alfie kohn - unconditional parenting[1]

8/11/2019 Alfie Kohn - Unconditional Parenting[1]

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A T R I A B O O K S

NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY



Praie for Alfie Kohn an!

Unconditional Parenting

"Unconditional Parenting i #oin# $o %a&e 'o( $hin&)har!)a*o($

$he $'+e of rela$ionhi+ 'o( ,an$ $o ha-e ,i$h 'o(r .hil!/ a*o($

'o(r +aren$in# +riori$ie/ an! a*o($ ho, $o a-oi! %an' of $he%i$a&e of o(r +re!e.eor0 I$1 ,ha$ ,e1-e .o%e $o e2+e.$ fro%

Alfie Kohn/ an! $hi i (n3(e$iona*l' one of hi %o$ +er(ai-e/

i%+or$an$ ,or&0 For 'o(r a&e an! 'o(r .hil!1 0 0 0 rea! i$45

)Ro W0 Greene/ a($hor of The Explosive Child

"Wi$$' an! $ho(#h$6+ro-o&in#0 0 0 0 Thi li-el' *oo& ,ill (rel' rile

+aren$ ,ho ,an$ $o *e *o0 Thoe ee&in# al$erna$i-e %e$ho!of raiin# .onfi!en$/ ,ell6lo-e! .hil!ren/ ho,e-er/ ,ill ,ar%l'

e%*ra.e Kohn1 %ea#e05

)Publishers Weekly

"Thi *oo& (n!er.ore an i%+or$an$ +aren$in# +rin.i+le7 Di.i+line

i %ore a*o($ ha-in# $he ri#h$ rela$ionhi+ ,i$h 'o(r .hil! $han

ha-in# $he ri#h$ $e.hni3(e05)Willia% Sear/ The Baby Book an!

The DisciplineBook

"I fo(n! %'elf ,an$in# $o (n!erline e-er' o$her en$en.e of Uncon-

ditional Parenting, ,hi.h i !ifferen$ fro%)an! a refrehin# .hallen#e

$o)%o$ o$her *oo& a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren0 I$1 en$er$ainin# eno(#h

o $ha$ 'o( .an rea! i$ 3(i.&l'/ *($ i$1 o +a.&e! ,i$h $ho(#h$6

+ro-o&in# i!ea $ha$ 'o(1ll ,an$ $o $a&e 'o(r $i%e05

)Bar*ara 8oloroo/ a($hor of ids !re Worth "t#



!lso by !l)ie ohn

NO 8ONTEST7

THE 8ASE AGAINST 8OMPETITION

THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF HUMAN NATURE7

ALTRUISM AND EMPATHY IN EVERYDAY LIFE

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY 0 0 0 7

THE TRUTH ABOUT POPULAR BELIEFS

PUNISHED BY REWARDS7

THE TROUBLE WITH GOLD STARS/ IN8ENTIVE PLANS/

A1S/ PRAISE/ AND OTHER BRIBES

BEYOND DIS8IPLINE7

FROM 8OMPLIAN8E TO 8OMMUNITY

EDU8ATION/ IN807

TURNING LEARNING INTO A BUSINESS =EDITOR>

WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A 8LASSROOM 0 0 0

AND OTHER ESSAYS

THE S8HOOLS OUR 8HILDREN DESERVE7

MOVING BEYOND TRADITIONAL 8LASSROOMS AND

"TOUGHER STANDARDS5

THE 8ASE AGAINST STANDARDI?ED TESTING7

RAISING THE S8ORES/ RUINING THE S8HOOLS

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE WELL EDU8ATED@

AND MORE ESSAYS ON STANDARDS/ GRADING/ ANDOTHER FOLLIES



INTRODU8TION

7 8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

C7 GIVING AND WITHHOLDING LOVE C

7 TOO MU8H 8ONTROL

7 PUNITIVE DAMAGES

7 PUSHED TO SU88EED

7 WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@

7 PRIN8IPLES OF UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

http://var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_4/HYPERLINK%23page11
































J7 LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTA8HED

7 8HOI8ES FOR 8HILDREN

7 THE 8HILD1S PERSPE8TIVE

APPENDI Parenting &tyles+ The elevance o) Culture,

Class, and ac e CC

NOTES CCC

REFEREN8ES C

A8KNOWLEDGMENTS C

INDE C






































$o% uch ore precious is

a little huanity than all the rules in the %orld.

)<EAN PIAGET



INTRODU8TION

E-en *efore I ha! .hil!ren/ I &ne, $ha$ *ein# a +aren$ ,a #oin#$o *e .hallen#in# a ,ell a re,ar!in#0 B($ I !i!n1$ really &no,0

I !i!n1$ &no, ho, e2ha($e! i$ ,a +oi*le $o *e.o%e/ or ho,

.l(ele i$ ,a +oi*le $o feel/ or ho,/ ea.h $i%e I rea.he! $he

en! of %' ro+e/ I ,o(l! o%eho, ha-e $o fin! %ore ro+e0

I !i!n1$ (n!er$an! $ha$ o%e$i%e ,hen 'o(r &i! .rea% o lo(!l'

$ha$ $he nei#h*or are rea!' $o .all $he De+ar$%en$ of 8hil! Ser-i.e/ i$1

*e.a(e 'o(1-e er-e! $he ,ron# ha+e of +a$a for !inner0

I !i!n1$ realie $ha$ $hoe !ee+6*rea$hin# e2er.ie %o$her are

$a(#h$ in na$(ral6.hil!*ir$h .la !on1$ reall' $ar$ $o +a' off (n$il

lon# af$er $he .hil! i o($0

I .o(l!n1$ ha-e +re!i.$e! ho, relie-e! I1! *e $o learn $ha$ o$her

+eo+le1 .hil!ren $r(##le ,i$h $he a%e i(e/ an! a.$ in o%e of

$he a%e ,a'/ $ha$ %ine !o0 9E-en %ore li*era$in# i $he re.o#ni$ion

$ha$ o$her +aren$/ $oo/ ha-e !ar& %o%en$ ,hen $he' .a$.h$he%el-e no$ li&in# $heir o,n .hil!/ or ,on!erin# ,he$her i$1 all

,or$h i$/ or en$er6$ainin# -ario( o$her (n+ea&a*le $ho(#h$0:

The *o$$o% line i $ha$ raiin# &i! i no$ for ,i%+0 M' ,ife

a' i$1 a $e$ of 'o(r .a+a.i$' $o !eal ,i$h !ior!er an!

(n+re!i.$a*ili$') a $e$ 'o( .an1$ $(!' for/ an! one ,hoe re(l$

aren1$ al,a' rea6(rin#0 For#e$ "ro.&e$ .ien.e5 or "*rain

(r#er'57 When ,e ,an$ $o %a&e $he +oin$ $ha$ o%e$hin# in1$reall' all $ha$ !iffi.(l$/ ,e o(#h$ $o a'/ "He'/ i$1 no$ +aren$in#0 0 0 05



2 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

One .one3(en.e of $hi !iffi.(l$' i $ha$ ,e %a' *e $e%+$e! $o

fo.( o(r ener#ie on o-er.o%in# .hil!ren1 rei$an.e $o o(r

re3(e$ an! #e$$in# $he% $o !o ,ha$ ,e $ell $he%0 If ,e1re no$

.aref(l/ $hi .an *e.o%e o(r +ri%ar' #oal0 We %a' fin! o(rel-e ;oinin# all $hoe +eo6+le aro(n! ( ,ho +rie !o.ili$' in .hil!ren

an! -al(e hor$6$er% o*e6!ien.e a*o-e all0

Se-eral 'ear a#o/ ,hile on a le.$(re $ri+/ I ,a i$$in# in an air6

+lane $ha$ ha! ;($ lan!e! an! $a2ie! $o i$ #a$e0 A oon a $he

ding# i#nale! $ha$ ,e ,ere free $o $an! (+ an! re$rie-e o(r .arr'6

on *a#/ one of %' fello, +aen#er leane! in$o $he ro, ahea! of

( an! .on6#ra$(la$e! $he +aren$ of a 'o(n# *o' i$$in# $here0 "He

,a o #oo! !(rin# $he fli#h$45 %' ea$%a$e e2.lai%e!0

8oni!er for a %o%en$ $he &e' ,or! in $ha$ en$en.e0 *ood i an

a!;e.$i-e of$en la!en ,i$h %oral i#nifi.an.e0 I$ .an *e a 'non'% for

ethical or honorable or copassionate. Ho,e-er/ ,here .hil!ren are

.on.erne!/ $he ,or! i ;($ a li&el' $o %ean no$hin# %ore $han /uiet

)or/ +erha+/ not a pain in the butt to e. O-erhearin# $ha$ .o%6%en$

in $he +lane/ I ha! a li$$le ding# %o%en$ of %' o,n0 I realie! $ha$ $hi

i ,ha$ %an' +eo+le in o(r o.ie$' ee% $o ,an$ %o$ fro% .hil!ren7

no$ $ha$ $he' are .arin# or .rea$i-e or .(rio(/ *($ i%+l' $ha$ $he' are

,ell *eha-e!0 A "#oo!5 .hil!)fro% infan.' $o a!ole.en.e) i one

,ho in1$ $oo %(.h $ro(*le $o ( #ro,n6(+0

O-er $he la$ .o(+le of #enera$ion/ $he $ra$e#ie for $r'in# $o +ro6

!(.e $ha$ re(l$ %a' ,ell ha-e .han#e!0 Where &i! ,ere on.e ro(6

$inel' (*;e.$e! $o harh .or+oral +(nih%en$/ $he' %a' no, *e

en$en.e! $o $i%e6o($ or/ +erha+/ offere! re,ar! ,hen $he' o*e'

(0 B($ !on1$ %i$a&e ne, %ean for ne, en!0 The #oal .on$in(e $o

*e .on$rol/ e-en if ,e e.(re i$ ,i$h %ore %o!ern %e$ho!0 Thi in1$

*e.a(e ,e !on1$ .are a*o($ o(r &i!0 I$ ha %ore $o !o ,i$h *ein#

o-er,hel%e! *' $he .o(n$le +roai. +re(re of fa%il' life/ ,here

$he nee! $o #e$ .hil!ren in$o an! o($ of $he *e!/ *a$h$(*/ or .ar %a&ei$ har! $o $e+ *a.& an! e-al(a$e ,ha$ ,e1re !oin#0

One +ro*le% ,i$h ;($ $r'in# $o #e$ &i! $o !o ,ha$ ,e a' i $ha$

$hi %a' .onfli.$ ,i$h o$her/ %ore a%*i$io(/ #oal ,e ha-e for $he%0



I N T R O D U 8 T I O N

Thi af$ernoon/ 'o(r +ri%ar' .on.ern for 'o(r on %a' *e for hi%

$o $o+ raiin# a r(.&( in $he (+er%ar&e$ an! a..e+$ $he fa.$ $ha$

'o(1re no$ #oin# $o *(' a *i#/ .olorf(l *o2 of .an!' !i#(ie! a

*rea&fa$ .ereal0 B($ i$1 ,or$h !i##in# a li$$le !ee+er0 In $he,or&ho+ I .on!(.$ for +aren$/ I li&e $o $ar$ off *' a&in#/ "Wha$

are 'o(r long-ter o*;e.$i-e for 'o(r .hil!ren@ Wha$ ,or! or

+hrae .o%e $o %in! $o !e.ri*e ho, 'o(1! li&e $he% $o $(rn o($/

,ha$ 'o( ,an$ $he% $o *e li&e on.e $he'1re #ro,n@5

Ta&e a %o%en$ $o $hin& a*o($ ho, 'o( ,o(l! an,er $ha$ 3(e6

$ion0 When I in-i$e #ro(+ of +aren$ $o .o%e (+ ,i$h $he %o$ i%+or6

$an$ lon#6$er% #oal $he' ha-e for $heir &i!/ I hear re%ar&a*l' i%ilar

re+one a.ro $he .o(n$r'0 The li$ +ro!(.e! *' one a(!ien.e ,a

$'+i.al7 Thee +aren$ ai! $he' ,an$e! $heir .hil!ren $o *e ha++'/

*al6an.e!/ in!e+en!en$/ f(lfille!/ +ro!(.$i-e/ elf6relian$/ re+oni*le/

f(n.$ionin#/ &in!/ $ho(#h$f(l/ lo-in#/ in3(ii$i-e/ an! .onfi!en$0

Wha$1 in$ere$in# a*o($ $ha$ .olle.$ion of a!;e.$i-e)an! ,ha$1

(ef(l a*o($ $he +ro.e of refle.$in# on $he 3(e$ion in $he fir$ +la.e

)i $ha$ i$ .hallen#e ( $o a& ,he$her ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# i .on6

i$en$ ,i$h ,ha$ ,e reall' ,an$0 Are %' e-er'!a' +ra.$i.e li&el' $o

hel+ %' .hil!ren #ro, in$o $he &in! of +eo+le I1! li&e $he% $o *e@ Will

$he $hin# I ;($ ai! $o %' .hil! a$ $he (+er%ar&e$ .on$ri*($e in o%e

%all ,a' $o her *e.o%in# ha++' an! *alan.e! an! in!e+en!en$ an!

f(lfille! an! o on)or i i$ +oi*le 9#(l+: $ha$ $he ,a' I $en! $o han6

!le (.h i$(a$ion %a&e $hoe o($.o%e less li&el'@ If o/ ,ha$

ho(l! I *e !oin# in$ea!@

If i$1 $oo !a(n$in# $o i%a#ine ho, 'o(r .hil!ren ,ill $(rn o($ %an'

'ear fro% no,/ $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ reall' %a$$er $o 'o( $o!a'0 Pi.$(re

'o(relf $an!in# a$ a *ir$h!a' +ar$' or in $he hall of 'o(r .hil!1

.hool0 Aro(n! $he .orner are $,o o$her +aren$ ,ho !on1$ &no,

'o(1re $here0 Yo( o-erhear $he% $al&in# a*o($ 0 0 0 'o(r .hil!4 Of all $he

$hin# $he' %i#h$ *e a'in#/ ,ha$ ,o(l! #i-e 'o( $he %o$ +lea(re@

A#ain/ +a(e for a %o%en$ $o $hin& of a ,or! or en$en.e $ha$ 'o(

,o(l! *e e+e.iall' !eli#h$e! $o hear0 M' #(e)an! %' ho+e)i

$ha$ i$ ,o(l!n1$ *e/ "Bo'/ $ha$ .hil! !oe e-er'$hin# he1 $ol!




an! 'o( ne-er hear a +ee+ o($ of hi%05 The .r(.ial 3(e$ion/ $here6

fore/ i ,he$her ,e o%e$i%e a.$ a $ho(#h $ha$ is ,ha$ ,e .are

a*o($ %o$0

Al%o$ $,en$'6fi-e 'ear a#o/ a o.ial +'.holo#i$ na%e! Elia*e$h

8a#an re-ie,e! a *(hel of .on$e%+orar' +aren$in# *oo& an! .on6

.l(!e! $ha$ $he' %o$l' refle.$e! a "*lan&e$ a..e+$an.e of +aren$al

+rero#a$i-e/5 ,i$h li$$le "erio( .oni!era$ion of a .hil!1 nee!/ feel6

in#/ or !e-elo+%en$05 The !o%inan$ a(%+$ion/ he a!!e!/ ee%e!

$o *e $ha$ $he +aren$1 !eire "are a($o%a$i.all' le#i$i%a$e/5 an! $h(

$he onl' 3(e$ion o+en for !i.(ion ,a ho,/ e2a.$l'/ &i! .o(l! *e

%a!e $o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re $ol!0C

Sa!l'/ no$ %(.h ha .han#e! in.e $hen0 More $han a h(n!re!

+ar6en$in# *oo& are +(*lihe! in $he Uni$e! S$a$e e-er' 'ear/ alon#

,i$h .o(n$le ar$i.le in +aren$in# %a#aine/ an! %o$ of $he% are

fille! ,i$h a!-i.e a*o($ ho, $o #e$ .hil!ren $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r

e2+e.$a6$ion/ ho, $o %a&e $he% *eha-e/ ho, $o $rain $he% a $ho(#h

$he' ,ere +e$0 Man' (.h #(i!e alo offer a +e+ $al& a*o($ $he nee!

$o $an! (+ $o &i! an! aer$ o(r +o,er)in o%e .ae e2+li.i$l'

,ri$6in# off an' %i#i-in# ,e %a' ha-e a*o($ !oin# o0 Thi lan$ i

refle.$e! e-en in $he $i$le of re.en$l' +(*lihe! *oo&7 Don0t Be !)raid

to Discipline1 Parents in Charge1 Parent in Control1 Taking Charge1

Back in Control1 Disciplining 2our Preschooler3and 4eeling *ood

!bout "t1 0Cause "0 the 5oy, That0s Why1 'aying Do%n the 'a%1

*uilt-4ree Parenting1 6The !ns%er "s 7o81 an! on an! on0

So%e of $hee *oo& !efeni-el' $an! (+ for ol!6fahione! -al(e

an! %e$ho! 9"Yo(r rear en! i #oin# $o *e %i#h$' ore ,hen 'o(r fa$her

#e$ ho%e5:/ ,hile o$her %a&e $he .ae for ne,fan#le! $e.h6ni3(e

9"Goo! ;o*4 Yo( +ee! in $he +o$$'/ hone'4 No, 'o( .an ha-e 'o(r

$i.&er45:0 B($ in nei$her .ae !o $he' +re ( $o *e (re $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re

a&in# of .hil!ren i reaona*le)or in $heir *e$ in$ere$0

I$1 alo $r(e/ a 'o( %a' ha-e no$i.e!/ $ha$ %an' of $hee *oo&

offer (##e$ion $ha$ $(rn o($ $o *e/ hall ,e a'/ no$ $erri*l' hel+6




f(l/ e-en $ho(#h $he'1re o%e$i%e follo,e! *' .o%i.all' (nreali$i.

+aren$6.hil! !ialo#(e in$en!e! $o ho, ho, ,ell $he' ,or&0 B($

,hile i$ .an *e fr($ra$in# $o rea! a*o($ $e.hni3(e $ha$ +ro-e $o *e

ineffe.$i-e/ i$1 %(.h %ore !an#ero( ,hen *oo& ne-er e-en *o$her $o a&/ "Wha$ !o ,e %ean *' e))ective95 When ,e fail $o e2a%ine o(r

o*;e.$i-e/ ,e1re lef$ *' !efa(l$ ,i$h +ra.$i.e $ha$ are in$en!e! olel'

$o #e$ &i! $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol!0 Tha$ %ean ,e1re fo.(in# onl' on

,ha$1 %o$ .on-enien$ for (/ no$ on ,ha$ $he' nee!0

Ano$her $hin# a*o($ +aren$in# #(i!e7 Mo$ of $he% offer a!-i.e

*ae! olel' on ,ha$ $he a($hor ha++en $o $hin&/ ,i$h .aref(ll' .ho6

en ane.!o$e $o (++or$ hi or her +oin$ of -ie,0 There1 rarel' an'

%en$ion of ,ha$ reear.h ha $o a' a*o($ $he i!ea in 3(e$ion0

In!ee!/ i$1 +oi*le $o %a&e 'o(r ,a' .lear a.ro $he .hil!6.are

helf of 'o(r lo.al *oo&$ore/ one $i$le a$ a $i%e/ ,i$ho($ e-en realiin#

$ha$ $here1 *een a .oni!era*le a%o(n$ of .ien$ifi. in-e$i#a$ion of

-ari6o( a++roa.he $o +aren$in#0

So%e rea!er/ I realie/ are &e+$i.al of .lai% $ha$ "$(!ie ho,5

(.h6an!6(.h $o *e $r(e/ an! (n!er$an!a*l' o0 For one $hin#/ +eo6+le

,ho $o $ha$ +hrae aro(n! of$en !on1$ $ell 'o( ,ha$ $(!ie $he'1re

$al&in# a*o($/ le$ alone ho, $he' ,ere .on!(.$e! or ;($ ho, i#nifi.an$

$heir fin!in# ,ere0 An! $hen $here1 $ha$ +e&' 3(e$ion a#ain7 If a

reear.her .lai% $o ha-e +ro-en $ha$ !oin# x ,i$h 'o(r &i! i %ore

effe.$i-e $han !oin# y, ,e1! i%%e!ia$el' ,an$ $o a&/ "Wha$ e2a.$l' !o

'o( %ean *' e))ective9 Are 'o( (##e$in# $ha$ .hil6!ren ,ill *e *e$$er

off/ +'.holo#i.all' +ea&in#/ a a re(l$ of x9 Will $he' *e.o%e %ore

.on.erne! a*o($ $he i%+a.$ of $heir a.$ion on o$her +eo+le@ Or i x ;($

%ore li&el' $o +ro!(.e %in!le o*e!ien.e@5

So%e e2+er$/ li&e o%e +aren$/ ee% $o *e in$ere$e! onl' in $ha$

la$ 3(e$ion0 The' !efine a (..ef(l $ra$e#' a an'$hin# $ha$ #e$ &i!

$o follo, !ire.$ion0 The fo.(/ in o$her ,or!/ i li%i$e! $o ho, .hil!ren

behave, re#ar!le of ho, $he' feel a*o($ .o%+l'in# ,i$h a #i-en

re3(e$/ or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ ho, $he' .o%e $o re#ar! $he +er6on ,ho

(..ee!e! in #e$$in# $he% $o !o o0 Thi i a +re$$' !(*io( ,a' of

%ea(rin# $he -al(e of +aren$in# in$er-en$ion0 The e-i!en.e




(##e$ $ha$ e-en !i.i+linar' $e.hni3(e $ha$ ee% $o ",or&5

of$en $(rn o($ $o *e %(.h le (..ef(l ,hen ;(!#e! *' %ore

%eanin#f(l .ri$eria0 The .hil!1 .o%%i$%en$ $o a #i-en *eha-ior i

of$en hallo, an! $he *eha-ior i $herefore hor$6li-e!0

B($ $ha$1 no$ $he en! of $he $or'0 The +ro*le% in1$ ;($ $ha$ ,e

%i a lo$ *' e-al(a$in# o(r $ra$e#ie in $er% of ,he$her $he' #e$

&i! $o o*e' i$1 $ha$ o*e!ien.e i$elf in1$ al,a' !eira*le0 There i

(.h a $hin# a *ein# $oo ,ell *eha-e!0 One $(!'/ for e2a%+le/ fol6

lo,e! $o!!ler in Wahin#$on/ D080/ (n$il $he' ,ere fi-e 'ear ol! an!

fo(n! $ha$ "fre3(en$ .o%+lian.e =,a> o%e$i%e ao.ia$e! ,i$h

%ala!;($%en$05 8on-erel'/ "a .er$ain le-el of rei$an.e $o +aren$al

a($hori$'5 .an *e a "+oi$i-e i#n05 Ano$her +air of +'.holo#i$/

,ri$in# in $he :ournal o) !bnoral Child Psychology, !e.ri*e! a !i6

$(r*in# +heno%enon $he' .alle! ".o%+(li-e .o%+lian.e/5 in ,hi.h

.hil!ren1 fear of $heir +aren$ lea! $he% $o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re $ol!

)i%%e!ia$el' an! (n$hin&in#l'0 Man' $hera+i$/ $oo/ ha-e .o%6

%en$e! on $he e%o$ional .one3(en.e of an e2.ei-e nee! $o

+leae an! o*e' a!(l$0 The' +oin$ o($ $ha$ a%ain#l' ,ell6*eha-e!

.hil!ren !o ,ha$ $heir +aren$ ,an$ $he% $o !o/ an! *e.o%e ,ha$

$heir +ar6en$ ,an$ $he% $o *e.o%e/ *($ of$en a$ $he +ri.e of loin# a

ene of $he%el-e0

We %i#h$ a' $ha$ !i.i+line !oen1$ al,a' hel+ &i! $o *e.o%e sel) 6

!i.i+line!0 B($ e-en $ha$ e.on! o*;e.$i-e in1$ all i$1 .ra.&e! (+ $o *e0

I$1 no$ ne.earil' *e$$er $o #e$ .hil!ren $o in$ernalie o(r ,ihe an!

-al(e o $he'1ll !o ,ha$ ,e ,an$ e-en ,hen ,e1re no$ aro(n!0 Tr'in# $o

fo$er in$ernalia$ion)or elf6!i.i+line)%a' a%o(n$ $o an a$$e%+$ $o

!ire.$ .hil!ren1 *eha-ior *' re%o$e .on$rol0 I$1 ;($ a %ore +o,erf(l

-erion of o*e!ien.e0 There1 a *i# !ifferen.e/ af$er all/ *e$,een a .hil!

,ho !oe o%e$hin# *e.a(e he or he *elie-e i$1 $he ri#h$ $hin# $o !o

an! one ,ho !oe i$ o($ of a ene of .o%+(lion0 En(rin# $ha$ .hil!ren

in$ernalie o(r -al(e in1$ $he a%e $hin# a hel+in# $he% $o !e-elo+

$heir o,n0 An! i$1 !ia%e$ri.all' o++oe! $o $he #oal of ha-in# &i!

*e.o%e in!e+en!en$ $hin&er0

Mo$ of (/ I1% .on-in.e!/ !o in!ee! ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o $hin&




$hin& a*o($ $hoe #oal/ ,e o(#h$ $o $hin& a*o($ $he% a lo$0 The'

o(#h$ $o *e o(r $o(.h$one/ if onl' $o &ee+ ( fro% *ein# (.&e!

in$o $he 3(i.&an! of !ail' life ,i$h i$ .on$an$ $e%+$a$ion $o !o

,ha$e-er i$ $a&e $o #e$ .o%+lian.e0 A $he +aren$ of $,o .hil!ren/ Ia% ,ell a.3(ain$e! ,i$h $he fr($ra$ion an! .hallen#e $ha$ .o%e

,i$h $he ;o*0 There are $i%e ,hen %' *e$ $ra$e#ie fall fla$/

,hen %' +a$ien.e r(n o($/ ,hen I ;($ ,an$ %' &i! $o !o ,ha$ I

$ell $he%0 I$1 har! $o &ee+ $he *i# +i.$(re in %in! ,hen one of %'

.hil!ren i hrie&in# in a re$a(ran$0 For $ha$ %a$$er/ i$1 o%e$i%e

har! $o re%e%*er $he &in! of +eo+le %e ,an$ $o *e ,hen ,e1re in

$he %i!!le of a he.$i. !a'/ or ,hen ,e feel $he +(ll of le no*lei%+(le0 I$1 har!/ *($ i$1 $ill ,or$h,hile0

So%e +eo+le ra$ionalie ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# *' !i%iin# $he %ore

%eanin#f(l #oal)(.h a $r'in# $o *e/ or $o raie one1 .hil! $o *e/ a

#oo! +eron)a "i!eali$i.05 B($ $ha$ ;($ %ean ha-in# i!eal/ ,i$h6o($

,hi.h ,e1re no$ ,or$h a hell of a lo$0 I$ !oen1$ ne.earil' %ean

"i%+ra.$i.al05 In!ee!/ $here are +ra#%a$i. a ,ell a %oral reaon $o

fo.( on lon#6$er% #oal ra$her $han on i%%e!ia$e .o%+lian.e/ $o .on6

i!er ,ha$ o(r .hil!ren nee! ra$her $han ;($ ,ha$ ,e1re !e%an!in#/ an!

$o ee $he ,hole .hil! ra$her $han ;($ $he *eha-ior0

In $hi *oo&/ I1ll *e $al&in# a*o($ ,h' i$ %a&e #oo! ene $o hif$

a,a' fro% $he ((al $ra$e#ie for !oin# $hin# to &i!/ an! $o,ar! ,a'

of ,or&in# %ith $he%0 I$1 $r(e $ha$ +len$' of +eo+le/ a!(l$ a ,ell a

.hil!ren/ are (*;e.$e! $o "!oin# $o5 $a.$i.0 B($ i$ ,on1$ !o $o re+on!/

"Well/ $ha$1 ;($ $he ,a' $he ,orl! i5 ,hen +reen$e! ,i$h a .ae

a#ain$/ a'/ (in# +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! $o #e$ +eo+le $o fall in$o line0

The .ri$i.al 3(e$ion i ,ha$ &in! of +eo+le ,e ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o *e)

an! $ha$ in.l(!e ,he$her ,e ,an$ $he% $o *e $he &in! ,ho a..e+$ $hin#

a $he' are or $he &in! ,ho $r' $o %a&e $hin# *e$$er0

Thi i (*-eri-e $(ff)li$erall'0 I$ (*-er$ $he .on-en$ional

a!-i.e ,e re.ei-e a*o($ raiin# &i!/ an! i$ .hallen#e a hor$i#h$e!

3(e$ $o #e$ $he% $o ;(%+ $hro(#h o(r hoo+0 For o%e of (/ i$ %a'

.all in$o 3(e$ion %(.h of ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#)an! +erha+ e-en

,ha$ ,a !one $o ( ,hen ,e ,ere 'o(n#0




The (*;e.$ of $hi *oo& i no$ %erel' !i.i+line *($/ %ore *roa!l'/

$he ,a' ,e a.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren/ a ,ell a ho, ,e $hin& a*o($ $he%

an! feel a*o($ $he%0 I$ +(r+oe i $o hel+ re.onne.$ 'o( ,i$h 'o(r

o,n *e$ in$in.$ an! $o reaffir% ,ha$ reall' %a$$er)af$er $he +a;a6%a are on/ af$er $he ho%e,or& i !one/ af$er $he i*lin# 3(a**le

ha-e finall' *een 3(ie$e!0 I$ a& 'o( $o re.oni!er 'o(r *ai.

a(%+6$ion a*o($ +aren$6.hil! rela$ionhi+0

Mo$ i%+or$an$/ i$ offer +ra.$i.al al$erna$i-e $o $he $a.$i.

,e1re o%e$i%e $e%+$e! $o (e $o %a&e o(r &i! *eha-e/ or $o

+(h $he% $o (..ee!0 I *elie-e $hee al$erna$i-e ha-e a

reaona*le .han.e of hel+in# o(r &i! $o #ro, (+ a #oo! +eo+le

)good, $ha$ i/ in $he f(lle$ ene of $ha$ ,or!0



8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

Iha-e o%e$i%e !eri-e! .o%for$ fro% $he i!ea $ha$/ !e+i$e all $he

%i$a&e I1-e %a!e 9an! ,ill .on$in(e $o %a&e: a a +aren$/ %' .hil6!ren

,ill $(rn o($ ;($ fine for $he i%+le reaon $ha$ I reall' lo-e $he%0 Af$er all/

lo-e heal all ,o(n!0 All 'o( nee! i lo-e0 Lo-e %ean ne-er ha-in# $o

a' 'o(1re orr' a*o($ ho, 'o( lo$ 'o(r $e%+er $hi %orn6

in# in $he &i$.hen0

Thi rea(rin# no$ion i *ae! on $he i!ea $ha$ $here e2i$ a

$hin# .alle! Paren$al Lo-e/ a in#le (*$an.e $ha$ 'o( .an (++l'$o 'o(r .hil!ren in #rea$er or leer 3(an$i$ie0 9Grea$er/ of .o(re/

i *e$$er0: B($ ,ha$ if $hi a(%+$ion $(rn o($ $o *e fa$all'

i%+li$i.@ Wha$ if $here a.$(all' are !ifferen$ ,a' of lo-in# a

.hil!/ an! no$ all of $he% are e3(all' !eira*le@ The +'.hoanal'$

Ali.e Miller on.e o*er-e! $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o lo-e a .hil!

"+aiona$el')*($ no$ in $he ,a' he nee! $o *e lo-e!05 If he1

ri#h$/ $he rele-an$ 3(e$ion in1$ ;($ ,he$her)or e-en ho, %(.h)

,e lo-e o(r &i!0 I$ alo %a$$er ho% ,e lo-e $he%0

On.e $ha$1 (n!er$oo!/ ,e .o(l! +re$$' 3(i.&l' .o%e (+ ,i$h a

lon# li$ of !ifferen$ $'+e of +aren$al lo-e/ alon# ,i$h (##e$ion

a*o($ ,hi.h are *e$$er0 Thi *oo& loo& a$ one (.h !i$in.$ion)

na%el'/ *e$,een lo-in# &i! for %hat they do an! lo-in# $he% for %ho

they are. The fir$ or$ of lo-e i .on!i$ional/ ,hi.h %ean .hil!ren

8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

%($ earn i$ *' a.$in# in ,a' ,e !ee% a++ro+ria$e/ or *' +erfor%6

in# (+ $o o(r $an!ar!0 The e.on! or$ of lo-e i un.on!i$ional7 I$



!oen1$ hin#e on ho, $he' a.$/ ,he$her $he'1re (..ef(l or ,ell

*eha-e! or an'$hin# ele0

I ,an$ $o !efen! $he i!ea of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# on $he *ai of

*o$h a -al(e ;(!#%en$ an! a +re!i.$ion0 The -al(e ;(!#%en$ i/ -er'

i%+l'/ $ha$ .hil!ren ho(l!n1$ ha-e $o earn o(r a++ro-al0 We o(#h$ $o

lo-e $he%/ a %' frien! De*orah a'/ "for no #oo! reaon05 F(r6

$her%ore/ ,ha$ .o(n$ i no$ ;($ $ha$ ,e *elie-e ,e lo-e $he% (n.on6

!i$ionall'/ *($ $ha$ they )eel lo-e! in $ha$ ,a'0

The +re!i.$ion/ %ean,hile/ i $ha$ lo-in# .hil!ren (n.on!i$ionall'

,ill ha-e a +oi$i-e effe.$0 I$1 no$ onl' $he ri#h$ $hin# $o !o/ %orall'

+ea&in#/ *($ alo a %ar$ $hin# $o !o0 8hil!ren nee! $o *e lo-e! a

$he' are/ an! for ,ho $he' are0 When $ha$ ha++en/ $he' .an a..e+$

$he%el-e a f(n!a%en$all' #oo! +eo+le/ e-en ,hen $he' .re, (+

or fall hor$0 An! ,i$h $hi *ai. nee! %e$/ $he'1re alo freer $o a..e+$

9an! hel+: o$her +eo+le0 Un.on!i$ional lo-e/ in hor$/ i ,ha$ .hil!ren

re3(ire in or!er $o flo(rih0

Ne-er$hele/ ,e +aren$ are of$en +(lle! in $he !ire.$ion of +la.6

in# .on!i$ion on o(r a++ro-al0 We1re le! $o !o o no$ onl' *' ,ha$ ,e

,ere raie! $o *elie-e/ *($ alo *' $he ,a' ,e ,ere raie!0 Yo( %i#h$a' ,e1re .on!i$ione! $o *e .on!i$ional0 The roo$ of $hi en6i*ili$'

ha-e .re+$ !ee+ in$o $he oil of A%eri.an .on.io(ne0 In fa.$/

un.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e ee% $o *e rare e-en a an i!eal7 An In$er6

ne$ ear.h for -arian$ of $he ,or! unconditional %o$l' $(rn (+ !i6

.(ion a*o($ reli#ion or +e$0 A++aren$l'/ i$1 har! for %an' +eo+le

$o i%a#ine lo-e a%on# h(%an ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he!0

For a .hil!/ o%e of $hoe $rin# ha-e $o !o ,i$h good behavior an! o%e ha-e $o !o ,i$h achieveent. Thi .ha+$er an! $he follo,6

in# $hree ,ill e2+lore $he *eha-ioral i(e/ an! in +ar$i.(lar $he ,a'

%an' +o+(lar !i.i+line $ra$e#ie .a(e .hil!ren $o feel $he'1re

a..e+$e! onl' ,hen $he' a.$ $he ,a' ,e !e%an!0 8ha+$er ,ill $hen

.oni!er ho, o%e .hil!ren .on.l(!e $ha$ $heir +aren$1 lo-e !e+en!

on $heir +erfor%an.e)for e2a%+le/ a$ .hool or in +or$0



C U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

In $he e.on! half of $he *oo&/ I1ll offer .on.re$e (##e$ion for

ho, ,e .an %o-e *e'on! $hi a++roa.h an! offer o%e$hin#

.loer $o $he &in! of lo-e o(r &i! nee!0 B($ fir$/ I1! li&e $o e2a%ine

$he *roa!er i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in#7 ,ha$ a(%+$ion(n!erlie i$ 9an! !i6$in#(ih i$ fro% $he (n.on!i$ional &in!:/ an!

,ha$ effe.$ i$ a.$(all' ha on .hil!ren0

T%o Ways to aise ids+ Underlying !ssuptions

M' !a(#h$er/ A*i#ail/ ,en$ $hro(#h a $o(#h $i%e a fe, %on$h af$er

her fo(r$h *ir$h!a'/ ,hi.h %a' ha-e *een rela$e! $o $he arri-al of a

ri-al0 She *e.a%e %ore rei$an$ $o re3(e$/ %ore li&el' $o o(n!

na$'/ .rea%/ $a%+ her fee$0 Or!inar' ri$(al an! $rani$ion 3(i.&l'

e.ala$e! in$o a *a$$le of ,ill0 One e-enin#/ I re%e%*er/ he

+ro%ie! $o #e$ ri#h$ in$o $he *a$h af$er !inner0 She faile! $o !o o)

an! $hen/ ,hen re%in!e! of $ha$ +ro%ie/ he hrie&e! lo(!l' eno(#h

$o ,a&e her *a*' *ro$her0 When a&e! $o *e 3(ie$er/ he 'elle! a#ain0

So here1 $he 3(e$ion7 On.e $hin# .al%e! !o,n/ ho(l! %' ,ife

an! I ha-e +ro.ee!e! ,i$h $he nor%al e-enin# ro($ine of n(##lin#

,i$h her an! rea!in# a $or' $o#e$her@ The .on!i$ional a++roa.h $o

+aren$in# a' no7 We ,o(l! *e re,ar!in# her (na..e+$a*le *eha-6

ior if ,e follo,e! i$ ,i$h $he ((al +leaan$ a.$i-i$ie0 Thoe a.$i-i6$ie

ho(l! *e (+en!e!/ an! he ho(l! *e infor%e!/ #en$l' *($ fir%l'/

,h' $ha$ ".one3(en.e5 ,a *ein# i%+oe!0

Thi .o(re of a.$ion feel rea(rin#l' fa%iliar $o %o$ of (

an! .oni$en$ ,i$h ,ha$ a lo$ of +aren$in# *oo& a!-ie0 Wha$1

%ore/ I ha-e $o a!%i$ $ha$ i$ ,o(l! ha-e *een a$if'in# on o%e

le-el for %e $o la' !o,n $he la, *e.a(e I ,a erio(l' anno'e!

*' A*i#ail1 !efi6an.e0 I$ ,o(l! ha-e offere! %e $he ene $ha$ I/

$he +aren$/ ,a +($6$in# %' foo$ !o,n/ le$$in# her &no, he ,an1$allo,e! $o a.$ li&e $ha$0 I1! *e *a.& in .on$rol0

The (n.on!i$ional a++roa.h/ ho,e-er/ a' $hi i a $e%+$a$ion $o

*e rei$e!/ an! $ha$ ,e ho(l! in!ee! n(##le an! rea! a $or' a




((al0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e o(#h$ $o ;($ i#nore ,ha$

ha++ene!0 Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# in1$ a fan.' $er% for le$$in#

&i! !o ,ha$6e-er $he' ,an$0 I$1 -er' i%+or$an$ 9on.e $he $or%

ha +ae!: $o $ea.h/ $o refle.$ $o#e$her),hi.h i e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e

!i! ,i$h o(r !a(#h$er af$er ,e rea! her a $or'0 Wha$e-er leon,e ho+e! $o i%+ar$ ,a far %ore li&el' $o *e learne! if he &ne,

$ha$ o(r lo-e for her ,a (n!i%%e! *' ho, he ha! a.$e!0

Whe$her ,e1-e $ho(#h$ a*o($ $he% or no$/ ea.h of $hee $,o $'le

of +aren$in# re$ on a !i$in.$i-e e$ of *elief a*o($ +'.holo#'/

a*o($ .hil!ren/ e-en a*o($ h(%an na$(re0 To *e#in ,i$h/ $he .on!i6

$ional a++roa.h i .loel' rela$e! $o a .hool of $ho(#h$ &no,n a

*eha-iori%/ ,hi.h i .o%%onl' ao.ia$e! ,i$h $he la$e B0 F0 S&in6

ner0 I$ %o$ $ri&in# .hara.$eri$i./ a $he na%e (##e$/ i i$ e2.l(6

i-e fo.( on *eha-ior0 All $ha$ %a$$er a*o($ +eo+le/ in $hi -ie,/ i

,ha$ 'o( .an ee an! %ea(re0 Yo( .an1$ ee a !eire or a fear/ o

'o( %i#h$ a ,ell ;($ .on.en$ra$e on ,ha$ +eo+le do.

F(r$her%ore/ all *eha-ior are *elie-e! $o $ar$ an! $o+/ ,a2 an!

,ane/ olel' on $he *ai of ,he$her $he' are "reinfor.e!05 Beha-ior6i$

a(%e $ha$ e-er'$hin# ,e !o .an *e e2+laine! in $er% of ,he$her i$

+ro!(.e o%e &in! of re,ar!/ ei$her one $ha$1 !eli*era$el' offere! or

one $ha$ o..(r na$(rall'0 If a .hil! i affe.$iona$e ,i$h hi +aren$/ or

hare hi !eer$ ,i$h a frien!/ i$1 ai! $o *e +(rel' *e.a(e $hi ha le!

$o +lea(ra*le re+one in $he +a$0

In hor$7 E2$ernal for.e/ (.h a ,ha$ o%eone ha +re-io(l'

*een re,ar!e! 9or +(nihe!: for !oin#/ a..o(n$ for ho, ,e a.$)

an! ho, ,e a.$ i $he (% $o$al of ,ho ,e are0 E-en +eo+le ,ho

ha-e ne-er rea! an' of S&inner1 *oo& ee% $o ha-e a..e+$e!

hi a(%+6$ion0 When +aren$ an! $ea.her .on$an$l' $al&

a*o($ a .hil!1 "*eha-ior/5 $he'1re a.$in# a $ho(#h no$hin# %a$$er

e2.e+$ $he $(ff on $he (rfa.e0 I$1 no$ a 3(e$ion of ,ho &i! are/

,ha$ $he' $hin& or feel or nee!0 For#e$ %o$i-e an! -al(e7 The

i!ea i ;($ $o .han#e ,ha$ $he' !o0 Thi/ of .o(re/ i an in-i$a$ion$o rel' on !i.i+line $e.hni3(e ,hoe onl' +(r+oe i $o %a&e &i!

a.$)or $o+ a.$in#)in a +ar$i.6(lar ,a'0



U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

A %ore +e.ifi. e2a%+le of e-er'!a' *eha-iori%7 Perha+

'o(1-e %e$ +aren$ ,ho for.e $heir .hil!ren $o a+olo#ie af$er

!oin# o%e6$hin# h(r$f(l or %ean0 9"8an 'o( a' 'o(1re orr'@5:

No,/ ,ha$1 #oin# on here@ Do $he +aren$ a(%e $ha$ %a&in#.hil!ren +ea& $hi en$en.e ,ill %a#i.all' +ro!(.e in $he% $he

feelin# of being orr'/ !e+i$e all e-i!en.e $o $he .on$rar'@ Or/

,ore/ !o $he' no$ e-en .are ,he$her $he .hil! reall' i orr'/

*e.a(e in.eri$' i irrele-an$ an! all $ha$ %a$$er i $he a.$ of

($$erin# $he a++ro+ria$e ,or!@ 8o%+(lor' a+olo#ie %o$l' $rain

.hil!ren $o a' $hin# $he' !on1$ %ean)$ha$ i/ $o lie0

B($ $hi i no$ ;($ an iola$e! +aren$al +ra.$i.e $ha$ o(#h$ $o *e

re.oni!ere!0 I$1 one of %an' +oi*le e2a%+le of ho, S&innerian

$hin&in#).arin# onl' a*o($ *eha-ior)ha narro,e! o(r (n!er6

$an!in# of .hil!ren an! ,ar+e! $he ,a' ,e !eal ,i$h $he%0 We ee i$

alo in +ro#ra% $ha$ are in$en!e! $o $rain li$$le &i! $o #o $o lee+ on

$heir o,n or $o $ar$ (in# $he +o$$'0 Fro% $he +er+e.$i-e of $hee

+ro#ra%/ %hy a .hil! %a' *e o**in# in $he !ar& i irrele-an$0 I$

.o(l! *e $error or *ore!o% or loneline or h(n#er or o%e o$her rea6

on0 Si%ilarl'/ i$ !oen1$ %a$$er ,ha$ reaon a $o!!ler %a' ha-e for

no$ ,an$in# $o +ee in $he $oile$ ,hen hi +aren$ a& hi% $o !o o0

E2+er$ ,ho offer $e+6*'6$e+ re.i+e for "$ea.hin#5 .hil!ren $o lee+

in a roo% *' $he%el-e/ or ,ho (r#e ( $o offer #ol! $ar/ MM/ or

+raie for $in&lin# in $he $oile$/ are .on.erne! no$ ,i$h $he $ho(#h$ an!

feelin# an! in$en$ion $ha$ #i-e rie $o a *eha-ior/ onl' ,i$h $he

*eha-ior i$elf0 9While I ha-en1$ !one $he a.$(al .o(n$in# $ha$ ,o(l! *e

ne.ear' $o $e$ $hi/ I ,o(l! $en$a$i-el' +ro+oe $he follo,in# r(le of

$h(%*7 The -al(e of a +aren$in# *oo& i in-erel' +ro+or$ional $o $he

n(%*er of $i%e i$ .on$ain $he ,or! behavior 0:

Le$1 .o%e *a.& $o A*i#ail0 8on!i$ional +aren$in# a(%e $ha$

rea!in# her a *oo& an! o$her,ie e2+rein# o(r .on$in(e! lo-e

for her ,ill onl' en.o(ra#e her $o $hro, ano$her fi$0 She ,ill ha-elearne! $ha$ i$1 o&a' $o ,a&e $he *a*' an! ref(e $o #e$ in $he *a$h

*e.a(e he ,ill in$er+re$ o(r affe.$ion a reinfor.e%en$ for

,ha$e-er he ha! ;($ *een !oin#0




Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# loo& a$ $hi i$(a$ion)an!/ in!ee!/ a$

h(%an *ein#)-er' !ifferen$l'0 For $ar$er/ i$ a& ( $o .oni!er

$ha$ $he reaon for ,ha$ A*i#ail ha !one %a' *e %ore "ini!e5 $han

"o($i!e05 Her a.$ion .an1$ ne.earil' *e e2+laine!/ in %e.hani.al

fahion/ *' loo&in# a$ e2$ernal for.e li&e +oi$i-e re+one $o her +re-io( *eha-ior0 Perha+ he i o-er,hel%e! *' fear $ha$ he

.an1$ na%e/ or *' fr($ra$ion $ha$ he !oen1$ &no, ho, $o e2+re0

Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# a(%e $ha$ *eha-ior are ;($ $he o($6

,ar! e2+reion of feelin# an! $ho(#h$/ nee! an! in$en$ion0 In a

n($hell/ it0s the child %ho engages in a behavior, not ;ust the behav-

ior itsel), that atters. 8hil!ren are no$ +e$ $o *e $raine!/ nor are $he'

.o%+($er/ +ro#ra%%e! $o re+on! +re!i.$a*l' $o an in+($0 The' a.$

$hi ,a' ra$her $han $ha$ ,a' for %an' !ifferen$ reaon/ o%e of

,hi.h %a' *e har! $o $eae a+ar$0 B($ ,e .an1$ ;($ i#nore $hoe rea6

on an! re+on! onl' $o $he effe.$ 9$ha$ i/ $he *eha-ior:0 In!ee!/

ea.h of $hoe reaon +ro*a*l' .all for a .o%+le$el' !ifferen$ .o(re

of a.$ion0 If/ for e2a%+le/ i$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ A*i#ail ,a reall' *ein#

!efian$ *e.a(e he1 ,orrie! a*o($ $he i%+li.a$ion of o(r +a'in# o

%(.h a$$en$ion $o her *a*' *ro$her/ $hen ,e1re #oin# $o ha-e !eal ,i$h

$ha$/ no$ %erel' $r' $o $a%+ o($ $he ,a' he1 e2+rein# her fear0

Alon#i!e o(r effor$ $o (n!er$an! an! a!!re +e.ifi.

reaon for +e.ifi. a.$ion/ $here i one o-erri!in# i%+era$i-e7

She nee! $o &no, ,e lo-e her/ .o%e ,ha$ %a'0 In fa.$/ i$1

especially i%+or$an$ $oni#h$ for her $o *e a*le $o n(##le ,i$h (/ $o

ee fro% o(r a.$ion $ha$ o(r lo-e for her i (nha&a*le0 Tha$1

,ha$ ,ill hel+ her #e$ $hro(#h $hi *a! +a$.h0

In an' .ae/ i%+oin# ,ha$ a%o(n$ $o a +(nih%en$ in1$ li&el' $o

*e .on$r(.$i-e0 I$ +ro*a*l' ,ill $ar$ her .r'in# all o-er a#ain0 An!

e-en if i$ !i! (..ee! in h($$in# her (+ $e%+oraril')or in +re-en$in#

her fro% e2+rein# ,ha$e-er he1 feelin# $o%orro, ni#h$ for fear of

%a&in# ( +(ll a,a' fro% her)i$ o-erall i%+a.$ i (nli&el' $o *e

+oi$i-e0 Thi i $r(e/ fir$/ *e.a(e i$ !oen1$ a!!re ,ha$1 #oin# onin her hea!/ an!/ e.on!/ *e.a(e ,ha$ ,e ee a $ea.hin# her a le6

on ,ill li&el' a++ear $o her a $ho(#h ,e1re ,i$hhol!in# o(r lo-e0




In a #eneral ene/ $hi ,ill %a&e her %ore (nha++'/ +erha+

.a(e her $o feel alone an! (n(++or$e!0 In a +e.ifi. ene/ i$ ,ill

$ea.h her $ha$ he i lo-e!)an! lo-a*le)onl' ,hen he a.$ $he

,a' ,e ,an$0 The a-aila*le reear.h/ ,hi.h I1ll re-ie, hor$l'/$ron#l' (##e$ $ha$ $hi ,ill ;($ %a&e $hin# ,ore0

A I1-e $ho(#h$ a*o($ $hee i(e o-er $he 'ear/ I1-e .o%e $o

*elie-e $ha$ .on!i$ional +aren$in# .an1$ *e .o%+le$el' e2+laine! *'

*eha-ior6i%0 So%e$hin# ele i #oin# on here0 On.e a#ain/ i%a#ine

$he i$(a6$ion7 A .hil! i 'ellin#/ o*-io(l' (+e$/ an! ,hen he 3(ie$

!o,n her !a!!' lie in *e! ,i$h hi ar% aro(n! her an! rea! her a

4rog and Toad $or'0 In re+one/ $he +ro+onen$ of .on!i$ional

+aren$in# e2.lai%/ "No/ no/ no/ 'o(1re ;($ reinfor.in# her *a!

*eha-ior4 Yo(1re $ea.hin# her $ha$ i$1 all ri#h$ $o *e na(#h$'45

Thi in$er+re$a$ion !oen1$ %erel' refle.$ an a(%+$ion a*o($

,ha$ &i! learn in a #i-en i$(a$ion/ or e-en ho% $he' learn0 I$

refle.$ an a,f(ll' o(r -ie, of .hil!ren)an!/ *' e2$enion/ of

h(%an na$(re0 I$ a(%e $ha$/ #i-en half a .han.e/ &i! ,ill $a&e

a!-an$a#e of (0 Gi-e 1e% an in.h/ $he'1ll $a&e a %ile0 The' ,ill

!ra, $he ,or$ +oi6*le leon fro% an a%*i#(o( i$(a$ion 9no$

"I1% lo-e! an',a'5 *($ "Ya'4 I$1 o&a' $o %a&e $ro(*le45:0

A..e+$an.e ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he! ,ill ;($ *e in$er+re$e! a

+er%iion $o a.$ in a ,a' $ha$1 elfih/ !e%an!in#/ #ree!'/ or

in.oni!era$e0 A$ lea$ in +ar$/ $hen/ .on6!i$ional +aren$in# i *ae!

on $he !ee+l' .'ni.al *elief $ha$ a..e+$in# &i! for ,ho $he' are

;($ free $he% $o *e *a! *e.a(e/ ,ell/ $ha$1 ,ho $he' are0

B' .on$ra$/ $he (n.on!i$ional a++roa.h $o +aren$in# *e#in ,i$h $he

re%in!er $ha$ A*i#ail1 #oal i no$ $o %a&e %e %iera*le0 She1 no$ *ein#

%ali.io(0 She1 $ellin# %e in $he onl' ,a' he &no, ho, $ha$ o%e$hin#

i ,ron#0 I$ %a' *e o%e$hin# $ha$ ;($ ha++ene!/ or i$ %a' re-eal

(n!er.(rren$ $ha$ ha-e *een $here for a ,hile0 Thi a++roa.h offer a

-o$e of .onfi!en.e in .hil!ren/ a .hallen#e $o $he a(%+$ion $ha$ $he'1ll

!eri-e $he ,ron# leon fro% affe.$ion/ or $ha$ $he'1!




al,a' %ant $o a.$ *a!l' if $he' $ho(#h$ $he' .o(l! #e$ a,a' ,i$h i$0

S(.h a +er+e.$i-e i no$ ro%an$i. or (nreali$i./ a !enial of $he fa.$

$ha$ &i! 9an! a!(l$: o%e$i%e !o ro$$en $hin#0 Ki! nee! $o *e

#(i!e! an! hel+e!/ 'e/ *($ $he'1re no$ li$$le %on$er ,ho %($ *e

$a%e! or *ro(#h$ $o heel0 The' ha-e $he .a+a.i$' $o *e .o%+aion6a$e or a##rei-e/ al$r(i$i. or elfih/ .oo+era$i-e or .o%+e$i$i-e0 A

#rea$ !eal !e+en! on ho, $he'1re raie!)in.l(!in#/ a%on# o$her

$hin#/ ,he$her $he' feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall'0 An! ,hen 'o(n# .hil6

!ren +i$.h a fi$/ or ref(e $o #e$ in $he $(* a $he' ai! $he' ,o(l!/ $hi

.an of$en *e (n!er$oo! in $er% of $heir a#e)$ha$ i/ $heir ina*ili$' $o

(n!er$an! $he o(r.e of $heir (neae/ $o e2+re $heir feelin# in

%ore a++ro+ria$e ,a'/ $o re%e%*er an! &ee+ $heir +ro%ie0 In

i%+or$an$ ,a'/ $hen/ $he .hoi.e *e$,een .on!i$ional an! (n.on!i6

$ional +aren$in# i a .hoi.e *e$,een ra!i.all' !ifferen$ -ie, of h(%an

na$(re0

B($ $here1 one %ore e$ of a(%+$ion $ha$ ,e ho(l! la' *are0 In

o(r o.ie$'/ ,e are $a(#h$ $ha$ #oo! $hin# %($ al,a' *e earne!/ ne-er

#i-en a,a'0 In!ee!/ %an' +eo+le *e.o%e inf(ria$e! a$ $he +o6i*ili$'

$ha$ $hi +re.e+$ ha *een -iola$e!0 No$i.e/ for e2a%+le/ $he ho$ili$' %an'

+eo+le feel $o,ar! ,elfare an! $hoe ,ho rel' on i$0 Or $he ra%+an$ (e

of +a'6for6+erfor%an.e .he%e in $he ,or&+la.e0 Or $he n(%*er of

$ea.her ,ho !efine an'$hin# en;o'a*le 9li&e re.e: a a $rea$/ a &in! of

+a'%en$ for li-in# (+ $o $he $ea.her1 e2+e.$a$ion0

Ul$i%a$el'/ .on!i$ional +aren$in# refle.$ a $en!en.' $o ee al%o$

e-er' h(%an in$era.$ion/ e-en a%on# fa%il' %e%*er/ a a &in! of e.o6

no%i. transa.$ion0 The la, of $he %ar&e$+la.e)(++l' an! !e%an!/ $i$

for $a$)ha-e a(%e! $he $a$( of (ni-eral an! a*ol($e +rin.i6+le/ a

$ho(#h e-er'$hin# in o(r li-e/ in.l(!in# ,ha$ ,e !o ,i$h o(r .hil!ren/ i

analo#o( $o *('in# a .ar or ren$in# an a+ar$%en$0

One +aren$in# a($hor)a *eha-iori$/ no$ .oin.i!en$all')+($ i$ $hi

,a'7 "If I ,ih $o $a&e %' .hil! for a ri!e or e-en if I ,ih $o h(# an! &i

her/ I %($ fir$ *e .er$ain $ha$ he ha earne! i$05C

Before 'o( !i%i $hia $he -ie, of a lone e2$re%i$/ .oni!er $ha$ $he e%inen$ +'.holo#i$

Diana Ba(%rin! 9ee ++0 Q: %a!e a i%ilar ar#(%en$



J U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

a#ain$ (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#/ !e.larin# $ha$ "$he r(le of re.i+ro.6i$'/

of +a'in# for -al(e re.ei-e!/ i a la, of life $ha$ a++lie $o ( all05

E-en %an' ,ri$er an! $hera+i$ ,ho !on1$ a!!re $he i(e

e2+li.i$l' ne-er$hele ee% $o rel' on o%e or$ of e.ono%i. %o!el0If ,e rea! *e$,een $he line/ $heir a!-i.e a++ear $o *e *ae! on $he

*elief $ha$ ,hen .hil!ren !on1$ a.$ $he ,a' ,e ,an$/ $he $hin# $he'

li&e o(#h$ $o *e ,i$hhel! fro% $he%0 Af$er all/ +eo+le ho(l!n1$ #e$

o%e$hin# for no$hin#0 No$ e-en ha++ine0 Or lo-e0

Ho, %an' $i%e ha-e 'o( hear! i$ ai!)e%+ha$i.all'/ !efian$l'

) $ha$ o%e$hin# or o$her i "a +ri-ile#e/ no$ a ri#h$5@ So%e$i%e I

fan6$aie a*o($ .on!(.$in# a reear.h $(!' $o !e$er%ine ,ha$

+eronali$' .hara.$eri$i. are #enerall' fo(n! in +eo+le ,ho $a&e

$hi $an.e0 I%a#ine o%eone ,ho ini$ $ha$ e-er'$hin# fro% i.e

.rea% $o a$$en6$ion ho(l! *e %a!e .on!i$ional on ho, .hil!ren

a.$/ $ha$ $hee $hin# ho(l! ne-er i%+l' *e #i-en a,a'0 8an 'o(

+i.$(re $hi +eron@ Wha$ fa.ial e2+reion !o 'o( ee@ Ho,

ha++' i $hi +eron@ Doe he or he reall' en;o' *ein# ,i$h

.hil!ren@ Wo(l! 'o( ,an$ $hi +eron a a frien!@

Alo/ ,hen I hear $he "+ri-ile#e/ no$ a ri#h$5 line/ I al,a' fin!

%'elf ,on!erin# ,ha$ $he +ea&er %ould re#ar! a a ri#h$0 I $here

an'$hin# $o ,hi.h h(%an *ein# are i%+l' en$i$le!@ Are $here no

rela6$ionhi+ ,e ,o(l! ,an$ $o e2e%+$ fro% e.ono%i. la,@ I$1 $r(e

$ha$ a!(l$ e2+e.$ $o *e .o%+ena$e! for $heir ,or&/ ;($ a $he'

e2+e.$ $o +a' for foo! an! o$her $hin#0 B($ $he 3(e$ion i ,he$her/ or

(n!er ,ha$ .ir.(%$an.e/ a i%ilar "r(le of re.i+ro.i$'5 a++lie $o o(r

!eal6in# ,i$h frien! an! fa%il'0 So.ial +'.holo#i$ ha-e no$i.e!

$ha$ $here are in!ee! o%e +eo+le ,i$h ,ho% ,e ha-e ,ha$ %i#h$ *e

.alle! an e2.han#e rela$ionhi+7 I !o o%e$hin# for 'o( onl' if 'o( !o

o%e6$hin# for %e 9or #i-e o%e$hin# $o %e:0 B($ $he' 3(i.&l' a!! $ha$

$hi i no$ $r(e/ nor ,o(l! ,e ,an$ i$ $o *e $r(e/ of all o(r rela$ionhi+/

o%e of ,hi.h are *ae! on .arin# ra$her $han on re.i+ro.i$'0 In fa.$/one $(!' fo(n! $ha$ +eo+le ,ho ee $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir

+o(e in $er% of e2.han#e/ $a&in# .are $o #e$ a %(.h a $he'

#i-e/ $en! $o ha-e %arria#e $ha$ are le a$if'in#0




When o(r &i! #ro, (+/ $here ,ill *e +len$' of o..aion for

$he% $o $a&e $heir +la.e a e.ono%i. a.$or/ a .on(%er an!

,or&er/ ,here elf6in$ere$ r(le an! $he $er% of ea.h e2.han#e

.an *e +re6.iel' .al.(la$e!0 B($ (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# ini$$ha$ $he fa%il' o(#h$ $o *e a ha-en/ a ref(#e/ fro% (.h

$rana.$ion0 In +ar$i.(lar/ lo-e fro% one1 +aren$ !oe no$ ha-e $o

*e +ai! for in an' ene0 I$ i +(rel' an! i%+l' a #if$0 I$ i

o%e$hin# $o ,hi.h all .hil!ren are en$i$le!0

If $ha$ %a&e ene $o 'o(/ an! if an' of $he o$her (n!erl'in#

a(%+$ion of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# rin# $r(e a ,ell)$ha$ ,e

o(#h$ $o *e loo&in# a$ $he ,hole .hil!/ no$ ;($ a$ *eha-ior $ha$,e ho(l!n1$ a(%e $he ,or$ a*o($ .hil!ren1 in.lina$ion an! o

on) $hen ,e nee! $o .all in$o 3(e$ion all $he .on-en$ional

!i.i+line $e.h6ni3(e $ha$ are *ae! on $he o++oi$e of $hee

a(%+$ion0 Thoe +ra.$i.e $ha$ !efine .on!i$ional +aren$in#

$en! $o *e ,a' of !oin# $hin# to .hil!ren $o +ro!(.e o*e!ien.e0

B' .on$ra$/ $he (##e$ion offere! in $he la$$er half of $hi *oo&/

,hi.h flo, na$(rall' fro% $he i!ea of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#/ are-aria$ion on $he $he%e of ,or&6in# %ith .hil!ren $o hel+ $he% #ro,

in$o !e.en$ +eo+le an! #oo! !e.iion6%a&er0

Th(/ ,e %i#h$ (%%arie $he !ifferen.e *e$,een $hee $,o

a++roa.he a follo,7

UN8ONDITIONAL 8ONDITIONAL

Focus Whole .hil! 9in.l(!in# Beha-ior reaon/ $ho(#h$/ feelin#:

View of

Human Nature Poi$i-e or *alan.e! Ne#a$i-e

View of

Parental Love A #if$ A +ri-ile#e $o *e earne!

Strategies "Wor&in# ,i$h5 "Doin# $o59Pro*le% ol-in#: 98on$rol -ia re,ar! an!

+(nih%en$:




The E))ects o) Conditional Parenting

<($ a i$1 +oi*le for o(r +ra.$i.e $o *e a$ o!! ,i$h $he lon#6$er% #oal

,e hol! for o(r .hil!ren 9ee In$ro!(.$ion:/ o $here %i#h$ *e an in.on6i$en.' *e$,een $he %e$ho! ao.ia$e! ,i$h .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! o(r

%o$ *ai. *elief0 In *o$h in$an.e/ i$ %a' %a&e ene $o re.oni!er ,ha$

,e1re !oin# ,i$h o(r &i!0 B($ $he .ae a#ain$ .on!i$ional +aren$6in# !oen1$

en! ,i$h i$ .onne.$ion $o -al(e an! a(%+$ion $ha$ %an' of ( ,ill fin!

$ro(*lin#0 Tha$ .ae *e.o%e e-en $ron#er on.e ,e in-e6$i#a$e $he real6

,orl! effe.$ (.h +aren$in# ha on .hil!ren0

Nearl' half a .en$(r' a#o/ $he +ioneerin# +'.holo#i$ 8arl Ro#er

offere! an an,er $o $he 3(e$ion "Wha$ ha++en ,hen a +aren$1

lo-e !e+en! on ,ha$ .hil!ren !o@5 He e2+laine! $ha$ $hoe on $he

re.ei-6in# en! of (.h lo-e .o%e $o !io,n $he +ar$ of $he%el-e

$ha$ aren1$ -al(e!0 E-en$(all' $he' re#ar! $he%el-e a ,or$h' onl'

,hen $he' a.$ 9or $hin& or feel: in +e.ifi. ,a'0 Thi i *ai.all' a

re.i+e for ne(6roi)or ,ore0 A +(*li.a$ion *' $he Irih De+ar$%en$

of Heal$h an! 8hil!ren 9,hi.h ha *een .ir.(la$e! an! a!o+$e! *'

o$her or#ania6$ion all o-er $he ,orl!: offer $en e2a%+le $o ill($ra$e

$he .on.e+$ of "e%o$ional a*(e05 N(%*er $,o on $he li$/ ri#h$ af$er

"+eri$en$ .ri$i.i%/ ar.a%/ ho$ili$'/ or *la%in#/5 i ".on!i$ional

+aren$in#/ in ,hi.h $he le-el of .are ho,n $o a .hil! i %a!e

.on$in#en$ on hi or her *eha-io(r or a.$ion05

Mo$ +aren$/ if a&e!/ ,o(l! ini$ $ha$ of course $he' lo-e $heir

.hil!ren (n.on!i$ionall'/ an! $ha$ $hi i $r(e !e+i$e $heir (e of $he

$ra$e#ie $ha$ I 9an! o$her ,ri$er: ha-e i!en$ifie! a +ro*le%a$i.0

So%e +aren$ %i#h$ e-en a' $ha$ $he' !i.i+line $heir .hil!ren in $hi

,a' because $he' lo-e $he%0 B($ I ,an$ $o re$(rn $o an o*er-a$ion

$ha$ o far I1-e %a!e onl' in +ain#0 $o% %e )eel about our kids isn0t

as iportant as ho% they experience those )eelings and ho% they

regard the %ay %e treat the. E!(.a$or re%in! ( $ha$ ,ha$ .o(n$in a .laroo% i no$ ,ha$ $he $ea.her $ea.he i$1 ,ha$ $he learner

learn0 An! o i$ i in fa%ilie0 Wha$ %a$$er i $he %ea#e o(r &i!

re.ei-e/ no$ $he one ,e $hin& ,e1re en!in#0




Reear.her $r'in# $o $(!' $he effe.$ of !ifferen$ $'le of

!i.i6+line ha-e no$ ha! an ea' $i%e $r'in# $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o

i!en$if' an! %ea(re ,ha$ a.$(all' #oe on in +eo+le1 ho%e0 I$1

no$ al,a' +oi*le $o o*er-e $he rele-an$ in$era.$ion fir$han!

9or e-en $o -i!eo$a+e $he%:/ o o%e e2+eri%en$ ha-e *een!one in la*ora$orie/ ,here a +aren$ an! a .hil! are a&e! $o !o

o%e$hin# $o#e$her0 So%e6$i%e +aren$ are in$er-ie,e!/ or a&e!

$o fill o($ a 3(e$ionnaire/ a*o($ $heir ((al +aren$in# $'le0 If $he

.hil!ren are ol! eno(#h/ they %a' *e a&e! ,ha$ $heir +aren$ !o

)or/ if $he'1re #ro,n/ ,ha$ $heir +aren$ (e! $o !o0

Ea.h of $hee $e.hni3(e ha i$ !ra,*a.&/ an! $he .hoi.e of

%e$ho! .an affe.$ a $(!'1 re(l$0 When +aren$ an! .hil!ren are

a&e! e+ara$el' $o !e.ri*e ,ha$1 #oin# on/ for e2a%+le/ $he'

%a' offer -er' !ifferen$ a..o(n$0 In$ere$in#l'/ ,hen $here i

o%e o*;e.6$i-e ,a' $o #e$ a$ $he $r($h/ .hil!ren1 +er.e+$ion of

$heir +aren$1 *eha-ior +ro-e $o *e e-er' *i$ a a..(ra$e a $he

+aren$1 re+or$ of $heir o,n *eha-ior0J

B($ $he i%+or$an$ 3(e$ion i no$ ,ho1 ri#h$/ ,hi.h/ ,here feel6in#

are .on.erne!/ i ((all' (nan,era*le0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ %a$$er i ,hoe

+er+e.$i-e i ao.ia$e! ,i$h -ario( .one3(en.e $o $he .hil6!ren0

8oni!er one $(!' $ha$ in-e$i#a$e! a -erion of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0

Ki! ,hoe +aren$ ai! $he' (e! $hi a++roa.h ,eren1$ in an' ,ore

ha+e $han &i! ,hoe +aren$ ai! $he' !i!n1$0 B($ ,hen $he reear.her

e+ara$e! $he &i! on $he *ai of ,he$her they fel$ $heir +aren$ (e! $hi

$e.hni3(e/ $he !ifferen.e ,a $ri&in#0 On a-era#e/ .hil!ren ,ho ai! $he'

e2+erien.e! .on!i$ional affe.$ion fro% $heir +aren$ ,eren1$ !oin# a ,ell

a .hil!ren ,ho !i!n1$ re+or$ re.ei-in# .on!i$ional affe.$ion0 The !e$ail

of $hi $(!' ,ill *e !i.(e! la$er %' +oin$ here i i%+l' $ha$ ,ha$ ,e

$hin& ,e1re !oin# 9or ,o(l! ,ear ,e1re no$ !oin#: !oen1$ %a$$er a

%(.h/ in $er% of $he i%+a.$ on o(r &i!/ a their e2+erien.e of ,ha$

,e1re !oin#0

There ha *een a %all (r#e in reear.h on .on!i$ional +aren$in#o-er $he la$ fe, 'ear/ an! one of $he %o$ re%ar&a*le e2a%+le ,a

;($ +(*lihe! in C0 In $ha$ $(!'/ infor%a$ion ,a .olle.$e! fro%



CC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

%ore $han a h(n!re! .olle#e $(!en$/ ea.h of ,ho% ,a a&e!

,he$her $he lo-e offere! *' hi or her +aren$ $en!e! $o -ar'

!e+en!6in# on an' of fo(r +oi*le .on!i$ion7 ,he$her $he $(!en$

a a .hil! ha! 9: (..ee!e! in .hool/ 9C: +ra.$i.e! har! for +or$/ 9: *een .on6i!era$e $o,ar! o$her/ or 9: (++ree!

ne#a$i-e e%o$ion (.h a fear0 The $(!en$ ,ere alo a&e!

e-eral o$her 3(e$ion/ in.l(!in# ,he$her $he' !i!/ in fa.$/ $en! $o

a.$ in $hoe ,a' 9$ha$ i/ hi!e $heir feelin#/ $(!' har! for $e$/

an! o on: an! ho, $he' #o$ alon# ,i$h $heir +aren$0

I$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ $he (e of .on!i$ional lo-e ee%e! $o *e a$ lea$

o%e,ha$ (..ef(l a$ +ro!(.in# $he !eire! *eha-ior0 8hil!ren ,ho

re.ei-e! a++ro-al fro% $heir +aren$ onl' if $he' a.$e! in a +ar$i.(lar ,a'

,ere a *i$ %ore li&el' $o a.$ $ha$ ,a')e-en in .olle#e0 B($ $he .o$ of $hi

$ra$e#' ,a (*$an$ial0 For $ar$er/ $he $(!en$ ,ho $ho(#h$ $heir

+aren$ lo-e! $he% .on!i$ionall' ,ere %(.h %ore li&el' $o feel re;e.$e!

an!/ a a re(l$/ $o reen$ an! !ili&e $heir +aren$0

Yo( .an eail' i%a#ine $ha$/ ha! $he' *een a&e!/ ea.h of $hoe

+aren$ ,o(l! ha-e !e.lare!/ "I !on1$ &no, ,here %' on #e$ $ha$

i!ea4 I lo-e hi% no %a$$er ,ha$45 Onl' *e.a(e $he reear.her

$ho(#h$ $o in$er-ie, $he 9no, #ro,n: .hil!ren !ire.$l' !i! $he' hear a

-er' !ifferen$)an! -er' !i$(r*in#)$or'0 Man' of $he $(!en$ fel$

$he' ha! .oni$en$l' re.ei-e! le affe.$ion ,hene-er $he' faile! $o

i%+re or o*e' $heir +aren$)an! i$ ,a +re.iel' $hee $(!en$

,hoe rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir +aren$ ,ere li&el' $o *e $raine!0

To !ri-e ho%e $he +oin$/ $he reear.her .on!(.$e! a e.on!

$(!'/ $hi one ,i$h %ore $han a h(n!re! %o$her of #ro,n

.hil!ren0 Wi$h $hi #enera$ion/ $oo/ .on!i$ional lo-e +ro-e!

!a%a#in#0 Thoe %o$h6er ,ho/ a .hil!ren/ ene! $ha$ $he'

,ere lo-e! onl' ,hen $he' li-e! (+ $o $heir +aren$1 e2+e.$a$ion

no, fel$ le ,or$h' a a!(l$0 Re%ar&a*l'/ $ho(#h/ they tended to

use the identical approach once $he' becae parents. The%o$her (e! .on!i$ional affe.$ion ",i$h $heir o,n .hil!ren in +i$e

of $he $ra$e#'=1> ha-in# ha! ne#a$i-e effe.$ on $he%05

Al$ho(#h $hi i $he fir$ $(!' 9a far a I &no,: $o ho, $ha$ .on68 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G



!i$ional +aren$in# $'le .an *e +ae! on $o one1 .hil!ren/ o$her

+'6.holo#i$ ha-e fo(n! i%ilar e-i!en.e a*o($ i$ effe.$0 So%e of

$hee are !i.(e! in $he follo,in# .ha+$er/ ,hi.h !e.ri*e $,o

+e.ifi. ,a' in ,hi.h .on!i$ional +aren$in# i +($ in$o +ra.$i.e0 E-en

in #en6eral $er%/ $ho(#h/ $he re(l$ are fairl' !a%nin#0 For e2a%+le/a #ro(+ of reear.her a$ $he Uni-eri$' of Den-er ha ho,n $ha$

$eena#er ,ho feel $he' ha-e $o f(lfill .er$ain .on!i$ion in or!er $o ,in

$heir +aren$1 a++ro-al %a' en! (+ no$ li&in# $he%el-e0 Tha$/ in $(rn/

%a' lea! a #i-en a!ole.en$ $o .on$r(.$ a "fale elf5)in o$her

,or!/ $o +re$en! $o *e $he &in! of +eron ,ho% hi or her +ar6en$

%ill lo-e0 Thi !e+era$e $ra$e#' $o #ain a..e+$an.e i of$en ao6

.ia$e! ,i$h !e+reion/ a ene of ho+elene/ an! a $en!en.' $o

loe $o(.h ,i$h one1 $r(e elf0 A$ o%e +oin$/ (.h $eena#er %a' no$

e-en &no, ,ho $he' reall' are *e.a(e $he'1-e ha! $o ,or& o har! $o

*e.o%e o%e$hin# $he'1re no$0

O-er %an' 'ear/ reear.her ha-e fo(n! $ha$ "$he %ore .on!i6

$ional $he (++or$ =one re.ei-e>/ $he lo,er one1 +er.e+$ion of o-er6

all ,or$h a a +eron05 When .hil!ren re.ei-e affe.$ion ,i$h $rin#

a$$a.he!/ $he' $en! $o a..e+$ theselves onl' ,i$h $rin# a$$a.he!0

B' .on$ra$/ $hoe ,ho feel $he'1re a..e+$e! (n.on!i$ionall')*' $heir

+aren$ or/ a..or!in# $o o$her reear.h/ e-en *' a $ea.her)are li&el'

$o feel *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e/C e2a.$l' a 8arl Ro#er +re!i.$e!0

An! $ha$ *rin# ( $o $he (l$i%a$e +(r+oe of $hi *oo&/ $he .en6$ral

3(e$ion I in-i$e 'o( $o +on!er0 In $he 3(e$ionnaire $ha$ are (e! $o

$(!' .on!i$ional +aren$in#/ a $eena#er or 'o(n# a!(l$ i $'+i.all'

a&e! $o in!i.a$e "$ron# a#ree%en$/5 "a#ree%en$/5 "ne($ral feel6in#/5

"!ia#ree%en$/5 or "$ron# !ia#ree%en$5 in re+one $o en6$en.e

(.h a "M' %o$her %ain$aine! a ene of lo-in# .onne.$ion ,i$h %e

e-en !(rin# o(r ,or$ .onfli.$5 or "When %' !a! !ia#ree ,i$h %e/ I

&no, $ha$ he $ill lo-e %e05 So/ ho, ,o(l! 'o( li&e your .hil!ren $o

an,er $ha$ or$ of 3(e$ion in fi-e or $en or fif$een 'ear) an! ho,

!o 'o( $hin& $he' ,ill an,er i$@



C

GIVING AND

WITHHOLDING LOVE

When .ien$i$ *e#an $o $(!' !i.i+line in $he an! 1/$he' $en!e! $o .laif' ,ha$ +aren$ ,ere !oin# ,i$h $heir .hil6!ren a*ein# *ae! on ei$her +o,er or lo-e0 Po,er6*ae! !i.i+line

in.l(!e! hi$$in#/ 'ellin#/ an! $hrea$enin#0 Lo-e6*ae! !i.i+line

in.l(!e! ;($ a*o($ e-er'$hin# ele0 A $he reear.h re(l$ .a%e in/ i$3(i.&l' *e.a%e .lear $ha$ +o,er +ro!(.e! +oorer re(l$ $han lo-e0

Unfor$(na$el'/ an a,f(l lo$ of !i-ere $ra$e#ie ,ere *ein#

l(%+e! $o#e$her (n!er $ha$ e.on! hea!in#0 So%e of $he%

.oni$e! of rea6onin# ,i$h .hil!ren an! $ea.hin# $he%/ offerin#

,ar%$h an! (n!er6$an!in#0 B($ o$her $e.hni3(e ,ere a lo$ le

lo-in#0 In fa.$/ o%e of $he% a%o(n$e! $o controlling .hil!ren ,i$h

lo-e/ ei$her *' ,i$hhol!6in# i$ ,hen &i! ,ere *a! or *' ho,erin#$he% ,i$h a$$en$ion an! affe.$ion ,hen $he' ,ere #oo!0 Thee/

$hen/ are $he $,o fa.e of .on6!i$ional +aren$in#7 "lo-e ,i$h!ra,al5

9$he $i.&: an! "+oi$i-e rein6for.e%en$5 9$he .arro$:0 In $hi .ha+$er/

I ,an$ $o e2+lore ,ha$ *o$h of $hee $e.hni3(e loo& li&e in

+ra.$i.e/ $he effe.$ $he' ha-e/ an! $he reaon for $hoe effe.$0

La$er/ I1ll loo& a$ $he i!ea of +(nih%en$ in %ore !e$ail0

G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E

Tie <ut )ro 'ove



Li&e an'$hin# ele/ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al .an *e a++lie! in !ifferen$ ,a'

an! ,i$h -ar'in# le-el of in$eni$'0 A$ one en! of $he .on$in((%/ a

+aren$ %a' +(ll *a.& e-er o li#h$l' in re+one $o o%e$hin# $he

.hil! ha !one/ *e.o%in# .hillier an! le affe.$iona$e)+erha+ ,i$h6

o($ e-en *ein# a,are of i$0 A$ $he o$her en!/ a +aren$ %a' anno(n.e

*l(n$l'/ "I !on1$ lo-e 'o( ,hen 'o( a.$ $ha$ ,a'5 or "When 'o( !o

$hin# li&e $ha$/ I !on1$ e-en ,an$ $o *e aro(n! 'o(05

So%e +aren$ ,i$h!ra, $heir lo-e *' i%+l' ref(in# $o re+on!

$o a .hil!)$ha$ i/ *' %a&in# a +oin$ of i#norin# hi%0 The' %a' no$

a' i$ o($ lo(!/ *($ $he %ea#e $he'1re en!in# i +re$$' .lear7 "If

'o( !o $hin# I !on1$ li&e/ I ,on1$ +a' an' a$$en$ion $o 'o(0 I1ll

+re$en! 'o(1re no$ e-en here0 If 'o( ,an$ %e $o a.&no,le!#e 'o(

a#ain/ 'o(1! *e$6$er o*e' %e05

S$ill o$her +aren$ e+ara$e $he%el-e +h'i.all' fro% $he .hil!0

There are $,o ,a' of !oin# $hi0 The +aren$ .an ei$her ,al& a,a'

9,hi.h %a' lea-e a .hil! o**in#/ or .r'in# o($ in a +ani./ "Mo%%'/

.o%e *a.&4 8o%e *a.&45: or *anih $he .hil! $o hi roo% or o%e

o$her +la.e ,here $he +aren$ in1$0 Thi $a.$i. %i#h$ a..(ra$el' *e

.alle! for.i*le iola$ion0 B($ $ha$ la*el ,o(l! %a&e a lo$ of +aren$(n.o%for$a*le/ o a %ore inno.(o( $er% $en! $o *e (e! in$ea!/

one $ha$ allo, ( $o a-oi! fa.in# (+ $o ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on0 The

+referre! e(+he%i%/ a +erha+ 'o(1-e #(ee!/ i tie-out.

In reali$'/ $hi -er' +o+(lar !i.i+line $e.hni3(e i a -erion of lo-e

,i$h!ra,al)a$ lea$ ,hen .hil!ren are en$ a,a' a#ain$ $heir ,ill0

There1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h #i-in# a .hil! $he o+$ion of #oin# $o her

roo%/ or $o ano$her in-i$in# +la.e/ ,hen he1 an#r' or (+e$0 If heha .hoen $o $a&e o%e $i%e alone/ an! if all $he +ar$i.(lar 9,hen $o

lea-e/ ,here $o #o/ ,ha$ $o !o/ ,hen $o re$(rn: are ,i$hin her .on$rol/

$hen i$1 no$ e2+erien.e! a *anih%en$ or +(nih%en$/ an! i$ .an

of$en *e hel+f(l0 Tha$1 no$ ,ha$ I1% .on.erne! ,i$h here0 I1% fo.(6

in# on $i%e6o($ a $he $er% i ((all' (e!/ ,here i$1 a en$en.e

han!e! !o,n *' $he +aren$7 oli$ar' .onfine%en$0




One .l(e $o $he na$(re of $he $e.hni3(e i +ro-i!e! *' $he ori#in of

$he $er%0 Tie-out i a.$(all' an a**re-ia$ion for tie out )ro pos-

itive rein)orceent. The +ra.$i.e ,a !e-elo+e! al%o$ half a .en$(r'

a#o a a ,a' of $rainin# la*ora$or' ani%al0 A B0 F0 S&inner an! hifollo,er la*ore!/ for e2a%+le/ $o $ea.h +i#eon $o +e.& a$ .er$ain

&e' in re+one $o flahin# li#h$/ $he' $in&ere! ,i$h !ifferen$

.he!(le *' ,hi.h foo! ,a offere! a a re,ar! for !oin# ,ha$ $he

e2+eri%en$er ,an$e!0 So%e$i%e $he' alo $rie! +(nihin# $he *ir!

*' ,i$hhol!in# foo!/ or e-en *' h($$in# off all $he li#h$/ $o ee

,he$her $ha$ ,o(l! "e2$in#(ih5 $he &e'6+e.&in# *eha-ior0 Thi ,a

!one ,i$h o$her .ri$6$er/ $oo0 Th(/ a .ollea#(e of S&inner +(*lihe!

an ar$i.le in J .alle! "8on$rol of Beha-ior in 8hi%+anee an!

Pi#eon *' Ti%e6o($ fro% Poi$i-e Reinfor.e%en$05

Wi$hin a fe, 'ear/ ar$i.le *e#an a++earin# in $hee a%e e2+eri6

%en$al +'.holo#' ;o(rnal ,i$h $i$le li&e "Ti%eo($ D(ra$ion an! $he

S(++reion of De-ian$ Beha-ior in 8hil!ren05 In $ha$ +ar$i.(lar $(!'/

$he .hil!ren (*;e.$e! $o $i%e6o($ ,ere !e.ri*e! a "re$ar!e!/ in$i6

$($ionalie! (*;e.$05 B($ oon $hi in$er-en$ion ,a *ein# +re.ri*e!

in!i.ri%ina$el'/ an! e-en !i.i+line +e.iali$ ,ho ,o(l! ha-e *een

a#ha$ a$ $he i!ea of $rea$in# .hil!ren li&e la* ani%al ,ere en$h(i6

a$i.all' a!-iin# +aren$ $o #i-e $heir &i! a $i%e6o($ ,hen $he' !i!

o%e$hin# ,ron#0 Before lon# i$ ha! *e.o%e "$he %o$ .o%%onl' re.6

o%%en!e! !i.i+line +ro.e!(re in $he +rofeional li$era$(re for

+rea!ole.en$ .hil!ren05

We are $al&in# a*o($ a $e.hni3(e/ $hen/ $ha$ *e#an a a ,a' of

con-trolling anial behavior. All $hree of $hoe ,or! %a' raie

$ro(*lin# 3(e$ion for (0 The la$ of $he%/ of .o(re/ ,e1-e alrea!'

en.o(n6$ere!7 Sho(l! o(r fo.( *e li%i$e! $o behavior @ Ti%e6o($/ li&e

all +(n6ih%en$ an! re,ar!/ $a' on $he (rfa.e0 I$1 !ei#ne!

+(rel' $o %a&e an or#ani% a.$ 9or $o+ a.$in#: in a +ar$i.(lar ,a'0

The %i!!le ,or!/ anial, re%in! ( $ha$ $he *eha-iori$ ,hoin-en$e! $i%e6o($ *elie-e! $ha$ h(%an are no$ all $ha$ !ifferen$ fro%

o$her +e.ie0 We "e%i$5 %ore .o%+li.a$e! *eha-ior/ in.l(!in#

+ee.h/ *($ $he +rin.i+le of learnin# are $ho(#h$ $o *e +re$$' %(.h




$he a%e0 Thoe of ( ,ho !on1$ hare $ha$ *elief %i#h$ ha-e

e.on! $ho(#h$ a*o($ (*;e.$in# o(r .hil!ren $o o%e$hin# $ha$

,a !e-el6o+e! for (e ,i$h *ir! an! ro!en$0

Finall'/ ,e1re lef$ ,i$h a 3(e$ion $ha$ infor% $hi ,hole *oo&7

Doe i$ %a&e ene $o raie o(r &i! *ae! on a %o!el of control9E-en if i$ hi$or' an! $heore$i.al *ai !on1$ $ro(*le 'o(/ loo&

a#ain a$ $he ori#inal la*el tie-out )ro positive rein)orceent. Par6

en$ aren1$ ((all' in $he %i!!le of han!in# o($ $i.&er or .an!' *ar

,hen $he' (!!enl' !e.i!e $o $o+0 So ,ha$/ e2a.$l'/ i $he +oi$i-e

reinfor.e%en$ $ha$1 *ein# (+en!e! ,hen a .hil! i #i-en a $i%e6

o($@ So%e$i%e he1 !oin# o%e$hin# f(n an! i for.e! $o 3(i$0 B($

$hi in1$ al,a' $he .ae)an! e-en ,hen i$ i/ I $hin& $here1 %ore $o

$he $or'0 When 'o( en! a .hil! a,a'/ ,ha$1 reall' *ein# ,i$.he!

off or ,i$h6!ra,n i 'o(r +reen.e/ 'o(r a$$en$ion/ your love. Yo( %a'

no$ ha-e $ho(#h$ of i$ $ha$ ,a'0 In!ee!/ 'o( %a' ini$ $ha$ 'o(r lo-e

for 'o(r .hil! i (n!i%inihe! *' hi %i*eha-ior0 B($/ a ,e1-e een/

,ha$ %a$$er i ho, $hin# loo& $o $he .hil!0

The esults o) 'ove Withdra%al

In a la$er .ha+$er/ I1ll a' %ore a*o($ al$erna$i-e $o $i%e6o($0 B($ le$1

*a.& (+ an! loo& %ore .aref(ll' a$ $he ,hole i!ea of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0

For %an' +eo+le/ $he fir$ 3(e$ion ,o(l! *e ,he$her $hi a++roa.h

,or&0 On.e a#ain/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ +ro-e $o *e a %ore .o%+li.a$e!

%a$$er $han i$ %a' ee%0 We ha-e $o a&7 "Wor& $o !o ,ha$@5)an!

,e alo ha-e $o ,ei#h an' $e%+orar' .han#e in *eha-ior a#ain$ ,ha$

%a' $(rn o($ $o *e a !ee+er/ lon#er6la$in# ne#a$i-e i%+a.$0 In o$her

,or!/ ,e nee! $o loo& *e'on! $he hor$6$er%/ an! ,e alo nee! $o

loo& a$ ,ha$1 #oin# on underneath $he -ii*le *eha-ior0 Re%e%*er/

$he $(!' of .olle#e $(!en$ !e.ri*e! in $he la$ .ha+$er fo(n! $ha$

.on!i$ional lo-e .an (..ee! a$ .han#in# ho, &i! a.$/ *($ a$ enor6%o( .o$0 I$ $(rn o($ $ha$ $he a%e i $r(e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al in +ar6

$i.(lar0



CJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

8oni!er $hi a..o(n$ fro% $he +aren$ of a 'o(n# .hil! ,e1ll .all

Lee7

I !i.o-ere! o%e $i%e a#o $ha$ ,hen Lee $ar$e! $o a.$ (+/ Ireall' !i!n1$ ha-e $o $hrea$en $o $a&e a,a' +ri-ile#e or e-en raie

%' -oi.e0 I ;($ 3(ie$l' anno(n.e! %' in$en$ion $o lea-e $he roo%0

So%e$i%e all I ha! $o !o ,a ,al& across $he roo%/ a,a' fro%

hi%/ an! a' I ,o(l! ,ai$ (n$il he ,a rea!' $o $o+ 'ellin# or

rei$in# or ,ha$e-er0 Mo$ of $he $i%e $hi ,a a%a6in#l'

effe.$i-e0 He ,o(l! *e#/ "No/ !on1$45 an! ,o(l! i%%e!i6a$el' 3(ie$

!o,n or !o ,ha$ I a&e!0 A$ fir$/ $he %oral I !re, fro% $hi ,a

$ha$ a li#h$ $o(.h i (ffi.ien$0 I .o(l! #e$ ,ha$ I ,an$e! ,i$ho($

ha-in# $o +(nih0 B($ I .o(l!n1$ $o+ $hin&in# a*o($ $he fear I a,

in hi e'e0 I .a%e $o realie $ha$ ,ha$ I ,a !oin# %as

+(nih%en$ a far a Lee ,a .on.erne!)a '%*oli. one/

%a'*e/ *($ a +re$$' !a%n .ar' one0

An i%+or$an$ $(!' on $he effe.$i-ene of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al *ai6

.all' (++or$ $hi +aren$1 .on.l(ion7 So%e$i%e i$ !oe ee% $o

,or&/ *($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e ho(l! !o i$0 In $he earl' J/

$,o reear.her a$ $he Na$ional In$i$($e of Men$al Heal$h 9NIMH:

e2a%6ine! ,ha$ %o$her !i! ,i$h $heir a++ro2i%a$el' one6'ear6ol!

.hil!ren0 I$ ee%e! $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)!eli*era$el' i#norin# a

.hil! or enfor.in# a e+ara$ion),a $'+i.all' .o%*ine! ,i$h o%e

o$her $ra$6e#'0 Re#ar!le of ,hi.h o$her a++roa.h ,a (e!/

,he$her i$ ,a e2+lainin# or %a.&in#/ $he a!!i$ion of lo-e

,i$h!ra,al %a!e i$ %ore li&el' $ha$ $hee -er' 'o(n# &i! ,o(l!

.o%+l' ,i$h $heir %o$her1 ,ihe/ a$ lea$ for $he %o%en$0

B($ $he reear.her ,ere %ore .on.erne! $han rea(re! *' ,ha$

$he' a,/ an! $he' e%+haie! $ha$ $he' ,ere no$ a!-iin# +aren$ $o

(e lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 Fir$/ $he' +oin$e! o($ $ha$ "!i.i+linar' $e.h6ni3(e

effe.$i-e for e.(rin# i%%e!ia$e .o%+lian.e are no$ ne.earil' effe.$i-e 0

0 0 in $he lon# r(n05 Se.on!/ $he' o*er-e! $ha$ ".hil!ren %a' rea.$ $o lo-e

,i$h!ra,al in ,a' $ha$ +aren$ +er.ei-e a o..aion for




f(r$her !i.i+line05 A -i.io( .ir.le .an *e .rea$e!/ ,i$h &i! .r'in# an!

+ro$e$in#/ lea!in# $o %ore lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ lea!in# $o %ore .r'in#

an! +ro$e$in#/ an! o on0 Finall'/ e-en ,hen $hi $e.hni3(e !i! +ro6

!(.e re(l$/ $he reear.her ee%e! (nea' a*o($ %hy i$ ,or&e!0C

Man' 'ear a#o/ a +'.holo#i$ na%e! Mar$in Hoff%an .hal6len#e! $he !i$in.$ion *e$,een +o,er6*ae! an! lo-e6*ae!

!i.i+line *' +oin$in# o($ $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ a .o%%on e2a%+le

of $he la$6$er/ a.$(all' ha a lo$ in .o%%on ,i$h %ore e-ere for%

of +(nih6%en$0 Bo$h .o%%(ni.a$e $o .hil!ren $ha$ if $he' !o

o%e$hin# ,e !on1$ li&e/ ,e1ll %a&e $he% (ffer in or!er $o .han#e

$heir *eha-ior0 9The onl' re%ainin# 3(e$ion i ho% ,e1ll %a&e

$he% (ffer7 *' .a(6in# +h'i.al +ain $hro(#h hi$$in#/ or *'

.a(in# e%o$ional +ain $hro(#h enfor.e! iola$ion0: An! *o$h are

*ae! on #e$$in# &i! $o fo.( on $he .one3(en.e of $heir a.$ion

to theselves, ,hi.h i/ of .o(re/ -er' !ifferen$ fro% raiin#

.hil!ren $o $hin& a*o($ ho, $heir a.$ion ,ill affe.$ o$her +eo+le0

Hoff%an $hen +ro.ee!e! $o %a&e an e-en %ore (r+riin# (#6

#e$ion7 In o%e i$(a$ion/ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al %i#h$ *e e-en ,ore $han

o$her/ a++aren$l' harher/ +(nih%en$0 "Al$ho(#h i$ +oe no i%%e6

!ia$e +h'i.al or %a$erial $hrea$ $o $he .hil!/5 he ,ro$e/ lo-e ,i$h6

!ra,al "%a' *e %ore !e-a$a$in# e%o$ionall' $han +o,er aer$ion

*e.a(e i$ +oe $he (l$i%a$e $hrea$ of a*an!on%en$ or e+ara$ion05

F(r$her%ore/ ",hile $he +aren$ %a' &no, ,hen i$ ,ill en!/ $he -er'

'o(n# .hil! %a' no$ in.e he i $o$all' !e+en!en$ on $he +aren$ an!

%oreo-er la.& $he e2+erien.e an! $i%e +er+e.$i-e nee!e! $o re.o#6

nie $he $e%+orar' na$(re of $he +aren$1 a$$i$(!e05

E-en .hil!ren ,ho .o%e $o realie $ha$ Mo% or Da! ,ill e-en$(6

all' $ar$ $al&in# $o $he% a#ain 9or ,ill oon free $he% fro% $he $i%e6

o($: %a' no$ en$irel' re.o-er fro% $he re-er*era$ion of $hi

+(nih%en$0 Lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.hni3(e .an (..ee! in %a&in# a

.hil!1 *eha-ior %ore a..e+$a*le $o a!(l$/ *($ $he en#ine $ha$ !ri-e

$heir (..e i $he !ee+l' fel$ "an2ie$' a*o($ +oi*le lo of +aren$allo-e/5 a' Hoff%an0 Thi i ,ha$ #a-e +a(e e-en $o $hoe NIMH

reear.her ,ho fo(n! $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al .an +ro!(.e $e%+orar'




o*e!ien.e0 In!ee!/ ano$her #ro(+ of +'.holo#i$ o*er-e! $ha$

$hi for% of !i.i+line $en! $o "lea-e $he .hil! in a $a$e of

e%o$ional !i6.o%for$ for lon#er +erio!5 $han !oe a +an&in#0

There in1$ a h(#e a%o(n$ of .ien$ifi. reear.h on lo-e,i$h!ra,al/ *($ $he li$$le $ha$ !oe e2i$ ha $(rne! (+ !i$(r*in#l'

.oni$en$ fin!6in#0 8hil!ren on $he re.ei-in# en! $en! $o ha-e

lo,er elf6e$ee%0 The' !i+la' i#n of +oorer e%o$ional heal$h

o-erall an! %a' e-en *e %ore a+$ $o en#a#e in !elin3(en$ a.$0 If

,e .oni!er a *roa!er .a$6e#or' of "+'.holo#i.al .on$rol5 on $he

+ar$ of +aren$ 9of ,hi.h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al i ai! $o *e "a !efinin#

.hara.$eri$i.5:/ ol!er .hil!ren ,ho are $rea$e! $hi ,a' are %oreli&el' $han $heir +eer $o *e !e+ree!0

No 3(e$ion a*o($ i$7 A +aren$ ha .oni!era*le +o,er "$o %ani+6

(la$e .hil!ren $hro(#h $heir nee! for +aren$al affe.$ion an! a++ro-al/

an! $heir fear of lo of $he +aren$1 e%o$ional (++or$05 B($ $hi i

no$ li&e/ a'/ fear of $he !ar&/ ,hi.h %o$ +eo+le o($#ro,0 Ra$her/ i$1

$he or$ of fear $ha$ .an *e a en!(rin# a i$ i ha$$erin#0 No$hin# i

%ore i%+or$an$ $o ( ,hen ,e1re 'o(n# $han ho, o(r +aren$ feel

a*o($ (0 Un.er$ain$' a*o($ $ha$/ or $error a*o($ *ein# a*an!one!/

.an lea-e i$ %ar& e-en af$er ,e1re #ro,n0

I$ %a&e +erfe.$ ene/ $hen/ $ha$ $he %o$ $ri&in# lon#6$er% effe.$

of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al i fear0 E-en a 'o(n# a!(l$/ +eo+le ,ho ,ere

$rea$e! $ha$ ,a' *' $heir +aren$ are $ill li&el' $o *e (n((all' an26

io(0 The' %a' *e afrai! $o ho, an#er0 The' $en! $o !i+la' a i#6

nifi.an$ fear of fail(re0 An! $heir a!(l$ rela$ionhi+ %a' *e ,ar+e! *'

a nee! $o a-oi! a$$a.h%en$)+erha+ *e.a(e $he' li-e in !rea! of

*ein# a*an!one! all o-er a#ain0 9Ha-in# e2+erien.e! lo-e ,i$h!ra,al

a .hil!ren/ a!(l$ %a' ha-e "!e.i!e! een$iall' $ha$ $he $er% of

$hi *ar#ain are i%+oi*le $o %ee$01 Tha$ i/ $he' .o(l! ne-er e2+e.$

$o earn $he a++ro-al an! (++or$ fro% $heir +aren$ $he' nee!e!/

$here6fore =$he' no, $r'> $o $r(.$(re $heir li-e o a no$ $o !e+en! on+ro6$e.$ion an! e%o$ional .o%for$ fro% o$her05:J

I !on1$ %ean $o i%+l' $ha$ 'o(r .hil! i (re $o *e .re,e! (+ for

life ;($ *e.a(e 'o( en$ her $o her roo% on.e ,hen he ,a fo(r0 A$




$he a%e $i%e/ $hi li$ of effe.$ in1$ o%e$hin# I $ho(#h$ (+ in $he

ho,er $hi %ornin#0 I$1 no$ a %a$$er of +e.(la$ion or e-en of

ane.6!o$e fro% $hera+i$0 8on$rolle! $(!ie ha-e lin&e! all

$hee fear +e.ifi.all' $o $he earlier +aren$al (e of lo-e,i$h!ra,al0 Paren$in# #(i!e al%o$ ne-er %en$ion $hee !a$a/ *($

$heir .(%(la$i-e effe.$ ha $o *e $a&en erio(l'0

In!ee!/ $here1 one %ore fin!in# ,or$h %en$ionin#7 $he effe.$ on

&i!1 oral !e-elo+%en$0 Hoff%an .on!(.$e! a $(!' of e-en$h6

#ra!er $ha$ fo(n! $ha$ $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al ,a ao.ia$e! ,i$h

a lo,er6le-el for% of %orali$'0 In !e.i!in# ho, $o a.$ ,i$h o$her +eo6

+le/ $hee .hil!ren !i!n1$ $a&e +e.ifi. .ir.(%$an.e in$o a..o(n$/ nor !i! $he' .oni!er $he nee! of a #i-en in!i-i!(al0 In$ea!/ ha-in#

learne! $o !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! in or!er $o a-oi! loin# $heir

+aren$1 lo-e/ $he' $en!e! ;($ $o a++l' r(le in a ri#i!/ one6ie6fi$6all

fahion0 If ,e1re erio( a*o($ hel+in# o(r .hil!ren $o #ro, in$o

.o%+aiona$e an! +'.holo#i.all' heal$h' +eo+le/ ,e ha-e $o realie

ho, har! $ha$ i $o !o on a !ie$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)or/ a ,e1ll ee

la$er/ an' o$her or$ of +(ni$i-e .one3(en.e0

The 4ailure o) e%ards

I i$ (ne$$lin# $o hear $ha$ $i%e6o($ an! o$her "%il!er5 for% of +(n6

ih%en$ %a' a.$(all' no$ *e o *eni#n af$er all@ Well/ *ra.e 'o(relf0

The fli+ i!e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)$ha$ i/ $he o$her $e.hni3(e ao.i6

a$e! ,i$h .on!i$ional lo-e)i none o$her $han +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$/

an a++roa.h $ha$1 ,il!l' +o+(lar a%on# +aren$/ $ea.her/ an! o$h6

er ,ho +en! $i%e ,i$h .hil!ren0 E-en +eo+le ,ho ,arn a*o($ $he

(nin$en!e! .one3(en.e of +(ni$i-e !i.i+line #enerall' !on1$ $hin&

$,i.e a*o($ (r#in# ( $o +raie &i! for *ein# #oo!0

A *i$ of *a.&#ro(n! %a' *e a++ro+ria$e here0 In o(r .(l$(re1

,or&+la.e/ .laroo%/ an! fa%ilie/ $here are $,o *ai. $ra$e#ie

*' ,hi.h +eo+le ,i$h %ore +o,er $r' $o #e$ +eo+le ,i$h le +o,er $o

o*e'0 One ,a' i $o +(nih non.o%+lian.e0 The o$her i $o re,ar!




.o%+lian.e0 The re,ar! %i#h$ *e a +a'%en$ or a +ri-ile#e/ a #ol!

$ar or a .an!' *ar/ a $i.&er or a Phi Be$a Ka++a &e'0 B($ i$ %a'

alo *e +raie0 Th(/ $o (n!er$an! $he i#nifi.an.e of a'in#

"Goo! ;o*45 $o 'o(r .hil!/ 'o( ha-e $o (n!er$an! $he ,hole .arro$6an!6$i.& +hilo6o+h' of ,hi.h i$1 a +ar$0

The fir$ $hin# $o (n!er$an! i $ha$ re,ar! are re%ar&a*l' inef6

fe.$i-e a$ i%+ro-in# $he 3(ali$' of +eo+le1 ,or& or learnin#0 A .on6

i!era*le n(%*er of $(!ie ha-e fo(n! $ha$ .hil!ren an! a!(l$ ali&e

are less (..ef(l a$ %an' $a& ,hen $he'1re offere! a re,ar! for

!oin# $he%)or for !oin# $he% ,ell0 In fa.$/ $he fir$ .ien$i$ $o !i6

.o-er $hi re(l$ ,ere .a(#h$ off6#(ar!0 The' e2+e.$e! $ha$ o%e or$

of in.en$i-e for hi#h a.hie-e%en$ ,o(l! %o$i-a$e +eo+le $o !o *e$$er/

*($ $he' &e+$ fin!in# $ha$ $he o++oi$e ,a $r(e0 S$(!ie ha-e re+ea$6

e!l' ho,n/ for in$an.e/ $ha$ $(!en$ $en! $o learn *e$$er/ all ele

*ein# e3(al/ ,hen no A1 are (e! $o re,ar! $he%)$ha$ i/ in .la6

roo% ,here !e.ri+$ion of $(!en$1 +erfor%an.e are (e! ,i$ho($

an' le$$er or n(%*er #ra!e a$$a.he!0

B($ ,ha$ if ,e1re %ore in$ere$e! in *eha-ior an! -al(e $han in

a.hie-e%en$@ Of .o(re/ ,e1! ha-e $o a.&no,le!#e $ha$ re,ar!)

li&e +(nih%en$).an of$en (..ee! in *('in# $e%+orar' o*e!ien.e0

If I offere! 'o( a $ho(an! !ollar ri#h$ no, $o $a&e off 'o(r hoe/

'o(1! -er' li&el' a..e+$)an! $hen I .o(l! $ri(%+han$l' anno(n.e $ha$

"re,ar! ,or&05 B($/ a ,i$h +(nih%en$/ $he' .an ne-er hel+ o%e6

one $o !e-elo+ a coitent $o a $a& or an a.$ion/ a reaon $o &ee+

!oin# i$ ,hen $here1 no lon#er a +a'off0

In fa.$/ one e2+eri%en$ af$er ano$her ha !e%on$ra$e! $ha$ re,ar!

are no$ onl' ineffe.$i-e)$he'1re of$en .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 For e2a%+le/

reear.her ha-e fo(n! $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho are re,ar!e! for !oin# o%e6

$hin# ni.e are le li&el' $o $hin& of $he%el-e a ni.e +eo+le0 In$ea!/

$he' $en! $o a$$ri*($e $heir *eha-ior $o $he re,ar!0 Then/ ,hen $here1 no

lon#er a #oo!' $o *e #aine!/ $he'1re le li&el' $o hel+ $han are &i! ,ho,eren1$ #i-en a re,ar! in $he fir$ +la.e0 The'1re alo le li&el' $o hel+

$han $he' $he%el-e (e! $o *e0 Af$er all/ $he'1-e learne! $ha$ $he +oin$

of .o%in# $o o%eone1 ai! i ;($ $o #e$ a re,ar!0




In hor$/ i$ al%o$ al,a' *a.&fire $o offer .hil!ren $he

e3(i-alen$ of a !o##ie *i.(i$ for a.$in# $he ,a' ,e ,an$ $he% $o0

B($ $ha$1 no$ *e.a(e ,e (e! $he ,ron# &in! of *i.(i$ or #a-e

$he% o($ on $he ,ron# .he!(le0 Ra$her/ i$1 *e.a(e $here are

+ro*le% ,i$h $he ,hole i!ea of $r'in# $o .han#e +eo+le *'re,ar!in# 9or +(nihin#: $he%0 I$1 no$ al,a' ea' for +aren$ $o

i!en$if' ,ha$ $hoe +ro*le% are/ ,hi.h i ,h' I of$en hear fro%

+eo+le ,ho feel -a#(el' (nea' a*o($ re,ar!in# $heir .hil!ren *($

.an1$ 3(i$e +($ $heir fin#er on $he o(r.e of $heir !i.o%for$0

Here1 one ,a' of %a&in# ene of ,ha$1 ,ron#0 Mo$ of (

a(%e $ha$ $here e2i$ a in#le $hin# .alle! "%o$i-a$ion/5 ,hi.h

+eo6+le .an ha-e a lo$ of/ a li$$le of/ or none of0 Na$(rall'/ ,e ,an$

o(r &i! $o +oe .o+io( 3(an$i$ie of i$/ ,hi.h i $o a'/ ,e

,an$ $he% $o *e hi#hl' %o$i-a$e! $o !o $heir ho%e,or&/ $o a.$

re+oni*l'/ an! o for$h0

The $ro(*le/ $ho(#h/ i $ha$ $here are a.$(all' !ifferen$ &in! of %o$i6

-a$ion0 Mo$ +'.holo#i$ !i$in#(ih *e$,een $he intrinsic &in! an! $he

extrinsic &in!0 In$rini. %o$i-a$ion *ai.all' %ean 'o( li&e ,ha$ 'o(1re

!oin# for i$ o,n a&e/ ,herea e2$rini. %o$i-a$ion %ean 'o( !o

o%e$hin# a a %ean $o an en!)in or!er $o #e$ a re,ar! or a-oi! a

+(nih%en$0 I$1 $he !ifferen.e *e$,een rea!in# a *oo& *e.a(e 'o( ,an$

$o fin! o($ ,ha$ ha++en in $he ne2$ .ha+$er an! rea!in# *e.a(e 'o(1-e

*een +ro%ie! a $i.&er or a +ia for !oin# o0

The &e' +oin$ here in1$ ;($ $ha$ e2$rini. %o$i-a$ion i di))erent

fro% $he in$rini. &in!/ or e-en $ha$ i$1 in)erior $o in$rini./ al$ho(#h

*o$h $a$e%en$ are $r(e0 Wha$ I ,an$ $o e%+haie i $ha$ e2$rini.

%o$i-a$ion i li&el' $o erode in$rini. %o$i-a$ion0 A e2$rini. #oe (+/

in$rini. $en! $o .o%e !o,n0 The ore that people are re%arded )or

doing soething, the ore likely they are to lose interest in %hatever

they had to do to get the re%ard. Of .o(re/ $here are al,a' 3(alifi6

.a$ion an! e2.e+$ion $o an' one6en$en.e (%%ar' of a +'.holo#6

i.al fin!in#/ *($ $ha$ *ai. +ro+oi$ion ha *een +ro-en *' li$erall'.ore of $(!ie ,i$h +eo+le of !ifferen$ a#e/ #en!er/ an! .(l$(ral

*a.&#ro(n!)an! ,i$h a -arie$' of !ifferen$ $a& an! re,ar!0




No ,on!er/ $hen/ $ha$ &i! ,ho are re,ar!e! for *ein# hel+f(l en! (+

*ein# le hel+f(l on.e $he re,ar! $o+ .o%in#0 An! $here1 +len$' of

o$her e-i!en.e/ $oo0 Gi-e li$$le .hil!ren an (nfa%iliar *e-era#e/ an! $hoe

,ho are offere! a re,ar! for !rin&in# i$ ,ill en! (+ li&in# i$ le ne2$ ,ee&$han &i! ,ho !ran& $he a%e $(ff ,i$ho($ *ein# offere! a re,ar!0 Or +a'

.hil!ren for $r'in# $o ol-e a +(le/ an! $he'1ll $en! $o $o+ +la'in# ,i$h i$

af$er $he e2+eri%en$ i o-er),hile $hoe ,ho ,ere +ai! no$hin# are a+$

$o &ee+ a$ i$ on $heir o,n $i%e0

One %oral fro% all $hi i $ha$ i$ reall' !oen1$ %a$$er ho, "%o$i6

-a$e!5 'o(r .hil! i $o !o o%e$hin# 9(e $he +o$$'/ +ra.$i.e $he +iano/

#o $o .hool/ ,ha$e-er:0 Ra$her/ $he 3(e$ion 'o(1! ,an$ $o a& i ho%

'o(r .hil! i %o$i-a$e!0 To +($ i$ ano$her ,a'/ i$1 no$ $he a%o(n$ of

%o$i-a$ion $ha$ .o(n$)i$1 $he $'+e0 An! $he $'+e $ha$1 .rea$e! *'

re,ar! ((all' ha $he effe.$ of re!(.in# $he $'+e ,e ,an$ &i! $o

ha-e7 a #en(ine in$ere$ $ha$ +eri$ lon# af$er $he re,ar! are #one0

7ot-&o-Positive ein)orceent

No, for $he reall' *a! ne,7 Wha$1 $r(e of $an#i*le re,ar! 9%one'

or foo!: an! '%*oli. re,ar! 9#ra!e or #ol! $ar: .an alo *e $r(e

of -er*al re,ar!0 In %an' .ae/ $he effe.$ of +raiin# &i! .an *e

;($ a !i%al a $he effe.$ of #i-in# $he% o$her or$ of #oo!ie0

For $ar$er/ "Goo! ;o*45 .an in$erfere ,i$h ho, ,ell a ;o* a.$(6all'

#e$ !one0 Reear.her &ee+ fin!in# $ha$ in!i-i!(al ,ho are +raie!

for !oin# ,ell a$ a .rea$i-e $a& of$en $(%*le a$ $he ne2$ $a&0 Wh'@

Par$l' *e.a(e $he +raie .rea$e +re(re $o "&ee+ (+ $he #oo!

,or&5 $ha$ #e$ in $he ,a' of !oin# o0 Par$l' *e.a(e +eo+le1 inter-

est in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# %a' ha-e !e.line! 9*e.a(e no, $he %ain

#oal i ;($ $o #e$ %ore +raie:0C Par$l' *e.a(e $he' *e.o%e le

li&el' $o $a&e ri&)a +rere3(ii$e for .rea$i-i$')on.e $he' $ar$

$hin&in# a*o($ ho, $o &ee+ $hoe +oi$i-e .o%%en$ .o%in#0

Nor !oe +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ $en! $o ,or& an' *e$$er for o($6

.o%e o$her $han a.hie-e%en$0 Li&e o$her re,ar! an! +(nih%en$/




$he *e$ i$ .an !o i $e%+oraril' .han#e a .hil!1 *eha-ior0 For

e2a%6+le/ &i! ,ho ,ere +raie! for !rin&in# $ha$ (nfa%iliar

*e-era#e en!e! (+ li&in# i$ a lo$ le a a re(l$)e2a.$l' li&e $he

&i! ,ho re.ei-e! $an#i*le re,ar! for !rin&in# i$0 9Thi +ar$i.(lar

reear.her !i!n1$ +re6!i.$ $ha$ o($.o%e7 She ha! a(%e! $ha$+raie ,o(l!n1$ *e a !e$r(.6$i-e a o$her e2$rini. in!(.e%en$0:

More ,orrio%e ,a a $(!' in ,hi.h 'o(n# .hil!ren ,ho ,ere

of$en +raie! *' $heir +aren$ for !i+la' of #eneroi$' $en!e! $o *e

li#h$l' less #enero( on an e-er'!a' *ai $han o$her .hil!ren ,ere

) a#ain/ ;($ li&e &i! ,ho re.ei-e! $an#i*le re,ar!0 E-er' $i%e $he'

hear! "Goo! harin#45 or "I1% o +ro(! of 'o( for hel+in#/5 $he'

*e.a%e a li$$le le in$ere$e! in harin# or hel+in#0 Thoe a.$ion

.a%e $o *e een no$ a o%e$hin# -al(a*le in $heir o,n ri#h$ *($ a

o%e6$hin# $he .hil!ren ha! $o !o $o #e$ $ha$ rea.$ion a#ain fro% an

a!(l$0 In $hi .ae/ i$ ,a #eneroi$' $ha$ *e.a%e %erel' a %ean $o

an en!0 In o$her .ae/ i$ %i#h$ *e +ain$in# or ,i%%in# or %(l$i+l'in#

or an'6$hin# ele for ,hi.h ,e offer +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$0

Praie/ li&e o$her re,ar!/ ((all' refle.$ a +reo..(+a$ion ,i$h

*eha-ior)$he a%e le#a.' of *eha-iori% $ha$ I %en$ione! earlier0

On.e ,e *e#in $o .oni!er $he %o$i-e $ha$ (n!erlie +eo+le1

a.$ion/ i$ (!!enl' %a&e ene $ha$ +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ %i#h$

%ifire0 Af$er all/ if ,e ,an$ a .hil! $o #ro, in$o a #en(inel'

.o%+aiona$e +eron/ $hen i$1 no$ eno(#h $o &no, ,he$her he

;($ !i! o%e$hin# hel+f(l0 We1! ,an$ $o &no, %hy.

Ta&e <a.&7 He hare! hi $o' ,i$h a frien! in $he ho+e $ha$ hi

%o% ,o(l! no$i.e an! ho,er hi% ,i$h a!(la$ion 9"I reall' li&e ho,

'o(1re le$$in# Gre#or' +la'/ $oo5:0 B($ $hen $here1 ?a.&7 He hare!

hi $o' ,i$ho($ &no,in#/ or e-en .arin#/ ,he$her hi %o% no$i.e!0

He !i! i$ for $he i%+le reaon $ha$ he !i!n1$ ,an$ hi frien! $o feel

*a!0 Praie for harin# $'+i.all' i#nore $hee !ifferen$ %o$i-e0

Wore/ i$ %a' a.$(all' +ro%o$e $he le !eira*le one *' %a&in#

.hil!ren %ore li&el' $o fih for +raie in $he f($(re0




U+ $o $hi +oin$ %' %ain ar#(%en$ ha *een $ha$ +raie $en! $o

*e .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e *e.a(e i$1 an e2$rini. %o$i-a$or0 B($ no, I

,an$ $o .o%e a$ $hi i!ea fro% a ne, an#le0 The +ro*le% in1$ ;($

$ha$ i$1 a re,ar!0 The +ro*le% i $ha$ positive rein)orceent exepli)ies the idea o) conditional parenting.

Thin& a*o($ i$7 Wha$1 $he %irror i%a#e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)$ha$ i/

,i$hhol!in# affe.$ion ,hen &i! !o $hin# ,e !on1$ li&e@ I$ ,o(l! ha-e

$o *e #i-in# $he% affe.$ion ,hen $he' !o $hin# ,e do li&e7 +ro6-i!in#

i$ ele.$i-el'/ .on$in#en$l'/ of$en in $he e2+li.i$ ho+e of reinfor.6in# $ha$

*eha-ior0 Praie in1$ ;($ !ifferen$ fro% (n.on!i$ional lo-e i$1 $he

+olar o++oi$e0 I$1 a ,a' of a'in# $o .hil!ren7 "Yo( ha-e $o ;(%+

$hro(#h %' hoo+ in or!er for %e $o e2+re (++or$ an! !eli#h$05

8arin# +aren$ are a$$en$i-e/ an! $he' of$en 9$ho(#h no$ al,a':

!e.ri*e o%e$hin# $he' no$i.e! $ha$ $he .hil! ha !one an! in-i$e hi% or

her $o refle.$ on i$ i%+li.a$ion0 B($ "Goo! ;o*45 in1$ a !e.ri+$ion i$1 a

;(!#%en$0 An! $ha$ ha (ne$$lin# i%+li.a$ion for ho, .hil!ren are li&el'

$o +er.ei-e ho, ,e feel a*o($ $he%0 In$ea! of "I lo-e 'o(/5 ,ha$ +raie

%a' .o%%(ni.a$e i "I lo-e 'o( *e.a(e 'o(1-e !one ,ell05 I$1 no$

ne.ear' for ( $o say $ha$ in o %an' ,or!),hi.h/ of .o(re/ al%o$

no one !oe0 All $ha$1 re3(ire! i $ha$ ,e do i$)$ha$ i/ e2+re lo-e an!

ho, e2.i$e%en$ onl' (n!er .er$ain .on!i$ion0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ lo-e

,i$h!ra,al of$en $a&e +la.e e-en $ho(#h $he +aren$ !oen1$ a.$(all' a'/

"I !on1$ lo-e 'o( *e.a(e 'o( ha-en1$ !one ,ell05 In *o$h .ae/ $he

%ea#e .o%e $hro(#h lo(! an! .lear an',a'0:

A fe, 'ear a#o/ ,hen %' ,ife an! I ,ere $r'in# $o hire a *a*'i$6

$er/ ,e %e$ a 'o(n# ,o%an ,ho .ri+l' (%%arie! her +hiloo+h' of

.hil! .are *' a'in#/ "Goo! *eha-ior #e$ %' a$$en$ion05 She +ro*6

a*l' %ean$ $o .on$ra$ $hi a++roa.h ,i$h one $ha$ fo.(e! on re+ri6

%an!in# .hil!ren for *a! *eha-ior0 B($ i%%e!ia$el' ,e &ne, ,e !i!n1$

,an$ her an',here near o(r &i!0 We !i!n1$ e-er ,an$ $he% $o $hin&

$ha$ $he a$$en$ion of a .are$a&er ,o(l! *e !ole! o($ in re+one $o

ho, $he' ha! a.$e!)in o$her ,or!/ $ha$ he ,o(l! loo& a$ $he% an!

li$en $o $he% onl' ,hen he !e.i!e! $he' ha! earne! i$0

I1% #ra$ef(l $o $hi ,o%an/ ho,e-er/ for hel+in# %e .larif' e2a.$l'G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E



,ha$ I o*;e.$e! $o/ an! ,h'0 I alo a++re.ia$e a ee! $ha$ ,a +lan$e! *'

o%eone ele/ a ,o%an in $he a(!ien.e a$ a le.$(re I #a-e o%e $i%e

a#o0 I .an no lon#er re.all her na%e/ or e-en ,ha$ .i$' I ,a in0 All I

re%e%*er i $ha$ he ,al&e! (+ $o %e an! ai! $ha$ her .hil!1 .hool

ha! ;($ +reen$e! her ,i$h a *(%+er $i.&er $ha$ loo&e! li&e $hi7

I1M PROUD OF MY 8HILD

WHO WAS STUDENT OF THE MONTH

She $ol! %e $ha$ a oon a he #o$ ho%e/ he fo(n! a +air of

.ior/ ni++e! off $he *o$$o% half/ an! +a$e! on her .ar $he fi-e

,or! $ha$ re%aine!)$ha$ i/ ,ha$ ha! *een $he fir$ line0 Wi$h a

li$$le in#en(6i$'/ he no$ onl' rei$e! an in-i$a$ion $o *e a

.on!i$ional +aren$ *($ $(rne! i$ in$o an o++or$(ni$' $o affir% $he

(n.on!i$ionali$' of $he +ri!e he fel$ in her .hil!0

I ho(l! e%+haie a#ain $ha$ $here are no a*ol($e in h(%an

*eha-ior0 Whe$her +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ ha a !e$ri%en$al effe.$

9an!/ if o/ ho, !e$ri%en$al: %a' -ar' !e+en!in# on e-eral fa.$or0 I$

%a$$er ho% i$1 !one7 $he ,a' +raie i +hrae!/ $he $one of -oi.e

$ha$1 (e!/ ,he$her i$1 #i-en in +ri-a$e or in fron$ of o$her0 I$ %a$6

$er to %ho i$1 !one7 The .hil!1 a#e an! $e%+era%en$ .o(n$/ a !o

o$her -aria*le0 An! i$ %a$$er %hy i$1 !one7 ,ha$ &in! of $hin# .hil6

!ren are +raie! for !oin# an! ,ha$ 'o(r +(r+oe i for +raiin#)or/

ra$her/ ,ha$ $he .hil! *elie-e 'o(r +(r+oe i0 There1 a !ifferen.e

*e$,een .on#ra$(la$in# &i! for a.$in# in a ,a' $ha$ %erel' %a&e

your life eaier 9for e2a%+le/ ea$in# nea$l': an! .on#ra$(la$in# $he%

for !oin# o%e$hin# $ha$1 #en(inel' i%+rei-e0 There1 a !ifferen.e

*e$,een e2+rein# +lea(re in re+one $o %in!le o*e!ien.e 9for

e2a%+le/ ,hen a .hil! follo, one of 'o(r r(le: an! e2+rein#

+lea6(re in re+one $o a reall' $ho(#h$f(l 3(e$ion0

I$1 +oi*le/ $hen/ $o fin! ,a' of %ini%iin# $he ne#a$i-e effe.$ of

+raie0 B($ $he %(.h %ore i%+or$an$ +oin$ i $ha$ e-en *e$$er -er6ionare $ill le $han i!eal0 9Tha$1 ,h' I1ll offer alternatives $o +raie in

.ha+$er J ra$her $han !ifferen$/ %a'*e li#h$l' le *a! ,a' of




+raiin#0: I$ i (rel' $r(e/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ e2+rein# +on$aneo(

en$h(ia% a*o($ o%e$hin# .hil!ren ha-e !one i le o*;e.$iona*le

$han #i-in# $he% +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ in or!er $o #e$ $he% $o .han#e

$heir *eha-ior0 Onl' $he la$$er i in$en!e! a S&innerian %ani+(la$ion0B($ $ha$ !oen1$ #(aran$ee $ha$ $he for%er ,ill *e har%le0

In o%e .ae/ "Goo! ,or& .olorin# ini!e $he line5)or/ for a

$eena#er/ "Goo! ,or& $a'in# in 'o(r lane5)%a' ;($ *e a ,a' of

.o%%(ni.a$in# infor%a$ion ra$her $han offerin# a -er*al in.en$i-e $o

re+ea$ $he *eha-ior0 B($ ,ha$1 $he infor%a$ion $ha$1 *ein# .o%%(6

ni.a$e!@ We1re no$ ;($ $ellin# $he .hil! ,ha$ he !i! ,e1re $ellin# hi%

,e approve o) ,ha$ he !i!0 Will he ;($ infer $ha$ ,e1re ha++' for hi%/

$ha$ ,e1re ;oinin# hi% in .ele*ra$in# hi a..o%+lih%en$@ Tha$1 $he

*e$6.ae .enario0 B($ i$1 -er' ea' for hi% $o infer fro% a +a$$ern of

ele.$i-e reinfor.e%en$ $ha$ ,e a++ro-e of hi% onl' ,hen he !oe $he

$hin# ,e li&e0 9Loo& ho, e2.i$e! Da! #e$ ,hen I hi$ $he *all 0 0 0 an!

only ,hen I hi$ $he *all0:

Thi/ in $(rn/ of$en %or+h in$o .on!i$ional sel) 6a++ro-al0 The

.hain %i#h$ +ro.ee! a follo,7 9: "I li&e $he ,a' 'o(1-e !one

(.h6an!6(.h5 .an o(n! $o $he .hil! -er' %(.h li&e 9C: "I li&e you

*e.a(e 'o(1-e !one (.h6an!6(.h5)an! $ha$/ in $(rn/ %a' i%+l'

9: "I don0t li&e 'o( ,hen 'o( !on1$ !o (.h6an!6(.h05 The la$

$e+ i for $he .hil! $o feel 9: "I1% no$ li&a*le ,hen I !on1$ !o (.h6

an!6(.h05 If i$ +ro-e $o *e an e2a%+le of .on!i$ional +aren$in#/

$herefore/ +raie .an *e !an#ero( re#ar!le of $he %o$i-e of

$he +raie6#i-er/ an! e-en ,hen $here1 no !eli*era$e a$$e%+$ $o *e

.on$rollin#0 Thi i +ar$i.(6larl' $r(e if o(r +oi$i-e .o%%en$ an!

o$her e2+reion of lo-e are %o$l' reer-e! for $hoe o..aion

,hen $he .hil! !oe o%e$hin# $ha$ +leae (0

Yo( %a' ha-e en.o(n$ere! o%e +eo+le ,ho ee% $o hare $he .on.ern

a*o($ +raie offere! here/ *($ i$1 +oi*le $ha$ all $he'1re reall' o*;e.$6in# $o

i ho, o)ten ,e +raie &i!/ or ho, &i! !on1$ ha-e $o !o %(.h $hee !a' $o

eli.i$ a "Goo! ;o*45 There1 o%e $r($h $o $hi o*er-a$ion/




$o *e (re0 I1-e a.$(all' hear! +aren$ a$ a +la'#ro(n! .hir+/ "Goo!

,in#in#5 $o a $o!!ler0 9For Go!1 a&e/ i$1 #ra-i$'4: B($ I ha-e real .on6

.ern a*o($ $hi o*;e.$ion0 On one le-el/ i$ i%+l' %ie $he +oin$7 Po6

i$i-e reinfor.e%en$ in1$ o*;e.$iona*le ;($ *e.a(e i$1 offere! $oo

fre3(en$l' or $oo eail'0 The i(e are %(.h !ee+er $han $ha$0

On ano$her le-el/ $hi .ri$i.i% ha $he +o$en$ial $o %a&e $hin#

,ore0 So%eone ,ho anno(n.e $ha$ i$1 +oin$le $o #i-e &i! a +a$

on $he hea! for e-er' li$$le $hin# $he' !o ,ill $'+i.all' a!! $ha$ ,e

o(#h$ $o *e %ore ele.$i-e/ %ore !i.ri%ina$in# a*o($ +raiin#),hi.h

%ean $ha$ &i! ho(l! ha-e $o !o %ore $o earn o(r a++ro-al0 An! of

.o(re $ha$ %ean $ha$ o(r +aren$in# ,o(l! *e.o%e e-en %ore

.on!i$ional $han i$ alrea!' i0 Thee .ri$i. are +ro*a*l' .orre.$ $o

o*er-e $ha$ ,hen &i! are +raie! .on$an$l'/ i$ $(rn in$o

*a.&#ro(n! noie an! $he' *arel' e-en hear i$ an'%ore0 To ,hi.h ,e

%i#h$ re+l'7 Goo!4 I$1 ,hen +raie i $i%e! an! +hrae! for %a2i%(%

i%+a.$ $ha$ ,e reall' nee! $o ,orr'0 Tha$1 ,hen 9a$ lea$ fro% $he

.hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,: $he (n.on!i$ionali$' of o(r lo-e i %o$ in !o(*$0

Ba.& in $he / a reear.her in Flori!a na%e! Mar' B(!!

Ro,e ,a in-e$i#a$in# .laroo% $ea.hin# $'le ,hen he

no$i.e! o%e6$hin# in$ere$in#0 8hil!ren ,ho ,ere fre3(en$l'

+raie! *' $heir $ea.h6er ee%e! %ore $en$a$i-e in $heir

re+one0 The' ,ere %ore li&el' $han o$her &i! $o an,er in a

3(e$ionin# $one of -oi.e 9"U%/ +ho6$o'n$hei@5:0 The' ,ere le

li&el' $o hare $heir i!ea ,i$h o$her $(6!en$ or $o $i.& ,i$h a $a&

on.e $he' $ar$e! i$0 An! $he' ,ere a+$ $o *a.& off fro% o%e$hin#

$he' ha! +ro+oe! a oon a $he $ea.her !ia#ree! ,i$h $he%0

Thi $(!' .onfir%e! a $r($h $ha$ ,e .an o*er-e in o(r o,n

ho%e7 8hil!ren1 ene of $heir .o%+e$en.e/ an! +erha+ of $heir

,or$h/ %a' .o%e $o rie or fall a a re(l$ of o(r rea.$ion0 The' loo& $o

(/ fi#(ra$i-el' an! o%e$i%e li$erall'/ $o ee ,he$her ,e a++ro-e of

,ha$ $he'1-e !one0 9I$1 a li$$le li&e $o!!ler ,ho $a&e $heir .(e fro% (

,hen $he' fall !o,n/ ear.hin# o(r fa.e $o ee ,he$her $he'1-e h(r$$he%el-e0 If ,e ee% !i$ra(#h$)"Oh/ %' Go!4 Hone'/ are 'o( all

ri#h$@5)$he'1re %ore li&el' $o *(r$ in$o $ear0:




A a re(l$ of +raie/ .hil!ren *e.o%e le a*le or ,illin# $o

$a&e +ri!e in $heir o,n a..o%+lih%en$)or $o !e.i!e ,ha$ is an

a..o%6+lih%en$0 In e2$re%e .ae/ $he' .an $(rn in$o "+raie

;(n&ie5 ,ho/ e-en a a!(l$/ .on$in(e $o rel' on o$her +eo+le for -ali!a$ion/ feelin# $hrille! or .re$fallen !e+en!in# on ,he$her a

+o(e/ a (+er-ior/ or o%eone ele in ,ho% $he' ha-e -e$e!

+o,er $ell $he% $he'1-e !one a #oo! ;o*0

All 'o(n# .hil!ren ha-e a !ee+ nee! for $heir +aren$1 a++ro-al0

Tha$1 ,h' +raie of$en ",or&5 in $he hor$ r(n $o #e$ $he% $o !o ,ha$

,e ,an$0 B($ ,e ha-e a re+oni*ili$' $o a-oi! e2+loi$in# $heir

!e+en!en.e for o(r o,n .on-enien.e),hi.h i e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e1re

!oin# ,hen ,e #i-e $he% a *i# %ile an! a' $hin# li&e "I reall' li&e

ho, fa$ 'o( #o$ rea!' for .hool $hi %ornin#45 Ki! %a' .o%e $o feel

%ani+(la$e! *' $hi "(#ar6.oa$e! .on$rol/5 e-en if $he' .an1$ 3(i$e

e2+lain ,h'0 B($ ,he$her or no$ $he' .a$.h on an! re*el/ $here1

o%e$hin# !e.i!e!l' !i$a$ef(l a*o($ $he +ra.$i.e0 I$1 no$ all $ha$ !if6

feren$ fro% ,ai$in# (n$il 'o(r .hil! i $hir$' an! $hen #i-in# her ,a$er

onl' af$er he !oe o%e$hin# $o %a&e 'o(r life a li$$le eaier0

Wore/ +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ of$en .rea$e a -i.io( .ir.le $ha$1

re%ini.en$ of ,ha$ ,e fin! ,i$h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al7 The %ore ,e +raie/ $he

%ore o(r .hil!ren nee! $o *e +raie!0 The' ee% ine.(re/ $he' lon# for

ano$her +a$ on $he hea! ,e #i-e i$ $o $he%/ an! $heir lon#in# onl'

in.reae0 8arol D,e.&/ a +'.holo#i$ a$ 8ol(%*ia Uni6-eri$'/ ha !one

o%e +reli%inar' reear.h $ha$ ee% $o %a&e ene of ,ha$1 #oin# on

here0 When ,e offer .o%%en$ $ha$ "i%+l' .on6$in#en$ re#ar! 9an! $h(

+re(%a*l' fo$er feelin# of .on$in#en$ ,or$h 0 0 0:/5 'o(n# .hil!ren $ar$

!i+la'in# i#n of hel+lene0 Po6i$i-e reinfor.e%en$ i a for% of

.on!i$ional lo-e/ an! D,e.& ar#(e $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re a..e+$in# onl'

.on!i$ionall' in1$ ;($ a +ar$i.(lar .hara.$eri$i. or *eha-ior0 Ra$her/ $he

.hil! .o%e $o ee her ",hole elf5 a #oo! onl' ,hen he +leae $he

+aren$0 Tha$1 a +o,erf(l ,a' of underining elf6e$ee%0 The %ore ,e

a' "Goo! ;o*45 $he ,ore $he .hil! .o%e $o feel a*o($ hi%elf/ an! $he

%ore +raie he nee!0

Na$(rall'/ $hi ho(l! %a&e ( &e+$i.al a*o($ an' .lai% $ha$ +raieG I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E



i fine *e.a(e &i! ee% $o ,an$ i$0 If 'o( nee! $o earn %one' an!

$he onl' ;o* a-aila*le i one in-ol-in# re+e$i$i-e/ %in!6n(%*in# la*or/

'o( %a' a..e+$ i$ a a la$ reor$0 B($ $ha$1 no$ an en!ore%en$ of

$hi &in! of ,or&0 I$ ;($ %ean ,e $a&e ,ha$ ,e .an #e$0 Wha$ &i!

reall' nee! i lo-e ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he!0 B($ if all $ha$1 offere!)$he onl' al$erna$i-e $o .ri$i.i% or ne#le.$)i a++ro-al *ae! on ,ha$

$he'1-e !one/ $he'1ll la+ $ha$ (+ an! $hen/ +erha+ -a#(el' (na$ifie!/

.o%e *a.& for %ore0 Sa!l'/ o%e +aren$ ,ho re.ei-e! $oo li$$le

(n.on!i6$ional lo-e ,hen $he' ,ere .hil!ren en! (+ %i!ia#noin# $he

+ro*6le% an! a(%e $ha$ i$ ,a +raie $he' la.&e!0 Then $he' "Goo!

;o*45 $heir o,n .hil!ren $o !ea$h/ en(rin# $ha$ ano$her #enera$ion fail

$o #e$ ,ha$1 reall' nee!e!0

Man' +aren$ ha-e $ol! %e $ha$ $hee i!ea are har! $o hear/

e+e.iall' for $he fir$ $i%e0 I$1 *a! eno(#h for o%eone $o (##e$

$ha$ 'o( %a' *e !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron# ,i$h 'o(r &i!/ *($ i$1

e-en ,ore $o *e $ol! $ha$ $he -er' $hin# 'o( +ri!e! 'o(relf for

!oin# ri#h$)(.h a +raiin# 'o(r .hil!ren o $he'1ll feel #oo!

a*o($ $he%el-e)%a' a.$(all' !o %ore har% $han #oo!0

So%e +eo+le/ I1-e fo(n!/ re+on! *' a&in#/ "Wha$1 $he al$erna6

$i-e@5 Tha$1 a +erfe.$l' reaona*le 3(e$ion/ a lon# a ,e1re e2+lor6

in# al$erna$i-e $o $he ,hole i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in# 9a I1ll !o

la$er: ra$her $han ;($ loo&in# for (+erfi.ial .han#e in ,ha$ ,e a' $o

&i!)a ne,/ i%+ro-e! -erion of +raie0

So%e +eo+le *e.o%e (n.o%for$a*le an! %a&e li$$le ner-o( ;o&e7

"Heh6heh0 I #(e I .an1$ $ell 'o( I li&e! 'o(r *oo&/ ri#h$/ *e.a(e $ha$

,o(l! *e +raiin# 'o(0 Heh6heh6heh05 Tha$1 (n!er$an!a*le0 I$ $a&e a

,hile $o a..e+$ a ne, i!ea/ +ar$i.(larl' one $ha$ in-i$e ( $o re.oni!er

%(.h of ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#/ an! ,ha$ ,e1-e *een a(%in#0 We

ha-e $o #e$ (e! $o i$/ $r' i$ o($/ an! !(rin# $he $rani6$ion +erio! o(r

!i.o%for$ %a' e2+re i$elf in a -arie$' of ,a'0So%e +eo+le ,on!er ,he$her $he i%+li.a$ion i $ha$ $he'1re lo('

+aren$ *e.a(e $he' ha-e lon# relie! on lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e




reinfor.e%en$ 9e-en if $he' ne-er (e! $hoe la*el:0 In %o$

.ae/ $ho(#h/ $he reali$' i ;($ $ha$ no one ha e-er in-i$e! $he%

$o $hin& a*o($ $hin# $hi ,a' *efore/ or +reen$e! $he e-i!en.e $o

.hallen#e all $ha$ (n.ri$i.al a!-i.e ,e .on$an$l' hear $o +raie

.hil!ren %ore or #i-e $he% $i%e6o($0

So%e +eo+le/ ho,e-er/ !on1$ a& for (##e$ion/ or $r' $o *e f(nn'/

or ,orr'0 In$ea!/ $he' *r(h off $hee .ri$i.i%/ +oin$in# o($ 9,i$h o%e

;($ifi.a$ion: $ha$ in $he lar#er .he%e of $hin#/ ,e .o(l! !o a lo$ ,ore

$o o(r &i! $han e2+re en$h(ia% a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one0 In!ee!/ a

lo$ ,ore is !one $o .hil!ren e-er' !a'0 B($ $ha$1 no$ a +ro+er *ai for

.o%+arion)a$ lea$/ no$ for an'one ,ho ,an$ $o *e $he *e$ +aren$ he

or he .an *e0 The +oin$ i $ha$ ,e .an !o *e$$er0

The &el)-Estee Controversy

Lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ .an +ro!(.e a n(%*er of

!i$(r*in# o($.o%e/ fro% a feelin# of hel+lene $o an

(n,illin#ne $o hel+ o$her/ an! 9on.e .hil!ren are #ro,n: fro% a

fear of a*an6!on%en$ $o a reen$%en$ of $heir +aren$0 B($ one re(l$

$ha$ $hrea! i$ ,a' $hro(#h $he (%%arie of reear.h fin!in# in $hi

.ha+$er an! $he +re.e!in# one ha $o !o ,i$h $he ,a' +eo+le

(*;e.$e! $o .on!i6$ional +aren$in# .o%e $o re#ar! $he%el-e0

The ((al $er% for $hi i/ of .o(re/ sel)-estee, ,hi.h ha *een

o%e$hin# of a *(,or! o-er $he la$ fe, !e.a!e0 Before ,ra++in# (+

$hi .ha+$er/ I ,an$ $o +en! a fe, +a#e +arin# $hi .on.e+$ *e.a(e

i$1 3(i$e rele-an$ $o $he i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0 A n(%6*er of +eo+le

in $he fiel! of +'.holo#' an! e!(.a$ion/ an! e+e.iall' $hoe ,ho are

ao.ia$e! ,i$h ,ha$ ha *een .alle! $he elf6hel+ %o-e6%en$/ ee% $o

*elie-e $ha$ hi#h elf6e$ee% i #oo!/ lo, i *a!/ an! $ha$ *' raiin#

o%eone1 le-el of elf6e$ee% ,e a($o%a$i.all' *rin# a*o($ a ran#e of

*enefi.ial effe.$7 a.a!e%i. a.hie-e%en$/ .on$r(.6$i-e life .hoi.e/ an!

o on0 On $he o$her han!/ elf6e$ee% ha *e.o%e a li#h$nin# ro! for

o.ial .oner-a$i-e/ a hor$han! for e-er'$hin# $he'




ee a %i#(i!e! a*o($ o(r o.ie$' an! +ar$i.(larl' o(r .hool0

M' o,n -ie, i $ha$ $here are real +ro*le% ,i$h *o$h +oi$ion0 I

.on!(.$e! a fairl' e2$eni-e re-ie, of $he reear.h a fe, 'ear *a.&

an! !i.o-ere!/ o%e,ha$ $o %' (r+rie/ $ha$ hi#her elf6e$ee%

in1$ al,a' a..o%+anie! *' *e$$er o($.o%e an! $ha$ e-en ,hen i$i/ $hi !oen1$ %ean i$ caused $hoe *e$$er o($.o%e0

B($ $ha$ !oen1$ lea-e %e in $he .a%+ of $he "an$i6elf6e$ee%er/5

,ho are .on$e%+$(o( of $he ,hole .on.e+$0 So%e of $he% $a&e $hi

-ie, *e.a(e $he' *elie-e $ha$ if .hil!ren are *ai.all' ha++' ,i$h

$he%el-e/ $he'1ll ha-e no %o$i-a$ion $o a.hie-e an'$hin#0 If $heir

a$$en$ion i fo.(e! on $he -al(e of ,ho $he' are/ ra$her $han on ,ha$

$he' !o/ $hen $he' +ro*a*l' ,on1$ !o -er' %(.h0 Yo( ha-e $o feel !i6

a$ifie! in or!er $o learn or +ro!(.e0 No +ain/ no #ain0

Thi +ro+oi$ion re$ on e-eral fa(l$' +re%ie/ ,hi.h I1ll +ell

o($ in .ha+$er 0 For $he %o%en$/ $ho(#h/ I ,an$ $o .all a$$en$ion $o $he

fa.$ $ha$/ ,hile %an' of $hee .ri$i. .lai% $ha$ hi#her elf6e$ee%

!oen1$ +ro!(.e an' *enefi$/ $he .ore of $heir ar#(%en$ i reall' $ha$

i$1 ;($ a *a! $hin#/ re#ar!le of i$ effe.$0 For $he%/ $he na$ie$

+o6i*le e+i$he$ i )eel-good, (##e$in# $ha$ $he' *elie-e $here i

o%e$hin# f(n!a%en$all' (+e.$ a*o($ *ein# +leae! ,i$h oneelf0

L(r&in# ;($ *elo, $he (rfa.e of $heir +ole%i. i $he fear $ha$

.hil!ren %a' en! (+ *ein# .on$en$ ,i$ho($ ha-in# earne! $he ri#h$ $o

feel $ha$ ,a'0 Here ,e ha-e lef$ $he ,orl! of e-i!en.e an! en$ere!

9$hro(#h $he *a.& !oor: $he real% of %orali$i. fir$ +rin.i+le0 I$ i a

+la.e of +(ri$ani.al fer6-or/ ,here +eo+le ho(l! no$ *e +er%i$$e! $o

ea$ e2.e+$ *' $he ,ea$ of $heir *ro, an! .hil!ren %($ no$ $hin& ,ell

of $he%el-e (n$il $he' .an +oin$ $o o%e $an#i*le a..o%+lih%en$0

In o$her ,or!/ ,ha$ $he .oner-a$i-e are a$$a.&in# i reall'

unconditional elf6e$ee%0 Ye$ reear.her are .o%in# $o realie $ha$ i$1

+re.iel' $hi !i%enion $ha$ i .ri$i.al $o +re!i.$in# $he 3(ali$' of +eo+le1

li-e0 If ,e1re in$ere$e! in o%eone1 %en$al heal$h/ $he rel6e-an$

3(e$ion %a' no$ *e ho, %(.h elf6e$ee% he ha0 Ra$her/ i$1 ho,%(.h her elf6e$ee% varies !e+en!in# on ,ha$1 #oin# on in her life)for

e2a%+le/ ho, (..ef(l he i or ,ha$ o$her +eo+le $hin& of




her0 The real +ro*le% %a' no$ *e elf6e$ee% $ha$1 $oo lo, 9"I

!on1$ feel -er' #oo! a*o($ %'elf5:/ *($ elf6e$ee% $ha$1 $oo

.on$in#en$ 9"I feel #oo! a*o($ %'elf onl' ,hen 0 0 05:0J

E!,ar! De.i an! Ri.har! R'an/ $,o reear.h +'.holo#i$ ,hoha-e (n!er.ore! $he i%+or$an.e of $hi !i$in.$ion/ a.&no,le!#e $ha$

e-en +eo+le ,i$h o%e$hin# .loe $o "$r(e5)or (n.on!i$ional)elf6

e$ee% ",o(l! +ro*a*l' feel +leae! or e2.i$e! ,hen $he' (..ee!

an! !ia++oin$e! ,hen $he' fail0 B($ $heir feelin# of ,or$h a +eo+le

,o(l! no$ fl(.$(a$e a a f(n.$ion of $hoe a..o%+lih%en$/ o $he'

,o(l! no$ feel a##ran!ie! an! (+erior ,hen $he' (..ee! or

!e+ree! an! ,or$hle ,hen $he' fail05

Tha$ e2$re%e fl(.$(a$ion i onl' $he *e#innin# of $he

.one3(en.e of *ain# one1 ene of ,or$h on li-in# (+ $o a e$ of

e2+e.$a$ion/ ei$her o$her +eo+le1 or one1 o,n0 A *ran!6ne, $(!'

fin! $ha$ .on6$in#en$ elf6e$ee% i rela$e! $o "a #rea$er li&elihoo! of

!rin&in# a a %ean of #ainin# o.ial a++ro-al or a-oi!in# o.ial

re;e.$ion5 a%on# .olle#e $(!en$0 O$her reear.h lin& i$ $o an2ie$'/

ho$ili$'/ an! !efen6i-ene0 S(.h +eo+le %a' lah o($ ,hen $heir

elf6e$ee% i $hrea$6ene!/ ,hi.h .an ha++en re#(larl'0 Or $he' %a'

*e.o%e !e+ree! an! $a&e ref(#e in elf6!e$r(.$i-e *eha-ior0 If

$he' feel #oo! a*o($ $he%6el-e onl' ,hen $he' $hin& $he' look #oo!/

$he' *e.o%e (.e+$i*le $o ea$in# !ior!er0C

B' .on$ra$/ (n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee%/ $he -er' or$ $ha$1 %o$ li&el'

$o *e ri!i.(le! in o%e 3(ar$er/ $(rn o($ $o *e $he *e$ #oal $o hoo$

for0C Peo+le ,ho/ a a r(le/ !on1$ $hin& $heir -al(e hin#e on $heir

+erfor%an.e are %ore li&el' $o ee fail(re a ;($ a $e%+orar' e$*a.&/ a

+ro*le% $o *e ol-e!0 The' alo ee% le li&el' $o *e an2io( or

!e+ree!0CC An! one %ore $hin#7 The'1re le li&el' $o *e .on.erne!

a*o($ $he ,hole i(e of elf6e$ee%4 S+en!in# $i%e e-al(a$in# ho, #oo!

'o( are/ or !eli*era$el' $r'in# $o feel *e$$er a*o($ 'o(relf/ no$ onl'

!oen1$ $en! $o ,or& -er' ,ell/ *($ %a' *e a *a! i#n0 I$1 a %ar&er for o$her +ro*le%)+e.ifi.all'/ an in!i.a$ion $ha$ 'o(r elf6,or$h i

-(lnera*le an! .on$in#en$0 "Th(/ a +ara!o2 of elf6e$ee%7 If 'o( nee! i$/

'o( !on1$ ha-e i$/ an! if 'o( ha-e i$/ 'o( !on1$ nee! i$05C




TOO MU8H 8ONTROL

One re.en$ af$ernoon/ %' ,ife ,al&e! in $he !oor ,i$h o(r .hil6!ren/

freh fro% a $ri+ $o $he +ar&0 She ,a ha&in# her hea! an! +($$erin#7 "I

.an1$ believe $he ,a' o%e of $hoe +aren$ $al& $o $heir &i!)o

!e#ra!in# an! ho$ile0 Wh' !o $he' e-en *o$her $o have &i!@5 Ha-in#

rea.$e! $he a%e ,a' %'elf %ore $han on.e/ I !e.i!e! $o *e#in ,ri$in#

!o,n o%e of ,ha$ ,e hear! an! a, aro(n! $o,n0 Wi$hin a fe, !a'/ I

ha! re.or!e! $hee in.i!en$/ a%on# %an' o$her7

• A $o!!ler ,a harhl' re+ri%an!e! for $hro,in# a $(ffe!

*ear in $he .hil!ren1 area of $he +(*li. li*rar'/ e-en $ho(#h

no one ele ,a in $he -i.ini$'0

• A .hil! ,ho ha! *een a&in# for a .oo&ie in $he (+er%ar&e$

no$i.e! $ha$ ano$her li$$le *o' ,a ea$in# one0 When he

+oin$e! $hi o($ $o hi %o$her/ he $ol! hi%/ "Well/ $ha$1

+ro*a*l' *e.a(e he (e $he +o$$'05

• A li$$le *o' #a-e a lo(! ,hoo+ of !eli#h$ ,hile ;(%+in# off a

+la'#ro(n! ,in#/ an! hi %o$her hie!/ "S$o+ $ha$ foolih6

ne ri#h$ no,4 No %ore ,in# for 'o( $o!a'0 On.e %ore

an! 'o( #o on $i%e6o($05

• A$ $he ,a$er $a*le in $he .hil!ren1 %(e(%/ a %o$her $rie! $o



TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L

+re-en$ her 'o(n# on fro% !oin# -ario( $hin# *' falel'

.lai%in# $ha$ i#n +o$e! in $he area +e.ifi.all' +rohi*i$e!

,ha$e-er he ,a (+ $o)for e2a%+le/ "Tha$ i#n a' no$ $o

+lah05 When he a&e! ,h'/ he re+lie!/ "I$ ;($ !oe05

I #a-e (+ %' no$e6$a&in# +ro;e.$ *efore lon#0 A+ar$ fro% $he heer

n(%*er of $hee in.i!en$/ $he' ,ere fairl' i%ilar $o one ano$her/ an!

re.or!in# $he% 3(i.&l' .a%e $o ee% re!(n!an$/ no$ $o %en$ion

!e+rein#0 O-er an! o-er/ ,e ,i$nee! +aren$ on $he +la'#ro(n!

a*r(+$l' anno(n.in# i$ ,a $i%e $o #o/ o%e$i%e e-en #ra**in# $he

.hil! *' $he ar%0 9If he .rie!/ $hi ,a ((all' a$$ri*($e! $o her *ein#

"$ire!05: We ,a$.he! +aren$ !oin# an (n,i$$in# i%i$a$ion of an ar%'

er#ean$ in$i%i!a$in# hi $roo+/ noe $o noe/ fin#er $a**in# $he air

onl' in.he fro% $he .hil!1 fa.e/ hollerin#0 An! ho, of$en a$ re$a(6

ran$ ha! ,e een +aren$ f(in# a$ $heir &i!).orre.$in# $heir %an6

ner/ re+ri%an!in# $he% a*o($ $heir +o$(re/ .o%%en$in# on ,ha$

9an! ho, %(.h: $he' ,ere ea$in#/ an! #enerall' %a&in# !inner$i%e

o%e$hin# fro% ,hi.h $he .hil!ren .o(l!n1$ ,ai$ $o e.a+e0 9No ,on6

!er o %an' &i! aren1$ h(n#r' !(rin# fa%il' %eal/ *($ !e-elo+ an

a++e$i$e a hor$ $i%e la$er0:

Le$ %e a(re 'o( $ha$ I ,a a lo$ %ore ;(!#%en$al *efore I

ha! .hil!ren of %' o,n0 Un$il 'o(1-e +(he! 'o(r o,n $roller/ 'o(

!on1$ reall' (n!er$an! ho, +eo+le $hi $in' .an %ana#e $o +(h

'o(r *($6$on an! a+ 'o(r +a$ien.e0 9Of .o(re/ nei$her are 'o(

a*le $o a++re6.ia$e $he $ran.en!en$ %o%en$ of !eli#h$ $he' .an

+ro-i!e0: Tha$1 o%e$hin# I $r' har! $o &ee+ in %in! ,hen I ,in.e

a$ ano$her +aren$1 *eha-ior0 An! I re%in! %'elf $ha$ I1% i#noran$

a*o($ $he hi$or' of ea.h fa%il' I1-e o*er-e! for a fe, %in($e)

,ha$ $he +aren$ %i#h$ ha-e *een $hro(#h $ha$ %ornin# an! ,ha$

$he .hil! !i! ;($ *efore I ha++ene! on $he .ene0

S$ill0 De+i$e all $he allo,an.e ,e .are $o %a&e/ an! all $he 3(al6

ifi.a$ion ,e %i#h$ ,an$ $o offer/ $here1 a #eneral $r($h here7 For e-er'

e2a%+le of a .hil! ,ho i +er%i$$e! $o r(n ,il! in a +(*li. +la.e/ $here are

h(n!re! of e2a%+le of .hil!ren *ein# re$ri.$e! (nne.earil'/




'elle! a$/ $hrea$ene!/ or *(llie! *' $heir +aren$ .hil!ren ,hoe

+ro$e$ are ro($inel' i#nore! an! ,hoe 3(e$ion are !i%ie!

o($ of han! .hil!ren ,ho ha-e *e.o%e a..($o%e! $o hearin# an

a($o6%a$i. "No45 in re+one $o $heir re3(e$/ an! a "Be.a(e Iai! o45 if $he' a& for a reaon0

Don1$ $a&e %' ,or! for i$0 Pre$en! 'o(1re an an$hro+olo#i$ an!

reall' ,a$.h ,ha$1 ha++enin# $he ne2$ $i%e 'o(1re a$ a +la'#ro(n!

or a ho++in# %all or a *ir$h!a' +ar$'0 Yo( ,on1$ ee an'$hin# 'o(

ha-en1$ een *efore/ *($ 'o( %a' *e#in $o no$i.e !e$ail $o ,hi.h

'o( ha!n1$ reall' +ai! a$$en$ion0 8er$ain #eneralia$ion a*o($ ,ha$

'o(1re ,i$nein# %a' (##e$ $he%el-e0 B($ *e,are7 I$1 no$

al,a' +lea6an$ $o *e.o%e %ore eni$ie! $o ,ha$1 aro(n! 'o(0

Wa$.h $oo .are6f(ll' an! +re$$' oon a !a' a$ $he +ar& i no !a' a$

$he +ar&0 A one 8alifornia %o$her ,ro$e $o %e7

Ha-e 'o( *een $o $he #ro.er' $ore la$el'@ I$ ha *e.o%e %ore

+ainf(l $han i$1 e-er *een4 =Wa$.hin#> +aren$ (e *ri*e/

h(%ilia$ion/ +(nih%en$/ re,ar!/ an! #enerall' a*(i-e $a.$i. i

al%o$ (n*eara*le0 Wha$1 ha++ene! $o %' lo-el' %en$al

*lo.&@ 0 0 0 E-er' "If 'o( !on1$ e$$le !o,n/ ,e1re ne-er .o%in# $o

$he $ore a#ain45 an! "If 'o( $o+ .rea%in#/ ,e1ll #o for i.e

.rea%/ ,ee$ie45 $hrea$en $o (ffo.a$e %e0 Ho,/ I ,on!er/ !i! I

%ana#e $o $(ne i$ o($ *efore@

*

Thin& a#ain a*o($ $he -ario( $e.hni3(e of .on!i$ional +aren$in#

!e.ri*e! in $he la$ $,o .ha+$er0 One reaon $he'1re o har%f(l

ha $o !o ,i$h $he .hil!1 e2+erien.e of feelin# .on$rolle!0 An! i$

,or& $he o$her ,a' aro(n!/ $oo7 When ,e (e +(nih%en$ an!

re,ar! an! o$her $ra$e#ie $o %ani+(la$e .hil!ren1 *eha-ior/

$he' %a' .o%e $o feel $he'1re lo-e! onl' ,hen $he' .onfor% $o o(r !e%an!0 8on!i6$ional +aren$in# .an *e $he .one3(en.e of

.on$rol e-en if i$ ,an1$ $he in$en$ion/ an!/ .on-erel'/ .on$rol .an

hel+ $o e2+lain $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0




B($ e2.ei-e .on$rol i a +ro*le% in i$ o,n ri#h$/ ,hi.h i ,h' i$

%eri$ i$ o,n .ha+$er0 An! i$1 no$ li%i$e! $o an' +e.ifi. for% of

!i.i+line/ $o a $i%e6o($ or a $ar .har$/ a +an&in# or a "Goo! ;o*/5 a

+ri-ile#e !an#le! or a +ri-ile#e na$.he! a,a'0 Re+la.in# one %e$ho!,i$h ano$her ,on1$ ha-e %(.h effe.$ if ,e fail $o #ra++le ,i$h $hi

*ai. fa.$7 The doinant proble %ith parenting in our society isn0t

perissiveness, but the )ear o) perissiveness. We1re o ,orrie!

a*o($ +oilin# &i! $ha$ ,e of$en en! (+ o-er.on$rollin# $he%0

Gran$e!/ o%e &i! are +oile!)an! o%e &i! are ne#le.$e!0

B($ $he i(e $ha$1 %(.h le .o%%onl' !i.(e! i $he e+i!e%i. of

%i.ro%ana#in# .hil!ren/ a.$in# a $ho(#h $he' ,ere ,holl' o,ne!

(*i!iarie of (0 Th(/ one .ri$i.al 3(e$ion/ $o ,hi.h I1ll re$(rn la$er/

i ho, ,e .an offer #(i!an.e an! e$ li%i$ 9*o$h of ,hi.h are ne.e6

ar': ,i$ho($ o-er!oin# $he .on$rol0 Fir$/ $ho(#h/ ,e ha-e $o *e .lear

a*o($ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e %a' in!ee! *e o-er!oin# i$/ an! ,h'

$ha$1 a $e%+$a$ion ,e nee! $o rei$0

The ,a' %an' &i! are $rea$e! (##e$ a la.& of re+e.$ for $heir

nee! an! +referen.e)in fa.$/ a la.& of re+e.$ for .hil!ren/ +erio!0

A lo$ of +aren$ a.$ a $ho(#h $he' *elie-e $ha$ &i! !on1$ deserve

re+e.$ in $he ,a' a!(l$ !o0 Man' 'ear a#o/ $he +'.holo#i$ Hai%

Gino$$ in-i$e! ( $o .oni!er $he ,a' ,e %i#h$ rea.$ if o(r .hil! a..i6

!en$all' lef$ *ehin! o%e i$e% $ha$ *elon#e! $o hi% or her)an! $hen

$o .on$ra$ $ha$ ,i$h $he ,a' ,e %i#h$ rea.$ if a .hroni.all' for#e$6f(l

frien! of o(r !i! $he a%e $hin#0 Fe, of ( ,o(l! $hin& of *era$6in#

ano$her a!(l$ in $he $one $ha$ i ro($inel' (e! ,i$h &i!7 "Wha$ i $he

atter ,i$h 'o(@ Ho, %an' $i%e !o I ha-e $o re%in! 'o( $o loo&

aro(n! for all 'o(r $hin# *efore 'o( lea-e@ Do 'o( $hin& I ha-e

no$hin# *e$$er $o !o $han 0 0 05 an! o on0 Wi$h an a!(l$/ ,e1! *e %ore

li&el' $o a'/ i%+l'/ "Here1 'o(r (%*rella05

So%e +aren$ in$erfere *' for.e of ha*i$/ *ar&in# o($ "S$o+ r(n6nin#45

e-en ,hen $here1 li$$le ri& of in;(r' $o +eron or +ro+er$'0 So%e a.$ a

$ho(#h $he'1re $r'in# $o r(* a .hil!1 fa.e in hi o,n +o,erle6ne an!

ho, hi% ,ho1 *o0 9"Be.a(e I1% $he %o%%'/ $ha$1 ,h'45 "M' ho(e/

%' r(le45: So%e $r' $o .on$rol .hil!ren ,i$h +h'i.al for.e/




,hile o$her +refer #(il$ 9"Af$er all I1-e !one for 'o(4 Yo(1re *rea&in# %'

hear$0 0 0 05:0 So%e +aren$ na# &i! .on$in(o(l'/ e%i$$in# a $ea!' h(%

of re%in!er an! .ri$i.i%0 O$her #i-e no e-i!en.e of o*;e.$in# $o ,ha$

$heir .hil!ren are !oin# (n$il/ ee%in#l' o($ of no,here/ $he' e2+lo!e anin-ii*le $ri+,ire ha *een .roe!),hi.h %a' ha-e %ore $o !o ,i$h $he

a!(l$1 %oo! $han ,i$h $he .hil!1 *eha-ior)an! (!6!enl' $he +aren$

*e.o%e f(rio( an! fri#h$enin#l' .oer.i-e0

O*-io(l'/ no$ all +aren$ !o all $hee $hin#/ an! o%e ne-er !o an'

of $he%0 S$(!ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ .hil!6rearin# *elief an! *eha-6ior

$en! $o -ar' on $he *ai of .(l$(re/ .la/ ra.e/ an! ho, %(.h +re(re

$he +aren$ $he%el-e are e2+erien.in#/ a%on# o$her fa.$or0 9See $he

A++en!i2 for %ore on $hee $o+i.0: Reear.her alo a(re ( $ha$

%o$ +aren$ !on1$ (e a in#le !i.i+line $'le a.ro $he *oar! $he'

$en! $o re+on! !ifferen$l' $o !ifferen$ &in! of %i*eha-ior0C

B($ +erha+ $he %ore in$ere$in# 3(e$ion i ho, +aren$ .o%e $o

!e.i!e ,ha$ .on$i$($e "%i*eha-ior5 in $he fir$ +la.e0 So%e re#(6

larl' a++l' $ha$ .on.e+$ $o ,ha$ 'o( or I ,o(l! re#ar! a inno.(o(

a.$ion)an! $hen .ra.& !o,n on $heir .hil!ren0 Thi %a' *e +ar$ of

,ha$ i o%e$i%e .alle! an "a($hori$arian5 $'le of raiin# &i!0 S(.h

+aren$ are %ore $ri.$ an! !e%an!in# $han $he' are a..e+$in# an!

en.o(ra#in#0 The' rarel' offer e2+lana$ion or ;($ifi.a$ion for $he

r(le $he' i%+oe0 The' no$ onl' e2+e.$ a*ol($e o*e!ien.e/ an! (e

+(nih%en$ freel' $o o*$ain i$/ *($ alo *elie-e i$1 %ore i%+or$an$ for

.hil!ren $o .o%+l' ,i$h a($hori$' $han $o $hin& for $he%el-e or

e2+re $heir o+inion0 The' ini$ $ha$ &i! nee! $o *e .aref(ll' %on6

i$ore!/ an! ,hen a r(le i *ro&en),hi.h ;($ .onfir% $heir !ar& (6

+i.ion a*o($ ,ha$ .hil!ren are reall' li&e)a($hori$arian +aren$ $en!

$o a(%e $he .hil! !eli*era$el' .hoe $o *rea& i$/ irre+e.$i-e of hi or

her a#e/ an! no, %($ *e hel! a..o(n$a*le0

Di$(r*in#l'/ $hee a%e $he%e of "(*er-ien.e $o $he !e%an!

of $he +aren$ an! 0 0 0 an earl' (++reion of i%+(le no$ a..e+$6

a*le $o $he%5 ho, (+ in a .lai. +o$QWorl! War II reear.h +ro;6e.$

$ha$ ,a !ei#ne! $o e2+lore $he +'.holo#i.al (n!er+innin# of

fa.i% an!/ in +ar$i.(lar/ $he .hil!hoo! of in!i-i!(al ,ho #ro, (+




ha$in# ,hole #ro(+ of +eo+le an! ee% $o *e infa$(a$e! ,i$h +o,er0

Of .o(re/ $hi re+reen$ $he o($er e!#e of $he .on$rol +e.$r(%0

I$1 na$(ral/ (+on hearin# a*o($ (.h e2$re%e .ae/ $o a'/ "Well/

o*-io(l' $ha$ !oen1$ !e.ri*e %e0 I1% no$ an a($hori$arian/ nor ,o(l! I .rea% a$ %' .hil! on $he +la'#ro(n! for ha-in# a #oo!

$i%e05 B($ al%o$ e-er'one #i-e in $o $he i%+(le $o o-er.on$rol/

a$ lea$ on o..aion0 So%e !o o a a re(l$ of $heir .on-i.$ion $ha$

.hil6!ren %($ learn $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! 9an!/ af$er all/ a!(l$

&no, *e$$er $han &i!/ !on1$ $he'@:0 So%e +eo+le ha-e .on$rollin#

+eron6ali$ie an! !e-elo+e! $he ha*i$ of i%+oin# $heir ,ill on

$heir .hil!ren a$ $he -er' *e#innin#0 O$her ;($ *e.o%e !e+era$eno, an! $hen/ +ar$i.(larl' in re+one $o a .hil!1 a.$ of !efian.e0

An! %an' +aren$ are $r(l' .on.erne! a*o($ $heir .hil!ren1 ,ell6

*ein# *($ ha-e ne-er .oni!ere! $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ ,ha$ $he'1-e

*een !oin# .on$i$($e e2.ei-e an! .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e .on$rol0

I$1 ea' for %o$ of ( $o o*er-e Ba! Paren$in# on Para!e/ $o

,a$.h +eo+le ,ho are %(.h %ore .on$rollin# $han ,e are/ an! $o

$a&e .o%for$ fro% a'in#/ "A$ lea$ I1! ne-er !o $ha$05 B($ $he real

.hal6len#e i $o refle.$ on $he $hin# ,e have *een &no,n $o !o

an! a& ,he$her $he'1re reall' in o(r .hil!ren1 *e$ in$ere$0

Which ids Do What They0re Told9

Le$1 +($ ai!e for $he %o%en$ $he a%*i$io( #oal ,e ha-e for o(r

.hil!ren an! ;($ fo.( on ,ha$ lea! $he% $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r re3(e$0 If

all ,e .are! a*o($ ,a #e$$in# $he% $o !o o%e$hin#/ or $o $o+ !oin#

o%e$hin#/ ri#h$ no,/ ,hile ,e1re $an!in# $here/ $hen ,e1! ha-e $o a!%i$

$ha$ i$ o%e$i%e ,or& $o (e o(r +o,er $o .oer.e $ha$ *eha-ior)for

e2a%+le/ *' $hrea$enin#/ +(nihin#/ or lo(!l' !e%an!in#0 B($ onl'

o%e$i%e0 On *alan.e/ $he &i! ,ho !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! are li&el' $o *e

$hoe ,hoe +aren$ don0t rel' on +o,er an! in$ea! ha-e !e-elo+e! a

,ar% an! e.(re rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he%0 The' ha-e +aren$ ,ho $rea$

$he% ,i$h re+e.$/ %ini%ie $he (e of




.on$rol/ an! %a&e a +oin$ of offerin# reaon an! e2+lana$ion for

,ha$ $he' a&0

The reear.her in one .lai. $(!' *e#an *' !i$in#(ihin#

*e$,een $he or$ of +aren$ ,ho i eni$i-e/ a..e+$in#/ an!.oo+era$i-e/ an! $he or$ ,ho a(%e "he ha a +erfe.$ ri#h$ $o !o

,i$h =her .hil!> ,ha$ he ,ihe/ i%+oin# her ,ill on hi/ ha+in# hi%

$o her $an!ar!/ an! in$err(+$in# hi% ar*i$raril' ,i$ho($ re#ar! for hi

nee!/ ,ihe/ or a.$i-i$'6in6+ro#re05 Lo an! *ehol!/ i$ ,a $he

%o$her in $he fir$ .a$6e#or')$hoe ,ho ,ere le .on$rollin#)

,hoe -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren ,ere li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he' ,ere $ol!0

In a e.on! $(!'/ $he $,o6'ear6ol! ,ho ,ere %o$ li&el' $o .o%6

+l' ,i$h a +e.ifi. re3(e$ $(rne! o($ $o *e $hoe ,hoe +aren$ ",ere

-er' .lear a*o($ ,ha$ $he' ,an$e!/ *($ in a!!i$ion $o li$enin# $o $heir

.hil!ren1 o*;e.$ion/ $he' alo a..o%%o!a$e! $he% in ,a' $ha$ .on6

-e'e! re+e.$ for $he .hil!ren1 a($ono%' an! in!i-i!(ali$'05J

A $hir! $(!' raie! $he $a&e a *i$ *' fo.(in# on +re.hooler ,ho

ha! *een i!en$ifie! a (n((all' !efian$0 So%e of $heir %o$her ,ere

a&e! $o +la' ,i$h $he% a $he' ((all' !i!/ ,hile o$her ,ere $raine! $o

"en#a#e in an' a.$i-i$' $ha$ $he .hil! %i#h$ .hooe an! $o allo, $he .hil!

$o .on$rol $he na$(re an! r(le of $he in$era.$ion05 The' ,ere a&e! $o

refrain fro% .o%%an!in#/ .ri$i.iin#/ or +raiin#0 9No$i.e $ha$ +raiin# ,a

in.l(!e! alon#i!e o$her for% of %ani+(la$ion0: Af$er $he +la' eion/

$he %o$her/ a$ $he re3(e$ of $he e2+eri%en$er/ i(e! a erie of

.o%%an! $o $heir .hil!ren ha-in# $o !o ,i$h +($$in# a,a' ea.h of $he

$o'0 The re(l$7 8hil!ren ,ho ha! *een (*;e.$ $o le .on6$rol)$ha$ i/

$hoe ,ho ha! *een #i-en %ore a' a*o($ ho, $o +la') ,ere %ore li&el'

$o follo, $heir %o$her1 in$r(.$ion0

S$ri&in# a $hee e2+eri%en$al re(l$ are/ $he +ro*le% ,i$h $ra6

!i$ional/ .on$rol6*ae! !i.i+line *e.o%e e-en .learer on.e ,e loo& a$

,ha$ &i! !o a)ter the adult leaves the roo. One reear.her ,on!ere!

no$ onl' ,hi.h $o!!ler ,o(l! *e li&el' $o .o%+l' ,i$h a re3(e$ $o !o

o%e$hin# 9.lean (+:/ *($ alo ,hi.h one ,o(l! .o%+l' ,i$h a re3(e$

not $o !o o%e$hin# 9na%el'/ +la' ,i$h .er$ain $o': on.e $he' ,ere lef$

alone0 Bo$h 3(e$ion ha! $he a%e an,er7 The &i! ,ho




$oe! $he line ,ere $hoe ,hoe %o$her ,ere #enerall' (++or$i-e

an! ,ar%/ an! ,ho $en!e! $o a-oi! for.ef(l .on$rol0

The e-i!en.e #oe on an! on0 One +air of +'.holo#i$ loo&e! a$

,ha$ +ro%o$e .hil!ren1 ,holehear$e!/ ".o%%i$$e!5 .o%+lian.e/ ao++oe! $o $he %ore rel(.$an$ "i$(a$ional5 &in!0 Ano$her +air ,an$e!

$o &no, ,ha$ lea! a .hil! $o follo, $he !ire.$ion of an a!(l$ ,ho i

no$ her %o$her or fa$her0 In *o$h .ae/ $he re(l$ ,ere *e$6$er ,hen

.hil!ren ,ere raie! *' +aren$ ,ho ,ere re+e.$f(l an! re+oni-e

ra$her $han *' $hoe ,ho e%+haie! .on$rol0

One reaon $ha$ a hea-'6han!e!/ !o6,ha$6I6a' a++roa.h $en! no$

$o ,or& -er' ,ell i $ha$/ in $he final anal'i/ ,e reall' can0t .on6$rol o(r

&i!)a$ lea$/ no$ in $he ,a' $ha$ %a$$er0 I$1 -er' !iffi.(l$ $o %a&e a .hil!

ea$ $hi foo! ra$her $han $ha$ one/ or +ee here ra$her $han $here/ an! i$1

i%+l' i%+oi*le $o for.e a .hil! $o #o $o lee+/ or $o+ .r'in#/ or li$en/

or re+e.$ (0 Thee are $he i(e $ha$ are %o$ $r'in# $o +aren$

+re.iel' *e.a(e i$1 here $ha$ ,e r(n (+ a#ain$ $he inheren$ li%i$ of

,ha$ one h(%an *ein# .an .o%+el ano$her h(%an *ein# $o !o0

Par$i.(larl' ,i$h infan$/ an! $hen a#ain ,i$h a!ole.en$/ $he #oal of

.on$rol (l$i%a$el' +ro-e $o *e an ill(ion0C Sa!l'/ $ho(#h/ $ha$ !oen1$

$o+ ( fro% $r'in# ne,er/ .le-erer/ or %ore for.ef(l $ra$e#ie $o #e$ &i!

$o .o%+l'0 An! ,hen $hee $e.hni3(e fail/ $ha$1 of$en $a&en a e-i!en.e

$ha$ ,ha$1 nee!e! i 0 0 0 %ore of $he a%e0

<pposite Extrees

There1 o%e$hin# +ara!o2i.al a*o($ $he fa.$ $ha$ i$1 $hoe

+aren$ ,ho are %o$ .on.erne! a*o($ .on$rollin# $heir .hil!ren

,ho %a' en! (+ ha-in# $he lea$ .on$rol o-er $he%0 B($ $ha$1 no$

$he en! of $he $or'0 Far %ore i#nifi.an$ i $he fa.$ $ha$ $hi +o,er6

*ae! a++roa.h in1$ ;($ ineffe.$i-e)i$1 alo $erri*l' !a%a#in#/

e-en ,hen i$ a++ear $o ,or&0 A $he la$e Tho%a Gor!on/ ,ho

.rea$e! Paren$ Effe.$i-e6ne Trainin#/ on.e re%ar&e! $o %e/

"A($o.ra$i. en-iron%en$ %a&e +eo+le i.&05




Of .o(re/ +eo+le !on1$ all #e$ i.& in $he a%e ,a'0

P'.ho$hera6+i$ ha-e lon# realie! $ha$ a in#le (n!erl'in#

.a(e .an lea! $o +a$6$ern of re(l$ $ha$ are -er' !ifferen$ fro%

one ano$her0 For e2a%+le/ o%e +eo+le ,ho ha-e !o(*$ a*o($$heir o,n ,or$h are .on$an$l' +($$in# $he%el-e !o,n an! a.$in#

ine.(re0 B($ o$her +eo+le ,i$h $he a%e !o(*$ .o%e a.ro a

arro#an$ an! elf6.on#ra$(la$or'7 The' ee% $o *e $r'in# $o

.o%+ena$e for lo, elf6e$ee% ,i$h #ran!ioi$'0 Th(/ $,o

a++aren$l' o++oi$e +eronali$ie %a' hare a .o%%on roo$0

So i$ i ,hen +aren$ ini$ on a*ol($e .on$rol0 So%e of $hee

.hil6!ren *e.o%e excessively copliant, an! o$her *e.o%e

excessively de)iant. Le$1 .oni!er ea.h of $hee rea.$ion in $(rn0

Man' +aren$ !rea% of ha-in# &i! ,ho al,a' !o ,ha$ $he'1re

$ol!/ *($ a I +oin$e! o($ in $he In$ro!(.$ion/ i$1 a.$(all' no$ a #oo!

i#n ,hen .hil!ren are .o,e! in$o o*e!ien.e0 We %a&e f(n of

,ha$ (e! $o *e .alle! "'e6%en5 in $he offi.e/ $hoe !eferen$ial

e%+lo'ee ,ho ne-er !ia#ree ,i$h $he *o/ o ,ha$ %a&e (

$hin& $ha$ "'e6.hil!ren5 ,o(l! *e i!eal@

In J/ $he ;o(rnal Child Developent +(*lihe! one of $he

fir$ reear.h $(!ie on $hi (*;e.$/ ,hi.h fo(n! $ha$ +re.hool6

a#e .hil6!ren of .on$rollin# +aren$ $en!e! $o *e "3(ie$/ ,ell6

*eha-e!/ non6rei$an$05 Ho,e-er/ $he' alo !i!n1$ in$era.$ %(.h

,i$h $heir +eer an! ee%e! la.&in# in .(rioi$' an! ori#inali$'0

"A($hori$arian .on6$rol 0 0 0 o*$ain .onfor%i$' *($ a$ $he e2+ene of

+eronal free!o%/5 $he reear.her .on.l(!e!0

More $han fo(r !e.a!e la$er/ in / $he a%e ;o(rnal fea$(re! a

$(!' of o%e / a!ole.en$0 The i!ea/ a#ain/ ,a $o ee ho, ,ell

$hee &i! ,ere !oin#/ +'.holo#i.all' an! o.iall'/ an! $hen .o%6+are

$he re(l$ $o ho, $he' ,ere *ein# raie!0 I$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ $hoe ,ho

ha! a($hori$arian +aren$ of$en .ore! hi#h on "%ea(re of o*e6!ien.e

an! .onfor%i$' $o $he $an!ar! of a!(l$05 B($/ $he reear.her a!!e!/"$hee 'o(n#$er a++ear $o ha-e +ai! a +ri.e ,here elf6.onfi!en.e i

.on.erne!)*o$h in $er% of elf6relian.e an! in $er% of $heir

+er.e+$ion of $heir o,n o.ial an! a.a!e%i. a*ili$ie0 The o-er6




"!o(*le life/5 a one $hera+i$ +($ i$7 "Be.a(e o(r +aren$ ini$e! on

e2er.iin# .on$rol o-er o(r li-e/ ,e .rea$e! one life $ha$ $he' &ne,

a*o($/ an! one $ha$ re%aine! a e.re$ fro% $he%05J S(.h .hil!ren

%a' *e a$ ri& for -ario( +'.holo#i.al +ro*le% !o,n $he line0 Alo/$he' %a' *e $errifie! of/ an! +er%anen$l' aliena$e! fro%/ $he +eo+le

,ho $rea$ $he% $hi ,a'0 A ,i$h .on!i$ional lo-e/ $herefore/ $i#h$

.on$rol .an o%e$i%e 'iel! re(l$ in $he hor$ r(n/ *($ a$ $he .o$ of

fa$all' !a%a#in# o(r rela$ionhi+ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren o-er $i%e0

One %o$her offere! an in$ri#(in# *i$ of $e$i%on' in a %ea#e he

.on$ri*($e! $o an online !i.(ion #ro(+0 She !e.ri*e! a 8hri$%a

+en$ ,i$h her h(*an!1 rela$i-e/ ,ho ,ere raie!)an! ,ho no, raie

$heir o,n .hil!ren),i$h fir% !i.i+line0 D(rin# $he -a.a$ion/ $he' $ol!

$orie a*o($ $he -ario( e.a+a!e of $heir 'o($h0 "Thoe ,ell6*eha-e!/

re#(larl' !i.i+line!/ +oli$e .hil!ren ,ere i%+e$(o( hooli#an e-er' $i%e

$heir +aren$1 *a.& ,ere $(rne!/5 he re+or$e!0 "The' !i! $(ff I ne-er

.o(l! ha-e in-en$e!05 On her i!e of $he fa%il'/ *' .on$ra$/ "$here ha

ne-er *een a =*eha-ior> .har$/ an in.en$i-e/ a .he!(le of +(nih6%en$/

a #ro(n!in#/ a +an&in#/ or a re%o-al of +ri-ile#e01 5 Nor/ he ,ear/

ha $here *een an' erio( %i*eha-ior0

I !on1$ %ean $o a' $ha$ !efian.e i al,a' o%e$hin# $o ,orr'

a*o($0 So%e a%o(n$ of na'6a'in# i 3(i$e .o%%on an! +erfe.$l'

heal$h'/ e+e.iall' aro(n! a#e $,o or $hree/ an! $hen a#ain !(rin#

$he earl' $een 'ear0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ I1% !e.ri*in# here i an

e2a##era$e!/ rea.$i-e &in! of !efian.e/ ,hi.h la$ lon#er an! r(n

!ee+er0 S(.h .hil6!ren are li-in# +roof $ha$ a $'le of +aren$in#

ai%e! %o$l' a$ eli.i$in# o*e!ien.e of$en fail e-en on i$ o,n

$er%/ in a!!i$ion $o .rea$in# a raf$ of o$her +ro*le%0

Wha$1 $he al$erna$i-e $o *ein# ei$her e2.ei-el' .o%+lian$ or

e2.ei-el' !efian$@ Wha$ !o (.h .hil!ren loo& li&e@ In re+one $o

re3(e$ fro% $heir +aren$)an!/ la$er/ fro% o$her +eo+le)$he'1ll .hooe

$o a' 'e o%e$i%e an! no a$ o$her $i%e/ ,i$ho($ feelin# .o%+elle!

ei$her $o .o%+l' or $o !ef'0 The' of$en !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e!/ e+e.iall'

,hen $he'1re .on-in.e! i$1 reaona*le or -er' i%+or6$an$ $o $he +eron

,ho1 a&in#0 Thee are li&el' $o *e $he .hil!ren of




$he' a.$e! ,a of$en !(e %ore $o a "$ron# in$ernal +re(re5 $han $o

"a real ene of .hoi.e05 The' alo in!i.a$e! $ha$ $heir ha++ine af$er

(..ee!in# a$ o%e$hin# ,a ((all' hor$6li-e!/ $heir o+inion of

$he%6el-e fl(.$(a$e! a lo$/ an! $he' of$en fel$ #(il$' or aha%e!0C

De.i an! R'an *elie-e $ha$ .hil!ren are *orn no$ onl' ,i$h .er$ain

*ai. nee!/ in.l(!in# a nee! $o ha-e o%e a' o-er $heir o,n li-e/

*($ alo ,i$h $he a*ili$' $o %a&e !e.iion in a ,a' $ha$ %ee$ $heir

nee! $he'1re e3(i++e! ,i$h "a #'ro.o+e of na$(ral elf6re#(la$ion05

When ,e .on$rol &i! e2.ei-el')for e2a%+le/ *' offerin# $he%

re,ar! an! +raie for !oin# ,ha$ ,e ,an$)$he' $ar$ $o *e.o%e

!e+en!en$ on e2$ernal o(r.e of .on$rol0 The #'ro.o+e *e#in $o

,o**le an! $he' loe $heir a*ili$' $o re#(la$e $he%el-e0C

FOOD

Foo! .on(%+$ion offer a -er' li$eral e2a%+le of $hi0 I$1 $r(e $ha$

&i! !on1$ al,a' .hooe $he heal$hie$ $hin# $o ea$0 9Tha$1 ,h' ,e

nee! $o $ea.h $he% ,ha$ i an! in1$ #oo! for $heir *o!ie/ an! +ro6

-i!e $he% ,i$h re$ri.$e! .hoi.e (.h $ha$ ,hi.he-er i$e% $he' +i.&

,ill *e a..e+$a*le0: On $he o$her han!/ e-en ,i$ho($ o(r in$er-en$ion/

'o(n# .hil!ren ,ill ((all' .on(%e $he n(%*er of .alorie $heir *o!6

ie nee! o-er $i%e0 So%e$i%e $he'1ll #o for !a' ea$in# o li$$le $ha$

,e *e.o%e .on.erne!/ an! $hen $he' (!!enl' +($ a,a' h(#e +or6

$ion0 If $he' ea$ o%e$hin# fa$$enin#/ $he'1ll $en! $o ea$ le/ or o%e6

$hin# le .alori./ af$er,ar!0 In $er% of ho, %(.h $he' ea$/ $hen/

.hil!ren ee% $o ha-e a re%ar&a*le .a+a.i$' for elf6re#(la$ion0

Unle/ $ha$ i/ ,e $r' $o r(n $heir *o!ie for $he%0 T,o n($ri$ion6

i$ in Illinoi .on!(.$e! a fa.ina$in# e2+eri%en$ a fe, 'ear a#o0

The' o*er-e! .hil!ren *e$,een $he a#e of $,o an! fo(r/ an! alo

learne! ho, %(.h $heir +aren$ a$$e%+$e! $o .on$rol $heir ea$in#

ha*i$0 The' !i.o-ere! $ha$ $hoe +aren$ ,ho ini$e! $heir .hil!renea$ onl' !(rin# %eal$i%e 9ra$her $han ,hen $he' ,ere h(n#r':/ or

,ho en.o(ra#e! $he% $o .lean $heir +la$e 9e-en ,hen $he' o*-io(l'

,eren1$ h(n#r':/ or ,ho (e! foo! 9e+e.iall' !eer$: a a re,ar!




,o(n! (+ ,i$h .hil!ren ,ho lo$ $he a*ili$' $o re#(la$e $heir .alori. in$a&e0

So%e of $he +aren$ a++eare! $o ha-e $heir o,n i(e ,i$h foo!/ ,hi.h

$he' ,ere in $he +ro.e of +ain# on $o $heir &i!0 B($ ,ha$e-er $he

reaon for $heir e2.ei-e .on$rol/ i$ ,a *e#innin# $o $a&e i$ $oll e-en*efore o%e of $hee .hil!ren ,ere o($ of !ia+er0 The .hil6!ren ha! "fe,

o++or$(ni$ie $o learn $o .on$rol $heir o,n foo! in$a&e5 an! .a%e $o $o+

$r($in# $heir *o!ie1 .(e a*o($ ,hen $he' ,ere h(n6#r'0 One re(l$7

Man' of $he% ,ere alrea!' $ar$in# $o #e$ fa$0CC

MORALS

Thi fin!in# a*o($ foo! i in$ere$in#/ e-en alar%in#/ in i$ o,n ri#h$/

*($ i$1 ;($ one ill($ra$ion of a ,i!er !an#er0 E2$ernal re#(la6$ion .an

in$erfere ,i$h $he !e-elo+%en$ of in$ernal re#(la$ion no$ onl' ,i$h re#ar!

$o ea$in# *($ alo ,i$h re#ar! $o e$hi.0 A hea-'6han!e! +aren$in# $'le

!oe no$hin# $o +ro%o$e/ an! a.$(all' %a' (n!er%ine/ .hil!ren1 %oral

!e-elo+%en$0 Thoe ,ho are +re(re! $o !o a $he'1re $ol! are (nli&el'

$o $hin& $hro(#h e$hi.al !ile%%a for $he%6el-e0 Thi .an 3(i.&l' .rea$e

a -i.io( .ir.le7 The le .han.e $he' ha-e $o %a&e !e.iion a*o($ $he

ri#h$ ,a' $o a.$/ $he %ore li&el' $he' are $o a.$ in ,a' $ha$ ,ill .a(e

$heir +aren$ $o .i$e $heir irre+oni6*ili$' a a reaon for .on$in(in# $o

!en' $he% $he ri#h$ $o .hooe0

One %(.h6.i$e! re-ie, of $he reear.h on .hil! !e-elo+%en$

re+or$e! $ha$/ ,hile .hil!ren of a($hori$arian +aren$ !on1$ $an!

o($/ one ,a' or $he o$her/ "on .on$ri-e! %ea(re of rei$an.e $o

$e%+6$a$ion/5 %ore %eanin#f(l e-i!en.e (##e$ $ha$ "$he' !o

ho, leer e-i!en.e of .on.ien.e1 an! are %ore li&el' $o ha-e

an e2$ernal/ ra$her $han in$ernal/ %oral orien$a$ion in !i.(in#

,ha$ i $he ri#h$1 *eha-6ior in i$(a$ion of %oral .onfli.$05C

INTEREST

Ye$ ano$her .one3(en.e of $oo %(.h .on$rol7 When &i! feel

for.e! $o !o $hin#)or are $oo $i#h$l' re#(la$e! in $he %ay $he' !o




$hin#)$he'1re li&el' $o *e.o%e le in$ere$e! in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#

an! le li&el' $o $i.& ,i$h o%e$hin# .hallen#in#0 In an in$ri#(in#

e2+eri%en$/ +aren$ ,ere in-i$e! $o i$ on $he floor ne2$ $o $heir -er'

'o(n# .hil!ren)no$ e-en $,o 'ear ol!),ho ,ere +la'in# ,i$h $o'0So%e of $he +aren$ i%%e!ia$el' $oo& o-er $he $a& or *ar&e! o($

in$r(.$ion 9"P($ $he *lo.& in0 No/ no$ $here0 There# 5: O$her ,ere

.on$en$ $o le$ $heir &i! e2+lore/ +ro-i!in# en.o(ra#e%en$ an! offer6

in# hel+ onl' ,hen i$ ,a nee!e!0 La$er/ $he *a*ie ,ere #i-en o%e6

$hin# ele $o +la' ,i$h/ $hi $i%e ,i$ho($ $heir +aren$ +reen$0 I$ $(rne!

o($ $ha$/ on.e $he' ,ere on $heir o,n/ $hoe ,ho ha! .on$rol6lin#

+aren$ ,ere a+$ $o #i-e (+ %ore eail' ra$her $han $r'in# $o fi#6(re

o($ ho, $he ne, $o' ,or&e!0

A*o($ a !e.a!e la$er/ ano$her $(!' fo(n! -er' i%ilar re(l$

,i$h i26 an! e-en6'ear6ol! .hil!ren7 Thoe ,hoe +aren$ ha!

+la'e! ,i$h $he% in a .on$rollin# %anner 9$ellin# $he% ,ha$ $o !o/

.ri$i.iin#/ or +raiin#: ee%e! $o loe in$ere$ in ,ha$ $he' ,ere

!oin#0 The' +en$ le $i%e +la'in# ,i$h $he $o' ,hen $he' ,ere

alone/ an! $he' alo ai! $he' fo(n! $he $o' le f(n $han !i! &i!

,hoe +aren$ ha! *een le .on$rollin#0C

SKILLS

The fir$ of $hoe $(!ie ho,in# a !i%in($ion of &i!1 in$ere$

,a .on!(.$e! *a.& in $he %i!6J *' Wen!' Grolni.&/ a for%er

$(!en$ of De.i an! R'an1/ an! her ao.ia$e0 9The e.on! $(!'

,a .on!(.$e! *' De.i hi%elf/ a%on# o$her0: Al%o$ $,o !e.a!e

la$er/ Grolni.& !i.o-ere! $ha$ .on$rollin# +aren$ !on1$ %erel' %a&e

&i! le interested in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#7 The' %a' alo lea! &i! $o

*e le pro)icient a$ ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 Thi $i%e/ he loo&e! a$ ho,

$hir!6#ra!er an! $heir +aren$ ,or&e! $o#e$her on a .o(+le of

+ro;e.$ $ha$ ree%*le! ho%e,or& 9one in-ol-in# $he (e of %a+ an!$he o$her in-ol-in# $he rh'%e .he%e of +oe%:/ af$er ,hi.h ea.h

.hil! ,a lef$ alone an! a&e! $o !o i%ilar $a&0 Thoe ,hoe

+aren$ ha! *een %ore .on$rollin# !i!n1$ !o a ,ell on $heir o,n0C



PUNITIVE DAMAGES

P(nih%en$ 0 0 0 .on$rol 0 0 0 a($hori$arian +aren$in# 0 0 0 lo-e ,i$h6!ra,al 0 0 0 .on!i$ional affe.$ion)all of $hee .on.e+$ o-erla+0I$1 $he fir$ one/ ho,e-er/ $ha$1 %o$ fa%iliar $o ( an! eaie$ $o

(n!er$an!0 To +(nih &i!/ -er' i%+l'/ i $o %a&e o%e$hin# (n+lea6

an$ ha++en $o $he%)or +re-en$ $he% fro% e2+erien.in# o%e$hin#

+leaan$)((all' ,i$h $he #oal of .han#in# $heir f($(re *eha-ior0 The

+(niher %a&e $he% (ffer/ in o$her ,or!/ $o $ea.h $he% a leon0

F(n!a%en$al 3(e$ion a*o($ $he ,i!o% of $hi a++roa.h %a'(##e$ $he%el-e e-en *efore ,e loo& a$ $he re(l$ of .ien$ifi.

in-e6$i#a$ion0 For e2a%+le/ i$ %a' o..(r $o ( $o a&7 Ho, li&el'

i i$ $ha$ in$en$ionall' %a&in# .hil!ren (nha++' ,ill +ro-e *enefi.ial

in $he lon# r(n@ An!7 If +(nih%en$ i o effe.$i-e/ ho, .o%e I

ha-e $o &ee+ !oin# i$ $o %' .hil! o-er an! o-er@

The a-aila*le reear.h !oe no$hin# $o alla' (.h !o(*$0 The re(l$

of a .lai. +aren$in# $(!'/ +(*lihe! in / ee%e! $o .a$.h e-en $he

a($hor *' (r+rie0 Af$er re-ie,in# all $he !a$a fro% $heir in-e$i#a$ion of

&in!er#ar$ner an! $heir %o$her/ $he' re+or$e! $ha$ "$he (nha++' effe.$

of +(nih%en$ ha-e r(n li&e a !i%al $hrea! $hro(#h o(r fin!6in#05

P(nih%en$ +ro-e! $o *e .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e re#ar!le of ,he$her $he

+aren$ ,ere (in# i$ $o $o+ a##reion/ e2.ei-e !e+en!en.e/ *e!6

,e$$in#/ or o%e$hin# ele0 The reear.her .oni$en$l' fo(n! $ha$ +(n6




ih%en$ ,a "ineffe.$(al o-er $he lon# $er% a a $e.hni3(e for eli%i6

na$in# $he &in! of *eha-ior $o,ar! ,hi.h i$ i !ire.$e!05C Ne,er an!

*e$$er6!ei#ne! $(!ie ha-e onl' er-e! $o $ren#$hen $hi

.on.l(ion/ fin!in#/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ +aren$ ,ho "+(nih=e!> r(le6*rea&in# *eha-6ior in $heir .hil!ren a$ ho%e of$en ha! .hil!ren ,ho

!e%on$ra$e! hi#her le-el of r(le6*rea&in# ,hen a,a' fro% ho%e05

B' no, $here i an e+e.iall' i%+rei-e .olle.$ion of reear.h

!e%on$ra$in# $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of .or+oral +(nih%en$ in +ar6$i.(lar

)$ha$ i/ $he +ra.$i.e of +an&in#/ la++in#/ or o$her,ie .a(6in#

+h'i.al +ain a a for% of !i.i+line0 The !a$a o-er,hel%in#l' ho, $ha$

.or+oral +(nih%en$ %a&e .hil!ren %ore a##rei-e an! lea! $o a

-arie$' of o$her !a%a#in# .one3(en.e0 9I$1 no$ e-en .lear $ha$ i$

(..ee! a$ #e$$in# $e%+orar' .o%+lian.e0: Hi$$in# .hil!ren .learl'

"$ea.he $he% a leon5)an! $he leon i $ha$ 'o( .an #e$ 'o(r ,a'

,i$h +eo+le ,ho are ,ea&er $han 'o( are *' h(r$in# $he%0

I *elie-e $he reear.h (++or$ a ero6$oleran.e +oli.' for +an&in#/

#i-en $ha$ i$1 (nne.ear'/ (n+ro!(.$i-e/ an! +o$en$iall' -er' har%f(l0

B($ $hi/ $oo/ %a' *e a .ae ,here !a$a are no$ a*ol($el' ne.ear'0

F(n6!a%en$al -al(e %a' *e eno(#h $o ;($if' o(r o++oi$ion0 A

i.&enin# a i$ i $ha$ o%e %en hi$ $heir ,i-e or #irlfrien!/ i$1 ar#(a*l'

e-en ,ore for a!(l$ $o hi$ .hil!ren)in an' %anner an! for an' reaon0

S$ill/ ;($ a $he +ro*le% ,i$h .on$rol are no$ li%i$e! $o +(nih6

%en$/ o $he +ro*le% ,i$h +(nih%en$ are no$ li%i$e! $o $he +h'i6

.al &in!0 The la$e o.iolo#i$ <oan M.8or! +($ i$ ,ell7

If +aren$ an! $ea.her ,ere $o (*$i$($e non6+h'i.al +(nih6

%en$ for +h'i.al one/ $he' %i#h$ a-oi! $ea.hin# .hil!ren $o hi$/

+(n.h/ an! &i.& 'e$/ $he' ,o(l! ne-er$hele +er+e$(a$e $he i!ea

$ha$ #i-in# +ain i a le#i$i%a$e ,a' $o e2er.ie +o,er0 0 0 0

The .one3(en.e .o(l! *e no le (n!er%inin# of

.o%+aion an! o.ial in$ere$0

The +ro*le%/ in o$her ,or!/ re$ ,i$h $he i!ea of for.in# .hil!ren $o

(n!er#o o%e$hin# (n+leaan$0 The (n+leaan$ne .an .oni$ of



P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S

+h'i.al aa(l$/ !e+ri-a$ion of affe.$ion or a$$en$ion/ h(%ilia$ion/

io6la$ion/ or an'$hin# ele0

Thi i ,or$h e%+haiin#/ fir$ of all/ *e.a(e e-en o%e ,ri$er ,ho

fir%l' o++oe .or+oral +(nih%en$ ee% $o $a&e on fai$h $ha$ o$her or$of +(nih%en$ are har%le or e-en ne.ear'0 9Three hinin# e2.e+6

$ion/ ,ho ha-e ,ri$$en elo3(en$l' on $he +ro*le% ,i$h $he -er' i!ea of

+(nih%en$/ are Tho%a Gor!on/ Hai% Gino$$/ an! Willia% Glaer0:

A n(%*er of .on(l$an$/ %ean,hile/ ha-e re+on!e! $o $he

(n!er6$an!a*le rel(.$an.e of %an' +aren$ $o (e +(ni$i-e $a.$i. *'

re+a.&6a#in# $he% a ".one3(en.e05 In o%e .ae/ $he .han#e i

+(rel' e%an$i./ $he i%+li.a$ion *ein# $ha$ a frien!lier na%e ,ill %a&e$he a%e +ra.$i.e le offeni-e0 B($ o%e$i%e ,e1re $ol! $ha$ if $he

+(n6ih%en$ are le e-ere/ or "lo#i.all'5 rela$e! $o $he %i*eha-ior/

or .learl' +elle! o($ in a!-an.e/ $hen $he'1re o&a' $o (e)an!/

in!ee!/ ho(l!n1$ *e .oni!ere! +(nih%en$ a$ all0

I !on1$ *(' i$0 More i%+or$an$/ I !on1$ $hin& &i! *(' i$0 While i$1

.er$ainl' $r(e $ha$ a *a! $hin# .an *e %a!e ,ore *' a!!in# (.h

ele6%en$ a (n+re!i.$a*ili$' or la.& of .lari$')or *' reall'

o-er!oin# i$ or *ein# e2.ei-el' na$')$hee aren1$ $he %ain

reaon $ha$ +(n6ih%en$ ha $he effe.$ i$ !oe0

Anno(n.in# ho, ,e +lan $o +(nih .hil!ren 9"Re%e%*er/ if 'o( !o x,

$hen I1ll !o y $o 'o(5: %a' al-e our .on.ien.e *e.a(e ,e #a-e $he%

fair ,arnin#/ *($ all ,e1-e reall' !one i $hrea$en $he%0 We1-e $ol! $he% in

a!-an.e e2a.$l' ho, ,e1ll %a&e $he% (ffer if $he' fail $o o*e'0 Thi

.o%%(ni.a$e a %ea#e of !i$r($ 9"I !on1$ $hin& 'o(1ll !o $he ri#h$ $hin#

,i$ho($ $he fear of +(nih%en$5:/ lea! &i! $o $hin& of $he%el-e a

.o%+l'in# for e2$rini. reaon/ an! e%+haie $heir +o,erlene0 All

$he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ +re!i.$e! *' lo#i./ e2+erien.e/ an! reear.h are

li&el' $o follo, re#ar!le of $hee %inor %o!ifi.a$ion)an! re#ar!6le

of ,he$her ,e .all +(nih%en$ *' a !ifferen$ na%e0

So%e$i%e +aren$ are a!-ie! $o (e a $i%e6o($ in$ea! of +an&6

in# $heir &i!)a $ho(#h $hee ,ere $he onl' $,o o+$ion a-aila*le0 The

reali$'/ a ,e1-e een/ i $ha$ *o$h of $hee $a.$i. are +(ni$i-e0 The' !iffer

onl' ,i$h re+e.$ $o ,he$her .hil!ren ,ill *e %a!e $o (f6




fer *' +h'i.al or e%o$ional %ean0 If ,e ,ere for.e! $o .hooe

one o-er $he o$her/ $hen/ (re/ $i%e6o($ are +refera*le $o

+an&in#0 For $ha$ %a$$er/ +an&in# &i! i +refera*le $o hoo$in#

$he%/ *($ $ha$1 no$ %(.h of an ar#(%en$ for +an&in#0 Ano$her -erion of ,ha$ %i#h$ *e .alle! P(nih%en$ Li$e i &no,n a

"na$(ral .one3(en.e/5 ,hi.h in-i$e +aren$ $o !i.i+line *' ina.6$ion)

$ha$ i/ *' ref(in# $o hel+0 If a .hil! i la$e for !inner/ ,e1re (+6+oe! $o

le$ her #o h(n#r'0 If he lea-e her rain.oa$ a$ .hool/ ,e1re (++oe! $o

le$ her #e$ ,e$ $he follo,in# !a'0 Thi i ai! $o $ea.h her $o *e %ore

+(n.$(al/ or le for#e$f(l/ or ,ha$e-er0 B($ $he far %ore +o,6erf(l leon

$ha$ he1 li&el' $o $a&e a,a' i $ha$ ,e .o(l! ha-e hel+e!) *($ !i!n1$0 A

$,o a($hor no$e in $heir !i.(ion of $he +ra.$i.e/ "When 'o( $an! *'

an! le$ *a! $hin# ha++en/ 'o(r .hil! e2+erien.e $he $,in

!ia++oin$%en$ $ha$ o%e$hin# ,en$ ,ron# an! 'o( !i! no$ ee% $o .are

eno(#h a*o($ her $o lif$ a fin#er $o hel+ +re-en$ $he %iha+0 The na$6(ral

.one3(en.e1 a++roa.h i reall' a for% of +(nih%en$05

One of $he %o$ $ri&in# fea$(re of +(nih%en$)an' +(nih6%en$)

i $he ,a' i$ .rea$e a -i.io( .ir.le for all .on.erne!/ -er' %(.h li&e ,ha$

,e fin! ,i$h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$0 No %a$$er ho,

%an' $i%e ,e1-e ,a$.he! a $he .hil! *ein# +(nihe! lahe o($ in

an#er or +ain/ no %a$$er ho, %an' $i%e a +(ni$i-e in$er6-en$ion fail $o

*rin# a*o($ an' i%+ro-e%en$ 9an!/ %ore li&el'/ a.$(6all' %a&e $hin#

,ore:/ ,e %a' a(%e $ha$ $he onl' +oi*le re+one i $o +(nih

a#ain)+erha+ e-en (++in# $he an$e0 In$ere$6in#l'/ reear.h fin! $he

,or$ effe.$ aren1$ !(e $o $he +aren$1 ini$ial in$er-en$ion *($ ra$her $o $he

(e of +(nih%en$ a)ter $he .hil! fail $o .o%+l' ,i$h $he fir$ re3(e$0 I$1

$he rea.$i-e (e of +(nih%en$/ $he .hoi.e $o e%+lo' i$ on.e ,e1-e

alrea!' lo.&e! horn ,i$h $he .hil!/ $ha$ +ro-e %o$ ,orrio%e0

Therefore/ i$1 %o$ i%+or$an$ $o refrain fro% +(nihin# +re.iel' ,hen

,e1re %o$ an#r' or fr($ra$e!0J

The %ore i%+or$an$ -i.io( .ir.le/ ho,e-er/ $a&e +la.e no$ a$ $he

$i%e ,e .onfron$ a .hil!/ *($ over $i%e)$ha$ i/ a e-en$ +la' o($ o-er

%an' 'ear0 Re+ea$e!l' +(nihin# a 'o(n# .hil! %a' hel+ $o $(rn hi%

in$o a !efian$ a!ole.en$ 'e$ ,e1re a!-ie! $o .on$in(e/ an! e-en




in$enif'/ $he +(nihin#7 Gro(n! $he !io*e!ien$ $eena#er/ .($ off hi

allo,an.e/ (e o(r +o,er $o ake hi% a.$ re+oni*l'0 The ore this

strategy )ails, the ore %e assue the proble is %ith the child, rather

than %ith the strategy itsel). An! if ,e !o $o+ $o re.oni!er ,ha$ ,e1re!oin#/ ,e a(%e ,e1-e ;($ *een i%+le%en$in# i$ ineffe.$i-el') a

o++oe! $o realiin# $he $ro(*le i ,i$h $he ,hole i!ea of %a&in# .hil!ren

(ffer $o $ea.h $he% a leon0 Gino$$ ,a a*ol($el' ri#h$7 "Mi*eha-ior

an! +(nih%en$ are no$ o++oi$e $ha$ .an.el ea.h o$her on $he .on$rar'/

$he' *ree! an! reinfor.e ea.h o$her05

Why Punishent 4ails

Tha$ +(nihin# &i! !oen1$ ,or& i -er' !iffi.(l$ $o !en' in li#h$ of

all $he a-aila*le e-i!en.e0 Why i$ !oen1$ ,or& i har!er $o a' ,i$h

.er$ain$'0 Ne-er$hele/ ,e .an haar! o%e #(ee0

• It makes people mad. Li&e o$her for% of .on$rol/ $he (e of +(ni$i-e .one3(en.e of$en enra#e ,hoe-er i on $he re.ei-6

in# en!/ an! $he e2+erien.e i !o(*l' +ainf(l *e.a(e he or

he i +o,erle $o !o an'$hin# a*o($ i$0 Wha$ hi$or' $ea.he

( a*o($ na$ion e.hoe ,ha$ +'.holo#' $ea.he ( a*o($

in!i6-i!(al7 Gi-en a .han.e/ $hoe ,ho feel li&e -i.$i% %a'

e-en6$(all' *e.o%e -i.$i%ier0

• It models the use of power. The e2a%+le $ha$ .or+oral +(nih6

%en$ e$ for .hil!ren i -iolen.e)$ha$ i/ $he (e of for.e $o ol-e

+ro*le%0 In fa.$/ $ho(#h/ all +(nih%en$ $ea.he o%e6$hin#

i%ilar0 8hil!ren %a' or %a' no$ learn $he leon ,e ha! in %in!

,hen ,e +(nihe! $he% 9"Don1$ !o x a#ain5:0 B($ $he'1ll (rel'

learn $ha$ ,hen $he %o$ i%+or$an$ +eo+le in $heir li-e/ $heir role

%o!el/ ha-e a +ro*le%/ $he' $r' $o ol-e i$ *' (in# +o,er $o%a&e $he o$her +eron (nha++' o he or he ,ill *e for.e! $o

.a+i$(la$e0 P(nih%en$ no$ onl' %a&e a .hil! an#r' i$

"i%(l$aneo(l' +ro-i!e hi% ,i$h a %o!el for




e2+rein# $ha$ ho$ili$' o($,ar!l'/5 no$e one reear.her0

In o$her ,or!/ i$ $ea.he $ha$ %i#h$ %a&e ri#h$0

• It eventually loses its effectiveness. A &i! #ro, ol!er/ i$*e.o%e har!er an! har!er $o fin! $hin# $o !o $o $he% $ha$ ,ill *e

(f6fi.ien$l' (n+leaan$0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ i$ *e.o%e

in.reain#l' !iffi.(l$ $o fin! re,ar! $ha$ are (ffi.ien$l' a++ealin#0:

A$ o%e +oin$/ 'o(r $hrea$ *e#in $o o(n! hollo, an! 'o(r &i!

;($ hr(# off "Yo(1re #ro(n!e!45 or "No allo,an.e for 'o( $hi

,ee&45 Thi !oen1$ +ro-e $ha$ &i! are $o(#h or o*$ina$e/ nor

!oe i$ %ean $ha$ 'o( nee! hel+ !e-iin# %ore !ia*oli.al ,a' $o%a&e $he% (ffer0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ i$ (##e$ i $ha$ $r'in# $o hel+

&i! *e.o%e #oo! +eo+le *' +(nihin# $he% for !oin# *a! $hin#

%a' ha-e *een a foolih $ra$e#' fro% $he *e#innin#0

Thin& a*o($ i$ $hi ,a'7 When 'o(n# .hil!ren ,on!er ,h'

$he' ho(l! *e ni.e or rei$ .er$ain $e%+$a$ion/ +aren$ ha-e

a .hoi.e0 The' .an !ra, (+on $he re+e.$ an! $r($ $he'1-e .(l6

$i-a$e! *' lo-in# $heir &i! (n.on!i$ionall'/ (in# reaon an!

+er(aion $o e2+lain ho, !oin# $hi $hin# ra$her $han $ha$ $hin#

i li&el' $o affe.$ o$her +eo+le0 Or $he' .an ;($ a++eal $o na&e!

+o,er7 "If 'o( !on1$ .($ $ha$ o($/ 'o(1ll *e +(nihe!05

The +ro*le% ,i$h $he la$$er a++roa.h i $ha$ on.e 'o(r +o,er

*e#in $o e**)an! i$ ,ill)'o(1-e #o$ no$hin# lef$0 A Tho%a

Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ "The ine-i$a*le re(l$ of .oni$en$l' e%+lo'6

in# +o,er $o .on$rol ='o(r> &i! ,hen $he' are 'o(n# i $ha$ ='o(>

ne-er learn ho, $o in)luence.8 The %ore 'o( rel' on +(nih%en$/

$herefore/ "$he le real infl(en.e 'o(1ll ha-e on $heir li-e05

• It erodes our relationships with our kids. When ,e +(nih/ ,e

%a&e i$ -er' har! for o(r .hil!ren $o re#ar! ( a .arin# allie/

,hi.h i -i$al for heal$h' !e-elo+%en$0 In$ea!/ ,e *e.o%e 9in

$heir e'e: enfor.er $o *e a-oi!e!0 Ver' 'o(n# .hil!ren *e#in $o

,ra+ $heir %in! aro(n! $he fa.$ $ha$ $heir +aren$/ $hoe h(#e/ all6

+o,erf(l +eo+le on ,ho% $he' are $o$all' !e+en!en$/ o..aionall'

%a&e $he% %iera*le on purpose7 Thoe #ian$




,ho hol! %e an! ro.& %e an! fee! %e an! &i a,a' %' $ear

o%e$i%e #o o($ of $heir ,a' $o $a&e a,a' $hin# I li&e/ or

%a&e %e feel (n,or$h'/ or hi$ %e on $he *a.&i!e 9e-en

$ho(#h $he' &ee+ $ellin# %e "0 al,a' (++oe! $o "(e %',or!5:0 The' $ell %e $he'1re a.$in# $hi ,a' *e.a(e of

o%e$hin# or o$her $ha$ I !i!/ *($ all I &no, i no, I1% no$ (re

I .an $r($ $he% or feel .o%+le$el' afe ,i$h $he%0 I1! *e +re$$'

$(+i! $o a!%i$ $o $he% $ha$ I1% an#r'/ or $ha$ I !i! o%e$hin#

*a!/ *e.a(e I1-e learne! $ha$ I %i#h$ *e #i-en a $i%e6o($ or

$al&e! $o in a -oi.e $ha$ ha all $he lo-e !raine! o($ of i$ or e-en

%a.&e!0 I1! *e$$er &ee+ %' !i$an.e0

• It distracts kids from the important issues. S(++oe a .hil!

i $ol! $ha$/ *e.a(e he ;($ +(n.he! hi *ro$her/ he ha $o #o

$o hi roo% an! %i hi fa-ori$e TV +ro#ra%0 Le$1 +ee& in on

hi%/ i$$in# on hi *e!0 Wha$ !o 'o( i%a#ine i #oin# $hro(#h

hi %in!@ If 'o(r #(e i $ha$ he1 *een refle.$in# on hi

a.$ion/ +erha+ a'in# $o hi%elf $ho(#h$f(ll'/ "Y1&no,/ no, Iee $ha$ h(r$in# +eo+le i ,ron#5)$hen/ *' all %ean/ &ee+

en!in# 'o(r &i! $o $heir roo% ,hene-er $he' %i*eha-e0

If/ ho,e-er/ li&e an'one ,ho ha e-er +en$ $i%e ,i$h a real

.hil! 9or ha e-er *een one/ for $ha$ %a$$er:/ 'o( fin! $ha$ .e6

nario la(#ha*l' i%+ro*a*le/ $hen ,h' ,o(l! 'o( e-er i%+oe

$hi)or an' o$her)+(nih%en$@ The i!ea $ha$ $i%e6o($ are

an a..e+$a*le for% of !i.i+line *e.a(e $he' #i-e &i! $i%e $o$hin& $hin# o-er i *ae! on an a*(r!l' (nreali$i. +re%ie0

More #enerall'/ +(nih%en$ !oen1$ lea! .hil!ren $o fo.( on

,ha$ $he'1-e !one/ %(.h le on ,h' $he' !i! i$ or ,ha$ $he'

ho(l! ha-e !one in$ea!0 Ra$her/ i$ lea! $he% $o $hin& a*o($

ho, %ean $heir +aren$ are an! %a'*e ho, $he'1re #oin# $o

#e$ $heir re-en#e 9on $he &i! ,ho #o$ $he% in$o $ro(*le:0

A*o-e all/ $he'1re li&el' $o fo.( on $he +(nih%en$ i$elf7

ho, (nfair i$ i an! ho, $o a-oi! i$ ne2$ $i%e0 P(nihin# &i!)

,i$h $he $hrea$ $ha$ 'o(1ll !o o a#ain if $he' !i+leae 'o( in

$he f($(re)i an e2.ellen$ ,a' $o hone $heir &ill a$ e.a+in#




!e$e.$ion0 Tell a .hil!7 "I !on1$ ,an$ $o .a$.h 'o( !oin# $ha$

a#ain/5 an! $he .hil! ,ill $hin&/ "O&a'0 Ne2$ $i%e 'o( ,on1$

.a$.h %e05 I$ alo e$ (+ a $ron# in.en$i-e $o lie0 9B' .on$ra$/

.hil!ren ,ho aren1$ +(nihe! are le afrai! of o,nin# (+ $o,ha$ $he'1-e !one0: Ye$ +(ni$i-e +aren$/ fa.e! ,i$h $he +re6

!i.$a*le !ihone$' $ha$ a..o%+anie $ra!i$ional !i.i+line)"I

!i!n1$ !o i$4 I$ ,a alrea!' *ro&en45)are li&el' $o re+on! $o

$hi no$ *' 3(e$ionin# $heir (e of +(nih%en$/ *($ *' +(n6

ihin# $he .hil! a#ain/ $hi $i%e for l'in#0

• It makes kids more self-centered. The ,or! conse/uences i

$oe! aro(n! a lo$/ no$ onl' a a e(+he%i% for +(nih%en$

*($ alo a a ;($ifi.a$ion for i$)a in "Ki! nee! $o learn $ha$

$here are .one3(en.e for $heir a.$ion05 B($ .one3(en.e $o

,ho%@ The an,er #i-en *' all +(nih%en$ i7 $o 'o(relf0 A

.hil!1 a$$en$ion i fir%l' !ire.$e! $o ho, he +eronall' ,ill *e

affe.$e! *' *rea&in# a r(le or !ef'in# an a!(l$)$ha$ i/ ,ha$

.one3(en.e he ,ill fa.e if he1 .a(#h$0

When ,e +(nih/ in o$her ,or!/ ,e lea! .hil!ren $o a&/

"Wha$ !o $he' 9$he #ro,n6(+ ,i$h $he +o,er: ,an$ %e $o !o/

an! ,ha$ ,ill ha++en $o %e if I !on1$ !o i$@5 No$i.e $ha$ $hi i a

%irror i%a#e of $he 3(e$ion e-o&e! in a ho%e or .laroo% in

,hi.h .hil!ren are +ro%ie! a re,ar! for *ein# #oo!7 "Wha$ !o

$he' ,an$ %e $o !o/ an! ,ha$ ,ill I #e$ for !oin# i$@5 Bo$h

3(e$ion are en$irel' a*o($ elf6in$ere$0 An! *o$h are .o%6

+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% ,ha$ ,e1! li&e &i! $o a& $he%el-e)

for e2a%+le/ "Wha$ &in! of +eron !o I ,an$ $o *e@5

No ,on!er a +air of reear.her/ af$er !i.o-erin# $ha$ +(n6

ihin# .hil!ren in$erfere ,i$h $heir %oral !e-elo+%en$/ %a!e

ene of $ha$ fin!in# *' +oin$in# o($ $ha$ +(nih%en$ "!ire.$

$he .hil! $o $he .one3(en.e of hi *eha-ior for $he a.$or/ $ha$i/ for $he .hil! hi%elf05C The %ore ,e rel' on +(ni$i-e .on6

e3(en.e/ in.l(!in# $i%e6o($)or re,ar!/ in.l(!in# +raie)

$he le li&el' .hil!ren are $o .oni!er ho, $heir a.$ion affe.$




S$ill/ .o(l! o%eone ar#(e $ha$ $hrea$ an! +(nih%en$ .o%%an!

.hil!ren1 a$$en$ion in a !ifferen$ ,a'@ Ye/ *($ $he ,a' $he' !o o i

$erri*l' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 The -er' fea$(re of +(nih%en$ $ha$ %a&e i$

i%+oi*le $o i#nore alo -ir$(all' en(re $ha$ no #oo! .an .o%e o($ of i$0Wha$1 #e$$in# $he &i!1 a$$en$ion here i +ain/ alon# ,i$h $he fa.$ $ha$

o%eone on ,ho% $he'1re !e+en!en$ ha .a(e! $ha$ +ain0 Thi i har!l'

li&el' $o +ro!(.e $he effe.$ $ha$ %o$ of ( are loo&in# for0

So%e +aren$ ra$ionalie $he (e of +(nih%en$ *' ini$in# $ha$ $he'

reall'/ $r(l' lo-e $heir &i!0 No !o(*$ $hi i $r(e0 B($ i$ .rea$e a !ee+l'

.onf(in# i$(a$ion for .hil!ren0 I$1 har! for $he% $o or$ o($ ,h'

o%eone ,ho .learl' .are for $he% alo %a&e $he% (ffer fro% $i%e $o

$i%e0 I$ .rea$e $he ,ar+e! i!ea/ ,hi.h .hil!ren %a' .arr' ,i$h $he%

$hro(#ho($ $heir li-e/ $ha$ .a(in# +eo+le +ain i +ar$ of ,ha$ i$ %ean $o

lo-e $he%0 Or ele i$ %a' i%+l' $ea.h $ha$ lo-e i ne.earil' .on6

!i$ional/ $ha$ i$ la$ onl' a lon# a +eo+le !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ 'o( ,an$0

Ano$her ra$ionalia$ion i $ha$ +(nih%en$ in1$ !e$r(.$i-e a lon#

a i$1 i%+oe! for a #oo! reaon an! a lon# a $ha$ reaon i

e2+laine! $o $he .hil!0 The $r($h i $ha$ explanation doesn0t inii=e

the bad e))ects o) punishent so uch as punishent inii=es the

good e))ects o) explanation. S(++oe 'o( e2+lain $hin# $o 'o(r .hil!

an! $r' $o hel+ her fo.( on ho, her a.$ion ha-e %a!e o%eone ele

feel0 Yo( a'7 "Annie/ ,hen 'o( #ra**e! $he Le#o a,a' fro% <effre'/

'o( %a!e hi% a! *e.a(e no, he .an1$ +la' ,i$h $he%05 B($ ,ha$ if

'o(1re alo in $he ha*i$ of +(nihin# her for .er$ain offene@ The *en6

efi$ of 'o(r e2+lana$ion %a' ,ell *e ,i+e! o($0 If Annie &no, fro%

e2+erien.e $ha$ 'o( %i#h$ en! her $o $he $i%e6o($ .hair or !o o%e6

$hin# ele (n+leaan$ $o her/ he1 no$ $hin&in# a*o($ <effre'0 She1

;($ ,orrie! a*o($ ,ha$ $hi ,ill %ean for her0 The %ore an2io( he1

learne! $o *e.o%e a*o($ $he +oi*ili$' of +(nih%en$/ $he le

.han.e $ha$ %eanin#f(l %oral learnin# ,ill $a&e +la.e0

If 'o( .o%*ine e-er'$hin# in $hi .ha+$er ,i$h $he !i.(ion in .ha+6

$er C/ $hen a lar#er +a$$ern *e#in $o e%er#e0 Wha$ I1-e !e.ri*e! a a




"!oin# $o5 a++roa.h/ ,hi.h en.o%+ae .on!i$ional +aren$in#/

a.$(6all' e2i$ on a .on$in((%)o%e$hin# li&e $hi7

harh .or+oral %il!er o$her $an#i*le -er*al

+(nih%en$ +an&in# +(nih%en$ re,ar! re,ar!

I !on1$ %ean $o a' $ha$ hi$$in# 'o(r .hil! an! a'in# "Goo! ;o*45 are

%orall' e3(i-alen$0 B($ $he' are .on.e+$(all' .onne.$e!0 M' .on.ern i

,i$h all of $hee $e.hni3(e a ,ell a ,i$h $he a(%+$ion $ha$ lin&

$he%0 In %' e2+erien.e/ +aren$ are le li&el' $o e2+lore $he ",or&in#,i$h5 al$erna$i-e a lon# a $he' $hin& i$1 eno(#h ;($ $o +i.& one of $he

"!oin# $o5 o+$ion on $he ri#h$ i!e of $hi !ia#ra%0 Tha$1 ,h' I1-e +en$

o %(.h $i%e e%+haiin# ho, i%+or$an$ i$ i $o re;e.$ $he ,hole %o!el0

In effe.$/ I1-e alo *een .hallen#in# a -ie, $ha$ %i#h$ *e .alle! "$he

%ore/ $he %errier05 Thi i $he $en!en.' $o !i%i ar#(%en$ $ha$ an'

+e.ifi. +aren$in# +ra.$i.e i *a! ne, an! o(#h$ $o *e re+la.e! *'

ano$her0 "Wh' no$ !o *o$h@5 o%e +eo+le a&0 "No reaon $o $hro,

an'$hin# o($ of 'o(r $ool*o20 Ue e-er'$hin# $ha$ ,or&05

To *e#in ,i$h/ ,e ho(l! re+on! on.e a#ain7 "Wor& $o !o

,ha$)an! a$ ,ha$ .o$@5 B($ $he real +ro*le% i $ha$ !ifferen$

$ra$e6#ie o%e$i%e ,or& a$ .ro6+(r+oe0 One %a' ,i+e o($

$he +oi6$i-e effe.$ of $he o$her0 Th(/ $he effe.$ of +(nih%en$ i

(.h $ha$ i$ .an (n!er%ine $he *enefi$ of #oo! +aren$in# if $he $,o

a++roa.he are .o%*ine!0

Yo( %a' re.all $he *i$ of fol& ,i!o%/ .onfir%e! *' #enera$ion

of far%er an! #ro.er/ ,arnin# $ha$ a ro$$en a++le +la.e! in a

*arrel f(ll of #oo! a++le .an +oil $he% all0 I$ ,o(l! *e +(hin#

$hin# $o +o$(la$e a &in! of +'.holo#i.al e$h'lene releae! *'

$ra!i$ional !i6.i+line/ analo#o( $o $he #a #i-en off *' *a! fr(i$0

B($ i$ !oe ee% $ha$ $he 3(e$ for o+$i%al re(l$ %a' re3(ire (

$o a*an!on .er$ain +ra.$i.e ra$her $han i%+l' +ilin# o$her/ *e$$er

+ra.$i.e on $o+ of $he%0 We ha-e $o eli%ina$e $he *a! $(ff/ li&e

+(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ in or!er for $he #oo! $(ff $o ,or&0



PUSHED TO SU88EED

Al$ho(#h i$1 no$ ,i!el' &no,n/ $he ,or! stress, ,hen (e! $o!e.ri*e o%eone1 e%o$ional $a$e/ i a.$(all' a %e$a+hor0 Ori#6

inall'/ $he $er% ,a li%i$e! $o $he .ien$ifi. $(!' of %e$al an! o$her %a$erial0 I$ referre! $o $he "$rain or !efor%a$ion5 9I1% 3(o$in# fro%%' !i.$ionar': $ha$ re(l$ fro% e2.ei-e for.e0 A $eel *ar i .a+a6

*le of $olera$in# onl' o %(.h $re *efore i$ na+0

So/ ,ha$ i i$ $ha$/ fi#(ra$i-el' +ea&in#/ .rea$e a .o%+ara*le

for.e on .hil!ren@ An! ,ha$ ha++en $o $he% ,hen $he' "[email protected] a .hil!1 a#e i re.or!e! in $,o !i#i$/ $he $a&e are

raie! in $he !i.i+line #a%e0 A!ole.en$ .an #e$ in$o %ore

$ro(*le/ an! ,hen $he' 9(n!er$an!a*l': re*el a#ain$ *ein#

.on$rolle!/ +aren$ are of$en $e%+$e! $o reor$ $o e-en $i#h$er

re#(la$ion an! %ore e-ere for% of +(nih%en$0 B($ ol!er

.hil!ren %a' e2+erien.e $re for ano$her reaon/ $oo0

In.reain#l' $he' #e$ $he %ea#e $ha$ $he'1re e2+e.$e! $o *e no$onl' .o%+lian$ *($ (..ef(l/ no$ onl' $o *e #oo! *($ $o !o ,ell0

For $he la$ .o(+le of !e.a!e/ *oo& *' %en$al heal$h +rofeion6

al an! o$her a($hor ha-e *een ,arnin# ( $ha$ .hil!ren are *ein#

h(rrie! an! +re(re! an! o-er.he!(le!0 A $(!' +(*lihe! in CC

fo(n! !i$(r*in#l' hi#h ra$e of !rin&in# 9e+e.iall' a%on# *o': an!

!e+reion 9e+e.iall' a%on# #irl: a%on# (*(r*an ele-en6 an!

P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D

$,el-e6'ear6ol!0 The reear.her +oin$e!l' $ra.e! $hoe

'%+$o% *a.& $o $he fa.$ $ha$ $hee &i! ,ere alrea!' *ein# le!

$o .on.en$ra$e on #e$$in# in$o $o+6ran&e! .olle#e0




of$en (nreali$i. !e%an! on $heir off+rin#0 Tha$ in-e$i#a$ion of

ele-en6 an! $,el-e6'ear6ol! .arrie! $he +ro-o.a$i-e $i$le

"Pri-ile#e! *($ Pre(re!@ A S$(!' of Affl(en$ Yo($h/5 an! one of

i$ a($hor ha! +re-io(l' !i.o-ere! $ha$ rela$i-el' ,eal$h'$eena#er ha-e hi#her ra$e of (*$an.e a*(e an! an2ie$' $han

!o $heir .o(n$er6+ar$ in $he inner .i$'0

Tha$1 a +oin$ ,ell ,or$h %en$ionin# $o $he +aren$ of (*(r*an

$eena#er 9an! oon6$o6*e6$eena#er:0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ o%e of $he

!e$ail .i$e! *' *oo& $ha$ ,arn a*o($ $he .o$ of +(hin# &i! $o e2.el

%a' *e a *i$ le rele-an$ o($i!e of .o(n$ie ,i$h na%e li&e Fairfiel!

an! We$.he$er an! Marin0 No$ all .hil!ren ha-e af$er6.hool .he!(le

$ha$ ,o(l! e2ha($ a 8EO)or/ if $he' !o/ i$ %a' a' %ore a*o($ $heir

nee! $o hol! !o,n a ;o* a oon a $he'1re ol! eno(#h0 So%e fa%ilie

are %ore ,orrie! a*o($ +a'in# off $heir .ar loan $han fi#(rin# o($ $he

*e$ ro($e for %ane(-erin# a l(2(r' $an& fro% %(i. leon $o

#'%na$i.0 An! if $here are +aren$ ,ho *ai.all' er-e a f(ll6$i%e

.on(l$an$ for $heir .hil!ren1 ".areer/5 le$1 no$ for#e$ $ha$ o%e +eo+le

a.ro $o,n .an onl' i%a#ine ,ha$ i$ %($ *e li&e $o ha-e $he !i+oa*le

in.o%e 9an! !i+oa*le $i%e: $o err in $ha$ !ire.$ion0

In hor$/ $he na$(re of $he +re(re e2+erien.e! *' .hil!ren $en!

$o -ar' *' nei#h*orhoo!0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ onl' ri.h &i! feel

+(he!0 S$r(##lin# ,or&in#6.la +aren$ %a' *e !e$er%ine! $o #i-e

$heir .hil!ren o++or$(ni$ie $ha$ $he' $he%el-e ne-er ha!/ an! e-en

%ore !e$er%ine! $o %a&e (re $heir .hil!ren $a&e f(ll a!-an$a#e of

$hoe o++or$(ni$ie0 The or$ of $re $hi +ro!(.e in1$ e2a.$l' $he

a%e a ,ha$1 fel$ *' $he &i! ,hoe +aren$ ini$ on hirin# a $($or

;($ on +rin.i+le0 B($ i$1 $re ;($ $he a%e0

The effe.$/ %oreo-er/ are +ar$i.(larl' !a%a#in# if &i! 9of an' in.o%e

le-el or e$hni. *a.&#ro(n!: are *ein# +re(re! no$ ;($ $o !o ,ell *($ $o

!o *e$$er $han $heir +eer0 S(.h .hil!ren .o%e $o re#ar! e-er'one aro(n!

$he% a +o$en$ial o*$a.le $o $heir o,n (..e0 The +re!i.$a*le re(l$

in.l(!e aliena$ion an! a##reion/ en-' 9of ,inner: an! .on$e%+$ 9for

loer:0 An! $heir elf6e$ee% of$en (ffer alon# ,i$h $heir rela$ionhi+0

Af$er all/ ,hen 'o(r ene of .o%+e$en.e




!e+en! on $ri(%+hin# o-er o$her/ 'o( ,ill/ a$ *e$/ feel rea(re!

an! .onfir%e! onl' o%e$i%e0 B' !efini$ion/ no$ e-er'one .an ,in0

Ba.& in $he J/ a +air of +'.holo#i$ $(!ie! %ore $han

ei#h$ h(n!re! hi#h .hool $(!en$ an! !i.o-ere! $ha$ $hoe ,ho

ha! *e.o%e .o%+e$i$i-e ,ere "(ni3(e *' -ir$(e of $heir #rea$er !e+en!6en.e on e-al(a$ion6 an! +erfor%an.e6*ae! ae%en$

of +eronal ,or$h05 Tranla$ion7 The ,a' $he' -ie,e! $he%el-e

hin#e! on ho, ,ell $he' !i! a$ .er$ain $a& an! on ,ha$ o$her

+eo+le $ho(#h$ of $he%0 8o%+e$i$ion %a&e elf6e$ee%

.on!i$ional an! +re.ario(/ an! i$ ha $ha$ effe.$ on ,inner an!

loer ali&e0 Wha$1 %ore/ $he effe.$ in1$ li%i$e! $o "e2.ei-e5

.o%+e$i$ion0 Ra$her/ i$ a++ear $ha$ an'$i%e .hil!ren are e$

a#ain$ one ano$her (.h $ha$ one .an (.6.ee! onl' *' %a&in#

o$her fail/ $here i a +'.holo#i.al +ri.e $o *e +ai!0

All of $hi offer a ne, len/ o $o +ea&/ $hro(#h ,hi.h $o -ie, ,arn6

in# $ha$ ,e1re !oin# $oo %(.h for o(r .hil!ren/ in!(l#in# $he%/

*e.o%in# o-erl' in-ol-e! in $heir li-e0 The real 3(e$ion/ I ,o(l!

ar#(e/ in1$ ho, %(.h ,e1re !oin# *($ %hat ,e1re !oin#0 S(re/ i$

%a&e ene $o eae (+ if ,e1-e #o$$en .arrie! a,a' ,i$h %a&in# &i!

a..o%+lih %ore)or/ ,ore 'e$/ ,i$h $r'in# $o +oi$ion $he% a (+e6

rior $o $heir +eer0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e ho(l! *e !oin# le +ar6

en$in#0 I$ %ean ,e ho(l! *e !oin# *e$$er +aren$in#)for e2a%+le/

*ein# %ore (++or$i-e an! le .on$rollin#0 9I1ll a' %ore a*o($ ho, $o

!o o in .ha+$er $hro(#h 0:

Ra$her $han ;($ a&in# ,he$her ,e1re !oin# $oo %(.h for o(r &i!/

i$ %a' *e %ore (ef(l 9$ho(#h +o$en$iall' %ore (ne$$lin#: $o a& )or

%ho ,e1re !oin# i$0 A$ fir$ i$ %a' ee% $ha$ +aren$ ,ho +(h are

#(il$' onl' of +la.in# $heir .hil!ren1 ha++ine ahea! of $heir o,n/ a

a re.en$ *oo& a*o($ "h'+er+aren$in#5 +($ i$0 B($ loo& a#ain7 In o%e

.ae/ ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on i a +heno%enon &no,n a BIRG9Ba&in# in Refle.$e! Glor':0 The $er% ((all' refer $o $he +ri!e an!

e2(l$a$ion of +or$ fan ,hen $heir $ea% ,in/ *($ i$ alo ee% an




a+$ !e.ri+$ion of +aren$ ,ho !eri-e a -i.ario( ene of

-in!i.a$ion fro% $he (..e of $heir &i!0 Thee are $he fol& ,ho

%ana#e $o le$ 'o( &no,/ ,i$hin a fe, %in($e of %ee$in# $he%/

$ha$ $heir .hil! i in $he #if$e! +ro#ra%/ or %a!e $he all6$a$e $enni$ea%/ or #o$ in$o S$anfor!)earl' a..e+$an.e/ no le0 9I (e! $o

+aro!' $hi +o$(re *' anno(n.in# $o %' frien! $ha$ I ,a $erri*l'

,orrie! *e.a(e %' !a(#h$er $ill %o-e! her li+ ,hile he ,a

rea!in# e-en $ho(#h he ,a alrea!' $,o 'ear ol!0:

O*-io(l'/ $here1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h *ein# +ro(! of o(r &i!0 B($

,hen $he *ra##in# ee% e2.ei-e),hen i$1 $oo in$ene/ or $oo fre6

3(en$/ or $ar$ (+ $oo 3(i.&l')i$1 +oi*le $ha$ $he +aren$1 i!en$i$' i

a li$$le $oo ,ra++e! (+ in $he .hil!1 a..o%+lih%en$0 Thi i +ar6

$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen $he *oa$ o(n!/ ,ell/ %ore $ri(%+han$ $han lo-6

in#0 The' ha-e a .o%+e$i$i-e rin# $o $he%/ $he no$6o6(*$le +oin$

*ein# $ha$ $he .hil! in 3(e$ion in1$ ;($ %ar$ *($ %ar$er $han e-er'

o$her &i!0 9I$1 $he a%e ,i$h $hoe (*i3(i$o( *(%+er $i.&er7

MY 8HILD IS AN HONORS STUDENT AT THE SO6 AND6SO S8HOOL),i$h $he

(n!er$oo! +o$.ri+$ AND YOURS ISN1T0:

Li$enin# $o $hee +aren$/ 'o( *e#in $o (+e.$ $ha$ $he

a..o%6+lih%en$ ha-en1$ e2a.$l' ha++ene! on $heir o,n/ *($

ha-e *een .oa2e! o($ of $he .hil! *' a %o% or !a! ,ho i

ho-erin# $oo .loe/ +(hin# $oo har!/ an! %a'*e lo-in# no$ $oo

%(.h *($ $oo .on!i$ion6all'0 Yo( .an1$ hel+ ,on!erin# ,he$her $heir

&i! *elie-e $he'1! $ill *e lo-e! e-en if $he' $o++e! *ein# o

i%+rei-e0 The (n.on.io( e3(a$ion "M' &i!1 a (..e/

$herefore I a%/ $oo5)or %a'*e e-en "M' &i!1 a (..e/ an! I1%

$he reaon5)i !ire.$l' $ie! $o $a.$i. (.h a $he ele.$i-e (e of

+oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$/ ,here .hil!ren fi#6(re o($ $ha$ $he' ha-e $o

%a&e #oo! in or!er $o #e$ h(# an! %ile/ an! $ha$ $heir +aren$

aren1$ +ro(! of $he% for ,ho $he' are/ onl' for ,ha$ $he' !o0

Ba.& ,hen I ,a #ro,in# (+/ o%e +aren$ $rie! $o $ar$ $heir .hil6!ren in &in!er#ar$en a 'ear earl'/ or arran#e for $he% $o &i+ a #ra!e

la$er on/ o $he' ,o(l! *e $ha$ %(.h f(r$her ahea! on $he roa! $o 0 0 0

,here-er i$ ,a $he' ,ere ra.in#0 Thee !a'/ $he a%e or$ of +aren$P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D



%a&e a +oin$ of %aiting a 'ear *efore ha-in# $heir &i! $ar$ .hool o

$ha$ $he'1ll *e ol!er)an! $herefore/ +re(%a*l'/ %ore a!e+$)$han

$heir .la%a$e0 9Thi +ra.$i.e i &no,n a redshirting )ano$her $er%

*orro,e! fro% .o%+e$i$i-e +or$0: The J6!e#ree hif$ in $ra$e#' i

al%o$ .o%i.al/ *($ $he real 3(e$ion in ei$her .ae i ,he$her $he

!e.iion i reall' *ein# %a!e on $he *ai of ,ha$1 *e$ for $he .hil!0

A#ain/ ,e nee! $o a& no$ ;($ ,he$her $he +aren$ i $oo in-ol-e!/ *($

,ha$ for% $he in-ol-e%en$ $a&e an! ,ha$1 %o$i-a$in# i$0

!t &chool

When 'o(1re $r(l' fo.(e! on ,ha$1 in 'o(r &i!1 *e$ in$ere$)

an! ,illin# $o 3(e$ion $he .on-en$ional ,i!o%)'o( %a' en! (+

o-er6$(rnin# o%e -er' +o+(lar a(%+$ion a*o($ $he na$(re of

(..e0 Ta&e #ra!e0 E-en %an' $ho(#h$f(l an! re+e.$f(l

+aren$ ha-e a..e+$e! on fai$h $ha$ i$1 a #oo! i#n ,hen &i! #e$

#oo! #ra!e0 The'1re $herefore !eli#h$e! $o ee $heir .hil!ren

!oin# o0 E-en *efore $a&in# a har! loo& a$ $he %e$ho! $ha$ o%e

+aren$ (e $o %a&e .hil6!ren ,or& $o,ar! $ha$ #oal/ ho,e-er/ I

,an$ $o o(n! a no$e of .a(6$ion a*o($ $he ,hole i!ea of #ra!e0

M' .on.ern are *ae! on $he fa.$ $ha$ $here are !ifferen$ &in! of

%o$i-a$ion/ ,hi.h aren1$ e3(all' !eira*le 9ee ++0 Q:0 There1 a

h(#e !ifferen.e *e$,een a $(!en$ ,hoe o*;e.$i-e i $o #e$ a #oo!

#ra!e an! a $(!en$ ,hoe o*;e.$i-e i $o ol-e a +ro*le% or (n!er6

$an! a $or'0 Wha$1 %ore/ $he reear.h (##e$ $ha$ ,hen &i! are

en.o(ra#e! $o fo.( on #e$$in# *e$$er %ar& in .hool/ $hree $hin#

$en! $o ha++en7 The' loe in$ere$ in $he learnin# i$elf/ $he' $r' $o

a-oi! $a& $ha$ are .hallen#in#/ an! $he'1re le li&el' $o $hin& !ee+l'

an! .ri$i.all'0 Le$1 e2+lore ea.h of $hee0

1. <($ a .hil!ren ,ho are re,ar!e! for $heir #eneroi$' ((all' en!

(+ *ein# le #enero(/ o $(!en$ ,ho #e$ A1)or/ %ore $o $he

+oin$/ $(!en$ ,hoe %ain #oal i $o #e$ A1)are a+$ $o *e.o%e

le in$ere$e! in ,ha$ $he'1re learnin#0 Thi !oen1$




ha++en ,i$h e-er' .hil! o%e ee% $o ha-e a na$(ral

i%%(ni$' $o $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of #ra!e0 B($ $he ri& i

-er' hi#h for %o$ .hil!ren0 A far a I &no,/ e-er' in#le $(!'

$ha$ ha loo&e! a$ $hi 3(e$ion ha fo(n! $ha$ $(!en$ ,hoare $ol! $ha$ an ai#n%en$ ,ill *e #ra!e! are le li&el' $o

en;o' ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#)an! $o ,an$ $o .o%e *a.& $o i$ on

$heir o,n $i%e)a .o%+are! ,i$h $(!en$ ,ho !o $he e2a.$

a%e ai#n%en$ *($ ,i$ho($ an' %en$ion of #ra!e0 E-en a

$errifi. $or'/ or an e2.i$in# .ien.e +ro;e.$/ 3(i.&l' *e.o%e

le a++eal6in# ,hen i$1 .on$r(e! a o%e$hin# 'o( ha-e $o

#e$ $hro(#h $o na# $he A or or #ol! $ar0 The %ore a .hil!

i $hin&in# a*o($ #ra!e/ $he %ore li&el' i$ i $ha$ hi or her

na$(ral .(rio6i$' a*o($ $he ,orl! ,ill $ar$ $o e-a+ora$e0

2. Gra!e lea! $(!en$ $o +i.& $he eaie$ +oi*le ai#n%en$

,hen $he'1re #i-en a .hoi.e0 I%+re (+on $he% $ha$ ,ha$ $he'1re

!oin# ".o(n$5 $o,ar! a #ra!e/ an! $heir re+one ,ill li&el' *e $o

a-oi! $a&in# an' (nne.ear' ri&0 I$ !oen1$ $a&e &i! lon# $ofi#(re o($ $ha$ !oin# eaier $a& i $he (re$ ro($e $o *e$$er

re(l$0 The'1ll .hooe a hor$er *oo&/ or an ea' on a %ore

fa%iliar $o+i./ in or!er $o %ini%ie $he .han.e of !oin# +oorl'0 Thi

!oen1$ %ean $he'1re "(n%o$i-a$e!5 or $ha$ $he'1re *ein# la'0 I$

%ean $he'1re *ein# ra$ional0 The'1re re+on!in# $o a!(l$ ,ho/ *'

$ellin# $he% $he #oal i $o #e$ a #oo! #ra!e/ are en!in# $he

%ea#e $ha$ success atters ore than learn-ing 0 One $(!'

fo(n! $ha$ +aren$ ,ho -al(e! a.hie-e%en$ a*o-e o$her #oal

,ere %ore li&el' $o ,an$ $heir .hil!ren $o .hooe +ro;e.$ "$ha$

,o(l! in-ol-e a %ini%(% of $r(##le an! li&el' re(l$ in (..e5

ra$her $han $hoe ",here $he'1ll learn a

lo$ of ne, $hin# *($ alo %a&e a lo$ of %i$a&e05J B'

.on$ra$/ ,hen +aren$ %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ learnin# 9an!

e2.i$e%en$ a*o($ learnin#: i %ore i%+or$an$ $han $he

3(ali$' of $he +ro!(.$/ &i! are %ore in.line! $o $re$.h

$he%el-e/ $o $a.&le o%e$hin# in$ere$in# an! ne,/ e-en if

$he'1re no$ (re ho, ,ell $he'1ll en! (+ !oin#0




3. A 3(e$ for #oo! #ra!e of$en lea! $(!en$ $o $hin& in a %ore

hallo, an! (+erfi.ial ,a'0 The' %a' &i% *oo& for ,ha$ $he'1ll

"nee! $o &no,/5 !oin# ;($ ,ha$1 re3(ire! an! no %ore0 The' %a'

!e-ie $ri.& for a.in# $he e2a%0 The' %a' e-en .hea$0 Ki! ,hoare #oo! a$ +la'in# $he #a%e ,ill +a $he $e$/ #e$ $he A/ an!

+leae $he +aren$0 B($ !o $he' en! (+ re%e%6*erin# ,ha$ $he'

,ere $a(#h$@ Do $he' .o%e (+ ,i$h ne, an! in-en$i-e ,a' of

ol-in# +ro*le%@ Do $he' a& $ho(#h$f(l 3(e$ion a*o($ ,ha$

$he $ea.her ai!/ or $hin& .ri$i.all' a*o($ ,ha$ ,a in $he *oo&@ Do

$he' %a&e .onne.$ion *e$,een !i-ere i!ea an! loo& a$ a $o+i.

fro% !ifferen$ an#le@ So%e6$i%e/ +erha+/ $he' !o/ *($ $he

reear.h a' $hee $hin# are le li&el' $o ha++en if $he +oin$ i

no$ o %(.h $o (n!er$an! a $o +ro!(.e a #lo,in# re+or$ .ar!0

The $i$le of one .holarl' ar$i.le a*o($ re,ar! in #eneral i a #oo!

!e.ri+$ion of #ra!e in +ar$i.(lar7 "Ene%ie of E2+lora$ion05

In (%7 The %ore ,e ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o 9: *e lifelon# learn6er/

#en(inel' e2.i$e! a*o($ ,or! an! n(%*er an! i!ea/ 9C: a-oi!

$i.&in# ,i$h ,ha$1 ea' an! afe/ an! 9: *e.o%e o+hi$i.a$e!

$hin&er/ $he %ore ,e ho(l! !o e-er'$hin# +oi*le $o hel+ $he% for6

#e$ a*o($ #ra!e0 Be$$er 'e$/ ,e1! ,an$ $o en.o(ra#e $ea.her an!

+rin.i+al $o %ini%ie 9or e-en eli%ina$e: $he (e of #ra!e0 A o%e6

one ,ho ,or& ,i$h e!(.a$or all o-er $he .o(n$r'/ I .an $ell 'o( $ha$

%an' of $he .hool $ha$ are $r(l' .o%%i$$e! $o hi#h63(ali$' learn6in#

)an! $o en(rin# $ha$ $(!en$ !on1$ loe $heir na$(ral love of

learnin#)%a&e a +oin$ of a-oi!in# le$$er an! n(%*er #ra!e al$o6

#e$her0 The' fin! %ore infor%a$i-e an! le !e$r(.$i-e %e$ho!/

(.h a ,ri$$en (%%arie or +eronal .on-era$ion/ for le$$in#

+aren$ &no, ho, ,ell $heir .hil!ren are !oin# an! ,here $he' %i#h$

nee! hel+0 An!/ no/ $hee $(!en$ !on1$ ha-e an' $ro(*le #e$$in# in$o

.ol6le#e a a re(l$ of $he a*en.e of #ra!e0

S(.h .hool are $ill in $he %inori$'/ of .o(re0 Mo$ .on$in(e $o

rel' on $ra!i$ional re+or$ .ar!/ an! i$1 (n!er$an!a*le $ha$ +aren$



JC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

,o(l! feel rea(re! *' #oo! one an! ,orrie! a*o($ *a! one0

We1re ,e+$ alon# ,i$h $he $i!e0 We ,an$ o(r &i! $o #e$ #oo! #ra!e

*e.a(e $ha$ ee% $o *e $he *e$ in!i.a$or of .hool (..e/ an!

alo *e.a(e fe, of ( ha-e e-er *een $ol! a*o($ $he !e$r(.$i-eeffe.$ of #ra!e)or $he al$erna$i-e $o $he%0 Wha$1 %ore/ %e ,ere

ra$e! an! #ra!e! ,hen ,e ,ere in .hool0 B($ $ha$ ;($ %a&e i$ %ore

i%+or$an$ $o (n!er$an! $he +o$en$ial har% of a +ra.$i.e ,e1-e .o%e

$o $a&e for #ran$e!/ an! $o realie $ha$ $he i%+or$an$ 3(e$ion in1$

,ha$ #ra!e o(r &i! #e$/ *($ ,he$her $he'1-e .o%e $o ee #ra!e a

%ore i%+or6$an$ $han learnin#0

Gra!e *' $he%el-e are +ro*le%a$i.0 B($ ,hen ,e reall' +(h

o(r &i! $o #e$ *e$$er #ra!e)in effe.$/ $a&in# a fla,e! #oal an!

%arr'in# i$ $o a fla,e! %e$ho!)$he !a%a#e i !o(*le!0

The e-i!en.e i +re$$' .lear $ha$ $oo %(.h .on$rol in general

.an ha-e a ne#a$i-e i%+a.$/ no$ onl' on .hil!ren1 %en$al heal$h

*($ alo on ho, ,ell $he' !o in .hool0 Ki! are le li&el' $o

(..ee! on a ran#e of %ea(re of .laroo% a.hie-e%en$ if $heir

+aren$ !on1$ #i-e $he% %(.h o++or$(ni$' $o %a&e !e.iion or $o

feel a ene of elf6!e$er%ina$ion0 I$1 alo .lear $ha$ $oo %(.h

+aren$al .on$rol speci)i-cally related to school assignents i

+o$en$iall' !a%a#in#0 Tha$ .on.l(ion e%er#e! fro% $he $(!'

ho,in# $ha$ &i! en! (+ learn6in# le ,ell ,hen $heir +aren$ (e

a .on$rollin# $'le ,hile !oin# ho%e,or& ,i$h $he% 9+0 :0

B($ no, le$1 a!! $ha$ .on$rol speci)ically related to grades i alo *a!0

So%e +aren$ +ro%ie .hil!ren an'$hin# fro% .an!' $o .ah $o .ar ,hen

$he' *rin# ho%e a #oo! re+or$ .ar!0 9Sin.e #ra!e $he%6el-e are

((all' !ei#ne! $o f(n.$ion a e2$rini. %o$i-a$or/ $hi a%o(n$ $o

offerin# a re,ar! for a re,ar!0: So%e +aren$ (e +(ni6$i-e .on$rol/

$hrea$enin# $heir .hil!ren ,i$h -ario( (n+leaan$ $hin# if $he ne, fro%

.hool in1$ #oo!0 T,o !ifferen$ $(!ie ha-e +ro-e! $ha$ $hee $a.$i. a$

*e$ !on1$ hel+ an! a$ ,or$ e2a.er*a$e $he +ro*6le%0 S+e.ifi.all'/

.hil!ren ,ho ,ere offere! in.en$i-e for #oo! #ra!e




or #i-en .one3(en.e for *a! #ra!e $en!e! $o *e.o%e le

in$ere$e! in learnin# an!/ a a re(l$/ le li&el' $o !o ,ell in

.hool la$er on/ a++aren$l' a a !ire.$ re(l$ of $hee +aren$al

in$er-en$ion0 In fa.$/ $he %ore $ha$ a.hie-e%en$ ,a $he +aren$1

.hief .on.ern/ $he lo,er ,a $he .hil!1 a.hie-e%en$0

Thi +ara!o2/ of .o(re/ i $ri&in#l' i%ilar $o $he ,a' $ha$ hea-'6

han!e! !i.i+line $e.hni3(e .an %a&e .hil!ren le li&el' $o !o ,ha$

$he'1re $ol!0 In *o$h i$(a$ion/ ,e1re ,i$nein# $he ,a' $ha$ .on$rol $en!

$o *a.&fire0 In $he .ae of #ra!e/ $he reear.h i ;($ .onfir%in#

o%e$hin# $ha$ %an' of ( ha-e een0 Yo( +(h &i! har!)a'/ $o !o

$heir ho%e,or&)an! of$en $he'1ll $r' $o al-a#e $heir a($ono%' ei$her

$hro(#h o($ri#h$ re*ellion or $hro(#h a &in! of +ai-e rei$an.e7 The'

for#e$/ $he' ,hine/ $he' +($ off $(!'in# an! fin! o$her $hin# $o !o0 The

%ore 'o( le.$(re $he% a*o($ $he i%+or$an.e of #oo! #ra!e/ or rel' on

.arro$ an! $i.& $o %a&e i$ ,or$h $heir ,hile $o #e$ $he%/ $he %ore $he'

reen$ *ein# .on$rolle! an! $he lo,er $heir #ra!e fall0

Wha$1 $ro(*lin# a*o($ $hi i no$ $ha$ &i! %a' en! (+ ,i$h

lo,er #ra!e0 Af$er all/ I1-e *een ar#(in# $ha$ #ra!e aren1$ $erri*l'

%ean6in#f(l0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ o(#h$ $o .on.ern ( i $he +oi*ili$' $ha$

&i! %a' fi#h$ *a.& a#ain$ $he +re(re $o !o *e$$er in .hool *'

in-e$in# le effor$/ ,i$h $he re(l$ $ha$ $he' a.$(all' learn le0

Ne-er %in! !i6a++oin$in# re+or$ .ar!7 If ,e +(h .hil!ren $oo

har!/ $he' %a' ,in! (+ !oin# le 9or +oorer 3(ali$': $hin&in#0

Of .o(re/ $here1 a .han.e $ha$ .oer.ion ,ill .arr' $he !a'/ $ha$

,hen ,e $i#h$en $he .re,/ o%e &i! %a' hi$ $he *oo& an! *rin#

(+ $heir #ra!e e2a.$l' a ,e in$en!e!0 We %i#h$ e-en (..ee! in

#e$6$in# $he% in$o $he .olle#e of o(r)e2.(e %e/ $heir).hoi.e0 B($

a#ain/ e2a.$l' a ,i$h !i.i+line/ $here1 ((all' a $ee+ +ri.e $o *e

+ai! for (.h -i.$orie0 Wha$ ha o(r in$er-en$ion !one $o $he ,a' &i!

feel a*o($ $he%el-e/ an! a*o($ (@ Wha$ !oe $he $re !o $o $heir

e%o6$ional heal$h@ An! ,ha$ a*o($ $heir interest in rea!in# an!

$hin&in#@ If #ra!e *' $he%el-e .an %a&e learnin# ee% li&e a.hore/ ;($ i%a#6ine ho, $ha$ effe.$ i %(l$i+lie! *' $he a!!i$ion of

+aren$al +re(re $o i%+ro-e $hoe #ra!e0




"I !on1$ hear +aren$ !i.(in# ho, $o hel+ .hil!ren lo-e rea!in#/5

one Ne, Yor& $ea.her o*er-e0 "I hear $he% !i.(in# ho, $he' #o$

$hee .hil!ren $o rea! a$ a 'o(n# an a#e a +oi*le05 An! $hoe

*a.&,ar! +riori$ie ha-e effe.$ $ha$ are *o$h +re!i.$a*le an! +eri$6en$0 For e2a%+le/ a frien! of %ine ,ho .o(nel $(!en$ in Flori!a

on.e $ol! %e a*o($ a hi#h .hool .lien$ of hi ,ho ,a on $he honor

roll an! ha! a%ain# *oar! .ore0 I$ re%aine! onl' $o &no.& o($ a

!alin# ea' on hi .olle#e a++li.a$ion $ha$ ,o(l! .lin.h $he ale0

"Wh' !on1$ ,e $ar$ ,i$h o%e *oo& $ha$ ha! an i%+a.$ on 'o(/5

(##e$e! $he .o(nelor0 "Tell %e a*o($ o%e$hin# 'o(1-e rea! for

+lea(re)no$ for an ai#n%en$05 A +ainf(l ilen.e follo,e!0 There

,ere no *oo& $o *e li$e! $he -er' .on.e+$ of rea!in# for +lea(re

,a (nfa%iliar $o $hi $ellar $(!en$0 I ha-e $ol! $hi $or' !(rin# le.6

$(re $o +aren$ an! e!(.a$or/ onl' $o ee hea! no!!in# all o-er $he

a(!i$ori(%0 In %an' +la.e/ (.h $(!en$ are $he r(le ra$her $han $he

e2.e+$ion0 Wh' ,o(l! $he' ,an$ $o rea! o%e$hin# $ha$ ,an1$

re3(ire!@ No #ra!e@ No $e$@ No +oin$0

Ironi.all'/ o%e +aren$ are +leae! ,hen $he' no lon#er ha-e $o

$an! *ehin! $heir &i!/ #oa!in#/ e2hor$in#/ +(hin# $he% $o $r'

har!er0 A$ o%e +oin$ $he .hil!ren in$ernalie $hee +re(re an!/ o

$o +ea&/ $a&e $he ,hi+ in$o $heir o,n han!0 The' feel o%e$hin# i

,ron# ,i$h $he% ,hen $he' !on1$ (..ee!0 B' no,/ $he %o$i-a$ion $o

$(!' an! a.hie-e i internal, *($ i$ (rel' in1$ intrinsic. The' !o i$ on

$heir o,n/ *($ i$ !oen1$ feel freel' .hoen)an! i$ !oen1$ feel ;o'6f(l0

Tha$ &in! of in$ernalia$ion i o%e$hin# ,e o(#h$ $o fear an! $ri-e $o

+re-en$0 Af$er all/ $he .(rioi$' $ha$ *(**le (+ o($ of 'o(n# .hil!ren

!oen1$ !ia++ear na$(rall'/ li&e *a*' $ee$h0 Ra$her/ i$1 %o$h6ere! *'

+e.ifi. $hin# $ha$ ha++en)$hin# $ha$ !on1$ ha-e $o ha+6+en)in

fa%ilie an! .hool0

So7 Gra!e are *a!/ an! (in# .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e $o %a&e &i!

fo.( on *rin#in# (+ $heir #ra!e i ,ore0 Wor$ of all/ $ho(#h/ i

,hen $hoe .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e a!! (+ $o .on!i$ional +aren$in#0




So%e +aren$ !on1$ offer %one' for $rai#h$ A1 in$ea!/ $he' +a'

off $heir &i! ,i$h affe.$ion an! a++ro-al0 In effe.$/ $he'1re (in#

$heir lo-e a a le-er $o #e$ $heir &i! $o (..ee!)$o $he +oin$ $ha$

$heir .hil6!ren %a' .o%e $o feel a $ho(#h $heir +aren$1 +oi$i-e

feelin# for $he% rie an! fall ,i$h $heir #ra!e +oin$ a-era#e0The i$(a$ion i +ar$i.(larl' o%ino( ,hen lo-e ee% $o *e ".on6

$in#en$ (+on %ee$in# -er' hi#h an! of$en (nreali$i. $an!ar!/5 a

one reear.her +($ i$0 When .hil!ren feel $he' %($ &ee+ !oin#

i%+re6i-e $hin# o $heir +aren$ ,ill *e +ro(! of $he%/ $heir

a..e+$an.e of $he%el-e %a' *e.o%e e3(all' .on!i$ional0 "So%e of

$hee &i! li-e in .on$an$ fear of le$$in# $heir +aren$ !o,n/5 o*er-e

Lilian Ka$/ an e2+er$ on earl'6.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion0 In fa.$/ a ne,

$(!' fin! $ha$ .hil!ren ,hoe +aren$ (e lo-e6,i$h!ra,al

$e.hni3(e are e+e.iall' li&el' $o har*or an (nheal$h' fear of fail(re0

9In$ere$in#l'/ $he $(!' alo (##e$ $ha$ $he +aren$1 !e.iion $o (e

$hee $e.hni3(e %a' *e rela$e! $o $heir o,n fear of fail(re0:C

A+ar$ fro% *ein# +'.holo#i.all' !e$r(.$i-e/ $hi +a$$ern .an *e

li$erall' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ (n!er%inin# 9on.e a#ain: e2a.$l' ,ha$ $he

+aren$ ha! ho+e! $o +ro%o$e0 For e2a%+le/ o%e .hil!ren en#a#e in

,ha$1 &no,n a "elf6han!i.a++in#57 The' .eae $o %a&e an effor$ in

or!er $o .rea$e an e2.(e for no$ (..ee!in#0 Thi le$ $he% +reer-e

$he i!ea $ha$ $he'1re %ar$0 The'1re a*le $o $ell $he%el-e $ha$ if $he'

had $(!ie!/ $he' %i#h$ ha-e !one in.re!i*l' ,ell0 The %ore -(lner6

a*le $heir ene of elf6,or$h/ $he %ore $e%+$in# $he (r#e i $o +ro$e.$

i$ *' ;($ #i-in# (+0 To +($ $hi ano$her ,a'/ *' han!i.a++in# $heir

+erfor%an.e $he' in.reae $he .han.e of failin#/ *($ $he' !o o $o

a-oi! ha-in# $o $hin& of $he%el-e a fail(re)an! $herefore a

*ein# (n,or$h' of lo-e0

!t 6Play8

In o%e fa%ilie/ (..e i %ore a*o($ a$hle$i. $han a*o($ a.a!e%6

i.0 B($ $he +re(re $o a.hie-e $ha$ (..e)alon# ,i$h $he .o$)




in1$ all $ha$ !ifferen$0 Wen!' Grolni.&/ ,hoe reear.h on +aren$al

.on$rol I1-e alrea!' !e.ri*e!/ ha *een $r(.& no$ onl' *' $he re(l$

of her .ien$ifi. $(!ie *($ alo *' ,ha$ he ee aro(n! $o,n0 She

$ell a $or'/ for e2a%+le/ of .ha$$in# ,i$h a *o'1 %o$her a$ a ,i%%ee$ one !a' an! no$i.in# $he ,o%an1 (e of $he +l(ral/ a in "We

!e.i!e! ,e ,o(l! ,i% $hi 'ear/5 e-en $ho(#h he .learl' ,an1$

$al&6in# a*o($ #e$$in# in $he ,a$er herelf0 Her on .li%*e! o($ of $he

+ool ri#h$ a*o($ $hen an! ,al&e! o-er $o her/ o*-io(l' (+e$/ a'in#

$ha$ he ha! ha! eno(#h of .o%+e$i$ion0 The %o$her %a!e a -ii*le

effor$ $o %ain$ain her .o%+o(re/ #lan.e! aro(n! $o ee if an'one

,a li6$enin#/ an! infor%e! hi% he ,a #oin# $o .on$in(e ,i%%in#

,he$her he li&e! i$ or no$0 When $he *o' +ro$e$e!/ he ai!/ "If 'o(

!on1$ ,i% $o!a'/ i$1 o-er0 Yo( are no$ #oin# $o !o $hi $o %e a#ain05

The *o' *e#an $o o* %iera*l'0

An'one ,ho ha +en$ $i%e a$ *all+ar&/ o..er fiel!/ or ho.&e'

rin& ha i%ilar $orie $o $ell of a++allin# +aren$al *eha-ior0 Da!

an! %o% ,ho .rea% a$ referee/ a$ .oa.he/ a$ o++oin# $ea%/

e-en a$ $heir o,n .hil!ren are e-er',here/ i$ ee% $he +ro*le% ha

*e.o%e en!e%i.0 B($ %ore $ellin#/ +erha+/ are $he +aren$ ,ho (e

a li#h$er $o(.h/ $hoe ,ho %a&e a +oin$ of anno(n.in# $ha$ ,innin#

!oen1$ reall' %a$$er $ha$ %(.h0 The' re.oil fro% $he *eha-ior of $ha$

a*(i-e +aren$ !o,n $he *lo.&/ *($ $he' ne-er$hele %ana#e $o

%a&e .lear $o $heir .hil!ren $ha$ +ar$i.i+a$ion in .o%+e$i$i-e +or$ i

e2+e.$e!0 An! o i (..e0

Follo,in# o%e of %' le.$(re/ I1-e ha! +aren$ ee& %e o($ $o

e%+haie $ha$ ",e onl' a& of o(r ?a.h $ha$ he !o hi *e$05 M' fir$

rea.$ion i $ha$ ha-in# $o !o 'o(r *e$ a$ a #a%e i a far .r' fro% i%6

+l' ha-in# f(n0 M' e.on! rea.$ion i $ha$ i$1 of$en +erfe.$l' .lear $o

?a.h $ha$ o%e$hin# ele i #oin# on (n!ernea$h $hee oo$hin#

a(r6an.e0 I ,an$ $o a&7 "When ?a.h .o%e ho%e an! a' he !i!

hi *e$/ !o 'o( rea.$ $he a%e ,a' a ,hen he .o%e ho%e ,i$h a$ro6+h'@ If no$/ $hen he1 +ro*a*l' fi#(re! o($ $ha$ 'o(r a$$en$ion an!

e2.i$e%en$ !e+en! a$ lea$ +ar$l' on hi a.hie-e%en$)or/ %ore +re6

.iel'/ on hi !efea$in# o$her &i!05 I$ !oen1$ %a$$er ,he$her ,e1re




$al&in# a*o($ a $ro+h' or an A/ a*o($ .orin# $he ,innin# #oal or

%a&in# $he honor roll0 The +oin$ i $ha$ &i! in (.h fa%ilie feel

$he' %($ (..ee! in or!er $o *e lo-e!0

In e2$re%e .ae/ ,e fin! +aren$ ,ho nee! $heir .hil!ren $o $ri6

(%+h o $ha$ $he' $he%el-e .an feel (..ef(l0 B($ e-en+eo+le ,ho aren1$ li&e $ha$/ e-en $hoe ,ho +ri!e $he%el-e on

no$ #e$$in# .ar6rie! a,a'/ %a' ,an$ $o re$hin& $heir e-er'!a'

*eha-ior an! ,ei#h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# a#ain$ ,ha$ $he' ,an$ for

$heir .hil!ren in $he lon# r(n0 Are o(r #oal li&el' $o *e a.hie-e! if

,e +(h o(r &i! $o (..ee!@ If $he'1re !oin# i$ %o$l' for (@ If i$1

no$ reall' f(n *($ $he'1re afrai! $o a' o@

Man' 'ear a#o/ I ,a a #(e$ on a ,ell6&no,n af$ernoon $al&

ho,0 Si$$in# alon#i!e %e ,a a e-en6'ear6ol! *o' na%e! K'le

,hoe +ar6en$ ,ere !e-o$in# %o$ of $heir $i%e/ a ,ell a an

in.on.ei-a*le a%o(n$ of %one'/ $o $he +ro;e.$ of %a&in# hi% in$o a

$enni $ar0 Hi %o$her ini$e! $ha$ i$ ,a en$irel' $he *o'1 !e.iion

$o +la')e-en $ho(#h he herelf ,a a $enni $ar an! hi in$eni-e

leon ha! $ar$e! ,hen he ,a $,o0 9La$er/ he li++e! an! ai!

o%e$hin# a*o($ ,h' he an! her h(*an! ha! "+($ hi%5 in $enni a

o++oe! $o ano$her +or$0: We learne! $ha$ he +ra.$i.e! *e$,een $,o

an! fi-e ho(r a !a'/ an! ,e ,a$.he! a $a+e of hi% ener#e$i.all'

re$(rnin# er-e an! .a%+erin# aro(n! $he .o(r$0 Then/ in $he final

%o%en$ of $he +ro#ra%/ a $he .loin# .re!i$ ,ere .ra,lin# (+ $he

.reen/ o%eone in $he a(!ien.e a&e! K'le ho, he fel$ ,hen he

lo$0 He lo,6ere! hi hea! an!/ in a %all -oi.e/ re+lie!/ "Aha%e!05

Thi 3(ie$/ one6,or! re+l' .o%e *a.& $o %e a I $hin& a*o($ $he

.one3(en.e of +(hin# .hil!ren0 Fe, +aren$ #o $o $he len#$h $ha$

K'le1 !i!/ $han& #oo!ne/ *($ $he ha%e he fel$ in loin#/ in le$$in#

!o,n $he +eo+le ,ho ,ere e2+e.$in#/ if no$ !e%an!in#/ re(l$ fro%

hi%/ ,ill *e fa%iliar $o +len$' of .hil!ren in o(r o,n nei#h*orhoo!0

Perha+ +ar$ of $he +ro*le% i ,i$h $enni i$elf an! o$her +or$0 <($

a $here are *e$$er ,a' $o .o%%(ni.a$e a*o($ .hil!ren1 .hool+erfor%an.e $han #i-in# le$$er #ra!e/ o I *elie-e $here are *e$$er ,a'

for &i! $o ha-e f(n 9an! #e$ e2er.ie an! a.3(ire +h'i.al &ill: $han



JJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

*' +la'in# #a%e in ,hi.h one +eron .an (..ee! onl' *'

%a&in# o%eone ele fail0 Ho,e-er/ e-en +aren$ ,ho aren1$

in.line! $o .on6i!er $hoe al$erna$i-e %i#h$ ,an$ $o a& ,he$her

$heir .hil!ren re#ar! +or$ a o%e$hin# .loer $o ,or& $han $o+la')an!/ if o/ ,h'0

The 'ittle Engine That 5ust

In $he earl' J/ a I *e#an ,ha$ $(rne! o($ $o *e a %(l$i'ear in-e6

$i#a$ion of $he effe.$ of .o%+e$i$ion/ I ha! a fe, h(n.he a*o($ ,ha$ I

%i#h$ !i.o-er0 I #(ee! $he !a$a ,o(l! ho, $ha$ .o%+e$in# ,an1$

#oo! for o(r +'.holo#i.al heal$h or for o(r rela$ionhi+0 I ,a ri#h$0

B($ I alo e2+e.$e! $o fin! e-i!en.e .onfir%in# ,ha$ I1! al,a' hear!

,a $r(e)$ha$ .o%+e$i$ion "%o$i-a$e5 %an' +eo+le $o !o $heir *e$0

Therefore/ $he absence of .o%+e$i$ion %i#h$ *e ao.ia$e! ,i$h lo,er

le-el of a.hie-e%en$ a$ ,or& an! a$ .hool0 The $ra!e6off/ $hen/

,o(l! *e $ha$ ,e1! ha-e $o #i-e (+ o%e e2.ellen.e in or!er $o ha-e

heal$h6ier/ ha++ier +eo+le0

Bo'/ ,a I ,ron#0 The reear.h o-er,hel%in#l' ho,e! $ha$ .o%6

+e$i$ion hol! +eo+le *a.& fro% ,or&in# or learnin# a$ $heir *e$0 For a

-arie$' of reaon/ o+$i%al +erfor%an.e a$ %o$ $a& no$ onl' !oen1$

re3(ire +eo+le $o $r' $o *ea$ one ano$her)i$ re3(ire $ha$ $he' *e

free! fro% (.h an arran#e%en$0 There i no $ra!e6off0 8oo+era6$ion

%a&e %ore ene $han .o%+e$i$ion if ,e .are %o$l' a*o($ *o$$o%6

line re(l$/ ;($ a i$ !oe if o(r +ri%e .on.ern i ho, +eo+le feel

a*o($ $he%el-e an! $hoe aro(n! $he%0

I %en$ion $hi no, *e.a(e $he a%e or$ of $ra!e6off i

o%e$i%e *elie-e! $o e2i$ ,i$h re+e.$ $o (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#0

The ar#(6%en$ #oe li&e $hi7 When ,e &no, $ha$ ,e1ll re.ei-e

a++ro-al onl' ,hen ,e ,or& har! or +ro!(.e re(l$/ $hen ,e1ll *ein.line! $o !o ;($ $ha$0 B' .on$ra$/ a one #ro(+ of +'.holo#i$

a&e! rhe$ori.all'/ "If +eo+le ,ere (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e! in all !o%ain

of life/ ,o(l! $he' $ill *e a !ri-en $o (..ee!@5





a$ifa.$ion0 So%eone ,ho ha a .ore of fai$h in hi%elf an! an (n!er6

l'in# .on-i.$ion $ha$ he1 a #oo! +eron !oen1$ $here*' *e.o%e %ore

li&el' $o i$ aro(n! an! !o no$hin#0 There1 no$ a hre! of e-i!en.e $ha$

(n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee% +ro%o$e laine/ or $ha$ $o ha-e hi#h

$an!ar! 'o( %($ feel lo(' a*o($ 'o(relf for failin# $o %ee$ $he%0 To

$he .on$rar'/ +eo+le ,ho &no, $he'1re lo-e! irre+e.$i-e of $heir

a..o%+lih%en$ of$en en! (+ a..o%+lihin# 3(i$e a lo$0 Bein# a..e+$e!

,i$ho($ .on!i$ion hel+ $he% $o !e-elo+ a heal$h' .onfi6!en.e in

$he%el-e/ a ene $ha$ i$1 afe $o $a&e ri& an! $r' ne, $hin#0 Fro%

!ee+ .on$en$%en$ .o%e $he .o(ra#e $o a.hie-e0

Thi +ea& !ire.$l' $o ano$her/ .loel' rela$e! e$ of a(%+$ion%a!e *' +eo+le ,ho !efen! $he i!ea of .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 The'

ee% $o $hin& $ha$ $he an2io( ener#' of +er+e$(al elf6!o(*$ i re3(ire!

$o #e$ $hin# !one/ $ha$ $he fear of failin# %o$i-a$e +eo+le $o i%+ro-e0

A#ain/ i$ i !iffi.(l$ $o i%a#ine a +oin$ of -ie, %ore a$ -arian.e ,i$h

e-er'$hin# ,e &no, a*o($ %o$i-a$ion an! learnin#0 We %a' %ant .hil!ren

$o re*o(n! fro% fail(re/ *($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $he' ,ill0 The %ore li&el'

re(l$/ all $hin# *ein# e3(al/ i $ha$ $he'1ll e2+e.$ $o !o +oorl' on i%ilar $a& in $he f($(re0 Thi e2+e.$a$ion .an e$ a elf6f(lfillin# +ro+he.' in$o

%o$ion7 The' feel in.o%+e$en$ an! e-en hel+le/ an! $ha$ lea! $he% $o

a.$ in ,a' $ha$ +ro-e $he% ri#h$0 Alo/ $he' .o%e $o +refer eaier $a&/

an! $o *e le in$ere$e! in ,ha$6e-er $he'1re !oin#0 E-en $hoe

e2.e+$ional &i! ,ho reall' !o *(.&le !o,n an! $r' har!er ,hen $he' fail

%a' *e !oin# o o($ of an an26io(/ .o%+(li-e +re(re $o feel *e$$er

a*o($ $he%el-e ra$her $han *e.a(e $he' en;o' learnin#0 Th(/ e-en if

$he' %ana#e $o (n!er$an! ,ha$ $he'1re rea!in# $o!a'/ $he' %a' no$

%ant $o rea! $o%orro,0

I$1 a -er' i%+le an! -er' o*-io( $r($h on.e 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$7 Bein#

afrai! of failin# in1$ a$ all $he a%e $hin# a e%*ra.in# (..e0 In fa.$/

$he for%er #e$ in $he ,a' of $he la$$er0 We1-e alrea!' een .on6i!era*le

e-i!en.e $ha$ .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! .on!i$ional elf6e$ee% are

(nheal$h'0 No, ,e ha-e $o a!! $ha$ $he'1re alo (n+ro!(.$i-e0 The' lea!

$o "e%o$ion6fo.(e! .o+in# an! re+air of $he elf/ ra$her $han +ro*le%6

fo.(e! .o+in#/5 a $,o reear.her +oin$e! o($0 In o$her




,or!/ 'o(1re o *(' $r'in# $o !eal ,i$h $he i%+li.a$ion of failin# $ha$

'o( !on1$ ha-e $he $i%e an! ener#' $o !o ,ha$ i$ $a&e $o (..ee!0

E-en a+ar$ fro% $hi +ra.$i.al +ro*le%/ $hee reear.her ,en$

on $o re%ar&/ $he i!ea $ha$ ,e ho(l! raie .hil!ren $o feel #oo!a*o($ $he%el-e onl' ,hen $he'1-e earne! $ha$ ri#h$ *' *ein#

(..ef(l ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ "o%e .hil!ren1 lo, elf6e$ee% i

,arran$e! an! $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho !o no$ a.hie-e in o.iall'

!eira*le ,a'/ (.h a #e$$in# #oo! #ra!e 0 0 0 or *ein# #oo! a$

+or$/ ri#h$l' *elie-e $ha$ $he' are no$ ,or$h' h(%an *ein#05J

Li&e o$her $o2i. %ea#e $ha$ .hil!ren hear/ $hi one

o%e$i%e .o%e fro% $heir $ea.her/ .oa.he/ an! +eer/ $o a'

no$hin# of $he %a %e!ia an! $he lar#er .(l$(re in ,hi.h $he' li-e0

B($ $here i no #e$$in# aro(n! $he fa.$ $ha$ $he +re(re $o !o ,ell

)or/ ,ore/ $o o($6+erfor% o$her)$'+i.all' *e#in a$ ho%e0 In

an' .ae/ i$ fall $o ( a $heir +aren$ $o .o(n$era.$ $hoe

+re(re/ $o .hallen#e $hoe %ea#e of .on!i$ional

a..e+$an.e/ an! $o %a&e (re o(r &i! feel lo-e! no %a$$er ,ha$0



WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@

E-er'$hin# (+ $o $hi +oin$ lea! ( $o one o-er,hel%in# 3(e$ion7

Wh' !o ,e !o i$@ If .on!i$ional an! .on$rol6*ae! +aren$in# are reall'a *a! a I a' $he' are)an!/ %ore i%+or$an$/ if $he'1re a *a! a.ien$ifi. reear.h an! real6,orl! e2+erien.e ho, $he' are)$hen

,h' are $he' o +o+(lar@ Or/ $o +($ i$ !ifferen$l'/ ,ha$ hol! o %an'

of ( *a.& fro% *ein# *e$$er +aren$@

Perha+ 'o(1re ea#er a$ $hi +oin$ $o hear %ore a*o($ $he al$erna6

$i-e0 B($ +e.ifi. (##e$ion for !oin# $hi $hin# or a'in# $ha$ $hin#

$o o(r &i! are (nli&el' $o $a&e roo$ an! ha-e a real i%+a.$ if ,e

ha-en1$ a!!ree! $he reaon $ha$ ,e1-e *een $e%+$e! $o !o $hin#

!ifferen$l' for o lon#0 To re!o ,ha$ ,e !o/ ,e ha-e $o re$hin& ,ha$ ,e

$hin&0 An! $ha$ %ean ,e ha-e $o fi#(re o($ $he o(r.e of a +ar6

en$in# $'le $ha$1 $ra!i$ional an! .on!i$ional0 If ,e &i+ $ha$ $e+/ ,e1ll

;($ .o%e (+ ,i$h reaon $o !i%i an' ne, i!ea/ or/ e-en if ,e !o

$r' $he%/ ,e %a' fin! o(rel-e re-er$in# $o ,ha$ feel .o%for$a*l'

fa%iliar a oon a ,e hi$ a *(%+ in $he roa!0

The reaon ,e +aren$ a ,e !o %i#h$ *e ai! $o fall ro(#hl' in$o

fo(r .a$e#orie7 ,ha$ ,e ee an! hear/ ,ha$ ,e *elie-e/ ,ha$ ,e feel/

an!/ a a re(l$ of all of $hoe/ ,ha$ ,e fear0 Thee la*el aren1$ $erri6

*l' +re.ie/ an! $he e2+lana$ion $he%el-e o-erla+0 S$ill/ ,e .an

*e#in $o %a&e ene of .(rren$ +aren$in# $'le *' fir$ in-e$i#a$in#




$he infl(en.e on o(r *eha-ior $ha$ are ri#h$ on $he (rfa.e0 Then

,e .an +ro.ee! $o loo& a$ o%e rele-an$ *elief an! .(l$(ral nor%

$ha$ (n!erlie $hoe infl(en.e0 Finall'/ ,e .an $(rn o(r a$$en$ion $o

ho, o(r nee! an! fear)ha+e! lar#el' *' ho, %e ,ere raie!)infl(6en.e $he ,a' ,e in$era.$ ,i$h o(r o,n .hil!ren0

What We &ee and $ear

Are $here an' +aren$ ,ho ha-en1$ *een a li$$le $ar$le! a$ o%e +oin$

$o hear $he%el-e a'in# $o $heir &i! e2a.$l' $he a%e $hin#)o%e6

$i%e in e2a.$l' $he a%e $one of -oi.e)$ha$ $heir +aren$ (e! $o a'

$o $he%@ I .all $hi "Ho, !i! %' %o$her #e$ in %' lar'n2@5 I$1 $he %o$

o*-io( e2+lana$ion for ,h' ,e $rea$ o(r .hil!ren a ,e !o7 We

learne! ho, 'o(1re (++oe! $o raie &i! fro% ,a$.hin# ho, o%e6

one raie! (0 We %a' ha-e +i.&e! (+ +e.ifi. r(le 9no r(nnin# in

$he ho(e no !eer$ (n$il 'o(1-e finihe! 'o(r !inner: an! e-en

+e.ifi. e2+reion 9"Ho, %an' $i%e !o I ha-e $o $ell 'o( 0 0 0 @5

"Fine/ *($ !on1$ .o%e .r'in# $o %e ,hen 'o( 0 0 05:0 More i%+or$an$/ ,e

+ro*6a*l' +i.&e! (+ a #eneral (n!er$an!in# of ,ha$ $he +aren$1 role

i) $ha$ i/ ho, a %o% or !a! i (++oe! $o a.$ aro(n! $he &i!0

The le a,are ,e are of $ha$ learnin# +ro.e/ $he %ore li&el' ,e are

$o re+ro!(.e +aren$in# +a$$ern ,i$ho($ *o$herin# $o a& ,he$her $he'

%a&e ene0 I$ $a&e o%e effor$/ o%e har+ $hin&in#/ e-en o%e

.o(ra#e $o $e+ *a.& an! !e.i!e ,hi.h -al(e an! ri$(al o(#h$ $o fin! a

+la.e in o(r ne, fa%ilie an! ,hi.h one are +oin$le or e-en +er6

ni.io(0 O$her,ie/ ,e ;($ en! (+ follo,in# a .ri+$ $ha$ ,e ha! no +ar$

in ,ri$in#0 We *e.o%e li&e $he ,all6*(il!in# nei#h*or in Ro*er$ Fro$1

+oe% ,ho "%o-e in !ar&ne5 *e.a(e "he ,ill no$ #o *ehin! hi

fa$her1 a'in#05 In hor$/ ,e ho(l! *e a*le $o an,er $he 3(e$ion "Wh'

!o 'o( !o $ha$ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!@5 *' offerin# a reaon ra$her $han ha-in# $o

hr(# an! %($$er/ "Well/ $ha$1 $he ,a' " ,a raie!05

Ma&in# i$ e-en %ore !iffi.(l$ for %an' +aren$ $o .hooe a !ifferen$

+a$h i $ha$ their +aren$ 9an! in6la,: %a' $ill *e infl(en.in# $he%/



W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @

offerin# e2+li.i$ ;(!#%en$ an! (##e$ion a*o($ ho, .hil!ren o(#h$ $o *e

$rea$e!0 Frien!/ $oo/ an! e-en $ran#er are of$en ea#er $o -ol(n$eer $heir

a!-i.e/ a are ne,+a+er .ol(%ni$/ $al&6ho, ho$/ an! a($hor of

!i.i+line *oo&0 So are +e!ia$ri.ian/ ,hoe *iae an! h(n.he a*o($+'.holo#i.al i(e are $a&en erio(l' ;($ *e.a(e of $heir %e!i.al .re6

!en$ial0 I re.en$l' re.ei-e! an e6%ail %ea#e fro% a +e!ia$ri.ian 9an!

%o$her: ,ho $ol! %e $ha$/ af$er rea!in# a*o($ $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of

re,ar!6an!6+(nih%en$ !i.i+line/ he fo(n! herelf

fr($ra$e! $ha$ none of $hi ha! *een in %' =%e!i.al> $rainin#0 We

,ere $a(#h$ $he $an!ar! *eha-iori$ $(ff/ $i%e6o($/ e$.0) an!

e-en $ho(#h I &ne, !ee+ !o,n $ha$ i$ !i!n1$ ee% ri#h$ o%eho,/

I .o(l!n1$ +($ %' fin#er on ,h'0 I ha! +aren$ of .hil6!ren $ha$ I

a, fro% infan.' .o%in# *a.& ,i$h $heir fi-e6'ear6ol!/ a'in# "i$

;($ !oen1$ ,or&05 For a ,hile I $ho(#h$ ,e ;($ ha! $o (e a

!ifferen$ %e$ho! of *eha-ior %o!ifi.a$ion0 =B($ a I *e#an $o rea!

%ore>/ I .o(l!n1$ *elie-e ,e ha! fallen for (.h an a,f(l ,a' of

raiin# .hil!ren0

If all $he a!-i.e ,e re.ei-e! fro% !o.$or/ nei#h*or/ an! fa%il'

%e%*er refle.$e! a ,i!e -arie$' of o+inion/ $hee *i$ of ,i!o%

,o(l! li&el' .onfli.$ ,i$h one ano$her an! +erha+ .an.el ea.h o$her

o($0 We1! *e lef$ rela$i-el' (naffe.$e! 9(nle/ of .o(re/ ,e ,ere

%ore affe.$e! *' o(r rela$i-e:0 B($ ,ha$ ,e hear fro% !i-ere

o(r.e reall' in1$ all $ha$ !i-ere0 There are e2.e+$ion here an!

$here/ *($ #ener6all' $he a!-i.e ,e #e$ $en! $o +(h in one !ire.$ion0

An! i$1 +re.iel' $he !ire.$ion I1% (##e$in# ,e nee! $o 3(e$ion0

Ne, +aren$ fre3(en$l' re+or$/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ $he

#ran!+aren$ are li&el' $o ,arn $he%)falel'/ a..or!in# $o all $he

a-aila*le reear.h)$ha$ *a*ie ,ill *e +oile! if $he'1re +i.&e! (+

a oon a $he' .r'0 An! if a .hil! i allo,e! $o +ar$i.i+a$e in

%a&in# !e.iion a*o($ %a$$er $ha$ .on.ern her/ +aren$ %a' *e

$ernl' infor%e! $ha$ "$hi &i! ha 'o( ,ra++e! aro(n! her fin#er05

Frien! an! nei#h*or/ !e+en!in# on $heir +eronali$ie/ %a' *e




o-er$ or (*$le in $he ,a' $he' e2+re i$/ *($ $he'/ $oo/ are li&el' $o $hin&

$ha$ 'o( nee! $o #e$ $o(#h ,i$h 'o(r .hil! ,hen he1 o($ of line $he'1re

li&el' $o *elie-e $ha$ 'o(r +ro*le% ,o(l! *e ol-e! *' %ore !i.i+line

an! "li%i$6e$$in#05 In +(*li. +la.e 'o( .an e-en feel $he ;(!#%en$ ra!i6a$in# fro% $ran#er)$'+i.all' for *ein# $oo lenien$/ rarel' for *ein# $oo

.on$rollin#0 An! e-en if all $hoe o$her +eo+le &e+$ $heir o+inion $o

$he%el-e/ $he ,a' ,e ee $he% raiin# $heir o,n .hil!ren i a +o,er6f(l

infl(en.e/ e+e.iall' ,hen ,e ,i$ne $he a%e *ai. $'le !a' af$er !a'

in +la.e af$er +la.e0 The heer +er-ai-ene of $he $ra!i$ional a++roa.h

%a' lea! ( $o a(%e $ha$ o %an' +aren$ .an1$ *e ,ron#0

Nor !o %o$ a($hor of !i.i+line *oo& hel+ $o .orre.$ $hi i%*al6

an.e/ a I +oin$e! o($ earlier0 Th(/ ,hen ,e loo& $o $he e2+er$ for

a!-i.e/ ,e1re li&el' $o ha-e o(r a(%+$ion reaffir%e!0 If $he')an! $he

+eo+le ,e &no,).hallen#e! ( in$ea!/ if $he' a&e! ,he$her ,e1re

(re $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# refle.$ (n.on!i$ional lo-e for o(r .hil!ren/ if

$he' re%in!e! ( $ha$ +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! are (n+ro!(.$i-e an!

(nne.ear'/ $hen ,e %i#h$ ,ell $hin& $,i.e a*o($ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin#0 A

$hin# $an!/ ,e1re offere! li$$le reaon $o $hin& e-en on.e0

To +oin$ $o ,ha$ ,e ee an! hear a an e2+lana$ion for ,h' %an'

of ( .on$in(e $o in$era.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren in le $han !eira*le ,a'

i +la(i*le a far a i$ #oe/ *($ i$ ;($ e$ $he 3(e$ion *a.& a $e+0

"O&a'/5 'o( re+l'/ "o ,e1re infl(en.e! *' all $hoe o$her +eo+le0 B($

,h' !o $he' $rea$ their &i! $he ,a' $he' !o@ Wha$ !ri-e o %an'

+aren$ $o .hooe)an! re.o%%en!)$hi a++roa.h@5

In$rini. fea$(re of $he ,or$ &in! of !i.i+line %a' (++l' +ar$ of

$he an,er0 E-en -er' $ho(#h$f(l +eo+le .an #e$ hoo&e! in$o !oin#

$hin# $ha$ !on1$ %a&e ene0 Fir$ of all/ *a! !i.i+line i ea'0 Ver'

li$$le i a&e! of ( ,hen ,e re+on! $o .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior *'

!oin# o%e$hin# (n+leaan$ $o $he%0 "Doin# $o5 $ra$e#ie are %o$l'

%in!le0 "Wor&in# ,i$h5 $ra$e#ie/ on $he o$her han!/ a& a lo$ %ore

of (0 An!/ of .o(re/ if ,e1re no$ e-en fa%iliar ,i$h $he la$$er/ ,e %a'

+eri$ ,i$h $he for%er ;($ *e.a(e ,e !on1$ &no, ,ha$ ele $o !o0

Se.on!/ *a! !i.i+line .an *e "effe.$i-e05 B' $hi I %ean $ha$ $here

are +len$' of i$(a$ion in ,hi.h *ri*e or $hrea$ or o$her .oer.i-e




in$er-en$ion .an %a&e a .hil! o*e' an a!(l$ for $he $i%e *ein#0

"Yo( .an for#e$ a*o($ #oin# $o $ha$ +ar$' on Sa$(r!a' if 'o( !on1$

h($ off $ha$ -i!eo #a%e ri#h$ no,45 %a' ,ell (..ee! in #e$$in#

$he #a%e $(rne! off0 Mean,hile/ $he .(%(la$i-e ne#a$i-e i%+a.$ of all $he $i%e ,e1-e reor$e! $o (.h a $ra$e#' in1$ al,a'

i%%e!ia$el' o*-io(0 Therefore ,e !on1$ ee a !o,ni!e $ha$

,o(l! %a&e ( hei$a$e a*o($ !oin# i$ a#ain0

What We Believe

The i%%e!ia$e .one3(en.e/ or (rfa.e a++eal/ of $ra!i$ional

a++roa.he $o raiin# .hil!ren .an e2+lain a lo$/ a .an $he

infl(en.e of $he +eo+le aro(n! (0 B($ I $hin& ,e alo ha-e $o

.oni!er o%e ,i!el' hare! *elief an! -al(e $ha$ %a&e +eo+le

%ore re.e+$i-e $o $hoe a++roa.he0

HOW WE REGARD 8HILDREN

Are ,e reall' a .hil!6frien!l' o.ie$'@ Na$(rall'/ ea.h of ( lo-e

hi or her o,n off+rin#/ *($ i$1 of$en $ar$lin# $o ee ho, %an' +ar6

en$ are !o,nri#h$ !i!ainf(l of o$her +eo+le1 &i!0 When ,e a!! $he

fol& ,ho aren1$ +aren$ a$ all/ i$ *e.o%e e-en .learer $ha$ o(r .(l6

$(re in1$ e+e.iall' (++or$i-e of .hil!ren in #eneral/ nor i $here a

(r6fei$ of fon!ne for +ar$i.(lar .hil!ren (nle $he'1re .($e an! ,ell

*eha-e!0 If $here1 an' .olle.$i-e affe.$ion/ i$1 .on!i$ional a$ *e$0

In!ee!/ (r-e' of A%eri.an a!(l$ .oni$en$l' fin! ,ha$ one ne,6

+a+er re+or$ .alle! "a $(nnin# le-el of an$a#oni% no$ ;($ $o,ar!

$een6a#er *($ $o,ar! 'o(n# .hil!ren a ,ell05 S(*$an$ial %a;ori$ie

of o(r fello, .i$ien a' $he' !ia++ro-e of &i! of all a#e/ .allin#

$he% r(!e/ la'/ irre+oni*le/ an! la.&in# in *ai. -al(e0

Poli$i.ian an! *(ine+eo+le %a&e a ho, of !e%an!in# ",orl!6

.la5 .hool/ *($ $ha$ ((all' refer $o hi#h $e$ .ore an! $he +re+a6

ra$ion of (i$a*l' &ille! e%+lo'ee ra$her $han $o %ee$in# $he nee!




of $he .hil!ren ,ho a$$en! $hee .hool0 I$1 $r(e/ a $,o o.ial .ien6

$i$ +oin$ o($/ $ha$ "o%e +aren$)$hoe ,ho ha-e eno(#h in.o%e)

+en! la-ihl' on $heir .hil!ren/ #enera$in# $he no$ion $ha$ ,e are a

.hil!6.en$ere! o.ie$'5)an i%+reion $ha$ %a' *e reinfor.e! *' ho,

.hil!ren are .on+i.(o(l' $ar#e$e! *' a!-er$ier an! en$er$ain%en$

.on#lo%era$e0 Ho,e-er/ $hee a($hor .on$in(e/

+(*li. +en!in# for .hil!ren i of$en %ea#er an! al,a' (r6

ro(n!e! *' .on$en$ion/ an! i$ e%*o!ie $he +e.(liar .on.e+$ion

$ha$ .hil!ren are no$ -al(a*le a +eron in $heir o,n ri#h$ *($ onl'

for $he a!(l$ $he' ,ill #ro, (+ $o *e0 0 0 0 The a..harine %'$h

=$ha$> 0 0 0 .hil!ren are =A%eri.a1> %o$ +re.io( na$(ral reo(r.e

ha in +ra.$i.e *een falifie! *' o(r ho$ili$' $o o$her +eo+le1

.hil!ren an! o(r (n,illin#ne $o (++or$ $he%0C

D(rin# an' 9re.en$: #i-en 'ear/ %ore $han 0 %illion .hil!ren

are ho%ele in $he Uni$e! S$a$e0 Be$,een CC an! C +er.en$ of

'o(n# .hil!ren are .laifie! a +oor/ ,hi.h i far hi#her $han $he

ra$e in o$her in!($rialie! o.ie$ie0 A%eri.an .on$in(e $o

$olera$e $he real (fferin# $ha$ lie *ehin! $hee $a$i$i./ an! $hi

+ea& $o o(r a$$i6$(!e $o,ar! .hil!ren a (rel' a !oe $he

n(%*er of +eo+le ,ho #ro(e a*o($ "$hee &i! $o!a'05

Here1 $he +oin$7 If .hil!ren in #eneral aren1$ hel! in #rea$ e$ee%/

i$ *e.o%e eaier for +aren$/ e-en *ai.all' #oo! +aren$/ $o $rea$$heir o,n &i! !ire+e.$f(ll'0 An! $o $he e2$en$ $ha$ ,e o(rel-e

har*or a !i% -ie, of .hil!ren/ ,e %a' *e le li&el'/ a I (##e$e! in

.ha+$er / $o offer (n.on!i$ional lo-e $o an' .hil!/ e-en o(r o,n/ in.e

,e fear $he'1ll ;($ $a&e a!-an$a#e an! $r' $o #e$ a,a' ,i$h a %(.h

a $he' .an0 If 'o( !on1$ $r($ $he%/ 'o( #o o($ of 'o(r ,a' $o .on$rol

$he%0 I$1 no$ a .oin.i!en.e $ha$ a($hori$arian +aren$/ ,ho !e%an!

a*ol($e o*e!ien.e/ alo $en! $o a$$ri*($e (nfla$$erin# .hara.$eri$i.$o .hil6!ren)an! o%e$i%e $o +eo+le in #eneral0 A $(!' of %ore

$han $hree h(n!re! +aren$ fo(n! $ha$ $hoe ,ho hel! a ne#a$i-e -ie,

of h(%an na$(re ,ere li&el' $o *e -er' .on$rollin# ,i$h $heir &i!0




8OMPETITION

I$1 *een ai! $ha$ .o%+e$i$ion i o(r $a$e reli#ion0 A$ ,or& an!

a$ +la'/ a$ .hool/ an! e-en a$ ho%e/ o$her #oal an! -al(e are

fre63(en$l' e.li+e! *' $he .on$an$ i%+era$i-e $o *e N(%*er One0

I$1 no (r+rie/ $hen/ $o fin! o %an' +aren$ +(hin# $heir .hil!ren

$o o($6hine $heir +eer)an! (in# $he $e.hni3(e of .on!i$ional

+aren$in# $o $r' $o %a&e $ha$ ha++en0

Moreo-er/ $he rela$ionhi+ ,e ha-e ,i$h o(r .hil!ren %a' .o%e $o

*e een in ero6(% $er%0 N(%ero( !i.i+line *oo& offer #(i!6

an.e on ho, $o ,in o(r *a$$le ,i$h $he%/ ho, $o o($%ane(-er $he%

an! #e$ $he% $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r !e%an!/ $here*' allo,in# ( $o

e%er#e $ri(%+han$0 The real 3(e$ion/ of .o(re/ i ,he$her ,e reall'

,an$ $o ee o(r &i! a o++onen$ $o *e *ea$en0 If ,e ,on!er ,h'

+aren$6.hil! rela$ionhi+ are o of$en a!-erarial/ ,e ha-e $o (n!er6

$an! $hi a one %ore '%+$o% of a h'+er.o%+e$i$i-e o.ie$'0 The

%o% an! !a! ,ho are %o$ li&el' $o $r' $o .on$rol $heir .hil!ren/ an!

,ho !o $he %o$ !a%a#e $o $he%/ are $hoe ,ho nee! $o ,in0

8APABILITIES OF 8HILDREN

Trea$in# .hil!ren harhl' ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ ,e !on1$ a++re.ia$e

all $ha$ $he' .an !o/ $ha$ ,e !on1$ ee $he% a +eo+le ,i$h $heir o,n

!i$in.$i-e +oin$ of -ie,0 B($ in ano$her/ %ore i%+or$an$ ene/ $hoe

,ho rel' on $ra!i$ional !i.i+line ha-e a $en!en.' $o over e$i%a$e

,ha$ .hil!ren .an %ana#e on $heir o,n0 S(.h +aren$ !on1$ (n!er6

$an!)or ele $he' ;($ i#nore)ho, &i! *elo, a .er$ain a#e i%+l'

.an1$ *e e2+e.$e! $o ea$ nea$l' or &ee+ 3(ie$ in a +(*li. +la.e0 Yo(n#

.hil!ren !on1$ 'e$ +oe $he &ill $ha$ ,o(l! %a&e i$ eni*le $o

hol! $he% a..o(n$a*le for $heir *eha-ior in $he a%e ,a' $ha$ ,e hol!

an a!(l$ or e-en an ol!er .hil! a..o(n$a*le0

Reear.h .onfir% $ha$ +aren$ ,ho "a$$ri*($e #rea$er .o%+e$en.ean! re+oni*ili$' $o %i*eha-in# .hil!ren5 are %ore li&el' $o #e$ (+e$

,i$h $he%/ $o .on!e%n an! +(nih $he%0 The' *e.o%e fr(6$ra$e! *'

,ha$ $he' ee a ina++ro+ria$e *eha-ior/ an! $he' re+on!/




.an *e $ra.e! $o $he *loo! -en#ean.e1 +ra.$i.e of +ri%i$i-e o.ie$ie05 J

I$1 alo rela$e! $o an e.ono%i. %o!el of h(%an in$era.$ion $ha$ %a&e (

$hin& e-er'$hin#/ in.l(!in# lo-e/ %($ *e earne! 9++0 Q:0 Ne-er %in!

,he$her +(nih%en$ ,or&/ ,he$her i$ $ea.he an' !eira*le le6on or ha an' .on$r(.$i-e effe.$ on .hil!ren1 -al(e or *eha-ior0 Man'

+aren$ .on$in(e $o (e i$ *e.a(e $he' ee +(nih%en$ a a %oral

i%+era$i-e0 In!ee!/ 'o( ha-e $o ,i% a#ain$ $he $i!e in o(r .(l6$(re if 'o(

.hooe $o re+on! $o .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior in an' ,a' o$her $han *'

i%+oin# an (n+leaan$ .one3(en.e0

RELIGION

There1 no one6$o6one .orre+on!en.e *e$,een reli#io( .on-i.6

$ion an! +aren$in# +hiloo+h'0 Peo+le of -ario( fai$h/ an! +eo+le

,ho are no$ reli#io( a$ all/ .an *e fo(n! $rea$in# .hil!ren in e-er'

.on.ei-a*le ,a'0 S$ill/ $here1 no !en'in# $ha$ an a($hori$arian

a++roa.h ha !ee+ roo$ in .er$ain reli#io( *elief '$e%0 Sa' one

e2+er$/ "Brea&in# $he .hil!1 ,ill ha *een $he .en$ral $a& #i-en +ar6

en$ *' (..ei-e #enera$ion of +rea.her/ ,hoe *i*li.all' *ae!

ra$ionale for !i.i+line ha-e refle.$e! $he *elief $ha$ elf6,ill i e-il

an! inf(l05 Thi i!eolo#'/ (l$i%a$el' .onne.$e! $o a !ar& -ie, of

h(%an na$(re/ ha *een +re.ri*e! fro% *efore $he $i%e $he Pil#ri%

lan!e! ri#h$ $hro(#h $he .(rren$ ,ri$in# of <a%e Do*on an! o$her

f(n!a%en$ali$0 So%e$i%e $he ,or! love i (e! $o ;($if' a #ri%

+ro.e of for.in# $he .hil! $o .a+i$(la$e0

F(r$her/ ,hile %an' reli#io( +eo+le e3(a$e $he i!ea of (n.on!i6

$ionali$' ,i$h a+e.$ of $heir fai$h/ a .ae .o(l! *e %a!e/ !ra,in# on $he

hol' *oo& of 8hri$iani$' an! <(!ai%/ $ha$ $he !ei$ie in $hee reli#ion

offer $he (l$i%a$e in conditional lo-e0 Bo$h $he Ol! an! Ne, Te$a%en$

re+ea$e!l' +ro%ie e2$ra-a#an$ re,ar! for $hoe ,ho are +ro+erl'

re-eren$/ an! horrifi. +(nih%en$ for $hoe ,ho aren1$0 Go! lo-e 'o( if an! onl' if 'o( lo-e Hi%)an!/ in o%e .ae/ if 'o( %ee$ -ario( o$her

.ri$eria0 Do ,ha$ 'o(1re $ol! 'o(1ll *e.o%e ri.h an! #e$ $o ,a$.h 'o(r

ene%ie !ie0 S$ra' fro% $he fai$h 'o(1ll (ffer a ran#e




of .one3(en.e/ ,hi.h $he Bi*le !e.ri*e in al%o$ a!i$i.

!e$ail0 An! for o%e *elie-er/ of .o(re/ e-en %ore i#nifi.an$

*lein# or .(re a,ai$ ( af$er !ea$h0 I$1 no$ a $re$.h/ $hen/ $o

ee $he rele-an.e of .er$ain reli#io( $ra!i$ion $o *o$h .on!i$ionalan! .on$rol6*ae! +aren$in#0

EITHEROR THINKING

If I ha! $o i!en$if' a in#le *elief '$e% $ha$ %o$ +ro%inen$l'

!ri-e $he (e of 3(e$iona*le +aren$in# $ra$e#ie/ i$ ,o(l! *e $he

$en6!en.' $o a(%e $here are onl' $,o ,a' $o raie .hil!ren0 Yo(

.an !o $hi or 'o( .an !o $ha$/ an! in.e one o+$ion i o*-io(l'

(na++eal6in#/ 'o(1re lef$ ,i$h $he o$her 9,hi.h in-aria*l' in-ol-e

o%e &in! of .on$rol:0

The %o$ +o+(lar fale !i.ho$o%' r(n a follo,7 "We nee! $o

$a&e a har! line ,i$h &i! an! $o+ le$$in# $he% !o an'$hin# $he' feel

li&e05 In effe.$/ $ra!i$ional !i.i+line i .on$ra$e! ,i$h +er%ii-ene0

Ei$her I +(nih %' .hil! or ele I le$ her "#e$ a,a' ,i$h5 ,ha$e-er he

!i!0 Ei$her I $a&e a har! line or I !ra, no line a$ all0 When &i! !o

o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ %o$ of ( feel a nee! $o $a&e soe a.$ion

ra$her $han !oin# no$hin#0 Therefore/ if o(r re+er$oire i li%i$e! $o

+(nih%en$/ $ha$1 ,ha$ ,e en! (+ !oin# *' !efa(l$0

Para!o2i.all'/ ne#le.$in# an! +(nihin# aren1$ e-en reall' o++o6

i$e0 Bo$h hare $he fea$(re of offerin# a*ol($el' no +ro!(.$i-e/

re+e.$f(l a!(l$ #(i!an.e of $he or$ $ha$ &i! nee!0 No ,on!er ,e

fin! $ha$ o%e +aren$ are +(ni$i-e and ne#le.$f(l/ *' $(rn0 On.e one

of $hee .hoi.e +ro-e !ia$ro(/ $he' ,in# $o $he o$her0 A one

%o$her .onfee!/ "I1% +er%ii-e ,i$h %' &i! (n$il I .an1$ $an!

$he% $hen I #e$ o a($hori$arian $ha$ I .an1$ $an! %'elf05 C In o$her

fa%ilie/ %ean,hile/ ea.h +aren$ +la' one of $he $,o role0 One i

$he !i.i+linarian an! $he o$her i +er%ii-e)a $ho(#h $,o fla,e!$ra$e#ie o%eho, a!! (+ $o a +ro!(.$i-e a++roa.h0

If ,e ,ere for.e! $o .hooe *e$,een $he%/ i$1 no$ e-en .lear fro%

$he a-aila*le e-i!en.e $ha$ +(nih%en$ i *e$$er $han ne#le.$0 B($ ,e




don0t ha-e $o .hooe/ *e.a(e $here are o$her +oi*ili$ie0 The

fa.$ $ha$ freein# .ol! $e%+era$(re are (n.o%for$a*le !oen1$

%ean ,e ha-e $o +($ (+ ,i$h *oilin# hea$0 An! $ha$ +oin$ alo

a++lie/ in.i!en$all'/ $o ano$her ar$ifi.ial .hoi.e7 "In$ea! of +(nihin# 9or .ri$i.iin#: &i! ,hen $he'1re *a!/ $r' re,ar!in# 9or

+raiin#: $he% ,hen $he'1re #oo!05 The +ro*le% i $ha$ re,ar!

an! +(nih%en$ are reall' ;($ $,o i!e of $he a%e .oin 0 0 0 an!

$ha$ .oin !oen1$ *(' -er' %(.h0 For$(na$el'/ $here are al$erna$i-e

$o ei$her -erion of .arro$6an!6$i.& %ani+(la$ion0

In $heor'/ i$ ,o(l! *e *e$$er $o .hooe fro% a%on# $hree al$erna6

$i-e ra$her $han onl' $,o/ *($ here/ $oo/ ,e %($ *e .aref(l0 A n(%6

*er of ,ri$er on !i.i+line an! o$her i(e $r' $o %a&e $heir -ie,

ee% %ore +ala$a*le *' +oi$ionin# $he%el-e a $he reaona*le

"%i!6!le #ro(n!5 *e$,een $,o e2$re%e0 8all i$ $he Gol!ilo.& Ga%*i$7

So%e a++roa.he are $oo $hi/ o%e a++roa.he are $oo $ha$/ *($ %'

a++roa.h i ;($ ri#h$0 The "$hi5 +oi$ion i ((all' o%e or$ of

e2$re%el' +(ni$i-e/ +o,er6*ae! +aren$in#/ ,hile $he "$ha$5 +oi$ion i

a -arian$ of looe'6#ooe'/ an'$hin#6#oe ne#le.$0

In $he a*$ra.$/ %o$ of ( ,o(l! a#ree $ha$ o%e$hin# in *e$,een

$hoe e2$re%e ,o(l! *e *e$$er)an! on o%e i(e/ I in!ee!

re.o%6%en! a "$hir! ,a'05 B($ ,e ho(l! ne-er *e $al&e! in$o

a..e+$in# o%eone1 (##e$ion ;($ *e.a(e $he'1re +la.e!

*e$,een .ari.a$(re! al$erna$i-e0 Moreo-er/ o%e ,ri$er %a' *e

$ar$in# ,i$h a 3(e$ion *ae! on a !(*io( +re%ie/ (.h a "Ho,

%(.h ho(l! ,e .on$rol o(r .hil!ren@5 Pi.& one7 9a: .on$an$l' an!

e2.ei-el'/ 9*: no$ a$ all/ or 9.: $he i!eal a%o(n$/ a e2+laine! in $he

a($hor1 .o+'ri#h$e! fi-e6+oin$ +ro#ra%0 Ra$her $han +i.&in# $he

o*-io( .hoi.e/ ,e %a' ,an$ $o .hallen#e $he ,a' $he i(e ha *een

fra%e! an! .oni!er al$erna6$i-e $o $he ,hole i!ea of .on$rol0

In fa.$/ $he "reaona*le %i!!le #ro(n!5 o+$ion %a' no$ *e all $ha$

reaona*le ,hen e-al(a$e! on i$ %eri$0 One e2a%+le in $he !i.i+linefiel! i Diana Ba(%rin!1 .he%a/ ,hi.h ha *een a!o+$e! *' lo$ of

reear.her a ,ell a +ra.$i$ioner0 She !e.ri*e +aren$in# a *ein#

"a($hori$arian5 on one i!e/ "+er%ii-e5 on $he o$her/ or "a($hori6




$a$i-e5 9rea!7 ;($ ri#h$: in $he %i!!le0 In reali$'/ her fa-ore! a++roa.h/

(++oe!l' a *len! of fir%ne an! .arin#/ i a.$(all' 3(i$e $ra!i$ional

an! .on$rol6orien$e!)e-en if le o $han o+$ion 0 In fa.$/ a .loe

rea!in# of Ba(%rin!1 reear.h raie 3(e$ion a*o($ $he re.o%%en6!a$ion he offer/ +ar$i.(larl' her en!ore%en$ of "fir% .on$rol05

The lar#er +oin$ i $ha$ ,e %a' *e $e%+$e! $o a..e+$ a .er$ain

a++roa.h ;($ *e.a(e of ho, $he !i.(ion a*o($ +aren$in# ha

*een e$ (+/ an! +e.ifi.all' *e.a(e ,e *elie-e $ha$ re;e.$in# one

or $,o o$her a++roa.he re3(ire ( $o e%*ra.e a #i-en

al$erna$i-e0 To re.6o#nie $ha$ $here are %an' +oi*le ,a' of

raiin# .hil!ren/ an! $o 3(e$ion $he -ali!i$' of -ario( o$her i!eolo#ie/ i $o free ( $o e2+lore ne, !ire.$ion $ha$ %a' en! (+

%a&in# a lo$ %ore ene $han $he .on6-en$ional ,i!o%0

What We 4eel

O(r +aren$ $a(#h$ ( ho, $o +aren$/ ho,in# *' e2a%+le ho, $o $al&

,i$h an! *e ,i$h .hil!ren0 B($ ,ha$ ,e e2+erien.e! in o(r fa%ilie of

ori#in ha an i%+a.$ on (/ an! $herefore on ,ha$ &in! of %o$her

an! fa$her ,e *e.o%e/ $ha$ $ran.en! an' +e.ifi. .hil!6rearin#

$ra$e#ie $ha$ ,e %a' en! (+ re.'.lin#0 Brin#in# (+ &i! in1$ ;($ a

&ill one a.3(ire/ li&e .oo&in# or .ar+en$r' $he +'.holo#i.al for.e

in-ol-e! %a&e $hee i(e %(.h %ore .o%+li.a$e!0 An! %an' of

$hoe for.e %a' o+era$e ,i$ho($ o(r e-en *ein# a,are of $he%0

Fran&l'/ I hei$a$e $o !el-e in$o $hee %a$$er *e.a(e %an' (.h

!i.(ion/ re+le$e ,i$h earne$ referen.e $o one1 "inner .hil!5 an!

(.h/ e$ %' $ee$h on e!#e0 B($ I .an1$ ee an' ,a' aro(n! i$0 I$1

+oin$6le $o $al& a*o($ ,ha$ hol! 'o( *a.& fro% *ein# a *e$$er

+aren$ ,i$ho($ refle.$in# on ho, $he ,a' 'o( ,ere raie! ha+e 'o(r

in$er6nal ar.hi$e.$(re0 I$ affe.$ no$ onl' ,ha$ 'o( !o ,i$h 'o(r &i!/

*($ ,ha$ 'o( !on1$ !o0 I$ ha an i%+a.$ on ho, 'o( !i-i!e re+oni*ili6

$ie ,i$h 'o(r .o6+aren$/ an! ,he$her 'o( $rea$ *o' an! #irl !iffer6

en$l'0 I$ hel+ $o !e$er%ine ,he$her 'o(r e-er'!a' *eha-ior .on-e'




a *ai. re+e.$ or !ire+e.$ for .hil!ren0 I$1 rela$e! $o ,ha$

%a&e 'o( an#r' or a! an! ho, 'o( e2+re $hoe feelin#0

Gran$e!/ fan.' +'.holo#i.al e2+lana$ion aren1$ al,a' ne.ear' $o

a..o(n$ for $he *a! .hoi.e ,e %a&e a +aren$0 So%e$i%e ,e loe o(r +a$ien.e ;($ *e.a(e .hil!ren re3(ire o %(.h of i$7 The' .an *e lo(!/

%e'/ an! elf6.en$ere!0 A I no$e! a$ $he *e#innin# of $hi *oo&/ raiin#

&i! in1$ for ,i%+/ an! o%e &i! are $o(#her $o raie $han o$her0 S$ill/

$he fa.$ $ha$ $hi +ar$i.(lar .hil! i a real han!f(l i%+l' in1$ (ffi.ien$ $o

e2+lain ,h' hi +aren$ (e lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.h6ni3(e or o$her

in$r(%en$ of .on$rol0 In fa.$/ a fair a%o(n$ of reear.h (##e$ $ha$

+eo+le1 *ai. +aren$in# $'le "are alrea!' in +la.e *efore =$he'> #ain

!ire.$ e2+erien.e ,i$h $heir o,n off+rin#05 Thee $'le are !ee+l' roo$e!

in e2+erien.e $he' ha! lon# a#o0

A %an lef$ a %ea#e on %' ,e*i$e re.en$l' $ha$ rea!/ in +ar$/ "I

,a$.h/ a if a +e.$a$or a$ a $rain ,re.&/ a %' frien! (e $he a%e

+aren$al *eha-ior $ha$ ,o(n!e! $he% ,hen $he' ,ere li$$le0 I$ i no$ a

+re$$' i#h$05 Nor/ I ,o(l! a!!/ i i$ a i%+le %a$$er $o !e$er%ine ,h'

$hi ha++en0 The fol& he1 $al&in# a*o($ +re(%a*l' !i!n1$ i$ !o,n

an! .on.io(l' !e.i!e $o %a&e $heir o,n &i! a (nha++' a $he'

,ere0 So%e$hin# ele %($ a..o(n$ for $hi re+e$i$ion0 So%e$hin# ele

%($ a..o(n$ for $he o!!/ illo#i.al/ e-en $ra#i. fa.$ $ha$ %an' +eo+le

,ho are hi#hl' .ri$i.al of $heir +aren$ ne-er$hele en! (+ .re6a$in# a

fa%il' eeril' i%ilar $o $he one fro% ,hi.h $he' e.a+e!0 9Or $he one

fro% ,hi.h $he' thought $he' ha! e.a+e!0:

One e2+lana$ion ,a offere! *' Ali.e Miller7 "Man' +eo+le .on6

$in(e $o +a on $he .r(el !ee! an! a$$i$(!e $o ,hi.h $he' ,ere (*6

;e.$e! a .hil!ren/ o $ha$ $he' .an .on$in(e $o i!ealie $heir

+aren$05 Her +re%ie i $ha$ ,e ha-e a +o,erf(l/ (n.on.io( nee!

$o *elie-e $ha$ e-er'$hin# o(r +aren$ !i! $o ( ,a reall' for o(r o,n

#oo! an! ,a !one o($ of lo-e0 I$1 $oo $hrea$enin# for %an' of (

e-en $o en$er6$ain $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $he' ,eren1$ en$irel' ,ell6%eanin#)or .o%6+e$en$0 So/ in or!er $o erae an' !o(*$/ ,e !o $he

a%e $hin# $o o(r o,n .hil!ren $ha$ o(r +aren$ !i! $o (0

Ano$her ,a' of %a&in# ene of $hi i(e ,a (##e$e! *' <ohn




Bo,l*'/ $he Bri$ih +'.hia$ri$ ,ho in+ire! $he fiel! &no,n a a$$a.h6

%en$ $heor'0 He ar#(e! $ha$ if 'o( ha-en1$ e2+erien.e! e%+a$hi. +ar6

en$in#/ i$1 har! for 'o( $o *e.o%e (.h a +aren$ 'o(relf0 The a%e

%i#h$ *e ai! of (n.on!i$ional lo-e7 If 'o( !i!n1$ #e$ i$/ 'o( !on1$ ha-e i$ $o#i-e0 Peo+le ,ho ,ere a..e+$e! onl' .on!i$ionall' a .hil!ren %a' .o%e

$o a..e+$ o$her 9in.l(!in# $heir o,n &i!: in $he a%e ,a'0 In!ee!/ ,e

ha-e e-i!en.e $ha$ $hi i $r(e 9+0 CC:0 S(.h +aren$ learn $o $hin& of lo-e

a a .ar.e .o%%o!i$' $ha$ %($ *e ra$ione!0 The' a(%e $ha$ .hil!ren

nee! $o *e $ri.$l' .on$rolle!/ ;($ a $he' ,ere0

A a r(le/ ,hen 'o(r *ai. e%o$ional nee! ha-en1$ *een %e$/ $hoe

nee! !on1$ ;($ -anih ,hen 'o(1re ol!er0 In$ea!/ 'o( %a' .on$in(e $o

$r' $o a$if' $he%/ of$en in in!ire.$ an! e-en .on-ol($e! ,a'0 Tha$ effor$

o%e$i%e re3(ire an e2ha($in#/ near6.on$an$ fo.( on 'o(r6elf in

or!er $o +ro-e $ha$ 'o( reall' are %ar$ or a$$ra.$i-e or lo-a*le0 Wha$1

%ore/ $he +eo+le ,ho nee! 'o( $o fo.( on the, no$a*l' 'o(r .hil!ren/

%a' fin! 'o( e%o$ionall' (na-aila*le0 Yo(1re $oo *(' $r'6in# $o #e$ ,ha$

'o( la.&0 An!/ a $,o 8ana!ian reear.her ha-e ho,n/ +aren$ ,ho

are $hin&in# %o$l' a*o($ $heir o,n nee! an! #oal $en! $o *e le

a..e+$in# of $heir .hil!ren)an! %ore li&el' $o a.$ in +(ni6$i-e an!

.on$rollin# ,a' ,i$h $he%)$han are +aren$ ,ho are .on6.erne! ,i$h

$he nee! of $heir &i! or of $he fa%il' a a ,hole0 Thoe ,ho ha*i$(all'

+($ $heir o,n nee! fir$ are alo %ore li&el' $o *elie-e $ha$ $heir

.hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior are !eli*era$e an! roo$e! in $heir na$(re or

+eronali$'/ ra$her $han e%er#in# fro% a +ar$i.(lar i$(a$ion0

Ki! %a' *e +($ in a +oi$ion ,here $he' feel $heir ;o* i $o

&ee+ $heir +aren$ ha++'/ $o rea(re $he%/ $o %a&e $he% feel

.a+a*le0 So%e$i%e .hil!ren are (*$l' en.o(ra#e! $o +ro-i!e

,ha$ $he +ar6en$ fail $o #e$ fro% her +ar$ner 9or e-en fro% herelf:/

an! +erha+ $o +ro-i!e a!(l$li&e .o%+anionhi+0 The .hil! %a' *e

$eere! in$o *e.o%in# a frien!/ or e-en a +aren$/ $o $he +aren$0 All

of $hi .an $a&e +la.e ,i$ho($ an'one1 realiin# ,ha$1 #oin# on0

B($ ,he$her or no$ $he .hil! %ana#e $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o *e.o%e

,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$/ $he .hil!1 !e-elo+%en$ %a' *e ,ar+e!

*e.a(e $he a!(l$1 nee! ha-e $a&en .en$er $a#e0




in# $heir nee! an! ,or&in# ,i$h $he% $o ol-e +ro*le%0 O$her

+ar6en$/ %ean,hile/ o-er.o%+ena$e for $heir !o(*$ *'

+re$en!in# $o *e a*ol($el' .er$ain/ .o%+le$el' in .har#e0 Af$er a

,hile/ $he role of $he .ri+l' .on$rollin#/ al,a' a($hori$a$i-eParen$6,i$h6a6.a+i$al6P *e.o%e o .o%for$a*le $ha$ $he' for#e$

i$1 ;($ a role/ %(.h le ,h' $he' .a%e $o a!o+$ i$0 S(.h +aren$

%a' i%+oe ri#i! r(le for .hil6!ren $ha$ aren1$ o+en $o 3(e$ion or

3(alifi.a$ion/ a $ho(#h $he' are $r'in# $o .on-in.e e-er'one/

in.l(!in# $he%el-e/ $ha$ $he' reall' !o &no, ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0

FEAR OF POWERLESSNESS

Ea.h of ( ,a on.e .o%+le$el' -(lnera*le an! !e+en!en$ on

o%eone ele0 On an (n.on.io( le-el/ o%e +eo+le fear $ha$ on.e

$he $hin -eneer of a!(l$hoo! i ha$$ere!/ $i%e ,ill r(h *a.&,ar! an!

$he' ,ill re-er$ $o *ein# +o,erle0 The' !eal ,i$h $ha$ fear *' +re6

$en!in# $he'1re in-(lnera*le a a!(l$0 Be.a(e i$1 $errif'in# $o *e o($

of .on$rol/ $he' nee! $o *elie-e $he'1re al,a' in .on$rol0

Ala/ $ha$ .an eail' $(rn in$o a nee! $o ha-e .on$rol o-er o$her/

$o .o%e o($ on $o+ an! feel $ri(%+han$/ $o re#ar! !ia#ree%en$ e-en

,i$h $heir .hil!ren a *a$$le $ha$ $he' %($ ,in0 The' fear $ha$ $o 'iel!

an in.h/ $o .han#e $heir %in!/ $o a!%i$ $he'1re ,ron#/ $o fail $o +($

$heir foo$ !o,n/ ,ill *e $o loe e-er'$hin#0

Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e of +eo+le ,ho ,ere raie! in $ra!i$ional

fa%ilie ,here $he +aren$1 ,or! ,a la,0 Tha$ e2+erien.e .a(e

.hil6!ren "$o learn $ha$ no one i rea!' $o re+on! $o $heir nee! an!

,ihe in .onfli.$ i$(a$ion/5 a $,o reear.her +($ i$0 The feelin# of

+o,erlene $ha$ $hi en#en!er ne-er reall' #oe a,a'/ ,i$h $he

re(l$ $ha$/ 'ear la$er/ $he' %a' $r' $o a$$ain o%e !e#ree of .on$rol

*' .on$rollin# $heir o,n .hil!ren0 Th(/ +ara!o2i.al $ho(#h i$ %a'

ee%/ $he +aren$ ,ho "ee $he%el-e a la.&in# +o,er are %o$li&el' $o %a&e (e of .oer.i-e .on$rol $a.$i.05C

So%e +eo+le1 li-e are or#anie! aro(n! a nee! $o loo& or a.$

+o,erf(l in or!er $o $a-e off $he $error of *ein# a$ o%eone ele1




%er.'0 Their in$ere$ in .on$rollin# o$her in1$ li%i$e! $o .hil!ren $he' feel

o*li#a$e! $o !e%on$ra$e $ha$ $he'1re (+erior $o o$her a!(l$/ $oo0 B($ i$1

eaier/ an! %ore o.iall' a..e+$a*le/ $o !o i$ ,i$h &i!0 Nor6%an K(n./

,ho .on!(.$ ,or&ho+ on in.l(i-e e!(.a$ion an! non6.oer.i-e+ra.$i.e/ +oin$ o($ $ha$ ",ha$ ,e .all *eha-ior +ro*le%1 are of$en

i$(a$ion of le#i$i%a$e .onfli.$ ,e ;($ #e$ $o .all $he% *eha-ior +ro*le%

*e.a(e ,e ha-e %ore +o,er5 $han .hil!ren !o0 9Yo(1re no$ allo,e! $o

a' $ha$ 'o(r +o(e ha a *eha-ior +ro*le%0:C

We ha-e $(!ie ho,in# $ha$ a*(i-e +aren$ are e+e.iall'

li&el' "$o ee $he%el-e a -i.$i% of $he %ale-olen$ in$en$ion of

.hil!ren05 B($ ,hi.h .a%e fir$7 $he *eha-ior or $he *elief@ Perha+*' eein# o(r6el-e a $he -i.$i%/ or *' $al&in# a*o($ ho,

"%ani+(la$i-e5 a .hil! i/ ",e are $r'in# $o ;($if' o(r ne#a$i-e

rea.$ion *' loo&in# for e3(all' ne#a$i-e %o$i-e in $he .hil!05CC

E-en +aren$ ,ho are *' no %ean a*(i-e %a' *e !ri-en *' a nee!

for .on$rol an! a fear of loin# i$0 I$1 (ne$$lin# for %o$ of ( $o fin! $ha$

o%eone ha nea&e! in !(rin# $he ni#h$ an! re+la.e! o(r hel+le

infan$ ,i$h a $o!!ler ,ho ha a ,ill of her o,n0 Wha$ ha! *een an

a!ora*le *a*' no, ha $he ner-e $o +(r(e her o,n a#en!a an! o++oe

o%e of o(r !e%an!0 Will ,e rei$ $he $e%+$a$ion $o $r' $o fi#(re o($

,a' of o($%ar$in# her@ Will ,e *e a*le $o hif$ fro% !oin# to a *a*' $o

,or&in# %ith a .hil!@ I$1 a $e$ $ha$ no$ all of ( +a0 9We1re $e$e! a#ain

a*o($ a !e.a!e la$er/ #i-e or $a&e/ ,hen $he .hil!1 nee! for a($on6o%'

(r#e ane,)an! i$1 e-en %ore !iffi.(l$ $o #e$ .o%+lian.e fro%

o%eone ,ho i ol!er/ .le-erer/ an! le !e+en!en$ on (0:

O(r fear of$en lea! ( $o !i# in o(r heel/ ,hi.h i a *i# %i$a&e0 One

e-enin# %' $hree6'ear6ol! on rei$)%o$l' *' ina.$ion an! ele.$i-e

hearin#)%' re+ea$e! re3(e$ $o finih hi #a%e an! #e$ (n!ree!0 A

$he %in($e $i.& *'/ I #i-e hi% $he .hoi.e of $a&in# off hi hir$ or ha-in#

%e !o i$0 He !oen1$ re+on!/ o I $a&e i$ off an! .arr' hi% (+$air0 He

.rie lo(!l'/ %iera*l'/ in.onola*l'/ ,ailin# $ha$ he ,an$e! $o !o i$

hi%elf0 I re%in! hi% 9#en$l' an! ra$her reaona*l'/ I $hin&: $ha$ he ha!

$he o++or$(ni$' $o !o o an! !i!n1$ $a&e a!-an$a#e of i$0 B($ he1 .r'in#

an! he1 $hree/ an! I1% $al&in# $o %'elf0




*ein# ;(!#e! ,i$h $he li&el' !ire.$ion of $ha$ ;(!#%en$/ 'o( en! (+

,i$h $hi (n(r+riin# fa.$7 We1re %o$ li&el' $o reor$ $o .oer.i-e

$a.6$i./ an! $o *e.o%e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h $he nee! $o .on$rol o(r

.hil!ren/ ,hen ,e1re o($ in +(*li.0C

A i $r(e of %an' o$her fear/$hi .an e$ (+ a elf6f(lfillin# +ro+he.'/ o $ha$ .ra.&in# !o,n on

&i! for fear of ,ha$ o$her +eo+le ,ill $hin& %a' +ro!(.e %ore of

e2a.$l' $he &in! of *eha-ior $ha$ ,e !on1$ ,an$ an'one $o ee0

FEAR FOR OUR 8HILDREN1S SAFETY

All .arin# +aren$ ,orr' a*o($ $heir &i!/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $he

ne,+a+er are f(ll of hair6raiin# $orie of *a! $hin# ha++enin#

$o #oo! +eo+le0 Un$il I *e.a%e a +aren$/ I !i!n1$ realie ho, har! i$

.an *e $o &no, ,hen $hoe .on.ern are a++ro+ria$e an! ,hen

$he'1re e2a##era$e!)an! ,hen o(r re+one .ro $he line $ha$

!i-i!e rea6ona*le +re.a($ion fro% $iflin# o-er+ro$e.$ion0

S$ill/ i$1 +re$$' .lear $ha$ o%e +aren$ ra$ionalie an ina++ro+ri6

a$e !e#ree of .on$rol o-er $heir .hil!ren on $he #ro(n! $ha$ $erri*le

$hin# ,ill ha++en o$her,ie0 I1% no$ $al&in# a*o($ &ee+in# an e'e

o($ for a .hil!/ *ein# a,are of ,ha$1 #oin# on in hi life/ an!

e$$in# a#e6a++ro+ria$e li%i$0 O*-io(l'/ $hoe $hin# %a&e ene0

I1% $al&in# a*o($ $he &in! of .on$rol !e.ri*e! in .ha+$er / ,here

$he +aren$ #i-e $he .hil! $oo fe, o++or$(ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion

a*o($ ,ha$ he1 !oin#/ in $he na%e of +ro$e.$in# hi%0 9Wore 'e$ i

,hen .hil!ren are o-er.on$rolle! *e.a(e ,e fear for $he afe$' of

things)$ha$ i/ +o6eion0: Thi .an 3(i.&l' $a&e a $oll on a

.hil!1 elf6.onfi!en.e a ,ell a on her rela$ionhi+ ,i$h (0

FEAR OF BABYING

I$1 %ore $han *ein# i.& of .han#in# !ia+er $ha$ lea! o%e +ar6

en$ $o $r' $o +ee! (+ $oile$ $rainin#/ ;($ a i$1 %ore $han a !eire $o

in$ro!(.e .hil!ren $o $he ,on!er of $he ,ri$$en ,or! $ha$ lea! $he%

$o !rill +re.hooler on learnin# $heir le$$er0 I1-e ,a$.he! +eo+le +(h




$o!!ler $o $ar$ $o!!lin#/ .ri$i.ie $he% for .ra,lin#/ ini$ $ha$ $he' .an

,al& (+ $he $air *' $he%el-e no,0 I1-e een for& +la.e! in -er'

'o(n# han!/ a..o%+anie! *' $he .o%%an! $o "ea$ li&e a *i# *o'05 The

a(%+$ion $ha$ ooner i al,a' *e$$er %a' .o%e fro% a fear of la$er0Tha$ fear/ in $(rn/ .an refle.$ $he *elief $ha$ .hil!ren ho(l!n1$

*e "*a*ie!05 I$1 $i%e $o ,ean $he%/ $i%e $o +o$$'6$rain $he%/ $i%e $o

#e$ $he% ,al&in# an! $al&in# an! !oin# %ore $hin# on $heir o,n0

Paren$ ,orr' ,hen $heir .hil!ren a.$ in ,a' $ha$ $he' $hin& are $oo

'o(n#0 B($ ,h'@ A frien! of %ine li&e $o $a&e $he lon# -ie,/ a&in#

rhe$ori.all'/ "Do 'o( reall' $hin& he1ll $ill *e .ra,lin# 9or ,earin# +(ll6

(+: in ;(nior hi#h .hool@ Wha$1 $he r(h@5 9An! +ea&in# of ;(nior

hi#h .hool/ ,hen ,a $he la$ $i%e 'o( hear! $he +aren$ of a 'o(n#

a!ole.en$ +(hin# that .hil! $o #ro, (+ fa$er)$o (e %ore %a&e(+/

a$$en! %ore (n(+er-ie! +ar$ie/ *e.o%e %ore e2(all' a.$i-e/ or

h(rr' (+ an! #e$ a !ri-er1 li.ene alrea!'@:

The +eo+le %o$ li&el' $o ha-e %a!e $heir +ea.e ,i$h #oin# lo,

are $he +aren$ of .hil!ren ,i$h !e-elo+%en$al !ia*ili$ie0 The'1-e

ha! $o fa.e !o,n $heir ,or$ fear an! ,or& $hro(#h $he%0 B($ $he

$ri.& i for +aren$ of all .hil!ren $o rela2 an! le$ $he% +ro.ee! a$ $heir

o,n +a.e0 I$1 one $hin# $o *e $oo e2ha($e! $o .arr' a fo(r6'ear6ol!

i$1 o%e$hin# ele $o ref(e $o .arr' hi% for fear $ha$ &i! of $ha$ a#e

;($ shouldn0t *e .arrie!)an!/ %ore #enerall'/ $ha$ &i! al,a' o(#h$

$o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re .a+a*le of !oin#0

Thee !a'/ %' nine6'ear6ol! !a(#h$er #e$ a &i.& o($ of ,a$.hin# TV

ho, in$en!e! for %(.h 'o(n#er .hil!ren0 A$ fir$ $hi %a!e %e (nea'0

E-en$(all' I realie! e-eral $hin#0 Fir$/ he #e$ %ore $han eno(#h

in$elle.$(al $i%(la$ion !(rin# $he !a' an! !eer-e $o en;o' o%e

(n.hallen#in# en$er$ain%en$0 9If a!(l$ .an rela2 ,i$h $(+i! i$6.o% or

+a+er*a.& $hriller/ ,h' .an1$ a fo(r$h6#ra!er l(% ,i$h +re6.hool

+ro#ra%@: Se.on!/ ,hen I ,a$.he! o%e of $hee ho, ,i$h her/ I

realie! $ha$ he ,a a.$(all' (in# her o+hi$i.a$e! &ill $o +re!i.$ +lo$!e-elo+%en$/ .ri$i.ie in.oni$en.ie/ .oni!er al$erna6$i-e .o(re of

a.$ion for $he .hara.$er/ an! fi#(re o($ $he $e.hni.al $ri.& $ha$ .rea$e

-ario( ill(ion0C Thir!/ an! %o$ i%+or$an$/




,a$.hin# a TV +ro#ra% 9or rea!in# a *oo&: $ha$1 "*elo, her le-el5

!oen1$ %a&e her !(%*er0 The real +eril .oni$ of +(hin# her $o

#ro, (+ fa$er0

The fear of *a*'in# i fir$ .o(in $o $he fear $ha$ o(r .hil!ren ,ill *elef$ *ehin!0 Thi hel+ $o e2+lain $he +o+(lari$' of no2io(/ fear6$o&in#

*oo& ,i$h $i$le li&e What 2our T%o-Day-<ld &hould no% 0 Whene-er I

ee +aren$ e'ein# $he o$her &i! in a roo% $o #a(#e ,ho1 alrea!' !oin#

,ha$/ I1% re%in!e! of i*lin# ,ho/ (+on *ein# er-e! !eer$/

i%%e!ia$el' #lan.e a$ $he o$her one1 +or$ion $o %a&e (re i$ in1$ *i##er0

The .o%+(lion $o .o%+are refle.$ a fear/ (ni3(el' .(l6$i-a$e! in o(r

.o%+e$i$ion6.ra' o.ie$'/ $ha$ o$her +eo+le1 .hil!ren are ahea! of one1

o,n0 Peo+le ,ho a.$ a $ho(#h .hil!hoo! i a ra.e in-aria*l' -ii$ a

-arie$' of (n+ro!(.$i-e +re(re on $heir .hil!ren0

FEAR OF PERMISSIVENESS

<($ a $he .on.ern $ha$ one1 .hil!ren ,ill *e o($+erfor%e! *'

$heir +eer i ao.ia$e! ,i$h an (nheal$h' +re for (..e/ o $he

fear of +er%ii-ene .an +ro%o$e (nheal$h' o-er.on$rol0 A I1-e

alrea!' o*er-e!/ i$1 no$ +er%ii-ene i$elf/ *($ $he fear of

+er%ii-ene/ $ha$ .a(e $he %o$ erio( +ro*le% in o(r .(l$(re0

Tha$ fear i of$en $o&e! *' !i.i+line *oo&/ a Tho%a Gor!on on.e

+oin$e! o($7 "Fir$/ $he' %i$a&enl' hol! (+ +er%ii-ene a $he e-il

.(l+ri$ $hen $he' .are +aren$ in$o *elie-in# $ha$ $he onl' $hin# $he'

.an !o $o o-er.o%e i$ i $o e2er.ie $ron# +aren$al a($hori$')$ha$ i/

*e $ri.$/ la' !o,n r(le an! -i#oro(l' enfor.e $he%/ e$ fir% li%i$/

(e +h'6i.al +(nih%en$/ an! !e%an! o*e!ien.e05C

The e%+iri.al lin& *e$,een a(%+$ion an! fear/ on $he one han!/

an! .hil!6rearin# +ra.$i.e/ on $he o$her/ ha *een ,ell e$a*6lihe!0 For

e2a%+le/ %o$her ,ho *elie-e $ha$ *a*ie .an *e +oile! *' $oo %(.h

affe.$ion !o in!ee! $en! $o +ro-i!e le (++or$i-e en-i6ron%en$0C B($

,i$h ol!er .hil!ren/ $oo/ ,e .an .ar.el' $all' (+ $he !a%a#e .a(e! *'

+aren$ ,ho i%+oe a($o.ra$i. !i.$a$e/ or offer onl' .on!i$ional

a..e+$an.e/ *e.a(e $he'1re $errifie! $ha$ an'$hin# ele




a%o(n$ $o *ein# $oo +er%ii-e0 Freein# +eo+le fro% $hi fear i

an i%+or$an$ $e+ $o,ar! hel+in# $he% *e.o%e $he lo-in# +aren$

$he'1re .a+a*le of *ein#0

In %' e2+erien.e/ ,ha$ !i$in#(ihe $r(l' #rea$ +aren$ i $heir

,ill6in#ne $o .onfron$ $ro(*lin# 3(e$ion a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e

*een !oin# an! ,ha$ ,a !one $o $he%0 When a (##e$ion i

%a!e $ha$ $here %a' *e a *e$$er ,a' $o han!le a .onfli.$ ,i$h $heir

.hil!ren/ $he' rei$ $he $e%+$a$ion $o re+on! !efeni-el'/ "Well/

$ha$1 ,ha$ %' +aren$ !i! ,i$h %e/ an! o*-io(l' I $(rne! o($o&a'05 To #e$ *e$$er a$ $he .raf$ of raiin# .hil!ren/ ,e nee! $o *e

o+en $o eein# ,ha$1 (n+lea6an$ in or!er $o e-al(a$e ,ha$ o(r

+aren$ !i! ri#h$ an! ,here ,e %i#h$ *e a*le $o i%+ro-e on $heir

a++roa.h0 Thoe of ( ,ho ,ere l(.&' eno(#h $o *e $rea$e! ,i$h

re+e.$ ,ill/ of .o(re/ ,an$ $o !o $he a%e ,i$h o(r o,n .hil!ren0

The re$ of ( %($ reol-e not $o $rea$ o(r .hil!ren $he ,a' ,e

,ere $rea$e!/ *($ ra$her $he ,a' ,e ,ih ,e ha! *een $rea$e!0

In li$in# a(%+$ion (.h a $hoe re#ar!in# re$ri*($ion an! reli6

#ion/ .o%+e$i$ion an! .onfor%i$'/ %' +oin$ in1$ $o ref($e $hoe *elief *($

$o hine a +o$li#h$ on $he% o ,e .an .oni!er ,he$her $he' infl(6en.e

o(r .hil!6rearin# +ra.$i.e0 An! %' o*;e.$i-e i ne.earil' e-en %ore

li%i$e! ,hen i$ .o%e $o $he !ee+l' +eronal $(ff0 No$,i$h6$an!in# ,ha$

'o( %a' ha-e hear! fro% o%e o$her a($hor/ $he +ro+e.$ for

%eanin#f(l $ranfor%a$ion fro% rea!in# a *oo& are no$ #oo!0 I .an onl'

ho+e $ha$ Fre(! ,a ri#h$ in $hin&in# $ha$ ini#h$ %i#h$ *e $he fir$ $e+

$o,ar! .han#e0 Real (n!er$an!in#/ $he &in! $ha$ in-ol-e $he #($ a ,ell

a $he hea!/ %a' no$ *e (ffi.ien$ for !oin# $hin# !ifferen$l' ,i$h one1

.hil!ren/ *($ i$ +ro*a*l' i ne.ear'0

The (+ho$ i $hi0 We1re (nli&el' $o %ee$ o(r lon#6$er% #oal for

o(r &i! (nle ,e1re rea!' $o a& $he follo,in# 3(e$ion7 "s it possi-

ble that %hat " ;ust did %ith the had ore to do %ith y needs, y

)ears, and y o%n upbringing than %ith %hat0s really in their best

interests9 The an,er %a' ,ell *e a rea(rin# no)an!/ one ho+e/




$here ,ill *e %ore no1 $han 'ee $o $ha$ 3(e$ion a ,e #o alon#0

B($ ,e ha-e $o *e ,illin# $o &ee+ a&in# i$0 On.e ,e .an loo& a$

$he +o6i*le reaon for a.$in# $he ,a' ,e !o),hi.h/ of .o(re/

aren1$ li%6i$e! $o $hoe li$e! in $hi .ha+$er),e .an %o-e on $o+e.ifi. i!ea for ho, $o *e.o%e *e$$er +aren$0



PRIN8IPLES OF

UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

I%i#h$ a ,ell ,arn 'o( no,7 Wha$ follo, ,ill no$ *e a $e+6*'6$e+

re.i+e for Ho, $o Raie Goo! Ki!0 Fir$ of all/ I ,o(l! ha-e $o *e a

nearl' +erfe.$ +aren$ %'elf/ ,hi.h I1% no$/ *efore I +re(%e! $o offer

o$her +eo+le a !efini$i-e/ fail6afe #(i!e $o raiin# their .hil6!ren0Se.on!/ I ha-e %' !o(*$ a*o($ $he ,i!o% of (.h an

a++roa.h in an' .ae0 Ver' +e.ifi. (##e$ion 9"When 'o(r .hil!

a' x, 'o( ho(l! $an! a$ lo.a$ion y an! (e = $one of -oi.e $o ($$er

$he follo,in# en$en.e 0 0 05: are !ire+e.$f(l $o +aren$ an! &i!

ali&e0 Raiin# .hil!ren i no$ li&e ae%*lin# a ho%e $hea$er '$e% or

+re+arin# a .aerole/ (.h $ha$ 'o( nee! onl' follo, an e2+er$1

in$r(.$ion $o $he le$$er0 No one6ie6fi$6all for%(la .an +oi*l' ,or&

for e-er' fa%il'/ nor .an i$ an$i.i+a$e an infini$e n(%*er of i$6(a$ion0

In!ee!/ *oo& $ha$ .lai% $o offer (.h for%(la/ ,hile ea#erl' o(#h$*' %o% an! !a! !e+era$e for a %ira.le .(re/ ((6

all' !o %ore har% $han #oo!0

Wha$ I ,ill !o/ in $hi .ha+$er an! $hoe $ha$ follo,/ i la' o($ o%e

*roa! +rin.i+le/ o%e ,a' of $hin&in# a*o($ ho, $o .rea$e al$erna6

$i-e $o $ra!i$ional +aren$in#0 Thee are !eri-e! fro% reear.h/ fro% a

'n$hei of $he ,or& of o$her $ho(#h$f(l a!-ior/ fro% %' o,n




e2+erien.e/ an! fro% %' o*er-a$ion of o$her fa%ilie0 Yo(1ll ha-e

$o !e.i!e ,he$her ea.h i!ea ee% reaona*le an!/ if o/ ho, i$

%a' a++l' $o raiin# 'o(r o,n .hil!ren0

The re.o%%en!a$ion I1ll *e offerin# are/ fran&l'/ %ore .hallen#6in# $han $hoe +ro+oe! in a lo$ of o$her *oo&0 I$1 har!er $o %a&e

(re .hil!ren feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall' $han i$ i ;($ $o lo-e $he%0 I$1

har!er $o re+on! $o $he% in all $heir .o%+le2i$' $han i$ i $o fo.( ;($

on $heir *eha-ior0 I$1 har!er $o $r' $o ol-e +ro*le% ,i$h $he%/ $o

#i-e $he% reaon for !oin# $he ri#h$ $hin# 9le$ alone $o hel+ $he% for6

%(la$e $heir o,n reaon:/ $han i$ i $o .on$rol $he% ,i$h .arro$ an!

$i.&0 "Wor&in# ,i$h5 a& %ore of ( $han !oe "!oin# $o05

O!!l'/ ",or&in# ,i$h5 i!ea are of$en hel! $o a %(.h hi#her $an6

!ar!0 One reear.her/ no$in# $ha$ 'o(n# .hil!ren $'+i.all' %i*eha-e

e-en af$er ha-in# *een $ol! $o $o+/ o*er-e $ha$ +aren$ $hen .on6

.l(!e $ha$ $al&in# $o .hil!ren !oen1$ ,or&0 B($ +(nih%en$/ in.l(!6in#

.or+oral +(nih%en$/ ((all' in1$ effe.$i-e ei$her/ he +oin$ o($0 In

fa.$/ half $he $o!!ler in one $(!' %i*eha-e! a#ain ,i$hin a*o($ $,o

ho(r)an! fo(r6fif$h of $he% %i*eha-e! a#ain *efore $he !a' ,a

o-er)re#ar!le of ho, $heir +aren$ re+on!e! $he fir$ $i%e0 "The

!ifferen.e 0 0 0 i $ha$/ ,hen +an&in# !oe no$ ,or&/ +aren$ !o no$

3(e$ion i$ effe.$i-ene05 9In!ee!/ i$1 .o%%on in $ha$ .ae $o

a(%e $he .hil! re3(ire ore $ra!i$ional !i.i+line0:

No +e.ifi. in$er-en$ion/ nei$her %ine nor an'one ele1/ i

#(ar6an$ee! $o *e effe.$i-e0 B($ $r'in# $o i%+oe o(r ,ill on a .hil!

i al%o$ .er$ain $o *e ineffe.$i-e a$ +ro!(.in# an'$hin# *e'on!

reen$f(l $e%6+orar' o*e!ien.e0 9Of$en/ a ,e a, in .ha+$er / i$

!oen1$ e-en +ro6!(.e $ha$0: Wha$ I1ll *e !e.ri*in# ha a %(.h

*e$$er .han.e of (..e/ ,i$h far fe,er ri& $o a .hil!1 heal$h'

!e-elo+%en$ or $o o(r rela6$ionhi+ ,i$h $ha$ .hil!0

The hif$ a,a' fro% ol!er %e$ho!/ ho,e-er/ ha $o *e a..o%+a6

nie! *' a hif$ in #oal0 S+e.ifi.all'/ o(r %ain 3(e$ion ho(l!n1$ *e"Ho, !o I #e$ %' .hil! $o !o ,ha$ I a'@5 *($ 6What does y child

need3and ho% can " eet those needs98 In %' e2+erien.e/ 'o( .an

+re!i.$ %(.h of ,ha$ ha++en in fa%ilie ;($ fro% &no,in# ,hi.h

P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G



of $hoe 3(e$ion i %ore i%+or$an$ $o $he +aren$0 Yo( !on1$ e-en

ha-e $o &no, $he an,er $he'1-e fo(n!)$ha$ i/ ,hi.h $a.$i. are

(e! $o #e$ .o%+lian.e 9in $he fir$ .ae:/ or ,ha$ $he .hil! i $ho(#h$

$o nee! 9in $he e.on!:0 The 3(e$ion are ,ha$ .o(n$0

To fo.( on .hil!ren1 nee!/ an! $o ,or& ,i$h $he% $o %a&e (re$heir nee! are %e$/ .on$i$($e a .o%%i$%en$ $o taking children seri-

ously. I$ %ean $rea$in# $he% a +eo+le ,hoe feelin# an! !eire

an! 3(e$ion %a$$er0 A .hil!1 +referen.e .an1$ al,a' *e

a..o%%o!a$e!/ *($ $he' .an al,a' *e .oni!ere! an! $he' nee!

ne-er *e !i%ie! o($ of han!0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $o ee a .hil! a

o%eone ,i$h a (ni3(e +oin$ of -ie,/ ,i$h -er' real fear an!

.on.ern 9of$en 3(i$e !ifferen$ fro% o(r o,n:/ an! ,i$h a !i$in.$i-e

,a' of reaonin# 9,hi.h i no$ %erel' ".($e5:0

When I fin! %'elf rea.$in# ,i$h horror $o .er$ain !i.i+line e2+er$

an! $he .a(all' .allo( a!-i.e $he' offer/ i$1 $'+i.all' *e.a(e $he'

!on1$ ee% $o honor)or/ in o%e .ae/ e-en $o like)&i!0 I a++l'

$he a%e $an!ar! ,hen I ,a$.h o$her +aren$0 I1% no$ o .on6.erne!

,i$h ,he$her $he' %a&e all $he a%e .hoi.e or (e $he a%e

$ra$e#ie $ha$ I !o/ *($ ,i$h ,he$her $heir a.$ion an! ,or! an! $one

of -oi.e %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $he' $a&e $heir &i! erio(l'0

The follo,in# $hree .ha+$er ,ill offer (##e$ion for !oin# o

in $hree +e.ifi. ,a'7 e2+rein# (n.on!i$ional lo-e/ #i-in#

.hil!ren %ore .han.e $o %a&e !e.iion/ an! i%a#inin# ho,

$hin# loo& fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,0 Fir$/ $ho(#h/ I ,an$ $o

+ro+oe a *a&er1 !oen #(i!in# +rin.i+le0 Ea.h of $hee ha

+ra.$i.al i%+li.a$ion $ha$ %a' *e %ore (r+riin# an! .hallen#in#

$han i$ .a+(le !e.ri+$ion ,o(l! i%+l'0

Here $he' are all $o#e$her7

1. Be refle.$i-e0

2. Re.oni!er 'o(r re3(e$0

3. Kee+ 'o(r e'e on 'o(r lon#6$er% #oal04. P($ $he rela$ionhi+ fir$0

5. 8han#e ho, 'o( ee/ no$ ;($ ho, 'o( a.$0




6. R6E6S6P6E686T0

7. Be a($hen$i.0

8. Tal& le/ a& %ore0

9. Kee+ $heir a#e in %in!0

10. A$$ri*($e $o .hil!ren $he *e$ +oi*le %o$i-e .oni$en$

,i$h $he fa.$0

11. Don1$ $i.& 'o(r no1 in (nne.earil'0

12. Don1$ *e ri#i!0

13. Don1$ *e in a h(rr'0

1. BE REFLE8TIVE0

In a %o%en$ of fr($ra$ion/ %' ,ife on.e +($ her fin#er on a !ile%%a

$ha$ %an' +aren$ fa.e0 She ai!/ "I !on1$ &no, ho, $o %a&e $he &i! !o

,ha$ I a' ,i$ho($ !oin# $hin# I fin! (na++ealin#05 There1 no ea'

ol($ion $o $hi +ro*le%/ *($ $here1 one re+one $ha$ ,e !efini$el' o(#h$

$o a-oi!/ an! $ha$ i $o ra$ionalie ,ha$e-er ,e1re !oin# o $ha$ i$ nolon#er ee% (na++ealin# $o (0 Poof4 No %ore !ile%%a0 Si%ilarl'/ o%e

+aren$ %ana#e $o .on-in.e $he%el-e $ha$ ,ha$e-er r(le $he'1-e

e$a*lihe!/ e-en $hoe ,i$h no .o%+ellin# ;(6$ifi.a$ion/ are o%eho, in

$heir .hil!ren1 *e$ in$ere$0

The *e$ +aren$ are in$ro+e.$i-e an! ,illin# $o #i-e $he%el-e a

har! $i%e0 I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ 'o( *e.o%e .on(%e! ,i$h #(il$

an! feelin# of ina!e3(a.' $here i (.h a $hin# a *ein# $oo elf6

.ri$i.al 9or .ri$i.al in an (n+ro!(.$i-e ,a':0 B($ %o$ of ( ,o(l! *en6

efi$ *' +en!in# %ore $i%e re-ie,in# ,ha$ ,e1-e !one ,i$h o(r

.hil!ren in or!er $o *e *e$$er +aren$ $o%orro, $han ,e are $o!a'0

Tr' $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ %a' *e !ri-in# 'o(r +aren$in# $'le0 The

%ore $ran+aren$ 'o( are $o 'o(relf)$he *e$$er 'o( .o%e $o (n!er6

$an! ho, 'o(r o,n nee! an! e2+erien.e affe.$ $he ,a' 'o( a.$

,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren 9(.h a ,ha$ !ri-e 'o( .ra' an! ,h':)$he %ore

li&el' i$ i $ha$ 'o(1ll i%+ro-e0 For e2a%+le/ $he 3(ali$ie $ha$ +ar$i.6

(larl' irri$a$e o%e +eo+le a*o($ $heir .hil!ren $(rn o($ $o *e (n,el6

.o%e re%in!er of $heir o,n lea$ a++ealin# fea$(re0 A Pie$ Hein/




$he Danih +oe$ an! .ien$i$/ +($ i$7 "The error har!e$ $o

.on!one In o$her +eo+le are one1 o,n05

In hor$7 Be hone$ ,i$h 'o(relf a*o($ 'o(r %o$i-e0 Don1$ $o+

*ein# $ro(*le! *' $hin# 'o( !o $ha$ reall' are $ro(*lin#0 An! *e aler$for i#n $ha$ $he ,a' 'o( in$era.$ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren %a' ha-e !rif$e!

$o,ar! a .on$rollin# $'le ,i$ho($ 'o(r e-en *ein# a,are of i$0

C0 RE8ONSIDER YOUR REUESTS0

Here1 a -er' (ne$$lin# +oi*ili$'7 Perha+ ,hen 'o(r .hil! !oen1$

!o ,ha$ 'o(1re !e%an!in#/ $he +ro*le% in1$ ,i$h $he .hil! *($ ,i$h ,ha$ i$i 'o(1re !e%an!in#0 I$1 re%ar&a*le ho, fe, *oo& ,ri$$en for +aren$

e-en raie $hi +oi*ili$'0 The -a$ %a;ori$' of $he% $a&e ,ha$e-er $heir

rea!er ,an$ $heir &i! $o !o a $he +oin$ of !e+ar$(re/ an! $hen offer

$e.hni3(e for #e$$in# .o%+lian.e0 In %o$ .ae/ $hee $e.hni3(e

in-ol-e "+oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$5 or ".one3(en.e")$ha$ i/ *ri*e or

$hrea$0 In o%e .ae/ $he' in-ol-e %ore $ho(#h$f(l an! re+e.$f(l ,a'

of in$era.$in# ,i$h .hil!ren0 B($ al%o$ ne-er are +ar6en$ en.o(ra#e! $ore.oni!er $heir re3(e$0

One re.en$ *oo&/ for e2a%+le/ $ree $he i%+or$an.e of *e.o%6

in# %ore re+oni-e an! %ore &illf(l a$ ,in6,in ne#o$ia$ion0 I fo(n!

$he +e.ifi. i!ea (ef(l an! $he #eneral a++roa.h refrehin#l'

h(%ane0 B($ in offerin# a!-i.e $o +aren$ ,ho ha! a&e! ho, $o #e$

$heir &i! $o %a&e $heir *e! or ea$ $heir -e#e$a*le/ $he a($hor ee%

no$ $o ha-e .oni!ere! $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $hee o*;e.$i-e %i#h$ *e

+ro*le%a$i.0 If ,e1re #i-in# .hil!ren reaona*l' heal$h' %eal/ i i$

e-er ne.ear' $o for.e $he% $o ea$ o%e$hin#@ An! ,h' !oe $he

onl' +la.e in $he ,orl! $ha$ i $r(l' a .hil!1 o,n ha-e $o *e %ain$aine!

a..or!in# $o $he +aren$1 $an!ar!@ E-en rela$i-el' +ro#rei-e

*oo& $en! $o fo.( on ho%, ra$her $han %hether, $o #e$ $he .hil! $o !o

,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$0

In o%e .ae/ $he $ro(*le i $ha$ +aren$al !e%an! are o($ of $e+

,i$h ,ha$ .an reaona*l' *e e2+e.$e! of .hil!ren a$ a .er$ain a#e0 9More

a*o($ $hi in a %o%en$0: B($ e-en ,hen a .hil! .an !o o%e6



3(e$ion0 The #oo! ne, i $ha$ ,hen +aren$ !o %ana#e $o &ee+

$heir *roa!er o*;e.$i-e in -ie,)in!ee!/ ,hen $he' fo.( on

an'$hin# %ore a%*i$io( $han ;($ #e$$in# $heir &i! $o o*e' ri#h$

$hi in$an$) $he' $en! $o (e *e$$er +aren$in# &ill an! $he' #e$

*e$$er re(l$0C A$ $he -er' lea$/ ,e nee! $o &ee+ a ene of +er+e.$i-e0 Whe$her 'o(r .hil! +ill $he .ho.ola$e %il& $o!a'/ or

loe her $e%+er/ or for#e$ $o !o her ho%e,or& !oen1$ %a$$er

nearl' a %(.h a $he $hin# 'o( !o $ha$ ei$her hel+ or !on1$ hel+

her $o *e.o%e a !e.en$/ re+oni*le/ .o%+aiona$e +eron0

0 PUT THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST0

S+ea&in# of +ara%o(n$ #oal/ $here1 no o-er$a$in# $he i%+or6

$an.e of $he rela$ionhi+ ,e .rea$e ,i$h o(r .hil!ren0 M' frien! Dann'

re.en$l' (%%arie! ,ha$ he1 learne! fro% 'ear of fa$herhoo!7

"Bein# ri#h$ in1$ ne.earil' ,ha$ %a$$er05 In fa.$/ i$ %a$$er -er' li$6

$le if 'o(r .hil!ren $iffen ,hen 'o( ,al& in$o $he roo%0

In a +(rel' +ra.$i.al ene/ %i*eha-ior i eaier $o a!!re)an!

+ro*le% are eaier $o ol-e),hen .hil!ren feel afe eno(#h ,i$h (

$o e2+lain $he reaon $he' !i! o%e$hin# ,ron#0 Ki! are %ore li&el'

$o .o%e $o ( ,hen $he'1re in $ro(*le/ $o loo& $o ( for a!-i.e/ an! $o

%ant $o +en! $i%e ,i$h ( ,hen $he' .an .hooe ,he$her $o !o o0

F(r6$her%ore/ ,hen $he' &no, $he' .an $r($ (/ $he'1re %ore li&el' $o

!o ,ha$ ,e a& if ,e $ell $he% i$1 reall' i%+or$an$0

Of .o(re/ a oli! an! lo-in# rela$ionhi+ in1$ ;($ifie! +ri%aril'

*e.a(e i$1 (ef(l i$1 an en! in i$elf0 Tha$1 ,h' ,e nee! $o a&

,he$her i$1 ,or$h ;eo+ar!iin# $ha$ rela$ionhi+ in or!er $o #e$ a *a*' $o

lee+ $hro(#h $he ni#h$/ or a $o!!ler $o $ar$ (in# $he +o$$'/ or a .hil! $o

%in! hi %anner0 There ,ill *e $i%e ,hen/ in or!er $o !o $he ri#h$ $hin#/

,e ha-e $o +($ o(r foo$ !o,n an! .a(e o(r &i! $o *e.o%e fr($ra$e!

,i$h (0 B($ *efore ,e reor$ $o .on$rollin# in$er-en$ion/ *efore ,e %a&e

a .hil! (nha++'/ an! .er$ainl' *efore ,e !o an'$hin# $ha$ .o(l! *e.on$r(e! a +la.in# .on!i$ion on o(r lo-e/ ,e ho(l! %a&e a*ol($el'

(re i$1 ,or$h $he +oi*le $rain on $he rela$ionhi+0




5. 8HANGE HOW YOU SEE/ NOT <UST HOW YOU A8T0

Un.on!i$ional +aren$ !on1$ ;($ *eha-e !ifferen$l'/ (.h a *'

a-oi!in# $he (e of +(nih%en$0 The' see $hin# !ifferen$l'0 When

a .hil! !oe o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ .on!i$ional +aren$ are li&el'

$o +er.ei-e $hi a an infra.$ion/ an! infra.$ion na$(rall' ee% $o

.all for ".one3(en.e05 Un.on!i$ional +aren$ are a+$ $o ee $he

a%e a.$ a a +ro*le% $o *e ol-e!/ an o++or$(ni$' for $ea.hin#

ra$her $han for %a&in# $he .hil! (ffer0 A#ain/ i$1 no$ ;($ $he .hoi.e

of a ",or&in# ,i$h5 a o++oe! $o a "!oin# $o5 re+one i$1 $ha$

$hee re+one e%er#e fro% ho, one %a&e ene of ,ha$

ha++ene!0 Moreo-er/ $o ee .hil!ren1 *eha-ior a a "$ea.ha*le

%o%en$5 in-i$e ( $o in.l(!e $he% in $he +ro.e of ol-in# $he

+ro*le%/ ,hi.h i %ore li&el' $o *e effe.$i-e0

0 R6E6S6P6E686T0

Par$ of ,ha$ I %ean *' $a&in# .hil!ren erio(l' i $rea$in# $he%

,i$h re+e.$0 M' -al(e ;(!#%en$ i $ha$ all +eo+le !eer-e $hi0 M'

h'+o$hei i $ha$ &i! are %ore li&el' $o re+e.$ o$her 9in.l(!in# 'o(:

if $he' $he%el-e feel re+e.$e!0 E-en +aren$ ,ho o*-io(l' lo-e

$heir .hil!ren !on1$ al,a' a.$ a $ho(#h $he' re+e.$ $he%0 So%e

o(n! ni!e or ar.a$i.0 The' ,ri$e off $heir &i!1 re3(e$/ !i%i

$heir feel6in# of an#er/ or $ri-ialie $heir fear0 The' in$err(+$ $heir &i!

in a ,a' $he' ,o(l!n1$ !rea% of !oin# ,i$h ano$her a!(l$/ 'e$ $he'

*e.o%e in.ene! ,hen $heir &i! in$err(+$ $he%0 An! $he' %a' alo

$al& about $heir .hil!ren in a *eli$$lin# ,a'7 "Oh/ he1 ;($ *ein# a

+ri%a !onna05 "<($ i#nore hi% ,hen he #e$ li&e $ha$05

To $rea$ .hil!ren re+e.$f(ll' %ean %a&in# an effor$ $o a-oi! !oin#

$hee $hin#/ *($ i$ alo %ean realiin# $ha$ .hil!ren are %ore

&no,le!#ea*le a*o($ o%e %a$$er $han ,e are)an! I !on1$ ;($ %ean

$ha$ $he' &no, ,hi.h !inoa(r ,ere %ea$6ea$er0 Tho%a Gor!on ai! i$,ell7 "8hil!ren o%e$i%e &no, *e$$er $han +aren$ ,hen $he' are lee+'

or h(n#r' &no, *e$$er $he 3(ali$ie of $heir frien!/ $heir o,n a+ira$ion

an! #oal/ ho, $heir -ario( $ea.her $rea$ $he%




,hen ,e .re, (+/ ,e ho(l! a!%i$ i$7 "Yo( &no,/ ,ee$ie/ I1-e

*een $hin&in# a*o($ ,ha$ I ai! la$ ni#h$/ an! I $hin& I %i#h$ ha-e

*een ,ron#05 M' a!-i.e i $o %a&e a +oin$ of a+olo#iin# $o 'o(r

.hil! a*o($ o%e$hin# a$ lea$ $,i.e a %on$h0 Wh' $,i.e a %on$h@I !on1$ &no,0 I$ o(n! a*o($ ri#h$ $o %e0 9Al%o$ all $he +e.ifi.

a!-i.e in +aren$in# *oo& i i%ilarl' ar*i$rar'0 A$ lea$ I a!%i$ i$0:

There are $,o reaon $o a+olo#ie0 Fir$/ i$ e$ a +o,erf(l

e2a%6+le0 I no$e! earlier $ha$ i$ %a&e no ene $o )orce .hil!ren $o

a' $he'1re orr' ,hen $he'1re no$0 A far %ore effe.$i-e ,a' $o

in$ro!(.e $he% $o $he i!ea of a+olo#iin# i $o sho% $he% ho, i$1

!one0 Se.on!/ a+olo#iin# $a&e 'o( off 'o(r +erfe.$ +aren$

+e!e$al an! re%in! $he% $ha$ 'o(1re falli*le0 In fa.$/ i$ ho,

$he% $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o a.&no,le!#e 9$o o(rel-e an! $o o$her:

$ha$ ,e %a&e %i$a&e/ an! $ha$ $hin# are o%e$i%e o(r fa(l$/

,i$ho($ loin# fa.e or feelin# ho+elel' ina!e3(a$e0

The reaon $ha$ a+olo#iin# i o i%+or$an$ are alo $he

reaon $ha$ %o$ +aren$ !on1$ !o i$0 Af$er all/ i$ .an feel

rea(rin# $o $an! on $ha$ +e!e$al/ $ha$ +oi$ion of (l$i%a$e an!

(n3(e$iona*le a($hor6i$'0 To a' 'o(1re orr' i $o %a&e 'o(relf

-(lnera*le/ ,hi.h in1$ ea' for %an' of ()in +ar$ *e.a(e of $he

e2$re%e -(lnera*ili$' ,e e2+e6rien.e! a .hil!ren0

Wha$1 %ore/ %an' +aren$ fear $ha$ rea.hin# o($ $o !e-elo+ #en6

(ine/ ,ar% rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir &i! %a' .o%+ro%ie $heir .a+a.6

i$' $o .on$rol $he%0 M(.h of .on!i$ional +aren$in# .an *e $ra.e! *a.&

$o $he fa.$ $ha$ ,hen $hoe $,o o*;e.$i-e .lah/ .on$rol $en! $o *e

fa-ore! o-er .onne.$ion0 Yo( .an ee $hi e-en in $he (*$le ,a'

+ar6en$ !i$an.e $he%el-e fro% $heir &i!/ (.h a *' $al&in# a*o($

$he%el-e in $he $hir! +eron 9"Mo%%' ha $o lea-e no,5: lon# af$er

$he .hil! i a*le $o (n!er$an! ho, +rono(n ,or&0

8hil!ren ,ill $ill loo& (+ $o ( e-en if ,e1re .an!i! a*o($ o(r li%6

i$a$ion/ e-en if ,e +ea& $o $he% fro% o(r hear$/ an! e-en if $he'.an ee $ha$/ for all $he +ri-ile#e an! ,i!o% $ha$ a!(l$hoo! .onfer/

,e1re $ill ;($ +eo+le $r(##lin# $o %a&e o(r ,a' in $he ,orl!/ $o !o

$he ri#h$ $hin#/ $o *alan.e +eo+le1 nee!/ $o &ee+ learnin#);($ a




$he' are0 In fa.$/ $he %ore real ,e are ,i$h $he%/ $he %ore li&el' i$

i $ha$ $he'1ll feel real re+e.$ for (0

J0 TALK LESS/ ASK MORE0

Di.$a$in# $o &i! 9e-en in a ni.e ,a': i far le +ro!(.$i-e $han

eli.i$in# i!ea an! o*;e.$ion an! feelin# fro% $he%0 If $al&in# $o

o(r .hil!ren a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one ,ron# fail $o *rin# a*o($ $he

re(l$ ,e ,ere ho+in# for/ i$ in1$ *e.a(e o%e $ron#er for% of

!i6.i+line i re3(ire!0 I$ %a' *e *e.a(e ,e !i! %o$ of $he

$al&in#0 Ma'*e ,e ,ere o *(' $r'in# $o #e$ $he% $o ee o(r +oin$

of -ie, $ha$ ,e !i!n1$ reall' hear $heir0 To *e a #rea$ +aren$ i

%ore a f(n.6$ion of li$enin# $han of e2+lainin#0

A fa$her in On$ario ,ro$e $o $ell %e a*o($ $he !a' hi fo(r6'ear6

ol! !a(#h$er *ro(#h$ ho%e a *a# of na.& fro% .hool0

She !(%+e! $he% on $he li-in# roo% floor an! %a!e a *i# %e/

an! I a&e! her $o +($ $he% *a.& in $he *a# an! e$ $he% on $he

$a*le0 She ref(e!0 M' ini$ial rea.$ion ,a $ha$ $hi ,a a

.hallen#e $o %' a($hori$'0 She ha! "!io*e'e!5 %e/ an! $herefore

+(nih%en$ ,a in or!er0 O$her,ie/ he ,o(l!n1$ li$en $o %e in

$he f($(re0 =In$ea!/ $ho(#h/> I a&e! her/ "Wh' !on1$ 'o( ,an$ $o

+($ $he% a,a'@5 She re+lie!/ "Be.a(e I ,an$ $o ea$ $he%05 The

+ro*le% ol-e! i$elf af$er $hi0 All I ha! $o a' ,a/ "Yo( .an $ill

ea$ $he% af$er 'o( +($ $he% in $he *a#)all I ,an$ i $he li-in#

roo% .lean05 She i%%e!ia$el' +($ $he% in $he *a# an! e$ $he%

on $he $a*le0

A a r(le/ o(r fir$ +riori$' i $o fi#(re o($ $he o(r.e of $he +ro*6le%/ $o

re.o#nie ,ha$ .hil!ren nee!0 For e2a%+le/ $,o6 an! $hree6'ear6ol!

of$en a.$ o($ *e.a(e $he'1re (n!er#oin# a *(%+' $rani$ion fro%

*a*'hoo! in$o +eronhoo!0 The'1re ,re$lin# ,i$h $he a$$ra.6$ion of free!o% an! in!e+en!en.e/ $he +o,er of *ein# a*le $o !o ne, $hin#/

,hile i%(l$aneo(l' $r'in# $o .o+e ,i$h (n,el.o%e li%i$a6




$ion on $he e2er.ie of $heir ,ill0 The' ,an$ %ore a($ono%' $han

$he'1re #i-en)an! o%e$i%e %ore $han $he' .an han!le0 The'1re

alo .are! a*o($ $an!in# a+ar$ fro% 9an! in o++oi$ion $o: $heir

+aren$0 The la$ $hin# $he' nee! !(rin# (.h $(%(l$ i a +aren$,ho i fo.(e! ;($ on e$$in# li%i$ an! &ee+in# .on$rol0

So%e$i%e $he reaon for $ro(*leo%e a.$ion are a f(n.$ion

of a +e.ifi. .hil! or i$(a$ion0 When &i! are $oo 'o(n# $o e2+lain

)or/ in o%e .ae/ e-en $o (n!er$an!)$hoe reaon/ ,e ha-e

$o +ie.e $o#e$her $he .l(e $ha$ %i#h$ hel+ ( %a&e ene of

,ha$1 #oin# on0 When %' on/ Aa/ *e.a%e .ran&' an! .lin#'

!(rin# hi $hir! 'ear/ ,e realie! $ha$ i$ ,a +ro*a*l' rela$e! $o $he

!e+ar$(re of $he *a*'i$6$er ,ho ha! hel+e! $o $a&e .are of hi%

in.e he ,a *orn0 No$ onl' ,a he li&el' #rie-in# for her/ *($ he

,a alo ,on!erin#/ on o%e le-el/ ,he$her $hi %ean$ $ha$

Mo%%' or Da!!'/ $oo/ %i#h$ ;($ (+ an! !ia++ear one !a'0

Tellin# hi% $o $o+ f(in# ,o(l! *e fr(i$le an! fr($ra$in#0

When .hil!ren are ol! eno(#h $o $ell ( ,h' $he'1re (nha++' or an#r'/

$he 3(e$ion $hen *e.o%e ,he$her $he' feel afe eno(#h $o !o o0 O(r

;o* i $o .rea$e $ha$ ene of afe$'/ $o li$en ,i$ho($ ;(!#%en$/ $o %a&e

(re $he' &no, $he' ,on1$ #e$ in$o $ro(*le for $ellin# ( ,ha$ $he'1-e !one

or *e .on!e%ne! for ,ha$ $he' feel0 I !on1$ a' $hi *e.a(e I1% a

rela$i-i$ ,ho *elie-e $ha$ all $hin# +eo+le !o are e3(all' -ali! an! .an1$

*e ;(!#e!0 I a' $hi *e.a(e I1% a +ra#%a$i$ ,ho realie $ha$ 'o( ha-e

$o &no, $he o(r.e of a +ro*le% in or!er $o ol-e i$/ an! alo $ha$ +eo+le

,ho are afrai! of *ein# ;(!#e! are le li&el' $o +ea& o+enl' an!

$herefore le li&el' $o #i-e 'o( $he infor%a$ion ne.ear' $o (n!er6$an!

$he o(r.e of $he +ro*le%0 Tha$1 ,h' $a&in# $hi .re!o eri6o(l')"$al&

le/ a& %ore5)i #oo! a!-i.e for *e.o%in# no$ onl' a *e$$er +aren$ *($

alo a *e$$er +o(e/ frien!/ %ana#er/ or $ea.her0

On $he o$her han!/ no$ all $'+e of a&in# are e3(all' +ro!(.$i-e0

Rhe$ori.al 3(e$ion/ ,hi.h aren1$ reall' in$en!e! $o eli.i$ a $ho(#h$6f(l

re+one/ are +oin$le a$ *e$7 "Wh' .an1$ 'o( loo& a$ +eo+le ,hen

$he'1re $al&in# $o 'o(@5 E-en ,ore are 3(e$ion ,here $here i one

ri#h$ an,er/ an! $he +oin$ i no$ for $he .hil! $o refle.$ *($ %erel' $o




#(e ,ha$ re+one 'o(1re loo&in# for7 "Wha$ !o 'o( $hin& 'o(

.o(l! a' $o 'o(r i$er in.e 'o( ;($ *(%+e! in$o her@5

Af$er offerin# a hor$ li$ of i%ilar "3(e$ion $ha$ #e$ ( no,here

fa$/5 $he a($hor Bar*ara 8oloroo (##e$ $ha$/ *efore a&in# o%e6

$hin#/ 'o( %i#h$ "3(e$ion ,h' 'o( are a&in# i$05 La'in# *are o(r %o$i-e.an offer #(i!an.e a*o($ ,he$her i$1 ,or$h a&in#0 Hin$7 I$1 ,hen ,e1re

no$ en$irel' (re ,ha$ $he .hil! ,ill a'/ an! ,hen ,e1re o+en $o %ore

$han one re+one/ $ha$ a 3(e$ion i %o$ li&el' $o *e *enefi.ial0

On o..aion/ ,e ,o(l! !o ,ell $o a-oi! $al&in# or a&in#0 In %an'

i$(a$ion/ ,e #e$ in$o $ro(*le a +aren$ *e.a(e ,e feel o*li#e! $o

a' o%e$hin#/ e-en $ho(#h $he *e$ a!-i.e ,o(l! *e $o &ee+ 3(ie$0

So%e$i%e ,hen a .hil! i -er' a!/ (##e$ .hil! +'.holo#i$ Ali6

.ia Lie*er%an/ "onl' $a'in# near ,or!lel' !oe honor $o $he .hil!1

e2+erien.e0 H(##in# an! hol!in# 9if $he .hil! allo,: .an .on-e' feel6

in# %(.h *e$$er $han ,or!0 In fa.$/ $o (e lan#(a#e in $hee .on!i6

$ion i ne.earil' $o %i(e i$0 There ,ill *e $i%e for ,or! la$er05

O*-io(l'/ $here i no re.i+e for ,hen $o +ea& (+ an! ,hen $o

hol! *a.&0 So%e$i%e ,e !eal ,i$h .hil!ren1 (nha++ine or ra#e

or ina++ro+ria$e *eha-ior *' $al&in# $oo %(.h/ o..aionall' *'

$al&in# $oo li$$le/ an! %o$ of$en *' $al&in# in a ,a' $ha$ in1$

+ar$i.(larl' hel+f(l0 O-erall/ $ho(#h/ $he +re.ri+$ion $o $al& le

an! a& %ore .an *e a (ef(l #(i!e/ +ar$i.(larl' if ,e a++l' i$ in a

,a' $ha$ hel+ ( $o *e.o%e %ore re+oni-e an! (++or$i-e0

0 KEEP THEIR AGES IN MIND0

An' +ie.e of a!-i.e/ in $hi *oo& or an',here ele/ %a' ha-e $o *e

a++lie! !ifferen$l' ,i$h .hil!ren of !ifferen$ a#e $he $ra$e#ie ,e (e

,i$h .hil!ren ha-e $o .han#e a $he' #ro,0 For e2a%+le/ ,hen a *a*'

$ar$ $o .r' *e.a(e 'o( re%o-e! an ina++ro+ria$e i$e% he ,a

+la'6in# ,i$h/ i$1 fine $o !i$ra.$ her ,i$h a ne, #a%e or $o'0 B($

!i$ra.6$ion i ineffe.$i-e an! e-en in(l$in# ,hen a++lie! $o an ol!er .hil!/ ;($ a i$ ,o(l! *e if you .o%+laine! a*o($ o%e$hin# $ha$ ,a

*o$h6erin# 'o( onl' $o ha-e 'o(r +o(e $r' $o .han#e $he (*;e.$0




8on$rollin# +aren$/ a I1-e %en$ione!/ are li&el' $o hol!

.hil!ren $o (nreali$i.all' hi#h e2+e.$a$ion/ +ar$l' *e.a(e $he'

!on1$ (n!er6$an! ;($ ho, (nreali$i. $hoe e2+e.$a$ion are0

The' %i#h$/ for e2a%+le/ +(nih a $o!!ler for failin# $o !o ,ha$ heai! he ,o(l! !o/ or !e%an! $ha$ a +re.hooler i$ 3(ie$l' $hro(#h

a lon# fa%il' !in6ner0 The reali$' i $ha$ -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren i%+l'

.an1$ #ra+ $he o*li6#a$ion en$aile! *' %a&in# a +ro%ie $o hol!

$he% re+oni*le for !oin# o i/ $o (e $he +hrae +referre! *'

earl'6.hil!hoo! e2+er$/ "!e-elo+%en$all' ina++ro+ria$e05 I$1

i%ilarl' (nreali$i. $o e2+e.$ .hil!ren $o $a' $ill for lon# +erio!

of $i%e0 I$1 nor%al for $he% $o fi!#e$/ $o *e lo(!/ $o for#e$ $o $(rn off a *a$$er'6o+era$e! $o'/ an! $o *e.o%e (nner-e! *' ,ha$ ee% $o

( $o *e $in' .han#e in $heir en-i6ron%en$0 We ha-e $o &ee+ o(r

e2+e.$a$ion &e'e! $o ,ha$ $he'1re .a+a*le of !oin#0

0 "ATTRIBUTE TO 8HILDREN THE BEST POSSIBLE

MOTIVE 8ONSISTENT WITH THE FA8TS05

Thi en$en.e/ fro% a($hor an! e!(.a$or Nel No!!in#/J i one of

$he ,ie$ +ie.e of a!-i.e I1-e e-er .o%e a.ro0 I$ +rin# fro% $,o

fa.$0 One7 We ((all' !on1$ &no, for (re ,h' a .hil! a.$e! $he ,a'

he !i!0 T,o7 O(r *elief a*o($ $hoe reaon .an .rea$e a elf6f(lfillin#

+ro+he.'0 If ,e a(%e $ha$ an ina++ro+ria$e a.$ion ,a %o$i-a$e! *'

a .hil!1 ini$er !eire $o .a(e $ro(*le or $o ee ho, %(.h he .an

#e$ a,a' ,i$h)or if ,e a$$ri*($e (.h *eha-ior $o hi *ein# a na$(ral

$ro(*le%a&er)he %a' *e.o%e e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e fear0 8hil!ren .on6

$r(.$ a $heor' a*o($ $heir o,n %o$i-e *ae! in +ar$ on o(r a(%+6

$ion a*o($ $heir %o$i-e/ an! $hen $he' a.$ a..or!in#l'7 "Yo( $hin& I1%

;($ +lain *a! an! nee! $o *e .on$rolle! all $he $i%e@ Fine0 Wa$.h %e

a.$ a $ho(#h 'o(1re ri#h$05

So%e$i%e in %' ,or&ho+ I in-i$e +ar$i.i+an$ $o re.all an in.i6!en$fro% $heir o,n .hil!hoo! in ,hi.h $he' !i! o%e$hin# ,ron#) or ,ere

a..(e! of !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron#0 I a& $he% $o $r' $o re%e%*er a

%an' !e$ail a +oi*le a*o($ $hi e-en$7 ,ha$ ,a ai!




or !one $o $he% *' an a!(l$ an! ,ha$ ha++ene! a a re(l$0 I1% al,a'

$r(.& *' ho, -i-i! +eo+le1 %e%orie are/ a if $hee $hin# ha! ha+6

+ene! ,ee& a#o ra$her $han !e.a!e a#o0 Thi e2er.ie of$en er-e a

a re%in!er of ,ha$ +(nih%en$ feel li&e fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,/

ho, %(.h har% i$ !oe an! ho, li$$le #oo!0 B($ I1-e alo *een $r(.& *'ho, fre3(en$l' $he $orie +eo+le $ell are a*o($ ho, a $ea.her or +aren$

!i!n1$ ha-e all $he fa.$ an! lea+e! $o $he a(%+6$ion $ha$ $he' ha! !one

o%e$hin# *a! e-en ,hen $hi ,an1$ $r(e0 I$1 a #oo! leon $o

re%e%*er/ if onl' *e.a(e ,e !on1$ ,an$ o(r &i! $o #ro, (+ an! $ell

$orie a*o($ us in ,or&ho+ one !a'0

E-en ,hen +aren$ !on1$ a' o($ lo(! $ha$ $he .hil! %($ ha-e a.$e!

a he !i! *e.a(e he1 $(+i! or !e$r(.$i-e or *a!/ i$ %a$$er if $he'

*elie-e $hi i $r(e0 I$1 no$ ;($ $he a$$ri*($ion ,e ($$er $ha$ %a$$er/ *($ $he

one ,e %a&e in o(r hea!0 Tho(#h ,e %a' ne-er +ea& an (n&in! ,or!

a*o($ o(r .hil!ren/ a(%+$ion a*o($ $heir %o$i-e in-aria*l' affe.$ $he

,a' ,e $rea$ $he%0 The %ore ne#a$i-e $hoe a(%+$ion/ $he %ore

in.line! ,e1ll *e $o .on$rol $he% (nne.earil'0

The #oo! ne, i $ha$ ,e .an .rea$e an "a(+i.io( .ir.le5 in

+la.e of $he -i.io( one0 If ,e !on1$ ha-e an' .on.re$e e-i!en.e $o

$he .on6$rar'/ ,h' no$ a(%e $here %a' *e an inno.(o(

e2+lana$ion for ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!@ Ma'*e ,ha$ loo&e! li&e a

!eli*era$e a.$ of a##reion ,a a.$(all' a..i!en$al0 Ma'*e ,ha$

a++eare! $o *e an a.$ of $hie-er' ,an1$ $ha$ a$ all0 We .an hel+

&i! $o !e-elo+ #oo! -al(e *' $rea$in# $he% a $ho(#h $he' ,ere

alrea!' %o$i-a$e! *' $hoe -al6(e0 The' $here*' .o%e $o *elie-e

,ha$1 *e$ a*o($ $he%el-e an! li-e (+ $o o(r $r($ in $he%0

The %o$ o*-io( .ae in ,hi.h i$ %a&e ene $o a$$ri*($e $he

*e$ +oi*le %o$i-e ha $o !o ,i$h i%%a$(ri$'0 Mi.hief of$en .an *e

e2+laine! *' a i%+le la.& of &ill or #(i!an.e/ an inno.en$ !eire $o

e2+lore/ an ina*ili$' $o foreee ,ha$ ha++en ,hen 'o( $a&e $ha$ $hin#

an! !o $hi $o i$0 When +aren$ holler an#r' rhe$ori.al 3(e$ion a$

$heir .hil!ren)"Wh' in $he ,orl! ,o(l! 'o( !o $ha$@ Are 'o(!ene@5)I i%a#ine $he .hil! re+l'in#/ "No/ I1% no$ !ene4 I1% three# 5

Si%ilarl'/ e-en $ho(#h 'o( %a' #ro, $ire! of +i.&in# $he +oon off




$he floor for $he (%+$een$h $i%e/ i$1 i%+or$an$ $o realie $ha$ a one6

'ear6ol! &ee+ +(hin# i$ off $he hi#h .hair ;($ *e.a(e &i! of

$ha$ a#e #e$ a &i.& o($ of !ro++in# $hin#)no$ *e.a(e he1

"$e$in# li%6i$/5 an! .er$ainl' no$ *e.a(e he1 $r'in# $o %a&eMo%%' %iera*le0 <($ *e.a(e a .hil!1 a.$ion %a' ha-e a

ne#a$i-e effe.$ on 'o( !oen1$ %ean $ha$ ,a $he .hil!1 in$en$ion0

So ho, .an ,e e$ an a(+i.io( .ir.le in$o %o$ion in$ea!@ 8on6

i!er a fi-e6'ear6ol! *o' ,ho +i.&e! (+ a lar#e ro.& an! a++eare! rea!'

$o $hro, i$0 "A $ea.her $an!in# near*' ai! .a(all'/ Len! %e $he ro.&/1

an! !e%on$ra$e!/ *' $o(.hin# $he ro.& $o $he .hil!1 hea!/ ho, $he ro.&

.o(l! hi$ a .la%a$e1 hea!0 The $ea.her $hen re$(rne! $he ro.& $o $he

.hil!/ a'in#/ 8arr' i$ .aref(ll'01 5 Af$er rela$in# $hi ane.6!o$e/ ,hi.h $oo&

+la.e in a <a+anee .hool/ 8a$herine Le,i/ a +e6.iali$ in earl'6

.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion/ re%ar& $ha$ he ,a (r+rie! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ $he

$ea.her "nei$her a&e! $he .hil! $o +($ !o,n $he ro.& nor i%+lie! $ha$ $he

.hil! in$en!e! $o $hro, i$05 In$ea!/ $he $ea.her

i%+lie! $ha$ $he +ro*le% ,a one of infor%a$ion)$ha$ $he *o'

ha!n1$ $ho(#h$ .aref(ll' a*o($ ho, $he ro.& %i#h$ h(r$ o$her0 The

$ea.her1 a.$ion alo i%+lie! $ha$ $he *o' ,a .a+a*le of elf6

.on$rol af$er all/ $he $ea.her #a-e $he ro.& *a.& $o $he *o'0 In

.on$ra$/ if $he $ea.her ha! $a&en a,a' $he ro.& or i%+oe!

+(nih%en$/ $he *o' %i#h$ ha-e inferre! $ha$ he ,a (n$r($6

,or$h' or in.a+a*le of elf6.on$rol an! he %i#h$ ,ell ha-e

fo.(e! on +(nih%en$ a $he reaon no$ $o $hro, ro.&/ ra$her

$han on $he !an#er of in;(rin# o$her0

Le,i a.&no,le!#e $ha$ "if $he *o' ,ere an aliena$e! C6'ear6ol!

,ho in!ee! in$en!e! $o h(r$ a .la%a$e/ an! $he $ea.her re$(rne! $he

ro.& $o hi%/ he %i#h$ i%+l' fi#(re $he a!(l$ ,a a fool05 Si%ilarl'/ i$

,o(l! *e ill' or !iin#en(o( $o (##e$ $o a .hil! ,ho ha -i.io(l'

&i.&e! o%eone $ha$ he +ro*a*l' !i!n1$ %ean an' har%0 Tha$1 ,h'

No!!in#1 %o$$o i $o a$$ri*($e $o .hil!ren $he *e$ +oi*le %o$i-e

consistent %ith the )acts. B($ $here are +len$' of $i%e ,hen $he fa.$




are (n&no,n $o (/ an! o(r in.lina$ion ho(l! *e $o #i-e $he .hil!

$he *enefi$ of $he !o(*$0

A#ain/ $hi a!-i.e i e+e.iall' i%+or$an$ ,i$h 'o(n# .hil!ren/

,hoe a++aren$ %i*eha-ior reall' i li&el' $o *e !(e %o$l' $o $heir

a#e 9in ,hi.h .ae o(r +oi$i-e a(%+$ion are +ro*a*l' a..(ra$e:an! ,hoe ene of $he%el-e i $ill in for%a$ion 9o o(r a(%+6

$ion/ +oi$i-e or ne#a$i-e/ affe.$ $he% %ore:0 Ho,e-er/ e-en ,i$h

ol!er .hil!ren/ o(r fir$ rea.$ion ho(l!n1$ *e $o *la%e7 "Well/ 'o( %($

ha-e !one o%e$hin# $o %a&e hi% %a!05 Ra$her/ ,e nee! $o

'%+a$hie an! $r' $o (n!er$an! ,h' o(r .hil!ren a.$e! a $he' !i!0

0 DON1T STI8K YOUR NO1S IN UNNE8ESSARILY0

The *elief $ha$ +aren$ $o!a' !on1$ a' no $o $heir .hil!ren of$en

eno(#h i a (*e$ of $he %ore #eneral .lai% $ha$ +er%ii-ene i

r(n6nin# ra%+an$/ $ha$ &i! are +oile! *e.a(e a!(l$ fail $o .on$rol

$he% eno(#h0 I1-e alrea!' !i.(e! $hi a(%+$ion/ *($ i$ %a' %a&e

ene $o a!!re $he +e.ifi. i(e of +($$in# one1 foo$ !o,n0

The reali$' i $ha$ %o$ +aren$ are .on$an$l' a'in# no0 A..or!6

in# $o !e.ri+$i-e $(!ie/ 'o(n# .hil!ren in +ar$i.(lar are +re-en$e!

fro% !oin# o%e$hin# $he' ,an$/ or %a!e $o !o o%e$hin# $he'1!

ra$her no$/ li$erall' e-er' fe, %in($e0 9If 'o( !on1$ *elie-e $hi/ $r'

&ee+in# $ra.& of ,ha$ ha++en in 'o(r ho(e o-er $he .o(re of a

!a'0: Of .o(re/ no re+oni*le +aren$ .an a-oi! all (.h

in$er-en$ion0 B($ i$1 ,or$h a&in# ,he$her ,e !o $he% $o e2.e0

When afe$' i a$ ri&/ for e2a%+le/ ,e ha-e $o in$er-ene/ no %a$6$er

ho, %(.h fr($ra$ion i$ %a' .a(e0 B($ e-en here $hin# aren1$ al,a'

.lear6.($0 8oni$en$ ,i$h $he i%+era$i-e $o &ee+ $heir a#e in %in!/ i$1

i%+or$an$ $o realie $ha$ .hil!ren *e.o%e *e$$er a*le $o an$i.i+a$e an!

a-oi! !an#er a $he' #e$ ol!er0 9Of .o(re/ $he'1re %ore li&el' $o !e-elo+

$hee &ill if $he'1re #i-en $he (++or$ $he' nee! an! $rea$e! ,i$h $r($

an! re+e.$0: Thi %ean $ha$ %an' +aren$al re$ri.6$ion *e.o%ein.reain#l' le ne.ear' an! %ore .onfinin#0 An! $hen/ of .o(re/

$here1 $he 3(e$ion of ho% ,e in$er-ene ,hen ,e feel




,e %($ !o o7 #en$l' or r(!el'@ E%+a$hi.all' or !ire+e.$f(ll'@

Wi$h or ,i$ho($ an e2+lana$ion@

E-en ,hen .hil!ren are 'o(n#/ i$1 of$en !e*a$a*le ,he$her ,ha$

$he' ,an$e! $o !o reall' ,a !an#ero(0 So%e$i%e ,e in-o&e $hei!ea of afe$' $o ;($if' a'in# no for o$her reaon0 We %a' $ell &i!

$o $o+ !oin# $hin# $ha$ are a.$(all' +re$$' har%le/ or ,e %a' a'

no a($o6%a$i.all' ,hen $he' +ro+oe o%e$hin# o($ of $he or!inar'0

We o%e6$i%e ref(e $o allo, a .hil! $o !o o%e$hin# ;($ *e.a(e

i$1 in.on-enien$ for (0 Yo(r +re.hooler ,an$ $o *e#in a h(#e .raf$

+ro;e.$/ ,hi.h 'o( &no, ,ill .rea$e a %e $oo lar#e for hi% $o .lean

(+0 Are 'o( ;($ifie! in a'in# no@ Yo(r i26'ear6ol! ,an$ 'o( $o $a&e

+ar$ in ano$her e2$en!e! role6+la'in# #a%e in ,hi.h ea.h of 'o( +re6

$en! $o *e an ani%al0 Yo( ha-e no$hin# (r#en$ $o !o a$ $ha$ %o%en$/

*($ 'o(1re $ire! of $hee #a%e an! ,o(l! +refer $ha$ he en$er$ain

her6elf0 Yo(r $en6'ear6ol! a& 'o( $o *rin# hi% a na.& ,hile he1

,a$.h6in# TV0 I $ha$ a reaona*le re3(e$/ one $ha$ allo, 'o( $o e$

an e2a%+le of ho, ,e !o ni.e $hin# for one ano$her/ or ho(l! 'o(

ini$ $ha$ he .o%e #e$ i$ hi%elf@ An! ,hile ,e1re a$ i$/ i i$ o&a' for

'o(r .hil! $o .hooe $o lee+ on $he floor@ To i$ *a.&,ar! on her

.hair !(r6in# !inner@

Thee aren1$ .ae of %ee$in# &i!1 nee!0 The'1re ,an$/ an!

$here6fore i$1 i%+oi*le $o $i+(la$e $he .orre.$ +aren$al re+one

in a!-an.e0 S$ill/ %' re.o%%en!a$ion i $o a' 'e ,hene-er

+oi*le0 Tha$ ho(l! *e $he !efa(l$ re+one/ (.h $ha$ 'o( nee!

a #oo! reaon not $o #o alon# ,i$h ,ha$1 *ein# +ro+oe!/ or $o

$e+ in an! for*i! o%e$hin#0 Of .o(re/ $hi *e# $he 3(e$ion of

,ha$ .on$i$($e a #oo! reaon/ *($ i$1 a eni*le ,a' $o fra%e $he

i(e/ +ar$i.(larl' if ,e1-e #o$$en in$o $he ha*i$ of ref(in# %o$

re3(e$0 9I1ll a' %ore la$er a*o($ ne#o6$ia$in# ol($ion $o#e$her

a an al$erna$i-e $o i%+l' #ran$in# or !en'6in# +er%iion0:

When I a' $ha$ ,e ho(l! %a&e (re ,e1re no$ a'in# no $ooof$en or (nne.earil'/ I !on1$ %ean $ha$ our .on-enien.e/ o(r ,an$/

!on1$ .o(n$/ $oo0 The' !o0 B($ $he' ho(l!n1$ .o(n$ for o %(.h $ha$

,e1re #ra$(i$o(l' re$ri.$in# o(r .hil!ren/ +rohi*i$in# $he% fro% $r'in#




$hin# o($0 When 'o( .o%e ri#h$ !o,n $o i$/ $he ,hole +ro.e of

rai6in# a &i! i +re$$' !a%ne! in.on-enien$/ +ar$i.(larl' if 'o( ,an$

$o !o i$ ,ell0 If 'o(1re (n,illin# $o #i-e (+ an' of 'o(r free $i%e/ if

'o( ,an$ 'o(r ho(e $o $a' 3(ie$ an! .lean/ 'o( %i#h$ .oni!er

raiin# $ro+i6.al fih in$ea!0So%e +aren$ ar#(e $ha$ !e+ri-a$ion i !eira*le for i$ o,n a&e7

"8hil!ren ha-e $o #e$ (e! $o fr($ra$ion $he' %i#h$ a ,ell learn $ha$

$he'1re no$ #oin# $o *e a*le $o !o e-er'$hin# $he' ,an$ $o in life05

So%e$i%e $hi ee% $o *e a ,a' for $hee +aren$ $o ra$ionalie

a'6in# no/ ,hi.h i $heir +referen.e for o$her reaon0 B($ an'one

,ho $a&e $hi .lai% erio(l' nee! onl' o*er-e ho, of$en .hil!ren

en! (+ e2+erien.in# fr($ra$ion e-en in a fa%il' ,here $he +aren$ $r'

$o a' 'e a of$en a $he' .an0 There are %ore $han eno(#h

o++or$(ni6$ie for learnin# $o !eal ,i$h li%i$/ for .onfron$in# $he fa.$

$ha$ i$1 i%+oi*le $o #e$ e-er'$hin# one ,an$0 Ki! !on1$ nee!

+aren$ $o a!! $o $hoe o..aion *' a'in# no ,hen $he' .o(l! ha-e

ai! 'e0 Bei!e/ ,ha$ *e$ +re+are .hil!ren $o !eal ,i$h $he

.hallen#e of $he "real ,orl!5 i $o e2+erien.e (..e an! ;o'0 Peo+le

!on1$ #e$ *e$$er a$ .o+in# ,i$h (nha++ine *e.a(e $he' ,ere

!eli*era$el' %a!e (nha++' ,hen $he' ,ere 'o(n#0

A+ar$ fro% ,an$in# $o le$ o(r .hil!ren feel .o%+e$en$/ en;o'

e2+lorin# $heir ,orl!/ an! $r' o($ ne, +oi*ili$ie 9e-en ,hen $he'

!on1$ ,or& o($ a +lanne!:/ $here1 alo a +ra.$i.al reaon $o li%i$ o(r

no10 I$1 -er' !iffi.(l$ $o enfor.e an en!le erie of +rohi*i$ion0 Thi

.rea$e a !ile%%a7 On $he one han!/ ,e %a' feel .o%+elle! $o *a.&

off an! ;($ le$ $he% ha-e $heir ,a' in $he en!0 The re(l$ i $ha$ ,e

,on1$ *e $a&en erio(l' ,hen ,e reall' !o ha-e $o !ra, a line0 On

$he o$her han!/ ,e %a' ref(e $o re.oni!er an! $herefore +en! an

a,f(l lo$ of o(r $i%e in a $a$e of .onfli.$/ ,hi.h i hi#hl' (n+leaan$ for

all .on.erne!0 M' a!-i.e7 Pi.& 'o(r *a$$le0

Of .o(re/ $he i(e in1$ onl' $he n(%*er of $i%e ,e a' 'e or no0

Ei$her re+one .an *e (n,ie in .er$ain .ir.(%$an.e0 <($ a one .ana.3(ire $he ha*i$ of !en'in# %o$ re3(e$ $ha$ a .hil! %a&e/ i$1 e3(all'

ea' $o en! (+ #i-in# in $o e-er' !e%an!7 "Oh/ #o ahea! an!




$a&e $he !a%n .oo&ie/ $hen05C So%e$i%e ,e a.3(ie.e o($ of

laine i$1 eaier $o le$ $he &i! ha-e ,ha$ he ,an$/ e+e.iall' if

,e feel hel+6le/ .onf(e!/ an! fr($ra$e! a*o($ ho, $o han!le

o(r .hil!ren1 !e%an!/ ,hi.h .an o%e$i%e ee% relen$le0Wha$ %a$$er %o$ i $he reaon for o(r !e.iion/ an! $he e2$en$

$o ,hi.h ,e1re ,illin# $o +ro-i!e #(i!an.e/ $o (++or$ .hil!ren1

.hoi.e/ $o *e $here ,i$h $he%)all of ,hi.h i a lo$ %ore .hallen#in#

$han ;($ a'in# 'e or no0 Wha$ I1% $al&in# a*o($ %i#h$ *e .alle!

%in!f(l .hil!6rearin#/ ,hi.h i $he o++oi$e of *ein# on a($o+aren$0 I$

re3(ire enor%o( reer-e of a$$en$ion an! +a$ien.e0 In o%e .ae/

i$ a& ( $o 3(e$ion $he ,a' ,e o(rel-e ,ere raie!0

8learl'/ ,e .an1$ a$$en! .aref(ll' $o e-er' re3(e$ an! $hin&

$hro(#h $he i%+li.a$ion of e-er' +oi*le re+one)+ar$i.(larl'

,hen ,e1re feelin# o-erloa!e!0 B($ e-en if ,e .an1$ !o i$ all $he

$i%e/ ,e ho(l! $ri-e $o !o i$ a %(.h a +oi*le0 In (%7 Don1$

a' no if 'o( !on1$ a*ol($el' ha-e $o0 An! $r' $o $hin& a*o($ $he

reaon for e-er'6$hin# 'o( a'0

C0 DON1T BE RIGID0

A foolih .oni$en.' i $he hall%ar& of ineffe.$i-e +aren$in# 9a

Ral+h Wal!o E%eron al%o$ ai!:0 Wai-e $he r(le on +e.ial o..a6

ion for#e$ a*o($ $heir *e!$i%e no, an! $hen (+en! $he +rohi*i6

$ion on ea$in# in $he li-in# roo% (n!er .er$ain .ir.(%$an.e0 Ma&e i$

.lear $o 'o(r &i! $ha$ ,ha$ 'o(1re !oin# i/ in fa.$/ an e2.e+$ion/

o%e$hin# $he' ho(l!n1$ e2+e.$ all $he $i%e/ *($ !on1$ le$ a fear of .re6

a$in# a +re.e!en$ +re-en$ 'o( fro% *ein# fle2i*le an! +on$aneo(0

The a%e .oni!era$ion a++l' $o ho, 'o( re+on! $o %i*eha-6ior0

An' #i-en a.$ion ha $o *e (n!er$oo! in a .on$e2$/ a a f(n.$ion of

+e.ifi. i$(a$ion an! .a(e0 Allo,an.e ho(l! *e %a!e for a .hil!1

ha-in# an off !a'/ or for $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ you0re feelin# le $oleran$ $hie-enin#0 Moreo-er/ &ee+ in %in! $ha$ $he .hil!ren ,ho are %o$ li&el' $o

.o%+lain a*o($ infle2i*ili$')an! $o o(n! li&e la,'er a $he'

!e+era$el' .i$e %i$i#a$in# .ir.(%$an.e)are $he &i!




,hoe +aren$ (e +(nih%en$0 8on-erel'/ i$1 a%ain# ho,

%(.h le $ree! an! !efeni-e e-er'one i/ an! ho, $here1

le +re(re $o ini$ on a (nifor% !efini$ion of ;($i.e 9"Whene-er

$hi ha++en/ $he re+one %($ *e $ha$5:/ ,hen ,e $hin& in $er%

of +ro*le% $o *e ol-e! ra$her $han infra.$ion $o *e +(nihe!0The a*en.e of +(n6ih%en$ alo free (+ +aren$ $o re+on!

!ifferen$l' $o ea.h of $heir .hil!ren ,i$ho($ $irrin# (+ an#r' .har#e

of fa-ori$i%0 E3(i$a*le $rea$%en$ for i*lin# !oen1$ al,a' %ean

e3(al $rea$%en$/ an! i$1 a he.& of a lo$ eaier $o *e fle2i*le ,hen

no one1 fo.(e! on ,hi.h +enal$' ,ill *e i%+oe!0

I a#ree ,i$h %an' o*er-er $ha$ .hil!ren #enerall' !o *e$$er

,hen $here1 o%e !e#ree of +re!i.$a*ili$' in $heir li-e0 B($ i$1

ea' $o o-er!o $hi)or/ %ore +re.iel'/ $o o-erloo& $he fa.$ $ha$

.hil!ren alo ha-e o$her nee! $ha$ %a' o-erri!e $hi one0 There1

li$$le -al(e in ha-6in# an en-iron%en$ $ha$1 +re!i.$a*l' (n+leaan$/

(.h a a fa%il' in ,hi.h &i! .an .o(n$ on *ein# o-er.on$rolle!/

or $rea$e! ,i$ho($ %(.h re+e.$/ or lo-e! onl' .on!i$ionall'0 The

+oin$ in1$ ;($ ,he$her .hil!ren &no, ,ha$ $o e2+e.$ i$1 ,he$her

,ha$ $he'1-e .o%e $o e2+e.$ %a&e ene0

La$l'/ a+ar$ fro% !ifferen.e *e$,een i$(a$ion/ or *e$,een .hil6

!ren/ $here1 $he %a$$er of !ifferen.e *e$,een +aren$0 I$1 $r(e $ha$

,hen Mo% an! Da! ha-e -er' !ifferen$ $hrehol! for ;(n& foo!/ or for

$a'in# o($ la$e/ .hil!ren 3(i.&l' fi#(re o($ ,ho% $o a& or e-en ho,

$o +la' one a#ain$ $he o$her0 B($ a#ain/ i$1 +oi*le $o o-er!o or

%ia++l' $he .oni$en.' $ha$1 o .o%%onl' .alle! for in +aren$in#

#(i!e0 We %a' refer $o i$ a "&ee+in# a (ni$e! fron$/5 *($/ a Ali.e

Miller +oin$e! o($/ i$ .an feel $o $he .hil! a $ho(#h $,o #ian$ are

(ni$e! a#ain$ hi. F(r$her%ore/ i$1 heal$h' for .hil!ren $o ee $ha$

a!(l$ o%e$i%e !ia#ree/ ,hi.h hel+ $o (n!er.ore $ha$ ,e1re

h(%an0 I$ alo allo, ( $o ho, $he% ho, +eo+le .an reol-e $heir

!ia#ree%en$ re+e.$f(ll')or/ in o%e .ae/ ho, ,e .an ;($ learn

$o $olera$e !ifferen.e0 Thee i%+or$an$ life leon are lo$ ,hen *o$h+aren$ feel .o%+elle! $o $a&e $he a%e +oi$ion on e-er' i(e in

fron$ of $he &i!/ no$ $o %en$ion $he inheren$ !ihone$' of !oin# o0




in $he .ar$ an! r(he! $hro(#h $he aile/ he ,o(l! ha-e *een

%ier6a*le 9an! .hil!ren1 %ier' reall' !oe lo-e .o%+an':0

In$ea!/ I ro(e! hi% #en$l'/ an! $hen/ e-en $ho(#h I !i!n1$ ha-e

%(.h $i%e $o +are/ I a$ 3(ie$l' ,i$h hi% ini!e $he $ore for a fe,%in($e/ +oin$6in# o($ $hin# I &ne, he1! *e in$ere$e! in/ $he i!ea

*ein# $o hel+ hi% ,a&e (+ #ra!(all'0 We %ana#e! $o #e$ $hro(#h

$he ho++in# fairl' 3(i.&l' an! ,i$ho($ an' f(0

There1 a %ore #eneral +oin$ l(r&in# *enea$h $hi ,hole !i.(ion7

Ra$her $han $r'in# $o .han#e 'o(r .hil!1 *eha-ior/ i$ ((all' %a&e %ore

ene $o al$er $he en-iron%en$0 Wha$1 $r(e of $i%e i $r(e of +a.e0 A

lo.&e! #a$e $ha$ &ee+ a $o!!ler in 'o(r 'ar! i a lo$ %ore eni*le $hanan a$$e%+$ $o rel' on fear or e-en +er(aion $o &ee+ her fro% ,an!erin#

in$o $he $ree$0 In #eneral/ !o ,ha$ 'o( .an $o hea! off +ro*le%0 If 'o(

an$i.i+a$e $ha$ 'o(r .hil! ,ill ha-e $ro(*le i$$in# $ill 9a'/ a$ a re$a(ran$:/

$hen $a&e alon# *oo&/ $o'/ or o$her !i-er6ion ra$her $han +la.in# $he

*(r!en on her $o *eha-e herelf0

Finall'/ I .an1$ rei$ +oin$in# o($ $ha$ $he +hrae "!on1$ *e in a

h(rr'5 ha ano$her %eanin#0 I$ %i#h$ *e $ho(#h$ of a a re%in!er $o lo, !o,n an! a-or 'o(r $i%e ,i$h 'o(r &i!0 When o(r fir$

.hil! ,a *orn/ ,e 3(i.&l' -o,e! $o lin# a +oo+' !ia+er a$ $he

ne2$ +er6on ,ho earne$l' infor%e! ( $ha$ "$he' #ro, (+ o fa$05

Yeah/ 'eah/ 'eah/ ,e ai!0

B($ i$1 $r(e0



J

LOVE WITHOUT

STRINGS ATTA8HED

Un.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e %a' *e !eira*le/ *($ i i$ +oi*le@Before re+on!in# $o $hi .ri$i.al 3(e$ion/ le$1 *e .lear a*o($ ,ha$,e1re a&in#0 The i(e here i no$ ,he$her +eo+le .an a..e+$

theselves ,i$ho($ .on!i$ion)$ha$ i/ ,he$her an'one ha $r(l'

(n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee%0 9See ++0 CCQCnC0: Ra$her/ ,ha$ ,e

,an$ $o &no, i ,he$her i$1 reali$i. $o $hin& $ha$ ,e .an a..e+$an! lo-e o(r .hil!ren for ,ho $he' are/ ,i$h no $rin# a$$a.he!0

Here I $hin& $he an,er i .learl' 'e0 Lo$ of +aren$ feel $ha$ ,a'0

B($ i i$ +oi*le/ on a !a'6$o6!a' *ai/ $o a.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren in (.h a

,a' $ha$ $he' ne-er !o(*$ o(r lo-e@ Kee+ in %in! $ha$ ,e ha-e $o

fr($ra$e $he% *' a'in# no o%e$i%e0 O..aionall' ,e %a' *e.o%e

i%+a$ien$ or e-en an#r' ,i$h $he%0 An! .hil!ren of$en ha-e $ro(*le

!i$in#(ihin# +eo+le1 (n!erl'in# feelin# fro% $heir +ain# %oo!0 So

.an ,e en(re $ha$ $he'1ll al,a' feel (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!@

Pro*a*l' no$0 B($ o(r o*;e.$i-e ho(l! *e $o .o%e a .loe a +o6

i*le $o $ha$ i!eal0 Af$er all/ +erfe.$ ha++ine %a' alo *e an (nrea.h6

a*le #oal i$ i/ a one ,ri$er +($ i$/ an i%a#inar' .on!i$ion $ha$1 ((all'

a$$ri*($e! $o .hil!ren *' a!(l$/ an! $o a!(l$ *' .hil!ren0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$

9an! ho(l!n1$: $o+ +eo+le fro% $r'in# $o *e ha++ier $han

L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D

$he' are0 The a%e i $r(e of &in!ne/ ,i!o%/ an! o$her

3(ali$ie $ha$ are i%+erfe.$l' realie!0



The fa.$ $ha$ o %an' +aren$ ee% $o a..e+$ $heir .hil!ren

onl' .on!i$ionall' !oen1$ %a&e $ha$ +ra.$i.e an' le !a%a#in# or

an' %ore a..e+$a*le0 An! re%e%*er/ ,e1re no$ $al&in# a*o($

+oilin# &i! or $a&in# a han!6off a++roa.h $o raiin# $he%0

Un.on!i$ional +ar6en$ +la' an a.$i-e role in $he li-e of $heir

.hil!ren/ +ro$e.$in# $he% an! hel+in# $he% learn ri#h$ fro% ,ron#0

In hor$/ $he 3(e$ion in1$ ,he$her ,e should $r' $o .o%e .loer $o

*ein# (n.on!i$ional +aren$0 Nor i $here %(.h !o(*$ a*o($

,he$her ,e can !o o0 <($ *e.a(e $here ,ill al,a' *e roo% for

i%+ro-e%en$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ ,e .an1$ !o *e$$er $han ,e1re

.(rren$l' !oin#0 We .an an! ,e ho(l!0 The 3(e6$ion i ho,0

!pproaching Unconditionality

The fir$ $e+ i i%+l' $o *e %in!f(l of $he ,hole i(e of (n.on!i6

$ional +aren$in#0 The %ore ,e1re $hin&in# alon# $hee line/ refle.$in#

on ,he$her $he $hin# ,e !o an! a' $o o(r &i! .o(l! reaona*l' *e

in$er+re$e! a .on!i$ional affe.$ion 9an!/ if o/ ,h':/ $he %ore li&el' ,e

are $o .han#e ,ha$ ,e !o0 8oni!er a +aren$ ,ho re+or$ $he fol6

lo,in#7 "We ,ere $r'in# $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ $o !o ,i$h o(r on/ ,ho

'elle! o%e$hin# na$' an! la%%e! hi !oor af$er I a&e! hi% $o $i!'

(+ hi roo%0 Sho(l! ,e #i-e hi% a fe, %in($e $o .al% !o,n@ Ho,

fir% ho(l! ,e *e@ I1! ne-er reall' $ho(#h$ a*o($ $hi *efore/ *($ no,

I1% ,on!erin# ,he$her $he $hin# ,e ,ere $hin&in# of !oin# ,ill lea-e

hi% feelin# ,e !on1$ lo-e hi% ,hen he1 an#r'05 M' +oin$ i $ha$%erel' .oni!erin# $ha$ +oi*ili$' i a %o-e in $he ri#h$ !ire.$ion/

re#ar!le of ho, $hi +aren$ finall' !e.i!e $o han!le $he i$(a$ion0

Se.on!/ ,e nee! $o #e$ in $he ha*i$ of a&in# o(rel-e a -er'

+e6.ifi. 3(e$ion7 "If $ha$ .o%%en$ I ;($ %a!e $o %' .hil! ha! *een

%a!e $o %e)or if ,ha$ I ;($ !i! ha! *een !one $o %e),o(l! " feel

(n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!@5 I$1 no$ $erri*l' .o%+li.a$e! $o +erfor% $hi




or$ of i%a#ina$i-e re-eral/ *($ $o !o o on a re#(lar *ai .an *e

no$hin# hor$ of $ranfor%a$i-e0

When $he an,er $o $ha$ 3(e$ion i .learl' no/ i$ *rin# ( (+

hor$0 We %i#h$ .on.l(!e $ha$ ,ha$ ,e ;($ !i! i o%e$hin# ,eho(l!n1$ !o a#ain0 We %i#h$ *e %o-e! $o offer an a+olo#'0 B($ if

,e !on1$ a& $hi 3(e$ion/ i$1 ea' $o .on$in(e ;($if'in# an'$hin#

,e !o0 In fa.$/ o%e +aren$/ (+on realiin# $ha$ ,ha$ $he' ai! or

!i! ha! a ne#a$i-e effe.$/ %a' e-en $ell $he%el-e $ha$ $he .hil! i

;($ *ein# $oo eni$i-e0 On.e ,e a& o(rel-e/ "Ho, ,o(l! "

ha-e fel$@5 i$1 a lo$ har!er $o le$ o(rel-e off $he hoo&0

A oon a a .hil! i *orn/ i$1 $i%e $o $hin& a*o($ o(r +aren$in#

$'le/ an! +e.ifi.all' a*o($ $he ,a' ,e rea.$ ,hen $hin# !on1$ #o

%oo$hl'0 Do ,e %a&e (re $ha$ an infan$ feel lo-e! an! a..e+$e!

e-en ,hen he ,on1$ $o+ .r'in#/ e-en ,hen he +ro%+$l' %ee

$he !ia+er ,e ;($ finihe! +($$in# on/ e-en ,hen he1 no$ a "#oo!

lee+er5@ So%e +eo+le -er' 3(i.&l' *e.o%e fair6,ea$her +aren$/

(+6+or$i-e an! a$$en$i-e onl' ,hen $heir .hil!ren are ea' $o *e ,i$h0

B($ (n.on!i$ional lo-e %a$$er %o$ ,hen $he'1re no$0

A $he' #e$ ol!er/ &i! .an $r' o(r +a$ien.e in ne, ,a'0 Nee! ,e

re-ie, $he +oi*ili$ie@ The' a' ha$ef(l $hin# o%e$i%e0 The' a.$

a*o%ina*l'0 The' !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e ;($ $ol! $he% no$ $o !o/ ,hi.h

+ar$i.(larl' inf(ria$e +aren$ ,ho/ *e.a(e of $heir o,n +'.holo#i.al

i(e/ ini$ on a*ol($e o*e!ien.e0 The' .on+i.(o(l' +refer one +ar6

en$ $o $he o$her/ ,hi.h !oen1$ feel e+e.iall' ,ar%in# ,hen 'o(1re $he

o$her0 The' fi#(re o($ ,here ,e1re %o$ -(lnera*le an! (e $ha$ $o $heir

o,n a!-an$a#e0 An! $hro(#h i$ all/ ,e no$ onl' ha-e $o &ee+ a..e+$in#

$he%/ ,e ha-e $o &ee+ le$$in# the &no, $ha$ ,e $ill a..e+$ $he%0

So%eho,/ in o$her ,or!/ ,e ha-e $o .o%%(ni.a$e $ha$ ,e lo-e

$he% e-en ,hen ,e1re no$ $hrille! ,i$h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 Ho,e-er/

$he re.o%%en!a$ion $o %a&e $ha$ !i$in.$ion i o%e$i%e $oe!

aro(n! a li$$le $oo .a(all'0 The fa.$ i $ha$ i$1 of$en har! e-en for ana!(l$/ %(.h le a .hil!/ $o %a&e ene of i$0 "We a..e+$ 'o(/ *($ no$

ho, 'o( a.$5 i +ar$i.(larl' (n+er(ai-e if -er' fe, of $he .hil!1

a.$ion fin! fa-or ,i$h (0 "Wha$ i $hi el(i-e %e1 'o( .lai% $o lo-e/5




$he .hil! %a' ,on!er/ ",hen all I hear fro% 'o( i !ia++ro-al@5 A

Tho%a Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ "Paren$ ,ho fin! (na..e+$a*le a #rea$

%an' $hin# $ha$ $heir .hil!ren !o or a' ,ill ine-i$a*l' fo$er in $hee

.hil!ren a !ee+ feelin# $ha$ $he' are (na..e+$a*le a +eron05C Tha$

!oen1$ .han#e ;($ *e.a(e $he +aren$ re%e%*er $o a' oo$hin#l'/"We lo-e you, hone' ,e ;($ ha$e al%o$ e-er'$hin# 'o( !o05

A$ a %ini%(%/ i$1 ne.ear' $o realie $ha$ -er*al rea(ran.e are

no$ free +ae $o *e +(ni$i-e or o$her,ie .on$rollin#0 "Doin# $o5

in$er-en$ion are $ill *a! ne,/ an! $he'1re $ill li&el' $o .o%%(ni.a$e

.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e/ e-en if ,e +erio!i.all' ($$er o%e %a#i. ,or!0

What to 5inii=e

So/ ,ha$ are ,e (++oe! $o !o ,hen .hil!ren a.$ in ,a' $ha$ are

!i$(r*in# or ina++ro+ria$e@ E-en ,hen ,e !ia++ro-e of ,ha$

$he'1-e !one an! ,an$ $he% $o &no, i$/ o(r rea.$ion ho(l! $a&e

a..o(n$ of $he *i# +i.$(re)+e.ifi.all'/ $he i%+era$i-e $o %a&e

(re $he' feel lo-e!/ an! lo-a*le0 The #oal i $o a-oi! .roin#

o-er in$o .on!i$ional +aren$in#0 Here1 ho,0

LIMIT THE NUMBER OF YOUR 8RITI8ISMS0

Bi$e 'o(r $on#(e an! ,allo, a lo$ of 'o(r o*;e.$ion0 For one $hin#/

fre3(en$ ne#a$i-e re+one are .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 If &i! feel ,e1re

i%+oi*le $o +leae/ $he'1ll ;($ $o+ $r'in#0 Bein# ele.$i-e a*o($ ,ha$

,e o*;e.$ $o or for*i! %a&e $he "no5 .o(n$ for %ore on $hoe o..a6ion

,hen ,e reall' !o ha-e $o a' i$ 9+0 :0 B($ $he %ain +oin$ i $ha$ $oo

%(.h .ri$i.i% an! !ia++ro-al %a' lea! a .hil! $o feel (n,or$h'0

LIMIT THE S8OPE OF EA8H 8RITI8ISM0

Fo.( on ,ha$1 ,ron# ,i$h $hi +e.ifi. a.$ion 9"Yo(r -oi.e o(n!e!

reall' (n&in! ;($ no, ,hen 'o( ,ere $al&in# $o 'o(r i$er5: ra$her



*e$$er/ $o re$ore/ re+air/ re+la.e/ .lean (+/ or a+olo#ie/ a $he

i$(a6$ion %a' !i.$a$e0

I$ %a' o(n! o*-io(/ *($ ,e o%e$i%e ee% $o for#e$ $ha$/ e-en ,hen&i! !o ro$$en $hin#/ o(r #oal ho(l! no$ *e $o %a&e $he% feel *a!/ nor $o

$a%+ a +ar$i.(lar *eha-ior o($ of e2i$en.e0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ ,e ,an$ i $o

infl(en.e $he ,a' $he' $hin& an! feel/ $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e $he &in! of

+eo+le ,ho ,o(l!n1$ %ant $o a.$ .r(ell'0 An!/ of .o(re/ o(r o$her #oal i

$o a-oi! in;(rin# o(r rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he% in $he +ro.e0

One -er' .on.re$e ,a' $o %a&e (re 'o(r in$er-en$ion !on1$ .o%6

%(ni.a$e .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e i $o $r' har! ne-er $o hol! a #r(!#e0

The e2hor$a$ion $o "*e $he +aren$45 ((all' i in$en!e! $o %ean $ha$

'o( ho(l! $a&e .on$rol/ +($ 'o(r foo$ !o,n0 B($ I (e $ha$ +hrae $o

%ean $ha$ 'o( ho(l! rie a*o-e $he $e%+$a$ion of a .hil!ih 3(i! +ro

3(o7 "Oh/ 'eah@ Well/ if 'o(1re no$ #oin# $o !o 'o(r .hore/ $hen I1%

no$ #oin# $o #i-e 'o( !eer$4 So $here45 Man' *oo& a.$(all' en.o(r6

a#e $hi or$ of +aren$al *eha-ior 9,i$ho($ $he "Oh/ 'eah@5 an! "So

$here45 of .o(re:0 On.e 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ i$1 +re$$' o*-io( ho,

(nhel+f(l $hi or$ of re+one reall' i0

I re%e%*er one !a' ,hen %' $,o6'ear6ol! on #o$ $ire! of ,ai$6

in# for hi i26'ear6ol! i$er $o finih ,i$h a $o' o he .o(l! +la' ,i$h

i$0 He a$$e%+$e! $o ,re$ i$ a,a' fro% her/ lea!in# her $o +ro$e$

an#ril'0 Af$er he ha! fen!e! hi% off an! ree$a*lihe! +oeion/

he anno(n.e!/ "No, I !on1$ ,an$ $o #i-e i$ $o hi% a$ all *e.a(e he

$rie! $o #ra* i$05 She ,a #oin# $o $ea.h hi% a leon/ an! le$ hi%

&no, $ha$ *e.a(e he !i! o%e$hin# ,ron# he ho(l! *e +(nihe! *'

ha-in# $o forfei$ hi $(rn0 The 3(e$ion i7 Do ,e ,an$ $o a.$ ,i$h o(r

.hil!ren a $ho(#h ,e/ $oo/ ,ere i2 'ear ol!@ An a,f(l lo$ of ,ha$

+ae for !i.i+line .oni$ of $i$6for6$a$ re+one $ha$ %erel' #i-e

( $he a$6ifa.$ion of #e$$in# e-en0

To *e $he +aren$ %ean 'o( ha-e .er$ain o*li#a$ion/ an! $he'1reno$ al,a' ea' $o %ee$0 M' ,ife i al,a' re%in!in# %e/ e+e.iall'

,hen 'e$ ano$her !inner ,e %a!e for o(r .hil!ren lie (nea$en/ $ha$




all ,e .an !o i +re+are n($ri$io( %eal 9$a&in# $heir +referen.e

in$o a..o(n$ ,hene-er +oi*le: an! $hen ho+e for $he *e$0 No$

onl' i $ha$ all ,e can !o i$1 ,ha$ ,e have to &ee+ !oin#/ no

%a$$er ho, %an' of $hoe %eal en! (+ in $he #ar*a#e .an0So i$ i ,i$h (n.on!i$ional lo-e0 Yo( &ee+ !oin# 'o(r *e$ $o +ro6

-i!e i$ e-en if 'o(r effor$ ee% (na++re.ia$e! an! (nre.i+ro.a$e!0

So%e$i%e &i! a.$ $o,ar! ( in a ,a' $ha$ a++ear re%ar&a*l' i%6

ilar $o lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 The' %a' +i$ o($/ "Go a,a'45 or "I !on1$ lo-e

'o(45 ,hen $he' feel *e$ra'e! or $h,ar$e!/ e-en o-er o%e$hin# $ha$

ee% $ri-ial $o (0 B($ o(r ;o* i $o re%ain .al%/ $o a-oi! a.$in# $he

a%e ,a'/ an! $o (n!er$an! $hi for ,ha$ i$ i)a +ain# e2+re6

ion of fr($ra$ion0 The' ha-en1$ reall' $o++e! lo-in# (0 Poi#nan$l'/

e-en .hil!ren ,ho are a*(e! .on$in(e $o lo-e $heir a*(er0 We

%($ ne-er for#e$ $he la.& of '%%e$r' here0 Thi i no$ a rela$ionhi+

*e$,een $,o a!(l$ of e3(al +o,er0 E-en $he li#h$e$ in!i.a$ion $ha$

'o( are ,i$hhol!in# lo-e fro% 'o(r .hil! ha a far #rea$er i%+a.$ $han

a .rea%e! "I ha$e 'o(45 ha 9or o(#h$ $o ha-e: on 'o(0

What to 5axii=e

We nee! $o !o le of ,ha$e-er %i#h$ en! a %ea#e of .on!i$ional

a..e+$an.e/ *($ ,e alo ha-e $o !o %ore of ,ha$e-er .o(l! en! a

%e6a#e of (n.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 The fir$ 3(e$ion here i o

o*-io( $ha$ %an' of ( ne-er $o+ $o $hin& a*o($ i$7 Wha$ i %' %oo!

((6all' li&e ,hen I1% ,i$h %' &i!@ Of .o(re/ $hi in1$ a .on.ern for

$he &in! of +eo+le ,hoe (nn' %ile ne-er !i% no %a$$er ,ha$ $he

.ir6.(%$an.e0 The' .an +en! all !a' in a ho(e f(ll of noi'

.hil!ren an! $ill re+on! +a$ien$l' $o ea.h re3(e$/ (nr(ffle! *' an

en!le (.6.eion of !e%an!0 B($ ,ha$ a*o($ $he re$ of (/ ,ho

re#ar! (.h .hroni.all' ha++' +aren$ ,i$h a %i2$(re of en-' an!

in.re!(li$'@ We .an1$ ;($ ,ill o(rel-e $o *e.o%e %ore .heerf(l or

+a$ien$ +eo+le0 B($ ,e .an/ an! ,e ho(l!/ in-e$ $he effor$ $o *e a

+oi$i-e a +oi*le ,i$h o(r &i!0




Ra$her $han eein# !ifferen.e in $e%+era%en$ or $alen$ a

fi2e!) o%e +eo+le are *orn $hi ,a' ,hile o$her are ;($

na$(rall' $ha$ ,a')I $hin& i$1 %ore hel+f(l $o $hin& in $er% of ho,

%(.h effor$ ea.h of ( ha $o e2+en! $o #e$ $o $he a%e +la.e0 M'

*ro$her6in6la,1 +a$ial ene allo, hi% $o fin! hi ,a' aro(n!+la.e he1 ne-er *een *efore/ ,i$ho($ e-en +a'in# a$$en$ion0 I/ on

$he o$her han!/ ha-e $o ,or& reall' har! $o #e$ %' *earin#0 So

$ha$1 e2a.$l' ,ha$ I !o ,hen I1% in an (nfa%iliar e$$in#0

The a%e %a' *e $r(e of e%o$ional $a$e7 Paren$ ,ho aren1$ na$6

(rall' (+*ea$ an! for#i-in# ha-e an o*li#a$ion $o $r' $o *e %ore $ha$ ,a'/

a$ lea$ aro(n! $heir .hil!ren0 The re(l$ of $heir effor$ .an hel+ $o

!e$er%ine ,he$her/ an! ho,/ $hoe .hil!ren feel lo-e!0 If o(r &i! &no,

$ha$ ,e1re #la! $o ee $he%/ $ha$1 a $ar$ $o,ar! .o%%(ni.a$6in#

o%e$hin# li&e (n.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 If/ on $he o$her han!/ $he' of$en

ene a ne#a$i-e ;(!#%en$ fro% ()a o(r %oo! 9,hi.h $he' %a'

in.orre.$l' a(%e i $heir fa(l$: an e'e6rollin#/ !ee+6i#hin# irri$a$ion)

,ell/ $ha$ .an feel -er' unli&e (n.on!i$ional lo-e0

The %ore +rein# 3(e$ion/ of .o(re/ i ho, ,e .an

.o%%(ni6.a$e o(r lo-e af$er &i! &ee+ a.$in# (+ e-en ,hen ,e

$hin& $he' o(#h$ $o &no, *e$$er0 9We1-e .er$ainl' $ol! $he% eno(#h

$i%e4: Here i$1 .o%%on $o a(%e $ha$ $he'1re "$e$in# li%i$05

Thi i a -er' +o+(6lar +hrae in $he !i.i+line fiel! an! i$1 of$en

(e! a a ;($ifi.a$ion for +aren$ $o i%+oe %ore/ or $i#h$er/ li%i$0

So%e$i%e $he a(%+$ion $ha$ &i! are $e$in# ( e-en *e.o%e

a ra$ionalia$ion for +(nihin# $he%0 B($ %' (+i.ion i $ha$/ *'

%i*eha-in#/ .hil!ren %a' *e $e$6in# o%e$hin# ele en$irel')

na%el'/ $he (n.on!i$ionali$' of o(r lo-e0 Perha+ $he'1re a.$in# in

(na..e+$a*le ,a' $o ee if ,e1ll $o+ a..e+$6in# $he%0

O(r re+one ha $o *e a $(**orn ref(al $o $a&e $he *ai$0 We %($

rea(re $he%7 "No %a$$er ,ha$ 'o( !o/ no %a$$er ho, fr($ra$e! I #e$/ I

,ill ne-er/ ne-er/ ne-er $o+ lo-in# 'o(05 I$ !oen1$ h(r$ $o a' $ha$ in o

%an' ,or!/ *($ ,e ha-e $o a' i$ $hro(#h o(r a.$ion/ $oo0 Un.on!i$ional+aren$ offer rea(ran.e on a re#(lar *ai/ an! +ar6$i.(larl' !(rin#

+erio! of .onfli.$/ a*o($ ho, %(.h $heir .hil!ren




%a$$er $o $he%0 When a .hil! a.$ in ,a' $ha$ are le $han !eira*le/

(.h +aren$ %a' +oin$ o($ $ha$ $hi *eha-ior i $e%+orar' an! o($ of

.hara.$er i$ !oen1$ reall' refle.$ $he .hil! $he' &no, an! lo-e0

9No$i.e/ *' $he ,a'/ $ha$ a re%in!er $o e%+haie $he (n.on!i$ional6i$'of o(r affe.$ion i -er' !ifferen$ fro% $he %ore .on-en$ional a!-i.e $o

al$erna$e .ri$i.i% ,i$h +raie0 Poi$i-e ;(!#%en$ !on1$ .an.el o($

ne#a$i-e ;(!#%en$/ *e.a(e $he +ro*le% i ,i$h ;(!#%en$ i$elf0

More a*o($ $hi in a %o%en$0:

Thee re.o%%en!a$ion)li&e $he ,hole i!ea of (n.on!i$ional

a..e+$an.e)are rele-an$ $o e!(.a$or/ $oo0 Maril'n Wa$on/ an e!(6

.a$ional +'.holo#i$ ,ho hel+ $ea.her $ranfor% $heir .laroo%

in$o .arin# .o%%(ni$ie/ e%+haie ho, i%+or$an$ i$ i for $(!en$

$o feel $r($e! an! a..e+$e!0 A $ea.her .an %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ .er$ain

a.$ion are ,ron# ,hile $ill +ro-i!in# "a -er' !ee+ &in! of rea(r6

an.e)$he rea(ran.e $ha$ he $ill .are=> a*o($ $he% an! =i> no$

#oin# $o +(nih or !eer$ $he%/ e-en =if $he' !o> o%e$hin# -er' *a!05

Thi +o$(re allo, "$heir *e$ %o$i-e $o (rfa.e/5 $h( #i-in# "+a.e

an! (++or$ for $he% $o refle.$ an! $o a($ono%o(l' en#a#e in $he

%oral a.$ of re$i$($ion5)$ha$ i/ $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o %a&e $hin# ri#h$

af$er !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron#0 "If ,e ,an$ o(r $(!en$ $o $r($ $ha$ ,e

.are for $he%/5 he .on.l(!e/ "$hen ,e nee! $o !i+la' o(r affe.$ion

,i$ho($ !e%an!in# $ha$ $he' *eha-e or +erfor% in .er$ain ,a' in

re$(rn0 I$1 no$ $ha$ ,e !on1$ ,an$ an! e2+e.$ .er$ain *eha-6ior ,e

!o0 B($ o(r .on.ern or affe.$ion !oe no$ !e+en! on i$05

Wa$on +oin$ o($ $ha$ i$1 eaier $o %ain$ain $hi $an.e/ e-en

,i$h &i! ,ho are fre3(en$l' in(l$in# or a##rei-e/ *' &ee+in# in

%in! %hy $he'1re a.$in# $ha$ ,a'0 The i!ea i for $he $ea.her $o

$hin& a*o($ ,ha$ $hee $(!en$ nee! 9e%o$ionall' +ea&in#: an!

+ro*a*l' ha-en1$ re.ei-e!0 Tha$ ,a'/ he .an ee "$he -(lnera*le

.hil! *ehin! $he *o$h6ero%e or %ena.in# e2$erior05 E!(.a$or/

li&e +aren$/ %a' .o%e $o -ie, +ro-o.a$ion a a ,a' for $ha$ .hil!$o $e$ $he a!(l$ $o ee ,he$her hi or her .are ,ill *e ,i$h!ra,n0

One $ea.her !eal$ ,i$h a +ar$i.(larl' .hallen#in# $(!en$ *' i$$in#

!o,n ,i$h hi% an! a'in#/ "Yo( &no, ,ha$=@> I reall'/ reall' li&e 'o(0




Yo( .an &ee+ !oin# all $hi $(ff an! i$1 no$ #oin# $o .han#e %' %in!0

I$ ee% $o %e $ha$ 'o( are $r'in# $o #e$ %e $o !ili&e 'o(/ *($ i$1 no$

#oin# $o ,or&0 I1% no$ e-er #oin# $o !o $ha$05 Thi $ea.her a!!e!7 "I$

,a oon af$er $ha$/ an! I1% no$ a'in# i%%e!ia$el'/ $ha$ hi !ir(+6$i-e *eha-ior $ar$e! $o !e.reae05 The %oral i $ha$ (n.on!i$ional

a..e+$an.e i no$ onl' o%e$hin# all .hil!ren !eer-e/ *($ alo a +o,6

erf(ll' effe.$i-e ,a' $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e ni.er +eo+le0 9Of .o(re/ i$1

i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e1re in.ere ,hen ,e a(re .hil!ren $ha$ ,e lo-e

$he% no %a$$er ,ha$0 There1 no$hin# ,ore $han $he hollo, re.i$al of

a line learne! fro% a *oo&0:

Beyond Threats

I$1 no$ al,a' ea' $o $o+ !oin# $he $hin# $ha$ (*$l'/ an! of$en

(nin$en$ionall'/ #i-e .hil!ren $he i!ea $ha$ $he' ha-e $o earn o(r

a++ro-al0 Ironi.all'/ $ho(#h/ o%e +aren$ fin! i$ har!er $o #i-e (+

$he +ra.$i.e $ha$ are %ore hea-'6han!e!/ $hoe $ha$ .oni$ of (in# $heir lo-e a le-era#e $o %a&e &i! o*e'0 A relian.e on

+(nih%en$ 9in.l(!6in# $i%e6o($ an! o$her for% of lo-e

,i$h!ra,al: an! re,ar! 9in.l(!6in# +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$: %a&e

i$ %(.h le li&el' $ha$ .hil!ren ,ill feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall'0

Ye$/ for all $he reaon o($line! in .ha+$er / i$ .an *e a,f(ll' har!

$o &i.& $hee ha*i$0 Li&e for%er %o&er ,ho %($ .on$an$l' re$rain

$he%el-e fro% li#h$in# (+ a#ain/ ,e1re al,a' (.e+$i*le $o $he +(ll

of .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! $he a++aren$ .on-enien.e of *ri*e an!

$hrea$0 E-en $he -ario( +re%ie of *eha-iori% $ha$ (n!erlie $hee

$e.hni3(e .an *e e!(.$i-e0 No, an! $hen I $ill fin! %'elf ,on6

!erin# ,he$her %' .hil!ren ,ill -ie, e2+reion of (n.on!i$ional lo-e

a a re,ar! for $heir %i*eha-ior0

I &no, *e$$er/ of .o(re0 A I1-e alrea!' in!i.a$e!/ %' o,n e2+eri6

en.e ha .onfir%e! ,ha$ I1! learne! fro% ,a$.hin# e2e%+lar' +aren$7

Punishents and re%ards are never advisable and never necessary.

Before .on.e!in# $hi/ ho,e-er/ %an' +eo+le are in.line! $o a&/




"Wha$1 $he al$erna$i-e@5 S(.h a 3(e$ion i %ore .o%+li.a$e! $han i$

ee% *e.a(e $here in1$ one +ar$i.(lar +ra.$i.e $ha$ er-e a a

re+la.e6%en$ for +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!0 Wha$ I1% +ro+oin# i $he

.rea$ion of an en$irel' !ifferen$ !'na%i. *e$,een +aren$ an! .hil!0 The"al$er6na$i-e/5 in o$her ,or!/ !oen1$ .oni$ of a +e.ifi. $e.hni3(e i$

.on6i$ of e-er'$hin# !i.(e! in $he la$$er half of $hi *oo&0

Man' !i.i+line #(i!e/ a 'o( %a' ha-e no$i.e!/ offer (##e$ion

for ho, $o a!%ini$er +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! %ore effe.$i-el'/ $he #oal

*ein# $o %a&e .hil!ren *a.& !o,n an! #i-e in0 I ,a $hin&in# a*o($ $ha$

$he o$her !a' in $he (+er%ar&e$ ,hen I hear! a %o$her #ro,l a$ her

.hil!/ "If 'o( e-er ,an$ $o .o%e $o $he $ore a#ain/ cal do%n# 5 9Nee!le

$o a'/ her o,n $one ,a an'$hin# *($ .al%0: I$ o..(rre! $o %e $ha$ $he

$'+i.al !i.i+line e2+er$ ,o(l! +oin$ o($/ ,i$h o%e ;($ifi.a$ion/ $ha$ $hi

$hrea$ ,a ill'0 For one $hin#/ $he +ro+e.$ of no$ *ein# !ra##e! $o $he

#ro.er' $ore a#ain i no$ e2a.$l' horrif'in# $o %o$ &i!0 An! e-en if i$

,ere/ $here1 -ir$(all' no .han.e $ha$ $he %o$her ,o(l! follo, $hro(#h an!

*an $he .hil! fro% $he $ore fore-er0 Par$i.(larl' ,i$h &i! $oo 'o(n# $o *e

lef$ ho%e alone/ o%e$i%e 'o( ha-e $o $a&e $he% alon# ,he$her 'o(

,an$ $o or no$0 Hen.e $he ,or! fro% $he e2+er$7 Ma&e onl' $hoe $hrea$

'o(1ll a.$(all' .arr' o($0

B($ $ellin# +aren$ $hi i ra$her li&e ,arnin# .hil!ren $ha$ $he'

ho(l!n1$ anno(n.e $he'1re #oin# $o *ea$ (+ a .la%a$e af$er

.hool (nle $he'1re .onfi!en$ $he'1ll .o%e o($ on $o+0 The fo.(/

in o$her ,or!/ i on #e$$in# *e$$er a$ !oin# o%e$hin# %orall'

o*;e.$iona*le 9an! .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e: ra$her $han on 3(e$ionin#

,he$her i$ ho(l! *e !one a$ all0 Un.on!i$ional +aren$ ,an$ $o

&no, ho, $o !o o%e6$hin# other $han $hrea$en an! +(nih0 The'

!on1$ ee $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir .hil!ren a a!-erarial/ o

$heir #oal i $o avoid *a$$le/ no$ ,in $he%0 The (e of +(nih%en$

%a&e i$ %(.h har!er $o a.hie-e $hi #oal/ an! *ein# $ol! ho, $o

+(nih %ore effe.$i-el' %a&e i$ har!er $o (n!er$an! $ha$0

8oni!er $he $'+e of +(nih%en$ $ha$ 3(alif' a lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 To

i#nore a .hil! ,hen he !oe o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ $o #i-e hi% $he

ilen$ $rea$%en$/ i $o e%+lo' a &in! of $e%+orar' e%o$ional a*an!on6




%en$0 I$1 a if ,e1re o*li$era$in# $he .hil!1 -er' e2i$en.e for a lon# a

he !i+leae (0 Thi a(%e/ in $he ((al *eha-iori$ fahion/ $ha$ o(r

a$$en$ion i ;($ a "reinfor.er5 an! i$ a*en.e ,ill %a&e a .hil! $o+

,ha$e-er he1 !oin#0 Thi i an in.re!i*l' i%+li$i. anal'i of ,h' &i!

a.$ $he ,a' $he' !o/ an! i$ fail $o a!!re $he (n!erl'in# nee! $ha$ arein-ol-e!/ $o a' no$hin# of $he effe.$ on o(r rela$ionhi+0

The la$e +'.holo#i$ Her*er$ Lo-e$$ on.e o*er-e! $ha$ if ,e

i#nore .hil!ren ,hen $he' %i*eha-e/ ,ha$ ,e1re a'in# $o $he% i7

"We !on1$ &no, ,h' 'o( !o $hi an! ,e !on1$ .are05 To ;($if' (.h a

re+one *' ini$in# $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho a.$ o($ are ;($ !oin# i$ "for $he

a$$en$ion/5 Lo-e$$ a!!e!/ ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ ",an$in# $o *e no$i.e!

=i> a %'$erio( or $(+i! nee!05 I$1 a $ho(#h o%eone ri!i.(le! 'o(

for #oin# o($ $o !inner ,i$h 'o(r frien!/ e2+lainin# $ha$ 'o( !o $hi

;($ *e.a(e of 'o(r "nee! for .o%+anionhi+05

There are $i%e/ $o *e (re/ ,hen a .hil! %a' re+ea$ a !e%an! o-er

an! o-er0 Yo( e2+lain ,h' he .an1$ ha-e a *ro,nie ri#h$ *efore !in6ner

'o( %ile '%+a$he$i.all' an! a#ree $ha$ i$1 har! $o rei$ o%e6$hin# o

'(%%'0 She a& a#ain/ an! a#ain 'o( e2+lain $he reaon for a'in# no0

Wi$h $he (%+$een$h anno(n.e%en$ of $he ne, $ha$ he reall'/ reall'

,an$ a *ro,nie ri#h$ no,/ 'o( .an feel 'o(r +a$ien.e e**in#0 Yo( +oin$

o($ .al%l' $ha$ a&in# ano$her $i%e in1$ #oin# $o ,or&/ an! 'o( (##e$

an in$ere$in# a.$i-i$' $ha$ ,ill o..(+' her (n$il !inner0 B($ if $here i $ill

no en! in i#h$ $o *ro,nie6rela$e! re3(e$/ I $hin& i$1 a++ro+ria$e $o $o+

re+on!in#0 The reaon/ ho,e-er/ i no$ $o ilen.e $he .hil! 9or

"e2$in#(ih $he *eha-ior/5 in $he o(lle lan6#(a#e of *eha-iori$:0

Ra$her/ 'o(1-e $o++e! an,erin# i%+l' *e.a(e $here1 no$ %(.h %ore

for 'o( $o a'0 An! 'o( !o i$ a lo-6in#l' a 'o( .an/ #i-en $ha$ 'o(1re

*(' an! fe! (+0 Yo( !on1$ +re$en! he in1$ $here 'o( %a&e i$ .lear $ha$

'o( hear/ 'o( no$i.e/ 'o( .are0 The .hil! %a' $ill feel fr($ra$e!/ *($

i!eall' he ,on1$ feel (nlo-e!0

Or $a&e $he o$her +o+(lar for% of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ $he one .alle! $i%e6

o($0 The +oin$ in1$ $o fine6$(ne i$ or !o i$ %ore .le-erl' $he 3(e6$ion in1$ho, lon# $o iola$e $he .hil!/ or ,here/ or for ,ha$ offene0 Ra$her/ $he

i(e i ,ha$ non+(ni$i-e $ra$e#ie ,e .an (e in$ea!0 A




I %en$ione! earlier/ i$ .an *e -er' hel+f(l $o offer a .hil! $he choice

of re$rea$in# $o a .o%for$a*le an! .o%for$in# +la.e ,hen he1

#oin# *erer&0 Thi o+$ion ho(l! *e !i.(e! in a!-an.e/ in +ar$

$o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $he .hil! i no$ *ein# in.ar.era$e! or iola$e!a#ain$ hi ,ill0 He1 ;($ !e.i!in# $o $a&e a *rea$h in a 3(ie$ roo%/

%a'*e -en$ a li$$le ,i$ho($ fear of re+er.(ion/ %a'*e +en! a

fe, %in($e ,i$h a fa-ori$e *oo&0 A$ a $i%e of .rii/ $he +aren$ .an

#en$l' a& hi% if he nee! $o !o $hi0 B($ e-en $hi (##e$ion

+ro*a*l' ho(l! *e o(r e.on! $e+/ $he fir$ ha-in# *een $o a&

,ha$1 #oin# on/ $o re%in! hi% $ha$ ,ha$ he !oe ha an i%+a.$ on

o$her +eo+le/ $o e2+lain ,h' o%e ,a' of a.$in# ;($ aren1$a..e+$a*le/ $o +ro*le%6ol-e $o#e$her/ an! o on0

An! ,ha$ if .ir.(%$an.e %a&e (.h a !i.(ion i%+oi*le a$ $he

%o%en$@ Or ,ha$ if he1 in (.h an a#i$a$e! $a$e $ha$ he i%+l' .an1$ *e

allo,e! $o $a' ,here he i/ *($ he ref(e 'o(r in-i$a$ion $o $a&e o%e

$i%e *' hi%elf@ In $ha$ .ae/ $he la$ reor$ i $o #en$l' re%o-e hi% fro%

$he i$(a$ion an! $he +la.e ,here $he +ro*le% i ha++enin#) but not

)ro you. 9"Le$1 #o n(##le in $he !en05: S(.h an in$er-en6$ion %a'

a%o(n$ $o i%+oin# 'o(r ,ill on hi%/ %a&in# hi% !o o%e$hin# he1!

ra$her no$ !o0 Tha$1 ,h' 'o( ho(l! a-oi! $hi e2.e+$ in e2$raor!inar'

.ae0 B($ e-en here 'o( $a&e .are $o !o i$ in (.h a ,a' $ha$ 'o(r lo-e/

'o(r a$$en$ion/ 'o(r +reen.e are no$ ,i$hhel!0

I ho(l! alo +oin$ o($ $ha$ $here1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h $he parent0s

$a&in# a $i%e6o($0 When ,e1-e r(n o($ of +a$ien.e/ ,hen ,e fear $ha$ ,e

%a' !o or a' o%e$hin# $ha$ ,e1ll re#re$/ i$ %a&e ene $o e2.(e

o(rel-e an! #o .ool off0 Of .o(re/ ,e ha-e $o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $hi i

*e.a(e %e nee! $o .al% !o,n/ no$ *e.a(e ,e1re +(llin# a,a' fro% $he

.hil! or re3(irin# her $o earn her ,a' *a.& in$o o(r #oo! #ra.e0

Beyond Bribes

Wha$ a*o($ $he o$her -erion of .on!i$ional +aren$in#/ ,hi.h .oni$

of #i-in# .hil!ren ,ha$ $he' nee! 9or i%+l' en;o': onl' ,hen $he'1-e




o*e'e! or +leae! (@ The al$erna$i-e i $o #i-e $he% $hin# for no

rea6on a$ all/ no, an! $hen $o offer a +e.ial $rea$ or #if$)$he .han.e

$o !o o%e$hin# f(n/ a *oo& or $o' of +e.ial in$ere$)i%+l' *e.a(e

'o( lo-e $he%0 In fa.$/ i$1 ra$her !i.on.er$in# $o realie ho, unlov-

ing i$ .an *e $o #i-e &i! $hin# a a re,ar! for !oin# ,ha$ ,e ,an$e!0We .an %a&e onl' o %an' $hin# .on!i$ional on a .hil!1 *eha-ior

*efore o(r lo-e i$elf .o%e $o *e een a .on!i$ional0

Of .o(re/ +reen$ are o%e$i%e offere! for reaon $ha$ are

le $han i!eal0 So%e +aren$/ for e2a%+le/ *(' $hin# for $heir

&i! *e.a(e $he' feel #(il$' a*o($ no$ +en!in# eno(#h $i%e ,i$h

$he%0 An! #if$6#i-in# .an *e o-er!one0 We !on1$ ,an$ $o ho,er

.hil!ren ,i$h $(ff/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $heir roo% are alrea!'

.ra%%e! nearl' $o $he +oin$ of *(r$in#0

B($ %' +oin$ here i $ha$ ,hen ,e !o #i-e $he% $hin#/ $here ho(l!

*e no $rin# a$$a.he!0 Preen$ ho(l! ne-er *e offere! a an in.en$i-e

for *eha-in# ,ell/ #e$$in# #oo! #ra!e/ or !oin# an'$hin# ele0 On.e I

*o(#h$ $i.&e$ for a lo.al .hil!ren1 $hea$er +ro!(.$ion of The Wi=ard o)

<=, ,hi.h %' !a(#h$er ,a ,il! a*o($0 The !a' *efore $he ho,/ he

$hre, a $e%+er $an$r(% a*o($ o%e$hin# an! I ha! $o fi#h$ !o,n $he

i%+(le $o $hrea$en her ,i$h no$ #oin# $o ee $he +la' (nle her *eha-ior

i%+ro-e!0 I re%in!e! %'elf $ha$ *' #i-in# in $o (.h a $e%+6$a$ion/ I

,o(l! *e (in# $he o($in# a an in$r(%en$ of .on$rol ra$her $han a an

e2+reion of lo-e0 We .an1$ ha-e i$ *o$h ,a'0

While i$ %a' *e +oi*le $o +oil &i! ,i$h $oo %an' $hin#/ i$

in1$ +oi*le $o +oil $he% ,i$h $oo %(.h 9(n.on!i$ional: lo-e0 A

one ,ri$er +($ i$/ $he +ro*le% ,i$h .hil!ren ,ho% ,e ,o(l!

!e.ri*e a +oile! i $ha$ $he' "#e$ $oo %(.h of ,ha$ $he' ,an$

an! $oo li$$le of ,ha$ $he' nee!05 Therefore/ #i-e $he% affe.$ion

9,hi.h $he' nee!: ,i$ho($ li%i$/ ,i$ho($ reer-a$ion/ an! ,i$ho($

e2.(e0 Pa' a %(.h a$$en$ion $o $he% a 'o( .an/ re#ar!le of

%oo! or .ir.(%$an.e0 Le$ $he% &no, 'o(1re !eli#h$e! $o *e ,i$h

$he%/ $ha$ 'o( .are a*o($ $he% no %a$$er ,ha$ ha++en0 Thi*ai. +o$(re/ a I1-e no$e!/ i .o%6+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% +raie/

,hi.h i !ole! o($ a a re+one $o o%e6$hin# a .hil! !oe0




Thi !oen1$ %ean $ha$ $he feelin# o(r .hil!ren e-o&e in (

%($ re%ain +erfe.$l' $ea!' an! (nifor%0 Ho, .o(l! $he'@ Ki!

!eli#h$ ( an! enra#e ( an! +er+le2 (0 The' *rin# $ear $o o(r

e'e ;($ *e.a(e $he'1re o a!ora*le or -(lnera*le or (!!enl' o#ro,n6(+0 The' alo %a&e ( .r' *e.a(e $he'1re o inf(ria$in#0

We %a' e-en fin! o(rel-e e2+erien.in# $,o .on$ra!i.$or'

e%o$ion a*o($ $he% a$ $he a%e $i%e0 An! %(.h of ,ha$ ,e feel

,ill lea& o($ of o(r fa.e an! o(r -oi.e0 We ,on1$ al,a' *e

+leae!/ an! $he'1ll &no, i$0 Tha$1 ,h' i$1 o i%+or$an$ for ( $o

$ri-e $o .o%%(ni.a$e in %an' !ifferen$ ,a' $ha$ our basic

acceptance o) the is a given, a ro.&6oli! .ore *enea$h ,ha$e-er ,e ha++en $o *e feelin#/ an! $he' ha+6+en $o *e !oin#/ $o!a'0

Li&e,ie/ I1% no$ a'in# 'o( .an1$ *e +ro(! of a +ar$i.(lar

a..o%6+lih%en$0 S$ran#el'/ $ho(#h/ (n.on!i$ional +aren$ are ;($

a +ro(! e-en ,hen $heir .hil! !oen1$ (..ee!0 Thi i a +ara!o2

I ha! $ro(6*le (n!er$an!in# *efore I ha! .hil!ren of %' o,n/ an!

,hi.h I $ill fin! !iffi.(l$ $o e2+lain0 Yo( .an $a&e +e.ial !eli#h$

,hen 'o(r .hil! !oe o%e$hin# re%ar&a*le/ *($/ a#ain/ no$ in a

,a' $ha$ (##e$ 'o(r lo-e hin#e on (.h e-en$0 If 'o( $ri&e

$ha$ *alan.e .orre.$l'/ .hil6!ren are le li&el' $o #ro, (+ feelin#

$he'1re ,or$h,hile onl' ,hen $he' (..ee!0 The'1ll *e a*le $o fail

,i$ho($ .on.l(!in# $ha$ $he' $he%6el-e are fail(re0

The %o$ !e$r(.$i-e for% of +raie i $he &in! e2+li.i$l' in$en!e!

$o reinfor.e ,ha$ $he .hil! i !oin#0 When ,e1re a!-ie! $o ".a$.h

.hil6!ren *ein# #oo!5 9rea!7 o*e!ien$: an! $hen #i-e $he% a -er*al

!o##ie *i.(i$/ $hi i a .al.(la$e! a$$e%+$ $o %ani+(la$e $he% ,i$h

.on!i6$ional lo-e0 B($ ,ha$ if +raie i ;($ a +on$aneo( rea.$ion

of !eli#h$ $o o%e$hin# o(r .hil!ren ha-e !one/ ,i$h no a$$e%+$ $o

"reinfor.e5 a .er$ain *eha-ior@

J

Thi i (n!enia*l' a *i# i%+ro-e%en$ ,i$h re+e.$ $o o(r %o$i-e0

B($ on.e a#ain/ ,ha$ %a$$er in1$ $he %ea#e 'o( en$)or e-en $he

reaon 'o( en$ i$0 Wha$ %a$$er i $he %ea#e $he .hil! re.ei-e!0




Wha$1 %o$ $ri&in# a*o($ a +oi$i-e ;(!#%en$ i no$ $ha$ i$1 +oi6$i-e0

9If $ha$ ,ere $he .ae/ $he onl' real al$erna$i-e $o +raie ,o(l! *e

.ri$i.i%0: No/ ,ha$1 %o$ $ri&in# i $ha$ i$1 a ;(!#%en$0 Wh' !o ,e

feel $he nee! $o &ee+ e-al(a$in# o(r .hil!ren1 a.$ion/ $(rnin# $he%

in$o ";o*5 $ha$ %a'/ if $he'1re l(.&'/ *e !ee%e! "#oo!5@ Fro% $hi+er+e.$i-e/ i$ *e.o%e .lear $ha$ ,ha$ ,e reall' o(#h$ $o *e loo&in#

for i a ,a' of *ein# +oi$i-e $ha$ in1$ .o(.he! a a ;(!#%en$0

The ha++' ne, i $ha$ i$1 no$ ne.ear' $o e-al(a$e &i! in or!er

$o en.o(ra#e $he%0 The +o+(lari$' of +raie re$ +ar$l' on $he fail(re

$o !i$in#(ih *e$,een $hoe $,o i!ea0 <($ +a'in# a$$en$ion $o ,ha$

&i! are !oin# an! ho,in# in$ere$ in $heir a.$i-i$ie i a for% of

en.o(ra#e%en$0 In fa.$/ i$1 %ore i%+or$an$ $han ,ha$ ,e a' i%%e6

!ia$el' af$er &i! !o o%e$hin# %ar-elo(0 When unconditional love

and genuine enthusias are al%ays present, 6*ood ;ob#8 isn0t neces-

sary1 %hen they0re absent, 6*ood ;ob#8 %on0t help.

B($ in .ae 'o(1re $ill ,on!erin# ,ha$ $o a'/ $here are e-eral

+o6i*ili$ie .oni$en$ ,i$h (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#0 9Pleae ee $he

.har$ on +0 for e2a%+le0: One o+$ion i $o a' no$hin# a$ all0

So%e +eo6+le ini$ ,e %($ +raie .hil!ren ,hen $he' !o o%e$hin#

hel+f(l *e.a(e/ e.re$l' or (n.on.io(l'/ $hee +eo+le *elie-e $ha$

$he a.$ion ,a a fl(&e0 If .hil!ren are *ai.all' *a!/ $hen $he' ha-e $o

*e #i-en an ar$ifi.ial reaon $o *e ni.e 9na%el'/ $o #e$ a -er*al

re,ar!: o$her6,ie i$ ,ill ne-er ha++en a#ain0 B($ if $ha$ .'ni.al

a(%+$ion i (nfo(n!e!/ $hen +raie ,o(l! no$ *e ne.ear'0

A$ fir$/ i$ .an feel ,eir! $o hol! *a.& ,hen 'o(1re (e! $o offer6

in# $hee .on$an$ e-al(a$ion0 9"Goo! !ra,in#45 "Goo! !rin&in#45

"Goo! !roolin#45: I$ %a' ee% a $ho(#h 'o(1re *ein# (n(++or$6

i-e0 B($ fro% o*er-in# %an' +aren$/ in.l(!in# %'elf/ I1-e

*e.o%e .on-in.e! $ha$ +raie i le a f(n.$ion of ,ha$ &i! nee!

$o hear $han of ,ha$ ,e nee! $o a'0 An! ,hene-er $ha$1 $r(e/ i$1

$i%e for ( $o re$hin& ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#0

On $hoe o..aion ,hen ,e feel i$ ,o(l! *e a++ro+ria$e $o a'o%e$hin#/ ,e .an i%+l' +oin$ o($ ,ha$ ,e1-e een an! allo, $he

.hil! $o !e.i!e ho, $o feel a*o($ i$ 9ra$her $han $ellin# her ho,:0 A




i%+le/ e-al(a$ion6free $a$e%en$ le$ a .hil! &no, $ha$ 'o( no$i.e!0 I$

alo le$ her $a&e +ri!e in ,ha$ he !i!0 When/ in her e.on! 'ear/ %'

!a(#h$er finall' %a!e i$ (+ $he $air (n!er her o,n $ea%/ I ,a

$hrille!/ of .o(re/ *($ I !i!n1$ feel $he nee! $o (*;e.$ her $o %' ;(!#6%en$0 I ;($ ai!/ "Yo( !i! i$5 o he ,o(l! &no, $ha$ I a, an! I

.are!/ *($ alo o he .o(l! feel +ro(! of herelf0

A$ o$her $i%e/ a %ore ela*ora$e !e.ri+$ion %a' %a&e ene/ *($

e-en $hi nee! no$ *e .on$a%ina$e! ,i$h e-al(a$ion0 Yo( .an i%+l'

+ro-i!e fee!*a.& a*o($ ,ha$ 'o( o*er-e!0 If a .hil! !oe o%e$hin#

.arin# or #enero(/ 'o( %i#h$ #en$l' !ra, hi a$$en$ion $o $he effe.$ of

hi a.$ion on the other person. Thi i .o%+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% +raie/

,here $he e%+hai i on ho, you feel a*o($ hi harin#0

Finall'/ e-en *e$$er $han !e.ri+$ion are 3(e$ion0 Wh' $ell hi%

,ha$ 'o( $ho(#h$ of ,ha$ he !i! ,hen 'o( .an a& hi% ,ha$ he

$hin&@ Tha$1 li&el' $o +ro%o$e (ef(l refle.$ion a*o($ ,h' i$ %a' *e

*e$$er $o a.$ one ,a' $han ano$her0 (e$ion 'o( a& a*o($ o%e6

$hin# he ,ro$e or !re, or %a!e/ %ean,hile/ in-i$e hi% $o .oni!er

,ha$ he (..ee!e! in !oin# an! ho, he !i! i$0 Thi .an +(r f(r$her

i%+ro-e%en$ an! no(rih hi in$ere$ in $he $a& i$elf0 The reear.h/

re%e%*er/ (##e$ $ha$ +raie %a' ha-e e2a.$l' $he o++oi$e effe.$/

!ire.$in# hi a$$en$ion a,a' fro% $he $a& an! $o,ar! 'o(r rea.$ion0

Re.en$l'/ I fo(n! %'elf a$ a .raf$ a.$i-i$' +onore! *' a lo.al

li*rar' in ,hi.h .hil!ren ,ere in-i$e! $o .rea$e no,fla&e o($ of +i+e

.leaner an! *ea!0 A *o' of a*o($ fo(r or fi-e i$$in# near %e

ho,e! hi %o$her ,ha$ he ha! !one/ an! i%%e!ia$el' he #(he!

a*o($ ho, ,on!erf(l i$ ,a0 Then/ in.e I ,a $he onl' o$her a!(l$ a$

$he $a*le/ he hel! hi no,fla&e o($ o I/ $oo/ .o(l! ee i$ .learl'0

In$ea! of offer6in# an e-al(a$ion/ I a&e! hi% ,he$her he li&e! i$0 "No$

o %(.h/5 he a!%i$$e!0 I a&e! ,h'/ an! he *e#an $o e2+lain/ hi $one

(##e$in# #en(ine in$ere$ in fi#(rin# o($ o$her +oi*le ,a' he

%i#h$ ha-e (e! $he %a$erial0 Thi i e2a.$l' $he or$ of ela*ora$ionan! refle.$ion $ha$ are $ifle! ,hen ,e la$her o(r &i! ,i$h +raie0

The' $en! $o $o+ $hin&in# an! $al&in# a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one a

oon a ,e +a ;(!#6%en$ on i$0




"7&TE!D <4 &!2"7* . . . T2 . . .

"I li&e $he ,a' 'o( 0 0 05 saying nothing 9an! ;($ +a'in# a$$en$ion:

"Goo! !ra,in#4 I lo-e $hoe descriing! rather than evaluating!

+i.$(re45 what you see" "He'/ $here1 o%e$hin#

ne, on $he fee$ of $hoe +eo+le 'o( ;($

!re,0 The'1-e #o$ $oe05

"Yo(1re (.h a #rea$ hel+er45 e#$laining the effects of the child%s

action on other $eo$le" "Yo( e$ $he

$a*le4 Bo'/ $ha$ %a&e $hin# a lo$ eaier

on %e ,hile I1% .oo&in#05

"Tha$ ,a a #rea$ ea' 'o( inviting reflection" "Ho, !i! 'o( .o%e

,ro$e05 (+ ,i$h $ha$ ,a' of #ra**in# $he rea!er1

a$$en$ion ri#h$ a$ $he *e#innin#@5

"Goo! harin#/ Mi.hael05 as&ing! rather than 'udging" "Wha$ %a!e

'o( !e.i!e $o #i-e o%e of 'o(r *ro,nie

$o Deir!re ,hen 'o( !i!n1$ ha-e $o@5

All of $he (##e$e! re+one in $hi .har$ a-oi! #i-in# a %ea#e of

.on!i$ional a++ro-al/ a +a$roniin# +a$ on $he hea! for ha-in# li-e! (+

$o your $an!ar! an! %e$ your e2+e.$a$ion0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ $he'

!o offer $he a.&no,le!#%en$/ en.o(ra#e%en$/ an! a$$en$ion &i!

nee!0 9Sa'in# no$hin# !oen1$/ in i$elf/ a..o%+lih $hee #oal/ of

.o(re/ *($ i!eall' ,e1re +ro-i!in# $hoe $hin# all $he $i%e0:

Here1 a $ra$e#' a*o($ ,hi.h I ha-e %i2e! feelin#7 If o(r #oal i

+e.ifi.all' $o hel+ .hil!ren *e.o%e #enero( +eo+le/ one reear.her

+ro6+oe $ha$ ,e a$$ri*($e #enero( in.lina$ion $o $he%0 Ho, ,e $hin&

of o(rel-e affe.$ ho, ,e a.$/ o $he i!ea i $o .on-in.e &i! $ha$ $heir

%o$i-e alrea!' are #enero(0 We ,an$ $he% $o ee $he%el-e a .ar6

in# in!i-i!(al ra$her $han a +eo+le ,ho !o ni.e $hin# onl' ,hen $he'1ll

#e$ o%e$hin# o($ of i$0 One $(!' ho,e! $ha$ af$er .hil!ren i%i6$a$e! ana!(l$ ,ho ha! a.$e! #enero(l'/ $hoe ,ho ,ere infor%e! $ha$ $he' ha!

!one o "*e.a(e 'o(1re $he &in! of +eron ,ho li&e $o hel+




o$her +eo+le5 ,ere %ore #enero( la$er on $han ,ere .hil!ren ,ho

,ere $ol! $he' ha! !ona$e! *e.a(e $he' ,ere e2+e.$e! $o !o o0

While $hi $ra$e#' i (n!o(*$e!l' %ore effe.$i-e $han %ere +oi6

$i-e reinfor.e%en$/ I1% no$ (re i$1 an' le %ani+(la$i-e0 We1re no$re+on!in# a($hen$i.all' an! +on$aneo(l' $o ,ha$ a .hil! ha !one

,e1re !eli*era$el' a'in# o%e$hin# 9,hi.h %a' or %a' no$ *e $r(e: $o

+ro!(.e a !eire! effe.$0 S$ill/ $he #eneral +rin.i+le here ee% ,or$h

$a&in# erio(l'7 Ra$her $han (in# +raie/ ,hi.h fo.(e on +e.ifi.

*eha-ior)an! %a' lea! .hil!ren $o feel $ha$ $he' are lo-e! onl'

(n!er .er$ain .on!i$ion),e nee! $o hel+ $he% $hin& a*o($ $he ,a'

$he' are an! $he ,a' $he' ,an$ $o *e0

I1% of$en a&e! ,he$her all of $hi %ean $ha$ ,e1re no$ (++oe!

$o #i-e .o%+li%en$ or a' $han& 'o(0 M' re+one i $ha$ i$

!e+en! on $hree $hin#7 ,h' ,e1re a'in# i$/ $o ,ho% ,e1re

a'in# i$/ an! ,ha$ $he effe.$ are of a'in# i$0

(hy" I (.h a .o%%en$ in$en!e! %o$l' $o *e ni.e/ $o %a&e

o%eone feel #oo! 9"Wha$ a .($e hir$45 "I reall' a++re.ia$e 'o(r

.o%in# $o -ii$5:@ Or i i$ ;($ a !ifferen$ ,a' of offerin# .on$in#en$

reinfor.e%en$ in or!er $o .on$rol o%eone1 f($(re *eha-ior@ If $he

la$$er/ $hen re.a$in# +raie a an e2+reion of #ra$i$(!e !oen1$

reall' .han#e -er' %(.h0

To whom" I1% %(.h le .on.erne! a*o($ $han&6'o( an! e-en

.o%%en$ $ha$ o(n! -er' %(.h li&e +raie ,hen $he' +a *e$,een

$,o a!(l$ of e3(al $a$(/ e+e.iall' if nei$her i e+e.iall' !e+en!6

en$ on $he o$her for lo-e an! a..e+$an.e0 If I $han& %' nei#h*or for

loanin# %e her .ar or $ell a fello, a($hor ho, %(.h I en;o'e! hi

*oo&/ I1% no$ $r'in# $o %ani+(la$e $hee in!i-i!(al/ an! I1! *e (nli&el'

$o (..ee! e-en if $ha$ ,ere %' #oal0 Nor i $here an' .on6.ern $ha$

$he (n.on!i$ionali$' of %' lo-e for $he% ,ill *e .o%+ro6%ie! *e.a(e,e !on1$ ha-e $ha$ &in! of rela$ionhi+ $o *e#in ,i$h0 We nee! $o *e a

lo$ %ore .aref(l ,i$h ,ha$ ,e a' 9an! ho,/ an! ,h': ,hen ,e1re

$al&in# $o o(r .hil!ren0




(hat effects" There are lo$ of #ra' area in $he .ae of +raie/

%an' e2a%+le ,here i$1 no$ a*ol($el' .lear ,he$her a #i-en .o%6

%en$ i li&el' $o *e in;(rio( or inno.(o(0 M' *e$ a!-i.e here i $o

,a$.h for $he i%+a.$ i$ ha0 If 'o(1re in $he ha*i$ of a'in# o%e$hin#

$o 'o(r .hil!ren $ha$ .o(l! *e .on$r(e! a +raie/ ee if $he' $henloo& $o 'o( for)an! ee% $o nee!)(.h .o%%en$ on a re#(lar

*ai0 Tr' $o fi#(re o($ ,he$her $heir in$rini. %o$i-a$ion 9$heir .o%6

%i$%en$ $o an a.$ion or $heir in$ere$ in a #i-en a.$i-i$': ee% $o ha-e

leene! a a re(l$ of $hee &in! of $a$e%en$ fro% 'o(0

In hor$/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ ,e $o+ a'in# +oi$i-e $hin# $o

o(r .hil!ren0 B($ I a% a'in# $ha$ ,e ho(l! loo& a$ $he (n!erl'in#

i#nifi.an.e of ,ha$ ,e a'/ an! ho, i$1 hear!/ ra$her $han ;($ $r'6in#

$o (e or a-oi! +e.ifi. ,or!0 If .hil!ren +er.ei-e $ha$ ,e1re i%6+l'

;oinin# ,i$h $he% $o .ele*ra$e $heir a..o%+lih%en$/ $ha$1 fine0 B($ if

$he' +er.ei-e $ha$ ,e1re i%+oin# o(r e-al(a$ion on $he%/ $hi .an

eail' .ro,! o($ $heir o,n in$in.$ a*o($ ,hen an! ,h' $o feel +ro(!

of $he%el-e0 Pre$$' oon $he' %a' .o%e $o !efine $he -al(e of ,ha$

$he' !o in $er% of ,he$her i$ eli.i$ o(r a++ro-al)or/ la$er/ $he

a++ro-al of o$her +eo+le in a($hori$'0

I$1 no$ ea' $o %o-e a,a' fro% $hi &in! of .on!i$ional +aren$6in#0

In$ea! of a$$e%+$in# $o 3(i$ .ol! $(r&e'/ 'o( %i#h$ allo, 'o(r6elf a

$rani$ional +erio! !(rin# ,hi.h 'o( .on$in(e $o offer e-al(a$ion *($

also offer !e.ri+$ion an! 3(e$ion0 A 'o( *e.o%e %ore

a..($o%e! $o +ro-i!in# $hee ne, re+one/ 'o( %a' e-en$(6all'

fin! 'o(relf a*le $o *rea& $he ha*i$ of $ar$in# ,i$h a ;(!#%en$0

A$ $he a%e $i%e/ i$ %a&e ene $o !i.( ,ha$ 'o(1re !oin#/

an! ,h'/ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren0 If $he'1-e *een le! $o e2+e.$ a "Goo! ;o*45

for .er$ain $hin# $he' !o/ $he' ,ill +ro*a*l' fin! i$ ;arrin# $o ha-e $he

+raie (++l' (!!enl' .($ off0 The' %a' *e in.line! $o -ie, $he

a*en.e of a +oi$i-e ;(!#%en$ a $an$a%o(n$ $o a ne#a$i-e one0

Ma&e i$ .lear/ $herefore/ $ha$ 'o(1re no$ +ro+oin# $o *e le +oi$i-e/

*($ $o *e unconditionally +oi$i-e)$o offer a++ro-al an! affe.$ionfreel' ra$her $han in re+one $o +e.ifi. *eha-ior of $heir $ha$ 'o(

!ee% ,or$h'0 9Then +ro.ee! $o !o ;($ $ha$0:



,he$her $heir a..o%+lih%en$ are o i%+or$an$ $o ( *e.a(e of

ho, $he' refle.$ on (0 E-en +aren$ ,ho rea!il' a#ree ,i$h $he

$a$e%en$ "I ;($ ,an$ %' .hil! $o *e ha++'5 o%e$i%e #i-e a -er'

!ifferen$ i%+reion *' $heir *eha-ior0

Mo$ of ( are fa%iliar ,i$h +eo+le ,ho are 9or ,ere: (..ef(l in$he .on-en$ional ene of $ha$ ,or! *($ ,ho lea! fran&l' %iera*le

li-e0 We %a' alo &no, +eo+le ,ho (e! $o #i-e $he i%+reion $ha$

$he'1! ne-er a%o(n$ $o an'$hin#/ *($ !i!0 Plen$' of *rillian$ an!

a..o%+lihe! a!(l$ ,ere %e!io.re $(!en$/ ,hile +len$' of riin#

$ar en! (+ *(rnin# o($0 One reear.her/ af$er +en!in# %ore $han

fif$een 'ear follo,in# $he .areer of hi#h .hool -ale!i.$orian/ .on6

.l(!e! $ha$ %o$ of $he% i%+l' "&no, ho, $o !o .hool0 The' are no$

$he #ro(+ $o loo& for/ for .rea$i-e *rea&$hro(#h 0 0 0 or for *e.o%6in#

no$a*le lea!er in a +ar$i.(lar area05 An! e-en if $he' !o *e.o%e

no$a*le lea!er/ $he' %a' reen$ $he +aren$ ,ho ee%e! $o +a'

a$$en6$ion $o $he% onl' ,hen $he' %a!e #oo!0

In hor$/ .re!en$ial6ha++' +eo+le aren1$ al,a' ha++'0 O(r o*li6

#a$ion i $o ,arn o(r .hil!ren a*o($ $he i%+li.a$ion of *e.o%in#

a!!i.$e! $o A1 an! !ollar an! $ro+hie/ no$ $o er-e a ena*ler of

$hoe a!!i.$ion0 We nee! $o &ee+ $he%)an! o(rel-e)fo.(e! on

$he $hin# $ha$ reall' %a$$er0 Tha$ %ean $ren#$henin# o(r rela$ion6

hi+ ,i$h $he%/ %a&in# i$ .lear $ha$ o(r lo-e i a*ol($el' (nrela$e! $o

ho, ,ell $he' +erfor%0 I$ %ean re.oni!erin# ho, ,e re+on! $o $he

$ho(an! $in' $ri(%+h an! e$*a.& $ha$ fill a .hil!hoo!0

T,o .on.l(ion e%er#e7 Fir$/ i$1 ,hen .hil!ren fall hor$ an! feel

in.o%+e$en$ $ha$ $he' %o$ nee! o(r lo-e)no$ o(r !ia++oin$%en$0

Se.on!/ $he !an#er are ;($ a #rea$ if/ ,hen $he' do (..ee!/ ,e

la-6ih +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ on $he% in (.h a ,a' a $o (##e$

$ha$ o(r lo-e i *ae! on ,ha$ $he'1-e !one/ no$ on ,ho $he' are)

an! $ha$ $he'1! *e$$er &ee+ (+ $he #oo! ,or& 0 0 0 or ele0

To ,ha$e-er e2$en$ i$ re%ain i%+or$an$ $o ( $o hel+ o(r .hil!ren

e2.el/ i$1 (ef(l $o re%e%*er $ha$ $he +eo+le ,ho are %o$ $ho(#h$6f(lan! .rea$i-e $en! $o *e $hoe ,ho #e$ a &i.& o($ of ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 A

a r(le/ i$1 in$ere$ $ha$ !ri-e e2.ellen.e)an! *' $ha$ I %ean




in$ere$ in $he $a& i$elf/ no$ in$ere$ in *ein# (..ef(l or in !oin#

*e$$er $han o$her0

A .oni!era*le *o!' of e-i!en.e (##e$ $ha$ ,hen .hil!ren are

le! $o *e.o%e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h ho% %ell $he'1re !oin#/ $he' of$en$a&e le +lea(re fro% %hat $he'1re !oin#0 Tha$1 a a! re(l$ in i$

o,n ri#h$/ an! of$en $he .a(e of .oni!era*le $re/ *($ i$ alo ha

$he +ara!o2i.al effe.$ of hol!in# $he% *a.& fro% !oin# $he *e$ $he'

.an0 When $(!en$ are le! $o fre$ a*o($ $he 3(ali$' of $heir +erfor%6

an.e 9"Ho, #oo! i $hi +ro;e.$@ Ha-e I %e$ $hee $an!ar!@ Ho,

%(.h i%+ro-e%en$ ha-e I ho,n@5:/ $hen learnin# $en! $o *e.o%e a

.hore ra$her $han an o..aion for e2.i$e%en$0 No, i$1 no$ $(ff $he'

,an$ $o fi#(re o($ i$1 $(ff $he' ha-e $o #e$ *e$$er a$0

In +la.e of +re(re/ $herefore/ ,e ho(l! offer (++or$7 #en$le

#(i!6an.e/ en.o(ra#e%en$/ $r($ in .hil!ren1 #ro,in# .o%+e$en.e/

an! hel+ ,hen i$ ee% ne.ear'0 In +la.e of .o%+e$i$i-e

a.$i-i$ie/ ,e ho(l! offer o++or$(ni$ie $o ha-e f(n an! learn in

,a' $ha$ !on1$ re3(ire ha-in# $o !efea$ o%eone ele0

In +la.e of an e2.ei-e fo.( on .hool a.hie-e%en$/ ,e ho(l!

$a&e a li-el' in$ere$ in ,ha$ $he .hil! i learnin#0 "So/ ,ha$1 your

o+inion a*o($ ho, !inoa(r *e.a%e e2$in.$@5 i a 3(e$ion $ha$ (+6

+or$ in$elle.$(al #ro,$h0 "Ho, .o%e onl' a B6%in( on $ha$ +a+er@5 i

no$0 If a .hil! ha ,ri$$en an ea'/ i$ %a&e ene $o fo.( no$ on

,he$her i$1 #oo! eno(#h *($ on i$ .on$en$ 9an! on $he +ro.e of

.raf$in# i$:0 A +aren$ %i#h$ a&7 "Ho, !i! 'o( .o%e $o .hooe ,ha$ $o

,ri$e a*o($@ Wha$ !i! 'o( learn fro% 'o(r reear.h@ Wh' !i! 'o(

a-e $ha$ i%+or$an$ +oin$ for $he en!@ Di! 'o(r o+inion a*o($ $he $o+i.

.han#e a$ all af$er 'o( $ar$e! $o ,ri$e@5

A#ain/ $he %o$ effe.$i-e 9an! lea$ !e$r(.$i-e: ,a' $o hel+ a .hil!

(..ee!),he$her he1 ,ri$in# or &iin#/ +la'in# a $r(%+e$ or a .o%6

+($er #a%e)i $o !o e-er'$hin# +oi*le $o hel+ her fall in lo-e ,i$h ,ha$

he1 !oin#/ $o +a' le a$$en$ion $o ho, (..ef(l he ,a 9or i li&el'$o *e: an! ho, %ore in$ere$ in $he $a&0 Tha$1 ;($ ano$her ,a' of

a'in# $ha$ ,e nee! $o en.o(ra#e %ore/ ;(!#e le/ an! lo-e al,a'0




Teachers and Parents Together

While o%e e2.e+$ional $ea.her 9(.h a $he one 3(o$e! on ++0 JQ:

+ro-i!e $(!en$ ,i$h $he (n.on!i$ional (++or$ $he' nee!/ $he a! reali$'i $ha$ %an' .laroo% are no$ e$ (+ $o !o o)or/ for $ha$ %a$6$er/ $o

honor $he +rin.i+le !e.ri*e! in $he +re.e!in# .ha+$er0 S.hool

en-iron%en$ are of$en !i$in#(ihe! *' an arra' of +(nih%en$ an!

re,ar!/ ,i$h ela*ora$e *eha-ior6%ana#e%en$ '$e%/ "re.o#ni$ion5 for

$hoe ,ho are o*e!ien$/ an! an.$ion for $hoe ,ho aren1$0 8hil6!ren

aren1$ hel+e! $o *e.o%e .arin# %e%*er of a .o%%(ni$'/ or e$hi6.al

!e.iion6%a&er/ or .ri$i.al $hin&er/ o %(.h a $he'1re i%+l' $raine! $ofollo, !ire.$ion0 In $he ,or$6.ae .enario/ $he en.o(ra#e6%en$ of

learnin# $a&e a *a.& ea$ $o $he enfor.e%en$ of or!er0 Thee are

en-iron%en$ $ha$ aren1$ heal$h' for .hil!ren an! o$her li-in# $hin#0

I of$en hear fro% +aren$ ,ho e2+lain $ha$ $he'1re $r(##lin# $o

.rea$e ",or&in# ,i$h5 ho%e)onl' $o realie a$ o%e +oin$ $ha$

$he'1re en!in# off $heir .hil!ren e-er' %ornin# $o "!oin# $o5 .hool0

9Of .o(re/ I alo hear fro% fr($ra$e! $ea.her ,ho !e.ri*e a %irror6

i%a#e i$(a$ion7 "We hol! !e%o.ra$i. .la %ee$in# $o ol-e +ro*6

le% $o#e$her)an! $hen $he &i! #o ho%e $o *e %ani+(la$e! ,i$h $ar

.har$ an! $i%e6o($45: O*-io(l'/ $hin# ,or& *e$ ,hen +aren$ and

$ea.her are hel+in# &i! $o *e.o%e #oo! +eo+le)an!/ *e$$er 'e$/

,hen $he'1re a.$i-el' (++or$in# one ano$her1 effor$0

The fir$ $e+ for +aren$7 Be a,are of ,ha$1 ha++enin# a$ 'o(r

.hil!1 .hool0

• I i$ a +la.e ,hoe +ri%ar' a#en!a i $o %ee$ .hil!ren1

nee! or $o #e$ .o%+lian.e@

• Are $ro(*leo%e *eha-ior een a +ro*le% $o *e ol-e!

or a infra.$ion $o *e +(nihe!@

• Do $he $ea.her -ie, $heir ;o* a hel+in# &i! learn $o

%a&e #oo! !e.iion)or !o $he' ini$ on %a&in# al%o$ all



of $he !e.iion $he%el-e@




• Are $(!en$ en.o(ra#e! $o .olla*ora$e ,i$h one ano$her/ or

are %o$ ai#n%en$ in$en!e! $o *e .o%+le$e! alone 9or

e-en in .o%+e$i$ion ,i$h $heir +eer:@

• If you a$$en!e! $hi .hool or a$ in $hi .laroo%/ ,o(l! 'o(

feel (n.on!i$ionall' a..e+$e!@ Wo(l! 'o( ,an$ $o *e $here@

If 'o( !on1$ li&e ,ha$ 'o( ee an! hear/ 'o(1ll nee! all $he &ill of

!i+lo%a.' 'o( .an %($er $o in-i$e 'o(r .hil!1 $ea.her $o re$hin&

o%e of hi or her +ra.$i.e0 Thi %i#h$ *e a..o%+lihe! *' raiin#

$he 3(e$ion of lon#6$er% #oal0 Af$er all/ e!(.a$or $'+i.all' en!ore

$he a%e or$ of #oal $ha$ +aren$ !o $he' ,an$ $heir $(!en$ $o *e

re+oni*le/ .arin#/ %oral/ .(rio(/ lifelon# learner/ an! o on0 Yo(

%i#h$ fo.( on $he o*;e.$i-e for .hil!ren $ha$ 'o( hare ,i$h $he

$ea.her/ an! $hen #en$l' raie $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $here %a' *e *e$$er

,a' of a.hie-in# $hoe o*;e.$i-e $han $ra!i$ional !i.i+line +ra.$i.e/

,hi.h rarel' hel+ &i! $o *e.o%e re+oni*le !e.iion6%a&er0

Yo( ho(l! *e +re+are! $o in$ro!(.e 'o(r .hil!ren1 $ea.her $o ar$i6

.le/ *oo&/ an! -i!eo $ha$ offer #(i!an.e in .rea$in# ",or&in# ,i$h5

.laroo%0C Do o%e reear.h o $ha$ 'o( .an $al& a*o($ ho, o%e

of $he $ea.her1 .ollea#(e ha-e %a!e +ro#re in .rea$in# (.h

+la.e0 Thi .an *e !one ei$her *' (##e$in# .laroo% $o -ii$ 9an!

$ea.h6er $o $al& $o: or *' re.o%%en!in# ,ri$$en %a$erial $ha$

hi#hli#h$ (.6.e $orie fro% real .hool0 I$ .an *e rea(rin# for

*o$h 'o( an! $he $ea.her $o realie $ha$ .hool !on1$ ha-e $o *e

"!oin# $o5 +la.e0 In!ee!/ $here are .hool all o-er $he .o(n$r' $ha$

ha-e ho,n ho, $o .rea$e a re+e.$f(l an! a++ealin# en-iron%en$ for

learnin# in $he a*en.e of .arro$6an!6$i.& .on$rol0

Ho,e-er/ if a $ea.her i (nre.e+$i-e $o fee!*a.& an! a!-i.e/ no %a$6

$er ho, re+e.$f(ll' i$1 offere!/ $hen 'o(1ll nee! $o !e.i!e ,he$her $he

i$(a$ion i o !i$(r*in# $ha$ i$1 ,or$h $he ri& in-ol-e! $o $a&e a.$ion0

Alo/ ho, li&el' i i$ $ha$ 'o(r effor$ ,ill (..ee!@ I $he +ro*le% %o$l'.onfine! $o a +e.ifi. .laroo%@ If o/ +erha+ 'o( .an ha-e 'o(r .hil!

%o-e! $o ano$her one0 The $ra$e#' 'o( .hooe %a' !e+en! on ,he$her

$he +rin.i+al)or/ +erha+/ an a!%ini$ra$or in $he .hool




!i$ri.$1 .en$ral offi.e)i '%+a$he$i. $o 'o(r +oin$ of -ie, or a$ lea$

o+en $o +er(aion0 Yo( %a' ,an$ $o fin! e-eral o$her +aren$ ,ho

hare 'o(r .on.ern $he %ore +eo+le ,ho o*;e.$ $o a +ra.$i.e or +ol6

i.'/ $he le li&el' i$ i $ha$ $he .o%+lain$ ,ill ;($ *e !i%ie!0While all $hi i #oin# on/ an! e+e.iall' if 'o( !e.i!e $ha$ $he i$6

(a$ion i (nli&el' $o .han#e an'$i%e oon/ i$1 -i$al $o !o e-er'$hin#

'o( .an $o +ro$e.$ 'o(r .hil!0 Here1 $he $i#h$ro+e 'o( %($ ,al&7 On

$he one han!/ 'o( !on1$ ,an$ $o en.o(ra#e 'o(r .hil! $o i#nore/ or a.$

!ire+e.$f(ll' $o,ar!/ $he $ea.her)e-en $ho(#h $he $ea.her %a' *e

a.$in# !ire+e.$f(ll' $o,ar! .hil!ren0 On $he o$her han!/ 'o( !on1$

,an$ $o en!ore a.$ion $ha$ 'o( *elie-e are in!efeni*le/ or .a(e'o(r .hil! $o feel a $ho(#h a!(l$ al,a' $i.& (+ for one ano$her

9an! (ni$e a#ain$ &i!: e-en ,i$ho($ #oo! reaon0 Yo(r +ri%ar' o*li6

#a$ion i $o !o ri#h$ *' 'o(r .hil!0

Wha$ 'o( a'/ an! ho, 'o( a' i$/ ,ill na$(rall' *e infl(en.e! *'

'o(r .hil!1 a#e a ,ell a *' ,he$her 'o( -ie, ,ha$1 ha++enin# a$

.hool a %erel' le $han i!eal or a a*ol($el' e#re#io(0 Thin& of

'o(r #oal a #i-in# 'o(r .hil! a &in! of ino.(la$ion/ +ro-i!in# hi% ,i$h

$he (n.on!i$ional lo-e/ re+e.$/ $r($/ an! ene of +er+e.$i-e $ha$

,ill er-e $o i%%(nie hi% a#ain$ $he %o$ !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of an

o-er.on$rollin# en-iron%en$ or an (nreaona*le a($hori$' fi#(re0 He

ho(l! *e en.o(ra#e! $o refle.$ on ,h' o%e a!(l$ feel $he nee! $o

(e +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ ,ha$ $he' .o(l! ha-e !one in$ea!/

an! ,he$her hi o,n a.$ion/ $oo/ .o(l! ha-e *een !ifferen$0 A$ *e$/

$hi no$ onl' hel+ $o *(ffer $he ne#a$i-e i%+a.$ of !(*io( !i.i+line

+oli.ie *($ offer a .han.e for 'o(r .hil! $o learn0

Re%e%*er $ha$ &i! alo learn fro% ,a$.hin# ho, ,e re+on! $o

.hallen#e7 ,he$her ,e1-e $a&en $heir .on.ern erio(l' 9a o++oe!

$o a($o%a$i.all' i!in# ,i$h $he $ea.her: an! ,he$her ,e in-ol-e $he

.hil! in .o%in# (+ ,i$h ol($ion 9a o++oe! $o $r'in# $o !eal ,i$h $he

+ro*le% (nila$erall':0 Alo/ .hil!ren ,ill no$i.e $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e

.on-e' re+e.$ for $he $ea.her e-en ,hile e2+rein# !ia#ree%en$

,i$h o%e of her a.$ion/ an! ho, ,illin# ,e are $o (n!er$an! an!

a.&no,le!#e $he $ea.her1 or +rin.i+al1 +er+e.$i-e on $hee i(e0




Be.a(e 'o(r .hil! i ,a$.hin#/ *e.a(e i$1 $he ri#h$ $hin# $o

!o/ an! *e.a(e i$1 %ore li&el' $o *e effe.$i-e/ 'o( ho(l! *e .lear

,i$h $he $ea.her $ha$ 'o( !on1$ ,an$ an a!-erarial rela$ionhi+0

Yo(r #oal i $o ,or& $o#e$her/ $o $a&e e-er'one1 nee! in$oa..o(n$)no$ ;($ 'o(r .hil!1/ *($ $hoe of all $he .hil!ren an! alo

$he a!(l$0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ 'o( .an re%ain fir% a*o($ $he

(na..e+$a*ili$' of .oer.in# .hil!ren ,i$h *ri*e an! $hrea$0

The re(l$ %a' .on$in(e $o *e $ha$ 'o(r .hil! i $rea$e! one ,a' a$

ho%e an! ano$her ,a' a$ .hool0 Here/ $he fo.( i on reaon an!

-al(e $here/ on *eha-ior0 Here/ he1 le! $o .oni!er $he .one3(en.e

of hi a.$ion $o o$her $here/ $he .one3(en.e $o hi%elf0 Here/ he1

en.o(ra#e! $o $hin& $here/ $o !o ,ha$ he1 $ol!0 Here/ he1 a++re.i6a$e!

for ,ho he i $here/ onl' for ,ha$ he !oe0 In.oni$en.' .an *e

.onf(in# for a .hil! i$1 ne-er i!eal0 B($ i$1 *e$$er $han ha-in# ho%e an!

.hool ,or& in +erfe.$ har%on' $o !o *a! $hin# $o .hil!ren0




li%i$ $o ho, %(.h .on$rol an! ,ha$ &in! +len$' of $hin# ha-e $o

*e !e.i!e! for $he%/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $he'1re 'o(n#0 B($ $ha$

!oen1$ ne#a$e $he *ai. +rin.i+le0 I *elie-e o(r !efa(l$ +oi$ion

o(#h$ $o *e $o le$ &i! %a&e !e.iion a*o($ %a$$er $ha$ .on.ern$he% e2.e+$ ,hen $here i a .o%+ellin# reaon for ( $o o-erri!e

$ha$ ri#h$0 We ho(l! *e +re+are! $o ;($if' ,h'/ in ea.h .ae/ &i!

shouldn0t *e allo,e! $o .hooe0

All of ( ha-e a *ai. nee! $o *e "ori#in5 in o(r li-e ra$her $han

"+a,n/5 a one reear.her +($ i$0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $o e2+erien.e a ene

of a($ono%'/ a feelin# $ha$ ,e are $he ini$ia$or of %(.h of ,ha$ ,e

!o0 In fa.$/ $he +ar$i.(lar .hoi.e ,e %a&e are of$en le i#nifi.an$

$han $he a.$ of .hooin# i$elf0 I *riefl' for#o$ $hi one e-enin# ,hen

%' on/ $hen $hree6an!6a6half/ a&e! %e for a $i.&er *oo&0 I fo(n! a

.olle.$ion of $he% in $he .loe$/ ele.$e! one ,i$h a $r(.& $he%e $ha$ I

$ho(#h$ he ,o(l! en;o'/ an! han!e! i$ $o hi%0 "No/5 he ini$e!0 " "

,an$ $o +i.&05 I +($ *a.& $he *oo& I ha! .hoen an! #a-e hi% $he

,hole +ile0 G(e ,hi.h one he en!e! (+ $a&in#0

When o(r nee! for a($ono%' i .hroni.all' fr($ra$e!/ $he .one6

3(en.e .an in.l(!e no$ %erel' a##ra-a$ion *($ !e+reion an! e-en

+h'i.al illne0 A ,e a, in .ha+$er / -ario( (n!eira*le effe.$

$en! $o ho, (+ ,hen &i! feel $he'1re o-er.on$rolle! *' $heir +aren$0

In $he .laroo%/ $oo/ $(!en$ $en! no$ $o $hin& a !ee+l'/ or $o *e a

in$ere$e!/ if $he' ha-e li$$le $o a' a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1re learnin# or

a*o($ $he .ir.(%$an.e in ,hi.h $he'1re learnin# i$0 9Sa!l'/ $ra!i$ional

an! "*a.& $o *ai.5 $'le of e!(.a$ion are !i$in#(ihe! *' ;($ (.h

an enfor.e! +ai-i$'0: A!(l$ in $he ,or&+la.e/ %ean,hile/ are %o$

li&el' $o *(rn o($ no$ *e.a(e $he' ha-e $oo %(.h $o !o *($ *e.a(e

$he' !on1$ ha-e eno(#h .hoi.e a*o($ ,ha$ i$ i $he'1re !oin#0

The reear.h !oen1$ %erel' ho, $ha$ +eo+le fail $o flo(rih ,hen

$he' feel +o,erle0 I$ alo .learl' !e%on$ra$e $he *enefi$ of

having $he .han.e $o .hooe0 For e2a%+le/ ,hen +aren$ no$ onl'a-oi! $he $e%+$a$ion $o rel' on .on$rol *($ alo #o o($ of $heir ,a' $o

hel+ .hil6!ren e2+erien.e a ene of a($ono%'/C $hee .hil!ren are

%ore li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e! an! le li&el' $o %i*eha-e0



Teena#er ,ho

8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N

are a*le $o +ar$i.i+a$e in fa%il' !e.iion6%a&in# are %ore a+$ $o rel'

on $heir +aren$ an! $o hare %an' of $heir *elief0 The' alo en! (+

feelin# *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e/ li&in# .hool %ore/ an! +referrin#%ore .hallen#in# ai#n%en$)an!/ if all $ha$1 no$ eno(#h/ $he'1re

alo %ore li&el' $o $a' o($ of $ro(*le0 Finall'/ .olle#e $(!en$ ,hoe

+aren$ ha! en.o(ra#e! $he% $o *e in!e+en!en$ a .hil!ren are %ore

li&el' $han $heir +eer $o feel .onfi!en$ a*o($ $he%el-e an! $o +er6

i$ in $he fa.e of !iffi.(l$' or fail(re0

When $ea.her #i-e $heir $(!en$ %ore .hoi.e a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1re

!oin#/ $he re(l$ are e3(all' i%+rei-e0 A..or!in# $o one (%%ar' of $he reear.h/ $he a!-an$a#e in.l(!e "#rea$er +er.ei-e! .o%+e$en.e/

hi#her in$rini. %o$i-a$ion/ %ore +oi$i-e e%o$ionali$'/ enhan.e! .re6

a$i-i$'/ a +referen.e for o+$i%al .hallen#e o-er ea' (..e/ #rea$er

+eri$en.e in .hool 9i0e0/ lo,er !ro+6o($ ra$e:/ #rea$er .on.e+$(al

(n!er$an!in#/ an! *e$$er a.a!e%i. +erfor%an.e05

Th(/ hel+in# .hil!ren $o feel e%+o,ere! %a&e ene a$ all a#e/ a$

ho%e an! a$ .hool/ an! ,i$h re#ar! $o *o$h i%%e!ia$e o($.o%e an!

lon#6$er% #oal0 When 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ life +ro-i!e ( ,i$h an en!le

erie of .hoi.e a*o($ i(e $ha$ ran#e fro% %in(.(le $o %on(%en$al/

an! ,e ,an$ o(r &i! $o *e a*le $o !eal ,i$h $he% in a $ho(#h$f(l ,a'0 If I

,ere $o (%%arie $he rele-an$ reear.h an! real6life e2+erien.e on $hi

3(e$ion in a in#le en$en.e/ i$ ,o(l! *e $hi7

The %ay kids learn to ake good decisions is by aking

decisions, not by )ollo%ing directions.

A$ $he a%e $i%e/ ,e ha-e $o .on.e!e $ha$ +eo+le aren1$ al,a'

+er%i$$e! $o +ar$i.i+a$e in !e.iion %a&in#0 De%o.ra.' i no$i.ea*l'

a*en$ fro% %o$ A%eri.an .laroo% an! ,or&+la.e/ an! o%e

+aren$ (e $ha$ fa.$ $o ra$ionalie $heir "*e.a(e I ai! o5 +ra.$i.e0

B($ $he *e$ ,a' $o +re+are .hil!ren for e2+erien.e ,here $he' ,ill

*e (nne.earil' .on$rolle! i no$ $o i%%ere $he% in i%ilar e2+eri6

en.e *eforehan!0 Tha$ ,o(l! *e li&e a'in# $ha$/ *e.a(e $here are

a lo$ of .ar.ino#en in $he en-iron%en$/ ,e ho(l! e2+oe &i! $o a

%an' .an.er6.a(in# a#en$ a +oi*le ,hile $he'1re 'o(n#0

On $he .on$rar'/ i$ %a&e ene $o raie $he% ,i$h re+e.$/ $o offer




$he% (n.on!i$ional (++or$/ an! $o #i-e $he% .hoi.e on a re#(lar

*ai0 Tha$ fo(n!a$ion allo, $he% $o e-al(a$e $he .on$rollin# +eo6

+le an! in$i$($ion $he'1ll e-en$(all' fa.e *' a++l'in# $he hi#her

$an6!ar! $he' en.o(n$ere! ,hile #ro,in# (+0 I$ alo %ean $he'1ll*e %ore li&el' $o ,or& for +oi$i-e .han#e in o(r o.ie$' ra$her

$han ;($ a..e+$in# +o,er6*ae! arran#e%en$ a $he' are)or

*elie-in# $hoe arran#e%en$ are ine-i$a*le0

In hor$/ e%+o,ere! &i! are in $he *e$ +oi$ion $o !eal .on6

$r(.$i-el' ,i$h !ie%+o,erin# .ir.(%$an.e0 An! ,e/ a +aren$/

are in $he *e$ +oi$ion $o e%+o,er $he%)a lon# a ,e1re ,illin#

$o li%i$ our (e of +o,er o-er $he%0

4irst Words and 'ast Words

Li%i$in# o(r +o,er !oen1$ ne.earil' %ean $ha$ ,e %($ *e ilen$

a*o($ o(r +referen.e/ *($ ,hene-er +oi*le ,e o(#h$ $o lea-e $he

final !e.iion in $he .hil!1 han!0 For e2a%+le/ I %i#h$ $a$e in a

%a$$er6of6fa.$ $one $ha$ I *elie-e i$ ,o(l! *e a++ro+ria$e for %' .hil! $o

a+olo#ie for o%e$hin# he !i!/ *($ lea-e i$ (+ $o her $o !e.i!e

,he$her $ha$ .on.l(ion i ri#h$ an! ,he$her he ,ill a.$ on i$0 9Af$er

all/ $he al$erna$i-e i $o .o%+el her $o a' he1 orr' ,hen he in1$0:

E-en ,hen ,e1re (n,illin# $o #i-e &i! $he la$ ,or!/ ,e .an

$ill #i-e $he% $he fir$ ,or!)$ha$ i/ a .han.e $o %a&e $heir .ae0

Th(/ ,hen .hil!ren a& ,he$her i$1 o&a' $o !o o%e$hin#/ i$ of$en

%a&e ene $o re+on! ,i$h "Well/ ,ha$ !o 'o( $hin&@5 Thi le$

$he% &no, $ha$ $heir -ie,+oin$ .o(n$/ an! alo in-i$e $he% $o

+la' an a.$i-e role in .oni!erin# $he i%+li.a$ion of $heir re3(e$0

The 3(e$ion of ,he$her/ an! ho,/ $o le$ .hil!ren !e.i!e *e.o%e

o%e,ha$ %ore .o%+li.a$e! in $he .ae of i*lin# .onfli.$0 Man'

+ar6en$ ;(%+ in +re%a$(rel' an! $hen %a&e %a$$er ,ore *' i!in#,i$h one .hil! a#ain$ $he o$her/ or (nfairl' .on!e%nin# $he% *o$h/ or

$r(#6#lin# $o fi#(re o($ ,ho1 $o *la%e0 In o !oin#/ $he' hor$6.ir.(i$

$he +ro.e *' ,hi.h &i! learn $o ne#o$ia$e $heir o,n ol($ion0




Ho,e-er/ I1% no$ en$irel' .o%for$a*le ,i$h *lan&e$ a!-i.e $o "le$

$he% ,or& $hin# o($ for $he%el-e05 Fir$ of all/ a .hil! ,ho feel he

ha a le#i$i%a$e #rie-an.e %a' #e$ $he i!ea $ha$ 'o( !on1$ .are

eno(#h $o #e$ in-ol-e!/ $ha$ 'o(1re in!ifferen$ $o her .o%+lain$0 Se.6

on!/ 'o(r han!6off +oli.' %a' lea-e $he ,ea&er .hil! $o $he %er.ieof $he one ,ho i $ron#er or .le-erer)an! 'o( %a' #i-e $he i%+re6

ion $ha$ an' o($.o%e/ no %a$$er ho, (nfair/ ha 'o(r *lein#0

Be .lear $ha$ 'o(1re .on.erne! an! '%+a$he$i. fin! o($ ,ha$1

#oin# on0 If 'o( $hen !e.i!e $o ha-e $he .hil!ren .on$r(.$ $heir

o,n ol($ion/ %a&e (re 'o( &no, ,ha$ i$ i0 Thi i a learnin#

+ro.e for all .on.erne!0 Tal& $o *o$h .hil!ren af$er $he fa.$ $o hel+

$he% hone $heir .onfli.$6reol($ion &ill/ $o refle.$ on i(e of

fairne/ an! $o $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ $he' %i#h$ !o ne2$ $i%e0 B($ *e

.aref(l7 A one .hil! +'.holo#i$ +oin$ o($/ "Paren$al in$er-en$ion

!oe no$ #(aran$ee fairne i$ onl' *rin# in$o $he .onfli.$ an e-en

$ron#er +ar$i.i+an$ ,hoe ,or! i final re#ar!le of $he fa.$05

E-en in $he a*en.e of a na$' !ia#ree%en$/ .hil!ren %a' $r'

$o %a&e !e.iion for $heir 'o(n#er i*lin#/ $o $ell $he% ho, $he'

ho(l! *e !oin# $hin#0 A !oin#6$o $'le .o%e eail' $o .hil!ren

9a i$ !oe $o a!(l$: i$1 a($ono%' (++or$ $ha$ ha $o *e learne!0

To +ro-i!e $ha$ (++or$ for 'o(n# .hil!ren i $o +ro$e.$ $he% fro%

an'one ,ho ,o(l! $r' $o .on$rol $he% (nne.earil'0

Deciding Together

E-en *a*ie .an *e allo,e! $o .hooe0 The' ha-e -er' .lear

+refer6en.e for ,hen $he' ,an$ $o ea$/ ho, $he' +refer $o *e hel!/

,here $he' li&e $o *e $i.&le!/ ,hi.h $o' $he'1! ra$her +la' ,i$h/ an!

o on0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e $(ne in $o ,ha$ $he'1re $ellin# ( an!

$r' $o honor $heir re3(e$ ,hene-er +oi*le ra$her $han ini$in#

on a fi2e! .he!(le for ea$in# an! lee+in#/ or in$era.$in# ,i$h$he% in a ,a' $ha$ en$er$ain ( *($ !oen1$ reall' +leae $he%0J

To!!ler are *e$$er a*le $o .o%%(ni.a$e $heir !eire/ an! $he'




ha-e %ore o+$ion for e2+rein# !i+lea(re if $hoe !eire are

$h,ar$e!0 Alon# ,i$h $he a*ili$' $o arran#e $hin# o $he' #e$ %ore of

,ha$ $he' ,an$/ of .o(re/ .o%e $he +o$en$ial for .onfli.$0 Tha$1 ,h'

,e of$en ha-e %i2e! feelin# a*o($ o(r 'o(n# .hil!ren1 #ro,in#%a6$er'0 I$ ,a #rea$ ,hen %' ei#h$een6%on$h6ol! !a(#h$er fi#(re!

o($ ho, $o $(rn a $o' on an! off I ,a +ro(! of her .o%+e$en.e an!

+er6ha+ a *i$ relie-e! $ha$ he !i!n1$ nee! $o .all %e a of$en0 B($ $he

$a#e ,a $hen e$ for a .lah of ,ill0 I $(rne! off a noi' !e-i.e an!

he $(rne! i$ ri#h$ *a.& on0 A$ $ha$ +oin$ %' o+$ion ,ere +re$$' %(.h

li%i$e! $o $,o7 %' ,a' or her ,a'0 Ei$her I le$ her &ee+ $he $o' on or I

!i!n1$0 9In $hi .ae/ I !i!0:

A a .hil! #e$ ol!er/ $ho(#h/ i$ *e.o%e in.reain#l' +oi*le $o

e2+lain an! !i.(0 Thi i a real *rea&$hro(#h7 Ra$her $han *ein#

for.e! $o .hooe *e$,een ei$her #i-in# in or i%+oin# o(r ,ill/ ,e no,

.an $a&e a!-an$a#e of a $hir! +oi*ili$'/ ,hi.h i $o ,or& $hin# o($

$o#e$her0 No$i.e $ha$ $hi i !ifferen$ fro% %erel' .o%in# !o,n o%e6

,here *e$,een $he e2$re%e of a*ol($e free!o%/ on $he one han!/

an! e2.ei-e .on$rol/ on $he o$her0 So%e$i%e $he *e$ al$erna$i-e $o

*la.& an! ,hi$e in1$ #ra' *($/ le$1 a'/ oran#e0 In o$her ,or!/ $here

%a' *e a +oi*ili$' o($i!e $he .on$in((% $ha$ ha !efine! o(r

o+$ion0 I$1 no$ ;($ a %a$$er of fi#(rin# o($ ho% uch .hoi.e $o #i-e

&i!/ ,ha$ +er.en$a#e of $he !e.iion $o lea-e $o $he%/ *($ ho, $o

*e.o%e a.$i-e)an! in$era.$i-e)in $he %ay ,e hel+ .hil!ren !e.i!e0

An earl' $(!' of +aren$in# +ra.$i.e !i.o-ere! $ha$ .hil!ren *e.a%e

%ore "a.$i-e/ o($#oin#/ an! +on$aneo(5 ,hen $he' ,ere #i-en +len$' of

o++or$(ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion0 On .loer in+e.$ion/ ho,e-er/ i$ $(rne!

o($ $ha$ free!o% ,an1$ eno(#h0 A "hi#h le-el of in$era.$ion *e$,een $he

+aren$ an! .hil!5 ,a alo re3(ire!0 In a #en6eral ene/ $ha$ %ean ,e

ha-e $o +roa.$i-el' (++or$ &i!1 .a+a.i$' $o .hooe an! hel+ $he% feel

$ha$ $he' are a$ lea$ $o o%e e2$en$ elf6!e$er%inin#0 O(r ;o* i $o

no(rih $heir ene of a($ono%' an! alo $o $hin& $o#e$her a*o($ ,a' of

ne#o$ia$in# ol($ion for +e.ifi. i(e/ (.h a *e!$i%e/ .(rfe,/ ,here

$o $a&e a fa%il' -a.a$ion/ an! o on0

8oni!er a .hil! ,ho i +en!in# ,ha$ ,e *elie-e i $oo %(.h $i%e8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N



in fron$ of $he TV or $he .o%+($er0 Re.en$l' I ha! e+ara$e .on-era6

$ion ,i$h $,o !ifferen$ +aren$ a*o($ $hi i(e0 One ,a (nha++'

a*o($ e2.ei-e $ele-iion ,a$.hin# in her ho(ehol!/ *($ he

hr(##e! an! a&e! rhe$ori.all'/ "Wha$ are 'o( #oin# $o !o@ I$1 $he

$i%e ,e li-e in05 The o$her %o$her/ *' .on$ra$/ fel$ he ha! $o $a&ea.$ion) o he hi! $he re%o$e .on$rol fro% her !a(#h$er0

To#e$her/ $hee re+one !efine a .lai. fale !i.ho$o%'0 If ,e

le$ &i! !o ,ha$e-er $he' ,an$/ e-en ,hen ,e !ia++ro-e/ ,e ri&

en!in# $he %ea#e $ha$ ,e reall' !on1$ .are/ $ha$ ,e1re ,ahin# o(r

han! of re+oni*ili$'0 9In $he .ae of TV/ $he !o6no$hin# o+$ion %a'

a.$(all' *e %ore a++ealin# $o o%e +aren$ *e.a(e/ !e+i$e $heir

%i6#i-in#/ $he' fin! i$ .on-enien$ $o ha-e $heir .hil!ren o..(+ie! an!

3(ie$0: On $he o$her han!/ $he e.on! re+one i a !oin#6$o ol($ion0

Ne-er %in! $ha$ hi!in# $he re%o$e i (nli&el' $o ,or& 9a$ lea$ for -er'

lon#: an! %erel' in-i$e $he .hil! $o fin! a ,a' $o ,or& aro(n! i$0

Wha$1 %ore i%+or$an$ i $ha$ $hi $ea.he .hil!ren $o (e +o,er)or

nea&ine)$o #e$ $heir ,a'0

Wha$ $hee $,o $ra$e#ie hare i $ha$ nei$her of $he% $a&e an'

$i%e/ an' $alen$/ an' &ill/ an' .are/ or an' .o(ra#e0 A I no$e! earlier/

a $r(e ,or&in#6,i$h a++roa.h i %ore !e%an!in# $han ei$her "I1% $he

+aren$ I !e.i!e5 or "Do ,ha$e-er 'o( ,an$05 A %ore .on$r(.$i-e

re+one ,o(l! *e#in ,i$h li$enin#)no$ onl' o $ha$ &i! )eel hear!

*($ o $ha$ 'o( .an learn %ore a*o($ ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on0 TV +ro6

#ra% an! .o%+($er #a%e are a++ealin# in $heir o,n ri#h$/ *($ .hil6

!ren ,ho +en! inor!ina$e a%o(n$ of $i%e ,i$h $he% %a' *e !oin#

o *e.a(e $he'1re !e+ree! or $r'in# $o a-oi! o$her a.$i-i$ie

9in.l(!6in# o.ial in$era.$ion: for +e.ifi. reaon $ha$ nee! $o *e !eal$

,i$h0 In a!!i$ion $o li$enin#/ ,e nee! $o *e .an!i! a*o($ o(r feelin#

an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ $o loo& for ol($ion $o#e$her7 "Le$1 $al& a*o($ ,ha$1

fair $o 'o( *($ alo ,ha$ %i#h$ a!!re %' .on.ern0 Le$1 .o%e (+

,i$h o%e i!ea an! $r' $he% o($05

In $hi .ae/ $ha$ %a' %ean a#reein# on a reaona*le li%i$ $o $he$i%e +en$ in fron$ of $he TV or P8/ a ,ell a +e.if'in# ,hi.h +ro6

#ra% or #a%e are o&a' an! ,hi.h are no$ 9an! ,h':0 B($ $ha$1 ;($




$he *e#innin# of $he !i.(ion0 We %a' nee! $o e2+lore $he

(n!erl'6in# i(e $ha$ e2+lain ,h' $he $ele-iion ha *e.o%e $he

.hil!1 *e$ frien!0 An! ,e %a' !e.i!e $o +en! %ore $i%e ,i$h o(r

&i!)a$ a.$i-6i$ie $he' hel+ $o .hooe0Here1 ano$her e2a%+le7 I$1 one $hin# $o lo.& 'o(r .ar1 rear !oor

o $ha$ a 'o(n# .hil! .an1$ a..i!en$all' o+en i$ ,hile 'o(1re +ee!in#

!o,n $he hi#h,a'0 I$1 o%e$hin# ele $o lo.& $he ele.$ri. ,in!o, o

$ha$ onl' 'o(/ $he !ri-er/ .an .on$rol $he%0 Tha$1 ano$her !oin#6$o

ol($ion/ a ,a' of $r'in# $o %a&e $he +ro*le% #o a,a' *' $ri++in#

.hil!ren of +o,er0 In$ea!/ ,e %i#h$ ;($ allo, $he &i! $o +la' ,i$h $he

,in!o,/ &no,in# $ha$ e-en$(all' $he #a%e ,ill loe i$ no-el$'0 If

$here reall' i a +ro*le% ,i$h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#/ ho,e-er/ ,e ho(l!

$a&e $he $i%e $o e2+lain %hy i$1 a +ro*le% an! a& $he% $o refrain

fro% foolin# ,i$h $he *($$on $oo %(.h0

Thi #eneral a++roa.h al%o$ al,a' ,or& ,i$h %' o,n

.hil!ren/ an! I hear fro% %an' o$her +aren$ a.ro $he .o(n$r'

,ho ha-e $he a%e e2+erien.e0 Ki! reall' re+on! ,hen $he'1re

$rea$e! ,i$h re+e.$/ in-ol-e! in +ro*le% ol-in#/ an! a(%e! $o

*e ,ell in$en$ione!0 B' .on$ra$/ i$1 $he .hil!ren ,ho are raie!

,i$h %ore $ra!i$ional !i.i6+linar' +ra.$i.e 9an! $he .orre+on!in#

a(%+$ion: ,ho $en! $o $a&e a!-an$a#e0 "Gi-e 1e% an in.h/

$he'1ll $a&e a %ile5 $(rn o($ $o *e $r(e +ri%aril' of .hil!ren ,ho

ha-e onl' *een #i-en in.he in $heir li-e0

In hor$/ ,i$h ea.h of $he $ho(an!6an!6one +ro*le% $ha$

+reen$ $he%el-e in fa%il' life/ o(r .hoi.e i *e$,een .on$rollin#

an! $ea.h6in#/ *e$,een .rea$in# an a$%o+here of !i$r($ an! one

of $r($/ *e$,een e$$in# an e2a%+le of +o,er an! hel+in# .hil!ren

$o learn re+oni*ili$'/ *e$,een 3(i.&6fi2 +aren$in# an! $he &in!

$ha$1 fo.(e! on lon#6$er% #oal0

Thee al$erna$i-e are +ar$i.(larl' alien$ for +aren$ ,ho $r(##le

.on$in(o(l' ,i$h #e$$in# $heir .hil!ren o($ of *e!/ !ree!/ fe!/,ahe!/ an! o($ $he !oor in $i%e for .hool)$ha$ i/ %o$ of (0 No$

lon# af$er o(r fir$ .hil! $ar$e! +re.hool/ %' ,ife an! I fell in$o $he

$ra+ of na##in# an! rel'in# on -ario( .oer.i-e $ra$e#ie0 Wha$ ,e





in# $hin# $o#e$her +ro!(.e *enefi$ $ha$ re+a' o(r +a$ien.e %an'

$i%e o-er0

Loo& a$ i$ $hi ,a'7 One o+$ion for +aren$ of ol!er .hil!ren i $o

%oni$or an! .on$rol $he% in a !e+era$e effor$ $o %a&e (re $he'!on1$ #e$ in$o $ro(*le)rea! $heir !iarie an! rifle $hro(#h $heir

*a.&+a.& ,hen $he'1re no$ loo&in#/ !e-ie $e.hni.al fi2e $o

+re-en$ $he% fro% ,a$.hin# ina++ro+ria$e TV +ro#ra%/ %a'*e

e-en in$all hi!!en .a%6era o ,e .an &ee+ an e'e on $he%0 The

o$her o+$ion i $o *(il! a $r($in# rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he% fro% $he

$i%e $he'1re %all an! in-ol-e $he% in %a&in# !e.iion0 Tha$ ,a'/

$he !oin#6$o a++roa.h/ ,hi.h ,e alrea!' &no, $o *e offeni-e an!.o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ +ro-e $o *e (nne.ear' a ,ell0

B($ are $here eno(#h ho(r in $he !a' $o $al& o-er e-er'$hin# ,i$h

o(r &i!@ I $hin& ,e .an offer fo(r re+one $o $hi .on.ern0 Fir$ of

all/ ,hile i$1 $heore$i.all' +oi*le $o +en! $oo %(.h $i%e hahin#

$hin# o($/ %o$ +aren$ ha-e a lon# ,a' $o #o *efore $he' ha-e $o

,orr' a*o($ errin# in $hi !ire.$ion0 The far %ore .o%%on %i$a&e i

$o hare !e.iion6%a&in# a($hori$' $oo rarel'0 The -a$ %a;ori$' of

fa%ilie (ffer fro% $oo li$$le !e%o.ra.'/ no$ $oo %(.h0

Se.on!/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ e-er'$hin# ha $o *e ne#o$ia$e!/

onl' $ha$ &i! ho(l! &no, %an' i(e can *e ne#o$ia$e!0 Para!o2i6

.all'/ $he'1ll feel le nee! $o .hallen#e e-er' !e.iion ,hen $he'1re

.on6fi!en$ $ha$ i$1 +oi*le for $he% $o o*;e.$ 9or (##e$ an

al$erna$i-e: on $hoe o..aion ,hen $he' feel i$1 i%+or$an$ $o !o o0

Thir!/ .hil!ren are %(.h le li&el' $o rei$ !e.iion $ha$ $he'

hel+e! $o %a&e0 The $o+6!o,n/ ",hile 'o(1re li-in# in %' ho(e/

'o(1ll !o a I a'5 a++roa.h en! (+ $a&in# a lo$ %ore $i%e an!

ener#' $han ,e realie *e.a(e of $he !efian.e i$ o of$en

+ro-o&e0 E-en a+ar$ fro% $he $re e2+erien.e! *' +aren$ an!

.hil!ren ali&e)an! $he !a%a#e $o $heir rela$ionhi+)$he a++aren$

effi.ien.' of *'+ain# !i6.(ion *' !e.i!in# $hin# (nila$erall'$(rn o($ $o *e an ill(ion ,hen 'o( $a&e $he lon# -ie,0

Finall'/ +ea&in# of $he lon# -ie,/ e-en if ,or&in# $hin# o($ ,i$h

&i! reall' !i! en! (+ $a&in# %ore $i%e an! effor$ $han $he $ra!i$ional




a++roa.h/ i$1 one of $he *e$ ,a' +aren$ .an +en! $heir $i%e0 To

a++re.ia$e $hi/ ,e ha-e $o loo& *e'on! $he +e.ifi. i(e ,e1re !i6

.(in# an! re%e%*er $ha$ $hi +ro.e +ro-i!e in.al.(la*le *ene6

fi$ $o o(r .hil!ren1 o.ial/ %oral/ an! in$elle.$(al !e-elo+%en$0

Pseudochoice

So%e +aren$ $al& a*o($ ".hoi.e5 no$ in $he .on$e2$ of allo,in# &i! $o

ha-e %ore a' *($ ra$her a a ,a' of *la%in# $he% for !eli*era$el'

!e.i!in# $o !o o%e$hin# *a!0 A en$en.e (.h a "Yo( chose $o *rea&

$he r(le5 a%o(n$ $o (in# $hi ,or! al%o$ li&e a *l(!#eon a#ain$ .hil6

!ren0 I$1 alo a ,a' of $r'in# $o ;($if' a +(ni$i-e re+one/ o i$ ho(l!n1$

*e (r+riin# $o learn $ha$ +eo+le ,ho $al& $hi ,a' are in!ee! %ore li&el'

$o (e +(nih%en$ an! o$her +o,er6*ae! in$er-en$ion0C

A!(l$ ,ho *li$hel' ini$ $ha$ .hil!ren .hooe $o %i*eha-e are ra$her

li&e +oli$i.ian ,ho !e.lare $ha$ +eo+le ha-e onl' $he%el-e $o *la%e for

*ein# +oor0 In *o$h .ae/ +o$en$iall' rele-an$ fa.$or o$her $han +eronal

re+oni*ili$' are i#nore!0 A 'o(n# .hil! in +ar6$i.(lar %a' no$ ha-e $he

f(ll' !e-elo+e! .a+a.i$' for ra$ional !e.iion6%a&in# or i%+(le .on$rol

$ha$ i i%+li.i$ in (##e$in# he %a!e a .hoi.e0 9Paren$ ,ho $a&e $hoe

li%i$ in$o a..o(n$ are li&el' $o $r' $o hel+ $he .hil! !e-elo+ $he rele-an$

&ill/ ra$her $han $o +(nih an! *la%e0: A e.on! i%ilari$' *e$,een $he

a$$ri*($ion of .hoi.e *' +ar6en$ an! +oli$i.ian i $ha$ in *o$h .ae i$1

$he -er' +eo+le .lai%in# $hi ,ho $en! $o *enefi$ fro% (.h $hin&in#0 The'

ha-e no nee! $o re.oni!er $heir o,n !e.iion an! !e%an!0 Paren$/

for e2a%+le/ .an i%+l' $ell $he%el-e $ha$ $heir .hil!ren ".hoe5

,ha$e-er ha++ene!0

So%e$i%e i$1 $he i!ea of .hoi.e $ha$1 %i(e! ra$her $han ;($

$he ,or!0 We fin! $hi ,hen +aren$ +re$en! $o le$ $he .hil! !e.i!e

,hile a.$(all' &ee+in# all $he real !e.iion6%a&in# a($hori$' $o

$he%el-e0 There are $hree .o%%on for% of "+e(!o.hoi.e/5 allof ,hi.h/ a!l'/ .an *e fo(n! in !i.i+line *oo& a e2a%+le of

,ha$ ,e1re (++oe! $o !o0




In $he fir$ -erion/ $he +aren$ a& a loa!e! 3(e$ion (.h a

"Do 'o( ,an$ $o !o $he !ihe no, or ,o(l! 'o( ra$her !o $he%

,hile 'o(r fa-ori$e TV +ro#ra% i on@5 The +ro*le% here in1$ ;($

$ha$ $he o+$ion ha-e *een re!(.e! $o $,o0 I$1 $ha$ no real .hoi.ei *ein# offere! a$ all0 O*-io(l'/ $he .hil! !oen1$ ,an$ $o %i her

+ro#ra%0 The +aren$ i reall' a'in# "Wah $he !ihe no, or ele

I1% no$ #oin# $o le$ 'o( ,a$.h TV5)or/ in #eneri. $er%/ "Do ,ha$ I

$ell 'o( or 'o(1ll *e +(nihe!05 The lan#(a#e of .hoi.e i (e! $o

!i#(ie ,ha$ i *ai.all' ;($ a $hrea$0

The e.on! &in! of +e(!o.hoi.e i !ifferen$ onl' in $ha$ $he

!e.e+6$ion o..(r a)ter a .hil! !oe o%e$hin# re#ar!e! a

ina++ro+ria$e0 The +aren$ anno(n.e $ha$ a +(nih%en$ ,ill *e

i%+oe!/ *($ !e.ri*e i$ a o%e$hin# $he .hil! a&e! for)a in/

"Yo(1-e chosen a $i%e6o($05 Thi +hrae a++eal $o o%e +aren$

*e.a(e i$ ee% $o relie-e $he% of an' re+oni*ili$' for ,ha$ $he'1re

a*o($ $o !o/ *($ i$1 f(n!a%en6$all' !ihone$ an! %ani+(la$i-e0 To $he

in;(r' of +(nih%en$ i a!!e! $he in(l$ of a &in! of %in! #a%e

,here*' reali$' i re!efine! an! .hil6!ren are $ol!/ in effe.$/ $ha$ $he'

,an$e! $o *e %a!e $o (ffer0 "Yo(1-e .hoen a $i%e6o($5 i a lie a

$r($hf(l +aren$ ,o(l! ha-e $o a'/ "I1-e .hoen $o iola$e 'o(05

A li#h$l' !ifferen$ -erion of $hi +lo' .oni$ of a'in# o%e$hin#

li&e "Don1$ %a&e %e +an& 'o(45 9or "0 0 0 en! 'o( $o 'o(r roo%/5 or

"0 0 0 $a&e a,a' 'o(r allo,an.e/5 or ,ha$e-er:)in effe.$/ +re$en!6in#

$ha$ $he .hil! i re+oni*le for "%a&in#5 $he +aren$ reor$ $o +(n6

ih%en$0 I$1 in$ere$in# $o o*er-e ho, %an' +eo+le ,ho +io(l'

!e.lare $ha$ .hil!ren %($ $a&e re+oni*ili$' for $heir o,n *eha-ior)

o%e$i%e e-en *efore $he'1re reall' ol! eno(#h $o !o o)en! (+

$,i$in# reali$' o a $o e.a+e re+oni*ili$' for their *eha-ior0 9"Don1$

loo& a$ %e4 M' &i! for.e! %e $o !o *a! $hin# $o her45:

The la$ -erion of +e(!o.hoi.e o..(r ,hen +aren$ #o $hro(#h $he

%o$ion of le$$in# $he .hil! .hooe *($ %a&e i$ .lear ho, $he re(l$ %($.o%e o($0 So%e o+$ion are a..e+$a*le an! o$her are no$/ an! $he .hil!

i e2+e.$e! $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$ hi% $o !o) $ha$ i/ if he

e-er ,an$ $o ha-e $he .han.e $o ".hooe5 a#ain0 9"I #(e




'o(1re no$ %a$(re eno(#h $o *e allo,e! $o !e.i!e $hee $hin# for

'o(relf5 %ean "Yo( !i!n1$ +i.& ,ha$ I ,an$e! 'o( $o05: Be$$er ;($

$o $ell a .hil! "I1% #oin# $o +i.& for 'o(/5 ,hi.h a$ lea$ i hone$/

$han $o #o $hro(#h $hi .hara!e0

The 'iits o) 'iits

E-en +aren$ ,ho a-oi! $hee !e.e+$ion ho(l! refle.$ on

,he$her $he' %i#h$ *e (nne.earil' li%i$in# $heir .hil!ren1

o++or$(ni$ie $o .hooe0 Al$ho(#h $here are .er$ain &in! of

.hoi.e $ha$ a!(l$ ha-e $o %a&e for $heir .hil!ren)an! e-en

$ho(#h $he .hoi.e .hil6!ren .an %a&e for $he%el-e of$en %($

*e .ir.(%.ri*e!)I *e.o%e (nea' ,hen +aren$ 9or +eo+le ,ho

a!-ie +aren$: %a&e e%+ha$i./ elf6a$ifie! !e.lara$ion a*o($

$he nee! $o "e$ li%i$05 Too of$en $hi +hrae i (e! $o ;($if' an

a++roa.h $ha$ fea$(re far $oo %(.h .on$rol0

Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen i$1 alo aer$e! $ha$ ,e ho(l!n1$

feel *a! a*o($ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# *e.a(e &i!/ !e+i$e $heir a++aren$

rei$an.e/ a.$(all' ,an$ li%i$0 A Tho%a Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ $ha$1

a "!an#ero( half6$r($h05 8hil!ren %a' accept li%i$ an! e-en

a.&no,le!#e $heir -al(e/ *($ ,ha$ $he' need i $o *e .on(l$e! ra$her

$han ;($ .on$raine!0 Wa$.h ho, !ifferen$l' &i! rea.$ $o "li%i$

i%+oe! *' an a!(l$ an! 0 0 0 li%i$ $he' ha-e a -oi.e in !e$er%inin#05

The 3(e$ion ,e o(#h$ $o *e a&in#/ a Gor!on a, i$/ in1$ ,he$her

li%i$ an! r(le are o%e$i%e ne.ear'0 I$1 ",ho e$ $he%7 $he

a!(l$ alone or $he a!(l$ an! &i!)$o#e$her05

So%e$i%e $he li%i$ +aren$ i%+oe $a&e $he for% of allo,in# &i! $o

%a&e .hoi.e onl' a*o($ %eanin#le %a$$er0 I re%e%*er a %o$her

$ellin# %e +ro(!l' $ha$ he %a&e a +oin$ of le$$in# her .hil! .hooe

,hene-er he !oen1$ %(.h .are ho, $hin# $(rn o($0 The a!-an$a#e of

a($ono%' $ha$ I !e.ri*e! earlier re3(ire $ha$ .hil!ren ha-e a a' a*o($o%e i(e ,here ,e do .are ,ha$ ha++en0 Ki! ho(l! *e a*le $o

%a&e o%e .hoi.e $ha$ ha-e $he +o$en$ial $o %a&e ( #(l+ a *i$0




Na$(rall'/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e #i-e $he% $hoe o++or$(ni$ie ,ill

!e+en! +ar$l' on $heir a#e7 I1% no$ a'in# a $hree6'ear6ol! ho(l! !e.i!e

,he$her $o #e$ -a..ina$e!0 B($ e-en a$ $hi a#e a .hil! .an ha-e o%e

in+($ in$o %a$$er %ore i#nifi.an$ $han ,hi.h .olor i++' .(+ $o (e for l(n.h0 I$1 alo i%+or$an$ $o .oni!er $he $'+e of 3(e$ion $ha$1 (n!er

!i.(ion0 In o%e real%/ (.h a heal$h an! afe$'/ .hil!ren %i#h$ *e

li%i$e! $o +eri+heral .hoi.e/ (.h a %hen $o $a&e a *a$h or ,hi.h $'le

of hel%e$ $o +($ on *efore #e$$in# on a *i&e or &a$e*oar!0 B($ in o$her

real%/ (.h a ho, $o f(rnih an! !e.ora$e $heir *e!6roo%/ $he' ho(l!

ha-e %(.h %ore la$i$(!e $o !o $hin# a $he' ee fi$0 9A($hori$arian

+aren$/ *' .on$ra$/ no$ onl' offer %ini%al o++or6$(ni$ie for $heir .hil!ren

$o .hooe/ *($ $en! $o $rea$ %a$$er of $a$e or +eronal $'le a if $he'

,ere %oral i(e ,i$h a in#le ri#h$ an,er)an an,er $ha$ %($/ of

.o(re/ *e +ro-i!e! *' $he +aren$0:

I ,on1$ $r' $o +e.if' e2a.$l' ,ha$ a #i-en .hil! 9,ho% I1-e

ne-er %e$: ho(l! *e allo,e! $o !e.i!e a$ a #i-en a#e0 B($ $he

.hallen#e for all of ( i $o %a&e (re $ha$/ if ,e1re a'in# o(r .hil!

shouldn0t ha-e an' .hoi.e a*o($ a .er$ain i(e/ ,e1re reall' !oin#

o *e.a(e i$ !oen1$ %a&e ene/ no$ ;($ *e.a(e ,e1re (n,illin#

$o #i-e (+ o%e .on$rol0 E-en $he %o$ effe.$i-e +aren$ of$en fin!

i$ $o(#h $o relin63(ih o%e of $heir a($hori$'/ *($ $he' !o o

an',a'0 An! ,hen $he' !on1$/ $he' %a' %a.& $heir forehea!

la$er an! %($$er/ "Wai$ a %in($e4 Wh' !i! " %a&e $ha$ !e.iion on

%' o,n@ Wh' !i! I $ell ,hen I .o(l! ha-e a&e!@5

One ,a' $o %a&e (re $ha$ .hoi.e are real an! %eanin#f(l i $o !o

%ore $han allo, &i! $o ele.$ one o+$ion fro% a %en( $ha$ 'o(1-e .on6

$r(.$e!0 9"Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o !o x, y, or =95: Tha$ or$ of li%i$e! .hoi.e

%a' *e all $ha$ a -er' 'o(n# .hil! .an han!le/ *($ *' $he $i%e .hil!ren are

fi-e or i2/ $he' ho(l! ha-e +len$' of o++or$(ni$ie $o generate !if6feren$

+oi*ili$ie ra$her $han %erel' +i.&in# one fro% a%on# $hoe $ha$ 'o(1-e

e$ *efore $he%0 Tr' $o a& %ore o+en6en!e! 3(e$ion/ (.h a "Wha$,o(l! 'o( li&e $o !o $o!a'@5 I$1 fine $o (##e$ o%e i!ea if .hil!ren

ee% $'%ie!0 B($ !on1$ he% $he% in +re%a$(rel'0 Real a($on6o%'

.o%e fro% .on$r(.$ion %ore $han fro% ele.$ion0




When They $ave To, But Don0t Want To

E-en af$er ,e1-e .hallen#e! o(rel-e $o $hin& .aref(ll' a*o($ ,he$her

$here1 a reaona*le ;($ifi.a$ion for ,ha$ ,e1re a&in# .hil!ren $o !o 9or

no$ $o !o:/ $here ,ill *e o%e !e%an! $ha$ reall' are nonne#o$ia*le0There ,ill *e o%e o..aion ,hen .o%+lian.e i -i$al/ o%e $i%e ,hen

,e $r(l' %($ a' "Yo( ha-e $o5 or "Yo( .an1$05 Wha$ $hen@

The #oo! ne, i $ha$ +aren$ ,ho ha-en1$ o-er+la'e! $heir

han! *' !e%an!in# o*e!ien.e all $he $i%e are li&el' $o fin! $ha$

$heir .hil6!ren ,ill #i-e $he% $he *enefi$ of $he !o(*$ an! !o ,ha$

$he'1re a&e! ,hen $he i$(a$ion re3(ire i$0 9Thi i i%ilar $o ho,

.hil!ren ,ho &no, $he' .an +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in# !e.iion ,on1$

feel $he' ha-e $o !o o a*o($ e-er' in#le i(e0: Rei$an.e i

%ore .o%%on a%on# .hil!ren ,ho feel +o,erle an! are !ri-en

$o aer$ $heir a($ono%' in e2a##era$e! ,a'0

S$ill/ $here ,ill *e $i%e ,hen $he' rei$ ,ha$ 'o( $ell $he%/

ho,6e-er #oo! 'o(r reaon are an! ho,e-er +arin#l' 'o(

in-o&e 'o(r a($hori$'0 B($ e-en $hen/ $here are al$erna$i-e $o

re,ar!in# an! +(n6ihin# an! .r(!el' la'in# !o,n $he la,0

0 USE THE LEAST INTRUSIVE STRATEGY0

Be a #en$le an! &in! a +oi*le0 Don1$ o-er,hel% a .hil! ,i$h 'o(r

+o,er0 If a .hil! i in a fo(l $e%+er/ an#ril' rei$in# e-er' (##e$ion 'o(

%a&e/ !on1$ #e$ +(lle! in$o a $r(##le0 Di.(ion !oen1$ %a&e ene

,hen he1 (na*le $o reaon/ an! of .o(re hollerin# *a.& ne-er %a&e

ene0 Gi-e her a fe, %in($e $o re.o-er0 The $or% ,ill +a0

Thi a!-i.e alo %a&e ene ,hen 'o(1re .onfron$e! ,i$h +ai-e

rei$an.e0 S(++oe a 'o(n# .hil! i#nore 'o(r re3(e$ $o +($ a,a' a $o'0

He i$ ,i$h hi *a.& $o 'o( an! .on$in(e +la'in#0 The i%+(le i -er'

$ron# here $o ini$/ $o (e hea-'6han!e! $a.$i. an! ra$.he$ (+ $he

$a&e0 Af$er all/ 'o(r a($hori$' ha *een .hallen#e!4 Ki! .an1$ *eallo,e! $o i#nore $heir +aren$4 B($ ,ha$ if 'o( $oo& a *rea$h/ a&e! hi%

$o .lean (+ ,hen he1 !one +la'in#/ an! $hen ,al&e! a,a'@



JC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

B' *a.&in# off a *i$ an! #i-in# hi% o%e +a.e/ 'o( le$ hi%

%ain$ain hi a($ono%' an! hi !i#ni$'0

In %' e2+erien.e/ $hi &in! of non.onfron$a$ional a++roa.h reall'

!oe +ro!(.e *e$$er re(l$)an!/ in $he *ar#ain/ &ee+ $he %oo!+leaan$ an! $he rela$ionhi+ rela$i-el' (n.a$he!0 9In fa.$/ $he a%e

re3(e$6an!6%o-e6a,a' $ra$e#' .an *e effe.$i-e ,hen (e! *'

.la6roo% $ea.her0: B($ i$ !oe re3(ire .oni!era*le elf6re$rain$

a ,ell a +lain ol! +a$ien.e0 E+e.iall' ,i$h 'o(n#er .hil!ren/ ,e

.an1$ e2+e.$ in$an$ .o%+lian.e on e-er' o..aion/ no %a$$er ,ha$ o(r

+aren$in# $'le %a' *e0 We ha-e $o *e +re+are! $o re+ea$ $he re3(e$

or +rohi6*i$ion 9alon# ,i$h $he reaon for i$: e-eral $i%e0 We ha-e $o

allo, for *a! !a'0 I$1 (nreali$i. $o e2+e.$ $ha$ .hil!ren ,ill al,a'

o*e'/ an! i$1 !e$r(.$i-e $o $hin& of $hee i%+ae a *a$$le $ha$ ,e

%($ al,a' ,in0 Re%e%*er/ $he $ra!i$ional %e$ho! reall' !on1$ ,or&

*e$6$er in $he lon# r(n/ an! $he' .an !o an a,f(l lo$ of har%0

C0 BE HONEST WITH THEM0

If ,ha$ 'o(1re a&in# 'o(r .hil! $o !o in1$ %(.h f(n/ a.&no,le!#e

$ha$ fa.$0 If 'o( ,an$ hi% $o *e 3(ie$ ;($ *e.a(e 'o(1-e ha! eno(#h

r(.&( for one !a'/ a' o0 Don1$ in-en$ %ore6i%+rei-e6o(n!in#

;(6$ifi.a$ion for 'o(r re3(e$/ or +re$en! $ha$ o%e$hin# 'o(1re $ellin#

hi% $o !o ,ill *e en;o'a*le ,hen $ha$1 (nli&el' $o *e $r(e0 Tr' $o ee

$hin# fro% hi +oin$ of -ie, 9%ore a*o($ $ha$ in $he follo,in# .ha+6

$er:/ an! .a+$(re $ha$ +er+e.$i-e in 'o(r ,or!7 "I &no, i$1 fr($ra$6

in# ,hen 'o( .an1$ =na%e of !eire! a.$i-i$'>/ ,ee$ie/ an! 'o(

+ro*a*l' ,ih I1! ;($ lea-e 'o( alone/ h(h@ B($ 0 0 05

0 EPLAIN THE RATIONALE0

"Be.a(e I ai! o5 i no$ a reaon a$ all i$1 an a++eal $o *r($e for.e

an! a ,a' of $ea.hin# .hil!ren $o rel' on i$ $he%el-e0 I$1 *e$$er no$ onl'

$o a-oi! $ha$ +hrae *($ $o %a&e a +oin$ of offerin# reaon0 Mo$ of o(r

re3(e$ .an *e e2+laine! e-en $o $,o6'ear6ol! in ,or! $he'




.an a$ lea$ +ar$l' #ra+0 9"Yo(r *ro$her1 ,ai$in# for ( $o +i.& hi% (+ a$

.hool if ,e !on1$ #o #e$ hi% no,/ he ,on1$ &no, ,here ,e are an! he1ll

*e a!05: Offerin# e2+lana$ion !oen1$ #(aran$ee $ha$ a .hil! ,ill

.heerf(ll' a..e+$ o(r !e%an!);($ a i$ ,o(l!n1$ al,a' ,or& if

o%eone ,ere $ellin# ( ,e ha! $o !o $hi/ or .o(l!n1$ !o $ha$)*($ i$

%a&e a..e+$an.e a lo$ %ore li&el'0 In an' .ae/ +eo+le of an' a#e are

en$i$le! $o a reaon ,hen o%eone i li%i$in# $heir o+$ion0

0 TURN IT INTO A GAME0

Ue 'o(r i%a#ina$ion $o hel+ .hil!ren fin! o%e en;o'%en$ in

!oin# $hin# $ha$ aren1$ in$rini.all' all $ha$ !eli#h$f(l0 When 'o(n# &i!

rei$ *r(hin# $heir $ee$h/ 'o( .an en.o(ra#e $he% $o li$en for $he

o(n! of *ri$le on ena%el/ ,hi.h +ro-i!e in$an$ e-i!en.e $ha$

$he'1re (..ee!in# in #e$$in# ri! of '(.&' $(ff0 More ela*ora$e #a%e

%a' in.l(!e +lane 9!i#(ie! a $oo$h*r(he: re+ea$e!l' $a&in# off

an! lan!in# in $he %o($h0 In-en$ 'o(r o,n -aria$ion)or/ *e$$er 'e$/

a& $he .hil! $o !o o0 Ol!er &i!/ %ean,hile/ .an *e in-i$e! $o $hin& of

-ario( ,a' $o !o a #i-en .hore/ or $o .al.(la$e ho, %(.h $i%e i$

$a&e $o !o i$ $hi ,a' -er( $ha$ ,a'0

0 SET AN EAMPLE0

A!(l$ !on1$ ha-e $o follo, all $he a%e r(le $ha$ .hil!ren !o/ *($

%o$ r(le o(#h$ $o a++l' $o (/ $oo0 If ,e1re a&in# $he% $o .lean (+

af$er $he%el-e or $(rn off $he li#h$ ,hen $he' lea-e $he roo%/ if ,e1re

$ellin# $he% no$ $o in$err(+$ or ,ear or (e an in(l$in# $one/ $hen ,e

ho(l! !o li&e,ie0 A+ar$ fro% i%+le fairne/ i$1 eaier $o #e$ &i! $o

!o o%e$hin# $ha$ ,e o(rel-e are ,illin# $o !o0

0 GIVE THEM AS MU8H 8HOI8E AS POSSIBLE0

Wi$hin $he .on$rain$ of ,ha$ $he' ha-e $o !o/ a& $he% ho, $he'

,an$ $o !o i$/ or ,here/ or ,hen/ or ,i$h ,ho%0 On.e 'o( $ar$ $o




$hin& .rea$i-el' a*o($ $hee i(e)an!/ a#ain/ ha-e 'o(r &i!

;oin 'o( in !oin# o)i$1 a%ain# ho, %(.h o++or$(ni$' $here i

for !e.i6ion %a&in# e-en ,hen $he *o$$o% line i $ha$ o%e$hin#

%($ *e !one0

Thee half6!oen (##e$ion .an of$en *e (e! in

.o%*ina$ion0 For e2a%+le/ (++oe a .hil! rei$ ,ahin# her

han! *efore !inner0 A +aren$ %i#h$ a'/ "Well/ I &no, ,ha$ 'o(1re

!oin# ri#h$ no, i %ore f(n $han .o%in# o-er $o $he in&/ *($ 'o(r

han! !o ha-e $o *e ,ahe! o $ha$ 'o( !on1$ #e$ i.& fro% ea$in#

!ir$0 If 'o(r han! aren1$ .lean/ $hen 'o(r %o($h %i#h$ *e ha++'

,i$h ,ha$ 'o( ea$/ *($ 'o(r $(%%' ,ill #e$ (+e$0 =O+$ional7 Iner$

'o(r i%+reion of a $(%%' +ro$e$6in# in a f(nn' -oi.e0> So ,o(l!

'o( li&e $o ,ah $he% here in $he &i$.hen or in $he *a$hroo%@5

O$her .hoi.e .an *e +ro-i!e!/ $oo7 "Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o ,ah $he%

*' 'o(relf/ or ,o(l! 'o( li&e $o ,ah $he% ,i$h %e@ 9I al,a'

,ah %' han! *efore I ea$/ $oo0:5 "Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o (e $he in&

or ,ih $he% aro(n! in a *i# *o,l ,i$h *(*6*le@5 An! o on0

On o..aion .hil!ren ,ill !o $hin# $ha$ are a*ol($el'

(na..e+$a*le an! ,e i%+l' %($ $h,ar$ $heir in$en$ion0 The' %a'

e2+erien.e o(r in$er-en$ion a a +(nih%en$/ ,hi.h %a&e i$

har!er $o a!!re $he (n!erl'in# i(e .al%l' or $o a-oi!

!a%a#in# $he rela$ionhi+0 For $ha$ reaon/ $he (e of o($ri#h$

.oer.ion i a la$ reor$/ a $ra$e#' $o *e (e! rel(.$an$l' an!

rarel'0 When i$ i a*ol($el' ne.ear'/ ,e ho(l! !o e-er'$hin#

+oi*le $o of$en $he *lo, an! %ini%ie $he +(ni$i-e i%+a.$ of

(.h a %o-e0 O(r $one ho(l! *e ,ar% an! re#re$6f(l an! alo

.onfi!en$ $ha$ ,e .an e-en$(all' ol-e $he +ro*le% $o#e$her0

F(r$her%ore/ ,e ho(l! loo& for ,a' $o hel+ $he .hil! re.lai% hi

!i#ni$' an! a ene of +o$en.'0 If ,e1re no$ .o%for$a*le le$$in# a$,el-e6'ear6ol! a$$en! an (n(+er-ie! +ar$'/ an! if $ha$ !e.iion +ro6

-o&e *i$$er reen$%en$/ +erha+ $here1 ano$her +ar$ of hi life ,here

,e .an offer hi% %ore .on$rol0 We %i#h$ le$ hi% ha-e %ore a' a*o($




hi ,ar!ro*e/ or hi .(rfe,/ or hi (e of $he .o%+($er0 If 'o( ,an$

a fan.' na%e for $hi/ .all i$ ".o%+ena$or' a($ono%' (++or$05

When I ,a !oin# an erran! one !a' ,i$h %' $hree6'ear6ol!

!a(#h$er/ he ref(e! $o ,al& *a.& $o $he .ar an! hel! a i$6!o,n

$ri&e ri#h$ $here on $he i!e,al&0 L(.&il'/ I ,an1$ in a h(rr'/ o Ire%aine! +leaan$ an! ;($ ,ai$e! her o($0 E-en$(all' he $oo! (+

an! $o%+e! her ,a' *a.&/ ref(in# $o +ea& $o %e0 I ha! a-oi!e!

!oin# an'$hin# o-er$l' .oer.i-e/ *($ $he reali$' ,a $ha$ I #o$ %' ,a'/

he !i!n1$ #e$ her/ an! he ,an1$ ha++' a*o($ i$0 When ,e +(lle!

in$o $he #ara#e/ he anno(n.e! $ha$ he ,an$e! $o $a' in $he .ar an!

li$en $o %(i.0 No$ onl' !i! I le$ her !o o for lon#er $han I or!inar6il'

,o(l! ha-e/ *($ I -ii$e! her +erio!i.all' $o a& if he ,a rea!' $o

.o%e in 'e$0 M' in$en$ ,a $o %a&e (re he &ne,)an! $ha$ he

&ne, I &ne,)$ha$ i$ ,a her !e.iion0 A#ain/ $he i!ea i i%+le7

When 'o( %($ a.$ in a ,a' $ha$ !i%inihe a &i!1 ene of elf6

!e$er%ina$ion o-er here/ %a&e an effor$ $o $ren#$hen i$ o-er $here0

The +ai-e6a##rei-e re+one of a i$6!o,n $ri&e/ of .o(re/

!oen1$ $e$ ( a in$enel' a !oe $he a.$i-e6a##rei-e re+one of

a f(ll6*lo,n $an$r(%0 So%e $ho(#h$f(l a($hor ee $an$r(% a i%+or6

$an$ for heal$h' !e-elo+%en$/ ,hile o$her re#ar! $he% a a i#n $ha$

.hil!ren are fr($ra$e! ,i$h $heir +aren$1 *eha-ior)-er' li&el' for

#oo! reaon)an! !on1$ &no, ho, ele $o e2+re $ha$ fr($ra$ion0

Perha+ ea.h of $hee -ie, .a+$(re +ar$ of $he $r($h +erha+

$an$r(% aren1$ ine-i$a*le or e+e.iall' !eira*le/ on $he one han!/ *($

aren1$ ne.earil' an in!i.a$ion of *a! +aren$in#/ on $he o$her0 In an'

.ae/ ,ha$ %a$$er i $ha$ if an! ,hen $he' !o o..(r/ ,e re+on! a

.on$r(.$i-el' a +oi*le0

R(le n(%*er one7 If 'o(1re in +(*li./ i#nore e-er'one aro(n!

'o(0 The %ore ,orrie! 'o( are a*o($ ho, o$her +eo+le ,ill ;(!#e

'o(r +aren$in# &ill/ $he #rea$er $he .han.e $ha$ 'o(1ll re+on!

,i$h $oo %(.h .on$rol an! $oo li$$le lo-e an! +a$ien.e0 Thi i no$

a*o($ ,ha$ +eo+le $hin& of 'o( i$1 a*o($ ,ha$ 'o(r .hil! nee!0R(le n(%*er $,o7 I%a#ine ho, $hi loo& fro% her +oin$ of -ie,0

So%eone ha-in# a $an$r(% i -er' li&el' afrai! of her o,n ra#e/ $er6




rifie! of *ein# o($ of .on$rol0 8one3(en$l'/ 'o( !o her no fa-or *'

i#norin# her or *' re+on!in# harhl'0 Ue onl' $he %ini%(%

.on$rol ne.ear' $o %a&e (re $ha$ +eo+le 9an!/ le i%+or$an$l'/

+ro+er$': aren1$ in !an#er0 Fo.( on +ro-i!in# .o%for$ an! .al%rea(ran.e0 Le$ $he $an$r(% +la' i$elf o($0 La$er/ 'o( .an $r' $o

a!!re $he (n!er6l'in# .a(e $o#e$her0

Trying "t <ut

One of %' o*;e.$i-e in $hi .ha+$er ha *een $o %a&e i$ .lear ;($ho, of$en ,e e2.l(!e o(r .hil!ren fro% %a&in# .hoi.e $ha$

$he'1re .a+a6*le of %a&in#/ $here*' %iin# o++or$(ni$ie $o hel+

$he% learn an! $o %ee$ $heir nee! for a($ono%'0 To $ha$ en!/ I1-e

offere! o%e real6life e2a%+le of le$$in# .hil!ren .hooe0

The $ro(*le i $ha$ I ha-e no ,a' of &no,in# ,he$her an' of $hoe

e2a%+le are rele-an$ $o your life0 If ,e ,ere i$$in# in $he a%e roo%/

I1! *e a*le $o a& 'o( a*o($/ an! re+on! $o/ 'o(r +e.ifi. .on.ern0

Perha+ I .o(l! %a&e o%e (##e$ion/ *ae! on 'o(r (ni3(e i$(a6

$ion/ for ho, $o hel+ 'o(r .hil! +ar$i.i+a$e %ore of$en or %ore i#6

nifi.an$l'0 Thi *ein# a *oo& an! no$ a ,or&ho+/ ho,e-er/ $he *e$ I

.an !o i $o $(rn $he la$ +ar$ of $hi .ha+$er o-er $o 'o(0 In ea.h of $he

follo,in# $hree a.$i-i$ie/ I1! re.o%%en! $ha$ 'o( in-ol-e 'o(r +o(e

or +ar$ner/ or %a'*e e-en a frien! ,ho i alo a +aren$0

EER8ISE

To *e#in ,i$h/ i$ %a' *e hel+f(l $o .o%e (+ ,i$h o%e

re+one $o .o%%on .enario0 The +oin$ i $o #e$ in $he ha*i$ of

!e-iin# ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie an! $o ee ho, $he' !iffer fro%

$he %ore .o%6%on !oin#6$o re+one0Exaple !+ Yo(r .hil! rei$ #oin# $o *e!/ fir$ +re$en!in# no$ $o

hear 'o( anno(n.e $ha$ i$1 *e!$i%e/ $hen *e##in# for a fe, %ore %in6

($e/ $hen ini$in# $ha$ $here1 onl' one la$ li$$le6*i$$' $hin# $ha$ nee!




$o *e finihe!/ $hen ar#(in# $ha$ i$1 no$ fair $o ha-e $o #o $o *e! o

earl'/ an! finall' ;($ ref(in# in an an#r' -oi.e0

Li$ a fe, .on-en$ional !oin#6$o re+one7

No, $r' $o $hin& of a .o(+le of ,or&in#6,i$h al$erna$i-e7

Exaple B+ La$el'/ 'o(r .hil! ha *e#(n $o a!o+$ an in(l$in#

$one in .on-era$ion ,i$h 'o()or/ +erha+/ ,i$h a i*lin#0

A#ain/ li$ o%e !oin#6$o re+one7



JJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

An! li$ o%e ,or&in#6,i$h al$erna$i-e7

EER8ISE C

No, $hin& of o%e$hin# $ha$ your .hil! ha *een !oin# $ha$

*o$h6er or ,orrie 'o(0 I$ .an *e an i(e !i.(e! in $hi *oo&

or o%e6$hin# I1-e ne#le.$e! $o %en$ion0

Fir$/ !e.ri*e $he +ro*le%0

Le$1 a(%e $ha$ *' no, 'o( ha-e a +re$$' #oo! i!ea of ,ha$

no$ $o !o0 Ta&e a %(.h $i%e a 'o( nee!)%in($e/ ho(r/ e-en

!a')$o in-en$ a .o(+le of i!ea $ha$ %i#h$ ;($ *e %ore

(..ef(l0 <o$ $he% !o,n here0


8ir.le or (n!erline one i!ea on $he li$ $ha$ 'o(1re a.$(all' #oin#

$o $r'0 Then #o $r' i$0 Af$er eno(#h $i%e ha +ae!/ %a&e a no$e

a*o($ ho, ,ell i$ ,or&e!)an!/ +erha+/ ,ha$ 'o( %i#h$ !o!ifferen$l' ne2$ $i%e $o i%+ro-e i$ effe.$i-ene0



Re+ea$ $hi +ro.e one or $,o %ore $i%e/ if 'o( fin! i$ (ef(l0

EER8ISE

No, $ha$ 'o(1-e rea! a*o($ ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie/ .rea$e!

o%e of 'o(r o,n/ an! finall' .rea$e! o%e in re+one $o real

+ro*le% 'o(1-e *een e2+erien.in# ,i$h 'o(r .hil!/ i$1 $i%e for $he

la$ $e+) !e-iin# ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie no$ onl' for 'o(r .hil!

*($ %ith 'o(r .hil!0If 'o(1! li&e $o !o $hi ,i$h a +ro*le% o$her $han $he one 'o(

(e! in $he la$ e2er.ie/ !e.ri*e $ha$ ne, +ro*le%0



THE 8HILD1S PERSPE8TIVE

Ho, !o ,e raie o(r .hil!ren $o *e ha++'@ Tha$1 an i%+or$an$3(e$ion/ *($ here1 ano$her one7 Ho, !o ,e raie o(r .hil!ren

$o *e .on.erne! a*o($ ,he$her other +eo+le are ha++'@

I$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e !on1$ allo, $he fir$ i(e $o (+$a#e $he e.6

on!)or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ $ha$ ,e !on1$ +en! %ore ener#' $r'in# $o #e$

&i! $o *e +oli$e an! ,ell *eha-e! $han on $r'in# $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e

#en(inel' .o%+aiona$e an! .o%%i$$e! $o !oin# $he ri#h$ $hin#0 Wenee! $o fo.( on o(r .hil!ren1 %oral !e-elo+%en$0

To !o o i $o re.a$ -ario( i!ea $ha$ are !i.(e! in o$her

+ar6en$in# *oo&0 For e2a%+le/ "*o(n!arie5 an! "li%i$5 are

((all' $ho(#h$ of a re$ri.$ion $ha$ a!(l$ i%+oe on .hil!ren0

B($ ho(l!n1$ o(r #oal *e for $he .hil!ren $o refrain fro% !oin#

.er$ain $hin# no$ *e.a(e ,e1-e for*i!!en $he%/ *($ ;($ *e.a(e

$he'1re ,ron#@ The li%i$ on &i!1 *eha-ior/ in o$her ,or!/ ho(l!

*e e2+erien.e! a in$rini. $o $he i$(a$ion0 We ,an$ $he% $o a&

"Ho, ,ill !oin# x %a&e $ha$ o$her &i! feel@5)no$ "A% I allo,e! $o

!o x98 or "Will I #e$ in $ro(*le for !oin# x98

Thi i an a%*i$io( #oal/ *($ no$ an (nreali$i. one *e.a(e ,e

ha-e #oo! %a$erial $o ,or& ,i$h0 H(%an *ein# are *orn ,i$h $he

.a+a.i$' $o .are0 Th(/ +aren$ ho+in# $o raie a .hil! ,ho i re+on6




i-e $o $he nee! of o$her alrea!' ha-e "an all' ,i$hin $he .hil!/5

a Mar$in Hoff%an on.e +($ i$0

Of .o(re/ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ &i! ,ill a($o%a$i.all' #ro, in$o

e$hi.al +eo+le if lef$ $o $heir o,n !e-i.e0 The' nee! o(r hel+0 To*e#in ,i$h/ $he' nee! ( $o $o+ !oin# $hin# $ha$ in$erfere ,i$h %oral

#ro,$h/ $hin# li&e +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ ,hi.h are roo$e! in)

an! (n!er.ore a .hil!1 +reo..(+a$ion ,i$h)elf6in$ere$0 The eli%6

ina$ion of $hee $a+le of $ra!i$ional !i.i+line i an i%+or$an$ $e+

$o,ar! hel+in# .hil!ren *e.o%e a$$(ne! $o $he ,ell6*ein# of o$her0

B($ i$1 onl' a in#le $e+0 The (*$ra.$ion of *a! +aren$in# +ra.$i.e

%($ *e a..o%+anie! *' $he a!!i$ion of #oo! one0

5oral ids

(i$e a lo$ of reear.h on $hi $o+i. ha *een .on!(.$e! *' .hil!

!e-el6o+%en$ +e.iali$/ an! +ar$i.(larl' *' $hoe ,ho fo.( on

,ha$1 .alle! "+roo.ial5 *eha-ior0 If ,e if$ $hro(#h $he !a$a/ i$1

+oi*le $o !i$ill e-eral &e' re.o%%en!a$ion for +ro%o$in#

%oral #ro,$h0C 9An!/ *' $he ,a'/ i$1 no$ a .oin.i!en.e $ha$ $hee

i$e% o-erla+ (*6$an$iall' ,i$h o%e of $he (n.on!i$ional

+aren$in# +rin.i+le +re6en$e! in .ha+$er 0:

0 8ARE ABOUT THEM0

The .orner$one of %oral !e-elo+%en$ i $he .onne.$ion *e$,een

+aren$ an! .hil!0 All in$r(.$ion an! in$er-en$ion %($ *e ne$e! in a

rela$ionhi+ $ha$ feel ,ar%/ afe/ an! (n.on!i$ionall' lo-in# $o $he .hil!0

The a%e ,or! &ee+ .o%in# (+ in #(i!eline for raiin# a %oral .hil!

$ha$ are offere! *' !ifferen$ e2+er$7 e.(re a$$a.h%en$/ n(r$(r6an.e/

re+e.$/ re+oni-ene/ an! e%+a$h'0 Thee are *ai. nee! $ha$ all

h(%an *ein# ha-e0 When $hee nee! are %e$/ a .hil! i free! fro%

ha-in# $o *e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h $he% an! .an *e o+en $o hel+in# o$h6er0

B($ if $hee nee! are no$ %e$/ $he' %a' .on$in(e $o re-er*era$e in

T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E



$he .hil!1 ear/ ,i$h $he re(l$ $ha$ he or he i !eaf $o o$her

+eo+le1 .rie of !i$re0

8hil!ren ,ho &no, $he'1re lo-e! feel afer an! le !efeni-e0

Therefore/ $he' $en! $o *e *ol!er a*o($ rea.hin# o($ $o o$her)

in.l(!in# +eo+le ,ho are !ifferen$ fro% $he%el-e0 An! $here1 a ni.e*on(7 8hil!ren ,ho are e.(rel' a$$a.he! $o $heir +aren$ are no$

onl' %ore re+oni-e $o o$her $he'1re alo %ore li&el' $o *e

aer$i-e an! in!e+en!en$/ $o !i$in#(ih $he%el-e a o.iall'

.o%+e$en$ an! +'.holo#i.all' heal$h' on a ran#e of %ea(re0

C0 SHOW THEM HOW A MORAL PERSON LIVES0

E-en *efore $he'1re $ea!' on $heir fee$/ .hil!ren are oa&in# (+

'o(r -al(e0 The'1re learnin# fro% 'o( ho, $o *e a h(%an *ein#0 If

$he' ee 'o( non.halan$l' ,al& *' o%eone in $ro(*le/ $he' learn $ha$

o$her +eo+le1 +ain i no *(ine of $heir0 B($ if $he' ee 'o( ho,6

in# .on.ern/ e-en for $ran#er/ $ha$ $ea.he a +o,erf(l %oral leon0

S$(!ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ .hil!ren are %ore li&el' $o !ona$e $o .hari$' if

$he'1-e ,a$.he! o%eone ele !o o/ e-en if i$ ,a a lon# $i%e a#o0

The effe.$ on .hil!ren1 *eha-ior an! *elief i +ar$i.(larl'

+rono(n.e! if $he e2a%+le i e$ *' +eo+le ,ho% $he .hil! re#ar! a

,ar% an! n(r$(rin#0 Si%ilarl'/ +aren$ ,ho ,an$ $o $ea.h $he

i%+or$an.e of hone$' %a&e i$ a +ra.$i.e ne-er $o lie $o $heir .hil!ren/

e-en ,hen i$ ,o(l! *e eaier ;($ $o .lai% $ha$ $here are no .oo&ie

lef$ ra$her $han $o e2+lain ,h' $he' .an1$ ha-e ano$her one0

We .an alo e$ an e2a%+le *' ho,in# &i! $ha$ no$ all e$hi.al

!e.iion are ea' .all0 I$ .an *e $erri*l' !iffi.(l$ $o #ra++le ,i$h a i$6

(a$ion $ha$ ee% $o +i$ $,o -al(e 9a'/ hone$' an! .o%+aion:

a#ain$ one ano$her0 I$ .an alo *e har! $o &no, ho, %(.h ,ei#h$ $o

#i-e ano$her +eron1 +referen.e ,hen 'o(1! ra$her !o o%e$hin#

ele0 Ta&e .hil!ren "*a.&$a#e5 an! le$ $he% ee ho, 'o( $hin&)an!

feel)'o(r ,a' $hro(#h a !ile%%a0 The' %a' learn o%e$hin# a*o($$he +ro.e *' ,hi.h 'o( $r' $o li-e a %oral life/ *($/ %ore i%+or$an$/

$he'1ll fi#(re o($ $ha$ %orali$' i rarel' .($6an!6!rie!0




3. LET THEM PRA8TI8E0

A i%+or$an$ a i$ i $o ,a$.h/ +eo+le alo learn *' !oin#0 There6

fore/ i$ %a&e ene $o #i-e .hil!ren +len$' of o++or$(ni$ie $o hel+0 If

&i! are re+oni*le for loo&in# o($ for a 'o(n#er i*lin# or $a&in# .are

of a +e$/ $he'1re +ro-i!e! ,i$h a li-in# leon in $he effe.$ of .arin#0

The'1-e no$ onl' hear! a*o($ i$ an! een i$)$he'1-e !one i$0 Thi alo

lea! $he% $o !efine $he%el-e a hel+f(l +eo+le0

Tha$1 one reaon $he *e$ $ea.her arran#e $heir .laroo% o

$ha$ .hil!ren fre3(en$l' learn fro% one ano$her0 Li$erall' h(n!re! of

$(!6ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ $(!en$ $hin& %ore !ee+l' ,hen $he' .an

+ool $heir reo(r.e/ +($ $heir hea! $o#e$her/ an! ;oin$l' !e-ie

+ro*le%6ol-in# $ra$e#ie0 B($ $he' alo learn o%e$hin# $ha$ #oe

far *e'on! a.a!e%i.7 The' learn $o .are a*o($ o$her +eo+le0

8oo+era$ion i an een$iall' h(%aniin# e2+erien.e $ha$ +re!i+oe

+ar$i.i+an$ $o a *ene-olen$ -ie, of o$her0 I$ en.o(ra#e $r($/

eni$i-i$'/ o+en .o%6%(ni.a$ion/ an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ hel+f(lne0 B'

.on$ra$/ raiin# or $ea.h6in# .hil!ren in a .o%+e$i$i-e or %o$l'in!i-i!(ali$i. en-iron%en$ no$ onl' !e+ri-e $he% of $hee *enefi$

*($ i a.$(all' !e$r(.$i-e0 In fa.$/ one #ro(+ of reear.her .on.l(!e!

$ha$ ".o%+e$i$ion %a' er-e $o (++re #eneroi$' $o o$her $o a

#rea$er e2$en$ $han .oo+era$ion er-e $o enhan.e i$05

0 TALK WITH THEM0

For +aren$/ $here are $,o *ai. al$erna$i-e $o $he (e of +o,er7

lo-e an! reaon0 The i!eal i $o +ro-i!e o%e *len! of $he $,o/ one

!ra,in# fro% $he hear$ an! $he o$her fro% $he hea!0 Un.on!i$ional

lo-e/ of .o(re/ ha *een a .en$ral $he%e of $hi *oo&0 B($ ,e alo

nee! $o (n!er$an! $he i%+or$an.e of reaon/ an! +e.ifi.all' i$

rele-an.e $o %oral !e-elo+%en$0 Be.a(e i$1 a *i$ %ore .o%+li.a$e!

$han $he +re-io( $hree i$e%/ I ,an$ $o lin#er on i$ a *i$ lon#er0Paren$ ,ho are erio( a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren $o *e !e.en$ +eo6+le

+en! an a,f(l lo$ of $i%e #(i!in# $he% an! e2+lainin# $hin# $o $he%0 I$1

no$ eno(#h for ( $o ha-e #oo! -al(e $hee -al(e %($ *e




.o%%(ni.a$e! !ire.$l' an! in a ,a' $ha$1 fi$$e! $o $he .hil!1 a*ili$'

$o (n!er$an!0 If ,e fail $o !o $hi/ o(r &i! ,ill $ill *e infl(en.e! *'

(/ onl' no$ in $he ,a' ,e1! ho+e!0 For e2a%+le/ $o a' no$hin#

,hen a .hil! a.$ elfihl' i $o en! a .lear %ea#e/ an! $ha$%ea#e ha %ore $o !o ,i$h $he a..e+$a*ili$' of elfihne $han

i$ !oe ,i$h $he -ir$(e of nonin$r(i-e +aren$in#0

We nee! $o e$a*lih .lear %oral #(i!eline/ $o *e e2+li.i$ a*o($

,ha$ ,e e2+e.$/ *($ in a ,a' $ha$ %ini%ie .oer.ion0 Ye/ $here ha

$o *e o%e for.e *ehin! ,ha$ ,e a' $o $he% 9a*o($ ho, o$her +eo6

+le ho(l!/ an! ho(l!n1$/ *e $rea$e!:/ *($ i$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ for.e i$elf

!oen1$ *e.o%e $he %ea#e0 If i$ !oe/ ,e .rea$e a .li%a$e of fear $ha$ #e$ in $he ,a' of learnin#0 If ,e lea! &i! $o ,orr' $ha$ !oin# *a!

$hin# ,ill re(l$ in $he ,i$h!ra,al of o(r lo-e/ all ,e *(' i $e%6+orar'

.o%+lian.e ,i$ho($ (n!er$an!in# or in$rini. %o$i-a$ion0

B($ le$1 $a&e $hi a $e+ f(r$her0 Moral learnin# no$ onl' !oen1$

.o%e fro% 'ellin#/ i$ !oen1$ e-en .o%e fro% $ellin#0 A i%+le +rohi6

*i$ion 9"Don1$ !o $ha$5: in1$ -er' hel+f(l0 In fa.$/ i$ %a' %a&e a .hil!

%ore ,ar' in #eneral/ le li&el' $o rea.h o($ e-en $o hel+0 A li#h$l'

%ore +e.ifi. en$en.e (.h a "We !on1$ hi$ +eo+le45 in1$ %(.h *e$6

$er0 To (++or$ %oral !e-elo+%en$/ o(r %ea#e .an1$ *e i%+l' $ha$

hi$$in# i *a!)or $ha$ harin# i #oo!0 Wha$ .o(n$ i hel+in# &i! $o

(n!er$an! %hy $hee $hin# are $r(e0 When 'o( !on1$ e2+lain ,h'/

$he !efa(l$ reaon no$ $o hi$ i $ha$ 'o(1ll *e +(nihe! if 'o( !o0

B' +a$ien$l' la'in# o($ reaon/ ,e a..o%+lih $,o $hin# a$ on.e0

Fir$/ ,e le$ &i! &no, ,ha$1 i%+or$an$ $o ( an! ,h'0 Se.on!/ ,e

en#a#e $heir %in!/ hel+in# $he% $o refle.$ on)in!ee!/ $o ,re$le

,i$h)%oral 3(e$ion0 The (e of reaon +ro%o$e in!e+en!en$

$ho(#h$ an! %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ ,hile ,e ,an$ $o infl(en.e o(r .hil6

!ren/ ,e alo ,an$ $he% $o $hin& for $he%el-e0 Thee effe.$ ha-e

*een *orne o($ *' reear.h7 On.e $he'1-e #ro,n (+/ .hil!ren ,hoe

+aren$ offere! e2+lana$ion ra$her $han ;($ !e%an!in# o*e!ien.e

$(rn o($ $o *e %ore in.line! $o a.$ al$r(i$i.all' ,hen i$ reall' .o(n$

9a..or!in# $o one $(!': an! are %ore li&el' $o *e.o%e +oli$i.all'

a.$i-e an! in-ol-e! in o.ial er-i.e a.$i-i$ie 9a..or!in# $o ano$her:0




So7 Be$$er $han 'ellin# i $ellin#0 Be$$er $han $ellin# i e2+lainin#0

No, le$1 a!!7 Be$$er $han e2+lainin#)or *e$$er $han only e2+lain6in#

)i !i.(in#0 Learnin# an'$hin# 9a'/ %a$h: i no$ %o$l' a %a$6$er

of re.ei-in# infor%a$ion0 Peo+le aren1$ +ai-e re.e+$a.le in$o ,hi.h&no,le!#e i +o(re!0 We (n!er$an! i!ea *' a.$i-el' %a&in# ene

of $he% fro% $he ini!e o($0 Wha$ i $r(e of %a$h i $r(e of -al6(e0 To

e2+lain $heir i%+or$an.e/ ho,e-er elo3(en$l'/ i (nli&el' $o lea-e

.hil!ren ,i$h a .o%%i$%en$ $o an' i!eal0 Ki! ha-e no reaon $o

.on$in(e !oin# ,ha$1 ri#h$ if $he' ha-en1$ in$e#ra$e! ,ha$ ,e1re $ellin#

$he% in$o $he ,a' $he' $hin& a*o($ $he ,orl!0 If ,e ,an$ $he% $o

*e.o%e %oral +eo+le/ a o++oe! $o +eo+le ,ho %erel' !o ,ha$

$he'1re $ol!/ $hen $he' ha-e $o *e #i-en $he .han.e $o .on$r(.$ (.h

.on.e+$ a fairne or .o(ra#e for $he%el-e0 The' ha-e $o *e a*le

$o rein-en$ $he% in li#h$ of $heir o,n e2+erien.e an! 3(e$ion/ $o fi#6

(re o($ 9,i$h o(r hel+: ,ha$ &in! of +eron one o(#h$ $o *e0

All of $hi i .oni$en$/ of .o(re/ ,i$h %' earlier e%+hai on (+6

+or$in# &i!1 a($ono%'0 Here/ %' +oin$ i $o e%+haie $he rele-an.e of

$ha$ i!ea $o %orali$'0 In!ee!/ one $(!' fo(n! $ha$ $he %o$ i%+re6i-e

%oral #ro,$h $oo& +la.e in .hil!ren 9of -ario( a#e: ,hoe +ar6en$

!i!n1$ ;($ $al& a$ $he% *($ en#a#e! in !ialo#(e ,i$h $he%0 The *e$

re(l$ .a%e ,hen +aren$ ,ere (++or$i-e an! en.o(ra#in# *' "eli.i$in#

$he .hil!1 o+inion/ a&in# .larif'in# 3(e$ion/ +ara+hra6in#/ an!

.he.&in# for (n!er$an!in#05 O$her reear.h ha fo(n!/ %ore *roa!l'/

$ha$ &i! ,ho are en.o(ra#e! $o *e.o%e a.$i-el' in-ol-e! in !e.iion

%a&in# $en! $o e2hi*i$ hi#her6le-el %oral reaonin#0J

The +ro.e of (++or$in# .hil!ren1 a($ono%' .an $a&e e-eral

for%0 A$ a %ini%(%/ ,e ,an$ $o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $heir o+inion

.o(n$ *' li$enin# .aref(ll' an! #i-in# $heir -ie, a re+e.$f(l hearin#0

B($ Maril'n Wa$on/ an e2+er$ on .hil! !e-elo+%en$/ alo (##e$

$ha$ ,e refrain fro% "re+on!in# ,i$h $he f(ll for.e of o(r ar#(%en$ $o

;($if' o(r o,n +oi$ion/ $here*' o-er,hel%in# .hil!ren ,i$h o(r lo#i.05 In fa.$/ ,e ho(l! "hel+ .hil!ren !e-elo+ reaon $o (++or$

$heir o,n -ie,/ e-en if ,e !on1$ a#ree ,i$h $hoe -ie,05

Wa$on offer $he follo,in# e2a%+le7 S(++oe 'o(r .hil! ,an$T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E




*a.&)or ,ore05 Si%ilarl'/ (.h +aren$ %a' e2+lain $ha$ $he reaon

$o hel+ o$her i $ha$ $he .hil! ,ill (l$i%a$el' *enefi$7 "If 'o( #i-e Mar6

ha a $(rn on 'o(r .oo$er/ %a'*e he1ll le$ 'o( +la' ,i$h her Le#o

la$er05 In o$her ,or!/ +eo+le ,ill $rea$ 'o( $he ,a' 'o( $rea$e! $he%08an 'o( ee $he +ro*le% here@ Thi $ra$e#' !oen1$ +ro%o$e

#en6(ine .on.ern for o$her a$ all0 I$ +ro%o$e elf6re#ar!in#

hre,!ne0 So%e &i! %a' *e $e%+$e! $o !o h(r$f(l $hin# if $he'

.an fi#(re o($ a ,a' $o a-oi! (fferin# an' re+er.(ion

$he%el-e)an! $he' %a' ,on!er ,h' $he' ho(l! *o$her hel+in#

o$her if $he' #e$ no$hin# in re$(rn0 Tha$1 ,h' i$1 o i%+or$an$ for

+aren$ no$ onl' $o reaon ,i$h .hil!ren *($ $o reaon ,i$h $he% in

a ,a' $ha$ hel+ $he% $o *e.o%e %oral in!i-i!(al/ no$ ;($

in!i-i!(al ,ho al,a' a&7 "Wha$1 in i$ for %e@5

In .ha+$er J/ I (##e$e! $ha$ +raie for !oin# o%e$hin# #enero(

#e$ &i! fo.(e! on our a++ro-al of $heir *eha-ior/ an! $herefore $ha$ ,e

%i#h$ in$ea! $r' $o !ra, $heir a$$en$ion $o $he effe.$ of $heir a.$ion on $he

+eron $he' hel+e!0 9"When 'o( #i-e Marha a $(rn on 'o(r .oo$er/ he

#e$ $o ha-e f(n/ $oo/ an! $ha$ %a&e her ha++'05: E2a.$l' $he a%e

a++roa.h %a&e ene ,hen &i! !o o%e$hin# h(r$f(l7 Ra$her $han

#e$$in# $he% fo.(e! on our !ia++ro-al/ ,e ho(l! #en$l' in-i$e $he% $o

$hin& a*o($ $he effe.$ on $he +eron $he' h(r$0 We %i#h$ a' $o a -er'

'o(n# .hil!7 "Oh/ no4 Loo& a$ Ma21 fa.e4 He ee% -er' (nha++'/

!oen1$ he@ Re%e%*er ho, 'o( fell !o,n la$ ,ee& an! 'o( ,ere .r'in#

*e.a(e i$ h(r$ a lo$@ I1% afrai! $ha$1 ho, 'o( %a!e Ma2 feel0 Wha$ !o

'o( $hin& 'o( .o(l! !o $o hel+ hi% feel *e$$er no,@5

"Ue 'o(r ,or!45 i a .o%%on in$r(.$ion #i-en $o %all .hil!ren/

o%e$i%e e-en ,hen $he' !on1$ reall' ha-e $he ri#h$ ,or!0 B($ $he *e$

,a' for ( $o (e our ,or! i $o hel+ &i! ee $ha$ $he reaon $o hel+)

an! no$ $o h(r$)in1$ ,ha$ $he'1ll #e$ o($ of i$/ *($ $he effe.$ $heir a.$ion

ha-e on o$her0 To +($ i$ !ifferen$l'/ I1% all in fa-or of $ea.hin# *'

".one3(en.e/5 a lon# a $he .one3(en.e ,e1re $re6in# are $hoe

e2+erien.e! *' $he +eo+le o(r .hil!ren are in$era.$in# ,i$h ra$her $han

;($ $hoe $ha$ $he' $he%el-e e2+erien.e0

Man' reear.her ha-e follo,e! Mar$in Hoff%an in referrin# $o $hiT H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E




fo(n! ,an$in# if $he' fail $o +rin&le $heir .on-era$ion ,i$h $he

o*li#a$or' o.ial ni.e$ie0

The ol($ion for %e .a%e fro% $hin&in# a*o($ please an! thank

you a ,a' $o %a&e +eo+le feel #oo! ra$her $han a +oli$ene for i$o,n a&e0 I re%in! %' &i! $ha$ a'in# $hee ,or! i a ni.e $hin# $o

!o *e.a(e +eo+le li&e $o hear $he%0 S(re/ $here are %ore %eanin#f(l

,a' $o hel+ an! +leae o$her/ *($ ,h' no$ !o e-er'$hin# ,e .an/ *i#

an! %all/ $o,ar! $ha$ #oal@ Don1$ a' $han& 'o( *e.a(e 'o(1re

afrai! I1ll #e$ %a! a$ 'o( if 'o( !on1$ $ha$1 a $erri*le reaon0 Don1$ a'

$han& 'o( *e.a(e i$1 +oli$e $ha$1 no$ %(.h of a reaon a$ all0 Sa'

$han& 'o( *e.a(e of i$ effe.$ on $he +eo+le 'o(1re $han&in#0

Perspective Taking

One !a'/ a$ $he a#e of $hree/ %' on/ Aa/ ha! a re-ela$ion a*o($ a

frien! of hi0 In a $one of ,on!er/ he anno(n.e!/ "Da-i! $a' a$

hi ho(e al,a'45 Of .o(re/ he alrea!' &ne, $ha$ af$er ,e -ii$

Da-i!/ ,e #o ho%e ,i$ho($ hi%0 B($ no, he ,a *e#innin# $o $hin&

a*o($ ,ha$ ha++en af$er ,e lea-e/ ho, Da-i! a' #oo!6*'e $o

( an! $hen .on$in(e $o li-e in hi ho(e/ ;($ a ,e li-e in o(r0

Aa ,a %a&in# ene of $he fa.$ $ha$ Da-i! ha a life $ha$ in1$

!e+en!en$ on hi%/ one $ha$ (nfol! +arallel $o hi o,n0

To $e+ o($i!e one1 o,n -ie,+oin$/ $o .oni!er ho, $he ,orl! loo&

$o ano$her +eron/ i/ ,hen 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ one of $he %o$ re%ar&a*le

.a+a*ili$ie of $he h(%an %in!0 P'.holo#i$ .all i$ "+er6+e.$i-e $a&in#/5

an! i$ .o%e in $hree fla-or0 The fir$ i +a$ial7 I .an i%a#ine ho, 'o(

li$erall' see $he ,orl!/ (.h $ha$ ,ha$1 on %' ri#h$ i on 'o(r lef$ ,hen

,e1re fa.in# one ano$her0 In $he e.on! $'+e/ I .an i%a#ine ho, 'o( think

a*o($ $hin#)for e2a%+le/ ho, 'o( %i#h$ ha-e $ro(*le ol-in# a +ro*le%

$ha$1 ea' for %e/ or ho, 'o( %i#h$ hol! *elief a*o($/ a'/ raiin#

.hil!ren $ha$ are !ifferen$ fro% %ine0 The $hir! &in! .oni$ of i%a#inin#

ho, 'o( )eel, ho, o%e$hin# .o(l! (+e$ 'o( e-en if i$ !oen1$ ha-e $ha$

effe.$ on %e0 9Thi la$ $'+e




of +er+e.$i-e $a&in# i o%e$i%e .onf(e! ,i$h "e%+a$h'/5 ,hi.h

%ean $ha$ I hare 'o(r feelin#0 To e%+a$hie in1$ ;($ $o (n!er$an!

$ha$ 'o(1re an#r' *($ a.$(all' $o feel an#r' alon# ,i$h 'o(0:

<ean Pia#e$/ ,ho +ioneere! $he $(!' of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#/

*elie-e! i$ ,a o%e$hin# .hil!ren .o(l!n1$ !o (n$il $he' ,ere a*o($e-en 'ear ol!0 No,/ ho,e-er/ i$ a++ear $ha$ $he %ea(re%en$

$e.h6ni3(e he (e! ,ere ;($ $oo .o%+li.a$e! for 'o(n#er &i! $o

ho, ,ha$ $he' ,ere .a+a*le of (n!er$an!in#0 E-en *efore

&in!er#ar$en/ a .hil! %a' in!ee! *e a*le $o !o a r(!i%en$ar' for% of

+er+e.$i-e $a&in#0 She &no, $ha$ o$her +eo+le %i#h$ *e .ol! e-en

$ho(#h he1 ,ar%/ or a! e-en $ho(#h he1 ha++'0 She *e#in $o

re.o#nie $ha$ Da!!' !oen1$ &no, $he ,or! $o $ha$ on# *e.a(e he

,an1$ in .hool ,hen i$ ,a (n#0 She .an or$ of (n!er$an! $ha$

e-en $ho(#h he ,an$ $o +la' ,i$h $ha$ o$her &i!1 %ar&er/ he1ll

+ro*a*l' *e.o%e (+e$ if $he'1re na$.he! a,a'0 Tr(e/ he %a' no$

*e a*le $o !o $hee $hin# .oni$en$l')or $o a.$ on ,ha$ he realie

in e-er' in$an.e0 B($ 3(i$e earl' on ,e #e$ $hee $,in&lin# #li%+e

of a .a+a*ili$' $ha$ ,ill #ro, $ea!ier ,i$h $i%e0

Gi-en $ha$ $he a*ili$' $o i%a#ine o$her +eo+le1 +oin$ of -ie, i

an a.$ of $he i%a#ina$ion/ a ,a' of $hin&in# !ifferen$l'/ 'o( %a' no$

*e (r+rie! $o learn $ha$ $hoe ,ho are a!e+$ a$ i$ are li&el' $o *e

i%+rei-e $hin&er in o$her ,a'/ $oo0 B($ %' +ri%ar' in$ere$ in

+er6+e.$i-e $a&in# here i e$hi.al ra$her $han in$elle.$(al0 Wha$

,e1re $al&6in# a*o($/ af$er all/ i 3(i$e li$erall' $he o++oi$e of elf6

.en$ere!ne/ an! $herefore i$ offer a fo(n!a$ion for %orali$'0

Peo+le ,ho .an)an! !o)$hin& a*o($ ho, o$her e2+erien.e $he

,orl! are %ore li&el' $o rea.h o($ an! hel+ $hoe +eo+le)or/ a$ a %in6

i%(%/ are le li&el' $o har% $he%0 Kaf&a on.e !e.ri*e! ,ar a a

"%on$ro( fail(re of i%a#ina$ion05 In or!er $o &ill/ one %($ .eae $o

ee in!i-i!(al h(%an *ein# an! in$ea! re!(.e $he% $o a*$ra.6$ion

(.h a "$he ene%'05 One %($ fail $o realie $ha$ ea.h +eron

(n!ernea$h o(r *o%* i $he .en$er of hi (ni-ere ;($ a 'o( are $he.en$er of 'o(r7 He #e$ $he fl(/ ,orrie a*o($ hi a#e! %o$her/ li&e

,ee$/ fall in lo-e)e-en $ho(#h he li-e half a ,orl! a,a' an!



CC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G

+ea& a !ifferen$ lan#(a#e0 To ee $hin# fro% hi +oin$ of -ie, i

$o re.o#nie all $he +ar$i.(lar $ha$ %a&e hi% h(%an/ an!

(l$i%a$el' i$ i $o (n!er$an! $ha$ hi life i no le -al(a*le $han

'o(r0 E-en in +o+(lar en$er$ain%en$/ ,e1re no$ ho,n $he *a!#(' a$ ho%e ,i$h $heir .hil!ren0 One .an .heer $he !ea$h onl' of a

.ari.a$(re/ no$ of a $hree6!i%enional +eron0

Le !ra%a$i.all'/ %an' of $he o.ial +ro*le% ,e en.o(n$er on a

!ail' *ai .an *e (n!er$oo! a a fail(re of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#0 Peo6

+le ,ho li$$er/ or *lo.& $raffi. *' !o(*le6+ar&in#/ or ri+ +a#e o($ of

li*rar' *oo&/ ee% $o *e lo.&e! in$o $he%el-e/ (na*le or (n,illin#

$o i%a#ine ho, o$her ,ill ha-e $o loo& a$ $heir #ar*a#e/ or %ane(-er

$heir .ar aro(n! $he%/ or fail $o fin! a .ha+$er $he' nee!0

To ,or& on eein# $hin# a o$her ee $he% i $o li-e a -er'

!if6feren$ or$ of life0 Yo(1re i$$in# in a $hea$er/ .ranin# 'o(r ne.& $o

ee aro(n! $he hea! of $he +eron in fron$ of 'o( an! #ro,in#

in.rea6in#l' irri$a$e! a$ $hi in.on-enien.e0 S(!!enl'/ i$ !a,n on

'o( $ha$ $he +eron in $he ro, *ehin! %a' re#ar! 'o( in e2a.$l'

$he a%e ,a'7 Yo( are no$ onl' *lo.&e! *($ *lo.&in#0

Or .oni!er a !ifferen$ &in! of e2a%+le0 While %an' +eo+le !i6

%i $hoe ,i$h ,ho% $he' !ia#ree 9"Ho, .an he hol! $ha$ +oi$ion

on a*or$ion45:/ $hoe a..($o%e! $o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# $en! $o $(rn an

e2.la%a$ion +oin$ in$o a 3(e$ion %ar& 9"Ho, can he hol! $ha$

+oi$ion on a*or$ion@ Wha$ e2+erien.e/ a(%+$ion/ or (n!erl'in#

-al(e ha-e le! her $o a -ie, o !ifferen$ fro% %' o,n@5:0 Tha$ effor$

$o $e+ o($i!e oneelf i ,ha$ ,e ho(l! $r' $o .(l$i-a$e in o(r &i!0

There are !ifferen$ le-el of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#/ of .o(re/ an!

%ore o+hi$i.a$e! -erion %a' el(!e -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren0 The

*e$ ,e %a' *e a*le $o ho+e for in $he .ae of a fo(r6'ear6ol! i

$he ra$her +ri%i$i-e e$hi. of $he Gol!en R(le0 We %i#h$ a' 9in a

$one $ha$ o(n! li&e an in-i$a$ion $o refle.$/ ra$her $han a

re+ri%an!:/ "I no$i.e 'o( fin6ihe! all $he ;(i.e an! !i!n1$ lea-e an'for A%'0 Ho, !o 'o( $hin& 'o( ,o(l! feel if A%' ha! !one $ha$@5

The +re%ie of $hi 3(e$ion/ +ro*6a*l' .orre.$/ i $ha$ *o$h &i!

li&e ;(i.e an! ,o(l! *e !ia++oin$e! $o fin! none a-aila*le0





"O&a'/5 ,e %i#h$ a' af$er a *lo,(+0 "Tell %e ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!/

*($ +re$en! 'o(1re 'o(r *ro$her an! !e.ri*e ho, $hin# %i#h$

ha-e ee%e! $o hi%05C

Finall'/ ,e .an hel+ 'o(n#er .hil!ren *e.o%e %ore eni$i-e $oo$h6er1 e%o$ion *' #en$l' !ire.$in# $heir a$$en$ion $o o%eone1

$one of -oi.e/ +o$(re/ or fa.ial e2+reion an! in-i$in# $he% $o

refle.$ on ,ha$ $ha$ +eron %i#h$ *e $hin&in# an! ho, he or he

%i#h$ *e feelin#0 The +oin$ i $o *(il! a &ill 9learnin# ho, $o rea!

o$her +eo+le:/ *($ alo $o +ro%o$e a !i+oi$ion 9%anting $o &no,

ho, o$her are feelin#/ an! *ein# ,illin# $o fi#(re i$ o($:0 "I &no,

Gran!%a ai! i$ ,o(l! *e o&a' $o #o on ano$her ,al& ,i$h 'o(/ *($I no$i.e! $ha$ he +a(e! a fe, e.on! *efore a#reein#0 An! !i!

'o( ee ho, $ire! he ee%e! ,hen he a$ !o,n ;($ no,@5

The -er' a.$ of $ea.hin# &i! $o +i.& (+ on (.h .(e .an hel+

$he% $o !e-elo+ $he ha*i$ of eein# %ore !ee+l' in$o o$her0 I$

en.o(ra#e $he% $o e2+erien.e $he ,orl! a ano$her +eron !oe/

an! +erha+ $o #e$ a feel for ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o be $ha$ o$her +eron0

Thi i a %a;or $e+ $o,ar! ,an$in# $o hel+ ra$her $han $o h(r$)

an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ $o,ar! *e.o%in# a *e$$er +eron oneelf0

Through 2our Child0s Eyes

While +er+e.$i-e $a&in# i o%e$hin# ,e ,an$ $o .o%%(ni.a$e to

o(r .hil!ren/ i$1 alo -i$al $ha$ ,e $a&e $he +er+e.$i-e o) o(r

.hil!ren0 Thi i/ in i$elf/ a %a;or hif$ of +er+e.$i-e0 We .an hel+

a .hil! learn $o i%a#ine ano$her +eron1 +oin$ of -ie,/ *($ a

+aren$ o(r fir$ +rior6i$' %($ *e $o i%a#ine ho, $hin# loo& fro%

$he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,0 Tha$1 no$ ;($ a ,a' $o %o!el $hi

+ar$i.(lar &ill7 I$1 a $a+le of #oo! +aren$in#/ +erio!0

Per+e.$i-e $a&in# i reall' a .o%%on !eno%ina$or of %an' !if6

feren$ +oin$ I1-e *een %a&in# $hro(#ho($ $hi *oo&0 For e2a%+le/ $he

effe.$ of +(nih%en$)(.h a .a(in# .hil!ren $o fo.( %o$l' on

no$ #e$$in# .a(#h$)*e.o%e %(.h %ore o*-io( on.e ,e ee $hin#




o($i!e0 Tha$/ in $(rn/ hel+ &i! $o feel #oo! a*o($ $he%el-e an!

$o feel afe ,i$h (/ .onne.$e! $o (/ -al(e! *' (0

(e set an e#am$le! en.o(ra#in# $he .hil!/ $oo/ $o !o

+er+e.$i-e $a&in#0

The $ro(*le i $ha$ %an' +eo+le fin! +er+e.$i-e $a&in# har! $o

!o0 When an infan$ i .r'in#/ %o$ of ( ,ill $r' $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$1

*o$herin# her0 B($ ,e %a' *e le ,illin# $o i%a#ina$i-el' en$er $he

,orl! of an ol!er .hil! ,ho i 'ellin# an! $a%+in# her fee$0 Here

o(r fir$ i%+(le %a' *e $o *la%e or .on$rol ra$her $han $o (n!er6

$an!0 Para!o2i.all'/ $ho(#h/ $he i$(a$ion in ,hi.h ,e1re lea$

li&el' $o !o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# are $hoe ,here i$1 %o$ i%+or$an$

$ha$ ,e !o o0 If 'o( .an1$ e.a+e 'o(r o,n +oin$ of -ie,/ $hen i$1

har!er $o li$en/ har!er $o a.&no,le!#e $ha$ $here1 ano$her le#i$i6

%a$e ,a' of (n!er$an!in# ,ha$1 #oin# on/ har!er $o re.o#nie

ho, $he *a$$le $ha$1 li&el' $o er(+$ .o(l! ha-e *een a-oi!e!0 The

%ore 'o( allo, 'o(relf $o re%ain $ra++e! in 'o(r o,n +er+e.$i-e/

$he %ore 'o(1ll *e $e%+$e! $o re-er$ $o .oer.ion)an! $he ,ore

$hin# ,ill #e$0

The a*en.e of +aren$al +er+e.$i-e $a&in# a(%e %an' for%0

A$ i$ %o$ !i$(r*in#/ i$ .an ree%*le)or lea! $o)an ($$er !i%ial

of ,ha$ .hil!ren are feelin# or an a$$e%+$ $o i%+oe o(r e2+erien.e on

$heir 9a in $he .lai. "I1% .ol!0 Go +($ on a ,ea$er05:0 More

.o%%onl'/ ,e i%+l' fail $o a++re.ia$e ho, !ifferen$ $heir ,orl!/ an!

$heir ,orrie/ are fro% o(r0 One !a' ,hen %' !a(#h$er ,a fi-e/ he

!e.ri*e! $o %e a$ o%e len#$h ho, .on.erne! he ,a a*o($ $he

+oi*ili$' $ha$/ if he ,ore a hoo!e! .o$(%e for Hallo,een 9,hi.h

,a $ill %on$h a,a':/ he %i#h$ no$ *e a*le $o ee $hro(#h $he e'e6

hole ,ell eno(#h $o %a&e (re he !i!n1$ %i$a&enl' ea$ a &in! of

.an!' he !oen1$ reall' li&e0

The la$ $hin# a .hil! nee! i $o *e infor%e! $ha$ her an2ie$ie are

ill'0 Thi i e+e.iall' $r(e ,hen a .hil! i o**in#0 To o(r ,a' of $hin&in#/ li$$le &i! of$en .r' o-er no$hin#/ *($ $o $he%/ i$1 no$ no$h6in#

a$ all7 Wha$ +ro%+$e! $he o($*(r$ %a$$er a #rea$ !eal0 We feel




e2a+era$e!)an!/ if ,e1re in +(*li./ e%*arrae!)*' a .hil!1

o($6*(r$/ *($ ,e ee% $o for#e$ $ha$ $he e2+erien.e %a' *e

a#oniin# ra$her $han %erel' anno'in# for $he .hil!0

S(re/ i$1 har! $o *e a +aren$0 B($ i$ .an *e a lo$ har!er $o *e a &i!0 We!on1$ %ean $o %a&e $he% feel foolih or (n(++or$e!/ *($ $ha$1 ;($ ,ha$

ha++en ,hen ,e $ri-ialie $heir fear or $heir $ear0 We loe +a$ien.e

,i$h a +re.hooler7 "8o%e on, hone'4 Wha$ !ifferen.e !oe i$ %a&e

,he$her 'o(r lef$ o.& #oe on *efore 'o(r ri#h$ one@5 We a(%e

+i$ile lo#i. ,ill reol-e a $een1 inner $(r%oil7 "Well/ ;($ a& her o($ if

'o( li&e her0 The ,or$ $ha$ .an ha++en i he a' no/ ri#h$@

Yo(1ll #e$ o-er i$05Sho(l!n1$ ,e &no, *e$$er@ Af$er all/ .ien$ifi. reear.h ha +ro-e!

$ha$ %o$ a!(l$ ,ere .hil!ren $he%el-e a$ one $i%e or ano$her0

Ha-e ,e ;($ for#o$$en ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o ha-e o(r ,orl! $(rne! (+i!e

!o,n *' $hin# #ro,n6(+ !on1$ (n!er$an!)an!/ ,ore/ ,ha$ i$1

li&e $o ha-e $hoe feelin# ,ri$$en off *' $he a%e #ro,n6(+@

So%e $hera+i$ ha-e a +ro-o.a$i-e an,er $o $hee 3(e$ion0

Ali.e Miller/ for e2a%+le/ ar#(e $ha$ $here1 no$hin# +ara!o2i.al or

+ar$i.(larl' (r+riin# a*o($ (.h *eha-ior0 She *elie-e i$1 no$

a..(ra$e $o a' $ha$ o %an' +aren$ !i%i $heir .hil!ren1 fear/

or fail $o ee $hin# fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,/ in spite o) ha-in#

#one $hro(#h $hi $he%el-e0 Ra$her/ $he' !o o because $he'

,en$ $hro(#h $hi $he%el-e0 I$1 har! $o a!o+$ $he +er+e.$i-e of

a .hil! *e.a(e i$1 e-en har!er $o a!o+$ $he +er+e.$i-e of

oneelf6a6a6.hil!0 I$ h(r$ $oo %(.h $o a.&no,le!#e ,ha$ ,a

!one $o ( on.e (+on a $i%e0

"Dire+e.$ i $he ,ea+on of $he ,ea&/5 Miller o*er-e/ an! $he !i6

re+e.$ o %an' +aren$ ho, for $heir .hil!ren1 feelin# i a f(n.$ion of

ho, ,ea& $he' re%ain *ehin! a $hin faa!e of $ren#$h0 Fir$/ a!(l$

.on$in(e $o ha-e fear of $heir o,n/ o i$ %a&e $he% feel +o,erf(l $o

+ooh6+ooh $he ill' fear of a .hil!0 Se.on!/ o%e +aren$ %a' *e $a&6in#re-en#e "for $heir o,n earlier h(%ilia$ion05 Tha$ $hi +a$$ern +la' o($

(n.on.io(l' %a&e +erfe.$ ene/ #i-en $ha$ i$1 $oo +ainf(l $o

re%e%*er/ le$ alone $o reli-e/ one1 o,n +o,erlene an! +ain0




I hone$l' !on1$ &no, ho, %(.h of $ha$ $heor' i $r(e/ or ho, %an'

+eo+le i$ !e.ri*e0 I$ %a' *e $ha$ $here are o$her reaon/ %ore

(+erfi.ial an! i$(a$ional/ for $he fa.$ $ha$ +aren$ o of$en fail $o i%a#ine

ho, $hin# feel $o $heir .hil!ren0 Ma'*e ,e1re ;($ $oo hor$ of $i%e or

+a$ien.e $o a&/ "Ho, !oe %' .hil! %a&e ene of ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!@5Fran&l'/ I1! li&e $o $hin& $he e2+lana$ion i $ha$ i%6+le/ *e.a(e $hen ,e

.an ol-e $he +ro*le% %ore eail'0 B($ ei$her ,a'/ ,e o(#h$ $o !o o(r

*e$ $o re.all +e.ifi. e2+erien.e of *ein# a .hil! o a $o %a&e %ore

real for o(rel-e ,ha$ o(r .hil!ren are #oin# $hro(#h0 There %a' e-en

*e -al(e in $r'in# $o re.a+$(re e2+erien.e ,e1-e ha! a a!(l$ $ha$ are

analo#o( $o $hoe of o(r .hil!ren)for e2a%+le/ ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o *e

*oe! aro(n!/ or $o ha-e o(r +referen.e i#nore!/ or $o feel +re(re!

$o $o+ !oin# o%e$hin# f(n0

Thee are ;($ e2er.ie/ of .o(re)+re+ara$ion for $he real e-en$/

,hi.h i i%a#inin# $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e0 Tha$1 o%e$hin# ,e nee! $o

*e#in !oin# fro% $he $ar$0 When %' !a(#h$er ,a onl' a fe, %on$h ol!/

he ha$e! $o ha-e her !ia+er .han#e!0 A$ fir$/ %' re+one ,a/

*ai.all'/ "Sorr'/ hone'/ *($ i$ ha $o *e !one ,he$her 'o( li&e i$ or no$05

Then I no$i.e! $ha$ he ,a +ar$i.(larl' rei$an$ ,hen $he .han#6in#

ha++ene! a oon a he ,o&e (+0 I $rie! $o ee i$ fro% her +oin$ of -ie,7

$ey# "0 still hal)-asleep here and already "0 being %hisked over to That

Place Where They Do Things to 5y Butt# I e2+eri%en$e! ,i$h #i-in# her

$en or fif$een %in($e $o ,a&e (+ f(ll' *efore I .han#e! her !ia+er/ an!

(re eno(#h/ her rea.$ion ,a far %ore +oi$i-e0

Ta&in# an infan$1 +er+e.$i-e i (ef(l/ in +ar$ $o hel+ ( #e$ in

$he ha*i$ of !oin# i$ la$er0 We1ll (rel' nee! $o !o i$ *' $he $i%e $he'

$ar$ $o $al&/ if onl' $o $(rn $he ((al .li.h a*o($ .hil!hoo! on

$heir hea!0 For e2a%+le7 T,o6'ear6ol! are fa%o( for a'in# no

a lo$0 B($ fro% $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e/ $he +ro*le% i $ha$ %e0re

al,a' a'in# no/ +re6-en$in# hi% fro% !oin# $hi/ #oin# $here/

+la'in# ,i$h $ha$ reall' in$er6e$in# $hin# on $he &i$.hen .o(n$er0

8hil!ren of !ifferen$ a#e are fre3(en$l' !e.ri*e! a "%ani+(la6$i-e05 B($/ a#ain/ fro% $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e/ he %a' ;($ *e $r(#6

#lin# $o ha-e o%e a' o-er ,ha$ ha++en $o her0 If an'one i $r'in#




$o %ani+(la$e here/ i$1 +ro*a*l' $he #ro,n6(+0 Perha+ &i! ,o(l!

*enefi$ fro% a hel+f(l *oo& .alle! $o% to $andle 2our Di))icult Par-ents.

Gi-en ho, %(.h $i%e ,e +en! ;(!#in# an! .orre.$in# $he%/ i$1

en$er$ainin# $o i%a#ine $heir ha-in# re#(lar o++or$(ni$ie $o !o $he a%e$o ()(.h a/ a'/ a ?agat )or Tots re-ie, of ,ha$ ,e fee! $he%7

Diner #i-e an en$h(ia$i. $h(%*6(+ $o $he "a,eo%e5 ho$ !o#

an! hi#h63(ali$' !eer$ 9"if 'o(1re l(.&' eno(#h $o #e$ one5:/ *($

.a($ion $ha$ .er$ain i!e !ihe are "reall' #ro5 ho$ .ereal in

+ar$i.(lar are a+$ $o "loo& li&e *arf05 Ser-i.e i ra$e! a

in.oni$en$7 There are hi#h %ar& for +eronal a$$en6$ion/ *($ a$

lea$ one .($o%er a' he .an !o ,i$ho($ "$ha$ la!' ,ho1 al,a'

$ellin# 'o( $o i$ (+ $rai#h$ an! $o+ !a,!lin#05

The (e of h(%or i .loel' rela$e! $o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# *e.a(e

la(#h$er i of$en a !ire.$ re(l$ of a hif$ in +er+e.$i-e0 H(%or .an *e

a -er' effe.$i-e $ra$e#' for !ef(in# a $ref(l i$(a$ion/ or a$ lea$

,ar%in# (+ a +o$en$iall' .hill' en.o(n$er0 If 'o(1re i$$in# !o,n ,i$h

'o(r .hil! $o !i.( o%e$hin# a*o($ her *eha-ior $ha$ 'o(1! li&e $o

ee .han#e!/ 'o( %i#h$ in-i$e her $o i%i$a$e ho, 'o( $'+i.all' o(n!

,hen 'o(1re na##in# her on $ha$ $o+i.0 Thi i a ,a' of releain# $en6

ion/ le$$in# her feel e%+o,ere!/ an! %a&in# i$ .lear $ha$ 'o( (n!er6

$an! ho, $hin# ee% fro% her +oin$ of -ie,)all a$ on.e0

Per+e.$i-e $a&in# i alo i%+or$an$ ,hen 'o(1re +en!in# $i%e

,i$h o%eone ele1 .hil!0 I$1 re%ar&a*le ho, %an' a!(l$ *arrel

ahea! ,i$h $heir o,n a#en!a/ i#nore $ron# non-er*al i#nal/ an!

$hen +rono(n.e $he .hil! ,ho re.oil fro% $he% "h'5 9or ,ore:0

B' .on$ra$/ a!(l$ ,ho are ai! $o "ha-e a ,a' ,i$h &i!5 ((all'

!i6+la' an in$(i$i-e feel for ho, $hin# loo& $o $he%0 When $he'1re

in$ro6!(.e! $o a .hil!/ $he' !on1$ e2+e.$ in$an$ eff(i-ene/ ;($

a $he' &no, $heir o,n nor%all' *(**l' &i! +ro*a*l' ,on1$ a.$ ,i$ha $ran#er $he ,a' he a.$ ,i$h $he%0 The' !on1$ %o$her $heir ne,

a.3(ain$an.e ,i$h en$h(ia% or $ar$ ri#h$ in ,i$h a .ro6

e2a%ina$ion 9"Ho, ol! are 'o(@ Where !o 'o( #o $o .hool@5:0




Ra$her/ $he' &ee+ $heir !i$an.e a$ fir$ an! le$ $he .hil! ,ar% (+ $o

$he%/ +erha+ fin!in# o%e$hin# he1 in$ere$e! in an! a&in# hi%

a*o($ $ha$0 Then $he' %i#h$ $r' $o fin! o%e a.$i-i$' $he' .an !o

alon#i!e $he .hil!0 The' $a&e $heir .(e fro% hi% re#ar!in# ,ha$

he1 in$ere$e! in/ ,he$her he ,an$ $o $al& or +la'/ an! o on0I$1 eaier $o $a&e one1 .(e fro% a .hil!/ ,he$her o%eone

ele1 or o(r o,n/ if ,e .an ee $he ,orl! a $ha$ .hil! ee i$0 On

an e-er'!a' *ai/ +er+e.$i-e $a&in# %a&e for *e$$er +aren$in#0

E-en ,hen ,e .an1$ honor .hil!ren1 +referen.e/ i$1 $erri*l'

i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e !o o(r *e$ $o (n!er$an! an! a.&no,le!#e $heir

+er+e.$i-e 9"I #(e $o 'o( i$ ee% a $ho(#h 0 0 05:0 Tha$ hel+

$he% feel hear!/ .are! a*o($/ an! (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!0

Of .o(re/ i$1 no$ all or no$hin#0 When ,e1re $al&in# a*o($ ho, of$en/

an! ho, ,ell/ +aren$ $r' $o i%a#ine $he ,a' $hin# loo& fro% a .hil!1

+oin$ of -ie,/ $here are %an' #ra!a$ion *e$,een ".on$an$l'5 an!

"ne-er5)or *e$,een "e2+er$l'5 an! "%iera*l'05 An! o i$ i for all $he

i(e !i.(e! in $hi *oo&0 Fe, +aren$ +(r(e $ra$e#ie $ha$ are

e2.l(i-el' !oin#6$o or ,or&in#6,i$h/ or offer lo-e $ha$1 +(rel' .on!i$ional

or (n.on!i$ional0 Mo$ of ( are o%e,here in *e$,een0 B' $he a%e

$o&en/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ $here1 a ,i$.h ,e .an fli+ $ha$ ,ill

in$an$l' allo, ( $o $o+ *ein# $hi ,a' an! $ar$ *ein# $ha$ ,a'0 Ra$her/

,e .an $hin& of o(rel-e a *ein# on a ;o(rne' (.h $ha$ ,e .o%%i$

o(rel-e $o %a&in# $ea!' +ro#re in $he ri#h$ !ire.$ion0

I i$ e-er $oo la$e $o *e#in $ha$ ;o(rne'@ I1% o%e$i%e a&e! for

a(ran.e $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o (n!o $he !a%a#e $ha$ %a' ha-e *een

!one *' 'ear of .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! o-er.on$rol0 Of .o(re/ i$1

i%+oi*le $o a' for .er$ain/ *($ i$ $a&e $re%en!o( .o(ra#e $o

a.&no,le!#e $ha$ one %a' ha-e *een on $he ,ron# .o(re/ an! (.h

.o(ra#e i i$elf an e2.ellen$ o%en for ,ha$ $he f($(re hol!0 There1 rea6

on $o *elie-e $ha$/ no %a$$er ho, ol! one1 .hil!ren are/ i$1 no$ $oo la$e

$o ha-e a +oi$i-e i%+a.$ fro% $hi +oin$ for,ar!0 All of ( ha-e .on6

i!era*le roo% for i%+ro-e%en$0 To ,ha$e-er e2$en$/ an! for ,ha$e-er reaon/ ,e %a' ha-e *een raiin# o(r &i! in a ,a' $ha$ han1$ *een -er'

.on$r(.$i-e/ $hi i a #oo! a $i%e a an' $o $(rn $hin# aro(n!0



APPENDI

Parenting &tyles+

The elevance o) Culture, Class, and ace

In !i.(in# an' a+e.$ of h(%an *eha-ior/ $here1 al,a' $he +oi*il6i$'

$ha$ one1 !e.ri+$ion 9Thi i ,ha$ i$ %ean $o raie .hil!ren0 0 0 0: or

e-al(a$ion 9Thi i $he ,a' one o(#h$ $o raie .hil!ren0 0 0 0: ,ill *e *ae! on

a ,orl!-ie, $ha$ in1$ hel! (ni-erall'0 M(.h of ,ha$ ,e $a&e for #ran$e!

a*o($ .hil! !e-elo+%en$ an! o$her i(e of$en $(rn o($ $o *e *o(n!e! *'

.(l$(ral a(%+$ion0 To $ha$ e2$en$/ $he' %a' *e o+en $o !i6+($e0 The

.on$en$ of $hi *oo& i ne.earil' infor%e! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ I1% a ,hi$e/

%i!!le6.la A%eri.an0 Ho, ,o(l!/ an! ho, ho(l!/ o%eone

,ho !oen1$ hare $hoe .hara.$eri$i. re#ar! ,ha$ I1-e ,ri$$en@

E-en if I ,ere an e2+er$ on +aren$in# *elief an! +ra.$i.e aro(n! $he

,orl!/ ,hi.h I1% no$/ I ,o(l!n1$ *e a*le $o !o ;($i.e here $o $he -a$

reear.h li$era$(re on $hi $o+i.0 There i enor%o( -aria$ion in $he

a(%+$ion %a!e a*o($ .hil!ren an! ,ha$ i$ %ean $o .are for $he%

+ro+erl'/ in.l(!in# ho, %(.h/ ,hen/ an! (n!er ,ha$ .ir.(%$an.e +ar6

en$ +(nih/ or reaon ,i$h/ $heir .hil!ren0 For e2a%+le/ one an$hro+ol6

o#i$ !e.ri*e ho, %e%*er of $he G(ii $ri*e in o($h,e$ern Ken'a

,ere ho.&e! $o learn $ha$ A%eri.an %o$her ,o(l! lea-e $heir *a*ie

.r'in# e-en for a fe, e.on!7 "For $he%/ $he +re-en$ion of infan$ .r'in#

$hro(#h .on$in(o( +h'i.al .on$a.$ ,a no$ onl' a !e-i.e of +ra#%a$i.

-al(e *($ alo a %orall' %an!a$e! .ri+$ for %a$ernal *eha-ior05



A P P E N D I C

To!!ler/ $oo/ are $rea$e! -er' !ifferen$l' fro% one .(l$(re $o $he ne2$0

A a re(l$/ o%e ne, reear.h !e%on$ra$e $ha$ "$he $erri*le $,o1

$rani$ion i no$ (ni-eral5 i$ e2i$en.e ee% $o !e+en! on ho, %(.h

"+aren$ a$$e%+$ $o aer$ $heir a($hori$'5C an!/ +erha+/ on ,ha$ $heir

(l$i%a$e #oal are for $heir .hil!ren0 Thi i *($ one ill($ra$ion of $he

lar#er +oin$ $ha$ .(l$(rall' +e.ifi. a(%+$ion an! +ra.$i.e +ro6!(.e

!ifferen$ *eha-ior0 O-er an! o-er/ ,ha$ ,e $a&e $o *e i%+le fa.$ a*o($

.hil! !e-elo+%en$ $(rn o($ no$ $o *e $r(e e-er',here0

I$ %a' no$ *e (r+riin#/ $hen/ $ha$ $he .en$ral $he%e of $hi *oo& are

no$ i%%(ne $o *ein# .hallen#e! fro% a .ro6.(l$(ral +er+e.$i-e0 Fre!

Ro$h*a(% a$ T(f$ Uni-eri$' (##e$ $ha$ (n.on!i$ional +aren$al lo-e i

le in !o(*$ in o%e .(l$(re $han i$ i in o(r0 Ho,e-er/ he a!!/ $hereare +la.e ,here $he -er' .on.e+$ %a' ee% $o *e *ei!e $he +oin$0

Un.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e %a' *e +re!i.a$e! on -al(in# $he in!i-i!(al

elf in a ,a' $ha$ i *' no %ean (ni-eral0 We %a' *elie-e $ha$ .hil!ren

ha-e $o *e lo-e! *' $heir +aren$ in or!er $o a..e+$ $he%el-e/ *($ $he

i!ea of a..e+$in# oneelf !oen1$ ha-e $he a%e i#nifi.an.e e-er',here

an! %a' e-en ee% a *iarre i!ea in le in!i-i!(ali$i. .(l$(re0

Wha$1 %ore/ Ro$h*a(% +oin$ o($ $ha$ ($$erin# $he +hrae "I lo-e

'o(5 $o .hil!ren i%+lie $he +oi*ili$' of no$ lo-in# $he%7 If ,e1re a'6in#

i$/ ,e1re (##e$in# $ha$ i$ .an1$ *e $a&en for #ran$e!0 If o(r lo-e i

(n.on!i$ional/ i$1 *e.a(e ,e !e.i!e $o feel $ha$ ,a'/ ,herea in %an'

.(l$(re $he .onne.$ion *e$,een in!i-i!(al)in.l(!in# +aren$ an!

.hil!ren)refle.$ role an! nor% $ha$ are (n3(e$ione!0 The'1re o*li6

#a$ion one ha/ no$ .o%%i$%en$ one %a&e0 I $hi a !ifferen$/ e-en

!ee+er/ for% of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#)or i i$ le %eanin#f(l $han lo-e

$ha$1 freel' .hoen@ Re#ar!le of ,ha$ ;(!#%en$ ,e en! (+ %a&6in#/ i$%a' *e ne.ear' $o re$hin& $he -er' i!ea of (n.on!i$ionali$'0

An! +ea&in# of "freel' .hoen57 I1-e e%+haie! $he i%+or$an.e

of eain# (+ on o(r .on$rol of .hil!ren an! hel+in# $he% $o e2+erien.e

a ene of a($ono%'0 The *enefi$ of !oin# o are ,ell (*$an$ia$e!

*' reear.h0 B($ i $ha$ reear.h a++li.a*le onl' in .er$ain +la.e@ Do

.hil6!ren *enefi$ fro% $he .han.e $o ha-e o%e a' a*o($ $heir li-e

onl' in .(l$(re $ha$ are rela$i-el' in!i-i!(ali$i. or le *o(n! *'$ra!i$ion@ <ur .hil!ren ee% $o *e ha++ier an! %ore %o$i-a$e! ,hen

$he' .an +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in# !e.iion $han ,hen a($hori$' fi#(re

$ell $he% ,ha$ $o !o/ *($ i $ha$ $r(e e-er',here@



C A P P E N D I

The e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +aren$ are in.line! $o .on$rol $heir .hil!ren i

(n3(e$iona*l' affe.$e! *' ,here $he' li-e0 Ho,e-er/ $ha$1 "3(i$e !if6

feren$ fro% a'in# $ha$ .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e are +refera*le5 in an'

o.ie$'/ a Wen!' Grolni.& +oin$ o($0 She +ro.ee! $o .i$e reear.hho,in# $ha$ ".on$rollin# +aren$in# i ao.ia$e! ,i$h %ore ne#a$i-e

o($.o%e for .hil!ren a.ro .(l$(ral .on$e2$05 Si%ilarl'/ Ri.har!

R'an an! E!,ar! De.i +oin$ $o !a$a (##e$in# $ha$ "a($ono%' %a'

in!ee! *e (ni-erall' i%+or$an$05 One reaon $hi .on$en$ion ha *een

.hallen#e!/ $he' a!!/ i a f(n.$ion of ho, $he ,or! i !efine!0

A($ono%' i of$en e3(a$e! ,i$h in!e+en!en.e an! "rei$an.e $o

infl(en.e/ or elf6aer$ion o-er an! a#ain$ o$her05 An'one ,ho

a..e+$ $ha$ !efini$ion %a' ,ell a(%e $he .on.e+$ i "rele-an$ onl'

$o in!i-i!(ali$i. .(l6$(re05 B($ a($ono%' (n!er$oo! a -oli$ion or

".hoi.ef(lne5 i a !if6feren$ $or'0 In $ha$ ene/ "+eo+le .an ;($ a

rea!il' *e a($ono%o(l' .olle.$i-i$i. a $he' .an *e a($ono%o(l'

in!i-i!(ali$i.05 Th(/ eain# (+ on .on$rol %a' *e a #oo! $hin# for

.hil!ren re#ar!le of ,he$her $he'1re *ein# raie! in $he We$ or $he

Ea$/ in a h(#e %o!ern .i$' or a $in' Thir! Worl! -illa#e0

Nee!le $o a'/ !ifferen.e in !i.i+line $'le o..(r no$ onl' a.ro

.(l6$(re *($ a%on# #ro(+ ,i$hin a in#le .(l$(re/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen

,e1re $al&in# a*o($ a .o%+le2 %o!ern o.ie$' (.h a $he Uni$e!

S$a$e0 Before %en$ionin# a fe, of $hoe !ifferen.e/ ho,e-er/ I

ho(l! +oin$ o($ $ha$ ,e1re $raffi.&in# here in $a$i$i.al

#eneralia$ion0 E-en if +aren$ in #ro(+ A $rea$ $heir .hil!ren in a

+ar$i.(lar ,a' %ore $han +aren$ in #ro(+ B !o/ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean

e-er'one in #ro(+ A a.$ $ha$ ,a')or $ha$ no one in #ro(+ B !oe0

Wi$h $ha$ in %in!/ ,e .an *e#in *' no$in# $ha$ reear.her ha-e ro(6

$inel' fo(n! !ifferen.e rela$e! $o fa%ilie1 o.ioe.ono%i. $a$( 9SES:/

in.l(!in# $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +(ni$i-e !i.i+line i (e!0 Mo$ $(!ie

ha-e fo(n! $ha$/ a $ha$ $a$( !e.line/ "ra$e of +aren$1 (e of .or+o6ral

+(nih%en$ rie/5 a..or!in# $o one re-ie, of $he a-aila*le !a$a0 Ano$her

#ro(+ of reear.her .on.l(!e! $ha$/ a a r(le/ ".hil!ren in $he lo,er o.ioe.ono%i. .lae are %ore li&el' $han $heir +eer $o *e $he o*;e.$

of harh !i.i+line/ $o =*e> 0 0 0 raie! *' %o$her ,ho are rela6$i-el' le

,ar% in $heir *eha-ior $o,ar! $he% 0 0 0 an! ,ho are %ore



A P P E N D I C

li&el' $o hol! -al(e $ha$ a##reion i an a++ro+ria$e an! effe.$i-e

%ean of ol-in# +ro*le%05

Thoe fa.$ are e2+laine! +ar$l' *' e.ono%i. +re(re7 The %ore (.h

$re +aren$ are e2+erien.in#/ $he %ore li&el' i$ i $ha$ $he' ,ill (e

.oer.i-e %e$ho! $o #e$ $heir .hil!ren $o o*e'0J Mel-in Kohn fa%o(l'

ho,e! $ha$ ,or&in#6.la +aren$ are %ore li&el' $o raie $heir .hil!ren $o

.onfor% $o r(le an! re+e.$ a($hori$')an! $o (e +(nih%en$ $o a.hie-e

$hoe #oal),herea %i!!le6.la/ no$a*l' ,hi$e6.ollar/ +aren$ are %ore

li&el' $o ,an$ $heir .hil!ren $o *e elf6!ire.$e! an! a($ono%o( !e.iion6

%a&er0 Kohn h'+o$heie! $ha$ $hi/ in $(rn/ i rela$e! $o $he e2+e.$a$ion

$he +aren$ $he%el-e fa.e a$ ,or&/ ,hi.h of$en -ar' *' .la0 Hi #eneral

fin!in# ha-e *een .onfir%e! *' o$her reear.her/ an! $he'1-e *een e.hoe!

*' in$erna$ional !a$a ho,in# $ha$ +h'i.al +(nih%en$ i %ore .o%%on in

.(l$(re $ha$ -al(e .onfor%i$' in .hil!ren $han i$ i in .(l$(re $ha$ -al(e elf6

relian.e0

Then $here i $he .o%+le2 3(e$ion of ra.e0 Wi$hin $he Uni$e! S$a$e/

i$ a++ear $ha$ Afri.an A%eri.an are "le li&el' $han ,hi$e +aren$ $o

+refer a($ono%' in .hil!ren an! are %ore li&el' $o +refer o*e!ien.e/5

e-en af$er SES i hel! .on$an$0 Afri.an A%eri.an %o$her are %ore li&e6l' $han ,hi$e %o$her $o a++ro-e of $heir .hil!ren1 *ein# a##rei-e ,i$h

$heir +eer0 A for $he (e of harh !i.i+linar' +ra.$i.e/ in.l(!in#

+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ $,o .on.l(ion e%er#e fro% $he !a$a7 8la %a'

ha-e %ore of an i%+a.$ $han ra.e/ *($ ra.e %a$$er/ $oo0 When $ho(6

an! of +aren$ ,ere a&e! 9in : ,he$her $he' ha! +an&e! $heir

.hil!ren in $he la$ ,ee&/ a*o($ +er.en$ of Afri.an A%eri.an an!

+er.en$ of ,hi$e ai! 'e0 The fi#(re ,ere +er.en$ an! +er.en$/

re+e.$i-el'/ in ano$her $(!' $ha$ a&e! +aren$ 9in : ,he$her $he'

ha! +an&e! $heir .hil!ren in $he la$ 'ear0 The !ifferen.e ,a $ill $a6

$i$i.all' i#nifi.an$/ al$ho(#h o%e,ha$ re!(.e!/ on.e SES ,a $a&en

in$o a..o(n$0

When +aren$ ,ere a&e! 9in JJ: a*o($ $heir attitudes $o,ar!

+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ a li$$le %ore $han CC +er.en$ of ,hi$e o++oe! $he

i!ea/ a .o%+are! ,i$h le $han +er.en$ of Afri.an A%eri.an0 Wha$1

+ar$i.(larl' $ri&in# i $he !i+ari$' in ho, a$$i$(!e ha-e .han#e! o-er $i%e0 In J/ +an&in# ,a en!ore! *' %ore $han +er.en$ of A%er6

i.an in all e$hni. #ro(+0 A erie of (r-e' fro% $ha$ +oin$ (n$il

ha-e fo(n! a $ea!' an! re%ar&a*l' har+ !e.line in $he n(%*er of



C A P P E N D I

,hi$e ,ho (++or$ +an&in# a++ro-al ha !ro++e! *' a $hir!/ in fa.$0

B($ $he !e.line ,a onl' +er.en$ for Afri.an A%eri.an o-er $he

a%e 3(ar$er6.en$(r'0C

The e-i!en.e a#ain$ $he ,i!o% of (in# (.h +(nih%en$ i 3(i$e

.o%+ellin#/ *($ in $he la$ fe, 'ear an in$ere$in# ar#(%en$ ha *een +($

for$h $o $he effe.$ $ha$ a #i-en +ra.$i.e !oen1$ ne.earil' ha-e $he a%e

%eanin# a.ro ra.ial line0 Kir*' Dea$er6De.&ar!/ Kenne$h Do!#e/ an!

$,o o$her reear.her ha-e a$$ra.$e! .oni!era*le a$$en$ion in $heir fiel!

*' .on$en!in# $ha$/ *e.a(e !i.i+linin# .hil!ren ,i$h +h'i.al for.e i

%ore ,i!el' a..e+$e! *' Afri.an A%eri.an/ *la.& &i! %a' no$

e2+erien.e *ein# hi$ *' $heir +aren$ in $he a%e ,a' $ha$ ,hi$e &i! !o/

an! $herefore i$ ,on1$ ha-e $he a%e ne#a$i-e effe.$0 Their $(!' of ,hi$e .hil!ren an! *la.& .hil!ren fo(n! $ha$ hi#her le-el of +h'i6.al

+(nih%en$ re(l$e! in a##reion an! i%ilar +ro*le% onl' a%on# $he

,hi$e .hil!ren0 Thee reear.her)all of ,ho% are ,hi$e/ in.i!en6$all')

+e.(la$e! $ha$ Afri.an A%eri.an .hil!ren %a' no$ "-ie, $heir +aren$1

+h'i.al !i.i+line a an in!i.a$ion of +aren$al la.& of ,ar%$h an!

.on.ern5)+ro-i!e! $ha$ $he +(nih%en$ !oen1$ rea.h le-el ((al6l'

.laifie! a a*(i-e0

Thi +reen$ a +ro-o.a$i-e .hallen#e $o $hoe of ( ,ho fin! $he

i!ea of !eli*era$el' h(r$in# .hil!ren o*;e.$iona*le no %a$$er ,here i$1

!one/ or *' ,ho%/ or ,h'0 I$ for.e ( $o a& ,he$her o(r o*;e.$ion i

infor%e! *' a e$ of +re%ie $ha$ .an1$ *e a++lie! (ni-erall'0 Doe a

%a2i% (.h a "Ne-er hi$ a .hil!5 i%+l' refle.$ $he fa%iliar arro#an.e

of a +o,erf(l #ro(+ a$$e%+$in# $o i%+oe i$ e$hi. on a le +o,erf(l

#ro(+@ Or/ on $he .on$rar'/ .an ,e !e.lare $ha$ o%e $hin# are ;($

,ron# an! i$1 $he a$$e%+$ $o silence ;(!#%en$ $ha$1 %ore offeni-e@

I1-e ar#(e! $ha$ +'.holo#i.al effe.$ in #eneral !on1$ follo, in

%e.hani.al $i%(l(6re+one fahion fro% $he $hin# $ha$ ha++en $o (0

Ra$her/ ,ha$ %a$$er i $he %eanin# ,e a.ri*e $o ,ha$ ha++en0 I$1 no$

$he a.$ i$elf $ha$ +re!i.$ i$ i%+a.$ i$1 ,ha$ $he a.$ i#nifie $o in!i6

-i!(al an! .o%%(ni$ie0 B($ no, $ha$ in$er+re$i-e a++roa.h fa.e i$

(l$i%a$e .hallen#e7 Are $here o%e *eha-ior/ (.h a $ri&in# .hil!ren

an! !eli*era$el' .a(in# $he% +ain/ $ha$ .an ne-er *e .on$r(e! ainno.(o( 9%(.h le lo-in#: re#ar!le of $he +aren$1 in$en$ion@ We)

or/ %ore i%+or$an$/ $he .hil!)%a' $r(##le !e+era$el' $o re#ar! an a.$

of -iolen.e a an e2+reion of .arin# *($ (l$i%a$el' fin! i$ i%+oi*le $o



A P P E N D I C

(*;e.$e! $o .or+oral +(nih%en$0 Tha$ har!l' +ro-e $ha$ (.h

+(nih6%en$ i har%le0 If I1% ri#h$ a*o($ $he ini!io( effe.$ of

lea!in# .hil6!ren $o e3(a$e lo-e an! -iolen.e/ $hen reear.her ,ho

e2a%ine! a ,i!er arra' of +oi*le o($.o%e %i#h$ ,ell fin! ne#a$i-e

i%+a.$ $ha$ .($ a.ro line of ra.e an! .la0

A#ain/ +aren$ ,ho !i.$a$e $o or hi$ $heir .hil!ren %a' ,ell *e !oin#

o in an a$$e%+$ $o $ea.h $he%/ an! $he' %a' *e !oin# o o($ of .on.ern

for $heir ,ell6*ein#/ +ar$i.(larl' in +la.e ,here $hee ha-e *e.o%e $he

!efa(l$ ,a' of e2+rein# $ha$ .on.ern0 Unfor$(na$el'/ a!%ira*le in$en6

$ion !on1$ #(aran$ee a +oi$i-e o($.o%e0 Ba! $hin# !one for #oo! rea6

on aren1$ nearl' a hel+f(l a good $hin# !one for #oo! reaon0

Nor are +oi$i-e re(l$ a(re! e-en if $he .hil!ren $he%el-ea..e+$ $ha$ $hi $'le of +aren$in# reall' i an e2+reion of lo-e)or

.on-in.e $he%el-e of $hi on.e $he'1re #ro,n0 We learn $o $a&e ,ha$

,e .an #e$)a'/ if +h'i.al +(nih%en$ a++ear $o *e $he onl'

al$erna$i-e $o in!ifferen.e0 B($ $he 3(e$ion i ,h' $hee are a(%e! $o

*e $he onl' $,o +oi*ili$ie a-aila*le0 Thi i analo#o( $o %' earlier

+oin$ a*o($ +raie7 If .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e i $he onl' +oi*ili$'/ &i!

,ill !rin& i$ in an! e-en a' $he' ,ih $he'1! #o$$en %ore0 B($ $ha$1 no$ a

+er(ai-e !efene of +raie0 No$ all for% of a..e+$an.e)or lo-e/ or

%o$i-a$ion/ or ,a' of #e$$in# .hil!ren1 a$$en$ion ,hen $he'1-e !one

o%e$hin# ,ron#)are $he a%e/ nor are $he' e3(all' !eira*le0

There1 ano$her ,a' $ha$ !ifferen.e a%on# #ro(+ are (e! $o e2+lain

an! ;($if' a +e.ifi. a++roa.h $o raiin# .hil!ren0 I$1 o%e$i%e ai! $ha$

+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ alon# ,i$h a %ore a($hori$arian $'le of +aren$in# in

#eneral/ i a ra$ional re+one $o li-in# in a !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo!0

The ar#(%en$ #oe o%e$hin# li&e $hi7 Ma'*e affl(en$ fa%ilie .an

affor! $he l(2(r' of a %ore rela2e!/ +ro#rei-e/ or !e%o.ra$i. a++roa.h

$o .hil! rearin#/ *($ $hin# are -er' !ifferen$ in $he inner .i$'0 There/ %a&6

in# (re $ha$ &i! follo, $he r(le)o*e' $he la,/ $oe $he line/ !efer $o

a($hori$' fi#(re e-en ,hen ,ha$ $he'1re !e%an!in# %a' ee% (n;($)

.an li$erall' !e$er%ine ,he$her $hee &i! (r-i-e $o a!(l$hoo!0 In $hi-ie,/ $ri.$ !i.i+line i a!a+$i-e an! +erha+ e-en ne.ear'0 Mi.helle

Kelle'/ a reear.her a$ Ol! Do%inion Uni-eri$'/ an! her .ollea#(e +($ i$

$hi ,a'7 "The .one3(en.e of !io*e!ien.e in a lo,6in.o%e nei#h6



CC A P P E N D I

*orhoo! 0 0 0 =,here .hil!ren> are a$ #rea$er ri& for in-ol-e%en$ in an$i6

o.ial a.$i-i$' 9ei$her a -i.$i% or a +er+e$ra$or: 0 0 0 %a' *e %(.h

%ore erio( =$han in a %i!!le6.la nei#h*orhoo!> an! %a' re3(ire

%ore for.ef(l %e$ho! $o +re-en$ any le-el of in-ol-e%en$05

CC

Thi i an in$ere$in# $heor'/ in +ar$ *e.a(e i$ (##e$ $ha$ o%e6

$hin# a*o($ $he en-iron%en$/ ra$her $han o%e$hin# a*o($ $he in!i-i!(6al

li-in# in $ha$ nei#h*orhoo! 9(.h a $heir ra.e or .la:/ a..o(n$ for $he

(e of hea-'6han!e! !i.i+line0 I$1 alo a re%in!er $o %an' (*(r6*an

,hi$e $ha$ $he' ha-en1$ a .l(e a*o($ $he !a'6$o6!a' reali$' fa.e! *'

+eo+le of .olor in lo,6in.o%e/ hi#h6.ri%e nei#h*orhoo!0

Ne-er$hele/ $here are e-eral +ro*le% ,i$h $hi e2+lana$ion0 For

one $hin#/ i$1 no$ .lear $ha$ $he e-i!en.e (++or$ i$0 Kelle' herelf han1$

.oni$en$l' fo(n! $ha$ $he ,a' "lo,er6.la *la.& %o$her or .are#i-er5

raie $heir .hil!ren i infl(en.e! *' $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he'1re ,orrie!

a*o($ $he%0C So%e$hin# o$her $han an o*;e.$i-e a++raial of !an#er %a'

*e re+oni*le for $heir fa-orin# a .er$ain a++roa.h $o !i.i+line0

If $he !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo! $heor' ,ere $r(e/ %oreo-er/ ,e

%i#h$ e2+e.$ $ha$ $he rela$ion *e$,een ho, .hil!ren are !i.i+line!

an! ,he$her $he' en#a#e in an$io.ial *eha-ior ,o(l! -ar' !e+en!in#on ,here $he' li-e!0 B($ $,o lar#e $(!ie)$he fir$ .on!(.$e! in

,i$h %ore $han / $eena#er fro% !ifferen$ e$hni.

*a.&#ro(n! an! $he e.on! .on!(.$e! in CC ,i$h J Afri.an

A%eri.an fa%ilie)fo(n! $ha$ $he effe.$ of !i.i+line $'le !i!n1$

.han#e !e+en!in# on $he &in! of .o%%(ni$' $he' li-e! in/ in.l(!in#

$he +re-alen.e of .ri%e an! !elin63(en.'0C

E%+iri.al e-i!en.e ai!e/ $he !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo! ar#(%en$

ee% $o *e .on$r(.$e! on o%e of $hoe fa%iliar fale !i.ho$o%ie/

(.h a ".oer.i-ene -er( +er%ii-ene05 Gran$e!/ .hil!ren in o%e

area %a' nee! e2$ra +ro$e.$ion an! .loer %oni$orin#/ *($ $ha$1 no$ $he

a%e $hin# a a'in# $he' nee!)or ,o(l! *enefi$ fro%)a($hori$arian

+ar6en$in# or +h'i.al +(nih%en$0C The' %a' *enefi$ fro% $r(.$(re/ *($

$ha$ !oen1$ %ean $he' ,o(l! *enefi$ fro% *ein# .on$rolle!0 The' %a'

re3(ire a $ron# +aren$al +reen.e/ *($ no$ a !e%an! for a*ol($e/ !o6

,ha$6'o(1re6$ol!6or6ele o*e!ien.e0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ i$1 i%+or$an$ no$$o .ari.a$(re ,ha$ I1-e *een .allin# a ,or&in#6,i$h a++roa.h *' .onf(in#

i$ ,i$h laie6faire +er%ii-ene0 To +oin$ o($ $he fla, of $he la$$er in1$

$he a%e a %a&in# an ar#(%en$ a#ain$ $he for%er0:



NOTES

INTRODU8TION

1. I1-e *orro,e! $hi $ho(#h$ e2+eri%en$ fro% De*orah Meier0

2.8a#an/ ++0 Q0

3.Thi fi#(re i fro% Si%+on/ +0 0 A$ $he $i%e/ in $he %i!6/ $here ,ere

%ore $han / +aren$in# *oo& in +rin$0

4.E-en o%e of $he *e$$er *oo&/ ,hoe a++roa.h i reaona*l' re+e.$f(l of

.hil6!ren/ ee% $o in-i$e +aro!'0 For e2a%+le/ $he' no$ onl' a!-ie ( $o (e

"refle.6$i-e li$enin#5 o $ha$ &i! &no, $he'1-e *een hear!/ *($ ell $hi

$e.hni3(e a $ho(#h i$ ha! %a#i.al +o,er $o +ro!(.e in$an$ re(l$0

Child+ Tha$ i o (nfair4 Yo( al,a' !o $hi $o %e4 I ha$e 'o(444 9*(r$ in$o $ear:

Parent+ H%%%0 I$ o(n! li&e 'o( $hin& ,ha$ I1-e +ro+oe! in1$ fair0 Tha$ %a&e 'o( feel an#r'/ !oen1$ i$@

Child+ Ye4 9niff: B($ 0 0 0 ,ell 0 0 0 I #(e I .an li-e ,i$h i$0 9+a(e: Goh/

$han& for $a&in# $he $i%e $o (n!er$an! %e4 I feel all *e$$er no,4

5. For e2a%+le/ ee $he reear.h re-ie,e! in 8ha+%an an! ?ahn6Wa2ler/ +0 0

6.Wahin#$on/ D080/ $(!'7 K(.'n&i an! Ko.han&a0 9(o$a$ion on ++0 an!

J/ re+e.$i-el'0: "8o%+(li-e .o%+lian.e57 8ri$$en!en an! DiLalla0 P'6

.ho$hera+i$7 For e2a%+le/ ee <((l0 P'.holo#i$ ,ho $(!' +aren$6.hil!

a$$a.h%en$ +a$$ern no$e $ha$ a heal$h' $o!!ler i no$ one ",ho a($o%a$i.all'

.o%+lie ,i$h ,ha$e-er $he %o$her $ell hi%her0 Ra$her/ i$ i $he .hil! ,ho ho,

a .er$ain a%o(n$ of non.o%+lian.e ,hen re3(e$e! $o $o+ +la'in# an! .lean (+

$he $o'/ *($ ,ho #ra!(all' .oo+era$e ,i$h $he %o$her5 9Ma$a e$ al0/

p.:0

7.See $he !i.(ion of E!,ar! De.i an! Ri.har! R'an1 reear.h on .on$rol on

pp. QJ0 I e2+lore! $hi i(e in Punished by e%ards 9Kohn a/ ++0

CQC:/ !ra,in# fro% De.i an! R'an1 -er' (ef(l anal'i of !ifferen$ $'+e

of in$ernalia$ion0 The lea$ .on$r(.$i-e -erion i "in$ro;e.$ion/5 in ,hi.h

o%eone ,allo, a r(le or -al(e ,hole an! $hen feel +re(re! fro% $he

ini!e $o a.$ in a..or!an.e ,i$h i$0 Thi i e2a.$l' $he or$ of in$ernalia$ion

$ha$1 +ro6%o$e! *' $he &in! of !i.i+line I anal'e $hro(#ho($ $hi *oo&0

N O T E S T O P A G E S Q C



8.DeVrie an! ?an/ +0 C0

9.8oloroo/ +0 0

8HAPTER 7 8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

1.I$ $(rn o($ $ha$ $hi -ie, of .hil!ren i a +re;(!i.e ra$her $han a .on.l(ion

(+6+or$e! *' #oo! e-i!en.e0 In an earlier *oo&/ The Brighter &ide o) $uan

7ature, I re-ie,e! h(n!re! of $(!ie (++or$in# $he -ie, $ha$ i$ i a na$(ral

$o *e .arin# an! e%+a$hi. a i$ i $o *e a##rei-e or elf6.en$ere!0 An

a**re-i6a$e! -erion of $hi re-ie, .an *e fo(n! in a ar$i.le for

e!(.a$or en$i$le! "8arin# Ki!5 9Kohn :0

2.Thi i fro% a +'.holo#i$ na%e! S$e+hen Bel$/ in a *oo& $i$le! $o% to

5ake :ohnny W!7T to <bey, +0 C0

3.Ba(%rin! C/ +0 CJ0 She .on$in(e7 "The +aren$ ,ho e2+ree lo-e

(n.on6!i$ionall' i en.o(ra#in# $he .hil! $o *e elfih an! !e%an!in#5)(##e$in# $ha$ an e.ono%i. %o!el for h(%an rela$ionhi+ %a' #o han!6in6

han! ,i$h a !i% -ie, of h(%an na$(re0

4.Mar#are$ 8lar& +(*lihe! e-eral $(!ie in $he la$e an! 1J $o e2+lore $he

!ifferen.e *e$,een ,ha$ he .alle! "e2.han#e5 rela$ionhi+ an! ".o%%(6nal5

rela$ionhi+0 The +e.ifi. fin!in# a*o($ %arria#e i fro% a $(!' *' M(r$ein e$

al0 For a *roa!er in-e$i#a$ion of $he ,a' $ha$ e.ono%i. %o!el an! %e$a+hor

ha-e .o%e $o $a&e o-er o$her !o%ain of life/ ee Barr' S.h,ar$1 *oo& The

Battle )or $uan 7ature a ,ell a %an' of Eri.h Fro%%1 ,ri$in#0

5.For e2a%+le/ ee Ro#er 0

6.See ,,,0!oh0ief(ll$e2$8hil!renFir$8ha+$erC0h$%l0 While ,e* lin& .o%e

an! #o/ I ha-e a$ -ario( $i%e fo(n! $hi !o.(%en$ on $he i$e of a heriff1

!e+ar$%en$ in Illinoi an! an an$i6a*(e #ro(+ 98APSEA: in Penn'l-ania/ a

,ell a a referen.e $o i$ ha-in# *een in.l(!e! ,i$h a +ro+oe! la, in

Mio(ri0 I$ ha alo *een .i$e! on o$her i$e in En#lan! an! 8ana!a0

7.For e2a%+le/ "+aren$ #enerall' re+or$e! $ha$ $he' in.l(!e! $heir .hil!ren

%ore in fa%il' !e.iion %a&in# $han $he .hil!ren +er.ei-e! $o *e $r(e5 9E..le

e$ al0/ ++0 CQ:0

8.Three $(!ie are .i$e! $o (++or$ $hi .lai% in Kerni e$ al0/ +0 C0 E-en ,hen

$here1 no o++or$(ni$' $o .o%+are $he rela$i-e a..(ra.' of $hee $,o a..o(n$/

o$her reear.h ha fo(n! $ha$ +aren$al elf6re+or$ !on1$ al,a' ;i*e ,i$h ,ha$ $he

e2+eri%en$er ha o*er-e! 9e0#0/ Ko.han&a Ri$.hie:0

9.Hoff%an a/ e+0 Ta*le IV on +0 0 Thee re(l$/ an! o$her +er$ainin#

$o $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ are !i.(e! on ++0 CQ0 For .orro*ora$ion

of $he *ai. fin!in# $ha$ "i$ i $he .hil!1 o,n e2+erien.e of =+aren$in#>

*eha-ior $ha$ i li&el' $o ha-e $he #rea$e$ i%+a.$ on $he .hil!1 (*e3(en$!e-elo+6%en$/5 ee Morri e$ al0 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 0

10. Aor e$ al0 The 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 0 I$1 no$ .lear fro% $hi $(!' ,h'

$hee +aren$ $rea$e! $heir .hil!ren $he ,a' $he' $he%el-e ha! *een $rea$e!/ *($

I !i.( o%e +oi*le e2+lana$ion for .on!i$ional +aren$in# in .ha+$er 0



.hil!ren $o a!%i$ $ha$ $he' *ro&e a r(le/ or $o a.$ #(il$'/ *efore $he' ,ere .a(#h$0

9A ano$her ,ri$er =Be.&er/ +0 J> la$er +($ i$/ i$ %a!e ene $ha$ $here ,a an

N O T E S T O P A G E S Q

effe.$ onl' ,i$h ,ar% %o$her *e.a(e here $here ,a "%ore lo-e $o loe05:

Ho,e-er/ (*e3(en$ reear.h ha rarel' ho,n an'$hin# ree%*lin# a +oi$i-e

effe.$ on %oral !e-elo+%en$ a a re(l$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 O$her $(!ie/ in.l(!in#

$he one !e.ri*e! in $he $e2$/ (##e$ $ha$ $hi a++roa.h $o !i.i+line i "an

in(ffi.ien$ *ai for $he !e-elo+%en$ of 0 0 0 a f(ll' =for%e!> .on.ien.e5 9Hoff%an

an! Sal$$ein/ +0 :0 In!ee!/ one %i#h$ 3(e$ion ,he$her $he "+o6i$i-e5 re(l$ in

$he Sear e$ al0 $(!')a .o%+(lion $o .onfe)i reall' ,ha$ ,e1re loo&in# for0

There1 a !ifferen.e *e$,een a fear of *ein# .a(#h$/ on $he one han!/ an! a

#ro,in# ene)#ro,in#/ no$ 'e$ fir%l' e$a*lihe!/ in a fi-e6'ear6ol!)$ha$ an

a.$ion i ,ron#/ on $he o$her0 A..or!in# $o +'.holo#i$ Wen!' Grolni.&/ $hi

in$ernal +re(re i "an$i$he$i.al $o a feelin# of a($ono%'/ *e.a(e $he .hil! .anno$

.hooe $o ri& non.o%+lian.e)$he $a&e are i%+l' $oo hi#h5 ,hen $he +aren$1

lo-e %i#h$ !ia++ear 9Grolni.&/ +0 :0

10.B($ onl' a *i$/ *e.a(e $he i!ea !e.ri*e! in $he ne2$ fe, +ara#ra+h/ alon#

,i$h $he e-i!en.e $o (++or$ $he%/ ha-e alrea!' *een lai! o($ a$ o%e len#$h

in %' *oo& Punished by e%ards 9Kohn a:0

11. See Kohn a/ .ha+$er an! De.i e$ al0 )an! $he .ore of

$(!ie (%6%arie! in ea.h0

12. Effor$ $o !e$er%ine $he effe.$ of +raie on in$rini. %o$i-a$ion are

.o%+li.a$e! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ !ifferen$ reear.her ha-e %ean$ !ifferen$ $hin#

*' "+raie5 9ee Kohn a/ e+0 ++0 Q/ C:0 A re.en$ re-ie, of $he

reear.h fo(n! $ha$/ "al$ho(#h -er*al re,ar! enhan.e in$rini. %o$i-a$ion for

.olle#e $(!en$/ $he' !o no$ !o o for .hil!ren5 9De.i e$ al0 / +0 J:0

13.M0 B0 Ro,e0

14.Thi a+$ +hrae i fro% DeVrie an! ?an/ +0 0

15. B(rhan an! D,e.&0 The .on$en$ of +raie %a' alo *e rele-an$ here0

Reear.her a#ree7 8o%%en$ $ha$ %a&e +eo+le feel a..e+$e! onl'

.on!i$ion6all' are %o$ li&el' $o ha-e a ne#a$i-e i%+a.$0 B($ reear.her

!ia#ree/ a$ lea$ ;(!#in# *' $,o re.en$ $(!ie/ a*o($ ,hi.h or$ of .o%%en$ !o $ha$0 One e2+eri%en$ ,i$h 'o(n# a!(l$ 9S.hi%el e$ al0: fo(n!

$ha$ +oi$i-e fee!*a.& !i!n1$ %a&e $he% feel %ore e.(re if i$ referre! $o $heir

a..o%+lih%en$/ *($ !i! if i$ referre! $o ,ho $he in!i-i!(al reall' ,ere/ ,ha$

$he' .oni!ere! $heir "$r(e inner 3(ali$ie05 B' .on$ra$/ Ka%in an! D,e.&

!i.o-ere! $ha$ "+eron6orien$e!5 +raie/ $he or$ $ha$ offer .hil!ren a #lo*al

"e-al(a$ion of $he%el-e/ $heir $rai$/ or $heir a*ili$ie/5 i $he &in! %o$ li&el'

$o in!(.e a .on$in#en$ feelin# of elf6,or$h an!/ $herefore/ $o .a(e $he% $o

fall a+ar$ ,hen $he' en.o(n$er e$*a.&0

16. S(re 'o( .an0 Go ri#h$ ahea!0 I1ll e-en a' $han&0 Ho,e-er/ +e.ifi.

infor%a6$ional fee!*a.&)e2a.$l' ,ha$ in $he *oo& 'o( fo(n! hel+f(l/ or no$ hel+f(l/

an! ,h'),o(l! *e e-en %ore ,el.o%e $han a ;(!#%en$/ *e i$ +oi$i-e or ne#6

a$i-e0 In an' .ae/ %(.h a I1% (re I1! en;o' %ee$in# 'o(/ $he reali$' i $ha$ I !on1$

!e+en! on 'o( for (n.on!i$ional lo-e0 8o%%(ni.a$ion fro% one a!(l$ $o ano$her/



e+e.iall' ,hen $he $,o ha-e no .loe +ree2i$in# rela$ionhi+/ ;($ aren1$

analo#o( $o ,ha$ +aren$ a' $o $heir .hil!ren0 Therefore/ $he fa.$ $ha$ I %ile

#ra$ef(ll' ,hen 'o( $ell %e $hi *oo& .han#e! 'o(r life !oen1$ allo, (



N O T E S T O P A G E S Q C

e$ (+ for li&in# $he%el-e/ *($ $ha$1 no$ $he a%e $hin# a li&in#

$he%el-e (n.on!i$ionall'0

22.Le li&el' $o *e an2io( or !e+ree!7 8ha%*erlain an! Haa#a0

23.R'an an! Bro,n/ +0 0 Thi +oin$ i alo %a!e *' 8ro.&er0

24. I %a!e $hi .ae/ al*ei$ ,i$h a le n(an.e! -ie, of elf6e$ee%/ in .ha+$er

of $he *oo& 7o Contest 9Kohn C: ee 8ro.&er1 ,or& for %ore re.en$ e-i6

!en.e0 Of .o(re/ i$1 +oi*le $ha$ .o%+e$i$i-ene/ $he nee! $o $ri(%+h o-er

o$her/ i alo a sypto of elf6e$ee% $ha$ i alrea!' .on$in#en$ an! o$her,ie

fra#ile0 Peo+le ,ho har*or f(n!a%en$al !o(*$ a*o($ $heir elf6,or$h %a' *e

!ra,n $o .o%+e$e in a !e+era$e *($ (l$i%a$el' f($ile effor$ $o +ro-e $o $he%6

el-e/ on.e an! for all/ $ha$ $he'1re #oo!0 Para!o2i.all'/ i$ %a' re3(ire a heal$h6

ier ene of elf $o .olla*ora$e ,i$h o$her $han i$ !oe $o $r' $o !efea$ $he%0

8HAPTER 7 TOO MU8H 8ONTROL

1.See Gino$$/ ++0 QC0

2.For e2a%+le/ ee Gr(e. an! Goo!no,/ +0 0

3.One $(!' fo(n! a i#nifi.an$ ".oheren.e in %o$her1 .hil!rearin# *elief5

(.h $ha$ $hoe ,i$h an a($hori$arian a++roa.h $en!e! $o -ie, e-er'$hin#

$heir .hil6!ren !i! $hro(#h $ha$ len 9Ha$in# an! R(*in:0 An! $he %ore

+aren$ "i#nore .on$e2$(al fa.$or/5 ri#i!l' ".o%+ar=in#> +e.ifi. a.$ ,i$h

e2$ernal $an!ar! of #oo! or *a! *eha-ior/ an! a.$=in#> a..or!in#l'/5 $he

,ore $he o($.o%e for $he .hil! 9Hoff%an a/ +0 :0

4. A!orno e$ al0 (o$a$ion a++ear on +0 J0

5.One +'.holo#i$ a& ( $o i%a#ine a %o$her ,ho i +la'in# +ee&a*oo ,i$h her

*a*'0 A$ o%e +oin$/ +erha+ ,hen $he #a%e *e.o%e a li$$le $oo $i%(la$in#/ $he

*a*' $(rn a,a' an! (.& hi $h(%*0 Ra$her $han $a&in# her .(e fro% hi% an!

,ai$in# (n$il he1 rea!' $o re(%e +la'in#/ $hi %o$her "lean o-er in$o $he infan$1

line of -iion ,hile .li.&in# her $on#(e $o a$$ra.$ =hi> a$$en$ion0 The infan$/

ho,e-er/ i#nore $he %o$her an! .on$in(e $o loo& a,a'0 Un!a(n$e!/ $he %o$her +eri$ an! %o-e her hea! .loer $o $he infan$0 The infan$ #ri%a.e an! 0 0 0

$(rn e-en f(r$her a,a'0 0 0 05 The %o$her1 nee! $o .on$rol $he in$er6a.$ion)her

f(n!a%en$al la.& of re+e.$ for $he *a*'1 .lear +referen.e).an ha-e la$in#

effe.$0 He %a' .o%e $o ee hi%elf a hel+le $o affe.$ $he ,orl! aro(n! hi%/

an! he %a' .o%e $o ee hi +aren$)+erha+ o$her in #eneral)a (nre+oni-e

an! (nrelia*le0 Fi#(rin# o($ ho, $o e.a+e fro% (n+leaan$ e2+e6rien.e an! ho,

$o .onole hi%elf *e.o%e +riori$ie/ $h( "+o$en$iall' .o%6+ro%iin# .o#ni$i-e

!e-elo+%en$ an! !i$or$=in#> $he infan$1 in$era.$ion ,i$h o$her +eo+le5 9Troni.&/

++0 C/ :06.Thi +oin$ i %a!e/ ,i$h a..o%+an'in# .i$a$ion/ *' K(.'n&i J/ +0

an! J/ +0 C0

7.S$a'$on e$ al0 (o$a$ion on +0 0 Thi (##e$/ a..or!in# $o $he a($hor/ $ha$

"a !i+oi$ion $o,ar! o*e!ien.e e%er#e in a re+oni-e/ a..o%%o!a$in# o.ial



en-iron%en$ ,i$ho($ e2$eni-e $rainin# =or> !i.i+line5 9+0 :0 For a re-ie, of

o$her reear.h $ha$ alo fo(n! o*e!ien.e ,a %ore of$en rela$e! $o



CCJ N O T E S T O P A G E S C Q

re+oni-e +aren$in# $han $o !i.i+line or .on$rol/ ee Honi#0 One +air of

reear.her fo(n! $ha$ ,hen %o$her $en!e! $o i%+oe $heir ,ill on infan$ in

$he %anner !e.ri*e! in $he S$a'$on $(!')$ha$ i/ ,hen $he' ,ere %ore

li&el' $o "!ir(+$ $he *a*'1 on#oin# a.$i-i$' ra$her $han a!a+$in# $he $i%in#

an! 3(al6i$' of =$heir> in$er-en$ion an! ini$ia$ion $o $he *a*'1 $a$e/ %oo!/an! .(rren$ in$ere$5)$he .hil!ren ,ere i#nifi.an$l' %ore li&el' $o *e ra$e!

a h'+era.$i-e ,hen $he' ,ere fi-e or i2 'ear ol! 9<a.o*-i$ an! Sro(fe:0

Ala/ $here ha *een no (*e3(en$ in-e$i#a$ion of $hi in$ri#(in# fin!in# for

$he i%+le reaon $ha$ -ir$(all' all of $he a-aila*le f(n!in# in $he fiel! of

.hil!hoo! !ior!er i reer-e! for ne(ro*iolo#i.all' orien$e! reear.h ra$her

$han for in-e$i#a$ion of $he +oi*le rele-an.e of +aren$in#0

8.8ro.&en*er# an! Li$%an/ +0 0

9.Par+al an! Ma..o*'0

10.Ko.han&a 0

11.8o%%i$$e! .o%+lian.e7 Ko.han&a an! A&an0 8o%+lian.e ,i$h ano$her

a!(l$7 Fel!%an an! Klein0

12. Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen $he #oal i $o .o%+el .hil!ren $o a!o+$ a .er$ain

a$$i6$(!e or feelin#0 In $he hor$ r(n/ ,e .an o%e$i%e (..ee! in #e$$in# &i! $o

a.$ a +ar$i.(lar ,a'/ *($ ,e .an1$ %a&e $he% %ant $o !o o),hi.h i ,h' i$1 ill'

$o a& for a!-i.e a*o($ ho, $o "%o$i-a$e5 o(r .hil!ren0 Effor$ $o e2er$ .on$rol are

alo f($ile $o $he e2$en$ $he'1re *ae! on $he a(%+$ion $ha$ +aren$6.hil! rela6

$ionhi+ are one6,a' affair0 Reear.her ha-e .o%e $o realie $ha$ %o$her an!

fa$her !on1$ i%+l' a.$ on $heir .hil!ren0 Li&e i$ or no$/ $he rela$ionhi+ i re.i+6

ro.al/ ,i$h ea.h infl(en.in# $he o$her0 "The e%+hai on in$era.$ion ha le! (

a,a' fro% -ie,in# +aren$al *eha-ior a o%e$hin# $ha$ i !one to .hil!ren or )or

.hil!ren $o,ar! $he -ie, $ha$ i$ i !one %ith .hil!ren5 9Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0

J:0 I1% ar#(in# $ha$ ,ha$ i $r(e i alo !eira*le7 In$era.$in# ,i$h .hil!ren i/ in

one ene/ an a..(ra$e !e.ri+$ion of ,ha$ !oe ha++en an!/ in ano$her ene/ a

eni*le +re.ri+$ion for ,ha$ o(#h$ $o ha++en0

13.Bal!,in/ e+0 ++0 QC0

14.La%*orn e$ al0 0 (o$a$ion a++ear on +0 C0 Thi i .oni$en$ ,i$h

o$her reear.h 9ee B(ri e$ al0: ho,in# $ha$ 'o(n# a!(l$/ an! +ar$i.(larl'

'o(n# ,o%en/ ,ho ,ere raie! *' a($hori$arian +aren$ are li&el' $o $hin&

+oorl' of $he%el-e a a re(l$0

15.Sa%alin/ +0 0

16.Thi i a +oin$ $ha$ Mar$in Hoff%an ha %a!e re+ea$e!l' in hi ,ri$in#0 The a%e

#eneral +heno%enon ee% $o $a&e +la.e ,hen .hil!ren are o-er.on$rolle! *'

a!(l$ o$her $han $heir +aren$0 For e2a%+le/ in a .lai. erie of e2+eri%en$ in

$he 9Le,in e$ al0:/ *o' $oo& +ar$ in .l(* r(n *' %en ,ho ,ere !eli*6era$el'

ei$her !e%o.ra$i. or !i.$a$orial in $heir lea!erhi+ $'le0 So%e of $he .hil6!ren in

$he la$$er #ro(+ !i! in!ee! rea.$ *' *e.o%in# a##rei-e or .o%+e$i$i-e/ *($

%an' o$her ;($ ee%e! ,i$h!ra,n an! a+a$he$i.)(n$il/ $ha$ i/ $he lea!er lef$

$he roo% 9or $he *o' ,ere %o-e! $o a le $i#h$l' .on$rolle! #ro(+:/ a$ ,hi.h



+oin$ $here ,a a har+ rie in a##rei-e *eha-ior0

17.Har$ e$ al0


18. <((l/ +0 CC0 Thi i alo $he $he%e of an in$ri#(in# *oo& +(*lihe! in $he

*' a .lini.al +'.holo#i$ an! !e-o($ 8hri$ian na%e! Si!ne' D0 8rai#7

aising 2our Child, 7ot by 4orce but by 'ove. I$ re+reen$ a +er+e.$i-e$ri&in#l' !if6feren$ fro% $ha$ offere! in %o$ reli#io(l' orien$e! +aren$in#

#(i!e I1-e een0 8rai# alo +oin$e! o($/ o*-io(l' ,ell *efore I !i!/ $ha$ "$he

ene%'1 of $he .hil! i no$ +er%ii-ene/ *($ ra$her $he fear of *ein#

+er%ii-e0 I$ i $hi fear ,hi.h !ri-e #oo!/ %i!!le6.la A%eri.an +aren$ $o

*eha-e $o,ar! $heir .hil6!ren in $hoe .allo(/ (n'%+a$he$i./ ineni$i-e

,a' ,hi.h (l$i%a$el' re(l$ in 'o($hf(l !elin3(en.'5 9+0 J:0

19.R'an an! De.i C/ +0 C0

20. Aor e$ al0

21.R'an an! De.i C/ +0 0

22. <ohnon an! Bir.h0 (o$a$ion a++ear on +0 0 Bir.h i $he a%e

reear.her ,ho .on!(.$e! a $(!' $ha$ I %en$ione! in $he la$ .ha+$er/ $he

one ho,in# $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho ,ere re,ar!e! or +raie! for !rin&in# an

(nfa%iliar *e-er6a#e .a%e $o fin! i$ le $a$' $han !i! .hil!ren ,ho re.ei-e!

no re,ar! or +raie0

23. Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0 0 For one $(!' (++or$in# $ha$ .on.l(ion/

ee Hoff6%an an! Sal$$ein0

24.The infan$ $(!' ,a fir$ +(*lihe! in J an! i !e.ri*e! in Grolni.&/ ++0

Q an! alo in Fro!i e$ al0 The e.on! $(!' 9De.i e$ al0 : fo(n!/ in.i6

!en$all'/ $ha$ i$ ,a i%+oi*le $o +re!i.$ ho, .on$rollin# +aren$ ,ere ;($ on

$he *ai of ho, %(.h $he' $al&e! $o $heir .hil!ren !(rin# $he +la' eion0

Wha$ %a$$ere! ,a ,ha$ $he' ai! an! ho, $he' ai! i$0

25.Grolni.& e$ al0 CC0 An earlier $(!' ha! fo(n! $ha$ i26 an! e-en6'ear6ol!

+ain$e! le .rea$i-el')an! en;o'e! i$ le),hen $he' ,ere #i-en

.on$rollin# in$r(.$ion a*o($ ho, $he' ,ere (++oe! $o han!le $he +ain$

9Koe$ner e$ al0:0 O$her reear.h/ %ean,hile 9e0#0/ Dorn*(.h e$ al0 J:/ha fo(n! a ne#6a$i-e rela$ionhi+ *e$,een a($hori$arian +aren$in# an! $he

#ra!e of hi#h .hool $(!en$0 Ho,e-er/ #ra!e are no$ a #oo! %ea(re of

)an! %a' e-en *e in-ere6l' rela$e! $o)!ee+ $hin&in#/ in$ere$ in learnin#/

an! a +referen.e for .hallen#6in# $a&0 The fa.$ $ha$ a $(!en$ i .hain# an!

o*$ainin# $hoe e2$rini. re,ar! &no,n a A1 %a' *e reaon $o ,orr'/ no$ $o

.ele*ra$e/ a I e2+lain in .ha+$er 0

26. Paren$al .on$rol/ $he a($hor +e.(la$e!/ "%a' $en! $o fo.( $he

.hil!ren1 a$$en6$ion 3(i$e narro,l'/5 ,herea "$he .hil!ren ,hoe a($ono%'

,a (++or$e! a.$(6all' a.hie-e! #rea$er .on.e+$(al (n!er$an!in# of $he$a& an! ,ere $herefore %ore a*le $o a++l' $hee .on.e+$ ,hen $he' ,ere

alone5 9Grolni.& e$ al0 CC/ +0 :0

27.See Flin& e$ al0 an! De.i e$ al0 JC0

28.Grolni.&1 (%%ar' .o%%en$ a++ear on ++0 C an! 0 Effe.$ irre+e.$i-e of



a#e7 +0 0 9Si%ilarl'/ Gr(e. an! Goo!no, =+0 > fo(n! $ha$ "+o,er aer6$ion

ee% $o ha-e $he a%e ne#a$i-e effe.$ on %oral !e-elo+%en$ re#ar!le of a#e05

Bro!' an! Shaffer e2$en!e! $hi .on.l(ion $o $he effe.$ of lo-e ,i$h6!ra,al0:

Effe.$ irre+e.$i-e of ra.e/ .la/ or .(l$(re7 ee $he A++en!i20



C N O T E S T O P A G E S Q

C0 So%e$i%e +aren$ an! $ea.her (e ,or! li&e structure an! liits $o ;($if'

$heir a.$ion e-en $ho(#h ,ha$ $he'1re a.$(all' !oin# $o .hil!ren .o(l! %ore

a..(ra$el' *e !e.ri*e! a .on$rol0 8on-erel'/ Grolni.& +oin$ o($ $ha$

reear.h $(!ie .lai%in# $o ho, $ha$ .on$rol i #oo! for &i! of$en $(rn o($

$o ha-e offere! o%e or$ of reaona*le $r(.$(re *($ la*ele! i$ ".on$rol5 9+0:0 She !efine heal$h' $r(.$(re a "$he +ro-iion of #(i!eline an!

infor%a$ion $ha$ .hil!ren nee! o $he' .an *e elf6!e$er%inin#5 9+0 :0 Alo

rele-an$ here7 $he !i$in.$ion *e$,een behavioral control an! psychological

control, ,hi.h ,a ori#ina$e! *' Earl S.haefer/ re-i-e! *' La(ren.e

S$ein*er#/ an! f(r$her !e-el6o+e! *' Brian Bar*er0

8HAPTER 7 PUNITIVE DAMAGES

1. In o%e .ae/ .hil!ren)an!/ e-en %ore .o%%onl'/ a!(l$)%a' *e +(nihe!,i$ho($ re#ar! $o ,he$her $he in$er-en$ion i effe.$i-e0 The +oin$ %a' *e no$ $o

.han#e f($(re *eha-ior *($ $o e2a.$ re$ri*($ion0 Thi e-i!en$l' %o$i-a$e o%e

$ea.her $o +(nih $heir $(!en$ 9Re'na an! Weiner: i$1 (n.lear ho, %an' +ar6

en$ reor$ $o +(nih%en$ ,i$h $he #oal of .han#in# ho, $heir .hil!ren a.$ an! ho,

%an' ee +(nih%en$ a a %oral i%+era$i-e 9ee ++0 QC:0

2.Sear e$ al0/ +0 J0

3.Toner/ +0 0 Li&e,ie/ "+(ni$i-e !i.i+line e%er#e! a a .o%%on or hare! +re6

!i.$or of all $he !i%enion of .hil! !ir(+$i-e *eha-ior/5 re+or$e! $he %(l$i6(ni-eri$' 8on!(.$ Pro*le% Pre-en$ion Reear.h Gro(+ in C 9S$or%ha& e$

al0 3(o$a$ion on +0 C:0 An! fro% ano$her $(!'/ .on!(.$e! in $he Mi!,e$7

P(nih%en$ of -ario( or$ ".on$ri*($e! %ore (ni3(e -arian.e $o +re!i.$in#

+ro*le%6*eha-ior ra$in# $han all !e%o#ra+hi. +re!i.$or .o%*ine!5 9Brenner an!

Fo2 3(o$a$ion on +0 C:0 Of .o(re/ $he !i.o-er' $ha$ +(nih%en$ i ao6.ia$e!

,i$h .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior .o(l! *e e2+laine! *' $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ +ar6en$ ,i$h

$o(#h &i! are %ore li&el' $o +(nih $he% in o$her ,or!/ +(nih%en$ %a' *e

"+(lle!5 *' $he .hil!1 a.$ion ra$her $han .a(in# $hoe a.$ion0 Un!o(*$e!l' i$1

$r(e $ha$ $he .a(al arro, +oin$ in %ore $han one !ire.$ion/ *($ *' no, $here1

eno(#h e-i!en.e/ fro% $(!ie !ei#ne! +e.ifi.all' $o $e$ $hi h'+o$hei/ $o

;($if' $he .on.l(ion $ha$ +(nih%en$ i a .a(e %ore $han an effe.$0 For

e2a%+le/ ee Hoff%an / +0 Kan!el an! W(/ +0 C 8ohen an! Broo&/ +0

C an!/ for $he .a(a$i-e role +la'e! *' .or+oral +(n6ih%en$ in +ar$i.(lar/

S$ra( C/ .ha+$er C0 Si%ilarl'/ ,hile +aren$ %a' re+on! %ore harhl' $o a

$o!!ler ,ho i (n((all' a##rei-e/ $ha$ re+one i !ri-en in lar#e +ar$ *' $he

+aren$1 +ree2i$in# a$$i$(!e a*o($ .hil! rearin# 9Ha$in# an! R(*in ee alo

Gr(e. an! Ma%%one:0

4. A$ $hi ,ri$in#/ $he %o$ a%*i$io( (%%ar' of $he e2i$in# reear.h on .or+o6ral+(nih%en$ i a %ono#ra+h +(*lihe! *' Gerhoff in CC0 Of $he $(!ie he

re-ie,e! $ha$ loo&e! a$ $he effe.$ on hor$6$er% .o%+lian.e/ $hree fo(n! a

+oi$i-e effe.$ an! $,o !i! no$ 9+0 :0 9E-en $hoe $hree !i!n1$ +ro-e $ha$ .or6

+oral +(nih%en$ ,a %ore effe.$i-e $han o$her %e$ho!0: More i%+or$an$/ her

%e$a6anal'i of a ,ho++in# ei#h$'6ei#h$ $(!ie !i.o-ere! $ha$ .or+oral +(n6




ih%en$ *' +aren$ i ao.ia$e! ,i$h "!e.reae! %oral in$ernalia$ion/

in.reae! .hil! a##reion/ in.reae! .hil! !elin3(en$ an! an$io.ial

*eha-ior/ !e.reae! 3(ali$' of rela$ionhi+ *e$,een +aren$ an! .hil!/

!e.reae! .hil! %en$al heal$h/ in.reae! ri& of *ein# a -i.$i% of +h'i.al

a*(e/ in.reae! a!(l$ a##reion/ in.reae! a!(l$ .ri%inal an! an$io.ial

*eha-ior/ !e.reae! a!(l$ %en$al heal$h/ an! in.reae! ri& of a*(in# o,n

.hil! or +o(e5 9+0 :0 Alo ee $he ,or& of M(rra' S$ra(0

5.M.8or! / ++0 Q0

6.I offer a .ri$i3(e of o%e of $he "Ne, Di.i+line5 +ro#ra%/ in.l(!in# "Di.i6

+line ,i$h Di#ni$'/5 "8oo+era$i-e Di.i+line/5 "Di.i+line ,i$h Lo-e an! Lo#i./5

an! $he re.o%%en!a$ion offere! *' R(!olf Drei&(r an! hi follo,6er/ in

%' *oo& for $ea.her/ Beyond Discipline. See e+e.iall' .ha+$er 7

"P(nih%en$ Li$e7 8one3(en.e1 an! Pe(!o.hoi.e05

7.Pie+er an! Pie+er/ +0 CJ0 Thi i no$ $o a' $ha$ $here i no (.h $hin# a a

$r(e na$(ral .one3(en.e0 If ,e $a' (+ la$e/ ,e1ll li&el' *e $ire! in $he

%ornin#0 If ,e !on1$ #o ho++in#/ ,e1ll e-en$(all' r(n o($ of foo!0 B($ $hee

.enario are -er' !ifferen$ fro%/ a'/ a +aren$1 ref(al $o hea$ (+ !inner for

a .hil! ,ho .o%e ho%e la$e0 8all $ha$ ,ha$e-er 'o( li&e7 I$1 $ill a

+(nih%en$/ an! one $ha$ feel +ar$i.(larl' h(%ilia$in#/ a$ $ha$0 9An

a..o%+an'in# "I $ol! 'o( o5 or "I$ er-e 'o( ri#h$5 or "I ho+e 'o(1-e learne!

'o(r leon5 ,ill onl' er-e $o %a&e $he .hil! feel e-en ,ore0:

8.Hoff%an 0 Nee!le $o a'/ $hi i har! $o !o0 Reear.h 9e0#0/ Ri$.hie:

.on6fir% $ha$ +aren$ are %ore li&el' $o re+on! +(ni$i-el' !(rin# a .onfli.$ in

,hi.h $he' an! $heir .hil!ren are lo.&e! in a *a$$le of ,ill $han af$er a in#le

a.$ of non.o%+lian.e0

9.Gino$$/ +0 0

10.Hoff%an a/ +0 0

11.Gor!on J/ ++0 / 0

12.Hoff%an an! Sal$$ein/ +0 0

13. For e2a%+le/ ee Hoff%an a/ +0 0 S$ra( C 9+0 : %a&e$he a!!i6$ional +oin$ $ha$ +aren$ ,ho +an& *($ e2+lain ,h' $he'1re !oin# o

are "$ea.hin# $he .hil! ;($ ,ha$ $o !o an! ,ha$ $o a' ,hen he or he hi$

ano$her .hil!05

14. For e-i!en.e $ha$ $hi i $r(e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ ee Hoff%an a/ ++0

/ 0

15.Thi a%e +heno%enon ho, (+ in .hool ,i$h re#ar! $o *e$$er an! ,ore

for% of $ea.hin#/ a I ar#(e! in an ar$i.le .alle! "E!(.a$ion1 Ro$$en A++le5

9Kohn CC:0

8HAPTER 7 PUSHED TO SU88EED

1.L($har an! Be.&er0



2.Fro%%/ +0 2-i0

3.L($har an! D1A-ano0 Thee a($hor/ ,ho .on!(.$e! a $(!' of nearl' fi-e h(n6

!re! $eena#er/ o%e in a (*(r*an hi#h .hool an! o%e in an inner6.i$' hi#h



CC N O T E S T O P A G E S Q J

.hool/ no$e $ha$/ !e+i$e $hee !a$a/ $ea.her ee% $o $hin& $he for%er $(!en$

are in *e$$er ha+e0 The reear.her +e.(la$e $ha$ ",ha$ i een a +ro*le%

*eha-ior ,i$hin an inner6.i$' .hool %a' *e -ie,e! a .rea$i-e elf6e2+reion *'

$he (*(r*an $ea.her an! $h( re+on!e! $o ,i$h #rea$er $oleran.e5 9+0 J:0

4.Nore%6He*eien an! <ohnon0 (o$a$ion a++ear on +0 C0

5. In one of hi $an!6(+ ro($ine/ Geor#e 8arlin a&7 "Wha$ &in! of e%+$' +eo6+le

nee! $o -ali!a$e $he%el-e $hro(#h $he a.hie-e%en$ of $heir .hil!ren@ 0 0 0

Here1 a *(%+er $i.&er I1! li&e $o ee7 WE ARE THE PROUD P ARENTS OF A 8HILD

WHOSE SELF6ESTEEM IS SUFFI8IENT THAT HE DOESN1T NEED US PROMOTING HIS

MINOR S8HOLASTI8 A8HIEVEMENTS ON THE B A8K OF OUR 8 AR05

6.The a-aila*le reear.h !oe no$ (++or$ $he +ra.$i.e of !ela'in# $he $ar$ of

&in!er#ar$en0 A++aren$ a.a!e%i. *enefi$ $(rn o($ $o *e lar#el' ill(or'/ a f(n.6$ion

of $he o.ioe.ono%i. .hara.$eri$i. of $he .hil!ren ,hoe +aren$ hel! $he%*a.&/ ra$her $han *ein# !(e $o $he +ra.$i.e i$elf0 In o$her ,or!/ $he .hil6!ren of

affl(en$/ hi#hl' e!(.a$e! +aren$ ,o(l! ha-e !one ;($ a ,ell re#ar!6le of

,hen $he' $ar$e! .hool0 An' *enefi$ $ha$ !o $(rn o($ $o *e real $en! $o

e-a+ora$e ,i$hin a .o(+le of 'ear0 An! $he !a$a ho, no o.ial *enefi$ of re!6

hir$in# if an'$hin#/ $he' hin$ of !ia!-an$a#e $ha$ %a' ho, (+ la$er0 9For

!e$ail/ alon# ,i$h a li$ of referen.e/ ee Marhall0: So%e +aren$ %a' *e

$e%+$e! $o en#a#e in $hi +ra.$i.e *e.a(e of ho, &in!er#ar$en are *e.o%in#

in.reain#l' a.a!e%i.)a $ren! al%o$ (ni-erall' !e+lore! *' e2+er$ in earl'6

.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion)*($ if %ore .hil!ren *e#in &in!er#ar$en ,hen $he'1re ol!er/

$ha$ %a' e2a.er*a$e $he a..elera$ion of a fo.( on a.a!e%i. &ill/ $here*'

.rea$in# a -i.io( .ir.le 98o!en e$ al0/ +0 C:0

7.The reear.h $o (++or$ ,ha$ follo,)in.l(!in# an e2$en!e! !i.(ion of

al$erna$i-e $o $ra!i$ional #ra!e).an *e fo(n! in %' *oo& The

&chools <ur Children Deserve, an! alo/ $o a %ore li%i$e! e2$en$/ in o%e of

$he ea' a*o($ #ra!in# a-aila*le a$

,,,0alfie&ohn0or#$ea.hin#ar$i.le0h$%0

8. A%e an! Ar.her0

9.Grolni.& an! R'an0

10.The $(!ie are/ re+e.$i-el'/ Go$$frie! e$ al0 an! Dorn*(.h e$ al0 JJ0 A

$hir! $(!'/ of fif$h6#ra!e .hil!ren an! $heir +aren$ in Ver%on$/ alo fo(n! $ha$

re,ar! for #oo! #ra!e an! +(nih%en$ for *a! #ra!e ",ere ao.ia$e! ,i$h

lo,er #ra!e an! +oorer a.hie-e%en$ .ore5 a ,ell a "le %o$i-a$ion/

+lea(re/ an! +eri$en.e in !oin# $heir ,or& in .hool5 9Gin*(r# an! Bron6$ein

3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 :0 Here/ ho,e-er)(nli&e in $he $,o $(!ie

!e.ri*e! in $he $e2$)i$ ,an1$ a .lear $ha$ $he +aren$al $ra$e#ie caused $hoe

+ro*le%0 I$1 +oi*le $ha$ +aren$ reor$e! $o *ri*e an! $hrea$ *e.a(e $heir &i! alrea!' ha! a.a!e%i. !iffi.(l$ie for o$her reaon0 B($ a$ $he -er' lea$ $hee

$ra$e#ie !i!n1$ %a&e $hin# an' *e$$er0

11.Bore&0 Fran& M.8o(r$/ $he a($hor of !ngela0s !shes, on.e re%ar&e! $ha$/

!(r6in# ei#h$een 'ear of $ea.hin# a$ a +re$i#io( hi#h .hool/ onl' on.e !i!



a +ar6en$ e-er a& hi%/ "I %' .hil! en;o'in# .hool@5 All $he o$her 3(e$ion

,ere a*o($ $e$ .ore/ .olle#e a++li.a$ion/ an! #e$$in# $he ,or& !one 9.i$e!

in Mer6ro,/ +0 C:0

N O T E S T O P A G E S J Q

12. "Of$en (nreali$i. $an!ar!57 Har$er / +0 CJC0 "Le$$in# $heir +aren$

!o,n57 +eronal .o%%(ni.a$ion ,i$h Lilian Ka$ in 0 Fear of fail(re7 Ellio$an! Thrah0

13.Grolni.&/ +0 J0

14.I !e.ri*e non.o%+e$i$i-e ,a' $o +la'/ learn/ an! ,or& in a *oo& .alle! 7o

Contest+ The Case !gainst Copetition 9Kohn C:0

15. S.hi%el e$ al0/ +0 0 For .i$a$ion $o o$her $heori$ ,ho !efen! $he i!ea of

.on6!i$ional a..e+$an.e an! .on!i$ional elf6e$ee%/ ee 8ro.&er an! Wolfe/ +0

0

16. N(%ero( $(!ie ha-e .onfir%e! $ha$ .hil!ren are na$(rall' in.line! $o $r' $o%a&e ene of $he ,orl!/ $o +(h $he%el-e $o !o $hin# ;($ *e'on! $heir .(r6

ren$ le-el0 More *roa!l'/ $he i!ea $ha$ i$ i na$(ral $o !o a li$$le a +oi*le i a

reli. of "$enion6re!(.$ion5 or ho%eo$a$i. %o!el/ ,hi.h hol! $ha$ or#ani%

al,a' ee& a $a$e of re$0 Fe, %o!el ha-e *een o $horo(#hl' re+(!ia$e! in

%o!ern +'.holo#'0 In$ere$e! rea!er %i#h$ loo& (+ $he ,or& of Gor!on All6+or$

a ,ell a fin!in# .on.erne! ,i$h $he f(n!a%en$al h(%an i%+e$( $o a$$ain a

ene of .o%+e$en.e 9Ro*er$ Whi$e:/ $o *e elf6!e$er%inin# 9Ri.har! !e 8har%/

E!,ar! De.i/ an! o$her:/ $o a$if' o(r .(rioi$' 9D0 E0 Berl'ne:/ or $o "a.$(alie5

o(r +o$en$ial in -ario( ,a' 9A*raha% Malo,:0

17. For one of %an' $(!ie ho,in# $ha$ fail(re lea! $o an e2+e.$a$ion of

f($(re fail(re/ ee Paron an! R(*le0 For reear.h ho,in# $ha$ fail(re lea!

$o a +ref6eren.e for eaier $a& an! $o lo,er in$rini. %o$i-a$ion/ ee

Wi#fiel! Har$er C an! -ario( +(*li.a$ion of De.i an! R'an0

18.8ro.&er an! Wolfe/ ++0 / 0

8HAPTER 7 WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@

1.See/ for e2a%+le/ $he an! (r-e' en$i$le! "Ki! Thee Da'5

.on6!(.$e! *' P(*li. A#en!a/ a +(*li. o+inion fir%0 9For !e$ail a*o($ $he

la$$er re+or$7 ,,,0+(*li.a#en!a0or#+e.ial&i!&i!0h$%0: The ne,+a+er

(%6%ar' of $he fir$ of $hee re+or$ a++eare! in $he 7e% 2ork Ties on

<(ne C/ 0

2.Gr(** an! Laeron/ ++0 / J0

3.Thee $a$i$i. are fro% $he Na$ional 8en$er for 8hil!ren in Po-er$' a$

8ol(%6*ia Uni-eri$' an! $he Ur*an In$i$($e/ re+e.$i-el'0

4.8la'$on0

5.For e2a%+le/ +aren$ ,ho !o %(.h of $heir .hil!ren1 ho%e,or& for $he% %a&e a

$e%+$in# $ar#e$ for .ri$i.0 B($ $he %ore +rein# 3(e$ion i ho, %(.h of $ha$

ho%e,or& i ,or$h !oin# *' an'one0 If ,e .onfine $he !i.(ion $o ,he$her +ar6

en$ are $oo in-ol-e!/ $oo ea#er $o %a&e $hin# ea' for $heir .hil!ren/ ,e fail $o




6.Di2 e$ al0 (o$a$ion a++ear on ++0 J an! 0

7.8ro6.(l$(ral e-i!en.e7 Pe$eren e$ al0 Rela$ion *e$,een .onfor%i$' an!

!i.i6+line7 L($er e$ al0 an! Gerri e$ al0

8.Hol$/ +0 C0 To!a'/ he .on$in(e/ -en#ean.e "#oe (n!er $he %ore !i#nifie!na%e of re$ri*($ion/ ,hi.h li$erall' %ean +a'in# *a.&01 Ho, $he (fferin#

infli.$e! on an offen!er .o%+ena$e for hi .ri%e ha ne-er *een .lear/

(nle i$ i $hro(#h $he -in!i.$i-e a$ifa.$ion i$ %i#h$ *rin# $o hi -i.$i% an!

o.ie$'0 B($ i $hi ;($i.e@5

9.Gre-en/ +0 0

10.For e2a%+le/ one 8hri$ian %ini$er re.o(n$ ho, hi ei#h$een6%on$h6ol! on

,a "!efian$l' .hallen#in#5 hi a($hori$' *' ref(in# $o hol! hi han! in a +ar&6in#

lo$0 Wha$ follo,e! ,a a "erie of re+ea$e! +an&in# 9,i$h e2+lana$ion an!

a*(n!an$ !i+la' of affe.$ion *e$,een ea.h one:/ (n$il he finall' realie! $ha$

Da!!' al,a' ,in an! %ins decisively# 5 Thi a++roa.h i !e.ri*e! a "lo-in#

.orre.$ion05 9Larr' To%.a&1 *oo& i 3(o$e! in Gre-en/ +0 0:

11.See/ for e2a%+le/ Le-i$i.(/ .ha+$er C De($erono%'/ .ha+$er CJ Pro-er*/

.ha+$er or Ro%an/ .ha+$er 0

12.(o$e! in Gor!on J/ +0 22-i0

13.M(.h !e+en! on ho, $he $er% are !efine! an! $ranla$e! in$o reear.h

%ea6(re0 For e2a%+le/ 'o(1! ,an$ $o !i$in#(ih *e$,een +aren$ ,ho

.an1$ *e *o$here! $o re+on! ,hen $heir .hil!ren !o o%e$hin# ,ron# an!+aren$ ,ho/ ,i$h .are an! !eli*era$ion/ .hooe a +oli.' of %ini%al

in$er-en$ion0 In an' .ae/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h .hil!ren ,ere +(nihe! in one

$(!' ,a a +o,erf(l +re!i.6$or of ho, a##rei-e an! an$io.ial $he' ,ere

ei#h$ 'ear la$er/ ,herea ne#le.$ ,a no$ 98ohen e$ al0:0

14.We1-e alrea!' een $ha$ Ba(%rin! i ena%ore! of a re.i+ro.i$' %o!el for

fa%6il' rela$ionhi+ an! $ha$ he $hin& (n.on!i$ional lo-e ,ill %a&e .hil!ren

"elfih an! !e%an!in#5 9+0 CCn:0 She alo a(%e $ha$ "$r(.$(re5 in $he

fa%il' re3(ire $he (e of e2$rini. %o$i-a$or an! ".on$in#en$ reinfor.e%en$/5

,hi.h he $ron#l' (++or$0 She a++ro-e of +an&in#/ !i%ie .ri$i.i%

of +(nih%en$ a "($o+ian/5 an! !e.lare $ha$ +aren$ ,ho !on1$ (e +o,er $o

.o%+el o*e!ien.e ,ill *e een a "in!e.ii-e5 9Ba(%rin! :0

Unfor$(na$el'/ $he reear.h he .i$e $o ho, $ha$ a($hori$a$i-e +aren$in#

,or& *e$ !oen1$ (++or$ an' of $hee +oi$ion0 Her ori#inal fin!in# ,ere

in$er+re$e! a +ro-in# $ha$ a .o%*ina$ion of ,ar%$h an! "fir% .on$rol5 9or

"enfor.e%en$5: ,a o+$i%al0 B($ ano$her reear.her ,ho loo&e! a$ $he !a$a

.aref(ll' 9Le,i J: !i.o-ere! $ha$ $he +oi$i-e o($.o%e for .hil!ren of

a($hori$a$i-e +aren$ !i!n1$ a.$(all' ee% $o *e .onne.$e! $o $he (e of fir%

enfor.e%en$ a$ all0 Ki! ,hoe +aren$ ,ere ,ar% *($ no$ .on$rollin# !i! ;($

a ,ell a &i! ,hoe +aren$ ,ere *o$h)+ro*a*l'/ he (##e$e!/ *e.a(e

.on6$rol in $he $ra!i$ional ene in1$ re3(ire! $o .rea$e $r(.$(re an!

+re!i.$a*ili$' a Ba(%rin! 9an! %an' o$her: a(%e!0

B' $he a%e $o&en/ Ba(%rin! ee%e! $o *l(r $he !ifferen.e *e$,een



"+er%ii-e5 +aren$ ,ho ,ere reall' ;($ .onf(e! an! $hoe ,ho ,ere !eli*6

era$el' !e%o.ra$i.0 There ,ere no +ro*le% ,i$h $he .hil!ren of $he la$$er +ar6


en$/ (##e$in#/ in $he ,or! of ano$her +'.holo#i$/ $ha$ "a .loe loo& a$

Ba(%rin!1 a.$(al !a$a %a' re-eal i#nifi.an$ (++or$ for .hil!6.en$ere! +ar6

en$in#5 98rain/ +0 J: e-en $ho(#h Ba(%rin! ha .rea$e! a -er' !ifferen$

i%+reion *e.a(e he +eronall' o++oe $ha$ $'le0

S(*e3(en$ reear.h (in# Ba(%rin!1 for%(la$ion ee% $o (++or$ $hi

-ie,0 A h(#e $(!' of $eena#er 9La%*orn e$ al0 : !i! in!ee! fin! *enefi$

fro% ,ha$ ,a !e.ri*e! a "a($hori$a$i-e5 +aren$in#/ *($ $ha$ $er% ,a !efine! $o

%ean $ha$ +aren$ ,ere a,are of/ an! in-ol-e! ,i$h/ $heir .hil!ren1 li-e/ no$ $ha$

$he' ,ere e-en $he lea$ *i$ +(ni$i-e or .on$rollin#0 Ano$her $(!' 9S$ra#e an!

Bran!$: i%ilarl' .i$e! Ba(%rin! *' ,a' of (##e$in# $ha$ +aren$ nee! $o *e *o$h

(++or$i-e an! !e%an!in#/ *($ i$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ *ein# !e%an!in# ,hen $heir

.hil!ren ,ere 'o(n# ,a (nrela$e!/ or e-en ne#a$i-el' rela$e!/ $o -ario(

!eira*le o($.o%e0 B' .on$ra$/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he +aren$ ha! *een (+6

+or$i-e/ an! alo $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he' ha! en.o(ra#e! $heir .hil!ren1 in!e6

+en!en.e/ ha! a $ron# +oi$i-e rela$ionhi+ $o $hoe a%e o($.o%e0

15. Gr(e. an! Ma%%one/ +0 alo ee Ha$in# an! R(*in0 Bar*er e$

al0 .o%6%en$e! $ha$ "$he %o$ +o,erf(l o(r.e of +'.holo#i.al .on$rol ,ill

*e $he +aren$1 o,n +'.holo#i.al $a$(5 9+0 C:0

16.Miller/ +0 0

17. Ha$in# an! Gr(e. J0 Ho,e-er/ i$1 no$ al,a' ea' $o $ell ,hoe

nee! are reall' *ein# #i-en $o+ +riori$'0 So%e +aren$ ,ho .on+i.(o(l'

a.rifi.e e-er'6$hin# for $heir .hil!ren/ ,hoe -er' li-e ee% $o re-ol-e

aro(n! $he%/ a.$(all' $(rn o($ $o *e ra$her nar.ii$i.0 The #i-ea,a' i $ha$

$he' $en! $o ha-e +e.if6i./ ri#i! e2+e.$a$ion for $heir .hil!ren an! are li&el'

$o *e inor!ina$el' .on6$rollin#0 E-er'$hin# %($ *e ;($ o no$hin# .an !e-ia$e

fro% $heir +lan0 The fa%il' a++ear $o *e .hil!6.en$ere! $o a fa(l$/ 'e$ $he .hil!

i reall' *ein# (e! $o %ee$ $he +aren$1 o,n nee!0

18. Thi .an *e a fear $ha$ one i in.o%+e$en$ a$ raiin# a .hil!/ *($ i$ .an

alo *e a '%+$o% of a %ore #eneral fear of ina!e3(a.'0 Re.all $ha$ a

+aren$1 fear of fail(re i ao.ia$e! ,i$h $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al 9ee +0

J:0

19.Gr(e. an! Ma%%one/ +0 C0

20.B(#en$al e$ al0/ +0 CJ0

21. Thi 3(o$a$ion/ (e! *' K(n. in hi +reen$a$ion/ alo a++ear a$ ,,,0

nor%e%%a0.o%h%-o($0h$%0

22. A*(i-e +aren$ ee $he%el-e a -i.$i%7 B(#en$al e$ al0/ +0 CJ0 In!ee!/

a..or!in# $o la$er reear.h 9ee B(#en$al an! Ha++ane':/ o%e +aren$ e-ena.ri*e %ale-olen$ %o$i-e $o in)ants, lea!in# $o a .'.le of +er.ei-e! +o,er6

lene/ an#er/ an! a*(e0 Loo&in# for ne#a$i-e %o$i-e in $he .hil!7

Lie*er%an/ +0 0

23.See Ha$in# an! Gr(e. J/ +0 an! a (%%ar' of Ha$in#1

reear.h *' Gr(e. e$ al0 / +0 CJ0



24. The a.$ of ,a$.hin# $ele-iion i no$/ a o%e +eo+le *elie-e/ inheren$l'

%in!6n(%*in#0 A+ar$ fro% %hat one ,a$.he/ ,ha$ %a$$er i ho% one

,a$.he0 Thi i a $hei $ha$ I !e-elo+e! in an ea' en$i$le! "Tele-iion an!

8hil!ren7 ReVie,in# $he E-i!en.e5 9Kohn J:0




25.Gor!on J/ +0 C0

26.See L($er e$ al0/ +0 0

8HAPTER 7 PRIN8IPLES OF UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING

1.The $a$i$i. i fro% S$ra( C/ .i$in# a $(!' *' Ro*er$ Larelere an!

hi .ollea#(e0 The 3(o$a$ion i fro% S$ra( C/ +0 C0

2.For e2a%+le/ %o$her in one $(!' ,ere a&e! $o #e$ $heir fo(r6'ear6ol! .hil!ren

$o !o o%e$hin# $ha$ ,an1$ $erri*l' in$ere$in# 9or$ +la$i. for& an! +oon: e-en

$ho(#h $o' in $he a%e roo% +ro-i!e! a +o,erf(l !i$ra.$ion0 Half of $he %o$her

,ere $ol! $ha$ $he' ,o(l! *e a&e! $o lea-e $he roo% a$ o%e +oin$ $o ee if $heir

.hil!ren ,o(l! .on$in(e ,or&in# on $he $a& ,hen $he' ,ere *' $he%el-e0 I$

$(rne! o($ $ha$ $hoe in $hi #ro(+/ ,hoe #oal ,a $o eli.i$ .o%6+lian.e for alon#er +erio! an! in $he a*en.e of an a!(l$/ ,ere %ore li&el' $han $he o$her

%o$her 9,ho ,ere fo.(e! e2.l(i-el' on $he here6an!6no,: $o rea6on ,i$h $heir

.hil!ren/ $o (e !ifferen$ &in! of e2+lana$ion/ an! $o *e %ore n(r$(rin# in $heir

in$era.$ion0 F(r$her%ore/ ,ha$ $he' !i! ,or&e!7 E-en a ;(!#e! *' $he re(l$

,hen $he %o$her ,ere $ill +reen$/ .hil!ren ,ere %ore li&el' $o $a' on $a& if

$heir %o$her ,ere (in# $he &in! of $ra$e#ie !ei#ne! ,i$h lon#6ran#e #oal in

%in! 9K(.'n&i J:0

3.One #ro(+ of reear.her +($ i$ $hi ,a'7 The fir$ +riori$' for +aren$

ho(l!n1$ *e $o loo& for "i$(a$ion6+e.ifi. ol($ion5 $o +ro*le% $he'1re

ha-in# ,i$h $heir .hil!ren/ *($ $o "#e$ %ore ini#h$ =in$o> $heir o,n ,a' of

$hin&in# an! feel6in# a*o($ $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir .hil!5 9Gerri e$ al0/ +0

J:0 The ne2$ $e+/ of .o(re/ ,o(l! *e $o use $ha$ ini#h$ $o $r' $o +reer-e

an! $ren#$hen $he rela$ionhi+0 Thi ho(l! *e a +riori$' e-en if i$ o%e$i%e

$a&e +re.e!en.e o-er %a&in# &i! !o ,ha$ ,e a'0

4.Gor!on / +0 CCJ0

5.8oloroo/ ++0 CQ0

6. Lie*er%an/ +0 0

7.Here %' fo.( i on e2+e.$a$ion $ha$ are (nreali$i. ;($ *e.a(e of $he

.hil!1 a#e0 B($ %an' .hil!ren ha-e +e.ial nee! an! li%i$a$ion $ha$

i%ilarl' re$ri.$ $heir .a+a.i$' $o !o ,ha$ $heir +aren$ e2+e.$)an! i$1

e3(all' +oin$le in (.h .ae/ e-en .r(el/ $o +re one1 !e%an!0 For a

#oo! anal'i of $he .hallen#e fa.e! *' o%e .hil!ren $ha$ %a&e $ra!i$ional

!i.i+line $e.hni3(e +ar$i.(larl' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ ee Greene0

8.See/ e0#0/ No!!in#/ +0 C0 She +oin$ o($ $ha$ $hi i!ea i !eri-e! fro% $he

+hiloo+her Mar$in B(*er1 i!ea of ".onfir%a$ion05

9. Le,i / ++0 CQ0

10. E-en in (.h a .ae/ ho,e-er/ a Maril'n Wa$on +oin$ o($/ $he .hil!

%a' ha-e in$en!e! le har% $han he a.$(all' .a(e!0 She alo re%ar& $ha$/

e-en in an in$an.e ,hen $he a(%+$ion of inno.en.e %a' *e (nfo(n!e!/



$he effe.$ %a' *e $o +ro%+$ $he .hil! $o $r' $o li-e (+ $o $he +aren$1 +oi$i-e

i%a#e of her 9+er6onal .o%%(ni.a$ion/ <(ne C:0

11.For e2a%+le/ ee $he $(!ie .i$e! in D(%a an! LaFreniere/ +0 0

N O T E S T O P A G E S Q J

12. "No 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 ,ell/ o&a'/ I #(e5 i $he %irror

i%a#e of ano$her (nheal$h' +a$$ern $ha$ I !e.ri*e! earlier/ in ,hi.h a +aren$le$ e-er'$hin# li!e an! $hen (!!enl' e2+lo!e7 "O&a' 0 0 0 o&a' 0 0 0

o&a' 0 0 0

o&a' 0 0 0 o&a' 0 0 0 7<###8 )a..o%+anie! *' +(nih%en$0

13.Miller/ ++0 JJQJ0 Alo ee Gor!on / ++0 CQCC/ CQ0

8HAPTER J7 LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTA8HED

1.Tha$ !oen1$ %ean/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ ha++ine ho(l! *e one1 onl' #oal0 See +0 Cn0

2.Gor!on / +0 C0

3.Wa$on/ ++0 C/ 0

4. I*i!0/ +0 C0

5.Lo-e$$/ ++0 / / Q0

6.The i!ea $ha$ ha++ine !e+en! on ,ha$ one o,n i no$ o%e$hin# ,e

,an$ $o .(l$i-a$e in o(r .hil!ren0 Plen$' of a!(l$ a.$ a $ho(#h $he' *elie-e

$hi/ e-en $hoe ,ho are fa%iliar ,i$h $he .'.le in ,hi.h a -er' hor$6li-e!

*(r$ of +lea6(re fro% a.3(irin# 'e$ ano$her +air of hoe or fan.' !i#i$al#a!#e$ i follo,e! *' a ra+i! re$(rn $o $he +ree2i$in# $a$e of re$lene or

*ore!o%0 Wha$ ha a+$l' *een .alle! ".o%%o!i$' fe$ihi%5 i no$ e+e.iall'

heal$h'/ e-en if i$ i enor%o(l' +rofi$a*le $o $he .or+ora$ion $ha$ $rain $o

.on-in.e ( ,e nee! ea.h ne,6an!6i%+ro-e! i$e% $he'1re ellin#0

7.<((l/ +0 0

8.For %ore on $hee i(e/ ee Punished by e%ards 9Kohn :/ e+e.iall'

.ha+$er 9"The Praie Pro*le%5: an! $he Af$er,or!0

9.Gr(e. e$ al0 J0 In ano$her $(!'/ $he li&elihoo! of .hil!ren1 *ein##enero( in.reae! *o$h ,hen $he' ,ere +raie! an! ,hen $he' ,ere le! $o

$hin& of $he%el-e a hel+f(l +eo+le0 B($ in a follo,6(+ e2+eri%en$/ $he la$$er

#ro(+ $(rne! o($ $o *e %ore #enero( $han $hoe ,ho ha! re.ei-e! -er*al

reinfor.e6%en$0 In o$her ,or!/ +raie in.reae! #eneroi$' in a #i-en e$$in#

*($ .eae! $o *e effe.$i-e o($i!e $ha$ e$$in#/ ,herea .hil!ren ,i$h a

!ee+er reaon $o *e #enero( .on$in(e! $o a.$ on $ha$ %o$i-a$ion in o$her

.ir.(%$an.e 9Gr(e. an! Re!ler:0

10.Karen D0 Arnol! of Bo$on 8olle#e/ $he a($hor of 'ives o) Proise, i 3(o$e!

in Ri%er0

11.For %ore on $he i%+or$an.e of $hi !i$in.$ion/ ee Kohn */ .ha+$er C0

12. I1-e $a&en a $a* a$ $hi %'elf *' ,ri$in# a hor$ *oo& for $ea.her .alle!

Beyond Discipline 9Kohn :0 I alo re.o%%en! a *oo& .alle! 'earning to

Trust 9Wa$on:/ ,hi.h !e.ri*e $,o 'ear in $he life of a $ea.her in an inner6



.i$' .hool ,ho/ *' %ee$in# $he .hil!ren1 nee!/ (..ef(ll' $eer .lear of

%ore .oer.i-e a++roa.he $o .laroo% %ana#e%en$0

8HAPTER 7 8HOI8ES FOR 8HILDREN

1.I re-ie,e! o%e of $he reear.h on $hi $o+i. in Kohn 0 In$ere$e! rea!er

ho(l! alo loo& (+ $he ,or& of E!,ar! De.i/ Ri.har! R'an/ an! Wen!' Grol6



CJ N O T E S T O P A G E S J Q J C

ni.&/ ,ho ha-e ,ri$$en e2$eni-el' a*o($ $he e2+erien.e of a($ono%' in !iffer6

en$ !o%ain of life0 The $er% "+a,n5 an! "ori#in/5 in.i!en$all'/ .o%e fro%

$he +'.holo#i$ Ri.har! !e 8har%0

2.No$e $ha$ $hee are no$ $he a%e $hin#0 "The fa.$ $ha$ a +aren$ !oe no$ a++l'

+'.holo#i.al .on$rol $o a .hil! !oe no$ a($o%a$i.all' %ean $ha$ $hi +aren$i en.o(ra#in# or fo$erin# a($ono%'5 9Bar*er e$ al0/ +0 C:0

3.8hil!ren are %ore li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e!7 See ++0 Q0 More a+$ $o rel'

on $heir +aren$7 Se-eral $(!ie (++or$in# $hi fin!in# are .i$e! in 8hir&o- e$ al0/

+0 J0 Feelin# *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e7 E..le e$ al0/ +0 C0 More li&el' $o $a' o($

of $ro(*le7 Yo($h fro% all e$hni. *a.&#ro(n! ,hoe +aren$ in.l(!e! $he% in

!e.iion %a&in# ,ere le li&el' $o (e !r(# an! al.ohol/ an! le li&el' $o *e

in-ol-e! in .hool %i.on!(.$ or an$io.ial *eha-ior a 'ear la$er 9La%*orn e$ al0

:0 8olle#e $(!en$ feel .onfi!en$ a*o($ $he%el-e7 S$ra#e an! Bran!$0 In

%o$ of $he $(!ie .i$e! in $hi +ara#ra+h/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +ar6en$ (++or$e!

$heir .hil!ren1 a($ono%' ,a ;(!#e! *' ,ha$ $he .hil!ren e2+e6rien.e!/ no$ *'

,ha$ $he +aren$ re+or$e!0 E..le ho,e! $ha$ $hee a..o(n$ of$en !iffer/ an!/ a

I1-e no$e!/ i$1 ,ha$ $he &i! *elie-e $ha$ %a$$er0

4.8ai e$ al0/ +0 0 In $he ori#inal 3(o$a$ion/ ea.h of $hee i$e% i follo,e! *'

one or %ore .i$a$ion in +aren$hee0

5.We ha-e $o *e -er' .aref(l here/ $ho(#h/ *e.a(e $he enor%o( +o,er $ha$

+ar6en$ +oe .an eail' $(rn ,ha$ loo& li&e a %ere o*er-a$ion or

re.o%%en!a6$ion in$o a -ir$(al !e%an!0 The $a.i$ $hrea$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al%($ *e a-oi!e!/ an! $he final !e.iion ho(l! re$ ,i$h $he .hil! in $hoe

.ae ,here ,e a' i$ !oe0 I$ %a' *e fr($ra$in# ,hen &i! !e.i!e no$ $o !o

,ha$ ,e1-e (##e$e!/ *($ ,e ho(l! -ie, $hoe in$an.e a .onfir%a$ion

$ha$ ,e1-e %ana#e! $o hel+ $he% feel $r(l' a($ono%o(0

6.For +ra.$i.al (##e$ion for !ealin# ,i$h i*lin# .onfli.$/ ee Fa*er an!

Malih J0 Their o$her *oo& are alo ,ell ,or$h rea!in#0

7.Lie*er%an/ +0 0 She .on$in(e7 "One .an en! (+ ,i$h a i$(a$ion ,here $he

+aren$ i infli.$in# on $he ol!er i*lin# $he a%e &in! of ar*i$rar' +o,er $ha$ $he

ol!er i*lin# i $r'in# $o infli.$ on $he 'o(n#er one0 The +aren$1 a.$ion $o $o+ $he

$ron#er i*lin#1 +o,er .an #i-e $he %ea#e7 Do a I a'/ no$ a I !o05

8. For e2a%+le/ ee $he !e.ri+$ion on +0 CCn0

9.Bal!,in/ +0 0

10.See $he reanal'i of Ba(%rin!1 !a$a in Le,i J/ e+e.iall' +0 C0 Ano$her

$(!'/ %ean,hile/ fo(n! $ha$ ,hen +aren$ $rea$ %i*eha-ior a an infra.$ion $o *e

+(nihe!/ &i! learn $o !ef'/ *($ ,hen +aren$ $rea$ %i*eha-ior a a +ro*6le% $o

*e ol-e! $o#e$her/ &i! learn $o ne#o$ia$e 9K(.'n&i e$ al0:0

11.Thi +oin$/ alon# ,i$h %(.h of ,ha$ .o%+rie $he follo,in# +ara#ra+h/ i

a!a+$e! fro% Kohn 0

12.S.o$$6Li$$le an! Hollo,a'0

13.Gor!on J/ +0 0



re.(er ",ere i#nifi.an$l' le li&el' $o =ha-e> e%+haie=!> o*e!ien.e5 or $o

ha-e (e! +h'i.al +(nih%en$0 In$ea! $he' fo.(e! on "reaonin#/ (##e6$ion

of ,a' $o re%e!' $he har% !one/ +er(aion/ an! a!-i.e/5 $here*' .o%6

%(ni.a$in# "a %ea#e of re+e.$ for an! $r($ in =$heir> .hil!ren5 $ha$ hel+e!

$hee .hil!ren feel "a ene of +eronal effi.a.' an! ,ar%$h $o,ar! o$her5



orien$e!5 ar#(%en$ 9$ha$ $oo& a..o(n$ of $he o$her +eron1 in$ere$ in an effor$

$o fin! a .o%+ro%ie: ha! a %ea(ra*le effe.$ on $he ,a'

N O T E S T O P A G E S C Q C

$ha$ $he .hil!ren !eal$ ,i$h $heir +eer $hree 'ear la$er0 The reear.her

re%ar&e! $ha$ i$ %a' no$ *e eno(#h $o $ea.h .onfli.$6reol($ion &ill $o .hil6

!ren ,e alo ha-e $o .oni!er $he .hil!1 "fir$6han! e2+o(re5 $o .onfli.$ a$

ho%e 9Herrera an! D(nn 3(o$a$ion on +0 J:0

15.D($.h $(!'7 Gerri e$ al0 8ana!ian $(!'7 Ha$in# an! Gr(e. 0 U0S0

$(!'7 Ko.han&a0

16. Miller/ ++0 JQ0 Thee ar#(%en$ for% $he .ore of her en$ire *o!' of ,or&

) an! alo $ha$ of %an' o$her $hera+i$ ,ho ,ri$e a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren0

17. Re.all $ha$ reear.h (++or$ $he +er.e+$ion $ha$ +aren$ are .on$an$l'

$e++in# in $o in$err(+$/ $h,ar$/ an! +re-en$0 See ++0 / Cn0

APPENDI7 PARENTING STYLES

1.Le-ine0

2.Moier an! Ro#off 3(o$a$ion on ++0 QJ0

3.Ro$h*a(%/ +eronal .orre+on!en.e/ <an(ar' CC0

4.One #ro(+ of reear.her raie $he in$ri#(in# +oi*ili$' $ha$ a .(l$(re le

fo.(e! on .hoi.e %a' +ro-i!e a !i$in.$ a!-an$a#e e-en if .hil!ren ha-e fe,er

o++or$(6ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion0 Re.all $ha$ a($hori$arian +aren$ are %ore li&el'

$han nona($hori$arian +aren$ $o a$$ri*($e ne#a$i-e %o$i-e $o .hil!ren0 The' $en!

$o a(%e $ha$ a .hil! a.$in# in a ,a' $he' !on1$ li&e i *ein# !eli*era$el' !efian$

or a##rei-e or %ali.io()an! $hi %a' +ro-o&e $he% $o re+on! ,i$h %ore

.oer6.ion an! +o,er6*ae! in$er-en$ion/ ,hi.h e$ a -i.io( .ir.le in$o %o$ion0

B($ in o%e .(l$(re/ e-en +aren$ ,ho a.$ in a ,a' ,e ,o(l! -ie, a

a($hori$arian %a' *e le li&el' $o %a&e (.h a(%+$ion a*o($ $heir .hil!ren1

%o$i-e *e.a(e +eo+le aren1$ een a in!e+en!en$/ !e.iion6%a&in# a#en$0

Hen.e/ $here i le .onfli.$ in $he rela$ionhi+0 9See Gr(e. e$ al0 / +0 CC0:

5.Grolni.&/ ++0 / 0 Bar*er an! Har%on alo re+or$ +reli%inar' !a$a fro% a$(!' of nine !ifferen$ .(l$(re/ in.l(!in# $,o $ha$ are rela$i-el' .olle.$i-i$/

ho,in# a .oni$en$ rela$ionhi+ *e$,een +'.holo#i.al .on$rol *' +aren$

an! *o$h !e+reion an! an$io.ial *eha-ior in .hil!ren0

6.R'an an! De.i C/ ++0 CQ0 For a !ifferen$ -ie, of $hee i(e)an! a

%ore !e$aile! anal'i of .ro6.(l$(ral !ifferen.e in "a($ono%'5 an! "rela$6

e!ne5)ee Ro$h*a(% an! Tro%%!orff0

7."Ra$e of +aren$1 (e57 Thi .on.l(ion *' Gerhoff/ +0 C/ i follo,e! *' fif6$een

.i$a$ion0 "8hil!ren in $he lo,er o.ioe.ono%i. .lae57 Do!#e e$ al0/ +0 C0 Alo

ee Sear e$ al0 an! Si%on e$ al0 0 Gerhoff no$e/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ o%e

$(!ie ha-e faile! $o fin! $he a%e rela$ionhi+0 Thi %a' *e rela$e! $o $he

+e.ifi. a+e.$ of o.ioe.ono%i. $a$( $ha$1 *ein# in-e$i#a$e!0 For e2a%+le/

$he (e of +h'i.al +(nih%en$ %a' *e %ore .oni$en$l' 9ne#a$i-el': rela$e! $o

+aren$1 le-el of e!(.a$ion $han $o $heir in.o%e or o..(+a$ion0



8.See 8on#er e$ al0 an! alo $he e-i!en.e re-ie,e! in Grolni.&/ ++0 JQJ0

9.Mel-in Kohn1 re(l$7 M0 Kohn0 9No rela$ion/ in .ae 'o( ,ere ,on!erin#0: Kohn1

fin!in# .onfir%e! *' o$her7 See/ for e2a%+le/ S.haefer an! E!#er$on

Pin!erh(#he e$ al0 an! Gerri e$ al0 In$erna$ional !a$a7 Pe$eren e$ al0



CC N O T E S T O P A G E S C Q C C

10.Le li&el' $o +refer a($ono%'7 Al,in 9+0 C: .i$e fi-e $(!ie $o (++or$ $hi

.on.l(ion0 More li&el' $o a++ro-e of a##reion7 Do!#e e$ al0

11.8la %a' ha-e %ore of an i%+a.$ $han ra.e7 Pin!erh(#he e$ al0 Thi a%e

$(!'/ ho,e-er/ fo(n! $ha$ ra.e re%ain rele-an$/ a !i! Dea$er6De.&ar! e$

al0 Gile6Si% e$ al0 9$he $(!' .on!(.$e! in : an! S$ra( an! S$e,ar$

9$he $(!' .on!(.$e! in :0 M.Leo! e$ al0 9+0 J:/ rel'in# on a h(#e

na$ional !a$a e$ fro% JJ/ alo re+or$e! $ha$ ",hi$e %o$her re+or$e!

+an&in# $heir .hil!ren le of$en5 !(rin# $he +re.e!in# ,ee& $han !i! *la.&

%o$her/ *($ he a!!e! $ha$ $hi %a' ha-e *een a$ lea$ +ar$l' *e.a(e $he

la$$er in $hi a%+le ,ere %ore li&el' $han $he for%er $o *e +oor0

12.O++oi$ion *' CC -er( +er.en$7 Fl'nn0 De.linin# a++ro-al o-er C 'ear7

S$ra( an! Ma$h(r0

13.Dea$er6De.&ar! e$ al0 Tha$ la$ 3(alifi.a$ion i -er' i%+or$an$7 "There a++ear$o *e a *o(n!ar' for $he e2$re%i$' of harh +h'i.al !i.i+line +a$ ,hi.h $he

effe.$ are !ele$erio(/ an! e3(all' !ele$erio(/ for all .hil!ren5 9Dea$er6

De.&ar! an! Do!#e/ +0 J:0

14.Of .o(re/ $hi +oin$ ha *een %a!e *' %an' o$her $heori$/ in.l(!in# Eri&

Eri&on an!)%ore rele-an$ $o $hi !i.(ion)Dea$er6De.&ar! an! Do!#e/ ,ho

ar#(e7 "A++aren$l' i%ilar +aren$al *eha-ior 9(.h a +an&in#: %a' ha-e

!ifferen$ %eanin# an! .one3(en.e in !ifferen$ .(l$(ral %ilie(5 9+0 J:0

15. Thi +oin$ ,a %a!e *' $he la$e H(#h L'$$on 9+0 C:/ an e%inen$

reear.her in h(%an !e-elo+%en$/ an! *' D0 80 Ro,e 9+0 CC:0 Ro,e alo

3(e$ion D6D D1 fin!in# on $he #ro(n! $ha$ $he %ea(re of +aren$in#

+ra.$i.e %a' no$ ha-e ha! e3(al relia*ili$' for ,hi$e an! *la.&/ or e3(al

-ali!i$' 9if/ a'/ *la.& %o$h6er ha! reaon $o %i$r($ $he in$er-ie,er:0

16.Thi +oin$ i %a!e *' S$ra( C0

17.La%*orn e$ al0 0 (o$a$ion on +0 C0

18.Si%on e$ al0 CC0

19.S$ra( e$ al0

20.Kil#ore e$ al0

21.Rohner e$ al0 (o$a$ion a++ear on +0 0

22.Kelle' e$ al0/ +0 0

23."Ma$ernal fear a*o($ .hil! -i.$i%ia$ion ,ere (nrela$e! $o +aren$in# orien$a6

$ion5 in $he $(!' re+or$e! in Kelle' e$ al0 9+0 :/ al$ho(#h in an (n+(*lihe!

!ier$a$ion Kelle' +re-io(l' re+or$e! ha-in# fo(n! (.h a rela$ion0

24.La%*orn e$ al0 an! Si%on e$ al0 CC/ re+e.$i-el'0

25.Thi +oin$ i alo %a!e *' S$ra( e$ al0 in $he .on$e2$ of $heir fin!in# $ha$

+h'6i.al +(nih%en$ ha !a%a#in# effe.$ on .hil!ren of all ra.e0

26. Grolni.& %a!e %(.h $he a%e +oin$0 In $o(#h nei#h*orhoo!/ "$he



!e-elo+%en$ of elf6re#(la$ion an! re+oni*ili$')*o$h o($.o%e of

a($ono%' (++or$i-e +aren$in#)are ;($ a ne.ear'/ if no$ %ore o/ $han

$he' are for .hil!ren of a!-an$a#e5 9Grolni.&/ +0 :0



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Pre/ 0K(.'n&i/ Leon0 "Reaonin#/ Prohi*i$ion/ an! Mo$i-a$ion for 8o%+lian.e05

Developental Psychology 9J:7 CQ0

)))0 "So.ialia$ion Goal an! Mo$her68hil! In$era.$ion7 S$ra$e#ie for Lon#6Ter%

an! Shor$6Ter% 8o%+lian.e05 Developental Psychology C 9J:7 Q0

K(.'n&i/ Leon/ an! Gra'na Ko.han&a0 "De-elo+%en$ of 8hil!ren1 Non.o%6

+lian.e S$ra$e#ie fro% To!!lerhoo! $o A#e 05 Developental Psychology C

9:7 JQJ0

K(.'n&i/ Leon/ Gra'na Ko.han&a/ Marian Ra!&e6Yarro,/ an! Ona Girni(6

Bro,n0 "A De-elo+%en$al In$er+re$a$ion of Yo(n# 8hil!ren1 Non.o%+lian.e05Developental Psychology C 9J:7 QJ0

La%*orn/ S(ie D0/ Sanfor! M0 Dorn*(.h/ an! La(ren.e S$ein*er#0 "E$hni.i$' an!

8o%%(ni$' 8on$e2$ a Mo!era$or of $he Rela$ion Be$,een Fa%il' De.iion

Ma&in# an! A!ole.en$ A!;($%en$05 Child Developent 9:7 CJQ0

La%*orn/ S(ie D0/ Nina S0 Mo(n$/ La(ren.e S$ein*er#/ an! Sanfor! M0 Dorn6

*(.h0 "Pa$$ern of 8o%+e$en.e an! A!;($%en$ A%on# A!ole.en$ fro%

A($hori$a$i-e/ A($hori$arian/ In!(l#en$/ an! Ne#le.$f(l Fa%ilie05 Child Devel-

opent C 9:7 Q0

Le-ine/ Ro*er$ A0 "8hallen#in# E2+er$ Kno,le!#e7 Fin!in# fro% an Afri.an S$(!'of Infan$ 8are an! De-elo+%en$05 In Childhood and !dolescence+ Cross-

Cultural Perspectives and !pplications, e!i$e! *' U,e P0 Gielen an! <ai+a(l

Roo+narine0 We$+or$/ 8T7 Prae#er/ C0

Le,in/ K(r$/ Ronal! Li++i$$/ an! Ral+h K0 Whi$e0 "Pa$$ern of A##rei-e Beha-ior

in E2+eri%en$all' 8rea$e! So.ial 8li%a$e01 5 :ournal o) &ocial Psychology

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Le,i/ 8a$herine 80 "The Effe.$ of Paren$al Fir% 8on$rol7 A Rein$er+re$a$ion of

Fin!in#05 Psychological Bulletin 9J:7 Q0

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Lo-e$$/ Her*er$0 Cognitive Counseling and Persons %ith &pecial 7eeds+ !dapting

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L($har/ S(ni'a S0/ an! Bron,'n E0 Be.&er0 "Pri-ile#e! *($ Pre(re!@7 A S$(!' of

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M.Leo!/ <ane D0/ 8an!a.e Kr($$.hni$$/ an! Ma(!e Dornfel!0 "Doe Paren$in#

E2+lain $he Effe.$ of S$r(.$(ral 8on!i$ion on 8hil!ren1 An$io.ial Beha-ior@5

&ocial 4orces 9:7 Q0

Merro,/ <ohn0 Choosing Excellence. Lanha%/ MD7 S.are.ro, Pre/ C0Miller/ Ali.e0 The Draa o) the *i)ted Child. Re-0 e!0 Ne, Yor&7 Bai./ 0

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Re'na/ 8hri$ine/ an! Bernar! Weiner0 "<($i.e an! U$ili$' in $he 8laroo%7 An

A$$ri*($ional Anal'i of $he Goal of Tea.her1 P(nih%en$ an! In$er-en$ion

S$ra$e#ie05 :ournal o) Educational Psychology 9C:7 Q0

Ri%er/ Sara0 "S.hool Mo-in# $o 8(r* Wran#lin# O-er Ran&in#05 7e% 2ork

Ties, Mar.h / C7 A0Ri$.hie/ Ka$h' L0 "Ma$ernal Beha-ior an! 8o#ni$ion D(rin# Di.i+line E+io!e05

Developental Psychology 9:7 JQJ0

Ro#er/ 8arl R0 "A Theor' of Thera+'/ Peronali$'/ an! In$er+eronal

Rela$ionhi+/ A De-elo+e! in $he 8lien$68en$ere! Fra%e,or&05 In

Psychology+ ! &tudy o) a &cience. S$(!' I7 8on.e+$(al an! S'$e%a$i./ -ol0 /

e!i$e! *' Si#%(n! Ko.h0 Ne, Yor&7 M.Gra,6Hill/ 0

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P'.holo6#i.al A!;($%en$ of 8hil!ren in S$0 Ki$$/ We$ In!ie05 :ournal o) 5arriage and the 4aily 9:7 JQ0

Ro$h*a(%/ Fre!/ an! Giela Tro%%!orff0 "Do Roo$ an! Win# 8o%+le%en$ or

O++oe One Ano$her@7 The So.ialia$ion of Rela$e!ne an! A($ono%' in 8(l6




$(ral 8on$e2$05 In $andbook o) &ociali=ation, e!i$e! *' <oan E0 Gr(e. an!

Pa(l D0 Ha$in#0 Ne, Yor&7 G(ilfor!/ in +re0

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Ro,e/ Mar' B(!!0 "Rela$ion of Wai$6Ti%e an! Re,ar! $o $he De-elo+%en$ of Lan#(a#e/ Lo#i./ an! Fa$e 8on$rol7 Par$ II)Re,ar!05 :ournal o) esearch in

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R'an/ Ri.har! M0/ an! Kir& Warren Bro,n0 "Wh' We Don1$ Nee! Self6E$ee%05

Psychological "n/uiry 9C:7 Q0

R'an/ Ri.har! M0/ an! E!,ar! L0 De.i0 "When Re,ar! 8o%+e$e ,i$h Na$(re7

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e!i$e! *' Mar& R0 Lear' an! <(ne Pri.e Tan#ne'0 Ne, Yor&7 G(ilfor!/ C0

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Who We Are05 :ournal o) Personality and &ocial Psychology J 9C:7 QC0S.h,ar$/ Barr'0 The Battle )or $uan 7ature+ &cience, 5orality, and 5odern 'i)e.

Ne, Yor&7 Nor$on/ J0

S.o$$6Li$$le/ M0 8a$herine/ an! S(an D0 Hollo,a'0 "8hil! 8are Pro-i!er1

Reaon6in# A*o($ Mi*eha-ior05 Early Childhood esearch Auarterly

9C:7 Q0

Sear/ Ro*er$ R0/ Eleanor E0 Ma..o*'/ an! Harr' Le-in0 Patterns o) Child

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8on#er0 "8o%%(ni$' Differen.e in $he Ao.ia$ion Be$,een Paren$in#Pra.$i.e an! 8hil! 8on!(.$ Pro*le%05 :ournal o) 5arriage and the 4aily

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en.e an! Ma$ernal Beha-ior05 Child Developent C 9:7 Q0

S$or%ha&/ Elia*e$h A0/ Karen L0 Bier%an/ Ro*er$ <0 M.Mahon/ an! Liliana <0

Len#(a0 "Paren$in# Pra.$i.e an! 8hil! Dir(+$i-e Beha-ior Pro*le% in Earl'

Ele%en$ar' S.hool05 :ournal o) Clinical Child Psychology C 9C:7 QC0




S$ra#e/ A%'/ an! Ta%ara S,anon Bran!$0 "A($hori$a$i-e Paren$in# an! 8olle#e

S$(!en$1 A.a!e%i. A!;($%en$ an! S(..e05 :ournal o) Educational

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S$ra(/ M(rra' A0 Beating the Devil <ut o) The+ Corporal Punishent in !eri-

can 4ailies and "ts E))ects on Children. Cn! e!0 Ne, Br(n,i.&/ N<7 Trana.6$ion/ C0

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S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ an! Ani$a K0 Ma$h(r0 "So.ial 8han#e an! $he Tren! in

A++ro-al of 8or+oral P(nih%en$ *' Paren$ fro% J $o 05 In 4aily

@iolence !gainst Children, e!i$e! *' De$le- Frehee/ Wie*&e Horn/ an! Kai6D0B(%ann0 Ne, Yor&7 Wal$er !e Gr('$er/ 0

S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ an! <(lie H0 S$e,ar$0 "8or+oral P(nih%en$ *' A%eri.an Par6

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Rela$ion $o 8hil! an! Fa%il' 8hara.$eri$i.05 Clinical Child and 4aily

Psychology evie% C 9:7 Q0

S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ Da-i! B0 S(#ar%an/ an! <ean Gile6Si%0 "S+an&in# *'

Paren$ an! S(*e3(en$ An$io.ial Beha-ior of 8hil!ren05 !rchives o)

Pediatrics and !dolescent 5edicine 9:7 Q0

S,anon/ Ben/ an! Bren$ Mallin.&ro!$0 "Fa%il' En-iron%en$/ Lo-e Wi$h!ra,al/8hil!hoo! Se2(al A*(e/ an! A!(l$ A$$a.h%en$05 Psychotherapy esearch

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Toner/ I#na$i( <0 "P(ni$i-e an! Non6P(ni$i-e Di.i+line an! S(*e3(en$ R(le6

Follo,in# in Yo(n# 8hil!ren05 Child Care Auarterly 9J:7 CQ0

Troni.&/ E!,ar! ?0 "E%o$ion an! E%o$ional 8o%%(ni.a$ion in Infan$05 !eri-

can Psychologist 9J:7 CQ0

Wal&er/ La,ren.e <0/ an! <ohn H0 Ta'lor0 "Fa%il' In$era.$ion an! $he

De-elo+%en$ of Moral Reaonin#05 Child Developent C 9:7 CQJ0

Wa$on/ Maril'n0 'earning to Trust+ Trans)oring Di))icult Eleentary ClassroosThrough Developental Discipline. San Fran.i.o7 <oe'6Ba/ C0

Wi#fiel!/ Allan0 "8hil!ren1 A$$ri*($ion for S(..e an! Fail(re05 :ournal o) Edu-

cational Psychology J 9JJ:7 QJ0

?ahn6Wa2ler/ 8arol'n/ Marian Ra!&e6Yarro,/ an! Ro*er$ A0 Kin#0 "8hil! Rearin#

an! 8hil!ren1 Proo.ial Ini$ia$ion To,ar! Vi.$i% of Di$re05 Child Develop-

ent 9:7 Q0



A8KNOWLEDGMENTS

Wi$ho($ A*i#ail an! Aa/ ,ho% 'o(1-e %e$ in $hee +a#e/ %'$ho(#h$ a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren ,o(l! *e *o$h le (*$an$i-e an! lein$ere$in#)an! o ,o(l! %' life0 E-en a+ar$ fro% $he $orie

I1-e $ol! a*o($ $he%/ %' ene of ,ha$ i$ %ean $o *e a +aren$ i

infor%e! in e-er' +ar$i.(lar *' *ein# their +aren$0 Si%ilarl'/ %'

$hin&in#)an!/ a#ain/ %' life)ha *een i%%ea(ra*l' enri.he! *'

$heir o$her +aren$/ %' ,ife/ Alia0 She/ $oo/ %a&e an a++earan.e in

$hee +a#e fro% $i%e $o $i%e/ *($ $hoe referen.e .an1$ *e#in $o

.a+$(re ho, %(.h I o,e her0 Her e2$raor!inar' ini#h$ an! +a$ien.e/

her .oni$en$ fo.( on !oin# ,ha$1 *e$ for o(r .hil!ren/ in+ire %e

an! i%+ro-e %e an! in-i$e %e $o e2a%6ine %' o,n +aren$in# .hoi.e0

9So !oe $he fa.$ $ha$ he o..aionall' a' $o %e/ onl' half in ;e$/"H%%%%0 No,/ ,ha$ ,o(l! Alfie Kohn a' a*o($ ,ha$ 'o( ;($ !i!@5:

Alia ,a in-al(a*le $o $hi *oo& in ano$her/ %ore +e.ifi. ,a'0

She rea! e-er' in#le .ha+$er an! offere! (##e$ion $ha$ relia*l'

i%+ro-e! $he ar#(%en$ an! $he $one0 Re%ar&a*l'/ Maril'n Wa$on/ $o

,ho% I1% no$ e-en rela$e!/ +erfor%e! a i%ilar er-i.e/ *rin#in# her

.oni!era*le ,i!o%/ er(!i$ion/ an! life e2+erien.e $o *ear on ,ha$ I

ha! ,ri$$en0 I1-e &no,n Maril'n for a #oo! ,hile no,/ an!/ a Ie2+laine! in $he fore,or! I ,a $hrille! $o ,ri$e for her o,n *oo& a

.o(+le of 'ear a#o/ her $hin&in# on .hil! !e-elo+%en$ ha infl(en.e!

%e a %(.h a $ha$ of an'one ele in $he fiel!0 B($ !on1$ hol! her)or/

for $ha$ %a$$er/ Alia) re+oni*le for e-er'$hin# on $hee +a#e ;($

#i-e $he% .re!i$ for $he +ar$ $ha$ %a&e ene $o 'o(0

While I1% a$ i$/ $here are o$her +eo+le ,ho li&e,ie ho(l! no$ *e

hel! re+oni*le/ an! $o ,ho% I1% #ra$ef(l for rea!in# +or$ion of $he



C A 8 K N O W L E D G M E N T S

*oo& an! re+on!in# ,i$h (ef(l .o%%en$/ lar#e an! %all7 Wen!'

Grolni.&/ Ri.h R'an/ Da-i! Al$h(ler/ Fre! Ro$h*a(%/ an! E! De.i0

Of .o(re/ $here %i#h$ no$ ha-e *een a *oo& for $hee +eo+le $o

i%+ro-e if i$ ,eren1$ for $he e2+er$ie an! in$ere$ of Gail Ro an! Tra.'

Behar/ a#en$ an! e!i$or e2$raor!inaire/ re+e.$i-el'0 I1% in!e*$e! $o *o$h

of $he% for)an! #ra$ifie! *')$heir !e!i.a$ion $o $hi +ro;e.$0



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