a gentle reminder (english) - shaikh dr. aasim al-quryuti

8/3/2019 A Gentle Reminder (English) - Shaikh Dr. Aasim al-Quryuti

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And from His Signs is that He created for you spouses fromyourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has putbetween you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a

people who reflect. [ S rah ar-R m 30:21]

AA GG EE NN TT LL EE RR EE MM IINN DD EE RR FF OO RR TT HH EE NN EE WW LL YY WW EE DD SS By: Dr. A im ibn Abdullah al-Qaryuti

[email protected]
mailto:[email protected]


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All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of creation; and may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon our Prophet Muammad as well as his familyand all of his companions

To proceed: My appeal is to the newlyweds. May Allah bless you bothand may He place blessings between you and unite the two of you upongoodness.

The following is a brief reminder and a few small words of advice whichmay help to comprehensively convey a matter of great depth withoutmissing its intended target.

I hope that it will assist you both to achieve the type of happiness thatevery newlywed strives to achieve since this type of happiness issomething that all people desire.

Similarly, I hope that this advice will be a major factor in cultivating loveand affection between you both while also preventing whatever couldoccur as a result of a person's ignorance concerning what are the mosthighly stressed obligations upon each of you towards the other.

All of that has been presented in order to initiate cooperation,understanding, harmony, and devotion between you which is what Allahdescribes in His statement:

And from His Signs is that He created for you spouses fromyourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has putbetween you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people

who reflect. [ S rah ar-R m 30:21]

May Allah establish your feet firmly upon goodness and make yourhappiness and love for one another long lastingAmeen.


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A gentle reminder for the groom; and may Allah increase him insuccess:

In order to ensure that love, affection, and complete understanding exists between the spouses, it is important that you (the new husband) adopt asound method of interacting with your wife and life partner which isreminiscent of the statement of the Prophet ( ):

. Certainly, from the best of you are those who possess the best

character. 1

Similarly, your treatment of her should be based upon what is understoodfrom of the statement of the Prophet ( ):

I advise you to be good to the women.

And certainly A ishah was asked about how the Prophet ( ) conductedhimself at home. To this she responded:

. He used to attend to the needs of his family (meaning that he would

serve them) but whenever it was time for the prayer; he would leave toattend the prayer. 2

For this reason; may Allah honor you and establish your feet firmly, itis essential that you fulfill several obligations; from the most importantof these obligations is the following:

It is essential that you are mindful of your prayer and that you offerit during its proper time in the houses of Allah. It is also importantthat you observe appropriate Islamic social behavior and maintaingood character.

1 Transmitted by al-Bukhr and Muslim.2 Transmitted by al-Bukhr.


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It is imperative that you interact with your wife in a manner whichis kind and thoughtful since married life cannot continue withoutthese two qualities. True marital bliss and the tremendous benefitsof a blessed marriage cannot be established without kindness andthoughtfulness.

It is important that you are friendly and amicable and appear with asmiling face and a pleasant demeanor whenever you enter yourhome. You should extend the greetings of peace ( salm) to yourfamily because this specific action helps to cultivate love andhappiness in them just as it can be a reason for entering the Paradisesince the Prophet ( ) said:

You will not enter the Paradise until you believe. And you will not be a (true) believer until you love one another. Should I not direct

you to something, if you were to do it, it would cause love to spreadamongst you? Spread the greetings of peace (the saying of as-salmu

alaykum).1

1 Transmitted by Muslim and others.


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It is very important that you house your family in an appropriatehome according to your ability. It should be furnished in a mannerwhich is in accordance to the level of your income withoutunnecessary lavishness or extravagance.

It is extremely important that you continually look after your wifeand children; and offer them advice and guidance and admonitionaccording to that which is good. You should encourage them toperform the obligatory acts of worship; especially the performanceof prayer in its time.

You should exert every effort to remain consistent in your efforts toprovide their ( nafaqah) sustenance according to your means. Thisconsistency is important because any unnecessary increase in the(nafaqah) sustenance may force you into debt. And whenever a man becomes preoccupied with the settlement of his debts, it is commonfor his family to suffer financially and socially which could lead toaltercations and cultivate enmity and animosity between thespouses which may ultimately bring about the deterioration of themarriage and their separation.

You should not become stingy or miserly concerning the sustenance(nafaqah) of your family. You should know that whatever youprovide for them of sustenance will be rewarded by the permissionof Allah as the Prophet ( ) has mentioned in his statement:

And indeed, whatever you give them of sustenance, is consideredcharity even the morsel of food that you place in the mouth of your

wife.1

It is important that you refrain from being condescending or

disrespectful to your wife's family. Similarly, you shouldn't rebukeher by mentioning all of their deficiencies or all of the matters inwhich they may differ from you in terms of their lack of wealth, or

1 Transmitted by al-Bukhr and Muslim.


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knowledge or other than that. All of this type of behavior disruptsthe love which exists between the two of you.

Avoid spending a lot of time away from home so that you can be just in your distribution of time. You should be particularly carefulnot to spend a lot of time out late without a legitimate excuse orreason. This is because spending too much time away from homewill help your family to develop a sense of boredom and weariness.

It is very important that you recognize and acknowledge everythingthat your wife does for you, your children, your parents, andrelatives. You should show her your appreciation by showing herkindness and tenderness. You should make sure that she hears youpraise her and thank her and you should not forget to supplicate forher.

A gentle reminder for the bride; and may Allah increase her in benefit:Indeed, as a newly married wife, there are many obligations that you areresponsible for. If you were to observe these obligations closely inaddition to the obligations that Allah has prescribed for you; then for youthere is a great reward with Allah. This is because the most importantgoal of the Muslim woman is a good end and admittance to the Paradise.The following statement of the Prophet ( ) sufficiently addresses this.

.

If a (Muslim) woman prays her five (prayers), fasts her month(Ramadan), protects her private parts, and obeys her husband; it will besaid to her: Enter Paradise from whichever of its gates that you desire. 1

Certainly, from the most important of obligations towards yourhusband -may Allah make your obedience of him easy for you- is thefollowing:

That you beautify yourself by remaining steadfast upon the religionof Allah and maintain good character. These two characteristicsrepresent the best and most precious qualities that a woman can

1 Transmitted by Ahmad , Ibn Hibbn , and at- abarn.


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possess. So may these two characteristics be a source of great benefitto those whom Allah has granted success.

It is upon you to familiarize yourself with the rights that you maydemand of your husband such that you do not violate the limitsestablished by Allah. Similarly, you should familiarize yourselfwith his rights upon you so that you can fulfill them. You shouldavoid harming him in any way while in his presence and avoid betraying his trust in his absence since you are the source of comfortfor his eyes both in his presence as well as his absence. Be mindfulof the statement of Allah the Mighty and Majestic:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because ofwhat Allah has granted one of them to over the other, and becauseof what they spend (to support them) from their wealth. Therefore

the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in theirhusband's absence what Allah orders them to guard. [ S rah an-

Nis 4:34]

It is important that you completely immerse yourself in pursuit ofwhatever might please him and make him happy since earning hislove and achieving his favor are things that will lead to thecontinued happiness and felicity of both yourself and your family.Disobedience, raising your voice in his face, and rebuking his acts ofgoodness will only lead you into a state of loss. The right of yourhusband upon you is great and your obedience of him is obligatory.Consider the following narration of the Prophet ( ) in order to better understand the station of the husband to his wife.

. If I were to order anyone to prostrate to another, then I would have

ordered the woman to prostrate to her husband .1

1 Transmitted by A mad, at-Tirmidh , and Ibn Mjah.


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It is important that you cultivate within yourself the characteristics

of the type of righteous woman who pleases her husband wheneverhe looks at her. She is a woman who protects herself and herhusband's wealth in his absence. So strive to maintain a goodappearance for your husband, that you would like for him to seeyou. You should also strive to distinguish yourself in the way youreceive him. You should always respect and honor him and obeyhim especially concerning the type of marital relations mentioned inthe statement of the Prophet ( ):

, , , .

If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses such that herhusband spends the night angry with her then the angels curse her

until the morning. 1

It is also important that you take it upon yourself to keep yourhusband's home clean, wash and press his garments, and prepare

his favorite foods for him by hand whenever that is possible. Today you are a bride and tomorrow you are a mother. So be surethat you maintain an appropriate Islamic household. You shouldinstill in your children and the children of your husband a goodsense of direction and look after them and monitor them whetherthey are at home, at school, or at another place away from home. Bea mother who is kindhearted and compassionate and a wise teacherwho will cultivate the generations of tomorrow.

There must be unwavering cooperation between you and yourhusband in order to establish a model family unit which stronglyadheres to its Islamic values and is driven by sense of love, mercy,and affection.

It is important that you refrain from engaging in petty discussionswith your husband about matters of little importance. You shouldnot confront your husband's family and challenge the likes of his

1 Transmitted by al-Bukhr.


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mother, father, or brothers with questionable behavior that willinfuriate him and cause him to harbor ill will. Rather, you should

love them and praise their good qualities. You must not leave his home without his permission. If you havesought your husband's permission to leave in order to visit one ofyour relatives, then you must accept his opinion even if does notseem to agree with what is fair and reasonable. If he does notapprove this time, in sha Allah- he will approve next time. There isno harm in discussing the issue so long as it occurs with etiquetteand is done calmly.

It is important that you do not burden your husband beyond hiscapacity by demanding that he purchase the most luxurious typesof unnecessary furnishings which he cannot afford. You should alsoavoid overburdening him with the task of keeping up with thelatest fashions and styles of clothing to the extent that he will not beable to address and satisfy the family's most essential necessities.

If you feel in your heart as though your husband has neglected oneof your rights, then it is important that you choose an appropriatetime to discuss the issue. Your discussion of this matter should be

gentle and good-natured and should not involve raising one's voice.Your discussion should not involve emotional tension or intensity because this ultimately causes dissention and never brings aboutthe intended results.

O my sister: If you were to strive hard to adopt these qualities whileobeying your Lord and clinging to the sunnah of your Prophet; Ifyou were careful to avoid whatever displeases Allah and angersyour husband and remain paitient, then you have truly benefited because you have gained the pleasure of your Lord and your

husband. This is the true success and peace of mind that will relieve both you and your husband. In fact, this will benefit your family,your parents, and the entire community.

Obligations shared by both the husband and wife:My dearly respected newlyweds:

It is imperative that you both cooperate and work together for thegreater good which is to please Allah the Glorified and Exalted.This can occur when two righteous spouses help one another to


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preserve their prayers and cooperate with each other in whateverpleases Allah and in whatever averts His displeasure; they should

also please Allah by encouraging one another to pray at night because the night prayer is an action that is filled with goodnessand blessings and since the supplication that is offered in themiddle of the night is accepted.

You should both maintain a love for the poor and impoverishedpeople and you should encourage the feeding of them. You shouldlook for opportunities to give generously and you should not belittle or disregard whatever you may have given since Allah says:

So whoever does an atom's weight of good will see it. [ Srah az-

Zalzalah 99:7]

And the Prophet ( ) says in his narration:

. O Muslim women, none of you should belittle the gift offered by

her (female) neighbor; even if it were the firsina of a sheep. 1 You should both strive to develop and achieve the most noble and

refined character such that you might be an example of every typeof good. You should not neglect to maintain family ties, treat yourparents with kindness, or visit your relatives. Look after yourneighbors and honor their station with love and respect. You shouldhasten to give them gifts even if it is only something simple becausethis can help to strengthen the love and reinforce the wonderfulrelationship between the family and the community at large.

My dearly respected newlyweds; may Allah bless the both of you andunite you both upon goodness:

You are both about to enter into a new contract. This new contract leads toparenthood so be especially mindful of your children and their

1 Transmitted by al-Bukhr and Muslim [The firsina is the bone which only has a small amount ofmeat].


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upbringing so that they might grow up upon righteousness and be raisedand educated concerning belief in Allah and reliance upon Him. They

should be encouraged to perform their prayers and instructed to do sowhen the reach the age of seven and their beds should be separated whenthey reach the age of ten.

They should be raised to love and appreciate the Noble Qur n through itsrecitation and memorization. Similarly they should be raised upon lovefor the Prophet ( ) and veneration for his Sunnah . Just as they should beraised to love the companions of the Prophet ( ); especially the rightlyguided Caliphs, the remainder of the ten who were promised Paradise, as

well as the rest of the companions which Allah chose to support HisProphet.

Teach them the nobility of righteous character and refined etiquette andhelp them to abandon people of ill-repute so that they do not associatewith them. All of this in hope and anticipation of their becoming from themost prominent examples of the righteous since from the supplications ofthe believing slaves of Ar-Raman is to call upon Him saying:

And those who say: Our Lord, grant us from among our wives andoffspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.

[S rah al-Furq n 25:74]

So if Allah honors you both by allowing your children to grow up upon

guidance and righteousness under your protection in sha Allah- thenyou should assist them in their efforts to marry while keeping in mind thefollowing prophetic points of advice:

The Messenger of Allah ( ) said:


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If an individual approaches you (seeking the hand of your daughter)and his character and religion pleases you; then marry him (to your

daughter). Otherwise, if you don't marry them, then this will lead togreat problems in the land and great corruption.

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And the Messenger of Allah ( ) said:

A woman is married for four (reasons): for her wealth, for her lineage,

for her beauty, and for her religion. Marry the religious woman andmay your hands be covered with dust.

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Parents, may Allah bless you, seek after the possessors of good religionand character so that they might be potential spouses for your sons anddaughters. Your primary concern should not be money, beauty, lineage,or status.

You should be careful to avoid what Allah has prohibited ofintermingling during wedding parties and other forms of disobediencethat Allah has forbidden. Try to observe moderation in your weddingparties so that you do not fall into extravagance and excessiveness.

Help the newlyweds to develop harmony, love, and affection aftermarriage and do not concern yourselves with their affairs if it will lead tocreating dissention between them. Rather, just as you were a reason fortheir happiness on the night of their wedding by marrying them, youshould similarly try to ensure that their happiness endures by continuingto help them to remain together harmoniously after their wedding.

-And may the prayers of peace and blessings of Allah be upon ourProphet Muhammad and upon his family and companions.-

1 Transmitted by Ibn M jah and at-Tirmidh. 2 Transmitted by al-Bukhr and Muslim.

a gentle reminder (english) - shaikh dr. aasim al-quryuti

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