the mccook tribune. (mccook, ne) 1890-09-26 [p ]. · a distinct art as it was with...

Quick Wit.Lang says of Americana

that they are " 'Almost too fr'oodcompany , " and that Their enliveningeffect upon the "dejeeted Britons"with whom they are thrown is oten(

Very startling. Evcm amongst ourinosD animated countrymen , how.ever , converse bion is not niade sucha distinct art as it was with theEng'-lish

-

wits a century ago.Few people nowadays make them-

Beljcs-

masters of repartee , and whena man does practice turns and quipsof speech wo are likx-ly to listen tohis-utterances. . One such professionaltalker was reproaching a 3ounglndy-at a party because , as he declared ,

she had promised to go out to sup-per

¬

with him rather than with thegentleman who v/as actually at herside-

.JVery.

well ," said he tragically. "1

say no more now , but alter supperMr. A and I nha.ll meet for mortalcombat. "

"Now you're silly/ ' said the pout-ing beauty.-

"No.

, I'm not silly ; I'm Scylla"wasthe quick reply. "And Mr.A-is Charybdis. Take your choicel"-

On the same night , just as he wasleaving the house and preparing tostep into his cab. another friend alsoomerged-

."Hallo., J. , " said the latter , "]

didn't know you were round. ""Yes ," was the answer , "I'm round ,

and now I'm going to roll home. "

Writing a Famous Poem.The poem of "Curfew Must Not

.Ring To-night" was suggested to me-

by the reading ofa story called "Loveand Loyalty," in April , 1867. I wag

then a plain country school girl , notyet 17 , residing with my parents at-

Litchfield , Mich. , and under the pre-

text¬

of working out mathematical ,

problems , with my arithmatic befon-me , I wrote the poeiv roughly on mj-slate.. I was forced to carry on m\literary work under these difficultiesbecause of the opinion of my parentsthat my time could be better em-ployed than in "idle dreams and use-less rhymes."

I wrote the first copy on my slate ,

between 4 and 6 o'clock in the after-noon

¬

; but much time has since beenspent in congesting and revising it-.I

.

had no thought that I would everbe able to write anything worthy 01

public notice. The poem was firstpublished in The Detroit Commercia''Advertiser in the fall of 1870. Theeditor upon receipt of mymanuscrip-lat once wrote me a lengthy letter ocongratulation and praise. RoseHartwick Thorpe-

.An

.

Unostentatious Man.One of the most unostentatious

men of whom there is any record ,

written or unwritten , died lately.-He

.

was on his deathbed , surroundedby sorrowing friends and relatives ,

in a. voice weakened by disease , yelfraught with deep earnestness , lusaid :

"I know you are all quite fond o-

me-

and sorry to see me <ro , which isvery satisfactory at this time. WhenI am stowed away for good and all.you will probably place atombstone-or monument to mark the spotwhere I am buried. Don't let it begaudy or expensive ; just- somethingplain , Above all don't allow any-thing

¬

fulsome chiseled on the stone.-In

.

short, let there be no flighty lit ¬

erature. Just put on it ray nameand the letters S. Y. L. ' See you

' "later.Having received satisfactory

promises that his wishes should be-

obej'ed to the letter even the threeletters this unostentatious manturned his lace to the wall and mod-estly

¬

died.

The Unprogressive Barber.One of the preplexing problems o

life , to the man who cannot handlerazor upon his own face , is the un.reasonable and aggravating habilwhich the average barber has of rub ,

bing soap into his victim's chin un-

til the skin is in a state of irritationand the bone aches with the pressureof muscular fingers. The bnrbei-eayp that the process renders tluthe hair soft , but atthispointscieiiatakes the issue with him , and saysthat the skin alone is afieeted. Tluvictim groans , changes barbers invain , and finally settles down to theconviction that he must endure thisbarbarous massage or let his beardgrow. The process seems to be a

mere tradition , a sort of trade fetichand no amount of persuasion will in-

duce the operator to exchange his j

harsh fingers for the more gentlebrush , unless the victims form an as-

sociation for the protection of thechin or the amelioration of its suffer-

Afraid to Pray ,

The New Minister " Do you meim-

to say, madam , that you fe.-w to

I pray ?"Old Lady " ' Yes , I know the pray-

ers

¬

will be answered , of course , bu *

they're not answered with discrimi-nation.

¬

. For years and years m\husband had to get up before day-light

¬

in order to reach his work ortime ; and the long , nlow rides instreet curs were injuring his health.Well , I prayed"tlmt he'might l o re-

lieved of this great trouble and dan-

ger¬

nnd , in six months , a great , bijr ,

uHy elevated railroad was run upour street and ] haven't seen a rayof Bmishhi" sni' ' . " Li .

**

. At the Truth Tellers' ;

When I was in. Maryland someyears ago I stoppe'd at an old fash-

ioned¬

inn up near Cumberland. Youwill perhaps recollect that in the sum-

.mer.

of 1882 we had some horribleI thunder storms. Have I ever toldany of you this story before? No ?

Well , I put up at ihis inn one verysultry day in August , just as the sunwas setting.

Shortly after we had retired astorm came up. The rain fell in tor-rents

¬

down the hillside , rushing likemountain lakes let loose , and thencame the lightning and the thunder.-At

.the first clap I sprang from my

bed toward the window. The nextflash revealed to me a grand oldchestnut tree , rocked by the winds ,

dripping with rain , and groaningand shrieking in terror of the storm.Then a crash.

When I came to they told me thatthe old chestnut had been struck ,and that I had been stunned.-I

.went down to see the old

chestnut. Many of its charredlimbs had been broken off and thrownto the ground. I made a startlingdiscovery. It seems- that in the oldchestnutrnany birds build their nests.The nests were all to be found scatter-ed

¬

about in the grass. There wereeggs in many of them. One of thenests was half filled with rain water ,and in it were an English sparrow'sthree eggs. I picked up one of themand broke it. It had been boiledhard.

Near by I found another egg. Ithad been blown out of a nest , and infalling through the rain water hadbroken and the lightning had poach-ed

¬

it. Not six inches away lay amother bird , roastedto a turn , andin her mouth a bit of bread , toastedby the heat of the lightning. Thenext morning when I took my coldbath I found on my chest a perfectpicture of the old chestnut tree , ofthe boiling eggs , of the poached egjrand of the roast bird with the bit ofbread , from which I could even makeout the smoke and smell the breadtoasting and eggs cooking. NewYork Sun.

How Trees Have Sense.Oliver Wendell Holmes is always

giving a peculiar turn to things , andhis latest twist is on a tree , which hecalls "a great underground creaturewith its tail in the air. "

Here is what he savs about it in"

The Atlantic Monthly :

' 'Yes , a tree is an undergroundcreature , with its tail in the air. Allits intelligence is in its roots. Allthe senses it has are in its roots.Think what sagacity it shoAvs in itssearch after food anil drink ! Some-how

¬

or other , the rootlets , which areits tentacles , find out that there is abrook at a moderate distance fromthe trunk of the tree , and they makefor it with all their might. Theyfind every crack in the rocks wherethere are a few grains of the nourish-ing

¬

substance they care for , and in-

sinuate-

j

themselves into its deepestrecesses. When spring and summercome , they let their tails grow, and j

delight in whisking them about inthe wind , or letting them be whiskedabout by it ; for these tails are poorpassive things , with very little willof their own , and bend in whateverdirection the wind chooses to makethem. The leaves make a deal ofnoise whispering. I have sometimesthought I could understand them , '

as they talked with each other , andthat they seemed to think they made '

the wind as they wagged forward '

and back. Remember what I say. j

The next time you see a tree waving '

in the wind , recollect that it is the '

tail of a great underground , many '

armed , polypus-like creature , whichis as proud of its caudal appendage , i

especially in summer time , as a pea-cock

¬

of hisgorgeous expanse ofplum-age.

-.

"Do you think there is anythingso very odd about this idea? Onceget it well into our heads , and youwill find it rendersthelandscape won-derfully

¬

interesting. There are asmany kinds of tree tails as thure areof tails to dogs and other quadru-peds.

¬

. Study'thom as Daddy Gilpinstudied them in his 'Forest Scenery. 'but don't forget that they are onlythe appendage of the undergroundvegetable polypus , the true organ-ism

¬

to which they belong. "

Just Married.Tricks on young married couples

are sometimes quite annoj'ing , andoften both droll and harmless. A re-

cently¬

wedded pair in Spriugfieldwere the victims of a practical joker.-

He.

had procured a large number ofprinted labels about six inches-longand two inches wide , with the words'Just Married. " and pasted them se-

curely¬

on the trunks , handbags , etc. ,

of the happy pair. The joke was notdiscovered till the party were readyto start on their wedding tour , andit was too late to remove the labels.The bridegroom carried his handbaglabeled "Just Married" without anyattempt at concealment.

Combinations in Dominoes.-Dr.

.

. Bein. a Frankfort (Germany )

mathematician calculates that twopersons playing dominoes ten hoursa day and making four moves a min-

ute¬

could continue 118,000,000without exhausting all the conbina-tions

-of the game , the total number

of which is 248,528,211,840 ! Fig-ures

¬

never lie , lint they some timestax our credulity to its utmost ca-pncinSt.Louifi Republic.

I A RATTLER IN BED. .

Jim C nley Thought It Was an Ice-berg

¬Against His Back.- .

' 'Talking about rattlesnakes , " saidJim Conley , as he perused the interest-ing

¬

snake department of the Globe-Democrat , while sitting in a crowd ofmen occupying the outside chairs at-McPherson's corner across the way , afew days ago , "I was an eye-witnessand an unwilling participant in oneof the bloodiest encounters with arattlesnake recorded in the historyof Utah territory. "

"Well , what are you waiting for?

Why don't you go on ? " asked thecorrespondent of the GlobeDemo-crat

¬

at Hillboro , N. M,

"Match , please. "j "Certainly."I Alter Conley had lit his cigar hecontinued :

"While traveling in that countrybetween Ogden and Salt Lake Citywith another man a good manyyears ago we got 'busted' and hadto go to work at anything we couldget to do. We got a contract froma Mormon settler on the road to cutand haul from the mountains 300cords of wood. He furnished every-thing

¬

and gave us so much for thejob. The camp at which he set usdown was six miles away , in thefoothills of the range , near wherethere were a lot of campers cuttingand hauling railroad ties to the val-ley

¬

for tlfe Union Pacific railroad.-We

.

camped in the yard of a manandhis wife , got water out of the samespring , and finally became very wellacquainted with them , and indeedthey proved to be mighty fine pee ¬

ple. Well , next morning after ourarrival at the camp. Bill and I wentto work chopping down trees andcutting them into four-foot lengthsready to haul. Things went on ad-mirably

¬

, and we were doing nicely ,when we took a notion one morningto go down to tha ranch and spendthe day with our employer and his

I family. During the day we had par-j taken liberally of the hospitalities at{ the ranchman's house , and becamesomewhat '1'uddled , ' but not overlyso , and returned home in good shape.-Wo

.both felt tired from our walk ,

and retired to bed about 0 o'clock.-I

.

had been asleep , I don't know howlong , when I awoke feeling a coldnessat my back that was not in keepingwith the weather , for it was summer ,

' .and though the days were extremelyhot the nights were cool , but not tothe extent of the cold sensation at-my back. I begnn to pull at thewagon sheets with which we werecovered , and waked my partner up.Turning over. Bill in an angry tone ,

asked :

I ' "What's the matter? Gotsnakes? '

" 'No , ' I replied , 'but 1 am as coldas Iceland itself, and want somemore cover or I will vacate this bedand build a fire. '

" 'Go to sleep and you'll be allright. ' said Bill , and he turned overfor a comfortable snooze.

"But 1 could not go to sleep forthat feeling of coldness over behindme , and at last I determined to in-

vestigate¬

the cause of it. Reachingbehind me with my right hand with-out

¬

turning over , I began to feelaround , for it felt exactly like an ice-

berg¬

lying up against me , and myhand soon found its way under andthrough the folds of the beddingandbrought up against something whichdid not feel natural by any means ,

and , for the first time , the idea of asnake beinir in bed with me enteredmy mind. I cautiously withdrew myhand and arm , moved toward Bill ,

and let the cover drop down betweenme and the object I had felt , and j

crawled out over my bed-fellow's j

body and from under the cover fromthe opposite side and left Bill snooz-ing

- '

away. I then called to him toget up and help me to see what it was , i

in the meantime finding a candle and i

lighting it. With much grumblingBill arose from under the cover midbegan helping me search for the mys-tery.

¬

. Turning the cover down , therelay , in a comfortable coil , one of thebiggest rattlesnakes ever seen in-

Mormondom. ."" 'Another match , please. '"Yes.""Well , sir, the serpent didn't move ,

but lay as quietly as the coil of asteamboat cable. Ourconfusiouandnoise had awakened the man and hiswife in the next tent , and they bothleaped out of bed and came rushingin to see what was the matter , forthere were Indians about , and thewoman was ready for a scare at anytime-

."There.

lay the rattler , apparentlyas sound asleep as was Bill a fewminutes before. Rushing to thewoodyard I soon returned with an-

ax , and told the crowd to standback and give me room. Everythingbeing clear , 1 raised the ax above myhead and came down on the coil ofthe snake with a powerful blow.-

"Well.

, men , that reptile fell into adozen pieces , coiled tightly as he wasfor when T came down with the sharpblade of :he ax upon it had wentthrough him a number of times. Itwould surprise you to know howmuch blood a rattlesnake contains.Why , the blood squirted from theends of all the pieces like a floorsprinkler , thoroughly saturatingeverything that we could not. take-out of the way. After the-excirmenthad somewhat subsided we shoveledthe pieces out'in the yard , and nextmorning , placing them as closely to-gether

¬

as possible , that snake meas-ured

¬

9 feet and 3 inches in length31-2 inches across the top oMiis-head. . From the end of his tail we

n r r rr '*; gr rv .

.

pulled a string of thirty-two rattles'and a 'buttonrepresenting 32 yearsand some months in age. "

"What ever became of the rat-tles

¬

? " asked a listener-."I

.

was just <rein : to tell you. Bill'and I worked on and completed ourjob without further mishap , andmade a good tiling out of our con-tract

¬

, when we went on to Salt LakeCity , where we sold the rattles to amuseum , which afterward , we learn-ed

¬

, disposed of them to an Italianpeddler , who took them to Italy. "

A Practical Joke.Three brother officers were travel-

ing¬

from Umritsir to Lahore , wherethey had been playing polo duringthe afternoon. One of them , tiredafter the srame. fell asleep on one ofthe seats. His railway ticket , whichwas sticking a little out of his pock-et

¬

, was promptly annexed by one ofthe others and transferred to his ownpocket. When nearing Lahore hisbrother officers awoke the sleepingyouth , saying :

' Now , then , old man ! Get up !

Here we are !"It was still broad daylight and for

some reason or other the train waspulled up some little'way outside thestation.-

"All.

tickets ready , please ! " shoutedthe ticket collector.

Two of our friends prumptlyfoundtheirs , ready for the ticket collectorwhen he should makehisappearance.The third searched his pockets butcould find no ticket.-

"Good.

gracious ! where is my tick-et

¬

! " he said ; "I know I had oneright enough when I started ; youfellows saw me get it , didn't you ?"be aske a-

."Yes.

, you had it right enough , "they said ; "where on earth can youhave put it?"

"I don't know ," he replied in des ¬

peration.-"You'll

.pay the fair ," said the

others , consolingly ; "it'snotmuch. ""But I haven't a cent with me ,"

he returned ; ' 'will you fellows lendme some dibs ?"

Both said they were as high anddry as he was in regard to money-

."Tickets.

, please ! " said the collec-tor

¬

at last quite close to the car¬

riage-."What

.

the Dickens shall I do? "said the ticketless one-

."Oh.

! get under the seat," said theothers ; "quick ! quick ! man ! here he-comes. . "

Under the seat like a shot went theman without a ticket ! When theticket collector came to the doorthree tickets were handed up-

."You.

have given me three tickets , '

sir , he said ; "but I see only two gen-tlemen

¬

; where is the third ?""Oh ! he's under the seat ," they

said with the greatest nonchalance ,as if it were an ordinary everydaya-ffair. .

| "Under the seat ! " echoed the ticketcollector , in atone ofsurprise , "what-is he doing under there ?"

"Oh ! he always travels under theseat , " they said , "he prefers it ! "London TidBits.-

An

.

Old Time Congressman.Kansas City Star.

Forty years ago or more Illinois1representative in Congress was anuncouth , illiterate man nametl Rey-nolds.

¬

. He was possessed of a dealof common sense , much naturalshrewdness , and an inexhaustiblefund , of comic humor. Out in Illinoishe filled the gubernatorial chair , andother positions of eminence in thegift of the state , and was apparentlyvery popular with his constituents.Illinois was then a frontier state ,

with a very small population , andwithout refinement or culture of anykind. Reynolds was fond of hear-ing

¬

himself talk , and didn't minda bit whether or not he was guyed ,

and didn't care whether the house waslaughing with him or at him. Hisconversation like his appearance andmanners , was tinged with all theoddities and quaintness of a back¬

woodsman. Soon after he came toCongress he paid a visit to Balti-more

¬

, and was amazed at the size ofthe city , and the crowd of peopledrove him wild. Passing downPratb Street to the river he saw thePatapsco River at high water , andsix hours later saw it when it was atlow water. This rather puzzled him ;

so , several hours later, he paid an-other

¬

visit to the river, and foundthe tide coining in again. This wastoo much for Reynolds , who exclaim-ed

¬

: "Goosh , if this don't beat all my-calkerlations two freshets in oneday and nary a sign of rain ! "

She Wanted a Prescription.One of our Belfast girls has gotten

the idea into her head that she wouldlike to be married. She broached thematter to her father and he prompt-ly

¬

thrashed her. The next thing shedid was to start out to find a lawyerand get his assistance in the matter.But by mistake she got into a doc ¬

tor's "office , and thinking him ananalyzer of the law unburdened hertroubles to him. The doctor , think-ing

¬

her a patient, for-some time list-ened

¬

to her tale of woe.Finally the truth dawned upon him

that it was a lawyer she wanted , andhe told her of her mistake. Then shelighted on him with her tongue , andsaid he had deceived her and drawnher whole story maliciously , and thatshe would not only have a lawyer toassist her to get married , but tosend the doctor to prison , and withall the scorn of her sex she swept outof the office. But it is snfeto sayshe will be married by and by. Bel-

fast¬

( Me. ) Age.

* > / * , ; ,

A 'Russian Romance. * 'The Russians are a simple , harm-

less people. When not engaged inblowing each other into the nir withhome-made dynamite , -they confine ,

themselves to home-made jam andrural recreation. At Odessa , forexample , the son of a smalllandowner attempted to marry thedaughter of a neighbor. Ail wentwell ; the wedding guests were as-

seriibled-

, and the wedding feast wasspread. Suddenly it occurred tosomeone that , in view of the prevail-ing

-

irritability of domestic politics ,considerable uncertainty naturallyattended the gathering together ofany number of persons. If the po-lice

¬

chose to consider that tliev werenot wedding guests , and that theywere Tiihilists , there would be an endof the entertainment. To make se-

curity¬

secure , therefore , it was pro-posed

¬

to eat the wedding breakfastat once , and to go on to the weddingafterwards. The thing was done ,

the toasts were drunk , and the partyproceeded to church. Everybodywas very jolly and a little hazy.Presently the bridegroom was foundto be absent. After a time not onlythe bride but the entire party ffotimpatient ; and at this critical junc-ture

¬

a total stranger presented him-self

¬

, and expressed in courteous termsthe pleasure it would give him tofacilitate matters by marrying thebride. Nothing could have been inbetter taste , or more agreeable.Promptly the ceremony was pro-ceeded

¬

with , and it was not until thebridal party emerged into'the openair that the bridegroom was en-

countered.¬

. He was full of protesta-tions

¬

and apologies , but as the bridemerely remarked that the "other-one" was "handsome and welldress-ed

¬

, " it was altogether unnecessaryto make such a fuss. Everybodythen returned to the feast, strong h*

the consciousness that abridegrocwwho could not take the trouble tobi-in

-

time for his own wedding was nrloss as a husban-

d.Portugal's

.

Female Bull Fighter.-

A

.

Gorman girl , Fraulein Johanno-Maestrick , is just now the heroine ofthe hour at Lisbon. She was bornnear Berlin , but when a child wentwith her parents to Portugal. Whenshe was 17 an impresario , struckwith her size and beauty , offered totrain her as a female bull fighter.The agei'.t sent his pupil , who is notyet 20 , to compete at the show offemale beauty which took placeat Lisbon , where she carriedoff the firstprize. Tiio advertisementproved an excellent one , for eversince the impresario has been bom-bar'led

-

with letters from persons ofall classes wishing to know when thebeautiful "torero ," is to make herdebut.

She has not yet appeared in anarena , but recently she came out in-

a trial fight at Oporto. A hugecrowd collected to see the unusualsi <rht. The young woman quicklylaid two bulls in the sand and rodeoff followed by a band of music ,

amid thunders of applause. Crowdsof people collected before the win-dows

¬

of the hotel at which the"torera" was staying , and far intothe night she was obliged to appearon the balcony in response to theircalls for her-

.Concerning

.

the Old Lady.-

"Jrdging.

from the flavor of thismilk, I should say it was of the vint-age

¬

of 57G ," remarked a Harlemgirl who enjoys the distinction of-beinjr what is known as a sweet girl ,graduate.

' 'You may knowagood deal , Sarah ,

but you have neglected to learn thatmilk doesn't belong to vintage.Vintage refers to something that istaken from the vine."

"Why , mother , " returned the jrirl ,

"didu't you know that milk wastaken from a vine? "

"1 didnt know anything cf thekind ," said the mother-

."But.

it's true ," insisted Sarah.-"Oh

.

, nonsense ! " interjected mater-tamilias

-

, "what vine? ""Bovine. " replied the girl , and the

old lady was so flustered that sheput put pepper on her. CharlotteRusse.

Rubber Between the Soles.The use of a single layer of pure

rubber gum between the layers ofleather that form the sole of thewalking shoe is an innovation of-

shoemakers. . Rubber used in thisway does not heat the foot nor causeit to perspire as a rubber overshoedoes. It protects the foot fromdampness almost s completely as aslip rubber. The latter recalls thestorv of the maid who was sent toher lady's room for a pair of rubbersand who returned with a blank faceand the remark , "Faith , I saw threeor four pair hanging , but the heelswas out of aich one of them and Iwas sure yez wouldn't wear such as-these. . " She had never seen a scandalbefore. New York Tribune.-

A

.

Lifetime of Benevolence.Elizabeth Comstock , the quaker

preacher , now aged and infirm , liv-

ing¬

at Union Springs , N. Y. , has in herlifetime visited 122,000 prisoners ,

195,000 sick and wounded soldiers ,

85,000 inmates of poorhouses andalmshouses , on both sides of the wa-ter.

¬

. For thirty years she toiled in-

field , and duringthe last years of heractive life was one of the most be-

loved¬

members of the W. 0. T. U.Orleans Picayune.

* " * 4 * a 1 f I. ,' MEMORY OF COLtmiU3.|

. IA/Descrlptlun of tlm Momimontto Be

Erected In NOMT York City-

.In

.

the month of February , 1889. amovement was set on foot by // Progrssso ltulo-Ame.ricano to wect on tinfourth centenary of the discovery ofAmerica a monument , to ChristopherColumbus , giving it to the city of.Now-York. . A .subscription was issued and afund of § 5,000 has "been accumulated , to-

gether¬

with objects of every kind anddescription , to bo disposed of at a fairwhich will shortly be la-Id , and by whichthe committee hopes greatly to augmentthe fund.

The monument will bo constructed inItaly by the famous sculptor Gaetano-Kusso , whose design was selected andapproved by a committee nominated bythcltalian government. This committeewas composed of some or the mot emi-

nent¬

sculptors , painters , and architectsof the country. It included Cesaru Mac-

cari-

, who painted the walls and ceilingsof the senate house ; Cesare Mnrinni , di-

rector¬

of the San Luca Academy inRome ; Filippo Prosper ! . the prince ofEuropean engravers ; Giulio Monteverde ,

sculptor of the btatuo , "Genius of Frank-lin

-

; " Giuseppe Sncconi , sculptor of thej Victor Emanuel monument ; Guglielmo-

Calderinia , architect ; Emilio Gallon ,

fculptor , and Ettore Ferrari , sculptor ofthe Giordano Bruno monument atRome.

The monument will bo 73 feet in-

height. . The btatue of Columbus in thecostume of an admiral will be executedin Carrara marble. The column will bemade of granite in the form of theancient Roman beaked columns , andfrom it will project representations ofthe poops and prows of the three vesselswhich accompanied Columbus ox hisvoyage of discovery. The anterior por-tion

¬

of the pedestal will contain a grouprepresenting the "GenitH of Columbus , "

his hand resting on a globe of the world ,

which he is earnestly studying , and onwhich he is endeavoring to divine theposition of the new continent. On theposterior portion \\ ill be a representationin bronze of an immense eagle , the coatof arms of America nnd of Genoa , thebirthplace of Columbus. The sides ofthe pedestal will be decorated \\itlt busreliefs representing facts in the life ofthe great navigator. Tlie design of thismonument has been judged one of themost beautiful yet produced , and it willdoubtless be the greatest and mostartistic of its kind existing in NowYork._

_.IZ IM-OPIE.

Teacher Bobby , what does lazy rnonn\Bobby Lazy means always to u ant yourlittle sister to get it for you. [Puck.

Teacher Tommy , do you know whata Nemesis is ? Tommy YesMim.Teacher Well , what is it ? Tommy A-

Jonah. . [Harper's Bazar.First Boy I saw a dead dog down on

Fifth avenueyist'd'y. Second Boy Huh !

I saw *im 'fore ever you did I helpedkill 'im. [White-side Herald.

Servant Girl What are you up to ,

Johnny ? Johnny Up to the preserveson the top shelf. Don't say nuthin' , orthe old woman will be up to me.-

Epoch..

[ .

Anxious Mother Don't you know thatGeorge Washington never , never told alie ? Sinful Boy 3Iiybj his motherdidn't care how much cakes and jam hetook , and be wasn't fraid to tell her.-

N..

[ . Y. Weekly.Little Ethel went to church with her

grandmother , and for the first time put10 cents in the contribution plate. Lean-ing

¬

over she whispered very audibly ,

"That's all right , grandma , I paid forf, _ rr :- .

.\s 1 t* Uv.p * j-

."Today , Hans , your dear papa is com-

ing¬

back from his journey , and he willbring you some oranges. So you aregoing to be very good all day , aieii'tyou ? " "I doii't know , mamma. Arethe oranges very big ? FFliegeude Blatter.

Teacher Did Columbus know that nehad discovered a new continent ? ClassNo , he thought it was India. TeacherCorrect. Why did he think he had foundIndia ? Bright Boy I s'pose it was 'catisothe inhabitants was Indians. [N. Y.Weekly

"John , Charles. William , '' cried thr-boy's mother , "where are those peachef-I left here ? " "In our midst , " returnedthe boys : and when the doctor calledthat night the mother knew that her lit-

tle¬

darlings had spoken truthfully aswell as with a grammatical accuracythat is not universal.

Complete Information. "Mamma ,

what's twins ! " asked the smallest child-."I

.know , '' replied the older one , before

the mother could answer. "Twins istwo babies just the same age ; threebabies are triplets ; four are quadrupeds ,

and five are centipedes. " [N. Y. Sun-.Mabel's

.

Hard Task. A Portland familyhad company one day , and little Mabelwas helping her mother in preparingsupper. Her mother told her privatelyto spread the cloth on the table and l.esure and have the neatest part at thelady visitor's side. After endeavoring to-

do as near as she was requested , she ex-

claimed¬

: "Only think , mamma wan ed-

me to give you the cleanest part of thetable cloth , and 1 can't fin.l any clean partJo it. " [Lcwistou Jonrral.-

A.

little bov, who is uotHng if not dili-geat in the study of history , was one dayreciting fluently on the subject ot "TheBattle of Bunker Hill. " He had it by-heart. . The little voice piped 1 i' li as hodescribed how "the patriot ranks layquietly behind their earthworks untilthe redcoats uere within ten n-d < . whenPrescott shouted 'Fhe !

* A blaze oflight shot from the redoubt , and wholepantaloons of the Brici.sh ft11. . The sur-vivors

¬

" But there was no chance todispose of the survivors. A shout wentup from the class. After all "platoons"looked much like "pantaloons. " [ Har-per's

¬

Bazar.

s the Show-."Where's

.

that living skeleton ? " askedthe gentleman from Philadelphia.-

"Well.

, the fact is. " said the showmanconfidentially , "he fell into the slot ofthat weighing machine this morning ,and we haven't get him out yet If-you'll come back to-morrow night Iguess you can see him. "