all rights reserved © 2016 the axle, tightening around duncan's neck and dragging her from the...
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PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143
All Rights Reserved © 2016
SLAP HAPPY An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-
old man. She returned to her daughter's
house later that night, upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter
asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
IN THE MOOD A husband, concerned with his wife’s mood
swings, bought her a ring that would enable
him to monitor these changes. He discov-
ered that when she was in a good mood,
the ring turned green. But when she was
in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on
his forehead. Maybe he should have bought
her a diamond.
SO THAT’S WHY
A future lawyer was taking a course on
wills when the professor asked the stu-
dents: “Why do people leave every-
thing to their children, instead of their
brothers or sisters?”
The man raised his hand. "This may be a bit off
the point," he said, "but when I was little, my
brothers would stuff me into a drawer."
PICKLE: A CUCUMBER SOURED BY A JARRING EXPERIENCE
A STATE TROOPER PULLED ME OVER AND SAID, “PAPERS”. I SAID ‘SCISSORS, I WIN!’ AND DROVE AWAY
IF YOU’RE NOT HUNGRY FOR GOD YOU ARE FULL OF YOURSELF
IRONING BOARDS ARE JUST SURF BOARDS THAT GAVE UP ON THEIR DREAMS AND GOT A REAL JOB...HOW SAD IS THAT?
PAR FOR THE COURSE
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The
straight fairway which ran along a highway and a bike path
was fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in
that direction. The ball went over the fence and
bounced off the bike path onto the blacktop,
where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was
knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked
him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the
bus schedule."
TALKING ABOUT CARS...
A first grader was caught cursing and swearing by his teacher.
"Son,” she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language.
Where did you ever hear that?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the
teacher. "You don't even know what
it means."
"I do so!" the youngster correct-
ed. "It means the car won't start."
GOD IS NEVER SURPRISED
I'M GROWING OLD BY MYSELF. MY WIFE HASN'T HAD A BIRTHDAY IN YEARS
* On Sept. 18, 1793, George Washington lays
the cornerstone to the United States Capi-
tol. The building would take nearly a
century to complete, as architects came
and went, the British set fire to it, and it
was called into use during the Civil
War.
* On Sept. 12, 1993, the rebuilt Lacey V. Murrow Bridge
over Lake Washington opens in Seattle. The old bridge was
almost 2 miles long and floated on more than 20 hollow con-
crete pontoons. During repairs in 1990, the bridge broke apart
and sank.
* On Sept. 16, 1908, Buick Motor Compa-
ny head William Durant spends $2,000 to
incorporate General Motors. Durant
made his fortune building horse-
drawn carriages, and in fact he
hated cars -- he thought they
were noisy, smelly and dan-
gerous.
WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS ON A HUMAN JOURNEY
CAUSE HAPPINESS WHEREVER YOU GO—NOT WHENEVER YOU GO
* On Sept. 14, 1927, dancer Isadora Duncan
is strangled in France when the enormous silk
scarf she is wearing gets tangled in the rear
hubcaps of her open car. The scarf wound
around the axle, tightening around Duncan's
neck and dragging her from the car. She died
instantly.
* On Sept. 17, 1965, four adventurous Englishmen arrive at
the Frankfurt Motor Show in Germany after crossing the Eng-
lish Channel by Amphicar, an amphib-
ious passenger car powered by a 43-
horsepower Triumph Herald engine. De-
spite choppy waters and a flooded engine,
the two vehicles made the crossing in
about seven hours.
* On Sept. 15, 1978, boxer Muham-
mad Ali (born Cassius Marcellus Clay)
defeats Leon Spinks to regain the world heavyweight boxing
title. Ali had first won the title in 1964 at age 22, defeating
Sonny Liston.
* On Sept. 13, 2004, TV talk-show host Oprah
Winfrey gives a brand-new Pontiac G-6 sedan,
worth $28,500, to all 276 members of her stu-
dio audience. However, the winners were left
with a large bill: up to $6,000 in federal
and state income taxes.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.
MY SPELLING IS SO BAD THAT MY SPELL CHECKER JUST SHRUGS ITS SHOULDERS AND WALKS AWAY
WE HAVE A GOD WHO DELIGHTS IN IMPOSSIBILITIES
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN, I'D BE A PLUMBER. -- EINSTEIN
WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG IN YOUR LIFE JUST YELL ‘PLOT TWIST” AND MOVE ON
IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED
SARCASM IS LIKE PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE FACE BUT USING YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR WORDS INSTEAD OF YOUR FISTS
I WONDER IF CLOUDS EVER LOOK DOWN ON US AND SAY THINGS LIKE, “LOOK AT THAT ONE...HE LOOKS LIKE AN IDIOT”
WE TURN TO GOD FOR HELP WHEN OUR FOUNDATIONS ARE SHAKING, ONLY TO LEARN THAT IT IS GOD WHO IS SHAKING THEM
YOU ARE NOT HERE ACCIDENTALLY--YOU ARE HERE MEANINGFULLY. THERE IS A PURPOSE BEHIND YOU - MOTHER TERESA
PRAYERS AS HEARD BY CHILDREN
Missoula, Mont: My son, in nursery school, said, "Our
Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio: I remember thinking this
prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Tampa, Fla: When my husband was 6
years old, he thought a certain prayer was
"He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The
real words were "under Pontius Pilate."
Lake Forest Park, Wash: As a little girl,
we sang a song about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And
the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived
next door to a couple of charming little girls who always
sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words
were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Grand Junction, Colo: When I was younger, I believed
the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was
praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
Oak Harbor, Wash: My older brother always walked up
to the altar with my mother when she took communion. On
one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does
the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whis-
pered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years
later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet
until you get to your seat."
Courtesy of You Make Me Laugh, www.Crosswalk.com
NEXT TIME I’M ALONE AND A STRANGER TALKS TO ME I WILL JUST LOOK AT HIM SHOCKED AND WHISPER QUIETLY, “YOU CAN SEE ME?”
IF YOU CANNOT FIND THE TRUTH RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, WHERE ELSE DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND IT?
I JUST SPENT 10 MINUTES SEARCHING IN MY CAR FOR MY PHONE...USING MY PHONE AS A FLASHLIGHT TO DO IT...
SHOCKING Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class
casinos are now equipped with sophisti-
cated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver
the precise level of electric shock
needed to revive a heart attack vic-
tim. That's if you're at a high class
casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just
drag you across the carpet and touch your fin-
ger to a doorknob.
RUDE AWAKENING One day at the office, one of the workers went missing for a
few hours. All work stopped as they tore up the place looking
for him.
The boss finally found him
curled up in a corner fast
asleep. Rather than wake him,
he quietly placed a note on the
man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it
read, "you have a job. But as soon
as you wake up, you're fired!"