A.L.I.C.E.

AnadaptationofAlice’sAdventuresinWonderlandandThroughtheLooking-GlassbyLewisCarroll.

KevinBrown,HayleyRushing,BlakeWilloughby,andElmerGuardado©2019

CHARACTERSAliceMomVoiceWhiteRabbitCaterpillarCheshireCatDuchessCookTweedledeeTweedledumHumptyDumptyMarchHareMadHatterDormouseQueenofHeartsKingofHeartsKnaveofHeartsMockTurtleGryphonExecutionerCards(Two,Five,Seven)

SUMMARYScene1:DowntheRabbitHoleandThePoolofTears Alice,Mom,Voice,WhiteRabbitScene2:AdvicefromaCaterpillar Alice,Caterpillar,VoiceScene3:PigandPepper(TheCheshireCat) Alice,CheshireCat,Duchess,Cook,VoiceScene4:TweedledumandTweedledee Alice,Tweedledum.Tweedledee,VoiceScene5:AMadTeaParty Alice,MadHatter,MarchHare,Dormouse,VoiceScene6:HumptyDumpty Alice,HumptyDumpty,VoiceScene7:TheQueen’sCroquetGround Alice,Queen,WhiteRabbit,CheshireCat,King,Duchess,Knave,Executioner,Cards, VoiceScene8:TheMockTurtle’sStoryandLobsterQuadrille Alice,Gryphon,MockTurtle,VoiceScene9:WhoStoletheTarts?andAlice’sEvidence Alice,Queen,King,Knave,Executioner,WhiteRabbit,MarchHare,Dormouse,Mad Hatter,Gryphon,Cook,Cards,Humpty,Tweedledum,Tweedledee,Voice,Mom

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ACTI

Scene1:DowntheRabbitHoleandThePoolofTearsWefindAliceatplayinherbedroomintheVictorian-erahomeofherwell-to-dofamily.Aliceplaysforawhilewithpaperdollsinatoytheatre.[Momenters.]

MOMAlicemydear,it’stimeforbed.

ALICEMomma,doyouthinkpaperdollsgettiredofplayinginapapertheatre?

MOMI’msuretheymakedo.Now,offtobed!

ALICEMayIread?

MOM[Considers.]Onechapter.Thenyouneedtogetdressedforbedandgetsomesleep—soyou’renotdozingoffduringmorninglessons.

ALICEOkaymummy.Thankyou.Goodnight![Momexits.Aliceslowlyputsawaythetoysthenmakesherwaytoherbed.Shepicksupabookandstartsreading.Asshereads,thescenerybeginstochange.We’retransportedtoanaturesceneonthebankofariverontheEnglishcountryside.Weseeapantomimeofachildren’sstoryaboutforestanimals,thestorythatAliceisreading.]

VOICEAlicewasbeginningtogetverytired.[Suddenly,aWhiteRabbitrunscloseby.]

RABBITOhdear!Ohdear!Ishallbetoolate![Therabbittakesawatchoutofitswaistcoat-pocket,looksatit,thenhurrieson.]

ALICEIhaveneverbeforeseenarabbitwitheitherawaist-coat-pocketorawatchtotakeoutofit.

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[Alicegetsuptolookattherabbit.]Howcurious!

VOICEAliceranafterthewhiterabbit,justintimetoseeitpopdownalargerabbithole.InanothermomentdownwentAliceafterit,neveronceconsideringhowintheworldshewastogetoutagain.Alicehadnotamomenttothinkaboutstoppingherselfbeforeshefoundherselffallingdownwhatseemedtobeaverydeepwell.[Assheentersthehole,thescenebecomesincrediblydark.Alicenoticesthatthesidesoftheholesheisfallingthrougharefilledwithcupboardsandbookshelves.ShetriestograbajarofOrangeMarmaladebutitdriftsaway.]

ALICEWell!Aftersuchafallasthis,Ishallthinknothingoftumblingdownstairs!Howbravethey’llallthinkmeathome!Why,Iwouldn’tsayanythingaboutit,evenifIfelloffthetopofthehouse!IwonderhowmanymilesI’vefallenbythistime?Imustbegettingsomewherenearthecenteroftheearth.Letmesee:thatwouldbefourthousandmilesdown,Ithink.IwonderifIshallfallrightthroughtheearth!Howfunnyit’llseemtocomeoutamongthepeoplethatwalkwiththeirheadsdownwards!Theantipathies,Ithink—No,thatdoesn’tsoundatalltherightword—ButIshallhavetoaskthemwhatthenameofthiscountryis,youknow.Please,Ma’am,isthisNewZealand?OrAustralia? [AsAlicefallsindarkness,shebeginstofeelsleepy,andhazyimagesbeginto appearasifsheisenteringadream.Oneoftheimagessheseesishercat, Dinah.]Dinah,mydear!Iwishyouweredownherewithme!Therearenomiceintheair,I’mafraid,butyoumightcatchabat,andthat’sverylikeamouse,youknow.Butdocatseatbats,Iwonder? [Gettingsleepy,dreamily.]Docatseatbats?Docatseatbats?Dobatseatcats?

VOICEYousee,asshecouldn’tanswereitherquestion,itdidn’tmuchmatterwhichwaysheputit.Whensuddenly,thump!Downshecameuponaheapofsticksanddryleaves,andthefallwasover.Alicewasnotabithurt,andshejumpedupontoherfeet,andbeforeherwasalongpassage.TheWhiteRabbitwasstillinsight,andAlicewasjustintimetohearitsay—

RABBITOhmyearsandwhiskers,howlateit’sgetting!

VOICEShewasclosebehinditwhensheturnedthecorner,buttheRabbitwasnolongertobeseen.

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[Alicefindsherselfinalong,lowhall.Therearedoorsallroundthehall,butshetriesthemandfindsthattheyarealllocked.Alicecomesuponalittlethree-leggedtable,allmadeofsolidglass;thereisnothingonitbutatinygoldenkey,andshepicksitup.]

ALICEPerhapsthisbelongstooneofthedoors.Alas!Eitherthelocksaretoolarge,orthekeyistoosmall.Atanyrateitwillnotopenanyofthem. [Alicecomesuponalowcurtainshehadnotnoticedbefore,andbehinditisa littledooraboutfifteenincheshigh:shetriesthelittlegoldenkeyinthelock.]Itfits! [Aliceopensthedoorandfindsthatitleadsintoasmallpassage,notmuch largerthanarathole:shekneelsdownandlooksalongthepassageintothe loveliestgardenyoueversaw.]Oh,howIlongtogetoutofthisdarkhall,andwanderaboutamongthosebedsofbrightflowersandthosecoolfountains,butIcannotevengetmyheadthoughthedoorway.Andevenifmyheadwouldgetthrough,itwouldbeofverylittleusewithoutmyshoulders.IfonlyIknewhowtobegin.

VOICEFor,yousee,somanyout-of-the-waythingshadhappenedlatelythatAlicehadbeguntothinkthatveryfewthingsindeedwerereallyimpossible.[Alicegoesbacktothetableandfindsalittlebottleonit.]

ALICEThiscertainlywasnotherebefore. [Alicepicksupasmallbottlewithapaperlabelwiththewords“DRINKME,” beautifullyprintedonitinlargeletters.]Drinkme?No,I’lllookatitfirstandseeifit’smarked“poison”ornot. [Shelooksatthebottle.]Notpoison. [Shetastesit.]Thisisverynice.Tasteslike—amixedflavor—cherrytart,custard,pineapple,roastturkey,toffee,andhot-butteredtoast! [AsAlicedrinks,shebeginstoshrink.]Whatacuriousfeeling!Imustbeshuttinguplikeatelescope!NowI’mtherightsizeforgoingthroughthelittledoorintothatlovelygarden.IwonderifIamgoingtoshrinkanyfurther.[Nervously.]Foritmightend,youknow,inmygoingoutaltogether,likeacandle.IwonderwhatIshouldbelikethen?

VOICEAfterawhile,shedecidedongoingintothegardenatonce,but,alasforpoorAlice!Whenshegottothedoor,shefoundshehadforgottenthelittlegoldenkey,andfoundshecouldnotpossiblyreachit.

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[Alicetriesherbesttoclimbuponeofthelegsofthetable,butitistooslippery,andwhenshehastiredherselfout,shesitsdowncries.]

ALICECome,there’snousecryinglikethat!Iadviseyoutoleaveoffthisminute!

VOICEShegenerallygaveherselfverygoodadvice,(thoughsheveryseldomfollowedit).Oncesherememberedtryingtoboxherownearsforhavingcheatedherselfinagameofcroquetshewasplayingagainstherself,forthiscuriouschildwasveryfondofpretendingtobetwopeople.

ALICEButit’snousenow,topretendtobetwopeople!Why,there’shardlyenoughofmelefttomakeonerespectableperson! [Hereyefallsonalittleglassboxthatislyingunderthetable.Aliceopensthe boxandfindsaverysmallcake,onwhichthewords“EATME”arebeautifully markedincurrants.]Eatme?Well,I’lleatit,andifitmakesmegrowlarger,Icanreachthekey;andifitmakesmegrowsmaller,Icancreepunderthedoor:soeitherwayI’llgetintothegarden,andIdon’tcarewhathappens. [Shebeginstoeatthecake.VerysoonAlicehasfinishedoffthecake,andbegins togrowlarger.]Curiouserandcuriouser!I’mopeningoutlikethelargesttelescopethateverwas!Goodbye,feet!

VOICEJustatthismomentherheadstruckagainsttheroofofthehall:infactshewasnowrathermorethanninefeethigh.[Aliceatoncetakesupthelittlegoldenkeyandhurriesofftothegardendoor,butfindsherselftolargetogetin.Shesitsdownandbeginstocry.]

ALICEYououghttobeashamedofyourself,agreatgirllikeyou,togooncryingthisway!

VOICEButshewentonallthesame,sheddinggallonsoftears,untiltherewasalargepoolallroundher,aboutfourinchesdeepandreachinghalfdownthehall.

ALICEStopthismoment,Itellyou!

VOICE

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Afteratimesheheardalittlepatteringoffeetinthedistance,andshehastilydriedhereyestoseetheWhiteRabbitreturning,splendidlydressed,withapairofwhitekidglovesinonehandandalargefanintheother.[Therabbitcomestrottingalonginagreathurry,mutteringtohimself.]

RABBITOh!TheDuchess,theDuchess!Oh!Won’tshebesavageifI’vekeptherwaiting!

ALICEIfyouplease,Sir— [TheRabbitstartsviolently,dropsthewhitekidglovesandthefan,andscurries awayintothedarknessashardashecouldgo.Alicetakesupthefanand gloves,and,asthehallisveryhot,shekeepsfanningherselfasshetalks.]Dear,dear!Howqueereverythingistoday.Andyesterdaythingswentonjustasusual.IwonderifI’vechangedinthenight?Letmethink:wasIthesamewhenIgotupthismorning?IalmostthinkIcanrememberfeelingalittledifferent.ButifIamnotthesame,thenextquestionis“WhointheworldamI?”A,that’sthegreatpuzzle!

VOICEAndshebeganthinkingoverallthechildrensheknew,thatwereofthesameageasherself,toseeifshecouldhavebeenchangedforanyofthem.

ALICEI’msureI’mnotAda,forherhairgoesinsuchlongringlets,andminedoesn’tgoinringletsatall;andI’msureIcan’tbeMabel,forIknowallsortsofthings,andshe,oh,sheknowssuchaverylittle!Besides,she’ssheandI’mI,and—ohdear,howpuzzlingitallis!I’lltryifIknowallthethingsIusedtoknow.Letmesee:fourtimesfiveistwelve,andfourtimessixisthirteen,andfourtimessevenis—ohdear!Ishallnevergettotwentyatthatrate!Let’stryGeography.LondonisthecapitalofParis,andParisisthecapitalofRome,andRome—no,that’sallwrong.I’mcertain!ImusthavechangedforMabel!I’lltryandsay“Howdoththelittle”— [Alicecrossesherhandsonherlap,asifsheissayinglessons,buthervoice soundshoarseandstrange.]HowdoththelittlecrocodileImprovehisshiningtail,AndpourthewatersoftheNileOneverygoldenscale!Howcheerfullyheseemstogrin,Howneatlyspreadshisclaws,Andwelcomeslittlefishesin,Withgentlysmilingjaws!I’msurethesearenottherightwords. [Beginstocryagain.]ImustbeMabelafterall!

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[Alicelooksdownatherhands,andissurprisedtoseethatshehasputon oneoftheRabbit’slittlewhitekidgloveswhileshewastalking.]HowcanIhavedonethat?Imustbegrowingsmallagain.

VOICEAlicegotupandwenttothetabletomeasureherselfbyit,andfoundthat,asnearlyasshecouldguess,shewasnowabouttwofeethigh,andwasgoingonshrinkingrapidly:shesoonfoundoutthatthecauseofthiswasthefanshewasholding,andshedroppedithastily,justintimetosaveherselffromshrinkingawayaltogether.

ALICEAndnowforthegarden![Aliceusesthekey,opensthedoor,andgoesthroughit.]

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Scene2:AdvicefromaCaterpillarAliceentersthebeautifulgarden,andfindsherselfamongenormous,brightlycoloredflowersandtoweringbladesofdeep-greengrass.

VOICE

AsAliceenteredthegarden,shebegantofeelsleepyagain,sosheleantagainstabuttercuptorest,andfannedherselfwithoneoftheleaves.

ALICEI’dnearlyforgottenthatI’vegottogrowupagain!Letmesee—howisittobemanaged?IsupposeIoughttoeatordrinksomethingorother;butthegreatquestionis,what?

VOICEAlicelookedallroundherattheflowersandthebladesofgrass,butshecouldnotseeanythingthatlookedliketherightthingtoeatordrinkunderthecircumstances.Therewasalargemushroomgrowingnearher,aboutthesameheightasherself,andwhenshehadlookedunderit,andonbothsidesofit,andbehindit,itoccurredtoherthatshemightaswelllookandseewhatwasonthetopofit.Shestretchedherselfupontiptoe,andpeepedovertheedgeofthemushroom,andhereyesimmediatelymetthoseofalargebluecaterpillar,thatwassittingonthetopwithitsarmsfolded,quietlysmokingalonghookah,andtakingnotthesmallestnoticeofherorofanythingelse.

CATERPILLAR[Encouragingly.]Whoareyou?

ALICE

[Shyly.]I—Ihardlyknow,sir,justatpresent—atleastIknowwhoIwaswhenIgotupthismorning,butIthinkImusthavebeenchangedseveraltimessincethen.

CATERPILLAR

[Sternly.]Whatdoyoumeanwhenyousaythat?Explainyourself.

ALICEIcan’tevenexplainmyself,I’mafraid,sir,becauseI’mnotmyselfyousee.

CATERPILLAR

Idon’tsee.

ALICEI’mafraidIcan’tunderstanditmyselftobeginwith;andbeingsomanydifferentsizesinadayisveryconfusing.

CATERPILLER

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Itisn’t.

ALICEWell,perhapsyouhaven’tfounditsoyet,butwhenyouhavetoturnintoachrysalis—youwillsomeday,youknow—andthenafterthatintoabutterfly,Ishouldthinkyou’llfeelitalittlequeer,won’tyou?

CATERPILLAR

Notabit.

ALICEWell,perhapsyourfeelingsmaybedifferent,allIknowis,itwouldfeelveryqueertome.

CATERPILLAR

[Contemptuously.]You!Whoareyou?

ALICE[Irritated.]Ithink,yououghttotellmewhoyouare,first.

CATERPILLARWhy? [Aliceturnsaway.][Callingafterher.]Comeback!I’vesomethingimportanttosay! [AliceturnsaroundandreturnstotheCaterpillar.]Keepyourtemper.

ALICE[Swallowingheranger.]Isthatall?

CATERPILLARNo. [AlicewaitsinsilenceastheCaterpillarfoldshisarmsandpuffsawayathis hookah.][Unfoldinghisarmsandtakingthehookahoutofhismouth.]Soyouthinkyou’vechanged,doyou?

ALICEI’mafraidIam,sir.Ican’trememberthingsasIusedto—andIdon’tkeepthesamesizefortenminutestogether.

CATERPILLARCan’trememberwhatthings?

ALICE

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[Withmelancholyinhervoice.]Well,I’vetriedtosay“HowDoththeBusyBee,”butitallcamedifferent!

CATERPILLARRepeat“YouAreOld,FatherWilliam.”

ALICE“Youareold,fatherWilliam,”theyoungmansaid“Andyourhairhasbecomeverywhite;Andyetyouincessantlystandonyourhead—Doyouthink,atyourage,itisright?”“Inmyyouth,”fatherWilliamrepliedtohisson,“Ifeareditmightinjurethebrain;ButnowthatI’mperfectlysureIhavenoneWhyIdoitagainandagain.”

CATERPILLARThatisnotsaidright.

ALICE[Timidly.]Notquiteright,I’mafraidsomeofthewordsandlengthhavegotaltered.

CATERPILLAR[Decidedly.]Itwaswrongfrombeginningtoend. [Thereisanuncomfortablesilence.]Whatsizedoyouwanttobe?

ALICE[Hastily.]Oh,I’mnotparticularastosize,onlyonedoesn’tlikechangingsooften,youknow.

CATERPILLARIdon’tknow. [Aliceislosinghertemper.]Areyoucontentnow?

ALICEWell,Ishouldliketobealittlelarger,sir,ifyouwouldn’tmind.Threeinchesissuchawretchedheighttobe.

CATERPILLAR[Angrilyandrearingupitselfupright.]Itisaverygoodheightindeed![AlicerealizesthattheCaterpillarisactuallythreeinchestall.]

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ALICE[Pleading.]ButI’mnotusedtoit!

CATERPILLARYou’llgetusedtoitintime. [Caterpillarputshishookahbackinhismouthandstartspuffingawayagain. Afteracouplepuffsityawnsandattemptstoshakeoffthesleep.The Caterpillarproceedstohopoffitsmushroomandcrawlawayintothegrassas heexits.]Onesidewillmakeyougrowtaller,andtheothersidewillmakeyougrowshorter.

ALICE[Alicelooksconfusedandisponderingthestatement.]Onesideofwhat?

CATERPILLAR

[Trailingoffbeforecrawlingoutofsight.]Ofthemushroom.[Aliceisnowfixatedonthemushroom.Aftercontemplatingitsroundnessandponderingwhichsideiswhich,Alicestretchesherarmsarounditasfarastheywouldgo,andbreaksoffabitoftheedgewitheachhand.]

ALICE[Toaudience.]Andnowwhichsideiswhich?[Aliceeatsthepiecethatmakesherlarger.]

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Scene3:PigandPepper(TheCheshireCat)

Asmallhousesitsinanopenareawithinadark,coolforest.ThehouseresemblesthehomesAliceoncesawinhernativelandwherenobilityandthosewhowereofhighacclaimedlived.

VOICEAliceverysooncametoanopenfield,withawoodontheothersideofit:itlookedmuchdarkerthanthegarden,andAlicefeltalittletimidaboutgoingintoit.However,onsecondthoughts,shemadeuphermindtogoin.Assheenteredthewooditwasverycoolandshady.Beforetoolongshecametoaclearing,inthemiddleoftheclearingwasatinyhouse.

ALICE

HowamItogetin?

CAT[Offstageunseen.]Areyoutogetinatall?That’sthefirstquestion,youknow.

ALICEWhosaidthat?[Muttering.]It’sreallydreadfulthewayallthecreaturesargue,talk,andhide.It’senoughtodriveonecrazy![Flustered.]ButwhatamItodo?[Pause.]Ohthereisnouseintalkingtomyself.[Aliceopensthedoortothehouseandenters.]

COOKMorepepper!

ALICE[Alicesneezes.]There’scertainlytoomuchpepperinthatsoup! [Shesneezesagain.ShenoticesagrinningcatsittingnexttotheDuchess. Timidly,totheDuchess.]Pleasewouldyoutellme,whyyourcatgrinslikethat?

DUCHESSIt’saCheshireCatandthat’swhy.

ALICEIdidn’tknowCheshireCatsalwaysgrinned;infact,Ididn’tknowthatcatscouldgrin.

DUCHESSTheyallcanandmostof‘emdo.

ALICE

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Idon’tknowofanythatdo.

DUCHESSYoudon’tknowmuch.That’safact!

[TheCookthrowsasaucepaninthedirectionofAlice.Itbarelymissesher.]

ALICEOh,pleasemindwhatyou’redoing!

DUCHESS[Inahoarsegrowl.]Ifeverybodymindedtheirownbusinesstheworldwouldgoroundadealfasterthanitdoes.

ALICEWhichwouldnotbeanadvantage.[Proudly.]Justthinkwhatworkitwouldmakewiththedayandnight!Youseetheearthtakestwenty-fourhourstoturnroundonitsaxis—

DUCHESS[TotheCook.]Talkingofaxes,chopoffherhead![TheCookcontinuestostirthesoup,whilesheignorestheDuchess.]

ALICETwenty-fourhours,Ithink;orisittwelve?I—

DUCHESSOh,don’tbotherme!Inevercouldabidefigures!Bychancedoyourememberhowthe“Jabberwocky”begins?

ALICEThewhat?

DUCHESSThe“Jabberwocky?”

ALICEThatcan’tbearealwordcanit?

CAT‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytoves Didgyreandgimbleinthewabe:

ALICEWhosaidtha—

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DUCHESS

Yes!Allmimsyweretheborogoves, Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.“BewaretheJabberwock,myson! Thejawsthatbite,theclawsthatcatch!BewaretheJubjubbird,andshun ThefrumiousBandersnatch!”Hetookhisvorpalswordinhand; Longtimethemanxomefoehesought—SorestedhebytheTumtumtree Andstoodawhileinthought.And,asinuffishthoughthestood, TheJabberwock,witheyesofflame,Camewhifflingthroughthetulgeywood, Andburbledasitcame!One,two!One,two!Andthroughandthrough Thevorpalbladewentsnicker-snack!Heleftitdead,andwithitshead Hewentgalumphingback.“AndhastthouslaintheJabberwock? Cometomyarms,mybeamishboy!Ofrabjousday!Callooh!Callay!” Hechortledinhisjoy.‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytoves Didgyreandgimbleinthewabe:Allmimsyweretheborogoves, Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.

COOKWow!Wow!Wow!

ALICE[Politely.]Interesting—

DUCHESS

Oh,hush!NowthatIcanreciteit,ImustgoandgetreadytoplaycroquetwiththeQueen!ShewillbeeversopleasedthatIknowitnow!

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[DuchesshurriedlyexitstheroomandCookthrowsafryingpanatDuchessassheexits.]

ALICEWhatapeculiarandrudewoman.IguessIshouldcontinueon. [Aliceexitsthesmallhomeandentersintothewoods.Shewalksaroundand beginstodiscovershehaswalkedaroundthesametreemultipletimes.]IfonlyIknewtherightway— [CheshireCatentersonatree.Aliceisstartled.]Oh! [CheshireCatgrins.][Timidly.]CheshirePuss— [CheshireCatgrinsalittlewider.][Timidly.]Wouldyoutellme,please,whichwayIoughttogofromhere?

CATThatdependsagooddealonwhereyouwanttogetto.

ALICEIdon’tmuchcarewhere—

CATThenitdoesn’tmatterwhichwayyougo.

ALICE—solongasIgetsomewhere.

CATOh,you’resuretodothat,ifyouonlywalklongenough.

ALICEWhatsortofpeopleliveabouthere?

CATInthatdirection,

[Wavingitsrightpawround.]livestheHatter:andinthatdirection,

[Wavingtheotherpaw.]livestheMarchHare.Visiteitheryoulike:they’rebothmad.

ALICEButIdon’twanttogoamongmadpeople.

CATOh,youcan’thelpthat,we’reallmadhere.I’mmad.You’remad.

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ALICEHowdoyouknowI’mmad?

CATYoumustbe,oryouwouldn’thavecomehere.

ALICEAndhowdoyouknowthatyou’remad?

CATTobeginwith,adog’snotmad.Yougrantthat?

ALICEIsupposeso.

CATWell,then,youseeadoggrowlswhenit’sangry,andwagsitstailwhenit’spleased.NowIgrowlwhenI’mpleased,andwagmytailwhenI’mangry.ThereforeI’mmad.

ALICEIcallitpurring,notgrowling.

CATCallitwhatyoulike.DoyouplaycroquetwiththeQueentoday?

ALICEIshouldlikeitverymuch,butIhaven’tbeeninvitedyet.

CATBecareful.She’sinafowlmood.Somebodystolehertarts.

[Vanishesfromthetree.CheshireCatexits.Thensuddenlyappearsagain.CheshireCatenters.]

By-the-bye,whatareyourthoughtsontheDuchess?I’dnearlyforgottentoask.

ALICE[Quietly.]Sheisquiterude.

CATSoareyou— [Vanishes,again.CheshireCatexits.]

ALICE[WaitstoseeifCheshireCatwillreturn.Itdoesn’t.]OfftotheMarchHare!I’veseenhattersbefore,theMarchHarewillbemuchthemostinteresting,andperhaps,asthisisMay,itwon’tberavingmad—atleastnotsomadasitwasinMarch.

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[Assheiswalking,theCheshireCatreappears.]

CATDidyousay“rude,”or“food”?

ALICEIsaid“rude,”andIwishyouwouldn’tkeepappearingandvanishingsosuddenly:youmakeonequitegiddy!

CATAllright.

[CheshireCatexitsbyslowlyvanishing,beginningwiththeendofthetail,andendingwiththegrin.]

ALICEWell!I’veoftenseenacatwithoutagrin,butagrinwithoutacat!It’sthemostcuriousthingIeversawinallmylife! [Shenibblesonsomeoftheleftovermushroomtogrowsomemore.]

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Scene4:TweedledumandTweedledee Aroadleadsthroughthewoods,occasionallylinedwithaconfusingarrayofbewilderingfingerposts,letteredwithperplexingdirectionstovariousplacesinWonderland.

VOICEAlicewentonandon,alongway.Asshewalked,shewonderedifshewouldeverfindherwaytotheMarchHare’shouse.Therewasonlyoneroadthroughthewood,andfingerpostspointedthewayalongit.

ALICEWhichofthesefingerpostsoughtItofollow,Iwonder?I’llsettleit,whentheroaddividesandtheypointdifferentways.

VOICEAsshewalkedalongtheroad,wherevertheroaddividedthereweretwofinger-postspointingthesameway,onemarked“ToTweedledum’shouse”andtheother‘TothehouseofTweedledee.”

ALICE

[Excitedly.]Idobelieve,thattheyliveinthesamehouse!IwonderIneverthoughtofthatbefore—ButIcan’tstaytherelong.I’lljustvisitandsay“Howd’yedo?”andaskthemthewayoutofthesewoods.IjustneedtogettotheMarchHare’shousebeforeitgetsdark. [Alicecontinuestofollowthesignsuntilshestumblesupontwolargemen standingsidebysidewiththeirarmsaroundeachother’sneck.Thelargemen arestandinglikestatuesinthemiddleoftheforest.Almostlifeless,butso lifelike.]Hmm,soyoumustbeDumandyouareDee.Interestingtohavethisembroideredonyourcollar.Isupposethey’veeachgot“Tweedle”roundatthebackofthecollar.[Walksaroundbehindthetwo.]

DUM[StartlingAlice.]Ifyouthinkwe’rewaxworks,yououghttopay,youknow.Waxworksweren’tmadetobelookedatfornothing.Nohow!

DEEContrariwise,ifyouthinkwe’realive,yououghttospeak.

ALICE[Shocked.]I’msureI’mverysorry— [Asifinatrance,Alicebeginstosinganoldsong.]TweedledumandTweedledee Agreedtohaveabattle;

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ForTweedledumsaidTweedledee Hadspoiledhisnicenewrattle.Justthenflewdownamonstrouscrow,

Asblackasatarbarrel;Whichfrightenedboththeheroesso, Theyquiteforgottheirquarrel.

DUMIknowwhatyou’rethinkingabout,butitisn’tso.Nohow.

DEEContrariwise,ifitwasso,itmightbe;andifitwereso,itwouldbe;butasitisn’t,itain’t.That’slogic.

ALICE[Politely.]Iwasthinking,whichisthebestwayoutofthiswood?It’sgettingsodark.Wouldyoutellme,please?[Thetwomengrin.]

ALICE[Pointing.]FirstBoy!

DUM[Briskly.]Nohow!

ALICENextboy!

DEEContrariwise!

DUMYou’vebegunwrong!Thefirstthinginavisitistosay“Howd’yedo?”andshakehands!

[ThetwobrothershugeachotherandthensticktheirtwofreehandsouttoshakehandswithAlice.Alicetoavoidoffendingeither,shakesbothhandsatthesametime,whichthenextmomenttheybegantodanceinacircle.Musicplaysfromthetreethetwobrotherswereunder.Thethreesing“HereWeGoRoundtheMulberryBush”astheydance.]

DEE[Outofbreath.]Fourtimesroundisenoughforonedance.

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[Theyquicklystopdancing,theystopsinging,andthemusicstopsplayingfromthetree.]

ALICEItwouldn’tdomuchtosay“Howd’yedo”now.Weseemtohavegonebeyondthatwiththisdancing,soIhopeyou’renotmuchtired?

DUMNohow.Andthankyouverymuchforasking.

DEESomuchobliged—Youlikepoetry?

ALICEYe-es,prettywell—somepoetry.[Doubtfully.]Wouldyoutellmewhichroadleadsoutofthewood?

DEEWhatshallIrepeattoher?

DUM“TheWalrusandtheCarpenter”isthelongest.[HugsDee.]

DEETheWalrusandtheCarpenter—

ALICEIfit’sverylong,wouldyoupleasetellmefirstwhichroad—

DEE[Smilesgentlyandbeginsagain.]TheWalrusandtheCarpenter Werewalkingonthebeach.“OOysters,comeandwalkwithus!” TheWalrusdidbeseech.Andthiswasodd,because,youknow, Oystersdon’thaveanyfeet.

DUMAndyetfourOystersfollowedthem, Andthenanotherfour;Andthickandfasttheycameatlast, Andmore,andmore,andmore—

21

Allhoppingthroughthefrothywaves, Andscramblingtotheshore.

DEE“Thetimehascome,”theWalrussaid, “Totalkofmanythings:Ofshoes—andships—andsealingwax— Ofcabbages—andkings—Andwhytheseaisboilinghot— Andwhetherpigshavewings.”

DUM“Aloafofbread,”theWalrussaid, “Iswhatwechieflyneed:Pepperandvinegarbesides Areverygoodindeed—Now,ifyou’reready,Oystersdear, Wecanbegintofeed.”

DEE“Butnotonus!”theOysterscried, Turningalittleblue“Aftersuchkindness,thatwouldbe Adismalthingtodo!”“Thenightisfine,”theWalrussaid, “Doyouadmiretheview?”

DUM“Itwassokindofyoutocome! Andyouareverynice!”TheCarpentersaidnothingbut “Cutusanotherslice.”“Iweepforyou,”theWalrussaid: “Ideeplysympathize.”

DEE“Itseemsashame,”theWalrussaid, “Toplaythemsuchatrick.Afterwe’vebroughtthemoutsofar, Andmadethemtrotsoquick!”TheCarpentersaidnothingbut “Thebutter’sspreadtoothick!”

DUM“OOysters,”saidtheCarpenter, “You’vehadapleasantrun!

22

Shallwebetrottinghomeagain?” Butanswercametherenone—Andthiswasscarcelyodd,because They’deateneveryone.

ALICE[Lightlyclapsfortheperformance.]IliketheWalrusthebestbecausehewasalittlesorryforthepooroysters.

DEEHeatemorethantheCarpenter,though.Yousee,heheldhishandkerchiefinfront,sothattheCarpentercouldn’tcounthowmanyhetook:contrariwise.

ALICEThatwasmean!ThenIliketheCarpenterbest—Ifhedidn’teatsomanyastheWalrus.

DUMButheateasmanyashecouldget.

ALICEWell!Theywerebothveryunpleasantcharacters—[Cheerfully.]Atanyrate,I’dbetterbegettingoutofthewood,forreallyit’scomingonverydark.Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain?

DUM[Pullsoutanumbrellaandspreadsitacrosshimandhisbrother.]No,Idon’tthinkitis.Atleast—Notunderhere.Nohow.Butitmayrainoutside?

DEEItmay—Ifitchooses.We’venoobjection.Contrariwise.

ALICESelfishthings!Good—[DumspringsfromundertheumbrellaandgrabsAlice’swrist.]

DUMDoyouseethat?[Pointsatasmallwhiteobject.]

ALICEIt’sonlyarattle.Notarattle-snake,youknow.Onlyanoldrattle—Quiteoldandbroken.

DUM[Stompingtheground.]Iknowitwas!It’sspoilt,ofcourse!

23

[Deehidesbehindtheumbrella.]

ALICEYouneedn’tbesoangryaboutanoldrattle.

DUMButitisn’told!It’snew,Itellyou—Iboughtityesterday—MyniceNEWRATTLE![Deetryingtohidehimselfgotalltangledintheumbrella,whichdistractsAlicefromDum’stantrum.]

ALICE[Laughing.]Youlookmorelikeafishthananythingelsenow.

DUM[Calmer.]Ofcourse,youagreetohaveabattle?

DEE[Crawlingoutfromtheumbrella.]Isupposeso.Onlyshemusthelpustodressup,youknow.

[Thetwobrothersleavefurtherintothewoodstograbtheirthings.Theyreturnwithbolsters,blankets,hearthrugs,tablecloths,dishcovers,andcoalscuttles.]

DUMIhopeyou’reagoodhandatpinningandtyingstrings?Everyoneofthesethingshasgottogoon,somehoworother.

[Aliceaidsthebrothersingettingalltheitemson.Shestruggleswithallthevariousquantitiesofitemsandtheirconstantfussingaroundmakingsureeverythingwastiedperfectly.]

ALICEReallyyoubothbemorelikebundlesofoldclothesthananythingelse,bythetimeyou’reready.

DEEHelpmeputthisaroundmyneck! [HandsAliceabolster.]Itwillkeepmyheadfromgettingcutoff.Youknow,it’soneofthemostseriousthingsthatcanpossiblyhappentooneinabattle—Togetone’sheadcutoff.[Alicelaughsloudlyandthenplaysitoffasacough.]

DUM

24

DoIlookverypale?[HandingasaucepantoAlicetoplaceonhimasahelmet.]

ALICEWell—Yes—Alittle.

DUMI’mverybrave,generally.[Inalowervoice.]OnlytodayIhaveaheadache.

DEEAndI’vegotatoothache!I’mfarworsethanyou!

ALICEThenyou’dbetternotfighttoday.

DUMWemusthaveabitofafight,butIdon’tcareaboutgoingonlong.What’sthetimenow?

DEE[Lookingathiswatch.]Half-pastfour.

DUMLet’sfighttillsix,andthenhavedinner.

DEE[Sadly.]Verywell,andshecanwatchus—Onlyyou’dbetternotcomeveryclose.IgenerallyhiteverythingIcansee—WhenIgetreallyexcited.

DUMAndIhiteverythingwithinreach,whetherIcanseeitornot!

ALICE[Laughing.]Youmusthitthetreesprettyoften,Ishouldthink.

DUM[Smiling.]Idon’tsupposethere’llbeatreeleftstanding,foreversofarround,bythetimewe’vefinished!

ALICEAndallforarattle!

DUMIshouldn’thavemindeditsomuch,ifithadn’tbeenanewone.

ALICE[Underherbreath.]Iwishthemonstrouscrowwouldcome.

25

DUMThere’sonlyonesword,youknow,butyoucanhavetheumbrella—It’squitesharp.Onlywemustbeginquick. [Theskysuddenlybeginstogetdark.]It’sgettingasdarkasitcan.

DEEAnddarker!

ALICEWhatathickblackcloudthatis!Andhowfastitcomes!Why,Idobelieveit’sgotwings!

DUM[Shrilling.]It’sthecrow![Thetwobrotherstaketotheirheelsandwereoutofsightinamomentsflash.DumandDeeexit.AsthecrowgetscloseritswingsbegintocreateastrongwindblowingagainstAlice.]

ALICEIwishitwouldn’tflapitswingsso—Itmakesquiteahurricaneinthewood. [Asshesaysthis,shenoticesoneofthetreeshasadoorleadingrightintoit.]That’sverycurious!Buteverything’scurioustoday.IthinkImayaswellgoinatonce.Itcannevergetmehere.

26

Scene5:AMadTeaParty

Alicefindsherselfinaclearingontheothersideofthedoorinthetree.Thereisatablesetoutunderatreeinfrontofthehouse,whereTheMarchHareandtheMadHatterarehavingtea.Thetableisalargeone,butthethreewereallcrowdedtogetheratonecornerofit.ADormousesitsbetweenthem,fastasleep,andtheothertwouseitasacushion,restingtheirelbowsonit,andtalkingoveritshead.Aliceapproaches.

VOICE

AlicehadnotgonemuchfartherbeforeshecameinsightofthehouseoftheMarchHare.Shethoughtitmustbetherighthouse,becausethechimneyswereshapedlikeearsandtheroofwasthatchedwithfur.Itwassolargeahouse,thatshedidnotliketogonearertillshehadnibbledsomemoreoftheleft-handbitofmushroom,andraisedherselftoabouttwofeethigh:eventhenshewalkeduptowardsitrathertimidly,sayingtoherself—

ALICE[Toaudience.]Isupposeitshouldberavingmadafterall!IalmostwishI’dgonetoseetheHatterinstead!VeryuncomfortablefortheDormouse,only,asit’sasleep,Isupposeitdoesn’tmind.[Alicewalksuptothetable.]

HATTER&HARENoroom!Noroom!

ALICEThere’splentyofroom![Alicesitsattheendofthetable.]

HAREHavesomewine.

ALICEIdon'tseeanywine.

HAREThereisn’tany.

ALICEThenitwasn’tverycivilofyoutoofferit.

HAREItwasn'tverycivilofyoutositdownwithoutbeinginvited.

27

ALICEIdidn’tknowitwasyourtable,it’slaidforagreatmanymorethanthree.

HATTERHaveyouseentheQueen?

ALICEIdon’tknowtheQueen.

HATTERYoushouldletherknowifyouseehertarts.

HARESomeonestolethem.

HATTER[Thoughtfully.]Whyisaravenlikeawritingdesk?

ALICE[Toaudience.]Come,weshallhavesomefunnow!I’mgladthey’vebegunaskingriddles.[Tothem.]IbelieveIcanguessthat.

HAREDoyoumeanthatyouthinkyoucanfindouttheanswertoit?

ALICEExactlyso.

HAREThenyoushouldsaywhatyoumean.

ALICEIdo,atleast—atleastImeanwhatIsay—that’sthesamething,youknow.

HATTERNotthesamethingabit!Youmightjustaswellsaythat“IseewhatIeat”isthesamethingas“IeatwhatIsee”!

HAREYoumightjustaswellsaythat“IlikewhatIget”isthesamethingas“IgetwhatIlike”!

DORMOUSE[Asiftalkinginitssleep.]Youmightjustaswellsaythat“IbreathewhenIsleep”isthesamethingas“IsleepwhenIbreathe!”

28

HATTERItisthesamethingwithyou [Longsilence.][Examinespocketwatch.]Whatdayofthemonthisit?

ALICEThefourth.

HATTERTwodayswrong!Itoldyoubutterwouldn'tsuittheworks!

HAREItwasthebestbutter.

HATTERYes,butsomecrumbsmusthavegotinaswell.Youshouldn'thaveputitinwiththebreadknife.

HARE[Takesthewatchandlooksatitgloomily,thendipsitintohiscupoftea,andlooksatitagain.]Itwasthebestbutter,youknow.

ALICE[LookingoverHatter’sshoulder.]Whatafunnywatch!Ittellsthedayofthemonth,anddoesn’ttellwhato’clockitis!

HATTERWhyshouldit?Doesyourwatchtellyouwhatyearitis?

ALICEOfcoursenot,butthat'sbecauseitstaysthesameyearforsuchalongtimetogether.

HATTERWhichisjustthecasewithmine.

ALICEIdon'tquiteunderstandyou.

HATTERTheDormouseisasleepagain.[TheHatterpoursteaontheDormouse’snose.]

DORMOUSE[Doesn’tevenopenitseyes.]Ofcourse,ofcourse,justwhatIwasgoingtoremarkmyself.

29

HATTER

Haveyouguessedtheriddleyet?

ALICENo,Igiveitup,what’stheanswer?

HATTERIhaven’ttheslightestidea.

HARENorI.

ALICEIthinkyoumightdosomethingbetterwiththetimethanwasteitinaskingriddlesthathavenoanswers.

HATTERIfyouknewTimeaswellasIdo,youwouldn’ttalkaboutwastingit.It’shim.

ALICEIdon'tknowwhatyoumean.

HATTEROfcourseyoudon’t!IdaresayyouneverevenspoketoTime!

ALICEPerhapsnot,butIknowIhavetobeattimewhenIlearnmusic.

HATTERAh!thataccountsforit.Hewon’tstandbeating.Now,ifyouonlykeptongoodtermswithhim,he’ddoalmostanythingyoulikedwiththeclock.Forinstance,supposeitwerenineo’clockinthemorning,justtimetobeginlessons.You’donlyhavetowhisperahinttoTime,androundgoestheclockinatwinkling!Half-pastone,timefordinner!

HARE[Whispers.]Ionlywishitwas.

ALICEThatwouldbegrand,certainly,butthen—Ishouldn’tbehungryforit,youknow.

HATTERNotatfirst,perhaps,butyoucouldkeepittohalf-pastoneaslongasyouliked.

ALICE

30

Isthatthewayyoumanage?

HATTERNotI!WequarreledlastMarch—justbeforehewentmad,youknow— [PointsatHarewithspoon.]—itwasatthegreatconcertgivenbytheQueenofHearts,andIhadtosing—Twinkle,twinkle,littlebat!HowIwonderwhatyou’reat!Youknowthesong,perhaps?

ALICEI’veheardsomethinglikeit.

HATTERItgoeson,youknow,inthisway—Upabovetheworldyoufly,Likeateatrayinthesky.Twinkle,twinkle—

DORMOUSE[Singsinsleep.]Twinkle,twinkle,twinkle,twinkle—[HatterandHarepinchDormouse,anditstops.]

HATTERWell,I’dhardlyfinishedthefirstverse,whentheQueenjumpedupandbawledout,“He’smurderingthetime!Offwithhishead!”

ALICEHowdreadfullysavage!

HATTERAndeversincethat,hewon’tdoathingIask!It’salwayssixo’clocknow.

ALICEIsthatthereasonsomanyteathingsareputouthere?

HATTERYes,that’sit,it’salwaysteatime,andwe’venotimetowashthethingsbetweenwhiles.

ALICEThenyoukeepmovinground,Isuppose?

HATTERExactlyso,asthethingsgetusedup.

31

ALICE

Butwhathappenswhenyoucometothebeginningagain?

HARESupposewechangethesubject.I’mgettingtiredofthis.Ivotetheyoungladytellsusastory.

ALICEI’mafraidIdon’tknowone.

HATTER&HAREThentheDormouseshall!Wakeup,Dormouse![HatterandHarepinchtheDormouse.]

DORMOUSEIwasn’tasleep.Iheardeverywordyoufellowsweresaying.

HARETellusastory!

ALICEYes,pleasedo!

HATTERAndbequickaboutit,oryou'llbeasleepagainbeforeit’sdone.

DORMOUSEOnceuponatimetherewerethreelittlesisters,andtheirnameswereElsie,Lacie,andTillie;andtheylivedatthebottomofawell—

ALICEWhatdidtheyliveon?

DORMOUSETheylivedontreacle.

ALICETheycouldn’thavedonethat,youknow.They’dhavebeenill.

DORMOUSESotheywere.Veryill.

ALICEButwhydidtheyliveatthebottomofawell?

32

HARE

Takesomemoretea.

ALICEI’vehadnothingyet,soIcan’ttakemore.

HATTERYoumeanyoucan'ttakeless.It’sveryeasytotakemorethannothing.

ALICE[Defeated,shehelpsherselftosometeaandbread-and-butter.]Whydidtheyliveatthebottomofawell?

DORMOUSEItwasatreacle-well.

ALICEThere’snosuchthing!

HATTER&HARESh!Sh!

DORMOUSEIfyoucan’tbecivil,you’dbetterfinishthestoryforyourself.

ALICENo,pleasegoon!Iwon’tinterruptagain.Idaresaytheremaybeone.

DORMOUSEOne,indeed!Andsothesethreelittlesisters—theywerelearningtodraw,youknow—

ALICEWhatdidtheydraw?

DORMOUSETreacle.

HATTERIwantacleancup.Let’sallmoveoneplaceon.[Theyallmovedownoneplace.]

ALICEButIdon’tunderstand.Wheredidtheydrawthetreaclefrom?

33

HATTER

Youcandrawwateroutofawater-well,soIshouldthinkyoucoulddrawtreacleoutofatreacle-well—eh,stupid?

ALICEButtheywereinthewell.

DORMOUSEOfcoursetheywere—wellin.Theywerelearningtodraw—[Yawn.]—andtheydrewallmannerofthings—everythingthatbeginswithanM—

ALICEWhywithanM?

HAREWhynot?[TheDormouseisasleep.Hatterpinchesitawake.]

DORMOUSE—thatbeginswithanM,suchasmousetraps,andthemoon,andmemory,andmuchness—youknowyousaythingsare“muchofamuchness”—didyoueverseesuchathingasadrawingofamuchness?

ALICEReally,nowyouaskme,Idon'tthink—

HATTERThenyoushouldn’ttalk.[ThisismorethanAlicecanbear.Shegetsupandwalksoff.Theotherstakenonotice.Shelooksbackonceortwice,hopingtheywouldcallherback,butinsteadHatterandHarearetryingtoputDormouseinateapot.]

ALICEAtanyrateI'llnevergothereagain!It’sthestupidestteapartyIeverwasatinallmylife![Exits.]

34

ACTII

Scene6:HumptyDumpty

Aliceexitsthewoodsandfindsherselfontopofahilloverlookingameadowlinedwithbrooksandhedgesthatlookvaguelylikethesquaresonachessboard.Alongthesideoftheroadisahighwall.HumptyDumptyissittingwithhislegscrossed,precariouslybalancedontopofthewall.

VOICEAlicefoundherselfontheothersideofthewoods,uponacountryroadwindingthroughlovelymeadow.ForsomeminutesAlicestooduponahillwithoutspeaking,lookingoutinalldirectionsoverthecountry—andamostcuriouscountryitwas.Therewereanumberoftinylittlebrooksrunningstraightacrossitfromsidetoside,andthegroundbetweenwasdividedupintosquaresbyanumberoflittlegreenhedges,thatreachedfrombrooktobrook.Ontheedgeofthebrookwasawall,andbalancedcuriouslyontopofthewall,anegg.Whenshecamewithinafewyardsofit,shesawthatithadeyesandanoseandmouth.ThehighwallwassonarrowthatAlicequitewonderedhowhecouldkeephisbalance—and,ashiseyesweresteadilyfixedintheoppositedirection,andhedidn’ttaketheleastnoticeofher,shethoughthemustbeastuffedfigureafterall.

ALICE

[Toaudience.]Howexactlylikeaneggheis.

HUMPTY[Toanearbytree.]It’sveryprovokingtobecalledanegg—very!

ALICEIsaidyoulookedlikeanegg,Sir.Andsomeeggsareverypretty,youknow.

HUMPTY[Stilltalkingtothetree.]Somepeoplehavenomoresensethanababy!

ALICE[Afterapause.]HumptyDumptysatonawall:HumptyDumptyhadagreatfall.AlltheKing’shorsesandalltheKing’smenCouldn’tputHumptyDumptyinhisplaceagain. [Toaudience.]Thatlastlineismuchtoolongforthepoetry.

HUMPTY[ToAlice.]Don’tstandtherechatteringtoyourselflikethat,buttellmeyournameandyourbusiness.

35

ALICE

MynameisAlice,but—

HUMPTYIt’sastupidnameenough!Whatdoesitmean?

ALICEMustanamemeansomething?

HUMPTY[Laughing.]Ofcourseitmust.MynamemeanstheshapeIam—andagoodhandsomeshapeitis,too.Withanamelikeyours,youmightbeanyshape,almost.

ALICEDon’tyouthinkyou’dbesaferdownontheground?Thatwallissoverynarrow!

HUMPTY

Whattremendouslyeasyriddlesyouask!OfcourseIdon’tthinkso!Why,ifeverIdidfalloff—whichthere’snochanceof—butifIdid— [Hepurseshislipsandlookssolemn.]IfIdidfall,theKinghaspromisedme—withhisveryownmouth—to—to—

ALICETosendallhishorsesandallhismen.

HUMPTYNowIdeclarethat’stoobad!You’vebeenlisteningatdoors—andbehindtrees—anddownchimneys—oryoucouldn’thaveknownit!

ALICEIhaven’t,indeed!It’sinabook.

HUMPTYAh,well!Theymaywritesuchthingsinabook.That’swhatyoucallaHistoryofEngland,thatis.Now,takeagoodlookatme!I’monethathasspokentoaKing,Iam:mayhapyou’llneverseesuchanother:andtoshowyouI’mnotproud,youmayshakehandswithme![Hegrins,leansforward,andoffersAlicehishand.Alicelooksathimthentakesit.]

ALICE[Changingthesubject.]Whatabeautifulbeltyou’vegoton!—Atleast,abeautifulcravat,Ishouldhavesaid—no,abelt,Imean—Ibegyourpardon! [Humptylooksthoroughlyoffended.][Toaudience.]IfIonlyknewwhichwasneckandwhichwaswaist!

36

HUMPTY

It’sacravat,child,andabeautifulone,asyousay.It’sapresentfromtheKingandQueen.Theygaveitme—foranun-birthdaypresent.

ALICEWhatisanun-birthdaypresent?

HUMPTYApresentgivenwhenitisn’tyourbirthday,ofcourse.

ALICE[Considersitalittle.]Ilikebirthdaypresentsbest.

HUMPTYYoudon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout!Howmanydaysarethereinayear?

ALICEThreehundredandsixty-five.

HUMPTYAndhowmanybirthdayshaveyou?

ALICEOne.

HUMPTYAndifyoutakeonefromthreehundredandsixty-five,whatremains?

ALICEThreehundredandsixty-four,ofcourse.

HUMPTYThatmeanstherearethreehundredandsixty-fourdayswhenyoumightgetun-birthdaypresents—

ALICECertainly.

HUMPTYAndonlyoneforbirthdaypresents,youknow.There’sgloryforyou!

ALICEIdon’tknowwhatyoumeanby“glory.”

HUMPTY

37

Ofcourseyoudon’t—tillItellyou.Imeant“there’saniceknockdownargumentforyou!”

ALICEBut“glory”doesn’tmean“aniceknockdownargument.”

HUMPTYWhenIuseaword,itmeansjustwhatIchooseittomean—neithermorenorless.

ALICEThequestionis,whetheryoucanmakewordsmeansomanydifferentthings.

HUMPTYThey’veatemper,someofthem—particularlyverbs,they’retheproudest—adjectivesyoucandoanythingwith,butnotverbs—however,Icanmanagethewholeofthem!Impenetrability!That’swhatIsay!

ALICEWouldyoutellme,please,whatthatmeans?

HUMPTY[Lookingpleased.]Nowyoutalklikeareasonablechild,Imeantby“impenetrability”thatwe’vehadenoughofthatsubject,anditwouldbejustaswellifyou’dmentionwhatyoumeantodonext,asIsupposeyoudon’tmeantostopherealltherestofyourlife.

ALICE[Thoughtfully.]That’sagreatdealtomakeonewordmean.Youseemverycleveratexplainingwords,Sir.Wouldyoukindlytellmethemeaningofthepoemcalled“Jabberwocky”?

HUMPTYLet’shearit.Icanexplainallthepoemsthatwereeverinvented—andagoodmanythathaven’tbeeninventedjustyet.

ALICE‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytovesDidgyreandgimbleinthewabe;Allmimsyweretheborogoves,Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.

HUMPTYThat’senoughtobeginwith.Thereareplentyofhardwordsthere.“Brillig”meansfouro’clockintheafternoon—thetimewhenyoubegin“broiling”thingsfordinner.

ALICE

38

That’lldoverywell.And“slithy?”

HUMPTYWell,“slithy”means“litheandslimy.”“Lithe”isthesameas“active.”Youseeit’slikeaportmanteau—therearetwomeaningspackedupintooneword.

ALICEIseeitnow.Andwhatare“toves?”

HUMPTYWell,“toves”aresomethinglikebadgers—they’resomethinglikelizards—andthey’resomethinglikecorkscrews.

ALICETheymustbeverycuriouslookingcreatures.

HUMPTYTheyarethat.Alsotheymaketheirnestsundersundials—alsotheyliveoncheese.

ALICEAnd“thewabe”isthegrassplotroundasundial,Isuppose?

HUMPTYOfcourseitis.It’scalled“wabe,”youknow,becauseitgoesalongwaybeforeit,andalongwaybehindit—

ALICEAndalongwaybeyonditoneachside.

HUMPTYExactlyso.Well,then,“mimsy”is“flimsyandmiserable.”There’sanotherportmanteauforyou.

ALICEAndwhatdoes“outgrabe”mean?

HUMPTYWell,“outgribing”issomethingbetweenbellowingandwhistling,withakindofsneezeinthemiddle:however,you’llhearitdone,maybe—downinthewoodyonder—andwhenyou’veonceheardityou’llbequitecontent.Who’sbeenrepeatingallthathardstufftoyou?

ALICEIhadsomepoetryrepeatedtome.

HUMPTY

39

Astopoetry,youknow,Icanrepeatpoetryaswellasotherfolk,ifitcomestothat—

ALICE[Hastily.]Oh,itneedn’tcometothat!

HUMPTYThepieceI’mgoingtorepeatwaswrittenentirelyforyouramusement.

ALICE[Sitsdown.Sadly.]Thankyou.

HUMPTYIsentamessagetothefish:Itoldthem“ThisiswhatIwish.”Thelittlefishesofthesea,Theysentananswerbacktome.Thelittlefishes’answerwas“Wecannotdoit,Sir,because—”

ALICEI’mafraidIdon’tquiteunderstand.

HUMPTYItgetseasierfurtheron.Someonecametomeandsaid,“Thelittlefishesareinbed.”Isaidtohim,Isaiditplain,“Thenyoumustwakethemupagain.”Isaiditveryloudandclear;Iwentandshoutedinhisear.[Raisinghisvoice.]Isaiditveryloudandclear!Iwentandshoutedinhisear!

ALICE[Toaudience,withashudder.]Iwouldn’thavebeenthemessengerforanything!

HUMPTYItookacorkscrewfromtheshelf:Iwenttowakethemupmyself.AndwhenIfoundthedoorwaslocked,Ipulledandpushedandknocked.AndwhenIfoundthedoorwasshut,Itriedtoturnthehandle,but—[Longpause.]

40

ALICE

[Timidly.]Isthatall?

HUMPTYThat’sall.[Suddenly.]Goodbye.[Alice,stunned,slowlygetsupandholdsoutherhand.]

ALICE[Ascheerfullyasshecanmanage.]Goodbye,tillwemeetagain!

HUMPTY[Inadiscontentedtone.]Ishouldn’tknowyouagainifwedidmeet. [Givesheroneofhisfingerstoshake.]You’resoexactlylikeotherpeople.

ALICE[Thoughtfully.]Thefaceiswhatonegoesby,generally.

HUMPTYThat‘sjustwhatIcomplainof.Yourfaceisthatsameaseverybodyhas—thetwoeyes,so— [Markingtheirplacesintheairwiththisthumb.]Noseinthemiddle,mouthunder.It’salwaysthesame.Nowifyouhadthetwoeyesonthesamesideofthenose,forinstance—orthemouthatthetop—thatwouldbesomehelp.

ALICEItwouldn’tlooknice.

HUMPTY[Shutshiseyes.]Waittillyou’vetried.[Alicewaitsaminutetoseeifhewillspeakagain,buthiseyesstayclosed.]

ALICEGoodbye![Toaudienceassheleaves.]Ofalltheunsatisfactory—OfalltheunsatisfactorypeopleIevermet—[Aheavycrashshakestheforestfromendtoend.Alicelooksback,wonderingifHumptyhasfallenoffthewall.]

41

Scene7:TheQueen’sCroquetGround

AgreenneartheentrancetotheRoyalPalace.Thereisalargerosetree.Therosesarewhite,butThreeCardGardenersarepaintingthemred.

VOICEAlicewalkedwearilyalongtheroad,wonderingifshewouldeverfindherwayhome.SoonshefoundherselfatthegatetotheQueen’spalace.Alargerose-treestoodneartheentranceofthecourtyarduponanexpansivegreen.Therosesgrowingonitwerewhite,buttherewerethreegardenersatit,busilypaintingthemred.Alicethoughtthisaverycuriousthing,andshewentnearertowatchthem,andjustasshecameuptothemsheheardoneofthemsay—

TWOLookoutnow,Five!Don'tgosplashingpaintovermelikethat!

FIVEIcouldn'thelpit.Sevenjoggedmyelbow.

SEVENThat'sright,Five!Alwayslaytheblameonothers!

FIVEYou’dbetternottalk!IheardtheQueensayonlyyesterdayyoudeservedtobebeheaded!

TWOWhatfor?

SEVENThat'snoneofyourbusiness,Two!

FIVEYes,itishisbusiness!AndI'lltellhim—itwasforbringingthecooktuliprootsinsteadofonions.

SEVEN[Flingingdownhisbrush.]Well,ofalltheunjustthings— [SevennoticesAlice,checkshimself,andbowslow;theothersalsobow.]

42

ALICE

Wouldyoutellme,whyyouarepaintingthoseroses?[FiveandSevenlookatTwo.]

TWOWhythefactis,yousee,Miss,thishereoughttohavebeenaredrosetree,andweputawhiteoneinbymistake;andiftheQueenwastofinditout,weshouldallhaveourheadscutoff,youknow.Soyousee,Miss,we'redoingourbest,aforeshecomes,to— [Noticessomethingoffstage.]TheQueen!TheQueen![Allthreecardsflingthemselvestothegroundprostrate.Incomestheroyalprocession:soldiers,courtiers,theroyalchildren,theKingsandQueensofothersuits,theWhiteRabbit,theKnaveofHearts,andtheKingandQueenofHearts.]

ALICE[Toaudience.]ShouldIbowtoo?No,I’veneverheardthatrule.Andbesides,whatwouldbetheuseofaprocessionifpeoplehadalltoliedownupontheirfaces,sothattheycouldn'tseeit?[AstheprocessionreachesAlice,allstopandlookather.]

QUEEN[TotheKnave.]Whoisthis? [TheKnavesmilesandbowsbutsaysnothing.]Idiot! [TurnstoAlice.]What'syourname,child?

ALICEMynameisAlice,sopleaseyourMajesty.[Toaudience.]Why,they'reonlyapackofcards,afterall.Ineedn'tbeafraidofthem!

QUEEN[TuriningtotheGardeners.]Andwhoarethese?

ALICE

43

HowshouldIknow?It'snobusinessofmine.

QUEENOffwithherhead!Off—

ALICENonsense!

KINGConsider,mydear:sheisonlyachild!

QUEEN[TotheKnave.]Turnthemover! [TheKnaveturnsovertheGardenerswithhisfoot.]Getup! [TheGardenersjumptotheirfeetandstartbowingtoeveryone.]Leaveoffthat!Youmakemegiddy. [Turnstotherosetree.]Whathaveyoubeendoinghere?

TWOMayitpleaseyourMajesty,weweretrying—

QUEEN

[Examiningtheroses.]Isee!Offwiththeirheads![Theprocessionmoveson.TheExecutionerremainsbehindtodothebeheadings.TheGardenersruntoAliceforprotection.]

ALICEYoushan'tbebeheaded![Aliceguidesthemintohidinginagiantflowerpot.TheExecutionerwandersaround,lookingforthem,thenshrugsandmarchesback.]

QUEENAretheirheadsoff?

EXECUTIONERTheirheadsaregone,ifitpleaseyourMajesty!

44

QUEEN

That'sright![ToAlice.]Canyouplaycroquet?

ALICEYes!

QUEENComeon,then![AlicejoinstheprocessionandendsupnexttotheWhiteRabbit,whoislookingatheranxiously.]

RABBITIt’s—it’saveryfineday!

ALICEVery.Where’stheDuchess?

RABBITHush!Hush! [Looksaround,thenwhispersinAlice’sear.]She’sundersentenceofexecution.

ALICEWhatfor?

RABBITDidyousay“Whatapity!”?

ALICENo,Ididn’t.Idon’tthinkit’satallapity.Isaid“Whatfor?”

RABBITSheboxedtheQueen’sears—[Alicegivesascreamoflaughter.]Oh,hush!TheQueenwillhearyou!Yousee,shecameratherlate,andtheQueensaid—

QUEENGettoyourplaces!

45

[Everyonerunstogetintotheirplaces,andthegamebegins.Itischaos.Theballsarelivehedgehogs,themalletsareliveflamingoes,andtheExecutionerisdoubledovertoformanarch.Alicestruggleswithherflamingo,occasionallylaughing.Theplayersallplayatoncewithoutwaitingforturns,quarrellingwitheachother,andafterawhiletheQueenstartscallingforbeheadings.]

ALICEThey’redreadfullyfondofbeheadingpeoplehere;thegreatwonderis,thatthere’sanyoneleftalive! [TheCheshireCatappearsintheair,beginningwithitsgrin,thenitsfullhead, butwithoutabody.]It’stheCheshireCat:nowIshallhavesomebodytotalkto.

CATHowareyougettingon?

ALICEIdon'tthinktheyplayatallfairly,andtheyallquarrelsodreadfullyonecan’thearoneselfspeak—andtheydon’tseemtohaveanyrulesinparticular;atleast,ifthereare,nobodyattendstothem—andyou’venoideahowconfusingitisallthethingsbeingalive;forinstance,there’sthearchI’vegottogothroughnextwalkingaboutattheotherendoftheground—andIshouldhavecroquetedtheQueen’shedgehogjustnow,onlyitranawaywhenitsawminecoming!

CATHowdoyouliketheQueen?

ALICENotatall,she’ssoextremely— [NoticestheQueenlistening.]—likelytowin,thatit’shardlyworthwhilefinishingthegame.[TheQueensmilesandpasseson.TheKingapproachesAlice,lookingcuriouslyattheCat.]

KINGWhoareyoutalkingto?

ALICEIt’safriendofmine—aCheshireCat,allowmetointroduceit.

46

KING

Idon'tlikethelookofitatall,however,itmaykissmyhandifitlikes.

CATI’drathernot.

KINGDon’tbeimpertinent,anddon’tlookatmelikethat![TheKinggetsbehindAlice.]

ALICEAcatmaylookataking.I’vereadthatinsomebook,butIdon’trememberwhere.

KINGWell,itmustberemoved.[TotheQueen.]Mydear!Iwishyouwouldhavethiscatremoved!

QUEEN[Comingover.]Offwithhishead!

KINGFetchtheexecutioner![TheExecutionerarrives,andconferswiththeKingandQueen,whobegintoargue.]

EXECUTIONERYoucan’tcutoffaheadunlessthere’sabodytocutitofffrom.I’veneverhadtodosuchathingbefore,andI’mnotgoingtobeginatmytimeoflife.

KINGDon’ttalknonsense.Anythingthathasaheadcanbebeheaded.

QUEENIfsomething’snotdoneaboutthisinlessthannotimeI’llhaveeverybodyexecutedallround!

ALICEItbelongstotheDuchess:you'dbetteraskheraboutit.

47

QUEEN

She’sinprison.[TotheExecutioner.]Fetchherhere.[TheExecutionerexits,butthentheCatslowlydisappears.]

KINGWhere’sitgone?[TheKinglooksaroundforitwhiletheQueenreturnstothegame.TheDuchessentersandgoesstraighttoAlice.]

DUCHESSYoucan'tthinkhowgladIamtoseeyouagain,youdearoldthing![TheDuchesstucksherarmaffectionatelyintoAlice’s.]

ALICEYou’reinsuchapleasanttemper!Wasitallthepepperinthekitchenthatmadeyousosavagebefore?WhenI'maDuchess,Iwon'thaveanypepperinmykitchenatall.Soupdoesverywellwithout—Maybeit’salwayspepperthatmakespeoplehot-tempered,andvinegarthatmakesthemsour—andcamomilethatmakesthembitter—and—andbarley-sugarandsuchthingsthatmakechildrensweet-tempered.Ionlywishpeopleknewthat:thentheywouldn’tbesostingyaboutit,youknow—

DUCHESSIcan’ttellyoujustnowwhatthemoralofthatis,butIshallrememberitinabit.

ALICEPerhapsithasn’tone.

DUCHESSTut,tut,child!Everything’sgotamoral,ifonlyyoucanfindit.

ALICEThegame’sgoingonratherbetternow.

DUCHESS’Tisso,andthemoralofthatis—“Oh,’tislove,’tislove,thatmakestheworldgoround!”

48

ALICE

Howfondyouareoffindingmoralsinthings!

DUCHESSIdaresayyou'rewonderingwhyIdon’tputmyarm’roundyourwaist.Thereasonis,thatI'mdoubtfulaboutthetemperofyourflamingo.ShallItrytheexperiment?

ALICEHemightbite.

DUCHESSVerytrue,flamingoesandmustardbothbite.Andthemoralofthatis—“Birdsofafeatherflocktogether.”

ALICEOnlymustardisn'tabird.

DUCHESSRight,asusual,whataclearwayyouhaveofputtingthings!

ALICEIt’samineral,Ithink.

DUCHESSOfcourseitis,there'salargemustard-minenearhere.Andthemoralofthatis—“Themorethereisofmine,thelessthereisofyours.”

ALICEOh,Iknow!It’savegetable.Itdoesn’tlooklikeone,butitis.

DUCHESSIquiteagreewithyou,andthemoralofthatis—“Bewhatyouwouldseemtobe”—orifyou’dlikeitputmoresimply—“Neverimagineyourselfnottobeotherwisethanwhatitmightappeartoothersthatwhatyouwereormighthavebeenwasnototherwisethanwhatyouhadbeenwouldhaveappearedtothemtobeotherwise.”

ALICEIthinkIshouldunderstandthatbetter,ifIhaditwrittendown,butIcan'tquitefollowitasyousayit.

49

DUCHESS

ImakeyouapresentofeverythingI'vesaidasyet. [Alicesaysnothing.]Thinking?

ALICEI’vearighttothink.

DUCHESSJustaboutasmuchright,aspigshavetofly;andthemor— [NoticestheQueenwatching;inalow,weakvoice.]Afineday,yourMajesty!

QUEENNow,Igiveyoufairwarning,eitheryouoryourheadmustbeoff,andthatinabouthalfnotime!Takeyourchoice![TheDuchesstakesherchoice,andexits.]

QUEENHaveyouseentheMockTurtleyet?

ALICENo.Idon’tevenknowwhataMockTurtleis.

QUEENIt’sthethingMockTurtleSoupismadefrom.

ALICEIneversawone,orheardofone.

QUEENComeon,then,andheshalltellyouhishistory,[TheQueenandAliceleavethecroquetgroundtogether.OncetheKingseesthatthey’regone,hegoesuptothecompanygatheredforexecution,whichmayjustbetheaudience.]

KING

50

Youareallpardoned.[Theyexit.]

51

Scene8:TheMockTurtle’sStoryandLobsterQuadrille

AliceandtheQueenwalkalongthecastlewall,overlookingtheocean.

VOICEAliceandtheQueenwalkedalongtheedgeofthecastlegrounds,tracingtheoutlineofawalkwayuponanenormouscliffoverlookingthesea.TheyverysooncameuponaGryphon,lyingfastasleepinthesun.

QUEEN

Up,lazything!AndtakethisyoungladytoseetheMockTurtle,andtohearhishistory.ImustgobackandseeaftersomeexecutionsIhaveordered.[QueenExits.]

GRYPHONWhatfun!

ALICEWhatisthefun?

GRYPHONWhy,she—It’sallherfancy,that:theyneverexecutesnobody,youknow.Comeon!

ALICEEverybodysays“comeon!”here.Ineverwassoorderedaboutbeforeinallmylife,never!

VOICETheyhadnotgonefarbeforetheysawtheMockTurtleinthedistance,sittingsadandlonelyonalittleledgeofrock,and,astheycamenearer,Alicecouldhearhimsighingasifhisheartwouldbreak.Shepitiedhimdeeply.

ALICEWhatishissorrow?

GRYPHONIt’sallhisfancy,that:hehasn’tgotnosorrow,youknow.Comeon![ToTurtle.]Thishereyounglady,shewantsfortoknowyourhistory,shedo.

TURTLEI’lltellither,sitdown,bothofyou,anddon’tspeakawordtillI’vefinished.

ALICEIdon’tseehowhecaneverfinish,ifhedoesn’tbegin.

52

TURTLE[Sobbinguncontrollably.]Once,IwasarealTurtle.

GRYPHON[Clearinghisthroat.]Hjckrrh!

TURTLE[Stopstocry.Afterabit,slowly.]Whenwewerelittle,wewenttoschoolinthesea.ThemasterwasanoldTurtle—weusedtocallhimTortoise—

ALICEWhydidyoucallhimTortoise,ifhewasn’tone?

TURTLE[Angrily.]WecalledhimTortoisebecausehetaughtus,reallyyouareverydull!

GRYPHONYououghttobeashamedofyourselfforaskingsuchasimplequestion.[ToTurtle.]Driveon,oldfellow!Don’tbealldayaboutit!

TURTLEYes,wewenttoschoolinthesea,thoughyoumayn’tbelieveit—

ALICEIneversaidIdidn’t!

TURTLEYoudid!

GRYPHONHoldyourtongue!

TURTLEWehadthebestofeducations—infact,wewenttoschooleveryday—

ALICEI’vebeentoaday-schooltoo,youneedn’tbesoproudasallthat.

TURTLEWithextras?

ALICEYes,welearnedFrenchandmusic.

TURTLEAndwashing?

53

ALICE

Certainlynot!

TURTLEAh!Thenyourswasn’tareallygoodschool,nowatourstheyhadattheendofthebill,“French,music,andwashing—extra.”

ALICEYoucouldn’thavewanteditmuch,livingatthebottomofthesea.

TURTLEIcouldn’taffordtolearnit.Ionlytooktheregularcourse.

ALICEWhatwasthat?

TURTLEReelingandWrithing,ofcourse,tobeginwith,andthenthedifferentbranchesofArithmetic—Ambition,Distraction,Uglification,andDerision.

ALICEWhatelsehadyoutolearn?

TURTLEWell,therewasMystery.Mystery,ancientandmodern,withSeaography:thenDrawling—theDrawling-masterwasanoldconger-eelthatusedtocomeonceaweek:hetaughtusDrawling,Stretching,andFaintinginCoils.

ALICEWhatwasthatlike?

TURTLEWell,Ican’tshowityoumyself.I’mtoostiff.AndtheGryphonneverlearntit.

GRYPHONHadn’ttime.IwenttotheClassicalmaster,though.Hewasanoldcrab,hewas.

TURTLEIneverwenttohim,hetaughtLaughingand—[Sadly.]—Grief,theyusedtosay.

GRYPHON[Hidinghisfaceinhishands.]Sohedid,sohedid.[Changingthesubject.]That’senoughaboutlessons.Tellhersomethingaboutthegamesnow.[Turtlesighsdeeply,triestospeak,butsobschokehisvoice.]

54

GRYPHON

Sameasifhehadaboneinhisthroat.

TURTLE[Finally.]Youmaynothavelivedmuchunderthesea—

ALICEIhaven’t.

TURTLEAndperhapsyouwereneverevenintroducedtoalobster—

ALICEIoncetaste—[Stopsherself.]No,never.

TURTLESoyoucanhavenoideawhatadelightfulthingaLobsterQuadrilleis!

ALICENo,indeed,whatsortofdanceisit?

GRYPHONWhy,youfirstformintoalinealongtheseashore—

TURTLETwolines!Seals,turtles,salmon,andsoon:then,whenyou’veclearedallthejellyfishoutoftheway—

GRYPHONThatgenerallytakessometime.

TURTLE—youadvancetwice—

GRYPHONEachwithalobsterasapartner!

TURTLEOfcourse,advancetwice,settopartners—

GRYPHON—changelobsters,andretireinsameorder.

TURTLEThen,youknow,youthrowthe—

55

GRYPHON

Thelobsters!

TURTLE—asfarouttoseaasyoucan—

GRYPHONSwimafterthem!

TURTLETurnasomersaultinthesea!

GRYPHONChangelobstersagain!

TURTLEBacktolandagain,and—that’sallthefirstfigure,[ThetwocreaturessitagainandlookatAlice.]

ALICEItmustbeaveryprettydance.

TURTLEWouldyouliketoseealittleofit?

ALICEVerymuchindeed.

TURTLECome,let’strythefirstfigure!Wecandoitwithoutlobsters,youknow.Whichshallsing?

GRYPHONOh,yousing.I'veforgottenthewords.[TurtleandGryphondancearoundAlice,asTurtlesings.]

TURTLE“Willyouwalkalittlefaster?”saidawhitingtoasnail,“There’saporpoiseclosebehindus,andhe’streadingonmytail.”Seehoweagerlythelobstersandtheturtlesalladvance!Theyarewaitingontheshingle—willyoucomeandjointhedance?Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,willyoujointhedance?

56

Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,won’tyoujointhedance?YoucanreallyhavenonotionhowdelightfulitwillbeWhentheytakeusupandthrowus,withthelobsters,outtosea!Butthesnailreplied“Toofar,toofar!”andgavealookaskance—Saidhethankedthewhitingkindly,buthewouldnotjointhedance.Wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnotjointhedance.Wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnot,couldnot,couldnotjointhedance.“Whatmattersithowfarwego?”hisscalyfriendreplied,Thereisanothershore,youknow,upontheotherside.ThefurtherofffromEnglandtheneareristoFrance—Thenturnnotpale,belovedsnail,butcomeandjointhedance.Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,willyoujointhedance?Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,won’tyoujointhedance?

[Thedanceends,andtheyfalllaughingtothefloor.]

ALICEIfI’dbeenthewhiting,I’dhavesaidtotheporpoise,“Keepback,please:wedon’twantyouwithus!”

TURTLETheywereobligedtohavehimwiththem.Nowisefishwouldgoanywherewithoutaporpoise.

ALICE[Withsurprise.]Wouldn’titreally?

TURTLEOfcoursenot.Why,ifafishcametome,andtoldmehewasgoingajourney,Ishouldsay“Withwhatporpoise?”

ALICEDon’tyoumean“purpose?“

TURTLE[Offended.]ImeanwhatIsay.

GRYPHONCome,let’shearsomeofyouradventures.

ALICE[Timidly.]Icouldtellyoumyadventures—beginningfromthismorning.[Rememberingherpredicament.]Butit’snousegoingbacktoyesterday,becauseIwasadifferentpersonthen.

57

TURTLE

That’sverycurious.

GRYPHONIt’sallaboutascuriousasitcanbe.

ALICE[Alicesaysnothing,andsitsdownagainwithherfaceinherhands.]Iwonderifanythingwilleverhappeninanaturalwayagain.

TURTLEIshouldliketohaveitexplained.

GRYPHONYes,Ithinkyou’dbetterleaveoff.ShallwetryanotherfigureoftheLobster-Quadrille?OrwouldyouliketheMockTurtletosingyouasong?

ALICE[Eagerly.]Oh,asong,please,iftheMockTurtlewouldbesokind.

GRYPHON[Offended.]Hm!Noaccountingfortastes![ToTurtle.]Singher“TurtleSoup,”willyou,oldfellow?

TURTLE[Sighsdeeply,andbeginstosinginavoicesometimeschokedwithsobs.] BeautifulSoup,sorichandgreen, Waitinginahottureen! Whoforsuchdaintieswouldnotstoop? Soupoftheevening,beautifulSoup! Soupoftheevening,beautifulSoup! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Soo—oopofthee—e—evening, Beautiful,beautifulSoup! BeautifulSoup!Whocaresforfish, Game,oranyotherdish? Whowouldnotgiveallelsefortwo pennyworthonlyofbeautifulSoup? PennyworthonlyofbeautifulSoup? Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Soo—oopofthee—e—evening, Beautiful,beauti—FULSOUP!

58

GRYPHON

Chorusagain![TheWhiteRabbitenters.]

RABBITThetrial’sbeginning!

GRYPHONOhmy![TakesAlicebythehandandbeginstohurryheroffstage.]Comeon!

ALICEWhattrialisit?

GRYPHONComeon![Alice,Gryphon,andRabbitexit.]

TURTLE Soo—oopofthee—e—evening,Beautiful,beautifulSoup!

59

Scene9:WhoStoletheTarts?andAlice’sEvidence

Alice,Gryphon,andtheWhiteRabbitenterthecourtroomandseetheKing(inajudge’swig)andQueenofHeartsseatedonthrones.TheKnaveofHearts,inchains,standsbeforethethroneswiththeExecutionerandCardsguardinghim.TheWhiteRabbitpicksupatrumpetinonehandandreadsfromascrollofparchmentintheother.Inthemiddleofthecourtisatablewithalargedishoftartsuponit.HumptyDumpty(nowputtogetheragain),Tweedledum,andTweedledeeareseatedintheJuryBox.GryphonandAlicesittoobservetheproceedings.Theairisfilledwithageneraltwitteringduetoanxietyandexcitement.

RABBITSilenceinthecourt!

KING

Herald,readtheaccusation!

RABBIT[Blowsthreeblastsonthetrumpet,andthenunrollstheparchmentscroll,andreads.]TheQueenofHearts,shemadesometarts,Allonasummerday:TheKnaveofHearts,hestolethosetarts,Andtookthemquiteaway!

KING

[Tothejury.]Consideryourverdict!

RABBITNotyet,notyet!There’sagreatdealtocomebeforethat!

KING

Callthefirstwitness

RABBIT[Blowsthreeblastsonthetrumpet.]Firstwitness![TheMadHatter,theMarchHare,andtheDormouseenter.TheHatterhasateacupinonehandandapieceofbread-and-butterintheother.TheMarchHareandtheDormousesitnexttoAlice.]

HATTERIbegpardon,yourMajesty,forbringingthesein,butIhadn’tquitefinishedmyteawhenIwassentfor.

KING

Yououghttohavefinished.Whendidyoubegin?

60

HATTER

[LooksatMarchHareandDormouse.]FourteenthofMarch,Ithinkitwas.

HAREFifteenth.

DORMOUSESixteenth.

KING

[Tojury]Writethatdown. [Thejurymurmursexcitedlyastheytakethisdown.][TotheHatter.]Takeoffyourhat.

HATTERItisn’tmine.

KING

Stolen!

HATTERIkeepthemtosell,I’venoneofmyown.I’mahatter.

KING

Giveyourevidence,anddon’tbenervous,orI’llhaveyouexecutedonthespot.

DORMOUSE[ToAlice.]Iwishyouwouldn’tsqueezeso.Icanhardlybreathe.

ALICEIcan’thelpit.I’mgrowing.

DORMOUSEYou’venorighttogrowhere.

ALICEDon’ttalknonsense,youknowyou’regrowingtoo.

DORMOUSEYes,butIgrowatareasonablepace,notinthatridiculousfashion.

QUEENBringmethelistofthesingersinthelastconcert!

KING

61

Giveyourevidence,orI’llhaveyouexecuted,whetheryou’renervousornot.

HATTERI’mapoorman,yourMajesty—andIhadn’tbegunmytea—notaboveaweekorso—andwhatwiththebread-and-buttergettingsothin—andthetwinklingofthetea—

KING

Thetwinklingofthewhat?

HATTERItbeganwiththetea.

KING

OfcoursetwinklingbeginswithaT!Doyoutakemeforadunce?Goon!

HATTERI’mapoorman,andmostthingstwinkledafterthat—onlytheMarchHaresaid—

HARE

Ididn’t!

HATTERYoudid!

HARE

Idenyit!

KING[Tothejury.]Hedeniesit,leaveoutthatpart.

HATTERWell,atanyrate,theDormousesaid— [LooksanxiouslyaroundtoseeiftheDormousewoulddenyittoo,butthe Dormousedeniesnothing,beingfastasleep.]Afterthat,Icutsomemorebread-and-butter—

HUMPTYButwhatdidtheDormousesay?

HATTERThatIcan’tremember.

KING

Youmustremember,orI’llhaveyouexecuted.

62

HATTER[Dropshisteacupandbread-and-butter,andgoesdownononeknee.]I’mapoorman,yourMajesty.

KING

You’reaverypoorspeaker.Ifthat’sallyouknowaboutit,youmaystanddown.

HATTERIcan’tgonolower.I’monthefloor,asitis.

KING

Thenyoumaysitdown.

HATTERI’dratherfinishmytea.

KING

Youmaygo.[Hatterhurriedlyleavesthecourt.]

QUEEN—andjusttakehisheadoffoutside.

KING

Callthenextwitness! [TheDuchess’sCookenters,peppermillinhand.]Giveyourevidence.

COOK

Shan’t.[TheKinglooksattheWhiteRabbit,baffledbythisresponse.]

RABBIT[Inalowvoice.]YourMajestymustcross-examinethiswitness.

KING

[Melancholy.]Well,ifImust,Imust.Whataretartsmadeof?

COOKPepper,mostly.

DORMOUSETreacle.

63

QUEENCollarthatDormouse!BeheadthatDormouse!TurnthatDormouseoutofcourt!Suppresshim!Pinchhim!Offwithhiswhiskers![TheDormouseisremovedfromthecourt.TheCookexitsduringtheconfusion.]

KING

Nevermind!Callthenextwitness.[InanundertonetotheQueen]Really,mydear,youmustcross-examinethenextwitness.Itquitemakesmyforeheadache!

RABBITAlice!

ALICEHere! [Jumpsup,buthavinggrownsomuchinthelastfewminutes,sheaccidentally tipsoverthejurybox.]Oh,Ibegyourpardon!

KING

Thetrialcannotproceeduntilallthejurymenarebackintheirproperplaces—all.[Alicehelpsthejurorsreturntothejurybox.]

KING

Whatdoyouknowaboutthisbusiness?

ALICENothing.

KING

Nothingwhatever?

ALICENothingwhatever.

KING

[Tothejury.]That’sveryimportant.

RABBITUnimportant,yourMajestymeans,ofcourse.

KING

Unimportant,ofcourse,Imeant.[Inanundertone,asifheweretryingoutwhichwordsoundedbest.]Important—unimportant—unimportant—important—Silence!RuleForty-two.Allpersonsmorethanamilehightoleavethecourt.

64

[EverybodylooksatAlice.]

ALICEI’mnotamilehigh.

KING

Youare.

QUEENNearlytwomileshigh.

ALICEWell,Ishan’tgo,atanyrate.Besides,that’snotaregularrule:youinventeditjustnow.

KING

It’stheoldestruleinthebook.

ALICEThenitoughttobeNumberOne.

KING

[Tothejury.]Consideryourverdict.

RABBITThere’smoreevidencetocomeyet,pleaseyourMajesty.Thispaperhasjustbeenpickedup.

QUEENWhat’sinit?

RABBITIhaven’topenedityet,butitseemstobealetter,writtenbytheprisonerto—tosomebody.

KING

Itmusthavebeenthat,unlessitwaswrittentonobody,whichisn’tusual,youknow.

DUMWhoisitdirectedto?

RABBITItisn’tdirectedatall.Infact,there’snothingwrittenontheoutside. [Unfoldspaper.]Itisn’taletter,afterall:it’sasetofverses.

65

DEE

Aretheyintheprisoner’shandwriting?

RABBITNo,they’renot,andthat’sthequeerestthingaboutit.

KING

Hemusthaveimitatedsomebodyelse’shand.

KNAVEPleaseyourMajesty,Ididn’twriteit,andtheycan’tproveIdid.There’snonamesignedattheend.

KING

Ifyoudidn’tsignit,thatonlymakesthematterworse.Youmusthavemeantsomemischief,orelseyou’dhavesignedyournamelikeanhonestman.[Juryapplaudsthiscleverness.]

QUEENThatproveshisguilt.

ALICEItprovesnothingofthesort!Why,youdon’tevenknowwhatthey’reabout!

KING

Readthem.

RABBIT[Putsonspectacles.]WhereshallIbegin,pleaseyourMajesty?

KING

Beginatthebeginning,andgoontillyoucometotheend,thenstop.

RABBITTheytoldmeyouhadbeentoher,Andmentionedmetohim:Shegavemeagoodcharacter,ButsaidIcouldnotswim.HesentthemwordIhadnotgone(Weknowittobetrue):Ifsheshouldpushthematteron,Whatwouldbecomeofyou?

66

Igaveherone,theygavehimtwo,Yougaveusthreeormore;Theyallreturnedfromhimtoyou,Thoughtheywereminebefore.IfIorsheshouldchancetobeInvolvedinthisaffair,Hetruststoyoutosetthemfree,Exactlyaswewere.Mynotionwasthatyouhadbeen(Beforeshehadthisfit)AnobstaclethatcamebetweenHim,andourselves,andit.Don’tlethimknowshelikedthembest,ForthismusteverbeAsecret,keptfromalltherest,Betweenyourselfandme.

KING

That’sthemostimportantpieceofevidencewe’veheardyet,sonowletthejury—

ALICEIfanyoneofthemcanexplainit,I’llgivehimsixpence.Idon’tbelievethere’sanatomofmeaninginit.

KING

Ifthere’snomeaninginit,thatsavesaworldoftrouble,youknow,asweneedn’ttrytofindany.AndyetIdon’tknow.[Gesturesforthepaper;inspectsit.]Iseemtoseesomemeaninginthem,afterall.“—saidIcouldnotswim—”[TotheKnave.]Youcan’tswim,canyou?

KNAVEDoIlooklikeit?

KING

Allright,sofar.“Weknowittobetrue—”that’sthejury,ofcourse—“Igaveherone,theygavehimtwo—”why,thatmustbewhathedidwiththetarts,youknow—

ALICEBut,itgoeson“theyallreturnedfromhimtoyou.”

KING

Why,theretheyare! [Pointstothetartsonthetable.]

67

Nothingcanbeclearerthanthat.Thenagain—“beforeshehadthisfit—”youneverhadfits,mydear,Ithink?

QUEENNever!

KING

Thenthewordsdon’tfityou. [Looksroundthecourtwithasmile.Thereisadeadsilence.]It’sapun! [Everybodylaughs.]Letthejuryconsidertheirverdict.

QUEENNo,no!Sentencefirst—verdictafterwards.

ALICEStuffandnonsense!Theideaofhavingthesentencefirst!

QUEENHoldyourtongue!

ALICEIwon’t!

QUEENOffwithherhead!

ALICEWhocaresforyou?You’renothingbutapackofcards![TheCardsallrunatAlice.Atthis,thewholepackrisesupintotheairandcomesflyingdownuponher.Alicegivesalittlescream,halfoffrightandhalfofanger,andtriestofendthemoff.—Alicewakesup.]

VOICEAlicefoundherselflyinginbed.

MOMWakeup,Alicedear!Why,whatalongsleepyou’vehad!

ALICEOh,I’vehadsuchacuriousdream!

VOICE

68

Alicetoldhermother,aswellasshecouldrememberthem,allherstrangeAdventures.Whenshehadfinished,hermotherhuggedher,andsaid—

MOMItwasacuriousdream,dear,certainly:butnowruntoyourlessons.It’sgettinglate.[Aliceexits.]

VOICESoAlicegotupandranoff,thinkingwhilesheran,aswellshemight,whatawonderfuldreamithadbeen.Buthermothersatstilljustasshelefther,sittingdownandpickingupthebookAlicewasreadingthenightbefore. [AsMomreads,thescenerychangesagainfromAlice’sbedroomintothenature scenewithforestanimals.]AsmotherthoughtaboutlittleAliceandallherwonderfulAdventures,thewholeplacearoundherbecamealivewiththestrangecreaturesofAlice’sdream.Shepicturedtoherselfhowthissamedaughterofherswould,intheaftertime,beherselfagrownwoman;andhowshehopedshewouldkeep,throughallheryears,thesimpleandlovingheartofherchildhood:andhowshewouldgatheraboutherotherlittlechildren,andmaketheireyesbrightandeagerwithmanyastrangetale,perhapsevenwiththedreamofWonderlandoflongago:andhowshewouldfeelwithalltheirsimplesorrows,andfindapleasureinalltheirsimplejoys,rememberingherownchild-life,andthehappysummerdays.

[THEEND.]