by Amy Standage

CLIMBING IVY P R O D U C T I O N S

N othing could compare to the joy of finding out I was pregnant after

almost two years of trying to conceive. This little girl fulfilled my ultimate dream of motherhood; a dream I didn’t think would ever happen. During my pregnancy, I nicknamed her Ladybug. But the joy turned to anguish when our little Ladybug, our precious baby Ella, passed away just hours after birth.

In the wake of her death, I struggled to keep from drowning in despair. My husband and I clung to the gospel and found solace in the love of family and friends. But my grieving mind became a target for the adversary’s deceptive poison.

My faith hung by a thread, my arms were empty, and my heart drained like a sieve until I couldn’t bear any more breaking. I tried so hard to trust in the Lord and in

things, both in heaven and in earth; be-lieve that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”Ella needed a body and through my husband and me, she received one. Then God called her home. I won’t understand His purpose until the next life. In the mean time, instead of thinking Ella was taken from me, I can think of my precious, perfect little girl as a gift, a beacon waiting to welcome us to exaltation.

The second lie: I was denied my miracle.After so much fasting and prayer, the outcome was still different than what we wanted. That doesn’t mean God said “no.” He only said “not yet.” We still got our miracle. Because of Jesus Christ, Ella is mine forever. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in an October 1999 Conference talk stated: “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” My miracle will come. But like the Nephites in 3 Nephi 19, I need to labor exceedingly to be where Christ is. Where Ella is.

The third lie: I was unworthy to be a mother.This was perhaps the most heartbreaking lie of them all. But the truth came still and small: God gave Ella to us because of our worthiness. In moments when the veil is thin, this child can reach through and

touch the hearts of her family, bringing us closer to the light.

Christ is the way, the truth, and the life.I still miss my Ella every day. Though I’ve healed and gone on to have more beautiful children, I still get those periodic stabs of sadness. But every day I rely on my Savior to remind me the truth: He is the beginning and the end, the light of the world, glorious, eternal Being. And yet he

condescends to sit a while with a lonely woman who misses her baby.

God lives. He loves us. He has prepared a way for us to live eternally with those we hold most dear. These truths transcend all else. He taught me these truths through His gospel, through the Holy Spirit, and through Ella, my perfect child, my little Ladybug.

Author lives in Mesa, Arizona, USA

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth.

“The Atonement also satisfies the debt justice owes to us by healing and compensating us for any suffering we innocently endure.” Elder D. Todd Christofferson

LadybugLoss, the Atonement, and overcoming the adversary’s lies

my little

His love and mercy. But at the end of the day, I still missed my baby.

It isn’t fair. Why did this have to happen? I kept asking questions like these over and over. But it didn’t stop there. Horrible thoughts bombarded me: Ella’s death was my fault. I’d done something wrong.

It got worse.

God denied my miracle. He loved me but not the way He loved everyone else. I wasn’t good enough to deserve what I wanted. Ella was taken from me because I was unfit to be her mother. I would have messed up.

Caustic, embittering lies like these continued to brew in my mind. Satan doesn’t only use sin to frustrate our progress. He uses fear, guilt, envy, lies—anything that will make us turn away from our Father and dwell on our misery.

The first lie: Ella’s death was my fault.No matter how much I wish it, I can’t change what has happened. But it was never my fault. Mosiah 4:9 states: “Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all

by Amy L. Standage

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C L IM B I N G I V Y P R O D U C T I O N S

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