American Family

• Verbal• using words to communicate how we feel.

• Non-verbal• using facial expressions, body language, tone of voice,

and gestures to communicate how we feel.

The more

consistency there

is between these

three elements,

the more

believable you

are.

Which Style are You?Discovering Your Communication Style

Complete the quiz,but do not answer the questions

after you figure your score.

1. Passive2. Aggressive3. Assertive

• Assertiveness is believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Assertiveness is standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.• The most effective and healthiest form of communication,

but used the least!

• Communication without games and manipulation.• We work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions.• Communicate our needs clearly.• We care about the relationship.• We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them

just because someone else wants or needs something from us.

• Aggressive is: When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s.

• Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger).

• We simply want our needs met - and right now!

• Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship.

• Passive can be defined as when I take the other person’s rights into account and NOT my own.• Compliance• Avoid confrontation

• In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat.

• Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.

• Let’s role play the three styles of communication.

• Groups of 3

• Each group will be given a phrase. Each student in the group will act out the phrase using one of the styles of communication. Each group will demonstrate all three styles of communication for their phrase.

Which Style are You?Discovering Your Communication Style

NOW COMPLETE THE QUESTIONS AT THE END

ListeningListeningListeningListening

Skills and BlocksSkills and Blocks

Listening Skills

• Stop Talking and Listen

• Help the other person feel free to speak—look like you are interested in what he has to say.

Listening Skills

• Go to an appropriate environment to talk…Not in the middle of a noisy gym.

• Remove all distractions such as the phone,TV or radio.

Listening Skills• Let the person finish what they are

saying before you begin to talk—do not finish sentences for them.

• Do not offer advice unless it is asked for.

Listening Skills• Ask questions to the person. This

shows that you have been listening and are interested in what is being said.

• Ask questions that cannot be answered with one word?– Open ended- Avoid Yes/No

Listening Skills• Listen with appropriate body

language—Nods, hand gestures, etc.

• Don’t yawn or lean back—act as if you are interested.

Effective Listening• Be honest and sincere, but not

critical and sarcastic.

• Remember, people react to what is said as follows– 55% to facial expression– 38% to tone of voice– 7% to words

Listening Skills

• Sit or stand near the person to whom you are speaking.

• Maintain Eye Contact

Listening Skills• Give Appropriate Feedback

– Reflective Listening

Listening Blocks

• I must defend my position

I’m looking for an Entrance-

• Don’t be more concerned with what you have to say than what is being said.

I don’t have time to listen to you

• If the current time is not convenient, simply tell the other person that another time would be better, that you are busy right now

I already know what you have to say.

• You don’t know what another person is going to say until they have said it. Listen!

I know what you should do…

• Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.

Destructive and Constructive Destructive and Constructive CommunicationCommunication

American FamilyAmerican Family

““Sticks and stones will Sticks and stones will break my bones, but break my bones, but words will never hurt words will never hurt

me.”me.”

Words, tone of voice Words, tone of voice and body language.and body language.

MotivatorMotivator

A hammer represents communication and there are 4 parts.

Brainstorm ideas for labeling the four parts of the hammer of communication.

Hammer of CommunicationHammer of Communication

THE HEAD IS LIKE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION.

It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together.

THE CLAW IS LIKE DESTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION.

It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and tear down relationships.

THE SHANK IS LIKE NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION:

It is strong and can be used to support construction or destruction.

THE HANDLE OF THE HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT IS THE DRIVING FORCE.

We are in control of our communication and choose to use it in a constructive or destructive manner.

Destructive CommunicationDestructive Communication

1.1. BlamingBlaming

2.2. InterruptingInterrupting

3.3. Endless Fighting-don’t bring up old issuesEndless Fighting-don’t bring up old issues

4.4. Character Assassination-no name callingCharacter Assassination-no name calling

5.5. Calling in Reinforcements-don’t bring Calling in Reinforcements-don’t bring other people into the argumentother people into the argument

6.6. Withdrawal-Withdrawal-communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, and/or anger

7.7. Need to be RightNeed to be Right

Video ClipVideo Clip

The Little Mermaid

Constructive CommunicationConstructive Communication

1.1. ““I” MessagesI” Messages

2.2. ClarityClarity

3.3. TimingTiming

4.4. Asking QuestionsAsking Questions

5.5. Reflective ListeningReflective Listening

6.6. Respect and ConsiderationRespect and Consideration

7.7. Avoiding Intense AngerAvoiding Intense Anger

““I” MessagesI” Messages To solve conflicts it is important to be able to express feelings

without attacking the other person. “I” messages allow you to say how you feel in a positive way. An “I” message has four parts:

1. I feel… (state the feeling)

2. When you… (state the other person’s behavior)

3. Because… (state the effect)

4. I need… (state what you want to happen)

Situation: You come home and discover that your sister has hacked into your email account.

Response: “It makes me mad when you open my mail. I feel like my privacy has been invaded and that you have no respect for me. Please don’t do that again.”

ClarityClarity – Meaning what you say and – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. then saying what you mean.

TimingTiming – Select a good time to do your – Select a good time to do your important communicating. important communicating.

Asking QuestionsAsking Questions – People seldom say – People seldom say what they really mean the first time.what they really mean the first time.- "Why do you think that Mr. Jones doesn't like you?""Why do you think that Mr. Jones doesn't like you?"- "What did Mr. Jones say to you?""What did Mr. Jones say to you?"- "Where were you when your friends left you?""Where were you when your friends left you?"

Reflective ListeningReflective Listening – listener mirrors – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.clarify.- Are you saying?Are you saying?- You seem to be saying?You seem to be saying?

Respect and Consideration – One sure Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view.the other person’s point of view.

Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become too emotional to we become too emotional to communicate effectively. communicate effectively.

ShoutingShouting Name CallingName Calling Physical expressionPhysical expression

RoadblocksRoadblocks

Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.

1.1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.

““You” message:You” message: “You shouldn’t ever “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.”interrupt someone when he is reading.”

““I” message:I” message: ______________________ ______________________

2.2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry.hurry.

““You” message:You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “You’re being naughty.”

““I” message:______________________I” message:______________________

Conflict Resolution

Positive and Negative Techniques

Conflict

Make a list of words that you associate with conflict?

Which words are positive?

Which words are negative?

Changing Our Attitudes

We need to have a new association list:

Healthy Conflict Resolution

Definition of Conflict:– It is an emotional state– in a relationship– with disagreements, misperceptions,

miscommunication about needs, drives, wishes, demands, incompatible goals, scarce resources, interference from others.

– It arises when change is needed in one or more parties in order for the relationship to continue.

Conflicts

Conflicts are often a result of perception.

How many F’s?

How many passes did the white team make?

Communication and Relationships

Confrontation in Conflict – It’s about FEAR!– Fear of change in relationship drives most

confrontation.– We often wait until the pain drives the

confrontation.– Talk to the person while your motivation is

to improve the relationship.

Activity…

I need two volunteers.

Top TenQuick and Easy Ways to Solve Conflicts

10. Flip a coin 9. Own Up 8. Skip It 7. Deal with it later 6. Give a little, get a little 5. You’re probably right, but… 4. Split the difference 3. Lose like a winner 2. Leave them laughing 1. SAY YOU’RE SORRY!

It’s best to have a WIN-WIN outcome!

CompetitionI win – You lose

CollaborationI WIN – YOU WIN

AccommodationI Lose – You Win

CompromiseI give a little – You get a little

AvoidanceI lose – You lose

HighAggressive

LowAggressive

LowCooperation

HighCooperation

Concern for Others

Concernforself

Learning to Resolve Conflict

S.O.D.A.S.

–Situation

–Options

–Disadvantages

–Advantages

–Solution

Look at ADVANTAGES first!

Let’s Solve a Conflict

You want to go to the movie this weekend with your friends, but you are suppose to be babysitting your little brother.

• S

• O

• D

• A

• S

Conclusion

Complete the SODAS activity.