feelings and emotions what are feelings and emotions?€¦ · for example, remember when you did a...
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Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 1
Feelings and Emotions
What are feelings and emotions?
A feeling is a reaction in our mind /thoughts to things that happen. An emotion is
how our mind and body react to things that happen. Animals and humans developed
feelings to help us survive in our environment. Everyone has feelings. They are a
really important part of us and they are there all the time. We all have feelings;
sometimes these are good feelings, and sometimes these are bad feelings.
Feelings happen in the mind and the body. When we are in a bad mood, we usually
have more negative thoughts and our body probably feels low on energy.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 2
When we are in a good mood, we usually have more positive thoughts and we
probably feel energetic.
Cycle of Feelings
We can see the way we experience feelings as a cycle which goes round like a
wheel.
For example, remember when you did a job well. You
thought: “I can really do this” (positive thought), you
felt proud and happy (positive feeling) and you had a
good feeling in your body associated with pride. You
will probably do this job well again the next time which
will give you confidence you always do the job well
(behaviour).
Thoughts
create
Feelings
Feelings
create
Behaviour
Behaviour
makes
Thoughts
stronger
Behaviour
makes
thoughts
stronger
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 3
Now remember someone said something
unkind to you. You thought: “That really hurt”;
you felt sad and maybe angry; you had feelings
in your body associated with sadness and
anger. You will probably avoid this person in
future.
Why do we need feelings?
Human beings have always had feelings. They help us survive. Understanding
dangers or chances in the environment helps us make sure our basic needs are
satisfied: if we feel hungry, we eat. If we are startled, we feel fright. When we
feel fright, we usually have a fight or flight (hitting out or running away) response.
What is the fight or flight response?
The fight or flight response is a good example of how feelings keep us safe. It
also shows how feelings are expressed in our minds and bodies and in the sense
you have of what you are feeling. The emotion of fear is very much involved.
Years ago, human beings lived very different lives to the lives that we live today.
People lived with a lot of uncertainty and had to hunt for their dinner. People lived
amongst wild animals and had to be able to defend themselves.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 4
Our bodies are designed to react to different situations to keep us safe. When
our ancestors were startled by an angry bear or lion, their body would get ready
to fight the animal or run away from it.
In a new or strange situation where a really quick decision needs to be made, our
instinct takes over. While the mind quickly thinks about this situation, the emotion
/ feeling of fear very quickly takes over the body. Our brain sends extra energy
directly to the limbs, lungs and heart to make sure they are able to act efficiently
to either fight or run away.
Most people live very different lives these days. Hunting for pizza isn’t a very
dangerous activity! The world has changed but our bodies have stayed the same.
We still have feelings and our bodies react the same way to them.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 5
These days, there are very different things that make us feel the fight or flight
response – it could be:
Someone changing your plans without telling you.
Feeling confused and not knowing what to do.
Getting lost.
Preparing for exams and worrying about doing well.
Having to speak in front of other people.
Trying to make new friends.
When somebody is annoying you.
When someone is telling you bad news.
Because we find these things difficult, or even scary, our bodies think that we are
in danger. We feel fear, so our mind and body respond just like in caveman days.
This is why our bodies might feel a little different when we are stressed or afraid
or anxious. These feelings are all related to fear. Our bodies experience a rush of
energy. This rush of energy can be seen in different ways in different people. It
might:
Make our heart beat faster
Make us breathe quicker
Make our palms sweaty
Make us feel dizzy
Make us feel shaky
Our mouth might go dry
Makes our muscles tense
Makes our stomach tingle
Make our eyes go wide
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 6
These experiences are unpleasant but they are normal and natural. They show us
that our body is working hard to keep us safe.
We need to learn how to trick our body into thinking that the ‘bear’ has run away
and the danger is gone. We can learn how to make our bodies into feeling just
right. We can make our bodies experience the Relaxation Response (this is the
opposite of the fight or flight response). Something like belly breathing brings
down our energy levels to a more comfortable level and helps us feel just right.
Some people use exercise or deep pressure or movement or talking to someone
else to help them feel better.
If you find it difficult to relax in a situation, it is worth remembering that
feelings always pass after a while. No one ever stays stuck in a feeling. The
feeling line below illustrates a feeling happening, reaching its peak and then fading
away.
A feeling line might look like this:
Start finish
Even if you are very angry or sad, or shocked, or nervous, you will always feel a bit
better after a while.
Feeling frightened is an unpleasant feeling, but it can be useful. If
we have an exam or test coming up, we will study because we are
afraid of failing. It is hard to motivate ourselves to study if we
aren’t a bit anxious or fearful of failing.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 7
Feelings in the body
We feel emotions in our bodies. Scientists have shown that most of us feel our
emotions in our bodies just where everyone else feels their emotions. Most of us
feel anger in our heads and our hearts, most of us feel anxiety in our stomachs.
What if I don’t ‘feel’ feelings in my body?
Some people find it hard to know where feelings happen in their body. They may
find it hard to know when they are hungry or thirsty or anxious or sad. Our sense
of ‘interoception’ tells us what is happening in our body but it can be
undersensitive or oversensitive. We can learn how to tell what we are feeling in
our bodies with practice. Go to page 16 to find out more…
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 8
Feelings in the mind
When we have emotions in our minds, we call them thoughts. We can have negative
thoughts and positive thoughts. We can have neutral thoughts. Remember the
feelings cycle: the way we think can affect how we feel and behave.
Inner coach
The inner coach is like a helpful inner voice. Our nice, positive thoughts help us to
feel good about ourselves. Some people call these green thoughts. They help us to
be calm and happy.
Inner critic
The inner critic is like an often unhelpful and negative inner voice. Negative
thoughts make us feel bad about ourselves. Some people call these red thoughts.
Mostly we should try to ignore negative thoughts because they aren’t true.
Sometimes, however, negative thoughts can be helpful. If we feel guilty and
ashamed about something wrong that we did, these uncomfortable thoughts might
help us not to make the same mistake again. We can call these guilty thoughts
yellow thoughts. They are like a warning to be careful not to repeat a mistake.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 9
Feelings in behaviour
We express our feelings through behaviour. When we are happy, we look happy
and we behave in a positive way. We have energy and we are more fun to be with.
Maybe we are kinder to others and more tolerant. Maybe we want to spend more
time with other people or doing things we like.
When we are sad, we look sad and we
behave in a negative way. We usually
want to be on our own. We sometimes
feel tired and want to do nothing. We
often stop doing things we like doing or
we just do the same thing over and again.
When we are angry, we look angry and behave in an angry
way. Some people shout and break things. Some people hurt
other people. We often feel we are out of control. Maybe
afterwards we are very sorry and this guilt makes us feel
worse.
When we are worried, we usually look worried. We
often think everything is going wrong and
everything is a disaster. Our bodies often feel
like we’re having a fight or flight response. We
sometimes try to stay away from things that
make us anxious. We might not want to go places
or be with other people.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 10
Why do we have so many feelings?
We have a lot of different types of feelings and there are lots of names for
them. We have pleasant (happy, joyful, proud) and unpleasant feelings (angry,
guilty, worried, shocked, sad) and some feelings that are more neutral (calm,
indifferent). We can have strong feelings (mad, ecstatic, terrified) and weaker
feelings (surprised, pleased, irritated). Sometimes we can have a number of
feelings at once, for example, we might feel sad and angry at the same time.
Feelings and emotions are the things that encourage us to take care of ourselves.
They help us to know what we like and what we don’t like; what is good for us and
what is bad for us. They help us to make choices. If we understand our own
feelings and emotions, we can learn to manage them better. When we understand
these feelings and emotions in ourselves, we can also understand these feelings
and emotions in others. This will help us to get on better in life. Using a strategy
like the Zones of Regulation (Kuyper, 2012) can help us get to understand and
manage our feelings better.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 11
What happens if my feelings are too big and I can’t control them?
Some feelings are really difficult and we usually want to avoid them if at all
possible. We probably don’t even want to talk about negative feelings. But, we all
have good and bad feelings are so we need to understand them better and learn
how to manage them.
Sometimes we can learn to make very
big feelings smaller by learning more
about them.
Some big feelings should really be
smaller feelings.
For example, lots of people are frightened of flying in a plane, even though very
few people die in plane crashes. Lots of people are frightened of dogs, even
though very few dogs bite people. Lots of people are frightened of speaking in
public. Nobody dies or gets bitten because of speaking in public, but it is still
scary for some people. People often get special help to get over their fear of
flying or dogs or fear of public speaking. This helps them to make the big feelings
manageable.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 12
Knowing the thoughts, physical sensations, situations, or events that affect your
feelings can help you prepare yourself to manage your feelings.
What are triggers?
Feelings can be caused by things outside us and things inside us. These triggers
can affect how we feel. Everyone is different and people can have similar triggers
or different triggers.
An example of something outside us that causes a feeling
may be when someone gives us a present of something we
wanted and we feel happy.
An example of something inside us that
causes a negative feeling may be thinking
we are going to fail an upcoming exam which
makes us worried and stressed.
Bodily sensations like pain, hunger, feeling wiggly, or feeling relaxed can affect
how we are thinking and feeling.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 13
Tick the triggers that are stressful:
Not getting enough sleep
Someone teasing me
Noise
Crowds
Talking to lots of people
Answering a question in class
Losing a game
Making a mistake
Getting lost
New foods
Making choices
Being told off my the teacher
Insects
Looking stupid
Strong smells
Going to hospital
Going to the dentist
Going on holidays
New teacher
High places
Thunderstorms
Being last
Germs
Exams
Homework
Waiting in a queue
Thinking about the future
Other things that make me
stressed_________________
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 14
I can’t tell what I’m feeling. How can I learn all this?
Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we are feeling. But we need to learn about
these feelings, so we can try to feel better. If we stay confused about our
feelings, it is harder to help ourselves feel better. Sometimes we need to use
clues to tell us what is going on. This takes some time and practice but is one of
the most important life skills we will learn.
Think about the thoughts you are having. Are your thoughts
sad or happy or worried? This might give you a clue. If you
are having a certain type of thought, you are probably having
the associated feeling.
Get to know how feelings
affect your body. When
you have a pain in your
stomach, is it hunger or
worry? The fight or
flight response will give
you a clue that you are
feeling fear or worry or
anger.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 15
Get to know the events and situations that trigger different feelings. What
makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you angry? How do you feel
when you are tired or bored?
I know what I’m feeling but I can’t control it
We can’t always control what we are feeling but we can do something about most
feelings.
You can practice ‘catching yourself’ before a feeling gets too big. Learn your
triggers and have a plan to stop yourself losing control.
Have a plan to mind yourself in different situations where you might feel
overwhelmed. Knowing what calms you might help.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 16
Calming strategies
Calming strategies involve thinking and doing
Thinking strategies
These strategies include talking to ourselves in our heads. We
can use our inner coach to say ‘I’ll be okay’, ‘I can do this’, ‘I’ll do
something to help calm me’, ‘is this a big problem or a small
problem?’ ‘I’ll get help’.
We can ignore our inner critic when we hear negative thoughts.
Sensory strategies
Our bodies have 8 different senses. The first 5 are easy: sight, hearing, touch,
taste and smell. But there are 3 other senses. These are
balance (vestibular), knowing where we are in space
pressure (proprioceptive) and
knowing how our body feels (hunger, tiredness, temperature, etc.). This sense is
called interoception.
Each of us has a unique profile of how our senses react. Some people like bright
lights and some don’t; some people are upset by loud noises; some people love
movement; some people don’t like others touching them.
Calming
strategies
Sensory
strategies Thinking
strategies
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 17
Ask yourself what sensations do I like?
I like ________________________
________________________
________________________
We put the thinking and sensory strategies together, to make calming strategies.
Calming strategies
Some activities are calming. These include deep breathing, counting, listening to
music, playing some computer games, doing a favourite job, yoga, carrying, pulling,
swinging, hugging, jumping, deep pressure, and running. We can add these to our
thinking and sensory strategies.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 18
Things that help you to feel calm
Good Bad
Go to a quiet place
Tell someone I can trust
Write it down and tear it up
Walk / exercise / sport
Listen to music
Massage
Deep breathing
Count to ten
Go to my room
Read a book
Computer
Bath
Watch TV
Chew gum
Go under my duvet
Write in my diary
Relaxation CD
Stretching
Watch a DVD
Drawing / painting
Jigsaws
My relax book
Singing / dancing
Other
Some activities make it hard for us to relax, for example, we might find it hard to
go to sleep if we have been playing a very exciting game. Plan to use the strategy
that works best for you when you need to.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 19
By building calming activities into our daily routine, we can help keep stress levels
down and this will help us feel better.
Zones of Regulation
The Zones of Regulation is a way of helping to learn about feelings and how we
feel them in our body. Knowing how our feelings work can help us regulate our
feelings so we don’t become overwhelmed.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 20
You can personalise the Zones so they make sense to you.
When it comes to feelings, try not to worry. Unless you or someone else is in
danger, you can cope with most things. Remember to try calming strategies and
remember the feeling will pass.
Deep breathing
The "Flower and Candle" activity encourages deep breathing. Start by slowly
breathing out as if you are blowing out a candle. Next, imagine you are inhaling
deeply as if you were smelling a flower. Keep doing this until you feel more
relaxed.
Micaela Connolly, Psychologist, BOC (South Lee) 21
Telling someone I trust
A good strategy is to tell someone you trust about your feelings. This is what
most people do. We can’t do everything on our own. Other people may not know
how we are feeling unless we tell them.
Coping with sadness when you’re young
We all feel low at times in our life. We can feel like no-one understands us, that
others are putting too much pressure on us or that our friends are more popular
or better than us.
Talking to my parents about my feelings is important. Finding the words to
describe what I’m feeling can be hard, but it’s really important to try.
Exercise and spending time outdoors is important to keep our mood up and reduce
stress and anxiety. It can be difficult to find the motivation to exercise so try to
build it into your everyday routine – can I walk to school? Can I walk around the
yard at lunchtime? Ask for movement breaks? The more I move and exercise, the
more it will become part of my routine and it will make me feel better.
Eat a balanced and healthy diet. Sugary foods makes me feel hyper, but then
I feel tired soon afterwards. Fizzy drinks like Coke can make my heart go
faster and stop me sleeping well. with sleep.
I can keep a feelings book, like a diary. I can write in it how I feel each day:
Monday: I was mostly happy, but I got cross with John at school and I hit him.
Tuesday: I was very cross with John, but I didn’t hit him. (that’s progress!)
By Joanna Gill, Senior Speech and Language Therapist
Resources
Atlas of Emotions
http://www.paulekman.com/atlas-of-emotions/#
Zones of Regulation, Leah Kuypers
http://www.zonesofregulation.com
Interoception, Kelly Mahler
http://www.mahlerautism.com/interoception
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