of te last remar&s e e"er made to me( I ne"er ad te o!!ortunityto admit to im tat( oddly enou#( I $as secretly cra"in# 6ust ten to becom!letely a $oman% I am not alludin# to a former self( a !ublic andle#endary fi#ure tat I ad ostentatiously culti"ated and arran#ed as tocostume and e-ternal details% I am alludin# to a #enuine mentalerma!roditism $ic burdens certain i#ly com!le- uman bein#s% Andif Damien0s !ronouncement "e-ed me( it $as because I a!!ened to be


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ma&in# a !articular effort at te time to rid myself of tis ambi#uity( alon#$it all its fla$s and !ri"ile#es( and to offer tem u!( still $arm( at te feetof a certain man to $om I offered a ealty and 3uite female body and its

!era!s fallacious "ocation of ser"ant% But as for te man( e $as not ta&enin7 e ad detected te masculine strea& in my caracter by some trait ofmine I could not identify( and( tou# tem!ted( ad fled% Fater e returned(full of #rud#es and mistrust% And I did not as yet tin& to !ut to use te$arnin# Damien ad #i"en me%

f $at a"ail is it to $arn te blind2 Te blind trust only teir o$n$ell*&no$n infallibility and are determined to assume te full res!onsibilityof urtin# temsel"es% Tus I urt myself in my o$n stu!id and fortri#t$ay%

)Tere0s no reason to be so u!set() Mar#uerite Moreno said to me one

day% ),y don0t you 6ust acce!t te fact tat for certain men some $omenre!resent a ris& of omose-uality2)

)4ou and I may comfort oursel"es $it tat tou#t( Mar#uerite( at anyrate% But if $at you say is true( $o $ill reali+e tat $e are $omen2)

)ter $omen% ,omen aren0t offended or deluded by our masculine$it% Tin& it o"er% % %)

I interru!ted er $it a #esture% ,e ad te comfortable abit oflea"in# a sentence an#in# mid$ay as soon as one of us ad #ras!ed te

!oint% Mar#uerite Moreno tou#t I sto!!ed er no$ out of decency( and sefell silent% No one can ima#ine te number of sub6ects( te amount of $ordstat are left out of te con"ersation of t$o $omen $o can tal& to eac oter$it absolute freedom% Tey can allo$ temsel"es te lu-ury of coosin#$at to say%

)A #reat many men a"e a feminine strea& in teir mental ma&eu!()Moreno continued% )I em!asi+e1 in teir mental ma&eu!%)

)I 3uite understood() I said #loomily%

)% % % Because( $en it comes to morals( tey are unassailable( tey are3uite strict( as a matter of fact5)

Amused( I nodded in a#reement%

)% % % And tey are #allant souls( in te #eneral acce!tance of te term(te military $ay of usin# it% But o( o$ tey srie& if a cater!illar #ra+estem or if a bee flies too close7 and 6ust notice o$ tey #o !ale at te "ery


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si#t of a bi# blac& coc&roac or te coc&roac0s cousin( te ear$i#% % %)

)Tem2 Are tey all tat numerous( Mar#uerite2)

9e bo$ed er ead $it tat #ra"e( donnis air tat !eo!le $o a"eseen er films find so comic%

)And $at about us2 ,at about us $omen $o constitute teiromose-ual ris&2 Are $e e3ually numerous2)

):ar from it( I0m sorry to say% ,it an e3ual( e"en an e3ual in number(one can al$ays #et alon#% I0"e not finised% I0"e #ot only as far as tecoc&roac% But a"en0t you noticed( $entheylet temsel"es #o in a "iolentscene $it a $oman( a"en0t you noticed tat tey ne"er for#et to &ee! teireyes a"erted from te face of te $oman tey0re blacuardin#( and focus oner ands2)

)And if tey0re 3uarrelin# $it a man2)

)Tey ne"er ma&e scenes $it anoter man% Tey may des!ise and fearte oter man( but rater tan be obli#ed to e-can#e $ords $it im( tey

!refer to a"e it out in a duel%)

I burst out lau#in#'it does one #ood( $en at a safe distance fromte cla$s tat a"e $ounded us( to lau# at tem( e"en $en te old $oundsare still ra$ and #a!in#%

)In sort() te clair"oyant continued( )if tey are often deluded by te

e-!ression on our face( tey can more safely consult( beind us( tee-!ression on our bac&% % % ( o$ beautifully tey lau#( and o$ easilytey $ee!5)

9e uttered a 9!anis oat and made a face at some memory or oter%Ten se ya$ned and succumbed to slee!( leanin# er ead a#ainst te i#*

bac&ed armcair% Her stron#( se-less features softened a little as se san&into te sudden slee! of all trained $or&ers( $o &no$ o$ to recou! teirstren#t by ta&in# a ten*minute na! in te bus or te Metro( a 3uarter of anour at reearsals as tey sit on te taboret tat $ill ser"e in one scene as a

Re#ency des& and in te ne-t $ill re!resent a flo$erin# ed#e( or beneatte tro!ical li#ts of te cinema studios% 9ittin# or leanin#( tey slee! teslee! of te care$orn( te $eary( te conscientious $or&er% Aslee!( serater resembled Dante( or a refined idal#o( or Feonardo da inci0s 9aintJon te Ba!tist% No$ tat our $oman0s $ealt of air is sorn( $en our

breasts and ands and stomac are idden( $at remains of our femininee-teriors2 9lee! brin#s an incalculable number of $omen to assume te


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form tey $ould no doubt a"e cosen if teir $a&in# state did not &ee!tem in i#norance of temsel"es% Te same a!!lies to men% % % ( te carmof a slee!in# man( o$ "i"idly I recall it5 :rom foreead to mout e $as(

beind is closed eyelids( all smiles( $it te arc noncalance of a sultanabeind a barred $indo$% And I $o $ould $illin#ly a"e been com!letely$oman( com!letely and stu!idly female( $it $at male $istfulness did I#a+e at tat man $o ad suc a deli#tful lau# and $o could res!ond to a

beautiful !oem or landsca!e% % %

Tat man al$ays comes into our li"es more tan once% His seconda!!arition is less fri#tenin#( for $e ad tou#t im uni3ue in te art of

!leasin# and destroyin#7 by rea!!earin#( e loses stature%

;rud#in#ly $e confer u!on im #enerous and noble attributes andma&e te ine"itable #estures to $ic e as te ri#t( $e em!loy an

antro!ometry tat renders im common!lace% :asioned for te use and teostility of $oman( e noneteless reco#ni+es at a distance( in a

30097356 the pure and the impure by colette

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