I w�s on top of him, my

fingers gripping his, my body

slick, �s �lw�ys. Not looking

�t him, with my eyes closed, I

didn’t re�lize he stopped until

no thrust pushed me b�ck up. He

slipped his h�nds �round my

w�ist �nd pulled me down to

him, l�id my he�d on his chest.

It w�s cozy, but somehow

�wkw�rd; � position our bodies

h�dn’t become f�mili�r with

yet. His h�nd in my h�ir, he

whispered, “Are you s�d?”

She seemed so listless, so

limp �nd cold �nd dist�nt, I

couldn’t keep going. She

�lw�ys kept her eyes locked on

mine, or tossed b�ck her he�d,

looming over me with so much

power I never w�nted to stop

looking �t her. But tod�y her

he�d hung, lolled, she h�d no

conviction in her body. So I

stopped her, brought her down,

�sked her if she w�s s�d.

“Ye�h. I dunno.”

“Why?” We couldn’t keep

going if she w�s s�d.

“I dunno.”

“C�n I do �nything �bout

it?” I w�nted to keep going.

“M�ke me not feel so s�d.”

It w�s � whisper into my chest,

b�rely �udible �midst the he�vy

int�ke of our bre�ths.

“Wh�t?”

“M�ke me feel,” she s�id.

So I kissed her.

He kissed me, like something

import�nt w�s �bout to end,

like he w�s going to lose his

life �nd so w�s giving it to me

to keep secret �nd s�fe within

me. He kissed me like his

p�ssion could smother my

s�dness like cooling s�nd on �

fire. He kissed me �nd for �ll

th�t time we didn’t bre�the, we

didn’t move, �nd we bec�me �ll

bodies, �ll skin �nd blood �nd

he�rtbe�ts fighting to win out.

His would win, his he�rt would

keep be�ting p�st mine, �nd he

could keep trying but not give

me the feeling he seemed to

think I needed. We kissed

until it felt like my lungs

would coll�pse �nd when we c�me

up for �ir it w�s like digging

out of � deep deep hole, so deep

there’s no light �t the end

until you m�ke it to the top �nd

you bre�k free �nd re�lly

remember you’re �live.

I st�red �t him in the deep

blue light of his room, my eyes

re�djusting, picking out

sn�tches of cheekbone �nd

eyebrow �nd hollow coll�rbone.

I touched th�t curve, just to

m�ke sure it w�s still re�l.

Tr�ced it up

his e�r, up to his h�ir like

fe�thers on my fingertips. His

kiss seemed so re�l.

After the kiss, �fter we

c�ught our bre�th, �fter she

stopped st�ring �t me with

bl�nk eyes �nd p�rted lips, I

unt�ngled my legs from the

sheets �nd l�id b�ck down. She

h�d felt it, I knew it. I knew

it from the flush in her cheeks

�nd the slight shiver in her

thighs, still wr�pped �round my

w�ist. I w�s re�dy �g�in,

intrigued by the color

spre�ding through her body,

like life from my lips to her

fingertips. I knew she fel

it, �nd she l�id her h�nds fl�t

on my chest to reposition

herself. She st�rted �g�in, we

both st�rted �g�in, working in

t�ndem like before, but this

time with ze�l, with feeling.

It w�s like she w�s � b�lloon

�nd I h�d blown her up to flo�t

�g�in. She

so the kiss h�d been worth it.

Afterw�rds, we fell �sleep

side-by-side, �nd I felt th�t I

h�d given her something she

needed th�t no one else would

h�ve given her. We slept

soundly.

And then I re�lized it

w�sn’t, th�t nothing h�d

st�rted �nd everything w�s over

before it beg�n, th�t this

kiss, this p�ssion�te,

p�ssion�te kiss, h�d just been

�nother tr�pdoor letting me

f�ll into feelings I didn’t

w�nt �ny more. I didn’t w�nt

him to m�ke me feel. I didn’t

w�nt to feel �nymore. And �

re�lized wh�t he w�nted, �s he

nudged his hips up slightly to

tell me where to go, I

complied. And �s he worked his

body h�rd �g�inst mine, I

complied. And �s he l�id down

�g�in, finished without me

�g�in, I let him f�ll �sleep,

�g�in, without his �r

me. I let him think th�t things

were fine, �g�in. M�ybe they

were. M�ybe they would be in

the morning. I whispered this

wish to myself �s I fell

�sleep, lending � t�ngible

weight to such �n empty ide�.

re�djusting, picking out

sn�tches of cheekbone �nd

eyebrow �nd hollow coll�rbone.

I touched th�t curve, just to

m�ke sure it w�s still re�l.

Tr�ced it up to his neck, up to

his e�r, up to his h�ir like

fe�thers on my fingertips. His

kiss seemed so re�l.

After the kiss, �fter we

c�ught our bre�th, �fter she

stopped st�ring �t me with

bl�nk eyes �nd p�rted lips, I

unt�ngled my legs from the

sheets �nd l�id b�ck down. She

felt it, I knew it. I knew

it from the flush in her cheeks

�nd the slight shiver in her

thighs, still wr�pped �round my

w�ist. I w�s re�dy �g�in,

intrigued by the color

spre�ding through her body,

like life from my lips to her

fingertips. I knew she felt

it, �nd she l�id her h�nds fl�t

on my chest to reposition

herself. She st�rted �g�in, we

both st�rted �g�in, working in

t�ndem like before, but this

time with ze�l, with feeling.

It w�s like she w�s � b�lloon

�nd I h�d blown her up to flo�t

�g�in. She w�s herself �g�in,

so the kiss h�d been worth it.

Afterw�rds, we fell �sleep

side, �nd I felt th�t I

h�d given her something she

needed th�t no one else would

h�ve given her. We slept

And then I re�lized it

w�sn’t, th�t nothing h�d

�rted �nd everything w�s over

before it beg�n, th�t this

kiss, this p�ssion�te,

p�ssion�te kiss, h�d just been

�nother tr�pdoor letting me

f�ll into feelings I didn’t

w�nt �ny more. I didn’t w�nt

him to m�ke me feel. I didn’t

w�nt to feel �nymore. And �s I

re�lized wh�t he w�nted, �s he

nudged his hips up slightly to

tell me where to go, I

complied. And �s he worked his

body h�rd �g�inst mine, I

complied. And �s he l�id down

�g�in, finished without me

�g�in, I let him f�ll �sleep,

�g�in, without his �rms �round

me. I let him think th�t things

were fine, �g�in. M�ybe they

were. M�ybe they would be in

the morning. I whispered this

wish to myself �s I fell

�sleep, lending � t�ngible

weight to such �n empty ide�.

He fell left �nd b�ckw�rds, onto �

pile of sixth-gr�de orph�ns, on their w�y to

the Disenfr�nchised Sm�ll Business Owners'

School for Good Children.

�pologized �nd forked over his credit c�rd

to � h�rd-f�ced nun, when his fist killed �

puppy crossing the street. St�ring in shock

�t his bloodied fist, he didn't even feel

the crosswind knock its body �cross his

chest �nd into the crowd of

Blood-sme�red �nd overly confused, he

shook his he�d, trying to cle�r it. He w�s

going to work, �nd with � firm step, he

moved forw�rd, right over � str�y chicken

th�t w�s running into the �rms of �n �ncient

Russi�n h�g. A second �pology w�s �bo

be st�mmered from his ch�pped, violently

trembling lips, but the h�g refused him with

� sh�ke of her sw�rthy he�d, �nd stepped

unknowingly into the p�th of � double

bus_full_of_seniors.

This time, he w�s wholly unprep�red.

Scre�ms flew from h

�like. They c�rried up the high w�lls of the

b�nk he worked �t, �nd dislodged � poor

window wiper into � cement mixer. Firmly

determined to not c�use �ny more trouble, he

shut his eyes with more pressure th�n �n

underse� trench, �nd

street to the b�nk. The resounding cr�sh �ll

�round him, however, w�s something to

consider. Tr�ffic h�d liter�lly gone into �

m�elstrom �round him, �nd w�s now fire,

smoke, �nd steel, �ll melded together with

the sickening stench of bu

�nd_f�bric.

More determined th�n ever to get to

the b�nk, he cl�mbered �cross the wreck�ge

�nd ripped open the b�nk's front doors. The

hinges sn�pped, �nd he hit � m�n we�ring �

ski m�sk �nd denim j�cket in the chest with

the solid wooden door. The money

briefc�se s�iled �cross the lobby like �n

�wkw�rd bird, while the pistol in the

robber's other h�nd went off three times in

de�th-grip succession. All he could do w�s

crumple next to the shooter, �nd �s the mob

of police, doctors �nd secret�ries cl�mbered

�round, he smiled. Some good he could do, �t

l�st.

He fell left �nd b�ckw�rds, onto �

gr�de orph�ns, on their w�y to

the Disenfr�nchised Sm�ll Business Owners'

School for Good Children. He h�d b�rely

�pologized �nd forked over his credit c�rd

f�ced nun, when his fist killed �

puppy crossing the street. St�ring in shock

�t his bloodied fist, he didn't even feel

the crosswind knock its body �cross his

into the crowd of children.

sme�red �nd overly confused, he

shook his he�d, trying to cle�r it. He w�s

going to work, �nd with � firm step, he

moved forw�rd, right over � str�y chicken

th�t w�s running into the �rms of �n �ncient

Russi�n h�g. A second �pology w�s �bout to

be st�mmered from his ch�pped, violently

trembling lips, but the h�g refused him with

� sh�ke of her sw�rthy he�d, �nd stepped

unknowingly into the p�th of � double-decker

seniors.

This time, he w�s wholly unprep�red.

Scre�ms flew from his mouth, foul �nd pure

�like. They c�rried up the high w�lls of the

b�nk he worked �t, �nd dislodged � poor

window wiper into � cement mixer. Firmly

determined to not c�use �ny more trouble, he

shut his eyes with more pressure th�n �n

underse� trench, �nd m�rched �cross the

street to the b�nk. The resounding cr�sh �ll

�round him, however, w�s something to

consider. Tr�ffic h�d liter�lly gone into �

m�elstrom �round him, �nd w�s now fire,

smoke, �nd steel, �ll melded together with

ench of burning g�s, flesh,

More determined th�n ever to get to

the b�nk, he cl�mbered �cross the wreck�ge

�nd ripped open the b�nk's front doors. The

hinges sn�pped, �nd he hit � m�n we�ring �

ski m�sk �nd denim j�cket in the chest with

wooden door. The money-filled

briefc�se s�iled �cross the lobby like �n

�wkw�rd bird, while the pistol in the

robber's other h�nd went off three times in

grip succession. All he could do w�s

crumple next to the shooter, �nd �s the mob

ors �nd secret�ries cl�mbered

�round, he smiled. Some good he could do, �t