A Clearer View of the MoonA Clearer View of the Moon - - Cancer from the insideCancer from the inside

“A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping, and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Arabian proverb

— Arabian Proverb

ISSUES FACED BY CANCER SUFFERERSISSUES FACED BY CANCER SUFFERERS

1.To talk about the fear of abandonment, pain, family concerns, increasing dependence and to allay those fears as much as is possible.

2. To feel that it is okay to let go and die (when the cancer is terminal). Carers can sometimes get in the way of this. It is normal to refuse food or further treatment. They may feel a need to arrange with doctors the avoidance of life-prolonging measures while they are still conscious.

3. To know what is happening (diagnosis and prognosis). Alternatively they may not want to know.

4. A need to maintain dignity and control. Self-care is often important. There is a need to be recognised as a person rather than as a body with a disease.

5. To be treated as a whole person. Emotional, cultural, spiritual, financial, self-image, physical, sexual, personal lifestyle, relationships.

6. To have feelings accepted and understood. (Often prolonged anger and depression are covering up a deep feeling of sorrow and held-in grief at losing everything that is important to them.)

7. To be at home as much as possible.

8. To feel that the family will be able to get along without them after death. They may want to cry with their family as they say goodbye. Completing unfinished business with someone whether by talking or writing will ease their minds and hearts.

9. To be pain free and as alert for as long as possible.

10. To find a meaning for their lives, suffering and death (this is where a Christian or other faith carer can be of particular assistance)

11. To feel that they still have the love and respect of those who are dear to them. This is best shown by spending time with the person.

ISSUES FACED BY THE FAMILY OF THE ISSUES FACED BY THE FAMILY OF THE CANCER SUFFERERCANCER SUFFERER

1. A need to communicate their fear and pain. They too have a ‘dis-ease.’ If they are overlooked then resentment and guilt can build up. They need to be encouraged that they are doing a good job.

2. A need of knowledge. To know the diagnosis and prognosis, the side effects of the therapy, what to expect as the illness progresses etc.

3. To make plans and set goals and know that it is alright to do so.

4. A need to have time out alone where there is nothing expected of them.

5. Children view death differently at different ages. They need to be aware of the dying process and have things explained to them honestly, simply and directly (in ways that are developmentally appropriate). If possible, children should spend time with the dying person, feel free to talk about death, to ask questions and to have death treated as something which is a natural part of life. Children can be encouraged to respond to death through art work.

6. That it’s okay to accept that death is going to happen. This can become an opportunity for the family and loved one to share their deepest feelings. Crying can bring a family closer, and into a sense of trust that death is all right and acceptable, even though it makes them sad.

7. To spend time with the deceased after death especially in cases of sudden death. It helps family members become familiar with death and experience first hand that the loved one is gone. Families who do spend time with the dead body, at home or in the hospital, often experience feelings of deep peace and joy during this time.

1. Genuineness

It is important that you be yourself. Relate to the cancer sufferer as you would to anyone else. People who have cancer need to know that they are still part of life. We musn’t make the mistake of treating those who are still living as though they are “amongst the dead.” Genuineness and naturalness are important with the family as well. The role of pastoral carer is one of support, not expert or authority.

CARING FOR THE CANCER SUFFERER CARING FOR THE CANCER SUFFERER AND THEIR FAMILYAND THEIR FAMILY

2. Listening

You may have to listen over and over again to stories that you have already heard. This listening may involve listening to outbursts of anger, frustration and resentment. You may even become the target of some of these expressions of emotion. It is important not to take it personally. Remember that sometimes people who are under great stress act in inappropriate ways.

3. Physical contact

Some people like to touch and be touched. Others don’t. It is important to be flexible in regard to this issue so that you can respond in the way that is appropriate for a particular situation. Touch can often communicate “I’m here. I care” far more meaningfully than can words.

4. Meeting them where they are

Regardless of how much you may disagree with a family’s way of dealing with their situation, it is never appropriate to give unsolicited advice. Patterns of interaction between family members, no matter how counter-productive they may seem to you, have been formed over years of association and are rooted in a history of which you are not a part.

1. Don’t avoid me. Be the loved friend you have always been.

2. Touch me. A simple squeeze of my hand tells me you care.

3. Call me to tell me you’re bringing my favourite dish and when you are coming. Bring food in disposable containers.

25 PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FROM A PERSON25 PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FROM A PERSONFACING SERIOUS ILLNESSFACING SERIOUS ILLNESS

4. Take care of my children. I need time to be alone with my spouse.

5. Weep with me when I weep, laugh with me when I laugh.

6. Take me out for a pleasure trip, but know my limitations.

7. Call for my shopping list and make a special delivery to my home.

8. Call me before you visit, but don’t be afraid to visit. I need you. I am lonely.

9. Help me celebrate holidays (and life!) by decorating my room or bringing me tiny gifts of flowers or other natural treasures.

10. Help my family. I may be sick but they may also be suffering. Offer to come stay with me to give my family a break.

11. Be creative! Bring me a book of thoughts, taped music, a poster for my wall, cookies to share with my family.

12. Let’s talk about it. Maybe I need to talk about my illness. Find out by asking me, “Do you feel like talking about it?”

13. Don’t feel we always have to talk. We can sit silently together.

14. Can you take me or my children somewhere? I may need transportation to a treatment, the store or a doctor.

15. Help me feel good about my looks. Tell me I look good despite my illness

16. Please include me in decision making. I’ve been robbed of so many things. Please don’t deny me the chance to make decisions in my family or in my life.

17. Talk to me of the future, tomorrow, next week, next year. Hope is so important to me.

18. Bring me a positive attitude. It’s catching.

19. What’s in the news? Magazines, papers, verbal reports keep me from feeling that the world is passing me by.

20. Help me with some cleaning. My family and I still face maintenance of clothes, dishes and house cleaning.

21. Water my plants and flowers.

22. Just send me a card to say “I care.”

23. Pray for me and share our faiths.

24. Tell me what you can do for me and, when I agree, do it.

25. Tell me about support groups so I can tell others.