assertiveness & confidence building with young people

Vanessa Rogers

To identify personal patterns of behaviour and responses to others

To consider the difference between assertive, passive & aggressive

To explore giving and receiving criticism: developing feedback skills

To increase confidence in coping with challenging situations

What is ‘assertive',' aggressive’ and ‘passive’ behaviour?

Give in and say ‘yes’ even when they don’t want to

Put the feelings and concerns of others before their own

Keep their concerns to themselves  Go along with the crowd even if they know

it is wrong

Think of themselves first, at the expense of others

Dominate others Use threats or force Don’t respect personal space Get what they want, regardless of the cost

Stand up for their rights without denying

other people theirs Respect themselves as well as others Ask for what they want in a straightforward

manner Express their emotions (both positive and

negative) in a healthy manner

CAN look like CAN sound like

Slapping or hitting Red faced Pointing fingers Body tense Fists clench Closed body language No consideration of

others

Shouting Yelling Angry voice Name calling Threatening Sarcastic comments Mocking or belittling

CAN look like CAN sound like

Shy Hiding face Smiling when you

don’t mean it Nodding Doing things you

know are wrong

Quiet voice Not saying what you

really think or believe in

Not sticking up for yourself

Apologetic

CAN look like CAN sound like

Direct and honest communication

In control Diplomatic Open body language Confident

Saying what you think, respectfully

Calm voice Firm Direct Gets the point across

The ability to; Express your opinion and feelings. Say “no” without feeling guilty. Set your own priorities. Ask for what you want. Take reasonable risks.

‘Being assertive is the art of getting understood by others by being neither aggressive nor passive, but by stating your needs clearly and effectively whilst respecting others right to the same.’

Passive behaviour – I lose, you win

Aggressive behaviour – you lose, I win

Assertive behaviour – I win, you win

Iceberg Model

What are your triggers?

How do you feel?

How do you behave?

TRIGGERS

FEELINGS AFTERWARDS

THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS

FEELINGS

THOUGHTSBEHAVIOUR

What affects the result is our response

REACTIVE Most common form

of aggression Loss of control and

emotional flooding Appears

disorganised, impulsive & loud

PROACTIVE Appears in control

and deliberate Goal orientated Can appear

impassive or even smiling & smirking

Situational External stressful events

Maturational Stress produced from

progression through developmental stages

In small groups draw a gingerbread person

On the inside write down all the maturational stress that a young person might be experiencing

On the outside, all that which might be described as ‘situational’

Why did this happen today, but not yesterday?

Is this typical behaviour for this young person?

Is the young person expressing a need? Is this normal for a young person of this

age? Does this reflect a family or cultural belief?

What am I feeling? What does the young person

feel/need/want? How is the environment affecting the young

person How do I respond?

Avoid conflict – simply withdraw from the situation Smooth it over – pretend there is no conflict and everything is OK Win at all costs – Get what you want; the other person loses Compromise – give up something you want to get something else you want Win / win negotiation – use creative problem solving to give both people what they want or need

Are there some areas that you are more comfortable being assertive in than others?

  Consider areas that you feel most assertive

in and areas where you feel least.

Face the other person.

Listen carefully to what they say.

Have a pleasant facial expression.

Keep your voice calm and pleasant.

Make sure that your body language supports what you are saying

7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the words that are spoken.

38% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).

55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in facial expression.

Professor Albert Mehrabian (1981) Silent messages: Implicit communication of emotions and attitudes

This approach is particularly useful in:

Situations where you feel your rights are being ignored

Coping with clever, articulate people. Situations where you may lose self-

confidence if you give in

Work out what you want to say and rehearse it. Repeat your reply, using exactly the same words,

over and over again and stick to what you have decided.

Keep repeating your point, using a calm, pleasant voice.

Don't be put off by clever arguments or by what the other person says.

Don't be pulled into an argument or having to explain your decision.

There is nothing that can defeat this tactic.

“I feel / felt.........when........because..............”

Say: 'I feel upset when you interrupt me because I can't finish what I am saying.'

Instead of: 'You're always interrupting me!'

Be straightforward and honest so that you can make your point effectively

Don't feel you have to say 'sorry' or give elaborate reasons for saying "No”

Offer a compromise if you want to It is better in the long run to be honest

rather than feel resentment for not being able to say "No"

Example 1. Say: "Will you please . . . .?" Instead of

"Would you mind . . . . ?”Example 2. Say: "I won't be able to...."instead of 'I'm

not sure if I can...." Example 3. Say: "I've decided not to…” instead of 'I

don't think I can...."

In three’s practice assertiveness techniques Observer to note technique used and

effectiveness

Individual to fit the specific person and situation

Focused on the behavior or action you are concerned with, not on the person or their personality;

Delivered as soon as possible after the positive or negative action and before the next performance.

What is the difference between ‘feedback’ and ‘criticism’

Assume positive intent Listen and make sure you understand

Don’t take it personally or overeact Acknowledge and apologise Clarify and specify Set boundaries

VALID criticism - criticism which we know is true

INVALID criticism - criticism which we know is not true (one mistake doesn’t mean we are incompetent!)

PUT-DOWNS - a word, phrase, look or gesture that feels like a blow.

Tips to use criticism assertively

Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.

Don't take it to heart.

React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.

See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned.

Make intermittent eye contact

Make sure you’ve been heard

Use "I" statements to express your feelings or make a request

Don't "yes, but" them