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Reflecting Content

Goal

To draw out more of the persons story by showing that you are listening.

Tips

Repeat back to the person the facts that they have just shared.

Summarize long stories.

Dont assume you understand the storymissing the main point can lead to

confusion for both of you. Dont add !uestions" commentary" or suggestions.

#ractice reflecting content in your daily conversations at home and work.

Takeaway

$ou know youve done a good job reflecting when the person provides you with

additional information.

Example

Person%& have so much on my plate. & have a huge project due tomorrow" and my in'laws are

coming over this weekend.(

Listener%$ou have a big project to work on" and your in'laws are coming.(

Person%$eah" the project wouldnt be such a big deal" if my in'laws werent coming too.

)ow & have to clean the house and entertain them" while worrying about my project.(

Reflecting Emotion

Goal

To help persons e*amine and articulate their emotions" while showing them that you care

about their feelings.

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Tips

+isten for key words.

Repeat back e*pressed emotions.

+isten for underlying emotion and tentatively suggest a word to label it.

&ts okay if you label emotions incorrectly.

Takeaway

+abeling emotions helps the person e*amine his or her emotions.

Example 1

Person%,y husband never takes out the garbage when & ask him to" and he grumbles when

he finally does take it out- &m so frustrated with him-(

Listener%$oure frustrated with your husband.(

Person%$es" &m so frustrated with him- &t wouldnt kill him to help out a little.(

Example 2

Person%,y mom keeps calling me to help her. +ike" every day. & have my own life to live-(

Listener%&t sounds like you are feeling

frustrated with your mom.(

Person%& dont know if &d say &m frustrated. &m more angry with her for being so demanding.(

Asking Questions

Goal

To guide the conversation to the pertinent issues and to clarify the persons meaning.

Benefts

elps you to understand the persons e*perience on another level.

elps the person e*plore his or her motives.

/uides the person to greater understanding.

0ocuses the conversation.

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Tips

/ood !uestions go beyond asking for more details of a story.

1sk open'ended !uestions.

Dont ask too many !uestions.

2hen someone is vague or nonspecific" ask for clarification rather than make

assumptions.

1sk !uestions such as the following3

o ow would you like her to respond4

o 2hat is the most important thing you want him to understand4

o 2hat needs to change4

o 2hat do you like about this situation4

o 2hat is the worst'case scenario4

Takeaway

1llow the deeper issues guide your !uestions rather than the content.

Example 1

Person%& think &ll talk to my son about his girlfriend. 2hen he was younger" he really

looked to me to guide him" and & guess &ve been too scared to confront him in recent years.

5ut & feel really strongly about this situation" and &m his dad" after all.(

Listener%2hat is the best'case scenario when you think about how your son will react4(

Person%& guess he could listen to me and hear me out. ,aybe he will see my perspective and

reconsider this relationship.(

Listener%2hat would be his worst reaction4(

Person%2ell" he could get really angry and do the opposite of what & want him to do. e is

pretty stubborn" so thats a real possibility. 5ut & think & can handle that. 6ven if he gets

angry" & will have done my best to get through to him.(

Example 2

Person%& cant believe & overate again- & was doing so well this whole week" and & ruined it

completely. &m a failure" & just need to face it. Talking to my e* didnt help.(

Listener%$ou feel frustrated at this failure. 5ut youve also lost a lot of weight over the past

few months. 2hat do you think about these two facts4(

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Person%2ell" & guess & have done pretty good to have lost as much weight as & have. ,aybe

failure isnt the right word.(

Self Evaluation

Goal

To determine your strengths and weaknesses in listening to others.

Tips

1void giving advice 7 easy to move from helpful challenges to hurtful criticisms.

1void making assumptions 7 can lead to difficulties connecting with the person. +isten for comments that are confusing8 unclear and ask !uestions to clarify.

1void judgmental thoughts by understanding that the person is likely making the

best decision that they can in their particular situation.

Do not try to convert the person to your religion or belief system 7 9 :ups of Tea

emphasizes active listening.

Takeaway

:ontinually try to improve your listening skills.

Example

Person%/race is ready to get her drivers license. &m worried about my daughter on the

road" driving around. There are so many crazy drivers out there-(

Listener%$oure worried about /race being on the road.( ;good< vs %2hy wont you let

your daughter get her license4( ;assumption