brain on fire by susannah cahalan
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7/29/2019 Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan
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7/29/2019 Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan
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7/29/2019 Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan
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PREFACE
At rst, theres just darkness and silence.
Are my eyes open? Hello?
I cant tell i Im moving my mouth or i theres even anyone to
ask. Its too dark to see. I blink once, twice, three times. There is
a dull oreboding in the pit o my stomach. That, I recognize. My
thoughts translate only slowly into language, as i emerging rom a
pot o molasses. Word by word the questions come: Where am I?
Why does my scalp itch? Where is everyone? Then the world around
me comes gradually into view, beginning as a pinhole, its diameter
steadily expanding. Objects emerge rom the murk and sharpen into
ocus. Ater a moment I recognize them: TV, curtain, bed.I know immediately that I need to get out o here. I lurch or-
ward, but something snaps against me. My ngers nd a thick
mesh vest at my waist holding me to the bed like awhats the
word?straitjacket. The vest connects to two cold metal side
rails. I wrap my hands around the rails and pull up, but again the
straps dig into my chest, yielding only a ew inches. Theres an
unopened window to my right that looks onto a street. Cars, yel-low cars. Taxis. I am in New York. Home.
Beore the relie nishes washing over me, though, I see her.
The purple lady. She is staring at me.
Help! I shout. Her expression never changes, as i I hadnt
said a thing. I shove mysel against the straps again.
Dont you go doing that, she croons in a amiliar Jamaican
accent.
Sybil? But it couldnt be. Sybil was my childhood babysit-
ter. I havent seen her since I was a child. Why would she choose
today to reenter my lie? Sybil? Where am I?
The hospital. You better calm down. Its not Sybil.
It hurts.
The purple lady moves closer, her breasts brushing against my
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x i i P R EFA C E
ace as she bends across me to unhook the restraints, starting on
the right and moving to the let. With my arms ree, I instinctu-ally raise my right hand to scratch my head. But instead o hair
and scalp, I nd a cotton hat. I rip it o, suddenly angry, and raise
both hands to inspect my head urther. I eel rows and rows o
plastic wires. I pluck one outwhich makes my scalp stingand
lower it to eye level; its pink. On my wrist is an orange plastic
band. I squint, unable to ocus on the words, but ater a ew sec-
onds, the block letters sharpen: FLIGHT RISK.
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BRAIN ON FIRE
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P A R T O N E
C R A Z Y
I have elt that odd whirr o wings in the head.
Virginia Woolf, A Writers Diary:
Being Extracts rom the Diary o Virginia Wool
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3
C H A P T E R 1
B E D B U G B L U E S
Mybe t be wth bu bte, m bedbu tht ddt
exst.
Oe m, Id wke up t d tw ed dts the m
pupsh-bue ve u dw my et m. It ws ey 2009,
d New Yk Cty ws wsh bedbu sces: they ested
ces, cth stes, mve thetes, d pk beches. Thuh
I wst tuy we, my dems hd bee ccuped
tw hts stht by e- bedbus. It ws esbe
cce, thuh te ceuy scu the ptmet, I cudt
d se bu y evdece the pesece. Except thse
tw btes. I eve ced extemt t check ut my pt-
met, vewked Hspc m wh cmbed the whe pce,
t up my s bed d sh shht t pces I hd
eve bee thuht t ce. He pcmed my stud bu ee.
Tht seemed ukey, s I sked w-up pptmet hm t spy. T hs cedt, he ued me t wt bee she
ut stmc sum t d btte st wht he seemed t
thk ws my estt. But I pessed hm t d t,
cvced tht my ptmet, my bed, my body hd bee veu
by bus. He eed t etu d extemte.
Cceed s I ws, I ted t cce my w uese m
my cwkes. Udestdby, e wted t be ssctedwth pes wth bedbu pbem. S t wk the w
dy, I wked s chty s pssbe thuh the ewsm
the New York Post t my cubce. I ws ceu t cce
my btes d ted t ppe csu, m. Nt tht m
mes t t the Post.
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4 B R A I N O N F I R E
Thuh ts tusy bsessed wth whts ew, the Posts
ey s d s the t tse. Estbshed by Aexde Hm-t 1801, t s the est ctuy u ewsppe the
cuty. I ts st cetuy e, the ppe cusded the b-
t mvemet d heped pmte the cet Cet Pk.
Tdy the ewsm tse s cveus yet ess, ed wth
ws pe cubces d ut cbets pcked wth
decdes uused, tte dcumets. The ws e ecked
wth ccks tht dt u, ded wes hu upsde dw tdy, pctue mkey d bde ce, d b m
Sx Fs e, memb m eptes ssmets. The
PCs e cet, the cpy mches the sze sm pes. A
sm utty cset tht ce seved s smk m w hds
suppes, d s mked by wetheed s w tht the
smk m e exsts, s smee mht ccdety
wde cette m the mts d vde equp-
met. Ths hs bee my eccetc tte wd the pst seve
yes, sce I stted hee s sevetee-ye-d te.
Especy ud dede, the m buzzes wth ctvty
keybds cck, edts ye, eptes cckthe pe-
ect steetype tbd ewsm.
hees the uck pctue t wth ths cpt?
Hw s t tht he ddt kw she ws psttute?
ht c wee the scks the uy wh jumped thebde?
Its ke b wthut ch, ed wth dee-sked
ews jukes. The cst chctes hee s uque t the Post:
the bhtest hede wtes the busess, the hdeed ews-
huds hut te excusves, d type-A wkhcs wh
pssess the chmee bty t ethe beed tze
mst ye. St, mst dys, the ewsm s subdued,s eveye sety cmbs thuh cut dcumets, tevews
suces, eds ewsppes. Ote, ke tdy, the ewsm s
s quet s mue.
Hed twd my desk t stt the dy, I wve thuh the
ws cubces mked by ee Mhtt steet ss: Lbety
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B ED B U G B LU ES 5
Steet, Nssu Steet, Pe Steet, d m Steet, thwbcks
t tme whe the Post ws ctuy ked by thse dw-tw steets ts pevus hme t the Suth Steet Sept. My
desk s t Pe Steet. Amd the sece, I sd t my set besde
Ae, my csest ed t the ppe, d ve he tese sme.
Ty t t et my quest ech t udy css the seess
m, I sked, Yu kw yth but bedbu btes?
I te jked tht I eve hd duhte, Id wt he t be
ke Ae. I my wys, she s my ewsm he. he Ist met he, thee yes bee, she ws st-spke, shy yu
wm m Quees, y ew yes de th me. She hd
ved t the Postm sm weeky ppe d sce the hd
mtued ude the pessue b-cty tbd t e the
Posts mst teted eptes, chu ut ems u best st-
es. Mst te Fdy hts, yud d Ae wt u st-
es spt scees smuteusy. I cudt hep but k up t
he. Nw I ey eeded he dvce.
He tht deded wd, bedbugs, Ae scted he ch
wy m me. Dt te me yu hve them, she sd wth
mpsh sme. I stted t shw he my m, but bee I cud et
t my te we, my phe .
Yu edy? It ws the ew Sudy edt, Steve. He ws just
bey hs mdthtes, yet he hd edy bee med hed ed-
t the Sudy ppe, the sect I wked , d despte hsedess, he tmdted me. Evey Tuesdy, ech epte hd
ptch meet t shwcse sme hs he des tht Su-
dys ppe. At the sud hs vce, I ezed wth pc tht I
ws cmpetey upeped ths weeks meet. Usuy I hd
t est thee cheet des t ptch; they weet wys et,
but I wys hd smeth. Nw I hd th, t eve euh
t bu my wy thuh the ext ve mutes. Hw hd I et ththppe? Ths meet ws mpssbe t et, weeky tu
tht we stdusy peped , eve du dys .
Bedbus tte, I wdeed my eyes t Ae s I std
bck up, mey hp t wud wk ut ce I t t Steves
ce.
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6 B R A I N O N F I R E
Nevusy, I wked bck dw Pe Steet d t Steves
ce. I st dw ext t Pu, the Sudy ews edt d cseed wh hd meted me sce I ws sphme cee,
v hm d but vd dect eye ctct. I edjusted my
sctched-up wde-med Annie Hallsses, whch pubcst
ed ce descbed s my w m bth ct becuse
e w seep wth yu wth thse .
e st thee sece mmet, s I ted t et myse be
cmted by Pus m, e-th-e pesece. th hsshck pemtuey whte h d hs ppesty t tss the
wd uck ud ke pepst, he s the essece thw-
bck ewsm d bt edt.
He hd ve me sht s epte du the summe my
sphme ye cee te my ed tduced us. Ate
ew yes whch I wked s ue, cve bek ews
d eed mt t the epte t wte the pece, Pu
eed me my st b ssmet: tce the debuchey t
New Yk Uvesty tety huse. he I etued wth
sty d pctues me py bee p, he ws mpessed wth
my chutzph; eve thuh the exps eve , he ssed me
me stes ut I hd bee hed u tme 2008. Nw, s I
st Steves ce why upeped, I cudt hep but ee ke
wk pess, t wthy Pus th d espect.
The sece deepeed ut I ked up. Steve d Pu weest t me expectty, s I just stted tk, hp sme-
th wud cme. I sw ths sty b . . . , I sd, despe-
tey puck up wsps h-med des.
Thts ey just t d euh, Steve teupted. Yu
eed t be b bette stu th ths. Oky? Pese dt
cme wth th . Pu dded, hs ce bz ed.
F the st tme sce Id stted wk my hh schewsppe, jusm dseed wth me. I et the meet u-
us t myse d bewdeed by my w epttude.
Yu ky? Ae sked s I etued t my desk.
Yeh, yu kw, Im just bd t my jb. N b de, I jked
my.
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B ED B U G B LU ES 7
She uhed, eve ew chmy cked cs teeth.
Oh, cme , Sush. ht hppeed? Dt tke t seusy.Yue p.
Thks, A, I sd, spp my ukewm cee. Ths
just et my wy.
I bded ve the dys dsstes tht eve s I wked
west m the News Cp. bud Sxth Aveue, thuh the
tust custeuck tht s Tmes Sque, twd my ptmet
Hes Ktche. As pupsey v the cch New Ykwte, I eted cmped e-m stud, whee I sept
puut s. The ptmet, eey quet, veked the cut-
yd seve teemets, d I te wke t t pce ses
d umb be tucks but t the sud ehb
py the ccd hs bcy.
St bsessed wth my btes, despte the extemts ssu-
ce tht I hd th t wy but, I peped hm t
spy the pce d spet tht ht dscd ths tht cud
be hb bedbus. It the be wet my beved Post
cps, hudeds tces emd me hw bze my jb
s: the vctms d suspects, deus sums, pss d hs-
pts, tweve-hu shts spet shve sde phtphes
cs wt t phtph ppceebtes. I hd wys
ved evey mute t. S why ws I suddey s tebe t t?
As I shved these tesues t the tsh bs, I pused ew hedes, m them the best sty my cee t dte:
the tme I med t d excusve jhuse tevew wth
chd kdppe Mche Dev. The t med wee ht
the sty, d I ws y se t sht Uvesty
St. Lus, yet Dev spke t me twce. But the sty ddt
ed thee. Hs wyes wet uts te the tce , uch-
sme cmp st the Postd c judc de, whe the c d t med be debt my
methds ve T d quest the ethcs jhuse te-
vews d tbds ee. Pu eded seve teu phe
cs m me du tht tme, whch bud us tethe, d
the ed, bth the ppe d my edts std by me. Thuh the
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8 B R A I N O N F I R E
expeece hd tted me, t s whetted my ppette, d m
the , I becme the esdet jhuse. Dev ws evetuyseteced t thee csecutve etmes ps.
The thee ws the butt mpt sty, Re d Peset D-
e, hede tht st mkes me uh. I hd t udecve
s stppe k chep butt ehcemets m wm
wh ws ey dspes them ut mdtw hte m.
As I std thee wth my pts ud my kes, I ted t t
be suted whe she uced tht she wud eed thusdds pe cheek, twce the mut she ched the wm wh
hd cme wd t the Post.
Jusm ws th; I hd wys ved v ety
tht ws me bust th ct, thuh tte dd I kw tht
my e ws but t becme s bze s t be wthy cve-
e my w beved tbd.
Eve thuh the memy mde me sme, I dded ths cp t
the w tsh pewhee t bes, I sced, despte the
ct tht thse czy stes hd met the wd t me. Thuh
t et ecessy t the mmet, ths cus thw wy
yes wth wk ws cmpetey ut chcte me. I
ws stc pck t, wh hed t pems tht I hd wt-
te uth de d twety-sme-dd des tht dted bck
t ju hh. Thuh thee ddt seem t be much cec-
t m my bedbu sce, my etuess t wk, d mysudde stct t pue my es, wht I ddt kw the s tht
bu bsess c be s psychss. Its tte-kw pb-
em, sce thse sue m pstss, Ekbm sydme,
s ts ced, e mst key t csut extemts dem-
tsts the my estts sted met heth
pesss, d s esut they equety udsed. My
pbem, t tus ut, ws vste th tchy em d tte meet.
Ate hus pck eveyth wy t esue bedbu-
ee ze, I st ddt ee y bette. As I ket by the bck
be bs, I ws ht wth tebe che the pt my stm-
chtht kd ee-t ded tht ccmpes het-
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B ED B U G B LU ES 9
bek deth. he I t t my eet, shp p ced my
md, ke whte-ht sh me, thuh I hd evesueed m e bee. As I stumbed t the bthm, my
es d bdy just wudt ect, d I et s I wee s
thuh qucksd. I must be getting the fu, I thuht.
Ths mht t hve bee the u, thuh, the sme wy thee my
hve bee bedbus. But thee key ws pthe sme
st tht hd vded my bdy, tte em tht set eveyth
mt. Mybe t cme m tht busessm wh hd seezed
me the subwy ew dys bee, ees ms vus
ptces t the est us tht subwy c? O mybe t ws
smeth I te smeth tht spped sde me thuh
ty wud my sk, mybe thuh e thse mysteus
bu btes?
Thee my md es .
The dcts dt ctuy kw hw t be me. hts
ce s tht tht m hd seezed yu, yud mst key just
et cd. F me, t pped my uvese upsde dw d vey
ey set me t syum e.
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