the pocket butler: a compact guide to modern manners, business etiquette and everyday entertaining
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COPYRIGHT©2015CHARLESMACPHERSONASSOCIATESINC.
Allrightsreserved.Theuseofanypartofthispublication,reproduced,transmittedinanyformorbyanymeanselectronic,mechanical,photocopying,recordingorotherwise,orstoredinaretrievalsystemwithoutthepriorwrittenconsentofthepublisher—orinthecaseof
photocopyingorotherreprographiccopying,licensefromtheCanadianCopyrightLicensingAgency—isaninfringementofthecopyrightlaw.
AppetitebyRandomHouse®isaregisteredtrademarkofRandomHouseLLC.
LibraryandArchivesofCanadaCataloguinginPublicationisavailableuponrequest.
PrintISBN:978-0-449-01680-0e-bookISBN:978-0-44901681-7
Coverimage:©ImageZoo/Corbis
PublishedinCanadabyAppetitebyRandomHouse®,AdivisionofRandomHouseofCanadaLimited,
APenguinRandomHouseCompanywww.penguinrandomhouse.ca
v3.1
Tomyfather,RobertWilliamMacPherson.
Businessman,bonvivant,teacherandraconteur.
CoverTitlePageCopyrightDedicationIntroduction
ETIQUETTETheModernGreetingLineOrderofPrecedenceReceptionProtocolANoteonNotesSendingYourNotes
TheLanguageoftheButlerPosture
GreetingGuestsDoorsandDoorways
CarsMakingIntroductions
TheDo’sandDon’tsofaHandshakeHowtoOfferYourBusinessCard
CubiclesHowtoCalculateaTipTipsbyCountry
ENTERTAININGHostandHostessGifts
DressCodeDressingGuidebyOccasionTableSettingBasics
ChinaCutlery
ServingUtensilsGlassware
HowtoHoldaDinnerKnifeandForkTable-SettingProcessUsingaButler’sStickNapkinFoldingMenuCards
HowtoPrepareaCheesePlate
ThePerfectBarDecantingWine
PoppingChampagnePreparingtoEat
PoliteTableConversationTopTenRulesofTableMannersAfternoonTeavs.HighTeaHowtoBrewaPotofTea
CoffeeStylesCreatingthePerfectGuestBedroom
TheGuestBook
BEFOREYOUGO…FoodandWinePairings
TheButler’sFoolproofMenuPlansCookbooksEveryoneShouldOwn
Acknowledgements
IHAVESERVEDASMAJOR-DOMOforprominentfamiliesaroundtheworld,offeringhouseholdhelpandstafftrainingservicesincountlesscountries.Itismybeliefthatthereisnopoliticalorbusinessleader,dignitary,kingorqueen,ormoviestarwhocanmanagewithoutdomesticprofessionalsinthewings.Whatareallygoodbutlerknowsarethesecretsofthetradethatsimplifyhousekeepingandentertainingathome.It’sthelittleluxuries—simplehumankindness,decencyandattentiontodetail—thatmakeadinnermemorableorthatturnahouseintoahome.Followingthesuccessofmyfirstbook,TheButlerSpeaks:AReturnto
ProperEtiquette,StylishEntertainingandtheArtofGoodHousekeeping,IwasconsistentlysurprisedbythefeedbackIreceivedfromreaders.Althoughtherewasgreatinterestinthedomestichousekeepingsectionofthebook,thequestionsIwasaskedmostoftenrelatedtoetiquetteandentertaining.Ibegantoseetheneedforamorecompactreferenceguidethatwouldhelpreadersshareinthesmallpleasuresavailabletoallofus.Ienvisionedabookthatwouldbegearedtowardsyoungprofessionals,peoplewholovetoentertainandanyonelookingtoincreasetheircomfort,socialskillsandknowledgeintheseareas.AndIwantedtowritesomethingthatwouldbewell-lovedandthumbedthroughtimeandtimeagain.TherenownedcookJuliaChildoncetoldmethatherfavouritepartofsigningherreaders’cookbookswasseeingallthemessy,food-splatteredpages.Shelovedknowingthatherbookswerecherishedandusedoften.Afteragreatbottleofwinewithmypublisher,Robert,wedecidedtopursuethisidea—aneasy-to-followbookthatwouldbeadefinitiveandhelpfulresourcethatreaderscouldtrulymaketheirown.Andso,ThePocketButlerwasborn!Because,nomatterwhoyouare,youcanconductamoreproductivesociallife(andamoreproductivecareer,too)withtipsandtrickslearnedfromaprofessionalbutler.Iconsidermyselfluckyindeedtohaveworkedasabutlerformore
thantwenty-sixyears.Ihavehadtheopportunitytowatchthemostincredibleeventsunfoldwithinthewallsoffamousandopulenthouseholdsaroundtheworld.HowmanypeoplegetthechancetowitnessadinnerinthestatediningroomofBuckinghamPalace?OrstayintheprivateresidenceoftherenownedHôtelduMarc,ownedby
VeuveClicquotPonsardin?Orspendhoursflyingat35,000feetinaGulfstreamVwithacelebrity?Butlersandhouseholdmanagersworkhard,butinreturn,weareofferedrareglimpsesofthedailylivesoftherichandfamous.Butperhapsyou’rewonderingwhatthathastodowithyou.Asbusyworkingpeople,youandIhavemanydemandsandstressesinourlivesthatweneedtoovercome.That’swhereIcomein.Justasyouwouldseekmedicalorlegalhelpforaproblem,Iamtheprofessionalwhohasinsightintohowtomakeentertainingandmannersanaturalpartofyourlife.Thesesocialskillsarethecompetitiveadvantagestherichandfamoususeeveryday,andyoucanusethemtoo.ThefamousdesignerOscardelaRenta(1932–2014)taughtmeoneofthemostimportantlessonsofmyprofessionallife.Whenasked,“Whatisluxury?”hisresponsewasthis:“Luxuryisafeeling.”Hewentontoexplainthatpayingahighpricetobeservedacupofcoffeeinafancyhotelbyanemployeewhopaysnoattentiontoyouisnotluxurybecauseitdoesn’tmakeyoufeelspecial;rather,youleavedisappointed.Incontrast,buyingacheapercoffeepreparedbyavendorwhogivesyouhisundividedattentionmakesyoufeelappreciatedandacknowledged.Thatisgoodservice.Thatisluxury.Luxurycanbehadbyanyoneatanytime,andgiventoanyoneatanytime,becauseit’saboutmakingsomeonefeelwelcomed,cherishedandlookedafter.Andifyoucanmasterthisconcept,successinbothyourbusinessandpersonallifeissuretofollow.
CharlesP.MacPherson
WELIVEINATIMEwhentechnologyistakingoverourlives.Weusedtospendeveryeveningbreakingbreadwithfriendsandfamilyatthedinnertable,butthedemandsofmodernlivingaresuchthat,formanyofus,dinnerispickedupfromadrive-throughwindowwhilerushingtoakid’ssoccerpractice.Homeentertainmentismoreaboutmicrowavedpopcornandamovierental,andhousekeepingisthatSundayafternoonscrambletodolaundryandtidyupbeforeanotherbusyworkweekbegins.Similarly,rulesofsocialdecorumhavefallenbythewayside,andfewerpeopleseemtorealizethetruevalueofproperetiquetteandhowitcanenrichourdailylivesandsocialinteractions.Thoughweareluckytohavesomanyamenitiesatourfingertips,neverbeforehastherebeenatimewhenweneededprofessionalguidancemore—onmannersandetiquette,onhowtoentertainwithstyleandonhowtomanageourhomesinawaythatprovidesagreaterqualityoflifeandresultsinhappiness.Manypeoplefeelthathavingpropermannersmeansbeingstuffyand
pretentious,butI’mheretotellyouthatnothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth!Youcanbewell-mannered,culturedandagreathomeentertainerwhilebeingyourself—infact,there’snootherwaytobe.Forme,etiquetteisnotasetofclassistrulesforrich,famousorsnobbypeople;rather,it’sawayofbeing,basedonunderstandingotherpeopleandhavingconsiderationfortheirneeds.LetitiaBaldrige(1925–2012),thedoyenneofAmericanetiquette,oncetoldmeherdefinitionofetiquette.Shedefineditashowweactatthebreakfasttablewhensittingwithfamily;howwespeaktothebusdriveronourwaytowork;orhowwespeaktosomeonelikeourmother-in-lawwhensheisdrivingusalittlecrazy.Whatshewassuggestingisthatetiquetteappliestoeveryone—inanysocialinteraction.Don’tworryaboutmemorizingrigidVictorianrulesandoutdatedcodesofconduct.Instead,worktoadaptthesecoreprinciplestofityourdailylife,whateverthatmayinclude.Modern-dayetiquetteisaboutbehavingwithgracearoundothers,but
itservesanotherfunctionaswell:itgivesussomethingtofallbackoninnew,strangeorawkwardsituations.Goodetiquettealwaystakesintoaccountcultural,generationalandsocialdifferences,anditallowspeopletohandleallsituationswithcivilityanddignity.This
understandingisparamountforsuccess,becausethemoreyoulearnaboutetiquette,andthemoreyoucanincorporatetheseideasintoyourdailylife,thehigheryourself-confidencewillclimb.Now,whenIsay“self-confidence,”Ihopenoonewillconfusethatwitharrogance(whichis,intruth,alackofconfidence).Self-confidencethatstemsfrometiquetteisultimatelyaboutcomfort.It’saboutputtingyourselfateaseinanysocialsituation,butmoreimportantly,it’saboutputtingotherpeopleatease.Alongwithmymother,whotaughtmehowtoshowrespectforstrangers,friends,colleaguesandfamilymembersalike,Ihadahighschoolteacher,Mrs.DorothyWolfson,whohelpedteachmehowtobecomfortableinmyownskin.Mrs.Wolfsonshowedmethatmyetiquetteinsecuritiesmademeappearsnobbishtoothers,whichwasnottheimpressionIwantedtoleaveatall!Bydevelopingmyownself-confidenceinthisfield,andlearninghowtoacceptmyself,Iwasabletoshowthatgenerositytowardsothers,andIamtrulyahappierpersonforit.Iknowthatyouwillbe,too.Etiquette,bothsocialandbusiness,beginswiththewayinwhichyoupresentyourselftotheworld.Forthatreason,inthissectionofThePocketButlerwewilllookatmattersofpresentation,introduction,entrancesandexits,politeacknowledgement,andofficecomportment,offeringtipsandsuggestions.Whenyoucanconductyourselfthroughthesemomentswithpoise,youwillaccomplishthegoalofetiquette:puttingothersattheireasewithrespectandthoughtfulness.
THEMODERNGREETINGLINEAfewyearsago,aclientaskedmetogototheMiddleEasttospendsometimetraininghisstaff.Myclient’sresidencehasbeeninthefamilyforseveralgenerationsandisparticularlylarge,evenbymystandards—theyhaveseveralthousandpeopleonstaff.Infact,Idon’tthinkIhaveeverworkedinabiggerhousehold!WhileIwasthere,Iwasaskedtotrainthehouseholdstaffinthetraditionofagreetingline.Thisisaformalreceptioninwhichthehousestaffgathersinanorganizedmanneroutsidethehousetogreetguestsupontheirarrivalandtobidthemfarewellwhentheyareleaving.ThoseofyouwhowatchDowntonAbbeywillhaveseenthestaffline
upatthemainentranceofHighclereCastlewheneveranewguestisscheduledtoarrive.Incontemporarysituations,whenwethinkofagreetingline,welikelydon’tpictureanythingquitesogrand.But,truthfully,awell-composedgreetinglinecouldnotbemorerelevanttoday.Youmightpictureawedding,withthenewcoupleandtheirfamilyinaformalreceivingline.Nowlet’sthinkofthisinadifferentway.Imagineyourcompanyhasinvitedanimportantpotentialnewclienttoyourboardroomforapresentation.Makingtheinitialrightimpressioniseasyifyouhaveplannedinadvancehowtheclientwillarrive,whowillgreetyourguestatthefrontdoorandwhowillescorthimorhertotheboardroom.Butmostimportantly,someoneneedstothinkaboutwherealltheemployeeswillstand,whoonyourteamwillmaketheintroductionsandtheorderinwhichyourteamwillbepresented.Thesesmalldetailsareoftenoverlooked,buttheymakeanimportantimpressionwhendonecorrectly.
ORDEROFPRECEDENCETherewasatimeinhistorywhenyousataroundadiningtableinthe“orderofprecedence.”Yourseatatthetabledependedonyourstationorrankinsociety,andtherewerewell-establishedrulesaboutwhosatwhere,andwhy.Today,wemaynotrefertotheorderofprecedencewhenpreparingforadinnerinourhomes,butthatdoesn’tmeanwedon’tapplyruleswhenitcomestoseatingarrangements.
Ithinkofanorderofprecedencetodayasawayofsortingagroupofpeopleandfindingthemostsensibleandrespectfulplacementforthemaroundatable.Maybeyou’rewonderingwhyguestsatatableneedto
besortedatall?Thinkaboutitthisway:ifyouhadtwelvepeopletoyourhomeforaformaldinner,you’dhavetothinkaboutwhosatwhereorchaoswouldensue.Youcouldendupwithamanaccidentallyseatedbetweenhiscurrentandformergirlfriends.Oryoumightfindawriterseatednexttothebookcriticwhojustsavagedhisworkinareview!Whataboutadinnerwithcolleaguesatarestaurant?Whositswhere,andhowisthatdecisionmade?Andifyouhaveeverorganizedaweddingbanquet,youknowalltoowellhowimportantitistothinkaboutseating,becauseyouwantyourgueststofeelcomfortableandateasewiththosearoundthem.Forsomethinglikeaformalinternationalstatedinner,rankisstillone
ofthefactorsthatdeterminesseatingatthetable.Otherfactorscouldincludetherelationshipofgueststothehostsandanynationalorregionalcustoms.NorthAmericantablesaretypicallyorganizedsothatguestsalternatemaleandfemale,withthehostatoneendofthetableandthehostessattheother.Ideally,thehostwillhavethehighest-rankingfemaleguestonhisrightandthesecond-highest-rankingfemaletohisleft.Andthehostesswillhavethehighest-rankingmaleguesttoherrightandthesecond-highest-rankingmaletoherleft.Theorderofprecedencewillfollowinthiswaydownthetable.Buteveniftheeventyou’reorganizingisn’tnearlyasformalasastatedinner,puttingsomeeffortintoaseatingplanwillensurethatnobodyisoffendedbysomethingastrivialastheirplaceatthetable.Atasocialevent,Iwouldrecommendseatingpeoplesothatthereissomeminglingofgenerations,butmakingsurethatnoonefeelsstrandedwithoutapersonoftheirownageorinterestgrouptotalkto.It’salsofuntoseatpeopletogetherknowingthattheyshareacommoninterest.Inabusinesssetting,seatpeopleaccordingtocompanyseniority.
RECEPTIONPROTOCOLNotmanyofuswilleverattendanofficialstatereception,butmuchoftheetiquettearoundsucheventsappliesequallytootherimportantfunctions.Herearesometips:
BUTLER’STIP
InCanada,premiersareseatedaccordingtowhentheirprovincejoinedConfederation.ThelongertheprovincehasbeeninCanada,thebettertheseatatthetable.
•Beontime:Whenitcomestoimportantevents,thereisnosuchthingas“fashionablylate.”Beafewminutesearlyifyouwillhavetocheckyourcoatorifyoudon’tknowexactlywheretogo.
•Donotover-worktheroom:Aformaleventisnotforpromotingyournewbusinessorrallyingsupportforacause.Usetheeventasanopportunitytogettoknowpeople,andcontactyournewconnectionstodiscussspecificmattersaftertheeventisover.
•Neveraskformorefood:Askingforasecondhelpingofsomethingwilldrawunwantedattention.Largeeventsaregenerallyplanneddowntotheminute.Byaskingformorefoodyoumayupsetthetimingofadinner,andinsultyourhostorhostess.
•Connectwithyourhostandhostess:Makeanefforttospeakwithyourhostandhostess.Remembertotakeonlyafewminutesoftheirtime.Ifyoumonopolizeyourhostatastatereception,anofficialmaypolitelyinviteyoutoenjoytherestofyoureveningandpointyoutothedancefloor.Atalessformalfunction,youmightjustfindtheotherguests
givingyousourlooks!
•Leavegracefully:Ifthereisaguestofhonour,notethathisorherexitisyourcuetodothesame.Finishonelastdance,orcocktailatthebar,thensayyourgoodnightsandheadforthedoor.Ifthereisnoguestofhonoursingledout,besensitivetothecuesthatthepartyiswindingdown.
ANOTEONNOTESTherewasatime,longbeforee-mails,whenpersonal,handwrittencorrespondencewascommon.Everyproperhouseholdhadofficialstationery,andbutlersandotherheadsofstaffusedthistocorrespondwithtradespeople,aswellasforthank-younotesandotherhousehold-relatedcommunications.Ilovethisold-fashionedcustom,andIbelievethatinourfast-pacedworld,onewayofreallyconnectingwithsomeoneistoturnbacktotraditionandoffersomethingpersonalized—ahandwrittenthank-youcard,afollow-upnoteoraninvitation.Justashandwrittennotesarefallingoutoffashion,soisfinestationery.Still,Iadvocateareturntothistradition,too.E-mailssimplycannotcompetewiththebeautyandeleganceofacardornote.Ahandwrittennoteisappropriatetothankahostorhostessfortheirhospitality,tosendthanksforagiftortoexpresscondolencesorcongratulations.Tryineachcasetoaddapersonaltouch.Seesomeexamplesonthefollowingpages.
THANK-YOUYouwillnevergowrongbysendingathank-younote,andyoumayevenbe(silently)criticizedfornotsendingone.Sodomaketheefforttoshowyourtrueappreciationandmaketherecipientfeelvalued!
CONDOLENCESThisisoneofthemostdifficultnotestowrite.Peopleoftendon’tknowwhattosaytohelpalleviatethepainofmourningalovedone.Icompletelyunderstandthatsentiment,butthisisonenoteyoureally
needtowrite.Ifindthatthebestthingyoucandoistowritefromtheheart.Also,sharingareminiscenceaboutthedeceasedpersoncanreallyhelpwiththebereavedperson’sgrief.
CONGRATULATIONSWhodoesn’tloveanotecongratulatingyouforamilestoneyouarecelebratingorajobwelldone?Becauseofthelackofnotestoday,thesemakeevenmoreofanimpressionandarethatmuchmoreimportantasatoolofcommunication.
SENDINGYOURNOTESInadditiontofewerwrittennotes,Ihavenoticedmanypeoplewhodonotknowwhyitisimportanttostuffanenvelopeinaparticularway,orhowtodoit.Theobjectivewiththistaskisthatwhentheenvelopeisopenedbythereceiver,heisabletoreadtheprintedmaterialeasily,withouthavingtotwistandturnthecontents.
THEFLATCARDThistypeofcardshouldgointotheenvelopewiththecontentsofthe
cardfacingthebackoftheenvelope.
THEFOLDEDCARDThefoldededgeshouldbealignedwiththebottomoftheenvelope,withthefrontofthecardfacingthebackoftheenvelope.
THETHREE-FOLDLETTERAnormalbusinessletterisalwaysfoldedtwice,givingyouthreeparts.Startwiththeletterfacinguponthetable.Thebottomisfoldedfirstupwardsone-thirdoftheway,andthenthetopoftheletterisbroughttofacethebottom.Placetheletterintotheenvelopesothatthebottomfoldgoestothebottomoftheenvelope,withthefaceofthelettertowardsthebackoftheenvelope.Whenthereaderremovesthepieceofpaper,heorshewillbeabletounfolditandimmediatelyreadthetextonthepage.
THELANGUAGEOFTHEBUTLERNomatterhowmanytimesyoumayhaveheardthis,Ibelieveitbearsrepeating:“Youhavejustonechancetomakeafirstimpression.”Whenyouseesomeoneforthefirsttime—afutureemployer,ablinddateorananchorpresentingthenews—youimmediatelyformanimpressionofthatperson,beitpositiveornegativeorneutral.Thisimpressionismadewithinsecondsoftwoindividualsmeetingandisextremelydifficulttochange.Fairornot,thatfirstfeelingisbasedoncountlesstangiblesandintangibles,includingphysicalappearance,bodylanguage,attitudeorevenawrittencommunication.
Hereareafewpointersthateverybutlerknowstohelpcreateagoodfirstimpression.
•Whenmeetingsomeoneforthefirsttime,repeathisorhernameinyourconversation.
•Usetheappropriateamountofformalitydependingonthecircumstance—thewayinwhichyouareintroducedwillhopefullyprovideyouwithclues—butwheneveryou’reuncertain,erronthesideofbeingmoreformal,atleastatfirst.Mostpeoplewilltellyouifthey’dpreferalessformalstyleofaddress,butfewwilltellyouwhenyou’veerredandgonetooinformal.
•Listencarefullywhenyoumeetsomeone,notonlytothewordsapersonusesbutalsototheirunderlyingmeaning.Respondwhenappropriate,andbegenerousandgracious.
•Alwaysmaintaineyecontact.
•Becarefulofusinghumour.Ifyouaremeetingsomeoneforthefirsttime,youdonotwanttooffendthem.
•Checkyouregoatthedoor.Waituntilyouhaveestablishedcredibilitybeforeyouevenconsiderchallengingsomeoneyou’vejustmet.
•Chooseyourwordscarefullybecause,rightlyorwrongly,whatyousaywillbeusedtojudgeyourintelligence,education,culturaldevelopmentandabilities.
BODYLANGUAGEImagineyouareoneoftwopeopleapplyingforajob.Asthefirstcandidateinterviewed,youstandtall,youofferafirmhandshake,youlooktheinterviewerintheeyeandyousmileconfidently.Thesecondcandidate,however,hasaslumpedposture,pullshishandawaytooquicklyduringahandshakeandlooksatthegroundwhenothersspeak.Evenbeforeeithercandidatehassaidaword,animpressionhasbeen
made.AsCandidate1,you’vesettherighttone,whereasCandidate2isalreadysendingthemessagethathecan’thandlethejob.Agoodbutlerhasmuchtoteachusabouthowtomakeagoodfirstimpression.Heknowsthatbodylanguageisanimportant,non-verbalpartofcommunication,asaregestures,poses,movementsandexpressions.Ashestandsbythedoor,answersthephoneorgoesabouthisdailychores,hisvoice,postureandmannerexemplifycalmdignity.Thinkofthisasarecipeforfirst-impressionsuccess,nomatterwhatthecircumstance.
WRITTENLANGUAGEFirstimpressionsarenotalwaysmadeinperson.Asoftenasnot,youwillmeetanewcolleagueorclientbye-maillongbeforeyoumaketheiracquaintancewithahandshake.
E-mailAswonderfulatoolase-mailis,Ifindthatifnotusedcorrectly,itisguaranteedtocausemisunderstandingsandincorrectinterpretationsoftheoriginalmessage—andthisisnevermoreimportantthanwhenmakingafirstimpression.Whencommunicatingviae-mail,keepitbrief,ontopicandspecific.Iftheissueisparticularlycomplicatedorifyouaredealingwithanemotionalsituation,thentheruleofthumbshouldbetoaddressitbytelephoneorinaface-to-facemeeting.Toneofvoiceistrickytodiscernwhenitcomestoe-mail,andbyallowingsomeonetohearorseeyouinthemidstofadifficultdiscussion,youhaveafarbetterchanceofgettingyourmessageacrossclearlyandwithoutincident.
TextMessagingAtextistheperfecttoolforquick,shortpiecesofinformation,suchas“I’mrunning10minuteslate”or“Dinnerreservationconfirmed.Bruno’s,6p.m.”Itdoesn’tworkwellforlongconversations,orwithanyonewhoisn’taclosefriend.Anditneverreplacesapropernotewhenoneisrequired.IfyouneedtothankAuntAnneforthebirthdaypresent,it
cannotbedoneviatext.Sendherane-mailorhandwrittennotetoexpressyourgratitude,andfamilygatheringswillbefarmorepleasant!Inthebusinessworld,Iamnotabigbelieverintextingclientsor
colleagues.Ithinkitismuchnicerandmorepolitetopickupthephoneandcalltosayyouarerunninglate,ortoexpressexcitementoveragreatmeetingorproject.Atextsentinaprofessionalsettingrunstheriskoflookinghastyandunpolished,especiallyifcomparedtosomeoneelse’swell-composede-mail.
TELEPHONELANGUAGEInthisdayandage,mostofusknowthebasicrulesforhowtocomportourselvesduringanimportanttelephonecall:speakclearlyandaudibly,don’tchewfoodorgum,beengagedandlistentothespeaker,andsoon.ButIhavefoundanewchallengewhenitcomestotelephoneetiquette,andthatistheconferencecall.
Whenyouhaveamedium-sizedorlargegroupofpeopleonaconferencecall,itisimportanttorememberthatwhenyouspeak,theotherparticipantsmaynotrecognizeyourvoice,soitisalwaysappropriatetointroduceyourselfquickly,withsomethinglike,“Charleshere.IthinkthemeetingshouldbeheldonTuesdayat2:00p.m.”Thiscorrectlyidentifiesyouandavoidsanyoneaskingorthinking,“Whoisthatperson?”Acommonbutmajorfauxpaswhenitcomestoconferencecallsor
long-distancemeetingsistalkingortypingwiththephone’smicrophoneturnedon.Itdistractstheotherparticipantsonthecalland,moreover,cangivetheimpressionofrudenessorboredom.Ifyoumusttypeor
speaktosomeonewhileyouareonaconferencecall,besuretomuteyourtelephonefirst.
VideoCallingInadditiontoanawarenessofhowyoucomportyourselfonthetelephone,youalsoneedtopayparticularattentiontovideocallsorconferences.IfyouarecallingaclientonSkypeorthroughGoogle,youabsolutelymustputsomeforethoughtintobothyourappearanceandthatofyouroffice.Ifyouworkathomeanddon’tgenerallywearmakeup,youmightconsiderabitoflipstickaheadoftime.Thinkofwhatyou’rewearing,aswell.Pyjamasareperfectlyfineifyoudon’tneedtointeractwithanyoneelsewhileworking,butmakesuretochangeifaclientwillseeyouduringthemeeting.Lastly,beawareofwhatisvisibleinthebackground.Tidyupthepapersyouhaven’tyetfiled,ormakesuretocloseyourofficedoorifyourcathasatendencytocomeinandwanderovertoyourkeyboard.
POSTUREAbutler’sappearanceanddemeanourisimportantatalltimes.Hisorherconduct,workandstancewillbeviewedandjudgedbyemployersandfellowemployees.Infact,postureandstanceareimportanttoanyprofessional,andyouwillalwayslookmorepolishedandpoisedifyoustandupstraight.Thepersonwhoisslumpedoverisconsideredsloppy,whilethepersonwhostandstall,handsbehindback,isconsideredattentiveandprofessional.Therearemanybusinesssituationsinwhichpostureisimportant,andwhilethebasicruleofstandingstraightalwaysapplies,hereareafewtipsforspecificsituations.
ATACONFERENCESomethingthatIlearnedfrommygoodfriendPamelaEyring,presidentoftheProtocolSchoolofWashington,waswheretoplaceyournametag.Whenattendingaconferenceorlargemeeting,mostofusautomaticallyputournametagontheleftsideofourchests,overtheheart.Butthisincorrect!Itishighlyimportantthatyoualwayswearyournametagontherightsideofyourbody.Why?Becausewhenyoushakehands,therightsideofyourbodynaturallymovesforward.Thenametagremainsvisibletotheotherperson,andhelpsthemsee—and,moreimportantly,remember—yourname.
ATACOCKTAILPARTYWhenholdingabeverage,trytokeepitinyourlefthand;thiskeepsyourrightfreeforhandshakes.Also,rememberthatitcanbeawkwardtohavetoshiftyourdrinkfromonehandtotheotherwhileinacrowdedroom,soit’sbesttogetintothishabitearly.Thistrickalsoworkswellforpursesandhandbags.Keepyourclutchinyourlefthand,orunderyourleftarm,andyou’llbefarlessdistractedbyitoverthecourseoftheevening.AgreatwaytoseethistrickinactionistotakenoteofHerMajestyQueenElizabethII,whoalwayskeepsherhandbagonherleftarmsothatshecanshakehandseasilywithherright.Trustme,takealookthenexttimeyouseeherinthemedia,andyouwillsee
howwellitworks!
GREETINGGUESTS
EXPECTEDGUESTSWhenansweringthedoor,maintainanuprightposture,bepoliteandgreetguestswithawarmsmile.Helpthemwithanycoats,winterboots,umbrellas,etcetera,andknowwhatyou’regoingtodowiththese.Thereisnothingworsethanmeetingaguestonablusterywinterdayandsaying,“Ohdear.Ihavenoideawheretoputyourcoatandboots.”
UNEXPECTEDGUESTSWhenIwasachild,sometimesmyfatherwouldtakemetovisitfriendshehadn’tthoughttocallaheadoftime.Thetwoofusjustshowedupoutofnowhere,andIoccasionallysensedthatwewereintrudingatthewrongmoment.Imustadmit,itwasn’tuntilIwasinmyfirstapartmentthatIrealizedhowmuchIdislikeunannouncedvisitors.Ifounditdisruptiveandrudetohavepeopledropbyoutoftheblue.Sowhatdoyoudowhensomeonearrivesunexpectedly?Well,twowrongsdon’tmakearight,sofirst,bepolite,greettheguestsandsayhowhappyyouaretoseethem.Butremember:itisokaytosaypolitely,“It’ssonicetoseeyou,butI’msorry,thisisnotagoodtime.”Don’tfeelobligedtoreceiveguestswhenitisnotconvenient.Herearesomegraciousthingsyoumightsaytowell-meaningbutunannouncedvisitors:
•“Thankyouforstoppingby.Itmeansalottome,butI’minthemiddleof
somethingpersonal.Canwegettogetherlaterthisweek?”
•“I’msogladtoseeyou,butIamjustabouttogooutthedoor.Let’scalleachotheroverthenextfewdaysanddothatdinnerandmoviewe’vebeentalkingabout.”
•“I’msogladyoucameby,buttobehonestI’mnotfeelingwelltoday.Myplanistospendthedayinbedreadingandresting.Ihopeyoudon’tmindthatIcallyounextweekandwecansetsomethingup?”
DOORSANDDOORWAYSIntimesgoneby,itwascustomaryformentoopendoorsforwomen,whetheratthefrontentranceofaprivatehome,atarestaurantoratashop.Thiswasastrueforstrangersasitwasforfamily.Ahusband,forinstance,wouldopenthedoorforhiswifeiftheywerebothenteringthebuildingtogether;similarly,ifamanarrivedatashopatthesametimeasawomanhedidn’tknow,hewouldopenthedoorforhertoletherpassthroughfirst.Today,inpublicsettingsaswellasinprivateones,you’llseealotof
doorsslamminginpeople’sfaces—maleandfemale!Inmyopinion,itisrudeforamanorwomantonottakeafewsecondstoholdadoorforsomeone.Chivalryisstillaliveandappreciated!
HOWTOOPENADOORFORASTRANGERWhetheryouaremaleorfemale,it’spolitetoopenadoorforsomeoneifyouarebothenteringanestablishmentatthesametime.So,howdoyoudothiswithoutitbeingawkward?Ifyouareapproachingadooratexactlythesametimeassomeoneelse,avoidrunningaheadtogettothedoorfirst.Instead,keepyourpaceeven,andwhenyouarriveatthedoor,simplysay,“I’vegotit,”andreachforthedoorhandle.Asyouopenthedoor,stepasideandholdthedoorwide.Thisallowstheotherpersontopassthrougheasily.Ifyoudon’tstepaside,thepersonsteppingthroughhastosteparoundyoufirst,andmostdoorwaysarebuiltforone,nottwo!Apolitepersonwillalwayssay“Thankyou”tothepersonwhoholdsthedooropen,andyoumayrespondwith“You’re
welcome.”Oncethepersonhaspassedthethreshold,youmayfollow.
HOWTOOPENADOORFORACOMPANIONThishappensallthetime:youarewalkingsidebysidewithabusinesscolleagueorfriendandyouarriveatacloseddoor.Whoshouldopenit,andhowshouldthisbedonewithoutonepersoncrossingawkwardlyinfrontoftheotherandinterruptingthenaturalflowofconversation?Ileantowardsthetraditionalrulewhereamanandwomanareinvolved,whichcallsforthemantoopenthedoor.Butregardlessofwhoopensit,there’sacorrectway.Thepersonclosesttothedoorwhocanusehisorherrighthandtoopenitshouldbetheonetomoveforwardfirst.Thisavoidsthe“awkwardcross.”Theoneexceptionisifyourcompanionrequiresassistance(suchasanelderlyperson,orsomeonewithluggage),inwhichcaseitispolitetoexcuseyourselfforwalkinginfrontofyourcompanion,openthedoorandallowhimorhertopassthrough.
CARSAsabutler,myinteractionwithguestsbeganatthemomentofarrivalandconcludedaftertheguest’sdeparture.Ifyouareaguestatahotelthathasbutlerserviceoracarvalet,orifyouareluckyenoughtobeinvitedtoafinehomewithsuchservice,youshouldknowafewthingsabouthowfront-doorgreetingworks.
Asyourcardrivesup,thebutlerorcarvaletwillapproachthecar.Heorshemaynotimmediatelyopenthecardoor.Instead,thegoodbutlerorcarvaletwilldiscreetlylookintothecar(ifthewindowsaren’ttinted)toseeifyouarereadytogetout.Foryourpart,rememberthatyoudon’thavetorush.Ifyouareonthephone,finishyourcallbeforeyoustepout.Takethetimetogatheryourbelongingsandcollectyourself.Ifthebutlerorcarvaletopensthedoorbeforeyouarereadytoemerge,simplylethimorherknowthatyouneedamoment.Yourcardoorwillbeclosedagainandopenedonlywhenyousignalthatyouwishtostepout.Whenyouaredepartingafinehouseorhotel,thebutlerorcarvalet
willtrytoanticipateyourneedsbyhavingthecarsuppliedwithchilledbottledwater,anewspaperandotherappropriateamenities.Don’tbeshy.Ifthere’ssomethingyouneed,askforit.Agoodbutlerwillalwayshelpyouintothecarandthen,ifyouarenotdrivingyourself,signaltothedriverthatyouarereadytodepart.Youcantelltheexperiencedfromtheinexperiencedbutlerorvaletbythewaytheysignalthedriver.Aknockonthehoodofthecarratherthanataponthewindowisconsideredunprofessional,becausethesoundtravelsinsidetothepassenger.Inasocialsituation,it’sanicetouchforamantoopenthecardoor
forawoman;however,inabusinesssetting,it’sbesttoletawomanopenherowndoor.Eitherway,ifthewomaniswearingadressorskirt,it’sapolitegestureforthemantooffertoslideintothebackseatfirst.Why?Ifyoudon’tknow,that’sbecauseyou’venevertriedtoslideacrossabackseatwhilewearingaskirt!Anywomanwilltellyouthatit’sachallengetodothisgracefully,andagentlemanwhoquietlysays,“Perhapsit’seasiestifIgetinfirst?”issavingthewomanfromawkwardness.
PASSENGERETIQUETTEIfyouareaguestinsomeone’scar,berespectful.Don’tchangetheradiostation,adjusttheheatsettingor,heavenforbid,lightupacigarette.Ifyouareuncomfortablewiththetemperature,politelyaskthedrivertochangeit.Youcanadjusttheseatifnecessary,though.Also,ifyouaredrivingaguestinyourcar,rememberthatthere’snothingworsethanfeelingunsafeinsomeoneelse’svehicle.Drivecautiouslyandalertly.Ifforanyreasonyouneedtoslamonthebrakesorswervetoavoidacollision,apologizetoyourpassenger.Avoidthetemptationtoinsult,swearorcomplainaboutotherdrivers—unless,thatis,you’reonamissiontoneverdrivetheseguestsanywhereagain!
MAKINGINTRODUCTIONSMakingintroductionscorrectlyiscrucial,andthishasnothingtodowithold-fashionedmannersandeverythingtodowithmakingpotentiallyuncomfortablesituationssimpleandstress-free.Introductionsusedtobemuchmoreformalthantheyarenow.Overtime,theruleshaverelaxed.Now,mostintroductionsgoasfollows:“Harry,thisismyfriendSally.”Mybeliefisthatthisrelaxedwayofintroducingpeoplehasbecomethenormsimplybecausewedon’tknowwhatelsetodo.
Therearesituationswherethiskindofinformalintroductionisn’tappropriate,andafewsimpleguidelinescanhelpeveryoneinvolvedfeelmoreatease.Here’showtobecomethemasteroftheintroduction.
1.Introducethepersonoflesserstatustothepersonofhigherstatus.Statusmaybebasedonrank,orderofprecedenceorage.Herearesomeexamples:
•Inabusinesssetting,thejunioremployeeisintroducedtothesenioremployee,regardlessofgenderorage.
•Inmostcircumstances,theyoungerpersonisintroducedtotheolderperson.
•Insocialsituations,themanisgenerallyintroducedtothewoman(regardlessofstatus).
2.Forintroductionsinvolvingmultiplepeople,mentionthenameofthemostimportantpersonfirst.
3.Whenintroducingdignitariesorotherdistinguishedpeople,usetheword“present”insteadoftheword“introduce,”asin,“YourGrace,mayIpresentMr.MacPherson?”
4.Ifdignitariesarenotpresent,butyouwouldstillliketointroducepeopleformally,youmaydosointhefollowingway:“MayIintroducetoyouMr.MacPhersonfromCanada?”
5.DorotheaJohnson,founderoftheprestigiousProtocolSchoolofWashington,advisesthatwhenmakingformalintroductions,oneshouldneversay,“John,mayIpresentyoutoCarol?”Thecorrectphrasingis,“presenttoyou.”Sheoffersacleverwayforustorememberthedifference.ThinkoftherockbandU2.Rockbandsaren’tknownfortheiretiquette,sothisorderisincorrect.“Toyou,”unlikethebandname,willalwaysbecorrect!
6.Correctlypronouncenamesandusecorrecttitles.Thismightrequireabitofresearchinadvance,butitwillunquestionablybeworthit.
7.Makeeyecontact.
8.Smileandspeakinawarmandfriendlytone.
9.Speakclearly.
Makingintroductionscanbeintimidating.Ifyou’reunsureofetiquette,practiseathome,overandoveragain,untilyouknowthebasics.Youwantthecorrectwordstorolloffyourtongue.Properintroductionsareprobablynotsomethingyou’lleverbecomplimentedfor,evenifpeopledoadmireyourgraceandstyle.Butifyougetanintroductionwrong,believeme,peoplewillnotice…
THEDO’SANDDON’TSOFAHANDSHAKE
Thehandshakeisakeypointofetiquettebecauseit’sanimportantaspectofmakingafirstimpression.Abadlyexecutedhandshake,poorlytimed,willinevitablycreateanegativeimpression.Youhaveprobablyexperiencedahandshakebya“bonecrusher.”Thishappenswhenahandshakeisperformedwithsuchforcethatitactuallyhurts.Thiskindofgreetingdoesnotshowdominance,assomepeoplebelieve;rather,itmakesthepersonexecutingthehandshakelooklikeacallousidiot.Thefootballerwhoisintroducedtoaballerinaandwhousesa“bonecrusher”handshakeisnotendearinghimselftothedancer.Quitetheopposite,infact.
So,whatmakesahandshakeeffective?Itshouldbegenuineandfriendly;itshouldnotbetentativeorindifferent.Thepalmshouldbewarmanddry,notcoldandclammy.Ifyoudohaveclammyhands,keepthemoutofyourpocketssothataircirculates,andcarryasmall
handkerchiefinyourrighthandthatyoucansubtlypasstoyourlefthandbehindyourbackbeforeyoushake.Remember:yourgripshouldbefirmandstrong(butnotbone-crushing!);itshouldnotbelimpandlifeless.Balanceisthekeytoagoodhandshake.
THINGSTOREMEMBERWHENSHAKINGHANDS
•Maintaineyecontact.(ThisisaWesternapproach.RememberthatinAsiaandAfrica,eyecontactisoftenconsidereddisrespectful,sodon’tbeoffendedbythisculturaldifference,andadaptyourapproachtothecontext.)
•Smilewarmly.
•Focusyourattentiononthepersontowhomyou’rebeingintroducedorwhoisbeingintroducedtoyou.
•Listentowhatthepersoninfrontofyouissaying.
•Keepyourhandopenandconnect“webtoweb”(palmtopalm).
•Gaugethedurationofthehandshakebypayingcloseattentiontotheotherperson.Agoodruleofthumbistopumpyourhandthreetimesorforaboutthreeseconds.
WHENTOSHAKESOMEONE’SHANDIt’simportanttoknowwhentoshakesomeone’shand—aswellaswhennotto.Agoodruleofthumbistoofferahandshakemoreoftenthannot.Inbusiness,thisincludesthefollowingsituations:
•Meetingco-workersforthefirsttime—bothupongreetingandsayinggoodbye.
•Beingintroducedtonewbusinesscontacts.
•Congratulatingsomeone.
DONOTOFFERAHANDSHAKEWHEN:
•Thepersonyouwishtogreetisofahigherrankorposition.Waitforthisindividualtoofferhisorherhandfirst.
•Beginninganinterview.Followtheleadoftheinterviewer.
•Theotherpersonhastheirhandsfull.
•Whentravellinginternationally,bewareoflocalcustomsandcross-gendercontact.Alwaystaketheleadfromlocals.
Becauseoffearsoverthetransmissionofviruses,therearetimes,forexampleduringabadfluseason,whenpeoplemayfeelparticularlyuncomfortableshakinghands.Infactitmayhavepeoplerunningforthehandsanitizer.(Ifyou’retheoneconcernedaboutthespreadofgerms,remembertorunforthehandsanitizerdiscreetly.)
THEFISTBUMPEversinceHowieMandel,agreatCanadianandself-proclaimedgermaphobe,startedofferingafistbumpinsteadofahandshake,thisnewgreetingmethodtookoff.Infact,fistbumpsaresaidtoreducethespreadofgermsbyupto90%,whichiswelcomenewsincoldandfluseason!Whendoingthefistbump,simplytouchknucklestogetherwithclosedfists,withlittleornoforce.
HOWTOOFFERYOURBUSINESSCARD
Theetiquetteforhandingoutabusinesscardisjustasimportantasthatforshakingsomeone’shand.WhilebusinesscardetiquetteismuchmorerelaxedinWesterncultures,itisstillimportanttoberespectfulinhowyouapproachthisexchange.ThemoreformalAsianmethodofofferingabusinesscardwithtwohandsisbecomingmorecommonaroundtheworld.WhatIfindinterestingisthatwhenyouusethismethodintheWest,peopleareimpressed.Itmakesyouappearbothworldlyandknowledgeabletousetheformalstyle.Followtheprotocolbelowandyouwillnevergowrong.Insomecultures,thebusinesscardisconsideredarepresentationoftheownerandthereforeshouldbetreatedwithrespect.Makeapointofreviewingthecardandcommentingonitbeforeputtingitaway.
Donotofferyourbusinesscardusingjustonehand.Thisisconsideredarrogantandsuggeststhattheinformationonyourcardisunimportant.
Donotofferyourbusinesscardholdingthebottomofthecard.Thisisawkwardforthepersonwhoreceivesit.
CUBICLESWhenRobertPropstofthefamedHermanMillerofficefurniture
companydesignedthecubicleworkstation,itwasmeanttoofferaproductivewaytomoveteamsaroundduringproject-basedassignments.Today,theofficecubicleisastapleinmostbusinesses,andnevermoves.Asforward-thinkingasMr.Propstwas,Idon’tthinkheeverimaginedtheetiquetteissueshisofficedesignswouldcreate.Belowaremytoptipsforcourteouscubiclebehaviour:
•Beawarethatotherscanhearyou,anddoyourbesttokeepyourpersonalnoisetoaminimum.
•Neverborrowitemsfromaco-worker’scubiclewithoutaskingfirst.Justbecausetheareaisopentopassers-bydoesn’tmeanthatitscontentsareupforgrabs.
•Thecubicleisn’taplacetopaintyournailsorwalkaroundinyoursocks.Don’tpassitemsoveracubiclewall,either.Rememberthatyourprivacyislimited,anddon’tdoanythingyouwouldn’tbecomfortablewiththeCEOseeing!
•Manypeopleeatlunchattheirdesksnowadays,eventhoughthisisgenerallyconsideredalapseinetiquette.Thatbeingsaid,ifyoudoeatatyourdesk,beawareoffoododoursandbeconsiderateofyourneighbourswhomaynotappreciatetheleftoversmellfromyourlunch.Forthesamereason,besuretodisposeofyourgarbageinthecommonlunchroomratherthaninthepersonalgarbagebinbyyourdesk.
•Eventhoughcubiclesdon’tusuallyhavedoors,rememberthatit’ssomeone’spersonalspace.You’llnevergowrongbyknockingandwaitingtobeinvitedin,andalwaysaskbeforetakingaseatintheguestchair.
•Weallloveaspacethatreflectsourpersonality,butmakesureyourpersonalitems,suchasphotographsandknick-knacks,donotoverwhelmyourcubiclearea.Yes,it’syouroffice,butinabusinessenvironmentit’sbettertoerrontheconservativeside.
•Never,evereavesdroponothers’conversations.Itisnotonlyrude,it
alsomakespeoplefeelhighlyuncomfortable.Regardlessofwhethertheconversationisabusinessorpersonalone,doyourbesttoblockouttheinformationandrespectyourcolleagues’privacy.
HOWTOCALCULATEATIPTippingisasocialcustomthatvariesthroughouttheworld,andIamconstantlyaskedhowtodeterminewhatthecorrectgratuityshouldbeindifferentsituations.I’vecompiledachartonthenextpagetohelpsteeryouthroughsomeofthemostcommoncircumstanceswhereatipwouldbeinvolved.
BUTLER’STIP
Ifadoorpersonhailsataxiforyoufromaresidentialbuilding,thereisnoneedtotiphimorher.Butdotipif
you’releavingahotelorrestaurant.
TIPSBYCOUNTRY
NorthAmerica UK Europe
Restaurants 15–20% 10–15%* 10–15%*†
Bellman $1–2/bag £1–2/bag €1–2/bag
Housekeeping $2–5/day‡ £1–2/day‡ €1–2/day‡
RoomService 10–15%* 10%–15%* 10%–15%*
Concierge$10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided
£10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided
€10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided
$1–2 £1–2 €1–2
Doorman forhailingacab
$1–2/bagforcarryingluggage
forhailingacab
£1–2/bagforcarryingluggage
forhailingacab
€1–2/bagforcarryingluggage
Taxis 10–15% 10–15% 10%
Hairdresser 15–20% 10% 10%
TourGuides/Drivers 15–20%ofexcursion 10%ofexcursion €2–5/person
ValetParking $2–5whencarisreturned
£1–2whencarisreturned
€1–2whencarisreturned
Japan China HongKong
Restaurants None None§ 10–15%*
Bellman None§ ¥5–10/bag HK$10–20/bag
Housekeeping None ¥10–15/day HK$10–20/day‡
RoomService None None 10–15%*
Concierge None NoneHK$20–50/requestdependingontheserviceprovided
Doorman None None
HK$10–20forhailingacab
HK$10–20/bagforcarryingluggage
Taxis None None Notexpected;roundup
Hairdresser None None 10%
TourGuides/Drivers
¥2500–5000(10%)foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor
thedriver§
¥80–150foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor
thedriver§
HK$100–150foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor
thedriver
ValetParking None ¥5–10 HK$10–20whencarisreturned
*ifnoservicechargeisincluded†A15%serviscomprisisgenerallyincluded,thoughit’sokaytoleaveextra(upto10%incash)
‡withanotewritten“Housekeeping–thankyou”andleftinanobviousplace§Thoughtippingisnotcustomarythereareacoupleofoccasionswhereitisacceptedi.e.full-
servicetraditionalinnsandhigh-endrestaurants.Alwaysplacethetipinasmallenvelopeandpresentitdiscreetly.Handingoutmoneywithoutanenvelopeisconsideredimpolite.Forguidesanddrivers,tipshouldbegivenatthestartoftheday.
PEOPLEMAYBEUNSUREwhenitcomestoentertainingbecausetheysimplydon’tknowwhattodoorhowtoconductthemselves.Ifindithelpfultorememberthepurposeofetiquette:toshowrespecttoothers.Thisistruewhenyou’reentertainingandwhenyou’reaguestinsomeone’shome.Whetherit’sknowingwhichforktouseatthelunchtableorhowtointroducepeopleatacocktailreception,entertainmentetiquetteshouldnotbefeared,butembraced.Mygoalistoputyouateasesoyou’renotanticipatinganeventwithfearinyourheart,wondering,“HowamIgoingtogetthroughthis?”Asaformersocietycaterer,Iknowtherearetwoimportantrulesto
followwhenentertaining:
1.Makesureeveryonehasadrinkinhand.
2.Makesureeveryonehassomeonetotalkto.
Believeitornot,thesetwotipsaremoreimportantthanthedécor,themusicorthefoodbeingserved.Atanygatheringyouhost,ifyoucanjustmakesurepeoplefeelcomfortable,relaxedandconnectedwithothers,youreventwillbeasuccess.Anotherthingtoconsider,beforeyouentertain,istheshopping.Ifind
thebiggestmistakepeoplemakeisthattheywaituntilthelastminutetoprepare.Ifyouknowyouaregoingtohaveapartyintwoweeks,buyitemsforyourbaraheadoftime.Aprofessionalbutlerwouldbedeadfromexhaustionifheweweretotrytoprepareeveryaspectofapartyonthesameday.IusedtohaveasmallapartmentontheUpperWestSideof
Manhattan.Myapartment,likemanyinManhattan,hadatinykitchen.Cookingmealsforacrowdwasaseriouschallenge,especiallygiventhatIhadonlyalittlebarfridge—anditwasinmyhomeoffice,notinthekitchen!Asaformercatererandasabutler,IstudiedmyspaceandcameupwithaformulathatallowedmetoentertainasthoughIhadabigflatonParkAvenue.Myfirstrulewastonevergreetguestsatmyapartmentdoor.When
guestswouldcallfromdownstairs,Iwouldbuzzthemintothebuilding
andmeettheminthehallwayattheelevatoroutsidemyapartment.Iwouldwelcomethemthereandtaketheircoatsandanyparcels,sothatbythetimeIopenedmydoorandtheyenteredmyhome,thepreliminarieshadbeentakencareof.Ialsocontainedtheclutterimmediatelybyusingmyofficeasacloakroom.Next,IfoundaperfectlittlespotinmylivingroomwhereIsetupaself-servebar.Mysecondrulewastopourgueststheirfirstdrink.Afterthat,Iinvitedeachguesttohelphimselforherselftothehandy,self-servebar.Whenitcomestofood,peoplealwayshavethebestofintentions,butunlessyoucancookthroughouttheparty,complicatedmenuseitherfail(nothingevergoesasplannedwhenyou’reinarush),oryouasthehostresenttheworkbecauseyouspendallyourtimealoneinthekitchen.Noonewantsthat—notyouandnotyourguests—sowhat’sthebestwaytodealwiththisproblem?Ifyoucan’thireprofessionalcaterers,that’sokay.Instead,prepareabuffetmenuthatiseasybothforyouandyourguests.WhileworkingatthefamousrestaurantFenton’sinToronto,Ilearnedhowtopreparecheesetraysthatwereattractive,interestinganddelicious.WhenIentertainedforsmallorlargegroups,thecheeseboardwasthecentrepieceofmycoffeetable.Iprepareditaheadoftimesothattheworkwasdone,andtheboardincludedavarietyofsoft,mediumandhardcheeses,frommildtostrong.Imadetwoboardsinadvance,sothatwhenthefirstonestartedtolookmessyandpickedover,Icoulddoaquickswapandpresentafreshplatter.Iwoulddesigntheentirebuffetaroundonehotitem,suchasabeefsteworaquiche.Theotherfoodswereservedatroomtemperature.ThismademyjobeasybecauseIcouldlayouttheentiretablebeforeguestsarrivedandthenspendmytimewiththem,ratherthanfussingwiththefood.Forlunchordinner,theadditionalitemsonthetablewouldincludesalads,pâtés,smokedsalmon,freshfruits,cakes,miniaturepastriesandsoon.Atypicalbreakfastbuffetatmyhousewouldincludefreshfruit,painsauchocolatandcroissants,cheeseandcrackersandmeringues.
PartofthesecrettomyentertainingsuccesswasthatIturnedmyCanadianantiquediningtable(whichcouldholdonlyfourorfivecomfortably)intoabuffettable.Myapartmentlivingroomcouldthenholdtentotwelvepeople,andeveryonewouldhaveaplacetosit.AndallofthefoodthatIservedhadtobewhatIcall“forkfood”—foodeasilyeatenwithjustaforkandnoknife.Iwouldwritethemenuonacard,soguestswouldknowwhathadbeensetoutandwhatwasstilltocome.Whenyouhostanykindofgathering,itisimportanttowatchyourguestsandensurethattheyarehavingagoodtime.Dotheyhaveadrink?Dotheyappeartobeenjoyingthecompanyofthosethey’retalkingto,ordotheyneedtoberescued?Ibelievethatasahostyoucannevertotallyrelax.Thatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tenjoyyourownparty,buttomakeitasuccessyouneedtoattendtoyourguests,andthisattentioniswhatallowsthemtorelaxandhaveagreattime.Thatsaid,whenanelementofyourpartygoesawry(whichitoftendoes),don’tshowyourfrustration.Asthehostorhostess,youaretheonlyonewhoknowsexactlywhatthepartywassupposedtolooklike;ifyoushareyouranxietywithyourcompany,everyonewillrealizethatyou’vemadeamistake.Also,don’tbeasnob.Ifyouknowcertainrulesofetiquettebutsomeoneinyourhomedoesnot,itisrudeandinappropriatetoadvisethemandmakethemfeeluncomfortable.Alwaysbekindandgraciousevenwhenothersarenot.Andfinally,wheneverIentertain,Iliketohavebunchesoffreshflowers,pleasingbackgroundmusic(atalowvolume),and,nomatterwhat,IorganizemyselfsothatIhavethirtyminutesbeforeguestsarrivetositinmylivingroomandrelax—ideallywithadrinkinhand.Ifyoucandoallthis,Iguaranteeyourpartywillbeahit!Whenitcomesto
entertaining,whetheryouarethehostortheguest,youhavearoleandaresponsibility.InthissectionofThePocketButlerwewilllookathowtocontributetocreatingasuccessfulsocialevent—andI’llevengiveyouhintsastohowtowelcomeanunexpectedovernightguest.Hopefully,knowingsomeoftheserulesandtipswillhelpyouandyourgueststofeelmoreateaseineverysituation.
HOSTANDHOSTESSGIFTSPersonallyIfindtheobsessionwithhostandhostessgiftsunnecessary.WhenIhavebeenaguestatsomeone’shome,Imuchprefertowaittillafterthedinnerandsendabouquetoffreshflowerswithahandwrittennote.Thehostandhostessmightactuallyhaveamomenttoenjoythem!
Giftscancreateakindofsocialstress.Shouldtherecipientopenthemrightaway?Shouldflowersbedisplayedrightaway(whichmeansscurryingawaytofindandfilltherightvase)?Shouldthehostandhostessservethewineandchocolatesthattheirguestsbrought?Shouldgiftsbedisplayedandannouncedinfrontofotherguests?Doesthehostorhostessneedtosendathank-younotetoguestsfortheirpresents(resultinginguests’andhosts’thank-youscrossingpaths)?Toavoidtheseconundrumsandothers,Isay,ifpossibleandappropriate,givethegiftafterthepartyinsteadofduringit,andkeepthegiftsimple.Evenahandwrittenthank-younoteisalovelywaytoexpressgratitude.Also,considergivingthehostorhostessatrulymemorablegiftthatwillbeusedoverandoveragaininsteadofdiscarded—acopyofthisbook!
DRESSCODE
Whenwearedressedappropriately,wefeelgoodaboutourselvesandweputourbestfootforward.Andyes,thelittleblackcocktaildress(forwomen)andthenavysuit(formen)areidealgarmentstohaveinyourwardrobe.IremembergoingforlunchattheYorkClubinToronto.Iwasyoungandfoolish,andIarrivedwithoutajacket.Whoknewyouhadtohaveajacketforlunch?Icertainlydidnot.Iwasterriblyembarrassed.NotonlywasIbarredentry,butthepersonwhoinvitedmeabandonedmeatthefrontdoorandwentinforlunchbyhimself.Inevermadethatmistakeagain,andwhereverI’mdining,Imakesuretohaveajacketonhand!Dependingonlocalcustoms,acountry’snationaldressisalsoappropriateattireforformalfunctions.
BUTLER’STIP
If,whilehosting,youreceiveflowers,maketheefforttodisplaytheminavase.Youcanalwaystrimand
arrangethemproperlythenextmorning.
DRESSINGGUIDEBYOCCASION
InvitationTerm Men WomenBlacktailcoat,matchingtrouserswithasinglestripeofsatinorbraidinAmericaortwostripesinEurope,whitepiqué
WhiteTie
wing-collaredshirtwithstifffront,whitevest,whitebowtie,whiteorgreygloves,blackpatentshoesandblackdresssocks.
Formaleveninggown.
BlackTie
Blacktuxedoordinnerjacket,whiteFrench-cuffedformalshirt,bowtieandcummerbundorvest,whitesilkorlinenhandkerchiefinthebreastpocket(optional),blacksocks,blackpatentleathershoes.Awhitedinnerjacketwithblacktrousersisperfectlyacceptableinthesummer,oronacruise.
Formaleveningdressorcocktaildress.
Manymenviewthisasawelcomeopportunitytowearformalattire.Anavy
Formaleveningdress,cocktaildressordressy
BlackTieOptional blueorblacksuitwithawhiteFrench-cuffeddressshirtandaneleganttieisappropriate.
separates.
Semi-Formal
Nochancetosportyourtuxedohere.Thesafestbetistowearanavyblueorblacksuitwithadressshirtandtie.
Shortafternoonorcocktaildress,oralongdressyskirtandablouseortop.
BusinessAttire
Evenifyounormallyconductyourbusinessfromahomeofficewearingadressinggown,thisdresscodemeansasuit,dressshirtandtie.
Women’sbusinesssuit.
BusinessCasual
Slackswithanappropriatesportsjacketwithopen-collarshirt.Businesscasualisaclassic,neatandrelaxedlook,yetstillprofessional.Whenindoubt,errontheconservativeside.
Reasonable-lengthdaydress,neatandpulledtogetherseparatessuchasskirtorslackswithappropriateblouseortop,orapantsuit.
Note:Ifyouhaveapet,besuretocheckyourselfoverforhairwheneveryouleavethehouse.Keepaminiaturelintbrushonhand,andevenifyoumissafewstrayhairs,you’llbeabletoremedythesituationquickly.
TABLESETTINGBASICS
Settingatablecanbefun,andwheneverpossibleIliketodoitaheadoftime,evenforsimplefunctions,sothatIdon’ttiremyselfoutjustbeforemyguestsarrive.Whenitcomesto“tabletopdesign,”asthe“fancypeople”liketocallsettingatable,thefashionissimpleandelegant.Nomatterwhatkindofhomeyouhave,youwantatabletobeinvitingforyourguestsandtoreflectyourpersonaltasteandstyle.I’vebeentoadinnerpartywherethehostputthreesimpleGrannySmithapplesonawoodentrayinthemiddleofthetablewithlotsoflittlevotivecandlesaroundthem.Thiswasthecentrepiece,anditlookedasbeautifulasanygalafloralarrangementatafinehotel.
Sadly,thedaysofowningmanydifferentsetsofchinaaregone,mostlybecauseourhomesaresmallerandveryfewofushaveahouseholdstaffwhocanpolishsilverandtendtothedifferentsetsofplates.Consequently,it’sbesttokeepyourflatwareandchinasimple.Thiswillallowyoutomixandmatchitwithdifferentcentrepieces,flowers,tableclothsandnapkins.Ilovewhitedishesforthisveryreason.Asabutlerandasahost,withtheseIcanmakeatablelookuniqueandappropriatenomatterwhattheevent.Beforeyoubegin,thinkcarefully;makedecisionsfirst,beforeactuallydoinganything.Whenweactwithoutthinkingaheadtheendresultisoftenlessthanperfect.
Considerthefollowingdetails:
•Whatisthepurposeofthemeal?Isitformalorinformal;amealforfamilyorforbusinessassociates?
•Howmanyguestswillattend?
•Whatisthesizeofyourtable?
•Whatmenuwouldworkbest?Howmanycourses?
•Willyourdinnerbeplatedinthekitchenorservedatthetable?
•Whatisthestyleofyourhome,andofyourflatwareandtableware?
Takeamethodicalapproachtowardssettingthetable,beginningwithanindividualplacesettingandmakingsureeverydetailisinplace.Onceyouaresatisfiedwithyourefforts,settherestofthetable.Intheend,yourguestswillnoticeandappreciatetheoveralleffect.
CHINAChinamanufacturersusenouniversalsizesorstandards;however,herearesomeguidelinesforpurchasingchinaorplanningwhichpiecestouseforareception.
•Stylesofchinacanbemixedaslongastheyarecomplementaryandworkwelltogether.
•Platesofdifferentshapeshavedifferentpurposesandaresuitablefordifferentfooditems.Whencombiningdifferentplatesandpatterns,thinkabouttheeffectforthepersonsittingatthetable.
•Considerhowplateswillworkforservice.Plateswithlowrimsaremoredifficulttoclear,especiallyifsetonchargers—aflat,decorativeplatethatsitsunderthedinnerplate.
PLATES
COFFEEANDTEASERVICE
BUTLER’STIP
Ifyouhavespentalotondishes,storethemproperly!Placefeltlinersornapkinsbetweendishestoprevent
scratches.
SERVINGDISHES
Lefttoright:CHOPPLATE(FORPORK,LAMBOROTHERCHOPS),RECTANGULARTRAYWITHHANDLES,DIVIDEDSERVINGDISH(USUALLYFORSERVINGTWOKINDSOF
VEGETABLES),SQUARECAKEPLATTER,OVALPLATTER
SERVINGBOWLS
CUTLERYFromthedayswheneveryoneusedtocarryaroundaknifeandspoontoparties,totoday,whenthehostorhostesshasafullsetofcutlery,hereisanillustrationofallthepiecesyouneedtoknow.
SERVINGUTENSILS
Lefttoright:MEATFORK,FISHFORK,FISHKNIFE,PASTASERVER,PASTAFORK,PASTRY
SERVER,CAKESERVER
Lefttoright:BUTTERKNIFE,CAKEKNIFE,KNIFEANDSTEEL,CARVINGFORK
GLASSWAREGlassesforredwinetendtobelargerthanthoseforwhitewineandtheyalsohaveawiderbelly,allowingthebouquetofthewinetomixwiththeair.Ifyoucan’ttellwhichglassiswhich,placethemsidebyside.Thelargerglassisusuallyforred.
COLLINSGLASS:ThisistraditionallyusedforaTomCollinsoricedtea.Thisglassisverytallandnarrow.
HIGHBALLGLASS:Thisisthemostcommonlyusedglassforlargemixeddrinks.
DOUBLEOLD-FASHIONED:Thisisthemostcommonlyusedglassforsmallermixeddrinks,orforliquorservedeitherontherocksorstraightup.
BUTLER’STIP
Thebiggertheglass,themorepeopledrink.Ifyouwanttobeeconomical,usesmallerglasses.
HOWTOHOLDADINNERKNIFEANDFORKKnowinghowtoproperlyholdandusecutleryisanimportantaspectofpropertablemanners.Thetipsandillustrationsthatfollowwillshowyouhow.
Placeyourforefingerontopoftheknife.Thisgivesyoumorecontrolof
theknifewhencuttingfood.
Withthetinesfacingdown,holdtheforkinasimilarfashionastheknife,byplacingyourforefingerontheforkhandle.Thiswillgiveyoumorecontrolwhenyouspearthefood.
Neverholdtheforkwithaclenchedfist.Itisnotapitchfork!
Neverholdtheforkbythetipofthehandle.Youwon’thaveafirmenoughgrip.
TABLE-SETTINGPROCESSWhilefashionintablesettingshaschangedoverthecenturies,affectingtheflatware,glasswareandchinaweuse,themethodofsettingatableremainsexactlythesame.
ThisisthebasicmethodIrecommend:
1.Setjustoneplacesettingfirst.Don’ttrytosettheentiretableatonceastherewillonlybemoretoundoifyoudon’tlikehowitlooks.Makesuretheplacementiscorrectandthatyouarehappywithit.
2.Next,taketherestofthechargersormaincourseplatesandplacethemaroundthetablewhereyouwanttopositionalltheotherplacesettings.Keepthespacingbetweensettingsequidistant.Oncetheyareproperlypositioned,organizeutensilsandglasswarearoundthem.
3.Checkforsymmetry.Whydowecaresomuchaboutthis?Becausethehumaneyelovessymmetry.Whenthingsarenotsymmetricaloureyeseesimperfection.Usethebutlerstickforthis!(Seethispage)
THENORTHAMERICANPLACESETTINGInthistablesetting,theglassesformadiamondshapeabovethecutlery,withthefirstglassplaceddirectlyabovethemaincourseknife(inside,right).Thedessertspoonandtheforkareatthetopoftheplate,andabovethemistheplacecard.Guestsusethecutleryfromtheoutsidemovingin.Thisplacesettingstartswithasoupcourse(spoon,outsideright),movesontoasalad(fork,outsideleft),afishcourse(middleforkandknife)andameatcourse(insideforkandknife).
THEASIANPLACESETTINGInAsia,unliketheWesternworld,thereisnostandardforformalplacesettingsattables.Infact,thefocusisonthefoodratherthantheplacesetting.Thediagramshowsatypicalplacesetting,butitcaneasilybechangedtosuityourneedswithoutmakinganyerrorsofetiquette.
USINGABUTLER’SSTICKOneofthefirstrulesofformaltablesettingisthe24-inchrule.Thisreferstotheidealamountofspacefromthecentreofoneplatetothecentreofthenextplate,allowingeachguestplentyofelbowroom.Youmayneedtodecreasethedistanceifyourtableisnotlargeenoughtoallow24inchesbetweensettings.
BUTLER’STIP
AtrendinAsiantablesettingsistoprovidetwosetsofchopsticks:aninnersetforpersonaluse,andtheoutersettobeusedbyguestswhenhelpingthemselvesto
communalfood.
Theidealdistancefromthebackofachairtotheedgeofthetableisalso24inches.Thisallowsgueststositcomfortably.Agoodbutlerwillusehisorherbutlersticktotakethesetwomeasurements.Today,fewpeopleusebutlerstickstosettheirdailydinnertables,andtobetruthful,eventhecontemporarybutlerdoesn’tnecessarilyusethetooleveryday.Butwhenthereisaspecialoccasion—suchasanimportantfamilybirthdayoranniversary—thebutlerstickcanbeofuse.Thisishowaprofessionalbutlerwouldsetthediningtablewithabutlerstick.
STEP1:Alignthebottomofthebutlerstickwiththeedgeofthetable.Thebaselineforaplacesettingshouldbeaboutoneinchfromtheedgeofthetable—thewidthofthebutlerstick.
STEP2:Alignallthecutlery,theplateandthenapkintotouchthetopofthebutlerstick.Thiswillcreatetheperfectstraightedgeforyourplacesetting.Theplateshouldbecentredatthe0,thecentreofthebutlerstick.
STEP3:Ideally,placethefirstknife1to1.5inchesawayfromtheplate.Continueusingthissamemetricfortherestofthecutlerysothatitisallequidistant.Youmaychoosetoreducetheamountofspacebetweenitemsofcutleryifyourtablespaceislimited.What’simportantistokeepeverythingconsistent.
STEP4:Asyoumovearoundthetablecreatingeachplacesetting,usethesamemeasurements.
STEP5:Tohelpachieveabeautifulplacesetting,striveforaccuracy,andhorizontalandverticalsymmetry.
NAPKINFOLDINGInVictorianandEdwardiantimes,fanciernapkinfoldswerethemarkofwell-trainedandsophisticatedhouseholdstaff.Asthehotelindustryflourishedinthetwentiethcentury,fancynapkinfoldsremainedimportantandcontinuedtosuggestrefinement.Thiswasoneofthewayshotelsmimickedthesophisticationofaristocraticestates.Asbeautifulasthesenapkinfoldsare,themoderntrendistowardsa
simplerstyle.Infact,overlyintricatefoldsmaybeseenasasignofalackofsophistication,andevenasunhygienic:aprofessionalbutlerwilldoeverythinginhispowertoavoidtouchingyournapkin,andthatincludeskeepingthefoldassimpleaspossible.Waitstaffinmodernrestaurants,however,sometimesplacenapkinsonthelapsoftheirpatrons.Thisdifferenceinetiquetteisonethattellsmewhethersomeonehasbeentrainedbyahotelorinabutlerschool.Havingsaidthis,therearesomebeautifulnapkinfoldsthatare
appropriateforspecialoccasions.IllustratedherearethreefoldsthatIuseregularly.Myall-timefavourite,afoldIuseoverandoverforitssimplicityandelegance,isthemonogramnapkinfold.
MONOGRAM
CHEVRON
FRENCHLILY
MENUCARDSIoftennoticethatwhenpeopleseeamenucardonatabletheyimmediatelythinkthatthemealisveryformal.Iseemenucardsnotasa
formalitybutmoreasareallygreatcommunicationtoolforyourguests,toexplainwhatthemenuisallabout.Becausemenucardsgenerallytellyouhowmanycoursesthemealwillhaveandwhatdrinkswillbeserved,theyhelptoguideyousothatyouknowtoeitherpaceyourself,basedonthenumberofcoursestobeserved,orenjoyeverythingonyourplate!Forme,Ifindthattheinformationallowsmetorelaxandenjoymymealmuchmore.
HOWTOCORRECTLYWRITEAMENUCARDThesimpleformatofamenucardhasnotchangedovertime.Whenwritingamenucard,keepyourlanguageclear.Itispretentioustouseforeign-languagedescriptionsonanEnglishmenucardunlesscitingthepropernameofadish—forexample,coqauvin.Menucardsmaybeprintedortyped.Forpersonalevents,theymayevenbehandwritten.
HOWTOPREPAREACHEESEPLATECheeseismorepopulartodaythanever.Althoughcheesewascommonlyservedatthediningtableasitsowncourse,therelaxedformalitiesoftodaymeanthecheesecourseatthedinnertableisratherrare.Ithas
nowbecomepopularduringthecocktailhouratparties.Cheeseaspartofthehorsd’oeuvrescourseiswonderful.Onceserved
itdoesnotrequireanyfurthereffortfromthehostorhostess,andguestscanhelpthemselves.Themostimportantdetailwhenservingcheeseistoserveitatroomtemperature!Mostcheeseplateshavejustcomeoutoftherefrigeratorandaretoocold.Acoldbriehasnoflavour,butaroom-temperaturebriethathasbeenoutoftherefrigeratorforafewhourscomesaliveandisadelicacy.Cheesewillnotgobadquickly,sodon’tworryaboutthat.Whenslicingcheeseforyourself,includeboththeheartandtherindsothateveryonegetsanequalshareofthevariousflavours.
Thewaycheeseisservedlargelydependsonitsshape.Herearesomesamplecheesesandrecommendedmethodsforcutting.
BUTLER’STIP
Whenaddingbreadtoacheeseplate,cutjustafewslicesatatime.Breadcangostalequickly,soleaveouttheloafandacuttingboardforgueststohelp
themselves.
Pont-l’ÉvêqueAsquarecheese,thishasawhite-orangerindandisrichandsoft,withacreamy,full-bodiedflavour.
TommeTommecanbemadefromcow’smilkorgoat’smilk.Thetastevariesfromnuttytocitrusydependingonthetypeofmilkused.Thetexturerangesfromsemi-softtocrumbly.
BrieThiscow’smilkcheesehasanedible,softwhiterind.Thetasterangesfromlightanddelicatetorichandbuttery.
CamembertThistraditionalFrenchcheesefromtheNormandyregionhasasoftediblerindwithadelicatenuttyandmildsaltytaste.
PicodonThissoftgoat’smilkcheesefromtheRhône-Alpesregionhasamildflavour.Withage,thetexturebecomescrumblyandtheflavourmorepronounced.
ValençayApyramid-shapedgoat’smilkcheese,Valençayhasasmoothanddensetexture,withamildlemonytaste.
EpoissesMadeintheBurgundyregionofFrance,thispungent,creamy-texturedcow’smilkcheeseisrichandsalty.
EmmentalThistraditionalSwisscheesehasafirm,smoothtexturewithamildtonuttyflavour.
Whenyoumakeacheeseplatter,youshouldpresentavarietyofsoftcheese(suchasbrie)andhardcheese(suchasanagedcheddar).Includeamildcheeseaswell(suchasValençay),andastrongorsharpcheese(suchasbluecheese).Youwon’tbeabletodictatehowyourguestssampleyourcheeses,butwheneatingcheeseyourself,alwaysstartwiththemildestvarietyandworktowardsthestrongest.Goingtheoppositewaymayoverwhelmyourpalate,andyouwon’tbeabletoenjoythemilderflavours.Abeautifulcheeseplatepresentationsayseverythingaboutyouasa
host.Smallplatesandcocktailnapkinsarealwaysappealing.Setoutoneknifepercheese,freshfruit(grapes,forinstance),andplentyofcomplementarybreadsorcrackers.Whateverbreadsorcrackersyouprovideshouldbefresh.Ifpossible,identifythedifferentcheeses.
THEPERFECTBARThesearethetwoworstthingsthatcanhappenwhenyou’vesetupabar:a)yourunoutofalcoholormix,andb)yourunoutofice.Makesureyouhaveenoughofeach.Hereisagoodbasicchecklisttohelpyou.Remember,everyparty
crowdisdifferent,andyoushouldfeelfreetomakechangesbasedonyourguests.YouknowtheirdrinkinghabitsbetterthanIdo!Ileavethebrandstoyourdiscretion.
Thequantitiesonthenextpagearesuggestedguidelinesforafour-
hourcocktailpartywith50guests.Generally,youshouldplanfor2drinksperpersonforthefirsthourand1drinkperpersonforeachhourafterthat.Andoverthecourseoftheevening,I’vefoundthateachpersonwillconsumeapproximately2lbsofice.
BARSET-UPFOR50GUESTS•Rye,1bottle•Scotch,1bottle•Rum,1bottle•Vodka,2bottles•Gin,1bottle•Whisky,1bottle•Vermouth—dry,1bottle•Vermouth—sweet,1bottle
•Wine—white,10750mLbottles•Wine—red,6750mLbottles•Champagne/sparklingwine,4750mLbottles
•Orangejuice,4litres•Tomatojuice,2litres•Cranberryjuice,2litres•Pinkgrapefruitjuice,2litres
•Cognac,1bottle•Baileys,1bottle•GrandMarnierliqueur,1bottle•Cointreau,1bottle•Coffeeliqueur,1bottle
•Water—sparkling,2412ozbottles•Water—flat,4812ozbottles
•Cola,6litresdietand6litresregular•Gingerale,4litres•Sodawater,3litres•Tonicwater,6litres
•Ice,100lbs•Olives,16oz•Lemons,6•Limes,12
DECANTINGWINEWhenservingwineinyourhome,firstuncorkandtasteit,preferablyawayfromyourguests.Ifthebottlepassesmuster,youcanthendecantitandprepareitforthetable.
STEP1:Standthebottleupforafewdaysbeforeopeningtoletanysedimentsettletothebottom.
STEP2:Holdingthebottlegently,usethecutteronyourcorkscrewtoremovethetopofthefoil.
STEP3:Insertthetipofthecorkscrewintothemiddleofthecorkandthenturnthehandleuntilthescrewwon’tgoanyfartherintothecork.
STEP4:Movetheleverarmdown,sothatitisflushagainsttheneckofthebottle.
STEP5:Pulluponthehandlefirmlytoremovethecork.
STEP6:Whendecantingthewine,positionalightsource(likeaflashlight,or,ifyouwanttoberomantic,acandle)belowthebottle—thatway,you’llseewhenthesedimentisabouttoreachthelip.That’swhenyoustoppouring.
POPPINGCHAMPAGNE
STEP1:Removeallofthefoilfromawell-chilledbottleofchampagne.
STEP2:Withyourthumbplacedfirmlyontopofthecork,twistthewirecageuntilitopens.
STEP3:Withyourthumbstillfirmlyonthecorkandwirecage,slowlytwistthebottlefromthebasewithyourotherhanduntilyoufeelthecorkrelease.Asfunasitmayseem,youareaimingtoavoidthedramatic“pop”thatresultsinoverflowandlossofchampagne.
STEP4:Pouralittleofthechampagneintoeachflute.Thisiscalled“primingtheglass.”
STEP5:Letthebubblessubsidebeforeyoufilltherestofeachglass3/4full.
PREPARINGTOEATWhenyousitdownatanytableto“breakbread”withfamily,friendsorbusinessassociates,theremaybealittletensionorhesitationbeforeyoubegin.Perhapsyouarethinking:ShouldIplacemynapkinonmylap?(Yes.)CanIstartthesoup,ordoIneedtowatchforsomeoneelseatthetabletobeginfirst?(No,you’llwanttowaitforthehostorhostess.)CanIfinishmyglassofwaterbecauseI’mreallythirsty?(Ofcourse!)WhatdoIdoifIneedtousethewashroomduringthemeal?WhatifIabsolutelymustanswermycellphone?(Inbothofthesesituations,you’llexcuseyourselfquietlyandleavethediningroom.)
BUTLER’STIP
Usethecommunalbutterknifetotakebutterfromthebutterdish,andputitonyoursideplate.Returnthis
knifetothedish,anduseyourbutterspreadertodressyourbread.
Nomatterwhattypeoftableyouareat—formalorcasual,lunchordinner—thesesimpleideasmayhelp.
USEYOURNAPKINPROPERLYWhenyousitdown,putyournapkinonyourlap.Thefoldedseamshouldfaceawayfromyouandtheopenedgesfaceyou.Whenyouneedtowipeyourmouth,dosoontheinsideofthenapkinandthenfolditinhalfagain,withtheopenedgefacingyou.Why?Becausethisway,anygreaseordirtonthenapkinremainshiddenfromviewanditwon’tstainyourclothes.
USECUTLERYINTHERIGHTORDERNomatterwhereyouareintheworld,startbyusingthecutleryfarthestfromyourplateandworkyourwayinwardstowardsyourplate,coursebycourse.
WAITFORYOURHOSTORHOSTESSNeverstartyourmealbeforethehostorhostessunlessheorsheasksyoutopleasebegineating.
WHENINDOUBT,WATCHTHEHOSTORHOSTESSWheneveryoudon’tknowwhattodo,neverlookatthepersonbesideyou;instead,looktothehostorhostess.It’stheirtable,sotheywillknowwhatutensilstouse.
TAKEPARTINTHECONVERSATION
Althoughyouaretheretoenjoyyourmeal—andyoushould—remembertospeakwiththedinersoneithersideofyou.Don’tbeafraidtovoiceanopinionorshareafunnyandrelevantstory,provideditisnotindiscreetorinsensitive.
BUTLER’STIP
Ifyoudropyourcutleryatarestaurantorataformaldinner,leaveitonthefloorandasktheservertopleasebringyouanewpiece.Itisconsideredunhygienicfor
youtopickitup.
POLITETABLECONVERSATION“Turningthetable”wasonceacommontermandpractice.Whenagentlemansatatadinnertable,ideallyhewasresponsibleforentertainingtheladiestohisrightandleft.Hewouldstartbyengaginginpolitetableconversationwiththeladytohisright(theonehehadhelpedtoseat).Halfwaythroughdinner,hewould“turnthetable,”meaningturnhisattentiontotheladyonhisleft,andconversewithherfortheremainderofthemeal.Intoday’ssociety,manyhavelosttheartofconversationandourattentionspansareshort,yet“turningthetable”isstillavaluableskill.Itencourageseveryoneseatedatthetabletointeractandleadstoanenjoyablemeal.Beingabletoconverseaboutavarietyofsubjectsisimportanttoo.Youmaybeanaccomplishedlawyeroranexpertonhydrangeaplants,butthatdoesn’tmeanthesearetopicsotherpeoplewanttohearabout.Awelcomeguestissomeonewhohasknowledgeofmanytopicsandshowsinterestintopicsraisedbyothersatthetable,inordertocarryonacivilizedandengagingconversation.
Buthowdoyoumastertheartofconversation?First,makeanefforttospeakwiththoseoneithersideofyou,andatanormalvolume.Yellingatadinnerpartywilldominateothers’conversations—andit’samarkofpooretiquetteallaround.Second,ifyou’relostforconversationsubjects,saysomethingflatteringtoyourneighbour.Don’tgushwithfalseflattery,butfindsomethingkind,graciousandsinceretosay.Third,comepreparedwithsomethingtospeakabout.Irecommendreadingthenewspapereverymorning,especiallybeforeanimportantdinner.Alternatively,listentothenewsontheradioorontelevision.Doingsokeepsyouabreastofcurrentevents,andwillgiveyoumanyrelevanttopicstoconverseabout.
TOPTENRULESOFTABLEMANNERS
1.YourDinnerNapkin:Nevertuckyournapkinintoyourcollar.Whenyouwanttouseyournapkin,putyourcutlerydownfirstandpickitupfromyourlap.Whenyouaredonewithyournapkin,placeitbackonyourlapandresumeeating.
2.Elbows:Asyourmotheralwayssaid,noelbowsonthetable.Also,don’tletyourelbowsstickoutatyoursideslikewings.Keepthemtuckedintoyourbody,especiallywhenliftingfoodtoyourmouth.
3.WhenYouDon’tLikeWhatIsBeingServed:Inevitablytherewillbetimeswhenyoudon’tlikethedishbeingserved.Takealittleofwhatisbeingserved,tryit,andtrynottolookunhappy.Youdon’tneedtofinishit.
4.BringingYourForktoYourMouth:Neverleanovertheplate.Instead,bringyourforktoyourmouth.
5.YourCutlery:Speakingwhileholdingyourcutleryand,worseyet,pointingwithyourcutlerywhilespeakingisconsideredveryrude.Andavoidholdingyourcutlery“asifyouaregoingtowar,”asmymotheralwayssays.Putcutlerydownwhilechewing.
6.Reaching:Neverreachforthesalt.Askthepersonbesideyou,“Wouldyoupassthesalt,please?”
7.Speaking:Neverspeakwithyourmouthfull.Iknow,you’vehearditbefore,butitbearsrepeating.
8.BlowingYourNose:Ifyoumustblowyournose,neverdoitatthetable.Excuseyourselfandgototherestroomorelsewhere.Beasquietaspossiblesoyoudonotdisturbtheotherguestsatthetable.
9.DealingwithSpillsattheTable:Ifyouaccidentallyspillsomething,don’tmakeabigdealaboutit.Ifthereareservers,motionforoneofthemtobringyouadditionalnapkins.Dealwiththeproblemasquietlyandquicklyaspossible.Ifyouaccidentallyspillsomethingonsomeoneelse,resistthetemptationtowipethemdownyourself.Instead,offeryournapkin.
10.ConcludingYourMeal:Attheendofeverymeal,thenapkinalwaysgoesontopofthetable,neveronyourchair.Pushyourchairbackintothetable;don’tleaveitwhereyougotoutofit.
BUTLER’STIP
Ifamealisincludedaspartofajobinterview,rememberyourtablemanners!They’renotofferingyou
lunchbecausethey’reworriedthatyou’rehungry.
AFTERNOONTEAVS.HIGHTEATheideafortheritualofafternoonteaisoftencreditedtoAnnaMaria
Stanhope,theDuchessofBedford.AfternoonteabeganintheUnitedKingdomduringtheVictorianeraandwasenjoyedbymiddle-andupper-classhouseholds.Usuallyservedbetween3:00p.m.and5:00p.m.,itwasameansofstavingoffhungeruntildinner,whichwasservedlaterintheevening.Afternoonteausuallyconsistsofaserviceoftea,withscones,cakes,pastriesand/orsandwiches,andisservedonacoffeetable.Highteawasamoresubstantialmeal,withatleastonehotfooditem,servedaround6:00p.m.,andiswhatwewouldrefertoastheeveningmeal—dinner.Today,thetwokindsofteaareoftenconfusedandpeoplefrequentlyusetheterm“hightea”torefertoanelaborateafternoontea.Organizinganafternoonteaisafantasticwaytoentertainwithoutfussingtoomuch.Ifyouliveinasmallapartment,it’smucheasiertoinvitefamilyandfriendstoteathantodinner,andyouavoidhavingtodoalotofcooking.It’salsomoreeconomical,whileatthesametimeelegant.Ialsofindafternoonteatobeagreattoolforbusinessentertaining.It’stheperfectwaytogettoknowasmallgroupsocially,butitstillallowsyoutodiscussbusinessinafocusedandpersonalsession.Inmyexperience,peoplerelax,andyouareabletosuccessfullygetthingsdone.
QUESTIONSTOANSWERBEFOREYOUSTARTPREPARINGFORTEA
•Howmanyguestsarecoming?
•Whattimewillafternoonteabeserved?
•Whatkindofteawouldeachpersonliketodrink?
•Isthereaspecificselectionofsandwiches,sconesandcakesrequiredorwouldanassortedtrayofthesefooditemsbeacceptable?
Onceyoucananswerthesequestions,youarereadytobeginpreparations.Thecoffeetableisusuallysetpriortothearrivalofyour
guests.Servetheteaitselfonlyafteryourguestsarrive.Whenyoubringintheteatray,youasthehostorhostessmaychoosetopourtheteaintoyourguests’cupsoryoumayaskoneofyourgueststopour.Thepersonwhopourstheteamayaddthesugarandmilkorlemonfortheguests,ortheguestsmayservethemselves.Theteatrayshouldbelargeenoughtoholdalltheteaservice
components,excludingthefood.Thefoodisusuallybroughtinseparately;thefoodcanbeservedonplatesandbroughtinonatrayorservedmoretraditionallyonatieredcake-stand.Ifthefoodisservedonathree-tieredstand,itisplacedinthisorder:cakesandpastriesonthetoptier,sconesandclottedcreamonthemiddletierandteasandwichesonthebottomtier.Youmayoffertoserveguestsorguestsmayservethemselves.
AFTERNOONTEATRAYCOMPONENTSPreparingateatrayforafternoonteamayseemastraightforwardtask,butpeopleoftengetitwrongbecausetheyhavenotplacedallthenecessarycomponentsonthetray.Theteatrayproperlysetwithalltheappropriateelementsisplacednearthehostorhostessandisreadyforimmediateservice.
•Smallplates(2)•Smallforks(2)•Smallknives(2)•Teacupandsaucer(2)•Teaspoon(2)•Sugarbowl(1)•Milkjug(1)•Lemonslices(2)•Teapot(1)•Hotwaterpot(1)•Flowerpot(1)•Napkins(2)
HOWTOBREWAPOTOFTEA:TEABAGMETHOD
STEP1:Warmtheteapotwithalittlehotwater.
STEP2:Swirlthewatertoheattheteapot.
STEP3:Pouroutthehotwaterthroughthespout.
STEP4:Addoneortwoteabagstotheteapot,dependingonthesize.Makesurethattheteabagtagishangingouttoidentifythetypeoftea.
STEP5:Pourfreshlyboiled(butnotboiling)waterovertheteabag.
STEP6:Placethelidbackontheteapotandallowtheteatosteep3to5minutes,dependingonthetype.Thenremovetheteabagsothattheteadoesnotbecomebitter,andserveimmediately.
HOWTOBREWAPOTOFTEA:LOOSELEAFMETHOD
STEP1:Warmtheteapotwithalittlehotwater.
STEP2:Swirlthewatertoheattheteapot.
STEP3:Pouroutthehotwaterthroughthespout.
STEP4:Addoneteaspoonoflooseteapercupofwater.
STEP5:Pourfreshlyboiled(butnotboiling)waterovertheloosetea.
STEP6:Placethelidbackontheteapottoallowtheteatobrew3to5minutes,dependingonteatype.Then,eitherremovethetealeavesorserveimmediatelyaftersteeping.
COFFEESTYLESManypeoplewhoenjoycoffeearepickyabouthowtheytakeitandevenwhatsortofcoffeetheydrink.Alwayschooseagood,freshbean,and,ifyouknowhow,grindfresh-roastedcoffeebeansyourself.Ifthat’snotpossible,optforgood-qualitygroundcoffee,andaskthecoffeeshoptogrinditforyou.Coffeebeansshouldalwaysberoastedbyprofessionalsbecausetheyareveryeasytoburn.Besttoleaveittotheexperts.Therearemanystylesofcoffeeanddifferentgrindsavailable.Agoodhostorhostessshouldbefamiliarwiththevariousoptionsandbepreparedtoofferguestsaperfectlymadecupofcoffee.
BLACK:Freshlybrewed,percolatedcoffeeservedwithoutmilkor
creaminacoffeecup.Sugarisoffered.
ESPRESSO:Aconcentratedcoffeebrewedbyforcinghotwaterathighpressurethroughfinelygroundcoffee.Espressoisservedinanespressocup.Sugarisoffered.
CAFÉAULAIT:
Madewithequalpartsstrongcoffeeandhot,steamingmilk.Sugarisoffered.ItisusuallyservedFrenchstyleinabowl,butcanalsobeservedinalargecup.TheItalianversionofcaféaulaitisacaffelatte,consistingofoneshotofespressowithagenerousamountofsteamedmilk(a1:3ratio).Likecaféaulait,itisoftenservedinalargebowlorcup,butcanalsobeservedinaglass.
CAPPUCCINO:
Anespresso-baseddrinkconsistingofequalpartsespresso,steamedmilkandfrothedmilk.Itisalwaysservedinacupandcanbedustedwitheithercinnamonorcocoapowder.Youshouldalwaysaskyourguestswhattheirpreferencesarebeforedustingwitheither.Sugarisoffered.InItaly,cappuccinoisservedatbreakfastonly.
CREATINGTHEPERFECTGUESTBEDROOMSometimeswhileentertaining,youarecalledupontohouseaguestforthenight.Intheeventthatsomeoneaskstostayoveratyourhouseunexpectedly,thereisnoreasonwhyyoucan’tbeprepared(thoughIwouldcautionyoutotryandavoidimposingonyourhostsifyouareaguestinsomeoneelse’shome,ifatallpossible).Thecomfortandstyleoftheguestbedroomispartofyourvisitor’soverallexperienceandshouldreflectthatoftherestofthehouse.Youwantyourguesttobeabletorelaxthereandgetagoodnight’ssleep.
Awordofadvice:Ilearnedfromaformeremployerthatsleepinginaguestbedroomyourselfforoneortwonightsisthebestwaytonoticethelittledetailsthatcanbeimproved.Youcan’timaginethethingsIhavenoticedbydoingthis.Providethefollowingtocreatetheperfectguestbedroom:
•Extrablanketsandpillows
•Atleastoneelectricaloutletforcellphonesandcomputerchargers
•Analarmclock
•Aphone
•Notepaper,apenandsharppencilsbesidethephoneorinanotherconvenientspotintheroom
•Internetaccess
•Agoodreadinglightbesidethebed
•Aradioand/ortelevision
•Lightreadingmaterial(magazinesorfavouritebooks)and/orplayingcards
THEGUESTBOOKAguestbookprovidesthehostandhostesswithamementointheformofarecordofalltheguestswhohavevisitedtheirhomeorattendedeventsthere.Youoftenseeguestbooksatcastles,palaces,officialgovernmentresidences,statelyhomesandlargecountryestates.Ihavealwayslovedthesebooks;itissomuchfuntolookbackatallthepeoplewhohavevisitedovertheyears.Ialsobelievethatguestsarehonouredtobeaskedtosigntheofficialguestbookofaprominentorimportantresidence.
Herearesometipsonusingaguestbook:
•Purchaseanattractiveguestbookfromatraditionalstationerysupplier.
•Writethenameoftheoccasionandthedateatthetopofthepage.(Entriesshouldbeontherightsideofthepageonly.)
•Invitegueststosigntheguestbookastheyleave.(Theinvitermaybeyou,asthehost,oradesignatedother.)
•Provideguestswithagood-qualitypenforsigning.
FOODANDWINEPAIRINGS
Barbecues Well-chilled,crispwhitesLightlychilled,youngandfruityreds
Chicken
Roast ChablisPouilly-Fumé
Stir-fry AlsatianRiesling
Curry
ChilledLagerNewWorldChardonnayAnjouRoséWhiteBordeauxRiesling
Desserts
ApplePie SweetGermanwineSauternes
ChocolateCake OrangeMuscat
CrèmeBrûléeChampagneMadeiraSauternes
Freshfruit MuscatSparklingwine
Tiramisu Port
Fish Halibut PinotGrigio
Salmon ChardonnayPuligny-Montrachet
Snapper SauvignonBlanc
Meat
LambCabernetSauvignonOldWorldChiantiRedRioja
Pork WhiteBurgundyBeaujolais
Steak,Grilled BordeauxNewWorldCabernetSauvignon
SteakauPoivre Zinfandel
Steak,T-bone Barolo
Oysters,raw ChampagneSancerre
Pasta
Meat MerlotChiantiClassico
Pesto SauvignonBlanc
Tomato ZinfandelValpolicella
Proscuitto ZinfandelRiesling
QuichesBeaujolais-VillagesPinotGrisSauvignonBlanc
Soups Chowder NewWorldChardonnayFrenchOnion SouthernFrenchRedslikeCorbièresorFitou
Gazpacho ChilledSherryWhiteRioja
THEBUTLER’SFOOLPROOFMENUPLANS
SocialSituation BusinessSituation
Breakfast
Thisisanopportunitytocreateafunmealwithouttoomuchfuss.Mostoftheseitemscanbemadeorpurchasedthedaybefore(thoughyou’llwanttobakethefrittatafirstthinginthemorning).
Abusinessbreakfastshouldbesimpleandminimal.Don’tletanelaboratemenuplangetinthewayofaproductivemeeting.
Bakedfrittata;freshgranola;yogurt;assortedseasonalfruit;aselectionofmuffins,sconesorwhole-graintoastingbreads;caféaulait,espresso,coffeeortea.
Croissantsandpainsauchocolat;sweetbutterandafewdifferenttypesofjam;coffeeandtea.
Lunch
Abiggroupgatheringforlunchdoesn’tneedtobecomplicatedinordertobesophisticated.Asaladwithproteinandlotsofveggiescanserveasacompletemealforeveryone.
Aselectionofcrustybreadsandrolls;SaladeNiçoise;cheeseplate;poundcakewithfreshberriesfordessert.
Abusinesslunchshouldincludefoodsthatarenottooheavyorsugary,andthatareeasytoeatwithoutgettingcaughtinyourteeth!
Aselectionofcrustybreadandrolls;poachedsalmonservedatroomtemperature;steamedasparagusdrizzledwitholiveoil,lemonzestandParmesancheese;ricepilafwithnutsandraisins;shortbreadorotherbite-sizedcookiesfordessert.
Dinner
Whenhostingdinnerforfriends,chooseamealthatyou’recomfortablecookingsoyouhavetimetoentertainyourguestsandenjoytheircompany.
Tomatoandcucumbersalad;herb-roastedchicken;warmfingerlingpotatosalad;sugarsnappeas;blueberrycrispwithvanillaicecreamfordessert.
Thisisyouropportunitytopulloutallthestopsandimpressyourcolleagues.Butonewordofadvice—makesureyou’vetriedcookingthismealbeforethebignight!There’snothingworsethanburningtheroastwithyourbossscheduledtoarriveanyminute.
Greensaladwithlemonvinaigrette;roastbeeftenderloin;slow-roastedtomatoes;steamedharicotsverts;garlicmashedpotatoes;pavlovawithseasonalfruitfordessert.
COOKBOOKSEVERYONESHOULDOWN
TheCakeBiblebyRoseBeranbaum(NewYork:W.Morrow,1988)Ilovethebreadthofthiscookbook.It’sanincrediblereferenceforalltypesofcakes,andifyoufollowtherecipes,it’sfoolproof.
ChinaExpressbyNinaSimonds(NewYork:W.Morrow,1993)I’vebeenahugefanofNinaSimonds’sforyears.Shemakescomplexrecipessosimpletoexecute,andshewalksyouthroughitstepbystep.
EssentialsofClassicItalianCookingbyMarcellaHazan(NewYork:Knopf,1992)IdonotknowofabetterItaliancookbookauthorthanMarcellaHazan.Ihavepreparedcountlessrecipesfromherbookovertheyearsandhaveneverhadarecipegowrong.Countonthisbookforgoodfamily-stylecooking,ormasterfulentertaining.
HowtoCookEverything:SimpleRecipesforGreatFoodbyMarkBittmanandAlanWitschonke(NewYork:Wiley,2006)It’ssimple.Ilovethisbecauseittellsyou,inplainEnglish,howtocookeverything!
MasteringtheArtofFrenchCookingbyJuliaChildSimoneBeckandLouisetteBertholle(NewYork:Knopf,1961)ThereisnobettercookorteacherthanJuliaChild.Ihadthehonourofmeetingherthreetimesandeachwasbetterthanthelast.Youcouldspendtherestofyourlifewithonlythisonebookandeatwelleverysingleday.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Tomyfriendsandcolleagues:thankyou!
MarcusL.H.DearnScottB.MundenJudyMuromotoJohnRobertsonRobertMcCulloughZoeMaslowNitaPronovostBradMartinKristinCochraneCathyPaineDanMozerskyMarilynDenisCharlotteEmpeyOlivierCrémontMichelleCrespiRobertHickeyDr.BarbaraC.EastmanMadameVivianeNeriM.PhilippeNeriMrs.DorothyWolfson
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