this is water: some thoughts, delivered on a significant occasion, about living a compassionate

Copyright©2009byDavidFosterWallaceLiteraryTrustAllrightsreserved.ExceptaspermittedundertheU.S.CopyrightActof1976,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.

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Contents

CopyrightPage

Chapter1

AlsobyDavidFosterWallaceTheBroomoftheSystem(1987)GirlwithCuriousHair(1989)InfiniteJest(1996)

SignifyingRappers(withMarkCostello)(1997)ASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgain(1997)BriefInterviewswithHideousMen(1999)Everything

andMore(2003)Oblivion(2004)ConsidertheLobster(2005)McCain’sPromise(2008)

DavidFosterWallacewasinvitedtospeaktothe2005graduatingclassofKenyonCollegeonasubjectofhischoosing.Itwastheonlysuchaddressheevermade.

Therearethesetwoyoungfishswimmingalongandtheyhappentomeetanolderfishswimmingtheotherway,whonodsatthemandsays,“Morning,boys.How’sthewater?”

Andthetwoyoungfishswimonforabit,andtheneventuallyoneofthemlooksoverattheotherandgoes,“Whatthehelliswater?”

ThisisastandardrequirementofUScommencementspeeches,thedeploymentofdidacticlittleparable-ishstories.

Thestorythingturnsouttobeoneofthebetter,lessbullshittyconventionsofthegenre…butifyou’reworriedthatIplantopresentmyselfhereasthewiseoldfishexplainingwhatwateristoyouyoungerfish,pleasedon’tbe.

Iamnotthewiseoldfish.

Theimmediatepointofthefishstoryismerelythatthemostobvious,ubiquitous,importantrealitiesareoftentheonesthatarehardesttoseeandtalkabout.

StatedasanEnglishsentence,ofcourse,thisisjustabanalplatitude—butthefactisthat,intheday-to-daytrenchesofadultexistence,banalplatitudescanhavealife-or-deathimportance.

OrsoIwishtosuggesttoyouonthisdryandlovelymorning.

OfcoursethemainrequirementofspeecheslikethisisthatI’msupposedtotalkaboutyourliberalartseducation’smeaning,totrytoexplainwhythedegreeyou’reabouttoreceivehasactualhumanvalueinsteadofjustamaterialpayoff.

Solet’stalkaboutthesinglemostpervasiveclichéinthecommencementspeechgenre,whichisthataliberalartseducationisnotsomuchaboutfillingyouupwithknowledgeasitisabout,quote,“teachingyouhowtothink.”

Ifyou’relikemeasacollegestudent,you’veneverlikedhearingthis,andyoutendtofeelabitinsultedbytheclaimthatyou’veneededanybodytoteachyouhowtothink,sincethefactthatyouevengotadmittedtoacollegethisgoodseemslikeproofthatyoualreadyknowhowtothink.

ButI’mgoingtoposittoyouthattheliberalartsclichéturnsoutnottobeinsultingatall,becausethereallysignificanteducationinthinkingthatwe’resupposedtogetinaplacelikethisisn’treallyaboutthecapacitytothink,butratheraboutthechoiceofwhattothinkabout.

Ifyourcompletefreedomofchoiceregardingwhattothinkaboutseemstooobvioustowastetimetalkingabout,I’daskyoutothinkaboutfishandwater,andtobracket,forjustafewminutes,yourskepticismaboutthevalueofthetotallyobvious.

Here’sanotherdidacticlittlestory.

TherearethesetwoguyssittingtogetherinabarintheremoteAlaskanwilderness.

Oneoftheguysisreligious,theother’sanatheist,andthey’rearguingabouttheexistenceofGodwiththatspecialintensitythatcomesafteraboutthefourthbeer.

Andtheatheistsays,“Look,it’snotlikeIdon’thaveactualreasonsfornotbelievinginGod.

It’snotlikeIhaven’teverexperimentedwiththewholeGod-and-prayerthing.

Justlastmonth,Igotcaughtoffawayfromthecampinthatterribleblizzard,andIcouldn’tseeathing,andIwastotallylost,anditwasfiftybelow,andsoIdid,Itriedit:Ifelltomykneesinthesnowandcriedout,‘God,ifthereisaGod,I’mlostinthisblizzard,andI’mgonnadieifyoudon’thelpme!’”

Andnow,inthebar,thereligiousguylooksattheatheistallpuzzled:“Wellthen,youmustbelievenow,”hesays.“Afterall,hereyouare,alive.”

Theatheistrollshiseyeslikethereligiousguyisatotalsimp:“No,man,allthathappenedwasthatacoupleEskimosjusthappenedtocomewanderingby,andtheyshowedmethewaybacktothecamp.”

It’seasytorunthisstorythroughakindofstandardliberalartsanalysis:Theexactsameexperiencecanmeantwocompletelydifferentthingstotwodifferentpeople,giventhosepeople’stwodifferentbelieftemplatesandtwodifferentwaysofconstructingmeaningfromexperience.

Becauseweprizetoleranceanddiversityofbelief,nowhereinourliberalartsanalysisdowewanttoclaimthatoneguy’sinterpretationistrueandtheotherguy’sisfalseorbad.

Whichisfine,exceptwealsoneverenduptalkingaboutjustwheretheseindividualtemplatesandbeliefscomefrom,meaning,wheretheycomefrominsidethetwoguys.

Asifaperson’smostbasicorientationtowardtheworldandthemeaningofhisexperienceweresomehowautomaticallyhardwired,likeheightorshoesize,orabsorbedfromtheculture,likelanguage.

Asifhowweconstructmeaningwerenotactuallyamatterofpersonal,intentionalchoice,ofconsciousdecision.

Plus,there’sthematterofarrogance.

Thenonreligiousguyissototally,obnoxiouslyconfidentinhisdismissalofthepossibilitythattheEskimoshadanythingtodowithhisprayerforhelp.

True,thereareplentyofreligiouspeoplewhoseemarrogantlycertainoftheirowninterpretations,too.

They’reprobablyevenmorerepulsivethanatheists,atleasttomostofushere,butthefactisthatreligiousdogmatists’problemisexactlythesameasthestory’satheist’s—arrogance,blindcertainty,aclosed-mindednessthat’slikeanimprisonmentsocompletethattheprisonerdoesn’tevenknowhe’slockedup.

ThepointhereisthatIthinkthisisonepartofwhattheliberalartsmantraof“teachingmehowtothink”isreallysupposedtomean:tobejustalittlelessarrogant,tohavesome“criticalawareness”aboutmyselfandmycertainties…becauseahugepercentageofthestuffthatItendtobeautomaticallycertainofis,itturnsout,totallywronganddeluded.

Ihavelearnedthisthehardway,asIpredictyougraduateswill,too.

Here’soneexampleoftheutterwrongnessofsomethingItendtobeautomaticallysureof.

EverythinginmyownimmediateexperiencesupportsmydeepbeliefthatIamtheabsolutecenteroftheuniverse,therealest,mostvividandimportantpersoninexistence.

Werarelythinkaboutthissortofnatural,basicself-centeredness,becauseit’ssosociallyrepulsive,butit’sprettymuchthesameforallofus,deepdown.

Itisourdefaultsetting,hardwiredintoourboardsatbirth.

Thinkaboutit:Thereisnoexperienceyou’vehadthatyouwerenotattheabsolutecenterof.

Theworldasyouexperienceitisthereinfrontofyou,orbehindyou,totheleftorrightofyou,onyourTV,oryourmonitor,orwhatever.

Otherpeople’sthoughtsandfeelingshavetobecommunicatedtoyousomehow,butyourownaresoimmediate,urgent,real.

Yougettheidea.

Butpleasedon’tworrythatI’mgettingreadytopreachtoyouaboutcompassionorother-directednessoralltheso-called“virtues.”

Thisisnotamatterofvirtue—it’samatterofmychoosingtodotheworkofsomehowalteringorgettingfreeofmynatural,hardwireddefaultsetting,whichistobedeeplyandliterallyself-centered,andtoseeandinterpreteverythingthroughthislensofself.

Peoplewhocanadjusttheirnaturaldefaultsettingthiswayareoftendescribedasbeing,quote,“well-adjusted,”whichIsuggesttoyouisnotanaccidentalterm.

Giventheacademicsettinghere,anobviousquestionishowmuchofthisworkofadjustingourdefaultsettinginvolvesactualknowledgeorintellect.

Theanswer,notsurprisingly,isthatitdependswhatkindofknowledgewe’retalkingabout.

Probablythemostdangerousthingaboutanacademiceducation,atleastinmyowncase,isthatitenablesmytendencytoover-intellectualizestuff,togetlostinabstractthinkinginsteadofsimplypayingattentiontowhat’sgoingoninfrontofme.

Insteadofpayingattentiontowhat’sgoingoninsideme.

AsI’msureyouguysknowbynow,itisextremelydifficulttostayalertandattentiveinsteadofgettinghypnotizedbytheconstantmonologueinsideyourhead.

Whatyoudon’tyetknowarethestakesofthisstruggle.

Inthetwentyyearssincemyowngraduation,Ihavecomegraduallytounderstandthesestakes,andtoseethattheliberalartsclichéabout“teachingyouhowtothink”wasactuallyshorthandforaverydeepandimportanttruth.

“Learninghowtothink”reallymeanslearninghowtoexercisesomecontroloverhowandwhatyouthink.

Itmeansbeingconsciousandawareenoughtochoosewhatyoupayattentiontoandtochoosehowyouconstructmeaningfromexperience.

Becauseifyoucannotorwillnotexercisethiskindofchoiceinadultlife,youwillbetotallyhosed.

Thinkoftheoldclichéaboutthemindbeing“anexcellentservantbutaterriblemaster.”

This,likemanyclichés,solameandbanalonthesurface,actuallyexpressesagreatandterribletruth.

Itisnottheleastbitcoincidentalthatadultswhocommitsuicidewithfirearmsnearlyalwaysshootthemselvesin…thehead.

Andthetruthisthatmostofthesesuicidesareactuallydeadlongbeforetheypullthetrigger.

AndIsubmitthatthisiswhatthereal,no-shitvalueofyourliberalartseducationissupposedtobeabout:Howtokeepfromgoingthroughyourcomfortable,prosperous,respectableadultlifedead,unconscious,aslavetoyourheadandtoyournaturaldefaultsettingofbeinguniquely,completely,imperiallyalone,dayinanddayout.

Thatmaysoundlikehyperbole,orabstractnonsense.

Solet’sgetconcrete.

Theplainfactisthatyougraduatingseniorsdonotyethaveanycluewhat“dayin,dayout”reallymeans.

TherehappentobewholelargepartsofadultAmericanlifethatnobodytalksaboutincommencementspeeches.

Onesuchpartinvolvesboredom,routine,andpettyfrustration.

TheparentsandolderfolksherewillknowalltoowellwhatI’mtalkingabout.

Bywayofexample,let’ssayit’sanaverageadultday,andyougetupinthemorning,gotoyourchallenging,white-collarcollege-graduatejob,andyouworkhardfornineortenhours,andattheendofthedayyou’retired,andyou’restressedout,andallyouwantistogohomeandhaveagoodsupperandmaybeunwindforacouplehoursandthenhittherackearlybecauseyouhavetogetupthenextdayanddoitallagain.

Butthenyourememberthere’snofoodathome—youhaven’thadtimetoshopthisweekbecauseofyourchallengingjob—andsonowafterworkyouhavetogetinyourcaranddrivetothesupermarket.

It’stheendoftheworkday,andthetraffic’sverybad,sogettingtothestoretakeswaylongerthanitshould,andwhenyoufinallygetthere,thesupermarketisverycrowded,becauseofcourseit’sthetimeofdaywhenalltheotherpeoplewithjobsalsotrytosqueezeinsomegroceryshopping,andthestoreishideously,fluorescentlylit,andinfusedwithsoul-killingMuzakorcorporatepop,andit’sprettymuchthelastplaceyouwanttobe,butyoucan’tjustgetinandquicklyout.

Youhavetowanderalloverthehuge,overlitstore’scrowdedaislestofindthestuffyouwant,andyouhavetomaneuveryourjunkycartthroughalltheseothertired,hurriedpeoplewithcarts,andofcoursetherearealsotheglaciallyslowoldpeopleandthespaceypeopleandtheADHDkidswhoallblocktheaisle,andyouhavetogrityourteethandtrytobepoliteasyouaskthemtoletyouby,andeventually,finally,yougetallyoursuppersupplies,exceptnowitturnsouttherearen’tenoughcheckoutlanesopeneventhoughit’stheend-of-the-dayrush,sothecheckoutlineisincrediblylong.

Whichisstupidandinfuriating,butyoucan’ttakeyourfuryoutonthefranticladyworkingtheregister,whoisoverworkedatajobwhosedailytediumandmeaninglessnesssurpasstheimaginationofanyofushereataprestigiouscollege…butanyway,youfinallygettothecheckoutline’sfront,andyoupayforyourfood,andwaittogetyourcheckorcardauthenticatedbyamachine,andyougettoldto“Haveaniceday”inavoicethatistheabsolutevoiceofdeath.

Andthenyouhavetotakeyourcreepyflimsyplasticbagsofgroceriesinyourcartwiththeonecrazywheelthatpullsmaddeninglytotheleft,allthewayoutthroughthecrowded,bumpy,litteryparkinglot,andtrytoloadthebagsinyourcarinsuchawaythateverythingdoesn’tfalloutofthebagsandrollaroundinthetrunkonthewayhome,andthenyouhavetodriveallthewayhomethroughslow,heavy,SUV-intensiverush-hourtraffic,etcetera,etcetera.

Everyoneherehasdonethis,ofcourse—butithasn’tyetbeenpartofyougraduates’actualliferoutine,dayafterweekaftermonthafteryear.

Butitwillbe,andmanymoredreary,annoying,seeminglymeaninglessroutinesbesides…

Exceptthat’snotthepoint.

Thepointisthatpetty,frustratingcraplikethisisexactlywheretheworkofchoosingcomesin.

Becausethetrafficjamsandcrowdedaislesandlongcheckoutlinesgivemetimetothink,andifIdon’tmakeaconsciousdecisionabouthowtothinkandwhattopayattentionto,I’mgonnabepissedandmiserableeverytimeIhavetofood-shop,becausemynaturaldefaultsettingisthatsituationslikethisarereallyallaboutme,aboutmyhungrinessandmyfatigueandmydesiretojustgethome,andit’sgoingtoseem,foralltheworld,likeeverybodyelseisjustinmyway,andwhothefuckareallthesepeopleinmyway?

Andlookathowrepulsivemostofthemareandhowstupidandcow-likeanddead-eyedandnonhumantheyseemhereinthecheckoutline,orathowannoyingandrudeitisthatpeoplearetalkingloudlyoncellphonesinthemiddleoftheline,andlookathowdeeplyunfairthisis:I’veworkedreallyhardalldayandI’mstarvedandtiredandIcan’tevengethometoeatandunwindbecauseofallthesestupidgoddamnpeople.

Or,ofcourse,ifI’minamoresociallyconscious,liberalartsformofmydefaultsetting,Icanspendtimeintheend-of-the-daytrafficjambeingangryanddisgustedatallthehuge,stupid,lane-blockingSUVsandHummersandV-12pickuptrucksburningtheirwasteful,selfish,forty-gallontanksofgas,andIcandwellonthefactthatthepatrioticorreligiousbumperstickersalwaysseemtobeonthebiggest,mostdisgustinglyselfishvehiclesdrivenbytheugliest,mostinconsiderateandaggressivedrivers,whoareusuallytalkingoncellphonesastheycutpeopleoffinordertogetjusttwentystupidfeetaheadinthetrafficjam,andIcanthinkabouthowourchildren’schildrenwilldespiseusforwastingallthefuture’sfuelandprobablyscrewinguptheclimate,andhowspoiledandstupidandselfishanddisgustingweallare,andhowitalljustsucks,andsoonandsoforth…

Look,ifIchoosetothinkthisway,fine,lotsofusdo—exceptthatthinkingthiswaytendstobesoeasyandautomaticitdoesn’thavetobeachoice.

Thinkingthiswayismynaturaldefaultsetting.

It’stheautomatic,unconsciouswaythatIexperiencetheboring,frustrating,crowdedpartsofadultlifewhenI’moperatingontheautomatic,unconsciousbeliefthatIamthecenteroftheworldandthatmyimmediateneedsandfeelingsarewhatshoulddeterminetheworld’spriorities.

Thethingisthatthereareobviouslydifferentwaystothinkaboutthesekindsofsituations.

Inthistraffic,allthesevehiclesstuckandidlinginmyway:It’snotimpossiblethatsomeofthesepeopleinSUVshavebeeninhorribleautoaccidentsinthepastandnowfinddrivingsotraumaticthattheirtherapisthasallbutorderedthemtogetahuge,heavySUVsotheycanfeelsafeenoughtodrive;orthattheHummerthatjustcutmeoffismaybebeingdrivenbyafatherwhoselittlechildishurtorsickintheseatnexttohim,andhe’stryingtorushtothehospital,andhe’sinawaybigger,morelegitimatehurrythanIam—itisactuallyIwhoaminhisway.

OrIcanchoosetoforcemyselftoconsiderthelikelihoodthateveryoneelseinthesupermarket’scheckoutlineisprobablyjustasboredandfrustratedasIam,andthatsomeofthesepeopleactuallyhavemuchharder,moretediousorpainfullivesthanIdo,overall.

Andsoon.

Again,pleasedon’tthinkthatI’mgivingyoumoraladvice,orthatI’msayingyouare“supposedto”thinkthisway,orthatanyoneexpectsyoutojustautomaticallydoit,becauseit’shard,ittakeswillandmentaleffort,andifyou’relikeme,somedaysyouwon’tbeabletodoit,orelseyoujustflat-outwon’twantto.

Butmostdays,ifyou’reawareenoughtogiveyourselfachoice,youcanchoosetolookdifferentlyatthisfat,dead-eyed,over-made-upladywhojustscreamedatherkidinthecheckoutline—maybeshe’snotusuallylikethis;maybeshe’sbeenupthreestraightnightsholdingthehandofherhusband,who’sdyingofbonecancer,ormaybethisveryladyisthelow-wageclerkatthemotorvehiclesdepartmentwhojustyesterdayhelpedyourspouseresolveanightmarishred-tapeproblemthroughsomesmallactofbureaucratickindness.

Ofcourse,noneofthisislikely,butit’salsonotimpossible—itjustdependswhatyouwanttoconsider.

Ifyou’reautomaticallysurethatyouknowwhatrealityisandwhoandwhatisreallyimportant—ifyouwanttooperateonyourdefaultsetting—thenyou,likeme,probablywillnotconsiderpossibilitiesthataren’tpointlessandannoying.

Butifyou’vereallylearnedhowtothink,howtopayattention,thenyouwillknowyouhaveotheroptions.

Itwillactuallybewithinyourpowertoexperienceacrowded,hot,slow,consumer-hell-typesituationasnotonlymeaningful,butsacred,onfirewiththesameforcethatlitthestars—compassion,love,thesubsurfaceunityofallthings.

Notthatthatmysticalstuff’snecessarilytrue:Theonlythingthat’scapital-TTrueisthatyougettodecidehowyou’regoingtotrytoseeit.

This,Isubmit,isthefreedomofrealeducation,oflearninghowtobewell-adjusted:Yougettoconsciouslydecidewhathasmeaningandwhatdoesn’t.

Yougettodecidewhattoworship….

Becausehere’ssomethingelsethat’strue.

Intheday-to-daytrenchesofadultlife,thereisactuallynosuchthingasatheism.

Thereisnosuchthingasnotworshipping.

Everybodyworships.

Theonlychoicewegetiswhattoworship.

Andanoutstandingreasonforchoosingsomesortofgodorspiritual-typethingtoworship—beitJ.C.orAllah,beitYahwehortheWiccanmother-goddessortheFourNobleTruthsorsomeinfrangiblesetofethicalprinciples—isthatprettymuchanythingelseyouworshipwilleatyoualive.

Ifyouworshipmoneyandthings—iftheyarewhereyoutaprealmeaninginlife—thenyouwillneverhaveenough.

Neverfeelyouhaveenough.

It’sthetruth.

Worshipyourownbodyandbeautyandsexualallureandyouwillalwaysfeelugly,andwhentimeandagestartshowing,youwilldieamilliondeathsbeforetheyfinallyplantyou.

Ononelevelweallknowthisstuffalready—it’sbeencodifiedasmyths,proverbs,clichés,bromides,epigrams,parables:theskeletonofeverygreatstory.

Thetrickiskeepingthetruthupfrontindailyconsciousness.

Worshippower—youwillfeelweakandafraid,andyouwillneedevermorepoweroverotherstokeepthefearatbay.

Worshipyourintellect,beingseenassmart—youwillendupfeelingstupid,afraud,alwaysonthevergeofbeingfoundout.

Andsoon.

Look,theinsidiousthingabouttheseformsofworshipisnotthatthey’reevilorsinful;itisthattheyareunconscious.

Theyaredefaultsettings.

They’rethekindofworshipyoujustgraduallyslipinto,dayafterday,gettingmoreandmoreselectiveaboutwhatyouseeandhowyoumeasurevaluewithouteverbeingfullyawarethatthat’swhatyou’redoing.

Andtheso-called“realworld”willnotdiscourageyoufromoperatingonyourdefaultsettings,becausetheso-called“realworld”ofmenandmoneyandpowerhumsalongquitenicelyonthefueloffearandcontemptandfrustrationandcravingandtheworshipofself.

Ourownpresentculturehasharnessedtheseforcesinwaysthathaveyieldedextraordinarywealthandcomfortandpersonalfreedom.

Thefreedomalltobelordsofourtinyskull-sizedkingdoms,aloneatthecenterofallcreation.

Thiskindoffreedomhasmuchtorecommendit.

Butofcoursetherearealldifferentkindsoffreedom,andthekindthatismostpreciousyouwillnothearmuchtalkedaboutinthegreatoutsideworldofwinningandachievinganddisplaying.

Thereallyimportantkindoffreedominvolvesattention,andawareness,anddiscipline,andeffort,andbeingabletrulytocareaboutotherpeopleandtosacrificeforthem,overandover,inmyriadpettylittleunsexyways,everyday.

Thatisrealfreedom.

Thatisbeingtaughthowtothink.

Thealternativeisunconsciousness,thedefaultsetting,the“ratrace”—theconstant,gnawingsenseofhavinghadandlostsomeinfinitething.

Iknowthatthisstuffprobablydoesn’tsoundfunandbreezyorgrandlyinspirationalthewayacommencementspeech’scentralstuffshouldsound.

Whatitis,sofarasIcansee,isthetruth,withawholelotofrhetoricalbullshitparedaway.

Obviously,youcanthinkofitwhateveryouwish.

Butpleasedon’tdismissitassomefinger-waggingDr.Laurasermon.

Noneofthisisaboutmorality,orreligion,ordogma,orbigfancyquestionsoflifeafterdeath.

Thecapital-TTruthisaboutlifebeforedeath.

Itisaboutmakingittothirty,ormaybeevenfifty,withoutwantingtoshootyourselfinthehead.

Itisabouttherealvalueofarealeducation,whichhasnothingtodowithgradesordegreesandeverythingtodowithsimpleawareness—awarenessofwhatissorealandessential,sohiddeninplainsightallaroundus,thatwehavetokeepremindingourselvesoverandover:

“Thisiswater.”

“Thisiswater.”

“TheseEskimosmightbemuchmorethantheyseem.”

Itisunimaginablyhardtodothis—toliveconsciously,adultly,dayinanddayout.

Whichmeansyetanotherclichéistrue:Youreducationreallyisthejobofalifetime,anditcommences—now.

Iwishyouwaymorethanluck.

DavidFosterWallacewrotetheacclaimednovelsInfiniteJestandTheBroomoftheSystemandthestorycollectionsOblivion,BriefInterviewswithHideousMen,andGirlwithCuriousHair.HisnonfictionincludestheessaycollectionsConsidertheLobsterandASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgain,andthefull-lengthworkEverythingandMore.Hediedin2008.