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7 Major Mistakes That Single Women Make That Block Them From Finding True Love … And How To Avoid Them

Orna: Hi, I’m Orna Walters. Matthew: I’m Matthew Walters. Orna: we are Master Relationship Coaches and dedicated to busting the myth that love is

supposed to happen by accident. Matthew: Welcome to our no-‐‑cost training “7 Things You Don’t Know You’re Doing That

Block You From Love and how to change that.” This program is designed to help you break out of your old relationship patterns so that you can create the love you want.

Orna: In order to create love you need to discover the patterns that are currently in your

way. This program is designed to do just that. We’re so excited you are joining on this journey to love …

Matthew: Where we’re going to share with you, seven things you don’t know you’re doing

that block you from love and what you can do to change that. Orna: These are the biggest mistakes that we see people make in relationship and because

they aren’t aware of them, they make these mistakes over and over again. Matthew: So this call is for anyone who’s seeking to create the relationship they most desire,

whether you’re already in a relationship, you’ve been in a relationship in the past or you want to be in a relationship, you’re going to greatly benefit from this call.

Orna: What we want you to know is that we are master relationship coaches, not because

we did it all right. We didn’t meet in high school or college, or even right after college. We didn’t meet until after 40 and what we want you to know is that it doesn’t matter what “mistakes” you may have made in the past, because we know if we were able to turn things around and create this true soul partnership that if that’s what you desire for yourself that’s what you can do too.

We want to let you know that we’re regular people just like you, we just happened

to make love a priority.

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It ticks us off that on some level we’re taught from a very young age that everything

we want in life, everything worth having we should be intentional and purposeful about creating, except love. We’re told that love will just magically happen one day and that’s wreaking havoc on our relationships.

Matthew: So all the songs, all the movies, poems and books that really want you to buy into

this idea that someday you’re just going to stumble into somebody at the supermarket, your eyes are going to meet and it’s all magically going to work out and you’ll live happily ever after.

We know that’s not working. There’s a 50% divorce rate on marriages in this country

and it goes up to 75% by the time we get to third marriages. We are not getting better at relationship. We like to say there’s nothing more romantic than creating a vision of what you want, looking at the obstacles that are in your way, overcoming those obstacles and creating that thing you really want. Taking action to get what you want.

Orna: That’s what we’re going to share with you here, because these seven things you

don’t know you’re doing, well, you don’t know you’re doing them so how can you stop unless you know what you’re doing wrong to begin with. That’s why we want to share these things with you.

Before we jump in to those seven things, we just want to share for those people who

are new to our community, welcome, and we also want to tell you a little about us if you’re new to us, Orna and Matthew, as well as Creating Love On Purpose. I just want to let you know that my story doesn’t start off pretty.

I know a lot of people look at the life I have now and the work I do with Matthew

and they think that I’m somehow lucky. I want you to know that luck has nothing to do with it. I was actually born into a family where there was just a lot of abuse in my childhood home, emotional and physical. My mom is a holocaust survivor and my dad, for lack of a better word is a rage-‐‑a-‐‑holic.

My dad was incredibly violent. I never knew what was going to set him off and it

was terrifying to be brought up in that home, because I never really felt safe in my home and yet I didn’t really feel safe out of my home either. So when there’s abuse in your home environment from when you’re a small child it really creates an interesting dynamic.

Matthew and I, in our work, we talk about your love imprint. Your love imprint is

how you learn to receive love in your family of origin. These people that I’m dependent upon, when I was a small child, whom I loved and who say they love me, are also harming me and are emotionally and physically abusive.

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It creates an interesting dynamic and I’ll tell you that I know I’m smart and that

being smart really has nothing to do with anything when it comes to creating love on purpose. It wasn’t until after I had graduated from UCLA with honors that I found myself in a relationship with a guy that I really thought was the guy. I knew that my smarts were my ticket out of the crazy house where I grew up.

So I went to college and put myself through school and here I was several years after

that in this relationship with a guy who I was so drawn to and like wow, about. He really blew my socks off from the moment we met and I was actually in a relationship when we met. I got out of that relationship and broke up with my current boyfriend and went right into the relationship with this guy.

I had never done that before. I had never gone from one relationship to another like

that, there was always space in between, even though they never really ended well and I had my heart broken a lot. In this case I actually did go from one relationship right to the next. After being together about 16 months, we were living together at that time and it was, it was New Years Eve 94’, which is a night I won’t forget, because that night he beat me and it was the wake-‐‑up call of a lifetime.

After that event and I pieced my life back together, I really wanted to know how that

happened. How was it that I managed to choose someone to “love”? How did I choose this person and they would end up harming me, when the last thing I wanted was to choose someone who would harm me? My love imprint spells it out, because love to me, in my family of origin, had all this pain and abuse wrapped into it.

So looking back I was able to connect the dots and then unwind them. That’s really

what Matthew and I have made our life’s work ever since, because it doesn’t matter if there’s a huge disparity between what you desire and what’s familiar, you will choose what’s familiar over and over again, whether it’s a big difference like in my case or a tiny difference like Matthew will explain for him.

Matthew: Yes and not all of us had such a dramatic upbringing as Orna, and yet we still

struggle in love. I come from, for lack of a better description, a very normal family. My parents have been married for 56 years and are still together. All of my siblings are married and only one was divorced, while everyone else is in their first marriages.

So, looking at it from the outside you’d say that’s a pretty normal, healthy family.

However, my family has one interesting quality and that is, like many families they aren’t good at expressing emotion to each other. The way they let you know they like you is that they make fun of you and pick on you.

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Now that I’m an adult and I get it, and I’m no longer caught up in it I actually think it’s very sweet. When Orna first met my family over the holidays years ago, they didn’t really talk to her that much, but after a couple days they started picking on her and making fun and she got it. She was like oh, they like me. The truth is as a small child we don’t understand those distinctions.

Orna mentioned this idea of a love imprint, how we learn to receive love in our

family of origin and the problem we all make is that we put that outside of us. We say this is how love was given to me and that’s flawed, so these people need to change, but the truth is the mistake gets made by us. I can’t tell you how old I was, whether I was two, a year and a half or whatever.

At some point, the learning I got from the fact that my family liked to tease me was

that there was something wrong with me. I started believing there was something wrong with me and that if I asked for what I wanted and if I behaved in a way that said this is who I really am, then I would get picked on and made fun of. I had three older brothers and we did a lot of that.

So I grew up not being myself. In relationship how that showed up was that I was

really attracted to women who weren’t interested in me. I like to chase rejection, because that’s what love felt like. If someone was rejecting me then that must be love because that’s what I understood it to be in my family of origin.

Then, when I would meet someone who’d be like wow, you’re a really great guy,

you’re cute, my first thought was… what’s wrong with you and my second thought was… wait till you get to know me. Because I was going to sabotage that relationship, because how could anybody love me since I didn’t love myself. So any time someone showed up that really loved me, I knew there was something wrong and I had to change that.

I had to prove to them that I was not lovable, to the point that I got accused of, by

almost all the women I dated through my 30s, of being commitment phobic. To all the women listening, you may know a guy like this who’s commitment phobic and you may want him to change, but the truth is it has to be up to him. In my mid 30s I finally woke up and said I’m not happy. I want a relationship and I don’t have one. I don’t know how to maintain a relationship. I’m not any good at relationships.

So I began looking at myself and what was going on with me. I began taking

responsibility for the choices I had made and the choices I was making, which changed everything. When that started happening the quality of my life started changing as well as the quality of my relationships.

I became more authentic, to the point of the summer before I met Orna I was dating

this woman who was, “everything on my list”. She was a yoga teacher, a meditator,

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a very spiritual person. She rode her bike everywhere. She was very health conscious. She was vegan. She was all the things that I thought I was looking for.

However, she had this one interesting quirk, in that she would say you’re a really

great guy but and then she would tell me something that was wrong with me, something I didn’t do well or something she didn’t like about me. Me being on this path of personal growth and responsibility I thought, okay, I can see how somebody wouldn’t like that I can change that and I would go work with my coaches and mentors at the time and come back and she’d be like you changed that that’s great.

Then literally hours if not just days later there would be something else she didn’t

like about me. We played this out all summer. It was a very dramatic and tumultuous relationship, until I finally got why she showed up in my life. The reason she showed up was to show me that I was not fully self accepting, of who I was and as soon as I got that message I was done playing that game with her and I could move on from that relationship.

Two weeks later I met Orna and about a month into dating we were sitting over

dinner having a conversation, I don’t even know what prompted it, but she said to me, you’re perfect as you are I don’t need you to change a thing. For the first time in my life I could hear that, receive it and not think, wait until you get to know me better.

That’s been our relationship ever since. We were in our 40s, so it took us that long to

figure it out. We put together this work, this event and even this call so it doesn’t take those of you who are younger than us, that long and those of you who are older than us, so that you finally get what’s going on so you can make the changes necessary to get what you want.

Orna: Because what’s in your way isn’t something that’s in your conscious mind and we’ll

share more about that in a moment. How do you know if this call is right for you? This call is going to help you out if any of these things sound familiar to you.

• Maybe you’re someone who’s constantly giving up what you want in order

to make things work and you’re tired of feeling angry, resentful in relationship.

Mathew:

• Maybe you find it impossible to get your needs met in relationship and probably can’t even identify what your needs are.

Orna:

• Maybe you find that you’re constantly nagging your partner and pulling your hair out trying to get everything done.

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Matthew:

• Maybe you’ve completely given up and decided that you’re just meant to be alone in this world.

Orna: Today we’re going to share as much as we can about how to become aware of these

subconscious mistakes and how to overcome them. Matthew: We’ll show you how exactly to go deeper into this work so you can have the greatest

thing of all, that you all really want, which is love. So if you’re currently in a relationship, and we understand feeling let down, not heard, not respected and not feeling loved for who you really are.

Orna: And if you’re single and you want to have love, we understand the hurt,

heartbroken, let down, cheated, feeling defeated, wanting a partnership, so you can have someone to share your life with.

Matthew: So we get it, so let’s jump right in. We all want to know what these seven things are,

so let’s jump in with the first of the seven things that are blocking you from love and how to overcome them.

Orna: Number one of seven is…

1. Making it easy for him. Matthew: If you’re a man listening to this, don’t hang up on the call just yet, because the other

things will apply to you even though this one is particular to women and the biggest mistake that we see women making from the first date all the way through many years of marriage.

Orna: So this is the deal, if you’re making it easy for him than you’re never letting him play

the role of being the man for you. If you’re a woman who’s in a relationship with a man or you want to be in a relationship with a man, it is so important that you give this man the opportunity to step things up.

Matthew: We’ll explain what we’re talking about here with this, making it too easy for him.

We had a client we were working with and she just started dating this guy. They were in the initial stages of flirting actually, and she came to us because she was like, I really want this to work this time. What do I need to do?

We taught her how to speak her feelings, to be authentic and how to make requests.

This is important, the idea of making it so easy for him. We taught her that and what

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he said when he started hearing what she needed from him was I guess I’m going to have to bring my ‘A’ game with you. That’s such an interesting statement right, which implies that this and a lot of other guys have a ‘B’, ‘C’, ‘D’, ‘E’ and maybe even ‘F’ game. So he was going to step up and bring his ‘A’ game because she was asking him to.

Orna: John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, is someone who we

really admire, look up to and think his work is phenomenal and he has this saying about how men are. He says, ‘men have an efficiency gene.’ What’s interesting about thinking of it in this way is it’s how men are hardwired, in that they’re only wired to do what they have to do.

So if you’re making it easy for a man through the dating process and an entire

relationship where he never has to step up and do those things that maybe he doesn’t like or want to do, because you’re making it so easy. We always say to women if you’re dating somebody and they live across town, have them come to you. They’re always so shocked and say things like, shouldn’t I meet them in the middle? Shouldn’t I go to his place sometime? Yes, there’s a time for that for sure, but not in the early dating process.

One of the biggest complaints we hear from women all the time is they’ll say I was

dating this guy for three/four months and then I had the conversation about where is this relationship going and he says things are fine I didn’t need anything to change, I’m not really looking for a relationship.

If you find that you’re in this place of constantly having somebody say I’m not

looking for a relationship, the way to always know whether a man is looking for a relationship is to have him step it up. If a man is pursuing you, he will pursue you for a relationship. A man will easily sit back and let you do all the work, coordinate all the dates and let you come to him so he’s hoping to get some sex or have a good time, but he’s not looking for a relationship.

A man who wants a relationship will pursue you to be in a relationship. Matthew

and I met through a business networking group and he called me right out of the handbook of the group. He said hi, this is Matthew Walters and I’m calling to do some one-‐‑on-‐‑one networking with you so I can better refer business to you. I was busy and I said to him, I’m sorry I don’t know my schedule can I call you back? I got his number and I didn’t call him back.

It wasn’t on purpose I was just really busy and hadn’t gotten around to it yet. Then a

week later he called me again. He was already somewhat interested in me, so a man who wants a relationship will pursue for a relationship. We aren’t saying to play a game and make yourself busy, I was truly busy.

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Matthew: And we’re also not bagging on men either. We’re just saying that when a man is ready, when a man wants a relationship, he will stand up and take the actions necessary. He will pursue you, ask you out on a date and do the things that women say they want men to do, and he will only do them when he’s ready for a relationship.

If he is not ready for a relationship it doesn’t mean he wants to sit at home alone on a

Saturday night. It doesn’t mean he just wants to hang out with his buddies and never spend time with a woman. Men like the company of women, so if a woman is calling and making herself available or showing up and he doesn’t have to do anything. Any man who likes the woman is happy to let her do that so he can have the fun, the companionship of somebody of the opposite sex.

Orna: If you’re listening to this and you’re of the 20 something set and you’re like you are

out of touch, you just don’t know what’s happening out there now. We want to let you know that we have a niece that’s 25 and our lovely beautiful 25-‐‑year old niece, we’ve been coaching her for some time and she actually said to us at one point, I met this guy and he does all the things you told me, a guy who wants a relationship would do.

He was pursuing her for a relationship. He’d ask her out in advance. He’d call when

he would say he was going to call. All of these things and she was honest. She looked at us both and said I didn’t believe you. I honestly didn’t believe this was possible for someone in their 20s to behave this way. So all you naysayers out there that think this is something from the past, that’s not the case.

If you make it easy for a guy than yes, what does he have to do he doesn’t have to

step up? So if you’re a woman that wants a relationship than have a man step up to be in a relationship, that’s the only way you’ll know, so don’t make it easy for him.

Matthew: What we’re really talking about here is the understanding of masculine and feminine

energy, and how that works in relationship and that dynamic of finding a man who’s in his masculine and you stepping back and being in your feminine and the truth is, this could be a two-‐‑hour call just talking about this.

Let’s move on to the second thing you don’t know you’re doing that’s blocking you

from love. Orna: Number two of seven is…

2. Twisting into a pretzel to get love. We talk about this, if you’ve been around our community at all in the past, you’ve heard this one before. All of you who are new, this is the idea of what shape can I

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take? What can I say and do, to get this person to like me? Usually this starts early in a relationship because there’s that spark of attraction and the truth is we all want to be loved for who we really are, and yet on some level we’re terrified to show up as who we really are.

Matthew: So if you want someone to love you for who you really are, no strings attached, than you must be authentic. Many of us try to figure out what the other person wants and then we attempt to become that, which is this shape shifting, pretzel twisting we call it. It’s a recipe for disaster, because eventually you’re going to get tired of acting like you like that thing you don’t like.

You’ll get tired of acting like you’re a happy person in the morning when you’re not.

You’ll get tired of whatever façade you’re putting up, that you’ve had to put up because this person doesn’t like people who are really like the way you are. It’s just not fair to the person you’re with for you to do that.

Orna: Whenever we talk about this one I think of myself when I was in college, because

when I was in college, if I had this spark of attraction with a guy, I would likely jump through all kinds of hoops trying to make sure he liked me and trying to get in a relationship and there were actually a couple guys that, once there was a commitment of boyfriend/girlfriend, I literally would be like oh, I don’t even like him.

I didn’t like things about him. I’d be like ooh, I don’t want that guy to be my

boyfriend and I ended up accidentally breaking a bunch of hearts. I would twist into a pretzel, act like I really liked a guy, get him to like me, get him to commit and once I had the commitment, and I have to tell you I wasn’t chasing them, so it wasn’t about the chase. It wasn’t from that perspective it was just that I was so busy twisting into a pretzel trying to get a guy to like me that I had an attraction with, that I was so paying attention to who I was being I wasn’t even paying attention to who he was.

Then, once I got an inkling about who he was, I was like eek this isn’t what I want at

all. So, there’s really a bait and switch that goes on when you’re twisting into a pretzel and you’re not being authentic.

Matthew: We have a friend who’s a marriage and family therapist and she says, by far, the

number one issue when she starts working with a new couple is the husband says something like, you know, before we were married we used to… and then the wife looks at him and says yes, but now we’re married. As if, now we’re married I don’t have to do that thing anymore, that I never liked doing in the first place.

This is a bait and switch. Women aren’t the only ones who do this, because men do

this as well, so we certainly don’t want to point the finger at women. I had a very

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personal experience with this where I was dating a woman and it was always curious to me because she seemed to like everything that I liked, down to the point that when she bought a new bike so we could ride together, she bought the exact make and model that I had except she bought the female version.

I always thought it was a little weird. So one day I confronted her about it and she

says no, it’s true I actually do like all of those things. I said okay, great. The relationship progressed and we moved in together and that’s when things started to change. Suddenly she wasn’t as easy going. Suddenly she didn’t put up with as much of my stuff. Suddenly things weren’t as they appeared to be.

It wasn’t that she was pretending to like things that I liked it’s just that she was

pretending to be much more easy going about who I was than she really felt. She wanted me to change she just wasn’t telling me. That’s a bait and switch and it doesn’t feel good, and you know the best thing to happen after Orna and I got engaged and moved in together was nothing changed. She was exactly the same person and our relationship was exactly the same except now we were living together.

That’s what we want for all of you. We want you to feel like you can show up at the

beginning of a relationship and be authentically yourselves and not have to put on some mask or attempt to act like you really like something that you don’t like because you don’t need to.

Orna: So really this comes down to loving and accepting all the parts of you… the good,

the bad and the ugly. Be willing to show all those parts of you. We aren’t saying to show all of them on date number one, but by date number 17, 20, 27, 30, 40 or living together, yes. You have to be willing to allow yourself to be that person that maybe gets out of bed a little cranky in the morning, a little moody.

Maybe you’re that person who bounds out of bed, whatever it is that you’re not

trying to twist into a pretzel and be different trying to get love from somebody. Again, we’ll be hosting a live in-‐‑person event in Los Angeles in May. If you want to know more about this idea about how to love and accept all the parts of you, we’ll let you know how to join us. Stay tuned for that.

Now, we’re going to move on to number three of the seven you don’t know you’re

doing that are blocking you from love. Matthew:

3. This is an important one, one where you pretend that you don’t have any needs.

Orna: This one is really cross gender, because it’s prevalent in men and women. This is

something where it’s rampant in the relationships we hear about after they’ve fallen

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apart. There’s this romantic idea of love where there are no boundaries between the two people, it’s like you’re intertwined and one person. I know someone who was dating somebody and their sister would say to them, you guys have the same brain. I always thought that’s so creepy, but they thought it was cool.

So it all comes into this idea of pretending you don’t have any needs, because

drawing boundaries is an essential element to having respectful love, and when you pretend you don’t have any needs that is saying you don’t have any boundary between you and the other person. Expressing your needs is essential to having a true soul partnership.

Matthew: Another way that shows up in relationship is believing that your partner needs to be

a mind reader. This shows up in the form of, well if he loved me he would know or if she loved me she would know. Love has nothing to do with being able to read your mind.

Orna: It doesn’t come with a manual. When you fall in love with somebody you don’t

suddenly get a little manual about their brain and know exactly what they’re thinking and feeling. This idea of pretending that you have no needs, it’s really easy in the beginning of a relationship. It’s easy to start not express, because you have all of this really good juicy chemical reaction with that person so you aren’t speaking up. It’s really important that whatever your needs are that you let them know right off the bat.

And, that you continue to express them, whether you’ve been married 56 years like

Matthews parents or not, it’s important to have boundaries between the two of you, because if you don’t have the boundary guess what, that’s a co-‐‑dependent dysfunctional relationship.

I want to share with you this idea of respectful love and why I’m really passionate

about this idea, because for me it was essential. In my family of origin, wherever there’s abuse, abuse says there’s no boundary between you and me because abuse says I can do anything to you. As much as I love Matthew, that’s not appropriate. I can’t do anything to Matthew because there’s a respectful boundary between us, we’re two individual people.

Matthew is separate from me. We are interdependent in our relationship not co-‐‑

dependent and I’m going to share a short personal story about this particular learning for me.

I was in a relationship with a guy in the year 2000 named Steve. When that

relationship ended I was sad. I was trying to figure out why I had this relationship, like why this person? It was a process Matthew and I talk about in other parts of our work, it’s called finding the golden nugget of why you’re with somebody. My

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feeling is that everything happens for a reason and if I’m supposed to learn something or grow from someone and then I’m supposed to move forward towards my beloved.

So every relationship I was trying to mine for the golden nugget. With this ex-‐‑

boyfriend, after it was over I was trying to figure it out and what I realized is that Steve’s family certain has their dysfunction like every family does. But one of the things they do very different from my family of origin is that they loved one another respectfully.

I remember once being at his house and I hadn’t met his parents yet, it was pretty

early in our relationship. His mom called to say she was in the neighborhood and would it be all right for her to stop by. I was like wow, that was amazing, she called first she didn’t just show up at the door. What I learned when I was mining for the golden nuggets was that this idea that respectful love was something I really wanted.

So, in order to give love respectfully I had to learn how to give love respectfully and

that meant that I had to know what my needs were in relationship and ask for them to be met. I don’t expect my partner to be a mind reader. I don’t expect him to just know what it is I need or want.

Matthew: Oftentimes what happens, and we see this so much in couples we work with, is that

one of the partners has a need but they don’t express it or ask for it. They just assume that the other person knows. If you loved me you would know.

Then, as the weeks go on and their partner doesn’t do the thing they’re asking for

and still doesn’t do it, etc. eventually they get so frustrated that they go why aren’t you doing this for me? I’ve been wanting this for months and they look at you like you’re crazy. How could they possibly know that?

This is what we call the volcano. What happens with the volcano is you build up that

emotion, that need over and over until it explodes out of you where there’s lava on you, on your partner and it’s all this big mess. What we learn from this is that maybe we shouldn’t ask for what I want, because see what happens when I ask for what I want? It’s a big mess and there’s lava on everybody.

What we want you to understand is that when you get that you have to ask early before it builds up, then you can start that dance of relationship. The dance of relationship is when two people respect each other and their differences and their different needs and when two people don’t try to merge to become one. We love this idea that, you know, in a relationship there are actually three entities.

• Me • My partner

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• The relationship We make deposits into the relationship and we make withdrawals from the

relationship and that’s how we keep this thing healthy between us is because we realize, that like those ballroom dancers, there’s that space between us where may be touching but we’re not completely merged into one person.

Orna: Let’s move on to number four of the seven…

4. Avoiding conflict. Matthew: We’re told all the time that we have these sayings, don’t rock the boat, pick your

battles, etc. We have all these sayings about how to keep your mouth shut and be nice. Be nice. Don’t ask for what you want. Don’t speak up or express your anger, frustration or hurt. When we don’t do that we create distance between us and our partner, because we hold onto it.

We hold onto anger and resentment and there’s space and distance between us. The

truth is, the reason we get into relationship, and we may think it’s because of sex or because we want to move in with somebody and have them build a house together. We may even think it’s because we want a family, but the true reason we get into relationship is because the one deep desire we all have at the soul level is to feel connected to another person.

Therefore, when we avoid conflict and we don’t express what we’re feeling, then we

create disconnection. Orna: And that’s a bad space. We were talking about respect, respect is a healthy space.

But when you’re avoiding conflict then that’s a disconnect and that’s a completely different kind of space between you and your partner and you’ve all been there. You’ve had that situation where you’re upset but you’re not talking about it. It’s the cold war between you.

This is what we’re talking about, because honestly, conflict is your friend. Conflict is

actually an opportunity for deeper connection. Matthew and I say all the time, we’re very open about it, if we fight. We say yes and they go oh no, you mean you’ve had a disagreement. We’re like oh no, we fight.

Matthew: Yes, we fight. Orna: They say what does it sound like? We say it sounds like a fight. Matthew: We get upset. We yell. We stomp our feet.

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Orna: Sometimes one of us will say I just have to step out for a while, I’ll be back in 20 minutes or in an hour, and that’s the way it goes. That’s what happens in intimate relationship, there’s going to be conflict. So we don’t have some magic potion we can give you so you don’t have conflict, embrace conflict. Instead, when the conflict comes up and you have that choice, and you hear that saying like don’t rock the boat or pick your battles, instead, embrace the conflict.

Ask yourself what is it that I need right now. I’ll tell you, if you really pay attention

to what you need on the soul level, Matthew touched on it a moment ago. We all want connection. If you’re trying to get what you need from an ego desire, your ego will say I’m right, can’t you see my point of view I’m right? Guess what if you’re right than your partner is automatically wrong.

It’s not that Matthew and I don’t fight, it’s what we do with a fight. We do

something really magical with a fight because we share how we feel authentically during the fight.

Matthew: So it’s important to have these communication skills so that you can maneuver

through the rough patches. Having an argument solidifies the commitment between two people when you can get on the other side. Early on in our relationship, we’d have these arguments and we’re both very passionate people, so when we argue we argue passionately.

I remember Orna telling me, I’m so afraid to tell you what’s going on with me right

now because I’m afraid if I tell you you’re going to leave. I said I don’t care you have to tell me what’s going on. She told me and I was like why would I leave because of that? That doesn’t make sense to me.

What had happened was when I understood where she was and what was causing

her upset I could give her what she needed. When she understood that expressing her needs and desires and feelings in that moment wasn’t going to drive me away, because she did it with good communication, then we could create better connection with each other.

This is one of the things we teach is communication skills. How do you have an

argument? How do you really use I statements, avoid You statements and that’s a real surface piece of it.

Orna: Honestly, we can’t get more into the tools because we could spend many hours just

talking about communication skills, because this is something we’re never taught. We aren’t taught in school how to communicate our emotions.

Matthew: We certainly aren’t taught from our parents.

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Orna: No. What we are taught by our parents is how to model them, so we’re all modeling something that didn’t work to begin with. This is important, this number four, out of the seven things, because most people think avoiding conflict is serving the relationship and what we’re trying to tell you is avoiding the conflict does not serve the relationship in the long-‐‑term.

This idea of don’t rock the boat and pick your battles, that’s just sweeping things

under the rug and as Matthew talked about there, emotions can act like a volcano right. We hold onto it and hold onto it until we can’t hold onto it anymore and that is where the demise of a lot of really, otherwise good relationships fall apart is because we were avoiding conflict all along.

Whereas, if we just dealt with it as it came up and then it’s just not that big a deal

and you can get to the other side and you can understand how to create connection over and over with your partner.

Matthew: We talk about it as not leaving any dirty dishes in the sink, because the next thing

you know that sink is piled up with dishes and it’s getting pretty nasty and it will take a long time to clean it up, so why not just clean that fork now…

Orna: Instead of letting it pile up. Matthew: … instead of letting it pile up. Let’s go to number five of seven, another important

one that we see so much… 5. Not knowing what you really want.

Orna: This one is common once you start digging in and I’m sure if we open the lines to

ask what you really want in a relationship, there might be some of you who have some idea of what you want, but when we start digging in and asking more, we’ll say tell me more about what that relationship looks like.

What inevitably ends up happening is that you end up as a deer in the headlights,

because what you’re clear on is what you don’t want and when you’re clear on what you don’t want, guess what, you can’t create from that because that space is a space of lack. You can’t create from lack.

You know before Matthew and I had this business together I was a manifestation

coach. I would teach people how to manifest the things that they wanted in their life and manifestation 101 is that you have to be clear on what it is you want and if you’re only clear on what you don’t want. If you’re only clear on what you don’t want, boy are you in trouble.

Matthew: We saw this early on in our practice when we first started working with clients. We

were working with this gentleman who was very frustrated with his marriage. He

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couldn’t get his wife to come work with us, it was just him and he was like, there has to be something I can change she doesn’t seem to like me for who I am. This was someone who’s very enthusiastic, high energy and one of those people who walks in and lights up a room.

He has a lot of personal magnetism and energy and his wife was constantly telling

him to tone it down. Can you please be less? How many of us have been in that situation in a relationship? He was trying to change that and the truth was, we couldn’t help him change that, but we could get him to see why he was in this situation in this first place.

What happened was the woman he was dating before he married his wife was the

woman he thought was the love of his life. She cheated on him, so he decided in that moment of hurt and betrayal to never let that happen to him again. He decided he was going to find a woman who he knew would be faithful. He wanted to find a woman who he knew would never cheat on him, and that became the single most important thing to him on his list.

He found that woman. His wife wasn’t going to cheat she didn’t have it in her she

was a very faithful person. However, she had all these other qualities where she wasn’t comfortable with him being himself. She couldn’t accept him for who he was, because she couldn’t accept herself for who she was.

Orna: We see this so often in relationship, we’re always in reaction to whatever happened

in the past. It sets what we want out of whack, because what you want isn’t the opposite of what you don’t want. If you don’t want someone to cheat on you the opposite of that isn’t focusing all energy on somebody who’s faithful.

Certainly you want to be with someone who’s faithful, but you also want someone

who loves and accepts you for who you are. Maybe some of your drivers in relationship are things like communication, passion and adventure and what happens is the things we want get out of whack because we’re in reaction to the last thing that broke our heart.

So getting clear on what you want is knowing not just the opposite of what you

don’t want because that won’t create that list either. Remember, being crystal clear about the kind of relationship you want has you looking at the qualities of that relationship.

Matthew: It’s not about how tall he is, how much money he makes, what kind of car he drives,

what color hair she has, it’s not about any of those things. Orna: Or her bra cup size.

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Matthew: It’s not about those things. Yes, you will be attracted to the person you get married to. If you aren’t attracted to them than don’t marry them.

Orna: Don’t date them. Matthew: Right, don’t even date them. However, you need to know what you want the

relationship to be like. You need to know the qualities. How do they communicate? How do they express their love to you?

Orna: Right, how does the relationship function? Being clear on what you want isn’t being

clear on oh, I’m really specific I want this guy and his name is Joe, that’s not what we’re talking about here. Being clear on what you want is what’s the kind of relationship you want?

Do you want a partnership? That’s what I wanted and I know in my learning curve

of trying to figure this relationship thing out, I remember doing a course with some therapists called smart dating and I was really confused at that point, I’d read so many books. I said well, I’m a really strong woman and men tell me they’re intimidated by me and I don’t get asked out that often. Maybe if a man is supposed to hunt then I’m supposed to be prey.

I remember one of them asking me what kind of relationship do you want? Do you

want to be really passive in the relationship? Do you want to be at home, be a housewife raising kids? I said no, that’s not what I want at all. I want a partnership. They said than that’s how you have to show up from day one. So knowing what you want, actually gets you clear, not only on how to create your relationship but it gets you really clear in the dating process, because the dating process is not something to rush through so you can find somebody that will commit.

The dating process is actually a selection process and it should be embraced, because

the dating process is just as important to de-‐‑select someone as it is to select someone. Matthew: There’s something Orna said earlier that I want to go back to. We call this the lie of

love, which says it has to be this guy at this time in this way, or this woman at this time in this way, whatever it is. I’m addressing this because we actually had several questions in the webcast box where you can type in your questions, several versions of… how do I get the guy who no longer loves me to love me again? You can’t!

Because it’s not about the guy. Love isn’t in that person only. Love exists all around

you. You can create an amazing relationship with just about anybody. When you become fixated on the one person who doesn’t want you, then it’s clear there’s something for you to learn about yourself that maybe there’s a piece of self rejection in your love imprint.

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Orna: Or maybe it’s just a simple thing, in that you want to ask yourself this question. All of you who are typing in some version of this question. What I want to say to you is this. Ask yourself this question. If you could have your ideal relationship, everything you ever dreamed of in a relationship, with someone you haven’t met yet. Would you choose that or would you choose the struggle with this on again off again person who can’t commit, whatever it is you’re trying to get them to do, change or be?

Ask yourself that question. If you’re currently in a relationship and you’re struggling

in that relationship, I’m not saying to call it quits. This is only for the people who have been typing in, you’re not in a marriage or a commitment… I’m not saying to bail on the person you’ve made a commitment to. I’m talking about those who don’t have a commitment.

You’re trying to get them to change something. You’re trying to get them back. You

can’t get the other person to change. We can’t get on the line and tell you, if you just do this magic thing he’s going to want you back and vice versa for her. Sure, we can tell you what to do to get them interested again. We can tell you what to do to get them to date you again, but you’ll be twisting into a pretzel. You will not be your authentic self and you’ll be playing a game.

We can certainly tell you how to do that because there’s an energetic practice, but

that’s not creating lasting love. That’s just creating more heartache and frustration because down the line you’re not going to be able to hold that shape. You aren’t going to want to continue the game. You want to be your authentic self with this person and have them love you for who you really are. So release the game and the lie of love.

It’s the lie that says that love has to come from this one person because you might

not ever feel that way again. Release that, because you won’t feel that way again you’ll feel even better, with a person who wants to feel that magic with you and is committed to you.

Matthew: Moving on to number six of seven. Orna:

6. Going into sacrifice. This one is so common and I hope a lot of you see yourself in this, because we hear

this all the time. We hear I gave and gave and gave, I gave everything and it still didn’t work. We went back and forth about what we would call number six. We could have called it going into sacrifice, which is what we decided on or we could have called it over-‐‑giving.

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Giving doesn’t get you, because you don’t get love from someone. You share love with someone. When you want to share love with somebody then you don’t have to go into sacrifice to get it.

Matthew: In the beginning of the relationship it’s easy to get sucked into that oxytocin high

and spend all your time together. And there are those of us, and I am one, who likes their personal space, personal freedom and say you know what; I need a day just to myself. However, when we’re in that honeymoon stage we throw all that out the window.

We want to spend all the time we have with that person because it feels so good to

be with them, we’re bonding and learning about each other and three months into the relationship we’re like, I just need a break. I love you but I need a break and suddenly the partner is like, what are you talking about you need a break. Where are you going? What’s going on? You’re abandoning me, which leads us to feeling all this pressure now because we can’t be ourselves.

This is what we’re talking about. Show up authentically. Don’t self-‐‑abandon. Don’t

abandon yourself and your needs just because you’re in an oxytocin high. Orna: Or even later on, because this happens often in the early stages, but it happens later

too because we behave one way and then we have that honeymoon period about three months with all those good feeling chemicals that suddenly wear off and then we’re in a relationship. After the three months what we see a lot of times is people going into sacrifice because they’re giving and then they’re over-‐‑giving.

I don’t care what your belief system is, whatever higher power it is you see how

there, whether it’s God, God is the universe, Moses, Jesus, Allah, whatever it is. There’s not one scripture and nothing else that says you don’t count and you don’t matter. When you abandon yourself and go into sacrifice to try to make a relationship work, that’s essentially the message you’re sending.

You’re saying I don’t count. I don’t matter. This other person’s needs and wants are

more important than my own and that is the role that you play in dooming a relationship. Whatever you think that higher power is. Whatever label you put on it or think that master puppeteer is, there’s nothing that will say you don’t matter so the minute you start behaving that way, and for me sometimes it’s universe, sometimes it’s goddess whatever that is.

The universe isn’t going to say, oh wow, look at Jenny and how she’s behaving.

She’s actually gone into sacrifice, this relationship must not be good for her, otherwise she’d be getting her needs met and asking for what she wants. So relationship stamped over. This is what we really want you to understand, that the key to not going into sacrifice and not over-‐‑giving is to know what it is you need to

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be able to make requests from your partner and speaking how you feel. That way you can in fact get your needs filled by your partner.

Matthew: This is the thing, we talked earlier about masculine and feminine energy and this is

another piece of that. We think oftentimes that feminine energy is passive and nurturing, it’s like you are give, give, giving and the truth is, giving is masculine, whereas, receiving is feminine. It’s anatomical.

We need you to understand this because when you are in the receptive mode, as a

woman you’re asking for what you want. You’re receiving it and showing appreciation for what your man is bringing to you. That’s how you make requests. There’s more to it, but that’s the surface level but there’s more excitement and nuance.

I think we’re ready to get to number seven of seven. Orna: The last one. Matthew:

7. Putting too much attention on chemistry and compatibility. Orna: I think attention is one thing, but priority. Putting too high a priority on chemistry

and compatibility, especially early in a relationship. We’ve talked about this idea of your love imprint. For those who joined a little late, we talked about love imprinting which is how you learned to receive love in your family of origin. It’s how you learned what love is in your family of origin and what it feels like, tastes like, smells like or what the touch is like. What love is to you on the subconscious level.

It may not be in alignment with what’s in your true hearts desire. In fact, there’s

often disparity. It can be a large or small disparity. When you’re putting all your attention on chemistry and compatibility, guess what, that chemistry specifically is coming from your love imprint. It’s your subconscious saying this is familiar and it’s highlighting and could actually be highlighting things you don’t want in a relationship.

Matthew: You know this is true about you, if we were to ask what does true love feel like?

You’d say true love is so intense, it’s like I’m knocked off balance, I can’t stop thinking about this person, it’s so obsessive and exciting and I feel so ungrounded. That is not true love.

That is your love imprint. That is chemistry. That is your subconscious saying,

danger-‐‑danger-‐‑danger, this is familiar and this is not what you want.

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Orna: And if you’re wondering why the subconscious does that I’ll explain as quickly as I can for an in-‐‑depth conversation about how this works. The subconscious mind doesn’t judge, that’s in the prefrontal cortex where we judge things and we can make a decision about whether things are good or bad.

Our subconscious doesn’t do that. It can’t say something is good or bad, we’re

actually committed to a homeostasis. We’re committed to staying alive, so when our commitment to survival has our subconscious programmed this way to say something is familiar or not familiar, and because you’re alive today, that means you’ve survived everything you’ve been through in the past.

So if you’ve survived your subconscious wants to say, hey you survived this. That’s

why when I met that guy in my 20s the charge was so strong. It’s because I had survived my childhood, but what my subconscious was really trying to tell me was danger-‐‑danger, you’re in trouble here, not danger-‐‑danger you’re in love here. So specifically if you’ve had abuse in your background this chemistry thing involves a much deeper conversation, but if you’re a regular person coming from a normal family with little dysfunctions, it plays out the same way.

If you’re constantly chasing rejection or you’re constantly chasing the person you

have to prove your worth in relationship, because this is all entwined in your love imprint. Then you’re really in trouble because that’s how you end up creating the same kind of relationship over and over again. Different relationship, right different person, the face is different but it all plays out the same, which is where you can see the pattern that happens over and over again.

It’s because you’re putting way too much attention and too much of a high priority

on chemistry and compatibility. Matthew: To go back to the story of the woman I was dating before I met Orna, that first date

we had when we first got together was 24-‐‑hours long. It was crazy and intense. It was amazing. It was all a sign of all the craziness that was to come. So, when you have those intense obsessive feelings, this isn’t true love. Run away from that.

The compatibility piece, you can like the same movies and same music, even the

same activities. You could both like beach volleyball, but it doesn’t mean you share the same values. It doesn’t mean you share how you want to raise kids or that you believe the same thing about money or that you believe the same thing about fidelity in relationship. It just mean you like the same things.

That’s nice to have, but I like stupid crazy science-‐‑fiction action films. Orna would

rather see a romantic comedy. Orna: We’re pretty typical.

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Matthew: We hate to be stereotypes, but it’s true. I can go see that movie on my own if I need

to and she can go with her friends and see some romantic comedy or maybe we’ll go together and meet in the middle, but we don’t have to like the same music or same movies or books. We don’t even have to like the same activities to have an amazing relationship.

Orna: Certainly, you want some overlap but the reality of what we’re talking about is if

you have shared values with someone, that’s what creates longevity in relationship. So you create the longevity is that you’re looking at this love imprint piece, removing the blocks that are in there and then you’re looking at what your values are.

The thing about values is that you can’t ask someone what their values are. You can’t

say to somebody, do you value honesty? Nobody’s going to say honesty, no I don’t value that, I just liked to you five minutes ago. When I use that example, Matthew will say that’s ironic because they’re being very honest in that moment. Nobody is going to tell you they don’t value those things, so you can’t ask. You discover someone’s values by paying attention to who they are and how they’re showing up, where do they spend their time, energy and resources?

Time is a big one. Where someone spends their time will always tell you what they

value. So it takes time. This is the process of dating. It’s how you get to know someone and we’re so excited to have shared with you all of the seven things that you don’t know you’re doing that’s blocking you from love, as well as a little bit about how to overcome them.

We want you to know that we get it. We understand the pain of wanting lasting love

in your life. We want you to find that coach or mentor, that’s perfect for you, that you resonate with that can give you all the aha moments and can get you there not just the first and second step, but a ll the way through so that you have the kind of true soul partnership that’s in your true heart’s desire.

Remember that love is your birthright. Every baby that’s ever been born comes into

the world as a human embodiment of the energy of love and that includes you. That love is inside you. It’s just that these blocks have gotten you in the way from experiencing it and feeling it.

As I said earlier, you don’t get love from another person you share love with them.

When your eye is connected with your beloved, the love you have for yourself will be reflected back to you in their eyes. So there’s nothing you need to get out there.

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Orna: We are so happy you have decided to join our community. As a bonus you’ll be receiving weekly Love Notes from us directly to your in-‐‑box that will keep you focused on the one thing you desire most of all…love!

Matthew: We are happy to be your guides to love!

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