A Legacy of Rogues – By Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw.

The first of our line was mighty Sir Clyde;To the Castle of Darkness did he bravely ride.Flung the doors wide and proceeded inside…Then tripped and fell on some spikes and died.

Sir Clyde begat Mary, the powerful mage;Came to the same Castle with daughterly rage.Took a new set of spikes straight through the ribcage,Cause since the first try the room’d been rearranged.

Sir Mary begat the crafty Sir Jack,Who decided it was time that we try a new tac’.Dodged all the spikes with an uncanny knack…Then got hit in the back with a shockwave attack.

Sir Jack then begat Sir Janice, the Tall;Resplendent, in brand new protective shawl.Killed by an eyeball that had the raw gallTo fire its missile straight through a wall.

Sir Janice begat the wizened Sir Craster;The legendary, colorblind wizardry master.Upon whose flesh was brought fiery disasterBy a mage that he’d thought was an icicle blaster.

Sir Craster begat Sir Tristan the Gay…In which case I couldn’t quite honestly sayHow our line has continued to this present day-But whatever, I think he just died some way!

Sir Tristan, somehow, begat the eager Sir Jim.In a blood sword and chest plate did he wander in.An evil painting hit him right in the shin…To be honest, we don’t like to talk about him.

Sir Jim begat Boris, the first of our line,To find the first Shrine where a Boss was confined.It killed him, of course, as well as Sir Guíne,Sir Sarah, Sir Don and Sir Rufus the Fine.

But Sir Lucy prevailed! The Beast was no more.Flushed with success, she went straight for the door,She thought led to Stage Two, but led to Stage Four…She was stomped into small, greasy stains on the floor.

Then came my dad, Sir Roland, the Miner.Not good in a fight, but at looting – none finer!Sadly, the Castle had become no benigner,

And the monsters used him for a birdcage liner.

And he begat me, your stout balladeer.My mother tells me that my turn grows near.So I will gird up my loins, and suppress all my fear…And tell her I would prefer a blacksmithing career.