alan wolfelt theory paper

8/12/2019 Alan Wolfelt Theory Paper

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Running Head: ALAN WOLFELT 1

Alan Wolfelt

Alissa A. Wulff

The George Washington University




“We live in a grief -avoidant society, where grief is supposed to be „overcome,‟ „let go of‟

or „resolved,‟ ” according to Dr. Alan Wolfelt Ph.D (Dealing with GRIEF, 2007). The study of

grief is quite complex with the unique nature in which each person responds. Researchers strive

to find evidence of a scientific approach to use for modeling the grieving process, but Dr.

Wolfelt is not one of them.

Dr. Wolfelt is a world renowned author, educator, and grief counselor who currently

serves as the Founder and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins,

CO, as well as a faculty member at the University of Colorado Medical School‟s Department of

Family Medicine (Center for Loss, 2011). Dr. Wolfelt has contributed commentary of his

extensive experience and knowledge through various outlets to include the Oprah Winfrey Show,

Larry King Live, and the NBC Today show, in addition to being a past recipient of the

Association of Death Education and Counseling‟s Death Educator Award (Center for Loss,

2011). His knowledge isn‟t specific to a particular population and has been utilized spanning

from children to adults (Care for Loss, 2011). Throughout the various speaking engagements and

seminars he participates in, dealing with personal loss is what got him started in the area. Dr.

Wolfelt lost his best friend to leukemia at age 14, as well as his father more recently (Harac,

2002). The motivation behind his practice is to help people devastated by loss and educating and

training people about the importance and value of supporting each other in time of grief;

something he finds great personal meaning and purpose through (Wolfelt, 2011). He is married

to his wife Susan who is a physician and they have three children (Center for Loss, 2011).

If one were to categorize a theoretical basis for Dr. Wolfelt‟s practice it would include

elements of existentialism, spirituality, and philosophy. He is well known for his model of

„companioning‟ versus „treating‟ mourners, which depict aspects of all of the aforementioned. To




him, grief is not treatable; it is a life long process that should not focus on assessment, analyzing,

fixing, or resolving another‟s grief, but providing a safe place for the mourner to share their story

(Center for Loss, 2011).

Dr. Wolfelt finds the tendency for people to interchangeably use grief and mourning as

problematic (Dealing with GRIEF, 2007). He defines grief as a natural, internal emotional

response to losing a loved one, while mourning as a shared social response of taking that grief

publicly (Dealing with GRIEF, 2007). We don‟t move forward in our process of healing through

solely grieving, we must also mourn (Wolfelt, 2007a). Although similar in nature, Dr. Wolfelt

gives clear definition on the roles in which grief and mourning coincide during the healing

process. By externalizing our internal reactions to a loss, we are more self-aware of the reality of

the situation. Historically in western culture we have tried to avoid the pain of grief and have

spent less time authentically mourning, which has affected long-term mental health to include

symptoms of anxiety, depression, and loss of intimacy (Dealing with GRIEF, 2007). In modern

day society its easy to grieve without mourning as there are often expectations of „quick

recovery‟ and positive reinforcement for those appearing „strong‟ and „withholding tears‟

(Wolfelt, 2007a). This leaves the bereaved to grieve in isolation; not having the social

recognition that reinforces their right to their own responses and build up of internal tension

which the act of crying helps release (Wolfelt, 2007a).

There is not a need for „treater‟ caregivers since there is not a „right‟ way to mourn or

cure grief; instead we need sanctuaries and attentive companions in the course of mourning

(Dealing with GRIEF, 2007). The philosophy of companioning‟s foundation lies in a teaching

perspective, in that the caregiver seeks to learn, watch, honor, and bear witness to the mourner

and their loss (Center for Loss, 2011). To companion is to bring comfort to another by becoming




familiar with their story, experiences and needs, and to foster that relationship even to the point

of self-disclosure if it permits (Center for Loss, 2011). According to Dr. Wolfelt‟s philosophy,

there are eleven tenets to companioning:

1. Companioning is about being present to another person‟s pain; it is not about taking

away the pain

2. Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being;

it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out

3. Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect

4.

Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the

head

5. Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about

judging or directing these struggles

6. Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading or being led

7. Companioning means discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it does not mean filling

up every moment with words

8. Companioning the bereaved is about being still; it is not about frantic movement

forward

9. Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing

order and logic

10. Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them

11. Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise. Center for Loss (2011).

The implications of this philosophy can be helpful for caregivers to pay attention to any potential

biases or preconceived notions of the experience of grief if they have not dealt with it yet




themselves. Companioning parallels the type of trusted relationship fostered in general

counseling situations, with a focus on empowerment and control of the mourner to their

individual progress.

Dr. Wolfelt does not outline a particular pathway through the grieving process, but

rather basic human „reconciliation needs‟ one must go through to begin healing. “We do not

resolve or recover from our grief. These terms suggest a total return to „normalcy‟ and yet in my

personal, as well as professional experience, we are all forever changed by the experience of

gr ief,” (Wolfelt, 2007a). We can reconcile grief by learning to integrate the new reality of

moving on in life without the loved one lost, renewing our sense of confidence, obtaining the

ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, building the capacity to get reacquainted to

activities, and understanding that pain and grief are necessary parts of living (Wolfelt, 2007a).

Although there is not a normal progression of grief, Wolfelt (2007c) acknowledges that mourners

must yield to the six following basic human „reconciliation needs‟ in no particular order, if they

are to heal:

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death

2. Embracing the pain of the loss

3. Remembering the person who died

4. Developing a new self-identity

5. Searching for meaning

6. Receiving ongoing support from others.

By allowing one to experience these various needs through this difficult process, the bereaved

gains awareness of the loss and can begin their journey of moving on and healing. The sense of

loss never disappears, yet the pain fades with time. By empowering the bereaved to journey




through the center of their grief, they are better suited to embrace the pain which will eventually

give rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in their lives (Wolfelt, 2007c).

Dr. Wolfelt‟s does not contend that his profession is able to heal or cure those struck

by loss, but realistically paves a road to be as supportive as possible to someone grieving. By

approaching grief through active listening and empowering the bereaved, Wolfelt‟s approach

promotes an authentic and safe environment that fosters the support and interest to hear ones

struggles and feelings towards their loss (Wolfelt, 2007b). In particular the “Mourner‟s Bill of

Rights” permits open understanding and reiterates the normal human response of grief in the face

of loss:

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief

2. You have the right to talk about your grief

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits

5. You have the right to experience „grief bursts‟

6. You have the right to make use of ritual

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

8. You have the right to search for meaning

9. You have the right to treasure your memories

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal (Wolfelt, 2007b).

Not only does this list help bring to the forefront of your mind your rights as the bereaved, but

also helps identity how others may or may not be able to help you during such a sensitive time. It

can serve to help distinguish which responses are helpful or detrimental to your current state of

being. Having gone through personal loss, bringing direct attention to these seemingly common




knowledge points reinforces the uniqueness and totality of grief. We all experience it differently

and should not let others take anything away from that experience. Wolfelt (2007c) contends that

one is doing well with their grief if they are becoming well acquainted with their pain. On the

contrary, western society appears to believe that withholding tears and „being strong‟ are seen as

admirable characteristic of handling loss, when in fact they encourage the repression of the

mourner‟s thoughts and feelings (Wolfelt, 2007c). This is a very powerful message in the need to

journey through the raw center of the pain of loss in order to be able to heal and find peace. The

process itself can be overwhelming and by having a set of empowering rights to give an

individual a sense of „normalcy‟ in their responses and reactions to various stimuli is very

important and beneficial.

The combination of existentialism, spirituality, and philosophy give a strong and

compassionate foundation to the approach of dealing with the inevitability of loss. Dr. Wolfelt‟s

emphasis on a personal interactive relationship in supporting grief over trying to find a medical

or scientific categorization model of the process made an impression on me. It is apparent that

researchers have an incredibly hard time finding empirical evidence suggesting a predictive

methodological approach to grief. Dr. Wolfelt cited a powerful statement made by Thomas

Moore:

It‟s not surprising that as our culture advances in information and technology, we seem

to become more inarticulate about the matters of the heart. We quantify „human

behavior‟ and develop programs of therapy and treatment, and yet the procrustean

trimming of the soul to fit our programs of science, doesn‟t have much effect. We still

encounter the soul briefly, as a set of problems, rather than as a creative and

constructive source of life (as cited in Wolfelt, 2011).




This is particularly meaningful in articulating the challenge of caregivers with such a fluid

process which humans process in different ways. The more we modernize our societies with

social media and technology, the more dependence there is to find more compartmentalized ways

to handle or deal with distress or discomfort. Dr. Wolfelt does a lot of educating and I believe

educating society at large with how to approach and recognize grief should be mandated. In

practice, it would be impossible to do so. But the fact that death and loss are inevitable, we

should have the knowledge of potential coping methods to handle those difficult trials. The naïve

and often idiotic behaviors and responses that individuals who have not experienced grief have

towards those grieving are bothersome. No one is prepared for death or loss, but having some

sort of psychoeducational background could help society as a whole relate to each other on a

more humane spectrum. The process of grief cannot be prescriptive or predictive and its clear to

date, that the most important element a caregiver can provide to a mourner is their undivided

attention and an open heart.




References

Center for Loss and Life Transition. (2011). Retrieved from www.centerforloss.com.

Dealing with GRIEF. (2007). Town and Country, 161, 109. Retrieved from

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enre=article&rft.jtitle=Town+and+Country&rft.atitle=Dealing+With+GRIEF&rft.au=&rf

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1201&rft.volume=44&rft.issue=4&rft.spage=633&rft.isbn=&rft.btitle=&rft.title=African

+American+Review&rft.issn=10624783.

Harac, L. (2002, May 24). Laughter and loss: An annual bereavement lecture explores getting

past the death of a loved one. Baltimore Jewish Times, 266 , 21-21. Retrieved from

http://search.proquest.com/docview/222798751?accountid=11243.

Wolfelt, A. (2007a). Helping Dispel 5 Common Myths About Grief. [Web log comment].

Retrieved from http://www.grieftogreatness.com/professionalcommentaries.html.

Wolfelt, A. (2007b). The Mourner‟s Bill of Rights. [Web log comment]. Retrieved from

http://www.grieftogreatness.com/professionalcommentaries.html.

Wolfelt, A. (2007c). The Mourner‟s Six “Reconciliation Needs”. [Web log comment]. Retrieved

from http://www.grieftogreatness.com/professionalcommentaries.html.

Wolfelt, A. (2011). Response to The Truth About Grief. Grief Digest Magazine. Retrieved from

http://griefdigestmagazine.com/2011/06/response-to-the-truth-about-grief/.

alan wolfelt theory paper

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