Sibling Grief

Recognizing and Serving

Children at RiskCathy R. Blanford, I{Ed

Statistics Regatding Sibling Death

. Just under 2 millioo children age 18 and under

living in the United States have experienced the

dea& of a sibling.

. 26, 000 srillbirths in U.S. in a year

' 19,000 Newbom deaths

. Miscarriages as high as 25oh of pregnancies

. Cose to half of these families have otherchildren.

Impact of Sibling Death

. Sibliag death has a different impact on a child than thedeath of a prent or other significant adult.

. The child's reaction will depend on many factors:

- The age ofthe child

- The age ofthe sibling

- The relationship between the child & sibling

* Whether it was a long illness or a sudden death

- Whether or not the child was included in the prccs- 1he parents reaction, availability

. Child's age and sibling's age

- Whethet they were the younger or the oldrx sibling

and the years separating theit ages will have an

impact ofl the grieving process.

- The relationship betwem the two was partially due

to the age of each.

. Longillness or quick, unexpected death

- A long ilLress may me,ur the child is more preparedfor the death, but also means that attention has been

devoted to sick sibling for a puiod of time

- An uflexpected death can be cspecially frightening,leaves child feeling rulnetable, family h deep state ofshock, disbelicf

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. Degree to which chjld was involved 6r excluded.

- A child who has bem involved ir the process of thesibling s illness and/or dyng wiil have a betteropportunity to grier.e, elpress feelhgs, gain

information

- A child who is excluded from the process feels leftout, does not mderstand what is happening may

feel less importart in family

Special Issues for Subsequents

. Born into a family where there is a "ghosC' Horv rvillthe subsequcnt come ro leam of rhc sibling? Wlren wrllhc bc told? Who rvrJl tell him?

. How'?resend'is the absent child? Are there mvpictures? Are there stones told? Are there regularmemorials? What happms on holidays?

. Rqrlacemmt child: Would I have beer bom if s/hehad not died?

. Attachment issues

. Overprotectiveness of Parents

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Disenfranchised Grief

' Child's own grief may be discounted due to the

parents' ovetwhelming grief. Child may not be included in the family's

grieving ptocess,

Helping These Children in GriefGrouPs

. Preferable for children with sibling loss to be

with othet children who have also experienced

the death of a sibiing.

' Mixed groups work but it is better if there is at

least one other child whose sibling died'

Value of the Story

. The child will be able to obtain infoffnation they

rnay not have had before.

. This will help to clear up misconceptions.

. The child's story will give the Paretrts zri

opportunity to see how their child is thinking

about what happened.

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Josh andJessica: Twins and aDtesset

. Twins were two years old whenJustin died intheir bedroom during naptime.

. Jessica came to us at age 4 without a story.

. We helped her obtain information about whathappened.

. She left the goup with her own story in whichshe was the heroine.

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Opportunities to Deal with Anger

. Legrtimize anger-it's okay to be mad!

- Don't hut yourself.

* Don't hurt anyone else.

- Don't break anlthing important.

. Give them tools for getting the anger out.

Guilt: That "rgly emotion"

. I7e know that recognizing and dealing wid. g"iltis always a part of the healthy grieving process.

. lvluch more complicated when it is a sibling, due

to the natural process of sibling rivalry.

Stories of Siblings ExpedencingFeelings of Guilt

. Sarah: Had always been iealous of attention hersick little sister received

. Jerry: Felt since he was the big brother heshould have been able to prevent the accident

. Meghan: Couldn't remember that she had beenin the toom

. Joe: Was always afiaid of huting his litde sister.

. Jpsh gol hit by :rdresser" It was inlhair roon-

Fear as a Reaction to Sibling's Death

. He died and he was iust a kid---<ould I die too?

. Not just old people die.

. Sometimes I didn't want him around and he

died--did I make that happen?

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Stodes of Children ExpetiencingFear after Sibling's Death

. Jack: Watching his baby brother's heart beating

. Janet: "Then I died"

Sense of an Ongoing Relationshipwith Sibling

. Ben: Wanted to die, savr his brother's spirit

. Jack Singing to his baby brother

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Remembering While Going On

. It's okay to temember the whole person. Yorxsibling was not a saint

. You are special too! (Closing circle, say each

child's name three timesl)

. Ok to go on living, be happy!

Helping Parents Help Their Kids

. Deal with their own grief: If they're okay, theirkids will be okay.

' Keep pictures, stories, memorializingto a

healthy minirnum.. Understand their children's reactions (books are

helptul here)

. Tendency to be overprotective can be harmfirl

. Not the child'iob to care for the parent

Children and their Patents'Reactions

, Bill's mom wories about him getting hurt.

' Sherry was iealous of attention mom gave her

litde sister.

. Ray worried about making mom feel better.

. Sarah didn't get enough of mom's time.

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Helping Patents Help their Chil&en

. Separate group for parents to help them deal

vrith their own feelings.

' Tell parents what children are doing, how theycan connect with their feelings.

. Closing Ceremony: Teli your childrensomething really special about themselves

You can make a differencein the lives of these

children, ahfe longdifference!

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