about our children, january 2016

8/20/2019 About Our Children, January 2016

1/24

Our ChildrenAbout

Supplement to The Jewish Standard • January 2016

Survivalof the Fittest

Eat Right,

Move MoreLife Lessonsfor Parents

Useful Information forthe Next Generation

of Jewish Families


2/242 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 2016

First breath. First smile. First steps.

Treasured moments begin here.

The MotherBaby Center at Chilton Medical Center.Whether you are planning to start a family or adding to one, Chilton Medical Center invites you to

begin this exciting journey with us. Our MotherBaby Center encourages moms-to-be to personalize

their birthing experience in a way that makes it memorable for the entire family. We offer private

rooms with personalized visiting hours, hydrotherapy for labor, a celebratory gourmet dinner and

a Mom’s spa. For special care, there’s a Level II Nursery with board certified neonatologists and

pediatricians available 24/7. And with caring nurses, expert medical staff, and our seamless

connection to Morristown Medical Center, it’s no wonder why so many women choose to have

their babies here with us, close to home.

For more information about parent education classes, please call 973-831-5475.

For a referral to a Chilton Obstetrician

or Certified Nurse Midwife,

call 1-888-4AH-DOCS

or visit atlantichealth.org/chilton


3/24

January 2016

Winners of the ChanukahGift Giveaway!

Sharon Golub, Hackensack — Sigikid Teaching Monkey

Renee Kornbluth, West New York — Shalom Sesame DVD set

Debbie Fox, Teaneck — Maccabee on the Mantel

Miriam Stiefel, Englewood — Bumble Seat

Shira Slasky, Tenafly — Enough Already & Planet Matzo Ball DVDs

Susan Helft, Tenafly — Pumpkin & Bean Gift Certificate

Rifki Helft, Englewood — Tickets to see Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood

Michael Rosenzweig, Fair Lawn — Gift Certificate from Schnitzel+

Thanks to all who entered, and congratulations to our winners!

Healthy Habits Start at the Fridge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5But they don’t end there, says doctor

Make Fitness Fit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6Finding the right sport or exercise

Curtain Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7Theater, arts and performance

Putting it in Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8Children and our responsibilities

Power of the Pencil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9The things you can learn from an eraser

Generation G. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10Globetrotting grandparents hunt for souvenirs

Setting Rules and Limits. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11Tips to get your structure in place

Listings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12Schools, after-school activities, and more

Do Children Need Spirituality? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16Questions for author of new book

Paying Attention to ADHD. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18Going from victim to victorious

Gallery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20Pictures of our children

Top Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21Great picks for January

Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22Things to do this month

Simchas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23Celebrating our children’s milestones

Games People Play . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23Batting back boredom

ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 203 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 2016

Friday, Jan 15th 8pm

One Man Star Wars Trilogy

Sunday, Jan 24th 1pm & 4:30p

Daniel Tiger’sNeighborhood Live!

Friday, Jan 29th 8pm

Cesar Millan Live!

Saturday, Feb 20 7:30pm

Mike Super:Magic & Illusion

March 10th 8pm

Piff the Magic Dragon

March 13th 1pm & 4pm

Ladybug Girl andBumblebee Boy The Musica

Friday, April 8th 8pm

The Peking AcrobatsApril 10th 1pm & 4pm

Clifford The Big Red Do

Our ChildrenAbout


4/24ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 20164

Calm creates good karma?

One of the famous “Keep Calm” versions

of the saying that adorn t-shirts, mugs andother ephemera is “Keep Calm and Let Karma

Finish.”

I’m not so sure if calm creates good karma,

because karma is actually the sum of a person’s

actions in this and in previous states of existence,

which then is viewed as deciding their fate in fu-

ture existences.

But calm may help decide the fate of your pres-

ent existence following an incident, episode or one

of life’s hair-raising, emotion-rising dramas.

“Keep Calm and Carry On” — the original say-

ing — certainly holds true as a would-be mantra for

my life. To respond and not to react is something

to which I aspire. Sometimes I can actually achieve

it, but more often than not, I keep aspiring. I like to

say I am keeping my aspirations high.

I am reminded of one episode of keeping calminvolving my kids, whom I will identify as Child#1

and Child#2 so as not to embarrass them.

Child#2 (not necessarily in birth order, but I

won’t say) was about to go on a school trip. It was

the first out-of-town journey, not counting sleep-

away camp. It was big deal to be with classmates,

to explore a brand new city, to stay in a hotel, to

take photographs, and to have fun and learn about

the history of the city. The trip was to Boston. And

the class was to travel by bus, a long journey from

our home. Of course, many of the students had

their devices packed along to occupy and enter-

tain themselves on the long drive there.

Child#2 needed one, and didn’t have the de-

sired device. So Child #2 borrowed an iPod from

Child#1 with the caveat that Child#2 promise to be

really, really careful. That is, to not

lose, break or mess it up in any way.

With that condition agreed upon,Child#2 took Child#1’s iPod on the

trip.

Off Child#2 went to Boston, and

I awaited the return to be regaled

by stories and adventures.

When Child#2 returned, there

were plenty of stories and adven-

tures to tell, but, alas, there was no

iPod! Oy!

Knowing how Child#2 would be

self-punishing, and knowing how

hard it was for Child#2 to make

sure that the iPod didn’t disappear, I decided to be

very calm about the loss.

And furthermore, I asked Child#1 to do the

same. Not to berate Child#2.

Sure there would be plenty of time for lecturesor lessons about responsibility and care of ob-

jects, but somehow, I decided not to react, but to

respond, and not make Child#2 feel worse for the

wear.

Then I remembered a story I had read.

It was a tale about a wife, her diamond ring,

and her husband. It also involved a toilet bowl,

some faulty plumbing and her husband’s attempt

at fixing their bathroom problem. The details of

the story elude me, but I do remember the wife los-

ing her diamond ring, her precious diamond ring,

because of something that happened involving her

husband. I also remember the point of the story.

She kept her calm. She did not rail against him. She

did not scream. She did not have a hissy fit, but

reacted with understanding. Wow!

The punch line of that story

was that a few days later, she

found the diamond! She thoughtit was gone, flushed away for-

ever. But there it appeared (reap-

peared) at the bottom of the bowl.

Sure was thrilled to recover her

diamond, but she was even more

happy about how she behaved

toward her husband. How she

chose calm, instead of chaotic

drama. That she was actually able

to transcend her natural inclina-

tion and not freak out.

I remembered that story days

after Child#2’s return from Boston.

I remembered that story when I was empty-

ing out the blue travel bag packed with clothes.

Inside a small, slim, side pocket, a place I would

not normally check or look, there it was. The iPod!Returned safe and sound. Actually, never lost in

the first place.

In fact, Child#2 put it away so well, that its

packing place was forgotten!

And then I wondered whether we found it be-

cause of karma.

Calm karma.

Cheers,

musings from the editor

Don’t Miss About Our Children in FebruaryPublished on January 29, 2016

Natalie JayAdvertising Director

Peggy Elias

George Kroll

Karen Nathanson

Janice RosenBrenda Sutcliffe

Account Executives

About Our Children is published 11 times a year by the New Jersey/Rockland Jewish Media Group,1086 Teaneck Road, Teaneck, NJ 07666; telephone: 201-837-8818; fax: 201-833-4959.;e-mail: [email protected].

Our ChildrenAbout

Emuna Braverman

Slovie Jungreis-Wol

Rabbi Dovid Rosma

Rifka Schonfeld

Ed Silberfarb

Denise Morrison YeContributing Writers

MissionStatementAbout Our Children is designed to help Jewish families in our area live healthy, positive lives that make the most of

the resources available to them. By providing useful, current, accurate information, the publication aims to guide par-

ents to essential information on faith, education, the arts, events, and child-raising — in short, everything that today’s

Jewish family, babies to grandparents, needs to live life to the fullest in northern New Jersey and Rockland County.

James L. JanoffPublisher

Marcia GarfinkleAssociate Publisher

Heidi Mae Bratt

Editor Deborah HermanArt Director

AdvisoryBoardDr. Annette Berger, Psy.D.

Psychologist, Teaneck

Michelle Brauntuch, MS,CCLS

Child Life Specialist, Englewood Hospital, Englewood

Hope Eliasof

Marriage and Family Therapist, Midland Park

Howard Prager, DC, DACBSP

Holistic Chiropractor, Oakland

Jane Calem Rosen

Marketing and Communications Specialist

Barry Weissman, MD

Pediatrician, Hackensack and Wyckoff

Cheryl Wylen

Director of Adult Programs and Cultural Arts

YM-YWHA of North Jersey, Wayne



H E I D I M A E B R A T T

New year, new you.

We see it everywhere this

time of year. And since we’ve had

our Rosh Hashanah, we get a chance to

turn over a new leaf again in 2016. What

a great opportunity, especially when fit-

ness and health concerns dominate the

headlines, to get your children, into ahealthier mode of eating well.

About Our Children consulted with

Dr. Sherry Sakowitz-Sukkar who is the

founder and director of Healthy Life-

Ways: Valley’s Center For Pediatric Well-

ness and Weight Management at The

Valley Hospital, for her expertise on how

to get your children to eat better, move

more and start a healthier way to 2016.

About Our Children: What is the

best way to get children motivated to

eat healthier?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Involve them.

Grow vegetables in a garden together.

Bring them to a farmer’s market to go

shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables

and most importantly cook with them.Make healthy the only choice in your

home and show them that nutritious is

delicious. Also, parents should be good

role models and want to eat healthy

themselves. Children tend to copy what

their parents are eating.

AOC: How can we motivate our chil-

dren to move more?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Make moving

fun. Find things that your child enjoys

doing. Instead of calling it exercise, call

it play time. Make family time active.

Instead of watching television together,

go for a walk or bike ride.

Find little ways to move

more. Try taking the stairs

instead of elevators and

escalators and try park-

ing your car in a park-

ing spot that requires

you to walk a little extra.

Buy birthday presents or

holiday presents that thatencourage activity such as a bi-

cycle, scooter, Frisbee or Fitbit.

AOC: How do we accomplish this

and not make them feel self-conscious,

especially girls who are prone to a nega-

tive body images because of societal

pressure and the media?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Establish

healthy routines early on and make

healthy eating and regular physical ac-

tivity the norm in your home. This way,

your child won’t feel self-conscious

because that is all they will have expe-

rienced. Unfortunately, in the case of

overweight children, weight bias usu-

ally starts at home. Many times it’s the

family members who make the childfeel inadequate due to their weight.

Try to send positive messages to your

child that you love them no matter what

size they are and that being healthy is

the most important thing. The best re-

sults come from family-based lifestyle

modification where everyone engages

in healthy habits such as daily exercise

and healthy eating together.

AOC: What are the best foods to

serve your children?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Real food. A

child’s diet should be a combination of

fruits, vegetables, lean pro-

teins, low-fat dairy, whole

grains and healthy fats.

Healthy beverages in-

clude water and low-fat

milk. While food shop-

ping, stick to the pe-

riphery of the grocery

store. This is where the

real food hangs out.AOC: What is the best way to

handle sugar and fat-laden treats?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: This is always

tricky. It’s easy to restrict and not intro-

duce these foods when your children

are young, but you are setting them up

for problems later when they are out on

their own. Research shows that children

whose “treats” are restricted eat more

of them and are heavier than they might

have been.

Children shouldn’t feel as though

they are being deprived or restricted. Of-

fer treats in moderation and limit what is

brought into the house. In the case of fat-

laden treats like chips or French fries, of-

fer them as part of a meal as the starch.The trick is to offer these items often

enough that your kids don’t feel like it

is forbidden, but not making it available

all of the time. In the case of sweets or

items containing added sugars, it’s okay

to offer your child a dessert at night or a

treat during the day as long as they are

eating healthy meals. As a rule of thumb,

keep your children’s added sugar intake

to less than 4 to 5 teaspoons a day or

less that 20 grams.

AOC: In what other ways can we

stem childhood obesity?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Healthy

start at home. Your eating environ

plays such an important role in

your children eat. Parents are the

tional gatekeepers of the house.

introduce your children to unh

foods and unhealthy habits and

bring foods you don’t think your

should be eating into the house.

sure your child is active every daalways gets a good night’s sleep. S

time should be limited to less tha

hours per day and not right befor

time. Limit fast food and eating ou

having more family dinners at

Make healthy food convenient. P

up veggies and fruits in clear cont

in full view in front of the refrige

Try eating on smaller plates and

food restaurant style. Eat only wh

ting down and not in front of the TV

er force your child to finish. Never

your child for finishing. Don’t have

join the Clean Plate Club.

AOC: Any other tips for a hea

2016?

Dr. Sakowitz-Sukkar: Makeyour child is eating three meals

Read food labels. Avoid highly proc

foods. Beware of low-fat items; th

usually loaded with sugar and ma

for the reduction of fat. Children

need to drink juice at any age. It’s

better to give them the real fruit

dren learn a huge amount about h

habits from watching and imitatin

parents. If you want your children

healthy, you must lead by example

Heidi Mae Bratt is the editor of About

Children.

Our ChildreAbout

Healthier Habits Start at the FridgeBut Don’t End There


6/24

6 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 2016

H E I D I M A E B R A T T

How do you make fitness — an es-

sential component to health and

well-being — a regular part of your

child’s life?

For some youngsters, it’s easy. They

naturally love sports: running, basket-

ball, baseball, hockey, soccer, karate, and

dance, you name your sweat-inducing,

smile-inducing sport and they’re there.

Those are the easy ones. Then there are

the others who would prefer to exercise

their fingers on the keyboard and hang

out with laptops, iPads, iPhones, you

name it here, too. That could be a bit

more of a challenge, fitness-wise.

Luckily, in our area there are a pleth-ora of fitness options for youngsters that

not only offer a wide variety of interests

and sports options to get our children

moving after school and on the weekends,

but also makes sure they have lots of fun.

For example, Northern Valley Sports

Academy in Closter has a smorgasbord

of options for youngsters from pre-K

through high school.

“We offer a full sports facility with

many options such as basketball, soccer,

baseball, lacrosse” to name a few, says

Jared Sapin, who works at Northern Val-

ley Sports Academy as an instructor and

coach.

The facility offers a full range ofclasses, including group fitness classes,

private lessons and individual instruc-

tion, in addition to “high quality coach-

es,” Mr. Sapin says.

“It’s a great way to let off steam after

school,” he says. “It’s also very good for

kids to interact with other kids their own

age outside of the school setting.”

If it’s the water that gets your chil-

dren excited, the Glenpointe Spa & Fit-

ness in Teaneck offers swim instruction

and birthday pool parties in its large

pool, which runs 50 by 30 feet in length

and with a depth of 3 to 5 feet.

Members’ youngsters, who are un-

der 14 years old, can swim free from 3

to 5 p.m., through its special after-schoolprogram during the weekdays, says Jen-

na Mehler, aquatics director for Glen-

pointe Spa & Fitness.

Glen Evans, the Glenpointe Spa &

Fitness manager, said that the facility

might also be offering some extra class-

es for teens as well in the New Year. In

the past, it had offered martial arts.

Want to reach for the stars or at

scale the heights? A five-month-old

20,000 square foot facility in Northvale is

making excitement a high for youngsters

who want to rock climb or practice their

acumen through obstacle course work.

High Exposure is an “incredib

periential” facility that gives youn

the chance to climb, practice Ninj

rior Course, Parkour classes and s

and more. High Exposure describe

as a “one-stop shopping, heart stoadrenaline pumping, extreme sp

facility for families, tots, kids, teen

adults.”

It seems to be catching on in the

says owner Stephanie Shultz. In ju

months, High Exposure already h

members on its climbing team, an

been a destination for day schools

as TABC and Ma’ayonot in Teanec

other schools, in addition to the g

public.

“There’s something extremel

powering about doing something

you’ve never done before,” say

Shultz.

At The Soccer Coliseum at TeArmory, youngsters can enjoy one

most impressive indoor soccer fac

as they partake in tournaments, le

and training galore, says Yas Tam

director of soccer operations there

A source of pride of Soccer Col

is that once engaged in the many

ties, youngsters are able to learn so

more than soccer, itself, Mr. Tambi

“Kids learn problem solving

playing the games,” he said.

For ice-skating as nice skating,

are many options good for the w

and for all-season long.

The Ice Vault Skating Arena in W

has various activities for youngst

all ages. There are public sessions,ey clinics, hockey teams, figure s

and free-style. There are also lea

skate programs, and hosting bir

parties there are also available.

In Westwood, Fritz Dietl Ice Rin

a veritable history. Established in

by Austrian born Fritz Dietl, a reno

figure skating star and coach, th

rink offers a cozy and comfortable

ing environment. It is also the birth

and home of the New Jersey Figure

ing Club.

Heidi Mae Bratt is the editor of About

Children.

Making Fitness a Good Fitand Fun for Your Children



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Theater, Arts,

Performance and MoreH E I D I M A E B R A T T

When you love dance and you

love movement, such as gym-

nastics, you can do both, or

you can like at Cresskill Performing Arts

in Cresskill, do them both together.

This year, says owner Betsy Daly, a

new offering combines the excitement of

gymnastics with the razz-ma-tazz of jazz

dance. There are four different levels of

gymnastics jazz being offered whereby

students can get both gymnastics and

acrobatic tricks as they apply to dance.The program is designed for students

from 5 years to teenagers.

“Half the class they’re doing flips

and half the class they’re dancing,” says

Ms. Daly.

In addition to the newer gymnastic

jazz class, Cresskill Performing Art of-

fers an array of classes for youngsters

to dance, sing, and learn from Broadway

professionals and more. Dance includes

ballet, pointe, jazz, tap, hip-hop, in ad-

dition to acting, singing, improv, voice,

triple threat (musical theater) to name

some.

Black Box Studios is excited to have

its own new facility in Teaneck where

classes and performances take place.

It offers classes in theater, music and

improv all year long. Professional per-

formances and events for all ages and

interest, including cutting-edge drama,

musicals and children’s shows, musical

performance and improv jams.Black Box Studios is opening its 8th

season, said Matt Okin, owner of Black

Box Studios, who is a playwright, direc-

tor and theater educator.

“Our goal,” Mr. Okin says, “is to take

everything to the next level.”

Heidi Mae Bratt is the editor of About Our

Children.

A performance at Cresskill Performing Arts.

A performance at Black Box Studios.



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Not Always the Best Lesson

When a Child Overshadows All ElsE M U N A B R A V E R M A N

When our matriarch Rachel gave birth to Jo-

seph she exclaimed, “God has taken away my

disgrace.” Rashi suggests that this was ac-

complished by providing her with a child to blame for

her faults. Why she said this and if this reflects anything

about the role of children is a long and complicated

discussion. But I was thinking about it when I taught a

class recently.

“Lori can’t come because she has a middle school

tour.” “Cathy’s daughter is home from school sick.”

“Sara has to go to a PTA meeting.” “Miriam is taking herkids to the dentist.” The list goes on and on. The class

was planned over a month ago with everyone available.

But now attendance has diminished.

This is mostly good. It reflects a recognition that

our children should be our priority. This was also ac-

knowledged by our sages in exempting women from

time-dependent commandments. We can’t be expected

to pray by a certain time of day with a minyan because

who knows what our children’s needs will be and when

they will occur. They certainly aren’t always expressed

in a timely fashion, exactly when and where we’d prefer.

On the other hand, women aren’t exempt from

praying altogether. It’s not carte blanche to ignore our

other obligations. It struck me that women have taken

this dictum, this freedom too far. You can’t pin every-

thing on the kids. Yes, if our children are stick, we need

to stay home. But if you already committed to a class,couldn’t you have scheduled the dentist appointments

or school tours for another morning? Perhaps Sara

could have requested that the PTA meet on a morning

where she doesn’t have a prior commitment.

I’m willing to accept that attending my class may not

be everyone’s priority but keeping commitments should

be and having children should not be a convenient ex-

cuse to absolve us of that responsibility. As stated, if they

need us, then of course they come first. But do they re-

ally need us now? To the exclusion of all else? At the ex-

pense of other responsibilities and commitments?

And what are we teaching our children if they watch

this behavior? I think there is one positive lesson but

a risk of two negative ones as well. The positive

how much they mean to us, how much they matte

they come first. But this can also be a negative le

we don’t want them to learn that they always com

that they can never wait their turn, or entertain

selves or put the needs of others in front of their

This would end up being an extremely damaging r

Additionally, they need to see that we have

responsibilities 8 — to other family members and

community — and that we honor our commitm

If we are constantly dropping everything to atte

their non-essential or non-emergency needs, the

believe that they are the center of the universe annothing and no one else matters. In our desire to

secure, confident, well-loved children, we may

the mistake of creating monsters.

Like I said, I’m not sure what our mother Rwas referring to. I know it had some connection to

ing the ranks of all the other mothers, of finally b

ing a member of a club in which she had felt lef

I will have to do more research to understand e

the language she used and why. But I know for sur

she didn’t mean that our children are a convenien

of avoiding any responsibilities outside of the

Perhaps we shouldn’t make commitments if our s

ules are so subject to change and variable.

Or, and here’s a radical thought, perhaps we s

just keep our commitments and plan our chil

schedules around them instead of doing the oppo

Reprinted with permission of ais

‘OF COURSE OUR CHILDREARE OUR PRIORITIES, BUTTHEY NEED TO SEE THAT WHAVE OTHER COMMITMENAND THAT WE HONOR OURESPONSIBILITIES.’

Our ChildreAbout



R A B B I D O V I D R O S M A N

I recently experienced the work of a genius

educator. When I arrived home from

work, my 10-year-old daugh-

ter excitedly brought me

her report card for

the first half of the

school year. The

grades were basically

all perfect except for the category called “organiza-

tion” — how well the student does in bringing the ap-

propriate books to class and keeping her homework

and notes organized. In that category, my daughter re-

ceived an A- (shocking, but true).

But there was something different about the minus

sign. “Look Abba, my teacher wrote the minus in pencil.She told me that she knows that really I can be much

neater and that if I improve over the next half of the

year she’ll erase the minus.”

I was floored by the teacher’s clever motivation

technique. When trying to motivate our children or stu-

dents we often use external means. We tell them that if

they improve we’ll take them out to eat or buy them a

toy that they’ve been begging us for. That method often

works, but there is a much more basic, effective way to

energize and motivate others to change — show them

that you believe that their essence is greater. Give them

the confidence in their own potential to perform better.

Give your children the confidence in their own po-

tential to perform better.

Instead of my daughter feeling badly or down for

being disorganized, she was excited about the oppor-tunity to show her teacher her “real” self. She called

her grandparents to tell them about it. She was empow-

ered, in a positive way, to grow and change.

When a parent or teacher relates to the child in

this way, he or she strengthens the trust that forms the

foundation of their relationship, allowing the child to

feel safe enough to open up and reveal his feelings or

past experiences so that the one influencing him can

give proper advice and direction.

Giving a child the recognition of his inner greatness

enables him to overcome challenges and gives him the

confidence to strive to reach his potential. He knows he

has what it takes.

Lastly, one cannot properly influence and change

another person if he does not believe in the person.

Since he doesn’t really think that the person can

change, he won’t be precise with his advice and won’tbother investing his fullest in trying to help the person.

He won’t be able to relay the message with the same

enthusiasm and passion or be willing to follow up with

the person after their discussion.

In The Song of Songs, God tells the Jewish people

“You are completely beautiful, my beloved, there is

no blemish in you” (4:7). Rabbi Moshe Cordovero, in

his kabbalistic work Tomer Devora (1:6) writes that al-

though the Jewish people makes mistakes, God doesn’t

view those mistakes as part of our essence; they are su-

perficial. God writes any minus with a pencil, showing

us that He believes in our ability to do better and giving

us the opportunity to erase it.

Our ChildreAbout

By doing so, we can eleva

ers towards reaching their ultima

tential. It’s as easy as using a pencil instead of

Rabbi Dovid Rosman is the Director of the Intermediat

Beis Medrash Program of Aish HaTorah and a rebbe in

Advanced Beis Medrash Program.

Reprinted with permission of Ai

Using the Power of the Pencil

To Recognize and Reach Potential

In any type of relationship, writes Rabbi Cordevero,

we should act God-like and view others as innately pure.


10/24

10 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 2016

Globetrotting Grandparents

Hunt for the Perfect SouvenirsE D S I L B E R F A R B“N

o presents. No shopping. No

souvenirs,” my wife Sharon

vowed as we prepared for

our month-long trip abroad to celebrate

our 50th anniversary.

I tried returning her to real-

ity. “You’re willing to disappoint five

grandchildren?”

“We can’t spend time shopping, and

we can’t add bulk and weight to our car-

ry-on luggage.”

Our first stop was Stuttgart, Germa-

ny, where our son was deployed with theMarines. We arrived during the riotous

holiday “Octoberfest.” The beer halls

shook with hundreds of celebrants sing-

ing the traditional lieder while waving

overflowing steins. Most were dressed

in dirnl and lederhosen. Sharon thought

how adorable her grandchildren would

look in that costume, but she kept to her

pledge and resisted buying.

I tried tempting her. “How about a

couple of fancy beer steins for their fa-

thers?” But she was resolute.

Stuttgart is not just beer steins and

lederhosen. Its most highly prized prod-

uct is the cuckoo clock, handcrafted

in the nearby Black Forest of Bavaria.These are works of art — the basic time-

piece that “cuckoos” on the hour or the

elaborate display clocks where not only

do the birds appear hourly, but other

animated figures chop wood and dance.

They range in price from a few hundred

to a thousand dollars.

Sharon’s friend wanted one and

asked her to research the possibilities.

We examined a bewildering array, and

were intrigued by the detailed wood-

work. Were we dangerously close to

buying our very own? Sharon reassured

me that remarkable as they are, cuckoo

clocks are not her thing.

Her resolve almost broke the next

day when we visited Tubingen, a univer-sity town with medieval architecture,

intriguing alleys and irresistible shops,

including one that was selling sterling

silver flatware in our pattern 50 per cent

off. It was an agonizing half hour, but for-

tunately the necessary teaspoons and

salad forks were not available.

From Germany we went to Israel

where we have many relatives and

friends, one of whom gave us their

apartment in the 16th floor of a tower on

Disengoff Street in the heart of Tel Aviv.

Below was a vast underground shopping

mall with high-end stores offering the

latest fashions, sporting goods, electron-

ic devices, manicures, creative tattoos,

and yoga sessions, as well as leisure ca-

fes. There was also a supermarket, and

in the toiletry section Sharon picked

up a green, triangular container with a

spray nozzle.

“This is just what she wanted, and

it’s available only in Israel,” Sharon said

triumphantly. It was kosher-for-Shabbos

mouthwash and toothpaste that she had

been asked to bring back to the U.S.

I marveled at such a touching, heart-felt present, but didn’t that violate the

no-gift pledge? “This doesn’t count as a

gift. It’s a semi-necessity, like lip balm or

insect spray.”

We spent a day in Old Jaffa with

a cousin wandering through the flea

market, rummaging through boxes of

pottery, old phonograph records,

non-functioning utensils, and cloth-

ing. There was furniture, an antique

toy fire engine, a grandfather’s clock

and an old violin. Sharon was poking

through bins of costume jewelry, look-

ing for “hamsas,” the hand-shaped arti-

fact from both Jewish and Arabic legend

that wards off the evil spirit. It comes ina variety of forms and uses: earrings,

pendants, brooches and bracelets as

well as wall plaques. Sharon’s sister

had asked her to be alert for any

antique hamsas. Surely Israel is

where one could find them.

“Isn’t that considered

souvenir hunting?” I naively

asked.

“No, the hamsa is part

of Israel’s heritage,” she ex-

plained. “Looking for one

is like an archeological

dig.” But, alas, despite

our digging, we found

none.

However, what wedid find in a most un-

likely place were dreidels. We

were visiting the Sonora sec-

tion of Tel Aviv where, in the

19th Century a sect of German

religious refugees established

colonies in what is now Israel. Among

other skills, they were farmers who grew

grapes for wine, stored in caskets in vast

caves, which we explored on a specially

arranged tour.

Though the colonists are long gone,

the neighborhood has been preserved

as a heritage site, and the century-old

buildings now house restaurants, cafes

and arts and craft shops, one of which

is called The Dreidel House. True to its

name, it sells only dreidels, but not only

the simple four-sided top for Chanu-

kah games, but also elaborately crafted

dreidels that spin out proverbs, tell

ones fortune and comment on life itself.

The proprietor was a woman intent on

demonstrating the proper way to spin a

dreidel, though I insisted I had mastered

the technique.

Sharon was particularly taken byone about two inches in diameter with

a short nub of a spindle and a Yemenite

design in both gold and silver. They cost

three for 100 shekels,

about $26.

“Let’s get three, one each for our two

sons’ families and one for us.”

I said that if the ban on gift buying

were to be lifted, two simple community

dreidels for family use would not suffice,

even though they had the virtue of being

small and portable.

It was decided that a dreidel

go to each son, and the mission f

rest of the trip would be to find

ents for the five grandchildren an

daughters-in-law. The gifts had

light, compact and inexpensive

significant.

The last 10 days of our 30-day

sey were spent in Sicily. Part of the

we lived in a beautiful apartment o

by Sharon’s cousin in a 500-ye

building in Ortigia, a landmark s

of Siracusa. The rest of the time w

eled the island with a private guidexplored a treasure trove of antiq

the remains of Greek and Roman

ples, Medieval churches, and the

nants of the many other ethnic g

who had lived on that remarkable i

Jews, for example, were 40 per c

Sicily’s two largest cities before t

pulsion of 1492.

It wasn’t just history. We saw

Sicily’s important products in the

ing — olive oil and sea salt. In fac

highly prized sea salt solved part

souvenir problem. Each daughter-

would get a small package of it.

What about the grandchildren

boys would get t-shirts, but notwith dopey inscriptions that

so popular. They would ha

be meaningful. We rans

souvenir shops until we

what we wanted — one

showing Mount Etna

ing, one depicting th

lars of a Greek te

and one of a s

Sicilian villag

So far no

for the grandd

ters until we wan

through a street m

Palermo, and there

peddler’s pushcar

ron spotted them —sa earrings — one pa

each girl. We noted the iro

ter searching for two weeks in Isra

had to come to Sicily to find Judai

the other hand, the best pizza we

the entire trip was in Tel Aviv.

Ed Silberfarb was a reporter for the Be

Record in New Jersey, then the New Yo

Herald Tribune where he was City Hal

bureau chief. Later, he was a public in

mation officer for the New York City Tr

Authority and editor of one of its empl

publications.

GENERATION G



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A Few Tips

for Setting Effective

Rules and LimitsD E N I S E M O R R I S O N Y E A R I A N

Most families have rules their

children are expected to obey.

But problems may occur when

guidelines are vague or parents vacillate

on rules and disciplinary measures. To

establish effective rules and limits, con-

sider these tips.

Lesson on limitsChildren need limits to teach them to be

socially intelligent: to learn how to con-trol their emotions and interact with oth-

ers. Limits are also good for providing

structure, predictability and routines,

things children thrive on.

Speak in specificsBe specific versus vague with regard to

rules and expectations. Terms such as

“behave” or “be good” are general, and

most children have trouble translating

what that means. Make directives con-

crete and state specifically what you

want your child to do. This will give him

more opportunities to succeed.

Paraphrase with the positiveChildren are more receptive to positiverather than negative commands. “Don’t”

and “stop” tell a child what not to do

but don’t explain what to do. Instead

of saying “don’t jump in that puddle,”

say, “jump over the puddle.” Although it

takes more thought and energy to con-

jure up positive words, once it becomes

a habit it will be easier.

Extend explanationsChildren are more likely to comply if

parents explain the reason why the rule

exists. This also teaches critical thinking

and helps children develop an internal

standard of regulation. By age five most

children can begin to understand whysome rules exist. Give simple, concise

and age-appropriate explanations.

Offer choices and suggest alternativesGive your child the freedom to make

choices or suggest alternatives within

the framework of your limits. This will

give him a sense of power and control

and may reduce resistance: “Do you

want milk or juice?” “You can’t have a

cookie now but you can have ice cream

after dinner.”

Navigate throughnatural consequencesThe natural consequence for violating a

rule can be the most effective method of

correcting behaviors. When misdemean-

ors do occur, talk with your child about

what he learned and help him make the

connection between the choice he’s

made and the consequences he’s now

living with. Also help him explore the

motivation or influence behind his de-

cision so he can build a foundation and

avoid that pitfall in the future.

Know your childConsider your child’s personality and

tailor limits and consequences accord-

ingly. Some kids accept limits easily. Oth-

ers are more resistant and may require a

firmer approach to get them to comply.

Love without limitOne goal of setting limits is to help your

child realize you are there to help him

learn proper behavior and love him even

when he misbehaves. When missteps

occur, remind him his behavior doesn’t

change the status of your love.

Parental controlsAvoid losing your temper, lashing out

with your tongue or dishing out too

harsh a punishment you may later have

to retract. Part of what you are trying to

teach through limit setting is self-control

so you have to model it. If you are up-

set, step back and collect yourself. Or

tell your kids you need time and will

talk with them later. This will allow you

to take your emotions out of the equa-

tion and concentrate on dealing with the

offense.

Be firm and consistentFlexible rules and routines invite resis-

tance and make it difficult to change theundesirable behaviors. When parents

vacillate with rules or consequences are

withdrawn, children will continuously

challenge them and may resort to ma-

nipulation tactic — begging, whining, ar-

guing or temper tantrums — to get their

way.

Denise Morrison Yearian is the former editor

of two parenting magazines and the mother

of three children and four grandchildren.



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Guide to Schoolsand Activities

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SpiritualityS L O V I E J U N G R E I S - W O L F F

When I began my journey of connecting

parents after writing, “Raising a Child

Soul,” there were some who could no

om the idea that children are spiritual beings. I

recalled my father’s words as he gazed at my new

son in the nursery. “Slova Chanalah, this little so

arrived from the heavens above. He was learning

from the mouths of angels. He came into this wor

purest of the pure. Watch over him and teach him

There was no doubt for me; children are born nat

spiritual.Now, a Columbia University psychologist, D

Miller, has written a book asking us to think abo

child’s spiritual journey in this world. We learn

there is EQ, IQ, and natural spirituality as well. Ch

possess an innate spiritual compass that is part

biological endowment; it must be cultivated to flo

Through highlighting psychological and neurol

research, she proves that children raised in a n

ing spiritual life are happier, more successful, mo

silient, more optimistic, and better able to handl

challenges. These children grow up to become

who live with grit, are aware of their blessings, fin

pose and mission in their careers, value their re

ships and see hardships as priceless opportuniti

She compels parents to think about their chil

sacred growth through scientific research. A stutwins shows that a person’s sense of being conn

to a higher being is inherited. In other words yo

create a spiritual legacy and pass it on to your ch

Any parent of teenagers w



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thrilled to learn that they can help

protect their teens from engaging

in risky behaviors and even cope

better with depression by helping

them be in touch with their spiri-

tual side. Miller takes the case for

spirituality further by warning us

that “spiritual stunting” can causedamage by preventing a child from

developing a true sense of self and

resiliency. Crisis occurs when a

child’s spiritual development is ne-

glected or denied.

In a world where parents strive

to give their children the best ed-

ucation, encounter experiences

from zip-lining in jungles to swim-

ming with dolphins, compete in

extreme sports tournaments, encourage art, dance and

music and learn languages like Mandarin, where does

spirituality fit in? The question is especially hard-hitting

for those who feel disconnected and spiritually alien-

ated. Miller asks parents to consider the possibility of

offering piano lessons to children even if they, them-

selves, don’t know how to play. Would one offer a childsomething beneficial even though it feels strange and

unfamiliar?

This is an especially crucial question when we

contemplate the world that we live in. Our children

are growing up in a culture where empty fame and

excessive materialism are worshipped. Children are

constantly posting and taking selfies learning to focus

exclusively on themselves. Bullying, cynicism, casual

cruelty surrounds them. How can we help our children

grow generous in heart and spirit?

I spoke with Dr. Miller and asked her these

questions.

Q: What does raising a spiritual child mean to to-

day’s parents?

A: Every child born is a spiritual child. This be-

comes our opportunity to support our child’s birth-right. When we pay attention, respond with love and

interest to spiritual wonder, we help ourselves raise a

spiritual child. And this is irrespective of tradition or

your own religious upbringing. Every child has this

birthright to build this relationship. This is an entirely

different way of raising children than if we remain si-

lent. To pave the road back to natural spirituality we of-

fer our child access, focus parents’ attention and offer a

path. This involves being transparent. Go the extra mile

to put the spirituality in the child’s life.

And as a sidebar, she added, a child comes natu-

rally with a universe of spirituality. Help build your

spiritual child. Every tradition has a language and prac-

tice; every child can know what is meant. Research

has shown that it is not enough to be kind. Optimism,

forgiveness and regret are all required virtues. In 4 out

of 5 kids, a child is as virtuous as they have personalspirituality — connecting with a Higher Power. Charac-

ter strength and virtues go hand in hand.

Q: What would you say to parents who tell me that

they are too overwhelmed trying to handle getting

their children into the right schools and overwhelming

academic pressures, basically saying that raising a suc-

cessful child today takes time and there is just no time

left to put into spirituality?

A: The most important thing we can do towards out-

ward success — college, skills, grades — is to give human

fulfillment. Both correlate with a strong spiritual life. This

means giving children a sense of fulfillment; from tal-

ents and gifts to making a contribution to this world as

a sacred self. There is performance

and then there is meaning in life.

Children fall apart with only a per-

formance self. If they don’t know

where they are or why they are here

it becomes an empty life. Children

with a sacred sense of the world

have less depression. Children havean inner spiritual compass, a calling

that says ‘where I want to go’. And

at age 45 if one is left by a spouse

or loses money the performance

self is shattered but the sacred self

remains.

Q: You say in your book, “The

Spiritual Child: The New Science

on Parenting for Health and Life-

long Thriving” that children, espe-

cially teens, have a growing spiritual need. What about

the ‘spiritually cynical’ parent?

A: When a parent is cynical and so jaded, there is

not much left. That is an empty bucket. We do have

in us an open heart in whatever language we can be

moved to hold value in the beauty of life. That’s not

sappy; it’s real. It’s bedrock. And it’s a much healthierway of living. Our children need a spiritual hub.

I have been reflecting on this last question that I

asked, about spiritually cynical parents. There are

many who must grapple with being apathetic or even

opposed to their child’s spiritual path. It is not an easy

challenge. But we must take a moment and reflect on

our responsibility as parents. We have a higher calling.

It is up to us to nurture our children’s souls and give

them tools for life. We try hard to provide our children

with the best in life, why stop when it comes to their

spiritual path? It behooves each parent to consider the

price their child is paying for their cynical spirit. Our

legacy includes a connection to God that anchors our

children to values and beliefs, enhancing their lives

with purpose, stability and meaningful traditions, mak-

ing them more likely to avoid risky behavior.

Parents who explore the wonder of life and delve

into this new spiritual world along with their children

discover the magic of the soul. Within each of us lies a

spark. Perhaps in some it is merely an ember, but still,the spark remains waiting to be ignited. And sometimes

it takes a child to kindle the soul of his parent. How can

we deny our child this gift of life?

As we concluded our conversation, we spoke to-

gether about the mission we share, to bring spiritual-

ity home. Dr. Miller added. “Tell parents this is not one

more thing to do. It’s about sitting still. Showing up. Do-

ing less and being present more.”

The journey awaits us.

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a parenting educator and author of

“Raising a Child With Soul” (St. Martin’s Press).

Reprinted with permission of aish.com

Dr. Lisa Miller

‘WE HAVE A HIGHERCALLING. IT IS UP TO US TONURTURE OUR CHILDREN’S

SOULS AND GIVE THEMTOOLS FOR LIFE.’


18/24

18 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 201618 ABOUT OUR CHILDREN • JANUARY 2016

Putting the Right Kind of Attention

On Attention Deficit DisorderR I F K A S C H O N F E L D

Most of us find ourselves a little

“scattered” at moments. Who

hasn’t zoned out during a meet-

ing or while listening to a speech? Or

found their attention wandering during

conversations with friends or co-work-

ers? Forgetting where we put the car

keys or why we dropped by the super-

market are experiences we can all relate

to.

For many people, however, absent-

mindedness, “scattered” thinking and

disorganization are not merely occasion-

al lapses. They are chronic and persis-tent, to the point of impairing a person’s

functioning. When attention deficit is

present to this degree, it can indi-

cate the presence of a neurological

disorder.

ADD and ADHD (attention

deficit with hyperactivity)

are among the most preva-

lent chronic conditions

plaguing school children

in the United States, ex-

perts say. In a majority

of cases, left untreated,

the symptoms – and their

emotional fallout – con-

tinue through adulthood.

What Exactly Is ADHD?ADHD is a neurological dis-

order characterized by inap-

propriate levels of inattention,

over-activity, and impulsivity.

Symptoms arise in early childhood

but are not always identified correctly.

Signs of inattention include: difficul-

ty following instructions; difficulty sus-

taining attention; loses things necessary

for tasks; poor attention to details; dis-

organized, surrounded by clutter; makes

careless mistakes; appears sluggish/

drowsy; forgetful; chronic daydream-

ing; appears apathetic or unmotivated

to complete tasks; appears “spacey,”preoccupied; appears confused, lost in

thought; difficulty complying with rules

Signs of hyperactivity and impul-

sivity include: difficulty awaiting turn;

interrupts/intrudes; blurts out answers;

difficulty playing quietly; difficulty re-

maining seated; excessive writhing,

squirming, playing with objects, fidget-

ing; excessive talking.

Early Detection and InterventionDetecting ADHD early can be enormous-

ly beneficial for the child. “The emotion-

al insight and empowerment that comes

with early detection of ADHD can trans-

form a child’s world,” says Dr. Edward

Hallowell, a Harvard-based psychiatrist

who treats ADHD children and has au-

thored many books on the subject.

Instead of facing a steady barrage

of criticism that destroys self-worth, a

child whose ADD is detected in the early

grades is helped to learn about his spe-

cial neurological challenges, and to mas-

ter specific strategies to stay on top of

them, he explains. Early

intervention

“ c a n

transform a victim into a victor.”

Ironically, the vast increase in ADD/

ADHD diagnoses across the country

has given rise to skepticism in some

quarters about the disorder. Teacherswho try to make parents aware of their

child’s attention issues often encounter

opposition. They find that some parents

brush aside the suggestion that ADHD

might be present, and are quick to put

the onus on the teacher.

The child is “bored,” the parents

argues, or lacking stimulation. “He has

no problem concentrating at home. Per-

haps if you made the lessons more inter-

esting, he would pay better attention.”

This reaction underscores one of

the key misconceptions about attention

deficit disorder. An ADHD child often

has no trouble focusing on an activity

he or she finds enjoyable. One can find

such children engaged in games, crafts

or other projects in which they have

natural skill or interest.

However, as soon as the subject mat-

ter becomes more abstract or requires

sustained mental effort, the ADHD child

typically loses interest. She begins to

fidget and be disruptive, or to “space

out.”

Parents who

do not see

their

child in a classroom context obviously

have no frame of reference with which togauge attention issues, hyperactivity or

impulsivity. Only when these behaviors

are measured against those of his peers,

and combined with a parent’s observa-

tions of behavior at home, can a valid

diagnosis be made – and then only by a

professional.

Since there is no blood test, x-ray

or sonogram that can identify ADHD, a

specialist arrives at a diagnosis through

skilled interviewing of the child, parents

and teachers, as well as careful observa-

tion and weighing of data and anecdotal

evidence over a period of time.

Socially ImmatureCurrent research shows that ADH

dren are often socially immature.

interactions with others often a

unfriendly, awkward, remote, abr

domineering or insensitive. They

not to be able to read social cues a

be rebuffed by peers for inappro

behavior.

Social rejection provokes ne

behavior that triggers more reje

which in turn, reinforces the child

cial isolation.

“ADD children may become dalized, believing they are little mor

a nuisance,” notes an article i

on Education. “Feelings of lo

esteem begin to emerge.

children tend to co

themselves unfavorably

their siblings and

They may believe

their families are

pointed in them, a

gin to feel unlove

unappreciated.”

Although m

tion has been us

years to improv

trol over behavito stimulate an

crease attention,

cation does not

the negative fe

and low self-estee

does not reverse ing

habits and behavior in

children that tend to al

their peers.

Many experts believe that

ing ADHD children to rebuild self-e

and to master social skills shou

company the use of medication

when ADHD kids can truly believ

they are important and worthwhil

can exercise control over their live

they be able to succeed.Current research shows that

half of children with ADHD will con

to have difficulties with inattentio

tractibility, and impulsivity for th

of their lives. The best way to

long-term success and complianc

treatment is to get ADHD childre

sonally involved in the process ear

MedicationMedication is, of course, another

option for many with ADHD. For

children, medications such as R

SPECIAL NEEDS



can be extremely beneficial, allowing

them to focus and concentrate for ex-

tended periods of time. There are also

many instances in which medication

is not necessary, but for most children

with ADHD, medication is an important

step on the road to success.

Classroom Modifications for ADDand ADHDThe following suggestions may be of

help in the classroom for children with

ADD. Seat students in rows. Having

children sit in groups increases distrac-

tions for the ADHD child. Seat ADHD

student near teacher’s desk, up front

with her back to the rest of the class,

but include as part of regular class

seating. Surround ADHD student with

“good role models,” preferably stu-

dents whom the ADHD child views fa-

vorably. Encourage buddying up during

class time, whenever appropriate. Do

not place the ADD/ADHD student near

air conditioners, heaters, high traffic ar-

eas, doors or windows. Keep the class-room door closed. Keep the room free

of clutter. Distracting posters, signs,

and hanging pictures should relate to

the lesson being presented. ADD chil-

dren do not handle change very well so

whenever possible, avoid transitions,

changes in schedule, physical reloca-

tion and disruptions.

ADD CoachingMany people have found ADHD coach-

ing a highly effective and more afford-

able alternative to counseling. An ADHD

“coach” works with a child often on her

own turf, to analyze what specifically is

contributing to her social difficulties,

and to generate behavioral strategies to

improve social interactions.ADHD coaching also helps children

to understand that the source of many of

their challenges is ADHD, not personal

shortcomings. Safely examine areas of

failure for clues as to how to implement

change. Heighten self-awareness and

self-observation skills, and use those

skills to improve dec

about our children, january 2016

Documents