50WAYSto help a chronically ill friend

Make them a gift!It does not have to be much!

Buy them things to cheer them up after you’ve gone. An inexpensive colorful top, a bright umbrella, a teddy bear or cartoon...

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If they don’t have a cordless phone, it would make a great gift! Comfortable phone headsets or phones with speaker capability make keeping in touch with friends even easier. 6.

Be flexible and never make them feel guilty about things they cannot do. Chronic illnesses do not give schedules of flares or unexpect-ed issues – we do not know in advance how we will be feeling.

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If they need to cry, let them and just be there for them. Never say “don’t cry” or “this isn’t worth crying about.”11.

If you know that someone with a chronic illness is flaring or is de-pressed or just because, send them a card or a gift. It’s doesn’t have to be much! Just the thought will make their day.1.

Treat them to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service like Amazon rentals. It doesn’t have to cost much and even a few months rental can be a great gift.2.

Buy them a gift of a favourite maga-zine subscription. Having a chronic illness can be truly tedious at times, especially as you may not be able to get out to get things like magazines or may not be able to afford them. 4.

Give them a gift of an attrac-tive plant like a rose bush that could be viewed from a window and say part of the gift is planting service!

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Read the Spoon Theory and send them a link. It can be an amazing encouragement to chronically ill people to know that someone else understand their life. 7.

How to support them emotionally?

Just listen, until it hurts to not say anything. And then listen some more. Chronically ill people usually have a lot to get off their chests and often feel they can’t burden the people around them. Let them know they can talk to you and you’ll listen.

If the situation arises, ask “Would you be willing to talk to a friend of mine who has recently been diag-nosed with a chronic illness and offer her some encouragement?” It makes one feel good to know that our experience can offer someone else hope.

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We should be careful!

Be easy going guests if you go visit. Don’t expect entertainment, but also be prepared to do things if wanted.

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Check that your perfume/aftershave is okay with them. Many people with chronic illnesses end up with chemical sensitivities where some smells can make them physically ill. They may not want to offend you even if you are unconcious-ly making them feel worse! 17.

And remember that while help is always welcome, do not make a chronically ill person into your personal project – at least not so they notice. Constant suggestions can be stressful in themselves. Be subtle and be prepared to take a step back if needed.18.

Be their advocate. If you are at an event and walking/seating is an issue because of their disability, ask if they’d like you to take care of it. If they say you can, be firm but not rude. Don’t embarrass them by making accusations of discrimina-tion or by making a scene.14.

If your friend has a disabled parking placard and you are driving, allow them to tell you where they want to park. They may not want to park in the “blue space.” It’s a sign of independence and a striving for normality and should be encouraged.

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Take easily prepared food like fresh bread, dips and cheese/cold meats, or pop out to the shops for something, if you visit a chronically ill friend. Asking if anything is needed for dinner or offering to pay for a takeaway are also wonderful.

If the chronically ill person has a baby, children or even a dog, ask if they would like a break sometimes. You may not even have to take the children/dog out – just having someone prepared to come round and look after them can mean a decent nap or a long bath can be taken.

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Cronically ill people have symptoms that never ever go away and no one without a chronic illness can ever truly under-stand that. Be careful with simple throw-away phrases like “I know just what you mean” – you probably don’t! 13.

Always ask before touching or hugging and never give them a power handshake or a friendly biff on the shoulder. Many people with chronic illnesses may be in a lot of pain.This changes all the time, so don’t stop hugging them, just check first and be gentle.

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It is nice to do!

19.

Ask them if they’d like to join you for a spontaneous event, whether it’s a local concert, a picnic or just a trip to town. Although it may seem like they cannot go anywhere without lots of planning, if you get them on a good day, then they’ll know then and there they can go!

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Understand that they live in a con-stant state of making decisions for which there is no guarantee they are making the right choice.

Research support in their area and then send them no emails or notes about it.

Educate yourself. Look up their illness online and if they are having new treatments, try to learn a little about them. Don’t use your knowledge to try and to correct the patient – they may simply be more up-to-date with research than whatever you read. Educate yourself and only educate the patient if they ask.

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If you live locally, easy meals in Tupperware contain-ers dropped off at the house can be a lifesaver, especially if you don’t need the container straight away so it can be frozen. Just make sure you know what they can and cannot eat before-hand! Many chronic illnesses come with dietary restrictions, and these can change with time.

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Encourage them to research their illness and never tell them it’s making them worse. Self-advocacy in chronically ill patients has been proven to be ben-eficial to the patients and can be their best hope of gettign a diagnosis, appropriate treatment and coming to terms with their illness.

If you drive somewhere, ask if they’d like to be dropped off while you park. If you go for a picnic or to the beach, be aware that they may not be able to sit on the ground so bring a few folding chairs or cushions. Walking from one shop to another may mean they need a rest before carrying on shopping. Trying to think about these things beforehand and to be accomodating will help alot… they are likely to not want to make a fuss and you helping in small ways can make a huge difference.29.

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Encourage them to make a (preferably online) wish list and to add anything they find that could make their lives easier. Financial difficulties often go hand-in-hand with a chronic illness and just because we know of something that could help us, doesn’t mean we can afford it! Then encourage other friends and family to check the wish list for present ideas.

Don’t forget the carers. Many chronically ill people are looked after by spouses or parents, even children. Giving the carer respite breaks, calling them up and asking “how are you doing?” and let-ting them talk to you frankly or even finding them support, as you might do for the chronically ill person, will all help.

It’s likely that they will be unwilling to ask for help, but will still need it. If you want to help out, try not to ask “What can I do?” which either invites the answer “oh nothing” or means thought is needed. Instead, think of something you would be prepared to do and ask “Is it okay if I do... for you?”.25. 26.

28.

See if there is any way you can enable them to do a loved hob-by that their illness restricts.

Make sure they have an answer-ing machine to screen calls when they feel ill…and don’t get of-fended or call back repeatedly if you get put through to the answering machine!

Recognise that pain and extreme tiredness can make anyone irritable and that various medications can affect behaviour. If your friend does or says something rude or hurtful, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Ask what time of day is good for calls or visits. They may have a nap schedule they need to keep to or they may know that at certain times of day they’ll feel worse and won’t be up to polite conversation.

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Simple acts of kindness like holding the door open are lovely.

Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”

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Never do!Never criticise someone for taking medications that may be addictive, even if they are ones with bad asso-ciations like methadone. Pain relief or illness treat-ment options can be very limited and it is far better for someone to have medi-cation that makes their life bearable even if it is addictive, than to be in awful pain forever. 38.

Never call them names related to their disability, like “hop-a-long” - at least not until they do it first and then be careful.

If chronically ill friend is learn-ing to accept that their illness may be lifelong, don’t tell him/ her the illness is winning and they’re giving in to it. They are simply being realistic! 43. 44.

Don’t not invite them to things because you don’t think they’ll be able to come.

Never smoke around chronically ill people who don’t smoke. As well as chemical sensitivities, they may have breathing issues or the smoke might cause problems with a weak or sup-pressed immune system. 40. 41.

If you’re coming for a visit or even just to go out some-where, call and check it’s still okay before you leave.

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If they have to stop work or receive disability benefits never say “well, aren’t you lucky. I’d love to sit on the sofa all day and get money for it”. Most chronically ill people would dearly love to be able to work and be independent…and sitting on the sofa soon gets very frustrating if that’s really all you can do.

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Never tease someone about how long they spend in the bathroom…don’t even mention it. If they’re tak-ing a long time or going frequently, it’s because they need to!

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If you’re going out with a chronically ill friend and they mention they would like to or would normally use a mobility scooter, wheelchair, escalator, lift/elevator, etc don’t complain that it’ll take longer or draw stares. 42.

Don’t pester them to try something you read or heard about and think might help. If you really think it might help, send them a newspa-per cutting and leave it to them to decide whether to follow it up or not.

Never assume they cannot do some-thing without asking. It may be that it is something they can do on a good day and would like to, or that for them it is worth having to spend days resting before and afterwards.

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Never say “maybe you’re not that sick after all”, “it can’t hurt that much”, “you just have a low pain threshold” or minimise or trivialise the symptoms in any way. We get this enough from incompetent doctors when seeking a diagnosis. 50.

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Don’t tell them about your brother’s niece’s cousin’s best friend who tried a cure for the same illness and. . . (you know the rest).

If your friend misses a special event in your life, don’t be grumpy about it. Let them know that they are still a spe-cial person to them and you want them to be part of your life even if they couldn’t be there on the day. 49.48.