overindulgence & teaching responsibility facilitated by lori zierl pierce county uw-extension...

Overindulgence&

Teaching Responsibility

Facilitated by Lori ZierlPierce County UW-Extension

Family Living Agent

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What Is Overindulgence?

Giving children too much, too soon, too long

Giving things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests and talents

Giving things to children to meet the adult’s needs, not the child’s needs

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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)

Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children

Children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty

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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)

Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm or at least stagnates and deprives that person of achieving their full potential

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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)

Overindulgence is a form of child neglect

It hinders children from doing their developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Are You Overindulgent?

Do you suspect that you might be overindulging your children?

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Overindulgence

Undercuts self-discipline

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Clues to Overindulgence Hinders child from learning tasks that

support development and learning

Gives disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children

Benefits adult more than child

Child’s behavior potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Hazards of Overindulgence

Trouble learning delayed gratification

Trouble giving up being the center of attention

Trouble becoming competent in: Everyday skills Self-care skills Skill of relating to others

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Hazards of Overindulgence (continued)

Trouble taking personal responsibility

Trouble developing a sense of personal identity

Trouble knowing what is enough

Trouble knowing what is normal for other people

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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What is Enough?

Too Little

Enough

Abundance

Too Much

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Who Overindulged?

Both parents 43% Mom 42% Dad 11% Grandmother 4%

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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How Were Children Overindulged? 53%Having things done for child 41%Clothes 36%Privileges 35%Toys 32%Allowed to dominate family 32%Not having to learn skills that

were expected of other children

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Reasons Parents Overindulged

49% Issues stemming from the parent

18% Death of a loved one

15% Illness

10% Birth order

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Areas of Overindulgence

Too many things

Over-nurturing

Soft structure

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Too Many Things Clothes 41% Toys 35% Lessons 22% Entertainment 18% Holidays 17%

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Too Many Clothes

“I’ve got nothing to wear.”

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Too Many Toys

Children’s play is children’s work

Are today’s toys merely preparing children to become consumers?

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Too Many Activities

“Many families are over-scheduled outside the family and under-scheduled inside the family.”(The Intentional Family by William Doherty)

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Look For Balance

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What is Nurturing?

All the ways we provide for the soft needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention, support, stimulation, recognition and response

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Over-nurtured Adults Say… Parents did things for me that I

should have done myself

Parents gave me too much attention

I was allowed lots of privileges

Parents made sure I was entertained

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Too Much Over-nurturing

Nurturing becomes overindulgence when it involves doing things for children they are able to do, and should be expected to do, for themselves

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Over-nurturing

When parents over-function for a child able to function for herself, the child tends to under-function

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What is Structure? Structure is the firm side, the

“how to” of care

It’s the bones

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Overindulged Adults Say… Parents did not expect me to do

chores

Not expected to learn same skills as other children

Parent’s didn’t have rules or make me follow the

Parents gave me too much freedom

(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

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Too Soft Structure

No rules

Not enforcing the rules

No chores

Too much freedom

Allowed to dominate the family

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Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence?

Children fail to learn important life skills

They do not learn how to set and respect boundaries

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What is Firm Structure?

Reasonable rules that are consistently enforced

Mastery of skills

Learning family values

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How to Establish Structure

Set limits, boundaries, and standards with rules

Enforce the rules with rewards for compliance and discomforting consequences for noncompliance

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What is a Rule?

“A principle or standard to which an action conforms.”

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Chores The expectation that a child will

do chores lets a child know that he is valued as a contributing member of the family

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Too Much Freedom

Scary for an inexperienced child

Expects children to handle people and situations without having learned how to do so safely or responsibly

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Good Freedom Allows children to explore or experiment

within the bounds of safety and their abilities

Allows for learning important lessons from experience

Allows for creativity without destruction

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How to Develop Responsibility in Children

Be a responsible person (role model)

Communicate expectations clearly

Allow children to be involved

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Developing Responsibility (Continued)

Offer encouragement, love, and attention

Let children know you believe in them

Present task in a way that fits your child’s learning styles

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Developing Responsibility (Continued)

Responsibility should be age appropriate

Allow for consequences

Children should not be given an allowance for chores

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Developing Responsibility (Continued)

Allow for mistakes and imperfections

Set limits and give fewer choices if a child repeatedly fails to fulfill his responsibilities

Don’t set your child up to rebel

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Remember… Resist redoing a task done by a

child

Divide a task into smaller parts to help a child get it done

Parents can encourage a child to do chores by expressing appreciation and encouragement

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Resources

How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful ChildrenClarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004

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Resources When Is Enough, Enough?: What

You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied.Meyerson and Ashner, 1996

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent ChildJohn Gottman, 1997

Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children.Clarke and Dawson, 1998

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Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent

UW-Extension Pierce CountyPierce County Office Building

412 West Kinne Street, P.O. Box 69Ellsworth, WI 54011-0069

715-273-6781

University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture and Wisconsin counties cooperating. UW-Extension provides equalopportunities in employment and programming, including Title IX

andADA.