angle tv the end of a barnaby jones episode is playing. · the end of a "barnaby jones"...

ANGLE TV

The end of a "Barnaby Jones" episode is playing.

MANWell, detective, it looks like you fooled'em again.

BARNABY JONESAll in a days work I guess. I just hopethat next time... I don't have to run somuch.

Credits roll as the THEME MUSIC plays.

Lights up.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Mr. Garrison stands by the TV/VCR set-up in front of theclass. On the chalkboard: "Barnaby Jones as Cultural Text".

MR. GARRISONOkay children. What do you think BarnabyJones meant when he said 'This is not avictimless crime'?

The kids just stare blankly.

MR. GARRISONAnybody?

No answer.

MR. GARRISON (cont'd)Children were you paying attention?

KYLEMr. Garrison, we've been watching BarnabyJones repeats for eight days now. It'shard to keep paying attention.

MR. GARRISONOh well excuse me, Kyle. Why don't youjust FORGET what Barnaby Jones has tosay, why don't you NOT PAY ATTENTION toBarnaby Jones and then let's SEE how faryou get in society!

Kyle rolls his eyes.

MR. GARRISON (cont'd)Okay Stanly, why don't you tell us howBarnaby Jones knew the poison was in themilk?

STANCan't we just be like normal thirdgraders for a little while?

MR. GARRISONOh and what do you consider 'NORMAL'?

STANI dunno, like learn about art and musicand go on field trips and stuff.

The kids all go 'yeah!'.

MR. GARRISONWell, Mr. Smarty pants... It just sohappens we ARE going on a field triptomorrow!!

The kids all CHEER.

KIDSHOORAY!!

KYLETo where?!

MR. GARRISONTo the planetarium!

The kids all moan.

KIDSAW!!

CARTMANPlanetariums suck!!

MR. GARRISONOh now what's wrong with theplanetarium?!

STANIt's boring!

KYLEYeah, all the conserlations look alike.

MR. GARRISONWell too bad! You're all going to theplanetarium tomorrow and you're all goingto LOVE it!!

The kids all moan again. Garrison grabs a videotape.

MR. GARRISON (cont'd)In the meantime, we're going to watchepisode #203. 'Barnaby Under Siege'

The kids all moan. The tape starts but its a commercial.

MR. GARRISON (cont'd)Oh, sorry I taped these at home sothere's more commercials.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

TALENT GUYHey kids do you love Cheesy Poofs?

ANGLE - KIDS

KIDSYes.

TALENT GUYWell Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid tosing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watchfor our talent van as it goes around thecountry!

CARTMANI can sing the Cheesy Poof song!!

TALENT GUYIf you win, you could be picked to be inour next Cheesy Poof commercial! Soremember--

(singing)I love Cheesy PoofsYou love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy PoofsWe'd be lame.

As it repeats, Cartman joins in.

CARTMAN AND T.V.I love Cheesy PoofsYou love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy Poofswe'd be lame.

INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY

Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids. Mr. Garrison is standing atthe front.

MR. GARRISONOkay, children, let's quiet down so thenice bus driver can concentrate on theroad.

The kids don't quiet down at all.

MS. CRABTREE

That ain't how you do it. You do it likethis-

(screaming)SIT DOWN AND SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!

The kids all quickly sit down and get quiet.

MR. GARRISONOw. Jesus, lady.

EXT. PLANETARIUM - DAY

It's a small, cute little planetarium.

The bus comes flying into frame, and screeches to a halt.

INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY

Everyone goes flying to the front of the bus.

MS. CRABTREETHIS IS THE PLANETARIUM! WATCH YOUR STEPON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURTYOURSELVES!!!

Everyone looks up at Crabtree from their twister positions onthe floor.

KIDOwww....

EXT. PLANETARIUM

Everyone is out front of the little planetarium.

MR. GARRISONOkay children, now I'm going to remindyou that this is a planetarium, not aBangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.

A cheesy TALENT GUY in a Cheesy Poof talent search T-shirt isholding a microphone.

TALENT GUYDoes your child have what it takes to bethe next Cheesy Poof Anthem singer?

CARTMANHEY!! THERE IT IS!!!!

Also parked in front of the planetarium is a decorative vanwith a huge satellite dish on the top. It says 'Cheesy PoofTalent Bus' on the side.

TALENT GUYWe're going around the country to findthe kid who can sing the Cheesy Poof song

better than anybody--

CARTMANI can sing the Cheesy Poof song with bothhands tied behind my back!

KYLEYou couldn't GET both your arms behindyour back, fat ass.

MR. GARRISONCome on, Eric we're going to theplanetarium.

CARTMANBut I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofsong for that talent van!

MR. GARRISONNo you have to go in this building andsee a bunch of stupid stars. Now come on.

CARTMAN(Like a pig)

But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poof songseriously!!

INT. PLANETARIUM - DAY

The planetarium is very typical on the inside. An olderlooking man named DR. ADAMS walks in front of the kids.

DOCTOR ADAMSHello, children. My name is Doctor Adams.Welcome to the plane-arium.

The kids all look confused.

KYLEI thought it was 'planeTarium'.

DOCTOR ADAMSWell it is. But I have a bone diseasewhich impedes my ability to pronounce theT in plane-arium.

MR. GARRISONThat's a pretty weird bone disease.

DOCTOR ADAMSYes, perhaps someday I can get a bonemarrow transplant. Yes little boy?

CARTMANHow long is that Cheesy Poof van going tooutside?

DOCTOR ADAMSwell I don't know, but anyway, boys andgirls, soon you'll be witnessing thewonders of the universe. But first I wantto show you how the plane-arium works.

CARTMANAs if we care.

Just then, a little girl appears. She is dressed in grey, andcarries a clipboard. Her eyes are glazed over and herexpression is distant.

KYLEHey, who are you?

The little girl doesn't answer. Quickly, Doctor Adams stepsin.

DOCTOR ADAMSLittle Missy here runs the big projectorfor us.

LITTLE GIRL(Blankly)

I love my work.

STANWow, dude, you're only as old as us.Shouldn't you be in school?

LITTLE GIRLI love my work.

OMINOUS MUSIC plays as Stan and Kyle look at each other.

DOCTOR ADAMSCome, let's get into the plane-arium,shall we?

INT. PLANETARIUM

It is a large planetarium with the big star machine in themiddle and plenty of comfy chairs filled with the children.

DR. ADAMS, the director of the planetarium, is dressed in alight blue jumpsuit.

DR. ADAMSGood morning children, and welcome to theplane-arium. We're going on a fascinatingride through the universe, so I want youto lean back in your chairs and getcomfortable.

Stan leans way back in his chair.

STANThis is stupid.

DOCTOR ADAMSAnd now, I'm going to dim the lights, andlet the stars... come out!

The lights dim.

The stars all shine brightly.

KYLE(Bored)

Whoopie...

Dr. Adams' voice starts narrating.

*NOTE - The following is all animated with STARS ONLY. We hear Dr.Adams voice, but we

do not see him. Maybe a couple of shots of the boys looking indifferent directions,

but other than that, it's all just stars.

We see the stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)Here we see the constellation called 'TheBig Dipper'. If I project a drawing of abig dipper on top of it-

A drawing of a big dipper is laid on top of the stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)-we see where this constellation gets itsname. These stars over here--

Kyle and Stan look at another section of stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)Form the constellation of Taurus The bull-

Again a drawing lays on top of the stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)While these stars --

Cut to another section of stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)Form the constellation 'Roger Ebert'.

A drawing of Roger Ebert lays on top of the stars.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)And these two little stars over here--

Cut to a pretty empty space with only two stars in it.

DR. ADAMS (O.S.)--Form the constellation "The Crusades"

An EXTREMELY detailed drawing of The Crusades. Tons ofpeople, horses, armor and killing.

Stan is looks over at the projector-

ANGLE - PROJECTOR

As the large projector moves, Stan sees another tranced-outlittle kid operating it.

ANGLE - STAN

He looks puzzled.

DR. ADAMSNow stars are actually made of hot gaswhich is exactly what comes out of....

Meanwhile, Cartman looks around, sees that nobody is watchinghim and gets up from his seat.

CARTMANOh man, screw this.

He slinks out of the planetarium.

ANGLE - CONTROL PANEL

We see Dr. Adams turn the dial to high intensity and watchthe stars form a hypnotic spiral effect.

INT. PLANETARIUM

The other kids looked absolutely stoned out of their gourdsas the star show continues.

DOCTOR ADAMSAnd now... Breathe deep as the starsslowwwwly start to move in littlecircles.

Everybody is in a trance.

DOCTOR ADAMS (cont'd)I know you think plane-ariums are boring,but I'm gonna try to change the way youthink about that.

Doctor Adams turns a little dial, and the stars start to movefaster.

EXT. PLANETARIUM - CHEESY POOF VAN - DAY

Cartman walks up to the Cheesy Poof van, just as a frecklefaced KID is finishing singing the song to a video camera.

KID(singing)

...you love Cheesy Poofs, if we didn'teat Cheesy Poofs we'd be lame!!

TALENT GUYThat was great, Tommy. Tommy Fretz fromTorrey Pines. He could be our winner.

CARTMANExcuse me, but I do believe that suckedass.

TALENT GUYOh, and what's your name little boy.

CARTMANEric Cartman.

TALENT GUY(To camera)

Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it ashot.

Cartman clears his throat.

CARTMAN(Operatic)

I love Cheesy PoofsYou love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy PoofsWe'd be lame

Then Cartman vamps on his own.

CARTMANI'm talkin' Night Court in its fifthseason lllaaammmmeeeeeee!!

The talent guy is dazzled.

TALENT GUYWOW!

Cartman turns to the other little boy.

CARTMANThat's right, suck on that.


The kids wobble out of the planetarium. Mr. Garrison joinsthem.

MR. GARRISONWell, kids, how did you like theplanetarium?

KYLEOh man, I don't feel so good.

STANMe neither. But I LOVE the planetarium!!

KYLEMe too, it was sweet!!!

MR. GARRISONReally? What did you like best about it?

The kids can't seem to answer.

KYLEI don't know.

STANI don't even remember what happened.

MR. GARRISONWait a minute where is Eric?

Just then Eric runs up.

CARTMANI did it!! I did it!!

KYLEDid what?

CARTMANI got a callback for the Cheesy Poofssong!

MR. GARRISONYou snuck off and sang that stupid song?

CARTMANYeah, dude, but I got in the finals fortomorrow!!

Doctor Adams walks out.

DOCTOR ADAMSGoodbye, children, thanks for visiting.Don't forget we have laser rock shows atnight here at plane-arium. This week it'sLaser Kenny Loggins and Laser JamesTaylor.

INT. BUS - DAY

The kids are in the bus, on their way back.

KYLEMy head still feels funny.

STANYeah, mine too.

CARTMANYou guys, when I'm doing that CheesyPoofs commercial, I bet I get all thefree Cheesy Poofs I want!!

KYLELike you really need it, hippo ass.

CARTMANIt's sad how jealous you are Kyle. Itreally is.

Suddenly, a little kid named VANGELDER, wearing the same greyuniform that the other planetarium workers had on, pops upfrom one of the seats.

VANGELDERAHGHGHGH!!!

KIDSAHAGHAGH!!!

KYLEWoa, dude, who the hell are you?!

The kid tries to speak, but he is sweating and in pain.

VANGELDERMy... Name... is... Van... GELDER.

STANVangelder? Well what the hell are youdoing on our bus?

(Calling)Mr. Garrison, there's a freaky kid fromthe planetarium on our bus!

MR. GARRISONOh great, well I guess we have to goback.

VANGELDERNO! DON'T GO BACK!! NOO!!

Vangelder wildly starts swinging his arms around.

CARTMANHey be careful, asshole!

VANGELDERPlease!! Don't take me back there!!Can't... Can't!!!

STANAlright, dude, mellow out. Jeez.

The boy collapses. Garrison runs to his side.

MR. GARRISONWe better get him to the nurse's office,STAT!

EXT. NURSES OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. NURSES OFFICE - DAY

Little Vangelder is lying on the nurses table. He is strappeddown. The nurse and Mr. Mackey are standing over him.

VANGELDERAGH!! Planetarium! AGH!!

NURSE GOLLEMI'll give him a painkiller. That shouldcalm him down.

VANGELDERNo! No, painkiller! I'll be okay.

MR. MACKEYOkay, uh, Vangelder, okay, I'm counselorMackey. Have you been smoking marijuana?Marijuana's bad. Mkay?

VANGELDERMust tell... The Machine... The Machineis...

But the pain becomes to great and Vangelder collapses downagain.

MR. MACKEYWell I've never seen anything like this.What do you think principal?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIAWell whatever happened to him, happenedat the planetarium.

VANGELDERAagh... Planetarium......

PRINCIPAL VICTORIAI think tonight the planetarium's doing

Laser Loggins. I might have to check itout.

EXT. PLANETARIUM - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. PLANETARIUM - NIGHT

Stan, Kyle and Kenny are all sitting in their same seats,watching the planetarium roof as lasers fly all over theplace to Kenny Loggins MUSIC.

KENNY LOGGINSI'm turning it loose! Footloose! Kick offmy Sunday Shoes! Please! Louise! Pull meoff a my knees!

* NOTE - we're gonna beef up the laser Loggins show. Makethis section longer since it's only music and gay laserlights.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIAOh man this is boring.

MANYeah, who the heck finds this stuffinteresting?

WHIP PAN over to our two hippies from "Ike's Wee Wee",they're LOVING the show.

HIPPIE 1Dude, this is totally killer.

HIPPIE 2I hope this goes on for like, sevenmonths, man.

Now we see Doctor Adams walk over to his big dial.

He cranks it up to 'Danger level'.

Suddenly, the boys' expressions go blank.

DOCTOR ADAMSYOU WILL NOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS HERE.TO REMEMBER IT WILL CAUSE INCREDIBLEPAIN!!!

The boys again look like vegetables.

DOCTOR ADAMS (cont'd)INCREDIBLE PAIN!!!

Doctor Adams cranks the dial up more.

DOCTOR ADAMS (cont'd)INCREDIBLE, ICKY PAIN!!!!

HIPPIE 1Dude I'm totally tripping.

HIPPIE 2This is totally killer.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT II

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

Establishing.

INT. SCHOOL - DAY

MR. GARRISONOkay, children, today we're going to learnall about Japanese poems called 'Haiku'. A'Haiku' is just like a normal Americanpoem, except that it doesn't rhyme andit's totally stupid. For example - Uh -where is Eric Cartman?

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

STANThat's a haiku?

MR. GARRISONNo, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't atschool.

STANOh.

MR. GARRISONWas he on the school bus this morning?

STANNo.

KYLE(Counting syllables on hisfingers)

Fatass Cartman was Noton the school bus today Whata big fat turd.

MR. GARRISONOh... Very good, haiku, Kyle.

(Going to chalkboard)Yes, Haiku's have five syllables thenseven then five. Kenny can you give us

another example?

KENNYMph rmph rm rmph rmMphrm rmph rm rm rm mphMph rm mph m mph

The kids all laugh.

STANWhat's a discharge?

Kyle raises his hand.

KYLEMr. Garrison, since haikus suck so muchass, can we go to the planetarium again?

STANYeah, I wanna go to the planetarium againtoo!

MR. GARRISONBut you were just there. Why do you wantto go again so soon?

The boys think for a long time. Finally, Stan turns to Kyle.

STANYeah, why DO we wanna go again?

KYLEI don't know. I just have this sudden urgeto get back.

MR. GARRISONWell, I guess we could we go again sinceit's just down the street...

Just then, the classroom door bursts open. Cartman stands inthe doorway holding something.

CARTMANWell, hello. It's all my little friendswith their little dreams.

MR. GARRISONEric, where have you been?

Cartman struts in the room.

CARTMANLet's see, where have I been? Where have Ibeen?

STANWhere have you been Cartman?

CARTMANWell, I MIGHT have been over at the CheesyPoof callbacks WINNING REGIONALCHAMPIONSHIPS!!!

The kids all gasp. Cartman holds up his certificate. It says'Cheesy Poof Anthem regional Champion'.

CARTMANTHIS is my regional champion certificate.Do you like it? Say, where is YOURregional champion certificate, Clyde? Oh,you don't have one? Hmmm, do YOU have aregional certificate, Wendy? No?apparently only I do.

KYLE(counting syllables)

Ass full of pork fatJiggles like a Jello moldmouth is flapping too

CARTMANYour haiku insults have no effect on me,Kyle. I'm regional champion.

STANDoes that mean you're gonna be in thatCheesy Poof commercial?

CARTMANIt's between me and four other kids. I'mon my way now with my mom to the finals.

KYLEI bet you don't winthey don't let big fat assesperform on TV.

MR. GARRISONVery good, Kyle.

CARTMAN(Counting syllables)

Shut your god damn mouth Orelse I'm gonna kick you Square inthe balls...

Cartman panics, realizing he still has a syllable to go.

CARTMANAss... hole - AWE..DAMMIT!!

EXT. NEWSROOM - DAY

Establishing.

INT. NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY

Vangelder is still strapped to the medical bed and babblingincoherently.

The Nurse gives him a shot to sedate him just as Mr. Mackeywalks in.

MR. MACKEYHow is he doing, Nurse?

NURSEHe's stable. But I still can't get anyinformation out of him. I'm going tosedate him now.

VANGELDERNO! No DRUGS!

MR. MACKEYDrugs are good, mkay?

VANGELDERDon't... Don't let them... go...planetarium...

NURSEOh, why, Vangelder?

VANGELDERThe machine. The machine is AGH!!

Vangelder collapses again to the table.

MR. MACKEYThe machine is agh?

(To the nurse)Uh, that's probably bad.

NURSEHe's been talking about 'the machine' forhours. That and Daisy Fuentes.

VANGELDERWHY?! WHY AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?!WHY?!?!

MR. MACKEYUh, there's only one way to get any senseout of him... We're gonna have to try amind meld. Mkay?

NURSEA what?

MR. MACKEY

Well it's an ancient technique handed downfrom school counselor to school counselor.I don't like to use it, but it may be ouronly hope.

NURSEWell, what will you need?

MR. MACKEYJust time to prepare, Nurse... Just time..Mkay?


Establishing.


The kids and Mr. Garrison are all standing at the entrance tothe planetarium.

DOCTOR ADAMSWell, children I'm so glad you came backto learn more.

MR. GARRISONThey just begged to come back, I couldn'tget them to shut up about it.

DOCTOR ADAMSWell, I'm sure we're gonna have amarvelous time won't we, children?

KIDS(In unison, trancelike)

Yes.

Just then the two hippies from before walk up. They are wearingplanetarium uniforms, apparently they too now work there.

HIPPIEThis way please...

HIPPIE 2Enjoy your visit...

Kyle and Stan look at each other.


The kids are all watching the stars again, with open mouths.

DOCTOR ADAMSBillions of stars in billions of galaxiesmake up our universe. Here you seePolaris, the dog star...

Mr. Garrison walks by Doctor Adams.

MR. GARRISON(Whispering)

I'm just going to step outside and go weewee.

DOCTOR ADAMSCertainly, Mr. Garrison.

Garrison walks away. Doctor Adams watches him go. As soon asthe door shuts, Doctor Adams turns the big dial and starts thestars spinning fast again.

Immediately, all the kids go into trances.

DOCTOR ADAMSYou love the planetarium! To be withoutthe planetarium causes you horrible pain.All you want to do is help the planetariumthrive. To not do so makes your stomachache with needle like stabs -

Garrison walks back in.

DOCTOR ADAMS(cont'd)

And right over here we see theconstellation Orion. Orion's belt is madeup of three stars, one of which isactually a double star system.

Doctor Adams and Garrison smile at each other. Garrison sitsdown.

Stan looks at Kyle.

STANDude, what just happened?

KYLEWhat'dya mean?

STANCome on, we gotta get outta here beforesomething bad happens!

The boys dash off.

EXT. WAITING ROOM - CASTING OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. WAITING ROOM - CASTING OFFICE - DAY

Cartman is sitting in a waiting room with his mother. Fourother kids with their mothers are waiting too.

CARTMAN'S MOTHERDon't pick your nose, hon.

CARTMANI wasn't picking it! I had an itch forcrying out loud!!

CARTMAN'S MOTHERDon't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.

CARTMANI don't know, there's a lot ofcompetition here...

Cartman looks over and sees a cute little poor girl, likeCosette in Les Miserables.

LITTLE GIRLDo you think I might win, mommy?

HER MOTHERI hope so, honey, I hope so. Then perhapswe can eat for a little while...

Cartman looks sad. Is he actually feeling bad for the littlegirl? He looks around, and then looks out then window.

CARTMANHEY LOOK! THEY'RE GIVING AWAY BREADOUTSIDE!!!

The little girl and her mother pop up out of their chairs.

LITTLE GIRLDid you hear that, mommy?

HER MOTHERCome on, perhaps we can get some food inour stomachs!

The girl and her mother dash out the door. Cartman gets up,walks over and locks the door behind them.

CARTMANPsyche!

Cartman goes back to his seat and smiles.


Establishing.

INT. OUTSIDE THE PLANETARIUM - DAY

All the kids, moaning and holding their heads wonder out of theplanetarium doors.

Stan and Kyle are waiting outside.

MR. GARRISONWhat the hell are you boys doing? Youwere supposed to be in there.

STANMr. Garrison, we think that planetariumguy is-

KYLESHH!

The planetarium guy steps out.

DOCTOR ADAMSGoodbye, children. Thanks for coming!

CLYDEI WANNA GO AGAIN!! I WANNA GO AGAIN!!!

MR. GARRISONOh for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went!

DOCTOR ADAMSWell, Clyde if you like the plane-arium somuch, perhaps you'd like to do somevolunteer work here.

CLYDEYES! YES! PLEASE!!

Then all the kids start piping in.

KIDS(AD LIBBING)

Me too! And me! Etc.

DOCTOR ADAMSMr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISONWell, I guess I could give them extracredit for it...

DOCTOR ADAMSExcellent. Why don't we step over here andI'll show ALL you children how tovolunteer.

The kids all CHEER! and head off. Stan grabs Kyle and Kennybefore they too can follow.

STANDude. This isn't right.

KYLEWhat?

STANWe're kids, dude, we don't volunteer foranything.

KYLEOh yeah.

STANCome on, we gotta see what's going on inthere!

Stan, Kyle and Kenny turn around and walk back into theplanetarium.


The boys wonder over to Doctor Adam's control panel.

KYLEHere's the control panel that operates allthe stars.

STANKenny, you go out there, and tell us whatyou see.

Kenny takes a seat somewhere in the middle and looks up.

STANHe hits this switch...

The lights go down and the stars come up.

KENNYMph rmph rm.

KYLEYou see? Nothing dude. Just a bunch ofstars.

STANYeah, I guess so...

Stan reaches over and turns the large dial. Slowly the starsstart to move.

KENNY(Sitting up)

Mph rm?

KYLEWhat does that do?

STAN

I don't know.

Stan turns the dial more. The stars spin faster and Kenny'seyes get bigger.

KYLEKenny! What's it doing?!

Kenny doesn't respond, he's too busy freaking out.

STANThis says 'Maximum'.

Stan floors the dial. The stars and a great humming increasesto insane levels.

Kenny shakes and quivers.

Finally, Kenny's head explodes.

STANOh my God! We've killed Kenny!

KYLEWe're bastards!

Stan shuts the dial off, and the boys run out to Kenny'sheadless, glorified body.

STANDude! I TOLD you something was up withthis place!!

KYLEWe've gotta go tell somebody, QUICK!!

EXT. CASTING OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CASTING OFFICE - DAY

A little boy from the waiting room stands in front of a row ofJUDGES, all sitting at a table, just finishing his song.

LITTLE BOY(Singing & clapping)

G.O, G.O and BINGO was his name-o. Was afarmer had a dog and BINGO was his name-o(clap clap clap clap) O, (clap clap clapclap) O, (clap clap clap clap) O andBINGO was his name-o. Was a farmer had adog and BINGO was his name-o. (clap,clap) ING, (clap, clap) ING and BINGO washis name - Oooo.

The song ends and the little boy bows. The judges clap softly.

JUDGEThank you, uh... PETER... We will let youknow very soon.

Peter smiles and walks out of the room with his mother.

JUDGE(Calling out)

Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.

Cartman walks in with his mother.

CARTMAN'S MOTHERHello, everybody!

(To Cartman)Now just do it like we rehearsed, hon.

CARTMANI know, I know!

Cartman's mother sits down and presses play on her ghettoblaster.

Cartman clears his throat and holds his hands behind his back,ready to sing.

Suddenly, Cartman starts singing-

CARTMAN(Singing loud)

She works hard for the money!So hard for it honey!She works hard for the money so you'dbetter treat her right!

Now Cartman rips off his coat, revealing a glittering, Vegasstyle top underneath. Cartman dances and shakes as hecontinues.

The judges are petrified.

CARTMANShe works hard for the money!So hard for the money! Sheworks hard for the money so you bettertreat her right!!

Ms. Cartman claps happily to the beat with a big smile.

As Cartman continues his song, he does a stupid back stepdance.

Finally, the song ends. And the judges sit there speechless.There is an uncomfortable silence. Then...

JUDGE

Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was...Insane.

CARTMANThank you.

JUDGEWe'll let you know.

Cartman's mother gets up and takes Cartman by the hand.

CARTMAN'S MOTHERThank you!

They walk out as Eric wipes his nose.

CARTMAN'S MOTHERDon't pick your nose, hon.

CARTMANI'M NOT PICKING IT, MA!!! GOD DAMMIT IHAVE AN ITCH!!!

They leave, closing the door behind them.

As soon as the door shuts all the judges deflate themselveswith huge sighs.

JUDGEJesus, where do we find these people?

EXT. NURSES OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. NURSE'S OFFICE

Mr. Mackey has his hands on Vangelder's head. He moves themaround to try and get the best vibe.

MR. MACKEYOur minds are one... Mmkay. Our thoughtsare one... Mmkay...

NURSEThis is the strangest thing I've everseen.

MR. MACKEYPlease, nurse, for a woman with a deadfetus on her head you're not being veryopen-minded.

(To Vangelder)Open your mind to your counselor... Openyour mind...

Suddenly, Vangelder takes a heavy breath.

VANGELDER(Calmly)

Doctor Adams...

MR. MACKEYYesss...

NURSEHe owns the planetarium, what about him?

VANGELDER & MACKEYHe uses the machine. The star machine. Heuses it... to erase minds...

NURSEBut why?

VANGELDER & MACKEYPlanetarium... about to go out ofbusiness... Adams had to create slaves tosurvive...

NURSEMy God this is amazing!

MR. MACKEYPlease, nurse, you're throwing off mychi, mkay?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT III

EXT. CASTING OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CASTING OFFICE - DAY

The judges are all sitting at their table.

JUDGEWell, we certainly want to congratulateall our finalists.Only one of our finalists can win thegrand prize, and unfortunately, thatfinalist is Eric Cartman.

Eric and his mother cheer.

CARTMANHooray! I'm the BEST!!!

JUDGEYou were actually our last choice, butthe other children have unexpectedly

taken jobs as volunteers at theplanetarium.

JUDGE 2That's odd.

CARTMANSweet!

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

Our typical reporter sits behind his desk.

NARRATORIt appears that more and more South Parkresidents are discovering the wonder andjoy of the planetarium. Here with aspecial report, is a 34 year old Asianman who looks strikingly similar toRicardo Montleban.


A reporter that looks strikingly similar to Colonel Sandersstands in front of the planetarium holding a mic.

REPORTERThanks Tom. Yes indeed the planetariumhas become very popular as word spreadsthat it really isn't as lame and stupidas once suspected. I'm here with theplanetarium operator Dr. Adams.

DOCTOR ADAMSThank you. I'd like to open an invitationto all South Park residents to come see aspecial FREE show this evening. Iguarantee it will change the way youthink about the plane-arium.

The reporter looks at Doctor Adams oddly.

REPORTERSo bring the whole family to theplaneTarium for a night of excitement andwonder...

EXT. POLICE OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. POLICE OFFICE - DAY

Stan and Kyle are standing at Barbrady's desk.

STANAnd we turned the dial, and Kenny went

into a kind of hypnosis.

OFFICER BARBRADYThat's a pretty far fetched story, boys.

KYLEBut it's true, dude!

OFFICER BARBRADYAre you boys sure you're not just makingthis all up?

The boys think.

STANYeah, pretty sure.

OFFICER BARBRADYWell just as soon as I handle all theother crime in South Park, I'm gonna gowith you to the planetarium so that I canPROVE that nothing's wrong!

STANWhat other crime in South Park?

OFFICER BARBRADYOh yeah, let's go.

INT. T.V. SET - DAY

A crew is set up to do the Cheesy Poof commercial.

DIRECTOROkay, let's shoot the commercial. Whereis our Cheesy Poof talent?

CARTMANI'm over here!

Cut to Cartman. He's wearing a big, yellow Cheesy Poofcostume.

CARTMAN'S MOTHEROh you look great, hon! Mommy's fatlittle piggy!

CARTMANAY!

Cartman is lead to a false set in front of the camera crew.

CARTMANLet's hurry! This costume is hot!

DIRECTOROkay roll camera, and ACTION!

CARTMANI love Cheesy-

CARTMAN'S MOTHEROh wait! Wait!

Cartman's mother comes running in with a tissue.

CARTMAN'S MOTHERYou've got a little eye booger, hon.

CARTMANOh mom, for Pete's sake!

CARTMAN'S MOTHERGot it!

She dashes off.

DIRECTORAnd ACTION!

CARTMANI love Cheesy-

DIRECTORHold it, CUT! Could we get some morelight on that backdrop?

LIGHTING GUYSure thing.

CARTMANOh man, come on!

LIGHTING GUYGot it.

DIRECTOROkay, here we go and....ACTION!

CARTMANI love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy-

DIRECTORCUT!

CARTMANWHAT?!

DIRECTORI'm not liking the shoes can we changethe shoes?

CARTMANOh GOD DAMMIT!!


Doctor Adams opens the door to find Officer Barbrady and theboys.

DOCTOR ADAMSOh, hello Officer of the law.

OFFICER BARBRADYHello, Mr. Planetarium operator.

DOCTOR ADAMSWhat brings you out here?

OFFICER BARBRADYWell, these boys seem to think you'resome kind of sick weirdo that's got amaster plan to screw with the minds ofeveryone in town.

Barbrady laughs.

DOCTOR ADAMSOh really?

The boys look scared.

OFFICER BARBRADYYeah, I just thought I'd come show themaround so they'd know there's nothing tobe scared of.

DOCTOR ADAMSActually, this is a pretty inopportunetime...

OFFICER BARBRADYOh, okay, I'll be quick then.

DOCTOR ADAMS(Giving in)

Of course, Officer, come on in...

Adams again scowls at the boys, the boys hide behind Barbradyas he walks inside.


Inside, we immediately see that tons of children, all wearinglittle planetarium suits, are working and standing aroundwith blank expressions.

CHEF(Blankly)

Hello, children.

STANOh no! They got Chef too.

CHEFWelcome to the planetarium.

OFFICER BARBRADYWell, it's nice to see you finally got areal job, Chef.

CHEFI love my work.

OFFICER BARBRADYI know what you mean. I've always lovedthe planetarium, too.

DOCTOR ADAMSWould you like to see the stars, Officer?

Stan and Kyle panic.

STAN AND KYLENo!

OFFICER BARBRADYThat would be super-duper.

KYLEDon't do it, officer Barbrady!!

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Establishing.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman is sitting on the couch, talking on the telephone.

GRANDMAHello?

CARTMANHi, grandma, it's me Eric.

GRANDMAOh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missedyou.

CARTMANI just wanted to remind you that I'mgoing to be on television tonight so besure to watch.

GRANDMAOh I will Eric, you know I remember whenI was a little girl and I had my first

talent show audition for-

CARTMANOkay, bye.

Cartman hangs up the phone. He then picks it up and startsdialing another number.

MESSAGEHello, the Marshes aren't in. Pleaseleave a message.

CARTMANStan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sureto watch.

He hangs up and dials another number.

MESSAGEHello you've reached the Broflovski.Please leave a message.

CARTMANWhere the hell is everybody? I'm gonna beon T.V. tonight!! YOU GUYS BETTER NOTMISS IT!!!

INT. MAIN ROOM - PLANETARIUM - DAY

Officer Barbrady is watching the stars go in circles.

DOCTOR ADAMSAnd this is the constellation calledCassiopeia.

OFFICER BARBRADYOoh, neat-o.

Adams cranks the dial on the machine.

DOCTOR ADAMSAnd now, officer, from this moment on,you will think that you are ElvisPresley.

Barbrady's eyes go blank.

OFFICER BARBRADYOo?

DOCTOR ADAMSTo not be Elvis will cause you greatpain.

(To Stan and Kyle)You see, children? There is no stoppingme.

Stan and Kyle are horrified.

DOCTOR ADAMS (cont'd)Even your highly intelligent policemanare no match for me.

KYLEHe's not highly intelligent.

STANWhy are you doing this, dude?

DOCTOR ADAMSWhy?! Because nowadays kids havecomputers and surround sound televisions- they've forgotten all about planeariums. But I'll make themremember...Starting with the two of you.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Establishing.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman is on his couch watching television.

NARRATORTerrance and Phillip will be right backafter these announcements!!

CARTMANOh dude, here it comes!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

A fast paced Cheesy Poof commercial starts.

NARRATORPacked full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofscan really give you that quick pick meup!!

Images of kids playing in a three foot deep pool of CheesyPoofs.

NARRATORSo remember!

A good singer starts the song over images of the Cheesy Poofsbox.

SINGERI love Cheesy Poofs! you love CheesyPoofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs we'dbe--

Now, a two second long shot of Cartman dressed as a CheesyPoof.

CARTMANLame!!

Commercial ends

NARRATORAnd now back to Terrance and Phillip!

ANGLE - Cartman

He is all smiles.

CARTMANYES! YES! THAT WAS ME!! I WAS ONTELEVISION!!


Suddenly, Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollem bust in the front door.

MR. MACKEYAh HA! Caught you red handed, mkay?

STANMr. Mackey!

MR. MACKEYOfficer Barbrady, this man is using somekind of mind control

OFFICER BARBRADY(As Elvis)

NURSEWhat's wrong with him?

OFFICER BARBRADYYeah baby, yeah baby ...

MR. MACKEYOh no, apparently he thinks he's CharltonHeston.

DOCTOR ADAMSNo, you idiot, he thinks he's Elvis.

(To Barbrady)Elvis, escort our guests to the planearium!!

Barbrady pulls out his gun.


Folks, if you wouldn't mind, could you

please follow me.

MR. MACKEYOh, oh...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

EXT. PLANETARIUM - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. PLANETARIUM - NIGHT

Mr. Mackey, The Nurse, Stan and Kyle are all tied up to seatsin the planetarium.

DOCTOR ADAMSWell, let's begin, shall we?

Doctor slowly turns the dial up.

DOCTOR ADAMSAnd now, you will remember nothing,except that the plane-arium is the bestthing you've ever known...

Just then, Cartman walks into the main room.

CARTMANWELL, WELL, WELL!! You guys can all kissmy ass, because I was on television!!

But nobody responds, they are all having their minds suckeddry.

CARTMANHEY!! DIDN'T YOU GUYS SEE IT?! I WAS ONTELEVISION!!

Again, no response. Cartman gets furious

CARTMANYOU MISSED IT!! YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE OFTHIS STUPID PLANETARIUM!!

Suddenly Cartman realizes.

Cartman walks over and kicks the machine.

With a huge, metallic SCREEEEECH the machine falls over.

CARTMANPLANETARIUMS SUCK ASS!!!

Fallen over, the machine projects the stars not on theceiling, but back into the control booth, where Doctor Adam'sexpression suddenly goes blank.

Everyone in the main room starts to come around.

KYLECartman! You saved us!!!

CARTMANWhat the hell are you talking about.

STANGet over here and untie us!!

Cartman walks over to the counselor and starts to untie him.

MR. MACKEYEric, you've really saved the day, mmkay?

Just then, Barbrady appears behind Cartman holding a gun.


Not so fast there, tubby.

Everyone gasps.

OFFICER BARBRADY (cont'd)I'm just takin' care of business.

MR. MACKEYThink hard, Elvis. You're not really theking of rock and roll. You're a fat,stupid worthless policeman in a smalltown. Mkay?

Barbrady's expression returns. A bell rings.

OFFICER BARBRADY(As himself)

Oh thank you from a fate worse thandeath, counselor!

Barbrady and Cartman proceed to untie everyone.

STANOh my God... Doctor Adams!!

INT. CONTROL BOOTH

Everyone walks in. Stan runs over and shuts off the machine.

Doctor Adams is sitting on the floor, drooling with a blankexpression.

KYLEHe got a full dose of the stars.

STAN

Yeah, with nobody around to sayanything...

KYLECan you imagine it, Stan? A mind...emptied by that thing...

CARTMANWow, what a day this has been. I was onTV and I'm a hero.

Just then Cartman's mom comes into the control booth.

CARTMAN'S MOMDon't pick your nose hon.

CARTMANGodamnit mom, I wasn't picking my nose!!Son of a bitch!!!!!!

angle tv the end of a barnaby jones episode is playing. · the end of a "barnaby jones"...

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