two churches, one marriage lee williams, phd university of san diego

Two Churches, One MarriageTwo Churches, One Marriage

Lee Williams, PhDUniversity of San Diego

IntroductionIntroduction

• Program reflects my professional

background:

• Educator - family therapy training program

• Researcher - marriage preparation and

interchurch couples

• Clinician - working primarily with couples

The Basics - WhyThe Basics - Why

• A large percentage of couples getting married are interchurch (40% or more)

• Couples from different religious backgrounds are at higher risk for divorce.

• Interchurch couples as a rule have received little attention despite their numbers and higher risk.

The Basics - WhoThe Basics - Who

• Program targets interchurch couples

• Interfaith couples may also benefit

• Same-church couples with religious

differences may also benefit

• Engaged and newly married couples will

likely benefit most

The Basics - WhatThe Basics - What

• The program covers the rewards and challenges of being in an interchurch relationship, as well as strategies for dealing with the challenges.

• The program is divided into eight units that focus on issues that interchurch often face

The Basics - WhatThe Basics - What

• Communication skills

• Problem-solving skills

• Managing religious differences

• Exploring values around marriage

• Building a religious & spiritual bond

• Changing religious affiliation

• Religious upbringing of children

• Finding support and acceptance

The Basics - WhatThe Basics - What

• Each unit is built around the IDEA model:• Introduction• Discovery• Education• Application

• Program philosophy• Process oriented• Each couple must find their own solutions

The Basics - HowThe Basics - How

• The program is available in two formats:

• Free, web-based program (www.sandiego.edu/interchurch)

• Teach-out-of-the-box version suitable for group workshop

The Basics - HowThe Basics - How

• Recruiting couples• Marriage preparation events (e.g., Pre Cana)• Referrals through churches• Marriage education websites

• Eligibility• Interfaith?• Distressed couples?

The Basics - HowThe Basics - How

• Flexible format since each unit is self-contained

• Sequence is flexible, although it is recommended to begin with communication and problem-solving units

• Overall length approximately 4 hours

Communication Skills UnitCommunication Skills Unit

• Communication skills can facilitate an exploration of issues that interchurch couples may face.

• Discovery - Individuals take an inventory to assess their relationship communication skills:• Ability to share thoughts and feelings?• Individuals misinterpret each other?• Ability to share vulnerable emotions?• Ability to listen?• Feel attacked?

Communication: Speaker SkillsCommunication: Speaker Skills

• Use “I” statements

• Focus on behavior rather than character when complaining

• Share deeper (vulnerable) emotions

Communication: Listening SkillsCommunication: Listening Skills

• Listen - be curious

• Use active listening skills to confirm understanding:• Tape recorder method• Paraphrasing method• Empathic method

Communication: Listening SkillsCommunication: Listening Skills

• Look for cues the speaker does not feel understood

• Don’t confuse active listening with agreement

• Let partner know you are listening

• Assume a neutral or positive intent

Communication: ConflictCommunication: Conflict

• Recognize when flooding occurs• Fight/fight pattern• Flight/flight pattern• Fight/flight pattern

• Take a time out when flooding occurs

• Slow down and use skills when addressing conflict

Communication: ApplicationCommunication: Application

• Exercise One - Practice communication skills while discussing an issue

• Exercise Two - Identify couple pattern around flooding

• Exercise Three - Negotiate how to take a time out

Problem-Solving Skills UnitProblem-Solving Skills Unit

• Problem-solving skills can help couples resolve the issues (religious or otherwise) that may arise.

• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess their problem-solving skills:• Mutual understanding of what is important to each

• Couple’s ability to come up with creative solutions

• Couple’s ability to compromise

• Couple’s ability to carry through on decisions made by the couple

Step One - Define the ProblemStep One - Define the Problem

• Need to specify what is the problem

• Need to decide how narrowly or broadly to define what is the problem

Step Two - Identify the Underlying Needs

Step Two - Identify the Underlying Needs

• Couples can have conflict over what is the best solution to the problem

• Identifying underlying needs can help the couple get unstuck

• Identifying needs may make it easier to find common ground and alternative solutions

Step Three - BrainstormingStep Three - Brainstorming

• Identify as many solutions as possible

• Be creative - “think outside the box”

• Don’t critique ideas yet

• Don’t stop brainstorming too quickly

Step Four - Evaluate the IdeasStep Four - Evaluate the Ideas

• Evaluate the merit of ideas after brainstorming

• Some unconventional ideas can be modified into more realistic solutions

• Look for solutions that offer a win-win for both parties, which often requires compromise

Step Five - Implement the Solution

Step Five - Implement the Solution

• Discuss the specifics of how to implement the solution

• Each person should describe what he or she will do to implement the solution

• Decide how long to try the idea

Step Six - Evaluate the Success of the Solution

Step Six - Evaluate the Success of the Solution

• Evaluate if the problem has been successfully resolved. Are both satisfied with the solution?

• If not, consider trying an alternative solution.

• May need to revisit earlier steps in identifying an alternative solution.

Problem-Solving Skills UnitProblem-Solving Skills Unit

• Application - Couples are given the opportunity to practice the skills on a problem

Managing Religious DifferencesManaging Religious Differences

• This unit provides strategies for dealing with religious differences, as well as exploring how they may be an asset for a couple.

• Discovery - Couple completes inventory on religious differences:• Church teachings• What it means to be saved• Importance of attending church• Religious practices• Importance of Bible• Importance of prayer

Two Common MythsTwo Common Myths

• Only interchurch couples have important religious differences

• Reality: All couples can have religious differences

• Religious differences are problematic

• Reality: Differences can enrich or divide

Do’s and Don’tsDo’s and Don’ts

• Don’t take a deficit view of differences

• Don’t focus just on differences, but also look for commonalities

• Do all you can to learn about your partner’s religious faith (e.g., attend partner’s church, read and discuss materials)

Benefits to ExplorationBenefits to Exploration

• Exploration can lead to the discovery of similarities and commonalities

• Exploration can challenge individuals to grow spiritually

• Can become more tolerant and accepting of other religious traditions

Do’s and Don’tsDo’s and Don’ts

• Don’t put other churches down

• Do put the problem in proper context-interchurch couples reflect a broader division in Christianity

• Don’t overlook possible strong connections between family and religious traditions

Troubleshooting ConflictTroubleshooting Conflict

• SLOW DOWN - Usecommunication and

problem-solving skills

• Be curious

• Is the conflict over a “difference that will make a difference?”

• Is conflict a symptom of deeper issues?

Religious Differences: ApplicationReligious Differences: Application

• Exercise One - Have individuals identify the five most important religious or spiritual beliefs they have in common with their partners.

• Exercise Two - Couple discusses how they can learn more about each other’s religious or spiritual life.

Meaning of MarriageMeaning of Marriage

• This unit help couples explore their values around marriage to assess how compatible they are.

• Discovery - Couples reflect upon the following:• How do they define marriage?• What role should God play in the marriage?• What messages have they received about

marriage from church, family, peers, and society?

Meaning of MarriageMeaning of Marriage

• The unit discusses how the 4 C’s can shape values regarding marriage.• Church

• Childhood/Family of Origin

• Circle of Friends

• Culture

Topics to ExploreTopics to Explore

• Role of God in the relationship• How important is God to each of you

individually?• Is marriage viewed as secular or religious?• What role will God have in the relationship?• Will you pray together as a couple?• What spiritual values will guide you when your

marriage faces challenges?

Topics to Explore (continued)Topics to Explore (continued)

• Divorce and commitment• Under what circumstances is divorce

acceptable?• If you divorce, is remarriage acceptable?• What will you do if you encounter difficulties

in your marriage?

Topics to Explore (continued)Topics to Explore (continued)

• Gender Roles• Traditional or egalitarian?• How will roles change with arrival of children?

• Children and religion• What will be religious upbringing of children?• What role will God play in family life?• What core values or teachings do you want

your children to have?

Topics to Explore (continued)Topics to Explore (continued)

• Family planning/contraception• What approaches to family planning are

acceptable or unacceptable?• What will you do if there is an unexpected

pregnancy?• What are each of your views on abortion?

Meaning of MarriageMeaning of Marriage

• The unit also helps couples explore their compatibility with regards to these values:• Step One - Know yourself

• Step Two - Critically examine your own beliefs

• Step Three - Know your partner

• Step Four - Map areas of similarities and differences

• Step Five - Assess overall compatibility

Meaning of Marriage: ApplicationMeaning of Marriage: Application

• Exercise One - Explore and assess compatibility of values around marriage using five-step process.

• Exercise Two - Write down vows that reflect values around marriage.

Joint Religious/Spiritual LifeJoint Religious/Spiritual Life

• This unit discusses the value of building a religious and spiritual bond, as well as strategies for strengthening this bond

• Building a joint religious and spiritual life was a protective factor against divorce.

• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess the level of joint religious activities.

Religion and SpiritualityReligion and Spirituality

• Religion is an external institution with church communities, rituals, traditions, and doctrines.

• Spirituality refers to an individual’s personal faith, beliefs, and relationship to God.

• Religion and spirituality can strengthen one another, or be separate.

Developing a Joint Religious LifeDeveloping a Joint Religious Life

• Attend church together

• Do service/volunteer activities together

• Attend Bible studies or religious education classes

• Attend church-sponsored social activities together

Attending Church Together Attending Church Together

• Both remain active in their own churches, but also regularly attend their partner’s church.

• Alternate every other week which church they attend.

• Partners remain active in their own churches, and will occasionally visit the other partner’s church.

• Select one church to attend, with one or both changing affiliation.

Addressing BarriersAddressing Barriers

• Individuals may feel uncomfortable with another church due to unfamiliarity or negative preconceptions.

• Individuals may fear that others will try to convert them.

• Catholics: Does attending another church meet my Sunday obligation?

• Issues around communion.

Advantages of Joint AttendanceAdvantages of Joint Attendance

• Strengthens religious and spiritual bond.

• May help couple discover more commonalities.

• Get a different perspective, which may enrich one’s spiritual life.

• Two possible sources of support.

Developing a Joint Spiritual LifeDeveloping a Joint Spiritual Life

• Pray together

• Study the Bible together

• Read and discuss other religious or spiritual books together

• Discuss your personal faith with one another.

Joint Religious/Spiritual LifeJoint Religious/Spiritual Life

• Application - Couple identifies one way to strengthen their religious/spiritual bond.

Religious AffiliationReligious Affiliation

• A large percentage (43.8%) of interchurch couples became same church through one or both partners changing affiliation.

• The unit explores the issues of whether or not interchurch individuals should change religious affiliation.

Religious Affiliation - DiscoveryReligious Affiliation - Discovery

• On a 1 -10 scale, what is the strength of your denominational affiliation? Your partner’s?

• What religious belief, practice, or tradition….• do you cherish most in your church?

• does your partner cherish most in his or her church?

• do you find most appealing in your partner’s church?

Religious AffiliationReligious Affiliation

• Reasons given for changing:

• Preferred partner’s denomination

• Wanted to worship together as a family

• Stronger unity

• Prevent confusion of children

• Keep peace in the relationship or extended

family

Religious AffiliationReligious Affiliation

• Reasons given for not changing:

• Don’t accept beliefs of partner’s denomination

• Value current church traditions

• Change would result in loss of identity

• Change would result in negative family

reaction

Religious Affiliation - ApplicationReligious Affiliation - Application

• Individuals complete worksheet where they rate the importance of various factors for against changing religious affiliation.

• Individuals share their answers with their partners.

Religious Upbringing of Children

Religious Upbringing of Children

• This unit explores various approaches for the religious upbringing of children.

• Discovery - Couple reflects and shares their answers to following questions:• Benefits and risks to raising children in one church

• Benefits and risks to raising children in two churches

• Where and when do you anticipate baptizing your children?

Religion and the ChildrenReligion and the Children

• Important to begin this discussion early

• Can be one of the most difficult challenges for interchurch couples

• There are several different approaches that the couple could take

• There is no right or wrong answer

One Tradition, One Church One Tradition, One Church

• Everyone in family goes to one church

• One partner typically changes religious affiliation

• In some cases, both partners change religious affiliation, or one partner becomes active in the church but does not officially change affiliation.

Pros and ConsPros and Cons

• Easier for couple/family to worship together

• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse children

• Both partner’s may be unwilling to change religious affiliation

• Those who change affiliation may experience problems with extended family

Different Traditions, One ChurchDifferent Traditions, One Church

• Each parent remains active in his or her own church.

• Children, however, are raised in only one church.

• Usually children are raised in the church of the more devout parent.

Pros and ConsPros and Cons

• Each parent can remain active in his or her own church

• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse children

• One parent may feel excluded from religious training of children.

• Parents cannot share equal responsibility.

Different Traditions, Different Churches

Different Traditions, Different Churches

• Both parents remain active in their own church.

• Each child is raised exclusively in one church, but not all children go to the same church

• Examples:• Boys (Lutheran), Girls (Catholic).

• Remarried families

Different Traditions, Raised in Both Churches

Different Traditions, Raised in Both Churches

• Each parent remains active in his or her own church.

• The children are raised or exposed to both religious traditions.

• Concept of “Double Belonging.”

Pros and ConsPros and Cons

• Parents remain active in their own church or denomination.

• Children are exposed to different perspectives, which some believe forces them to more closely examine their beliefs.

• Children might learn greater religious tolerance.

Pros and ConsPros and Cons

• Challenge of respectfully articulating your beliefs to a child, without putting down your partner’s beliefs.

• Time and financial resources of raising children in two churches.

Other ApproachesOther Approaches

• As a child grows older, some parents may allow a child to choose which church to attend.

• Only one parent is religiously active, and raises children in that church.

• Some couples provide their child little or no religious upbringing (perhaps as a way to avoid conflict).

Children - ApplicationChildren - Application

• What are the most important beliefs you want passed on to your children?

• What do you think is the best plan regarding the religious upbringing of your children?

• What factors are most important to you in recommending this plan?

• What factors might lead you to change your mind?

• Who will have the greatest difficulty with this plan if adopted?

Finding Support & AcceptanceFinding Support & Acceptance

• This unit explores the challenges that some interchurch couples face in finding support and acceptance from others (e.g., family, church)

• Discovery - Reflection questions:• How have you experienced lack of acceptance?• How have you received support?• Who in your family is most concerned about your

interchurch relationship? Why?• Who in your family is most supportive about your

interchurch relationship? Why?

Parents and AcceptanceParents and Acceptance

• Parents may show lack of acceptance several different ways.• Negative comments about partner, partner’s

church, or marriage.• May question whether partner is saved.• Refusal to attend or participate in worship

service• Refusal to participate in wedding

Parents and AcceptanceParents and Acceptance

• Possible reasons for non-acceptance:• Negative perception of other denomination.• Fear child will become less active.• Fear that child will change affiliation.• Fear they have done a poor job as parents.• Fear child will have problems in the marriage • Change seen as act of disloyalty.

Parents and AcceptanceParents and Acceptance

• Many parents are supportive, or are indifferent to the issue.

• Many parents who have difficulty with interchurch relationship eventually grow to accept it.

• Siblings can pave the way for greater acceptance.

Acceptance Within ChurchesAcceptance Within Churches

• Interchurch couples can experience lack of acceptance in churches:• Some clergy may not participate in a religious

ceremony.• Individuals may experience pressure to change.• Being excluded from church activities.• Failure to acknowledge interchurch couples

exist or have special needs.

Dealing with Lack of AcceptanceDealing with Lack of Acceptance

• Focus less on what other’s think and more on what you think is right.

• Don’t personalize criticism.• Seek to discover what is behind the lack of

acceptance.• May need to gently confront and educate

others.• Seek support from others.

Acceptance - ApplicationAcceptance - Application

• Exercise One - Have couple discuss one or two areas where they experience a lack of acceptance, and how to handle it.

• Exercise Two - Have couple discuss joining (or even starting) a group for interchurch couples.

Additional ResourcesAdditional Resources

• Mental health referrals

• Additional resources on communication skills programs and premarital inventories

• Evaluation form

• Resources on various denominations

• Resources on prayer books for couples

• Additional books and websites for interchurch couples

Pilot Study Results of ProvidersPilot Study Results of Providers

• 86% thought the program would be either extremely helpful or very helpful to interchurch couples.

• 86% said they would either definitely or probably recommend the program to interchurch couples.

• Those who frequently worked with interchurch couples were more favorable than those who occasionally or seldom worked with them.

Pilot Study Results of ProvidersPilot Study Results of Providers

% who rated unit as extremely or very helpful:

• Communication skills - 76%

• Problem-solving skills - 89%

• Managing religious differences - 86%

• Exploring values around marriage - 74%

• Building a religious & spiritual bond - 79%

• Changing religious affiliation - 86%

• Religious upbringing of children - 84%

• Finding support and acceptance - 72%

Contact InformationContact Information

• Lee Williams• School of Leadership & Education Sciences• University of San Diego• 5998 Alcala Park• San Diego, CA 92110-2492

• williams@sandiego.edu• 619-260-6889