andrew haydock - double trouble

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  • 8/20/2019 Andrew Haydock - Double Trouble

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     ndrew F. Haydock

    DOUBLE TROUBLE

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    Copyright © Andrew F. Haydock (2015)

    The right of Andrew F. Haydock to be identified a a!thor of thi

    work ha been aerted by hi" in accordance with ection ## and

    #$ of the Copyright% &eign and 'atent Act 1$$.

    A right reer*ed. +o part of thi p!bication "ay be

    reprod!ced% tored in a retrie*a yte"% or tran"itted in any

    for" or by any "ean% eectronic% "echanica% photocopying%

    recording% or otherwie% witho!t the prior per"iion of the

     p!biher.

    Any peron who co""it any !na!thori,ed act in reation to thi

     p!bication "ay be iabe to cri"ina proec!tion and ci*i cai"

    for da"age.

    A C-' cataog!e record for thi tite i a*aiabe fro" the ritih

    /ibrary.

    -+ #$ 1 #$55 $12 ('aperback)

    www.a!tin"aca!ey.co"

    Firt '!bihed (2015)

    A!tin 3aca!ey '!biher /td.

    25 Canada 4!areCanary harf 

    /ondon

    61 5/7

    'rinted and bo!nd in 8reat ritain

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    PRELUDE IN D FL T MINOR

    9n the way to the chape they paed thro!gh the "ain body of the ho!e. The

    "!ty "e which had been noticeabe in the od adie: fat intenified% catching

    at noe and throat.

    ;Thi pace i p!re boody "ingin:%< aid !i*an.

    ;-t i bady in need of reno*ation% indeed%< aid 3acorey.

    ;!t ook%< aid &!nda% ;that: rea cay = they:*e got that f!rry iia"

    3orri wapaper.<

    ;That%< aid &e*orgia% ;i "o!d. hoe r!ddy ho!e i ai*e with it.

    e% what - ay i% after "e the de!ge.<

    ;/ook ike it: ahead o: ched!e% then%< "!ttered !i*an% ooking !p toee where the drip were co"ing fro" and tepping deicatey o*er the 4!eching

    carpet !nderfoot. ;-ndoor paddy fied = there: a no*ety% we.<

    ;hat: that yo!:re aying% 3r >?<

    ;'addy Fied% the we@known -rih ing!it. 'oor b!gger co!dny te hi

    6re fro" hi ebow.<

    ;&on:t tak rot< napped &e*orgia. ;8ot eno!gh of the rea thing aro!nd

    here to be gettin: by on.<

    They went on in ience. Foowing the od ady% &!nda beca"e aware of a

    ditinct creaking noie. At firt he wondered if it wa her Boint% b!t conc!ded

    that% !nder the oied yeow ba@gown% he wa wearing coret. They proceeded

    aong a corridor with wa botched with da"p and "arked by rectang!ar 

     patche where painting had once h!ng. &e*orgia witched on a torch% b!t it

    anae"ic ight did itte to brighten the cene. ;o! can ha*e a ook at the

    "intre: gaery if yo! ike. Hang on a tick and -: ight the ga in there. -t: dry%

    at any rate.< aying which% he diappeared thro!gh a c!rtained archway to the

    eft% c!tching her o!t@at@ebow cardigan aro!nd her.

    ;+ow% there: an attraction%< aid !i*an% ;a wee oai of dryne% eh?

    e% whoopidooh.< He nee,ed eDpoi*ey.

    ;&anie% peae% no arca"%< aid 3acorey. ;e "!tn:t p!t her back !p

    now% not when we:*e co"e o far.<

    ;arca"? +othin: arcatic abo!t it = that wa totay honet an: incere

    nee,in:% Ah: h!* ye know.

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    A "eow gow appeared behind the ragged% dirty c!rtain. ;After yo! with

    the "intre%< aid &!nda.

    ;- drea"t - dwe@het in "arbe ha@choo< !i*an: ong wa c!t hort by

    renewed nee,ing. The three of the" entered the gaery. They fo!nd the"e*e

    on a raied patfor" abo*e a hadowy ha echoing with e"ptine% the ban4!eting ha of Eendreich Ho!e. The red ight of the dying day tinted the

    !pper pane of the enor"o! window b!t tr!gged to penetrate the acc!"!ated

    gri"e.

    The "intre: gaery wa at firt ight of i"ited interet% B!t another 

    e"pty pace owy !cc!"bing to the force of decay. ;&on:t ean on the

    raiing%< ca!tioned the ady of the ho!e% ;or we: be craping yo! off the foor 

    down there. 9h% and taking of foor% take a ook at thi.< he witched the torch

     back on to how the" a faint ine of "arking on the foor% paired feet@haped

    "arking aong the ine of the !pect raiing. There were% he tod the"% o"e

    pecia effect which co!d ony be appreciated fro" certain fiDed poition.

    ;6r% what ort of effect% eDacty?< aked &!nda% wiing to how interet.

    ;9h% teing yo! in ad*ance wo!d poi the !rprie.< &e*orgia capped

    her hand in a poiti*ey girih fahion. ;The !rprie i a part of the f!n% don:t

    y:know? +ow% if yo!:d B!t tand here% 3r 3acwhatit ><

    ;orey = it: 3acorey.<

    ;9h% don:t apoogie +e*er eDpain% ne*er apoogie: > who wa it aid

    that? And yo!% here% in the "idde. That: it > o*ey.< he ined the" !p in order 

    of height% 3acorey the taet% then &!nda% and !i*an nearet the doorway.

    ;9kay%< he aid% once they were poitioned to her iking% ;tand !p

    traight% no o!chin:% tay right where yo! are whie - go down and t!rn it on.<

    he wa*ed a hand to indicate the ca*erno! goo" of the ban4!eting ha. ;Eeep

    yo!r eye on that chandeier% got it?< he went off and they heard her foottep

    opping away down the corridor.

    They waited in a ience crepitating with "a% "yterio! noie which

    the popping of the gaight do"inated b!t did not "ak% o!nd of the od

     b!iding: grad!a de"ie. 3acorey tood ta ike a g!ard"an whie the other 

    two foded their ar" and h!nched their ho!der againt the chi. ;e% b!gger thi for a ga"e o: odier%< aid !i*an% abandoning hi pot in fa*o!r of a

    o!nging pot!re in the doorway.

    3acorey per!aded hi" back into ine. ;e ha*e to h!"o!r the wo"an%<

    he !rged. ;The chape > it: *ita we ha*e a ook ro!nd the chape. -f there are

    c!e% that: the "ot ikey pace to find the"% and thi "ay be o!r ony chance to

    ee it.<

    A door creaked open beow. ;A et !p there?< caed &e*orgia. ;+ow%

    keep watching the chandeier% "ind. tand !p traight% that "an on the eft<

    &!nda fiDed hi eye on the nearet chandeier. -t aterford cryta!tre were tarnihed and d!ed by d!t% and wag of backened piderweb

    h!ng fro" it% waying in the dra!ght fro" a broken window o"ewhere. &iffic!t

    to i"agine it ighting cene of feating and re*ery in ong gone day before

    deoation ca"e to Eendreich Ho!e. ;hen wa thi pace at in !e% d:yo!

    know?< he in4!ired.

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    ;9!ch< went 3acorey. &!nda wa t!rning to ee what had happened

    when he too wa tr!ck on the head by a padded ha""er winging down fro" the

    ceiing. ;9w< went &!nda. !i*an Berked hi head away fro" the third

    ha""er% b!t not 4!icky eno!gh to a*oid a gancing bow. ;9oyah< he yeed.

    ;That h!rt% ya od bitch<

    ;A i"pe% "eodio! o!ch: !ffice% 3r >< repied &e*orgia. Then

    fro" the depth beow ca"e an eerie% witch@ike cacking% echoing and re@echoing

    aro!nd the *at e"pty pace. The at of the cri"geo!r wa a!ghing.

    ;ear ince -:*e had the chance to p! that one%< he tod the" when they

     Boined her in the ha% ti ch!cking to heref and ignoring !i*an: back ook

    and the reproachf! eye of the other. 3acorey wanted to know the hitory of 

    the !n!!a "echani" that had B!t been de"ontrated. Thi% the od ady

    infor"ed the"% wa the ceebrated h!"an Dyophone% the creation of one

    arthoo"ew cri"geo!r% dating fro" 1##. he howed the" the keyboard% a

    harpichord adapted to the p!rpoe and connected to the ha""er abo*e by aneaborate yte" of wire and p!ey.

    ;arthoo"ew: eder brother ea!regarde went off to Boin the 'retender 

    and fe at C!oden a"ong the bare@ared highander > no fit co"pany for a

    gente"an. art wa kept ho"e by hi father to afeg!ard the fa"iy fort!ne

    whate*er way the cookie cr!"bed. Fr!trated in hi "artia a"bition% he t!rned

    to "!ic and in*entin: thing. The re!t wa the Dyophone.<

    ;Ah !ppoe he tried it o!t on "e"ber o: the fa"iy?< !ggeted !i*an%

    r!bbing hi head in a pointed "anner. ;That co!d acco!nt for a good dea ><

    ;Certainy not Fa"iy had an ade4!ate !ppy of ackey and peaant

     back then% for yo!r infor"ation. art wo!d go to great pain eectin: "en of 

    grad!ated i,e and ti"bre of *oice for hi perfor"ance. &r Gohnon% -: ha*e

    yo! know% wa greaty i"preed by art: concerto for groan and *ioin:% the

    core of which ha !nfort!natey got ot.<

    !i*an wa heard to "!tter abo!t that being one good thing at eat% and

    wa ro!ndy tod to top whinging abo!t a itte tap on the head. ;ob!t ene of 

    h!"o!r they had in thoe day. +ot ike today: iy ot.

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    CH PTER ONE

    &!nda had tod no@one abo!t it. He p!r!ed hi reearch and eDperi"ent in

    ecret% not o!t of "odety = when the day of hi tri!"ph arri*ed% he:d ho!t it to

    the hea*en = b!t fro" the int!iti*e con*iction that ience and ecrecy were

    e"powering. abbing o!t yo!r a"bition% on the other hand% enfeebed the wi.

    -t co!d% "oreo*er% aro!e kindred a"bition in other% who "ight then go on to

    coop the poo. eca!e% gory apart% it wo!d !rey rain "oney on the peron

    who ca"e !p with the ong@o!ght o!tion to @@@@@@@@@@.

    o"eti"e he didn:t e*en te hi"ef what he wa !p to% proceeding% a it

    were% in a fit of abent@"indedne with eDperi"ent any one of which% ike the

    pontaneo! generation of peniciin in Fe"ing: !nwahed petri@dih% "ight ead

    to that e!reka "o"ent.

    The e4!ip"ent re4!ired wa neither eDteni*e nor obtr!i*e% and

    doc!"entation wa kept to a "ini"!". Iiitor to &!nda: bed@it at 2J 3!ngo

    t% 8agow Cowcadden wo!d ha*e fo!nd itte to pro*oke pec!ation = B!t a

    "otey coection of Bar and botte% a ooe@eaf foder with a grey cardboard

    co*er% and = the ony !ggeti*e ite" = "ore "irror than the occ!pant: ho"ey

    forty year@od feat!re wo!d ee" to warrant.

    A toen gance at the content of the foder wo!d ha*e eft the *iitor 

    itte% if any% the wier. The b!k of it conited of it of date% with the briefet

    indication of the re!t obtained fro" a *ariety of eDperi"enta approache to

    @@@@@@@@@.

    o"e typica entrieK

    Friday% 3ay 2rd% 1 = nothing

    T!eday% G!ne #th% 1 = nothing

    Friday% G!ne 1#th% 1 = nothing

    3onday% G!ne 20th% 1= nothing

    !nday% G!ne 2Jth% 1 = nothing

    T!eday% G!y 5th% 1 = nothing

    !nday% G!y 10th% 1 = nothing

    edneday% G!y 20th% 1 = nothing

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    Th!rday% G!y 2$th% 1 = nothing

    A eer "an% faced with !ch conitenty negati*e re!t% wo!d ha*e

    grown dico!raged% conc!ded% perhap% that the probe" wa ino!be% and

    taken !p Tai@Chi or gardening intead. +ot o &!nda% howe*er. A he aw it% hewa engaged in a proce of ei"ination in which e*ery bank drawn% e*ery dead

    end eDpored% bro!ght the "ethodica reearcher coer to the goa.

    !nday% A!g!t #th% 1 = nothing

    T!eday% A!g!t 1Jth% 1 = nothing

    3onday% A!g!t 22nd% 1 (bank hoiday) = nothing

    Th!rday% epte"ber 1t% 1 = nothing

    And o the great day of dico*ery ca"e that itte bit coer.

    And "eanwhie > "eanwhie &!nda wa obiged to be at a ti"e

    a*aiabe for work% a per hi Bob@eeker: contract. He attended the oca Gob

    Centre% canned the it *ac notice@board% went on the reco""ended co!re%

    took aptit!de tet% and appied for the tip!ated n!"ber of Bob per "onth. He

    wa% in hort% the *ery "ode of a Bob@eeker. He had gi*en ti"e and attention to

    honing hi Bob@eeking ki to a high e*e of efficiency. Finding Bob wa not a

     probe" = it wa getting the" and keeping the" that defeated hi". He wa one of the onget@er*ing Bob@eeker on the book.

    9n the abo*e@"entioned Th!rday% the 1t  of epte"ber on which% yet

    again% hi reearch ca"e to nothing% &!nda preented hi"ef% according to

    ched!e% at the Gob Centre. He wa confronted by an !nfa"iiar face% a yo!ng

    wo"an with ank brown hair and pro"inent teeth. The card in the window

    identified her a a 3 3cEen,ie.

    ;here: 3r 'reton?< he aked. ;- away ee 3r 'reton.<

    ;3r 'reton i on ea*e at the "o"ent. - wi be deaing with yo! for now. -

    hope >< he ga*e hi" the briefet of "ie > ;that o!r aociation wi behort. 'oiby% taking a freh ook at yo!r work credentia% - can ><

    ;hen: he co"in: back% we?<

    ;-f yo! "!t know% 3r 'reton ha appied for a tranfer. +ow% a - wa

    aying ><

    ;9h% and hi" and "e got on o we !t that: great new > it: what -:*e

     been tein: the boy for "onth now% no to get t!ck in a dead@end Bob. 6h% no

    offence% of co!re. o!:re new to it% aren:t yo!?<

    ;o!:re "y firt cient% 3r &!nda. And% - hope% "y firt ><

    ;Tho!ght a "!ch. They !!ay gi*e "e the new one. -t: kinda a rite of 

     paage hereabo!t% know what Ah "ean. e% nice to "eet yo!. e happy to

    hep yo! any way - can.

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    ;That: what we:re here for 3r > &!nda%< "!"bed an aready conf!ed

    3 3cEen,ie.

    ;o"e o: the chancer yo! get in here > yo! ha*e to keep yo!r wit abo!t

    yo!% eh no? Tro!be i% yo! being new an: that% yo!: get anded wi: a the

    hopee cae.< He get!red to the crowded benche% the d!@eyed% fidgetingocc!pant.

    ;H"% ye >< 3 3cEen,ie took a deep breath% h!ffed the paper in front

    of her% recaed her training and raied% taking her c!e fro" &!nda: at re"ark.

    ;+o cae i hopee% 3r &!nda. +ow>< he !ggeted they "ake a new tart

    in re*iewing hi it!ation. ;o"eti"e yo! B!t ha*e to co"e at thing fro" a

    different ange.<

    ;Lh!h% ike atera thinkin:% yo! "ean? Thinkin: o!t o: the boD.<

    ;6Dacty%< aid 3 3cEen,ie% b!iy croing and ticking the boDe on the

    heet of paper before her.

    ;o!r C.I%< he contin!ed% ;what wo!d yo! ay wa it tronget point?<

    ;3y 9@e*e in French.<

    ;French 9@e*e > o >< he "o*ed on to the neDt boD. ;And how do yo!

    en*iage thi faciitating yo!r e"poy"ent propect?<

    ;- think - wo!d "ake a good g!ide > a to!rit g!ide% that i% not > the

    other ort.<

    ;hat other ort i there?< The recording pen ho*ered% !ncertain whether 

    thi inp!t beonged in one boD% or two.

    ;The gir g!ide.<

    3 3cEen,ie eyed hi" !picio!y. &!nda "et her ga,e !nbinking% a

    "idne and cando!r.

    ;A to!rit g!ide >< he re!"ed. ;H" > we don:t ee "any French

    to!rit hereabo!t% do we?<

    ;That: what 3r 'reton aid%< aid &!nda% get!ring to de"ontrate hi

    grap of the 8aic tye of co""!nication. ;An: - tod hi"% it: B!t poor 

    ae"anhip% that: a. - p!t "y propoa for re*i*ing Franco@8agow reationin the etter - ent the 'ro*ot an: the French con!.<

    ;And what did they ay?< aid 3 3cEen,ie% ditractedy. he wa

    earching for a boD appropriate to thi atet ite".

    ;- ha*eny had a repy yet. The etter to the con! > it wa the a"e etter -

    ent the 'ro*ot% b!t in French% of co!re.<

    ;And when did yo! !b"it yo!r > propoa?<

    ;3ind yo!% -:" !re the French con! here peak perfecty good 6ngih.

    -t: part o: the what yo! "ight ca the Francophobe agenda to portray o!r Frenchfriend a too arrogant to earn other peope: ang!age. 9n the other hand ><

    ;hen did yo! end thee etter?<

    ;Two year ago co"e +o*e"ber.

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    A ience inter*ened. The inter*iewer !"ped back in her eat and p!red

    her ip% taring at the inter*iewee a if not 4!ite crediting hi act!aity. The

    inter*iewee ret!rned her tare with a ook of g!iee innocence.

    6*ent!ay &!nda ceared hi throat genty to "ake a !ggetion. ;3r 

    'reton !ed to ak "e abo!t "y at pe of e"poy"ent.<A gance at the Gob Centre cock tod 3 3cEen,ie that the target inter*iew

    ti"e had a"ot eaped. !t he had not yet f!fied her et 4!ota of ticked and

    croed boDe. he a!nched into a barrage of 4!etion. here% when and how

    at e"poyed? &!ration of e"poy"ent? For what reaon e"poy"ent

    ter"inated? o!d yo! conider appying for work again a"e fied?

    ;To te yo! the tr!th%< began &!nda% reetting hi"ef "ore co"fortaby

    in the chair% ;- think -:*e been backbaed > or wo!d that be backited? >

    -:*e been backited by the hote ind!try in the et of cotand. There wa an

    incident% y:ee ><;e% we% the detai are probaby not tricty ree*ant to ><

    ;> an incident in*o*in: a 4!antity o: cooking oi and the window@boDe at

    the front of the hote. - > ah > watered the window@boDe with cooking oi. !t

    it wany "y fa!t% tein: yo! = it wa thon big eedgit o: a "anager. ee what it

    wa ike > it wa ike that caic "iitary cock@!p% yo!: "ind% at the batte o:

    aaca*a% when the whatyo!"acait > the > och% it: on the tip o: "y tong!e<

    ;indow ceaner?< !ggeted 3 3cEen,ie% whoe head wa tarting to

    pin. ;e% window ceaner% there: an opening yo! "ight care to conider > own

     bo% ow tart@!p in*et"ent = yo! co!d appy for a grant Cean% heathyo!tdoor work ><

    ;Aide@de@ca"p% that: it The aide@de@ca"p pointed o!t the wrong et o:

    g!n an: thon way Cardigan ead the poor boody /ight rigade into the *aey

    of death > into the fire fro" three ide ><

    ;Lh!h > fire brigade > not !re if yo!:d pa the phyica% b!t definitey

    worth a try.< 3 3cEen,ie% in a fren,y of boD@fiing% ga*e !p trying to keep

    abreat of &!nda: career in catering.

    ;> A in the *aey of death rode the iD h!ndred.:<

    ;Lndertaker% right. There: not "any intereted in taking !p that ine of 

    work% o yo!:d ha*e a good chance. 9k% that: three good% oid idea we:*e co"e

    !p with to get yo! back into e"poy"ent.<

    ;> o%< &!nda conc!ded% ;it wa the "anager "ade the "itake% hi"

     pointin: to the tap on the big dr!" of cooking oi% no to the water tap that wa

    yard to the eft of it. !re% - noticed it wany water co"in: o!t that dr!" >

    tho!ght "aybe it wa o"e kind o: pant food. - "ean% he wa the "anager% he

    directed "e to the dr!"% - tho!ght he knew what he wa doin:. 6r% what: thi?<

    3 3cEen,ie wa p!hing a paper at hi".

    ;-t: the protoco. ign here% peae. And thi i yo!r copy. e"e"ber to

     bring it back in two week ti"e. 9r get yo!r e"poyer to fi in the for" at the

     back% if yo! !cceed in ec!ring e"poy"ent before then.<

    ;!t yo! agree% don:t yo! > it wany fair "e gettin: the chop on acco!nt

    of hi" endin: "e to the wrong tap?

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    ;8oodbye% 3r &!nda% and good !ck. +eDt peae<

    ;3r 'reton agreed with "e. He aid ><

    ;+eDt<

    &!nda fo!nd hi"ef o!t on the treet with a piece of paper co""itting

    hi" to eek e"poy"ent at hi eariet con*enience a a window ceaner% or a

    fire"an% or o"ething caed a "ort!ary er*ice operati*e:. He co""itted the

     paper to the eariet con*enient bin and "ade hi way ho"eward% p!,,ed. How

    had the wo"an drea"t !p thoe partic!ar occ!pation? They:d had a peaant

    chat > pity to poi it with too "!ch protoco.

    T!rning the corner% he ran !p againt an obtace. -t wa a arge% d!ty@back 

     pra". The hood ca!ght hi" in the chet% the body ra""ed hi" in the g!t and the

    aDe bit painf!y into hi hin. hie he fo!ght to dientange hi"ef% hi ear

    were aaied by a hideo! bronchia creeching.

    ;3ind o!t% ya gaiket ba"pot% ye oody@we own the pa*e"ent% dae ye?<

    Thro!gh watering eye% &!nda percei*ed that the creecher wa a bent od

    wo"an in a pink cardigan b!ttoned !p to the neck and a ong tartan kirt. A

    headcarf fra"ed a brown% wrinked face i*id with acc!ation.

    ;ee if ye:*e ga!n an: wakened the wean% "iter >?<

    &!nda fet intanty aha"ed of the brief i"p!e to *ioence that had

    ei,ed hi". ;-:" o orry%< he aid% approaching the od ady and poitey

    repreing any reaction to the powerf! tench of .9. and cheap cent that h!ng

    abo!t her.'oitene f!rther re4!ired hi" to *iew and appro*e of the baby% her 

    grandchid% pre!"aby. ;- B!t dote on babie%< he ied. ;3ind if - take a ook at

    the wee o!?<

    The crone oftened her eDpreion% baring her few !r*i*ing teeth in what

    he took to be a "ie. &!nda bent down to ook inide the pra"% and wa

    !rpried to ee that the baby% !nder a pink wooy bonnet e*era i,e too arge%

    wa back. -t "et a"ot a bad a it grannie.

    -t opened it "o!th in a yawn% howing harp white fang on red g!". -t

    wa a cat.

    ;e?< i"pered the hag% praying ai*a% ;whit d:ye think o: "a baby?

    -n:t he the wee darin:% b!t?<

    &!nda ooked her in the eye% aw "adne in thoe !nken% !nfoc!ed

    orb% and ooked away again. ;Ay% right eno!gh%< he "!"bed% ;he: in a ca of 

    her own% that one.<

    He i"ped off% ea*ing the creat!re dribbing endear"ent into the pra". -t

    wa pitif!. hat co!d he% a a f!y paid@!p "e"ber of the h!"an race% do

    abo!t !ch degradation? He co!d% he reaied% "ake a good tory o!t of it to tehi drinking cronie at the 6"piricit: Ar": >

    ;> then what doe he do b!t !nb!tton her cardie an: whip o!t thi

    withered !"p o: feh > it: hinging down practicay to her wait% and B!icee

    > !ee an: B!icee% yo! co!d ay > b!t there he i offerin: it to the cat% an:

    the cat: no intereted% an: the od da"e: tartin: to oe her rag > Then >

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    Then &!nda t!rned another corner and ot a track of the tae he:d been

    fabricating. The ky !ddeny brightened% fower boo"ed o!t of eaon and

     birdong fied the air. He had ighted% o"e way down the treet% a wo"an. he

    ported a ha*en head with a high p!rpe cret. he wa wearing a ki"py b!t

    we@fied t@hirt% a i*er@"eh "inikirt and hiny red boot with high hee. he

    wa the ony wo"an in the word for hi"% the o*ey% the inco"parabe% the e*er@e!i*e one.

    Their reationhip went back e*era "onth to the night when &!nda%

    hocked to ee !ch a deicate creat!re o!t and abo!t in peting rain witho!t o

    "!ch a an !"brea to hied her% had in*ited her !p to hi roo" ;for a war".<

    To hi !rprie% he had accepted. Then% whie he wa engaged in ighting the

    te"pera"enta ga fire% he had tripped off her wet thing and got into hi bed.

    ;That: right%< &!nda had aid. ;-f a Bob: worth doin:% it: worth doin:

    we. -: B!t get o!t the cothe hore and yo!r t!ff: be fine and dry in no ti"e

    at a.<

    he had reponded with !en ience or abr!pt "onoyabic retort to hi

    atte"pt at "aking ight con*eration. he co"pained abo!t hi" not ha*ing a

    TI. he ent hi" o!t for chicken and chip% a botte of Coke% and cigarette.

    Finay% he had faen aeep hafway thro!gh hi acco!nt of how he had co"e to

    water the hote window@boDe with cooking@oi. &!nda had co*ered hi"ef with

    hi donkey@Backet and ept in the ar"chair.

    -n the grey ight of "orning he had wakened to find her !p and dreed and

    on the point of ea*ing. ;Hey% wait%< he aid. ;hat: yo!r na"e% b!t? o! ne*er 

    tet "e yo!r na"e.<

    ;tea.<

    ;tea > ata > o*ey na"e% that. -:" Gohn% by the way% Gohn &!nda.

    6h% tea what?<

    he gared at hi". ;hit: it tae yo!% onyway? Ah:" tea > tea

    Artoi% right< And with a "ocking creech of a!ghter he wa off.

    Artoi &ico*ering that he wa French ga*e her added a!re in hi eye%

    and ao er*ed to acco!nt for the c!rt way he had with the 6ngih ang!age.

    Her ee"ing r!dene wa "erey the inartic!acy of one tr!gging with aforeign tong!e. To!t co"prendre% c:et to!t pardoner: = the od aying had rarey%

    he fet% been "ore appropriate.

    &ico*ering the o of a fi*er fro" hi waet wa a tronger tet of 

    forbearance. He tod hi"ef that he:d been too hy to "ention her need. For a

    he knew% he had an aiing% bed@ridden "other to care for on inade4!ate ocia

    ec!rity benefit.

    There wa a 4!i*ery feeing in hi to"ach% and a f!h of heat that t!rned

    hi ear bright red. He wa% he reaied a at once% in o*e. Thi wa it then% the

    rea thing% the f! ro"antic work. Fort!natey% he wa prepared. o"e ti"e pre*io!y he had bo!ght a notebook with "arbed co*er and thick% crea"@

    coo!red paper. He wo!d write her a poe"% The teiad: in fi*e book of 

    twenty@fi*e tan,a each.

    tea% yo! are the taright of "y ife

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    -: be yo!r o*ing GoBo% yo! "y wife.: it began% pro"iingy eno!gh% in hi

    opinion. GoBo: wa to be her pet na"e for hi".

    After that firt ti"e% he had taken to co""andeering hi bed@it at

    irreg!ar inter*a. o"eti"e he wa dr!nk% b!t o"eti"e% to hi aar"% he

    wo!d appear with a back eye or br!ie% or with torn cothing. &!nda eethed

    with indignation on her behaf% b!t 4!icky earned to repect her i"patience of a4!etioning. Hi atte"pt to peak French ony ee"ed to enrage her% d!e%

    do!bte% to hi bad accent and fa!ty gra""ar.

    9n thee occaion% in any cae% there wa itte need of peech. -t had

     beco"e a ro!tine. The ate@night or eary@"orning knock at the door. A beary@

    eyed &!nda cra"bing to open. tea enter% and wait in ience% face a*erted%

    a he dree. He ook at her in "!te appea% b!t he repond with a hake of the

    head and a get!re in*iting hi" to "ake hi"ef carce. 9n hi way o!t% he

    "!"be a 4!etion. he tick o!t her hand and take hi "oney. A oon a he

    i o*er the threhod the door coe fir"y behind hi".&epending on the ti"e% he wo!d then wak the treet ti "orning% or p!t

    !p for the night on the i*ing@roo" co!ch at hi brother &o!g: pace in 'ook.

    hiche*er% he went hi way with bowed head and a hea*y heart. !t what co!d

    yo! eDpect% when yo! "ea!red o!t yo!r ife in attendance at the Gob Centre?

    o"e day% tho!gh > when hi hip ca"e in% when he preented the word

    with the o!tion to @@@@@@@@@ Then% and then ony% wo!d he be worthy of her >

    Approaching her now% he aw that he wan:t aone. he wa with one of 

    her n!"ero! !nce that he:d tod hi" abo!t in a rare b!rt of confidentiaity.

    They were h!gging each other in a !rpriingy paionate "anner. For thee8aic type% he !r"ied% thi wa the e4!i*aent of a war" handhake. A an

    ardent Francophie% &!nda regretted the accident of birth which had depoited

    hi" o!twith the co!ntry he regarded a hi pirit!a ho"eand% a"ong e

     phyicay de"ontrati*e peope.

    tea% he knew% had a i"ited co""and of 6ngih% b!t the !nce wa an

    !nknown 4!antity. &!nda fet co!rtey@bo!nd% accordingy% to open con*eration

    in French. The French% he knew% re*ered phioopher >

    ;onBo!r% "onie!r%< he addreed the !nce of tea. ;&ite@"oi% :i *o!

     pait% 4!e pene,@*o! de &ecarte?<

    ith a noie ike a ink@p!nger diengaging fro" a drain% the !nce

    retracted hi tong!e fro" tea: throat. ;Co"e again% Gi""y?<

    ;'aron FranMai% donc. &ecarte% a "on a*i% a*ait pa pener a! dehor

    de a boite.<

    ;ho: thi way% an: what the f!ck: he oan aboot? Haw% tea% d:yo!

    know thi g!y?<

    tea t!rned her bank ga,e on &!nda and hook her head o *igoro!y

    that one of her fae eyeahe ca"e off and parapaned downwind ike a pider.;+aw< he aid. &enying hi"% the "inD

    ;Away tae f!ck then% bady<

    ;How we yo! peak o!r ang!age%< &!nda tod the obber@ipped%

    "!c!ar oaf% t!rning to go. A f!rti*e backward gance wa rewarded with ight

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    of the beo*ed: p!"p b!ttock and "ini"ait ingerie a her kirt rode !p !nder 

    renewed a*!nc!ar h!gging.

    ighing% i"ping% and eDperiencing o"e diffic!tie in the crotch region%

    &!nda went on ho"e. Ho"e wa a one@roo" fat in a cr!"bing two@torey

    ho!e at the end of 3!ngo treet% neDt to a fyo*er the dark !nderide of whichwa a pop!ar hang@o!t of wino% down@and@o!t and g!e@niffing teenager. The

    gro!nd foor fat wa occ!pied by the /o*e. 3r and 3r /o*e had a n!"ber of 

    not@noed brat% a dog caed Fang% and a do!btf! rep!tation. The !ptair fat

    had been partitioned. 2JC% neDt to &!nda: roo"% wa c!rrenty !net% tho!gh

    &!nda o"eti"e heard noie of occ!pation co"ing fro" neDt door% and

    !pected the /o*e of ha*ing picked the ock and of harbo!ring d!bio!

    character of their ac4!aintance in the e"pty bed@it.

    eaching hi roo" !n"oeted% &!nda decided to !bi"ate hi !rge in

    the interet of cience% not to "ention hi f!t!re weath and fa"e. He got o!t the

    grey foder% which had 'roBect : incribed on the co*er in neat red ettering.Caref!y adB!ting the "irror% he et !p the reading a"p to gi*e opti"a *iion.

    Ten "in!te ater% he recorded the re!tK

    Th!rday% epte"ber 1t% 1 (afternoon) = nothing.

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    CH PTER TWO

    ;>pay g!id "oney for a badne c!re that worked ><

    Thee word Berked &!nda o!t of a daydrea" in which he wa rich%fa"o!% and dic!ing honey"oon ocation with tea Artoi in !ni"peachabe

    French.

    They Berked hi" back to the n!g of the 6"piricit: Ar"% where a"

    3cAiter wa hoding forth to an a!dience coniting of !i*an% 3acorey

    the /ewi"an% and% a of hi at re"ark% &!nda hi"ef.

    ;hat get "e%< contin!ed 3cAiter% ;i bein: abe to grow hair on "a

    face nae bother% where Ah don:t want it. !t a for !p here >< he indicated hi

    cap% naked% f!hed and hiny with perpiration% ;nothin: doin:. hat Ah "ean

    to ay i% it: a kinda per*ere arrange"ent% eh no?< aying which% he foded hiar" and gowered aro!nd the tabe% defying anyone to arg!e hi" o!t of !ch a

    egiti"ate grie*ance.

    !i*an% ne*er a*ere to paying the roe of picador to 3cAiter: b!%

    ficked back the ock of back hair that tended to get in hi eye and ai"ed a dart.

    ;-n thee day o: gene "anip!ation an: t!ff% new "edica "irace by the "onth%

    ye:d think they co!d ay on a traightforward kin graft ike that.<

    ;hat: kin graft got tae dae wi: it? tick to the point% we.<

    ;i"pe. hift the kin frae Baw and neck on top% tick the bady bit down

     beow% and there ye are > one fine% nat!ray@grown% h!ndred percent organichead o: hair to yo!% ir o!dn:t ye o*e to ha*e the ike o: 3ac here: beard

    growin: on yer n!t% now?< 3acorey troked the beard in 4!etion% which wa

    ong and c!ry and brownih@grey in coo!r% b!t decined to get in*o*ed in the

    fray.

    ;oock< napped 3cAiter. ;Tak ene% or dinna tak at a.< He

    conoed hi"ef with a ong dra!ght of H!"e: 6nighten"ent Ae% the peciaity

    of the ho!e.

    ;:no boock at a. kin i kin% :cept that o"e o: it grow hair and o"e

    o: it doeny. And > what abo!t the coatera benefit? H!* ye tho!ght o: the"?<

    ;hat d:ye "ean% coatera benefit:%< gr!"bed 3cAiter.

    ;Thrown in wi: the Bob at no eDtra cot G!t think o: the a*in: in ti"e an:

    "oney fro" no e*er ha*in: to ha*e again That: the bea!ty o: it = t!rn a

    iabiity into an aet in a oner.

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    ;H"ph< went 3cAiter.

    ;Act!ay% they did try o"ethin: of the ort >< &!nda% againt hi better 

     B!dge"ent% Boined in. ;At thi reearch intit!te in > eh > Caifornia. 6ary

    re!t were rep!ted to be pro"iing% *ery pro"iing% b!t >< He pa!ed for a

    wig of beer and inpiration.;!t what?< There wa hope in 3cAiter: eye% a g!ibiity won o!t

    o*er ceptici".

    ;!t the fina report wa !ppreed% f!nding withdrawn% and the tea"

    dipered to *ario! far@f!ng part of the word. o"e to the Tropic ><

    ;> o"e to Antarctica%< p!t in !i*an% dead@pan. ;eah% Ah "ind o: it

    now.<

    ;!t why the he did they dae that?< proteted 3cAiter. ;3ean to ay%

    wo!d:*e "ade their fort!ne% an operation ike that. There: a big eno!gh

    de"and% !rey.<

    ;Aye% an: !ppy o!ght to "eet de"and% in thi perfect capit@ait word%<

    aid !i*an. ;!t it: no that i"pe. Te a" what wa behind it% Gohn.<

    ;Thae big ra,or co"panie% that: who > 8iette% ikinon: an: the".

    o! canny ba"e the"% reay > they were ookin: at a i,eabe proportion o:

    their "arket gi*in: the" the bodywer*e if that there operation wa "ade

    a*aiabe to the bady p!bic.<

    ;An: they "ahed it !p%< aid !i*an% ooking con*incingy downcat.

    ;They p!t the knife in%< aid &!nda.

    ;Aw%< aid 3cAiter.

    ;!t ni deperand!"% a"%< aid !i*an. ;G!t a cap tranpant% then%

    that: do ye% won:t it? Take a trip to o"e third word co!ntry% get ahod of o"e

    dirt@poor Gohnny wi: penty of hair on :i n!t and ,ich a ee% pay hi" > or her%

    whate*er take yer fancy > a co!pa h!ndred 4!id to do a wap wi: yo!. ingo<

    ;- knew a "an once%< began 3acorey.

    ;hat d:ye reckon% Gohn?< aid !i*an. ;Co!dn:t ye B!t go for a" here

    when he: wingin: the" ho!der@ength% ra*en@back tree% wi: B!t a hint o:"!ky perf!"e? 9r an Afro% "ebbe? A bondie? it "ore eDpeni*e% that% b!t it:d

    et hi co"peDion off fair o*ey.<

    ;Ach% top arin: aboot< went 3cAiter. ;-t: a erio! 4!etion for ot o:

    fok% b!t yo!% yo! take nothin: erio!y% dae ye? 6*en yo!% that: a bady yere%

    Gohn ><

    ;Thi "an that - knew > we to te yo! the tr!th he wan:t a friend%

    eDacty% being "ore of the nat!re of a ca!a ac4!aintance ><

    ;o% what abo!t hi"% we?< aid !i*an% t!rning hi attention to

    3acorey and ea*ing 3cAiter to i""er. ;a he bonde or br!nette.<

    3acorey infor"ed the" that the "an in 4!etion had been% tricty

    peaking% neither% b!t totay bad. ;-n cone4!ence of which% o the poor feow

    "aintained% hi wife had eft hi".<

    ;here:d he go% we?

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    ;-f yo! "!t know% tho!gh it i carcey ree*ant to the affair% he ran off to

    the "ainand with an in!rance "an fro" Eye of /ochah.< -n the iting tone

    and "ea!red cadence of the Hebridean orator% 3acorey re*eaed that the

    ac4!aintance had !be4!enty checked into a pri*ate cinic for a hair@grafting

    operation of the type where hoe are p!nched in the cap for the inertion of new

    root@hair.

    3acorey pa!ed for effect% dropping hi eye to the tabe and caping hi

    hand in a re*erentia "anner. Ceary% the highpoint of the dra"a wa abo!t to

    !nfod >

    ;&on:t te !%< chipped in !i*an. ;Think Ah heard abo!t the cae.

    an:t that the one where they p!t the root in !pide down an: the g!y end !p

    "akin: "edica hitory = bad a e*er on the o!tide% b!t the hair growin: on the

    inide o: :i cap wein: o!t hi heid ike a p!"pkin? They had to c!t ><

    ;+ot at a o!:*e got it a wrong< 3acorey wa r!ffed o!t of hic!to"ary poie. ;The "an took a heart attack !nder the anaethetic and died. He

    wa a dentit on enbec!a.<

    The incone4!ence of thi at piece of infor"ation et !i*an and

    &!nda off on a a!ghter Bag.

    ;:no a a!ghin: "atter. The "an: deid< coded 3cAiter% ipping

    do!ry at hi pint. etting down hi "!g% he atte"pted to recai" the !bBect by

    re*erting to the origina grie*ance. ;h!t Ah w! ayin: i% hair grow

    e*erywhere ye don:t wantit. -n yer ear% yer noe% yer oDter. &oon here an: a

    >< He indicated the ower portion of hi beer drinker: pa!nch. ;3ean to ay%whit: the point o: a: that hair oan yer bey? hat good: it daein: there% we?<

    ;-t: part of o!r e*o!tionary heritage% a"%< aid 3acorey. ;/ike yo!r 

    appendiD% or the *etigia taibone at the bae of yo!r pine. That hair > it: a

    kind of h!"an f!r% to keep yo! war". -n the ice age ><

    ;Eeep "e war"% i it?< cried 3cAiter% getting heated. ;-t: preciey here

    >< he capped a hand to hi head% ;Ah fee the cod. e know yere% Gohn%< he

    appeaed to &!nda% ;it: no B!t a "atter o: yer appearance% or > or *anity% an:

    that.<

    ;e% ye:re no ha*in: a tranpant fro" down there%< aid !i*an.;-"agine% wakin: abo!t with a oad o: p!bic hair on yo!r heid. +o decent% no

    decent at a.<

    ;Ach% away Hair: hair. Fok:d ne*er know the difference.< 3cAiter 

    gared at !i*an a if thi hypothetica operation wa a reaity% and !i*an wa

     barring hi" fro" it.

    ;+o know the difference? hat% an: yer face on the front page o: the !n

    for e*erybody to ee? a"!e 3cAiter% % reported to be "akin: good progre

    after the firt e*er% gro!nd@breaking% bey@to@bonce kin@graft operation? 3an%

    yo!:d be fa"o!% b!t. Fa"o! > and h!nned by one and a.<The dic!ion% ha*ing reached the ogica i"it of iogicaity% gro!nd to a

    hat at thi point.

    NNN

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    &!nda had participated in baiting 3cAiter with fantay hair@

    repace"ent che"e% b!t there had been an edge of !neaine to hi a!ghter.

    For thi wa the area of reearch in which he hi"ef had a ong@tanding interet.

    Tr!e% 'roBect : had no !rgica ee"ent% b!t the !ti"ate goa wa the a"e.The notion had co"e to hi" one !""er "orning a he ay in bed awaiting

    o"e eDterna ti"!! that wo!d gi*e hi" a reaon to get !p that day. ird

    were twittering o!tide in the hedgerow% the /o*e were throwing thing at each

    other inide% and fro" the fyo*er ca"e the contant grind of traffic. oothed by

    thee fa"iiar o!nd% &!nda wa content to ie on% idy checking o*er the

    ordered i"picity of hi one@roo" habitat% with en@!ite bathroo" and own

    cooking faciitie.

    The far wa wa occ!pied by e*era tier of he*ing% bowed !nder a

    coniderabe weight of book. 'ride of pace on the "idde hef had beenaocated to a "a pater b!t of 'ato. The phioopher had a bad head b!ging

    with brain% and on thi head% at that partic!ar "o"ent% a !nbea" aighted%

    enhaoing the ancient 8reek and inpiring &!nda with a "iion in ife = the

    4!et for a non@!rgica treat"ent for badne.

    That which the "ind concei*e% &!nda beie*ed% "!t ha*e o"ewhere an

    obBecti*e correati*e. The wonder hair@retorer% then% aready eDited% abeit in

    o"e other g!ie. A he had to do wa find it% and tet it o!t on hi own bad

    head.

    He ooked for it now in hi i""ediate *icinity. The ee of at night:cocoa appeared to be the ony poibe candidate. e% it wa a ti"!ant% wan:t

    it? He reached down for the "!g% and fo!nd r!bbery kin o*er a tricke of i4!id.

    9*erco"ing hi dig!t% he "ahed it into a pate with hi forefinger and cooped

    it o!t onto hi head% cap pricking at the codne of it. He at !pright% keeping

    hi head teady% waiting for the t!ff to war" before r!bbing it in. He fe to

    daydrea"ing abo!t the f!t!re fa"e and weath to which the path he had B!t that

    "o"ent tarted aong wo!d !rey ead. +ewpaper write!p% tee*iion

    inter*iew% thee were a!red. 3ight he not apire to a +obe 'ri,e for er*ice

    to h!"anity?

    Then the doorbe rang. And rang again. 6*identy% the cae wa !rgent.Co!d it be tea Artoi in ditre? -t wan:t her !!a ti"e of day for caing on

    hi"% which "ight "ean that he wa "ore than !!ay ditreed. 'erhap% thi

    ti"e% he:d accept a ho!der to cry on > he co!d ha*e her choice of two.

    &!nda B!"ped o!t of bed% threw on hi d!ffe coat a an i"pro"pt! dreing@

    gown% and r!hed to open the door.

    3!ch to hi diappoint"ent% it wan:t tea Artoi. A fat itte "an with a

    "o!tache peered at &!nda with eye that wa"% "!ch enarged% behind the

    a4!ari!" ga of hi pectace. &!nda tood arreted in weco"ing "ode% ar"

    open and head co!rteo!y incined. He hatiy dropped hi ar"% and p!ed hicoat aro!nd hi" to concea hi b!e boDer hort. !t the *iitor: a4!eo! eye

    were fir"y fiDed on hi head.

    ;Aye% 3r Tho"on% it: yo!re:. 3!t be that ti"e o: the "onth again%<

    aid &!nda.

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    ;-t co"e ro!nd reg!ar% right eno!gh%< reponded the other% breaking off 

    hi cr!tiny of &!nda: head to !n,ip a back patic attachO cae and prod!ce a

    foder bo!nd in i"itation eather. Thi wa &!nda: rent book. Hi ditr!t of 

    co"p!teried banking yte" entaied thee "onthy *iit fro" the etting

    agency.

    ;How: thi weather !itin: yo!% then?< aked &!nda% paying for ti"e a

    he tried to re"e"ber which book he wa c!rrenty !ing a a c!rrent acco!nt. 3r 

    Tho"on didn:t repy. He wa taring ro!nd the roo" in a ditracted "anner%

    craning hi neck to eDa"ine the ceiing with partic!ar interet.

    &!nda riffed thro!gh The 8oden Trea!ry:% b!t got no Boy of either the

    caic or the ro"antic poet. He tried The 8oden ook of 3arc! A!rei!:%

    which fe open on a paage decrying the *anity of riche% b!t otherwie decined

    to ait hi".

    ;&o "!ch readin: yo!re:?< he in4!ired. !t 3r Tho"on wa engaged ininpecting the ceiing ight with it cracked% d!ty a"phade. A &!nda ooked

    on% he raied hi hand and capped% a if abo!t to a!nch into o"e wid /atin@

    A"erican dance.

    hr!gging off thi dipay of i*eine on the part of a nor"ay do!r and

    !nde"ontrati*e "an% &!nda reached !p to the top hef for The 8oden

    o!gh:% and hit pay dirt in the for" of r!ting fi*er and tenner. He co!nted o!t

    the re4!iite !" and t!rned ro!nd to offer it to the rent"an% who wa B!t

    e"erging fro" the bathroo"% ooking p!,,ed.

    ;o% where are yo! keepin: it% then?<;Eeepin: what?<

    ;The bird. o!r eae% et "e re"ind yo!% eDprey prohibit the keeping of 

     pet on the pre"ie. 6Dception cannot be "ade for bird. ird i pet% !nder 

    the "eaning of the pro*io. here: the bird?<

    ;ird? hat bird are yo! on abo!t?<

    ;The bird%< decared 3r Tho"on% pointing a forenic forefinger% ;that:

    hat on yo!r heid.<

    ;!t that: no birdhit. That: B!t >< &!nda p!ed !p on the *erge of re*eaing what "ight t!rn o!t to be a highy !crati*e ecret. Cod% congeaed

    cocoa (with two !gar) B!t "ight be the wonder for"!a the word wa waiting

    for.

    ;/ook ike birdhit to "e%< aid 3r Tho"on% beco"ing tr!c!ent. ;!t

    yo!:d know better% of co!re% eeing a it: yo! that: waking abo!t with a big

    dod o: the t!ff on yo!r napper. hat i it% we% if it: no birdhit?<

    ;6r"% er > it: birdhit% ye yo!:re right.< A gea" of tri!"ph fickered in

    the rent"an: fih@ike eye. ;!t there: no bird in here% tein: yo!. - wa B!t >

    eanin: o!t the windae% drinkin: in the air% ike% when a dirty great eag! ca"edown at "e ike a di*e@bo"ber. pat% bang on target irdtrike Then yo! rang

    the be ><

    -t o!nded good% co"ing fro" o"ebody ike &!nda% who ooked too

    "!ch of the innocent to be a iar. -t o!nded o good% he wa haf con*inced

    hi"ef for a "o"ent that !ch had been the way of it.