and other neat tricks dad taught me (it’s good for girls!)

And Other Neat Tricks Dad Taught Me

(It’s Good for Girls!)

Pass the pie.

Hooray for me and to hell with everybody else.

You’ll wonder where the yeller went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.

Well I swan!

Do you know what Gramp does to big boys who stick their hands in the sugar bowl?

Stop pinching that baby!

There’s an awful pressure building…

You’re alright, kid…on one side. And all left on the other.

Now there’s a hangie-burger!

I belong to the round church so the devil can’t hide in the corner.

It’s a shame you got fat. It’s a shame to throw this away…it’s a shame to throw that away…

Come in you’re out!

Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!

Gracious Peter Sakes Alive!

You can call me Pee Pee cause I’m all yer’in!

Eat it Chester. It won’t hurt ya!

How'd ya cut ya? Burn ya? Dog bite ya? Mother know your out?

My Dad, he’s a smart one.He’s taught me a lot

About how to work hardFor the things that I’ve got.

His great words of wisdomStill ring in my ears

Though I’ve lived far awayFor more than ten years.

I’ve written his storiesOn paper this timeI copied his words

And just forced them to rhyme.

See if you find the wisdomHe’s taught us so well

In the midst of these storiesI’ve tried hard to tell.

There’s a place for everythingWhen everything’s in its place.

That’s a fact that I finallyJust had to face.

Who would have thoughtThat his words might ring true

Some fifteen years laterWhen I’d lost my left shoe?

When life disappoints meAnd I wonder “What if

Things had somehow been different…”My mind starts to drift

To a box of green applesAnd the pie they might yieldTill a cat changed the plans

‘Fore they even were peeled.

Even in houseworkI think of his quips.

As I’m sure you all know,He’s right full of tips!

Like how to clean bathrooms(Just use Sani-Flush)

And if that doesn’t work,You can still try a brush.

He taught me to question The things that I readI suppose that advice

It would serve me to heed.

For a person can writeAs he chooses to do

But as Dad will remind us,“It don’t make it true!”

A true bargain shopperI’ve finally become

Trying hard to be frugal(It’s easier for some)

When I’m shopping a sale nowHis voice gets in touch:

“I don’t know how you affordTo be saving so much!”

He’ll often be heardWith something familiar to say

“My stars and blue garters, Hattie”Or “It’s another beautiful day!”

And he’ll teach all the kidsTo say special things too

Like, “Mighty Dinah!”Or “Whoop-Te-Doo!”

Why he’s just a little fellaHe’s an old cuss-a-mer

Give him one for each handJust to make sure

No one goes away hungryFrom Grandpa Shene’s placeHe’ll be sure to feed you…

Just in case!

Always be a good sportWhen you’re playing a game.Whether for daughters or sons

His cheers were the same.

Rah Rah ReeKick ‘im in the knee

Rah Rah RassKick ‘im in the other knee!

Holy old Connecticut! I nearly forgot

The people he’d wave toWhether he knew them or not.

He’d claim that he knew themBut I think he was wrong.

There can’t be that many peopleNamed Elbow DeProng!

So Dad’s taught some lessonsI’ll always hold dear.

Though we all know his sourceWas William Shakespeare

What will he think Of my words here? I’m sure

The first words from his mouthWill be “Thank God I’m pure!”

All who have known him(For eighty years, now!)Will recall how his tunesNearly killed the old cow!

So I share now the songsThat he sang to us all.

Just use your own tune,And have fun. Have a ball!

Bobby Shaftoe’s gone to sea,Silver buckles on his knees;

He’ll come back and marry me,Pretty Bobby Shaftoe!

Bobby Shaftoe’s fat and fair,Combing down his yellow hair

He’s my love for evermore,Pretty Bobby Shaftoe!

Once there was a little girl, who lived next to meAnd she loved a sailor boy, he was only three

Now he's on a battleship, in his sailor suitJust a great big sailor man, but he's just as cute

Chorus:Bell bottom trousers, coat of navy blue

She loves a sailor man and he loves her too

When they walk along the street, anyone can seeThey are so much in love, happy as can be

Hand in hand they stroll along, they don't give a hootHe won't let go of her hand, even to salute

Chorus

Everywhere her sailor went, she was sure to goTill one day he sailed away, where she doesn't knowNow she's going to join the Waves, maybe go to sea

Try to find her sailor boy, where ever he may be

Chorus

If her sailor she can't find on the bounding maneShe is hopeful he will soon come home safe again

So they can get married and raise a familyDress up all the kids in sailor's dungarees

When I come home one nightAs drunk as I could beI saw a saddle horseWhere my horse ought t' beCome here my little wifeExplain this thing t' meWho's is the saddle horseWhere my horse ought t' beWell, you ole fool, ya drunken foolCan't ya plainly seeThat is just a milk cowMy Mother gave t' meWell, I've been around this wide worldA hundred miles or moreSaddle on a milk cowI never saw before

When I come home one night As drunk as I could be I saw an overcoat Where my coat ought t' be Well, come here my little wife An' explain this thing t' me Who's is the overcoat Where my coat ought t' be Well, you ole fool, ya drunken fool Can't ya plainly see That is just a bed-quilt My Mother gave t' me Well, I've been around this wide world A hundred miles or more Pockets on a bed-quilt I never saw before

When I come home one nightAs drunk as I could beI saw a head upon the bedWhere my head ought t' beCome here my little wifeExplain this thing t' meWho's head upon the bedWhere my head ought t' beWell, you ole fool, ya drunken foolCan't ya plainly seeThat is just a cabbage headMy Mother gave t' meWell, I've been around this wide worldA hundred miles or moreAnd a mustache on a cabbage headI never saw before

A frog went a-courtin' and he did ride, M-hm, M-hm.A frog went a-courtin' and he did ride,Sword and pistol by his side, M-hm, M-hm.

He rode up to Miss Mousie's door, M-hm, M-hm,He rode up to Miss Mousie's door,Where he'd often been before, M-hm, M-hm.

He said, "Miss Mouse, are you within?" M-hm, M-hm,He said, "Miss Mouse, are you within?""Yes, kind sir, I sit and spin." M-hm, M-hm.

He took Miss Mouse upon his knee, M-hm, M-hm,He took Miss Mouse upon his kneeSaid "Miss Mouse, will you marry me?" M-hm, M-hm.

"Without my Uncle Rat's consent, M-hm, M-hm,Without my Uncle Rat's consentI wouldn't marry the President." M-hm, M-hm.

Uncle Rat, he laughed and shook his fat sides, M-hm, M-hm,Uncle Rat, he laughed and shook his fat sidesTo think his niece would be a bride, M-hm, M-hm.

Then Uncle Rat rode off to town, M-hm, M-hm,Then Uncle Rat rode off to townTo buy his niece a wedding gown, M-hm, M-hm.

"Oh, where will the wedding supper be?" M-hm, M-hm,"Oh where will the wedding supper be?""Way down yonder in the hollow tree." M-hm, M-hm.

The first to come was the little white moth, M-hm, M-hm,The first to come was the little white mothShe spread out the tablecloth, M-hm, M-hm.

The next to come was the bumblebee, M-hm, M-hm,The next to come was the bumblebeePlayed the fiddle upon his knee, M-hm, M-hm.

The next to come was a little flea, M-hm, M-hm,The next to come was a little fleaDanced a jig with the bumblebee, M-hm, M-hm.

The next to come was Missus Cow, M-hm, M-hm,The next to come was Missus CowTried to dance but didn't know how, M-hm, M-hm.

Now Mister Frog was dressed in green, M-hm, M-hm,Now Mister Frog was dressed in greenSweet Miss Mouse looked like a queen, M-hm, M-hm.

In slowly walked the Parson Rook, M-hm, M-hm,In slowly walked the Parson RookUnder his arm he carried a book, M-hm, M-hm.

They all gathered round the lucky pair, M-hm, M-hm,They all gathered round the lucky pairSinging, dancing everywhere, M-hm, M-hm.

Then Frog and Mouse went off to France, M-hm, M-hm,Then Frog and Mouse went off to FranceThat's the end of my romance, M-hm, M-hm.

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burningDown the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turningI'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountainsSo come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and brightWhere the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every nightWhere the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every dayOn the birds and the bees and the cigarette treesWhere the lemonade springs where the bluebird singsIn the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legsAnd the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggsThe farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hayOh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snowWhere the rain don't fall and the wind don't blowIn the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socksAnd the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocksThe brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blindThere's a lake of stew and of whiskey tooYou can paddle all around 'em in a big canoeIn the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tinAnd you can walk right out again as soon as you are inThere ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picksI'm a goin to stay where you sleep all dayWhere they hung the jerk that invented workIn the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

Me and my wife live all aloneIn a little log hut we call our own;She loves gin and I love rum,And don't we have a lot of fun!

Ha, ha, ha, you and me,Little brown jug, don't I love thee!Ha, ha, ha, you and me,Little brown jug, don't I love thee!

When I go toiling on the farmI take the little jug under my arm;Place it under a shady tree,Little brown jug,'tis you and me.


'Tis you that makes me friends and foes,'Tis you that makes me wear old clothes;But, seeing you're so near my nose,Tip her up and down she goes.


If all the folks in Adam's raceWere gathered together in one place,I'd let them go without a tearBefore I'd part from you, my dear.


If I'd a cow that gave such milk,I'd dress her in the finest silk;Feed her up on oats and hay,And milk her twenty times a day.


I bought a cow from Farmer Jones,And she was nothing but skin and bones;I fed her up as fine as silk,She jumped the fence and strained her milk.


And when I die don't bury me at all,Just pickle my bones in alcohol;Put a bottle o' booze at my head and feetAnd then I know that I will keep.


The rose is red, my nose is too,The violet's blue and so are you;And yet, I guess, before I stop,We'd better take another drop.


I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee;I'm goin' to Lou'siana my true love for to see.

It rained all night the day I left,the weather it was dry;

The sun so hot I froze to death,Susanna don't you cry.

Oh! Susanna, don't you cry for me;I come from Alabama,

with my banjo on my knee.

I had a dream the other night,When everything was still;

I thought I saw Susanna dear,A-coming down the hill.

The buckwheat cake was in her mouth,The tear was in her eye,

Said I, I'm coming from the south,Susanna don't you cry.



I soon will be in New Orleans,And then I'll look all 'round,And when I find Susanna,I'll fall upon the ground.But if I do not find her,

This darkey'll surely die,And when I'm dead and buried,

Susanna don't you cry.



She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

She'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain,

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

She'll be driving six white horses when she comes (Hee Haw) She'll be driving six white horses when she comes (Hee Haw)

She'll be driving six white horses, she'll be driving six white horses,She'll be driving six white horses when she comes (Hee Haw)

Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes (Hi, Babe)Oh, we'll all go out to meet her when she comes (Hi, Babe)Oh, we'll all go out to meet her, we'll all go out to meet her,

We'll all go out to meet her when she comes (Hi, Babe)

She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes

She'll be wearing red pajamas, she'll be wearing red pajamas,She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes (Snore)She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes (Snore)

She will have to sleep with Grandma, she will have to sleep with Grandma,

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes. (Snore)

From this valley they say you are going We will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile

For they say you are taking the sunshine That has brightened our path for a while

Come and sit by my side if you love me Do not hasten to bid me adieu

But remember the Red River Valley And the cowboy who loved you so true

Won't you think of the valley you're leaving? Oh how lonely, how sad it will be

Oh think of the fond heart you're breaking And the grief you are causing to me

As you go to your home by the ocean May you never forget those sweet hours

That we spent in the Red River Valley And the love we exchanged mid the flowers

Oh Glorious!Oh Glorious!

A keg of beer for four of us!And Glory be to God there are no more of us.

Cause' the four of us can drink it all alone.

Do you think the rain will affect the rhubarb?

Toot! Toot! Did you hear me go by?

I cut it twice and it's still too short.

Need a piece of paper to stand on?

15-2 and the rest won’t do.

15-2, 15-4 that's all there is and there ain't no more.

I got what Patty shot at.

I’ll whip your butt so fast that I'll be able to sit and watch the fight!

Guess she was a good little baby girl!

I don't see how you can eat so much!

Huh, hell!! Pay attention!!

It’s better to fart and bear the shame than not to fart and bear the pain.

Whose little boy (girl) are you?

Hello, Bub.

Sic 'im Tige!

Oh I’d hate to say I doubt your word but it sounds so mighty queer. Go pedal your crap to another sap cause your

BOLOGNA don’t go here - Shakespeare

Settle down or I'll throw you out in the snow bank without your ski-pants and jacket!

Your playing Catholic golf. Cross! Cross!

That's not hash, it's smash.

I'll hang a blinker on you.

Your buckin’ for a bruise.

Take it outside!

Shit...and two are eight.

You're a real fart smeller...I mean a smart feller

See, I've been trying to tell you that you've got the wrong attitude.

It’s not my fault!

Want me to hold that money for you?

I’m ready’s little brother.

and other neat tricks dad taught me (it’s good for girls!)

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