Animal Boat

Characters

SCHABATO

Setting

A room suitable for a press conference.

Animal BoatCopyright © 2004 by William Donnelly

wdonnelly@townisp.com

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SCHABATOGood morning everyone. I appreciate you making the short . . . what we were told wasgoing to be a very short . . . block-and-a-half from the hotel. I apologize for the suddenchange of venue.

If I may, I’d like to begin with a prepared statement and then, as time permits, fieldwhatever questions you may have.

Ah-hem.

As you know, some eighteen months ago, our petroleum division acquired one of ourcompetitor’s chemical divisions, and, in that time, the newly formed organization hasmore than met the expectations of our investors as well as Wall Street analysts . . . despitepersistent rumors of inappropriate accounting practices, alleged executive impropriety,and various other . . . niggling matters.

Last night, shortly after word broke that our now former CFO made certain questionablecomments to a well-known television journalist concerning the . . . creativeadministration of employee pensions . . .

I’ve lost my place.

Here we are.

. . . one of our tankers—truly, a darling of the oil containment and conveyanceindustry—uh . . . not to mince words . . . crashed . . . into . . . one of our recently acquired. . . chemical plants.

Now . . .

. . . it’s a tad early for finger pointing . . . and while many . . . hyperbolic, unconfirmedreports have been circulated in various newspapers and left-leaning web-outlets, I’d likeus, here, you and I, this morning . . . to focus more on what we do know.

Fine.

There is no concrete scientific evidence at this juncture supporting the opinion that an oiltanker crashing into a chemical plant is, as the New York Times has called it, “The WorstThing Ever.” This statement strikes both my colleagues and myself as premature andmore than a little alarmist.

And as a side note, let me just say as a close observer of journalism, the phrase “TheWorst Thing Ever” isn’t even a particularly good headline.

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If I may now speak to the concerns of our valued stockholders:

[Could I get some water?]

True, the CFO has been terminated and an SEC investigation is quite likely imminent.

True, on the assets front, we appear to be down one tanker as well as a fairly priceychemical plant.

And, true, it is entirely possible that certain environmental and humanistic concerns willstem from this . . . less-than-ideal turn of events . . .

However . . .

. . . the executive team wishes to assure you . . .

. . . that is to say . . . they wish to . . .wistfully wish you well . . . as wistful wisherswish . . .

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.

Seriously, where did my life—Did I fuck the devil?You have to understand . . .I’m a songwriter.

All I ever wanted to do is write children’s songs.Ever.Is that queer?Well, pat my ass and call me queer ‘cause that was it for me.

Blink my eyes I’m back in my dorm room . . .Beat-up Gibson knock-off in my hands, six or seven bong hits . . .I could play all night.And I did.All my songs:

“Artie The Garbageman”“All Out Barnyard Jamboree”“Giggle Gaggle Geese”

My roommates loved those songs.Least they said they did.Whatever . . . we were pretty stoned.

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But I did take a run at it.Open mic nights, schools, day care centers.I’d play Porter Square every once in a while, but, really, it’s only the rare commuterwho’s receptive to “Giggle Gaggle Geese” at seven thirty in the morning.

Some of it was real fun, but it didn’t exactly keep the organic nine-grain on the table.Contrary to how it may appear on the surface—what with the media crammed withimages of children’s songwriters cruising around in limos, drinking Cristal, sporting thebling—writing songs for kids is not the most lucrative career path to be found on thisangry little planet.

All I know is that I hit that point and I was like:“You know what?You’re over thirty.You pay your rent with cash from a hat.You have roommates you can’t stand.”. . . not that I don’t like hemp jewelry and street magic, but . . .Fucken-a . . . morning, noon, and night . . . put the cards the away.

You just reach a point.You look around.You take stock.

How was I to know?

I’m sorry.This is thoroughly inappropriate.This isn’t supposed to be about me.This is supposed to be about a faceless corporation not quite apologizing for killing fishand poor people.

That’s not on my card.That is not on my card, and I should not have said it.

[Is that water coming, does anyone know?]

(He flips through his cards then puts them aside.)

I saw it as temp work.

Take the office job, answer some phones, have some health insurance for the first timesince college, work on my music at night.

It’s not a dream deferred—it’s a dream coexisting with reality.Provisional arrangement.

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Until the promotions come.

“Hey, you’re a sharp kid . . . you shouldn’t be answering phones . . . how bout we moveyou over to internal publications?” Sure. “Hey, you really know your way around asentence . . . you interested in doing a little writing for us?” Sounds good. “Wow, you’repretty good in front of people . . . we oughta get you on the P.R. team.”

Before you know it:You’re embedded.You’re embroiled.You’re a suit.And the scariest part:You’re loving it.

Money in the bank.Frequent flier miles.Not really playing the old six string like you used to, but that’s okay—Just need to get through this month . . .Just need to get through this quarter . . .Just need to get through this year . . .

And, of course, I knew.I knew what the company was up to.But I don’t need to worry about it.It’s just my day gig.It’s not like I’m involved.

“Schabato, go out there and tell em we didn’t poison that water.”You got it.“Go out there and tell em those kids woulda got cancer anyway.”Yessir.

What am I gonna say?I got a mortgage now.I got car payments.I got a twenty-six hundred dollar Martin that I never get to play.

What happens?Can anybody tell me that?

Again . . .My apologies.Completely unprofessional.

If we can get back to the matter at hand.

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What I came here to say . . . on behalf of the corporation . . .

(Sings.)

CHICKEN IS SMALL

CHICKEN IS FUNNY

SOMETIMES A CHICKEN TURNS INTO A BUNNY

BUNNY RUNS FAST

BUNNY GETS LOOSE

SOMETIMES A BUNNY TURNS INTO A MOOSE

MOOSE LIKES FROSTING

MOOSE LIKES CAKE

SOMETIMES A MOOSE TURNS INTO A SNAKE

SNAKE’LL LICK A BOULDER

SNAKE’LL LICK A LOG

SOMETIMES A SNAKE TURNS INTO A DOG

DOG’S GOT A TAIL

DOG’S GOT A COAT

THAT’S HOW IT IS ON THE ANIMAL BOAT

SING IT TO A FERRET

SING IT TO A GOAT

THAT’S HOW IT IS ON THE ANIMAL BOAT

At this time I’d like to open it up to questions. Anyone?