MARCH 2005 • ADAR I 5756

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SSttaatteemmeenntt ooff PPoolliiccyyThe Jewish Observer has devoted a great deal of space to the

perils of the Internet and to the need for everyone to be

extremely vigilant in its use. We have echoed the pleas of our

gedolim that it should not be in use, unless it is an unavoid-

able necessity, and then only with all suitable safeguards.

While its dangers must be recognized and controlled to every

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Internet.

NEW VISTAS ON THE ISRAELI SCENE

6 THE MOST UNIQUE DEMOGRAPHIC KIRUV OPPORTUNITY

IN DECADES, Chanan (Anthony) Gordon

9 A NEW TYPE OF ADVOCACY FOR ISRAEL,

Yonoson Rosenblum

14 BUYING JEWISH SOULS, Mayaan Pase-Jaffe

20 THE DOUBLE HELIX’S DOUBLE, A Poem by

Bracha Goetz

21 FAREWELL TO RABBI ELIEZER GELDZAHLER l”xz,

Rabbi Michel Twerski

27 READERS’ FORUM: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE

TUNNEL – MENTAL HEALTH

SHALOM BAYIS-PLUS

32 HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE,

A Review Article by Rabbi Mordechai Biser

40 IT BEGINS WITH SAYING “HELLO,” Sara Medwed

43 ADAR THROUGH A FISH TANK, Gavriella Bachrach

45 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

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6

NEW VISTAS ON THE ISRAELI SCENE

Taking Advantage of ADemographic Aberration

S ome fascinating demographictrends in Eretz Yisroel have recent-ly been published, which give our

brothers and sisters in the chareidi com-munity there both a unique opportuni-ty and a responsibility pertaining to kiruvrechokim.

Today, the chareidi communitycounts for approximately 12%1 ofIsrael’s Jewish population. While, as onewould expect, my research of recentsocio-economic developments within thechareidi ranks did yield some areas ofconcern,2 on the positive side, it alsobecame patently clear that the chareidicommunity in Eretz Yisroel, over the nextseveral years, has a most unique oppor-tunity to have a significant impact on the

chiloni (non-religious) population. Thisopportunity to expose hundreds ofthousands of secular Israelis to the beau-ty of our Torah and rich heritage is par-tially due to a “demographic timebomb” resulting from a single almostunbelievable statistical fact: more than50% of the chareidi population – a pop-ulation with a birth rate that averages 7.6children per woman – is below the ageof 8 years old.3

Thankfully, as ambiguous and con-fusing as the Council of JewishFederation’s NJPS 2000 was in America,4

the Louis Guttmann Israel Institute ofApplied Research’s Survey5 (“TheGuttman Survey”) of the same year wasclear and succinct. Read together withthe exploding chareidi “baby boom”alluded to above, it seems clear to me –

especially after hearing the words of someof our Gedolim first hand6 – that we areobligated to capitalize on this situation.

Israeli Society: a Strong Traditional Bent

In many ways, The Guttman Survey,to date the most comprehensive researchever conducted on the religious behav-ior of Israeli Jews, dispelled the myth thatthe liberal media has been at pains to cre-ate, i.e., that the majority of Israelis wouldwant nothing more than to ensure thatIsrael evolved into just another secularcountry. According to The GuttmanSurvey:

The rhetoric of the secular andreligious polarization generally used

CCHHAANNAANN ((AANNTTOONNYY)) GGOORRDDOONN is a Fulbright

Scholar and graduate of Harvard Law

School. Mr. Gordon has co-authored and

authored numerous articles that have pre-

viously appeared in JO, most recently “The

Future of American Jewry Revisited” (in Oct.

’03). Mr. Gordon is the Chairman of the Los

Angeles Kiruv Chabura as well as

Chairman of Young Friends of Lakewood.

He is a Managing Director of MFS Capital,

a boutique investment bank in Beverly Hills.

The Most UniqueDemographic

KiruvOpportunityin Decades

Chanan (Antony) Gordon

1 Unless explicitly noted to the contrary, the basicsource of the data cited in this article is the IsraeliCentral Bureau of Statistics, Machon Yerushalayim.2 47% of the chareidi population lives below thepoverty line (i.e., approximately 600,000 peopleout of the 1.16 million Israeli citizens that cur-rently live below the poverty line falls within thechareidi population).3 I am indebted to Professor Joseph Bodenheimer,President of The Jerusalem College of Technology,which runs a specific chareidi Program. ProfessorBodenheimer, whom I spoke to in person in the

course of my research, brought to my attention someof the demographic trends and statistics cited inthis article.4 The Guttman Survey was commissioned by theAvi Chai Foundation, involving a national sam-ple of 2,466 respondents from all over Israel witha maximum sampling error of 3%. TheHighlights were published in June, 2002.5 See author’s article on the topic, JO Oct. ’03.6 Including meetings with the likes of Rabbi MichelYehuda Lefkowitz, t’’yhka, Rosh Yeshiva of thePonevezeh Yeshiva in Bnei Brak, last year

to characterize Israeli society ishighly misleading. It would be moreaccurate to say that Israeli society hasa strong traditional bent, and, as faras religious practice is concerned, thatthere is a continuum from the“strictly observant”to the “non-obser-vant,” rather than a great dividebetween the religious minority andsecular majority.Some of the findings of The Guttman

Survey are worthy of note:7

98% of Israeli Jews who define them-selves as “totally non-observant” have amezuzah on their front doors;

79% of the men among them own apair of tefillin;

77% of them say that markingShabbos in some way is an importantprinciple in their lives;

86% of Israeli Jews believe in G-d,with 55% believing that the Torah wasgiven to Moshe on Mount Sinai.

The responsibility to ensure that nomore Israeli Jews become self-defined“non-observant” Jews lies with us.

The Key Factor:Ignorance

Obviously, intermarriage in EretzYisroel is not the key cause for the major-ity of Israeli Jews to part from our meso-rah; ignorance is. There is only one wayto dispel erroneous myths about Torahobservance – address ignorance head on.As all our Gedolim have been saying inrecent years, the answer is education.

Note: one third of the non-observantrespondents in The Guttman Survey saidthat they would like to be “somewhatmore” or “much more” observant thanthey presently are. No chareidi Jew inEretz Yisroel should ignore the cry com-ing from the non-observant communi-ty, 50% of whom said they wouldprefer their children to be “somewhatobservant.”

The responsibility to heed these cries

falls on our chareidi communities in EretzYisroel and there has never been a bet-ter time than now

The hundreds of thousands of charei-di Jews who in the years to come willbecome a more statistically significant partof Israeli society have to be taught now,during their formative years, that “non-observant” Jews living in Eretz Yisroelshould be embraced, taught and uncon-ditionally loved. All indications are –whether we rely on the findings of The

Guttman Survey or the huge amount ofanecdotal evidence being compiled by thelikes of Lev L’Achim, Aish Hatorah andmany others spearheading the charge –that this time, the overtures to “come backhome” will not fall on deaf ears.

The Unique Opportunity

In Chomas Hadas, written in the early1920s, the Chofetz Chaim emphasized thetremendous obligation on each and everyTorah-observant Jew to reach out to non-observant Jews, and the severity ofneglecting this charge. As the ChofetzChaim was at pains to point out,“Ve’ahavta lerei’acha kamocha,” “Losaamod al dam rei’echa,” “Hoche’achtochi’ach,” and kiddush Hashem meanthat every Jew should spare no effort insafeguarding the spiritual well-being ofa fellow Jew. The responsibility, theChofetz Chaim made clear, cannot be leftto outreach organizations and a fewaskanim (activists). The task is toolarge, and the opportunity is too great,to rely on a few “outreach generals” inthe war against assimilation. We mustmobilize our entire “army.”

The stirring “call to action” issued byRabbi Moshe Feinstein, l”xz in 1973 to

Orthodox Jews to “maaser” their time foroutreach efforts was directed at bneiTorah, not kiruv organizations. (See JO,June ’73.) Similarly, the well-known “KolKorei” (“The voices of our brothers arecalling to you”), addressing the Torahcommunities in Eretz Yisroel at the timeto help facilitate non-observant Jews toreturn to Torah observance, was signedby such leaders as Rabbi Elazar Schach,the Steipler Gaon, and Rabbi ChaimShmuelevitz l”xz.

Even those whose dedication to thecalling of Torasam umenasam (a 24-hour-a-day Torah scholar) limits their availabil-ity for kiruv will find ways of reaching outin the suggestions that follow.

Mobilizing the “Ground Troops”

The only question, then, is, lemaaseh,what can you, your friends, relatives andfamily in Eretz Yisroel do to heed the call?

Every Torah-observant Jew eitherknows a non-observant Jew or, at the veryleast, comes into contact with estrangedJews on a bus or taxi, at the market, oron a plane trip. Today, unlike in previ-ous generations, even the most insulat-ed communities cannot be said to livein a vacuum.

Allow me to list some “lay kiruvweapons of choice” that have beentried and tested, and can be utilized byanyone in our “Torah army” with min-imal time or cost:

• Purim mishloach manos – Purim isnot far off … send mishloach manos toa non-observant Jew with a simple notewishing him or her a happy Purim. Inmy experience, almost every recipient ofsuch an unexpected gift will be deeply

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7 The reader should also refer to a recent articleby Sara Yoheved Rigler in Mishpacha (July 21, 2004)for more detailed comments relating to TheGuttman Survey, germane to the premise of thisarticle.

No chareidi Jew in Eretz Yisroelshould ignore the cry coming from the

non-observant community, 50% of whom

said they would prefer their children

to be “somewhat observant.”

touched; it’s a small gesture that justmight hit the spot.

• Bikur cholim – Every major hospi-tal in Eretz Yisroel (and America) wel-comes volunteers and permits access tonon-critical patients during specified

hours. Which Torah-observant Jew canhonestly say that he cannot spare fifteenminutes every four weeks to spend witha non-observant fellow Jew who isbed-ridden? The many true stories ofrelationships that were forged when aperson was not well and feeling vulner-able, resulting in life-changing decisions,bear testimony to this.

• Partners In Torah – Spending timewith a fellow, less-Torah-educated Jew,either in person or over the telephone,has been the catalyst for literally thou-sands reevaluating and upgrading theircommitment to Yiddishkeit. As ourrabbis tells us “devarim hayotzim minhaleiv nichnasim el haleiv.”8 – The sim-ple DNA of the Yiddishe neshama is such

that as long as people sincerely teach andnot preach, the emes will resonate onsome level.

• The transcendental beauty of Torah“sells itself ” – Invitations to non-obser-vant Jews to join one’s family for a tra-

ditional Shabbos seuda, a Pesach seder, anupsheren, a siyum and the like will begladly embraced. No sensitive Jew isimpervious to the varmkeit and ruchniyusemanating from any traditional functionin keeping with our mesorah. The seedsplanted in a Jewish soul privy to any ofthese events may take months or yearsto germinate, but every Yiddisheneshama has its season.

This is not the forum to enumeratean exhaustive laundry list of successful“kiruv techniques for the layperson.” Atthe end of the day, it is usually a smallmagnanimous gesture that ignites thedormant spark within. More often thannot, a simple smile or “giving a fellowJew the time of day” becomes a life-

changing spark of inspiration. In the ratrace oriented and often impersonalworld in which most non-observant Jewslive, the stark contrast of displaying gen-uine care, in and of itself, makes a hugeimpression. Recall Onkelos,9 whose sin-gle act of kissing a mezuzah, thenresponding with sincerity to a questionposed, resulted in thousands of soldiersconverting to Judaism. The potential eter-nal consequences of a single small act!

Conclusion – Back to the Numbers …

As Rabbi Shmuel Bloom, ExecutiveVice President of Agudath Israel, point-ed out at the opening of the recent 82ndNational Convention – after citingsome of our research – notwithstandingthe scary prognosis of Jewish demo-graphics in America,“… now is the timethat these Jews can still be saved. A gen-eration from now will, for so many, betoo late. Obviously, that realizationdemands that we help all the fineorganizations that are involved in kiruv.But organizations and kiruv profession-als can only reach a small percentage ofJews. Once and for all, each and everyone of us has to realize that he or she hasthe personal responsibility to theRibbono shel Olam to save His children….If we love Hakadosh Baruch Hu and wetake our Yiddishkeit seriously, we mustrealize that He is, kevayachol, crying inpain that so many of His children havedrifted from home. We, and only we, havethe ability to bring them back….”

Rabbi Bloom’s words must be echoedto Eretz Yisroel with as much vigor. Thedata is in … the demographic wave clear-ly points to a unique opportunity for theTorah-observant community in EretzYisroel to become an ambassador ofHakadosh Baruch Hu in the decadesahead…. Our Gedolim have spoken….Our chareidi brothers and sisters in EretzYisroel should be ready to embrace thisopportunity with the passion that itdeserves. d

8 Sefer Shivas Yisroel, Rabbi Moshe Ibn Ezra9 Bavli, Avoda Zora 11a

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

The simple DNA of the Yiddishe neshama is such that as long as people

sincerely teach and not preach,

the emes will resonate on some level.

Farewell to

Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler l”xz

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T h e J e w i s h O b s e r v e r

I. Facing the Challenge

P erhaps one of the most profoundchallenges of the last ten months,and even more so now with Reb

Eliezer’s passing, is trying to understandhow the Master of the Universe runs Hisworld. It is evident from people’s ques-tions and comments that they are strug-gling, as we are ourselves, to extract

meaning, to make sense of this dread-ful event. Over the last half century, veryfew people have had so many fervent tefil-los said on their behalf as did my son-in-law. Throughout our travels inAmerica, Europe and Israel, we foundpeople petitioning the Almighty, recit-ing Tehillim, giving charity, and makingdeeper and more extensive commitmentsto shemiras hamitzvos in the merit of his

hoped-for recovery. Wherever we went,we were stopped with the question,“Howis Reb Eliezer doing?”

Indeed, what did happen to ourprayers? Can it be that G-d ignored somany heartfelt petitions?

Another problem: There is an abid-ing sense of apprehension, of fear.We findourselves wrestling with strange, unde-fined anxieties. What is happening to us?

Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Ohr Yisroel in Canarsie, passed away on 9 Kislev (November22). He died as a result of severe head injuries sustained in a bus accident in Israel ten months before, when heseized the steering wheel of the bus carrying his talmidim, in an attempt to avoid a devastating collision with atruck. He is survived by his parents, Rabbi Yehoshua Geldzhaler (founding Rosh Yeshiva and dean of Yeshiva andMesivta Ohr Yisroel in Forest Hills, NY, for over forty years) and his Rebbetzin (daughter of Rabbi Eliyahu EliezerDessler l”xz), his wife and his thirteen children, the youngest of whom is 2 1/2 months old.

His concern for others and grasp of Torah were rare and profound, as were his zest for life and his love ofHashem. His loss is mourned by tens of thousands throughout the world.

This article is based on the eulogy delivered by his father-in-law, Rabbi Michel Twerski, at Congregation BethJehudah in Milwaukee on 19 Kislev. It was transcribed by Nachum Abrams and edited for publication by Dr.Ayton Grinell, a member of the kehilla.

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

Most importantly, we are all desper-ate for consolation. What can we do toassuage our grief? Let’s begin with ourfeelings of rejection. Are they justified?

Rejection in Context

Over the last ten months, we allpoured our hearts out to our Maker. Weasked the Master of the Universe to healEliezer in spite of his terrible injuries. Werefused to believe the doctors who toldus it was hopeless, because we believe ina G-d who can do anything. And webelieved that if there was anyone who

could stand on his feet again and lightup the world in spite of his injuries, itwas Eliezer. It didn’t happen! G-d,assumedly, wasn’t listening to us. Deepdown, we felt rejected and disdained.Even now that the shiva has passed andwe should have achieved perspective andclarity, we continue to feel a sense ofhumiliation. Was G-d listening ?

Stop and reflect. During these tenmonths, there were in excess of threehundred million tefillos addressed by KlalYisroel to Hashem. Not just for RebEliezer! We davened three times every dayfor ourselves, for our loved ones, for Jewseverywhere. We told G-d that we appre-

ciate what He does for us, and we impor-tuned Him for our parnassa (livelihood),our health, our children, our families,understanding, and a legion of otherneeds. Virtually without exception,Hashem gave us what we wanted, hun-dreds of millions of affirmative replies.Amongst the multitude of requests towhich Hashem said “Yes,” there was oneexclusion to which He resolutely said“No”: the prayer for Reb Eliezer. We can-not, in all honesty, in the context of suchvast responsiveness, legitimately contendthat He rejected our prayers. But thereis more than rejection. We feel troubledand confused. We are anguished becausethere is more going on beneath the sur-face. I believe the issue we need to exploreis that of “control.”

Control… andVulnerability

We live in an age of control. Scienceand technology have placed at our dis-posal exceptional dominion over ourphysical universe, and our culture hasinculcated us with the arrogance ofpower. The crowning touch to ourcontemporary conceit is the advent ofthe computer. We order, it obeys; wedemand, it delivers. With perniciousstealth, the computer has become theoperational paradigm of our relation-ship with the Divine.

Over the past ten months, we pushedall the appropriate keys; we entered allthe relevant information, the Tehillim,our mitzvos, our charity… – and ourHeavenly computer was not forthcom-ing. We were inexplicably unnerved andindignant. How could this be? If we exam-ine the contours of our emotions, we willdiscover beneath the grief a sense of ter-ror emanating from the ugly realizationthat we are not in total control of ourlives. Reb Eliezer’s petira (passing) hasforced us to step back from our arroganceand acknowledge that a greater Wisdomand Power is Sovereign over our fate.Unaccustomed as we are to such vulner-ability, we are justifiably overcome by ournew awareness of the fragility of life…and we are frightened.

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Faith in the Shadow of Silence

Finally, the loss of my son-in-lawforces us to stand next to Avraham Avinuat the moment of the Akeida (theBinding of Yitzchak), where there is noth-ing left but pure, absolute, boundlessfaith. When Avraham Avinu prepared toput the knife to his son’s throat, the worldas a comprehensible entity ceased to exist.It is no less so now. When a man of RebEliezer’s stature is taken from us—ayoung father, a son, a husband, an inspir-ing teacher and Torah scholar—we areshaken and crushed. We find ourselvessuspended where there is nothing but theawesome silence awaiting our faith andtrust. In the shadow of that faith, thereare no questions, and we can be at peace;beyond that shadow, we learn thatthere are no answers, and we are con-demned to unremitting pain and grief.Reb Eliezer was a paragon of consum-mate faith, maintaining in times of gravecrisis his signature “Gevaldik!” – an ever-present affirmation that the Ribbono shelOlam is in charge and all is well. Ourreadiness to be inspired by his exampleat this critical juncture is at once a ges-ture of great merit to his neshama, anda testimony to his supreme triumph asour teacher.

II. Reb Eliezer – A Blazing Fire

Reb Eliezer was full of such efferves-cence and vitality that we can only callhim a blaze of fire; someone so passion-ate and imposing, that we were compelledto be his students. We felt drawn to himand were eager to be in his company.What about Reb Eliezer had this effecton us? I believe that it was because heelevated everyone everywhere he went.This was true not only of his talmidim,who venerated him, and to whom hisevery word of encouragement meant somuch, but to everyone who crossed hispath, young and old, close or distant. Hispresence was infectious and uplifting.When he would enter a large public gath-ering, clusters of people vying for his

attention and advice would surroundhim. When he would join a group ofdancers at a wedding, an electric chargewould surge through the circle, carry-ing the dancers to new levels of excite-ment and fervor. His capacity to ignitehis surroundings was unsurpassed.

There is a key to this ability and thismagnetism, and in paying tribute to myson-in-law, it is essential that we under-stand it thoroughly. Permit me to reflecton the world’s fascination with heroes.Why is it that we so strongly identify withheroes? I believe it goes to the predilec-tion most people have towards compla-cency. While the majority of us entertainworthy ambitions, and dream grandiosedreams, we seem peculiarly unable totranslate these aspirations into reality. Thereason is as simple as it is obvious.

His Quest for Excellence

Excellence of any meaningful sortnecessitates industry and perseverance,and we don’t like hard work. Ineluctably,we sink into mediocrity, and in medi-ocrity we realize that we have betrayedthe fulfillment of our excellence and failedour personal promise. The resultant self-contempt is unbearable; for relief, we turnto heroes. Identifying with heroes pro-vides us with vicarious excellence. We livethrough the distinction and glory of oth-

ers, and take the easy way out of medi-ocrity and self-reproach. In a very fun-damental way, my son-in-law’s lifemission and career represented anunspoken declaration of war on medi-ocrity, and an impassioned outspokencrusade to promulgate each individual’sobligation to strive for personal excel-lence.

My son-in-law was an authenticTorah hero, a gadol in all three pillars:Torah, avoda and gemillas chassadim. Hemight have used his brilliance to focuson himself, to promote his personalstature, and by extension, the adulationof his peers and talmidim. Instead, hechose to dedicate his prodigious gifts tostimulate the quest for excellence in allwho sought his tutelage or advice, andturn them into heroes of their ownaccord. A brief overview of his historyreveals the way this principle was man-ifest in his life.

Of Persistence, Resolve, and Joy

From his earliest years, Reb Eliezerdemonstrated an aversion to coasting onhis gifted kishronos (talents). By age 13,he had mastered and diligently memo-rized Mesechta Zevachim in its entirety.While yet in yeshiva, he would common-ly learn for six consecutive hours with

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

unbroken concentration and song, takea brief respite, and return for another six-hour stretch. At night, he would line upthree shtenders and lean on them so thathe would not fall asleep while learning.When, on occasion, he would nod off,the shtenders would fall down and hewould get up and learn some more.

Reb Eliezer intuitively grasped eventhen that, aptitude notwithstanding, his

potential could only be addressed withtireless persistence and resolve. He alsointuited another crucial element, theindispensability of joy and passion.Reb Eliezer managed to find and exposein every possible moment and precinctof life the simcha and exhilarationwhich that moment held. Throughouthis young life, my son-in-law’s industryand simcha transformed him from adreamer of great dreams to a maker ofgreat realities. How else could he havecompleted Shas with mefarshim indepth by his thirty-fifth birthday?

As Reb Eliezer grew, he turned thisperspective and force on others.Ultimately, he became the quintessen-tial mentor, teaching hundreds oftalmidim to renounce their mediocrityin favor of pursuing their full promise.My son-in-law had an ability, aninspired sense, to recognize the uniqueendowments of each of his charges, andurged that image upon them until it

burned in the forefront of their minds.For that reason, he insisted on teachingninth grade instead of a higher level, sohe could get to know his talmidim fromthe beginning, the better to guide theirconstant ascent. Reb Eliezer demand-ed, encouraged, exhorted and pusheduntil hashalheves ala mei’eileha – untilhis students were ignited with a visionof their achievable potential. He set a newbar of excellence for Chassidishe yeshiv-os, as Ohr Yisroel’s talmidim attained theforefront of accomplishment inGemara, halacha and sifrei mussar. Reb

Eliezer’s very presence made an implic-it demand upon his surroundings:“Vechazakta vehayisa le’ish – stand upfor yourself and be the very strongest per-son you can be!”

Candles in the Dark

Let me close with an image. Duringthe summer months, Ohr Yisroel movedits program to the Catskills. At least onceevery year during this period, theRebbetzin and I would travel to the coun-try to visit with our children and grand-children, an interlude of particulardelight. Typically, at the third meal onShabbos, the lights would go out, as isthe practice at Shalosh Seudos in manyChassidic circles, and it would becomeimpenetrably dark in the dining room.Two hundred students sat togetherwith Reb Eliezer at their head, and theywould sing zemiros of yearning anddeveikus. Sometimes they would sing foran hour or more, invariably with pas-sion and gusto. It was paradise. Then itwould become quiet, and Reb Eliezerwould speak. He would urge the boys tolive completely; he would move them for-ward to themselves. He filled them withhis fire, and infused them with his temer-ity. In the dark, he was a voice that calledthem to their greatness. Then, long afterShabbos had ended, a little boy wouldbring two candles and set them down infront of Reb Eliezer. Just his face wouldbe lit and visible.

We find ourselves now in a very darkplace where we can no longer see RebEliezer’s face. But we can hear his voiceas he calls out to us, “Don’t live in thedungeons of idle dreams. Don’t be par-alyzed by complacency and mediocrity.Live what G-d has given you to the fullest.Live with the passion of your brightfutures. Live with song and joy. Live withlove and concern for each other.And ded-icate all of these things to the Ribbonoshel Olam.”

May Moshiach tzidkeinu set the can-dles before us that will light up the world,and in that light, we will see Reb Eliezeragain with his radiant smile, urging usto even greater life. d

He insisted on teaching ninth grade

instead of a higher level, so he could

get to know his talmidim from the

beginning, the better to guide

their constant ascent.

A Review Article by Rabbi Mordechai Biser

32

SHALOM BAYIS-PLUS

T he Gemara (Berachos 32b)teaches us that four thingsrequire constant effort and

chizuk (reinforcement). Included in thelist are maasim tovim (good deeds) andderech eretz (proper conduct). Surelyincluded in those categories is chizuk forshalom bayis, improving our marital rela-tionship.1 But in our hectic and often har-ried lives, where do we find meaningfulinspiration and realistic, practical adviceto enable us to work at improving ourmarriage, and how do we find the timeto put such advice into practice?

There are, fortunately, quite a num-ber of books (and some tape series) thatpresent the Torah perspective on this vitaltopic. Learning any of these is a goodplace to start; what follows is a briefreview of a few of the more recently-released works. Following the reviews aresome suggestions as how to best provideyoung couples with advice on shalombayis in a way that will have a lastingimpact on their marriages.2

Dear Son, by Rabbi Eliyohu Goldschmidt(Mesorah Publications, Brooklyn, NY,2004)

Rabbi Boruch Eliyohu Goldschmidtl”xz, former Mashgiach of the Yeshiva ofSouth Fallsburg, for many years conduct-ed weekly vaadim (discussion groups)

with young married men in Lakewoodon shalom bayis matters. Based in largepart on these vaadim, he wrote bvj lcs

– a beautiful sefer for chassanim tolearn during shana rishona (first year of

marriage) and beyond. RabbiGoldschmidt then wrote DearDaughter,3 which presents Torah wisdomand advice to about-to-be-married andnewly married young women on how toachieve and maintain shalom bayis.

When he was niftar (passed away) fouryears ago, Rabbi Goldschmidt was in the

process of writing Dear Son, a book foryoung men similar to Dear Daughter.Based on the manuscript he left, and thematerial in bvj lcs, his family complet-ed the book and it has just been published.

The book is written in the form ofshort letters “from the heart” from afather to his newly married son, and inthis fashion it very pleasantly and gen-tly presents the chassan with a wealth ofguidance. Based firmly on the teachingsof Chazal, and illustrated with marvelousstories and anecdotes drawn largely fromthe author’s own life experiences, DearSon takes the reader through many top-ics essential to building shalom bayis. Thesecular vs. the Torah view of love, theimportance of viewing one’s spouse pos-itively, how to speak with your wife, learn-ing her language, how to apologize, howto resolve differences, how to avoid anger,and much more are all discussed withwarmth and wisdom, and spiced with witand humor. What is particularly specialabout Dear Son is that the advice is pre-sented in a style that is so caring andpleasant that the reader won’t feel he isbeing lectured to—divrei chachamimbenachas nishma’im—but he will feelinspired to listen to the author’s advice

RRaabbbbii BBiisseerr is Associate General Counsel

of Agudath Israel of America. His first arti-

cle in JO was “Shalom Bayis: The Need for

Formal Hadracha,” Summer ’01. He is still

trying to be a good husband.

1 Heard from Rabbi Yisroel Rokowsky2 This article is a review only of those booksand tapes that were presented to the authorto review for the Jewish Observer. It is far froma comprehensive survey of the Torah litera-ture in English on marriage, and should notbe taken as indicating a preference for thebooks reviewed as opposed to the other booksin the field. Indeed, there are a number ofother excellent works on the topic, including

Rabbi Aharon Feldman’s The River, the Kettle,and the Bird; Rabbi Ezriel Tauber’s To BecomeOne; Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s Marriage; RabbiShmuel Eisenblatt’s Fulfillment in Marriage;Rabbi Yirmiyahu and Tehilla Abramov’s TwoHalves of a Whole; Malka Kaganoff ’s DearKallah; Atara Malach’s You Owe it to Yourself,and many more.3 This book was reviewed in these pages by Mrs.Devorah Biser in June ’01.

HOW TO IMPROVEYOUR MARRIAGE

and attempt to implement it.But don’t be misled by the title; Dear

Son applies equally to husbands of allages. It is never too late to change evenyears of bad habits and improve one’smarriage. The book includes the storyof a doctor who once told RabbiGoldschmidt about the niflaos haBorei(Divine miracles) that are evidenced inthe amazing ability of the human liverto regenerate itself after an operation.Years later, this doctor came to RabbiGoldschmidt for advice about his rebel-lious son, and it came out that the obvi-ous cause of the son’s leaving home wasthe years of marital discord between thedoctor and his wife. “If you want yourson back, you have to fix your marriage,”said Rabbi Goldschmidt.

“But rabbi, the chance of love in ourmarriage is dead,” responded the doc-tor. “We’ve learned to live togetherafter a fashion… But love? Serenity?Harmony?”

Rabbi Goldschmidt reminded him oftheir conversation years earlier about theliver, and explained that a Jewish marriage“is also a regenerative organ. No matterhow badly it is damaged, it can be broughtback to life. That is how the Creator madeit. He blessed it with deep, inexhaustiblewellsprings of love and joy. If you digdown far enough, you will find them, andyour marriage will become once again likea rose in full bloom, fragrant and beau-tiful to behold.” The doctor listened, andsaved his marriage and his son.

Rabbi Goldschmidt explains:Every Friday night, we say “Lecha

dodi likras kalla. Let us go, mybeloved, to greet the bride.” We wel-come every Shabbos as a kalla, a bride,not a wife. Reb Tzaddok explains thatevery Shabbos must be viewed as arenewal of holiness, and it must begreeted with renewed feelings in ourhearts.

It is the same with marriage. Youmust always look at your wife as abride, and you must keep your feel-ings for her fresh and vigorous. Forthe rest of your life, you must con-tinue doing and saying things that will

revitalize your love – even when youwill both be in your nineties.4

Dear Son tells husbands just what“things” to do and say – and what notto – to keep our marriages in full bloom.

The First Year of Marriage, by RabbiAbraham J. Twerski, M.D. (MesorahPublications, Brooklyn, NY, 2004)

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., aprolific author who has given us manybooks filled with wisdom and practicaladvice for living, has just written The FirstYear of Marriage. Appropriately subti-tled “Enhancing the success of your mar-

riage right from the start—and evenbefore it begins,” this book belongs at thetop of the required reading list for allengaged and newly married couples.Rabbi Twerski says he wrote the bookbecause “young people are woefullyunprepared for marriage”; in manyfamilies, “more time is spent on thearrangements for the wedding, which willlast only a few hours, than for the cou-ple’s relationship, which should last a life-time.” The purpose of The First Year ofMarriage is to enable couples to under-stand most of the common sources ofmisunderstanding and potential conflictthat often arise during shana rishona, andto give them practical advice as to howto handle them.

Why do we need such a book, orindeed, any of the books and tapes

reviewed in this article? Rabbi Twerskiexplains that

[O]ne of the side effects of mod-ern life has been that patience andwillingness to work things out areoften in short supply. Technology haseroded our tolerance for endurance.Jet planes, fax machines, instantfoods and microwave ovens havehabituated us to want and expectresults immediately…. Science andtechnology have eliminated so manysources of discomfort that our pred-ecessors experienced that many peo-ple think there should be nodiscomfort in life, and if someone isuncomfortable, there must be a pillto relieve it.5

But the reality is that there will be dis-comfort in building a marital relation-ship, and couples who read this book willknow in advance not only that such prob-lems are normal and to be expected, butalso how to deal with them and growfrom them. The First Year of Marriageis a sort of road map and instructionmanual for shana rishona, a set ofdirections that points out in advance theobstacles, pitfalls, challenges, and oppor-tunities for growth that couples are like-ly to encounter as they enter married life.Based largely on Torah wisdom, andspiced with the author’s insights intohuman nature drawn from his psychi-atric training and years of counselingexperience, Rabbi Twerksi’s book shouldhelp many achieve a successful and har-monious shana rishona—which in turnwill establish the solid foundation for alifetime.

Rabbi Twerski starts by showing ushow many of a young couple’s precon-ceptions about what their married rela-tionship should be like or how theirhome should operate come from theirown upbringing, and this knowledgealone will help the young couple betteradapt to the differences they encounterin each other. He then deals with greatwisdom with such issues as how andwhen to criticize and how to react to crit-icism, dealing with low self-esteem, avoid-ing controlling behavior, anger, stress,mood changes, raising children, in-lawrelationships, and much, much more.

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4 Dear Son, p. 80

While this is an eclectic work, contain-ing both Chassidic stories and quotesfrom contemporary non-Jewishauthors, inspiring divrei Torah andpractical hands-on marriage counselingadvice, the message is always one that isfirmly grounded in a Torah hashkafa.

Interestingly, the book ends with a PartII—several chapters of advice for thoseentering second marriages. But if everynewly married couple were to followRabbi Twerski’s advice and read, and thenfrom time to time reread, Part I of TheFirst Year of Marriage, there would be

many fewer people who would ever needto read Part II.

What Did You Say? (Making YourselfUnderstood in Marriage), by RabbiSimcha Cohen (Simcha Cohen, 2000)

Good marriages are built upon goodmarital communication in particular.What information can we acquire thatwill give us the concrete, practicalknowledge to improve our daily inter-actions and avoid negativity anddestructive criticism? Rabbi Simcha

Cohen’s What Did You Say?: MakingYourself Understood in Marriage providesus with that knowledge. It is based onthe author’s Habayit Hayehudi, a bookwidely popular in Israel. Rabbi Cohen,an acclaimed lecturer and marriage coun-selor, delves deeply into classic Torahsources in every chapter, and then pres-ents the application of those timeless les-sons for married couples. Indeed, WhatDid You Say? is a fascinating combina-tion of gently presented but powerfulmussar together with down-to-earthadvice, drawn from the author’s manyyears of experience in counseling cou-ples.

Starting with sound advice for dat-ing and shidduchim, Rabbi Cohen then

takes us step-by-step through the chal-lenges and pitfalls of marital communi-cation. He shows us dramatically,through Torah sources and real-lifeexamples, why giving compliments issometimes so difficult and, yet, whybestowing the right type of complimentis so vital to a relationship. When andhow to criticize, understanding ourspouse’s needs, how to understand andtalk your spouse’s language, how to apol-ogize, and how and what to talk aboutare some of the many other topicsaddressed in this valuable book. As weread through the examples, we often cansee and hear ourselves, which helps openus up to the author’s advice as to howwe can, and should, change the way wecommunicate with our spouses.

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

5 The First Year of Marriage, pp. 18, 54

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Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage,by Dr. Meir Wikler (Mesorah Public-ations, Brooklyn, NY, 2003)

For a kollel couple approaching shanarishona in proper fashion, there shouldbe plenty of time for both husband andwife to work on building their relation-ship. For the rest of us, when do we doit? We can be inspired by Dear Son orDear Daughter, absorb the wealth ofknowledge contained in What Did YouSay? or any of the other Torah-basedguides to successful marriage, andresolve that we are going to change. Buthow, in the midst of our busy days andlives, can we actually change our normalroutine in such a way that we apply that

inspiration and that knowledge, put ourmarriage on a path toward improvement,and start transforming our relationshipwith our spouse for the better?

Dr. Meir Wikler’s Ten Minutes a DayTo a Better Marriage provides an answer.Drawing on his over 20 years of experi-ence as a family counselor, the advice ofhis colleagues, and the wisdom of theTorah, Dr. Wikler presents a simple butextraordinarily effective plan for helpingour marriages fulfill their great potential.

Dr. Wikler, in this well-thought-outand well-written book that uses actualcase histories from his practice to illus-trate his advice, begins by presenting the“ground rules” for all marital commu-nication. He explains how to express neg-ative feelings constructively, listen tonegative feelings non-defensively,express positive feelings properly, and lis-

35

T h e J e w i s h O b s e r v e r

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ten to positive feelings without awkward-ness. He then advances the seeminglysimple idea that no matter how busy yourdaily schedule, everyone can (and must)find ten minutes each day for a privateappointment with one’s spouse, devot-ed solely to genuine communication—for talking about something that mattersto you or listening to something that mat-ters to your spouse.

Many of our daily conversationswith our spouse in reality consist of lit-tle more than a discussion of plans,errands, instructions, relaying of mes-sages, and the like; this is not what Dr.Wikler means by communication. Thebulk of his book consists of describingin detail exactly what those 10 minutesof daily communication should, andshould not, consist of.

Dr. Wikler demonstrates with exam-ples from the dialogues of actual cou-ples how, following his 10-minute-a-dayplan and his guidelines for effectivespeaking and listening, husbands andwives can resolve even long-standing,deep-seated disputes and differences. Forexample, by seeing how Hadassah andMutty resolved their disagreement overwhere to go on vacation, and how Samand Nava worked out a solution to theirafter-shul plans for Shabbos mornings,we see not only that peaceful resolutionof disagreements is possible, but we alsolearn how to achieve it.

In addition to counseling us on theimportance of good communication withone’s spouse, Dr. Wikler’s book containschapters on constructive criticism, gain-ing control over one’s own anger anddealing with your spouse’s anger, howto shield children from marital conflict,

conflict resolution techniques that real-ly work, and building closeness and cre-ating emotional intimacy.

One of the things that strikes the read-er is how many of the arguments andmisunderstandings expressed by thecouples in Dr. Wikler’s case studies areabout seemingly “little things” that takeon major importance. But in truth, it isin dealing with all the seemingly smallthings that marital relationships caneither deteriorate or grow stronger.

Hadracha for the About-To-Be and Newly Married

As all those involved in counselingcouples urge, it is vital to provide newlyengaged couples with the Torah infor-mation and tools to help them start theirrelationship out properly and guide themthrough the opportunities and obstaclesof shana rishona.6 As Rabbi SimchaCohen writes:

In recent years, engaged couplestake lessons not only in the laws offamily purity, but also in the art ofliving together harmoniously. This isa very welcome development. Asexperienced marriage counselorscan testify, practically all problemsthat arise in married life are ultimate-ly caused not by the couple’s differ-ences in character, but by theirinability to deal with these differences.Each partner should learn as muchas possible about building maritalharmony beforehand, rather thanlearning it the hard way afterwards.Whether through courses, seminars,books by Torah scholars, or tapes of

their lectures, men and women canlearn much about how to communi-cate with their spouses. . . .

Imagine that a conflict arisesbetween a newly married couple.Because of their premarital study,they . . . recognize the underlyingproblem, and realize it is the sort ofthing liable to happen in any mar-riage. As a result, they can sit downtogether calmly and try to work outthe difficulty.7

Yet, realistically, in the hectic but excit-ing days between the lechayim and thechassuna, what chassan or kalla is goingto read one, or several, books on shalombayis? How, then, do we reach our chas-sanim and kallos, and help them buildtheir bayis ne’eman right from thestart?

In this author’s humble opinion, avehicle already exists to help teachchassanim and kallos about shalombayis: chassan and kalla classes. Everychassan and every kalla in our commu-nity attends a number of sessions—usu-ally individually with a privateinstructor—for instruction in taharashamishpacha and other halachic aspectsof married life. If those teaching themwere to add on to each session the essen-tial basics for success in shalom bayis, theyoung couple would begin married lifewith at least an understanding of theissues they are likely to confront.8 A num-ber of American yeshivos, includingLakewood, are now providing chassan-im with a series of shiurim on this aspectof marriage, in recognition of the factthat the standard one-time chassanshmues by the Mashgiach is no longer suf-ficient.9 We would be well advised to urge

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

6 As discussed previously in these pages in “ShalomBayis: The Need for Formal Hadracha,” Summer’017 What Did You Say?, pp. 63-648 For example, I was told by someone prominentin our community that he still remembers RabbiLabel Katz (author of Ohel Aryei, a sefer on hil-chos nidda for chassanim) telling them that theyshould expect their wives to be late for almostevery chassuna they would attend throughout theirmarried life. Rather than express annoyance, RabbiKatz told them, they should remember each timethat she is delayed by dressing up and putting onmake-up to look good for you. This individual

told me that he has remembered this advice everytime he and his wife have been running late fora chassuna, and it has saved him from gettingannoyed literally hundreds of times over the pastthirty years.9 For this purpose, I have prepared, under the guid-ance of Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern, a brief out-line for chassan teachers in English, based largelyon the kuntreisim for chassanim of RabbiShlomo Wolbe and Rabbi Chaim Friedlander.Complete with sources and anecdotes, it presentsthe basics for shalom bayis in five sessions. Chassanteachers interested in obtaining this outline shouldcontact me directly at 212-797-9000.

10 Imagine the impact if Roshei Yeshiva and rab-banim, as a condition of agreeing to serve asmesadeir kiddushin, were to insist that the cou-ple receive instruction in shalom bayis.11 Nevertheless, I strongly recommend thatengaged bachurim in yeshiva at least make an effortto learn Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s Myntul hcrdh yrmam

and/or Rabbi Chaim Friedlander’s Mvls yc tidyv

Clha . Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern (952-314-4116or cfmorgen@mosesnet.net) can direct callers asto how to obtain these kuntreisim (pamphlets).12 The tapes can be obtained directly from RabbiMorgenstern at the number listed in the previ-ous footnote.

every yeshiva, seminary, and chassan andkalla teacher to take immediate steps toinclude education for shalom bayis in theinformation they impart to chassanimand kallos.10

But until shalom bayis educationbecomes the norm rather than theexception for soon-to-be married couples,what should be done? While by no meansthe equivalent of personal instruction,there are now tapes available that everychassan and kalla should acquire and hear.They may not have the time to read somebooks or learn a sefer,11 but they proba-bly will have time when driving orwalking to listen, for example, to RabbiChaim Morgenstern’s excellent set of tapeson the subject. Rabbi Morgenstern, whoreceived his hadracha in shalom bayistraining and marriage counseling fromRabbi Moshe Aaron Stern, has packed intoeight shiurim for chassanim and anequivalent set for kallos the essential wis-dom and advice of Chazal and our gedolimon building a Torah marriage.12 This isthe ideal engagement gift, because by giv-ing these tapes you are giving the couplethe knowledge and the tools that they needfor a lifetime of marital harmony. Basedon divrei Chazal and the writings of recentTorah authorities, these lectures, spicedwith real anecdotes to illustrate theirpoints, cover the gamut of married life,including the responsibilities of a success-ful husband and wife, strengthening themarital bond, causes and prevention ofanger, and do’s and don’ts when disagree-ments arise. A major advantage to thesetapes is that there are different tapes forthe chassan and the kalla; since there areprofound differences between men andwomen and in their obligations in mar-riage, the best hadracha must present dif-ferent messages to each one. The tapesshould ideally be listened to before thechassuna, again during shana rishona, andthereafter from time to time.We need con-stantly to remind ourselves, even years aftershana rishona, of the wisdom containedtherein.

Another tape series was just recent-ly developed under the guidance of Rabbi

Yakov Horowitz, menahel of YeshivaDarchei Noam in Monsey, and ProgramDirector of Agudath Israel’s ProjectY.E.S.13 Rabbi Horowitz’s experience intrying to help at-risk teens, many ofwhom come from homes lacking inproper shalom bayis, inspired him to pro-duce this series of lectures, which weredelivered in Flatbush last spring. Thiswell-thought-out series of talks fromprominent experts (including rabbanim,a marriage counselor, a time manage-ment trainer, and a financial planner) intheir respective fields will do much to

educate the couple embarking on thechallenge of building a Torah home. Itincludes a beautiful explanation of theTorah perspective on marriage, adviceon setting goals and establishing Torahvalues for your home, an introductionto the basic principles of time manage-ment (to help enable us to spend moretime on what is really important in ourlives, such as our spouses and children),guidance in the areas of marital commu-nication and relationship building (Dr.Shlomo Schuck’s “Ten Rules forCommunication in Marriage” are excel-

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T h e J e w i s h O b s e r v e r

13 These tapes, entitled the “Zichron Akiva BayisNe’eman Seminar,”can be obtained by calling 845-426-2243 or e-mailing bayisn@rabbihorowitz .com.

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lent guidelines for every couple), anddirection for developing a financialplan for your family. The Bayis Ne’emanSeminar, in short, consists of practical,hands-on advice for couples in thoseareas of life that are key ingredients inbuilding a relationship and a family. Ofcourse, no books or tapes can or should everbe a substitute for a Rav or Rebbe, whomevery couple needs, and to whom theyshould turn for guidance on these matters.

After the Chassuna

Those involved in preparing about-to-be-married couples for shalom bayisissues agree that, regardless of what infor-mation they manage to impart prior tothe chassuna, the main hadracha ideal-ly should take place during shana rishona.Issues and problems that were only the-oretical before the chuppa suddenlybecome real, and it is then that the cou-ple needs the greatest guidance. Shanarishona is the best time for both husbandand wife to continue to receive hadracha

from a mentor, and set aside time to lis-ten to some of the tapes and read someof the books discussed in this article.

But the hadracha shouldn’t stopwith the end of shana rishona. Peoplechange as they go through life, and asnew challenges arise within each fami-ly, couples need some form of ongoinghadracha, or at least an occasional“tune-up.” One way to help ensure thathusbands in particular get this guidanceis to combine shalom bayis classes withreview shiurim on Hilchos Nidda—a con-cept that is already being implementedin a number of shuls.

The Shalom Bayis Vaad

For the genuinely ambitious, yetanother step could be attending amonthly “vaad” on the topic. The con-

cept is that a group gets together aboutonce a month and hears a presentationon a particular aspect that could usestrengthening in a marital relationship,and then works daily on implementingthe lesson learned for the next few weeks.The idea is that “hergel naaseh teva”—we become habituated to proper hanha-gos and thus make them a part of ourdaily lives.14

Shalom bayis, good marital commu-nication, and a closer marital relation-ship do not come by themselves. Theytake much siyata diShamaya and serioushishtadlus. All married couples shouldresolve to set aside quality time on a fair-ly regular basis to work on improvingtheir marriage and their shalom bayis;the books and tapes mentioned in thisarticle are a good place to start. d

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M a r c h 2 0 0 5

KARKA IN ERETZ YISROEL

011-972-2-656-9427

Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for informationon obtaining cemetery plots in Beth

Shemesh and other locations in Israel.

14 Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern has prepared a tapeseries of 12 vaadim for husbands and a correspon-ding set for wives; potential vaad leaders inter-ested in starting a vaad in their community shouldcontact him (see footnote 11 above) for more infor-mation.

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T h e J e w i s h O b s e r v e r

Through a Glass, With Awe

T here I was in front of a fish tankonce again. My family was tanksahead of me, but I couldn’t

move. One would think I had seen quiteenough fish already since I grew up acrossthe street from the New York Aquarium.Whenever we go traveling, however, myeyes are drawn to the signs andbrochures advertising aquariums. Thistime we were visiting the one inChattanooga, Tennessee, and I was mes-merized as I watched the fish dance andfly. It might be because it brings backchildhood memories. That’s true. It’smostly, though, because I’ve discoveredan aspect about fish that I never realizedbefore.

When I peer into a fish tank, I peerinto a hidden world. In their natural habi-tat, fish are usually out of sight; they’reunderwater, hidden below eye level.Hashem created an entire breathtakingunderwater world. Much of what weknow about it today remained unknownuntil the late 1800s. Until man decidedto dive and delve, this hidden world wasleft unseen.

And what a magnificent hiddenworld it is! The colors. The grace. Thebeauty. Just by looking at the shininglights of the bioluminescent fish, the mag-ical camouflaging of the flounder, andthe deep colors of the Atlantic blue tang,one gets a tiny taste of underwatergrandeur.

Not only can we not see fish in theirgrand natural habitat, we cannot hearthem, either. Fish are silent. Most crea-tures make some sort of sound. Lionsroar, mosquitoes buzz, kookaburrascackle. Fish cannot speak, and yet theyshout. They shout Hashem’s majesty.They capture our attention, not by theirdin, but by their detail. The quiet way atriggerfish uses its second spine to lockits first spine into its upright position andsecure itself in a cave’s crevice screamsHashem’s endless and intricate wisdom.When the forceps fish’s false eyespot tricksits predator, and the anglerfish’s false baithelps it attract and capture its meals, onecannot help but be in awe of Hashem’sgreatness.

What does all this greatness that’s hid-den and silent mean to us noisy humanson dry ground? What difference does itmake if fish are easy to view or impos-sible to hear? To me it means that whatis hidden has the potential to be exquis-itely beautiful. From hidden and silentbeauty can exude deep praises to

Hashem, and even, as we see in Purim,the seeds of geula.

The Secretive Path to the Geula

The Purim geula came throughEsther, whose very name has the wordseiser, secret, as its root. Esther, Hashem’sinstrument to bring the geula, had thequalities of silence and hiddeness, ormodesty. As Mordechai instructed her,she revealed to no one the name of hernation. The Midrash Rabba relates thatshe did so in reverence to Mordechai, aswell as because of her innate modesty.

The Yalkut Me’am Loez says thatEsther was always modest; she hardlyappeared in public where men were pres-ent. Mordechai hid Esther whenAchashveirosh decreed that all girlsmust go to Heigei, the king’s chamber-lain, so that the king could eventuallychoose a new queen. Mordechai onlytook Esther out of hiding whenAchashveirosh said anyone hiding fromhim would be killed. Mordechai advisedEsther to mingle with the other womenso she would not stand out.

Even once Esther was queen, she kepther modest ways. Rav Galico tells us thatthe reason she did not know about thedecree to destroy the Jews until

MMrrss.. BBaacchhrraacchh is a freelance writer

whose poetry has previously appeared in

The Jewish Observer. She and her family

live in Atlanta, GA.

Adar through a Fish Tank

Gavriella Bachrach

Mordechai appeared in sackcloth andtold her was because she was modest andprivate. It was because of her modestyand quiet ways that she was able to pri-vately keep mitzvos in Achashveirosh’spalace without arousing suspicion. Sherequested a vegetarian diet so that shewould be able to keep kosher. She alsohad a different maid for each day of theweek, so that she would know which daywas Shabbos. Esther’s quiet and hiddenways praised Hashem, and it wasthrough silent and modest Esther thatthe salvation came.

The Silent Shout

Perhaps we can now use this insightabout fish being silent and hidden andEsther being silent and hidden to under-stand one reason why Adar’s mazal is fish.

All of us have times when we are outof the public’s eye or out of its range ofhearing, times when we are hidden fromsight and sound and are “below water.”Our actions and interactions at thosetimes have the potential of being not justgood, but magnificent. Esther’s “belowwater” actions were grand. Can ours be,too?

No one sees how we act at home whenwe’re tired or under pressure and stress.No one hears how we greet or speak toour family members. It is when we areunderground and out of the public’sattention that we need to remember thatwe have the opportunity to create a beau-tiful world.

Without sound and in a privateplace, fish are able to proclaim Hashem’sexistence in their splendid display ofcolor, camouflages and intricacies.Through her silent and hidden ways,Esther praised Hashem. From our pri-vate homes and quiet interpersonal rela-tionships, our shouting of Hashem’s glorycan resound and resonate. It may evenhelp bring our geula.

Looking through those tanks at themesmerizing, hidden and silent fish,whether in Chattanooga or New York,I get a reminder of the power we all haveto make a difference when no one iswatching or listening. d

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ON WITH THE DAF,THANKS TO TECHNOLOGY

To the Editor:I enjoyed your recent issue about Daf

Yomi and the Siyum HaShas (Feb ’05).But you didn’t deal with how moderntechnology has made Daf Yomi availableto so many people. People like me. In theearly 1990s, I gave Dial-a-Daf a try. Andit was perfect for me. The Maggidei shiurwere thorough. And there was no excusenot to do it, because all I needed was atelephone.

At first, only that day’s shuir was avail-able, and it started exactly on the hour.It was difficult to keep up if I needed totravel or when there was a three day YomTov. But eventually the system wasautomated, so I could access any daf inShas, and start at any time. The onlydrawback was that it tied up the phonefor an hour.

When the eleventh cycle of Daf Yomibegan, CD-Daf was introduced. Onemesechta, or more for the smaller mesech-tos, on a CD-Rom. The same shiurim ason Dial-a-Daf, with tzuras hadaf on thescreen. I could start anywhere, at any time.And any place where a passuk is quoted,I only have to click, and the entire pas-suk is displayed.And the Rashi on the pas-suk is available on the screen. In fact theTur, Shulchan Aruch, and Mishna Torahare also available, with just a click. Somemesechtos, such as Sukka, also have illus-trations available. It’s portable, especial-ly for someone with a laptop computer.No, it does not require using the Internet.And it comes with a calendar, so I alwaysknow what today’s daf is.

Thanks to technology, many peoplelike me are doing Daf Yomi. I oncethought that Daf Yomi was beyond me,but now I’m looking forward to start-ing the next cycle.

SHMUEL LEBOVITZ

Brooklyn, NY

NOTABLE OMISSION IN MARKING THE SIYUM

To the Editor:In your edition of October ’97 you fea-

tured an article on “An Unsung Hero,Rabbi Moshe Menachem Mendel Spivakl”xz d”yh,”originator of the Daf Yomi con-cept. Does he not deserve to be men-tioned in connection with theforthcoming Siyum HaShas? “Ha’omerdavar beshem omro meivi ge’ula la’olam– attributing a thought to its originatorbrings redemption to the world.”

SHLOMO HAKOHEN KATZENSTEIN

Antwerp, Belgium

CARRYING THE SHASIN HIS LEFT POCKET

To the Editor:I finally joined the legion of daf yomi

learners when my wife recently boughtme an iPod. The deal was – learn the dafevery day for at least a year, and the iPodis mine to keep! It’s loaded with the entireShas as heard on the Dial-a-Daf tele-phone. It goes with me almost every-where. I call it my Daf Yom-iPod.

YAAKOV KOHN

Brooklyn, NY

CELL PHONES: INVASIVE OF PRIVATE TIME ON THE STREET

To the Editor:I believe that Rabbi Pinchos Jung’s

article, “Cell Phone: Friend or Foe,” inthe Cheshvan issue, was very much tothe point.

I would add to Rabbi Jung’s exam-ples one scenario that I have seen often:a mother is walking down the streetwith her children, and she is speakingon the cell phone. At that moment, herchildren are orphans. They are beingdeprived of one of the preciousmoments of childhood, the opportu-nity to be completely enveloped in theirmother’s love and attention. Outside ofemergencies, there is no excuse for amother to waste this precious time withher children. I can’t help but think that

some day in the future, when thatmother is in need of her children’sattention, she will be in great dangerof receiving a busy signal.

YISROEL NEUBERGER

Lawrence, NY

EVEN WORSE THAN THE CELL PHONE

To the Editor:Once again, Rabbi Pinchos Jung has

picked on the cell phone (Nov. ’04), andeven asked the JO readership to join ina campaign to free our shuls from this“scandalous desecration.”A very worthyissue – but why not a campaign to ridour shuls of the yesod of scandalous des-ecration – i.e, just plain talking duringChazaras Hashatz, one that the ShulchanAruch states “gadol avono mi’ne’so (tooweighty a transgression to bear)”? – ortalking during laining, which accordingto many is an issur d’Orisa (violation ofTorah law)? – or just plain talking in shul,which the Mishna Berura tells us is thereason why so many shuls have beendestroyed? Have we forgotten the ikar(primary concern) just to stress what ispossibly just a tafel (secondary one)? Ifwe conquer first things first, this secondissue, I believe, will just fall by the way-side.

RABBI YAKOV PRESSMAN

Brooklyn, NY

A TELLING POINT IN AN HISTORIC ANECDOTE

To the Editor:Dr. Bernard Fryshman’s article,

“Building Torah Together...From Afar”(JO, Nov.‘04), began with the well-knownstory of how the Chofetz Chaim advisedRabbi Elchonon Wasserman to remainin Radin rather than disrupt his learn-ing to attend his son’s bris milla. As inmost retellings of stories, an importantpoint was omitted. Rabbi Moshe Shapiroa”jyls mentioned in a recent talk that theChofetz Chaim’s eitza (counsel) was con-ditional: Reb Elchonon was to first con-tact his wife and obtain her consent. Ifnot, his place would be by her side.

YISRAEL RUTMAN

Zichron Yaakov

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