an inner journey to nurture and outer-directed life: a pilgrimage in the land of william stafford

7/30/2019 An Inner Journey to Nurture and Outer-Directed Life: A Pilgrimage in the Land of William Stafford

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An Inner Journey to Nurture an Outer-Directed Life

A Pilgrimage in the Land of William Stafford

by Ken Saxon

I wonder about what Im pursuing.

Im a busy person committed to my work and family, and here I am athousand miles from home spending a week in the William Stafford Archivesat Lewis & Clark College in Lake Oswego, Oregon. How did this come to be?

Its a wandering kind of story. My work in the world involves runningprograms that help committed nonprofit and community leaders to grow intheir leadership and to be better able to sustain their commitment to their

difficult work. A significant portion of my professional practice is facilitatingCourage to Lead retreats, where we use poetry and other metaphoricaltools as a way to promote reflection and reconnection to self.

Now toss in a dash of synchronicity. The man whose poetry has spoken mostdeeply to me in recent years is William Stafford (1914-1993). He was born inKansas, lived much of his life in Oregon, and taught at Lewis & Clark Collegenear Portland for more than three decades. Coincidentally, my son hasdecided to attend college at Lewis & Clark beginning this August. As I lookup the date of the fall Parents Weekend at the college, I learn that thecoming year is the William Stafford Centennial, with a number of

remembrances scheduled.

A web link brings my attention to the fact that the poets son, gifted writerKim Stafford (who has taught at Lewis & Clark for 34 years) is teaching aweek-long seminar about his father. Kim is the author of the beautifulmemoir Early Morning: Remembering My Father, William Stafford, which Idevoured a couple years ago. I look at my usually overfilled calendar andfind that I can actually make these dates work! Im not much of a believer infate, but somehow this all feels meant to be, and that spurs me forward.

So here I am, living in a college dorm room, and

spending this July week in the Lewis & Clark Collegelibrary in a seminar room along with ten other WilliamStafford admirers. Our assignment to use Staffordswritings and other resources in the Stafford Archivesto create a project of interest to ourselves andhopefully also of use to the Archives as part of theWilliam Stafford Centennial.

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When asked to pick one Stafford poem to write about, I choose You ReadingThis, Be Ready, a favorite I use in my retreats. Kim Stafford tells me thatthis particular poem is etched on a stone pillar down the hill from the collegein the town of Lake Oswego, the adopted hometown of his father. Hementions there are other Stafford Stones as well. Im always up for the

chance to explore new territory, particularly without a fixed itinerary aluxury I rarely afford myself. And I find myself curious where this little fieldtrip will lead me.

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In downtown Lake Oswego, on an urban street corner in front of a red brickoffice building in this quaint suburban village of 37,000 people, I find my firstStafford Stone. The basalt pillar is adorned with the William Stafford poem Iknow best, The Way It Is. I know it by heart.

In our retreats, we use this poemas an invitation for our leaders to identify or reconnect with the through-lineof who they are and what they yearn for, down deep. Sometimes as adults,we become disconnected from the thread of self. We lose it as we succumbto the pressures, pace and complexity of our professional and personal lives.

This disconnection happens to me more often now in our Internet age as mybrain gets more distracted and overwhelmed from over-stimulus, jumpingfrom link to link. I feel so busy and overtaxed, but am often left wondering

how much time I end up wasting on activity thats not core to what I want tobe doing. These days it seems harder than ever for me to maintain myconcentration and focus on whats really important.

There is a thread you follow, and in our Courage to Lead retreats, ourrespective threads becomes more clearly visible. As Stafford writes, tofollow that thread doesnt make life easy or painless. But it isyourthread!While you hold it, you cant get lost. Identifying and reconnecting with

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The Way It Is

Theres a thread you follow. It goes amongthings that change. But it doesnt change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.While you hold it you cant get lost.Tragedies happen; people get hurtor die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop times unfolding.You dont ever let go of the thread.


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ones thread is a powerful touchstone we can use to regain our bearingswhen the world knocks us off kilter, or when we find ourselves too distractedand wandering far from the path of who we really are.

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Kim Stafford told me if I wanted to explore a little further afield, there wasanother Stafford Stone south of town so I seek it out. Ten minutes awayamong rolling Oregon fields, I find Luscher Farm an historic dairy farm inthe Lake Oswego area that has been preserved as public space. It provideslocals with places to play, walk, learn about agriculture, and grow food incommunity gardens. This is a place of peace and connection to nature, andin both of these things, it is an appropriate place for a Stafford Stone.

But I couldnt find the darn pillar. Nor could anyone I asked help me. So Iwandered around this serene place, agitated that I couldnt locate what I

came for, kicking myself for not taking the time to listen more carefully whenKim Stafford was giving me directions. How typical of me to be so distractedthat I dont fully listen! Then I smile, remember that Im in a beautiful placewith no real deadline or mandate that I mustfind this stone, and I begin totake in the pastoral scene. And I breathe. I laugh at myself and the sillyplaces my Type A personality surprises me.

Finally I come across a woman who works for Parks & Recreation, and shethinks she knows what Im looking for. Im on the wrong side of the farmaltogether, and she directs me around the corner and down Rosemont Roada short way. Driving along, I spy my target and pull to the side of the road.

This pillar near Luscher Farm displays Staffords 1953 poem The WellRising. Stanford English professor John Felstiner, author of Can Poetry Savethe Earth, chose this poem as his choice if he had to selectjust one poemthat he would have everyone read one poem to save the earth. He said

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The Well Rising

The well rising without sound,the spring on a hillside,

the plowshare brimming through deep groundeverywhere in the field

The sharp swallows in their swerveflaring and hesitating

hunting for the final curvecoming closer and closer

The swallow heart from wingbeat to wingbeatcounseling decision, decision:

thunderous examples. I place my feetwith care in such a world.


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in an NPR interview that he was moved by the poems urgency, but also byits modesty and simplicity. Stafford closes the poem I place my feet withcare in such a world. Im guessing Felstiner dreams of a time wheneveryone would act this way.

William Stafford offered through his life example and his words an inspiringlegacy of witness and peace. Yes, he saw the reality of the worlds problems,and he had an appropriate sense of urgency. You can feel it in the poem,with the swallows coming closer and closer, counseling decision,decision. But his next step is not to harangue or attack others or to fall intodespair, but to focus on himself and his own actions and respond with care.Such has been the path of our greatest peacemakers, who were able tochannel their angst for the world into peaceful action.

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On my way back through town, I head off to Foothills Park, which contains amini-Stonehenge of Stafford columns. At the entrance to the park, there is adedication of the William Stafford Pathway. The plaque ends with Staffordspoem Why I Am Happy.

This poem reminds me of what a nonprofit leader wrote me last year:

Im now in a place where I feel little more than an extension of my

workmy definition of myself has become largely centered on what Ido, rather than who I am. I came across a great quote today byGuillaume Apollinaire: Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuitof happiness and just be happy."

That quote made me chuckle when I first read it. It encapsulates theparadox that so many of us live into today. In contemporary America, wehave more freedom to pursue what makes us happy than anyone has ever

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Why I Am Happy

Now has come, an easy time. I let itroll. There is a lake somewhereso blue and far nobody owns it.

A wind comes by and a willow listensgracefully.

I hear all this, every summer. I laughand cry for every turn of the world,its terribly cold, innocent spin.

That lake stays blue and free; it goeson and on.

And I know where it is.


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had in the history of the world. And yet social scientists who measure suchthings assure us that we are not getting any happier. Maybe weve forgottenhow.

Why I Am Happy contains a poignant message about finding peace in a

world filled violence and with darkening skies. Staffords hidden blue lakeprovides him respite from every turn of the world. He knows what heneeds, and how he can access beauty and life and sustenance in athreatening world. And I know where it is.

What is that hidden blue lake for you? Thats another type of questionleaders might be invited to focus on in our retreats. How do I care formyself? Where do I find peace? People must answer these questions forthemselves. For me, Im finding my blue lake is away from my computer,from my cell phone, and even better if its away from my routines of homeand connected to nature. When I emerge from such places I feel renewed,

less fragmented and distracted, and more whole.

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As I wander down the StaffordPathway, I think about the lifeWilliam Stafford lived for all of us.His extraordinary record of dailywriting 50 years of early mornings,every single day! all preserved and

organized at the William StaffordArchives at Lewis & Clark College.All those years of searching for truth,witnessing for peace, and exploringthe bounds of the way it is. Allthose years of rising at 4AM to write.

As someone who cared deeply about the outer world, about justice, kindnessand peace Stafford found his solace, his bearings, his solid ground to standon in his inner life. From that place, he was able to breathe, to explore, tothink, and to find peace and beauty.

Dag Hammarskjold, the second Secretary General of the United Nations, wasa man of peace whom Stafford admired. In William Staffords book review onthe posthumous publishing of Hammarskjolds book of reflections Markings,he wrote:

The person revealed is one who steadily held to a search inward thatcould justify and reinforce the burden of his outward life. The book

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demonstrates how the rigors of practical affairs are met by equallyrigorous and in fact perhaps exactly complementary counterpartsin mental and emotional experience.

This description, which could apply to Stafford himself, is an enormous

challenge to most of us committed to service. How can we match our energyoutward to heal the world with equally rigorous attention to our inner lives?To most nonprofit leaders Ive met, this would seem impossible. Were sobusy! they reply, with some mixture of pride and resignation.

I can see why Staffords model of living might be hard for people to take on,and yet I find myself quite drawn to it. It may well be time for me to committo my own version of his disciplined daily practice. It feels like it might be anantidote to much that afflicts me my addiction to busy-ness, distractedthinking, the challenge I have staying focused on the big picture, my strugglewith writing, and the time I waste processing email or linking to news and

social media that dont nourish me.

William Stafford found an approach to lifethat sustained him over a 79-year life,matching his commitment to peace and theenvironment and non-violence with anequally rigorous commitment to his personalpractice. So many dedicated leaders I meetmake a habit of doing exactly the opposite sacrificing self in the service of over-committing to the service of others. I call this

the Martyr Syndrome.

Though it comes from a kind-hearted place, the Martyr Syndrome isultimately unsustainable, and it can be accompanied by significantdownsides. These pitfalls include becoming burned out, neglectingimportant relationships, exhausting oneself, losing sight of the big picture,bending ones own ethics, and being overrun by stress. The symptoms canbe physical and spiritual.

Another model of an admirable life balancing commitment to the outer worldand inner life was that of Trappist monk Thomas Merton, the 20th century

American spiritual thinker. In Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander, Mertonwarned about the tendency to over-commit to too much:

To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflictingconcerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to toomany projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb toviolence. The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his/her work for peace.It destroys the fruitfulness of his/her own work, because it kills the root

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of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.

Inner Wisdom which makes work fruitful. That phrase hits home for me.When Im hyper-busy and active from early morning until I lay my head onthe pillow at night, day after day, something starts to feel missing for me.

Its not that Im not getting things done. But the quality and depth of mywork start to degrade, and it becomes less intrinsically satisfying to me. AndI also notice that though Im in perpetual motion, Im less able to engage andinspire others when Im in this state.

William Stafford wrote that wisdom is having things right in your life andknowing why. Im guessing you do not achieve that kind of wisdom withouta lot of inner work. For Stafford, his hard work of self sustained him througheight decades, the Depression, poverty, his banishment from his childhoodhome, four years in hard labor camps for conscientious objectors, travel farfrom home and family, and the death of a child. And never did he let go of

the thread.

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Ah, theres our mini-Stonehenge up ahead, along thewest bank of the Willamette River. Eight dark grey stonecolumns displaying William Stafford quotations andaphorisms. Wellall except one, which is blank.

Whats that about? Does it represent silence? Orlistening? Or is it to remind us that the writing of poetry

is not to be left to the poets. Kim Stafford shared thisbrief story in Early Morning:

At another program, after my father had read a poem thatseemed like simple talk, a voice blurted from the audience.

I could have written that.But you didnt, my father said, looking down at the upturned

face. He waited one beat of silence. But you could write your own.

Yes, we all have to write our own life, or revise it, as William Stafford used tosay. Examine it, take out the parts that dont work, keep the parts that do,

and cultivate habits that sustain ourselves. In one of his final interviewsbefore he died, Stafford was asked why he titled his book on writing poetryYou Must Revise Your Life. He replied:

I wanted to use the word revise because so many books about writingmake it sound as though you create a good poem by tinkering with thepoem youre working on. I think you create a good poem by revisingyour life . . . by living the kind of life that enables good poems to come

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about. Your life is a trajectory. A workshop may seem, to those whotake part in it, a chance to revise the work they bring. I think its achance to see how your life can be changed . . . so that poem thatbegan to come will be more satisfying, more fulfilling.

So to those of us who are not professional poets but are dedicated to ourwork in the world, what is Staffords message here? Maybe its that weshouldnt ignore our own lives, our thread, while we are doing our work inthe world, however noble. Maybe hes suggesting instead that we live ourlives in a way that results in good work, so that our lives will be moresatisfying, more fulfilling. Thats a nuanced point, but it seems to me apowerful prescription for avoiding burnout and boredom and staying fullyengaged throughout your life.

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I notice that only one of the Stafford Stones by the river contains a full poem You Reading This, Be Ready. To end my pilgrimage trail, I arrive at thepoem Ive been seeking. Stafford wrote this poem on a morning in lateAugust 1993, two days before he died.

I love sharing this poem withour groups in the last hour of aretreat. It can be a poignantmoment. These dedicated,driven leaders have now had

two days to slow down, reflect, listen, engage with an authentic communityof peers, and be in communion with their deepest yearnings and passions.Most receive all this as something for which they have been thirsty like anoasis in the desert.

And yet with an hour to go, our retreat participants can hear the drumbeatsof what awaits them outside an overflowing in-box and email account, staffmembers needing direction, board members calling and often challenging,

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You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softenedsound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

than the breathing respect that you carrywherever you go right now? Are you waitingfor time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift thisnew glimpse that you found; carry into eveningall that you want from this day. This interval you

spentreading or hearing this, keep it for life -

What can anyone give you greater than now,starting here, right in this room, when you turn

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money that needs to be raised, and big societal problems that arent goingaway. And from the retreat thats ending, they may well be taking with themnew questions, more fundamental questions about the direction orsustainability of their life or organization, or about if they are doing the workthey were meant for. Decision, decision, the swallows cry.

Before they turn their attention away from our retreat, William Stafford hassome wise counsel for them. Take a few minutes. Youve been fully present,in dialogue with your deepest self. Youre going to walk out that door soon,into the storm. What do you want to remember?

We might think that what we do out there is much more important thananything we might have done in retreat. Many of our retreat participantsfeel guilty, even self-indulgent, for taking a few days for themselves in aworld that so desperately needs their labors. But Staffords rejoinder ispointed. Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing

respect you carry wherever you go right now?

My sense is that the poet wants us to be ready, prepared for the journeyahead. And his experience taught him that his lifetime daily practice earlymorning retreat every single day sustained him through more than sixdecades of standing up for peace and the environment and giving voice tovalues he held dear. And he made it 79 years with his integrity intact, withthe respect of his peers and the love of his family, and building a legacy thatcontinues to inspire people the world over now 20 years after his death.

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As my pilgrimage comes to an end, where am I in this? Why did I make thistrip to Oregon? Maybe its because Im getting ready for something. Ourtwins are flying the nest this year, and so my wife and I have a big transitionon our hands. In addition, my work is evolving and demanding new thingsfrom me that Im struggling to respond to. Im at about half-time in my adultlife, and I dont want to simply let momentum carry me forward.

So Im holding many questions. How do I make the most of the time I haveleft? And as our world faces new andunparalleled threats, what values do I want to

stand for? What kind of personal and creativeprocess would support me in living the life I wasmeant for? How can I live my life in a way that itwill be more satisfying, more fulfilling?

In my time of reflection and writing this week atthe William Stafford Archives, I see that I havechosen Staffords writings and life as a guide for

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my journey ahead. So it makes all the sense in the world why I am here. Iwas seeking deeper communion with one of the teachers I need as I stepforward into this next stage of life. And I emerge from my pilgrimagerenewed and ready to commit to daily inner practice in addition to the workthat calls to me.

I feel a breathing respect for this place, this time, and this man, WilliamStafford, and deep gratitude for the week Ive spent here. Thats somethingelse I can take with me now as I depart Lake Oswego. As the coda to myfavorite Stafford poem reminds me:

What can anyone give you greater than now,starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?"

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an inner journey to nurture and outer-directed life: a pilgrimage in the land of william stafford

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