a jukebox for the algonquin - the playwrights' center · chicago, il 60611. characters dennis:...

A Jukebox for the Algonquin

by Paul Stroili

© 2019 by Paul Stroili [email protected]

Agent: Lynne Hamilton-Wray

[email protected] 312.787.4700

Shirley Hamilton, Inc. 333 E. Ontario St, - Suite #302B

Chicago, IL 60611

CHARACTERS

Dennis: Male, 70 to 75+, Caucasian or Asian

Johnny: Male, 70 to 75+, African American

Annie: Female, 65+, Caucasian, of Irish descent

Peg (also portrays Mrs. McDarren): Female, mid to late 50’s, any race

Chuck: Male, mid to late 50’s, any race

Josefina*: Female, late 30’s to 50’s, Hispanic

(*pronounced ho-seh-fee-na)

Tyler: Male, 20’s, any race

TIME

The summer of 2003.

PLACE The Algonquin Room, a community recreation room at the Placid Pines Senior Care Center in upstate New York.

A NOTE REGARDING MUSIC: Good music, and the importance of it in our lives – is at the core of this story. Indeed, the absence of it – until the final scene - is essential to the world of the play. If you elect to use music for scene changes or transitions, please refrain from using good music – it should be industrial, crappy “Muzak” at best, or even simply announcements one would hear over the public address system in a senior-living facility.

A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 1

ACT ONE SCENE 1

(Lights up on The Algonquin Room, a recreational and/or community room at Placid Pines, a Senior Care Center in the Adirondack region of upstate New York. Slightly worn furniture, chairs and side tables, a magazine rack, plants, etc. There is a card table upstage with a CD player with a stack of about a dozen CDs, and a small bookshelf with about thirty books. Also on the card table is a large glass jar, nearly empty but with a few bills inside and the word “donations” taped to it along with construction paper cut-outs of musical notes. There is a central wall at the back with archways on each side, both extra wide to easily accommodate a wheelchair and someone walking alongside one. The Stage Right archway leads further into the interior of the facility, the Stage Left archway leads to the main entrance and the outdoors. A television, a fish tank (and later a jukebox) are referred to, down center, but never seen by the audience. MRS. MCDARREN, a well-dressed woman in sunglasses, enters. She is completing a cell phone conversation, and also carries a small digital camera. ANNIE enters shortly after her, carrying a clipboard. ANNIE wears eyeglasses due to extremely poor eyesight.)

MRS. MCDARREN (into her phone) – So far, it looks nice, Bob - I think Mom will like it. I’ll take some more pictures and show you tonight. OK, call me back.

(She continues taking photos.)

ANNIE --and as I said, this is the Algonquin Room-- but no round tables! I’m sorry, I can never resist that joke. Given our location, all of our multi-use rooms are named for places here in the Adirondacks – Algonquin Peak, Keene Valley--

MRS. MCDARREN Yes, I saw the Tupper Lake Dining Room as we came in.


ANNIE It’s funny, our residents might be up there in years but the cliques here are worse than high school.

MRS. MCDARREN Oh, I’m sure.

ANNIE There’s a quilting group that stakes out a whole corner of the dining room. You can’t get a seat near the good TV during the playoffs…

MRS. MCDARREN I bet.

ANNIE …and that alcove we passed coming in? That’s where all of the Jews sit.

(Long Pause)

MRS. MCDARREN I’m sorry… what?

ANNIE Well, during the playoffs…

MRS. MCDARREN No, the uh… Jews?

ANNIE Oh yeah, “Hebrew Holler” we call it - They don’t want anything to do with anyone else.

MRS. MCDARREN Are you… serious?

ANNIE (air quotes) “Chosen” people and all that malarkey. You’d think with all the money they have, they’d be more pleasant.

MRS. MCDARREN That’s the most anti-Semitic thing I’ve ever…

(JOSEFINA enters.)

JOSEFINA I am so sorry, Mrs. McDarren, I was detained…

MRS. MCDARREN Who are you?


JOSEFINA Josefina Alvarez, we spoke on the phone. I’m running your tour today.

MRS. MCDARREN Then who is-

JOSEFINA This is Annie.

ANNIE Annie Murphy.

MRS. MCDARREN Ms. Alvarez, one of your staff members here…

ANNIE Oh, I’m not on the staff. I live here.

JOSEFINA …and she’s a real comedian this one!

ANNIE I’m not a comedian. This is serious social research.

(Referring to clipboard) She got pissed, so she passed, but barely.

JOSEFINA I’m very sorry, Mrs. McDarren – let’s grab some coffee and I’ll continue your tour.

(MRS. MCDARREN leaves in a huff, with JOSEFINA in pursuit.)

JOSEFINA Annie… you can’t…

ANNIE I will always protect my people.

JOSEFINA You’re not Jewish, Annie.

(JOSEFINA leaves, followed by ANNIE)

ANNIE I’m a champion for many causes!

(As they leave through one archway, DENNIS and JOHNNY enter through the other, DENNIS is in a wheelchair and somewhat stylishly dressed.


JOHNNY carries a puzzle book, and wears an old, battered New York Yankees hat, a constant for him. He also uses a cane. JOHNNY heads straight for the donation jar, as DENNIS unfolds his newspaper.)

DENNIS A watched pot, my friend.

JOHNNY Got a good feeling about this. I had a dream last night I was dancing with Lena Horne.

DENNIS I have that same dream. Except in mine it’s Montgomery Clift. And we’re not dancing.

JOHNNY (dumping the jar and counting the money) 18, 19… damn.

DENNIS Well?

JOHNNY Twenty-three fifty.

DENNIS Where were we at yesterday?

JOHNNY Twenty-five. (pulls out a post-it) Annie left an IOU for a Snickers.

DENNIS Slow going, my friend. How much you have up in your room?

JOHNNY Three hundred eighty dollars.

DENNIS And how much of that is your own money?

JOHNNY None of your damn business.

DENNIS Johnny, I hate to restate the obvious, but I don’t think the donation jar is cutting it. We’re all fixed income here. And anyone who has anything left will usually blow it at bingo.

JOHNNY We don’t play for money.

DENNIS Not down here. But Jack Paparoan has got a game going in his room, it’s like Atlantic City


up there.

JOHNNY Remind me. Who’s Paparoan again?

DENNIS He’s got that walker with the tennis balls stuck on the bottom?

JOHNNY Like THAT narrows it down. You ever seen a walker without tennis balls on the bottom?

DENNIS No, come to think of it. I thought they came that way.

JOHNNY Seriously, what the hell? How long they been making walkers, and in all that time, not one person has come up with one that didn’t need goddamn tennis balls stuck on the bottom?

DENNIS You need a hobby.

JOHNNY (Holding up the donation jar) I’m working on it.

(ANNIE returns.)

Hey, you –

ANNIE I know, I know – I owe you a Snickers.

DENNIS A tour this morning?

ANNIE There was.

DENNIS So, who was today’s contestant?

(ANNIE consults her clipboard)

ANNIE Kathleen McDarren, from Saranac Lake. Her husband is deputy mayor there, which she mentioned twice in fifteen minutes. Checking out the place for her mother-in-law, Charlotte.

DENNIS How did she do?

ANNIE Scored a seventy. So passing, but not with flying colors. Not an anti-Semite, so she made up


a few points there, but she did not score well with Asians or Hispanics.

(Flipping to next page on form) First, no reaction when I said our garden was designed by “Orientals.”

DENNIS Ouch.

ANNIE Then, she remarked that our kitchen was, quote: “Probably full of illegals” – unquote.

DENNIS Our kitchen is full of illegals.

ANNIE That’s not the point.

JOHNNY …and they run circles around that old team of lunch ladies we used to have. What’s that thing they do, it’s like this taco shell with the sauce and the breaded fish…

DENNIS The fish taco?

JOHNNY That’s it – with the fresh cabbage and the lime? I tell ya, if my wife could’ve cooked like that I wouldn’t have killed her.

ANNIE Oh, I hate that joke, Johnny. You didn’t kill Rosie.

JOHNNY Sure, I did. It just took me forty-eight years. Damn, now I want a fish taco. Did I ever tell you about the food at Waterview? One of the reasons I busted out.

DENNIS Oh, no.

ANNIE The great “Waterview” breakout.

JOHNNY AND DENNIS (TOGETHER) They lied!

JOHNNY Yes, Denny - they lied. They called the place Waterview. Pictures of lakes and babbling brooks all over the brochure. Then you get there, and your room looks out on some lame ass fountain stuck between an Olive Garden and a Petco.


ANNIE I love The Olive Garden.

DENNIS Didn’t the Petco used to send those therapy dogs over?

JOHNNY Yeah, they did. And who the hell started that shit, anyway? That’s a cure for boredom? Dogs?

DENNIS What do you want, Johnny? Hookers and coke?

JOHNNY Couple of guys, a deck of cards, and we play Texas Hold ‘em for a few hours. Do they send that? No. What do we get? Two Cocker Spaniels and a three-legged Yorkie dressed like Santa.

ANNIE Sounds cute, though.

JOHNNY It’s not cute – it’s embarrassing. Look in their eyes, man. No dog likes wearing a goddamn hat.

DENNIS I’ve wondered about that - Why do they put those sweaters on them? Do they think we’ll forget they’re dogs?

JOHNNY Well, if the sweater makes you forget, that visible butt hole will make you remember.

(CHUCK, a maintenance man, enters and begins to dust mop the area)

CHUCK Morning.

DENNIS Morning, Chuck.

(ANNIE sifts through the stack of CD’s)

ANNIE OK, what are we up for today… Journey? Or maybe a little Survivor? Eye of the Tiger?

JOHNNY God help me.


DENNIS What do you want to hear?

JOHNNY You know what I want to hear, and it aint no damn CD. I want to hear a nice, scratchy record.

DENNIS Don’t get worked up.

JOHNNY Music with the seeds and stems still in it. Something with a saxophone. A jukebox record.

DENNIS It’s not going to happen, my friend.

ANNIE Don’t get him worked up.

DENNIS Josefina shoots you down every time.

JOHNNY I have faith.

DENNIS I’m sure you’ve got a lot of faith. What you don’t have is money for a jukebox.

JOHNNY I’ll get it.

DENNIS At the rate that donation jar is filling up, I hope I live to see it.

ANNIE How about REO Speedwagon? Do they have saxophones?

JOHNNY Shit. Ain’t never been a whiter band than REO Speedwagon.

ANNIE (still looking through CDs) How about Air Supply?

JOHNNY I stand corrected.

(Pulling out his puzzle book) Look, whatever you play, make it just instrumentals, no vocals. Can’t focus on my crossword if someone is singing.


(He begins looking for something) Where’s my juice?

DENNIS It’s not there?

JOHNNY No, it’s not.

DENNIS It’s there, maybe it rolled under the table.

JOHNNY It didn’t roll nowhere. (To CHUCK) Hey, dust mop guy – you new?

CHUCK Sort of.

JOHNNY You see a can of orange juice over here?

CHUCK Yeah. Put it back in the tub in the dining hall. We have ants. No more food in the Algonquin. They said you have to drink it in the Tupper.

JOHNNY Ants? It wasn’t open. I don’t open it until after my show’s over.

CHUCK Management just posted it. New rules, I guess.

(JOHNNY moves closer to CHUCK)

JOHNNY It was my juice.

CHUCK There’s plenty in the dining room.

JOHNNY There and back, with my knees, I’ll miss half my program. You moved it, so go get me another one.

CHUCK Well, first of all, as you pointed out – I’m not a waiter – I’m “dust mop guy” and second…

JOHNNY Listen - (looking at nametag) Chuck. I know you’re new, but you need to respect -- don’t mess --- (haltingly) with my things.


(JOHNNY wobbles a bit)

CHUCK It’s just a can of…

DENNIS Uh – oh. How are your levels, Johnny?

JOHNNY What?

DENNIS Your blood sugar… did you eat breakfast? You didn’t. You look a little shaky.

ANNIE Oh, my God – get him the juice.

CHUCK Now wait a minute-

DENNIS I keep reminding him, he’s got to eat breakfast.

ANNIE Get him the juice, Chuck! Last time he passed out and lost a tooth.

JOHNNY I don’t feel so…

ANNIE Get him the juice!

CHUCK Me? What?

DENNIS (Mock-headline in his newspaper) “Janitor kills elderly man but prevents ant infestation.”

CHUCK I’m just following rules here!

JOHNNY (delirious) … is that you, Mama?

ANNIE Oh my God!

DENNIS Get him the juice!


ANNIE GET HIM THE COCKADOODIE JUICE!!!

(Flustered, CHUCK runs off with ANNIE in hot pursuit. JOHNNY and DENNIS calmly resume their regular tone. Long pause.)

DENNIS “Is that you, Mama?”

JOHNNY I was improvising. Every time we get a rookie it’s the same thing. He’s kinda up there to be a newbie, don’t ya think? Mostly we get the college kids.

DENNIS This room’s going to be dusty for a while. I think Annie scared the daylights out of him.

JOHNNY She was amazing. She was like Shirley Maclaine in that movie. Remember? “Give my daughter the shot!!” What’s that movie?

DENNIS Terms of Endearment.

JOHNNY Love that movie, seen it a dozen times.

DENNIS A heartbreaker – when Debra Winger dies at the end-

JOHNNY Oh great, spoil the ending!

DENNIS What, spoil? You saw the movie.

JOHNNY After you turn seventy-five, every movie has a surprise ending.

DENNIS Did you ever see Citizen Kane?

JOHNNY Sure. One of my favorites.

DENNIS “Rosebud” is a sled.

JOHNNY You’re an asshole.


(ANNIE returns alone with a can of orange juice.)

ANNIE “Is that you, Mama?”

JOHNNY We ain’t all Oscar-winners, Shirley.

ANNIE (Handing him the can) Drink your juice. You’ll need your strength. I’m about to kick your butt in Backgammon.

JOHNNY After my date with Katie.

DENNIS No “TODAY” show today, Johnny. It’s Saturday.

JOHNNY Damn. I need a clock radio with the days of the week. OK, Backgammon it is.

ANNIE Right after I feed Sacco and Vanzetti.

(ANNIE goes to the “fish tank” down center and sprinkles some food inside. JOHNNY moves upstage to a card table. TYLER, another maintenance man, enters and seeing PEG, holds the door for her to enter as well. PEG carries a banana bread. TYLER has a spray bottle and a watering can.)

TYLER Do you need help finding anything?

PEG No, thank you, I’m fine right here.

TYLER (to Johnny) Rough game for the Yanks last night, Johnny. You owe me five bucks.

JOHNNY You ever heard of “fixed income?”

TYLER I’ll just add it to your tab.

(TYLER begins to clean. Watering plants, cleaning


exterior of the fish tank, etc.)

DENNIS Hey, new face!

PEG Well, hardly new.

DENNIS Are you here to see somebody?

PEG I’m not a visitor, actually.

DENNIS I guess your youthful sparkle threw me.

PEG Youthful?

DENNIS It’s all relative. For this place you’re a fetus.

PEG No, I live over by the…

DENNIS No, don’t tell me. Half the fun is figuring it out. So let’s see - are you an “Indie”, a “Longhorn” or just an “Ass?” I’m guessing you’re an “Indie.”

PEG I’m a… Sagittarius. You’re going to have to fill me in on this.

DENNIS This is a big place, separate communities, but socially, Placid Pines is sort of the hub. But outside the hub you have all your different levels. First, Silver Pine Place - the over fifty-five condos – that’s independent living, that would make you an “Indie”.

TYLER You’re going to need a pen.

DENNIS Second is Pineview Meadows – that’s Assisted Living. That would make you an “Ass”…

PEG Been called worse.

DENNIS … a term with absolutely no negative connotation here. And finally, “Longhorn” for Long Term Care – that’s for those of us -- waiting it out right here in Placid Pines.


PEG Why is “Pine” in all the names? I haven’t seen a pine tree since I got here.

TYLER We’re not sure, but we have a few theories.

(Tyler holds up a bottle Pine-sol Brand Cleaner)

PEG O.K, it’s starting to make sense now.

(PEG shakes DENNIS’ hand.) Peg Connelly. And you’re right. Indie. Just moved in, the first cluster by the pond – the end unit?

DENNIS Angela’s place.

PEG Angela? Oh, yes – Mrs. Bazzoni. Did you know her?

DENNIS Yes. She loved to have these little dinner parties during the holidays. Invite different people over each night. She was more of a local than the rest of us. We’re transplants. I’m from Queens, (gesturing to the others) Johnny, he’s from the Bronx – Annie’s Yonkers.

PEG It’s nice you found some folks.

DENNIS Yes, we’re kind of like city kids who got lost at summer camp.

PEG I see.

DENNIS Stumbling around in the woods looking for good pizza and lean pastrami.

(PEG pushes the banana bread toward DENNIS and nods at TYLER to take a piece as well.)

PEG Then, you’ll be happy to know that this banana bread recipe is my Mom’s. Mrs. Isabelle Connolly hailing from Montclair, New Jersey.

DENNIS Jersey is close enough! (He takes a slice) Angela used to bake too – but she couldn’t have – what is it, the wheat thing?


PEG Gluten.

DENNIS That’s it. I can’t keep track anymore. It seems like, all of a sudden, everyone can’t have something. Wheat or peanuts or dairy. Angela tried so hard, poor thing, but her brownies tasted like chocolate flip flops.

TYLER This is really good.

(DENNIS tastes the cake)

DENNIS Oh, this IS good. You can stay.

PEG Glad you like it. I bet you have a lot of friends here. You’re clever.

DENNIS That’s probably why I don’t. I did like Angela, though -- Mrs. Bazzoni. She was here for a while. Said she came upstate for Woodstock in ’69 and just stayed. Cancer, right?

PEG Isn’t it always?

DENNIS So young. You all moved in?

PEG Still moving her out – so to speak. Bought the place as-is. She had no family so a lot of her stuff is still around.

DENNIS She was a packrat.

PEG Three trips to Goodwill so far. So many tchotchkes. Don’t suppose I can interest you in some hand-carved erotic sculptures of the Kama Sutra?

DENNIS Oh, dear. Yeah, I remember. That one by the front door of the guy with the big… did you see that one?

PEG Oh, yes. That’s where I hang my umbrella.

DENNIS What are you going to do about the plants? Angela was always talking about her garden, if I


remember correctly.

PEG Oh, that I’m keeping! Flowers, basil, cherry tomatoes. She’s even got a little greenhouse on the back porch.

DENNIS Quite the green thumb. Her neighbors loved her roses. Have you met any of them?

(PEG shakes her head)

DENNIS You should. You’re too young to be in here with us. No one comes in here, unless there’s an event, and our last event was New Year’s Eve 1998.

PEG 1998? Your last event was five years ago?

DENNIS Yes. And what a Roman orgy that was. Ginger ale AND Fig Newtons.

TYLER Dennis is a party animal.

DENNIS When they rehabbed the main lounge they put one of those big, plasma screens in there. So the Algonquin has become kind of a side road. Like those old two lanes after they build the interstate. But we like it. And so do Sacco and Vanzetti.

(Off PEG’s look, DENNIS gestures towards the “fish tank”)

Two of the fish. Annie there, she’s a bit of a bleeding heart. She decided to name the fish after historical figures she thinks were unjustly persecuted. So we’ve got them all - Sacco and Vanzetti, Socrates, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg…

PEG I like Annie already.

DENNIS You kind of have to.

PEG Does she take care of the fish too?

DENNIS She tries, but it’s hard for her to keep up – and she doesn’t see very well. Nelson Mandela’s been a floater for two days now.


JOHNNY (to Annie) Johnny Mathis over Nat King Cole? Not on your life.

TYLER Oh, here we go.

DENNIS You should be out meeting people.

(He looks out the window) A lot of folks at the picnic tables.

PEG No. Not yet. This is nice. Quiet.

DENNIS Quiet’s the word for it. That’s why I made it my library. Feel free to borrow anything on those shelves over there. I stocked it when I downsized.

ANNIE (To Johnny) I’m sorry. I beg to differ.

JOHNNY Nat Cole is definitely top five.

TYLER What about Lionel Richie?

JOHNNY No way. You’re skipping right over the big boys. Sam Cooke and Otis Redding. Commodores Lionel Richie might make top ten, but solo? Forget it. Besides, there hasn’t been a good song since 1977 anyway.

TYLER That’s three years before I was born.

JOHNNY I never liked you, you know that?

TYLER (laughing) Tonight. Yankees vs. Tigers. Double or nothing?

JOHNNY Done.

(TYLER leaves)

DENNIS I have to disagree, Johnny. There’s been some pretty great songs since the late 70’s.


JOHNNY Denny, music’s like buying milk in the supermarket. The farther you reach back, the cooler it gets. (noticing Banana Bread) Oh, my. Wait, you’re not one of those glutens, are you?

PEG I am not.

JOHNNY Thank God. (to DENNIS) Indie?

DENNIS Yes. This is Peg, bought Angela’s old place.

JOHNNY Angela?

ANNIE Angela Bazzoni? Oh, you remember her, Johnny… the hippie? Never shaved her legs?

(JOHNNY still can’t place her) The one with the dirty statues.

JOHNNY Oh, her. (tasting the cake) Damn, this is good – if my wife could have cooked like this, I wouldn’t have killed her.

PEG What?

ANNIE Hi, I’m Annie.

PEG Peg. Pleased to meet you. I guess I’m an “indie.”

ANNIE I’m an ass.

(JOSEFINA enters)

JOSEFINA Annie!

ANNIE Uh oh.

JOSEFINA You hijack one more of my tours and you can forget the Wounded Knee mural. You got me?


ANNIE

Sorry, Jefe. (Pronounced: Heff-AY - Translation: Sorry, Boss.)

JOSEFINA I’m not your boss, Annie. You don’t work here. (seeing PEG) Oh, hello.

PEG Hi. Peg Connolly. I live over in Silver Pines.

JOSEFINA I see you’re meeting our little Algonquin group. Welcome. Sorry to be a stickler, but you probably didn’t see the sign. No food here in the Algonquin till we get these ants under control…

(JOSEFINA attempts to flee, but JOHNNY catches her. They speak completely over each other.)

BLANK REMAINDER OF PAGE IS INTENTIONAL.


JOHNNY Jesus, Joey! You gonna ever get back to

me! I called you a couple of times, because

I wasn’t sure you got the e-mails. I found

it. It was on that site – what is it - Ebay.

It’s exactly the one I was talking about.

1940 Wurlitzer Jukebox, Vintage 1015,

Only plays 78’s. I also sent you a link*

about that study where they talk about how

music improves brain function and…

whatchamacallit --- cognitive processes.

And no offense but you can’t call that crap

pile of CD’s music therapy, I mean, there’s

only 15 of ‘em and three are Frampton

Comes Alive. And it’s not just the music,

the jukebox, it’s “interactive”, read all up on

it - you know - they light up, moving parts,

and the buttons are big like on those phones

they make for old people. You ever try to

play music on one of those goddamn Ipod,

Walkman gadgets? You need baby fingers.

Baby dwarf fingers. Baby dwarf, midget

fingers without arthritis. OK, but for now,

you’ll give us the space, right… the plug –

the outlet right under the window, where the

light’s good? Where the fish tank is?

Speaking of which, Mandela’s not looking

so good. That’s all I ask. Hold us the space.

Hey, baby steps, right? You know we

appreciate you, right? You got a lot to do.

Thank you, Joey

JOSEFINA (*=Josefina starts) Johnny, I don’t have

time for this. Yes, I got all the voice mails

you left, and the e-mails. Leaving me

more messages is not going to get me to

reply any sooner, Johnny. I do have a few

more things on my plate right now, and as

I’ve told you a number of times, I don’t

see how this is possible, especially at that

price. I mean that’s more than the

recreation budget for a whole year. I am

fully aware of the benefits of music

therapy, and that is why we offer a

selection of music in the Algonquin. I’m

sorry if the musical selections are not to

your liking, but I can’t be responsible for

the musical tastes of 200 residents. We

provide CD’s, we are not obligated to

provide a vintage Wurlitzer Jukebox. Do

you have any idea what the board would

do to me if I even suggested allotting

three thousand dollars to buy a seventy-

year-old jukebox? As I said before, I’m

more than happy making room here in the

Algonquin, but you have to find the

funds, Johnny, If you can find the money

for it, we’ll keep it here.


(JOSEFINA hugs JOHNNY)

JOSEFINA Love you.

JOHNNY Love you too, kiddo.

PEG (after a pause) What the hell do you call that?

ANNIE The Bronx.

JOHNNY Hey, Marcelita get that scholarship?

JOSEFINA Full ride. Rutgers.

JOHNNY ¡No manches! Dale mis felicitaciones.

(Translation: No Way! Give her my congratulations.)

(JOSEFINA exits)

ANNIE Johnny’s been trying to improve our entertainment options. We’ve been trying to brighten the place up a bit, but there’s no money for it, so we’re all kind of volunteering.

PEG I see.

ANNIE I watch a lot of those DIY design shows. I made a party lamp for over the game table out of an old colander and those Christmas lights that flash and change color.

JOHNNY It was like Studio 54 in here.

PEG Where is it?

ANNIE We took it down, Dennis started having seizures.


DENNIS So for me, it was exactly like Studio 54.

(CHUCK enters. He has a spray bottle and a six pack of orange juice. He continues to dust mop.)

JOHNNY It’s too early to talk about that stuff. Gotta cook the bird before you make the gravy. We need “The Main Attraction” before we add all the decorations.

DENNIS (From memory) Ah, yes - “The Main Attraction - The one that changed the game. The Wurlitzer Commercial Phonograph Player Model 1015.”

PEG Commercial phonograph player?

ANNIE Jukebox.

JOHNNY “--holds thirty-six 78 RPM records allowing seventy-two selections…”

DENNIS “Visible record-changer, scuff-proof nickel-plated metal base” — am I forgetting anything?

ANNIE “Electric selector, magnetic pickup, and low-wattage automatic fluorescents.”

JOHNNY It was the Cadillac. And we’re getting one. Got a whole campaign going.

PEG What have you got so far?

ANNIE Four hundred dollars.

JOHNNY (pointing) AND the outlet.

ANNIE Yes, the use of that outlet. But we still have to get approval to move the fish tank into the lobby.

DENNIS Speaking of moving, I am late for armchair aerobics.

ANNIE I’ll wheel you. I’ve got to mail a letter. It was nice meeting you, Peg.


(ANNIE and DENNIS prepare to leave.)

PEG Same here. Annie, I may ask you to take a look at my place, give me some decorating advice. I’d love another set of eyes.

ANNIE Love to. This week all I have is pottery, needlepoint intensive, bible study, and senior yoga - and of course next week is my annual Inner Goddess Meditation Retreat, so we could get together at the end of the month?

PEG That’s fine, nice meeting you all.

(DENNIS, ANNIE and PEG leave)

CHUCK You OK?

(JOHNNY does not respond) They posted these rules, and I -

JOHNNY I get that you got a job to do. Not an easy job, I know. Did it part-time myself when Rosie and I first had our boy. But just… steer clear of my five things.

CHUCK Your…?

JOHNNY I do five things each day. That’s all. But I like my five things. One of them is my crossword. Then there’s my date with Katie. Me and Katie Couric. I never miss the Today Show. Then, right after that the local news comes on, and that’s when I drink a can of orange juice. A watered-down can of Bluebird Brand juice that’s probably never seen a photo of a goddamn orange. But, it’s one of my five things, and it’s twenty percent of my goddamn day.

CHUCK Look, I’m new here.

JOHNNY You’re kind of old to be new.

(CHUCK says nothing. JOHNNY speaks, but doesn’t look at him.)

Just respect the house. This is our house. Annie, Denny, Me. And I’m a longhorn so that means I ain’t moving again. Whole lot of people running through, sweeping around your feet, changing your sheets right in the middle of Final Jeopardy.


CHUCK I’m sure it’s tough, the lack of privacy.

JOHNNY Never wanted this many people in my house. But my wife is gone, and my boy is in Florida, and I’m old enough to know that – Mickey Mouse or not, Florida is still the south, so I live here.

CHUCK I understand.

JOHNNY You hold on to stuff. I got my crossword, my shows… Annie keeps a tin of Irish biscuits in that broom closet. That little bag on the side of Denny’s chair? (whispering) Flask of Christian Brothers. Small things that keep you from that slow slide to crazy town. It’s what they remind you of – it doesn’t matter how small they are.

CHUCK Small. Like a Wurlitzer jukebox?

JOHNNY Damn right. You know at first, they didn’t call them juke boxes— “juke” comes from-

CHUCK The juke joints, from the 30’s in Mississippi. No bars or dance halls for African-Americans because of Jim Crow, so they just made their own little night clubs.

(JOHNNY looks at CHUCK, but says nothing, quietly impressed.)

I wasn’t always “dust mop guy.”

JOHNNY And I was never an “African-American’. I’m just an old, black motherfucker. But I’ll get me that Wurlitzer. You watch me.

CHUCK I have no doubt, but kind of big for this place, don’t you think? You have to relocate a whole aquarium for a big metal box with what, a hundred songs?

JOHNNY Seventy-two.

CHUCK Seventy-two?

JOHNNY That’s right.


(CHUCK pulls out an Ipod, circa 2003.)

CHUCK I got about nine hundred songs in here.

JOHNNY Good for you. How often you dance to them?

CHUCK I have no one to dance with.

JOHNNY Those damn things killed dancing. Can’t walk over to some lady on a dance floor and say, here- stick these headphones in your ears. But you drop a coin in a jukebox, walk across that floor, look her in the eyes – you hear that rickety arm picking up that record. It’s like that clicking you hear when you go up that first slope on the roller coaster. That moment right before something good happens. You know what I mean?

CHUCK I do. Like in a steakhouse, when they bring you the good knife, right before the Porterhouse gets there.

JOHNNY That’s it. Then the platter drops, that needle crackles down – the lights from the juke make everything the color of bourbon and you take her by the hand and swing her out onto that dance floor like steam coming out of a shower.

CHUCK You’re a bit of a poet.

JOHNNY Maybe some of Denny is rubbing off on me.

CHUCK

(Starting to leave) I got to get back to work. I brought you some extra juices—

JOHNNY That’s O.K. I’m not a diabetic, you know.

CHUCK I know. The kitchen ladies told me. Well, first they laughed at me, then they told me. Then, I think they made fun of me in Spanish.

JOHNNY They did. But they’re right - no diabetes- the one bullet I dodged. Everything else, though. Asthma, hard arteries, high blood pressure, prostate cancer… So, I can’t have salt, a smoke, a steak or a screw but I can have as many goddamn Oreos as I want.


(JOHNNY extends his hand) Anyway, pleased to meet you, “wasn’t-always-a-dust-mop-guy.”

CHUCK (shaking it) Nice to meet you too, “old, black motherfucker.” SCENE 2

(Three weeks later. Lights up on PEG and ANNIE at a table reviewing pictures on a laptop.)

PEG So, she has this sort of terra cotta thing going on, but I’m not that earthy-crunchy.

ANNIE Yeah, looks like she bought out every gift shop in Santa Fe.

PEG Her patio is very nice, she took her plants pretty seriously. I’ve been online trying to figure out what’s what.

(She points it out on the Laptop. ANNIE leans in extremely close.)

ANNIE That’s Lacy Leaf Philodendron, then you have Asparagus Fern, Anthurium --(off Peg’s look) I have Senior Horticultural Therapy on Wednesdays. She’s got quite the greenhouse.

PEG Yes. With those grow lights and everything. Plus basil, parsley, rosemary…

ANNIE She did a lot of cooking. Poor thing.

PEG Not the best, huh?

ANNIE She tried. Some of her stuff was pretty good. If you didn’t know.

PEG Didn’t know what?

ANNIE What it was. Her meatloaf was the best I ever tasted until she told me it was carrot cake.

PEG (laughs) You said you’re in “assisted”, right?


ANNIE A proud Ass.

PEG Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t appear to be –

ANNIE A decrepit old crone? I don’t see very well. At all. After my husband and I split, I nearly burned the house down making tea. Even with my glasses, I’m legally blind. But when I take these off, I need two German Shepherds and a helper monkey. This computer is nice, it’s bright and you can zoom in real close.

PEG Did you ever consider just getting a dog, for company?

ANNIE Not with these eyes. Last summer a snake got into my screen porch.

PEG I hate snakes.

ANNIE Not a fan either. I broke a broom handle trying to kill the damn thing.

PEG Did you?

ANNIE Yes. And I’m proud to say that that infinity scarf will never hurt another soul.

PEG I see why people like you, Annie. While you were away on your retreat, it felt like this place was missing its mayor.

ANNIE I do try to be social. (pause) The thing that got to me was eating alone. After Kevin and I split, the solo meals got to me. I’ve never liked eating alone – even as a kid – I’m an only child – I used to put stuffed animals at every place setting. That’s probably why I talk so much, no one else ever chimed in. I was always worried about… that story that people create, you know? People see an older woman eating alone and they think a kind of back story – what’s her deal? – Old Maid? Widow? Serial Killer?

PEG I hate to bore you, but I’m only divorced.

ANNIE Recently?


PEG A year ago. Tried to keep the house up, but too many ghosts. Mostly of me.

ANNIE Ghosts?

PEG You don’t want to hear all of this crap.

ANNIE Do I look busy to you?

PEG You sure?

ANNIE Hey! I just confessed to being a scarf murderer who talks to stuffed animals. It’s your turn to reveal something.

PEG Fair enough. With no one else around, I got in my head too much. I felt like I lived with a ghost of my younger self. That young Peg was lurking around every corner. Always there to remind me of a bad choice or decision. “Should have married that first guy, Peg… should have finished that degree, Peg.”

ANNIE It sounds like our ghosts meet for coffee. I hate my younger self. Well, I don’t really hate her, I just envy her tits.

PEG (laughs) For the most part, everything was fine with Alan. Then, about seven years ago, after twenty-five years – he hit me. Not really on purpose. It was ridiculous, we were going away for, well – history’s most organized romantic weekend. I was putting the luggage in the car and as usual, I was not doing it correctly, so he shoved me out of the way. When he did, his hand slipped, and the heel of his hand hit me straight in the mouth. Hard. Hard enough to split the lip. So, the hit was accidental, but the shove wasn’t – and that was just as bad.

ANNIE Definitely.

PEG He was falling over himself with apology – he nearly started crying. Of course, I wasn’t going anywhere then, looking like I did. So I had the whole weekend to think about it. Sitting there, unpacking lingerie with my lip out to here. I started wondering; How long have I been letting myself get shoved out of the way? We tried talking about it for a while. But we both knew that something had shifted. We limped along another year, then called it quits.


ANNIE So sad.

PEG It wasn’t sad so much as strange. I was bored and anxious at the same time. The thing is - Alan was very strict with the kids – the whole time they were growing up, it was like boot camp. His house, we just lived there. So, a lot of clashes. I spent so much time playing peacemaker, defusing stuff between him and the kids that when they left, I was a referee without a game.

ANNIE But you must like having a whole place to yourself.

PEG I don’t know. In two years, I’ll be sixty years old and except for the last few months selling the house, I’ve never lived alone. From my parents, to college roommates to Alan. I’ve already noticed that I talk to myself. I just say out loud what I’m going to do next – “O.K, now I’ll make some egg salad and do the dishes.” Should I be worried?

ANNIE Oh, sweetie. If the FBI ever bugged my room, they’d think eight people with Tourette’s lived there. The stuffed animals have been replaced. Now I whisper sweet nothings to houseplants, and I swear at FOX News.

(DENNIS and JOHNNY enter and move toward the fish tank. PEG and ANNIE review more photos on the laptop.)

DENNIS Who’s going to fix it?

JOHNNY Cross that bridge when we get there. It’s going to have to be a fixer-upper. Fully restored, those Wurlitzers go for 10 grand.

DENNIS So, three grand to buy the fixer upper, and you still need-

JOHNNY Three grand.

DENNIS How do you figure? You have almost four hundred to start.

JOHNNY Had.


DENNIS What happened to it?

JOHNNY I lost it. In, uh… Atlantic City.

DENNIS You lost at Paparoan’s place?

JOHNNY I don’t want to talk about it.

DENNIS How do you lose four hundred dollars playing bingo?

JOHNNY It wasn’t just bingo. He’s got a whole thing going on up there. There’s a little bar, some snacks, he made a roulette wheel out of a lazy Susan -- I’d be impressed if I wasn’t so goddamn mad.

(ANNIE walks over to feed the fish)

DENNIS Sorry. So, we’re back at square one – no money.

JOHNNY No money, and now we got that Mildred to deal with. You know Mildred? From the third floor?

DENNIS Pink housecoat? Smells like Vicks?

JOHNNY That’s her. Now she’s beefing because she doesn’t want the fish tank moved.

DENNIS But she never comes in here. No one ever comes in here!

JOHNNY I’ve been thinking about it. Maybe there’s another way to… uh, deal with the fish.

ANNIE (overhearing) What do you mean?

JOHNNY Maybe they could… have a little accident.

ANNIE What are you talking about?


JOHNNY Real quick. Painless. Someone “accidentally” spills something in the tank. Like bleach or something.

ANNIE What?

DENNIS Bleach? You want to “whack” the fish?

JOHNNY Take it easy!

DENNIS You want to re-execute Julius and Ethel Rosenberg?

ANNIE Johnny, that’s horrible!

JOHNNY It’s not horrible. Be doing them a favor. Look at ‘em. Same four walls. Glassy-eyed, just staring at each other, day in, day out. What kind of goddamn life is that?

(A long pause. No one moves.) OK, maybe we don’t whack the fish.

PEG We don’t need to. I got it covered.

JOHNNY What?

PEG I liked your idea, Johnny. And I wanted to start meeting people, so I took it upon myself to write up a little petition. I got eighty-five signatures. Eighty-two in favor of moving the tank to the lobby.

JOHNNY Damn Peg – all this AND gluten. You get to stay.

DENNIS Who were the three opposed?

PEG I’m not at liberty to say.

ANNIE I’m guessing Carmen, Pink Housecoat Mildred and that new guy with the huge earlobes.


PEG You’re amazing.

DENNIS Now all we need is three grand and a jukebox repairman.

(DENNIS moves toward the table.)

JOHNNY All right, let’s talk phase one…

ANNIE Not now, Johnny. You’re interrupting Peg’s “design consultation”. (to Peg) Anyway, once you get rid of the gas grill and the smoker, the patio will be less crowded, and you can move those plants to –

(DENNIS looks at the laptop screen)

DENNIS I don’t think I’ve ever seen Angela’s garden during the day. You took these pictures?

PEG I did.

DENNIS They’re nice. (noticing something) Oh, look at that. Well, at least she died happy.

PEG What do you mean?

DENNIS Let’s just say you’ll have more than enough herb for that garden.

JOHNNY What?

(JOHNNY walks over and looks over DENNIS’ shoulder.)

DENNIS She was smoking more than salmon.

PEG You mean— that’s marijuana? That’s a pot plant?

DENNIS Yes. (pointing it out on laptop) That’s a pot plant. And that’s a pot plant. And that, that and that are pot plants.


(PEG looks closer.)

ANNIE Oh my God.

PEG No wonder the only thing in her pantry was Funyons.

JOHNNY (laughing) You can take the girl out of Woodstock…

ANNIE She did have cancer. Maybe it was therapeutic.

PEG That’s enough therapy for Burning Man.

ANNIE A drug dealer. (whispered) We had a drug dealer here.

PEG We don’t know that. Maybe she was just a – horticulturist-

DENNIS Well, you know what they say-- “You can lead a horticulture—”

(JOSEFINA enters)

JOSEFINA “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker.

(ANNIE quickly closes the laptop to hide the photos)

DENNIS Here she is, my star pupil. Did you like the book?

JOSEFINA I liked Parker and Tallulah Bankhead, but Woollcott sounds like he was kind of bitchy.

DENNIS He was an impotent, gay, obese theatre critic in 1920, he had every right to be bitchy.

JOSEFINA Johnny, I didn’t know this was a team effort, but Peg dropped off a list of signatures this morning. You’re pretty devoted to this project, Peg – considering you don’t even live here.

JOHNNY She just became an honorary longhorn.


JOSEFINA I see. Congratulations. Anyway…

(She walks toward the fish tank) When and if the time comes, we’ll move the fish to the lobby, and you’ll have your location and your outlet.

(She sprinkles some food in) Buen apetito, César Chávez!

JOHNNY Phase one, done!

JOSEFINA Phase two might be a little harder. I still don’t know how you’re going to come up with what, three thousand dollars?

(JOSEFINA exits. A long pause. PEG walks over to the laptop and opens it back up. She looks at the screen. She looks at JOHNNY, who smiles. JOHNNY looks at Dennis, who also smiles. PEG, JOHNNY and DENNIS look at ANNIE, who slowly realizes, but doesn’t smile.)

ANNIE Oh, no.

SCENE 3

(Lights up on DENNIS at same place as in previous scene, TYLER is changing the batteries in a smoke detector. He wears a tool belt with various tools and a feather duster.)

TYLER So, I bring Kim the drink and we’re sitting there with Lauren and Melissa, and completely out of nowhere, she looks at me and says; “You know, Tyler - it’s amazing. I really don’t get tired of you.” And everyone else at the table is like, Awwwww… isn’t that sweet. But it wasn’t sweet – she said it like it was a surprise. She said it like, “It’s AMAZING. I REALLY don’t get tired of you.” Like she expected to get tired of me, and when she didn’t, she thought it was (air quotes) amazing. Amazing is the key word - amazed at her own discovery that she’s not tired of me after 6 months. Because, I guess a huge bore is what I’m expected to be, so when I’m not – it’s AMAZING! (pause) Dennis?


(DENNIS looks over, smiles. He then realizes and adjusts his hearing aid.)

DENNIS I’m sorry, what?

TYLER Nothing.

(TYLER pulls a feather duster out of his tool belt and moves to a bookshelf.)

Did you know that eighty percent of dust is actually flakes of dead skin?

DENNIS That’s probably why they named it dust.

TYLER Whatta ya mean?

DENNIS Well, the other way, it just didn’t roll off the tongue at funerals; “Ashes to Ashes, dead skin flakes to dead skin flakes—"

TYLER (picking up a book) “The Algonquin. Tales from the Round Table.” They wrote a book about this dump?

DENNIS Respect the house, son.

TYLER Sorry.

DENNIS There was this hotel in New York City called The Algonquin – still there, I think. Through most of the 1920’s this group of writers, actors, critics used to meet there for lunch. The Algonquin Round table.

TYLER Like who?

DENNIS The most brilliant creative minds of the day. Robert Benchley, George S. Kaufman, Dorothy Parker. (No reaction from Tyler) Harpo Marx?

TYLER Duck Soup! (Quoting, a pretty-decent Groucho) “I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.”


DENNIS Pretty good, but that’s Groucho.

TYLER I know, man. How am I gonna quote Harpo?

DENNIS Good point. So, you’re a Marx Brothers fan?

TYLER Marx Brothers, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd – I mean, Lloyd hanging off the clock, Keaton with the train? Those guys were like, acrobats.

DENNIS Bit before your time. Then again, it’s before my time, as well.

TYLER Really?!

DENNIS Watch it.

TYLER My grandfather was into all those guys. I like old things.

DENNIS This must be your dream job, then. Take the book with you. It’s mine, you’re welcome to it.

TYLER

(Reading) “Guns aren’t lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.” Whoa. That’s some dark shit, dude.

DENNIS Dorothy Parker was a dark lady. That’s one of her best, it’s called Resume, written in 1926.

TYLER Nothing wrong with your memory.

DENNIS Yes, there is. One of the great jokes God plays on you is making sure you remember everything that will do you absolutely no good. Old age is like showing up at a bowling alley every week wearing ice skates. I can quote Dorothy Parker for days, but I can’t tell you what we had for dinner last night-


(JOHNNY enters)

JOHNNY Fish tacos! Muy Bueno!

TYLER I gotta go. You know Carmen?

DENNIS The one who had the stroke, right? Poor thing.

TYLER That’s her. Anyway, she’s got that long hair, so her sink is stopped up again. Wish me luck. I’m not big on plumbing.

DENNIS Why doesn’t Chuck do it?

TYLER He can’t do room maintenance, yet. Just common areas. Not till his six-month review. Plus, Carmen would freak if she knew.

JOHNNY Knew what?

TYLER That he’s an ex-con.

(realizing) Oh, dude. You didn’t know. Yeah. From that halfway house, near the airport? Josefina hired him from that “hope” program. Hey, don’t tell I her I told you.

DENNIS We won’t.

TYLER Carmen’s right. I talk too much. She always does the “chatterbox” thing at me.

(He demonstrates a chattering hand gesture) She hates me.

DENNIS She just had a stroke, Tyler. Right now, I think she hates anybody who can talk. Did you know Carmen used to be a surgeon? Well known, too. Wrote articles and everything. Next time you see her, say “Hello, Dr. Shinday.” Bit of respect goes a long way.

TYLER You think?


DENNIS Couldn’t hurt.

(TYLER leaves. As soon as he’s out of earshot)

JOHNNY Where are they?

DENNIS They’ll be here.

JOHNNY OK, before they get here. We need to pick a name.

DENNIS For what?

JOHHNY The plan. All the great plans have a name: Operation Condor, Operation Desert Storm-

DENNIS I’m assuming you have some options.

JOHNNY Yeah. “Operation Stool Softener.”

DENNIS That’s disgusting.

JOHNNY I know it is. That’s the point. Think about it – all these people walking around here, just listening to each other’s conversations. And most of these old folks can’t keep their mouths shut. They’re all gossips. If they hear about our plan, Joey’s gonna find out and we’re sunk.

DENNIS So, you want to drug them with laxatives?

JOHNNY It’s like this; if we’re talking about “the plan”, and anyone suddenly walks by or comes within earshot, we just instantly switch gears and start talking about stool softeners. Pretty common topic around here, so no one’ll pay attention and even if they do, it’s not a conversation anyone wants to stick around to hear the end of.

DENNIS What are the other options?

JOHNNY That’s all I got so far. Thought I had a winner.

(ANNIE and PEG enter. PEG has a plate of


chocolate chip cookies. ANNIE immediately sits on the floor, cross-legged in a meditation pose)

ANNIE I have to meditate.

(She starts chanting “OM”)

JOHNNY Annie, we got a meeting planned.

PEG Give her a minute, she’s a little nervous.

ANNIE Try terrified. And when I get terrified I either eat, or I meditate. Of course, Peg has to pick today to bake tollhouse cookies, so meditation it is.

DENNIS Why not just have a cookie?

PEG She did. Had three actually.

ANNIE And they didn’t help, so “OM”

(She continues quietly meditating throughout)

JOHNNY O.K. Meeting’s in session.

(JOHNNY pulls out some notes) Logistics and planning for “Operation – (looks at Dennis) Tollhouse.” Team members present: Dennis?

DENNIS Present.

JOHNNY Peg?

PEG Present.

JOHNNY Annie?

ANNIE (Chanting) Om.


JOHNNY Now. I’m thinking there are five steps in the process. Harvesting, Packaging, Sales, Transport and Distribution. Peg, obviously harvesting and packaging is at your house. I have sales experience, Dennis has got the wheelchair, so he’s our mule.

DENNIS First “Ass”, then “Longhorn”, now a mule…

JOHNNY Focus! Now, distribution – since Annie knows everybody…

ANNIE I can’t do this! I can’t, I’m so light-headed – I think I’m having a panic attack.

(She walks upstage and grabs another cookie) I’m Irish, we have substance abuse issues. If I’m close enough to even smell that stuff – I could go right down the rabbit hole. I don’t want to end up a drug addict!

JOHNNY You’re not going to be a drug addict.

DENNIS You’re going to be a drug dealer.

(PEG laughs)

ANNIE That’s not funny! I mean it. I know my family history. There’s a lot of addiction. First, I’ll get hooked, then I’ll become a junkie. Then we’ll get caught, and I’ll end up in jail, going down on some prison guard just to score a Tylenol PM.

JOHNNY

(Reaching into his pocket) What could I get for an Advil?

ANNIE This is illegal. Do you realize what we’re talking about? We’re talking about selling-

DENNIS (shouting) Stool Softener!

(ANNIE, JOHNNY and PEG look at DENNIS. A moment later, TYLER strolls into the room)

JOHNNY Yup. Like I said, so I hadn’t gone for like four, five days, so finally, I took some Dulcolax, and then I remembered that that night was our party for Cinco de Mayo-

(TYLER makes an abrupt about face and exits.


DENNIS waits until he’s sure he’s out of earshot, then, quietly to JOHNNY)

DENNIS You’re a genius.

PEG What the hell was that about?

JOHNNY It’s code. We’ll explain later. First off, in order to sell this stuff, we have to find out exactly what this stuff is.

PEG Right. I started some online research, looking at pictures of different strains to see what we have-

ANNIE Do it at the library! Not at your house. I’ve seen it on Dateline, they can see what you’re researching and track you down, then they take your computer and before you know it, Chris Hansen is interviewing a pervert in your kitchen.

DENNIS Annie, you’ve got to talk to someone about this paranoia.

ANNIE I’m not paranoid!

PEG Yeah, you probably are.

ANNIE Why do you say that?

PEG Because you’ve eaten three cookies.

(PEG starts to giggle. ANNIE, who is still holding the remainder of a cookie, looks at it and smells it. She realizes there’s marijuana in the cookie and is aghast. She drops it like it’s radioactive.)

ANNIE Oh my God…

PEG Look, like Johnny said, we have to do some research, test what we have. I’m thinking we may have the Indica variety rather than the Sativa-


ANNIE You drugged me. I’m a lab rat.

PEG Oh, relax - I had a couple yesterday, and I’m fine.

JOHNNY Toss those cookies over here.

ANNIE Gateway drug! Gateway drug! This is like when they put something in your drink…

JOHNNY Beats the shit out of banana bread.

ANNIE Roofies!

PEG Take it easy.

ANNIE This is Roofies with Cookies. You gave me Rookies.

PEG I thought we could all try them. I was going to tell you. I didn’t know you were going to scarf down three cookies in ten minutes.

DENNIS Four.

ANNIE I’m going to overdose! I’m going to O.D! (To DENNIS) Quick! Stick something down my throat!

DENNIS That’ll cost you a Tylenol PM.

(ANNIE attempts to induce vomiting on herself.)

ANNIE I’m a junkie. I’m an Irish Junkie.

DENNIS Would that make you “Blarney-Stoned?”

PEG AND JOHNNY (laughing – doing rimshot) Ba-dum-bum (etc.)

(CHUCK enters, with a dust mop – ANNIE


immediately runs up to him.)

ANNIE Hello, I think I am having an episode-

CHUCK I’ll get the orange juice.

(CHUCK leaves the dust mop and runs out.)

PEG Relax, Annie. Come with me. We’ll hang at my place. We’ll watch Jerry Springer. That’ll help you vomit.

JOHNNY These are good. Pecans?

PEG Walnuts – and dark chocolate morsels, not milk.

JOHNNY Damn.

ANNIE No, just take me home.

PEG My place first.

ANNIE No.

PEG Annie…

ANNIE Take me home!

PEG My house. I’ll make Nachos.

ANNIE O.K.

DENNIS I have to go, too.

JOHNNY You want a cookie?


DENNIS No thanks. For breakfast I snorted a macaroon.

(ANNIE, PEG and DENNIS exit. A moment later JOSEFINA enters, followed by CHUCK who is holding two six packs of orange juice)

JOSEFINA What’s up? Is Annie sick?

JOHNNY Oh, no – Just a little stomach thing, she’s fine.

CHUCK She didn’t seem fine. She was panicked.

JOSEFINA She’s Annie, she panics when we switch the clocks for daylight savings.

JOHNNY We’re good- sorry to bother you, Joey.

JOSEFINA Johnny, for the hundredth time – it’s pronounced “Ho-sefina” the J is like an H.

JOHNNY I know that, but “Hoey” is a lousy nickname.

JOSEFINA You could actually just use my full name, you know.

JOHNNY Oh, come on! Where I grew up, everyone had a nickname – “Cherry”, “Bubbles”, “Sugar”-

JOSEFINA You grew up in a strip club?

JOHNNY I grew up on Lafayette Avenue. Just like you.

JOSEFINA OK, if those are my choices, I’ll take Joey. (pause) You remember the Texas Hot Lunch on Castle Hill?

JOHNNY Best chili in New York.

JOSEFINA The chili was good, but that brisket sandwich? Divine. With that good bread from the Portuguese bakery?


JOHNNY You’re killing me. That sweet vinegar cole slaw they made? Is it still there?

JOSEFINA No. Drove by when I saw my Mom last Christmas. It’s a cell phone place now. (pause) So sad. My grandfather, the one who worked construction? He ate lunch there all the time.

JOHNNY So did mine.

JOSEFINA Vanishing. Just vanishing. Damn. Now I want a brisket sandwich. My key lime yogurt is just not going to cut it. Chuck, stop by when you’re done in here, we have to schedule the carpet cleaning.

CHUCK Sure thing.

(JOSEFINA leaves. CHUCK hands the six pack of juice to JOHNNY and begins to dust mop the room.)

JOHNNY How’s it going, Chuck?

CHUCK (thrown by the familiarity) Uh, fine.

JOHNNY Little late for you, huh? Isn’t this the other guy’s shift? What’s his name… Taylor.

CHUCK Tyler.

JOHNNY Yeah, Tyler.

CHUCK Normally, it would be, but I’m staying late today, he had plans.

JOHNNY Long day. Must be tough to unwind afterwards.

CHUCK What’s that?

JOHNNY I said –


(sounding rehearsed) It must be tough to unwind after a hard day’s work, what do you do to relax, have a couple of beers?

CHUCK Never been a beer guy. It doesn’t agree with me.

JOHNNY Oh. Scotch?

CHUCK I don’t drink, actually.

JOHNNY So what, herbal tea, maybe?

CHUCK TV. Pretty much wind down with TV, and I read a lot.

JOHNNY Not exactly a party-animal are you?

CHUCK That animal is extinct.

JOHNNY So, Tyler dumped this shift on you, huh?

CHUCK I don’t mind, I guess there’s this band that he likes – never misses them when they’re in town. “Touch of Grey” - bunch of old guys doing covers of Grateful Dead songs.

(Long Pause)

JOHNNY Really?

SCENE 4

(Lights up on JOHNNY, DENNIS and PEG at table. ANNIE paces.)

PEG So, it looks like Tyler’s our guy. I checked out his car. Late model Subaru Outback. Climbing gear in the back, Whole Foods bag and an “Al Gore” bumper sticker.

DENNIS Tell-tale signs.


PEG Plus, if he goes to those Grateful Dead shows, it’s a safe bet he can find customers.

JOHNNY Chuck may be able to help us there too.

PEG Chuck? The other maintenance guy? You said he was a teetotaler.

JOHNNY He is, but he may have some friends.

DENNIS He’s got kind of a checkered past.

ANNIE (blurting) I can’t do it. I barely slept last night. I’m out.

PEG What do you mean, out?

ANNIE I’m telling Josefina! (She pronounces the J)

DENNIS (pronouncing it correctly, with J as H/CH sound) “Ho-sephina.”

ANNIE “Ho-sephina!” I know! I know how to pronounce her name, I’m just nervous. I’m not going up the river for you all.

JOHNNY What about the Wurlitzer?!

ANNIE But what if she finds out?

DENNIS Who?

ANNIE Josefina!

(Again, she pronounces the “J”)

PEG, DENNIS AND JOHNNY “HO-sephina!”

ANNIE

(ANNIE exaggerates a phlegmatic Spanish “H” on


all that follow) Ho-sephina! Ho-sephina! I’m not going to Hail, Hust so Hohnny can have a Hukebox!

DENNIS Calm down.

ANNIE I can’t. I’m a wreck.

DENNIS Hang on, relax for a minute. We know that it’s risky, but when’s the last time we had something like this to look forward to? Annie, you have your needlepoint and your bible study. But we don’t all have that. Maybe we need a little something more. You come back to the Algonquin after your activities and your retreats – and we’re just sitting here staring at Joan of Arc and…

(He looks at the tank) Hey, what happened to Mandela?

ANNIE I just don’t know about this…

JOHNNY Who did you like growing up, Annie?

ANNIE What do you mean, who did I like?

JOHNNY Like to listen to. When you walked up to a jukebox, whose name would you look for?

ANNIE This is silly-

JOHNNY Come on!

DENNIS Yeah, Annie. Who got those Irish eyes smiling?

ANNIE This has nothing to do with…

PEG Who was it, Annie? Every teenage girl had one singer that just…

ANNIE Roy Orbison.


JOHNNY Orbison, a legend.

ANNIE There was a diner on Tremont Avenue, called Frankie B’s. They had those little tabletop jukebox things in the booths. There was a record of Roy Orbison singing Danny Boy.

DENNIS I know it well.

ANNIE I heard Danny Boy about a million times growing up. I was so sick of it. But when he sang it – with that ache in that sweet tenor voice. It’s like I had never heard it before. I’d just be sitting there eating french fries and crying.

JOHNNY O.K. - Roy Orbison. Playing on the jukebox. You’re seventeen. Drinking an egg cream.

(ANNIE closes her eyes)

ANNIE Cherry Coke.

JOHNNY Cherry Coke. And some kid with slicked back hair takes the seat next to you. Pack of “Luckies” in his sleeve.

ANNIE Yuck. No “Luckies”. But keep going.

JOHNNY O.k. No “Luckies”. He’s wearing a leather jacket.

ANNIE Cardigan.

PEG Cardigan?

ANNIE It’s MY flashback!

JOHNNY It’s her flashback, Peg.

(JOHNNY gestures to DENNIS to provide some ambience. DENNIS sings. It is angelic.)

DENNIS And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me


And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be

(JOHNNY walks over, and as best as he can with his cane, he starts to dance with ANNIE)

If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

(PEG joins DENNIS on the final line. TYLER enters)

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

(JOHNNY does a slow, extended twirl with ANNIE, who is now nearly in a dream-state. As she turns out of the twirl, her face stops uncomfortably close to the slightly unnerved TYLER.)

TYLER Hi.

ANNIE Hi. (pause) Do you want to buy some pot?

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE 1

(JOHNNY is looking at his puzzle book. CHUCK enters, passing through with hedge clippers on his way outside)

CHUCK Good morning, Johnny.

JOHNNY Morning.

CHUCK It’s early, picnic tables are clear. You want to sit outside? Keep me company?

JOHNNY Too hot for me. Nearly finished with this. Four letters, ends in “O”. Clue is fat tuna.

CHUCK Toro. T-O-R-O.

JOHNNY That’s Japanese.

CHUCK Yup.

JOHNNY Crossword’s not hard enough they got to use Japanese.

CHUCK You ever had it? Sushi?

JOHNNY Raw fish? (Chuck nods) Not on purpose. Now, those fish tacos-

CHUCK You should be their spokesman.

JOHNNY I tell ya, if my wife could’ve cooked like that, I wouldn’t have killed her.

(pause)

CHUCK What did you say?

JOHNNY I guess I crack that joke a lot, huh?


CHUCK That’s supposed to be a joke?

(Long pause – then CHUCK continues to the door)

JOHNNY O.K, not my best. My wife was a pretty good cook, but once she got that crock pot it was over. Nothing on God’s green earth needs to be cooked for eight hours.

CHUCK Yeah.

JOHNNY Then she got bored with the crock pot and for some reason, started making everything out of turkey. Turkey chili, turkey meatballs, turkey jerkey – I always thought the cows and pigs had to be happy about that!

(He laughs, CHUCK does not)

CHUCK Yeah.

(long pause)

JOHNNY Look, I think about Rosie every day. I’m just wisecracking - it’s just something I say.

CHUCK It’s just - a strange thing to joke about.

JOHNNY OK, ok – sorry. Jesus.

CHUCK I don’t find it funny.

JOHNNY Look, you made your point, O.K? But around here, a little sense of humor might come in handy.

CHUCK Yeah, well - I lost my sense of humor.

JOHNNY You sure as shit did.

CHUCK Lost it right about the time I killed my wife.


JOHNNY OK, let it go for chrissakes. It’s not funny.

CHUCK No, it’s not. It’s not funny at all.

(A long pause.)

JOHNNY So, what Tyler said, it’s true?

CHUCK Depends what he said.

JOHNNY That you got hired out of that state program?

CHUCK Yes.

(A long pause.)

JOHNNY Can I ask you something?

CHUCK Sure.

JOHNNY You want to put those hedge clippers down, first?

CHUCK What? Oh-

(Realizing, CHUCK sets them down on the table.)

JOHNNY That program, what’s it called?

CHUCK The “Project Hope Reentry Initiative.”

JOHNNY I read about it.

CHUCK It was in all the papers.

JOHNNY If you don’t mind me asking – how can they let you work around a bunch of us old people?


CHUCK I didn’t… murder my wife. It’s a long story.

JOHNNY I look busy to you?

CHUCK (long pause) I was an English professor. I used to teach at New Paltz. The State College down there? Anyway. End of the semester faculty party. I had 3 martinis in an hour. Then I started drinking.

JOHNNY Damn.

CHUCK Driving home, about a half a mile from our house on 17, I drifted over the center line, head-on into another car. I killed my wife and I killed the other driver. A sophomore named Chris Metzger. He was a swimmer.

JOHNNY Dear Lord.

CHUCK My third at bat with drunk driving. That, along with two people dead made it Vehicular Manslaughter, first degree. I was in Greenhaven for nine years.

JOHNNY Nine years?

CHUCK Yeah. And now, ten years sober. Actually, ten and a half, but I don’t count the first six months. Hard to shake a martini with two broken arms.

JOHNNY My Rosie was sick. She passed, I can’t imagine if..

CHUCK No, you can’t. It’s like – it’s like you have a beautiful sculpture in your house, or like a Ming Vase or something – priceless. And then, one day – for no reason, except you’re drunk, again - you just take a hammer to it, smash it into a million pieces. And there’s shards and dust and fragments all over the floor. And everyone tries to console you, tells you that time heals all wounds -

JOHNNY Time heals shit. No one who needs the healing ever said that.

CHUCK Those pieces, those shards - they just get stuck there – and you can’t clean them up. They just


become a part of your floor. So you wake up, and you walk over and through the splinters and the fragments and you go to work or you go to the park, or a diner. And during the day maybe it does fade a bit. Maybe you do forget a little. But then you come home, and you open that door and that same mess is waiting for you. Every day.

(CHUCK picks up the hedge clippers and starts toward the door. He looks at JOHNNY.)

I hope you get that jukebox, Johnny. I really do. There’s a lot to be said for going back in time. I got to get to work.

JOHNNY Wait. Let me join you. Grab my juice, would you?

CHUCK Sure. (He does) Hey, I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to go into all of this -

JOHNNY Hey. Don’t be sorry. This is what we do here. We talk. It’s the fifth thing.

CHUCK Thanks.

JOHNNY Where’s your partner today? Day off?

CHUCK No, he’s in talking to Josefina. I guess something weird went down yesterday he wanted to talk to her about. Her office door is closed. Never seen that before, it looks pretty serious.

(CHUCK leaves)

JOHNNY (quietly) Shit.

SCENE 2

(JOHNNY, ANNIE, DENNIS and PEG are all present. Waiting for the principal.)

ANNIE Have any of you ever seen a women’s prison?

PEG Stop it.

ANNIE I knew this was going to happen. This is it for me. Up the river. I don’t know how I’m going to cut it. I’ll make a lousy lesbian.


DENNIS As a proud owner of rainbow flag boxer shorts, I think you’ll make a fine lesbian. Think about it. You’re good with plants and you love dogs.

PEG I didn’t know you were gay, Dennis.

JOHNNY What? How can you not? Every five minutes he quotes Dorothy Parker.

DENNIS Only gay in thought these days. I don’t talk about it much – it makes Johnny uncomfortable.

JOHNNY It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. We just spend a lot of time together in here. I just don’t want people to, you know… make assumptions.

DENNIS Who’s going to make assumptions, Johnny? No. One. Ever. Comes. In. Here.

ANNIE I feel so guilty.

JOHNNY Annie, you didn’t do anything. You got nothing to feel guilty about.

ANNIE You don’t know much about Catholicism, do you?

DENNIS If you think it, you did it!

ANNIE And that Tyler -- sang like a canary, didn’t know he would rat us out.

PEG He’s a young kid, he’s probably concerned about his job.

ANNIE (To Peg) Can you request cell mates? Because if you and I go in together--

(JOSEFINA enters) Stool Softener!

JOSEFINA Thank you all for coming. I think you pretty much know what all of this is about. Normally this discussion would take place in my office but given that this seems to be a syndicate of sorts, there’s not enough room in there. Now, the first thing I’d like to know…


ANNIE It was Peg’s idea!

PEG Annie!

ANNIE I will not swing for you!

JOHNNY Stool pigeon!

DENNIS Stool softener!

(PEG, DENNIS and JOHNNY giggle)

JOSEFINA What?

DENNIS It’s code.

JOSEFINA Let’s just get some things straight. Peg, you moved into Angela Bazzoni’s place on what, the 8th?

PEG That’s right.

JOSEFINA And you noticed the plants right away?

PEG There was so much of her stuff around, it took me a while to address the porch and the greenhouse. I mean, of course I noticed the plants, I just didn’t know what kind they were, at first.

JOHNNY OK, Matlock, she’s an Indie, that’s a private residence-

(Again, the two speak completely over each other.)

BLANK REMAINDER OF PAGE IS INTENTIONAL.


.

ANNIE (BREAKING OUT) Stop it! Stop it, I can’t take this!

(they all stop the cacophony) I am a nice, Irish lady from Yonkers-

(TYLER enters) --who is going to end up a junkie in an orange jumpsuit, blowing prison guards…

JOHNNY Look, don’t give her the third degree.* She was just trying to help us, you know - improve the quality of life here. You know how long we’ve wanted to get this jukebox, but there’s no way any of us has that kind of money. This thing falls in her lap, and what does she do, she decides to use it to benefit all of us. All of us. Sitting here like a bunch of glassy-eyed fish - and speaking of which Ethel Rosenberg is starting to swim sideways. Joey, I know this is unusual, but don’t punish her, it was all of us, even “Shotgun” Annie over here. If anyone’s at fault, it’s me. It was my idea in the first place…

JOSEFINA (*=Josefina starts) I am fully aware it’s a private residence. And I am not giving anyone the third degree, it is just my job to keep this place running and we can’t have activity of this kind going on** without my knowledge. You won’t find anyone more open-minded than me, but the laws in New York State are very specific about this sort of thing. Yes, it was very generous of her, but we’re not talking about writing a check here, we’re talking about the selling of a controlled substance at a state-run facility. And does anyone else know about this, is there some sort of pot-posse out there?

PEG (**=PEG starts) Now wait a minute, Josefina. Johnny is not to blame here, this was my idea in the first place. The pot was at my house. I take full responsibility *** for introducing the plan. Maybe it wasn’t right to involve Tyler, but I think Johnny was just kind of desperate to try something that would generate the funds, you know better than me how long he’s been trying to make this happen…

DENNIS (***=DENNIS starts) I disagree, Peg. It was a collective decision to move ahead with this. And it was a very generous gesture on your part to involve us. You didn’t have to share your “bounty” with us at all, it was a very considerate thing to do…


(TYLER makes an about face and exits)

JOSEFINA Annie! Stop watching Dateline! Everybody just calm down, OK? What’s the scope of the problem here – how many plants are we talking about? Two, three?

PEG Seven.

JOSEFINA Seven!

PEG Yes. And according to my research, fully mature Sativa plants. Possibly Blue Dream. They’re -

JOSEFINA There are seven plants?

PEG Yes, plus grow lights and some other stuff. Rolling papers, lighters, and there’s a water-pipe, a bong, that’s shaped like, uh-

DENNIS Your umbrella stand?

JOSEFINA Seven fully grown plants, plus – paraphernalia.

PEG Yes.

JOSEFINA Alright. (long pause) I’ll give you thirty-five hundred.

JOHNNY What?

JOSEFINA But I keep the grow lights.

PEG YOU want to buy them?

JOSEFINA Seven mature plants? Yes. And if it’s Blue Dream, that’s a very high yield. I’ll pick them up at your place on Thursday night, if that works. Private residence and all, like you said. My brother has a dry-cleaning business, I’ll use his van.


DENNIS YOU want to buy them?

ANNIE Oh my God, we’re drug dealers.

(ANNIE takes out a rosary. She begins meditating again.)

JOSEFINA Take it easy, Annie. I’ll see you Thursday night, Peg?

PEG Uh. Fine.

DENNIS You really want to buy them?

JOHNNY God Bless our Lady of Lafayette Avenue.

JOSEFINA Don’t blaspheme in here, Johnny. It’s funny, if not for you this wouldn’t be happening. You know what it takes to wind down after a day of dealing with you?

JOHNNY So, being a pain in the ass has finally paid off.

JOSEFINA Finally.

(JOSEFINA leaves. The rest of them sit in stunned silence for a few moments--)

DENNIS (SOFTLY SINGING) “But come ye back when summer's in the meadow, Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow, (Johnny and Peg join Dennis singing. Annie continues her quiet meditation.) And I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, Oh, Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy – I love you so!

(The lights fade, but the singing continues, slowly underscored by a tinny radio broadcast of Danny Boy. Then the voices fade, and the music continues


as it leads into…)

SCENE 3

The stage is empty, and the music from the scene change continues to play, segueing into a radio broadcast from the 1940’s – during the broadcast, CHUCK and TYLER appear onstage with a dolly, silently moving a large crate covered with a tarp. They set it downstage center, removing the tarp and then lifting off the crate. The “jukebox” (invisible to audience) remains.

D.J. ANNOUNCER (V/0 OR RECORDED) “—and that was the unofficial anthem of the emerald isle on this bee-ay-ootiful St. Patrick’s Day in the big apple. Before that we had Doris Day and Buddy Clark with “Love Somebody” that is staying at number seven on our hit parade. For those of you bobbysoxers and Ol’ Blues Eyes-wannabees – the FOUR DEUCES nightclub on Morris Park Avenue in the Bronx will be hosting a USO ice cream social from 3:00 PM to 5:00 PM or I guess that would be until seventeen hundred hours. They’re sporting a brand-new Jukebox and let me tell you, if you haven’t seen that baby– it’s like something out of Flash Gordon. So stop by, have a cone, support our boys – but if you’re looking for me, Bobby McVee, I’ll be sipping’ a Rum and Coca Cola with the Andrews Sisters – coming up right after these words from Post Cereals.”

(CHUCK exits with the dolly, leaving TYLER in the room. He uses his feather duster to dust the “jukebox”. DENNIS enters)

DENNIS Is Johnny mad at you for snitching?

TYLER No, he’s cool. Josefina, too. Never seen her so laid back.

DENNIS I bet.

TYLER What do you think of the Wurlitzer?

DENNIS Looks like an old hooker.


TYLER Don’t let Johnny hear you say that.

DENNIS Are you kidding? He loves old hookers. And much like a painted lady, she looks better in pictures. A little rough around the edges in real life.

TYLER Work in progress. Hey, thanks for the book.

(TYLER puts the book back on the shelf.) It was awesome - that Woollcott guy?

DENNIS Alexander.

TYLER Yeah. He said something that I saw on a T-shirt like two weeks ago! “Everything I like is either immoral, illegal or… “

DENNIS …fattening.” A classic. He was the one who forst brought Harpo Marx to the Round Table, you know. He did love Harpo.

TYLER Yeah, Harpo was cool.

DENNIS No. I mean he loved him.

TYLER Oh, right - he was, like —

DENNIS Yeah, he was “like” me. Woollcott was kind of a snooty critic, but a huge fan of the Marx Brothers. He would write reviews for their stage shows. They read like love letters to Harpo.

TYLER Yeah, it’s in the book.

DENNIS I’m glad you liked it.

TYLER I did. (pause) And uh, thanks for the advice, too.

DENNIS You’ll have to be more specific, all I do is give advice.


TYLER It worked. The whole being-nice-to-Carmen thing – I mean, Dr. Shinday.

DENNIS You see! What did I tell you? You treat her with respect and it’s a whole different dynamic.

TYLER Yup. It was very dynamic. Especially when she grabbed my ass.

DENNIS What?

TYLER She grabbed my ass. Her bathroom sink is clogged, so I’m trying to take the trap out from underneath, and I drop my channel locks. I bend over to pick them up and she grabs a fistful of my ass. And let me tell you something, for someone with, uh… “deficiencies on her left side” she still has quite the grip.

DENNIS The latest in occupational therapy!

TYLER It’s not funny. I didn’t know what to say. So we just stood there. For like, ever. She’s just smiling at me. The silence was so awkward. And I know SHE’s not gonna say anything. It seemed like an hour. And that’s when I said it.

DENNIS What?

TYLER Just the worst thing anyone has ever said to an 82-year-old woman who just grabbed their ass.

DENNIS The suspense is killing me.

TYLER I said (long pause) “I’ll be back tomorrow (pause) to run a snake through your pipes.”

DENNIS You didn’t.

TYLER I did. And by the way, just because she can’t talk doesn’t mean she can’t laugh her fucking ass off.

DENNIS That’s wonderful.


TYLER It was so embarrassing, Dude!

DENNIS I’m sure it was – but humiliation is often the tax we pay to fund another’s joy.

TYLER Woollcott?

DENNIS No, that one is mine – and I speak from experience. (pause) You made her laugh, “dude”. I never saw Carmen smile before she had her stroke, much less after. You gave her a great gift.

TYLER With my ass?

DENNIS Yes, you have a gift-giving ass. Which could prove awkward at this year’s Secret Santa.

TYLER At least we were alone. Can you imagine if anyone saw us?

DENNIS You’d be the talk of Placid Pines – (mock headline) – “Boy revives stroke victim with magic tuchus.”

TYLER (laughing) Shut up! Cut it out. That’s all I need.

DENNIS Forget about it. I’m sure she already has.

(PEG enters.)

PEG Hiya, Dennis. Tyler. Glad I caught you. Did you talk to Josefina about the…

TYLER - the loose piece of slate by the picnic tables? Yeah. She told me, it’s on my list.

PEG Great.

(She starts to leave then remembers something) Oh, and if you get a chance, could you stop by later and run a snake through my pipes?

TYLER No!


DENNIS Ha!

TYLER How do you know? She can’t talk!

PEG She’s got that little dry erase board. She hung it up by the vending machines.

(TYLER runs out)

DENNIS How’d she fit the whole story on that dry erase board?

PEG She didn’t. It just says: “Ladies: Ask Tyler to snake your pipes.” And there’s a little smiley face. So what happ-

(She sees the jukebox) Oh, my. Look at her. Where’s it from again?

DENNIS Johnny says the guy on Ebay said it was at a USO hall in Manhattan, then a bar in the Bronx. Says it was there until the late seventies. It’s been modified, it plays 45’s as well as the 78s. Johnny wasn’t too happy about that, but it holds more songs that way.

PEG (Reviewing the track listings) Yup, from Benny Goodman to David Bowie. Wow. Has he seen it yet?

DENNIS Not yet. I wanted to be here when he did.

PEG Ohhhh. Love Me Do, Hound Dog, Oh, look! Rockin’ Robin!

DENNIS Bobby Day!

PEG Maybe on your jukebox. On mine it was The Jackson Five. (Singing) “He rocks in the treetops all day long, rockin’ and a boppin’ and singing his song.“

(DENNIS joins her)

DENNIS AND PEG “All the little birdies on jay bird street, love to hear that Robin go tweet, tweet, tweet…”


(CHUCK enters)

CHUCK Has he seen it yet?

PEG Not yet. We wanted to be here.

(JOSEFINA enters, remains standing in the doorway. She is holding something in her hands.)

CHUCK It’s a beauty.

(ANNIE bursts in.)

ANNIE Oh, good! He’s not here yet, I got front row for the unveiling. Chuck, I heard there’s some kind of… a plumbing issue? There’s a whole crowd over by the vending machines. Oh just look at it. Look! Only the Lonely! These edges are scuffed, I have some metal polish from crafts that we could use. I’m surprised he’s not here yet, has anyone…

(JOSEFINA steps forward, she is holding Johnny’s battered New York Yankee hat. She walks over to the card table and sets it down. Silence.)

JOSEFINA I’m afraid that I have some bad news…

DENNIS Stop.

(Long Pause.) It’s OK. We know. We know that voice.

ANNIE When?

JOSEFINA Had to be in the last couple hours. Overnight log doesn’t mention anything. He was fine last night. This morning, he wasn’t.

PEG What about his son?

JOSEFINA I don’t expect much.

(She briefly looks at DENNIS) They hadn’t spoken for years. He’s prepaid everything. Cooney’s is coming by for him in


about an hour. I have to finish the paperwork.

(She starts to leave)

PEG That’s it?

JOSEFINA What’s it?

PEG Cooney’s picks him up, then what?

JOSEFINA Then – that’s it.

PEG Wow. Like a fish.

ANNIE Don’t say that.

PEG Like taking a fish out of the tank.

DENNIS It’s not like that.

PEG How is it different? Is there a new person for the room?

JOSEFINA Yes, there’s always a new person. We do good work. People hear good things about us.

PEG When do they move in?

JOSEFINA Probably late tomorrow.

PEG Tomorrow!

JOSEFINA Yes.

PEG Quite the revolving casket.

ANNIE Peg!


JOSEFINA Look, I know you’re upset – and we are, too.

PEG You don’t seem to be.

JOSEFINA What I seem to be is what I have to be. Let me remind you that we have known Johnny for years, when he first came to this facility-

PEG This “facility”.

JOSEFINA Mrs. Connelly--

PEG Now it’s “Mrs. Connelly.”

JOSEFINA Mrs. Connelly, I realize that you’re new to this community…

PEG So I can’t have an opinion? Look, I may not be a “longhorn” or whatever, but this just seems-

JOSEFINA What?

PEG It seems… very… cold.

DENNIS Peg, I think you-

JOSEFINA I got this, Dennis. Mrs. Connelly, it may seem cold, but there is a protocol. There are logistics, legal requirements from the state – our process is expedient and dignified and works very well for our residents, and let’s just leave it at that.

PEG Leave it at that. Because you don’t want to discuss it.

JOSEFINA Because I can’t discuss it. Not with a resident.

PEG I don’t live here, Josefina – I live in Silver Pine Place. That’s managed separately, right?

JOSEFINA Technically, yes.


PEG So you don’t work for me.

JOSEFINA No. I don’t work for you.

PEG So, I’m just a civilian, an Indie – and this Indie would like to know why more time can’t be taken.

JOSEFINA Why are you pushing this?

PEG I just think they deserve more.

JOSEFINA And you think I don’t? What would you have me do? Should I wring my hands and throw myself over every stretcher that leaves this place?

PEG No, I –

JOSEFINA Maybe we should have a parade? A twenty-one gun salute?

PEG Of course not, but just taking a moment to-

JOSEFINA All I do is take moments. I take moments with the families. I take moments with the staff. I take moments with the departed. I already sat with Johnny this morning. I sat on the end of his bed and I told him the jukebox was here. I told him how pretty it was, and how grateful we are and how much we’d miss him. I closed his eyes for him. I sat with him for thirty minutes, and I held his hand. Then I arranged for him to be picked up and now I’ve come in here to talk to you, and I haven’t had my coffee yet. I spoke to a man who walked the same sidewalks I did as a kid. A man I’ve known for years. How long should I take in these moments, Peg? You want to give me a chart or something, since you’re such an authority on bereavement?

PEG Look, we have all experienced loss-

JOSEFINA Have you? That must be nice, having loss as an experience. I have it as a job. And believe it or not, telling the family is the easy part. They expect it. A phone call from a place like this is never good news. You tell them and they take over the process – they help with the emotions,


with the grieving. It’s when there’s no family to tell. Then me and my tiny staff, we have to do the feeling for everybody. And we have to do all this feeling while we’re doing paperwork and packing up clothes and throwing away slippers or toothbrushes or photos of people who never visited. And Johnny was lucky. It ain’t all harps and angels, Peg. Some people don’t die in their sleep. Some die for years. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I’ve seen. You try my job for five damn minutes and then talk to me about how little I care, or how cold or unfeeling I am or how upset I’m supposed to be. Until then, how about you shut the hell up?

(JOSEFINA leaves. A long, awful pause. DENNIS reaches into the bag strapped to his wheelchair and removes the bottle of brandy. He puts it on the table.)

DENNIS Coffee, anyone?

(The lights fade, and all remain frozen in tableau. Until the only light on stage emanates from the “jukebox” until it, too – fades)

SCENE 4

(Later that day. CHUCK and PEG sit at a table with a plate of cookies.)

CHUCK Are these your special recipe? Johnny told me about your secret ingredient.

PEG These are non-habit forming. Unless you count dark chocolate as a drug.

CHUCK My only one left. How’d you bake these so fast?

PEG They were meant to be celebratory, not memorial – that’s why the cookie is the perfect food. Works for all occasions.

(A long pause) Do you have to – you know – strip his room?

CHUCK No, Tyler is. I can’t do the room visits yet.

PEG Why not?


CHUCK I’m new. It’s a… probationary period. He’s a good kid. He’s actually had more experience with that sort of thing than me. I mean don’t get me wrong – I have extensive experience in the “custodial sciences”, but it was mostly in – other types of institutions.

PEG You don’t sound like a “Custodial Scientist.”

CHUCK What does a custodial scientist sound like?

PEG You’re right. That was very suburban of me.

CHUCK I used to teach. How about you?

PEG I used to be… someone’s wife.

CHUCK I see.

PEG And you’re a widower.

CHUCK Johnny told you.

PEG No one told me. Sometimes you can just tell.

CHUCK Really? Well, the past is a pretty easy guess. The future’s the hard one.

PEG And I’m fresh out of tea leaves.

CHUCK We’ll make do.

(CHUCK plucks a few chocolate chips from his cookie and drops them on the table.)

So, great mystic, please read my chocolate chips and tell me what you see. What does the future hold for this Custodial scientist? Money? Fame? Receding hairline?

PEG

(Reading. A bad fortune teller) As you wish. I see darkness, as there are light bulbs that need replacing, I see angry people,


shouting - seated next to empty toilet paper rolls.

CHUCK (laughing) That’s my future? You’re a fraud. That happened this morning!

(ANNIE wheels DENNIS into the room)

ANNIE Do we even know if that thing works?

CHUCK We don’t. It’s not even plugged in yet. I imagine we’ll try it out in the next few days. Not really the time for it. I got to get back to work. I’m sorry, Dennis. Annie.

ANNIE Thank you.

(CHUCK leaves. PEG offers the tin to ANNIE and DENNIS)

PEG Cookies?

ANNIE I’ll take one.

PEG They’re not “seasoned” if you know what I mean.

ANNIE I was hoping they were.

PEG I just finished those off. Had the last couple of Woodstock cookies myself after Josefina handed me my ass on a platter. Feelin’ no pain right about now.

ANNIE She was very rude.

PEG She was very right.

DENNIS I’ve never seen her lose it like that. (He takes a cookie as well) We went by his room.

PEG Chuck said Tyler was going to take care of it.

ANNIE Done. Finished. Windows washed. Crisp new sheets.


PEG Any word from his son?

DENNIS No. (pause) And there won’t be. Johnny’s son died in 1995.

PEG What?

ANNIE Why did he say he was still alive?

DENNIS He didn’t, Annie. Johnny always said “his boy is in Florida”, and technically he is. Memorial Park Cemetery in Deerfield Beach.

PEG Only you knew?

DENNIS Just me and Josefina. Her for the legal paperwork, and me… I think he just told me because I asked about him too much.

ANNIE That’s so sad.

DENNIS You know, what do you say we formally shut down sadness for the day?

ANNIE I’m all for that.

DENNIS Peg, plug that thing in, would you? Let’s see what we’re working with.

(PEG walks over and plugs it in. A small pool of blue colored light appears downstage, as though given off by the jukebox. All of the action at jukebox is played with imaginary items.)

PEG Wow. I’m nervous, my palms are sweating. I need a quarter! I need a quarter!

(DENNIS gives PEG a quarter) All right. Here goes nothing.

(PEG drops the “coin” into the “jukebox” and presses a few “buttons” – A weak glow of colored light emanates from the “jukebox”. PEG runs up to


join DENNIS and ANNIE as they wait in anticipation. Through sound only, the jukebox crackles to life. We hear the crickety arm move and then, we hear a sizzle, a snap and a near-blackout engulfs the room. Silhouettes are still visible.)

DENNIS Can we just take a moment and agree that, more than a little appropriately, Operation Stool Softener has turned to shit. Let’s look at our scheme so far; first, we become part-time drug dealers to get the money to buy a vintage juke box for a man who dies the night before it arrives.

ANNIE Yes, Dennis, it’s been quite a…

DENNIS …Then, one of our group – who shall remain nameless – becomes an authority on the grieving process, and pisses off the one woman primarily responsible for both our shelter and our food…

PEG OK, I get the point…

DENNIS …the jukebox, which turns out to be broken, and potentially a fire hazard, shorts something out, plunging into darkness our pathetic little trio: A blind Irish woman, A wheelchair-bound geriatric homosexual and their only hope of escape, a short-tempered divorcee who is currently stoned.

PEG Hey! I am not-- short-tempered. You two stay here, I’ll get some help.

(She starts to move toward door in dark)

ANNIE No. I’m not sitting in the dark. I’ll lead you out – I’m blind as a bat, I know this place by feel. But here, use this. There’s a little flashlight clipped to my pepper spray.

DENNIS Pepper spray?

ANNIE Can’t be too careful.

(She lights a miniscule flashlight, and the two


women exit.)

DENNIS

(Long pause, then calling off) O.K. I’ll just wait here then. You know, one day we’ll laugh about this.

PEG (OFFSTAGE) I already am!

DENNIS (To himself) Of course you are. You’re higher than a kite.

(DENNIS reaches into his bag and retrieves his flask of brandy and takes a sip. A bright flashlight beam begins to shine into the room from the exterior archway.)

CHUCK (OFFSTAGE) Anyone in there?

DENNIS Just me and the Christian Brothers.

CHUCK (OFFSTAGE) Can you see me? Can you move toward the light?

DENNIS You know that’s the worst thing you can say to an elderly person?

CHUCK (OFFSTAGE) Hang on.

(There is a loud click and the lights come back on. CHUCK enters holding a flashlight.)

CHUCK There we go. Where are…

DENNIS Peg went for help. Annie went with her to fight off rapists.

CHUCK Excuse me?

(CHUCK moves downstage to inspect the “jukebox”.)

DENNIS Nothing. So, are we all fixed?


CHUCK Not yet. That thing shouldn’t draw enough power to trip the breaker. I’ll look into it on Sunday.

DENNIS Coming in on your day off?

CHUCK I do sometimes.

DENNIS Can’t get enough of the Algonquin, huh?

CHUCK It’s the sparkling conversation. You’re not exactly George S. Kaufman, but you’ll do.

DENNIS I am highly offended. I was shooting for Miss Parker.

CHUCK My wife, Susanne - was a huge Dorothy Parker fan. She looked a bit like her. Tiny thing, four eleven.

DENNIS Then there’s a book over there you might like. Just returned to my personal library.

CHUCK “Tales from the Round Table.” I already read it. Filled another Sunday.

DENNIS Do you ever go home?

CHUCK I like Robert Benchley, his New Yorker articles.

(He moves upstage and picks up the book, thumbing through it)

This book is out of print, you know. You should keep a closer eye on it, someone will walk off with it.

DENNIS Let them. I know the thing by heart.

CHUCK Like my wife. The one… it’s in here (he looks for the page) the one with “I’ll forget the way of tears--”

DENNIS It’s called “Afternoon”...


“When I am old, and comforted, And done with this desire, With Memory to share my bed, And Peace to share my fire, I'll forget the way of tears, And rock, and stir my tea. But oh, I wish those blessed years were further than they be.”

CHUCK That’s the one. Do you know them all?

DENNIS Just about. I’m very old.

CHUCK Old is just a state of mind.

DENNIS So is dementia, what’s your point?

CHUCK I mean, I have no issue with aging. It’s just a journey like anything else.

DENNIS The problem with aging is not the journey, it’s the destination.

CHUCK That’s good. (referring to book) Is that in here?

DENNIS No. That’s an original.

CHUCK You would have fit right in at the Algonquin.

DENNIS Thank you. I like to think so.

CHUCK I think I was born too late. I would have loved it. Brilliant phrases just flying through the air like leaves. Your wit was your shield AND your sword. Sitting by a fireplace with cigarettes and coffee and right outside the window is New York City in 1920. Adams and Parker and Benchley. Harpo Marx, Noel Coward, Tallulah Bankhead. Can you imagine it? No computers, No TV, barely even radio, then. Just conversations. All we needed were words. Talking to one another was enough.

(A long pause.)

DENNIS You know. If I were 30 years younger, there’s the distinct possibility I would be very


attracted to you right now.

CHUCK (laughing) Well, that’s very flattering, Dennis. But unfortunately, I’m not… Alexander Woollcott. I’m just a… former English professor.

DENNIS Tomato/Tomahto. So the juke is a goner, you think?

CHUCK Not necessarily. Could just be loose wiring, or maybe some mice chewed through something. I should be able to fix it.

DENNIS You have to fix it.

(A long pause. Something has shifted.) There has to be something… left. I’m starting to think I need that thing more than Johnny did.

CHUCK Why’s that?

DENNIS You were born too late? I was born too early. And I’m not talking about the Algonquin. I’m talking about being a gay man in the 1960’s. We were faggots then. And we were terrified. And I never really got to owning who I was – who I am, until I ended up here. (pause) You know how strange it is to envy another person’s loss?

CHUCK I don’t understand.

DENNIS I think it would have been easier if I wasn’t alone. Annie and Peg are both divorced. Johnny told me you lost your wife. He lost his wife and his son. I never had anyone to lose.

(pause) But I am going to miss my friend. And when I look at that thing, I see him. It’d be nice to hear him too.

CHUCK I’ll try to fix it.

(Another pause. DENNIS looks at CHUCK.)

CHUCK I’ll fix it.


DENNIS Thank you. Goodnight, Chuck. Watch out for Annie, she’s armed.

CHUCK I’ll be vigilant.

DENNIS Don’t worry too much. That pepper spray she’s holding is eyeglass cleaner.

CHUCK You want me to wheel you back to your room?

DENNIS No. This is fine. I’m going to stay for a bit. Drink a toast to my friend. Goodnight, Chuck.

CHUCK Goodnight, Dennis.

(CHUCK leaves, lights fade out.)

SCENE 5

(DENNIS alone onstage, asleep JOHNNY enters. He is dressed in the clothes of a younger man and no longer uses a cane. His Yankee cap is brand new. Without disturbing DENNIS, JOHNNY takes the flask of Christian Brothers Brandy out of his hand. He goes to take a swig, then realizes it is empty. He puts it back in the bag on DENNIS’ chair, accidentally nudging him and waking him.)

DENNIS Well, this is a surprise. What are you doing here?

JOHNNY I’m cookin’ with gas – my friend.

DENNIS You know, that is in very bad taste if you were cremated.

(JOHNNY pulls out a cigarette and lights it) You’re smoking again?

JOHNNY (Nods) Surgeon General can kiss my dead black ass.

DENNIS How are you, you know - adjusting?


JOHNNY It’s funny. I’m sort of trying to figure out where I am – my timeline. I think I’m about thirty-six years old.

DENNIS I hate to tell you, but you do not look thirty-six.

JOHNNY Well, yeah – cause it’s your dream. But, based on how my hydraulics are working, I’m thirty fucking six.

DENNIS Hydraulics?

JOHNNY Yeah, that’s Rosie’s name for my – junk.

DENNIS Say hi to her for me. You’re missed here, you know.

JOHNNY I was afraid of that. No one wants to be missed. It’s just the wrong word. Missed means something passed you by, that you didn’t get it. You did get something. You got the person for however long you got that person.

DENNIS Still, when someone leaves, there’s a void.

JOHNNY Denny, you can’t miss someone more than I missed Rosie and my boy. Every day I came home, the house was emptier than the day before. For a while, I was thinking about joining them. Then, couple of years after I lost Rosie, I was eating breakfast and this tune came on the radio. “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.”

DENNIS Roberta Flack.

JOHNNY Roberta fuckin’ Flack. Woman had a voice like five angels. Rosie loved that song. I went to turn the radio off, I thought it would rip my heart out. But it didn’t. The flood of memories was like cool water. And I was damn thirsty. I started thinking about things she said or did. One time we were at one of those drive up cash machines and she couldn’t reach the buttons, so she had to open the door. She ended up falling out of the car, then she got stuck. All these people were honking, the bank manager came outside. She’s so mad but she’s giggling and yelling at me to help her. I’m thinking about that day and I’m sitting there, alone in my kitchen, just laughing out loud with tears running down my face. That’s when it hit me. Don’t miss them. Live them. Eat the food they loved, go to the places they liked – dance to


the music they did. I even became a Dolphins fan for my boy. He’s pretty happy about that.

DENNIS You think so?

JOHNNY I know so. Just played cards with him an hour ago.

DENNIS Give him my best.

JOHNNY I will. Now, for the record, my favorite food is the Fettucine Alfredo at Roberto’s on Arthur Avenue. And even if seventy-five years of eatin’ that stuff is what killed me, I’ll take that over a hundred years of rice cakes.

DENNIS I’ll see if they deliver.

JOHNNY My favorite place is that bridged walkway on City Island where you look out over the Marina to the Throgs Neck Bridge. It’s Rosie’s favorite place too – she got herself a ring there. And my favorite music is anything that comes out of one of those things-

DENNIS Provided it’s from before 1977.

JOHNNY Damn right.

DENNIS Duly noted. And thank you. It means a lot to me that you stopped by to talk.

JOHNNY It’s our fifth thing.

DENNIS Thank you.

JOHNNY You’re welcome, you’re welcome - Come on, it’s not like I got you laid or anything.

DENNIS No, that would be the sixth thing.

JOHNNY Speak for yourself. For me and Rosie it was six through ten. (pause) Speakin’ of which - you’re not going to see me for a while. The wife and I got some catching up to do.


DENNIS No more dreams?

JOHNNY Nope. One dream is enough. Nice memory of the dead guy. Two or more dreams makes it creepy. That makes me a ghost, and I don’t have time for that shit.

DENNIS Who does? I’ll see you soon, Johnny.

JOHNNY Not too soon. “And if anyone is looking for me, tell them I’m too fuckin’ busy. Or Vice Versa!”

(The two men look at one another)

DENNIS AND JOHNNY (TOGETHER) Dorothy Parker!

SCENE 6

(During the following announcement, everyone moves the furniture and adds decorations.)

D.J. ANNOUNCER (RECORDED) “—always the most music, here on WABC – Musicradio 77, New York, New York – a city so nice, they named it twice. That was Mungo Jerry with “In the Summertime” – when the weather was fine and it certainly is here in the biggest of Apples, supposed to stay groovy the whole weekend. It’s 27 minutes before eleven and you’re listening to Dan the Man O’Callahan – no additives, no fillers, just the hits. Speaking of hits, how about a little Stevie Wonder with “My Cherie Amour” after this word from Lavoris-

The lights in the room focus on a small upstage area, where DENNIS sits. JOSEFINA, PEG and CHUCK stand nearby. There is a recorded underscore of conversation and basic party din. ANNIE and TYLER hold both ends of a red ribbon, that is draped in front of the “jukebox”. JOSEFINA addresses the audience, as though they are residents of Placid Pines.)

JOSEFINA I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many people in the Algonquin. Welcome, one and all. Our newest resident, Miss Wurlitzer, actually retired in 1978. That was the final year of service for this particular jukebox. After being in storage for nearly 25 years, Johnny discovered her


on Ebay. I think most of you know that when he set his mind to something there was no changing it. We were from the same neighborhood, Lafayette Avenue in the Bronx. I was just back there recently, and it occurred to me, when you see people down the block you never really know, until you get closer, whether they’re in a screaming argument or just saying good morning. That’s who Johnny was, that New York combination. He was a screaming good morning. And while I know I will save money on antacids; I will also miss him.

(JOSEFINA puts her hand on DENNIS’ shoulder) We will miss him very much. So… fingers crossed, here we go – Dennis, would you do the honors?

(JOSEFINA wheels DENNIS downstage and he cuts the ribbon to applause from the “crowd” He then pushes a few buttons, and is wheeled upstage center by JOSEFINA, where they observe. There are clunky and wheezy mechanical sounds as the room is bathed in a red wash. We then hear the sound of the rickety arm picking up the record. CHUCK extends a hand to PEG. We hear the record drop. CHUCK and PEG move toward the dance floor. We hear that familiar crackle of a needle on a dusty record. The jukebox comes alive, with the Sam Cooke classic “Twisting the Night Away” exploding into the room. The “crowd” applauds again. CHUCK swings PEG out onto the dance floor like steam coming out of a shower. They dance. TYLER and ANNIE join them soon after. CHUCK pulls a reluctant JOSEFINA onto the dance floor to join them. DENNIS sits in his chair upstage, as the others dance. The lights start to fade, but the music continues. The jukebox and Dennis are the last to be illuminated until the lights fade out completely.)

END OF PLAY

a jukebox for the algonquin - the playwrights' center · chicago, il 60611. characters dennis:...

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