structures and routines that make a difference for foster parents

TWIG BENDERS SESSION 4

Structures and Routines that Make a Difference

Oak Ridge Camelot Foster Parent

2014 In-service Training

IN THIS SESSION How can structures and routines be

helpful in running a family What are some everyday routines? Am I the Director or Reactor? What new ideas can I implement?

IT’S EASIER TO JUST DO IT MYSELF Does this sound familiar? How about any of these:

“Whenever I ask my child to do anything it becomes a fight”

“My child works harder to get out of work than it takes to do the chore”

Many of us and many of our children are busy. It seems no one has time to teach children to help out.

Why is it important that our children help out with chores?

Why do we need to have a routine and set a structure for them?

WHY? Children need structure and routine Children need structure and routine to feel safe

If a child can count on his environment to be predictable and trust it he will feel less anxious

If a child knows there are rules and everyone follows them he will be less afraid.

Structures are a primary tool in socializing children (enabling him to make decisions based on other people’s needs not just his own.)

When a child knows there are expectations of him and it is necessary to meet them he will.

PARENTS NEED STRUCTURE TOO? Foster parents lives can be hard to

manage We are too busy, pulled in many

directions, and have many expectations placed on us to live in chaos

Kids will take over if there is no structure

It’s ok to just need kid’s help! A consistent routine that we can count

on can reduce our anxiety and in turn promote a calmer environment

DIRECT VS. REACT Reacting: responding to something that has just

happened Directing: being in charge of what is happening and

planning what will happen Ex. You know at 4:30 pm the kids are tired and

hungry. You work hard to get dinner, kids are fighting, running under your feet, and you being yelling. “GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO! GET OUT OF MY FACE!” The mood of the house is anxious and chaotic. You react to a nerve-wracking situation.

-so: notice the pattern of hungry kids, tired parent. Have a plan. Decide on a snack that morning, have some activities already designated, and pre-make any of the dinner you can the night before. This head start has allowed you to direct the afternoon.

WHY ARE THE PARENTS THE DIRECTORS As a side note, Parents get to be in

charge because they are bigger and got there first. They pay the rent, bought the furniture and buy the groceries. It is ok for the parent to be in charge because he said so.

WHY DO PARENTS HAVE TO BE THE DIRECTORS? Children do not have knowledge or

experience to be comfortable being in charge.

Ex. A 4 year old cannot decide when his bedtime is. He is not able to always determine when his body is signaling it is tired or plan for the next morning alarm clock. Giving a child freedom to “go to bed when he is tired” creates inconsistency that leads to anxiety which leads to less ability for the youth to know when they are tired.

HOW DO WE DIRECT? Think of yourself as a director of a play “direct” the play and “set the stage” Decide what will work best for you and

your family Be a little flexible

PUT THE WORK IN ON THE FRONT END Lack of directing = a lot of reacting and

a bad day Time and energy put into directing =

less reactionary energy and more positive, relaxing time

EXCUSES, EXCUSES… it was too hectic It was a holiday I was too tired I was too busy I was spending all my time dealing with

bad behavior Have we ever told our kids they can stop

bad behavior and choose good behavior? Shouldn’t we model this if we believe it?

We can stop the bad behavior of reacting and start directing if we choose to

REACTING/RESPONDING PARENT Child acts up

Parent yells at child

Child feels de-motivated

Cycle continues

DIRECTING PARENT Child acts up

Parent sets stage for next time toward positive attention

Child feels trust, love, acceptance, belonging

Child is invested and motivated to please parent

KEY TIMES FOR ROUTINES Waking up After school Dinner/Mealtimes Bedtime Transitions (In between activities)

WAKE UP! First interaction sets the tone for the

day

Time for nurturing

“Quality” time sends them off on their day knowing they are valuable

A GOOD START Preparation is key

Set out clothes, make lists, get bags ready, review the plan the night before

Crabby children need more sleep “You do this while I…”

CHORE TIME Children over 5 years need some sense

of responsibility Sense of worth, contribution Builds skills Relationship building & cooperation Awareness of their environment Child feels care for

CHORES SHOULD BE… Age appropriate

Time limited

Routine

Written/listed

THE BOX Any container Eats up clutter One chore (5-10 mins) per item All items retrieved the same day Deterrent effect

“the box is coming”

DINNER TIME Important for social skills, manners,

tone of voice, etc Teach nutrtion Quality family time Planning time- opportunity to direct Lower anxiety

BEDTIME Nurturing Affects behaviors the next day Consistency/routine lowers anxiety and

reduces the times they keep getting up Set bedtime Quiet time to wind down Lots of nurturing &

cooperation

TRANSITIONS School bus ride Recess/hallway Before meals During bedtime Car rides Give verbal clues Provide materials Practice transitions

ASK YOURSELF What time of day are our routines?

Do all family members know the routines?

Is it written down?

Do you prepare the child in advance

Do you expect them to do it?

STRUCTURE & ROUTINES Not babysitting, or entertaining

butHelping a child learn to manage time

independently!