A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories

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<ul><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 1/15</p><p>I've come to the realization that the world doesn't have enough books with just</p><p>short stories. I think that the world needs more books with short stories in</p><p>them. And not just any old short stories, but short stories filled with comedy.</p><p>And evil cannibal hobo men and wannabe gangsta white guy ninjas of course.</p><p>So I've decided to write those books. Starting with this one of course. There</p><p>might be a little bit of randomness in this book. And I might get off subject andstart to ramble on about nothing every once in a while. But the main point of</p><p>this book will be short stories.</p><p>KIDS ON THE BLOCK</p><p>The kids on the block were known for being loud, obnoxious, and completely</p><p>oblivious to the obvious. Their ages varied from early elementary to mid high</p><p>school. One thing was known, all the kids were very close friends. They took</p><p>advantage of the time they had together. They had known each other for what</p><p>seemed like an eternity. They spent almost every summer together. Their late</p><p>night trips to the park were always looked forward to.as they grew older theirtrips became fewer and fewer. After a while they started to graduate from high</p><p>school and move away. Over the years many new kids had moved onto the</p><p>block. The new kids never stayed long, but they were always welcome to join in</p><p>on our fun. It's been many years since we've all been together. I believe,</p><p>however, we will be reunited someday. I have a feeling that our children will be</p><p>much closer than we ever were. But for now we can only hope that technology</p><p>doesn't fail us any time soon. And for some odd reason there's some evil</p><p>cannibal hobo man and some wannabe gangsta white guy ninja following us</p><p>around. I don't think the ninja realizes that he isn't as sneaky and cunning as</p><p>he thinks he is.</p><p>RED KOOLAID</p><p>I'm seriously tempted to give the evil hobo and the wannabe ninja some</p><p>cyanide laced red koolaid. It'll be like Jonestown all over again. So I don't drink</p><p>red koolaid unless someone I know and trust or I make it. I don't trust most</p><p>people who make red koolaid. So I advise you to take precautions with who you</p><p>let make red koolaid; but only if you value your life. But on the other hand it</p><p>would make someone's murder look like a suicide. And if you're extremely</p><p>convincing it would definitely look like a suicide. But, people might think that</p><p>you're trying to rip off Jim Jones. It would be a lot easier than trying to copy</p><p>Charles Manson. My advice to you, drink any other color of koolaid than red.</p><p>Although I don't know how stupid the evil cannibal hobo and the wannabe</p><p>gangsta white guy ninja are. Of course they could be dumber than a box of</p><p>rocks for all I know. Anyway, don't drink red koolaid. Trust me, it's for the best.</p><p>Maybe we should get rid of red Kool-Aid all together.</p><p>SWIMMING POOLS and PLAYPLACES</p></li><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 2/15</p><p>So I've noticed that swimming pools and play places are very dangerous places</p><p>to be. Like when you're in a swimming pool and you scrape your toe against</p><p>the bottom of the pool. Or when you bump your leg against one of the stairs in</p><p>the playplace. They're also very, very dirty. Do you realize how many kids have</p><p>probably peed in that pool before you got in? Or how many kids have gotten</p><p>sick in that playplace? I bet there are a ton of adults who have peed in thatpool too. I honestly don't think that I'm going to allow my kids to play in the</p><p>playplaces. I think I might just get a swimming pool for my backyard. The</p><p>swimming pool will go up to 6 feet of course. I might even get a playplace built</p><p>for them. There are 2 rules though. 1.There will be no peeing in my pool. And</p><p>number 2.There will be no throwing up in my playplace. If you break these</p><p>rules you will be banned forever. Are there any questions? Well to bad cause I</p><p>don't care. I'll have to be careful of the evil hobo and the wannabe ninja. They</p><p>might try to get in.</p><p>HOW NOW BROWN COW?</p><p>I think something might be wrong with all the cows. All of the cows I've seen so</p><p>far this morning were lying down. So what does it mean when cows lie down? I</p><p>heard that it means that it's going to rain. I think it means something</p><p>completely different. Cows are amazing creatures if you think it about it. I</p><p>mean they give us milk and beef. Cows are also very interesting. They come in</p><p>different colors. Such as brown, black, and black and white. They also stand</p><p>around all day and eat grass. Except for when they lie down. Of course they</p><p>might be lying down because the evil hobo and wannabe ninja are close. I find</p><p>that to be the most reasonable explanation for why cows lie down. Oh yeah I</p><p>forgot; if black and white cows make white milk do brown cows make chocolate</p><p>milk? And what about black cows? Do they make black milk? Ewe that's gross</p><p>to even think about, never mind. I think I'll stick to drinking red koolaid.</p><p>PIRATES vs. NINJAS (and evil cannibal hobos)</p><p>I would like to talk to you about this pirates vs. ninjas issue. I used to be one</p><p>those people who thought that ninjas would win every time. I then came to the</p><p>realization that when the ninja went to attack the pirate could just shoot the</p><p>ninja. I quickly switched sides. I then decided to switch sides once again. I then</p><p>switched sides to evil cannibal hobos. I've decided that evil cannibal hobos are</p><p>better than pirates and ninjas combined. I mean normally when you think of a</p><p>hobo, you think of some guy lying on the side of the road. And they're not just</p><p>any old hobos, they're cannibal hobos. But they're also evil cannibal hobos,</p><p>which makes them like 100 times harder to kill. So all in all pirates and ninjas</p><p>can eat it. Evil cannibal hobos pown all other villains. Team E.C.H. for all time.</p><p>Unless a team of unicorns and leprechauns emerges. When that happens I will</p><p>switch teams once again. But until that day comes I will be team E.C.H.</p></li><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 3/15</p><p>SUPER MARIO LOVES SHROOMS</p><p>I always laugh at the thought of Super Mario. He thinks that he's some guy in a</p><p>video game. When in reality he's just some guy that everyone tolerates. He's</p><p>just some guy that goes around eating different colored mushrooms and</p><p>jumping on turtles. He really does have a brother named Luigi. But Luigi's onlyreal part in this is that he tried to have Mario committed. Peach and Daisy are</p><p>just friends that Mario thought were really pretty sisters. Their real names are</p><p>Penelope and Destiny. Yoshi is really just some old Japanese guy. Bowser is just</p><p>a really overweight guy named Benjamin. He is kind of a bully though. Wario</p><p>and Waluigi are Mario's cousins, James and Austin, who stopped talking to</p><p>Mario after he started doing drugs. The people he forgot to talk about were the</p><p>evil hobo and wannabe ninja. Even though they were a huge part of his life.</p><p>They're probably the reason he started doing shrooms. He was a very</p><p>respectable plumber until he started doing shrooms. After he started doing</p><p>shrooms his life went to crap.</p><p>WHAT ARE DUCKS?</p><p>Have you ever noticed how strange ducks are? I'm being completely serious</p><p>right now. I mean what kind of sound is quack? Really? Who came up with</p><p>these things? I bet ducks are part of an alien race. Or they're all some kind of</p><p>robot built by NASA. Ok so not all ducks are robots built by NASA. The ones</p><p>that were here before NASA Came along are aliens. Although it might not have</p><p>been NASA or aliens that put them here. It might have been the evil hobo or</p><p>the wannabe ninja. They put them here to distract us so they could plot to take</p><p>over the world. Or ducks just started popping up randomly everywhere. If they</p><p>aren't robots and they aren't aliens, than what are they? And don't give methis; they're just cute little animals junk. Ducks are evil, bloodthirsty, vicious,</p><p>psychotic creatures. They are not to be trusted. They would sooner chop off a</p><p>hand than snuggle up to you. They are completely insane. But that just makes</p><p>me like ducks that much more.</p><p>I WANT A MONKEY</p><p>I think that if I were to get a pet, I would want some kind of monkey. If I were to</p><p>get a monkey I would want it to be a ring tailed lemur. I would name it Momo</p><p>like off of Avatar. I kind of want a spider monkey too. If I got a spider monkey, I</p><p>would name it Georgie. Chimps would be fun, but they can be extremelyvicious. Me, getting a chimp would be like those people who get tigers as pets.</p><p>It would just be completely insane. Maybe I'll get an orangutan instead. They</p><p>seem very friendly. I bet the reason chimps are so evil is cuz the hobo and the</p><p>ninja did something to their DNA. , which is extremely horrible. Why would</p><p>anyone do something that horrible to something that cute? That is just cruel</p><p>and unusual punishment. I don't think that I could that to any animal. But hey</p></li><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 4/15</p><p>thats just me. It's like testing make-up on pigs. Maybe I'll get a pygmy</p><p>marmoset as a pet. I might need a fish tank to keep it in though,</p><p>JACK-O-KNIFE</p><p>Have you ever thought about what jack-o-lanterns do after everyone goes to</p><p>sleep on Halloween? I mean it could be like the movie Toy Story. Except al the</p><p>pumpkins sprout legs and arms and start walking around and talking. All of the</p><p>evil ones would find some way to get knives. They would take out all the good</p><p>pumpkins right away. There would be sliced up pumpkins all over the streets. It</p><p>would be pandemonium. Plus, all of the crazy people practicing black magic.</p><p>There's also all those black cats that you have to watch out for. So if you kids, I</p><p>would go trick-or-treating early. It's probably not the best night to go partying.</p><p>But if you do decide to go partying, beware of the evil jack-o-lanterns. I have a</p><p>feeling this Halloween is going to be interesting. Also beware of evil cannibal</p><p>hobos and wannabe white guy ninjas. Although I'm sure you can bribe them. If</p><p>you can't, than that's too bad for you. It's your problem not mine.</p><p>I THINK I JOINED A CULT</p><p>How to know if you joined a cult. Well first of all, what is a cult? A cult refers to</p><p>a group of people whose belief or practices are considered abnormal or bizarre.</p><p>So if you're in a death metal band, you're in a cult. If you're a pirate, you're in a</p><p>cult. If you're in politics, you're in a cult. And the list of cults goes on, and on,</p><p>and on. When it comes to cults the list is sort of like the energizer bunny. So</p><p>are you in a group that people think is insane for you to be in? I bet motorcycle</p><p>gangs are cults. But a motorcycle gang would be a cool cult. Oh by the way, if</p><p>you meet some guy named Jim Jones, RUN AWAY!!!!! I have a feeling that allhobos are part of a cult. So are all ninjas. Also, don't drink red koolaid, it will kill</p><p>you. Also I have a feeling that people in the postal service are in a cult. The</p><p>moral of this story is, be careful of the things you get involved in. Also any</p><p>religion that you're in is a cult. Well not every religion is a cult; just most of</p><p>them are.</p><p>OH NO MY LIFE IS A MUSICAL!!!</p><p>I think life should be more like a musical. It would be so fun. Everyone breaking</p><p>out into song and dance randomly. I can see it now, someone on trial for</p><p>murder. Suddenly the defendant breaks into song about how he's innocent.The prosecution singing about how he's guilty. The judge, bailiff, and jury are</p><p>doing the oohs and aahs. People watching at home are getting into it too.</p><p>Could you imagine what the world of sports would be like? Especially stuff like</p><p>MMA and Hockey. Imagine what the military would be like. What about the</p><p>Congress and the Presidential Cabinet? Dude the world would be a much better</p><p>place if life was a musical. Of course people who can't sing aren't allowed to</p><p>sing. We have to have those people who tell people to shut up as soon as they</p></li><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 5/15</p><p>start to sing. Then there would be a singing wannabe white guy ninja and evil</p><p>cannibal hobo. Life as a musical would be amazing. Although some situations</p><p>would be a little awkward.</p><p>I NEED A UNICORN</p><p>I think my new favorite animals are unicorns. If you think about it, unicorns are</p><p>really cool. They can be really girly if they want to be. They come in different</p><p>colors, such as White, purple, and pink. They also can be really vicious if they</p><p>need to be. I mean would you want to mess with something with a sharp horn</p><p>on its head. Because I know I wouldn't want to. I think a unicorn would make a</p><p>perfect pet. You would no longer need to ever drive. Although it would get</p><p>quite cold in the wintertime. Unless you lived somewhere warm like Arizona or</p><p>Brazil. I know what I want for Christmas. So Santa if you're reading this I've</p><p>been extremely good this year. Also I could really use some extra cash. So if</p><p>you could make that happen, it would be really great.</p><p>SOMEONE STOLE MY COOKIE</p><p>Ok so I had a cookie on the counter last night when I went to bed. I was really</p><p>looking forward to eating it for breakfast. So I got up and got completely ready</p><p>for the day. And when I went to get my cookie, it was gone. I was very upset</p><p>about it. I couldn't believe that someone would eat my cookie. I had put it in a</p><p>plastic baggy. I had put a piece of paper on the bag that said "MY COOKIE! DO</p><p>NOT EAT!" So when I woke up to find my cookie gone, I was quite put out. If</p><p>someone has a cookie in a bag that says do not eat, than you shouldn't eat it.</p><p>There's a reason that it says do not eat. If I ever find out who ate my cookie I'll</p><p>chop off their fingers. Ok Maybe I won't chop off their fingers, but they shouldhave their fingers chopped off. It's just rude to take someones cookie. The</p><p>next someone decides to take my cookie I'll shank them. Ok maybe I won't</p><p>shank them, but it's a good idea.</p><p>DINOSUARS AND MOTORCYCLES</p><p>So I've decided that I'm going to start a motorcycle gang. It'll be called the</p><p>DINOmite Dinosaurs. Get it; the DINOmite Dinosaurs. You gotta admit that was</p><p>funny. Anyway, I think a motorcycle gang would be fun. I would have some of</p><p>my family and closest friends join. I need to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I</p><p>would get an awesome Harley Davidson. I think for our emblem we shouldhave a ferocious T-Rex. Ok so I'm totally kidding about the name. If I were to</p><p>start a motorcycle gang it would need a tough name. Something that strikes</p><p>fear in the hearts of children and mothers everywhere. Or I could just get a</p><p>type of puppy that will turn into a very mean dog. Or I could do both. My dog</p><p>would be a chocolate lab Rottweiler mix named Charlie. Or instead of me riding</p><p>a motorcycle I'll just get a boyfriend who can. There we go; my life is all</p><p>planned out. And it goes like this; start a motorcycle gang and get an evil</p></li><li><p>7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories</p><p> 6/15</p><p>puppy. It sounds a lot simpler than it actually is.</p><p>THAT'S SO STUPID</p><p>So I was telling my friend how I was out of story ideas. And this is what she</p><p>came up with. A dog named Paul getting lost on some adventure on Christmas.</p><p>It's not that I can't do it; its just that I don't want to. It was one of those stupid</p><p>story ideas. Speaki...</p></li></ul>